Creeping Crawling (2012) - full transcript
An eccentric Entomologist tells three dark tales about the creeping crawling insects that burrowing through the walls of homes, eating through our intestines, and for some of us, driving us slowly insane.
>> AAH! AAH!
NO!
[ THUD ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ DOG BARKING ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
>> OH, IS THIS YOUR CAR?
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
>> OR WE CAN GO GET A BEER.
ALL RIGHT.
>> DOUG, DON'T YOU THINK IT
MIGHT BE TIME TO INVEST IN A
LAPTOP?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
IT WAS EITHER A LAPTOP OR THREE
KEGS.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
>> NO-BRAINER.
>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
>> NOW, DOUG, WHEN WE MEET
DR. TARKOVSKY, LET ME DO THE
TALKING.
>> BUT I GOT MY OWN LIST OF
QUESTIONS.
>> YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR CAVE
DRAWINGS, DOUG.
JUST TRY TO LOOK THOUGHTFUL AND
LET ME DO THE REST, OKAY,
FRATMEISTER?
>> FINE.
SEE? I'M GOOD FOR SOMETHING.
>> [ SCOFFS ] OKAY, FONZIE.
HELLO?
[ GASPS ]
>> DUDE!
>> WE'RE CLOSED.
>> WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH
DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> WHO?
>> DR. MICHKA TARKOVSKY, THE
ENTOMOLOGIST.
>> OH, YOU MEAN BUG BRAINS.
HERE. HOLD THAT.
[ FLASHLIGHT THUDDING ]
THIS WAY.
>> MAN, THE ECONOMY MUST BE BAD
IF THIS OLD-ASS DUDE CAN'T
RETIRE.
>> JESUS, DOUG.
PLEASE DON'T EMBARRASS ME IN
FRONT OF DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> WHAT?
>> LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK.
>> THANKS.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> EXCUSE ME.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> [ Croatian accent ] THIS
WOULD BE ME.
AND YOU WOULD BE?
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
>> ALISON BAXTER.
I MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO MEET
WITH YOU.
>> AND YOU?
>> DOUG.
>> WELL, COME IN AND HAVE A
SEAT.
I'M JUST FINISHING UP.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING
THE TIME TO MEET WITH US.
I KNOW IT WAS SPUR OF THE
MOMENT.
>> THIS PAPER YOU ARE WORKING
ON, UH, "COLONY COLLAPSE,
CLIMATE SHIFT, OR CELLPHONES"?
>> ACTUALLY, IT'S "CLIMATE
SHIFT, CELLPHONES, AND COLONY
COLLAPSE."
>> I LIKE MINE BETTER.
>> WE CAN CHANGE IT.
>> I ASSUME YOU HAVE BASED YOUR
HYPOTHESIS ON THE PAPER THAT
KOOK IN ENGLAND WROTE, ASSERTING
HONEYBEES ARE FRIGHTENED BY THE
CELLPHONE RADIATION.
>> UH, WELL, THAT IS ONE
REFERENCE WE WERE PLANNING ON
USING.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU DON'T AGREE?
>> MAYBE THE BEES JUST NO LIKE
US.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> ALL RELATIONSHIPS FADE
FOR THE TIME.
>> OH!
SO YOU MEAN THE BEES WANT TO
DIVORCE US.
>> YES, DOUG, IN A MANNER OF
SPEAKING.
WE ARE A ZARAZA, A CONTAGION.
MAN AND INSECT HAVE REACHED
A TIPPING POINT.
YOU!
YOU KNOW HOW MANY INSECT YOU
HAVE EATEN IN YOUR LIFE?
>> UH...NONE, I HOPE.
>> MILLIONS!
AND THEY DID YOU NO HARM.
THIS IS AN ILLUSORY PERVERSION.
HUMANS ARE USING BUGS AS A TOOL,
TORMENTING THEM BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY REPRESENT -- DEATH.
I HAVE THIS INTERN, TOP OF HER
CLASS, MY DEDICATED ASSISTANT
ONE DAY.
THE NEXT -- PUFF! -- SHE'S
ENTERING IN THE WORLD OF
HIGH-FASHION MODELING.
I TOLD HER, "BEAUTY'S SISTER
IS VANITY AND ITS DAUGHTER
LUST."
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> GIVE ME A COUPLE LIKE YOU'RE
POINTING AT THE LENS.
JUST GIVE ME YOUR -- YOUR --
JUST LIKE THAT.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THE
REST OF THE WEEK?
>> I GUESS I'LL GO THROUGH THE
PICTURES ONCE I GET THEM.
>> MM.
>> IF YOU COULD, UH, HURRY THE
FUCK UP IN THERE.
UH, YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY SHOOT
TODAY.
>> OKAY, WE'RE ALMOST DONE,
PETRO.
SORRY.
>> I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT,
AND I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT, SO
JUST ROLL WITH IT, OKAY?
>> WELL, I FEEL LIKE I DID THIS
POSE EARLIER.
>> AND IF DAWG COULD STAY OUT OF
THE BACK 'CAUSE IF I GET A GOOD
SHOT AND YOU'RE BACK THERE, IT'S
GONNA SUCK.
IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ON A FUCKING
ICE-SKATING RINK.
>> SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
MODELING FOR?
>> WELL, ABOUT LIKE 12 YEARS.
>> 12 YEARS? OH, MY GOSH.
SO YOU STARTED WHEN I WAS 8.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> DAWG, YOU'RE IN THE SHOT.
>> AM I GONNA GET FIRED?
>> FROM WHAT I SAW, YOUR PICS
LOOK REALLY AMAZING.
>> THANKS.
>> AND YOUR LEGS IN THAT ONE
DRESS LOOK CRAZY.
>> I HOPE I CAN USE THE SHOTS.
>> PETRO -- HE NEVER TAKES A BAD
SHOT.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> OH, WHAT -- WHAT WAS THAT?
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, OKAY?
>> HEY, UH, DO YOU THINK, WHEN
YOU GET THE PICS, THAT YOU CAN
E-MAIL ME SOME SO I COULD USE
THEM FOR MY PORTFOLIO?
>> SURE.
>> AWW, THANKS.
>> ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT I OWE
YOU.
THANKS FOR MAKING ME BEAUTIFUL.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
I DID MY THING, BUT REALLY HIS
AIRBRUSHING IS OFF THE CHARTS.
HE'S, UH, GREAT AT ELIMINATING
ALL THOSE IMPERFECTIONS.
BYE.
I HOPE TO WORK WITH YOU AGAIN.
>> OKAY, I BURNED A CD FOR YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY OF MY
SHIT ON YOUR SITE UNTIL I GO
THROUGH THEM.
>> I UNDERSTAND.
I'M SURPRISED, THOUGH.
THERE'S SOME, UH -- SOME GOOD
SHOTS HERE.
>> WELL, I GUESS I'M FULL OF
SURPRISES.
>> MAYBE I'LL BE PAYING YOU.
>> WHY NOT START TODAY?
>> MM, I DON'T THINK SO.
THANK YOU.
UH...YOU NEED TO TAN MORE.
>> THANKS FOR THE TIP.
>> AND MAYBE LOSE A FEW POUNDS.
>> RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW, I DO
APPRECIATE YOU DOING THE SHOOT.
I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM.
SO, I GUESS I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
THESE, COMPARE NOTES?
>> MM, NO.
>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANKS. BYE.
>> SEE YOU.
>> THE CUSTOMER YOU'RE TRYING TO
REACH IS NOT AVAILABLE.
>> FUCK!
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
THANKS FOR NOTHING!
RICK?
RICKY?
ALL RIGHT, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE,
DUDE.
[ Chuckling ] OH, MY GOD.
WHY DID HE EVEN MAKE ME DO THAT?
OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I
PAID $2,500 TO THIS FUCKING
ASSHOLE.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE YOUR
HANDS LOOK FAT?
MMM.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE
IS GARBAGE!
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ Voice breaking ] NO, THIS IS
NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.
NO, NO, NO!
[ GROANS ]
[ GAGGING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ SIGHS ] HEY.
>> HEY, SWEETIE.
>> OH, THANK YOU FOR MAKING
RESERVATIONS TONIGHT.
I COMPLETELY SPACED.
>> NO PROBLEM.
OH, WHAT'S THAT?
QUIFANGONDO, LUANDA, ANGOLA,
AFRICA?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> [ African accent ] WHO DO YOU
KNOW IN AFRICA?
>> IT'S MY, UH, SKIN CREAM.
>> [ Normal voice ] MM, THE
FAMOUS QUIFANGONDO SKIN CREAM.
>> YEAH.
MY, UH, MAKEUP ARTIST -- SHE GOT
ME INTO IT.
IT'S LIKE SPECIAL MINERALS OR
SOMETHING FROM THE SEASIDE
THERE.
>> HOW ABOUT WE BOOK SOME CHEAP
FLIGHTS, GO OVER, AND YOU CAN
BURY YOURSELF IN THE MUD?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> WHAT?
AH.
>> SO, WHAT LOOKS GOOD?
>> THE TANDOORI.
>> AS USUAL.
>> YEAH.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> HOW ARE YOU TWO TONIGHT?
>> WE'RE CELEBRATING DENVER'S
PHOTO SHOOT.
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
>> I WILL HAVE THE TANDOORI
PLATTER WITH A SIDE OF MIXED
PICKLE, AND COULD YOU PLEASE
BRING THE, UH --
>> SOME MINT CHUTNEY FOR YOUR
NAAN?
YES, MA'AM.
>> I'LL HAVE THE LAMB AND
SPINACH SAAG PANEER.
>> NO.
>> YEAH, I'M TRYING SOMETHING
NEW.
>> ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
REGRET IT.
>> IT'S VERY GOOD, SIR.
>> THANK YOU.
>> [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.
WELL, DO NOT EAT THAT MINT
CHUTNEY BEFORE I GET BACK.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ LOCK ENGAGES ]
>> "GENETICALLY MODIFIED AND
STERILIZED TAPEWORMS FOUND IN
FISH.
YOU INGEST THEM OFTEN FROM
SUSHI, AND YOUR BODY CAN EASILY
DISPOSE OF THEM.
YOU WILL NOT FEEL THEM.
YOU WILL KNOW THE WORM IS ALIVE
AND EFFECTIVE WHEN YOU BEGIN TO
LOSE ONE OR MORE POUNDS PER
DAY."
YEAH, I BETTER.
"TAKE YOUR SECOND PILL SEVEN
DAYS AFTER BEGINNING WEIGHT LOSS
AND AFTER YOU PASS A DEAD WORM."
OKAY.
[ SIGHS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING ]
AH, THIS LOOKS AMAZING.
>> NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
>> I TOLD YOU.
THANKS.
>> SHARE?
>> MNH-MNH.
I WILL HURT YOU.
YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE
BUTTERED CHICKEN.
>> AND YOU'RE NOT HAVING
DESSERT.
>> MOM!
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT
WANTING DESSERT WHEN YOU ORDERED
THAT SODA INSTEAD OF WATER.
>> COME ON.
>> NO DOUBLE SUGARS.
IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT.
>> DENVER, GET IN HERE.
>> YEAH, DAD?
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD TWO SLICES
OF HAM ON YOUR SANDWICH TODAY.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
ONE IS PLENTY.
>> I HAD MUSTARD INSTEAD OF MAYO
SO I COULD SAVE THE CALORIES AND
HAVE AN EXTRA SLICE OF SANDWICH
MEAT.
>> WELL, YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IF
THAT WAS A SMART TRADE-OUT WHEN
YOU RUN AN EXTRA TWO MILES TO
BURN THOSE CALORIES OFF.
>> I ALREADY RAN FIVE MILES, AND
I HAVE TO FINISH MY HOMEWORK FOR
SCIENCE CLASS.
>> DENVER...
WHO CARES IF A GIRL IS SMART?
NO ONE WANTS TO MARRY A FAT
SLOB.
THIS IS YOUR OWN FAULT, DENVER.
THIS IS YOUR OWN FAULT, DENVER.
>> YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
[ SIGHS ] I CAN'T EAT THIS.
HERE.
>> THANK GOD.
THIS IS NOT LAMB.
IT'S WEIRD, SPONGY CHEESE BALLS.
IT TASTES LIKE IT'S ALREADY BEEN
EATEN.
HMM.
MMM. [ CHUCKLES ]
>> AHH, THESE WOULD LOOK GREAT
WITH THIS, HMM?
>> YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE 2s.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> SIZE 2.
UH...MY LITTLE GUY IS DOING JUST
GREAT.
5 POUNDS THIS WEEK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> MUST BE NICE.
LOOKS LIKE MY BAD LUCK EXTENDS
TO AFRICA.
>> WAIT. YOU GOT YOURS?
[ LAUGHS ]
>> YEAH, LAST WEEK, AND
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
UGH.
I THINK MY TAPEWORMS MIGHT BE
LAZY.
>> DID YOU READ THE DIRECTIONS?
>> YES, AND EVERY SINGLE
MORNING, I'M EXACTLY THE SAME
WEIGHT.
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
>> DID YOU FAST?
>> WHAT?
>> SIX HOURS, NO FOOD, NO WATER.
>> WAIT. FASTING?
[ SIGHS ]
UGH.
THANK YOU.
>> NO PROBLEM, BABE.
[ UNZIPPING ]
SO, DID YOU GET THE ONES FROM,
UH, QUIFANGONDO, THE ONE WITH
THE BLUE WEBSITE?
>> YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T SEE THE
PART ABOUT FASTING.
>> NO WONDER.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LET THE
CAPSULE HAVE TIME TO DISSOLVE SO
THE LITTLE GUY CAN GET SITUATED.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TRY IT AGAIN AND HOPE THAT IT
WORKS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OH, GOD.
OUR MOMS WERE SUCH COWS.
[ SCOFFS ]
MY MOM USED TO BRAG THAT SHE WAS
BUILT LIKE A BRICK SHITHOUSE.
SHE WAS A SIZE 6.
I'D DIE.
>> WOW, YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH.
>> MM. BUT YOU LOVE ME.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
SIX HOURS.
>> SIX HOURS, YOUNG LADY.
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
>> EITHER YOU DRINK THIS, OR YOU
RIDE YOUR BIKE SIX HOURS --
OR 30 MILES.
>> YOU WANT ME TO END UP IN
VERMONT?!
SOMETIMES IN LIFE, YOU GOT TO DO
THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO BITE
THE HEAD OFF THE CHICKEN AND
DRINK HIS BLOOD.
>> WHAT?
>> THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ALL
HYGIENIC.
EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD IS DOING
IT.
>> I'M NOT DRINKING BLOOD OR
PISS!
>> NOW, DENVER, IT'S MEDICINE.
THE STUFF IN PREGNANT LADIES'
PEE-PEE HAS ALL KINDS OF THINGS
IN IT THAT HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
>> YEAH, IT'LL HELP.
I'LL JUST THROW UP.
>> THIS IS SO YOU CAN GROW UP
AND SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU AND
MARRY YOU, SO YOU CAN BE POPULAR
AT SCHOOL.
DON'T YOU WANT THAT?
>> FINE.
>> SOMETIMES IN LIFE, YOU GOT TO
DO THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO BITE
THE HEAD OFF THE CHICKEN AND
DRINK ITS BLOOD.
>> BEST 25-CENT WINGS EVER.
>> WHICH ONE WAS YOUR FAVE?
>> SICHUAN GARLIC.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ GROANS ]
>> IS YOUR LITTLE GUY OKAY?
>> UGH.
MAN, I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING,
LIKE, WICKED BOUTS OF NAUSEA.
HAVE YOU?
>> NAH, MY LITTLE MONEY-MAKER IS
FEELING JUST FINE.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> EW.
YOU ARE CREEPING ME OUT, THE WAY
YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR TAPEWORMS.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> UGH.
>> OH, LOOK, LOOK!
PSYCHIC, PSYCHIC, PSYCHIC.
CAN WE GO, PLEASE?
PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?
>> NO, I AM NOT SPENDING MY
MONEY ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> PLEASE?
I'LL COVER IT. I PROMISE.
PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?
>> OKAY, CRAZY GIRL, YOU'RE ON.
>> WHOO! LET'S GO!
>> AS LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> [ SQUEALS ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
>> [ GIGGLES ]
>> GOOD EVENING, LADIES.
YOU'RE HERE FOR A READING?
>> WOW, HE'S GOOD.
>> YEAH. YOU GO FIRST, GINGER.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> NO, NO, NO, NO
IT'S ALL YOU, BABE.
>> RIGHT THIS WAY.
>> OKAY.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> MY NAME IS GEORGE.
>> I'M DENVER.
>> I SEE AURAS.
>> OKAY.
>> I CAN COMMUNICATE WITH THOSE
THAT HAVE PASSED ON AND STILL
SURROUND YOU.
AND I READ PALMS.
A FULL READING IS $50.
>> MAYBE WE'LL JUST DO THE PALM
READING?
>> GIVE HER THE WORKS, GEORGE!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> THANKS.
>> [ EXHALES HEAVILY ]
THIS IS TROUBLING.
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT A VERY GOOD
START.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES
FROM YOUR PAST.
>> YEAH.
[ Chuckling ] EVERYBODY DOES.
>> LOOK, I KNOW YOU THOUGHT THIS
WOULD BE AN AMUSING, TO HAVE
YOUR FORTUNE TOLD AFTER WHAT
SMELLS LIKE A FEW DRINKS.
BUT I THINK WE BOTH KNOW YOU
HAVE BLOCKAGES, ISSUES THAT
FOLLOW YOU FROM YOUR PAST.
>> OKAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT
HOLDS ON TO THESE FEELINGS.
YOUR FATHER IS RINSED OF ALL
EARTHLY CONCERNS.
HE'S AT PLAY IN THE GARDEN WITH
THE OTHER LOVED ONES.
AND ALL THAT REMAINS IS HIS LOVE
FOR YOU.
>> LOVE FOR ME?
NO, HE NEVER -- HE NEVER LOVED
ME.
AFTER ALL, I --
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU CRYING?
>> WHEN REALIZATION STRIKES THE
HEART, TEARS ARE THE SOUL'S
RELEASE.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY, WELL, UM,
LET'S HURRY THIS UP BECAUSE I'M
PRETTY SURE I'VE GOT SOME HARD,
HOT DICK IN MY FUTURE, AND I'M
NOT READY TO WAIT, SO...
SEE YOU LATER.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
>> YES.
>> YOU SHOULD SHARE THESE THINGS
WITH HIM.
IT WILL HELP YOU HEAL.
>> NO.
I CAN'T. [ SCOFFS ]
>> YOU HAVE A VISITOR GROWING
INSIDE YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW THE
GENDER?
>> WAIT. WHAT?
IT'S A TAPEWORM.
>> IT'S A BABY.
>> NO, IT'S A TAPEWORM.
I EAT THEM TO STAY THIN.
>> YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
>> NO. FUCK, NO.
NO WAY.
THERE IS NO WAY I'M PREGNANT.
IT'S A TAPEWORM.
I CANNOT EVEN DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
GINGER, I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT
NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE GOOD.
BUT THAT IS NOT FUCKING
POSSIBLE.
I HAVE TO GO.
...THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
THESE ISSUES, UNRESOLVED,
CAN GROW INTO A MONSTER.
>> HI, BABY.
>> HEY.
>> GET MY VITAMINS?
>> WAIT.
>> I-I-I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T
GET PREGNANT.
THIS IS AMAZING.
BABY, GO, GO. GET TO IT!
UH, NO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
[ CHAIR THUDS ]
WELL? WELL? COME ON!
MAKE SURE YOU PEE ALL OVER IT.
GET A LOT OF PEE ON THERE.
[ URINATING ]
WELL?
>> SO, WHAT IF I REALLY WAS
PREGNANT?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GONNA PLAY GAMES?
COME ON.
>> YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE THE
MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
BABY?
I LOVE YOU.
YOU'LL LOOSE THE BABY FAT FAST.
>> FUCK YOU.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, BABY, I-I-I
DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING...
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
WHETHER YOU'RE PREGNANT OR NOT,
WE'LL DEAL WITH IT BABY.
WE'LL DEAL.
>> REALLY?
>> YES.
COME ON.
>> POSITIVE?
>> OH...I LOVE YOU.
OH! I'M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU. [ SMOOCHES ]
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT BABY
MAMA -- UH, AND WIFE.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> DO YOU THINK I'LL BE A GOOD
MOMMY, MR. FLUFFYKINS?
[ Deep voice ] YES, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD GIRL.
[ Normal voice ] WHY THANK YOU,
MR. FLUFFYKINS.
[ SMOOCHES ]
HAVE SOME TEA.
AND ALL OF YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY
COOKIES AS YOU WANT.
[ RUMBLING ]
>> DENVER!
>> DADDY! DADDY!
>> DENVER, HONEY...
[GASPS] YOU HAVE TO RUN.
>> I CAN'T. IT'S TOO FAR.
>> DADDY NEEDS HELP, BABY.
ALL THOSE MILES ON THE TREADMILL
AND THE BIKE -- THEY'RE ALL
GONNA PAY OFF NOW.
YOU'RE GONNA SAVE DADDY.
NOW GO.
GET!
YOU'RE GONNA SAVE DADDY.
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
>> MORNING SICKNESS?
>> NO.
CAN YOU GET ME THE PEPTO?
UGH.
PLEASE HURRY.
[ GROANS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> WHAT IS THIS?
>> THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NONE OF MY
BUSINESS?
GOD DAMN IT DENVER, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO YOURSELF?
>> IT'S EMBARRASSING, OKAY?
>> WHAT?!
>> I HAD A TAPEWORM, AND THE
DOCTORS GAVE ME THOSE PILLS TO
FLUSH IT OUT.
>> A TAPEWORM?
>> YEAH.
IT'S NOT GONNA AFFECT THE BABY,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT.
>> HOW DID YOU GET A TAPEWORM?
>> I JUST...
[ GROANS ]
OW! GET ME TO THE BATHROOM!
[ GASPING, GROANING ]
>> I'M GONNA CALL 911.
>> [ GROANS ]
[ CRYING ]
[ GROANING ]
>> YEAH, I-I-I-I-I NEED SOMEBODY
OVER HERE AT 245 PARK AVENUE.
UH, MY GIRL IS HAVING A --
>> [ SCREAMING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
GET IT OUT OF ME.
[ GROANING ]
HELP ME!
[ GROANING, SCREAMING ]
>> GET AWAY FROM MY BABY,
YOU DEMON MOTHERFUCKER!
>> [ SCREAMS ]
[ BOTTLE THUDDING ]
[ BABY CRYING ]
YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE MY DENVER
BACK.
OH, YEAH.
OH, OF COURSE, SHE'S FINE, TOO.
SHE'S SO ADORABLE.
SHE JUST NEEDED A LONG REST,
SHE'S GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING YOU GUYS.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
>> GUCCI, GUCCI.
JIMMY CHOO.
[ BABY CRYING ]
>> OH.
OH.
I GUESS SOMEONE'S DONE SHOPPING.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I THINK SHE WANTS MAMA.
MM. AH.
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
[ BABY COOING ]
>> THAT IS A HORRIBLE STORY.
>> WHAT'S SO HORRIBLE ABOUT IT?
THE WORM WAS ONLY DOING ITS JOB.
IT'S EVEN BIBLICAL, WHERE THE
WORM DIETH NOT.
>> [ Chuckling ] DEEP.
>> THANK YOU, DOUG.
BUT, DR. TARKOVSKY, WE'RE REALLY
GETTING OFF POINT HERE.
>> THERE ARE ONE MILLION ANTS
PER PERSON ON THE PLANET.
IN EVERY TEN SQUARE FEET OF
RAINFOREST, YOU CAN FIND MORE
INSECTS THAN PEOPLE IN
MANHATTAN.
MOSQUITOS HAVE KILLED MORE
HUMANS THAN EVERY WAR COMBINED.
DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN LIVE
OUT OF HARMONY WITH CREATURES
THAT POWERFUL?
>> DUDE, IS IT TRUE YOU CAN
SWALLOW A POUND OF SPIDERS IN
YOUR LIFE AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT?
>> NORMALLY, THAT WOULD BE A
GOOD QUESTION, DOUGLAS.
>> I'M SORRY DR. TARKOVSKY.
I DON'T THINK HE KNEW WHAT
ENTOMOLOGY MEANT WHEN HE SIGNED
UP FOR THIS CLASS.
>> CAN YOU FEEL THEM NOW, DOUG,
CREEPING...
CRAWLING...
WALLOWING IN YOUR WASTE...
FEASTING ON YOUR FLESH...
MATING IN YOUR MUSK?
FLIES HAVE TASTE BUDS ON THEIR
FEET, SO WHEN THEY LAND ON YOU,
THEY TASTE YOU.
HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP AND
THOUGHT THERE IS SOMETHING
SLITHERING AROUND ON YOU?
DOUG? Shh.
THERE WAS.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> HEY.
>> WHAT YOU DOING?
>> OH, PACKING.
>> I THOUGHT YOU HAD TILL THE
END OF NEXT MONTH.
>> NO, E's STUFF.
HER MOM WANTS TO PICK IT UP IN
THE MORNING.
>> WELL, THERE GOES MY HIGH.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO
HOME AND CHANGE, SO I BOUGHT A
NEW OUTFIT, AND NOW I'M JUST
HANGING AROUND WITH NOTHING TO
DO.
>> GUESS WHAT I FOUND?
>> WHAT?
>> E's UBER SEXY DRESS THAT SHE
WORE ON HER DATE WITH
RYAN HAYKAL.
>> HEY, IS HER STUFF FAIR GAME?
I'M COMING OVER.
>> NO! JESUS!
HER MOM WANTS TO PICK UP BOXES
OF HER CLOTHES TOMORROW, NOT A
ZIPLOCK, BAG.
>> HEY, YOU WANT TO MEET AT
SUSHI X IN LIKE 30?
>> NO, I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
>> I GOT YOU COVERED.
COME ON, AND WEAR E's DRESS.
>> WH-- [ CHUCKLES ]
THE DRE-- YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE
DRESS LOOKS LIKE?
>> OF COURSE I REMEMBER E's
DRESS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> OH, COME ON.
YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT.
I NEED TO SEE IT.
>> ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
SEE YOU IN A FEW.
>> SHIT.
[ CHAIR CREAKS ]
$2,500?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
TA-DA!
>> GOD, YOU LOOK AWESOME!
I MEAN, IT WOULD LOOK BETTER ON
ME, BUT -- WOW.
>> IT'S A BIT MUCH.
>> IT HAD TO BE.
RYAN HAYKAL WASN'T EASY TO GET.
>> YOU KNOW, I WONDER IF SHE HAD
IT WASHED AFTER OR IF SHE KEPT
IT LIKE MONICA LEWINSKY, ALL
SEXIFIED.
>> [ Chuckling ] GROSS.
WHO WOULD DO THAT?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
>> I'LL JUST HAVE WHAT SHE'S
HAVING.
>> GREAT.
>> AND KEEP THE BAY BREEZES
COMING.
SO, UM, HOW'S PACKING GOING?
>> FINE.
DEPRESSING.
IT'S REALLY QUIET.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE
THAT PROBLEM MUCH LONGER.
DID YOU POST FOR A ROOMMATE, OR
ARE YOU JUST MOVING IN TO A
SMALLER PLACE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I-I REALLY LOVE THE LOCATION,
AND I LIKE THE PARKING AND THE
SHOPPING, BUT, UGH, THINKING
ABOUT TRYING TO GET TO KNOW
SOMEBODY AND ALL THEIR QUIRKS
SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
YOU COULD BROADEN YOUR CIRCLE.
YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT A GUY?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
I DON'T WANT TO BROADEN MY
CIRCLE.
THERE ISN'T A CIRCLE ANYMORE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A CIRCLE WITH TWO
PEOPLE!
>> SORRY.
[ BOTH SCOFF ]
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE GETTING HIT
THE HARDEST.
I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU GET BACK
ON TRACK.
>> OH!
SPEAKING OF EASY MONEY, LOOK
WHAT I FOUND THIS IN E's STUFF.
>> OH, YEAH, I TURNED E ONTO
THIS.
I AM BOOKED SOLID, BUT IT'S TWO
WEEKS, EASY MONEY.
HE'S LIKE COMATOSE.
>> SO, YOU CAN'T DO IT?
>> NO.
TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT REGISTERED
YET.
>> YEAH. BRING THAT UP.
GOD, YOU EVER QUIT?
[ SNIFFS ]
[ PARKING BRAKE CLICKS ]
HI.
I'M HERE FOR MY INTERVIEW WITH
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
>> COME RIGHT IN.
>> MRS. FAIRCHILD, ANOTHER NURSE
TO SEE YOU.
>> AH, ELIZABETH GRACE McNEIL.
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO
THIS INTERVIEW.
THE OTHERS HAVE BEEN SO DIRE,
AND YOU COME SO HIGHLY
RECOMMENDED.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] THANK YOU.
BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME "E."
>> OH, WELL, EVERYONE CALLS ME
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
COME. SIT.
COULD I GET YOU SOMETHING,
LIBATION, A DRINK?
>> OH, NO, THANK YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOUR HOME IS LOVELY.
OH, I MADE COPIES OF ALL MY
CREDENTIALS AND MY RéSUMé.
>> OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
I'VE ALREADY BEEN IN CONTACT
WITH YOUR REFERENCES.
DR. HENDRICKSON WAS SORRY TO
HEAR YOU WERE LOOKING TO LEAVE
HIS HOSPITAL.
>> WELL, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE,
WITH THE STAFF CHANGE-UPS, TOO
MANY POLITICS WERE GETTING IN
THE WAY OF CARING FOR MY
PATIENTS.
>> WELL, THERE ARE NO POLITICS
HERE.
SO, IF I MAY REITERATE PART OF
OUR EARLIER CONVERSATION, MY
SITUATION IS THIS.
EVERY YEAR, I GO AWAY FOR TWO
WEEKS TO A J.R. TOLKIEN
CONVENTION IN ENGLAND.
NOW, THIS IS THE ONE PERSONAL
INDULGENCE I ALLOW MYSELF.
THE REST OF THE YEAR I DEDICATE
MYSELF, MY LIFE, TO THE CARE OF
TIMOTHY, MY SON.
SO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
JUST AS COMPETENT, AND IT'S NOT
BEEN EASY.
>> I UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT EASY TRUSTING SOMEONE
WITH YOUR CHILD.
>> HE'S A YOUNG MAN NOW.
WHEN HE WAS 15, HE AND SOME
FRIENDS WERE SWIMMING.
TIMOTHY CLIMBED UP THE ROPE
SWING AND DOVE IN.
THE WATER WAS LOW THAT SUMMER,
AND HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE
BEDROCK.
IT COMPRESSED HIS SPINE.
THE OTHER CHILDREN, NOT KNOWING
WHAT TO DO, DRAGGED HIM ONTO THE
BEACH AND GOT HIM BREATHING.
HE CAN'T MOVE.
HIS BRAIN ONLY SUSTAINS HIS
LIFE.
THAT'S ALL.
>> I'M SORRY.
I'VE DEALT WITH NON-FATAL HEAD
TRAUMA BEFORE, AND IT CAN BE
DEVASTATING.
>> MM.
IF I MAY BE FRANK, MS. McNEIL,
BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE AND
YOUR REFERENCES, THIS MEETING
HAS BEEN MERELY A FORMALITY.
I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO STAY
WITH TIMOTHY WHILE I'M AWAY.
>> REALLY?
>> YES, REALLY.
>> YES! THANK YOU!
>> [ Chuckling ] ALL RIGHT THEN.
I'LL TAKE YOU UP, SHOW YOU THE
LOG AND MY ROUTINE, OF COURSE,
INTRODUCE YOU TO TIMOTHY.
OH, MY PLANE LEAVES ON THE
13th -- EARLY.
SO IF YOU COULD BE HERE ON THE
AFTERNOON OF THE 12th, I'D BE
HAPPY TO PAY YOU EXTRA FOR YOUR
TIME, AND I WOULD BE HERE,
SHOULD ANY QUESTIONS ARISE.
>> OKAY. SOUNDS GOOD.
>> ALL RIGHT, THEN.
COME ALONG.
TIMOTHY.
DARLING [SMOOCHES] THIS IS
MISS ELIZABETH.
SHE'S GOING TO BE STAYING WITH
YOU WHILE MOMMY'S IN ENGLAND.
>> HI, TIMOTHY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HE LOOKS SO HEALTHY, NOT SICK
AT ALL.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
WELL, HE'S NOT SICK.
HE'S SIMPLY BEHIND GLASS.
AREN'T YOU, DARLING?
NOW, HERE IS A LOG I KEEP OF
EVERYTHING I DO FOR MY LITTLE
TIMOTHY.
I TRY TO KEEP THIS BEDROOM AS
NORMAL AS POSSIBLE.
HOWEVER, HE DOES HAVE A SPECIAL
MATTRESS.
IT INFLATES AND DEFLATES TO
PREVENT PRESSURE POINTS AND BED
SORES.
HE STILL MUST BE TURNED EVERY
HOUR, BEFORE BEDTIME, AND AFTER
HIS MASSAGE.
I USUALLY DO IT EVERY THREE SO I
CAN SLEEP BETTER.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> NOW, I WILL CHANGE HIS
CATHETER BEFORE I GO.
BUT WHEN YOU TURN HIM, GIVE HIM
120 CCs OF WATER AND SWAB HIS
MOUTH.
I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR
THE SKIN.
>> I HOPE I CAN DO AS WELL AS
YOU.
>> I EXPECT, DEAR, THAT YOU
COULD DO BETTER.
>> OH, YES, OF COURSE.
>> OKAY, NOW, YOU'LL BE STAYING
IN THE ROOM DOWN THE HALL, WHICH
I WILL HAVE SET UP TO
ACCOMMODATE YOU ON THE 12th.
ALL RIGHT?
BYE, DARLING.
I'LL SEE YOU OUT.
>> BYE, TIMOTHY.
I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
>> [ MOANS ]
DON'T STOP NOW.
YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB
WITH MY LITTLE TIMMY.
[ GASPS ]
DON'T FORGET THE SKIN
PROTECTANT.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> MY MONEY'S ON YOU, KID.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> OH, LITTLE TIMMY'S NOT SO
LITTLE ANYMORE!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ MOANS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ GASPS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
>> AND THIS WILL BE YOUR ROOM.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> MRS. FAIRCHILD IS OUT.
SHE SAID SHE'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING, UNLESS YOU NEED HER.
>> I'LL BE FINE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> TILDA.
>> I'M DOR-- UH, I'M DOING THE
BEST I CAN.
I MEAN, I-I'LL DO THE BEST
I CAN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ UNZIPPING ]
[ SUITCASE THUDS ]
[ BEEPING ]
HEY, TIM.
IT'S ME...
DORI.
[ LAUGHS ]
NOT ON THE FIRST DAY, MISTER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY.
[ GRUNTS ] OKAY.
OH, GEEZ, GEEZ.
OKAY.
[ GRUNTING ]
THIS HERE.
SHIT! SORRY!
OH, CRAP. OKAY.
SORRY.
OKAY.
HI.
I JUST -- I NEED TO JUST DO
THIS.
OKAY.
OKAY.
UH...
OKAY.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OKAY, SEE YOU IN ABOUT, UH,
50 MINUTES.
MM.
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SNIFFS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> AND MOMMY WILL BRING YOU SO
MANY LOVELY THINGS FROM LONDON.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] MORNING.
>> MORNING.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS ONE OF THE
MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I DO,
SAYING GOODBYE TO MY TIMMY.
[ SNIFFS ]
BUT MOMMY HAS TO GO.
[ SMOOCHES ]
>> DON'T WORRY, MRS. FAIRCHILD.
WE HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY.
I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
>> WELL, MS. McNEIL, DON'T YOU
HESITATE TO CALL ME IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING.
MY LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS.
>> OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]
HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
>> BYE-BYE.
BYE, DARLING.
[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]
>> LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST THE TWO
OF US.
[ SNIFFS ]
WHAT THE FUCK?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
FLEAS!
[ SHIVERING ]
UGH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
CAN I SLEEP IN HERE TONIGHT?
OKAY.
GEEZ. THIS IS AN AWESOME BED.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ]
DID YOU JUST LOOK AT ME?
TIM?
TIM?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ] UGH.
[ SPOON CLATTERS ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ MUG THUDS ]
>> MORNING, MISS.
>> MORNING.
HEY, I-I THINK MY BEDROOM HAS
FLEAS.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> MY BED -- IT'S INFESTED WITH
FLEAS.
>> IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT.
HOW WOULD YOU GET SUCH AN IDEA?
>> LOOK!
>> LOOKS LIKE A RASH.
YOU MUST BE ALLERGIC TO THE
DETERGENT.
I'LL RE-WASH YOUR SHEETS.
>> DO YOU HAVE SOME BUG SPRAY?
ALL I FOUND LAST NIGHT WAS OFF
REPELLENT.
>> I DOUBT IT.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
MAYBE YOU COULD GO GET SOME.
THEY'RE IN HERE, TOO, YOU KNOW.
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN BOTHERED.
[ HAND SLAMS ]
>> I GUESS THEY JUST LIKE ME.
I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF
THIS, OKAY?
GO NOW AND GET SOME SPRAY!
WAIT. SORRY, TILDA.
IT'S JUST...
IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
[ SIGHS ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT A LUCKY GUY. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GET DOTED ON ALL DAY.
I JUST RUB YOU AND TOUCH YOU
ALL THE TIME.
YOU CAN'T TELL I HAVE NO
EXPERIENCE, CAN YOU, TIM?
[ LAUGHS ]
I WISH YOU WOULD LOOK AT ME,
TIM.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU'RE SO NICE.
DAMN IT! THAT'S IT!
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
TAKE THAT!
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
[ CAN THUDS ]
I'LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT,
TIM.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
UGH! UGH! THIS IS BULLSHIT!
DIE! FUCKING DIE!
[ SCREAMS ] FUCK!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY ]
UGH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ WATER RUNNING ]
WHOA!
[ Crying ] GOD!
GET OFF OF ME!
UGH!
UGH!
DIE!
UGH! SO GROSS!
UGH! AAH!
[ WHIMPERING ]
FUCK!
SO DISGUSTING.
[ WHIMPERING ]
I FEEL SAFER WITH YOU, TIM.
WILL YOU PROTECT ME?
THE ALARM.
>> [ Weakly ] SAVE...ME.
>> OH, MY G-- TIM, YOU TALKED!
>> DORI.
>> TIM, I'M HERE!
I'LL CALL THE DOCTOR!
>> HELP.
>> HELP YOU? HOW?
[ GASPING ]
>> SAVE...ME.
>> WAIT. TIM?
TIM?
GOD, IT'S A MIRACLE!
NO, WAIT! TIM, COME BACK!
TIM?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
THAT'S RIGHT. REST.
I'LL SAVE YOU.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ MID-TEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
[ LINE RINGING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> HEY, BITCH.
>> LISA, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
>> UH, SURE. COME ON OVER.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE ADDRESS.
>> NO, I CAN'T.
I'M...
I'M AT WORK.
>> YOU CHANGE SHIFTS?
>> "LEES," I'M SERIOUS!
>> HOLD YOUR HORSES.
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OKAY. WHAT'S UP.
>> I HAVE THIS, UH, COUSIN, AND
HE'S INJURED -- HIS SPINAL CORD.
HE CAN'T MOVE OR TALK.
>> OH, GOD, DORI, I'M SORRY.
>> NO, I -- [ CHUCKLES ]
DON'T BE SORRY.
UM, I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW
THEY COME OUT OF IT?
>> DORI...THEY DON'T.
I MEAN, AT FIRST THERE'S A
REMOTE POSSIBILITY, BUT IT'S
PRACTICALLY UNHEARD OF AFTER A
FEW WEEKS.
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN LIKE THIS?
>> PRACTICALLY, BUT I-IT COULD
HAPPEN?
>> ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN, I
GUESS.
>> HOW COULD YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN?
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE ASKING ME?
>> HOW DO YOU BRING SOMEONE
BACK?
>> DORI, ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE
THEM FEEL COMFORTABLE.
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY IN CONTROL OF
HEALING SOMEONE.
>> COULD EMOTIONS, LIKE FALLING
IN LOVE, DO IT?
>> WHAT?
DORI, I GOT TO GO.
SORRY ABOUT YOUR COUSIN.
>> LEES, IT'S HAPPENING!
[ GASPS ] TIM!
>> I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY
SPECIAL SOMEONE.
I KNEW YOU'D COME AND CHANGE
MY LIFE.
I WAS BEHIND GLASS, AND NOW I'M
FREE, MY DARLING.
>> BUT HOW?
HOW DID I BREAK YOU FREE?
>> Shh!
I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOU.
>> [ MOANING ]
THIS IS LIKE A DREAM.
>> IT CAN ALWAYS BE THIS WAY IF
YOU SAVE ME.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> I WANT TO. HOW?
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> I WANT TO HAVE YOU.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
OH, YOU SMELL SO GOOD.
I WANT TO HAVE IT.
>> YES. TAKE IT.
TAKE IT!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ MOANS ]
>> YOU SMELL LIKE...
>> WHAT?
>> LIKE BUG SPRAY.
>> [ GASPING ]
YOU'RE SO SMART.
[ CLATTERING ]
GOD, TILDA, YOU SCARED ME!
>> MORNING, MISS.
MORNING, MR. FAIRCHILD.
>> TILDA, I HAVE A ERRAND I HAVE
TO RUN.
>> I CAN GO DO IT FOR YOU WHEN I
GO THE SHOPPING.
>> UH, NO, IT'S A PRESCRIPTION.
I-I HAVE TO PICK IT UP MYSELF.
IT'LL ONLY BE ABOUT 30 MINUTES.
I'LL BE BACK BEFORE THE HOUR.
>> WELL, DO YOU THINK THAT'S
WISE?
>> IT'S FINE.
BESIDES, IT'S NOT AN OPTION.
BYE, TIM.
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
I'M BACK!
>> OH, GOOD.
>> HEY, I JUST SPOKE WITH
MRS. FAIRCHILD, AND SHE SAID YOU
COULD HAVE THE REST OF THE
AFTERNOON OFF.
>> WELL, I JUST TALKED TO
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
IT.
>> I KNOW.
UH, SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU.
SHE FORGOT.
>> WELL, I'LL JUST MAKE YOU SOME
LUNCH, AND I'LL BE OFF.
>> I GRABBED A BURGER WHILE I
WAS OUT.
I WAS REALLY CRAVING ONE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> WELL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE
NEEDING ME THEN.
BYE, MISS.
>> I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK
ON YOUR MOTHER'S FACE.
SHE'S GONNA BE SO SHOCKED.
WELL, SHOCKED ISN'T REALLY THE
RIGHT WORD.
[ GASPS ] SHE'LL FAINT.
OH, YOU ARE SO LUCKY ELIZABETH
DIED AND YOU HAVE ME.
I BET SHE COULDN'T HAVE SAVED
YOU.
WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE EACH OTHER.
OH, TIM, IT'S GOING TO BE SO
WONDERFUL, JUST YOU AND ME AND
NO FLEAS!
[ SHOUTING "WHOO!" ]
[ CONTINUES SHOUTING ]
>> I KNEW YOU WOULD SAVE ME.
>> I LOVE YOU, TIM.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO, DORI.
>> HELLO?
I'M HOME!
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> TIMMY?
TIMMY?
TIMMY?!
[ Crying ] NOOOOOOOO!
NOOOOO!
[ INHALING SHARPLY ]
NO! NOOOO!
>> THAT STORY WAS KIND OF HOT.
>> UGH.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WOULD
EVEN STAND A CHANCE?
>> OH, HOW SWEET.
THE MATING DANCE.
>> WHAT?
DOUG IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
NOT MY TYPE.
>> OH, COULD YOU PUT ANOTHER
"REALLY" IN THERE?
>> TYPE -- INTERESTING HUMAN
NOTION.
MOON MOTHS ARE ABLE TO SMELL
PHEROMONES OF THE POTENTIAL MATE
6 MILES AWAY.
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED SOMEONE AND
FELT THE URGE...
TO TAKE THEM TO THE GROUND?
>> WHAT A ROMANTIC.
>> ROMANCE IS A LIE,
POPULARIZED TO SELL LINGERIE.
LUST DRIVES US.
ONLY WHEN WE FEAR IT DOES THE
WORM TURN ON US.
[ HUMAN SEXUAL RESPONSE'S
"WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO ME?"
PLAYS ]
>> * LATE AT NIGHT I WALK
THROUGH TOWN *
* I EYE EVERY ONE I MEET
* I WANT TO FOLLOW THEM ALL
HOME *
* BUT I JUST FOLLOW MY FEET
* INTO THE BOOKSTORE
* I SEE LINED UP
>> * "VIRGINS DIE HORNY"
>> * SITTING NEXT TO
>> * THE HITE REPORT
>> * SITTING NEXT TO
>> * "LOVE STORY"
>> AND I ASK, WHAT DOES SEX *
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
>> * SOCIETY
>> * I PUT MY FINGER TO MY
TONGUE *
>> * AH-OH
>> * I TASTE VAGINA
* I LICKED BETTY FORD'S BOOTS
>> * IT'S TRUE
>> * SHE WORE THEM ALL OVER
CHINA *
* PEOPLE SAY THAT CHINESE PEOPLE
DON'T BALL AS MUCH AS WE DO *
* CAUSE THEIR CULTURAL
REVOLUTION HAS SHOWN THERE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SEE
TO *
* SO I ASK WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
SOCIETY *
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
SOCIETY? *
>> ANGELA, CAN WE ORDER SOME
CAKE, PLEASE?
>> A MOMENT, PLEASE.
LOOK, DON'T TAKE ALL OF THEM
BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE WOULD LIKE
SOME ALSO.
>> NO, MA'AM, I WASN'T TRYING TO
SEX YOU.
I WAS JUST ASKING YOU YOUR
SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
O-OH, N-NO, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE
A LES--
YES, THIS IS THE SAME SURVEY WE
GIVE EVERYONE.
WELL, IF YOU WANT THE FREE
PRIZE, YOU HAVE TO FINISH THE
SURVEY.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PRIZE
IS.
THEY DON'T EVEN TELL US.
HELLO? HELLO? MISS VICKERS?
>> PIGS, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
[ SIGHS ]
YES, MR. TURNER, MM-HMM.
THE PRIZE SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN
SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS.
MM-HMM.
AWW, WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY, TOO.
BUH-BYE NOW!
[ RECEIVER SLAMS ]
I'M ABOUT TO GO SQUEAKY FROMME
ON THESE HUDSUCKERS.
>> HMM?
>> [ SIGHS ] NOT IN THE MOOD.
>> SO, I'M GUESSING THAT DATE
DIDN'T GO SO WELL LAST NIGHT.
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
AM I REALLY SO WEIRD THAT NO ONE
CAN LOVE ME?
I THOUGHT THAT NERDS AND GEEKS
WERE IN RIGHT NOW.
>> NERD CHIC.
THERE'S SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE
OUT THERE.
UGGOS ARE MULTIPLYING AT
ALARMING RATES.
It's like "The Hills Have Eyes."
SO, TAKE A STAB IN THE DARK, AND
DON'T TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY.
I MEAN, IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO
FIND BRUCE, AND LOOK AT ME.
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
[ INTERCOM BEEPS ]
>> HEY, BAILEY, CONFERENCE ROOM,
RAPIDO.
>> YES, SIR.
[ INTERCOM BUZZES ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE,
MR. BAILEY.
RELAX.
WE'RE FAMILY HERE.
H-HAVE A SEAT.
>> THANK YOU, MR. REYES.
>> LIKE I TOLD YOU, WE'RE
FAMILIA!
CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME.
>> OKAY, VIC, UM, BUT, UH,
I GO BY BAILEY.
I DON'T REALLY GO BY MY FIRST
NAME.
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE, FINE.
I DON'T REALLY GO BY VIC.
I DON'T TRY TO ESCAPE MY LATINO
HERITAGE, SO LET'S GO WITH
BEECTOR.
>> OKAY. VICTOR.
>> NO IT?
"BEECTOR"!
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> IT'S PRONOUNCED "BEECTOR."
YOU KNOW, THE "V" IS PRONOUNCED
LIKE A "B," AND THE "I" IS
PRONOUNCED LIKE TWO E's.
>> BEAKER, LIKE FROM THE
MUPPETS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
NO, NOT QUITE.
LET'S, UH -- LET'S STICK WITH
MR. REYES, EH?
>> O-OKAY, SIR.
UH, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO
ME ABOUT?
>> WELL THIS IS A CALL CENTER,
SO WE MONITOR THE PHONES FROM
TIME TO TIME IN ORDER TO ENSURE
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION AND TO
MAINTAIN A LEVEL OF QUALITY AND
PROFESSIONALISM.
AND THAT PROFESSIONALISM EXTENDS
INTO THE WORKPLACE.
>> SIR?
>> WELL...I CAN ACCESS THE
SPEAKERPHONES IN THE OFFICE.
SO I CAN HEAR THE AMBIENT NOISE,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE...
>> LIKE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN
EMPLOYEES?!
>> YEAH.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> OH, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
I USED TO BE A HUGE GEEK.
IN FACT, IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEY
USED TO CALL ME NERDY NACHO.
>> I'M SO SORRY.
PEOPLE USED TO BE SO RACIST.
>> WHAT? NO.
MY FIRST NAME IS IGNACIO, SO MY
FAMILY CALLED ME NACHO, WHICH
THEN BECAME NERDY NACHO BECAUSE,
WELL, I FIT THE BILL.
BUT PEOPLE CALL ME VICTOR NOW,
OR MR. REYES.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
>> THAT YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO WHAT
PEOPLE CALL YOU?
>> NO, BAILEY.
I SAW THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE,
AND I DID.
NOW I DICTATE WHAT PEOPLE CALL
ME.
>> SO, YOU THINK I SHOULD CHANGE
MY NAME.
>> NO. YOUR APPROACH.
YOU DO WANT THE CHO CHO RIGHT?
>> WHAT'S A CHO CHO?
>> YOU KNOW...THE HOO-HA.
THE PEACH.
[ HANDS CLAPPING ]
THE SLAP TRAP.
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
I-I-I DON'T THINK WE'RE
CONNECTING HERE.
I DON'T LIKE THE LANGUAGE, AND
FRANKLY, SIR, YOU SHOULD BE
ASHAMED.
YOU'VE GOT WOMEN WORKING IN
THIS OFFICE.
WHAT IF THEY OVERHEARD YOU JUST
NOW?
>> SIT DOWN, MR. BAILEY.
I'M SORRY.
ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT YOU
CAN'T BE LOOKING FOR YOUR TWIN.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE JUST DON'T WORK
LIKE THAT.
THERE IS A POSITIVE, AND THEN
THERE'S A NEGATIVE.
AND WHEN THE TWO FIT TOGETHER,
YOU HAVE A COMPLETE UNIT.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> SINCE YOU'RE ON THE MILD
SIDE, YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEONE
ON THE...WILD SIDE!
YOU KNOW, VARIETY IS THE SPICE
OF LIFE, BAILEY.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT, EH?
>> UM...
[ STAMMERS ]
I-I CAN SEE THE, UH, MERIT IN
THAT, AND, UH, I'LL THINK ABOUT
IT, SIR.
>> WELL, LET ME KNOW IF YOU EVER
NEED ADVICE.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
WE'RE FAMILY.
DON'T YOU FORGET THAT.
>> OKAY.
>> I'M LOOKING AT THE FILE RIGHT
NOW.
IT CLEARLY SAYS BACK ON OCTOBER
13th, THERE WAS NO PAYMENT.
CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT
HAPPENED THERE?
>> SO [CLEARS THROAT] BAILEY HAD
ANOTHER ONE OF HIS BAD DATES
LAST NIGHT.
>> MM-HMM.
>> AND THE POLICE FOUND ANOTHER
DEAD BODY THIS MORNING.
>> HERE WE GO AGAIN.
>> [ SIGHS ]
HE'S A QUIET LONER WHO KEEPS
TO HIMSELF.
HE'S SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED, AND HE
SLEEPS IN HIS DEAD MOTHERS' BED.
I'M GONNA CALL A SPADE A SPADE.
[ Imitating Buffalo Bill ] IT
PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN.
>> LOOK, JANICE, IT'S OKAY
TO JOKE AROUND HERE, BUT
SERIOUSLY -- BAILEY?
THE GUY'S LIKE FAMILY TO US.
THEY SAY THE KILLER CHOPS THE
HEADS OFF OF HIS VICTIMS.
LOOK AT HIM.
YOU THINK THAT LITTLE GUY CAN
WIELD AN AX?
>> I CAN'T IMAGINE IT MYSELF.
BUT SHOULD YOU REALLY ENCOURAGE
HIM TO SEEK OUT POTENTIAL
VICTIMS?
[ SIGHS ]
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OKAY?
>> TOMORROW NIGHT...
>> THANKS, BOSS.
>> ...AT SUSHI...
>> ALL RIGHT, BAILEY, LET'S GO.
I'M GONNA LOCK UP.
>> ...X.
[ CHUCKLES ]
"I'LL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON."
I'LL BET YOU WILL.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
[ GREGORI KLOSMAN'S "MINIBAR"
PLAYS ]
WHAT YOU DOING?
DID YOU MISS ME?
>> * FUCK, THERE'S NO MINIBAR
[ MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> [ MOANING ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
COME ON, FRANKS.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
>> GOOD MORNING. INTERNATIONAL.
HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?
>> YES, EXACTLY.
YOUR DONATION WILL HELP LITTLE
RODRIGO GET THE SCHOOLING HE
NEEDS.
I JUST HOPE I CAN FIND SPONSORS
FOR HIS BROTHER AND SISTER.
I MEAN, WHAT WE GENERALLY LIKE
TO DO IS TO SPONSOR A WHOLE
FAMILY AT A TIME.
THAT WAY, IT HAS A GREATER
IMPACT ON THE COMMUNITY.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S BEEN GREAT
TALKING TO YOU AGAIN, BARBARA.
OH, YEAH?
IT'S ONLY AN EXTRA $19 A MONTH.
YES, WE DO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, BARBARA.
IT REALLY HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.
AND THANK THE LORD FOR REAL,
HEARTFELT FOLKS LIKE YOU.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL IN A
COUPLE WEEKS TO MAKE SURE THAT
THE PACKETS GOT THERE OKAY.
ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
[ SMOOCHES ] YOU TOO.
BYE-BYE.
[ PHONE HANGS UP ]
>> WELL, B-BOY, YOU'RE ON FIRE.
[ HANDS TAPPING ]
BODES WELL FOR THE DATE TONIGHT.
>> OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.
I'M SO SICK OF DATING.
>> NO, SHE'S RIGHT, BAILEY.
YOU HAVE TO RIDE THIS WAVE OF
POSITIVE ENERGY AND DON'T HOLD
BACK.
IF IT GOES WELL, WHICH I'M SURE
IT WILL, YOU NEED TO STAY IN THE
MOMENT!
THIS IS YOUR TIME, MY MAN.
I-I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
WHEN THE TIDES TURN FOR YOU, THE
UNIVERSE GIVES YOU AN
OPPORTUNITY.
>> I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I NEED TO BREAK OUT OF MY
SHELL.
USUALLY, ON THE FIRST FEW DATES,
I BEHAVE MYSELF, NOT LETTING ANY
WOMEN IN OR SHOWING ANY SIGN OF
WEAKNESS, SO WHEN I DO SHOW SOME
OF MY PERSONALITY, IT COMES OFF
AS DISINGENUOUS, YOU KNOW?
SO, FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE
MYSELF, COME WHAT MAY, AND DAMN
THE TORPEDOES!
>> YEAH.
>> JUST STAY OUT OF THE
HEADLINES.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
AS MATTER OF FACT, IF THE DATE
RUNS ALL NIGHT, YOU CAN COME IN
LATE TOMORROW.
>> WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> * THEY DAY THE DOLLS CAME TO
LIFE, CAME TO LIFE *
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* BLOODY FOOTPRINTS IN THE
BATHTUB *
* WHO'S SLEEPING THERE?
>> * CAME TO LIFE
>> * LITTLE FRIENDS
>> [ GASPS ]
>> * VISIT
* ...IN MY HAIR
>> * CAME TO LIFE
>> * THE WEEKEND'S GETTING
WILDER *
>> ...IS SO MUCH SEXIER.
INSECT.
>> OH, YES.
>> INSECT.
INSECT.
INSECTS!
IN SEX!
SEX!
I LOVE WORMS...
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> ...ESPECIALLY THE LUMBRICUS
TERRESTRIS.
COCK.
>> OH, INSECTS.
>> COCKROACHES.
THEY'RE GOOD, BUT BEAT...
BEAT...
BEETLES.
THEY'RE EVEN BETTER!
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY BABIES.
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ DOG BARKING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
>> IT IS SO COOL TO FIND A
TELEMARKETER WHO LOVES HIS JOB.
IT'S RARE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO
CAN FIND THE POSITIVES IN LIFE.
>> WELL, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF
FOCUSING ON THE LITTLE THINGS
AND MAKING THE BEST OF YOUR
SITUATION.
>> I KNOW. I KNOW.
I MEAN, I TRY, BUT TO ACTUALLY
DO IT?
I'M A HAIRDRESSER, OKAY?
AND ONCE THE SALON EMPTIES OUT,
WE ALL JUST INEVITABLY JUST TALK
SHIT ABOUT THE CUSTOMERS.
BUT THEY TELL US ALL THIS DRAMA.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO?
BUT THEN THE NEXT TIME THEY
COME IN THERE'S THIS GUILTY,
AWKWARD SILENCE BEFORE EVERYONE
STARTS TALKING AGAIN.
>> HEY, DON'T FEEL BAD FOR
VENTING, THOUGH.
IT'S WHAT KEEPS US ALL SANE.
IT'S LIKE A PRESSURE-RELIEF
VALVE.
IF YOU BOTTLED ALL THAT UP,
EVENTUALLY THERE'D BE AN
EXPLOSION OF TENSION.
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
A GIRL CAN USE THAT EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE.
>> WAITRESS, ANOTHER ROUND,
OR TWO OR FIVE, PLEASE.
I THINK I LIKE YOU.
>> RAWR.
>> WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
>> OH, I KNOW A PLACE, A PARK
THAT THE COPS DON'T CHECK ON AT
NIGHT.
>> OOH, THAT'S SO HIGH SCHOOL.
I LOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT TO GET ANOTHER
ROUND, THOUGH, BEFORE WE GO?
>> YEAH.
>> WAITRESS?
COULD I GET ANOTHER RUM AND
COKE, PLEASE?
BUT THIS TIME, MAKE IT STRONGER.
GIVE ME THREE FINGERS.
>> AND I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SEA
BREEZE, AND CAN YOU BRING THE
CHECK WITH THE DRINKS?
THANKS.
>> I KNOW I SAID THREE FINGERS,
BUT YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO GET TWO
IN THERE.
TRUST ME. IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
I THINK I GREW MY HYMEN BACK.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
YOU ARE SUCH A CHARACTER!
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO,
ANYWAY?
>> OH, I'M OVER HERE UNDER THIS
TREE.
I'M JUST GETTING EVERYTHING
READY.
I'LL COME UP AND GET YOU IN A
MINUTE.
>> I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME OUT
HERE FOR A MINUTE.
>> YOUR KNIGHT WITH SHINY LIGHT
SOURCE IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY.
>> OOH, SHINY!
>> THERE'S MY CATWOMAN.
>> I'M A TIGRESS, AND YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHING YET.
>> SEE?
MAGIC.
>> YOU ARE AMAZING.
HOW DID YOU?
[ GRUNTS ]
>> OOH, AGGRESSIVE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> AAH! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
YOU ARE ONE SICK LITTLE BASTARD!
>> FUCK!
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> * ACTIVATED
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
* I CAN FEEL YOU
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> OH!
OH, I'D FORGOTTEN, FRANKS.
MR. REYES SAID THAT I COULD COME
IN LATE TODAY.
[ CELLPHONE THUDS ]
[ WATER RUNNING ]
[ BEES BUZZING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GASPING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GROANS ] NASTIES.
OHH.
[ GASPS ]
AHH, YOU LITTLE NASTIES.
[ BUZZING CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, HE DID SAY THAT I COULD
CALL HIM ANYTIME, AND HE'S
ALWAYS AT THE OFFICE WAY BEFORE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'LL GIVE HIM A CALL, RIGHT?
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> AW, SHIT. IT'S BAILEY.
UGH.
YES, BAILEY. HOW'D IT GO?
>> I RUINED IT.
EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE, AND I
RUINED IT ALL AGAIN.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU RUINED
IT, BAILEY?
>> YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE GETTING
SPECIFIC.
[ SIGHS ]
IT'S HOPELESS.
SHOULDN'T I JUST GIVE UP?
>> [ SIGHS ] YES.
YES.
[ GRUNTS ]
I MEAN -- I MEAN, NO.
NO, NO, I MEAN, IT'S TIME THAT
YOU LET ME SET YOU UP WITH
SOMEONE.
>> SERIOUSLY.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE MIXING
BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE.
>> YEAH, UH, ME EITHER.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'S HOT. SHE'S EASY.
SHE -- SHE'S DOWN FOR JUST ABOUT
ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GOT TO GET BACK ON THAT
HORSE, MAN.
I'LL SET YOU UP TONIGHT.
>> [ SIGHS ] OKAY.
>> OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, THEN!
ARE YOU COMING IN TODAY?
>> YEAH, I'LL BE THERE IN A
LITTLE BIT.
>> OH. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THEN I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
UH, I'LL GIVE YOU THE DETAILS
LATER.
>> HERE WE GO, FRANKS, ONCE MORE
INTO THE BREACH.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> DIDN'T YOU SEE THE PAPER?
THE COPS FOUND ANOTHER DEAD BODY
THIS MORNING.
>> I'M TELLING YOU -- BAILEY IS
NO SERIAL KILLER.
HE'S JUST A LITTLE ODD.
>> HMM.
WELL, CLEAR YOUR CALENDAR
BECAUSE WE ARE FOLLOWING HIM ON
THIS DATE YOU SET HIM UP ON.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE
REALLY IS A SERIAL KILLER?
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THAT
NEIGHBOR ON THE NEWS WHO'S, "OH,
I THOUGHT HE WAS A LITTLE WEIRD,
BUT I NEVER EXPECTED BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH"?
>> [ GROANS ]
>> ARE YOU CHARLIE BROWN OR
CHARLES BRONSON?
>> ALL RIGHT, RELAX.
RELAX, OKAY?
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FOLLOW HIM,
BUT AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE,
OKAY?
I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T
SEE US.
>> [ Imitating Brittany Murphy ]
I'LL NEVER TELL.
THANK YOU, MR. REYES.
>> YOU CAN CALL ME VICTOR.
>> MMM.
[ DOG PANTING ]
>> WELL, HERE WE GO,
FRANKENSTEIN.
MY TWO WORLDS ARE ABOUT TO
COLLIDE, AND THE IMPACT COULD
SEND ME ROCKETING INTO OUTER
SPACE.
THIS IS PROBABLY A BIG, BIG
MISTAKE.
BUT YOU STILL LOVE ME, RIGHT?
I JUST NEED TO GET LAID THE
OLD-FASHIONED WAY, TO A LIVING,
BREATHING VERTEBRATE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> HI. HEATHER, RIGHT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, CUTIE.
IS DINNER READY YET?
>> YES, IT IS, MILADY.
>> CAN I FRESHEN UP?
>> CAN I...?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> RIGHT THAT WAY.
>> I THINK I SEE HIM MAKING
DINNER IN THERE.
>> I DON'T CARE.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T
CARE?
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
>> I DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT.
I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> I CAME PREPARED.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
>> OKAY. HERE. PUT THIS ON.
IT'S YOUR BALACLAVA.
>> BAKLAVA?
>> [ SIGHS ] JUST PUT IT ON.
>> JANICE, WHAT THE HELL?
ARE YOU SEAL TEAM SIX OR
SOMETHING?
>> SO, WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?
>> GLOVES?
I DON'T NEED ANY GLOVES.
>> YES, YOU DO.
THIS IS A STAKEOUT.
>> YOU CAME SO HIGHLY
RECOMMENDED BY VICKY.
I WAS JUST SO EAGER TO MEET YOU.
>> WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS
THANK YOU, BEECTOR.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
>> MM, COULD BE A LOT OF THINGS.
QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT
YOU'RE GONNA BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO
FIND OUT.
>> WELL, I DID MAKE
DINNER, AND...
I PICKED UP A BOX OF WINE!
IT'S A GREAT VINTAGE, TOO --
LAST MONTH, I BELIEVE.
>> YOU HAD ME AT "BOXED WINE."
>> COME ON. DUCK DOWN.
GO SLOWER.
>> [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT, FINE.
JUST GIVE ME THE UMBRELLA.
I FEEL LIKE A FREAKING NINJA
OVER HERE.
>> I'M NOT A NINJA.
I'M A RONIN.
>> WHAT?
>> OH, LOOK IT UP.
>> JANICE, YOU'RE TALKING LOCO,
EH?
OH, BROTHER.
>> WAIT. DUCK DOWN! DUCK DOWN!
UGH. I CAN'T BREATH.
BESIDES, THIS IS STARTING TO
LOOK LIKE AN EPISODE OF
"THE BACHELOR."
>> WHY ARE YOU TAKING THAT OFF?
SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN.
>> OH, COME ON.
HE'S GOT IT COVERED.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND WITH ME BY
THE NAME OF JOSE.
>> JOSE?
>> I BROUGHT A FRIEND, TOO.
>> YEAH?
>> HIS NAME...IS CHUCK.
>> CHUCK?
>> CHUCK.
>> DO YOU STILL THINK THIS WAS A
GOOD IDEA?
>> I COULD HAVE SWORN THERE WAS
SOMETHING GOING ON.
MY SPIDEY SENSES WERE TINGLING.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I'M NEVER WRONG ABOUT THESE
THINGS.
>> WELL, IN THIS CASE, WE CAME
OUT HERE FOR NOTHING.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I FOUND SOMETHING FUNKY IN
YOUR KITCHEN.
>> UH...I HOPE IT WAS ANOTHER
BOX OF WINE.
>> NO.
IT'S WAS SOMETHING FILTHY...
DIRTY, AND DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING.
>> S-S-SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THEM?
>> WHAT, ROACHES?
OR FORMICOPHILIA IN GENERAL?
[ SCOFFS ]
OH, SO YOU'RE SHOCKED THAT I
KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR INSECT
FETISH?
THAT I KNOW YOUR DIRTY LITTLE
SECRET?
THAT YOU LOVE TO FEEL THEIR TINY
LITTLE LEGS CRAWLING ALL OVER
YOU?
UGH.
OH, HOW CUTE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE KINKIEST
ONE HERE.
>> BAILEY'S DOING HIS THING.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> HE'S MAKING --
>> WHAT? WHAT IS HE DOING?
>> OOH.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> WE SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING
THIS.
>> [ MOANS ]
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> YEAH, BAILEY!
>> WE SHOULD LEAVE THOSE KIDS
ALONE.
>> NO.
>> LET THEM DO THEIR THING.
>> THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
>> [ MOANING ]
>> CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE OUR FUN?
>> [ Imitating Al Pacino ] OH,
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND --
JOSE.
>> AH. AND TO BEECTOR.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] VICTOR.
MMM.
>> OKAY, DON'T BE SO GREEDY.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> UGH!
>> [ MOANING ]
>> [ GASPS ]
>> OH, SHIT!
>> AAH!
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE ALL YOU
NEEDED?
>> OH, I HAD ABOUT ALL I CAN
TAKE, IS MORE LIKE IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT STORY WAS AWESOME.
I WISH YOU WERE OUR TEACHER,
DR. LEBOWSKI.
>> OH, YOU ARE LIKE 12 YEARS
OLD.
WE HAVE THIS PAPER DUE.
ARE YOU, MY USELESS LAB PARTNER,
GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT WITH ME
TO FINISH IT?
>> PLAY NICE, CHILDREN.
CONSIDER, IF YOU WILL, THE
CICADA, LAYING ASLEEP IN THE
GROUND, GESTATING AND DREAMING
FOR 12 YEARS, WAITING TO DIG ITS
WAY TO FREEDOM, EATING, MATING,
SINGING, ONLY TO LIVE FOR A
WEEK, NEVER A THOUGHT FOR WHICH
DAY WILL BE ITS LAST.
>> SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
LIKE, WE ALL END UP BUG FOOD, SO
WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT WHILE
WE CAN?
>> SURE, DOUG.
THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR SIMPLICITY.
>> COME ON, DOUG.
BYE, DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> THANKS, DOC.
>> GOOD LUCK ADAPTING OUT THERE.
[ SPEAKING CROATIAN ]
[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT A FREAK.
>> I LIKED THE DOC.
>> I WASTED MY ENTIRE DAY.
I WAS REALLY COUNTING ON THAT TO
BE THE LINCHPIN IN OUR PAPER.
>> WHY'D YOU HAVE TO ACT SO
DISGUSTED BY ME?
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
>> OH, GET OVER IT.
YOU REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT
ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.
>> NO.
OH, YEAH, BABY.
>> WHAT?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
OH, THE CHICK I'VE BEEN SEXTING
IS UP FOR MEETING TONIGHT.
>> GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> "REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT.
I THINK IT'S TIME WE PUT OUR
FACES TO FLESH."
>> SHE DID NOT SAY THAT.
>> READ IT AND WEEP.
>> WHO WOULD SAY THAT?!
>> ONLY THE MOST AWESOME CHICK
EVER.
>> WELL, WHATEVER.
HAVE FUN WITH THAT.
I'M GONNA GO WRITE OUR PAPER.
>> HEY, YOU CAN COME WITH, IF
YOU WANT.
WE COULD ALL GET FREAKY.
>> AWW.
USUALLY WHEN A GUY ASKS ME TO
GET FREAKY, MY KNEES JUST
QUIVER, BUT THIS TIME IT'S JUST
MY STOMACH.
>> SO, YEAH, THEN?
>> FIND YOUR OWN RIDE!
>> HEY, WAIT!
WHAT ABOUT A RIDE DOWNTOWN?
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
WHAT ABOUT MY BOOTY CALL?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OH, THANK GOD YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR
PIC.
TONIGHT'S BEEN SO WEIRD.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
FIRST?
>> HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD?
>> * OHHHHHHH
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* UNTIL MY EYES...
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
*UNTIL YOU'RE ALL DEAD AND
GONE *
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
NO!
[ THUD ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ DOG BARKING ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
>> OH, IS THIS YOUR CAR?
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
>> OR WE CAN GO GET A BEER.
ALL RIGHT.
>> DOUG, DON'T YOU THINK IT
MIGHT BE TIME TO INVEST IN A
LAPTOP?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
IT WAS EITHER A LAPTOP OR THREE
KEGS.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
>> NO-BRAINER.
>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
>> NOW, DOUG, WHEN WE MEET
DR. TARKOVSKY, LET ME DO THE
TALKING.
>> BUT I GOT MY OWN LIST OF
QUESTIONS.
>> YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR CAVE
DRAWINGS, DOUG.
JUST TRY TO LOOK THOUGHTFUL AND
LET ME DO THE REST, OKAY,
FRATMEISTER?
>> FINE.
SEE? I'M GOOD FOR SOMETHING.
>> [ SCOFFS ] OKAY, FONZIE.
HELLO?
[ GASPS ]
>> DUDE!
>> WE'RE CLOSED.
>> WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH
DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> WHO?
>> DR. MICHKA TARKOVSKY, THE
ENTOMOLOGIST.
>> OH, YOU MEAN BUG BRAINS.
HERE. HOLD THAT.
[ FLASHLIGHT THUDDING ]
THIS WAY.
>> MAN, THE ECONOMY MUST BE BAD
IF THIS OLD-ASS DUDE CAN'T
RETIRE.
>> JESUS, DOUG.
PLEASE DON'T EMBARRASS ME IN
FRONT OF DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> WHAT?
>> LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK.
>> THANKS.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> EXCUSE ME.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> [ Croatian accent ] THIS
WOULD BE ME.
AND YOU WOULD BE?
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
>> ALISON BAXTER.
I MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO MEET
WITH YOU.
>> AND YOU?
>> DOUG.
>> WELL, COME IN AND HAVE A
SEAT.
I'M JUST FINISHING UP.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING
THE TIME TO MEET WITH US.
I KNOW IT WAS SPUR OF THE
MOMENT.
>> THIS PAPER YOU ARE WORKING
ON, UH, "COLONY COLLAPSE,
CLIMATE SHIFT, OR CELLPHONES"?
>> ACTUALLY, IT'S "CLIMATE
SHIFT, CELLPHONES, AND COLONY
COLLAPSE."
>> I LIKE MINE BETTER.
>> WE CAN CHANGE IT.
>> I ASSUME YOU HAVE BASED YOUR
HYPOTHESIS ON THE PAPER THAT
KOOK IN ENGLAND WROTE, ASSERTING
HONEYBEES ARE FRIGHTENED BY THE
CELLPHONE RADIATION.
>> UH, WELL, THAT IS ONE
REFERENCE WE WERE PLANNING ON
USING.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU DON'T AGREE?
>> MAYBE THE BEES JUST NO LIKE
US.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> ALL RELATIONSHIPS FADE
FOR THE TIME.
>> OH!
SO YOU MEAN THE BEES WANT TO
DIVORCE US.
>> YES, DOUG, IN A MANNER OF
SPEAKING.
WE ARE A ZARAZA, A CONTAGION.
MAN AND INSECT HAVE REACHED
A TIPPING POINT.
YOU!
YOU KNOW HOW MANY INSECT YOU
HAVE EATEN IN YOUR LIFE?
>> UH...NONE, I HOPE.
>> MILLIONS!
AND THEY DID YOU NO HARM.
THIS IS AN ILLUSORY PERVERSION.
HUMANS ARE USING BUGS AS A TOOL,
TORMENTING THEM BECAUSE OF WHAT
THEY REPRESENT -- DEATH.
I HAVE THIS INTERN, TOP OF HER
CLASS, MY DEDICATED ASSISTANT
ONE DAY.
THE NEXT -- PUFF! -- SHE'S
ENTERING IN THE WORLD OF
HIGH-FASHION MODELING.
I TOLD HER, "BEAUTY'S SISTER
IS VANITY AND ITS DAUGHTER
LUST."
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> GIVE ME A COUPLE LIKE YOU'RE
POINTING AT THE LENS.
JUST GIVE ME YOUR -- YOUR --
JUST LIKE THAT.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THE
REST OF THE WEEK?
>> I GUESS I'LL GO THROUGH THE
PICTURES ONCE I GET THEM.
>> MM.
>> IF YOU COULD, UH, HURRY THE
FUCK UP IN THERE.
UH, YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY SHOOT
TODAY.
>> OKAY, WE'RE ALMOST DONE,
PETRO.
SORRY.
>> I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT,
AND I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT, SO
JUST ROLL WITH IT, OKAY?
>> WELL, I FEEL LIKE I DID THIS
POSE EARLIER.
>> AND IF DAWG COULD STAY OUT OF
THE BACK 'CAUSE IF I GET A GOOD
SHOT AND YOU'RE BACK THERE, IT'S
GONNA SUCK.
IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ON A FUCKING
ICE-SKATING RINK.
>> SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
MODELING FOR?
>> WELL, ABOUT LIKE 12 YEARS.
>> 12 YEARS? OH, MY GOSH.
SO YOU STARTED WHEN I WAS 8.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> DAWG, YOU'RE IN THE SHOT.
>> AM I GONNA GET FIRED?
>> FROM WHAT I SAW, YOUR PICS
LOOK REALLY AMAZING.
>> THANKS.
>> AND YOUR LEGS IN THAT ONE
DRESS LOOK CRAZY.
>> I HOPE I CAN USE THE SHOTS.
>> PETRO -- HE NEVER TAKES A BAD
SHOT.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> OH, WHAT -- WHAT WAS THAT?
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, OKAY?
>> HEY, UH, DO YOU THINK, WHEN
YOU GET THE PICS, THAT YOU CAN
E-MAIL ME SOME SO I COULD USE
THEM FOR MY PORTFOLIO?
>> SURE.
>> AWW, THANKS.
>> ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT I OWE
YOU.
THANKS FOR MAKING ME BEAUTIFUL.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
I DID MY THING, BUT REALLY HIS
AIRBRUSHING IS OFF THE CHARTS.
HE'S, UH, GREAT AT ELIMINATING
ALL THOSE IMPERFECTIONS.
BYE.
I HOPE TO WORK WITH YOU AGAIN.
>> OKAY, I BURNED A CD FOR YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY OF MY
SHIT ON YOUR SITE UNTIL I GO
THROUGH THEM.
>> I UNDERSTAND.
I'M SURPRISED, THOUGH.
THERE'S SOME, UH -- SOME GOOD
SHOTS HERE.
>> WELL, I GUESS I'M FULL OF
SURPRISES.
>> MAYBE I'LL BE PAYING YOU.
>> WHY NOT START TODAY?
>> MM, I DON'T THINK SO.
THANK YOU.
UH...YOU NEED TO TAN MORE.
>> THANKS FOR THE TIP.
>> AND MAYBE LOSE A FEW POUNDS.
>> RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW, I DO
APPRECIATE YOU DOING THE SHOOT.
I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM.
SO, I GUESS I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
THESE, COMPARE NOTES?
>> MM, NO.
>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANKS. BYE.
>> SEE YOU.
>> THE CUSTOMER YOU'RE TRYING TO
REACH IS NOT AVAILABLE.
>> FUCK!
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
THANKS FOR NOTHING!
RICK?
RICKY?
ALL RIGHT, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE,
DUDE.
[ Chuckling ] OH, MY GOD.
WHY DID HE EVEN MAKE ME DO THAT?
OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I
PAID $2,500 TO THIS FUCKING
ASSHOLE.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE YOUR
HANDS LOOK FAT?
MMM.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE
IS GARBAGE!
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ Voice breaking ] NO, THIS IS
NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.
NO, NO, NO!
[ GROANS ]
[ GAGGING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ SIGHS ] HEY.
>> HEY, SWEETIE.
>> OH, THANK YOU FOR MAKING
RESERVATIONS TONIGHT.
I COMPLETELY SPACED.
>> NO PROBLEM.
OH, WHAT'S THAT?
QUIFANGONDO, LUANDA, ANGOLA,
AFRICA?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> [ African accent ] WHO DO YOU
KNOW IN AFRICA?
>> IT'S MY, UH, SKIN CREAM.
>> [ Normal voice ] MM, THE
FAMOUS QUIFANGONDO SKIN CREAM.
>> YEAH.
MY, UH, MAKEUP ARTIST -- SHE GOT
ME INTO IT.
IT'S LIKE SPECIAL MINERALS OR
SOMETHING FROM THE SEASIDE
THERE.
>> HOW ABOUT WE BOOK SOME CHEAP
FLIGHTS, GO OVER, AND YOU CAN
BURY YOURSELF IN THE MUD?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> WHAT?
AH.
>> SO, WHAT LOOKS GOOD?
>> THE TANDOORI.
>> AS USUAL.
>> YEAH.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> HOW ARE YOU TWO TONIGHT?
>> WE'RE CELEBRATING DENVER'S
PHOTO SHOOT.
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
>> I WILL HAVE THE TANDOORI
PLATTER WITH A SIDE OF MIXED
PICKLE, AND COULD YOU PLEASE
BRING THE, UH --
>> SOME MINT CHUTNEY FOR YOUR
NAAN?
YES, MA'AM.
>> I'LL HAVE THE LAMB AND
SPINACH SAAG PANEER.
>> NO.
>> YEAH, I'M TRYING SOMETHING
NEW.
>> ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
REGRET IT.
>> IT'S VERY GOOD, SIR.
>> THANK YOU.
>> [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.
WELL, DO NOT EAT THAT MINT
CHUTNEY BEFORE I GET BACK.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ LOCK ENGAGES ]
>> "GENETICALLY MODIFIED AND
STERILIZED TAPEWORMS FOUND IN
FISH.
YOU INGEST THEM OFTEN FROM
SUSHI, AND YOUR BODY CAN EASILY
DISPOSE OF THEM.
YOU WILL NOT FEEL THEM.
YOU WILL KNOW THE WORM IS ALIVE
AND EFFECTIVE WHEN YOU BEGIN TO
LOSE ONE OR MORE POUNDS PER
DAY."
YEAH, I BETTER.
"TAKE YOUR SECOND PILL SEVEN
DAYS AFTER BEGINNING WEIGHT LOSS
AND AFTER YOU PASS A DEAD WORM."
OKAY.
[ SIGHS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING ]
AH, THIS LOOKS AMAZING.
>> NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
>> I TOLD YOU.
THANKS.
>> SHARE?
>> MNH-MNH.
I WILL HURT YOU.
YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE
BUTTERED CHICKEN.
>> AND YOU'RE NOT HAVING
DESSERT.
>> MOM!
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT
WANTING DESSERT WHEN YOU ORDERED
THAT SODA INSTEAD OF WATER.
>> COME ON.
>> NO DOUBLE SUGARS.
IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT.
>> DENVER, GET IN HERE.
>> YEAH, DAD?
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD TWO SLICES
OF HAM ON YOUR SANDWICH TODAY.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
ONE IS PLENTY.
>> I HAD MUSTARD INSTEAD OF MAYO
SO I COULD SAVE THE CALORIES AND
HAVE AN EXTRA SLICE OF SANDWICH
MEAT.
>> WELL, YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IF
THAT WAS A SMART TRADE-OUT WHEN
YOU RUN AN EXTRA TWO MILES TO
BURN THOSE CALORIES OFF.
>> I ALREADY RAN FIVE MILES, AND
I HAVE TO FINISH MY HOMEWORK FOR
SCIENCE CLASS.
>> DENVER...
WHO CARES IF A GIRL IS SMART?
NO ONE WANTS TO MARRY A FAT
SLOB.
THIS IS YOUR OWN FAULT, DENVER.
THIS IS YOUR OWN FAULT, DENVER.
>> YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
[ SIGHS ] I CAN'T EAT THIS.
HERE.
>> THANK GOD.
THIS IS NOT LAMB.
IT'S WEIRD, SPONGY CHEESE BALLS.
IT TASTES LIKE IT'S ALREADY BEEN
EATEN.
HMM.
MMM. [ CHUCKLES ]
>> AHH, THESE WOULD LOOK GREAT
WITH THIS, HMM?
>> YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
>> [ SIGHS ]
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE 2s.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> SIZE 2.
UH...MY LITTLE GUY IS DOING JUST
GREAT.
5 POUNDS THIS WEEK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> MUST BE NICE.
LOOKS LIKE MY BAD LUCK EXTENDS
TO AFRICA.
>> WAIT. YOU GOT YOURS?
[ LAUGHS ]
>> YEAH, LAST WEEK, AND
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
UGH.
I THINK MY TAPEWORMS MIGHT BE
LAZY.
>> DID YOU READ THE DIRECTIONS?
>> YES, AND EVERY SINGLE
MORNING, I'M EXACTLY THE SAME
WEIGHT.
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
>> DID YOU FAST?
>> WHAT?
>> SIX HOURS, NO FOOD, NO WATER.
>> WAIT. FASTING?
[ SIGHS ]
UGH.
THANK YOU.
>> NO PROBLEM, BABE.
[ UNZIPPING ]
SO, DID YOU GET THE ONES FROM,
UH, QUIFANGONDO, THE ONE WITH
THE BLUE WEBSITE?
>> YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T SEE THE
PART ABOUT FASTING.
>> NO WONDER.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LET THE
CAPSULE HAVE TIME TO DISSOLVE SO
THE LITTLE GUY CAN GET SITUATED.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TRY IT AGAIN AND HOPE THAT IT
WORKS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OH, GOD.
OUR MOMS WERE SUCH COWS.
[ SCOFFS ]
MY MOM USED TO BRAG THAT SHE WAS
BUILT LIKE A BRICK SHITHOUSE.
SHE WAS A SIZE 6.
I'D DIE.
>> WOW, YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH.
>> MM. BUT YOU LOVE ME.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
SIX HOURS.
>> SIX HOURS, YOUNG LADY.
>> I DON'T WANT TO.
>> EITHER YOU DRINK THIS, OR YOU
RIDE YOUR BIKE SIX HOURS --
OR 30 MILES.
>> YOU WANT ME TO END UP IN
VERMONT?!
SOMETIMES IN LIFE, YOU GOT TO DO
THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO BITE
THE HEAD OFF THE CHICKEN AND
DRINK HIS BLOOD.
>> WHAT?
>> THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S ALL
HYGIENIC.
EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD IS DOING
IT.
>> I'M NOT DRINKING BLOOD OR
PISS!
>> NOW, DENVER, IT'S MEDICINE.
THE STUFF IN PREGNANT LADIES'
PEE-PEE HAS ALL KINDS OF THINGS
IN IT THAT HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
>> YEAH, IT'LL HELP.
I'LL JUST THROW UP.
>> THIS IS SO YOU CAN GROW UP
AND SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU AND
MARRY YOU, SO YOU CAN BE POPULAR
AT SCHOOL.
DON'T YOU WANT THAT?
>> FINE.
>> SOMETIMES IN LIFE, YOU GOT TO
DO THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO BITE
THE HEAD OFF THE CHICKEN AND
DRINK ITS BLOOD.
>> BEST 25-CENT WINGS EVER.
>> WHICH ONE WAS YOUR FAVE?
>> SICHUAN GARLIC.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ GROANS ]
>> IS YOUR LITTLE GUY OKAY?
>> UGH.
MAN, I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING,
LIKE, WICKED BOUTS OF NAUSEA.
HAVE YOU?
>> NAH, MY LITTLE MONEY-MAKER IS
FEELING JUST FINE.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> EW.
YOU ARE CREEPING ME OUT, THE WAY
YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR TAPEWORMS.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> UGH.
>> OH, LOOK, LOOK!
PSYCHIC, PSYCHIC, PSYCHIC.
CAN WE GO, PLEASE?
PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?
>> NO, I AM NOT SPENDING MY
MONEY ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> PLEASE?
I'LL COVER IT. I PROMISE.
PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?
>> OKAY, CRAZY GIRL, YOU'RE ON.
>> WHOO! LET'S GO!
>> AS LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> [ SQUEALS ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE ]
>> [ GIGGLES ]
>> GOOD EVENING, LADIES.
YOU'RE HERE FOR A READING?
>> WOW, HE'S GOOD.
>> YEAH. YOU GO FIRST, GINGER.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> NO, NO, NO, NO
IT'S ALL YOU, BABE.
>> RIGHT THIS WAY.
>> OKAY.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> MY NAME IS GEORGE.
>> I'M DENVER.
>> I SEE AURAS.
>> OKAY.
>> I CAN COMMUNICATE WITH THOSE
THAT HAVE PASSED ON AND STILL
SURROUND YOU.
AND I READ PALMS.
A FULL READING IS $50.
>> MAYBE WE'LL JUST DO THE PALM
READING?
>> GIVE HER THE WORKS, GEORGE!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> THANKS.
>> [ EXHALES HEAVILY ]
THIS IS TROUBLING.
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT A VERY GOOD
START.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES
FROM YOUR PAST.
>> YEAH.
[ Chuckling ] EVERYBODY DOES.
>> LOOK, I KNOW YOU THOUGHT THIS
WOULD BE AN AMUSING, TO HAVE
YOUR FORTUNE TOLD AFTER WHAT
SMELLS LIKE A FEW DRINKS.
BUT I THINK WE BOTH KNOW YOU
HAVE BLOCKAGES, ISSUES THAT
FOLLOW YOU FROM YOUR PAST.
>> OKAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT
HOLDS ON TO THESE FEELINGS.
YOUR FATHER IS RINSED OF ALL
EARTHLY CONCERNS.
HE'S AT PLAY IN THE GARDEN WITH
THE OTHER LOVED ONES.
AND ALL THAT REMAINS IS HIS LOVE
FOR YOU.
>> LOVE FOR ME?
NO, HE NEVER -- HE NEVER LOVED
ME.
AFTER ALL, I --
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU CRYING?
>> WHEN REALIZATION STRIKES THE
HEART, TEARS ARE THE SOUL'S
RELEASE.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY, WELL, UM,
LET'S HURRY THIS UP BECAUSE I'M
PRETTY SURE I'VE GOT SOME HARD,
HOT DICK IN MY FUTURE, AND I'M
NOT READY TO WAIT, SO...
SEE YOU LATER.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]
>> YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
>> YES.
>> YOU SHOULD SHARE THESE THINGS
WITH HIM.
IT WILL HELP YOU HEAL.
>> NO.
I CAN'T. [ SCOFFS ]
>> YOU HAVE A VISITOR GROWING
INSIDE YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW THE
GENDER?
>> WAIT. WHAT?
IT'S A TAPEWORM.
>> IT'S A BABY.
>> NO, IT'S A TAPEWORM.
I EAT THEM TO STAY THIN.
>> YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
>> NO. FUCK, NO.
NO WAY.
THERE IS NO WAY I'M PREGNANT.
IT'S A TAPEWORM.
I CANNOT EVEN DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
GINGER, I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT
NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE GOOD.
BUT THAT IS NOT FUCKING
POSSIBLE.
I HAVE TO GO.
...THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
THESE ISSUES, UNRESOLVED,
CAN GROW INTO A MONSTER.
>> HI, BABY.
>> HEY.
>> GET MY VITAMINS?
>> WAIT.
>> I-I-I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T
GET PREGNANT.
THIS IS AMAZING.
BABY, GO, GO. GET TO IT!
UH, NO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
[ CHAIR THUDS ]
WELL? WELL? COME ON!
MAKE SURE YOU PEE ALL OVER IT.
GET A LOT OF PEE ON THERE.
[ URINATING ]
WELL?
>> SO, WHAT IF I REALLY WAS
PREGNANT?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GONNA PLAY GAMES?
COME ON.
>> YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE THE
MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
BABY?
I LOVE YOU.
YOU'LL LOOSE THE BABY FAT FAST.
>> FUCK YOU.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, BABY, I-I-I
DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING...
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
WHETHER YOU'RE PREGNANT OR NOT,
WE'LL DEAL WITH IT BABY.
WE'LL DEAL.
>> REALLY?
>> YES.
COME ON.
>> POSITIVE?
>> OH...I LOVE YOU.
OH! I'M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU. [ SMOOCHES ]
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT BABY
MAMA -- UH, AND WIFE.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> DO YOU THINK I'LL BE A GOOD
MOMMY, MR. FLUFFYKINS?
[ Deep voice ] YES, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD GIRL.
[ Normal voice ] WHY THANK YOU,
MR. FLUFFYKINS.
[ SMOOCHES ]
HAVE SOME TEA.
AND ALL OF YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY
COOKIES AS YOU WANT.
[ RUMBLING ]
>> DENVER!
>> DADDY! DADDY!
>> DENVER, HONEY...
[GASPS] YOU HAVE TO RUN.
>> I CAN'T. IT'S TOO FAR.
>> DADDY NEEDS HELP, BABY.
ALL THOSE MILES ON THE TREADMILL
AND THE BIKE -- THEY'RE ALL
GONNA PAY OFF NOW.
YOU'RE GONNA SAVE DADDY.
NOW GO.
GET!
YOU'RE GONNA SAVE DADDY.
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
>> MORNING SICKNESS?
>> NO.
CAN YOU GET ME THE PEPTO?
UGH.
PLEASE HURRY.
[ GROANS ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> WHAT IS THIS?
>> THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NONE OF MY
BUSINESS?
GOD DAMN IT DENVER, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO YOURSELF?
>> IT'S EMBARRASSING, OKAY?
>> WHAT?!
>> I HAD A TAPEWORM, AND THE
DOCTORS GAVE ME THOSE PILLS TO
FLUSH IT OUT.
>> A TAPEWORM?
>> YEAH.
IT'S NOT GONNA AFFECT THE BABY,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT.
>> HOW DID YOU GET A TAPEWORM?
>> I JUST...
[ GROANS ]
OW! GET ME TO THE BATHROOM!
[ GASPING, GROANING ]
>> I'M GONNA CALL 911.
>> [ GROANS ]
[ CRYING ]
[ GROANING ]
>> YEAH, I-I-I-I-I NEED SOMEBODY
OVER HERE AT 245 PARK AVENUE.
UH, MY GIRL IS HAVING A --
>> [ SCREAMING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
GET IT OUT OF ME.
[ GROANING ]
HELP ME!
[ GROANING, SCREAMING ]
>> GET AWAY FROM MY BABY,
YOU DEMON MOTHERFUCKER!
>> [ SCREAMS ]
[ BOTTLE THUDDING ]
[ BABY CRYING ]
YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE MY DENVER
BACK.
OH, YEAH.
OH, OF COURSE, SHE'S FINE, TOO.
SHE'S SO ADORABLE.
SHE JUST NEEDED A LONG REST,
SHE'S GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING YOU GUYS.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
>> GUCCI, GUCCI.
JIMMY CHOO.
[ BABY CRYING ]
>> OH.
OH.
I GUESS SOMEONE'S DONE SHOPPING.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I THINK SHE WANTS MAMA.
MM. AH.
[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
[ BABY COOING ]
>> THAT IS A HORRIBLE STORY.
>> WHAT'S SO HORRIBLE ABOUT IT?
THE WORM WAS ONLY DOING ITS JOB.
IT'S EVEN BIBLICAL, WHERE THE
WORM DIETH NOT.
>> [ Chuckling ] DEEP.
>> THANK YOU, DOUG.
BUT, DR. TARKOVSKY, WE'RE REALLY
GETTING OFF POINT HERE.
>> THERE ARE ONE MILLION ANTS
PER PERSON ON THE PLANET.
IN EVERY TEN SQUARE FEET OF
RAINFOREST, YOU CAN FIND MORE
INSECTS THAN PEOPLE IN
MANHATTAN.
MOSQUITOS HAVE KILLED MORE
HUMANS THAN EVERY WAR COMBINED.
DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN LIVE
OUT OF HARMONY WITH CREATURES
THAT POWERFUL?
>> DUDE, IS IT TRUE YOU CAN
SWALLOW A POUND OF SPIDERS IN
YOUR LIFE AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT?
>> NORMALLY, THAT WOULD BE A
GOOD QUESTION, DOUGLAS.
>> I'M SORRY DR. TARKOVSKY.
I DON'T THINK HE KNEW WHAT
ENTOMOLOGY MEANT WHEN HE SIGNED
UP FOR THIS CLASS.
>> CAN YOU FEEL THEM NOW, DOUG,
CREEPING...
CRAWLING...
WALLOWING IN YOUR WASTE...
FEASTING ON YOUR FLESH...
MATING IN YOUR MUSK?
FLIES HAVE TASTE BUDS ON THEIR
FEET, SO WHEN THEY LAND ON YOU,
THEY TASTE YOU.
HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP AND
THOUGHT THERE IS SOMETHING
SLITHERING AROUND ON YOU?
DOUG? Shh.
THERE WAS.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> HEY.
>> WHAT YOU DOING?
>> OH, PACKING.
>> I THOUGHT YOU HAD TILL THE
END OF NEXT MONTH.
>> NO, E's STUFF.
HER MOM WANTS TO PICK IT UP IN
THE MORNING.
>> WELL, THERE GOES MY HIGH.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO
HOME AND CHANGE, SO I BOUGHT A
NEW OUTFIT, AND NOW I'M JUST
HANGING AROUND WITH NOTHING TO
DO.
>> GUESS WHAT I FOUND?
>> WHAT?
>> E's UBER SEXY DRESS THAT SHE
WORE ON HER DATE WITH
RYAN HAYKAL.
>> HEY, IS HER STUFF FAIR GAME?
I'M COMING OVER.
>> NO! JESUS!
HER MOM WANTS TO PICK UP BOXES
OF HER CLOTHES TOMORROW, NOT A
ZIPLOCK, BAG.
>> HEY, YOU WANT TO MEET AT
SUSHI X IN LIKE 30?
>> NO, I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
>> I GOT YOU COVERED.
COME ON, AND WEAR E's DRESS.
>> WH-- [ CHUCKLES ]
THE DRE-- YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE
DRESS LOOKS LIKE?
>> OF COURSE I REMEMBER E's
DRESS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> OH, COME ON.
YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT.
I NEED TO SEE IT.
>> ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
SEE YOU IN A FEW.
>> SHIT.
[ CHAIR CREAKS ]
$2,500?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
TA-DA!
>> GOD, YOU LOOK AWESOME!
I MEAN, IT WOULD LOOK BETTER ON
ME, BUT -- WOW.
>> IT'S A BIT MUCH.
>> IT HAD TO BE.
RYAN HAYKAL WASN'T EASY TO GET.
>> YOU KNOW, I WONDER IF SHE HAD
IT WASHED AFTER OR IF SHE KEPT
IT LIKE MONICA LEWINSKY, ALL
SEXIFIED.
>> [ Chuckling ] GROSS.
WHO WOULD DO THAT?
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
>> I'LL JUST HAVE WHAT SHE'S
HAVING.
>> GREAT.
>> AND KEEP THE BAY BREEZES
COMING.
SO, UM, HOW'S PACKING GOING?
>> FINE.
DEPRESSING.
IT'S REALLY QUIET.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE
THAT PROBLEM MUCH LONGER.
DID YOU POST FOR A ROOMMATE, OR
ARE YOU JUST MOVING IN TO A
SMALLER PLACE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I-I REALLY LOVE THE LOCATION,
AND I LIKE THE PARKING AND THE
SHOPPING, BUT, UGH, THINKING
ABOUT TRYING TO GET TO KNOW
SOMEBODY AND ALL THEIR QUIRKS
SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
YOU COULD BROADEN YOUR CIRCLE.
YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT A GUY?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
I DON'T WANT TO BROADEN MY
CIRCLE.
THERE ISN'T A CIRCLE ANYMORE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A CIRCLE WITH TWO
PEOPLE!
>> SORRY.
[ BOTH SCOFF ]
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE GETTING HIT
THE HARDEST.
I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU GET BACK
ON TRACK.
>> OH!
SPEAKING OF EASY MONEY, LOOK
WHAT I FOUND THIS IN E's STUFF.
>> OH, YEAH, I TURNED E ONTO
THIS.
I AM BOOKED SOLID, BUT IT'S TWO
WEEKS, EASY MONEY.
HE'S LIKE COMATOSE.
>> SO, YOU CAN'T DO IT?
>> NO.
TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT REGISTERED
YET.
>> YEAH. BRING THAT UP.
GOD, YOU EVER QUIT?
[ SNIFFS ]
[ PARKING BRAKE CLICKS ]
HI.
I'M HERE FOR MY INTERVIEW WITH
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
>> COME RIGHT IN.
>> MRS. FAIRCHILD, ANOTHER NURSE
TO SEE YOU.
>> AH, ELIZABETH GRACE McNEIL.
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO
THIS INTERVIEW.
THE OTHERS HAVE BEEN SO DIRE,
AND YOU COME SO HIGHLY
RECOMMENDED.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] THANK YOU.
BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME "E."
>> OH, WELL, EVERYONE CALLS ME
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
COME. SIT.
COULD I GET YOU SOMETHING,
LIBATION, A DRINK?
>> OH, NO, THANK YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOUR HOME IS LOVELY.
OH, I MADE COPIES OF ALL MY
CREDENTIALS AND MY RéSUMé.
>> OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
I'VE ALREADY BEEN IN CONTACT
WITH YOUR REFERENCES.
DR. HENDRICKSON WAS SORRY TO
HEAR YOU WERE LOOKING TO LEAVE
HIS HOSPITAL.
>> WELL, IT JUST SEEMED LIKE,
WITH THE STAFF CHANGE-UPS, TOO
MANY POLITICS WERE GETTING IN
THE WAY OF CARING FOR MY
PATIENTS.
>> WELL, THERE ARE NO POLITICS
HERE.
SO, IF I MAY REITERATE PART OF
OUR EARLIER CONVERSATION, MY
SITUATION IS THIS.
EVERY YEAR, I GO AWAY FOR TWO
WEEKS TO A J.R. TOLKIEN
CONVENTION IN ENGLAND.
NOW, THIS IS THE ONE PERSONAL
INDULGENCE I ALLOW MYSELF.
THE REST OF THE YEAR I DEDICATE
MYSELF, MY LIFE, TO THE CARE OF
TIMOTHY, MY SON.
SO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
JUST AS COMPETENT, AND IT'S NOT
BEEN EASY.
>> I UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT EASY TRUSTING SOMEONE
WITH YOUR CHILD.
>> HE'S A YOUNG MAN NOW.
WHEN HE WAS 15, HE AND SOME
FRIENDS WERE SWIMMING.
TIMOTHY CLIMBED UP THE ROPE
SWING AND DOVE IN.
THE WATER WAS LOW THAT SUMMER,
AND HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE
BEDROCK.
IT COMPRESSED HIS SPINE.
THE OTHER CHILDREN, NOT KNOWING
WHAT TO DO, DRAGGED HIM ONTO THE
BEACH AND GOT HIM BREATHING.
HE CAN'T MOVE.
HIS BRAIN ONLY SUSTAINS HIS
LIFE.
THAT'S ALL.
>> I'M SORRY.
I'VE DEALT WITH NON-FATAL HEAD
TRAUMA BEFORE, AND IT CAN BE
DEVASTATING.
>> MM.
IF I MAY BE FRANK, MS. McNEIL,
BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE AND
YOUR REFERENCES, THIS MEETING
HAS BEEN MERELY A FORMALITY.
I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO STAY
WITH TIMOTHY WHILE I'M AWAY.
>> REALLY?
>> YES, REALLY.
>> YES! THANK YOU!
>> [ Chuckling ] ALL RIGHT THEN.
I'LL TAKE YOU UP, SHOW YOU THE
LOG AND MY ROUTINE, OF COURSE,
INTRODUCE YOU TO TIMOTHY.
OH, MY PLANE LEAVES ON THE
13th -- EARLY.
SO IF YOU COULD BE HERE ON THE
AFTERNOON OF THE 12th, I'D BE
HAPPY TO PAY YOU EXTRA FOR YOUR
TIME, AND I WOULD BE HERE,
SHOULD ANY QUESTIONS ARISE.
>> OKAY. SOUNDS GOOD.
>> ALL RIGHT, THEN.
COME ALONG.
TIMOTHY.
DARLING [SMOOCHES] THIS IS
MISS ELIZABETH.
SHE'S GOING TO BE STAYING WITH
YOU WHILE MOMMY'S IN ENGLAND.
>> HI, TIMOTHY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HE LOOKS SO HEALTHY, NOT SICK
AT ALL.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
WELL, HE'S NOT SICK.
HE'S SIMPLY BEHIND GLASS.
AREN'T YOU, DARLING?
NOW, HERE IS A LOG I KEEP OF
EVERYTHING I DO FOR MY LITTLE
TIMOTHY.
I TRY TO KEEP THIS BEDROOM AS
NORMAL AS POSSIBLE.
HOWEVER, HE DOES HAVE A SPECIAL
MATTRESS.
IT INFLATES AND DEFLATES TO
PREVENT PRESSURE POINTS AND BED
SORES.
HE STILL MUST BE TURNED EVERY
HOUR, BEFORE BEDTIME, AND AFTER
HIS MASSAGE.
I USUALLY DO IT EVERY THREE SO I
CAN SLEEP BETTER.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> NOW, I WILL CHANGE HIS
CATHETER BEFORE I GO.
BUT WHEN YOU TURN HIM, GIVE HIM
120 CCs OF WATER AND SWAB HIS
MOUTH.
I THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR
THE SKIN.
>> I HOPE I CAN DO AS WELL AS
YOU.
>> I EXPECT, DEAR, THAT YOU
COULD DO BETTER.
>> OH, YES, OF COURSE.
>> OKAY, NOW, YOU'LL BE STAYING
IN THE ROOM DOWN THE HALL, WHICH
I WILL HAVE SET UP TO
ACCOMMODATE YOU ON THE 12th.
ALL RIGHT?
BYE, DARLING.
I'LL SEE YOU OUT.
>> BYE, TIMOTHY.
I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
>> [ MOANS ]
DON'T STOP NOW.
YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB
WITH MY LITTLE TIMMY.
[ GASPS ]
DON'T FORGET THE SKIN
PROTECTANT.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> MY MONEY'S ON YOU, KID.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> OH, LITTLE TIMMY'S NOT SO
LITTLE ANYMORE!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ MOANS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
[ GASPS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
>> AND THIS WILL BE YOUR ROOM.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> MRS. FAIRCHILD IS OUT.
SHE SAID SHE'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING, UNLESS YOU NEED HER.
>> I'LL BE FINE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> TILDA.
>> I'M DOR-- UH, I'M DOING THE
BEST I CAN.
I MEAN, I-I'LL DO THE BEST
I CAN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ UNZIPPING ]
[ SUITCASE THUDS ]
[ BEEPING ]
HEY, TIM.
IT'S ME...
DORI.
[ LAUGHS ]
NOT ON THE FIRST DAY, MISTER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY.
[ GRUNTS ] OKAY.
OH, GEEZ, GEEZ.
OKAY.
[ GRUNTING ]
THIS HERE.
SHIT! SORRY!
OH, CRAP. OKAY.
SORRY.
OKAY.
HI.
I JUST -- I NEED TO JUST DO
THIS.
OKAY.
OKAY.
UH...
OKAY.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OKAY, SEE YOU IN ABOUT, UH,
50 MINUTES.
MM.
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SNIFFS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
>> AND MOMMY WILL BRING YOU SO
MANY LOVELY THINGS FROM LONDON.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ] MORNING.
>> MORNING.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS ONE OF THE
MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I DO,
SAYING GOODBYE TO MY TIMMY.
[ SNIFFS ]
BUT MOMMY HAS TO GO.
[ SMOOCHES ]
>> DON'T WORRY, MRS. FAIRCHILD.
WE HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY.
I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
>> WELL, MS. McNEIL, DON'T YOU
HESITATE TO CALL ME IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING.
MY LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS.
>> OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]
HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
>> BYE-BYE.
BYE, DARLING.
[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]
>> LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST THE TWO
OF US.
[ SNIFFS ]
WHAT THE FUCK?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
FLEAS!
[ SHIVERING ]
UGH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
CAN I SLEEP IN HERE TONIGHT?
OKAY.
GEEZ. THIS IS AN AWESOME BED.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ]
DID YOU JUST LOOK AT ME?
TIM?
TIM?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ GASPS ] UGH.
[ SPOON CLATTERS ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ MUG THUDS ]
>> MORNING, MISS.
>> MORNING.
HEY, I-I THINK MY BEDROOM HAS
FLEAS.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> MY BED -- IT'S INFESTED WITH
FLEAS.
>> IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT.
HOW WOULD YOU GET SUCH AN IDEA?
>> LOOK!
>> LOOKS LIKE A RASH.
YOU MUST BE ALLERGIC TO THE
DETERGENT.
I'LL RE-WASH YOUR SHEETS.
>> DO YOU HAVE SOME BUG SPRAY?
ALL I FOUND LAST NIGHT WAS OFF
REPELLENT.
>> I DOUBT IT.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
MAYBE YOU COULD GO GET SOME.
THEY'RE IN HERE, TOO, YOU KNOW.
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN BOTHERED.
[ HAND SLAMS ]
>> I GUESS THEY JUST LIKE ME.
I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF
THIS, OKAY?
GO NOW AND GET SOME SPRAY!
WAIT. SORRY, TILDA.
IT'S JUST...
IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
[ SIGHS ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT A LUCKY GUY. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GET DOTED ON ALL DAY.
I JUST RUB YOU AND TOUCH YOU
ALL THE TIME.
YOU CAN'T TELL I HAVE NO
EXPERIENCE, CAN YOU, TIM?
[ LAUGHS ]
I WISH YOU WOULD LOOK AT ME,
TIM.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU'RE SO NICE.
DAMN IT! THAT'S IT!
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
TAKE THAT!
[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]
[ CAN THUDS ]
I'LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT,
TIM.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
UGH! UGH! THIS IS BULLSHIT!
DIE! FUCKING DIE!
[ SCREAMS ] FUCK!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY ]
UGH!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ WATER RUNNING ]
WHOA!
[ Crying ] GOD!
GET OFF OF ME!
UGH!
UGH!
DIE!
UGH! SO GROSS!
UGH! AAH!
[ WHIMPERING ]
FUCK!
SO DISGUSTING.
[ WHIMPERING ]
I FEEL SAFER WITH YOU, TIM.
WILL YOU PROTECT ME?
THE ALARM.
>> [ Weakly ] SAVE...ME.
>> OH, MY G-- TIM, YOU TALKED!
>> DORI.
>> TIM, I'M HERE!
I'LL CALL THE DOCTOR!
>> HELP.
>> HELP YOU? HOW?
[ GASPING ]
>> SAVE...ME.
>> WAIT. TIM?
TIM?
GOD, IT'S A MIRACLE!
NO, WAIT! TIM, COME BACK!
TIM?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
THAT'S RIGHT. REST.
I'LL SAVE YOU.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ MID-TEMPO POP MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
[ LINE RINGING ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> HEY, BITCH.
>> LISA, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
>> UH, SURE. COME ON OVER.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE ADDRESS.
>> NO, I CAN'T.
I'M...
I'M AT WORK.
>> YOU CHANGE SHIFTS?
>> "LEES," I'M SERIOUS!
>> HOLD YOUR HORSES.
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OKAY. WHAT'S UP.
>> I HAVE THIS, UH, COUSIN, AND
HE'S INJURED -- HIS SPINAL CORD.
HE CAN'T MOVE OR TALK.
>> OH, GOD, DORI, I'M SORRY.
>> NO, I -- [ CHUCKLES ]
DON'T BE SORRY.
UM, I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW
THEY COME OUT OF IT?
>> DORI...THEY DON'T.
I MEAN, AT FIRST THERE'S A
REMOTE POSSIBILITY, BUT IT'S
PRACTICALLY UNHEARD OF AFTER A
FEW WEEKS.
HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN LIKE THIS?
>> PRACTICALLY, BUT I-IT COULD
HAPPEN?
>> ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN, I
GUESS.
>> HOW COULD YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN?
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE ASKING ME?
>> HOW DO YOU BRING SOMEONE
BACK?
>> DORI, ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE
THEM FEEL COMFORTABLE.
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY IN CONTROL OF
HEALING SOMEONE.
>> COULD EMOTIONS, LIKE FALLING
IN LOVE, DO IT?
>> WHAT?
DORI, I GOT TO GO.
SORRY ABOUT YOUR COUSIN.
>> LEES, IT'S HAPPENING!
[ GASPS ] TIM!
>> I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY
SPECIAL SOMEONE.
I KNEW YOU'D COME AND CHANGE
MY LIFE.
I WAS BEHIND GLASS, AND NOW I'M
FREE, MY DARLING.
>> BUT HOW?
HOW DID I BREAK YOU FREE?
>> Shh!
I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOU.
>> [ MOANING ]
THIS IS LIKE A DREAM.
>> IT CAN ALWAYS BE THIS WAY IF
YOU SAVE ME.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> I WANT TO. HOW?
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> I WANT TO HAVE YOU.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
OH, YOU SMELL SO GOOD.
I WANT TO HAVE IT.
>> YES. TAKE IT.
TAKE IT!
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ MOANS ]
>> YOU SMELL LIKE...
>> WHAT?
>> LIKE BUG SPRAY.
>> [ GASPING ]
YOU'RE SO SMART.
[ CLATTERING ]
GOD, TILDA, YOU SCARED ME!
>> MORNING, MISS.
MORNING, MR. FAIRCHILD.
>> TILDA, I HAVE A ERRAND I HAVE
TO RUN.
>> I CAN GO DO IT FOR YOU WHEN I
GO THE SHOPPING.
>> UH, NO, IT'S A PRESCRIPTION.
I-I HAVE TO PICK IT UP MYSELF.
IT'LL ONLY BE ABOUT 30 MINUTES.
I'LL BE BACK BEFORE THE HOUR.
>> WELL, DO YOU THINK THAT'S
WISE?
>> IT'S FINE.
BESIDES, IT'S NOT AN OPTION.
BYE, TIM.
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
I'M BACK!
>> OH, GOOD.
>> HEY, I JUST SPOKE WITH
MRS. FAIRCHILD, AND SHE SAID YOU
COULD HAVE THE REST OF THE
AFTERNOON OFF.
>> WELL, I JUST TALKED TO
MRS. FAIRCHILD.
SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
IT.
>> I KNOW.
UH, SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU.
SHE FORGOT.
>> WELL, I'LL JUST MAKE YOU SOME
LUNCH, AND I'LL BE OFF.
>> I GRABBED A BURGER WHILE I
WAS OUT.
I WAS REALLY CRAVING ONE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> WELL, I GUESS YOU WON'T BE
NEEDING ME THEN.
BYE, MISS.
>> I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK
ON YOUR MOTHER'S FACE.
SHE'S GONNA BE SO SHOCKED.
WELL, SHOCKED ISN'T REALLY THE
RIGHT WORD.
[ GASPS ] SHE'LL FAINT.
OH, YOU ARE SO LUCKY ELIZABETH
DIED AND YOU HAVE ME.
I BET SHE COULDN'T HAVE SAVED
YOU.
WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE EACH OTHER.
OH, TIM, IT'S GOING TO BE SO
WONDERFUL, JUST YOU AND ME AND
NO FLEAS!
[ SHOUTING "WHOO!" ]
[ CONTINUES SHOUTING ]
>> I KNEW YOU WOULD SAVE ME.
>> I LOVE YOU, TIM.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO, DORI.
>> HELLO?
I'M HOME!
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> TIMMY?
TIMMY?
TIMMY?!
[ Crying ] NOOOOOOOO!
NOOOOO!
[ INHALING SHARPLY ]
NO! NOOOO!
>> THAT STORY WAS KIND OF HOT.
>> UGH.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WOULD
EVEN STAND A CHANCE?
>> OH, HOW SWEET.
THE MATING DANCE.
>> WHAT?
DOUG IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
NOT MY TYPE.
>> OH, COULD YOU PUT ANOTHER
"REALLY" IN THERE?
>> TYPE -- INTERESTING HUMAN
NOTION.
MOON MOTHS ARE ABLE TO SMELL
PHEROMONES OF THE POTENTIAL MATE
6 MILES AWAY.
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED SOMEONE AND
FELT THE URGE...
TO TAKE THEM TO THE GROUND?
>> WHAT A ROMANTIC.
>> ROMANCE IS A LIE,
POPULARIZED TO SELL LINGERIE.
LUST DRIVES US.
ONLY WHEN WE FEAR IT DOES THE
WORM TURN ON US.
[ HUMAN SEXUAL RESPONSE'S
"WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO ME?"
PLAYS ]
>> * LATE AT NIGHT I WALK
THROUGH TOWN *
* I EYE EVERY ONE I MEET
* I WANT TO FOLLOW THEM ALL
HOME *
* BUT I JUST FOLLOW MY FEET
* INTO THE BOOKSTORE
* I SEE LINED UP
>> * "VIRGINS DIE HORNY"
>> * SITTING NEXT TO
>> * THE HITE REPORT
>> * SITTING NEXT TO
>> * "LOVE STORY"
>> AND I ASK, WHAT DOES SEX *
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
>> * SOCIETY
>> * I PUT MY FINGER TO MY
TONGUE *
>> * AH-OH
>> * I TASTE VAGINA
* I LICKED BETTY FORD'S BOOTS
>> * IT'S TRUE
>> * SHE WORE THEM ALL OVER
CHINA *
* PEOPLE SAY THAT CHINESE PEOPLE
DON'T BALL AS MUCH AS WE DO *
* CAUSE THEIR CULTURAL
REVOLUTION HAS SHOWN THERE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SEE
TO *
* SO I ASK WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
SOCIETY *
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* WHAT DOES SEX
>> * SEX
>> * MEAN TO ME?
* AND WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO
SOCIETY? *
>> ANGELA, CAN WE ORDER SOME
CAKE, PLEASE?
>> A MOMENT, PLEASE.
LOOK, DON'T TAKE ALL OF THEM
BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE WOULD LIKE
SOME ALSO.
>> NO, MA'AM, I WASN'T TRYING TO
SEX YOU.
I WAS JUST ASKING YOU YOUR
SEXUAL ORIENTATION.
O-OH, N-NO, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE
A LES--
YES, THIS IS THE SAME SURVEY WE
GIVE EVERYONE.
WELL, IF YOU WANT THE FREE
PRIZE, YOU HAVE TO FINISH THE
SURVEY.
I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PRIZE
IS.
THEY DON'T EVEN TELL US.
HELLO? HELLO? MISS VICKERS?
>> PIGS, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
[ SIGHS ]
YES, MR. TURNER, MM-HMM.
THE PRIZE SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN
SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS.
MM-HMM.
AWW, WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY, TOO.
BUH-BYE NOW!
[ RECEIVER SLAMS ]
I'M ABOUT TO GO SQUEAKY FROMME
ON THESE HUDSUCKERS.
>> HMM?
>> [ SIGHS ] NOT IN THE MOOD.
>> SO, I'M GUESSING THAT DATE
DIDN'T GO SO WELL LAST NIGHT.
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
AM I REALLY SO WEIRD THAT NO ONE
CAN LOVE ME?
I THOUGHT THAT NERDS AND GEEKS
WERE IN RIGHT NOW.
>> NERD CHIC.
THERE'S SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE
OUT THERE.
UGGOS ARE MULTIPLYING AT
ALARMING RATES.
It's like "The Hills Have Eyes."
SO, TAKE A STAB IN THE DARK, AND
DON'T TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY.
I MEAN, IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO
FIND BRUCE, AND LOOK AT ME.
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
[ INTERCOM BEEPS ]
>> HEY, BAILEY, CONFERENCE ROOM,
RAPIDO.
>> YES, SIR.
[ INTERCOM BUZZES ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE,
MR. BAILEY.
RELAX.
WE'RE FAMILY HERE.
H-HAVE A SEAT.
>> THANK YOU, MR. REYES.
>> LIKE I TOLD YOU, WE'RE
FAMILIA!
CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME.
>> OKAY, VIC, UM, BUT, UH,
I GO BY BAILEY.
I DON'T REALLY GO BY MY FIRST
NAME.
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE, FINE.
I DON'T REALLY GO BY VIC.
I DON'T TRY TO ESCAPE MY LATINO
HERITAGE, SO LET'S GO WITH
BEECTOR.
>> OKAY. VICTOR.
>> NO IT?
"BEECTOR"!
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> IT'S PRONOUNCED "BEECTOR."
YOU KNOW, THE "V" IS PRONOUNCED
LIKE A "B," AND THE "I" IS
PRONOUNCED LIKE TWO E's.
>> BEAKER, LIKE FROM THE
MUPPETS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
NO, NOT QUITE.
LET'S, UH -- LET'S STICK WITH
MR. REYES, EH?
>> O-OKAY, SIR.
UH, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO
ME ABOUT?
>> WELL THIS IS A CALL CENTER,
SO WE MONITOR THE PHONES FROM
TIME TO TIME IN ORDER TO ENSURE
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION AND TO
MAINTAIN A LEVEL OF QUALITY AND
PROFESSIONALISM.
AND THAT PROFESSIONALISM EXTENDS
INTO THE WORKPLACE.
>> SIR?
>> WELL...I CAN ACCESS THE
SPEAKERPHONES IN THE OFFICE.
SO I CAN HEAR THE AMBIENT NOISE,
YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE...
>> LIKE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN
EMPLOYEES?!
>> YEAH.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> OH, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
I USED TO BE A HUGE GEEK.
IN FACT, IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEY
USED TO CALL ME NERDY NACHO.
>> I'M SO SORRY.
PEOPLE USED TO BE SO RACIST.
>> WHAT? NO.
MY FIRST NAME IS IGNACIO, SO MY
FAMILY CALLED ME NACHO, WHICH
THEN BECAME NERDY NACHO BECAUSE,
WELL, I FIT THE BILL.
BUT PEOPLE CALL ME VICTOR NOW,
OR MR. REYES.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
>> THAT YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO WHAT
PEOPLE CALL YOU?
>> NO, BAILEY.
I SAW THAT I NEEDED TO CHANGE,
AND I DID.
NOW I DICTATE WHAT PEOPLE CALL
ME.
>> SO, YOU THINK I SHOULD CHANGE
MY NAME.
>> NO. YOUR APPROACH.
YOU DO WANT THE CHO CHO RIGHT?
>> WHAT'S A CHO CHO?
>> YOU KNOW...THE HOO-HA.
THE PEACH.
[ HANDS CLAPPING ]
THE SLAP TRAP.
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
I-I-I DON'T THINK WE'RE
CONNECTING HERE.
I DON'T LIKE THE LANGUAGE, AND
FRANKLY, SIR, YOU SHOULD BE
ASHAMED.
YOU'VE GOT WOMEN WORKING IN
THIS OFFICE.
WHAT IF THEY OVERHEARD YOU JUST
NOW?
>> SIT DOWN, MR. BAILEY.
I'M SORRY.
ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT YOU
CAN'T BE LOOKING FOR YOUR TWIN.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE JUST DON'T WORK
LIKE THAT.
THERE IS A POSITIVE, AND THEN
THERE'S A NEGATIVE.
AND WHEN THE TWO FIT TOGETHER,
YOU HAVE A COMPLETE UNIT.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> SINCE YOU'RE ON THE MILD
SIDE, YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEONE
ON THE...WILD SIDE!
YOU KNOW, VARIETY IS THE SPICE
OF LIFE, BAILEY.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT, EH?
>> UM...
[ STAMMERS ]
I-I CAN SEE THE, UH, MERIT IN
THAT, AND, UH, I'LL THINK ABOUT
IT, SIR.
>> WELL, LET ME KNOW IF YOU EVER
NEED ADVICE.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
WE'RE FAMILY.
DON'T YOU FORGET THAT.
>> OKAY.
>> I'M LOOKING AT THE FILE RIGHT
NOW.
IT CLEARLY SAYS BACK ON OCTOBER
13th, THERE WAS NO PAYMENT.
CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT
HAPPENED THERE?
>> SO [CLEARS THROAT] BAILEY HAD
ANOTHER ONE OF HIS BAD DATES
LAST NIGHT.
>> MM-HMM.
>> AND THE POLICE FOUND ANOTHER
DEAD BODY THIS MORNING.
>> HERE WE GO AGAIN.
>> [ SIGHS ]
HE'S A QUIET LONER WHO KEEPS
TO HIMSELF.
HE'S SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED, AND HE
SLEEPS IN HIS DEAD MOTHERS' BED.
I'M GONNA CALL A SPADE A SPADE.
[ Imitating Buffalo Bill ] IT
PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN.
>> LOOK, JANICE, IT'S OKAY
TO JOKE AROUND HERE, BUT
SERIOUSLY -- BAILEY?
THE GUY'S LIKE FAMILY TO US.
THEY SAY THE KILLER CHOPS THE
HEADS OFF OF HIS VICTIMS.
LOOK AT HIM.
YOU THINK THAT LITTLE GUY CAN
WIELD AN AX?
>> I CAN'T IMAGINE IT MYSELF.
BUT SHOULD YOU REALLY ENCOURAGE
HIM TO SEEK OUT POTENTIAL
VICTIMS?
[ SIGHS ]
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OKAY?
>> TOMORROW NIGHT...
>> THANKS, BOSS.
>> ...AT SUSHI...
>> ALL RIGHT, BAILEY, LET'S GO.
I'M GONNA LOCK UP.
>> ...X.
[ CHUCKLES ]
"I'LL BE THERE WITH BELLS ON."
I'LL BET YOU WILL.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
[ GREGORI KLOSMAN'S "MINIBAR"
PLAYS ]
WHAT YOU DOING?
DID YOU MISS ME?
>> * FUCK, THERE'S NO MINIBAR
[ MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> [ MOANING ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
COME ON, FRANKS.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
>> GOOD MORNING. INTERNATIONAL.
HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?
>> YES, EXACTLY.
YOUR DONATION WILL HELP LITTLE
RODRIGO GET THE SCHOOLING HE
NEEDS.
I JUST HOPE I CAN FIND SPONSORS
FOR HIS BROTHER AND SISTER.
I MEAN, WHAT WE GENERALLY LIKE
TO DO IS TO SPONSOR A WHOLE
FAMILY AT A TIME.
THAT WAY, IT HAS A GREATER
IMPACT ON THE COMMUNITY.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S BEEN GREAT
TALKING TO YOU AGAIN, BARBARA.
OH, YEAH?
IT'S ONLY AN EXTRA $19 A MONTH.
YES, WE DO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, BARBARA.
IT REALLY HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.
AND THANK THE LORD FOR REAL,
HEARTFELT FOLKS LIKE YOU.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL IN A
COUPLE WEEKS TO MAKE SURE THAT
THE PACKETS GOT THERE OKAY.
ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
[ SMOOCHES ] YOU TOO.
BYE-BYE.
[ PHONE HANGS UP ]
>> WELL, B-BOY, YOU'RE ON FIRE.
[ HANDS TAPPING ]
BODES WELL FOR THE DATE TONIGHT.
>> OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.
I'M SO SICK OF DATING.
>> NO, SHE'S RIGHT, BAILEY.
YOU HAVE TO RIDE THIS WAVE OF
POSITIVE ENERGY AND DON'T HOLD
BACK.
IF IT GOES WELL, WHICH I'M SURE
IT WILL, YOU NEED TO STAY IN THE
MOMENT!
THIS IS YOUR TIME, MY MAN.
I-I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.
WHEN THE TIDES TURN FOR YOU, THE
UNIVERSE GIVES YOU AN
OPPORTUNITY.
>> I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I NEED TO BREAK OUT OF MY
SHELL.
USUALLY, ON THE FIRST FEW DATES,
I BEHAVE MYSELF, NOT LETTING ANY
WOMEN IN OR SHOWING ANY SIGN OF
WEAKNESS, SO WHEN I DO SHOW SOME
OF MY PERSONALITY, IT COMES OFF
AS DISINGENUOUS, YOU KNOW?
SO, FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE
MYSELF, COME WHAT MAY, AND DAMN
THE TORPEDOES!
>> YEAH.
>> JUST STAY OUT OF THE
HEADLINES.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
AS MATTER OF FACT, IF THE DATE
RUNS ALL NIGHT, YOU CAN COME IN
LATE TOMORROW.
>> WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> * THEY DAY THE DOLLS CAME TO
LIFE, CAME TO LIFE *
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* THE DAY THE DOLLS, THEY CAME
TO LIFE *
* THEY CAME TO LIFE
* THEY CHANGED MY LIFE
* BLOODY FOOTPRINTS IN THE
BATHTUB *
* WHO'S SLEEPING THERE?
>> * CAME TO LIFE
>> * LITTLE FRIENDS
>> [ GASPS ]
>> * VISIT
* ...IN MY HAIR
>> * CAME TO LIFE
>> * THE WEEKEND'S GETTING
WILDER *
>> ...IS SO MUCH SEXIER.
INSECT.
>> OH, YES.
>> INSECT.
INSECT.
INSECTS!
IN SEX!
SEX!
I LOVE WORMS...
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
>> ...ESPECIALLY THE LUMBRICUS
TERRESTRIS.
COCK.
>> OH, INSECTS.
>> COCKROACHES.
THEY'RE GOOD, BUT BEAT...
BEAT...
BEETLES.
THEY'RE EVEN BETTER!
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY BABIES.
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ DOG BARKING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
>> IT IS SO COOL TO FIND A
TELEMARKETER WHO LOVES HIS JOB.
IT'S RARE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO
CAN FIND THE POSITIVES IN LIFE.
>> WELL, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF
FOCUSING ON THE LITTLE THINGS
AND MAKING THE BEST OF YOUR
SITUATION.
>> I KNOW. I KNOW.
I MEAN, I TRY, BUT TO ACTUALLY
DO IT?
I'M A HAIRDRESSER, OKAY?
AND ONCE THE SALON EMPTIES OUT,
WE ALL JUST INEVITABLY JUST TALK
SHIT ABOUT THE CUSTOMERS.
BUT THEY TELL US ALL THIS DRAMA.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO?
BUT THEN THE NEXT TIME THEY
COME IN THERE'S THIS GUILTY,
AWKWARD SILENCE BEFORE EVERYONE
STARTS TALKING AGAIN.
>> HEY, DON'T FEEL BAD FOR
VENTING, THOUGH.
IT'S WHAT KEEPS US ALL SANE.
IT'S LIKE A PRESSURE-RELIEF
VALVE.
IF YOU BOTTLED ALL THAT UP,
EVENTUALLY THERE'D BE AN
EXPLOSION OF TENSION.
AND NOBODY WANTS THAT.
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
A GIRL CAN USE THAT EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE.
>> WAITRESS, ANOTHER ROUND,
OR TWO OR FIVE, PLEASE.
I THINK I LIKE YOU.
>> RAWR.
>> WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?
>> WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
>> OH, I KNOW A PLACE, A PARK
THAT THE COPS DON'T CHECK ON AT
NIGHT.
>> OOH, THAT'S SO HIGH SCHOOL.
I LOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT TO GET ANOTHER
ROUND, THOUGH, BEFORE WE GO?
>> YEAH.
>> WAITRESS?
COULD I GET ANOTHER RUM AND
COKE, PLEASE?
BUT THIS TIME, MAKE IT STRONGER.
GIVE ME THREE FINGERS.
>> AND I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SEA
BREEZE, AND CAN YOU BRING THE
CHECK WITH THE DRINKS?
THANKS.
>> I KNOW I SAID THREE FINGERS,
BUT YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO GET TWO
IN THERE.
TRUST ME. IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
I THINK I GREW MY HYMEN BACK.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
YOU ARE SUCH A CHARACTER!
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO,
ANYWAY?
>> OH, I'M OVER HERE UNDER THIS
TREE.
I'M JUST GETTING EVERYTHING
READY.
I'LL COME UP AND GET YOU IN A
MINUTE.
>> I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME OUT
HERE FOR A MINUTE.
>> YOUR KNIGHT WITH SHINY LIGHT
SOURCE IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY.
>> OOH, SHINY!
>> THERE'S MY CATWOMAN.
>> I'M A TIGRESS, AND YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHING YET.
>> SEE?
MAGIC.
>> YOU ARE AMAZING.
HOW DID YOU?
[ GRUNTS ]
>> OOH, AGGRESSIVE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> AAH! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
YOU ARE ONE SICK LITTLE BASTARD!
>> FUCK!
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> * ACTIVATED
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
* I CAN FEEL YOU
[ DOG BARKING ]
>> OH!
OH, I'D FORGOTTEN, FRANKS.
MR. REYES SAID THAT I COULD COME
IN LATE TODAY.
[ CELLPHONE THUDS ]
[ WATER RUNNING ]
[ BEES BUZZING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GASPING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ GROANS ] NASTIES.
OHH.
[ GASPS ]
AHH, YOU LITTLE NASTIES.
[ BUZZING CONTINUES ]
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, HE DID SAY THAT I COULD
CALL HIM ANYTIME, AND HE'S
ALWAYS AT THE OFFICE WAY BEFORE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'LL GIVE HIM A CALL, RIGHT?
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
>> AW, SHIT. IT'S BAILEY.
UGH.
YES, BAILEY. HOW'D IT GO?
>> I RUINED IT.
EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE, AND I
RUINED IT ALL AGAIN.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU RUINED
IT, BAILEY?
>> YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE GETTING
SPECIFIC.
[ SIGHS ]
IT'S HOPELESS.
SHOULDN'T I JUST GIVE UP?
>> [ SIGHS ] YES.
YES.
[ GRUNTS ]
I MEAN -- I MEAN, NO.
NO, NO, I MEAN, IT'S TIME THAT
YOU LET ME SET YOU UP WITH
SOMEONE.
>> SERIOUSLY.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE MIXING
BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE.
>> YEAH, UH, ME EITHER.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'S HOT. SHE'S EASY.
SHE -- SHE'S DOWN FOR JUST ABOUT
ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU GOT TO GET BACK ON THAT
HORSE, MAN.
I'LL SET YOU UP TONIGHT.
>> [ SIGHS ] OKAY.
>> OKAY?
OKAY.
OKAY, THEN!
ARE YOU COMING IN TODAY?
>> YEAH, I'LL BE THERE IN A
LITTLE BIT.
>> OH. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THEN I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
UH, I'LL GIVE YOU THE DETAILS
LATER.
>> HERE WE GO, FRANKS, ONCE MORE
INTO THE BREACH.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> DIDN'T YOU SEE THE PAPER?
THE COPS FOUND ANOTHER DEAD BODY
THIS MORNING.
>> I'M TELLING YOU -- BAILEY IS
NO SERIAL KILLER.
HE'S JUST A LITTLE ODD.
>> HMM.
WELL, CLEAR YOUR CALENDAR
BECAUSE WE ARE FOLLOWING HIM ON
THIS DATE YOU SET HIM UP ON.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE
REALLY IS A SERIAL KILLER?
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THAT
NEIGHBOR ON THE NEWS WHO'S, "OH,
I THOUGHT HE WAS A LITTLE WEIRD,
BUT I NEVER EXPECTED BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH"?
>> [ GROANS ]
>> ARE YOU CHARLIE BROWN OR
CHARLES BRONSON?
>> ALL RIGHT, RELAX.
RELAX, OKAY?
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FOLLOW HIM,
BUT AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE,
OKAY?
I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T
SEE US.
>> [ Imitating Brittany Murphy ]
I'LL NEVER TELL.
THANK YOU, MR. REYES.
>> YOU CAN CALL ME VICTOR.
>> MMM.
[ DOG PANTING ]
>> WELL, HERE WE GO,
FRANKENSTEIN.
MY TWO WORLDS ARE ABOUT TO
COLLIDE, AND THE IMPACT COULD
SEND ME ROCKETING INTO OUTER
SPACE.
THIS IS PROBABLY A BIG, BIG
MISTAKE.
BUT YOU STILL LOVE ME, RIGHT?
I JUST NEED TO GET LAID THE
OLD-FASHIONED WAY, TO A LIVING,
BREATHING VERTEBRATE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> HI. HEATHER, RIGHT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, CUTIE.
IS DINNER READY YET?
>> YES, IT IS, MILADY.
>> CAN I FRESHEN UP?
>> CAN I...?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> RIGHT THAT WAY.
>> I THINK I SEE HIM MAKING
DINNER IN THERE.
>> I DON'T CARE.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T
CARE?
THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
>> I DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT.
I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> I CAME PREPARED.
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
>> OKAY. HERE. PUT THIS ON.
IT'S YOUR BALACLAVA.
>> BAKLAVA?
>> [ SIGHS ] JUST PUT IT ON.
>> JANICE, WHAT THE HELL?
ARE YOU SEAL TEAM SIX OR
SOMETHING?
>> SO, WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?
>> GLOVES?
I DON'T NEED ANY GLOVES.
>> YES, YOU DO.
THIS IS A STAKEOUT.
>> YOU CAME SO HIGHLY
RECOMMENDED BY VICKY.
I WAS JUST SO EAGER TO MEET YOU.
>> WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS
THANK YOU, BEECTOR.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
>> MM, COULD BE A LOT OF THINGS.
QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT
YOU'RE GONNA BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO
FIND OUT.
>> WELL, I DID MAKE
DINNER, AND...
I PICKED UP A BOX OF WINE!
IT'S A GREAT VINTAGE, TOO --
LAST MONTH, I BELIEVE.
>> YOU HAD ME AT "BOXED WINE."
>> COME ON. DUCK DOWN.
GO SLOWER.
>> [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT, FINE.
JUST GIVE ME THE UMBRELLA.
I FEEL LIKE A FREAKING NINJA
OVER HERE.
>> I'M NOT A NINJA.
I'M A RONIN.
>> WHAT?
>> OH, LOOK IT UP.
>> JANICE, YOU'RE TALKING LOCO,
EH?
OH, BROTHER.
>> WAIT. DUCK DOWN! DUCK DOWN!
UGH. I CAN'T BREATH.
BESIDES, THIS IS STARTING TO
LOOK LIKE AN EPISODE OF
"THE BACHELOR."
>> WHY ARE YOU TAKING THAT OFF?
SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN.
>> OH, COME ON.
HE'S GOT IT COVERED.
I BROUGHT A FRIEND WITH ME BY
THE NAME OF JOSE.
>> JOSE?
>> I BROUGHT A FRIEND, TOO.
>> YEAH?
>> HIS NAME...IS CHUCK.
>> CHUCK?
>> CHUCK.
>> DO YOU STILL THINK THIS WAS A
GOOD IDEA?
>> I COULD HAVE SWORN THERE WAS
SOMETHING GOING ON.
MY SPIDEY SENSES WERE TINGLING.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I'M NEVER WRONG ABOUT THESE
THINGS.
>> WELL, IN THIS CASE, WE CAME
OUT HERE FOR NOTHING.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> I FOUND SOMETHING FUNKY IN
YOUR KITCHEN.
>> UH...I HOPE IT WAS ANOTHER
BOX OF WINE.
>> NO.
IT'S WAS SOMETHING FILTHY...
DIRTY, AND DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING.
>> S-S-SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THEM?
>> WHAT, ROACHES?
OR FORMICOPHILIA IN GENERAL?
[ SCOFFS ]
OH, SO YOU'RE SHOCKED THAT I
KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR INSECT
FETISH?
THAT I KNOW YOUR DIRTY LITTLE
SECRET?
THAT YOU LOVE TO FEEL THEIR TINY
LITTLE LEGS CRAWLING ALL OVER
YOU?
UGH.
OH, HOW CUTE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE KINKIEST
ONE HERE.
>> BAILEY'S DOING HIS THING.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> HE'S MAKING --
>> WHAT? WHAT IS HE DOING?
>> OOH.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> WE SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING
THIS.
>> [ MOANS ]
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> YEAH, BAILEY!
>> WE SHOULD LEAVE THOSE KIDS
ALONE.
>> NO.
>> LET THEM DO THEIR THING.
>> THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
>> [ MOANING ]
>> CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE OUR FUN?
>> [ Imitating Al Pacino ] OH,
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND --
JOSE.
>> AH. AND TO BEECTOR.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] VICTOR.
MMM.
>> OKAY, DON'T BE SO GREEDY.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> UGH!
>> [ MOANING ]
>> [ GASPS ]
>> OH, SHIT!
>> AAH!
>> ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE ALL YOU
NEEDED?
>> OH, I HAD ABOUT ALL I CAN
TAKE, IS MORE LIKE IT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT STORY WAS AWESOME.
I WISH YOU WERE OUR TEACHER,
DR. LEBOWSKI.
>> OH, YOU ARE LIKE 12 YEARS
OLD.
WE HAVE THIS PAPER DUE.
ARE YOU, MY USELESS LAB PARTNER,
GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT WITH ME
TO FINISH IT?
>> PLAY NICE, CHILDREN.
CONSIDER, IF YOU WILL, THE
CICADA, LAYING ASLEEP IN THE
GROUND, GESTATING AND DREAMING
FOR 12 YEARS, WAITING TO DIG ITS
WAY TO FREEDOM, EATING, MATING,
SINGING, ONLY TO LIVE FOR A
WEEK, NEVER A THOUGHT FOR WHICH
DAY WILL BE ITS LAST.
>> SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
LIKE, WE ALL END UP BUG FOOD, SO
WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT WHILE
WE CAN?
>> SURE, DOUG.
THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID
FOR SIMPLICITY.
>> COME ON, DOUG.
BYE, DR. TARKOVSKY.
>> THANKS, DOC.
>> GOOD LUCK ADAPTING OUT THERE.
[ SPEAKING CROATIAN ]
[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT A FREAK.
>> I LIKED THE DOC.
>> I WASTED MY ENTIRE DAY.
I WAS REALLY COUNTING ON THAT TO
BE THE LINCHPIN IN OUR PAPER.
>> WHY'D YOU HAVE TO ACT SO
DISGUSTED BY ME?
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
>> OH, GET OVER IT.
YOU REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT
ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.
>> NO.
OH, YEAH, BABY.
>> WHAT?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
OH, THE CHICK I'VE BEEN SEXTING
IS UP FOR MEETING TONIGHT.
>> GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> "REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT.
I THINK IT'S TIME WE PUT OUR
FACES TO FLESH."
>> SHE DID NOT SAY THAT.
>> READ IT AND WEEP.
>> WHO WOULD SAY THAT?!
>> ONLY THE MOST AWESOME CHICK
EVER.
>> WELL, WHATEVER.
HAVE FUN WITH THAT.
I'M GONNA GO WRITE OUR PAPER.
>> HEY, YOU CAN COME WITH, IF
YOU WANT.
WE COULD ALL GET FREAKY.
>> AWW.
USUALLY WHEN A GUY ASKS ME TO
GET FREAKY, MY KNEES JUST
QUIVER, BUT THIS TIME IT'S JUST
MY STOMACH.
>> SO, YEAH, THEN?
>> FIND YOUR OWN RIDE!
>> HEY, WAIT!
WHAT ABOUT A RIDE DOWNTOWN?
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING ]
WHAT ABOUT MY BOOTY CALL?
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
OH, THANK GOD YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR
PIC.
TONIGHT'S BEEN SO WEIRD.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
FIRST?
>> HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD?
>> * OHHHHHHH
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* UNTIL MY EYES...
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
*UNTIL YOU'RE ALL DEAD AND
GONE *
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER
* NEVER WILL I SURRENDER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER
* NEVER