Creep Van (2012) - full transcript

Creep Van 2012

What if i told you about wandering off

i've told you once i've told you a

hundred times stay away from

vans only bad people own veins

there it is

dude check the back all right

it's locked

hurry up this is taking way too long

dude shut up man i've almost got it come

on man we don't have all night

this game's a piece of [ __ ] anyways

this man all took us a little effort

oh

Uh

So

bingo

i'm 42.

Is this correct is this why you were

fired

of course not what yes okay that's

why they said they fired me but no i

didn't do that

the manager at the pick and save has it

in for me lady

okay look how do you suppose i could

have been stealing porno magazines

when we don't even stock them makes no

sense all right

well you're just bought out of options

here do you not recall some of your

previous employment highlights

none of those jobs would have been a

problem if i had a car

we'll get a car here take this to mr

kaufman at the car wash

tell him you're going to be his best

employee ever washing cars huh

43 do you maybe have something a little

more suited to my strengths

Hi hi um is there a um

mr kaufman yeah there is okay hang on

all right so you're getting all the

spots right okay now you try

here all right go ahead

that no a little elbow grease city boy

you see this

elbow grease all right you try there you

go

Doesn't he work here what the

uh does anybody work here

i got this i got this no no no pick your

roll pick your roll

hit the rope it works every time man

it's classic

no [ __ ] roll man

campbell sir

every time i look for you you're

somewhere else i like your style

you're a born natural for the auto

rejuvenation field well thank you sir

i just i want to do my best for you so

hey what part of town you say you live

in

Mount clemons perfect

i need you to swing by cabor's auto

supply on eight mile

pick up a small shipment turbo wax on

your way in tomorrow

that's not gonna work sir because i'm

i'm on i'm taking the bus

you've got lower management written all

over you yeah

sir the bus i'm taking the bus right now

so

Get out there

piss me

hey

hey thanks man thanks for stopping it's

too hot to be stuck out there by myself

just i just need to get to like a gas

- station or something and just make a

- call

I don't know what happened things just

start shaking in my hands it's bad gas

or maybe the valves or something i don't

know

- anyway i pulled over the side of the

- road it's dead

All my friends are like you gotta have a

harley i'm like why do i have to have a

harley like it's some sort of rule or

something

how did that become the rule it's

ridiculous

everybody i know that has a harley

spends all their time and money fixing

the name

all the kids at the roadhouse they don't

care about our harley they're driving

- suzukis and ducatis and yamahas and all

- that stuff

What am i supposed to do i show up at

starbucks saturday morning riding some

piece of jab crap

oh yeah they're gonna laugh me out of

town or threaten to kick my ass

but the thing is i can kick their ass in

performance issues alone right

that's what i'm thinking ridiculous

i like your van man my brother in ann

arbor i one just like it

except it was green and it was dodged

but it's one of those conversiony

things you know one time check it out

huge deep purple fan right had all their

eight tracks and one time

gets a cassette stuck in the player all

- we had to listen to for six months

- machine i mean it could have been worse

Right i mean that album kind of brought

everything to light but

where would we be without highway star

smoke on the water smoke on the water

man

come on

now i know not everybody gets off on you

know pictures of home and

maybe i'm a leo oh man smoke on the

water

yeah and they disappeared came back

after all those years

and like they were huge bigger than ever

man

perfect strangers remember that record

kids weren't even born when they were

around the first place

knew who they were they're bigger than

priests bigger than maiden man

now don't get me wrong i mean i love

knocking at your back door but like i

said we didn't have perfect strangers

we had machine head

excuse me hi did you

clock out because uh mr kaufman won't

pay you

thank you i'm still getting used to the

way things work around here

yeah that'd be par for the course huh

bust my ass and not get paid

i'm uh i'm campbell by the way i'm amy

nice to meet you

you don't really look like someone

intent on a career in car detailing what

gives

yeah i kind of underestimated uh how

important a car might be when i moved

back here

i've always lived downtown i don't find

a cheap ride soon i don't know if i'm

gonna last around this place

don't give up you live in detroit if you

can't find a cheap car here then

can't find one anywhere yeah yeah thanks

for the pep talk

- i'll find something right i'm not

- homeless

All right i'm really not homeless

speak of her eyes

sir sir last stop

wait wait wait wait wait wait hold on

hold i'm on

come on hold the bus please hey can you

tell him to hold the bus

sir wait guys

perfect you got the turbo x

next time if you could be on time oh

yeah i'm really sorry about that mr

kaufman

i've been on the bus for like an hour

trying to get here sorry son

what causes a man to do so little when

there are cars to be washed and tires to

be buffed look mr kaufman i said i was

sorry

the bus is brutal man it takes hours

sometimes it's

just that oh

right them i i don't know mr kaufman

well that's your job campbell that's

what you're here for

now get out there and get those dead

- beats in line they'll listen to you

- they like you

Hey man you should have seen this car

[ __ ] was crazy

hey guys um listen uh mr

kaufman saw you smoking the pot so just

put it out get back to work everything's

cool

okay so yeah just get back to work guys

bro like you best get back to work yo

i'll get back to work

dumbass white boy

okay take a seat your order will be up

in a minute

sure welcome to jb's tacos

can i help you sir yeah um give me two

beef tacos with uh just a water

that's 450.

Okay here's your change

take a seat or it'll be up in a minute

are you all right man [ __ ] man i'm sorry

yeah

i'm real sorry

so

I'm buying a van no way you can't afford

a van bro

i know i know but for the price these

guys are asking

just really not a choice here man and

i'm

so sick and tired of taking the bus and

have you ever tried to get a date

without a car

not very easy no yeah and i figured uh

if i get fired i can live in it

yeah you know what i hear you that uh

that whole bus gig has got to suck bro

yeah you're telling me man you gotta see

this thing though

it's it's more rust than metal and it

probably looks like some serial rapist

drives it or something but

dude it's dirt cheap and i'm buying it

you know what i think you should get the

van

i mean you might call me crazy but uh

you should put your balls in that thing

and you should drive

yeah things are looking up for old

campbell yeah

now um kind of busy here so would you

let me get back to what i was doing

and uh if you see danny tell her i'm in

here okay

thanks buddy okay

later bob

hi my name is campbell um calling on the

van that's for sale

i'm very interested so uh if it's still

available please give me a call back

at uh 555-8424

like i said i'm very interested so

please call me back at your earliest

convenience

thank you bye

hi um this is marie and i'm calling

about the van you have for sale i'd love

to come by and take a look at it

uh my number is 555-6942

thanks bye you sure this thing isn't

gonna fall apart on me as soon as i hit

the road

looks like it's seen better days huh

oh how many girls have disappeared after

a ride in this

can we take it for a spin just around

the lot

oh

The hello

i swear if they don't patch up those

holes on woodward i'm gonna sue the city

i guess i should be happy because

whatever my bus runs over

not a problem isn't there at least a

cheap crappy car you could buy that

would hold you over for a month

have you seen that it's like a 70s van

i called on it yeah i've seen that van

it looks like the poster child for rape

prevention

good luck ever getting a date if you buy

one of those

the word i was thinking was vintage and

it's got potential

listen whatever it is it's better than

the bus trust me i like your conviction

just remind me to never go on a date

with you if you get one of those

great song what is it

what happens to the music

i don't know what it takes to get you

people to understand but like i told the

rican out there

look at my car look at my car i brought

it in here two hours ago

and look at it no now now back me up on

this a good car wash should last

24 hours 24 hours

well

i can see we're getting nowhere with

this why don't you get that [ __ ]

manager of yours

what's his name kaufman get him out here

maybe maybe we can get him to

comprehend just a little bit somebody

say my name

yes excuse me trouble folks hey i'm you

know what

i'll handle this it's like the man said

the car was clean

i get the hose look hookers have nothing

to do with this i don't care what you

say

yes in fact i as you know i'm one of

your best customers and i'm really upset

about what's going on

life is suffering [ __ ]

really really i think the phrase i don't

have it on me

should not even be in a bookies

vocabulary you get

you get me the money you owe me by

tomorrow morning or i'm gonna send a

few of my food deprived followers over

there to stick their fist

right up your ass you got me no i don't

want any of your construction work is

trade i mean you'd have to build me

something

bigger and [ __ ] cooler than spawn

ranch to pay off what you owe me

[ __ ] you too yeah of course tell mom i

love her

hey you got

hello hello

hello

hey if somebody's there i can't hear you

so just call me back

so

So

Oh [ __ ]

jackpot

hello

whoa calm down man what are you talking

about

dude oh oh

dude is this the guy with that cool van

for sale dude i've been trying to get a

hold of you man

is it hey calm down man

yeah okay well you can keep your van i

don't need this [ __ ]

yeah i'll talk to you

a [ __ ] radiator hose you dip [ __ ]

that's all that's what i told you when i

came in here

the brakes are fine the tires are brand

new and the transmission

is cherry well i'm sorry this is all

coming in such a surprise to you but you

really should leave the worrying about

the automotive repair to the experts

now a man like me can tell you if

something is going to go wrong with this

car

and you might spend a little extra money

right now but 4 800

is not that much to pay to protect a

pretty little thing like yourself

and uh i can't let you legally drive out

of here the car i know is not up to code

you could also uh work a little

something out

how much do you weigh what you want to

know that for

because i don't want to throw my back

out when i do this

you bad [ __ ] you have 10 minutes to put

my car back together

or else i am going to literally drag

your

ass into town and show off my [ __ ]

kicking abilities to all

your hillbilly friends

get to work

ah what'd you get

hey campbell come on i'll give you a

ride

really

yeah come on

there's got to be a good reason you're

working at guesses right

you mean you don't think it's my

lifelong dream to polish the cars of

rich [ __ ] for a living

and yet here you are polishing the cars

- of rich [ __ ] for a living yeah

- okay i had this crazy dream of becoming

A big hollywood star

so i moved to l.a you gave up

respectability

and a nice living to follow your dreams

to hollywood huh

yeah you could say that and then on top

of all that my

crazy ex-girlfriend she was an actress

and decided to go into porn

and she took all my credit cards maxed

- them out had me kicked out of our

- crap hole apartment and next thing you

Know i'm calling my buddy bob

for a greyhound ticket luckily he was

cool enough to give me 40 bucks and

here i am wow that's terrible

uh hey campbell i forgot to ask you

did you find a duffel bag a guy called

he said he left a duffel bag behind it

was a guy in a

black porsche oh yeah that that weirdo

with the white robe on

the beads right right yeah i tried to

get his attention but he was on his

phone or whatever so i just uh

i put that stuff in the lost and found

- really because all i found were some

- old shoes and a couple of hats the lost

And found is

under the cash register right right just

below and to the left

same as always that's where i put it

campbell it really doesn't matter one

way or the other i mean i know some of

the guys

pocket loose change or sunglasses and

it's really none of my business but

the guy was really upset and i just

think

wait what are you are you trying to say

that i have something to do with it

why would you think i i didn't touch

this guy's stuff

i'm sorry campbell that wasn't cool

i'm really sorry i just i don't know i

got a little freaked out when the guy

- called he said some things

- like what what do you say it doesn't

Matter

you know maybe mr kaufman found it and

put it away for safekeeping

- we'll find it in the morning right yeah

- listen this is not something you need to

Worry about we're gonna find it it's

fine

okay all right oh you know what this is

it right here

well can i uh can i interest you in a

fresh atwater beer very tempting

but i think i'll take a rain check

all right suit yourself just came off

the line it was brewed yesterday

from the d no go all right

i really appreciate this thank you

you're welcome

well if you change your mind i'll be at

home

oh yeah yeah keep going yes

oh

Nope so happened that banner going to

buy

nothing i called the guy and left a few

messages and i didn't hear back so i

guess he really didn't want to sell it

such a loser gamble have you not been

able to save a couple hundred bucks to

buy some cheap car

if you promise to move out i'll make bob

buy you some piece of crap

i was here first lady

hey campbell so i

you found my weakness is that bottle of

beer still cold

let me check

yes come on in

oh here it is

have a seat thanks

so you came back

i'll go get the beer good idea okay

sorry i'm all out of malt liquor

whatever campbell

just get me buzzed and maybe you'll have

a fighting chance

all right

so you feeling anything yet there is

some tingling going on

that good huh

slow down tiger fun but i'm not quite

that easy

come here

wow you weren't able to find a girl on

craigslist and get her here that fast

come on danny will you leave us alone

and give us some privacy here

i don't interrupt your 3 a.m dog house

parties do i

next time you should see if she does

in-call service i'd rather you don't

bring these chicks home with you

great get out sorry

my roommate likes some ornery

i probably should go

but i'm glad i came back

hey campbell can you help me find that

bag tomorrow

i really don't want to be yelled at

again please

unless that thing is in al capone's

vault

we're gonna find it all right okay

i guess i'll see myself out

thanks campbell i'll see you tomorrow

bye

yes

so

Now

hey man we're going up to the bar to

watch the game yeah yeah hey

what do you guys know about a missing

duffel bag did you take it

- all i know is i didn't take it there was

- like 20 pounds of weed in there but

Ain't nobody gonna be stupid enough to

come around looking for it so why don't

you just

chill relax have a joint

this [ __ ] is [ __ ] good yo yo

did you guys take it or not

hey what's wrong okay well did you find

the bag

yeah i got to talk to you about that

look i came in this morning i talked

that so i was getting a guy called back

and he's

really really angry he said that there's

some important stuff in there and then

someone had better find it

or else okay listen i came in this

morning and i was asking the guys a few

questions jerome

they're [ __ ] around i'm pretty sure

they took his bag

who did i don't know all of them

so

I'm sorry in five minutes

you mean the alley what the [ __ ]

hey dude hey

i'll be back in five minutes all right

what are you telling me for snowflake

where's he going i don't know

bye

wait wait wait dude shut the [ __ ]

up dude wait i said shut up just

you have something that belongs

to me i don't have your [ __ ] bag man

i don't have it what it just [ __ ]

disappeared then

no the guys at the car wash i don't i

don't know [ __ ]

dude i put the [ __ ] bag in the lost

and found and i didn't see it after that

i don't know you expect me to believe

that you took 25 pounds

of the finest [ __ ] bud and stuck it

in the lost and found no dude

i didn't look in the bag how am i

supposed to know there's weed in it you

got two choices one you recover my buds

don't move

i think i just [ __ ] my robe man just

shut the [ __ ] up man listen to me

careful you got this

i didn't take your bag of pot you got it

yeah i got it

man that's the closest i've ever come to

singing with vishnu and believe me i've

had some close ones man

did you get a look at the guy shut the

[ __ ] up listen to me

leave me and amy the [ __ ] alone do you

understand me are you kidding man

[ __ ] the buds you don't know how

grateful i am for this man i've never

seen anyone do what you just did

thank you thank you i owe you a huge

favor for this man

i mean i can always get more buds right

but my life

my life is [ __ ] valuable uh

yeah whatever just please leave us alone

all right

you got it my name is ted

here take a card

cool leave us alone

hey remember you need something you you

come and see swami ted

okay i owe you a favor the size of the

ashkar don temple

ah campbell come in sit down

you've been acting weird the last few

days

now you're doing your work better than

82 percent of the people in here but you

and i both know that doesn't mean much

i mean let's face it most of the people

that work for me are either morons or

borderline retards

- i caught that guy jerome taking a [ __ ]

- in the planner yesterday

Anyway what do you got to be so down in

the dumps about

isn't amy treating you well yeah mr

kaufman that's

i'm that's not it trust me we're good

thank you

but i just i'm tired man i'm taking the

bus every day it's

let me ask you a personal question have

you been getting laid

like i know a good looking guy like you

i'm sure has no trouble hooking up with

the ladies

a couple of drinks here some small talk

there next thing you know you're back at

your dimly lit

shack sipping champagne you're starting

to feel a little frisky

the next thing you know the moment of

truth is upon you

huh you don't have to be embarrassed

it's happened to me tons of times little

kaufman just didn't seem to want to play

it's okay modern medicine has made that

a thing of the past

now all you do is take the blue pill

wash it down with the white pill

next thing you know you're back in the

saddle again and i do mean saddle

all right thank mr crawford thank you

really that's not the problem

i'm good there no no no it's not a sin

not in these troubled times

the church has made great strides in

this area yeah

mr kaufman honestly everything's okay

there

but could it be better the new

super-sized siagra

will give you porn star size and

endurance

my cousin sal tried it and uh

okay thank you i really do appreciate it

but uh

i am starving so can i go grab a snack

sure all right

thanks mr kaufman i

going places that kid is good

hello whoa whoa whoa

dude no

all right now hold on a second

no i dude i don't even know what the

[ __ ] you're talking about

well if he owes you the money then why

the [ __ ] are you calling me

your van yeah i know your van but he

doesn't want to get your lame ass van

all right he's already getting a pinto

okay yeah that's not even possible

all right and why is it when someone

talks about [ __ ] someone up

they always go with anal penetration oh

oh oh

yeah yeah you know what [ __ ] you all

right you need to

hello hello

strange fella

hey amy what i've been looking for you

all afternoon

listen this whole duffel bag thing with

the guy it's okay i smoothed it out

he didn't sound okay this morning

campbell i know i talked to him this

afternoon

and everything's fine it was just a big

misunderstanding he's not going to call

and yell anymore

for sure nope i promise and as a matter

of fact to celebrate

- i would like to take you to a movie

- except you don't have a car

I'll drive romeo but i get to pick the

movie

deal but if you're going to drag me to a

chick flick can we please make sure

there's at least some sex

in the movie right

always a sweet talker i can take you as

far as the bus stop if you want to lift

i would love that okay

and he's lining it up and he's going for

gold

dude dude is that you yeah man what's up

dude what the hell is going on

some guy calling talking about a van and

how you own some money on top of it

[ __ ] i told that guy i didn't want to

buy his van

he called you how does he have your

number what do you say well

he didn't say much all he did say was

that he was going to impel your ass with

a drive

shaft up the ass really

yeah and this guy was pissed too man he

kept going on and on

talking about uh you know how you owe

them money

and how he's gonna come and collect from

you too how did you even meet this guy

dude i've never even met him that's the

thing

i called and left him a message and i i

didn't hear back so i called the next

day and there's this girl screaming

in the background it's really weird so

he calls me today and

being a total ass and and i'm like dude

forget about i don't want to buy your

van

so then i get jumped in the alley and

push swami ted out of the way

just in time holy [ __ ]

well who the [ __ ] is swami ted

oh

[ __ ] that's [ __ ] again

so let's find a nice place for a picnic

that sounds perfect

let me ask you do you want kids i do how

about you

yeah i do you know this is like a dream

come true

nope

yes you got everything

oh that's a good feeling come on we're

gonna be late

don't worry campbell it's rated r for

strong sexuality oh

see chick flicks can be fun

well i can't uh i can't wait yeah

i think you're gonna have fun i think

you're gonna have fun

amy stop pull over i'm sorry can you

pull into the spot please

just pull over okay

do me a favor okay keep the engine

running i'm gonna be back

very shortly problems okay what is going

on

It's gonna be quick i promise okay just

let me let me go check this out

okay don't don't do anything stupid all

right and we're already late

i know it's gonna be quick okay

rated r for strong sexuality right let's

go

Hmm

oh yeah you like that yeah

yeah i love this

seder stuff are you vic

hi yeah i'd like to order a pizza

oh yeah tom about the coupon babe

um yeah we also

have a coupon uh huh

who's first on scene brandon okay

how many were in there two it's pretty

unbelievable

i think tonight gets a strong six except

for the russian judge

ouch six

so am i coming in for a drink or what

remind me again why didn't just drive

you home

because bob and danny are probably

passed out on my floor drunk after a

crazy wild night of sex

that nightmare plus a chick flick all in

- one night yeah that's a little too much

- to handle

Don't make me regret this

new super-sized siagra gives you porn

star

size and endurance

oh you won't regret this trust me

brandon bag this

oh okay

detective found these two

okay all right thanks

all right i'm gonna meet you inside okay

thanks

detective yeah you really ought to take

this

hello this is detective tom mccarthy

detroit police department who is this

i'm a friend of bob's what's going on

sir you need to identify yourself

why are you guys at my house and what's

- going on sir your friend was in a

- serious accident last night

Were you around here last night around

10 p.m or so wait

accident what are you talking about what

happened

calm down sir we're trying to figure out

what happened exactly

maybe you can come over and help us out

what can you just explain to me what

happened please

sir i need you to calm down and tell me

who you are

i told you i'm a friend of bob's a

really good friend

is is he okay sir he's not okay

did you say that this is your house is

your name campbell

can you tell me what the [ __ ] happened

sir you really need to come here

think think your friend [ __ ]

hello hello detective yeah

you really ought to see this come here

yeah

i don't know what the hell these people

- were up to

- but i hope you haven't eaten breakfast

Yet

make sure they don't spit in the papaya

juice they know you never notice once

they grind up the ice

no spit no problem mr k i will go to

- the car books last your drink will still

- be cold excellent

Amy something happened to bob he there's

some sort of an accident

i just called his phone and some

detectives answered an accident

they won't answer any of my questions

there was something happened last night

there's an answer just calm down all

right let's not jump to any conclusions

yet

he but amy bob is not okay he's not okay

okay i'm gonna tell mr kaufman that i'm

leaving and then we're gonna go to your

house and find out what's going on okay

okay

yeah what's going on we need to talk to

you about your roommate bob

you come with us okay yeah i i need you

just come with me

because i got a phone we're

okay thank you is he okay let's just

talk

come on

campbell where did you go

geez i'm in front of the car wash call

me when you get this okay

thanks

oh

Thanks for your cooperation don't leave

town okay

mr kaufman hello

guys

yeah amy it's campbell listen i just got

back to the car wash

it's a long story okay all the lights up

front were left on

and uh

call me back or i'll call you okay hello

come on guys quit [ __ ] around

mr kaufman

are you come on guys

um

Still want to buy a van what the [ __ ] do

you want from me [ __ ]

come on campbell i have what you want

girl

the van what you heard me

i have the girl i have the van you ever

want to see her again

on route 16 in arcadia one hour

come alone you think you're so [ __ ]

smart

i'm gonna [ __ ] kill you [ __ ]

you think you got everything you got it

all figured out

i'll [ __ ] kill you

oh

Oh

Um

We were deep in meditation this had

better be important

is that you yeah dude listen i don't

have time to explain this [ __ ]

but i really need that favor bro my girl

got snatched by that guy to try to run

you over

is that right

where are you listen close man i stole a

piece of mail how far are you away from

bubba's garage

three miles down the road why okay i'm

on my way

because that's where we need to go to

kill this [ __ ] creep

all right

mommy

come on

do you think he's gonna save you

do you love him are you gonna get

married

get a house pump out a few kids

buy a minivan

my beautiful sisters please please

continue your training

that's great i must take my temporary

leave

but when i return i expect you to be

prepared

to accept our beauty beautiful swan he's

brother campbell he's got amy we need

your

glorious family

namaste let's get going man he's [ __ ]

got in here

come on

come on man

how far away did you say bubble's garage

was less than five minutes

okay let's go

listen we're gonna have to completely

overwhelm him by force or sneak up on

him or something he's gonna be expecting

me at least relax

man we need a plan all right

we're gonna pull off and split up before

we get there

you sure it's just him and the girl i

didn't really think about that but i'm

gonna go on a limb and say this guy's

probably a loner

our best bet then is to make a loop

around the place and hopefully we get a

drop on him before he gets a drop on

us does this [ __ ] have a gun i don't

know but those guys at the car wash

weren't shot

so i'm hoping no let's go man that was

[ __ ] right don't confuse this with a

[ __ ] movie man

this guy blows a hole in your face it

- won't matter if i save your girl

- you remember that consider it remembered

But

swami i don't [ __ ] care what happens

to me we gotta get amy

i promised you man i owe you one

go man

i'm gonna go around back why don't you

sneak up on the van maybe amy's inside

oh

You [ __ ]

i'm sorry

uh

Um

Uh

Car title transfer

i guess you won huh

oh

Freeze don't [ __ ] move that's the van

we've got him don't [ __ ] move it's

not what it looks like you don't

understand the ground

- this is not what it looks like i didn't

- do this

You don't understand me

he [ __ ] killed her i didn't kill her

you're making a mistake you're making a

mistake

is

Highway

up in the distance light up ahead

shadows nothing to hold on

again

to this

again

again

hmm

so

You