Creature Cabin (2017) - full transcript
When Oscar is fired, and her boyfriend walks out (taking the cat), she heads to a remote cabin in the woods outside a ghost town called TARNATION. Here she plans to reflect on her life choices. Unfortunately for Oscar the woods are home to a DEMON UNICORN, whose satanic master seeks Oscar's blood to complete a ritual that will raise SATAN HIMSELF from Hell. Oscar is thrown into a battle with a demonic force that can possess anyone, and anything, living in the woods. Oscar must fight for her life, and ultimately face the evil in her own soul, to stop TARNATION falling upon the world.
(ominous music)
(fire crackling)
(wolf howling)
(suspenseful music)
(Kung Fu Virgin screams)
(foot thuds)
(Monk groans)
(foot thuds)
(Monk groans)
(Monk grunting)
(Monk screaming)
(foot thuds)
(Kung Fu Virgin groans)
(Kung Fu Virgin speaking
in foreign language)
(unicorn grunting)
(woman speaking in foreign language)
(unicorn neighs)
(unicorn neighs)
(Kung Fu Virgin groans)
(unicorn scoffing)
(ominous rock music)
(fire crackling)
? One, two, three, four ?
(rock music)
? Gotta tell me when
you're ready to rumble ?
? Gotta tell me when
you're ready to roll ?
? Find another way get into the cycle ?
? Find another way to get out of control ?
Find a, I'm sorry who wrote these lyrics?
Because it's just, it's
complete and utter ballsack.
I quite like the bit, the
bit I liked quite a lot
was when the music, it went up,
(Stoner snoring)
and then it went down, and then faster,
that piece, I liked it.
Does anyone in the actual
band like this song?
Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Well, no what if, what
if you guys dressed up
as instruments and then you dressed up
the instruments like people?
And then you could be
the first ever instrument
playing human, instrument
playing human band,
that's pretty sick.
(bong bubbling)
Where did you even come from?
(Stoner coughs)
Does, do we have anything else?
All right, we've been
working on a new one.
Oh, thank fuck.
BAND MEMBER: It's only rough,
it's just, just an idea.
Let's hear it.
Okay.
(ominous guitar music)
? Everyone thing around
me turned to stone ?
? Left to my heart broken all alone ?
? I need to get out of here ?
? Clear up my mind ?
? Leave what's been hurting me ?
? Before I go blind ?
STONER: That was amazing man.
It was like a fucking bag of AIDS.
I could, I could play it again.
No, please don't, otherwise
I'll have to strangle you
with your guitar strings.
Oscar, can I have a word in my office.
? Three, four ?
Take a seat.
Do you know how many
different kinds of putter
there are in the game of golf?
I've never felt like
that's something I might need to know.
There's blade putters,
center-shafted, mallet putters,
the list goes on.
Yes, it does rather.
Why do you think
there's so many different
types to choose from?
Umm.
Because it's important to
find the right kind of putter
to suit your individual style.
The correct tool to get the job done.
I'm sure you see where
I'm going with all this.
I wouldn't be too sure.
He's telling you that you're fired.
Got it, bravo!
I'm afraid you simple don't fit in, Oscar.
What?
Consider this an opportunity
to take the time to branch out.
Now my cousin Ramsey's place.
Don't ask for a discount, he's,
he's not my favorite cousin.
Too-da-loo, too-da-lo.
(rock music)
(ominous music)
(birds chirping)
(car horn honking)
(Oscar gasps)
(mellow rock music)
Must be Thursday.
(gentle rock music)
? Here comes another Monday ?
? Just lying here in bed ?
? Think I'll call in sick today ?
? Sit out on the front porch ?
? With my old guitar ?
? Just passing the time today ?
Stupid band, I don't need
those fuckers anyway.
Who the fuck needs to be in a band?
Just be a lead singer, fuck 'em.
Oh hey, Oz.
How was band practice?
OSCAR: Yeah, it was fucking brilliant.
I got kicked out, so that's great.
Ooh, steak knives.
OSCAR: Where's Tim, his car's not outside?
Yeah, he left just after you did.
OSCAR: Do you know where Misty is?
He took her with him.
Where's the sofa?
He took that too.
I thought it was odd at the time,
but you know Tim, he's
always rearranging things.
Balls.
Oh, Oz, he's run off on you hasn't he?
Fucking cockwomble.
Yeah, look don't worry about him.
He's a loser.
Look, you're free now.
You get to concentrate on your music.
You know be that awesome rock star
that you always wanted to be.
The band kicked me out.
Oh, right.
Wait here.
There is a silver lining.
What we have here is
an A-grade, cast iron,
and rock solid excuse to get
shitfaced on a school night.
(upbeat rock music)
? Gettin' called in the office ?
? Boss gotta talk to me ?
? He said times are tough ?
? And I'm gonna have to let you be ?
? I know that you were a good one ?
? And this really isn't very much fun ?
? But here's your pink slip ?
? And a little luck wish from me. ?
(suspenseful music)
(group speaking in foreign language)
I, I think I had too many martinis.
Martuni, martinis, what's a martuni?
Silence slum.
Let the summoning commence.
(thunder rumbling)
Uh, this is making me a
little bit uncomfortable.
Do you think we could have
like a safe word or something?
It's just-
It's about the blood, Oz.
(group speaking in foreign language)
Your blood, yes.
(chains rattling)
Hello, could somebody help me please?
Hello!
(unicorn grunting)
(group speaking in foreign language)
(Oscar groans)
You're up early?
It's 4:30.
In that case I'm going back to bed.
RAIN: No, you don't.
No, please. (groans)
Here, come on.
What, no.
Drink it.
It looks like mucus.
Drink.
Ah, it's smells like feet.
(Oscar groaning)
Drink it, it'll make you feel better.
See.
(Oscar coughs)
Yuck.
That is disgusting.
Are you going somewhere?
Oh, yeah, Bo and I, we're
doing a dirty weekend.
Who's Bo?
My fiance.
(laughs) Okay.
How much did we drink last night exactly?
Ah!
You should come with us.
Yeah.
No way.
Sounds like a terrible idea.
Besides I'd just be third wheeling anyway.
Oh, well I just might get
Bo to bring his hot cousin.
No, no, and no.
Self-pity and ice cream for me.
Besides where are you going anyway?
Uh, the place that you recommended.
I don't recommend places.
Recommending's like not my thing.
RAIN: Are you still drunk?
No.
On the fridge,
you put it there.
What's he look like anyway?
Huh.
Yeah.
Maybe I will come.
Oh.
Besides it's not exactly
like a weekend away
in a cabin in the woods is
gonna kill anyone is it?
? Please won't ya show me some jobs ?
? With a choice a human can have ?
? Without joining the mob ?
Uh, guys, seriously.
Driving here.
? Won't ya give me a job,
won't ya give me a job ?
Do you want me to drive for you?
Let's just get there as fast as we can.
(engine roars)
(metal pops)
? Kids at home and I'm about ?
Oh, balls.
? Think I'm gonna rob
a bank or something ?
(birds chirping)
WHEELS: Hold, hold, hold hold it.
Where?
What's, what's that?
Shoot it, shoot it!
Where?
Right there!
Where?
Oh, fuckin' follow my fingers, just shoot!
Oh yeah.
(arrow thuds)
Oh, you fuckin' missed.
What is wrong with you?
Fuck!
Ah, shut up.
I never fuckin' miss.
Shut up, you fuckin' did.
No, I fuckin' nicked it.
You didn't fuckin' nick it.
I did.
CAMERON: Where is it then?
If I didn't nick it why
did it take off like that?
Because it could hear the fuckin' arrow-
Stop!
What the fuck?
What in tarnation?
That is something you don't
fuckin' see every day.
Uh, no.
(suspenseful music)
(Wheels screams)
Holy shit, holy shit!
I got you.
Holy shit!
(Wheels screaming)
Fuck me.
(suspenseful music)
(eerie rock music)
? In the dark where no one goes ?
? She looked at him ?
? He's dead straight over here ?
? The lights went dark
and he left her for dead ?
Guys, stop.
It feels like we're exercising
and I don't do exercising.
BO: What are we supposed
to do get an Uber?
There is no reception here remember?
Oh, hey, there's a car.
Hey, hey, hey, I'll get it.
(car horn honking)
You fuckin' twat!
Fuckers!
(Driver laughing)
(car thuds)
Whoa!
Fuck!
? Her purse and got herself gone ?
Fuck me.
Better not of scratching
the fucking detail.
(Cameron groaning)
Just, just move you over
here, you'll be good.
(Driver humming)
(car door thuds)
(car engine roaring)
(suspenseful music)
(unicorn neighing)
(rock music)
Nice ride.
Need a ride.
Yeah, man, that' be great.
I've been hunting unicorns.
She's been hunting unicorns.
CAMERON: Where are ya going?
(laughs) Plenty of room, hop in.
? She looked at him the dead ?
(muffled signing)
? His lights went dark
and left her for dead ?
So are you from around these parts or?
Just passin' through?
(suspenseful music)
(Oscar gasps)
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm fine.
Is it far to go?
(eerie rock music)
? Won't ya tell me what you wanna do ?
? I can hardly find you ?
? Tell me where you're gonna be ?
? I can not see ?
BO: (indistinct).
(ominous music)
It's definitely not as advertised.
BO: All right people, keep
it moving, keep it moving.
Don't we need to check in first?
BO: Oh, no, there's a key under the mat.
Somewhere.
Wait, where'd she go?
WILMER: Who?
This is the place.
Perfect.
Oh, man, look at this rug.
Come check this rug out.
This thing's incredible.
(indistinct).
I assure you that's not necessary.
BO: Come get on this fur.
I'm just gonna watch.
(suspenseful music)
Thomas Dather, 15th century masterpiece,
summoning the unicorn.
It's classic.
OSCAR: It's ugly.
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder, Oscar.
You know it's said that this paining
is under a demon's curse.
Did they have wheelchairs
in the 15th century?
Uh, yeah, yeah, of course.
You know that's about the
time they were invented.
Come on, bar's open.
Come on boys, let's
get this party started.
(Cameron laughing)
(lips smacking)
(Wilmer coughing)
I've successfully set
the whole place on fire.
What else needs doing?
(laughs) everything.
WILMER: There's room for two.
Uh, I usually bathe solo.
Most things are better with a friend.
Bathing doubly so.
Look nothing personal, I
mean you seem like a nice guy
and everything, and-
It's cool.
Let's just go hang with Bo and Rain.
Okay, (laughs) safety in numbers, right.
This is much less awkward.
Spa actually, yeah.
(suspenseful music)
Yeah.
(Cameron laughing)
(unicorn neighing)
(unicorn snorting)
(rock music)
BO: Oh this rug feels like Satan.
(suspenseful music)
(water bubbling)
Well, that looks inviting.
(water splashing)
(Wilmer sighs)
(suspenseful music)
(Rain gasps)
What's wrong, what's wrong?
Baby, baby, talk to me, talk to me.
What's wrong?
Baby, baby.
(dramatic music)
(water bubbling)
(Wilmer groans)
Oh, God.
(Wilmer groans)
Whoa, steady on there sailor.
(Wilmer groaning)
(Oscar gasps)
(Wilmer groaning)
(Wilmer screams)
(Oscar gasps)
(Rain laughing)
(ominous music)
You good?
A centipede just crawled out of my dick,
I'm about as far from good as possible.
We should probably get you to a doctor.
Do you think?
We don't have a car though, do we?
How did we get here?
I don't know.
We need to get going, come on.
Also someone needs to check your penis.
Whoa.
Is that blood?
OSCAR: Rain.
Bo.
(painting creaking)
(suspenseful music)
(Rain grunting)
(Rain laughing)
(playful jazz music)
? Old street lights off the boulevard ?
? Seem to find a way for me ?
? Well, there's candles
at those joints outside ?
? Oh, that answers to my need ?
(Rain grunting)
(indistinct).
(Oscar groaning)
(Rain yells)
(bookshelf thuds)
(bookshelf thuds)
(Oscar screams)
I told you this getaway was a bad idea.
(fist thuds)
(Rain groans)
(Rain laughing)
(foot thuds)
(suspenseful music)
RAIN: I'm back.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, no you don't.
(Rain growling)
(Rain grunting)
Good.
(gentle country music)
? Wilderness, in the
wilderness, in the wilderness ?
? We'll lay down ?
? Far from death, not far from death ?
? Take me down up in your devil's thread ?
(insects chirping)
? Hellish wind, of a hellish wind ?
? A hellish wind gotta blow on me ?
? Take my land, take my land ?
? Fade to fade, oh fade back ?
? Send me back, send me back ?
(Oscar gasps)
(shovel thuds)
Oh, fuck, sorry.
Uh, are you okay?
No, you keep asking me, not really.
Where's Bo and Rain?
Where are they?
I'm gonna need
a lot more time to explain.
BO: Yo, what up cunts?
Dude, dudette
Ah, dude, pants.
BO: Ah, come on baby, give me a hug
you big hairy gay bird.
Don't come any closer
otherwise I'll knock your head clean off.
WILMER: Whoa, what the hell?
He's not human, trust me.
He's as human as you and me, Oscar.
You tried to killed me.
Well, that's not true.
I'd never try and kill you.
Did every one take the
brown acid while I was gone?
Let's just calm down.
And put some fucking clothes on.
Come on Oz, stop fuckin' around.
Let's go toast some marshmallows.
Do I look like I'm fucking around!
(shovel thuds)
Really?
This is how you treat-
(shovel thuds)
Enough!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong with me,
something's wrong with them,
you just don't see it.
Listen, whatever's going on with you
we'll figure it out, okay.
We'll make it all right.
Look at me.
I'm not a threat, I'm a friend.
Give me the shovel, okay.
(hand thuds)
(Oscar screams)
I'm sorry I had to do that,
but you're acting lie a crazy bitch.
(suspenseful music)
OSCAR: Where'd they go?
Seriously, take the paranoia back a bit.
Let's just calm down
and try and find them.
(Oscar yells)
What did you do?
You're one of them aren't you?
Them?
There's no them, you're delusional.
I might be wrong but I'm
not taking any chances.
Please, please for pity's sake.
Please.
I know what I saw.
I'm not crazy.
I know you're not crazy.
But you are a bitch!
(Wilmer grunts)
(Oscar groaning)
(insects chirping)
You know you should really
learn to trust your instincts.
You were right, you're not crazy.
You're the chosen one.
And I'm sorry to say,
but being the chosen one really sucks.
(fist thuds)
(Oscar groans)
(eerie rock music)
(Oscar gasps)
OSCAR: What?
? Everything around me turned to stone ?
? Left with my heart broken ?
? I'm all alone ?
? Need to get outta here ?
? Clear up my mind ?
? Leave what's been hurting me ?
? Before I go blind ?
? Staring at the picture that
he's painted on the wall ?
? Watching these demons as ?
You don't belong here
? Everyone around me
underneath his wicked spell ?
? I'm drowning in blood ?
? As they drag me to hell ?
? Suddenly a spider is calling for me ?
? Scratching from the fangs ?
? And watching carefully ?
? Demonic horse flying
with a horn upon its head ?
? And far into the dark woods
I can see the living dead ?
(Evil Oscar laughing)
? The living dead ?
? Take me cabin ?
? Take me to the woods ?
? I'll chain you in the darkness ?
? Rot there for good ?
? You'll never have me
as your pure sacrifice ?
(Evil Oscar pops)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
? Staring at the picture
that he's painted ?
Come with me.
? Laughing as demons
try to tear up my soul ?
(rope creaking)
(ominous music)
(Oscar crying)
WILMER: (indistinct), I
brought the chosen one.
Hello, hello.
(water bubbling)
Aren't you one hell of a beautiful beast.
I bet you poop rainbows,
soft serve and all.
Wait a minute, this
isn't part of the plan.
(unicorn scoffing)
(Wilmer groaning)
(arrow thuds)
(Oscar screams)
(rock music)
(unicorn neighing)
? I see you watching every
little step or move I make ?
? Them big blue eyes, you shuffle size ?
? Taking stock of every
little rule you break ?
? If it's not tough enough ?
? To shake things up ?
? The why is all I'm thinking ?
? And my mind is sinking to
a whole new stinking level ?
? And you ?
? You start to scream ?
? Baby, stop playing baby ?
? Yeah, you drive me crazy ?
? Yeah, come on save me ?
? And I'll blow your mind ?
(suspenseful music)
Fine let's play it your way.
(Oscar grunts)
(painting scratching)
You, you're going down.
(fire crackling)
That's right, burn you little bastard.
Oh, you think, (laughs) you think do you.
Well, we'll just see about that.
(Oscar laughs)
Well, well, well, look what
we have here my friends.
Oh, this is sharp.
Very sharp.
Think we could probably have
a little bit of fun with this.
When I cut the fuck out of you.
Seriously?
Oscar, I know you can hear us.
(Rain screaming)
Oscar.
Oscar.
Come out, come out!
(rock music)
Bloody hell.
(door rattling)
Oscar.
(Bo growling)
(Bo laughing)
BO: Oscar.
? On and on the prophecy ?
Oscar.
(Bo and Rain growling)
? I think the time is now ?
? I think the time is now ?
(suspenseful music)
Come on then if you're coming.
(hand pounding)
Anybody!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Anybody there?
Now you've got five seconds, make it good.
I don't want no trouble.
I'm just looking for somewhere safe.
You gotta understand there's
somethin' bad out there.
Yeah, got that, something
real bad right out there
where you came from.
Now give me one good reason
why I shouldn't pin your head
up against this wall.
Three seconds, two seconds!
Don't kill me!
Give me your hands.
Huh?
Give me our hands!
Now you're gonna convince
me you're not one of them.
WHEELS: Who's one of them?
(arrow thuds)
Hell'd you do that for?
See a real person might of
screamed when that happened.
I can't feel anything in
me legs you fuckin' retard.
Why you think I'm in this chair?
Oh.
Well, I'll shoot you somewhere else then.
Are you crazy?
It's been suggested.
Where do you want it?
I don't want it anywhere.
I just wanna get out
of these fuckin' woods.
Bicep.
(arrow thuds)
(Wheels screams)
Holy shit!
You cunting fucktard!
I'm gonna kick your teeth down your throat
you motherfucking shit stain!
Goddamn!
Oh.
(ominous music)
She called you fat.
What?
She called you fat.
Did not.
She did.
I'm gonna get that bitch.
Come here.
In the chimney,
in the chimney, put it
right in the chimney.
In the chimney.
Yes, I know the chimney,
I said the chimney.
Come here.
(Wheels crying)
Oscar.
Coming to get you, Oscar.
What the hell is that?
That's one of them.
(Rain laughing)
WHEELS: What's one of them?
Them's part of the really bad out there.
(Rain humming)
Off we go!
(head thuds)
(head growling)
HEAD: Yum, yum.
(head laughing)
(fire sizzling)
What are, no, what are you doing?
Uh, uh.
That's not a good idea.
You don't get a vote.
Although, you may have a point.
(head growling)
What is that?
(Oscar screaming)
Where'd it go?
Cut me loose.
OSCAR: You're not going anywhere.
I can help.
You can't help, you're crippled.
(head growling)
(arrow thuds)
Well, at least I can
fuckin' shoot straight.
Shh, I'm hunting.
(Oscar grunts)
(head chattering)
Don't move.
What?
Just trust me.
(head grunting)
(wheels crying)
What are you doing?
It'll be fine.
I mean, I've seen this
done before on YouTube.
It's worked, it's, it's probably fine.
No.
Fuck off.
I'm smart, it's gonna be-
No.
It's not even
that sharp really.
No, stop!
Okay, close your eyes, ready okay.
No, no!
Three, two.
No!
One.
Oh my God, okay.
It's really, really freaking me out!
(Wheels screaming)
(head groaning)
WHEELS: The thing ain't dead.
Uh, we'll see about that.
(head groaning)
(microwave whirring)
(head explodes)
You explode, you evil demon
spider head piece of shit.
You don't mess with me people.
Are you seeing this it
totally just exploded?
It just went like phew.
That's right you little bastard.
You hear me I'll put your fucking head
in a bloody microwave.
Hello.
WHEELS: The painting.
I've seen it before
out by a pool of blood.
It's changed.
Yeah, it does that.
Earlier it was a picture
of you being dragged
into a pool of blood.
Did that happen for real?
Yeah, out there.
Same thing happened to my friends
and now they're demons.
So what's special about you?
(painting scratching)
Damn evil painting.
Maybe I could try burning it again.
Don't be stupid you know
that won't work you've already tried.
Maybe I could drop it in
that magic pool of blood.
Yes, but every time you try
to leave the stupid cabin
you just end up right
back where you started.
Well, you can't get away.
Maybe we could get the cripple to lead us.
The cripple.
We don't have another choice.
We're really going to trust the cripple.
That's our only option.
Okay, you're going to lead us
to that magic pool of blood
and then I'm gonna cut you loose, deal?
Yeah, no, put that away.
(ominous music)
Which way?
Through the forest here.
All right, let's go.
Bloody hell.
Goddamn, this would be
so much fucking easier
if you could walk you know.
Well, you can untie me.
OSCAR: Do you know how hard it is?
Grow a pair of legs for fuck's sake.
You could untie me you know.
It's not like I can run anywhere.
Fat chance.
Well, one of them things attacks us
I won't be able to defend myself.
You're not going to be able
to defend yourself anyway,
you're a cripple.
I can look after myself.
Well, then you haven't got anything
to worry about have you.
(animal growling)
What was that?
Come on, man, we're in this together.
There's no we here.
Besides I don't even know
if you're actually human.
Do you remember that old saying,
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice
I cut your fuckin' lips off.
(Wheels screaming)
Shh, I'm hunting.
Now which way.
(Bo chattering)
(indistinct).
Come get some of this ladies.
(Bo laughs)
Oz.
What was it like getting
sucked under all that blood?
Not a lot of fun.
Well, how'd you get out?
It just spat me out.
Right, but like what was under there?
You don't wanna know.
Actually I do.
Well, untie me, maybe I'll tell
(Oscar and Wheels screaming)
? Boing, boing, boing, boing ?
Oh my God, oh my God!
? I'm a kangaroo ?
? With a joey in me pouch ?
? You'll never find me sitting ?
? Or relaxing on the couch ?
What the fuck is that?
(Oscar groaning)
(Kangaroo growling)
(foot thuds)
(Oscar groans)
Holy shit!
(rock music)
(foot thuds)
Hit the fucking thing!
(fist thudding)
? I'm picking you up
just to throw you away ?
? I'll do what I have
to just to get my way ?
? At the end of the night
you're leaving with me ?
? Just how it is ?
? And how it always will be ?
(fist thuds)
Bad boy.
(fist thudding)
In the nuts, in the nuts!
? Raising me ?
Skippy-ki-ya motherfucker.
(suspenseful music)
That's cheating.
Rules are for chumps.
Do I look like a chump to you?
(arrow thuds)
WHEELS: Thanks.
How much fucking further to
this magic pool of blood?
It's just through there.
(forest creaking)
(water bubbling)
We actually made it.
Move.
So I guess I just chuck it in.
Well, what about the magic words first?
There's always magic fuckin' words.
There's no magic words.
She's right you know there's
always fuckin' magic words.
How am I meant to know
what the magic words are?
Well, won't you work that out?
OSCAR: We work out the magic words first
then I untie you.
We had a deal.
Well the deal's changed.
Ah, come on!
Them's the rules.
Fuckin' abracadabra.
OSCAR: You dipshit.
(Rain yelling)
(Rain laughing)
How's it hanging, Oz?
Ah.
Oh, I'm so glad
you came with us this weekend.
I always wanted to be a
minion of evil. (laughs)
Oh, and thank you, thank you
so much for shooting my fiance.
You know I really appreciate that.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, what's the matter, Oz?
No smart comments, no
sarcastic observations handy?
How's that superior attitude
working out for ya now?
Huh, huh, huh?
Hey!
(arrow whooshes)
(Oscar and Rain screaming)
Talk a lot don't ya.
Oscar, Oscar, what's happening?
Fool me once.
Oscar, Oscar!
(fist thuds)
(ominous music)
Oscar, why can't I move?
Oscar, help me.
Save it, I ain't falling for that again.
Oscar, Oscar, help please, please.
No, Oscar.
Spare me the crocodile tears, sweetheart.
RAIN: Oscar, what are you doing?
(Rain gasps)
(Oscar laughs)
Oh, yeah.
I know what you are.
RAIN: Please, please, why?
Yeah, yeah, cry, cry.
I didn't do anything.
Blah, blah.
Please, help me.
Uh, Rain.
Uh, she's faking it.
I mean you saw her just now, right?
She, she's, she's totally
faking it, I mean.
Come on, wakey-wakey.
Okay, well now I feel
like a totally asshole.
(Oscar screams)
(Rain laughing)
(Oscar groaning)
That's it no more mister nice guy.
Girl.
Girl, no more mister nice girl.
Oh no, a knife, oh me, oh
my, what will I do? (laughs)
Whatcha gonna do stab me? (laughs)
Go ahead.
I like it.
It tickles. (laughing)
Oh, Oscie, what's the matter?
You don't have the guts
to get a little bloody?
We'll see who's got the guts all right.
Oh, that's, ow, what are you doing?
Cut that out, cut it out.
No, that's wrong.
Oh, that's not natural, that's uncool.
Wait, wait, wait, that
should not be outside me.
Oh, no.
Wanna give me the words?
Oh, no.
Ow, that stings.
That stings.
Lay the magic words on me, bitch.
Oh, okay, okay, okay,
just quit it, you psycho.
Lay some magic words on me.
All right, all right, stop, I'll tell you.
Okay.
Okay.
The magic word, the magic word is,
abracadabra.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, you want some more do you?
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
What we got here?
Uh whoa, that should, that
should not be outside me.
That should, that should
definitely be inside me I think.
Hey, hey.
Do you know what-
Put, put it back.
I'm guessing if I stab
your beating heart it'll end you.
What do you think, am I right?
Should we, should we give it a go?
No, no, no, why do anything else?
No, no, no, okay.
Give me the magic words.
All right, all right,
I'll tell you just, just put
my heart back, all right.
Give me the words!
Klaatu barada necktie.
Necktie?
Necktie.
Bullshit.
No, no, no,
those are it, I'm tell
the truth, they are.
Klaatu barada.
Necktie.
OSCAR: Okay, we'll give it a shot.
Ah, hey, my heart. (giggles)
You mind popping it back in
the ol' chest area for me.
(suspenseful music)
Oh, you want this, do you?
(heart whooshes)
(arrow thuds)
(Rain gurgling)
Eat your heart out bitch.
All right, you got your
magic words, we had a deal.
Fine, whatever.
It's changed again.
Probably means something.
All right, whatever.
Klaatu barada.
(fist thuds)
For someone so smart
you're pretty fuckin' dumb.
Klaatu barada necktie,
who falls for that shit?
You moron.
Magic words, what are you 12?
Aside from that you did pretty
good I'll have to admit.
I mean you're the most promising yet.
That shit you just did with the intestine,
holy cow you are fully psycho.
Anyway, let's get on with it.
No magic words required, Oz.
It's about the blood.
It's always about the blood.
Your blood.
Bye bye.
(suspenseful music)
(Oscar gasps)
Hello, there.
I'm sure I don't have to
explain what's going on here.
He's telling you that
you didn't get the job,
but the job is yours.
What?
Are you the right sort of putter?
I don't know, am I?
Well, that's really not the question.
I mean there's only so much
we can tell from an interview.
Ultimately only you know if
you're the right man for the job
or if she is?
Who's she?
Who the fuck is she?
Oscar, meet Oscar.
(Evil Oscar laughs)
One of you is the right kind of putter
and one of you is surplus to requirements.
She's not me, I'm me.
Oh, she certainly is you
or part of you at least.
We all got a dark side
kiddo, and you (laughs).
Push the right buttons and
you go into the stratosphere.
No, I don't, I don't!
Oh, it's bit existential I know.
As quoted in the (speaks
in foreign language)
there can be only one.
So who gets the job and
who gets to die you or her?
You or her?
You fight, fight.
GROUP: Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.
(eerie rock music)
? Staring at the picture that
he's painting on the wall ?
? Laughing as demons
try to tear up my soul ?
? He had everyone around me ?
? He thinks he's got me ?
? You won't beat me Lucifer ?
(Oscar gasps)
(suspenseful music)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
I'm not evil.
I'm not evil.
I'm not fighting you.
I'm not fighting you.
Are you really just going
to repeat everything
I say in a silly voice?
Are you just going to repeat everything
I say in a silly voice? (laughs)
That's not evil, it's just retarded.
(foot thuds)
(Evil Oscar laughs)
(fist thuds)
(glass shatters)
(fist thudding)
(foot thuds)
(Oscar groans)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
Buh-bye. (laughing)
(light rock music)
? Using abusing ?
? Serpent in the grass ?
? Behind her crying eyes ?
? A dark and evil laugh ?
? Cold and cruel ?
We have a winner.
Let the summons commence.
? She's a evil an one ?
? And your heart gonna break ?
(group speaking in foreign language)
How does it feel Oz,
to know your evil side's the stronger?
All your life thinking
your someone that you're not.
(Evil Oz laughs)
You've never been anything,
anything but chosen.
(Evil Oscar laughing)
(unicorn neighs)
(unicorn snorting)
(unicorn whinnying)
(suspenseful music)
What's up, bitch?
(eerie rap music)
? Bitch ?
? You can call me Satan ?
? Bitch, what ?
? You've been fucking with my unicorn ?
? Traumatize, paralyze,
weepin' out your fuckin' eyes ?
? Say goodbye, maggot surprise,
and wrote your goodbye's ?
? Exorcizing demons from me ?
? You're the one, now I applaud ?
? Killing all these people with
out a cause, are you bored ?
? Make it rain with headless bodies ?
? Eat a brain and entertain ?
? Hurricane of pain's your fate ?
? You're gonna break ?
? He's talking full and hot ?
? And everybody's gonna die ?
? I love the sound of screaming ?
? And when everybody cries ?
? You raise hell, doing well ?
? Ring the bell ?
? Your time is up ?
? The time is now go tell ?
? What, what ?
(Oscar laughing)
Hey.
? First up your rap is crap ?
? Clap, clap, and a handicap ?
? I tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ?
? You'd like my head to
be dead in the basement ?
? Fuck with me and
you're gonna get wasted ?
? I'm insane, now I go crazy ?
? Get your fists up, don't get lazy ?
? Bitch, I'm gonna get you ?
? Wish I never met you ?
? Wish I never met you ?
? Now I'm gonna wreck you ?
I got just one more question.
What's that?
Can you eat a chainsaw?
(chainsaw buzzing)
(Oscar screaming)
(birds chirping)
I told you I'd make it.
(unicorn neighing)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic piano music)
(fire crackling)
(Oscar groans)
? Worry dies and less endeavors ?
? Forgotten advice ?
? Integrity weathers ?
? In comes the rain ?
? Out goes the tide ?
? In comes my pain ?
? There goes my pride ?
? You will walk alone ?
(bright ethereal music)
? Jesus ?
? Jesus ?
(bright ethereal music)
(woman vocalizing)
? Walk alone ?
? We all will soon go home ?
(fire crackling)
(wolf howling)
(suspenseful music)
(Kung Fu Virgin screams)
(foot thuds)
(Monk groans)
(foot thuds)
(Monk groans)
(Monk grunting)
(Monk screaming)
(foot thuds)
(Kung Fu Virgin groans)
(Kung Fu Virgin speaking
in foreign language)
(unicorn grunting)
(woman speaking in foreign language)
(unicorn neighs)
(unicorn neighs)
(Kung Fu Virgin groans)
(unicorn scoffing)
(ominous rock music)
(fire crackling)
? One, two, three, four ?
(rock music)
? Gotta tell me when
you're ready to rumble ?
? Gotta tell me when
you're ready to roll ?
? Find another way get into the cycle ?
? Find another way to get out of control ?
Find a, I'm sorry who wrote these lyrics?
Because it's just, it's
complete and utter ballsack.
I quite like the bit, the
bit I liked quite a lot
was when the music, it went up,
(Stoner snoring)
and then it went down, and then faster,
that piece, I liked it.
Does anyone in the actual
band like this song?
Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Well, no what if, what
if you guys dressed up
as instruments and then you dressed up
the instruments like people?
And then you could be
the first ever instrument
playing human, instrument
playing human band,
that's pretty sick.
(bong bubbling)
Where did you even come from?
(Stoner coughs)
Does, do we have anything else?
All right, we've been
working on a new one.
Oh, thank fuck.
BAND MEMBER: It's only rough,
it's just, just an idea.
Let's hear it.
Okay.
(ominous guitar music)
? Everyone thing around
me turned to stone ?
? Left to my heart broken all alone ?
? I need to get out of here ?
? Clear up my mind ?
? Leave what's been hurting me ?
? Before I go blind ?
STONER: That was amazing man.
It was like a fucking bag of AIDS.
I could, I could play it again.
No, please don't, otherwise
I'll have to strangle you
with your guitar strings.
Oscar, can I have a word in my office.
? Three, four ?
Take a seat.
Do you know how many
different kinds of putter
there are in the game of golf?
I've never felt like
that's something I might need to know.
There's blade putters,
center-shafted, mallet putters,
the list goes on.
Yes, it does rather.
Why do you think
there's so many different
types to choose from?
Umm.
Because it's important to
find the right kind of putter
to suit your individual style.
The correct tool to get the job done.
I'm sure you see where
I'm going with all this.
I wouldn't be too sure.
He's telling you that you're fired.
Got it, bravo!
I'm afraid you simple don't fit in, Oscar.
What?
Consider this an opportunity
to take the time to branch out.
Now my cousin Ramsey's place.
Don't ask for a discount, he's,
he's not my favorite cousin.
Too-da-loo, too-da-lo.
(rock music)
(ominous music)
(birds chirping)
(car horn honking)
(Oscar gasps)
(mellow rock music)
Must be Thursday.
(gentle rock music)
? Here comes another Monday ?
? Just lying here in bed ?
? Think I'll call in sick today ?
? Sit out on the front porch ?
? With my old guitar ?
? Just passing the time today ?
Stupid band, I don't need
those fuckers anyway.
Who the fuck needs to be in a band?
Just be a lead singer, fuck 'em.
Oh hey, Oz.
How was band practice?
OSCAR: Yeah, it was fucking brilliant.
I got kicked out, so that's great.
Ooh, steak knives.
OSCAR: Where's Tim, his car's not outside?
Yeah, he left just after you did.
OSCAR: Do you know where Misty is?
He took her with him.
Where's the sofa?
He took that too.
I thought it was odd at the time,
but you know Tim, he's
always rearranging things.
Balls.
Oh, Oz, he's run off on you hasn't he?
Fucking cockwomble.
Yeah, look don't worry about him.
He's a loser.
Look, you're free now.
You get to concentrate on your music.
You know be that awesome rock star
that you always wanted to be.
The band kicked me out.
Oh, right.
Wait here.
There is a silver lining.
What we have here is
an A-grade, cast iron,
and rock solid excuse to get
shitfaced on a school night.
(upbeat rock music)
? Gettin' called in the office ?
? Boss gotta talk to me ?
? He said times are tough ?
? And I'm gonna have to let you be ?
? I know that you were a good one ?
? And this really isn't very much fun ?
? But here's your pink slip ?
? And a little luck wish from me. ?
(suspenseful music)
(group speaking in foreign language)
I, I think I had too many martinis.
Martuni, martinis, what's a martuni?
Silence slum.
Let the summoning commence.
(thunder rumbling)
Uh, this is making me a
little bit uncomfortable.
Do you think we could have
like a safe word or something?
It's just-
It's about the blood, Oz.
(group speaking in foreign language)
Your blood, yes.
(chains rattling)
Hello, could somebody help me please?
Hello!
(unicorn grunting)
(group speaking in foreign language)
(Oscar groans)
You're up early?
It's 4:30.
In that case I'm going back to bed.
RAIN: No, you don't.
No, please. (groans)
Here, come on.
What, no.
Drink it.
It looks like mucus.
Drink.
Ah, it's smells like feet.
(Oscar groaning)
Drink it, it'll make you feel better.
See.
(Oscar coughs)
Yuck.
That is disgusting.
Are you going somewhere?
Oh, yeah, Bo and I, we're
doing a dirty weekend.
Who's Bo?
My fiance.
(laughs) Okay.
How much did we drink last night exactly?
Ah!
You should come with us.
Yeah.
No way.
Sounds like a terrible idea.
Besides I'd just be third wheeling anyway.
Oh, well I just might get
Bo to bring his hot cousin.
No, no, and no.
Self-pity and ice cream for me.
Besides where are you going anyway?
Uh, the place that you recommended.
I don't recommend places.
Recommending's like not my thing.
RAIN: Are you still drunk?
No.
On the fridge,
you put it there.
What's he look like anyway?
Huh.
Yeah.
Maybe I will come.
Oh.
Besides it's not exactly
like a weekend away
in a cabin in the woods is
gonna kill anyone is it?
? Please won't ya show me some jobs ?
? With a choice a human can have ?
? Without joining the mob ?
Uh, guys, seriously.
Driving here.
? Won't ya give me a job,
won't ya give me a job ?
Do you want me to drive for you?
Let's just get there as fast as we can.
(engine roars)
(metal pops)
? Kids at home and I'm about ?
Oh, balls.
? Think I'm gonna rob
a bank or something ?
(birds chirping)
WHEELS: Hold, hold, hold hold it.
Where?
What's, what's that?
Shoot it, shoot it!
Where?
Right there!
Where?
Oh, fuckin' follow my fingers, just shoot!
Oh yeah.
(arrow thuds)
Oh, you fuckin' missed.
What is wrong with you?
Fuck!
Ah, shut up.
I never fuckin' miss.
Shut up, you fuckin' did.
No, I fuckin' nicked it.
You didn't fuckin' nick it.
I did.
CAMERON: Where is it then?
If I didn't nick it why
did it take off like that?
Because it could hear the fuckin' arrow-
Stop!
What the fuck?
What in tarnation?
That is something you don't
fuckin' see every day.
Uh, no.
(suspenseful music)
(Wheels screams)
Holy shit, holy shit!
I got you.
Holy shit!
(Wheels screaming)
Fuck me.
(suspenseful music)
(eerie rock music)
? In the dark where no one goes ?
? She looked at him ?
? He's dead straight over here ?
? The lights went dark
and he left her for dead ?
Guys, stop.
It feels like we're exercising
and I don't do exercising.
BO: What are we supposed
to do get an Uber?
There is no reception here remember?
Oh, hey, there's a car.
Hey, hey, hey, I'll get it.
(car horn honking)
You fuckin' twat!
Fuckers!
(Driver laughing)
(car thuds)
Whoa!
Fuck!
? Her purse and got herself gone ?
Fuck me.
Better not of scratching
the fucking detail.
(Cameron groaning)
Just, just move you over
here, you'll be good.
(Driver humming)
(car door thuds)
(car engine roaring)
(suspenseful music)
(unicorn neighing)
(rock music)
Nice ride.
Need a ride.
Yeah, man, that' be great.
I've been hunting unicorns.
She's been hunting unicorns.
CAMERON: Where are ya going?
(laughs) Plenty of room, hop in.
? She looked at him the dead ?
(muffled signing)
? His lights went dark
and left her for dead ?
So are you from around these parts or?
Just passin' through?
(suspenseful music)
(Oscar gasps)
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm fine.
Is it far to go?
(eerie rock music)
? Won't ya tell me what you wanna do ?
? I can hardly find you ?
? Tell me where you're gonna be ?
? I can not see ?
BO: (indistinct).
(ominous music)
It's definitely not as advertised.
BO: All right people, keep
it moving, keep it moving.
Don't we need to check in first?
BO: Oh, no, there's a key under the mat.
Somewhere.
Wait, where'd she go?
WILMER: Who?
This is the place.
Perfect.
Oh, man, look at this rug.
Come check this rug out.
This thing's incredible.
(indistinct).
I assure you that's not necessary.
BO: Come get on this fur.
I'm just gonna watch.
(suspenseful music)
Thomas Dather, 15th century masterpiece,
summoning the unicorn.
It's classic.
OSCAR: It's ugly.
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder, Oscar.
You know it's said that this paining
is under a demon's curse.
Did they have wheelchairs
in the 15th century?
Uh, yeah, yeah, of course.
You know that's about the
time they were invented.
Come on, bar's open.
Come on boys, let's
get this party started.
(Cameron laughing)
(lips smacking)
(Wilmer coughing)
I've successfully set
the whole place on fire.
What else needs doing?
(laughs) everything.
WILMER: There's room for two.
Uh, I usually bathe solo.
Most things are better with a friend.
Bathing doubly so.
Look nothing personal, I
mean you seem like a nice guy
and everything, and-
It's cool.
Let's just go hang with Bo and Rain.
Okay, (laughs) safety in numbers, right.
This is much less awkward.
Spa actually, yeah.
(suspenseful music)
Yeah.
(Cameron laughing)
(unicorn neighing)
(unicorn snorting)
(rock music)
BO: Oh this rug feels like Satan.
(suspenseful music)
(water bubbling)
Well, that looks inviting.
(water splashing)
(Wilmer sighs)
(suspenseful music)
(Rain gasps)
What's wrong, what's wrong?
Baby, baby, talk to me, talk to me.
What's wrong?
Baby, baby.
(dramatic music)
(water bubbling)
(Wilmer groans)
Oh, God.
(Wilmer groans)
Whoa, steady on there sailor.
(Wilmer groaning)
(Oscar gasps)
(Wilmer groaning)
(Wilmer screams)
(Oscar gasps)
(Rain laughing)
(ominous music)
You good?
A centipede just crawled out of my dick,
I'm about as far from good as possible.
We should probably get you to a doctor.
Do you think?
We don't have a car though, do we?
How did we get here?
I don't know.
We need to get going, come on.
Also someone needs to check your penis.
Whoa.
Is that blood?
OSCAR: Rain.
Bo.
(painting creaking)
(suspenseful music)
(Rain grunting)
(Rain laughing)
(playful jazz music)
? Old street lights off the boulevard ?
? Seem to find a way for me ?
? Well, there's candles
at those joints outside ?
? Oh, that answers to my need ?
(Rain grunting)
(indistinct).
(Oscar groaning)
(Rain yells)
(bookshelf thuds)
(bookshelf thuds)
(Oscar screams)
I told you this getaway was a bad idea.
(fist thuds)
(Rain groans)
(Rain laughing)
(foot thuds)
(suspenseful music)
RAIN: I'm back.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, no you don't.
(Rain growling)
(Rain grunting)
Good.
(gentle country music)
? Wilderness, in the
wilderness, in the wilderness ?
? We'll lay down ?
? Far from death, not far from death ?
? Take me down up in your devil's thread ?
(insects chirping)
? Hellish wind, of a hellish wind ?
? A hellish wind gotta blow on me ?
? Take my land, take my land ?
? Fade to fade, oh fade back ?
? Send me back, send me back ?
(Oscar gasps)
(shovel thuds)
Oh, fuck, sorry.
Uh, are you okay?
No, you keep asking me, not really.
Where's Bo and Rain?
Where are they?
I'm gonna need
a lot more time to explain.
BO: Yo, what up cunts?
Dude, dudette
Ah, dude, pants.
BO: Ah, come on baby, give me a hug
you big hairy gay bird.
Don't come any closer
otherwise I'll knock your head clean off.
WILMER: Whoa, what the hell?
He's not human, trust me.
He's as human as you and me, Oscar.
You tried to killed me.
Well, that's not true.
I'd never try and kill you.
Did every one take the
brown acid while I was gone?
Let's just calm down.
And put some fucking clothes on.
Come on Oz, stop fuckin' around.
Let's go toast some marshmallows.
Do I look like I'm fucking around!
(shovel thuds)
Really?
This is how you treat-
(shovel thuds)
Enough!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong with me,
something's wrong with them,
you just don't see it.
Listen, whatever's going on with you
we'll figure it out, okay.
We'll make it all right.
Look at me.
I'm not a threat, I'm a friend.
Give me the shovel, okay.
(hand thuds)
(Oscar screams)
I'm sorry I had to do that,
but you're acting lie a crazy bitch.
(suspenseful music)
OSCAR: Where'd they go?
Seriously, take the paranoia back a bit.
Let's just calm down
and try and find them.
(Oscar yells)
What did you do?
You're one of them aren't you?
Them?
There's no them, you're delusional.
I might be wrong but I'm
not taking any chances.
Please, please for pity's sake.
Please.
I know what I saw.
I'm not crazy.
I know you're not crazy.
But you are a bitch!
(Wilmer grunts)
(Oscar groaning)
(insects chirping)
You know you should really
learn to trust your instincts.
You were right, you're not crazy.
You're the chosen one.
And I'm sorry to say,
but being the chosen one really sucks.
(fist thuds)
(Oscar groans)
(eerie rock music)
(Oscar gasps)
OSCAR: What?
? Everything around me turned to stone ?
? Left with my heart broken ?
? I'm all alone ?
? Need to get outta here ?
? Clear up my mind ?
? Leave what's been hurting me ?
? Before I go blind ?
? Staring at the picture that
he's painted on the wall ?
? Watching these demons as ?
You don't belong here
? Everyone around me
underneath his wicked spell ?
? I'm drowning in blood ?
? As they drag me to hell ?
? Suddenly a spider is calling for me ?
? Scratching from the fangs ?
? And watching carefully ?
? Demonic horse flying
with a horn upon its head ?
? And far into the dark woods
I can see the living dead ?
(Evil Oscar laughing)
? The living dead ?
? Take me cabin ?
? Take me to the woods ?
? I'll chain you in the darkness ?
? Rot there for good ?
? You'll never have me
as your pure sacrifice ?
(Evil Oscar pops)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
? Staring at the picture
that he's painted ?
Come with me.
? Laughing as demons
try to tear up my soul ?
(rope creaking)
(ominous music)
(Oscar crying)
WILMER: (indistinct), I
brought the chosen one.
Hello, hello.
(water bubbling)
Aren't you one hell of a beautiful beast.
I bet you poop rainbows,
soft serve and all.
Wait a minute, this
isn't part of the plan.
(unicorn scoffing)
(Wilmer groaning)
(arrow thuds)
(Oscar screams)
(rock music)
(unicorn neighing)
? I see you watching every
little step or move I make ?
? Them big blue eyes, you shuffle size ?
? Taking stock of every
little rule you break ?
? If it's not tough enough ?
? To shake things up ?
? The why is all I'm thinking ?
? And my mind is sinking to
a whole new stinking level ?
? And you ?
? You start to scream ?
? Baby, stop playing baby ?
? Yeah, you drive me crazy ?
? Yeah, come on save me ?
? And I'll blow your mind ?
(suspenseful music)
Fine let's play it your way.
(Oscar grunts)
(painting scratching)
You, you're going down.
(fire crackling)
That's right, burn you little bastard.
Oh, you think, (laughs) you think do you.
Well, we'll just see about that.
(Oscar laughs)
Well, well, well, look what
we have here my friends.
Oh, this is sharp.
Very sharp.
Think we could probably have
a little bit of fun with this.
When I cut the fuck out of you.
Seriously?
Oscar, I know you can hear us.
(Rain screaming)
Oscar.
Oscar.
Come out, come out!
(rock music)
Bloody hell.
(door rattling)
Oscar.
(Bo growling)
(Bo laughing)
BO: Oscar.
? On and on the prophecy ?
Oscar.
(Bo and Rain growling)
? I think the time is now ?
? I think the time is now ?
(suspenseful music)
Come on then if you're coming.
(hand pounding)
Anybody!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Let me in!
Anybody there?
Now you've got five seconds, make it good.
I don't want no trouble.
I'm just looking for somewhere safe.
You gotta understand there's
somethin' bad out there.
Yeah, got that, something
real bad right out there
where you came from.
Now give me one good reason
why I shouldn't pin your head
up against this wall.
Three seconds, two seconds!
Don't kill me!
Give me your hands.
Huh?
Give me our hands!
Now you're gonna convince
me you're not one of them.
WHEELS: Who's one of them?
(arrow thuds)
Hell'd you do that for?
See a real person might of
screamed when that happened.
I can't feel anything in
me legs you fuckin' retard.
Why you think I'm in this chair?
Oh.
Well, I'll shoot you somewhere else then.
Are you crazy?
It's been suggested.
Where do you want it?
I don't want it anywhere.
I just wanna get out
of these fuckin' woods.
Bicep.
(arrow thuds)
(Wheels screams)
Holy shit!
You cunting fucktard!
I'm gonna kick your teeth down your throat
you motherfucking shit stain!
Goddamn!
Oh.
(ominous music)
She called you fat.
What?
She called you fat.
Did not.
She did.
I'm gonna get that bitch.
Come here.
In the chimney,
in the chimney, put it
right in the chimney.
In the chimney.
Yes, I know the chimney,
I said the chimney.
Come here.
(Wheels crying)
Oscar.
Coming to get you, Oscar.
What the hell is that?
That's one of them.
(Rain laughing)
WHEELS: What's one of them?
Them's part of the really bad out there.
(Rain humming)
Off we go!
(head thuds)
(head growling)
HEAD: Yum, yum.
(head laughing)
(fire sizzling)
What are, no, what are you doing?
Uh, uh.
That's not a good idea.
You don't get a vote.
Although, you may have a point.
(head growling)
What is that?
(Oscar screaming)
Where'd it go?
Cut me loose.
OSCAR: You're not going anywhere.
I can help.
You can't help, you're crippled.
(head growling)
(arrow thuds)
Well, at least I can
fuckin' shoot straight.
Shh, I'm hunting.
(Oscar grunts)
(head chattering)
Don't move.
What?
Just trust me.
(head grunting)
(wheels crying)
What are you doing?
It'll be fine.
I mean, I've seen this
done before on YouTube.
It's worked, it's, it's probably fine.
No.
Fuck off.
I'm smart, it's gonna be-
No.
It's not even
that sharp really.
No, stop!
Okay, close your eyes, ready okay.
No, no!
Three, two.
No!
One.
Oh my God, okay.
It's really, really freaking me out!
(Wheels screaming)
(head groaning)
WHEELS: The thing ain't dead.
Uh, we'll see about that.
(head groaning)
(microwave whirring)
(head explodes)
You explode, you evil demon
spider head piece of shit.
You don't mess with me people.
Are you seeing this it
totally just exploded?
It just went like phew.
That's right you little bastard.
You hear me I'll put your fucking head
in a bloody microwave.
Hello.
WHEELS: The painting.
I've seen it before
out by a pool of blood.
It's changed.
Yeah, it does that.
Earlier it was a picture
of you being dragged
into a pool of blood.
Did that happen for real?
Yeah, out there.
Same thing happened to my friends
and now they're demons.
So what's special about you?
(painting scratching)
Damn evil painting.
Maybe I could try burning it again.
Don't be stupid you know
that won't work you've already tried.
Maybe I could drop it in
that magic pool of blood.
Yes, but every time you try
to leave the stupid cabin
you just end up right
back where you started.
Well, you can't get away.
Maybe we could get the cripple to lead us.
The cripple.
We don't have another choice.
We're really going to trust the cripple.
That's our only option.
Okay, you're going to lead us
to that magic pool of blood
and then I'm gonna cut you loose, deal?
Yeah, no, put that away.
(ominous music)
Which way?
Through the forest here.
All right, let's go.
Bloody hell.
Goddamn, this would be
so much fucking easier
if you could walk you know.
Well, you can untie me.
OSCAR: Do you know how hard it is?
Grow a pair of legs for fuck's sake.
You could untie me you know.
It's not like I can run anywhere.
Fat chance.
Well, one of them things attacks us
I won't be able to defend myself.
You're not going to be able
to defend yourself anyway,
you're a cripple.
I can look after myself.
Well, then you haven't got anything
to worry about have you.
(animal growling)
What was that?
Come on, man, we're in this together.
There's no we here.
Besides I don't even know
if you're actually human.
Do you remember that old saying,
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice
I cut your fuckin' lips off.
(Wheels screaming)
Shh, I'm hunting.
Now which way.
(Bo chattering)
(indistinct).
Come get some of this ladies.
(Bo laughs)
Oz.
What was it like getting
sucked under all that blood?
Not a lot of fun.
Well, how'd you get out?
It just spat me out.
Right, but like what was under there?
You don't wanna know.
Actually I do.
Well, untie me, maybe I'll tell
(Oscar and Wheels screaming)
? Boing, boing, boing, boing ?
Oh my God, oh my God!
? I'm a kangaroo ?
? With a joey in me pouch ?
? You'll never find me sitting ?
? Or relaxing on the couch ?
What the fuck is that?
(Oscar groaning)
(Kangaroo growling)
(foot thuds)
(Oscar groans)
Holy shit!
(rock music)
(foot thuds)
Hit the fucking thing!
(fist thudding)
? I'm picking you up
just to throw you away ?
? I'll do what I have
to just to get my way ?
? At the end of the night
you're leaving with me ?
? Just how it is ?
? And how it always will be ?
(fist thuds)
Bad boy.
(fist thudding)
In the nuts, in the nuts!
? Raising me ?
Skippy-ki-ya motherfucker.
(suspenseful music)
That's cheating.
Rules are for chumps.
Do I look like a chump to you?
(arrow thuds)
WHEELS: Thanks.
How much fucking further to
this magic pool of blood?
It's just through there.
(forest creaking)
(water bubbling)
We actually made it.
Move.
So I guess I just chuck it in.
Well, what about the magic words first?
There's always magic fuckin' words.
There's no magic words.
She's right you know there's
always fuckin' magic words.
How am I meant to know
what the magic words are?
Well, won't you work that out?
OSCAR: We work out the magic words first
then I untie you.
We had a deal.
Well the deal's changed.
Ah, come on!
Them's the rules.
Fuckin' abracadabra.
OSCAR: You dipshit.
(Rain yelling)
(Rain laughing)
How's it hanging, Oz?
Ah.
Oh, I'm so glad
you came with us this weekend.
I always wanted to be a
minion of evil. (laughs)
Oh, and thank you, thank you
so much for shooting my fiance.
You know I really appreciate that.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, what's the matter, Oz?
No smart comments, no
sarcastic observations handy?
How's that superior attitude
working out for ya now?
Huh, huh, huh?
Hey!
(arrow whooshes)
(Oscar and Rain screaming)
Talk a lot don't ya.
Oscar, Oscar, what's happening?
Fool me once.
Oscar, Oscar!
(fist thuds)
(ominous music)
Oscar, why can't I move?
Oscar, help me.
Save it, I ain't falling for that again.
Oscar, Oscar, help please, please.
No, Oscar.
Spare me the crocodile tears, sweetheart.
RAIN: Oscar, what are you doing?
(Rain gasps)
(Oscar laughs)
Oh, yeah.
I know what you are.
RAIN: Please, please, why?
Yeah, yeah, cry, cry.
I didn't do anything.
Blah, blah.
Please, help me.
Uh, Rain.
Uh, she's faking it.
I mean you saw her just now, right?
She, she's, she's totally
faking it, I mean.
Come on, wakey-wakey.
Okay, well now I feel
like a totally asshole.
(Oscar screams)
(Rain laughing)
(Oscar groaning)
That's it no more mister nice guy.
Girl.
Girl, no more mister nice girl.
Oh no, a knife, oh me, oh
my, what will I do? (laughs)
Whatcha gonna do stab me? (laughs)
Go ahead.
I like it.
It tickles. (laughing)
Oh, Oscie, what's the matter?
You don't have the guts
to get a little bloody?
We'll see who's got the guts all right.
Oh, that's, ow, what are you doing?
Cut that out, cut it out.
No, that's wrong.
Oh, that's not natural, that's uncool.
Wait, wait, wait, that
should not be outside me.
Oh, no.
Wanna give me the words?
Oh, no.
Ow, that stings.
That stings.
Lay the magic words on me, bitch.
Oh, okay, okay, okay,
just quit it, you psycho.
Lay some magic words on me.
All right, all right, stop, I'll tell you.
Okay.
Okay.
The magic word, the magic word is,
abracadabra.
(Rain laughs)
Oh, you want some more do you?
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
What we got here?
Uh whoa, that should, that
should not be outside me.
That should, that should
definitely be inside me I think.
Hey, hey.
Do you know what-
Put, put it back.
I'm guessing if I stab
your beating heart it'll end you.
What do you think, am I right?
Should we, should we give it a go?
No, no, no, why do anything else?
No, no, no, okay.
Give me the magic words.
All right, all right,
I'll tell you just, just put
my heart back, all right.
Give me the words!
Klaatu barada necktie.
Necktie?
Necktie.
Bullshit.
No, no, no,
those are it, I'm tell
the truth, they are.
Klaatu barada.
Necktie.
OSCAR: Okay, we'll give it a shot.
Ah, hey, my heart. (giggles)
You mind popping it back in
the ol' chest area for me.
(suspenseful music)
Oh, you want this, do you?
(heart whooshes)
(arrow thuds)
(Rain gurgling)
Eat your heart out bitch.
All right, you got your
magic words, we had a deal.
Fine, whatever.
It's changed again.
Probably means something.
All right, whatever.
Klaatu barada.
(fist thuds)
For someone so smart
you're pretty fuckin' dumb.
Klaatu barada necktie,
who falls for that shit?
You moron.
Magic words, what are you 12?
Aside from that you did pretty
good I'll have to admit.
I mean you're the most promising yet.
That shit you just did with the intestine,
holy cow you are fully psycho.
Anyway, let's get on with it.
No magic words required, Oz.
It's about the blood.
It's always about the blood.
Your blood.
Bye bye.
(suspenseful music)
(Oscar gasps)
Hello, there.
I'm sure I don't have to
explain what's going on here.
He's telling you that
you didn't get the job,
but the job is yours.
What?
Are you the right sort of putter?
I don't know, am I?
Well, that's really not the question.
I mean there's only so much
we can tell from an interview.
Ultimately only you know if
you're the right man for the job
or if she is?
Who's she?
Who the fuck is she?
Oscar, meet Oscar.
(Evil Oscar laughs)
One of you is the right kind of putter
and one of you is surplus to requirements.
She's not me, I'm me.
Oh, she certainly is you
or part of you at least.
We all got a dark side
kiddo, and you (laughs).
Push the right buttons and
you go into the stratosphere.
No, I don't, I don't!
Oh, it's bit existential I know.
As quoted in the (speaks
in foreign language)
there can be only one.
So who gets the job and
who gets to die you or her?
You or her?
You fight, fight.
GROUP: Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.
(eerie rock music)
? Staring at the picture that
he's painting on the wall ?
? Laughing as demons
try to tear up my soul ?
? He had everyone around me ?
? He thinks he's got me ?
? You won't beat me Lucifer ?
(Oscar gasps)
(suspenseful music)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
I'm not evil.
I'm not evil.
I'm not fighting you.
I'm not fighting you.
Are you really just going
to repeat everything
I say in a silly voice?
Are you just going to repeat everything
I say in a silly voice? (laughs)
That's not evil, it's just retarded.
(foot thuds)
(Evil Oscar laughs)
(fist thuds)
(glass shatters)
(fist thudding)
(foot thuds)
(Oscar groans)
(Evil Oscar laughing)
Buh-bye. (laughing)
(light rock music)
? Using abusing ?
? Serpent in the grass ?
? Behind her crying eyes ?
? A dark and evil laugh ?
? Cold and cruel ?
We have a winner.
Let the summons commence.
? She's a evil an one ?
? And your heart gonna break ?
(group speaking in foreign language)
How does it feel Oz,
to know your evil side's the stronger?
All your life thinking
your someone that you're not.
(Evil Oz laughs)
You've never been anything,
anything but chosen.
(Evil Oscar laughing)
(unicorn neighs)
(unicorn snorting)
(unicorn whinnying)
(suspenseful music)
What's up, bitch?
(eerie rap music)
? Bitch ?
? You can call me Satan ?
? Bitch, what ?
? You've been fucking with my unicorn ?
? Traumatize, paralyze,
weepin' out your fuckin' eyes ?
? Say goodbye, maggot surprise,
and wrote your goodbye's ?
? Exorcizing demons from me ?
? You're the one, now I applaud ?
? Killing all these people with
out a cause, are you bored ?
? Make it rain with headless bodies ?
? Eat a brain and entertain ?
? Hurricane of pain's your fate ?
? You're gonna break ?
? He's talking full and hot ?
? And everybody's gonna die ?
? I love the sound of screaming ?
? And when everybody cries ?
? You raise hell, doing well ?
? Ring the bell ?
? Your time is up ?
? The time is now go tell ?
? What, what ?
(Oscar laughing)
Hey.
? First up your rap is crap ?
? Clap, clap, and a handicap ?
? I tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ?
? So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ?
? You'd like my head to
be dead in the basement ?
? Fuck with me and
you're gonna get wasted ?
? I'm insane, now I go crazy ?
? Get your fists up, don't get lazy ?
? Bitch, I'm gonna get you ?
? Wish I never met you ?
? Wish I never met you ?
? Now I'm gonna wreck you ?
I got just one more question.
What's that?
Can you eat a chainsaw?
(chainsaw buzzing)
(Oscar screaming)
(birds chirping)
I told you I'd make it.
(unicorn neighing)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic piano music)
(fire crackling)
(Oscar groans)
? Worry dies and less endeavors ?
? Forgotten advice ?
? Integrity weathers ?
? In comes the rain ?
? Out goes the tide ?
? In comes my pain ?
? There goes my pride ?
? You will walk alone ?
(bright ethereal music)
? Jesus ?
? Jesus ?
(bright ethereal music)
(woman vocalizing)
? Walk alone ?
? We all will soon go home ?