Creator (1985) - full transcript
Dr. Harry Wolper is a character. First he steals Boris, a new student assistant by promising him a co-ed's phone number. Then he hijacks new high tech equipment for his own research, confusing the other university researchers who can't see "the big picture." Harry has a plan, he wants to clone his dead wife, but first he needs an egg and a host. He mounts his search by stapling notices to every telephone pole in town from his bike, which is how he meets Mili. As the year progresses, he sees Boris' romance follow the same pattern as his own, twenty-five years ago.
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
Good morning, Harry.
Good morning, Brewster.
Good morning, Pavlo.
Good morning, Harry.
Sid wants a sequencer.
He asked me to get your
signature on this paper.
He's on duty in the
emergency room this week.
I hate paperwork.
I sympathize with
you Harry, and any time
that you'd like to give up
control of 800,000 bucks
in funding, I'm
sure Sid'll be very
happy to take over for you.
Another of the dilemmas in
which we are all, Pavolo,
is that are too many damn
machines around here.
We're all missing
the big picture.
Please, Harry, not today.
Just sign the paper, OK?
A sequencer?
But Sid doesn't need
a sequencer, Pavlo.
Once he's done the labeling
his experiment is over,
and he doesn't have
the room for it anyway.
Oh, he put all of
his animals in my lab.
Sid may have the only
biology lab in the world
that has nothing alive in it.
I'll tell Sid it's
on your desk, Harry.
Pavlo, tell Sid,
the big picture.
Morning, Mrs, Pruitt.
How are we today?
We're splendid, Dr. Wolper.
Ready, set, go.
Dr. Novak called, he says
that your proposed address
of the medical
congress on the profit
incentive and misdiagnosis is
really not very funny at all.
He wants a new
title, and he says
for you to, quote "come
off it, stop the nonsense,
and" et cetera, et cetera.
I am at a very delicate stage
in my research, Mrs. Pruitt.
Any news on that student
assistant I want?
Oh, yes.
Mrs. Gonzalez from
the registrar's office
called with regard to your
request for another slave
and wanted me to remind you that
she is still waiting to hear
why exactly is it
that you permitted
Dennis Scoffman to submit the
Bible for his dissertation.
Quote, "it will be
a cold day in hell
before I subject
another graduate student
to the kind of zoo
that," and then she
started speaking in Spanish.
Tell Mrs. Gonzalez I
want someone serious-minded
but with some life in him.
[whirring sound]
BORIS (ON RECORDING): (IN
FEMININE TONE) Wake up.
I want you so much.
Take my body, Boris.
I'm yours.
(RETURNS TO NORMAL VOICE)
If you ever wake up, Lafkin.
Let's go, move your ass.
Time to resume your quest
for the ultimate female.
[robot playing music]
Countdown.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Today is September 1st,
young master Lafkin.
On this date in history, Mozart
completed his 3th symphony.
Mozart was most likely
eight years old at the time.
So far, what have you done
with your life, Lafkin?
Have you even answered
one cosmic question?
Have you discovered
the meaning of life?
Have you at least picked
up your clean laundry,
which was ready last week.
You look less than
happy today, Paul.
Well, there's been a lot of
talk about how happy we'd all
be if you were transferred out
to Northfield with the rest
of the old codgers.
They've been giving me a
rough time of it, Harry.
But you're so very good at
surviving rough times, Paul.
That's how you got
to be chairmen.
PAUL: So what's new?
I'm close to a major
breakthrough, Paul.
Oh?
I'm near I need a
personal student assistant.
Well, don't they count?
Well, they're near graduation.
I need a fresh, new kid.
Preferably someone who's
never heard of you, hmm?
Mm.
BORIS (ON RECORDING):
Xeno's paradox
for today, if guys
are always doing it
and girls are never doing
it, how does it ever happen?
And When, exactly was the last
time you got laid, Lafkin?
You keep holding out
for that special lady
to bring you the Brady
Bunch, and you'll
be 105 before you do it again.
All the Spanish Fly in the
world won't get up your pecker.
I'm not that patient, Lafkin.
I want my vacuum cleaner.
For three years now
you've been promising
me this gorgeous Hoover.
I want my Hoover, Lafkin.
I want my Hoover now.
We're supposed to be getting
our lives together, Lafkin.
And forget it if you
think graduate school is
going to make one damn
bit of difference.
Graduate school--
[robot fading out]
[background chatter]
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
When did you get back?
About a week to go.
Who'd you get for
physiology, Kullenbeck?
No.
I'm not in a single one
of his classes this year.
Isn't that great?
BARBARA: You lucked out.
BORIS: Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Dr. Kullenbeck's lab.
"Cool-en-beck."
Kullenbeck, right.
Do you know--
He's downstairs,
end of the hall.
Oh, great, because
he's my new advisor.
Did you say Dr.
Sid Kullenbeck?
Right.
Yeah.
I'm sure I'll find him.
Were you to be his
new student graduate?
Yeah.
Pretty girl.
Oh, dear.
Dr. Kullenbeck can't take
on any new graduate students
for a while, he's
just run out of money.
I just spent six hours in
line at the registration.
HARRY: Well, come here to
me and your luck may change.
It happens that I have an
opening for one student.
Thank you.
HARRY: Not at all.
Dr. Wolper.
Harry.
Oh, you have to
approve my course card.
Well, Boris, you can forget
Kepplmen's Chemistry 300,
Bernestein's Physiology 211,
Wolch's Microbiology 245,
and whatever you learn of
Cavelli's Genetics 101 will
be redundant by the final exam.
Dr. Wolper, I have to take
at least 12 credits to--
Harry.
You worry far too much.
Watch-- Introduction to The
Big Picture, 12 credits.
That's it?
One course in The Big
Picture, 12 credits?
It's very big.
12 credits probably
isn't enough it's so big.
I think I'll go back
down to registration.
HARRY: There are no exams.
Grades ares based on
interest and participation.
It's OK with me, I like exams.
My assistantships pay 3,500.
So do everybody else's.
Also, I know the name of the
girl you followed into the lab.
I need to think.
Think there.
OK, Harry, where
the hell is the?
Doctor Kullenbeck.
Cut the Dr.
Kullenbeck back crap.
Where the hell is my
new graduate student?
I'm paying him.
I own his ass.
Oh, no you don't, Sid.
You have just blown the last
of your money on a sequencer.
(GRUMBLING) Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You didn't tell me
I was out of money.
Did you ask?
Come on, Harry, I need him.
I'm running a tight, well-oiled
machine over in my lab,
and every insignificant
little cog counts.
Now, where the hell
is the little fucker?
The little fucker
is over here, sir.
Good God, he's prime,
grade A material,
and you stole him, Harry.
He stole you, didn't he, kid?
Well, the truth is, sir, that
ever since I was a little kid,
I've been dreaming of working
with Doctor Wolper one day.
It's true, he did steal me.
But not today-- he
captured my heart
long ago when I first
heard of his wonderful work
with the Guinea Pig.
Rabbit.
Rabbit.
Harry, I'm going to lay
you whale shit for this.
[laughter]
Welcome.
MRS. MALLORY: That's it.
That's it.
Good, good.
HARRY: --cell dance merrily
around the centrifuge.
Add cassium, or maybe
cyclic AMP, and lo,
new romances are flourishing
between enzymes and proteins.
Mrs. Mallory, this Boris Lafkin.
Over the next few years we will
be making him in our image.
So see that the boy eats well.
Hello, Mrs. Mallory.
Nice to me you.
Humph.
[music playing]
You've got two labs?
HARRY: Each has its place.
At the University I try to
please the federal government.
Here I negotiate with God.
What do use these animals for?
Companionship.
I feed them, they
keep me company.
Are you hungry, Boris?
Not really.
What are you working on now?
Lucy.
Lucy?
What does Lucy stand for?
HARRY: It stands
for my late wife.
Since she died,
30 years ago, I've
been cultivating her cells.
Each nucleus has the
information to make
an exact duplicate of her.
Would you like to see her?
Nah, I don't want to see her.
I'd like to get back on
the registration line.
Her picture.
BORIS: She was something.
HARRY: She was-- everything.
You are going to get me in
a lot of trouble, aren't you?
[music playing]
Look, Harry, one night a
week, from now on, I need a bed.
You know, mattresses with
pillows and sheets and stuff.
I will not encourage
slothfulness, Boris.
Look, the first day of classes.
Undergraduate graduate
female bottoms
as far as the eye can see.
Look, Harry, I want to
know the name of the girl
I followed into your lab.
In two weeks time, all
the really choice bottoms
will be in the hands, so to
speak, of the varsity athletes.
I'm not interested
in her anatomy, Harry.
I mean, I want someone special.
If we click, her ass can
sag a little here and there,
I don't mind.
Now, what's the girl's name.
Lucy had a devastating bottom.
Good for Lucy.
Harry, what's-- you don't
know her name, do you?
Help!
Help!
Come on, Boris.
Sides on duty.
You are about to have
another wonderful
educational experience.
No, I'm not, Harry.
I can't.
SID: This isn't a person.
This is a monkey.
The most important
step in diagnosis,
determine the species
of your patient.
SID: I'm not going
to treat a monkey.
It's like a child to me.
Give me hand, Sid, and
we'll have this fellow
out of here in no time at all.
Boris, I need your help.
SID: No, No!
Harry, under no
condition shall a patient
received treatment without
full and informed consent
in writing.
Hand me that
hypodermic, Boris.
I don't want this
fellow waking up.
And a standard razor.
Harry, be reasonable.
No!
Look, we don't want word
to get around that we
are treating monkeys now.
One of God's creatures, Sid.
Don't start on God
in the cosmos again.
God, no.
Here, Boris, you see an
example of how academic
medicine can lead
to total paralysis.
No more action-- it's
look, watch, test.
Take Sid, we're all
becoming voyeurs,
leering through
microscopic keyholes
and drooling over
biological bottoms and tits.
Give it a rest,
Harry, will ya?
I tell you, Boris,
that one of these days
we will look in our
microscopes and find ourselves
staring right into God's eyes.
And the first one who blinks
is going to lose his testicles.
Come on, Boris, let's operate.
You are absolutely
crazy, Harry.
If you cut into that monkey
in my operating room,
and I swear to God, I'll
have your butt out of here
before the end of the semester.
You too, you little, smart-ass.
Fair warning, you cut that
monkey and it's all over.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Oh, no, no, no.
Boris--
[snoring]
Boris!
What?
This cell that you
gave me has no intention
of ever growing into Lucy.
It just looked like
another cell to me, Harry.
How am I supposed to know
what its intentions are?
All right, which one of you guys
wants to grow into Lucy Wolper?
Ah, yes, the bright,
cheerful cell on the right.
Watch out, Harry, she's
very enthusiastic.
Better.
Much.
Thank you.
You know, Harry--
Amino acids.
We're very close to
getting Lucy back,
but her amino acids are
not in the right sequence.
How do we get her amino acids
in the right sequence, Harry?
We get her a sequencer, Boris.
We do?
We do.
And I fancy I know
where we can find one.
Come on, Sancho.
[music playing]
It must be tough fixing
these things, huh, Dr. Wolper?
Very tough.
It could take months.
Well, that'll do it.
Good night, Dr. Wolper.
Sorry about pulling the guns.
Harry, you know, we could
go to jail for something
like this.
If we don't get killed first.
Science is a global
enterprise, Boris.
It's all community property.
Does Dr. Kullenbeck
know that, Harry?
Let me tell you something
about regrowing your dead wife,
Lucy, Harry.
It's probably illegal,
potentially dangerous,
and definitely crazy.
Good morning, Dr. Wolper.
Good morning.
In regard to your escapade
in the emergency room,
doctor Wittier has
asked me to inform you
that your surgical privileges
are now restricted,
and that if you, quote, "even
look at another non-human
in his hospital, he
will have your rear end
out in Northfield before you
can even," et cetera, et cetera.
The fall of of justice
is terrible swift
around here, Mrs. Pruitt.
Isn't it.
Along those lines,
I have been asked
to deliver the annual plea
on behalf of our department.
Quote, "this semester, you
will be presenting our grants
to the site review committee.
The money from these grants pays
for the salaries of absolutely
everyone, myself included.
Husbands, wives, small children,
mothers, and their pets
are counting that your personal
urges and obsessions will
temporarily be set aside
in order to benefit
the" et cetera, et cetera.
Ah, yes, money.
Moving right
along, Mrs. Gonzales
asked me to convey her
displeasure at Boris
Lafkin's kidnapping and
wants me to tell you,
you will get yours.
No good quotes in English.
[chatter]
LAB STUDENT: Harry,
do you remember
the DNA cloning experiment?
Uh-huh.
[laughter]
I have found the big picture.
And it's so big, so bloody big.
[laughter]
My dad's dead.
Oh.
[waves rolling]
Then my mom got sick.
Everything we owned went
in to trying to save here.
I hate funerals.
I'm glad you came.
You know what keeps going
around and around in my head?
How I never--
I never thought
much of my father.
I never liked the way he looked.
I never thought he said the
things I wanted him to tell me.
Never liked the jobs he had.
And now, I just want him
back, just the way he was.
HARRY: I looked behind
into the room, right there.
And there was Lucy, stark naked
and pregnant as a pelican,
holding her Miss New Jersey
bathing suit, tears tumbling
down her face because she
couldn't fit into her swimsuit
anymore, her girlhood
gone forever.
And I think I loved her more
at that moment than I thought
it was possible to love anyone.
I really hope you
get her back, Harry.
I'm sorry you
lost your father.
[music playing]
[waves crashing into shore]
BORIS: Hey, Harry,
want to come up?
It's a nice night.
Nearer, my God, to thee.
It's said, Boris, that
when science finally
peers over the crest
of the mountain,
it will find that religion has
been sitting there all along.
Do you really believe in God?
Yes, Boris, I believe in God.
I'm not sure what I believe.
You know what I want more than
anything in the world, Harry?
HARRY: What?
I want to be like you.
I want to know as much as
I can about everything.
I want to understand people.
I want to believe in God.
I want to know what
makes life have meaning.
I'm not sure that the planet
Earth is ready for two of me.
You know what happened
the other night?
I was dreaming
about you and Lucy.
How you met at the beach
and how much you loved
each other and everything.
I woke up, and I was crying.
All these tears were just--
I want to love someone like
that so bad, Harry, it hurts.
Barbara Spencer.
What?
Well, it's not
much, but it's all
I have for you at the moment.
What is?
The name of the girl
you followed into the lab.
It's Barbara Spencer.
Here, let me give
you a hand with that.
BARBARA: No, that's OK.
I have it.
No, no, no no.
It's nothing, really.
It's nothing.
It's all a matter of leverage.
Yeah.
But-- um.
You see, there's
nothing to it.
[music playing]
BARBARA: Um, it just up here.
Up here.
[grunts]
It's just a little
bit-- just up here.
A little bit farther.
Sorry.
[grunting]
You really didn't
have to do that.
That's OK.
Leverage.
Oh, Penelope,
don't be a bad girl.
[meowing]
Ulysses!
Classics major, huh?
No, biology.
BORIS: Really?
I am too.
I'm in-- whoa!
Oh, are you OK?
I lost the leverage.
Holy shit.
BARBARA: Don't do
that Agamemnon!
HARRY: Don't you
do that Agamemnon!
Whoa!
BARBARA: Oh!
Are you OK?
Oh, no.
Oh, this is Larry, my roommate.
And this is--
BORIS: Boris.
Boris.
Love is dead, Harry.
How depressing.
Never mind, Boris, women's
liberation will run its course
and we will prevail.
Stone cold dead.
Which reminds me, Dr.
Kullenbeck wants to see you.
Damn it.
What now?
Hey, Boris, glad you
could make the time.
Try a 3K test on those.
LAB HELPER: OK.
Take a look at these results.
This little fellow
will do covariance,
multiple regression, path
analysis in one pass.
It is smarter than God.
If this thing told me to quit my
job and lead a tribe of Ubangis
across the desert,
I'd have to give
it very serious consideration.
It's a nice system,
Dr. Kullenbeck.
SID: Sid.
Yeah, it is.
I got it to run
the new sequencer.
The sequencer's
gone, disappeared.
Poof.
Hey, why don't we
play some racquetball.
Well, I really don't
play racquetball, Sid.
Boris, I wear a number
of hats around here--
scientist, physician, friend
and confidant to my students.
But right now, I want to talk to
you in my capacity as chairman
of your degree committee.
Harry's never understood that
there is no big picture, Boris,
just a lot of little pictures.
Reduce everything to its most
elemental form, molecules.
And then, you know
what it all means?
HARRY: That's a really
neat theory, Sid.
I'd like to go home
and think about.
SID: So, tell me,
Boris, what's going on
out there in Harry's backyard.
Backyard?
Yeah.
You know, little place
out behind the house,
little shack where most people
grow plants, pot tomatoes.
Unless, of course, you're Harry
Wolper, and then who knows what
hell's being potted out there.
You got me, Sid.
I will, Boris.
I will.
[yelling]
How many laps was that?
Uh, 100, Sid.
10 raised to the second power.
How many did
you do altogether?
Altogether-- three, Sid.
Can I go home now, I'm
kind of jocked out.
No, come on.
Bottom line.
Thank God.
Harry Wolper is crazy,
and I want him out of here.
Transferring him
out to Northfield
with the other old farts
is probably the easiest
way to get rid of him.
But sooner or
later, you are going
to tell me what he's doing
out in his back yard,
or so help me God, I'm
going to squeeze your nuts
until they crack wide open.
Forget it!
I'm not going to help
you get rid of Harry.
You just don't like
him because he's
the only one around here who
cares about the big picture.
What the fuck is
the big picture?!
I don't know what the
fuck the big picture is!
And one of these days, when
Harry thinks I'm ready,
he's going to tell me.
Now, leave me alone.
I know what I'm doing.
[women screaming]
[laughter]
When Lucy and I first met,
Paul, the world was a pet.
It came along with us wherever
we went, like a good dog.
Obedient, loyal, friendly.
The world responded
to our commands.
Remember?
Mm-hmm.
I need an egg, Paul.
What kind of egg?
A human egg--
a live one.
If I can put the nucleus
from one of Lucy's cells
in place of the nucleus from an
ovum, it will grow into Lucy.
I need an egg, Paul.
Oh, come one.
Harry, how hell are
you going to get
some girl to give you her egg?
Advertise?
[chuckles]
[music playing]
Why didn't you take out a
full page ad in "The Times?"
They wanted a minimum run
of six days-- very expensive.
Sid is smelling blood, Harry.
He's scared to death
that you're going
to do one of your
patented weird things
in front of the site
review committee
and just blow all of our money.
This poster won't
help me convince
anyone that he's wrong.
Excuse me.
Are you all right?
Do I look like I'm all right?
I'm miserable is what I am.
I'm sorry to hear that.
MELI: Why?
I could be crying because
I'd just drowned my cat.
Anything I can do?
Two weeks ago my
boyfriend took off.
And I think maybe
he got me pregnant.
But I'll be damned if I'm going
to go to one of those who are
lousy six-at-time
welfare clinics
and get another stupid
lecture from some fat nurse
on my reproductive system.
On how I can keep my ovaries
from making eggs if only I let
them put those diaphragms,
and loops, and coils,
and God knows what
else inside of me.
And I don't have enough money
to see a private doctor to find
out if I'm pregnant, even
if I had a private doctor,
which I don't.
So there.
Now you know.
Maybe I could help.
MELI: This is awfully damn
nice of you Dr. Wolper.
Not at all.
Happy to help.
Are you going somewhere?
MELI: Nope, just got here.
You see, I got this intellect,
and all my friends from Oregon,
which is where I
live, keep telling me
that this intellect needs
a college really bad.
Anyway, I figure, what the hell.
Why not come down here
where they are and do
some waitressing, which
isn't so bad except for all
the pinching, until I
can make enough money
to see if this college and
I are mutually compatible.
Meli, you didn't do use
one of those drugstore tests
to find out if you were
pregnant or not, did you?
Didn't have to.
A woman knows these things.
I missed my period,
ain't that enough?
Not this time.
You mean I'm not pregnant?
That's what I mean.
Wow!
Oh, that's fantastic!
Oh, Dr. Wolper,
is there anything
I can do for you in return?
Just name it.
Go ahead, name it.
You must have loved your
wife a whole lot to grow
her for all these years.
I've done it, Meli.
I've done it.
Me too, Dr. Wolper.
Dr. Wolper, why do I
orgasm all the time
from absolutely everything?
I mean, I feel like
a goddamn battery
charging and discharging
and charging up again.
I think I'm a nymphomaniac.
You seem to be fairly healthy.
MELI: That's just it.
I mean, what guy is going to
feel good about having sex
with you if you've
already come six times
between his ringing the doorbell
and my opening the screen door?
Many would think you to be
a joyfully lucky young girl.
An orgasm is the
fun of creation.
You don't really think that
all those people out there are
going crazy over each
other just so they
can play hide the salami has
anything to do with creation.
Ultimately, I do.
It's love, Meli.
Nah.
Love is very quiet
and tender mostly.
It's like this beautiful
light that lets you see things
that no one else can see.
[yawning]
[music playing]
Barbara Spencer?
Are you crazy?
You don't have a chance.
BORIS (ON RECORDING):
Barbara Spencer?
Are you crazy?
You don't have a chance.
You got to be really nuts to get
all worked up about some girl
you don't even know.
What's with you?
If you're going to live
this, why stop half way.
[phone ringing]
It's unimaginable to Christie
Brinkley to think suicide
if she doesn't mail
you her bikini bottom.
HARRY (ON PHONE): Boris,
what in Earth is going on?
The [inaudible]
was running at 500.
300, Harry!
300!
300, Harry.
Not 500, 3.
Remember, 3?
I'll try to remember, Boris.
OK, because one of these
days, if I get lucky,
I may not be available
in the mornings, OK?
Because just because you
live like a monkey, doesn't--
son of a bitch!
One world, sonabitch.
Son of a bitch!
Sonofabitch-- accent
on the last syllable.
Do you see, Boris,
Friedrich Hegel left us
with two important
ideas, that nothing
great has ever been
accomplished without passion,
and sonofabitch.
Hegel's a son of a bitch.
You know, Kullenbeck
is a lunatic.
He's a very dangerous man.
You overestimate him, Boris
The hell if do.
You watch, you'll see.
I'll tell your Dr.
Wolper, your sofa
is worse than a back
seat of a Volkswagen.
Who the hell is she?
I'm Meli, Dr.
Wolper's 19-year-old
nymphomaniac who's helping
him grow his dead wife.
[crashing sound]
You will excuse me.
Who are you really?
- Really?
- Really.
I'm Meli.
I'm Dr. Wolper's fiance.
Well, I'm not
exactly his fiance.
But I am going to marry him.
Only, don't tell
him/ I don't want him
to get all nervous about it.
Harry!
What are you up to Harry?
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch!
Keep practicing.
Boris, have you got a girl?
Hey, Boris.
Hey.
I've been looking
all over for you.
I'm sorry about
the refrigerator.
And I tried to tell
you about Larry.
But then Agamemnon, I
thought he was tied upstairs.
And then the cats.
[laughter]
I'm still taking out
cat hairs from that.
BARBARA: Larry kept telling
me that it would just
be roommates and nothing more.
And I wasn't there a
week until he was trying
to get me to sleep with him.
BORIS: That's terrible.
I know.
And I've tried to talk to
him, but he won't even listen.
He just keeps making
me feel like there's
something wrong with me.
That's terrible.
I know.
I had a room lined up at
his girlfriend's house,
but it fell through.
BORIS: You know, Barbara,
I've got lots of room
in my apartment.
And I won't bother you.
Really.
BARBARA: Wow, that's
nice of you, Boris,
but I'm sure I'll
find something soon.
BORIS: Well, as soon as you
do you can move right out.
Boris, I don't even know you.
You know me.
I'm harmless.
Besides, I don't know
why, but I feel like I've
known you a long time.
It's weird.
Do you know what I mean?
BARBARA: Yeah, I
know what you mean.
OK, I'll do it.
BORIS: That's terrific.
Now, just until I
find another place.
Absolutely.
I mean it, Boris.
This business with Larry
has been bad enough.
So don't try and make me.
Now, you have to promise.
I promise!
I really mean it, Boris!
Me too!
MELI: (SINGING) Get up at
6:00 and start all over again.
Because I'm a woman--
W-O-M-A-N. Tell you again.
I'm a woman.
W-O-M-A-N.
[music playing]
Oh!
Don't get hysterical.
I'm not going to attack you.
I'm hot, that's all.
You know, Dr. Wolper,
there are probably
1,000 guys that'd
give their left nut
to be where you are right now.
Meli, be reasonable
OK, 100 guys.
Look, Dr. Wolper, maybe
when I'm as ancient as you
and there's some 19-year-old
guy lying on my sofa,
I'll talk to him about
being reasonable.
But God, I hope not.
Mei, soon I shall need
a fresh egg from you.
Fat chance.
It means a great
deal to me, Meli.
OK, Dr. Wolper.
I'll tell you what, you
give this thing between us
half a chance,
you'll get my egg.
What do you want me to do?
Well, first of all you
can put on one of those
records up there.
Anything in particular?
Start with A. Well,
you wouldn't prefer B?
Bach, Beethoven.
And then
MELI: When we're done with B,
we can go on to C, and then D,
and all the way
through the alphabet.
It will be kind of
like a special school
for musically retarded people.
Uh-uh, that is not the deal.
By me.
[MUSIC - BEETHOVEN,
"SYMPHONY NO.
5]
[music playing]
BORIS: I'm really glad
you decided to come.
Well, I really appreciate
all your help, Boris.
No, no.
No, don't shut that, there's
this great breeze that goes--
BARBARA: I guess, basically I'm
just a shy person, you know?
And Larry never understood that.
Barbara, I'm kind
of shy too, you know?
Hey, do you want another pillow?
You can have this
one if you want.
Oh, it's all right.
I'm OK.
You sure?
BARBARA: No, no.
I'm fine.
It's hard being shy,
don't you think?
Larry says that a
guy wants a girl
who's really free and open,
especially with her body.
Well, I think that a girl
who is tender and gentle
is very sexy also.
You want another blanket?
I've got more in the closet.
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
If you want one, you tell me.
BARBARA: See, Larry
says that there
is a lot of women today who
are really horny all the time,
just like guys.
And they spend all
night long just
crawling all over their men
like they can't get enough.
Well, I think that a girl's
personality is very important.
And I like to think of
the whole relationship.
I mean, what girl
wants some guy going
over every inch of her
body all night long just
because it feels good, right?
BARBARA: Um, right.
Good night, Boris.
BORIS: Good night, Barbara.
Come on, Einstein, Mrs.
Mallory has got chow on.
Meli, a minute.
You must have a peep at this.
It's Lucy-- the first
day of her life.
I'm keeping a pictorial
record, a sort of family album.
I don't believe this.
[clears throat]
Woo-hoo.
[clinking of glass]
Humph.
[whistles]
Want to get married?
[chatter]
It's not that simple, Meli.
Epistemologists have
been trying to prove
that we exist for centuries.
But if we didn't exist,
how could we do anything?
Yes, but the question is,
Meli, how do we know we exist?
How could we even think
about it if we didn't exist?
Maybe we only think
we're thinking about it.
Look, why don't you start
out thinking you don't exist
and see where that gets you.
Why don't we just stroll
over and take a look.
Because I know whatever Harry's
got in there will get him
in so much trouble
the dean will ship him
to Northfield in 10 minutes.
You'll need probable cause
for a search warrant, Sid.
And you don't have any.
Come on, Paul.
It's time to bite the bullet.
Harry starts ranting to the site
review committee about God's
testicles and it's all over.
Why don't you just
ship him to Northfield?
My position is no different
this year than any other.
Harry is going nowhere
as long as I'm chairman.
God, we're going to miss
your consistency, Paul.
[clanging of bells]
Dinner!
[music playing]
I really mean it, Dr. Wolper,
I want us to get married.
Meli, you still
call me Dr. Wolper.
So?
What's that supposed to mean?
When I met you, you
were Dr. Wolper,
and that's the way
I got to know you.
So don't go making any big
goddamned deal out of that too.
I'm just a formal type person.
If I were sleeping with
the King of France,
I'd say, that was very
nice sex, your highness.
Thank you for banging
me, your majesty.
Now that's what I
call respect, fellas.
[laughter]
[music playing]
You think the and
knows any tunes that
weren't written by dead people?
Unlikely.
Who is she, Harry?
I keep her in the
shed in the backyard.
Well, don't you wish.
I got to hand it
to you, not bad.
Uh, is it OK if I take a
stab at her, so to speak?
Or is she all yours?
Meli belongs
only to Meli, Sid.
Thank you, Harry.
You're a real sport.
Cigar, Paul?
Mm.
Professor Brauer,
kind of you to come
to our little faculty frolic.
Something of a command
performance, Harry.
Sid brought me.
PAUL: Oh, this is fascinating.
What is it you are
supposed to do?
PROFESSOR BRAUER: Invite
Harry out to Northfield,
show him a good time, tell
him what he's missing.
Want to come, Harry?
Absolutely.
But what good is my
yacht, and my Porsche,
and my European ski villa.
Not to mention my reputation
as a world class scientist,
without having a woman.
That's so true, Sid.
Without a good woman
there's nothing.
Nothing.
But as soon as us lesbians
start telling people
that, oh, they start
calling us dykes
and cracking jokes
about oral sex.
I got to call my service.
Excuse me.
Hey, Sid, I
really hope you find
a good woman for your Porsche.
"Por-sha."
HARRY: You must see this.
Jesus Christ.
Harry, you've got
half our lab here.
You got to return
all his equipment.
And I will, any day now.
Do you know who that is?
PAUL: It's Sid.
No.
It's Lucy.
Uh, I'm sorry, Harry.
It's been over 30
years, you know?
She's lost a lot of weight.
Paul, I don't think that
I would want to be God.
Not that I'm turning
down any recent offers,
but that are 4,000 million
humans on this earth,
and yet I still feel alone.
I can't imagine how it
must feel to be one God.
Harry, you going to keep this
business of Lucy to yourself.
I mean, you start talking
about your dead wife
and how you're regrowing
her, by the time you get
to the part about how
lonely it is being God,
people begin to lock
up their sharp objects.
Mm.
That's Lucy.
[music playing]
[bell ringing]
MRS MALLORY: Humph.
From ice to incubator.
Come in from out
of the cold, Lucy,
and into the world of
Boris's little bottle.
Harry, how did you
know you were in love?
I mean, with you and Lucy.
how did you know it
wasn't just infatuation?
Scientifically, of course.
By using the love formula.
The what?
Love formula.
Add up the number of times
that you think about the lady
each day, subtract
from the total
the number of times that you
think about yourself each day.
If the remainder is more
lady and less yourself,
then it's love.
Well, I've been thinking
about Barbara a lot lately.
What's so very neat
about this particular form
is that a lot plugs
into it beautifully.
Boris, would you and the
subject of your computations
care to join me at the
beach house for the weekend?
Thank you, Harry Great.
Hey, I've got great news!
Hello.
We're off to the beach
house this weekend.
Not me, I just got
a waitressing job.
I start tonight.
You're not coming?
Nope.
MELI: It'll do you good to
struggle along without me
for a couple of days.
Under other, more
extreme conditions,
the love formula is replaced
by Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle, we can
never know anything.
[music playing]
See you later, children.
Meals are fend for yourself.
Don't count on fish.
Oh, here's one.
One bedroom, newly
furnished, no lease required.
Barbara, you don't have
to move out of my apartment.
That's very nice
of you, Boris.
But I don't feel like
living with anyone again.
This would really
be like a roommate.
You know, just business.
It sounds like fun.
Look, we could
share everything.
It would be really
good financially too.
We could share the
rent, the food,
the utilities, the laundry.
Oh, shit, my laundry.
You know, you're
right, it would really
cut down on our overhead.
I get lots of magazines,
we could share them.
Sounds good.
What religion are you?
Oh, we get to share God too?
I'm Catholic.
Really Catholic?
I mean, like you say hail
Mary's and eat the communion,
and confession, and all that.
Yes, really Catholic.
But I promise not
to pray out loud
when your friends come over.
I race you to the blanket.
Last one there puts suntan
lotion all over the other!
I'll beat you on one leg, lady!
[laughter]
BARBARA: Oh!
BORIS: Son of a gun.
You beat me.
This is some bet.
Barbara, have you ever
thought about what kind of a guy
you'd be interested
in marrying some day?
I don't mean right away.
You know, maybe, in a few years?
Sure.
Somebody who's very
stable, very secure,
and with lots of self-esteem.
Jesus Christ.
[laughter]
Well, it serves
you right for putting
you on the spot like that.
Oh!
Oh, God!
BORIS: No way!
BARBARA: Oh, you!
Oh!
[laughter]
Truce!
Truce.
OK, truce.
Do you think there's
life on other planets.
Are we about to have a
significant discussion?
I was just wondering.
What do you think is
happening between us?
Do you think it's real
or just temporary?
Boris, I absolutely
insist that we
do not start analyzing
our relationship
until we've had one.
[laughs]
Gone in to town, back late.
Don't wait-- Friar Wolper.
BARBARA: I'm taking a shower.
I'll save some
hot water for you.
I was 15, and she was 27.
[laughter]
I don't know what
the hell I was doing.
BARBARA: Boris, would you grab
me an extra towel, please.
Sure.
I think there's one in my bag.
Thank you.
She drew this diagram, you
know, with everything lettered,
and she taped it at
the head of the bed.
And all night long, she kept
saying, letter B, Boris.
Letter C, Boris.
Letter B, B.
So I suppose there's
been a lot since then, hmm?
(MUTTERING) Son of a bitch.
Well, I don't know if
you could say lots.
BARBARA: I bet.
Come on, Boris.
How many girls have
you slept with?
Well, not a lot.
Really.
I don't believe you.
Oh, my God, Barbara
Boris, go take your shower.
[laughing]
All my life I've wanted
to do that to a guy!
Come here, Barbara.
BARBARA: No, thank you, Boris.
BORIS: Come here, Barbara!
[screams]
We'll discuss this later.
BARBARA: Boris.
Yes?
BARBARA: You've got a nice body.
So do you, Barbara.
You're gorgeous.
Want to come in
the shower with me?
BARBARA: I just took a shower.
I'm clean.
You still got some
sand on your back.
I saw it as you
were running away.
I hate not getting
all the sand out.
It gets on the sheets
and feels like you're
sleeping on sandpaper.
It's very aggravating.
I've never taken a
shower with anyone before.
Neither have I. But I do
know one thing though, you
probably won't need this.
[laughter]
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
This is an excellent
decisions you've made,
Barbara.
I can't believe I'm doing this!
It's so middle class,
two people soaping
each other in the shower.
The socioeconomic
implications are mind boggling.
It's not like
me at all, Boris.
It's so, middle class.
I'm very middle class.
I go crazy over station
wagons and Little League.
You do, huh?
Yeah.
Middle class is fun!
I'm so sick of people
who are liberal.
Me too.
Fuck group sex.
Fuck cocaine.
And fuck gas-o-haulics.
Just fuck it.
Fuck solar heat.
And four wheel drives.
Fuck 10-speed bikes.
And macrame.
Fuck macrame.
And the whales.
Fuck those whales.
Mm, mm, fuck them.
Fuck.
Fuck.
[laughter]
[moaning]
BORIS: Oh, Barbara.
I don't want this to end.
Not ever.
BARBARA: Me neither, Boris.
BORIS: Oh.
Barbara, I think we should
definitely get married someday.
Will you marry me?
BARBARA: Yes, but can
we please this first?
BORIS: Oh, sure.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[moans and giggles]
Did you really mean
it when you said that?
That you'd marry me one day?
Yes, I did.
Thank you, Barbara.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome, Boris.
Barbara would you mind
if I made love to you
again just for a little while.
I love you so much, Boris.
I love you, Barbara.
[softer music playing]
[music playing]
[whirring sound]
[bubbling sound]
HARRY: We shall be putting out
another load on Friday, Sid.
I'll try to leave something
incriminating for you.
Meanwhile, would you care for
a cup of Mrs. Mallory's coffee?
Oh, no, I was just, uh--
Oh, come off it, Sid.
You can't possibly have
had breakfast by now.
Sugar?
I'm sorry, Harry.
I'm getting desperate.
Look, the funding
committee meets next week.
You could save me a
lot of time and trouble
if you'd just transfer to
Northfield on your own.
I like it where I am, Sid.
Thanks.
But I'm having lunch at
Northfield on Thursday.
I'll let you know
if I change my mind.
Milk?
I'm supposed to spell out
to you the many advantages
of working in Northfield.
But so far, I haven't been
able to think of a single one.
[laughter]
The most exciting
thing so far has
been Hartwig watching
food particles
form out of his dentures.
Hartwig's still doing that?
Three times a day.
That's gruesome.
An Institute for Advanced
Research with no funds
for research.
It's a provocative concept.
Well, as near as I
can tell, the thinking
of the administration
has been that if we
are all that advanced,
we shouldn't need money.
[laughter]
I hope you'll accept this
advice as the word of a scholar
and a lover of truth.
Absolutely.
Whatever you do, Harry,
don't use your own money.
[laughter]
[splashing noise]
[music playing]
HARRY: Good God.
This may be the time
for you and your God
to have a little chat, Harry.
I can't believe
you did it, Harry.
That's a real,
live, little person.
It's Lucy.
Help me cover her, Boris.
Let's keep her out of the light.
We cannot be too careful
that this little human.
BORIS (ON RECORDING):
Count down--
BARBARA: Boris!
BORIS (ON RECORDING): 5, 4--
BARBARA: Oh, oh, Boris!
BORIS (ON RECORDING): 3, 2--
BARBARA: Oh!
BORIS (ON RECORDING): 1.
BARBARA: We're going
to be electrocute!
BORIS (ON RECORDING): 1/2,
1/4, 1/5, 1/6, 1/7, and so on.
Fooled you.
[inaudible] first law,
never make love with anyone
crazier than yourself.
[laughter]
Something has definitely got
to be done about that machine.
Machine?
That's Xeno, my friend.
Xeno, don't worry.
She's just kidding.
Boris, come on.
Let me up.
Boris, I'm serious.
Come on, I'm going be sick.
You've been getting sick
a lot in the mornings,
Barbara I thought you
said you were on the pill.
I am on the pill, but it's
not 100% effective, you know?
God, I don't want to
have a baby now, Boris.
[crying]
[shouting]
Stop, stop, stop!
No!
Get out of here!
Get off.
You're offsides!
Offsides!
Offside this.
Down, set, hut, hut.
[cheering and screams]
Harry, Kullenbeck's
out to kill again.
I thought you were going to
do something about it, huh?
Oh, Boris, you continually
worry about Dr. Kullenbeck.
Hey, you feeling OK?
Not really.
You don't look so hot.
I'm going to go home
and get some rest, OK?
I'll see you after the massacre.
OK.
[clapping]
I don't like Kullenbeck.
He plays dirty.
Sid?
And you haven't
beaten these guys?
Not even once?
Not even a draw.
Let me play.
I can beat these guys.
I know it.
Come on, Dr.
Wolper, let me play.
We'll need permission.
Uh, Dr. Kullenbeck?
Four guys under there,
you couldn't get the ball.
HARRY: Dr. Kullenbeck?
Huh?
HARRY: May Meli play?
Sure.
I guess so.
HARRY: Thank you, Sid.
The man says you can play.
Goodie.
[applause and cheering]
OK.
BORIS: All right, let's go.
MELI: OK, I'm get open, Boris.
BORIS: OK.
[screaming]
So you're playing
an end position, huh?
Didn't know you were
interest4ed in fielding
passes, angel cakes.
Only from guys you can
get it up really high.
BORIS: Hike!
Sorry, sugar.
Are you OK.
Playing a little rough
for a friendly little game,
aren't we?
Girls always think it's rough.
Second down.
OK, huddle!
Come on!
OK, he wants to get physical.
I'll get physical with him.
Throw me the ball, Boris.
No, Meli.
Kullenbeck's all over you.
We're going to
score the fucking
touchdown on this play, Boris.
Throw me the ball
no matter what, OK?
Meli, he's all over you.
Throw her the ball, Boris.
That's a good idea.
Break.
Big play, huh?
Gigantic.
Boris!
[screams of celebration]
If I took my pants off, I
could beat Green Bay Packers.
[music playing]
BORIS: There he goes!
He's got the penguins,
he's got it--
oh, shit.
Hey!
You can't do that!
Put all that stuff back!
Hey, come on.
This is private property!
Dr. Wolper, tell them to stop!
Come on.
This is against
the Constitution.
I'm sorry about
all this, Dr. Wolper,
but the orders came
straight from the dean.
MELI: This is your last chance!
If you don't put all
that stuff back, and I'm
calling the Supreme Court.
I mean it!
Put it back!
Come on!
Shit.
HARRY: Lucy's gone.
Her cells are still vital.
She's alive.
Well, I guess that's it.
You're going to Northfield,
and I'm getting kicked out.
"If it be now,
'tis not to come.
If it be not to
come, it will be now.
If it be not, now
yet it will come--
the readiness is all.
You've got a philosophy
for everything.
The love formula,
the big picture.
Oh, I'll take my big
picture now, thank you.
Where is it?
We are resourceful men.
I will write a grant,
and we will take it.
- We, Harry?
- We.
We?
We!
No more we, Harry!
I came here for an education.
You're getting one!
No, I'm not!
I'm playing sandbag to
professor Sidney Kullenbeck.
Sid Is an excellent physician!
And what can we rip-off next?
- We're merely liberating a--
- And screw the university!
For science!
I am not interested in
god's testicles, Harry.
Then you are a fool!
No, I'm not.
I was just trying to
get my life together.
He will be back.
I don't think he
will, Dr. Wolper.
Hey, what do you say we get away
from all this and get married?
Have a regular family,
like everyone else?
Meli, I know you're upset.
I'm not upset Dr.
Wolper, I'm pissed off.
Upset is something
little old ladies
get when their cakes fall.
I'm pissed off,
understand the difference?
I do.
But there is no need.
Nobody but us knew that
Lucy was hooked up.
Oh, I hate Lucy!
Hate her, hate her, hate her!
Oh, I see!
Marriage?
What sort of marriage?
Monogamy, polygamy?
There are many primitive
cultures with no marriage
at all.
They hunt, they farm,
they have children.
Not in this tribe, Dr. Wolper!
Maybe when you start hunting
antelopes in the bushes,
then I'll cover myself
in sheep [inaudible]..
And walk around nursing
babies on my "National
Geographic" boobs.
We can forget all
about marriage.
It's probably too
hot for it anyway!
My work with Lucy--
Lucy is dead!
Why someone with the
brains to win a Nobel Prize
can't figure that
out is beyond me.
You're not making life in
here, you're making death.
So cut it the hell out, will ya?
[door closes]
[rumbling and glass shattering]
Don't humph!
Your humphing is
driving me crazy.
Take English at night school,
or see a throat doctor,
but stop humphing.
Humph.
Do come back in, Meli.
Let's talk.
I don't really want to
talk anymore, Dr. Wolper.
Well, I got to go.
[music playing]
You know, I'm going
to miss you goddamn,
classical musical heart breaker.
Dean Harrington, how are you.
Tom, what's this?
Paperwork?
If you'll just
sign here, Harry,
you will now
irrevocably be Professor
Emeritus at Northfield.
Oh.
Here.
Thank you.
I see no reason for
any further action,
assuming, of course, that your
presentations to the committee
are restrained,
articulate, and demonstrate
a convincing
simulation of sanity.
Now, wait a minute, present--
I'm going to do the--
- Sid, I'm sorry.
The committee insists on having
the principal investigator
who's named on the
grants do the presenting.
As you know, our
research here relates
to the biochemical
mechanisms of disease.
And I am pleased to announce
this morning that God has
agreed to provide us
with all the answers we
need for just under $800,000.
[laughter]
Which, in turn,
will yield new data
on membrane-binding
properties, which
will lead us to major
breakthroughs in disease,
malnutrition, and energy.
Thank you.
That's very
impressive, Dr. Wolper.
Very impressive.
You are certainly
going to have
your hands full with $800,000
in research projects.
Actually, Dr. Wolper has just
become the Professor Emeritus
out at our Northfield facility.
Irrevocably.
Well, well, well.
So you finally managed
to get some research
funds for Northfield.
Good for you.
It's about time.
Oh, no.
See, just Dr. Wolper
is going to Northfield.
The research money is for here.
Isn't Dr. Wolper the principal
investigator on these grants?
Well, technically, yeah.
But--
Human beings do
research, not institutions.
So we award funding to
a person, not a place.
Now, the money goes where the
principal investigator goes.
Even if the principal
investigator is bit of a wacko
every once in awhile.
Let's see, that's the Northfield
Institute for Advanced--
No!
Yes.
I mean, yes.
You son of a bitch.
Look, we can ask
for reconsideration.
We can refuse the money.
The chairman of
your department can.
And I'm the chairman
of your department.
You can't do this, Harry.
That money's for here.
Look.
this is just a little,
technical problem.
Well, I don't see
the technical problem
in giving a brilliant man
money to do his research.
Whatever it happens to be.
God, no!
You can't give
this man any money!
He's a lunatic!
He thinks he's regrowing his
dead wife in his backyard.
This is no joke.
He's been cloning a dead
person without a license.
HE took all our lab equipment
without any authorization,
got a teenage girlfriend,
flashes her tits!
Sid, Sid.
Boris, what are you doing here?
- Look, Sid.
- Yeah?
Do you think you
could get someone
to take a look at Barbara?
I mean, we've been
waiting a long time.
SID: [inaudible].
I mean, she keeps
saying, you know--
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'll take a look at her.
But let me get
those clothes first.
Mary, we'll be in the ER.
BORIS: And today right after
she threw up she passed out.
We were wondering if she might
have done pregnant somehow.
Somehow?
Don't blink for me.
Just look straight ahead.
That's good.
Ah.
Does the light hurt you?
Yeah.
How are you feeling now?
Not too good actually.
And I feel like I'm
going to throw again.
My head is killing me.
Hmm.
Do me a favor,
Barbara, squeeze me
fingers with your right hand.
That's it.
Real hard, real hard.
That's good.
I'm sorry, Boris.
Left hand now.
Real hard.
Squeeze, squeeze.
Hold on.
Are you left-handed?
No.
No, she's right-handed.
Huh.
Do that again with
your right hand.
Real tight.
Come on, come on.
Harder.
Oh, God.
Boris, this hurts so bad.
- OK.
OK.
Just--
I'd like some help in here.
Just relax.
SID: Excuse me, if you could
put on that goddamn [inaudible],
I asked for some help.
Boris!
We've got a code here!
What's going on.
SID: Boris, take a hike.
Get out of here!
Get out of here, Boris!
[electronic beeps]
[respirator sounds]
Hello.
Boris?
Barbara?
Um, Barbara, certainly has
been writing a lot of letters
this fall.
She's very much in
love with you, Boris.
I'm very much in love
with her, Mrs. Spencer.
NURSE (ON INTERCOM):
Dr. Pippasian,
report to ward C. Dr.
Pippasian, report to ward C.
The CVA, Cerebral
Vascular Accident,
is just devastating
to the brain.
If Barbara starts to breathe on
her own, which is not likely,
she could remain
in a coma for five,
10 years, which would be
a living hell for everyone
concerned.
We feel very strongly that
it is in your best interest
to permit us to shut off
Barbara's life support system.
I'm very sorry--
- Sid?
--to this to you so bluntly.
Sid?
Can I talk to you for minute?
This is not a
good time, Boris.
Sid, I was just down the hall
and I was talking to this girl,
and two days ago she had brain
surgery, and she's fine now.
She looks great, Sid.
I mean, she's all better.
She had a very
small tumor, Boris.
Yeah, but maybe an operation
would help Barbara too.
There's nothing to operate on.
She's not going to die.
Boris, we're pretty sure
that Barbara is already dead.
Sid, we were just talking
to her this morning.
What are you talking about?
Huh?
Where's Harry?
I don't know.
Why don't you call him?
I tried to call him.
He's not home.
He's not at the lab.
We would like
you to think very
seriously about allowing us to
turn off Barbara's respirator.
What?
What are you talk--
you can't do that!
That's crazy!
We need a little more
time Dr. Kullenbeck.
I'm never going to let
them touch you, Barbara.
[music playing]
[velcro separating]
Now, now, Mrs. Pruitt.
Northfield is a lovely,
pastoral setting.
There is no need for tears.
That's not what I'm
crying about, Dr. Wolper.
You've had that
coming for years.
It's this message
from Boris Lafkin.
MR. SPENCER: We want you
to know we've thought
this over very seriously.
No, no, Mr. Spencer--
MRS. SPENCER: We feel
that Barbara will
be very happy in God's kingdom.
No, no.
Please, don't.
We've talked it over with the
doctors and Father Morrissey,
and we've given permission.
Mr. Spencer.
We've known Barbara
all of her lief.
She was always a--
No, please, don't do this.
We know how much
you love each other.
But we think that the Barbara
we've all loved is gone.
No, she's not.
She's not, Mr. Spencer.
Look, she's still here!
Look, look-- you've just
got to give us a chance.
That's all.
Mrs. Spencer, please.
Just give us a chance!
Sid, I'm begging
you not to do it.
Please, I'll do anything.
Anything.
Just don't turn it off.
Look, Boris, stay
with me for a minute.
Barbara is like a
very complicated
machine that somehow--
listen, listen.
No.
It somehow got broken.
No, listen to me.
Hang on, hang on.
It really is that simple.
Sid, listen to me.
I've been sitting here all
night long,m and I've been
holding Barbara's hand.
And every once in a while,
she tightens her grib
around my head.
Do you understand?
She's trying to tell
me that she's alive.
She's trying to say,
don't let anybody do
anything terrible to me.
Grasping is an instinct.
It's a reflex.
- It's-- no!
Infants have it.
It's not a reflex, Sid!
Here fingers, they move.
She's trying so hard
to hold my hand.
She's working her
goddmaned ass off.
Sid, look-- no, look.
Sid, touch her.
Look, Sid, just touch her.
Just feel her.
There's all this
life in her, Sid.
You've just got to
put your hands on her.
Sid, look, you put
your hand in hers,
and she'll try to grab it, Sid.
It's not a reflex.
Sid, please, honest to God.
It really moved.
Boris, don't make this
harder for everybody.
Sid she wants some more time.
There is no more time, Boris.
Don't you understand,
she wants more time.
This isn't magic,
it's medicine.
I can't just snap my
fingers and make her better.
Sid, please, put
your hand on her.
Just go touch it.
Boris, there is no more time.
Please, give her more.
For Christ sake's, a
little charity, huh?
Come on, I'm begging
you with all my heart.
Please, Sid, do this for me!
Just do for me!
Boris will you get up,
you're making a fool of--
I'm a fool!
I don't care!
I'm a fool!
Whatever you're
saying I am, Sid.
Just give us some
more time, please.
Father Morrissey.
No!
I mean, for Christ's
sakes, a little charity.
Sid.
Sid!
Hold your horses, father,
you are about to commit
one hell of a sin.
SID: No, you don't, Harry.
Barbara's my patient.
You don't even have privileges.
HARRY: I had a little
chat with the dean.
SID: Spencer ICU, has been
transferred to Dr. Wolper.
This gives you two days.
Thank you, Sid.
I'll be back.
Mm-hmm.
Well, now, haven't
you put yourself
into a pretty old pickle?
Harry, she's in a coma.
Comas confuse me.
She's not asleep.
She is not dead.
She must be alive,
don't you think?
Yes.
But what we need around
here is some consciousness.
Come on, Boris.
Let's go to work.
I'll be back.
HARRY: Does it check?
Yes, it checks.
They all check.
They're coming out just the way
they did when Sid ordered them.
You're right, he does good work.
Also, he is an asshole.
How's Meli?
Meli has flown the coop.
BORIS: I'm really sorry
to hear that, Harry.
You know, she'd be
really good for you.
So I've heard.
Well, our understanding
of the infinite variables
of the human brain's
behavior stops right here.
Welcome to the Dark Ages
of enlightened science.
Barbara's cells.
BORIS: I've been thinking
about it a lot, Harry.
I probably could get
Barbara back, couldn't I?
Like you with Lucy.
If you think the world's ready
for another Harry Wolper.
But I can't do it.
It'd never be
Barbara at the beach.
That was an accident.
I'd spend the rest
of my life trying
to make that accident happen
again, and it never would.
If Barbara dies, then she dies.
It follows that our next step
is well-informed, blind belief.
You want know something
really crazy, Harry?
Always.
For the first time
ever I believe in God.
This has been the
worst week of my life.
I love her a lot, Harry.
I can't imagine having a
family with anyone else.
I keep picturing what our
kids are going to look like,
how we'll go to
those open school
nights and sit on little chairs,
and the teacher will show us
how our kids just
learned to make
the letter K. Do you ever think
about things like that, Harry.
Once, there was a time
I thought of little else.
You know, Harry, I'm still
trying to find the big picture.
But I just keep missing it,
because I'm so full of love
for Barbara that I just--
nothing else matters.
What makes you think
that you're missing it?
Barbara, I must be off.
But for the next two days,
and all for your delight,
you will be in the care
of this young lover
who tells me that he sees his
unborn children in your eyes.
He will talk to you
of this, this loving
that you both share.
He will sing, shout,
murmur to you.
He will tell you awful jokes.
He will read to you.
He will strive
with all his might
to communicate with
you from the highest
level of his sensibility.
And nothing will
stop him but you.
We're going do it, Harry.
Oh, no.
You are going to do it.
Talk to Barbara.
Words can be wonderful things.
[music playing]
Barbara, we've got a
whole lot to talk about.
First of all, you've got
this blue and white tube
in your mouth, and
you look ridiculous.
There's these big
cracks that people
fall in if they're not careful.
And then we all have to fall
down and we have to save them,
because they fall in.
So there's this guy, this
German guy, named Wolfgang,
and he's taking a picture
of a glacier crack.
My, God.
My, God.
Her eyes widened and the warm
color ebbed from her cheeks.
That looks ghastly.
[engine starts]
Barbara, I know you can hear me.
People in comas can hear.
I don't know if you think
this is a dream or something,
but it's not.
It's all really happening.
And this is the only
book I could get.
I borrowed from
the lady next door.
If you don't come
out of this thing,
I got to keep reading it.
Where's your boyfriend now?
He's away looking for the dog.
No, I read that already.
You got to do it, Barbara.
You got to do it.
I mean, first of all,
I am not carrying
that damn refrigerator of
yours back down those stairs.
No way.
No way.
And that dog.
I can't stand that dog of yours.
And I'm going to
get rid of them.
Agamemnon.
[ocean surf rolling]
There is another woman, Lucy.
Meli.
Meli is extraordinary, Lucy.
You would like her, you would.
She has your spirit.
Bold as hell.
I will always love you.
You have always been with me.
But I love Meli too.
Let me go, please.
Let me live.
Last dance?
[humming]
Goodbye, Lucy.
Goodbye.
OK, stop putting up these
goddamn posters and I'll
mart you for Christ's sake.
Oh, damn it, Meli, I've been
rehearsing a formal proposal.
Mrs. Mallory warned me.
I couldn't wait.
Will you walk with
me to the water?
Sounds wonderful.
Back to the sea?
Back to the sea.
I love you, Meli.
I love you too,
you sentimental dope.
[laughs]
BORIS: I'm scared, Barbara.
I get really scared sometimes.
The first time I asked to
move in with me, I was scared.
The first time we
made love I scared--
God, I was scared.
Barbara, I wish
we could go home.
Because I know you'd
make me feel better.
Barbara, I couldn't
stand it if you died.
I need you a lot, Barbara.
I mean, there's so many
things I want to do with you.
And if I don't ever get
a chance to do them,
I'm going to be really
heartbroken, Barbara.
Please, Barbara.
You got to do something
to show them you're alive.
You go and do
something, Barbara.
You got to show them.
You got to do it
for me, Barbara.
Please.
Just show them.
Just help me, Barbara.
I need you, Barbara.
Please.
Help me, Barbara.
For me-- do it for me.
Boris.
Barbara!
Boris, why don't you go
home and get some rest.
Help me, Barbara, please.
Help me!
Come on, Boris there's
nothing you can do here.
You got to do it.
You can do it.
Show them, Barbara.
Please!
Help me, Barbara.
Please!
Sid, she's grabbing my hand!
Sid, she's crying!
She's alive!
Barbara is alive!
Look, Sid.
[coughing]
Barbara.
Barbara!
No, no!
No, Sid!
No!
Why dud you turn it off?
We're going to kill her!
[shouting]
Let me go!
She's gagging!
She can't breathe by
herself with the respirator
still going!
She's breathing by herself.
Yes, Boris.
She is.
Well, that means she's out
of the coma now, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's a
good sign, isn't it?
Yes, Boris.
It's an excellent sign.
It is absolutely outstanding.
Son of a bitch.
Barbara, you're outstanding!
Do you hear that!
You're outstanding.
You did it!
Barbara, you did it.
Your parents-- I'm going
to tell your parents, OK?
Now, don't go away.
I'll be right back, OK?
I'll be right back!
She's alive!
Barbara's alive!
She's alive!
She's alive!
I can't believe it!
She's alive!
She's alive!
She's ALIVE!
Son of a bitch!
Hello.
Boris.
Oh, Barbara.
Harry!
Harry!
I don't know how the
hell you did it, Harry.
Everybody is going
to Northfield.
The golden rule of
Arts and Sciences,
Boris, never forget it.
What's that?
He who has the
gold makes the rules.
I'll never forget it, Harry.
[bells ringing]
Good morning, Dr. Kullenbeck.
Yeah, morning.
Did Harry happen to
mention how long I'm going
to stay out her at Northfield?
He says's you can
come right back as soon
as you get the big picture.
Optional flight.
I was thinking last night of
the future good of all penguins.
[horn honking]
MELI: Guess what?
I've got great news.
I'm going to have a baby, you
goddamned, fertile antique.
Those penguins can choose
to float through the air!
Oh, no you don't,
Harry Wolper.
If you think I'm going to have--
If Meli has a child,
I'm going to be a father.
I'm going to be a father!
(SHOUTING) I'm going
to be a father!
[music playing]