Crazywater (2013) - full transcript

[film projector

clicks and whirs]

♪ Come forth to my grave

♪ Bring with you young woman

♪ For young woman I crave

♪ Young woman I crave

♪ If you can't bring me woman

♪ Won't you bring me a drink?

♪ Good corn whiskey

should do, I think ♪

[blows goose caller]

♪ Should do

I think ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, somebody got a bullet?

So this is how you do it.

This is called a goose caller.

An Inuvialuit goose caller,

and they're free.

[blowing]

[whistles]

[buzzes into

a goose-like honk]

You see how much

it's sticking out?

See where my thumb is

and my fingers are?

Okay?

And then you put your teeth

right here.

Your teeth on this side.

[goose call honks]

I want one.

Don't bite it.

Very lightly.

[blows goose honk]

Good job.

[toots goose call]

Holy man!

Honkers coming in!

Coming in low!

[Dennis]: Our kids

are four and six years old,

and by taking them out here,

I expose them to

some of the traditions

that kept us strong,

and maybe even freedom

from some of our past burdens.

[♪♪♪]

I was born in Inuvik.

Where we grew up

was called Co-op Hill.

About half of the kids

came from homes

where there was alcohol abuse,

and the other half didn't.

[school bell rings]

We saw a lot of drinking.

When I look back on it,

it was staggering.

People were drinking hairspray,

they were drinking solvents.

The drinking got

totally out of control.

It was almost like wildfire,

and I can understand it, too,

because I'm an alcoholic.

When I drink, I can't stop.

I either drink till I pass out,

or I drink

till there's nothing left,

and I can't find any more

in town or anywhere,

and only then,

and only then will I stop.

[neon buzz droning]

The first time I drank,

it was the summer going into

Grade Seven,

going into high school.

There was a, um, a group home,

a receiving home,

we used to call them,

just down the hill

from our house,

right next door, basically,

and there was all

kids that were in care.

They all stayed inside

this little house.

And one of the boys went,

and he broke into a warehouse,

and he stole

a case of church wine.

[chuckles]

And, uh, me and my little friend

were riding our bicycles,

our little banana bikes,

we were riding around,

and this guy said,

"Hey, you want a drink?"

and we just dropped our bicycles

right there, right on the road.

I was so excited,

and we started

mixing it with pop.

I remember

we mixed it with Coke,

and we were drinking it,

and I remember right away

I started getting

that really warm feeling,

getting that buzz

from the alcohol...

and I just remember that feeling

of, "Holy shit, man.

"This is what it is.

This is what they're after."

It was magic.

It was such a wonderful feeling,

and from that day on,

I believe that's when

I became alcoholic.

[birds calling]

I'd just been sober

maybe a year or two,

and I was looking for

anything to help me

get some sanity back.

Somehow I came across

the book "Crazywater."

It was our story

told by us, basically.

It was the first time

I heard other Native people

talk, like, candidly and openly

about their drinking.

Finally feeling like

someone knew

what the heck

I was going through,

let alone other

Native people in Canada.

You know what, Brian?

I had no idea

what to do

other than

string myself up,

until someone

handed me your book.

I think it was

one guy's story

about how he

was grieving,

grieving his loss.

That was the first time,

the first time I, uh,

I ever heard of anybody

talking about alcoholism.

[Brian]: I knew that the story

of Native people and alcohol

was one that touches

all of our people,

and I thought that

if I could come up with a...

a way of dealing

with that in print,

it would leave something lasting

that would probably,

hopefully,

contribute to solutions.

[Dennis]: It's no secret

that we have trouble

with alcohol and drugs.

You know, all you've got to do

is just, you know,

go and look out

down in the inner cities

and on the reserves,

and, you know,

you'll see there's...

there's still a lot of

alcohol and drug abuse

in our communities.

I want to get people to start

talking about our own denial

about our own alcoholism.

How can anybody understand us

if we don't tell our story?

[Alex]: This fringe

is going to go on my apron.

I made this apron, I don't know,

about six months ago.

Hobiyee is

the highlight of the year.

It allows nations

to get together

and to show a tiny portion

of our culture

to those who come out

and witness such an event.

I was at

two residential schools,

Port Alberni and Alert Bay,

for two years.

[sewing machine whirring]

People have reasons

why they drink,

maybe a loss of job,

or loss of family, right?

But for me, it was

the abuse that I went through.

That's why I drink.

And I'll never forget

the first drunk.

It was a punch.

I didn't know

what people were telling me,

to just have a-- have a cup,

so I drank it.

It just kicked in...

[snaps fingers]

it kicked in right away.

I got really high, drunk,

and then I remember

standing behind this door,

the front door,

and people were coming in,

I'm standing right in there,

it's like I'm locked in

behind this door, and it's...

and then after that,

I don't remember nothing.

[♪♪♪]

[distant sirens wail]

[Paula]: My grandmother

drank all the time,

and then the partying lifestyle

was handed down.

I inherited

all the sexual abuse

and all of the violence.

I was thrust into

a torturous lifestyle

by the age of three.

I'm just grateful

that I have the courage to stop.

I had been shooting up

in Edmonton since I was 11.

I think I was 28 years old,

and this is the corner

that I first came to

when I came to Vancouver...

where I, more or less,

claimed as mine.

I ended up staying here

for a long time.

Back then, I was only on 100,

$100 in welfare,

and that'd only last me an hour.

I had a very high addiction.

I probably went through

about 500, easy, a day.

[Stephen]:

I grew up in white society.

Because my stepfather

was in a residential school,

we were raised

that we weren't Indian,

that we were white.

My mom drank,

my stepfather drank,

grandfather drank,

my aunts and uncles all drank,

so it was around me

continuously.

I started drinking

at the age of eight,

and got into the harder drugs

when I was 14.

But I've been clean

off the drugs now

for about nine years.

It's just the alcohol

I'm trying to kick.

With the alcohol, I always

get myself in trouble.

It's like a saying

I always have, you know,

I'm allergic to alcohol,

you know.

Every time I drink alcohol,

I break out in handcuffs.

[chuckling] You know, which is

totally true in my case.

[Dennis]:

There's such a stigma

about being a Native person...

and alcohol.

Where, like,

that's our racial profile

is we're fucking drunks,

and it's kind of

a well-deserved moniker, too,

because for the most part,

we have been.

[chuckles ruefully]

We, you know

through our history,

we've always struggled

with alcohol,

so there's a lot of shame

and a lot of guilt

around being Native.

You know, you have to have

pretty good self-esteem

to overcome

that, uh, stereotype.

[Alex]: I just kept on going.

Drink, drink, drink,

that's all I do.

That's all I wanted to do.

All the anger that--

that I had towards

the group homes,

the residential school,

it all just, I let it all go.

The last straw

was with the police,

and they said I'm under arrest,

and I said, "What's going on?"

then after a while they told me,

they said, "Well, we're charging

you for armed robbery,"

and I said, "What?"

They said, "The people

at the hotel identified you.

You were in there,

accomplice to a robbery."

I told them over

and over and over

that I didn't do this,

I didn't do this armed robbery,

but I got... pinned for it.

I did my time in Peace River

Correctional Centre.

There was 95% Natives

in that jail.

After I got out,

I just left it all behind,

and I continued

on my journey of hate

towards white people,

the cops, the government,

everybody.

[Stephen]: You know,

I can understand

the point of the courts

giving me a nine o'clock curfew.

It's just for

the safety of the public,

because nine out of 10 times,

I get released from jail,

and I end up back in jail

the same day. So...

I have to stay here

for a couple of months

till I get some

programming behind me,

some treatment behind me.

It's either here or jail.

I mean,

it's not the type of life

I'd wish for anybody, you know,

but for some people,

they need it.

For me, I need it.

You know, because I know

where I'd be right now.

You know, I probably would be

on the streets, drinking.

This one I did when I was 15.

I was all messed up on cocaine,

and, uh, you know,

my arms were bare at the time.

I figured I'd do

a tattoo on myself.

This one here, I did this

when I was 16, um... 16 or 17,

and it represents confusion.

This one I did when I was...

did some time in the hole

when I was doing federal,

and this is made from a staple

and burnt paper and water, so...

All my tattoos have

a tale of some sort, so...

My life story.

Being in jail, it changes you.

You sleep with one eye open

because you don't know

who's going to come

into your cell.

You know, it's a dangerous life.

You know,

you've got to deal with

all sorts of people, you know,

from sexual predators

to murderers.

Guys who don't give a rat's ass

who you are, you know?

They're all out for themselves.

I became part of a crew

when I was young.

16 years old, part of a gang,

just 'cause I needed

the protection.

'Cause I'm young, in a big jail,

lots of big guys around me,

and I'm the little guy.

You know, you watch it on TV,

and, you know,

it looks so glamorous,

it looks so good, you know,

but it's not,

because once you're in,

you're in.

[Dennis]: So when

we moved into Inuvik,

when alcohol became

readily available

where you could actually

go to the liquor store

and buy alcohol

without kind of

any legal implications,

a lot of my dad's

generation really...

their alcoholism

really took off.

It used to really kind of

give me a lot of anxiety

coming back here.

My whole past kind of happened

on these streets right here,

right along this road here.

This is where

my ghosts are, right?

[school bell rings]

There was a lot of joy.

Of course there was

a lot of joy, you know?

Growing up in Inuvik was,

it was a fun place,

but there was a lot of...

a lot of hurt, too, eh?

A lot of really dark, dark times

that I went through here.

I was so absorbed

by all the dysfunction,

and all the shit

that was going around me,

I couldn't learn.

None of us could learn.

I quit school. I turned 17.

My mom said, "You're 17 now.

You got to work.

You got to go

get a job somewhere.

I don't care."

Oil industry was going on.

Some of my older friends

were working,

they'd coming to town

with lots of money,

big cheques, man.

I started phoning around

the oil companies,

and I got a job.

So 17 years old,

I come back to town,

I got my cheque.

I'm a man now.

What do we do?

We drink from Friday,

Saturday, Sunday,

and we drink and laugh,

drink and laugh.

Sunday we're all broke.

[laughs]

Flat broke Sunday!

Somehow, we scrape up enough

to get a bottle,

and we're in someone's house,

and we're sitting there,

and the depression sets in

on Sunday,

when we run out of money.

Good morning.

Hey! What's up?

Hanging out?

Yeah.

Remember fucking

going out to work,

and then coming back

with thousands

of dollars in the bank

and just pissing it

all away?

-Yeah.

-Then going back to work.

And then going

back to work,

and then coming back,

and then--

Over and over.

Then E.I. kicks in,

or your pogey

kicks in,

and you sit in the fucking

bar all winter long.

We did that

for, what, 14 years?

15 years?

When Esso

was up here,

when oil companies

were here.

Yeah.

Then they all left and just...

left you with nothing.

But still, even when

you had nothing,

you could still go out

and get fucking

loaded, too, right?

Oh, again,

it's the brotherhood.

Yeah.

Who's got the money pays,

and then when

you got no money,

then somebody else

takes over.

It just, it just, just circles.

Yeah, for sure, man.

People can get drunk day,

after day, after day.

Lots of them get out of it,

but lots of them don't.

[crows caw]

[Desirae]: Ever since

I was a little girl, I was...

I was very quiet.

I always kept to myself.

We're going to get ready

to go to the park.

Oh, okay.

And I was always with

my grandmother, my kokum.

My mom was

in and out of the picture

a lot of the time,

but I used to always miss her,

and I needed

to be with her, and...

I always longed for that.

I don't know

too much of the story then,

and I can't remember a lot--

is that my grandmother couldn't

look after me, my kokum,

because she didn't have

the funds or the means,

and she was in school,

so she, um...

she ended up putting me in care.

My foster brother,

or so-called it,

sexually abused me, and...

My social worker

that was in my life

used to come and see me,

and she'd say,

"You're here

for a reason, you know?

Your family

doesn't want you," you know,

and really drilling

these things into my mind

as a four or five year old,

you know,

and I was totally...

totally just felt outcasted,

you know, and I was like, "Why?

Why would they put me here?

And why did my mother

leave me," you know?

I started running away

at 11 years old.

At 13, I was doing

weed and alcohol,

and it was normal to me.

It was something that

wasn't too hardcore

because I had lived with my mom

who was very addicted to crack,

and all those different

harder drugs,

so me doing something

lightly was like,

"Oh, it's not that bad.

I'm just drinking

and smoking weed."

[Dennis]: Well, my dad,

he was a good guy,

but he drank a lot,

and when he wouldn't come home

for basically days at a time,

I would go looking for him,

and I remember standing outside,

wanting him to come home,

and what can you do

when you're a little kid,

six, seven years old?

What can you do but cry?

I wanted him

to come home so bad,

but he wouldn't come,

and that's alcoholism, man.

You just...

Nothing matters, I guess.

[Desirae]: Like, I came out

of my blackout one time,

and there was blood all over,

and this big gash on my head,

and someone had bottled me out.

My ex was crying, and I woke up,

and I was like,

"Why are you crying?"

and then I got to look

in the mirror,

and I was like, "Oh,"

and all I did was just

tie a rag around my head,

and just kept on drinking.

[eagle cries]

[Stephen]: You know, if I was

feeling sad, I drank.

If I was mad, I drank.

If I was depressed, I drank.

Um, if I was lonely, I drank.

You know, now I'm dealing with

all these emotions and feelings

that I've never

dealt with before,

and it's hard.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

[hum of bustling crowd]

[Dennis]: I remember Christmases

were especially hard for us,

because that was

usually the time

that he would go

on a big bender,

and it would last

for days and days.

I remember my mother

throwing him out

because he couldn't sober up,

and I remember him losing jobs

because he couldn't sober up.

I never really...

got to spend much time with him,

and I think that's kind of

where my resentment

towards him grew.

Every Christmas,

they would have a Christmas

party for the kids.

We got into the gymnasium,

and it was just

full of families.

I think we might have been

the only Native kids there,

and by that time too,

I'd already made assumptions

about Native people.

Santa called all the names

of all the kids,

and all the kids went up,

and we were waiting,

and waiting, and waiting...

and he never called our names.

We found out later

that it was the parents

that were supposed to bring, uh,

bring the gifts there.

What does that do to a kid,

eight, nine years old?

I felt like

it shut the door on my...

on my worth as a human being

or whatever.

[Desirae]:

But I loved my mom so dearly.

I wanted to be close to her.

And the only way

to be close to somebody

is to live in the lifestyle.

That's the closest

you're going to get, right?

I got pregnant, and I said,

"I've got to clean up.

I've got to not do

any weed or anything,"

and I had my son, Darius, at 16,

and I lasted about nine months.

Through those nine months,

I had fallen off

and started to use

heavier drugs like ecstasy.

I went to

a battered women's shelter,

and in that shelter

I was like, "I'm done

with breastfeeding.

I need to go get drunk."

[chuckles] You know?

And the day--

the day I went to go

put my son on formula

was the day I walked

into the liquor store

with my two kids,

my two-month-old

and my three-year-old,

and I took them to the park,

and I just sat there,

and I drank,

you know, all by myself.

[Paula]: I have three children,

and I was so spiritually hurt

from getting molested

that, um,

I couldn't be a parent.

I loved my children

with my heart,

but I didn't love myself.

[voice breaking]

I was shooting up with my son

and my oldest daughter.

She witnessed me doing...

pulling tricks,

and, uh, my son

and my other daughter

used to keep six

while I did drugs,

and when they were

five years old,

they got taken away.

The more I hurt for the kids,

the more I used drugs,

which is the cycle, I think,

of a lot of mothers

that have children

in foster care.

And the tears that I cry

is because I missed

watching them grow up.

[Alex]: It's been...

14 years, possibly?

Maybe 15 years

since I saw my son.

When my son was born,

I was-- I was so happy.

I was just so relieved.

The mom made sure

that I didn't go anywheres,

because she knew I drank a lot.

I stayed in the hospital

with her

until probably

close to midnight.

She wanted to make sure

that the bars,

or the liquor store was closed,

because I was

really edgy and excited

because I wanted

to go and celebrate.

Getting ready to

go out to the whale camp.

The whale camp has been

a big part of my...

big part of my life,

so I just want to bring

my kids down there.

Here.

I got a big box of donuts,

and buns, and bread.

Okay, right on.

What is it?

Gold.

That's what we call donuts

and bannock and bread.

Lots of work.

It's just like gold.

[Dennis]: For me

to make any change,

I have to hit a wall,

and most alcoholics

are like that.

You have to hit a wall,

and you have to have

a gun to your head,

and somebody has to

cock that barrel and say,

"You gotta make change now."

When we had our children,

I hadn't found

true recovery yet,

I hadn't really

conceived a higher power yet,

and I knew if I didn't get help,

that I was going to curse

my children with my disease,

because I was cursed

with this disease.

Jennifer, she said,

"You've got to change,

or you're going

to lose your family."

[♪♪♪]

When I have anxiety,

and when I'm feeling

kind of out of sorts,

it kind of rubs off on my--

on my children,

especially on my son,

because he's

really sensitive too.

I try to talk to him

about his feelings,

and I tell him, "Hey, Hayden,

I know you're going through

some anxiety,

and I know-- I know you're

going through being shy,"

he always talks about being shy,

and I tell him,

"I know what it's like to be shy

'cause Dad is shy too."

I guess the best memories

I have of my dad

was when we would

go out hunting,

because I knew that

when we went out hunting,

I would have all his attention,

and I wouldn't have to deal

with-- with his drinking.

I remember the first time

he let me harpoon a whale.

It was just out here,

as a matter of fact,

with my cousin Larry Semmier,

and my other cousin, Ebun.

Larry was driving the kicker,

and Ebun was sitting

in the middle

trying to roll a smoke,

and I was harpooning,

and my dad was in the--

in the middle somewhere

just telling us what to do,

telling Larry

how to follow the whale.

I'm there with the harpoon,

and my dad said, "As soon

as the whale comes up,

as soon as you see it,

throw the harpoon."

That whale came up like that,

and I threw my harpoon,

and it stuck in there,

and he said,

"Throw your float out.

Throw your jerry can."

I threw it out,

and pretty soon

that whale took off,

and I was bobbing away

in the water

with a big 22-foot canoe,

and I didn't know how the hell

I fluked it in one shot.

Boom! Killed it,

and it was stone dead,

and holy man,

you would have thought

I won an Academy Award

or something... [laughs]

the way he was praising us up.

He just couldn't stop

telling everybody

I got it with one shot, so...

That was pretty good, man.

When you're a kid

like that, it's...

and your dad gives you

that kind of praise, it's...

there's nothing

better than that.

Hayden, come on, we're going

to go pull up the whale.

Nice and easy.

[Dennis]: In our addictions,

we stray from

the important things in life,

which is family and faith.

By giving your children

opportunity

to come out on the land,

you're giving them

a connection to their family,

and you're giving them

a connection to their faith...

See all these marks

right there?

When they're swimming

under the ice,

sometimes by mistake,

by accident,

they get scraped up on the ice.

It's a female.

Yeah.

Boy, nice muktuk.

This one,

you could make a strip.

[Dennis]: I bring my kids

out to Baby Island

because I want them to know

that they have a place

on this earth.

To me, this is

where they belong.

[kids chat and play]

Darius had seen me

and my addiction

before I even had my son,

so when he was three and a half,

like, he remembers these things.

He's very smart.

That day

when they got apprehended,

I remember them

sitting in the van,

and I was crying,

and I was hyperventilating,

and my younger son was crying,

and Darius looked at me,

and he said, "Don't worry, Mom.

I'm going to

take care of my brother."

And that was the day

I made the decision.

You know, I made a decision

that no matter what was

going to come in my path,

I was going to pull up my socks

and get walking, you know?

That I wasn't going to blame

anybody anymore for my past.

[ball clanks against bat]

[embers crackling]

So it's...

Just wash your eyes,

and wash your ears.

Wash your mouth

so you speak the truth,

your nose so you smell

good things,

your heart

so you feel good things.

That's what we do

with the smudge.

It's a big part

of my recoveries.

Yeah.

[Paula]: I got to a point

where I couldn't take it anymore

because I was getting beat up.

I was owned.

I asked the creator

to get rid of my resentments,

help me with my fears,

and protect me from myself,

because it's me

who chooses these things

without even thinking

it's my choice.

[Alex]: This is

my first blanket I've made.

This is for my son,

for his grad,

because this is the first one,

so I have to give it away,

and I'm giving it to him.

My son doesn't know my past,

but I want him to understand

where his dad was.

I sort of told him

why he was taken away,

but I never really

elaborated more,

but I feel he needs to know.

I want my son to have

what I didn't have growing up.

But when I was working,

it was so hot.

Yeah.

It was, like,

I don't know, mid-30s.

I used to

walk by this place,

and knew I was

going to come--

I was going to be living

in this building here.

Oh.

So, what was

the addiction like?

Like, what was

your constant feeling?

The constant feeling

was being high.

Easing the pain.

High on, uh,

alcohol, drugs.

Meth?

I did meth,

but not as often as...

I did it

for maybe a month,

you know?

This is the old

U Gym right here,

where I used to go.

What was

that program like?

The program was to help me

stop my addiction

of drugs and alcohol,

to um...

more or less give myself

a second chance in life.

[gulls cry]

And, you know, I do apologize

for not being around.

It's just the way

things happened.

Some people said it was

selfish of me to move away...

because I did

lose focus on my life.

I gave up on myself.

And it was hard for me,

because I didn't know

how to be a father to you.

All those years

I've been in care...

I thought it was pretty bad.

I didn't like it,

but it was...

I dealt with it

somehow.

Me, my sister and my

brother, we all moved.

We were in the same

foster home, right?

And they got

to see their dad,

but I was the only one

that was left out

because, yeah,

you weren't--

you weren't there.

[♪♪♪]

[Dennis]: My dad was, uh...

He knew that I was angry at him

because of the way

I treated him.

He continued to drink

until he died.

He never did sober up.

This was his favourite hat,

I guess.

He liked shiny stuff, eh?

I imagine this hat

was pretty white at one time.

He died in a drowning accident.

I lost, uh, I lost

three members of my family.

This is my sister, Dalma,

her daughter, Asta, and my dad.

They all perished

on the same day

in a boating accident

in July of 2008.

They were on their way

down to whale camp.

[Dennis]: We got a phone call

saying that they're missing.

We built a search camp,

and we started

dragging the river,

and I just remember

that whole time...

[voice shaking] wanting to,

uh, talk to him,

wanting to

apologize to him, maybe?

Um... and a few times

I found myself talking to him

when I was dragging the river.

I wanted to...

apologize to him, I guess,

for the way I treated him,

and, uh... I wanted

to have that conversation

that I never did have with him.

[singing softly]

♪ Jesus

♪ In a holy rage...

[Dennis]: And, uh...

I had that

conversation with him,

and I believe he heard me.

[♪♪♪]

This is where our family was.

This is our kind of

family retreat,

so after my dad died,

it just didn't feel

the same anymore,

so we just stayed away.

In sobriety,

I've learned

to reconcile the past

and come to terms with it.

I have to accept it.

And as a family,

we decided that

in order to do this,

we need to purge

all the old junk

that he's been collecting

over the years,

and just burn it

and get rid of it.

We're trying to let my dad go,

too, you know?

Are we doing waters?

There is juices there.

Okay, I'll pour some

juice too, then.

[Paula]: I've been volunteering

for the City of Vancouver

for three years

in a woman's clinic.

I do volunteer so much that...

I think it's...

it's what keeps me sober.

UGMs offers a really big meal

for the women.

Some of them, this is

the only meal that they get

on the street.

It's a community

of respect

and love down here.

I think it's important

for everybody to realize

there's a way out,

because we all know

there's a way in.

Mm-hm.

Hardly any of us know

the way out.

So it's all about

in here,

your prayer in here,

what you mean in here,

because if you're ready,

then the universe is ready.

[everyone chatting together]

You quit everything,

like even smoking cigarettes?

-Yeah.

-Everything?

I quit everything,

even men.

[laughs]

That's no good!

That's no good

for your health at all!

[laughing]

[Paula]: Recovery is not only

recovering about us,

but recovering as a community.

We don't feel

we belong anywhere,

and we're such community-based,

nomadic people,

it breaks all our hearts, right?

And that's a part that

keeps us addicted, too,

is at least when we're using

drugs and alcohol,

we're in a bar room

full of other Indians

who are into drugs and alcohol,

so that keeps us all connected

in a really dysfunctional way.

You have to ask

yourself, "Am I done?"

Am I done

hurting people?

Am I done

hurting myself?

Am I done

hurting the world?

Yeah.

Am I done

blaming the world?

Yeah, there

you go. Yeah.

Am I done carrying

this baggage

that goes back

two blocks?

Yeah, yeah.

Am I ready to let it

down and let it go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like these cars

that are driving by,

how many years

I let drive by me

on this corner.

[Desirae]: I know when

I'm, like, really stressed out

I should make an art piece

or something,

because I find

that's where my peace is at...

but I've never been taught.

I've just kind of done it

off the top of my head.

I'm making a painting

of a mommy and a baby.

The mommies

and then the baby.

Do you see it?

[Desirae]: I decided

that I wanted to make

a painting for my mom.

I think for me and my mom,

like, our relationship

is just now

growing into, like,

a mother-daughter relationship,

and she's now there

for my children,

which is really cool,

and I think it'll just

represent a lot,

like, for her to be able

to recognize

that she is a mom

and that she's doing good,

and--

Lookit, Mommy!

Ooh..

[laughing fondly]

And your blue nose.

[laughing]

There's going to be

a lot of healing, I feel,

in the next few years

with my family,

but a lot of work.

What dancer is he?

He's a fancy dancer.

Fancy...

[Desirae]: When I think about

breaking the cycles

with my children,

I'm breaking cycles

within my nation,

and that's what

gives me strength.

[telephone rings]

[Stephen]: Hey, this is

Steve Wolf calling in.

[Dennis]: What happened?

How did you end up

back in there?

[Stephen]: On the beginning

of September there,

I lost a really good

friend of mine,

and took it a little hard.

Thought I could handle

having one beer,

but it ended up being

a whole bunch more later,

and I went on the run,

and then they caught me

two weeks later,

and I got charged

for not complying

with my probation order,

my bail-- bail order,

so I'm, uh, really anxious,

I'm worried,

because I don't know

how many times

I've gotten out of jail,

and, you know,

just want to do good,

but then there's always

that little bit

of a bump in the road

that makes me kind of swerve.

You know, it's, uh...

it's really hard.

[Dennis]: All of us guys

and women who've sobered up,

we all know what it's like

to have no control over it.

We all know

what it's like to slip,

and we all know what it's like

when someone dies

or something bad happens, and...

and, uh, you know we...

it's almost like

we have no defence

against that first drink.

When I quit drinking, I...

I tried to do it alone,

but, man, inside

I was just, like,

just torn up, you know?

It wasn't until

I started reaching out

and asking for help,

talking to other people.

It made it easier.

[Stephen]: Oh yeah. Yeah. So...

Scary, I guess.

You know, I've been doing this

20 years now,

coming in and out, in and out,

and, you know, like,

I've had enough.

[Dennis]:

You don't belong in there.

Don't give up, and, you know,

you don't have to do it alone.

We're rooting for you, man.

We're on your team.

[Dennis]:

I know what we could do.

You guys want to try

a harpoon throw?

You guys got to get ready

for whaling, you know.

You got to learn

how to throw a harpoon.

Okay, Hayden,

harpoon him good!

Oh, yeah!

You just missed him.

You guys, that's the whale

right there.

Try this one.

[Dennis]: My higher power

is the love

that you have for me,

and the love that I have

for you,

and the love that we have

for one another.

Okay, watch Lucas first.

Oh, just about!

[Dennis]: For the longest time,

I didn't know

what the hell to believe in.

I didn't believe

that there was something

that was greater than me,

I guess.

Here's your harpoons.

Good whalers, boys!

Good hunters!

Oh, right on, Hayden!

You're ready

to go whaling.

[Dennis]: The care and concern

that we have for one another,

that's what I call "god,"

and I had to make it

as simple as that.

Alcohol and drugs

wasn't my problem.

All my life, I got told

that it was my problem,

but it was my solution.

The problem was me.

I was just spiritually unfit

to live in my own skin.

That's what's happening

with our people, I think.

All people

who are suffering from...

from addictions

are suffering from being

spiritually sick.

And our culture,

it teaches us

how to love ourselves.

I need to pick up the tools

and be the matriarch

of my family.

Like, I'm coming up

as the grandmother

and the mother,

and I can't do that

while smoking drugs

or doing alcohol.

[Desirae]: As a Native woman,

I can stand as strong

as I am today, right?

I can have the backbone

that I need,

not only for my own people,

but for my kids,

for my family, for my mom.

Look who it is!

How are you?

Give a hug.

Give Kokum a hug.

Now I can play.

Now you can play, yeah.

Hi, my girl.

How are you?

[Desirae]: I am really happy

that me and my mom cleaned up

around the same time,

because I get to walk with her.

Give me a hug.

Aw... What

are you doing?

[Desirae]:

I've always looked at...

Like, our relationship

is more like sisters, really

than it has ever really been

mother and daughter.

I'm trying to

build something.

I'm going to build a house.

[Desirae]: But I'm grateful

that she's there for my kids,

and she can help me

with my kids,

because that's where

I need help now.

[Paula]: We'll do it

all together.

A family project, okay?

I want a...

I want a robot.

You want a robot now?

Okay, so he should have

two like that.

See?

Where's the bend?

Now we need to

make a head, see?

You got any more

straws for a head?

With all the mistakes

that I've done in my life,

I don't want to repeat it,

and so I try sometimes too hard.

Go get me

a yellow straw.

I'll make

a better head.

[Desirae]: It is

really tough for me

to always be respectful,

'cause I did

a lot of growing on my own,

but now she can show that love

to my children,

which is what

I'm extremely grateful for

that they actually have

a grandma,

and I'm learning now

the walls that I put up,

and what I need to take down,

and to be more gentle and kind.

Look, Mom,

I made you something.

Cool. Awesome.

[Paula]: Me and my daughter

have done a lot of work

on ourselves.

Mother and daughter.

My Pumpkin.

The baby...

[Paula]: I think

because we did that,

we got to work on our hearts

and healing.

Yeah, see all the yellow?

New beginnings for us.

I hope that Creator

keeps us clean

for the rest of our lives,

and then somewhere,

maybe 10 years down the road,

we're going to have a really

healthy relationship,

but right now,

it's still in its infant stage.

We're still learning

how to walk with it.

You know, when her kids

get to be teenagers,

and my other grandchildren

get to be teenagers,

they're going to see

a sober grandma.

They're going to see a kokum

that loves to go pow-wow.

[Desirae]: This year,

we're all going

to be three generations

dancing the Sun Dance together.

It's pretty exciting to...

to be able to go back to that,

and just also

make my grandmother proud

that I'm starting to take on

the ways that she walked.

[Alex]: The culture--

because I never thought

I would ever have that,

I thought I'd lost it--

just like it was drilled

out of us back in the day.

Elders and our leader talk about

it's good to make

our own regalia.

One of the things

I really worked on are these.

These are...

I made, like,

six sets of leggings.

It's the wolf.

This goes...

goes on there.

But I will eventually

add some buttons.

The more buttons you have

is the sign of wealth

for the ts'amiks

and the matriarchs.

[Paula]: My mom,

she gave me everything.

All the beadwork

she did herself.

Traditionally, we don't show

any part of our body,

so I'm covered from my toes,

all the way to my arms,

all the way to my neck.

Boy, that's

really nice.

And that's to show respect

for my body.

When we go pow-wow dancing,

a lot of people don't realize

we're in prayer.

It's not to put on a show,

it's to be connected

to that centre pole,

and to dance for the people

who are on the outside.

We're dancing for

the whole world to be better.

[drums beat steadily]

[singers begin low]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome,

from the Nisga'a Nation...

[singing and drumming together]

[distant cheers]

[Alex]: Being

part of the community,

being involved in everything,

it's really important to me

because it is my identity,

finding who I am.

I believe

that we all have

that little light in our heart.

It may be dim,

but it's not burnt out.

It's there.

And once you start believing,

it gets brighter.

[they give a cheer]

[♪♪♪]

♪ You don't drink

from the bottle ♪

♪ The bottle drinks from you

♪ You don't laugh

when it's empty ♪

♪ The empty laughs at you

♪ And I promise

she'll leave you ♪

♪ Though you've heard it

all before ♪

♪ This time you'll be crying

♪ As you watch her

close the door ♪

♪ You don't drink

from the bottle ♪

♪ The bottle drinks from you

♪ You don't laugh

when it's empty ♪

♪ The empty laughs at you