Crazy Mama (1975) - full transcript

♪ Mama told me that she would buy me ♪

♪ A rubber dolly if I be good ♪

Mama!

(jaw harp music)

Car's coming!

[Sheriff] Stay in the car, Mr. Mud.

Better not let Stokes see you.

(somber music)

[Daniel] Back in your car, Sheriff.

[Sheriff] Now look here, Daniel.

I don't care about no
paper, no bank's paper.



I ain't leaving my land.

Stokes land is Stokes land.

Put down that gun, Daniel Stokes.

You get outta here, sheriff!

We ain't got no other place to go to.

[Sheriff] The law is the law.

You are officially evicted!

The hell you say.

He's gonna shoot!

(screaming)

(loud gunshots)

God!

Oh my dear God.

Get up.



Oh my Daniel!

Daddy, what's wrong?

Get up!

Quit playing!

Daddy, please!

Get up.

Mommy, he won't get up.

Daddy, please oh please Daddy.

(loud sobbing)

("All I Have to Do is Dream"
by The Everly Brothers)

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream, ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ When I want you ♪

♪ in my arms ♪

♪ When I want you ♪

♪ And all your charms ♪

♪ Whenever I want you ♪

♪ All I have to do is dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ When I feel blue ♪

♪ In the night ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ To hold me tight ♪

♪ Whenever I want you ♪

♪ All I have to do is dream ♪

♪ I can make you mine ♪

♪ Taste your lips of wine ♪

♪ Anytime, night or day ♪

♪ Only trouble is ♪

♪ Gee whiz ♪

♪ I'm dreamin' my life away ♪

♪ I need you so ♪

♪ That I could die ♪

♪ I love you so. ♪

♪ And that is why ♪

♪ Whenever I want you ♪

♪ All I have to do is dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪

You know I think I'll
definitely go blonde next time.

Oh, too much bleach ain't
good for a body, Ms. Morgan.

Nonsense.

Liable to get poisoned.

That's what happened to that Jean Harlow.

Plutonium went right through
her skull and hit her brain.

(door chimes ringing)

Platinum, Mama, not plutonium (giggles)

She's dead, ain't she?

[Melba] Real sorry, Mama.

How was he?

(sighing)

Ms. Morgan wants a manicure, too.

Damn.

She likes Cheryl to do her manicure.

(horn honking)

I hope she's got the
money to pay us this time.

Ya' want, I should look in her purse?

No, Mama, that'd be dishonest.

Well, I was just fixing to look.

I wouldn't a took nothin'.

(jaw harp music)

(bell dinging)

Oh no, Mr. Albertson,

I plainly told you I'd have
the money next Tuesday.

Yeah, but what you forget
is that it is next Tuesday.

No, it's not my choice,

but you're three months
behind on your payments!

I have more than 29 dollars.

Yeah, for 429 dollars maybe
we could talk, sweetheart.

Look, fellas, come on, let's
get everything outta here!

- No!
- You can't!

You can't!

No, no, business is business!

Crooked business!

Anyway ever of meeting my payments!

Please, Mrs. Stokes, Melba!

Can't take that, you'll ruin it.

No, don't!

She's still not dry.

She ain't done yet.

She's sopping, soakin' wet!

Help!

The Kaiser here!

(shouting)

(glass breaking)

[Radio Announcer] A new world's record

for phone booth stuffing
was achieved today

when 33 co-eds from the
University of Vermont

crammed themselves into a phone booth

on the corner of Main and Holly

during morning rush hour.

(moaning)

Shawn!

Shawn!

Shawn!

(humming)

(ocean roaring)

Shawn!

Where were you?

- I just called the doctor.
- You did.

- The rabbit died.
- He did.

Does that mean we're okay?

No, it means I'm pregnant.

Oh, poor rabbit.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah! (Laughs)

We can get married, Cheryl!

Married?

Oh, that's just bitchin'!

What are we gonna live on?

Room and board doesn't mean that thing.

You don't seem to
understand, you're pregnant.

At your age, that's practically rape.

Me, I'll go to jail.

No more shootin' the curls for old Shawn.

Bug off, Shawn!

As Mama always says, who
even knows if it's your baby.

I've always had my choice of five fathers.

Oh, come on, Shawn, I'm late.

Late for what?

Manicure.

Wait a minute!

What do you mean it's not my baby?

Wait a second!

(moaning)

(engine grinding)

This is Carol's record player!

Everything goes, lady!

Carol earned it with her marriage!

Those other dumb hicks took the car!

That's right, right now.

Now none of these fart knockers
are taking everything else!

You ladies are dangerous!

This is America!

The land of the free!

Nothing is free, nothing is free.

God does not deal in dollars and cents.

He does not care about 429
dollars, Mr. Albertson!

Ms. Morgan's hair was not even dry!

Not even dry!

God deals in the eternal damnation

of souls, Mr. Albertson!

You know you ladies are lunatics!

You're damn crazy!

I never!

You'll hear from me!

No respect for law and order!

Shawn, are you much
a man as my papa was?

I didn't know him, Mrs. Stokes.

Get in your car, Shawn.

Landlords! (Blowing raspberry)

(engine turning over)

Mama, (mumbling)!

Avengin' angel has entered
into your Mama, Cheryl,

and we had best follow.

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!

Come on.

You didn't just get away with that!

(mellow rock music)

[Mama] Getting sea sick.

♪ When I saw her on the corner. ♪

♪ Then I knew that ♪

Stay on his tail, Shawn.

(smacking)

Why you crazy damn fools!

Watch it!

I'll do anything for you.

[Melba] Good.

Because Cheryl...

Cheryl's got a duck in the oven.

(smacking)

- A what?
- Shawn!

Damn you!

You mean you knocked her up?

You cross little surfer,

you went and ruined my child's life!

Oh Mama, I'm just gonna have a baby.

(crunching)

You damn fools!

Don't you dare have no accident.

This is a Stokes baby.

Hey, Melba Stokes!

Sheba Stokes, Melba Stokes,
Carol Stokes, baby Stokes.

Oak trees, mountains, huts.

(crunching)

Mrs. Stokes, I just wanna
talk to you a little...

Get him, now!

(crunching)

(tires squealing)

(surf guitar music)

(brakes squeal)

(horn honks)

You're crazy!

You're both crazy!

Moron, you!

(shuffling)

You darned near killed me, idiot!

(door slams)

You go on

(muffled shouting)

Or I'm gonna call the law.

I'm a big man in this community

and I don't have to put
up with that kinda crap.

Oh, ow ow that hurts there.

Oh, where'd you put it?

(door slams)

(tires squealing)

(shouting)

(screaming)

(metal crunching)

(tires squealing)

The bitch.

What am I gonna tell my wife?

I used to cry every time they played.

"Coming in on a Wing and a Prayer" ”.

That's why I feel practically certain,

Cheryl, that your daddy
was in the air force

and must have died for his country.

We need gas, Mama.

I feel like California's a sink.

Someone pulled the plug out on us.

Like we're just gonna go
gurglin' right down the drain.

Seems like we never shoulda come west.

Headin' west was the
start of all our trouble.

No, Daniel and the farm

was the start of all our troubles.

What the heck we gonna do now?

You need a home, baby.

That's what you really need.

Any one of your dads would
have made a home for you

with grass and trees.

Real trees. Oak trees, mountains, uh.

That's right.

I'm gonna get it all for you, baby.

(slapping)

We're going back to Jerusalem, Arkansas.

What the heck for?

I'm gonna buy back our farm.

[Sheba] What!

I'm gonna buy it with
good solid, honest cash

and nobody can never take
it away from us again.

You got any idea where
we're gonna be tonight?

Yes, we're gonna be in.

(Happy Trails instrumental)

Las Vegas.

Now Melba, just hold up here.

Now, you're traveling too fast.

We're gonna buy back
the Stokes 60 acres.

Cotton, soy beans, chickens,
pigs, horses, mules.

Mama's gonna sell eggs and milk.

Yee hoo!

String beans and ripe red tomatoes,

juicy tomatoes.

And dirt and mules and worms.

And worms.

No, I think you're
running a fever, Mama.

If I am, I don't want you
to tell me about it, Cheryl.

I'm gonna be sick.

Not yet.

Ah, right about now.

(gagging)

Hold it right in.

And if we have to, we'll buy
the bank that took our farm.

No more loan company.

Paid, everything!

I said hold it in, honey.

Hold it in.

There's a gas station right there.

Right there on the road, right up there.

(skidding tires)

(dog barking)

Come on, get goin',

She's gonna croak.

We're the ladies room?

Get off my foot.

Here.

This way.

Got a wrench?

Fill it up with gas, please.

Get Mama a wrench.

Dammit, she got mornin' sickness.

We need some oil.

Gas, oil, water.

Air, air, air in the tires, air.

Come on, get going with
the gasoline, mister.

Come on!

And some water.

We need some water, water and the air...

Give Mama room!

Come on, mister, get goin'.

It's off gas.

(surf guitar music)

(honks)

Hello!

(door slams)

Gas?

(groaning)

Hello, who's there?

Oh my God!

What the hell happened to you?

Blonde bitch.

(groaning)

I'm gonna catch 'em.

She asked me for a wrench.

They dimmed my lights
for a lousy 15 bucks.

That's terrible.

How many were there?

There was three of 'em.

The call one grandma.

I'll kill 'em.

The blonde bitch.

Ah, thanks son.

I'll kill 'em.

You're welcome, mister.

Hey hey, hey, what, what.

What the hell's the matter...

I'm really sorry, mister.

(dog barking)

I have to do this.

(shouting)

I have to get going.

I need a few hours.

I'm not really like the those people.

Just relax, someone'll
be over in a few hours.

You dirty little good for nothin'.

("Money - That's What I
Want" by Barrett Strong)

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want. ♪

I like Ike!

(chattering crowd)

I feel lucky.

[Bertha] God bless America!

(shouting)

Okay Mama, here we go.

(metallic jingling)

(screams)

(giggling)

Oh, how God loves me.

Oh, I'm sorry, lady.

But you have to be in close
contact with the deity

to make these machines pay.

(50's rock guitar music)

(chattering crowd)

And you have to believe in America.

Well, that much.

I'm ready here.

I'm pure and I believe.

Would you give me one of them nickels?

There and God bless you.

Aw, thank ya', lady.

Okay, honey.

The Lord sayeth, him that has, gits.

(clicking)

Whoo hoo!

(shouting)

(coins clicking)

[Bertha] She's done it!

♪ Money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

(shouting)

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Come on, baby!

(clicking)

Tippy Canoe and Tyler, too.

(shouting)

Yeah!

Rub on, big daddy!

(plastic clicking)

(shouting)

44 for here, (mumbles)

(handle cranking)

Oh no.

Lady baby.

Lady baby, kiss my dice.

Come on, come on, kiss it.

(giggles)

(smacking gum)

Here we go, hey!

(shouting)

(whistling)

Hallelujah, lucky lady.

Whoo!

("Sleepwalk” By Santo & Johnny)

I'm Melba Stokes.

Lady, Mayer Jim Bob Trotter.

Oh yeah, of forgotten
city of Steamhead, Texas.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

My dog has fleas.

Remember the Alamo.

(lever scrapes)

Whoa!

(groans)

(dice thuds)

(screaming)

Come on! Come on!

Only eights.

(chattering crowd)

Come on! Come on you three cherries.

Come on, baby!

Cheryl!

Cheryl!

Shawn!

We're at the motel next
to the wedding chapel

and across the street from the car wash.

Cheryl!

Shit, what the hell's a Shawn?

Shaw happens to be father
of my unborn child, hotshot.

Come on.

Hey, nuts about me already.

Yeah, yeah.

What! Who is this yo-yo?

Are we gonna fitter and skit bomb

or are we gonna go for
that ride you promised me?

(engine roars)

Oh, bye hon.

See you later.

Away we go.

Cheryl!

Only you can prevent forest fires.

(clicking)

Well, I'm broke.

(crowd chattering)

Excuse me.

Watch it.

Why, we were winning.

We just couldn't help but win.

We're the greatest God
fearing team of all time.

Well, maybe we took
the name of our Lord,

our God, in vain.

Several times.

What's the matter with you, boy?

Mrs. Stokes, this is
definitely the worst day

of my entire life.

And you can say that, son,
when we just lost ourselves

a wagon load of nickels.

Just a wagon load.

Boy, we were out there
for awhile, weren't we?

(giggles)

I mean, real hot.

Aw, I sure enjoy.

I mean it (mumbles)

We had it and we lost it.

You can get it again.

We got to get it again.

I'm a mother.

I love my mother.

(ice shuffling)

I love a girl who loves her mother.

(giggles)

No, I do.

You know, my wife.

She hates her mother.

Aw.

And I don't blame her.

I hate her, too.

Not my mother (mumbles)

I love my mother.

(sobbing)

Kiss me, Jim Bob.

You beautiful thing.

Alright mister.

Holy mackerel.

Who the hell are you?

Reach.

Reach for what?

And don't point that damn thing at me.

Reach for ya' pants,

you blasphemous rapist.

And make it snappy.

He's no rapist, Mama.

Well, he can put his
pants on in the presence

of two ladies and a fine,
young California gentleman.

Hi, Mrs. Stokes.

Good evening, Shawn.

Nice to see you.

Is that your mother?

That's my mama.

Oh, I'm in for a whole lot of trouble.

Now the man who took our land back,

his name was Mudde.

MUDDE.

I don't know how I'm gonna Kill him.

(glass thuds)

Mama, who said anything about killin'?

But I'm gonna kill him.

Now you decided, Melba,

that we was to bust loose.

Are we goin' all the way or ain't we?

Sure we are, Mama.

But we'll deal with Clarence
Mudde when we get to him.

Right now, we need money.

But I don't see why we need him.

Fairy, you don't even know
how to comb your own hair.

Put up or shut up you homo greaser.

It's him or me, Cheryl!

Huh?

Well it's you, Shawn.

But I like Snake, too.

Huh?

I'd hit you but I might
slip on your grease.

You cruisin' for a bruisin', son?

You want a mouth full
of bloody chicklets?

You're asking for a
knuckle sandwich, skinstick.

Alright, you guys.

Now now, cool it down, cool it down.

Simmer.

Melba needs her money.

We gotta figure a way to help her get it.

Am I right or wrong?

Yeah, you're right.

Okay. You got any ideas?

Okay, hold it everybody.

One at a time.

This is a business meetin'.

We're gonna do it right.

Okay, ladies first, Mama.

Okay, rob a bank.

What we foolin' around fer.

I got a sure fire way to beat the house.

(snaps)

Blow the safe in one of the big hotels.

We'd get thousands of
dollars in jewelry alone.

That's a rotten idea.

How 'bout startin' one
of those chain letters?

That's really for the birds, man.

Hey, listen.

That's penny ante stuff.

I'm gonna tell ya' right now,

you're not gonna beat the system.

You can if you take 'em by surprise.

Hit when they don't expect it.

That's how the keep gettin' us.

Well sure, honey, but
buying and supplying a farm

takes a might big parcel of money.

How about one of those
24 hour wedding chapels?

Cheryl and Shawn could get married

while we cut the thatch.

I don't wanna get married.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Melba honey, I'd be mighty
proud to make you my wife.

Mama?

I've always wanted a white wedding.

Oh lady baby.

That would just suit me fine.

(laughs)

Oh definitely, yes, reverend.

We want love, honor and obey.

Don't we, lover?

Yes, honey.

We want it all.

And don't forget until death do us part.

It's really important.

Very fine.

A little music.

(record needle scrapes)

(Organ music)

Now, we'll proceed.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here in the sight of God.

You better believe it.

Amen.

To join together in holy matrimony,

this man and this woman.

(door quietly shuts)

Do you, Lana Monroe, take this man,

Homer Alamo, to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

(gasps) I do.

(shuffling)

And do you, Homer Alamo,

take this woman, Lana Monroe,

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

(metal clanging)

(organ music continues)

And now, may the grace
of God be in your hearts.

And may your souls by Him be possessed.

Bestow upon you the riches
that God has to offer.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(organ music intensifies)

Duly appointed by the state of
Nevada, Justice of the Peace.

(soft 50's guitar music)

Hold it right there, folks.

Congratulations, I'm sure
you'd love a 8x10 glossy

of this momentous...

Just give me your name and
address and I'll send you,

five dollars alright?

Sure you'd love it, don't you want.

Oh, I've got a client list a mile long.

They all consider me a great artist.

Come on, folks, give me a break.

(motorcycle engine revs)

A full refund if you're not satisfied.

(laughing)

All I wanna see is my marriage license.

Well, what do you want?

Whoo, we're on our way.

Got some rice in my purse.

Homer Alamo.

I'll get it.

(laughs)

Where'd you ever pick
a dumb name like that?

You didn't give me any time to think.

You know, our weddin' was
just to pull a job, Jimmy Bob.

It's the only time I
ever got married at all

and I know it's peculiar,

but I feel all warm
inside, like crying, sir.

I get it, Melba.

I feel just as free as you.

Just as free.

Yup, we're gonna put together a real stash

and then we're gonna
buy back your 60 acres

and I'm gonna forget I ever
had that wife, Ellie Mae.

Tell me something.

I really gotta know.

Is she pretty?

When I was 17, she
wasn't downright ugly.

And she was the richest gal in town.

But is she pretty?

She's depressing and the
boys are depressing, too.

I love you, Jim Bob, I swear I do.

Mmh hmm.

That wedding chapel register,

that money's just hummingbird doo doo.

Hardly paid for the wedding.

Well if I'm gonna do spring
farmin' in Arkansas, Bertha,

cuz' my baby, Melba,

she's a might flighty.

Oh, is she?

But I love her.

Course you do.

(surf guitar music)

I still cannot believe
what we just did back there.

Crazy.

Look at the sky.

Imagine what the beach is like today.

Cheryl, I don't wanna be an outlaw.

Look at this damn rice.

And why are we goin' to Arkansas?

My mom must be crazy wondering where I am.

Well, at least your mama
has a roof over her head.

Mine doesn't and she
wants to go to Arkansas

and she needs me.

So, you can go on back if you want to.

I'm stickin' with my mama.

Cheryl.

What?

Oh come on.

Come on, you know I'm
gonna stick with you.

You sure?

Yes.

(surf guitar music continues)

(engines revving)

(register chiming)

The prices they charge us for fruit.

You'd think they plucked
it from the Garden of Eden.

Look at this one, that's a beauty.

Yeah, right.

(giggles)

Pardon me, ladies.

Oh, I love apples.

Here we go.

She's a beaut.

It's so juicy.

Get some bananas, honey.

Don't take that, Cheryl.

Put that back.

Oh, oh. Oh my heart.

Mama.

Oh my heart.

Oh sweet Jesus!

(boxes thudding)

(whining)

Oh it's nuts.

The man's pushin' into my chest.

Oh hurry, get the manager!

Get the manager!

(screaming)

Get out, get out!

This is no PT Barnum shame.

Break for Jesus.

Find a couch

and give her her medicine.

Get away, people, get out.

Oh, my heart.

Just take me in your arms, sweet Jesus.

Oh oh, let me sit down here.

Oh my God.

(gasping)

I'll call the doctor.

No, just open the safe.

We need that money a lot more than you do.

It's only $40.00 in there.

Then get it, right now.

Move, hurry up.

Come on, come on.

Business has been lousy.

Get that safe open.

You're standin' in front of it.

Give it, give it.

Do it, do it.

Do it, do it, get it.

(sobbing)

("Money, That's What I
Want" by Barrett Strong)

♪ Money don't get everything, it's true. ♪

♪ But what it don't get ♪

♪ I can't use. J ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want. ♪

And now, Iser and Rollins

are fighting it out for the lead

in our side car event.

Barow and Eddie Ludwig,
challenging from behind.

(crowd chattering loudly)

(motorcycle engines running)

Here comes number three.

Don't forget there's ice cold beer.

Well hang loose, sweetie pie.

Oh, thank you.

Bertha, how come you
still got a driver's license

at 82, babe.

Well, Snake, what got I hung on to

and what I had, I still got.

Good luck, liver lips.

I gotta go meet Sheba.

("Black Slacks" by Joe
Bennett & the Sparkletones)

♪ Black slacks ♪

♪ Black slacks, ♪

♪ Make it good daddy-o ♪

♪ Gotta put 'em on and I'm raring to go. ♪

♪ Gotta go places, I just don't care. ♪

♪ You'll know why when
you see what I wear ♪

♪ Black slacks ♪

(crowd chattering)

(engines revving)

Wait wait for the last
minute question mark entry.

Don't know who he is but he's eligible

and he's paid his three buck entry fee.

(engines revving)

And they're off!

(crowd drowns out race announcer)

Strokers are surely stokin'.

That's number three.

Looks like the man out there today,

unless the question
mark can shoot him down.

(engines drown our race announcer)

Question mark is in the lead.

He's down, folks.

The question mark is down.

(shouting)

The race is still in progress.

Repeat, the race is still in progress.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, there.

See that one up there?

See that one, it looks just like an 11.

Okay, show and tell.

Where's the money, where's the money?

- It's down there.
- Where.

- Down there.
- Where.

Get it, get it, Cheryl, get it.

(siren whining)

I don't want anything to happen to ya'.

You know, pow.

Just stay down there.

Just stay down or you're gonna get hurt.

(engines revving)

(crowd chattering)

Melba!

(siren wailing)

Help damn it!

(tires squealing)

Hey!

(whistling)

Here comes Melba.

Out the way!

(crashing)

(crunching)

(screaming)

(engines revving)

(jaw harp music)

(tires squealing)

My bike!

- [Radio Announcer]
- Police are on the lookout

for the get away car
involved in the heist.

A green late model Edsel
bearing out of state plates.

Problem is, we've been
gettin' at all the wrong people.

People not that different from us.

Bankers been doin' all the takin'.

Now they got to give.

Well are you for it or again' it?

I'm again" it.

Your damn right I'm against that bank job.

(door slams)

Now looky here.

I was all for grabbin' a little money,

helpin" you get your farm back

but we're gonna end up in jail, now.

Probably have FBI after us.

Well shoot, the way we're going,

they're liable to call out the Marines!

I'm not afraid of our beautiful Marines.

Almost married one once.

He was one of Cheryl's daddies.

He got killed, too, in the war.

His eyes were just a green as yours.

Well, they're gray.

Well, it all depends what I'm wearing.

Papa stood up for his rights.

He stood right up to 'em.

They just shot him dead.

He died proud.

My God, I'm not runnin' scared.

Not ever again.

(marching band music)

(horse whinnying)

Alright, Mr. Hiker,
how would you like that?

A 20 and two fives would be just fine.

- 20 and two fives.
- Yes.

20, 25, 30, and don't forget

- to endorse the other side.
- Oh yes.

Where's the manager?

(gasping)

Oh my God!

Over there.

Which one, honey?

Mr. Howard, but he's got a customer.

(sneezing)

Bless you.

Let's you and me take
a walk to the vault.

Down on the floor, down!

Kindly, kindly, ladies.

Please calm down.

Just how, exactly, can I help you?

You can help by scraping
your brains off the ceiling

unless you do exactly as we tell ya...

I've got a gun and I've
got a bomb in my purse,

so take your choice between
that and your money.

You think I'm gonna let you rob my bank!

(gun firing)

(screaming)

(alarm ringing)

Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.

Mama, come on!

Get out of here!

My sweetie.

Take the money, take all the money.

Come on!

(shouting)

Get the hell out of
here, Bertha, get out!

Oh yupper.

Come on, Mama.

Stop her!

Hurry!

(shouting)

My wife's been shot!

(police siren)

(tires squealing)

Hurry!

(tires squealing)

(crunching)

(police siren winds down)

Look out for that cowboy!

(crashing metal)

(crunching metal)

(banging)

(tires squealing)

("Western Movies" by The Olympics)

♪ Ooh, save my soul ♪

♪ can't get a date ♪

[Police Dispatcher] All units,

be on the lookout for a 1958 Chevrolet,

pink, bearing Arizona
license number G2L068.

Used in connection with a bank robbery

in Paris, New Mexico, this afternoon.

Vehicle was last seen headin" east.

Robbers identified as women,

are armed and considered dangerous.

♪ My baby loves the western movies. ♪

♪ Call my baby on the telephone ♪

♪ To tell her half my head was gone ♪

♪ just got hit by a great big brick ♪

[Sheba] Four thousand dollars.

[Snake] Alright!

That's a down payment on the farm.

- Oh.
- I never thought

I'd ever see the day.

What about equipment?

You can't run a farm on (mumbling)

Gotta have machinery.

This are a start, Melba.

Yeah, machinery and fences
and tractors and hired hands.

Needs a bunk house

and stock and fertilizer
and a lot more stuff.

Hey, drive my Harley in here

and I'll kick up the dust

and I'll just make a u-turn
and we could knock over...

Bad idea, Snake, bad idea.

No, I don't reckon I've been
taking care of you ladies

like you deserve.

Yeah, you have, honey.

Well, I've been giving
it a real think, now.

What you been thinkin', Jim Bob?

Why don't we just kidnap me?

(bell rings)

Howdy.

How do.

Looky here, boy.

Mayor Jim Bob Trotter, Steamhead Texas.

Also happen to be the
sheriff of Gozula county.

I like this fair state of New Mexico.

I want you people to know that.

I'd like to spend some time here.

Peaceful and quiet, no phone calls.

No crazy phone calls of any kind.

I'd like to rest my nerves.

Now you got that or don't you got that?

Yeah, I got that.

(tires squealing)

I want you to rip that phone
out of my room, you hear?

And if my wife calls, I want you...

(got shots and breaking glass)

(shouting)

Hey what's going...

What the mother?

Now come on, come on!

Hey, you stand around and do nothin'?

Hell man, you on your own.

(shouting)

(gun fires)

(banjo music)

(door bell chimes)

Don't do it!

(gun fires)

(tires squealing)

(bell chimes)

("Lollipop” by The Chordettes)

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

("I've Had It" by the Bell Notes)

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

♪ Lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

♪ Lollipop ♪

♪ Call my baby lollipop ♪

♪ I'll tell you why ♪

♪ He's sweeter than apple pie ♪

♪ And when he does his
shaky rockin' dance ♪

♪ Man, I haven't got a chance. ♪

♪ I call him lollipop lollipop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

♪ Lollypop lollypop ♪

♪ Oh lolly lolly lolly ♪

You don't seem to understand.

They're gonna blow his head off

unless that money is in Oklahoma City

when and where we want it.

Which we'll tell you about later.

What do you mean you don't believe me.

We're killers!

Just ask your husband.

Ellie Mae, what the hell
is the matter with you?

Darlin' where are you?

I'm with true desperados.

I mean approximately where you are

because those morons who took,

they took your sweet
birthday present car, too.

Now listen to me.

You've got to follow their instruction

or I'm a dead man.

Well, honey, you're very own deputy,

Wilbur Janeway, says he
thinks it's un-American

and it would encourage other mad men to...

[Jim Bob] Listen, you
dumb twat, I'm your husband.

Honey (sobs)

Don't say things like that to me.

You make me wanna cry.

I've got 12 people
comin' to dinner tonight

and they were all expectin' to see you

and the boys are so depressed.

I could just scream
whenever I look at them.

Honey, they are askin' for so much money.

I mean the stock market's
just gone down and down

like there's no tomorrow.

This is no joke.

Now just get that god damn money together.

I don't give a shit whether you invite

the whole state of Texas to dinner

because I'll be a corpse if you don't move

the iceberg you call your ass!

(clunks)

A quarter million dollars.

Now we're in the big time.

You think Arkansas's the big time.

(boing sound)

[Jim Bob] You lady baby (muffled)

I love you honey.

I'm never gonna leave you, Melba.

Aw, I feel safe with you.

(boing sound)

[Dispatcher] Look out for

a '57 Lincoln convertible, white...

Pinch those faces for later.

The police are here.

Cool it everyone, damn it.

We gotta move.

I'll cover ya.

Get Mama's purse out of here fast.

He don't look kidnapped to me.

Well, I know that but
I think I'll go over

and say howdy.

Why don't you call in.

This is car 54, Lilly Mae.

(boinging sound)

(door slams)

Sheriff Trotter.

No, nuh uh.

Don't worry about a
thing Sheriff Trotter,

my partner's on the phone right now.

Shawn, go!

(engine revs)

John, stop that station wagon!

(gun shots)

Over there!

(tires squealing)

(boinging)

You're huge.

Thank you, kindly.

(brakes squealing)

(crunching)

("Transfusion" by Nervous Norvus)

♪ I'm a twin pipe papa
and I'm feelin' fine. ♪

♪ Hey man, dig that. ♪

♪ Was that a red stop sign. ♪

(engine idles)

♪ I'm just a solid mess of contusions ♪

♪ Never never never gone speed again ♪

♪ Slip the blood to me bud. ♪

♪ I jump in my rod about
a quarter to nine ♪

♪ I gotta make a date
with that chick of mine ♪

♪ I cross the center line ♪

♪ Man you gotta make time. ♪

(Shouting)

He did it for you, he did it for us!

God bless you Snake, you're our hero!

(engine idling)

Cheryl, I wanna talk to you.

Aren't these beautiful.

(laughing)

What'd you do that for?

God that was amazing.

I couldn't believe he
got out of there alive.

First time I saw him,

I should have pulled his spark plug

right out of his bike.

I've seen enough of that
Snake to last me til forever.

A pistol packin' mama, lady baby.

I'm sure as hell happy
that you're on my side.

[Sheba] I don't know, Melba.

I see ya' shootin' off a gun

every time you turn around anymore.

Bad enough pluggin" that girl at the bank.

Lucky it was her leg and not her head.

You can be a shoe in for
eternal damnation by now.

I can't help it.

So, I'm crazy about both of you.

(sighs)

I dug you first, didn't I, Shawn?

You dug me first?

Yeah.

I want,

I just wanna know how
you feel about Snake.

Aw, Shawn, come on.

Now my daughter, Jim boy,

could have been married
about six times before this.

The men became big executives.

Yeah, you should have
seen her as a little girl.

Always so in love with
nature and life in general.

Once Daniel got shot,

we traveled west.

She just worked at
everything she could find

to help pay the rent.

Beg, borrowed, but never stole.

She never stole to get
the down payment on that.

God damn beauty parlor.

You love me, don't you, Shawn?

I mean you wouldn't leave me, would ya'?

No.

God.

Cheryl, you don't even
know what's going on.

Why don't you kiss me.

Well,

let's do something that'll
make us both feel real good.

[Sheba] She almost died
giving birth to Cheryl.

Told the doctor,

if it comes down to me or the baby,

you save that child.

("Running Bear" by "Running Bear" )

♪ On the banks of the river. ♪

♪ Stood Runnin' Bear ♪

♪ Young Indian brave. ♪

♪ On the other side of the river ♪

♪ Stood his lovely Indian maid. ♪

♪ Little White Dove was her name ♪

♪ Such a lovely sight to see ♪

♪ But their tribe fought with each other ♪

♪ So their love could never be ♪

♪ Runnin' Bear loved Little White Dove ♪

♪ With a love big ♪

(gasps)

It's fresh air and wide spaces.

Mama, I love it!

You're gonna love it
a lot more in Arkansas.

Them green hills outside Jerusalem.

Yeah, I told ya...

We was cooked up in Long Beach too long.

We was, Mama.

Ugh, them cities is just unnatural.

Out here we're as free
as the birds in the trees

where the good Lord intended.

I ain't been so free since I broke out

of the old folks home.

That step son of mine, the bastard,

he was the last kin I had left.

He decided to put me away.

That was seven years ago today.

My 75th birthday.

Oh, it's your birthday?

Oh, it's her birthday.

Happy birthday!

Oh, happy birthday, it's her birthday.

It's the first time for 17 years,

I haven't been alone for my birthday.

I feel like I have my family again.

You do, we're your family.

[Snake] You better believe that, Bertha.

Bertha, by your next birthday,

you're gonna be in the nut
house with the rest of us.

Bertha?

She'll be in a home for unwed mothers.

Young fellar, are you...

You do still do the
thin, Ma'am, don't ya'?

You propositioning me?

[Snake] Well...

Cuz' if you are, there's
only one way to find out.

And you better grow up
a little cuz' I like 'em

a little more mature.

(giggling)

Oh, Jim Bob.

Make me feel so good.

Mmh hmm.

Make me feel like Ava,
Lana, like Rita Hayworth.

Like Elizabeth and Eddie.

Oh, baby.

Don't forget the Alamo, alright.

You're lover, God damn the tummy bump.

Not scared of the tummy bump.

Yeah, no need to be scared, honey.

Cuz' you're the lady baby.

Did you ever smoke a cigar?

What?

Well, I think I'm gonna
start smokin' a cigar,

you know, change my image.

What's so good about being an outlaw

if you look like an in-law.

Come on, let's go here.

This better be good.

My hair better not fall out

or you're gonna be minus some teeth.

Who's got teeth?

Meanwhile here in Steamhead, Texas.

The wife and kids of
mayor, big Jim Trotter...

Oh sometimes, I think you
don't even understand America.

Oh, hell.

America's God's country.

If you do good, you get good.

Hey!

My husband's a peace officer.

He is sheriff of this here Gazula county.

Ah yes, Mrs. Trotter.

I would just like to ask you

what you think that means in Texas.

Well, what does this mean,

this terrifying event mean
to your sons, Mrs. Trotter?

We're prayin" to the Lord Jesus,

that daddy comes home, aren't we boys?

Say, well, tell me.

Are you actually planning
to pay the ransom?

Well, uh, I just don't see
how I have any other choice.

Do you?

Well, how could Jim
Boy ever been married

to that dried up piece of baggage?

Well, that baggage was full of gold

and he was young and inexperienced

and had a hard on for Ft. Knox.

Bertha, you're a pistol.

(singing softly)

(door slides)

Snake!

Yowza!

Cheryl, you almost done in there?

Shawn!

You make me feel so happy

since you gathered me up
in your big strong arms.

Thunder and lightening.

You know, you're one hell of a gal.

(groaning)

Don't get it in my eye.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim Bob.

I'm not very good.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You're getting in there?

(laughs)

God, you're both babies.

Don't you know when a woman likes

to have privacy in the bathroom?

Well, speaking of babies.

We're naming it Stokes.

Stokes?

- Stokes.
- Stokes.

I cannot believe what's happening here.

Look at this

and the really weird
thing is I'm not even mad.

I'm not mad at Snake.

I'm not mad at Cheryl.

Why aren't I mad?

Shawn, you do realize, right now,

somewhere over in Russia,

there's a missile aimed
right at this teepee

and any moment, it could go off.

Boom!

So don't sweat the small stuff.

Hang loose.

♪ Runnin' Bear ♪

♪ Loved Little White Dove ♪

♪ With a love as big as the sky ♪

♪ Running Bear loved Little White Dove ♪

♪ With a love that couldn't die. ♪

(snoring)

[Shawn] That's right, ma'am.

You're never gonna see
that bastard alive again

unless that quarter million
is in the shopping bag

in Oklahoma City.

Well, write down what I say, bird brain.

Oklahoma City, the zoo, sure.

The public zoo, how many zoos are there?

The old zoo or the new zoo?

[Snake] The old zoo.

[Shawn The old zoo.

[Snake] Polar bear.

[Shawn] By the polar bear cages.

Four p.m.

No, tomorrow. Not tonight.

And if there's any police,

if there's any police...

[Snake] Cheeseburgers' day and ketchup.

[Shawn] Your husband's
gonna look like a thousand

cheeseburgers smothered in ketchup.

[Snake] Stomped on, too.

(whistling)

(engine revs)

(upbeat guitar music)

What you got there, Marvin?

Some dirty pics, maybe?

You up to your old tricks?

Hardy har har.

Remember that wedding chapel
that got knocked over?

Sad gray blue.

What Lucinda?

That's the kidnapped sheriff.

The guy with the Grand
Ole Opry costume on.

That's the guy from
Texas, you damn noodnick.

Better get rid of these.

Aw, get your cheeks in gear, Marvin.

Maybe there's a reward.

Lucinda, you look amazing.

(laughs)

[Radio Announcer] '58
Chevrolet at your local

authorized Chevrolet dealers now.

♪ Look sharp, feel sharp ♪

♪ Be sharp and listen mister, ♪

♪ How you fixed for blades ♪

♪ Do you have blades ♪

♪ How are you fixed for blades ♪

♪ You better check ♪

♪ Please make sure you have enough ♪

♪ Cuz' a worn out blade
makes shavin' mighty tough ♪

♪ How are you fixed for blades ♪

♪ You better look ♪

♪ Gillete blue blades ♪

[Ellie Mae] It can't be Jim Bob.

[Wilbur] Now Ellie Mae,
you know that's Jim Bob

and he got married to that blonde lady.

It is Jim bob.

This is just some crazy
stunt of Jim Bob's.

He's always foolin' around, Wilber.

I mean, I remember when you fooled around.

Who is that prize
hooker, you tell me that.

He married her in Las Vegas.

He did, Mrs. Trotter.

No doubt about it.

You shut your mouth!

You're supposed to be from the FBI.

You're not supposed to talk dirty.

My husband is a married man.

He is gloriously happy.

Ellie Mae, you just saved yourself

a quarter million dollars.

My husband loves me.

He loves his boys.

Who's that filthy woman?

Well, she don't exactly
look like she's kidnapping

old Jim Bob, now do she?

Wilber, leave!

Don't just stand there, get out of here.

You, too, mister FBI man.

You get out of here.

You stop pacing around.

You get out of here.

You leave me alone.

("Devoted To You" by The Everly Brothers)

♪ Through the years my love will grow ♪

♪ Like a river it will flow ♪

♪ It can't die because I'm so ♪

♪ Devoted to you ♪

(whistling)

(door squeaks)

(soft foot steps)

(birds chirping)

Bastard had better
just damn well show up.

I doubt if he's dumb
enough to show up in person.

He was dumb enough to get married.

Twice.

You saw the first one.

Got to be an improvement
on the first one.

(humming God Bless America)

What the hell is that?

Shhhhh

(giggling)

Hee hee hee.

That's a little old lady.

What in the hell's going on here.

Come to Mama, baby.

Alright, little old lady.

Grab for the sky.

Run sweethearts, run!

It's a trap!

(gun shots)

Bertha!

(shouting)

Bursting full, heaven sake of me.

[Snake] Bertha!

(gun shots)

Oh my.

(shouting)

(gun fire continues)

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them
to birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

Hold it, freeze.

♪ That's what I want. ♪

♪ Your love gives me such a thrill ♪

♪ But your love don't pay my bills ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

(tires squealing)

(gun shots)

♪ Money don't get everything, it's true ♪

♪ What money don't get ♪

♪ I can't use ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want. ♪

(brakes squealing)

(gun shots)

(brakes squealing)

(tires squealing)

Mama, stop!

(gun fire continues)

(metal crunching)

(doors slamming)

(tires squealing)

Fire men, fire!

(repetitive gun shots)

(metal crashing)

(groaning)

She's comin" through!

Run for it, men!

(screaming)

(tires squealing)

There, there they come.

Mama!

Mama!

(shouting)

Get in the car, get in the car.

Come on, help me get her in.

(crying)

(soft 50's guitar)

I can't believe it.

I just can't.

They got her in a damn zoo.

On her birthday.

That old lady loved me.

I mean really.

I think she did.

Jim Bob was the only
man that ever married me.

Even if it wasn't for
real, we said the words.

I know, honey.

We're on the Jerusalem aren't we, Mama?

We're in Arkansas, child.

We're going to Jerusalem.

I wanted to really marry Jim Bob

- only now he's dead.
- Well.

Mama, you want some beef jerky.

[Sheba] Well, if God
is my witness, Melba,

them people is going to pay.

Same as Mudde's gonna
pay and he's gonna pay

for Jim Bob and Bertha, too.

[Snake] On behalf of Jim
Bob, Bertha especially,

Why don't we all say a
little prayer or somethin'.

[Melba] Let's yell for Jim Bob.

[Sheba] Well, let's just Bertha.

Yell 'em into heaven.

[All Together] Yay, Jim Bob!

Yay, Bertha!

[All Singing] Told
me that he would buy me

a rubber dolly if I be good.

Now don't you tell her

I get a fellar,

Look, children, look, look,

this here is the land.

[Melba] That's right.

And the good Lord, Jesus,
rose from land like this.

Amen.

And the most important fact is,

it's pretty.

Mamma, you can cry now if you want to.

It's been 30 years.

And I'm gonna cry.

And if you wanna, you can laugh,

cuz' that's alright, too.

(soft 50's guitar music)

(dog barking)

Just a minute.

You try to tell me that this
here is Jerusalem, Arkansas?

[Melba] It is, Mama.

Maw, what do you think
we've been driving for...

Oh bull crap!

What kind of a dumb hick you take me for.

Ain't any of you can drive or read a map.

We're, we're back in Long Beach.

Well, maybe the town's changed.

[Sheba] No, why would anybody
wanna do a thing like that.

Change Jerusalem.

It was a nice town.

Our little house is sittin'
there waitin' for us, Mama.

Our hill out in back.

My apple tree must be huge by now.

Don't you try to cheer me up now, Melba.

I lost everything a girl ever had

or ever wanted to have.

Oh, poor Jim Bob's back
there somewhere dead.

Well now, alright.

Alright now, children.

We're going straight out to the cemetery

and then on to the farm.

(engine idles)

I know he's out here somewhere.

But who the hell are the rest
of these sons of bitches.

They're dead, Mama.

They're just packin' 'em in
like there's no tomorrow.

Why this here field
was just covered with,

just covered with
daisies and corn flowers.

Here, take a deep drink, Mama.

Bring that other bottle, Snake.

We're going hikin' up into heaven.

[Shawn] I'd give my right
arm for a Long Beach pizza.

For a real taco.

I hope Mama Sheba can get the farm.

But we are hunted, wanted criminals.

[Snake] Yeah, we're all
gonna end up in jail, too.

[Cheryl] We ain't goin' to jail.

Nobody's going to jail.

Where the grapes of wrath is stored.

He hath loosed the fateful lightning

of his terrible swift sword.

His truth is marchin" on.

(jaw harp music)

Can't be.

They can't bury that dirty cock roach

in the same sacred soil
you're daddy's buried in.

He was so full of crap,
his eyes was brown.

(scraping)

Daniel.

I'm home, Daniel.

I come back to the Stokes land

and I've brung the family.

Now, this here is Shawn

and our baby, Cheryl.

And old Snake, there.

And here's your baby, Melba.

Well say something to your daddy, Melba.

♪ Buy me a new dolly if I be good ♪

(softly humming)

(birds chirping)

(clicking)

(gun fires)

(shattering)

On Stokes land, Mama.

And we're drunk as a pair of queens.

Here you finish this, honey.

Oh, you always give me
the best white lightenin'

whenever I had the...

And you never,

you never missed one day of school.

You was an honor student.

Then my bossoms started showin'.

(laughing)

Happy and blessed.

Oh, I know if love is free on this land.

Mama, they added on to our little house.

They put a new roof on it.

Mama, wait.

Cheryl, Cheryl!

The most important thing
in the world is mercy,

'cept for one other thing.

That's stayin' alive.

You gotta look out for yourself

and for that little Stokes
growin' inside of you.

Is that from the good book, Mama?

That's from my book.

You stay right here, don't you kids move.

You stay right there.

(footsteps)

(somber 50's guitar music)

My, they sure keep this grass up nice.

It's like velvet, Mama.

Must keep a lot of cows.

Well, you better watch
out for them cow pies.

Sure keep it up nice.

You don't have to worry about no cow pies.

Now what the hell is this?

Oh.

Mudde weddin'?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Mr. and Mrs.
Clarence Mudde, Jr.

I only wish you poor father
was here to see this day.

(crowd chattering)

- Mr. Clarence Mudde.
- Oh.

Junior, the law is the law.

God bless you, Melba.

Hee hee.

He bares a liken to his daddy.

Don't he just.

Mama.

(gasps)

(phone dial scraping)

Now look here, Mr. Mudde.

I don't care about no bank note.

You are officially evicted

from this here land, Stokes land.

This is outrageous!

What is the meaning of this?

If you don't like it,

you can just get out of our party!

Go on, get out!

No wait, wait a minute!

(glass shattering)

(screaming)

(gun fires)

Not yet!

(jaw harp music)

(brakes skidding)

(tires squealing)

We have to kill those cops.

Cheryl, you gotta say it.

You gotta tell us, it's your blood.

It's me, it's my blood.

Mama told me what to do.

She told me.

Come on, come on!

Now you know the law

and I know the law.

And if you don't,

you're gonna get this
right between your eyes.

Don't those guns, ladies!

(gun fires)

(glass shatters)

(screaming)

You just don't understand!

Mama!

I'm the land lady of
this particular land!

(gun shots)

Mama!

Mama!

Mama!

Mama!

(gun shots)

Mama!

(screaming)

Oh God!

Oh my family's sure got style, don't they.

Come on!

(gun shots continue)

(banjo music)

(tires squealing)

(crashing)

(gun firing)

(exploding metal)

(engine revs)

(tires squealing)

(crunching metal)

(gun fire continues)

[Snake] Here's your burger

and here's your change.

(dishes clanging)

[Melba] Got the mustard,
here's the mustard.

Here's the buns.

[Customer] Where are those french fries?

[Melba] Comin', just a minute.

Comin' right up.

Here you go.

[Mr. Roberts] Melba Trotter?

Your three weeks are up, money's due.

I'd like to have it please.

Oh, Mr. Roberts.

I got the money.

[Customer] Pastrami, please.

I got $67 right here for you.

[Customer] Is that
my hot dog right there?

And that'll get us started and then,

here's a 20, 40, 50.

People are bringing in more money.

Oh thank you.

That's 51, 56, 61, 66, 67, 68 dollars.

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Your love gives me such a thrill ♪

♪ But your love don't pay my bills ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Money don't get everything, it's true ♪

♪ But what it don't get, I can't use ♪

♪ I need money ♪

♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Mone ♪

♪ Lots of money ♪