Crash Goes the Hash (1944) - full transcript

[♪]

[SARCASTICALLY]

What a newspaper.

What an organization!

Send those news hawks in here!

Yes, sir.

You're a fine bunch

of reporters.

I send you to get a story,

and what happens? Nothing!

But they got the place

surrounded

by roughneck

guards.

And it's suicide

for a news hawk

to be

in the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah?

Look at the Star Press.

They got the story!

They got the story! That's

what I need on this paper:

more men like they have

on the Star Press.

Are they miracle men

or what?!

I'll get a story,

or I'll tear the town apart!

I'll get a story

or else!

Oww! Ohh!

Oww!

[WHIMPERS]

There are three

Star Press reporters now.

Hey!

Star Press!

Come on up here!

Hah-ch-ch-

ch-ch.

[SPITS]

Hey, cut out

the stalling, go on up there.

Yeah, it's

your turn.

I've been running my legs off

all morning

till the cuffs on my pants

are frayed.

"'Fraid" of what?

You're a great bunch

of reporters.

You're all fired.

Get out! Hurry up.

Come on, stupe,

we'll all go.

All right.

[WHINES]

Come on!

Ohh!

[WHINES]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[SNIFFS]

What are you doing?

Listening to the band.

Would you like to hear

some birdies?

I'd love it.

Take off your hat.

Nyuhh!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Get going.

This way, please.

Hi.

[WOLF-WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

How are you,

boys?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Nice to see you.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Well, how would

you boys like to do

a little work for me?

Sure. We do the best

work in town.

Yes, and it's

guaranteed.

Certainly.

We're colossal.

We're stupendous.

We're terrific.

We're even

superlative.

[SNAPS, CLAPS]

Heh. He's always clowning.

Where's the work, boss?

Well, here's a story

about Prince Shaam

and old lady

Van Bustle.

I want to find out if he really

intends to press his suit.

He ought to. A man can't

get married in baggy pants.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Aah!

Um--

I want you reporters

to get me

the lowdown

on this story.

Reporters?

We ain't --

Ohh!

[PANTS]

Now, you get me a picture

of Prince Shaam,

and I'll give you each

a $100 bonus.

What good is

a "$100 bogus"?

"Bonus,"

not "bogus."

Don't you know

what "bonus" is?

Certainly. Spanish.

"Bonus naches."

Sí, sí, señor.

Sí, sí.

♪ Re-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ Yuh-duh-duh-duh

Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee ♪

♪ La lee-lee-lee lee ♪

♪ La dee ♪

♪ La dee, da-da-da ♪

♪ Lee la ♪

[VOCALIZING]

Nn-uhh-uhh-uhh!

[SNIFFLES]

I can't help it.

It's the Gypsy in me.

I'll gypsy you later.

Okay, boys.

You get me the picture.

So long.

STOOGES:

So long.

[WHIMPERS]

Ohh!

[WHINING]

Come on!

Mmm!

[MOE WHISTLES]

Hello.

Is this the Farnsworth

Employment Agency?

Well, this is Flint

at the Van Bustle residence.

What about the cook and the two

butlers you were gonna send me?

I know they're tough to get,

but I need some help.

Well, send them over

as quickly as possible.

The sooner the better.

Never mind that order.

Everything's under control.

I'm your new cook.

There's your two butlers.

Oh, splendid.

So, you're the new cook.

Well, now remember, we serve

dinner promptly at 8.

And, uh,

incidentally, uh,

are you good

on stews?

Certainly. He's

always half-stewed.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[SIGHS]

Now, whenever you're ready,

serve the drinks.

And don't forget

the canapés.

"Canopies?"

Oh, you mean the toast

with the lace curtains.

Such levity.

You remind me

of the Three Stooges.

Hey! That's

an insult!

Well, now. I was

only joking. Carry on.

Now, what would he want

with a "can o' peas"?

Not "can o' peas."

"Canapés."

Not "can o' peas."

"Can o' peas."

One of us is crazy,

and it's not you.

Right. "Canapés."

Hors d'oeuvres.

Which one?

Canapés "or d'oeuvres"?

Make up your mind.

You put 'em

on crackers.

They give you

an appetite like a horse.

Oh. Animal crackers.

Ye--

Ohh!

Go on. Make

the canapés.

With animal crackers.

Nyuh-uh-uh!

Listen,

featherbrain.

Take this camera.

Keep your eyes open.

The minute you see the prince,

snap his picture.

Make it

a candid picture.

Yeah, candid picture

of a can o' peas.

You gonna start

that again?

I wish he would have

made it chopped liver.

Here.

Let's see, can o' peas.

Ah...can o' peas.

Animal crackers.

Hm.

Can opener.

Oh, there it is.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Canapés?

Canapés?

Whoa!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,

nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Cana-- Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Canapés?

Prince Shaam,

will you have

some

hors d'oeuvres?

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]

Oh, thank you,

Mrs. Van Bustle. Eh--

Uh--

Uh, why, my dear,

this caviar has

turned green.

It's mildewed.

What?

[GASPS]

That's no "calves' ear."

That's "can 'o peas."

Oh.

Fool!

So am I.

[BARKING]

[BOTH GASP]

[GRUNTS]

Mm-mm-mmm!

Ooh.

Hmm!

[TRAY CLATTERS]

Uh-ah-ah-ah!

[SPITS]

[SPITTING]

Mm-ah-ah-ah!

Ack-ack-ack-

ack-ack-ack!

You go get a picture

of those two

while I peddle

the lemonade.

They're over there

by the piano.

Here you are, folks! Get

your ice-cold lemonade!

Ohh!

It's delicious.

You'll love it!

[SCREAMS]

Oh. What's

the matter with her?

Here you are, folks.

Get your-- Hmm!

[GRUNTS]

Mmm!

Hm.

Ahh.

Ooh!

Here you are, folks!

Get your ice-cold lemonade!

It's delicious!

You'll love it!

Here you are, folks!

Step up, now!

You'll love it!

It's de-- Nyuh!

Have a lemonade?

Listen, you idiot.

That's for the guests.

And don't handle

the ice with your hands,

you featherbrain.

I think you're right. I'm

starting to get chilblains.

Hold this,

will you, please?

Oh--

Nyuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

Go get the ice tongs.

Yes, sir.

Everything's okay, boss.

We got in all right.

Yeah. I'll see if they're

snapping the picture. Goodbye.

[BONES CRUNCH]

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Get my nose out of here.

I'm suffocating.

Nyuck, nyuck!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh.

Nyuck, nyuck.

Why don't you

look where you're going?

Why don't you keep your nose

out of strange doors?

[GRUNTS]

Hmmm.

Ohh. Ohh.

♪ La lee la ♪

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!

Oh. Ice tongs.

Yeah.

Ohh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Here. Go on! Ah--

Mmmm!

Go on.

What are you

doing?

I think it's silly too,

but orders is orders.

Put those things

away.

Have a lemonade? Ten cents

apiece or 3 for a quarter.

What?

I'm sorry. Have all you want.

It don't cost anything.

Here's eggs

in your vest.

[LOUD GULPING]

Ahh. That's

my 10th one today.

[LIQUID SLOSHES]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, the help

these days.

It's

deplorable.

♪ Nice, little turkey

Getting its bath at 7:30 ♪

♪ And will be well cooked

By 8:00 ♪

[LAUGHS]

Aah! Ohh!

You're

a wise guy, huh?

Ohh! Pah!

Nyah! Ohh!

[SPITS]

There we are. Now...

Prince Shaam. I think

we should announce

our wedding date,

don't you?

Oh, well, no, my dear.

I think an elopement would be

so much more romantic.

Uh, why don't we

plan to run away

together next week, huh?

[GASPS]

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

What's this?

[IMITATING CHILD]

It fall down.

I'm so sorry, prince.

These stupid people.

Oh, think nothing

of it, my dear.

It's all perfectly

all right.

I'm sorry, madam.

Can I take your glasses?

[FABRIC RIPPING]

You know...

[LAUGHS]

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

Uh, madam!

Nyuh-uh!

Your, uh-- Hmm.

[SCREAMS, SOBBING]

What happened?

You fools.

Get in that kitchen.

Mmm!

[BARKS]

Whoo-whoo!

[FLINT GROANS]

♪ Oh, why ♪ --

Ohh!

[DISHES CRASH]

Oh.

What happened?

"What happened?"

Yeah.

One of these days

I'll tear your tonsils out

and shove it

right in your eye!

Pipe down, you guys.

I got some great news.

The prince is really

gonna marry the dame.

They're eloping

next week.

But I didn't

get a picture.

You didn't?

Gimme that camera.

I'll get a picture...

I hope.

Hurry back. Uh--

[SNIFFS]

Hey, my turkey.

It's burning.

Oh, gum on my shoe.

Just my luck.

Oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh.

[SIZZLING]

Ohh!

Ohh! Oh, turkey.

Ha. I love turkey.

Come here.

Get outta here.

[SQUAWKS,

CAGE CRASHES]

What's the idea of

tearing that turkey apart?

Uh, no, I--

What's with you?

If it's found that way,

we'll lose 100 bucks.

What's the matter

with you?

That turkey belongs

to those people.

Now, don't let me hear you say

or do anything again

to a turkey.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Ohh!

[GASPS]

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Don't worry, buddy. We can do

without mashed potatoes.

There we are.

Pbbt!

Good as new.

[GROANS]

You idiot!

[GASPS]

Here you are, toots.

Here's the bird.

I'm so humiliated.

Nothing like this has ever--

Hey! I just gave you

the bird!

Very well.

Go ahead and carve it.

Oh, okay.

[GROANS]

Mmm!

That's kind of you,

but one--

Oww!

Nyuck. Nyuck, nyuck,

nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[YELPS]

[GASPS]

Mm-mm-mmm!

[YELPS]

Oh.

Mm-mm-mmm!

What's going on here?

Why didn't you kill this bird

before I brought it in?

Go on and carve.

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

Ah-uh-uh-uh-uh!

It's haunted!

You shut up

or I'll haunt you!

Oh!

It's alive!

Ah-uh!

WOMAN:

I never saw

anything like that.

I've never seen anything

like that before.

Yah, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

That's

incredible.

[ALL GASP]

Ah-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-

wa-wa-wa-wa!

[ALL GASP, SCREAM]

This is an outrage!

I am leaving!

FLINT:

Ooh!

Ooh. You stupid oafs!

STOOGES:

Ohh!

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

You maniacs!

You're fired!

ALL:

Ohh!

Get out!

Why, you...

[BARKS]

[ALL WHINE]

Nyuh-uh-uh!

I'm quitting. Let's get out

while the getting is good.

Quiet, mongoose.

We don't get the $100 bonus

until we get a picture

of the prince.

You're right.

Let's go and find him.

And don't shoot until you see

the bags under his eyes.

Right.

Come on.

[AMERICAN ACCENT]

Imagine that simpering old fool

falling for that line.

Me, a prince.

[SNICKERS]

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

[SQUAWKS]

Oh, jeepers, creepers.

What a night.

I told you

to shut up.

Oh. But I didn't --

Shh.

[SQUAWKS]

Oh, jeepers, creepers.

What a night.

I told you

to be quiet. Shh!

[BONES CRUNCH]

Ow, ow, ow! Ow!

Shh!

Come on.

[DOOR OPENS]

What's that?

Oh-- It's them!

Ha! I got you...

with the goods,

and you're going to jail!

Why, you--

Put your

dukes up.

That's what

you think.

[ALL CHATTERING, GRUNTING]

Ohh!

Oh! Oh!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

[GRUNTS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-

whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo

whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

All right, you!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh!

[BLOWS]

Uh.

Sorry, Mr. Bull,

but the prince ain't a prince.

He's a crook.

We've got a picture

of him robbing the safe.

We had him

arrested.

Yeah, so there ain't

no wedding and ain't no story.

No story?!

Why, this is the greatest scoop

that ever hit this town!

Stop the presses!

Hold everything

for an extra!

For an

extra 100?

You said it. Take this to

the cashier and get your dough.

Oh, boys!

We're millionaires!

We're

billionaires!

Mmmm!

Heh.

STOOGES:

So long.

So long, boys.

Ohh!

Hm-mm-mm!

Oh, there you are!

Oh, my dear,

dear boys.

You saved me

from a horrible fate.

You I shall marry

instead of that terrible prince!

Ohh.

[KISSES]

Whoo, whoo,

whoo, whoo!

[GROWLS]

Oh, well.

Nyuck, nyuck,

nyuck, nyuck!

[SCREAMS]

Ohh!

I'm poisoned. What's

the matter with you?!

What's the idea?

Ohh! Ohh!

What's the matter

with--?

Why, you--

Ahh, what do you want

from me?

What's the--?

I'll strangle

you.

I'm standing here.

I'm not doing it.

Oh! Mm-mm-mm!

Ohh!

Ha-ha-ho.

[♪]