Craig Ferguson: Tickle Fight (2017) - full transcript

["Can your Pussy Do the Dog" 
by the Cramps playing]

♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪

♪ You better move along... ♪

MAIN TITLE

♪ At the break of dawn ♪

♪Now doggone it, baby... ♪

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the dog... ♪



[audience cheering]

♪ Well this whole mess useless now
as a whistle on a plow ♪

♪ If your pussy can't do the dog... ♪

[applause]

[audience cheering]

[chuckles]

Hey, you.

Hi, everybody!

Hi! Look at me going backwards 
and forwards to annoy the cameramen.

[audience laughs]

I'm very happy to be here 
with you tonight.

I-- Do you know why I'm doing this?
I'll tell you why I'm doing this.

It's absolutely true.

I used to start every show
with "It's a great day for America."



When I was touring around America, 
I'd say, "It's a great day for America,"

and that's what I'd say. And then...

right about November...

[audience laughing]

[applause]

Yeah.

Right?

All right, all right.

Right about November of last year,

I'd say "It's a great day for America,"
and people would go fucking crazy!

At each other! So I started doing this...

in case anyone has a scope.

[audience laughs]

It's a very difficult time, of course,
for talking about--

What I do for a living--
You talk, people get very angry.

People are very--
The world is divided right now. Divided.

You know, 70 percent
of people are like, "Boo!"

And 30 percent of people are like, "Bah!"

They were like that before.

But the world is divided
over his opinion right now,

and it's very difficult to make
everybody happy.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

We know who I'm talking about here.

That's right. My beard.

[audience laughs]

But it's not a beard, everybody. 
It is not a beard.

It is a mustache with 
an [French accent] accoutrement.

[audience laughs]

'Cause, you know, this what happened.
I grew a mustache,

and then I was like, 
"Oh, that is too fucking creepy." So...

so I had to go an extra bit 
to kind of bring it down a little bit,

but I can't really grow a beard.
See? Look. Come on.

Oh, my God. Look at your beard,
you handsome fuck.

No, you. It's not TV.
I can fucking see you.

That is a great-- See, I wish 
I could grow a beard like--

Look at it! Jeez!

You grow a beard
like taking a shit, right?

Like, "Foom! Pfft!

Beard."

This is two years.

Like, the mustache comes pretty fast.
I'm like,"Look at my mustache.

I look dashing but weird and creepy

like The Child Catcher
in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ," but...

I heard this takes a long time,
but I've got--

This is a mustache with an accoutrement.

I've got other mustaches 
all over my body.

I do! I have a handle bar mustache
under each nipple.

I have a whiz bang on my ass.

That's a whiz bang mustache.
You know what I'm talking about, right?

Whiz bang mustache; a curly mustache 
with a curly bang-- a whiz bang.

Not the wiz bang sex thing.

Which I think is a thing.

Yeah, wiz bang's gotta be a sex thing.
Like, a wiz bang.

I think a wiz bang is when you have sex 
with someone from a Harry Potter film,

and...

and then you shout, "Wiz bang!"
at the end.

"Wiz bang! Ten points to Gryffindor."

[audience laughing]

"No, thank you, Hagrid."

[audience member hoots]

I'm covered in mustaches all over my body.
People are outraged, but I don't care.

Got a little Hitler mustache
above my junk.

I do! Yeah, I do! Why not?
I got Hitler mustache above my junk,

which is great, 
because when I get excited,

it looks like I'm giving a Nazi salute
in my pants.

[chuckling]

[German accent]
"Hi, baby.

I'll have sex with you now."

"Oh come on, Craig. 
You can't make fun of the Germans."

Yes, I can.

It is the only group of people left 
on Earth you can make fun of.

It is! You can't make fun of fat people,
or thin people or mi--

Short people. You can't say "short."

"No, don't say it." "I'm not going to!"

You can't make fun of anyone!
Actually, not even Germans.

They have to be Germans from the 1940s.

[audience laughs]

No, you can make fun of Germans.
They don't care.

Like, [German accent] "Oh, it's okay. 
Make fun of us.

It's all right. Pull our hair.
Tweak our whiz bangs."

Germans don't give a flat fuck 
what I think.

That's my new thing I say 
to appeal to kids.

Flat fuck. Hashtag: F-F.

"Flat fuck" is probably a sex thing, too.

Yeah. [chuckles]

A flat fuck...

is sex in a British apartment.

[audience laughing]

[British accent] "I say, would you like
to have a flat fuck?

And by 'flat,' I mean 'apartment,'
and by 'fuck,' I mean 'tea.'"

So... [chuckles]

[Southern accent]
"So, you'd like me to have tea

with ya in your apartment,
and not sex in any way."

[British accent]
"Absolutely."

"Whiz bang this way. Walk this way."

No, I am covered in hair. It's all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.

Everything's going to be all right. 
I have facial hair, which is--

Really, it's interesting.
When I was doing the late night show ,

people would get so angry when I was--
I could talk about anything else.

I could talk about religion,
or politics, or anything.

They're like, "It's all right.

He's just a douchebag 
from a different country." But...

when I grew facial hair,
people would go crazy.

Cat ladies were like, "Ah!"

They were like that anyway, but still!

Even today.

You know,
on the on the internet, on Twitter,

which is usually 
such a supportive forum of...

[audience laughing]

Somebody on Twitter said--

I'm going to go on
with the show in a minute. I will.

Somebody on Twitter said, 
"Craig, that facial hair

makes your mouth look 
like a horizontal threadbare vagina."

[sparse laughter]

[laughter increases]

[applause]

[chuckling]

I realize half of the guys in this room
are like, "What the fuck is he doing?

Why's he touching the side
of his mouth like that? That's weird.

Is that a European thing?"
"Yeah!"

[chuckles]

People get very--
Cat ladies would get so mad.

[stammers]

"Craig, you can't have a mustache,"
they used to tweet.

"You can't have a mustache. 
Tom Selleck has the mustache.

That was a real one.
Tom Selleck has the mustache."

I'm like, "It's not their mustache."

It's not like The Highlander :

[Scottish accent]
"There can be only one."

Anybody can have a mustache. Come on.

I don't know why cat ladies get so annoyed
at me having a mustache.

Anyway, what the fuck is a cat?

A cat's, like, 80 percent mustache.

That's what a cat is. A mustache, asshole,
and claws. That's what a cat is.

It's also the name of my lawyers.

So no illegal videotaping, 
or you'll be getting-- I don't know.

There's kind of a rumor
amongst the cat ladies

that I don't like cat ladies,
which is not true.

It's not true at all.
I was raised by a cat lady.

Well, you know, not really.
My grandmother was a cat lady.

She didn't have a cat, but she was
an angry, unpleasant bitter woman,

and I think that kind of counts.

I had my first sexual experience 
at my grandmother's house.

Oh, not like that! Don't be so sick!

A little bit like that. No, not like that!

No, I was at my grandmother's house.
I used to stay there after school,

because my mom had a job.

So my grandmother used to look after me,
but she didn't have time

to really look after a little kid 
that was a fat little annoying boy.

She had angry letters
to write and stuff, so...

This is before Twitter.
It was a tough time for cat ladies.

So she used to leave me alone 
and what I would always do

is I found the Sears catalog,
the Scottish Sears catalog,

and I used to go 
to the ladies' underwear section

of the Scottish Sears catalog.
It was very erotic.

Big giant robust women,
in whalebone corsets...

standing around in fields
pretending to eat apples.

[audience laughing]

I've got a bit of a stiffy
just talking about it right now.

[chuckling]

There's kind of a rumor 
with the cat ladies.

What I'm saying is the cat--
By the way,

the cat ladies think 
that I don't like cats,

which is not true. I love cats.

I've got a cat.

I'm not one of these guys that, like--
Guys say this. They're like,

[deep voice]
"I don't like cats. I don't trust them."

Trust is a human concept.

I have three dogs.
I wouldn't lend them money.

[audience laughs]

[as a dog]
"It was just 'til the end of the week."

No!

You can't trust animals like that.
They think differently.

You can't trust of hamster with your weed.

[audience laughing]

I learned that the hard way.

I will say this:
I love all God's creatures,

or all the universe's creatures,
whatever your belief system is, but I...

I don't care for hamsters.

That's the only one. 
I don't like them. They're bastards.

I don't like hamsters. I was raised--
I wasn't raised by hamsters.

[laughs]

That would be great, though, if I was.
Like, "Why does he do that all the time?"

[chuckles]

No, I hated hamsters 
when I was growing up,

because they break your heart, hamsters.
They're little bastards.

'Cause they all-- they keep--
They're suicidal.

All hamsters want to do is die.

We went through one a month.
Every time you got hamster,

all it wants to do is get behind
the refrigerator and die!

We moved house when I was about 16.
We moved the refrigerator,

there was a pile 
of hamster bones behind it.

And they had formed into a church.

[audience groans]

You're right. That got a little too dark.
But you know, it's worth trying.

Anyway, let's go on with the show.
Right? We'll go on. Here's the thing.

No, here's the thing.

If you've ever seen me before,

you'll know that you're in for an evening
of crushing disappointment.

[audience laughs]

Maybe that's if you had sex 
with me before.

I'm joking, of course.

If you've ever see me before, you'll know
what I like to do with the evening

is tell a joke. Just one.

That's all I usually have time for,
because I get easily sidetracked.

But I do have a joke for you this evening,

and I'm very excited about it,
because it is, in fact,

the oldest joke in the world.

[audience]
Woooo!

Wait, don't do ghost noises.
I don't want to get scared!

But It is the oldest joke
in the world.

I don't know if it's the old--
Here's the thing.

My friend Cara is an Egyptologist, right?

And she's in Egypt, because...

why not?

Very little point in going to Winnipeg 
if you're an Egyptologist.

"Find any pyramids and shit?"

"Not a thing."

So, she's in-- she's in Egypt,

she called me up and said, "We are 
on an archaeological dig right now,

and we believe we have found 
the remains of a public bathroom."

I was like, "Oh, weird."
She went, "Yeah, but even weirder,

on the wall written
in Hieroglyphics, is a joke."

I was like, "Wow."

I don't know if it's the oldest joke,

but it's the first written joke 
in the world.

Before this joke,
jokes were told in the oral tradition,

which would never work today, 
but they are--

[audience laughs]

But it's the first written joke.

And of course, it was a huge change
in human society when jokes arrived,

and they started writing them down.

Writing changed everything.

You know, and it was a huge leap forward.

You know, and it split down the middle.

Some people really were for writing.
Like, "Writing is going to be great!

Writing is going to change everything.

Sooner or later we'll get 
to the enlightenment through writing."

And then there were people
who didn't like writing.

They were like, "No, we don't like it."
At least, we think they thought that.

They left no record 
of how they actually felt.

But you know there were people 
against even writing.

There would be people like,
"Oh, I don't know if it's a good idea.

All this writing's gonna lead
to fornicating."

[audience laughs]

They always do. You know, it's always

whenever something arrives, 
anything at all,

whenever there's any change,
humans are against it.

It's the only thing
that unites all humans,

is their hatred of change.

Which I think is really weird,

because it is the only thing
you can absolutely guarantee:

That there's going to be change.
There's always going to be change.

For example, in America,
in November of last year...

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

...there was a bit of a change.

Don't worry, 
I'm not getting into the politics of it.

I'm not that guy. I'm not going 
to think it, but I have to say this.

When I saw that, I was like, "Hmm.

Shit."

I have only ever regretted 
leaving late night once.

[audience cheering]

When I heard...

[applause]

When I heard...

When I heard
Donald Trump was running for president,

I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?"

[audience laughs]

That's like when Dick Cheney shot 
his lawyer in the face.

It's just beautiful.

I mean, come on!

That's a gift.

I used to have to work at monologues.
Now this fucker runs for president?

[audience laughs]

And I knew right away.
I knew right away he was gonna win.

Right away I knew. Other people were like,
"No, he's not gonna win."

I knew he was gonna win
right from the very first debate.

The very first one.
The first Republican debate,

when it was Jeb Bush,
said to Donald Trump--

Remember Jeb Bush?

Wasn't he adorable and non-threatening?

Jeb Bush said to Donald Trump,
he said, "Uh...

Donald, you said something bad
about Mexico,

and my wife is Mexican,
I would like you to apologize to her."

And Trump said, "No."

[audience laughs]

I was like, that's it. 
He's gonna fucking win.

And I-- You know, it always happens.
I'm thinking, "Jeb, you fucking idiot.

You idiot.
You have painted yourself into a corner.

You said to a man, 'Apologize to my wife.'

That man said, 'No.'
Now you have to fucking hit him.

It's in the Constitution
of the United States!"

[applause]

I knew he was going to win.  I knew--
I knew he was going to win.

I was like, "Oh, fuck."

Just that amount of self-confidence.
I know America.

I'm American. I've studied Americans. 
They like someone who's confident.

It doesn't matter if they're right.

Just confident. It's that level 
of self-confidence is unbelievable to me.

I was watching him, I'm like, "How often 
does somebody like that turn up?"

[audience laughs]

I mean, it's that level of confidence. 
Look, you can like him or hate him,

or you can agree with him
or not agree with him, but...

that's inspirational.

Do you think he ever wakes up
like a normal human being

at four o'clock in the morning,
and thinks, "Maybe I'm a dick."

I don't think so. I think he wakes up
and goes, "I'm not a dick."

Everybody thinks that,
but I don't think he does.

I think he's totally confident.
Like, "Oh I'm not a dick."

And even like half of his own party 
are calling him a dick,

and everybody from half of the world
is calling you a dick. Maybe more.

You know, 
it was so difficult for me as well.

I felt personally
that I'd been shortchanged,

because where I come from,
in Glasgow in Scotland,

the word "trump" means "shit."

[audience laughing]

You'd say, "I had Indian food last night.

I've been trumpin' my brains out all day."

Or, "Ah, shit!
That seagull just trumped in my hair."

No, that's not true.

But if somebody tweets it...

[applause]

That's right.

That's how stuff becomes true now,
everybody.

Tweet it, retweet it,
retweet it, fucking true.

[audience laughs]

See, it used to be...

in the old days of journalism--
you young kids won't remember this,

but in the old days of journalism,

they used to do something 
called "fact checking."

And fact checking, what they would do is
they find out if something was true first

before they reported it.

Isn't that adorable?

[audience laughs]

Now it's like, "Got to be first!"
Like, "Is it true?"

"Who fucking cares?
Get it up there! Quickly! First!

Tweet, retweet, tweet!"
It's on the website.

"Boom, boom!" Right?
It's on Buzzfeed,

right next to "Six Celebrities 
who are taller than you'd think."

[audience laughing]

"Wow, Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one?
I can't believe it."

Oh, she is.

She is. We can make that happen.

Like, if we start tweeting tonight,
"Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one,"

in about a month,
she'll be six-foot-fucking-one.

She'll be going for jobs 
as, like, this sassy blonde,

and they'll be like, "No, she's too tall."

"What height is she?" "Six-foot-one." 
"Are you sure?"

Reese Witherspoon will google herself,
and go, "What the fuck is going on?"

I've never met her,
but I'm sure that's how she talks.

"What the fuck is going on?"
and then she'll, like a little hamster,

then she'll go behind the refrigerator.

All right, all right.

You're right. That was too dark.

Anyway, look, the point is, 
I think I'm gonna shave my beard off.

-[audiene oohs]
-Oh! Excuse me?

Did I say, "Let's have an audience poll"?

[audience laughs]

No. I think I'm gonna have 
to shave it off. I'll tell you why.

Because I have a 16 year old son--
I have two sons, but one of them 16,

and he said something to me 
about my beard, and I'm like, "You..."

[audience laughs]

He said-- he said, 
"Dad, I like your beard."

I was like, "Mm-hmm."

He was like, "Yeah.

Makes you look like a magician."

[audience laughing]

"Fuck you."

That's how you deal
with teenagers, parents.

You know, good parenting: "Fuck you."

[chuckles]

'Cause he knows-- 'cause he knows 
I hate magic and I hate magicians.

Oh, yeah. "Ta-da." "Fuck off."

I don't like it. "Oh, what'd you call--"

"Put them away!"

"Look what's in my hat."
I don't care what's in your fucking hat.

See, now I tell people
that I don't like magic and magicians,

and they're like,
"Craig, what are you talking about?

You love magic. You love magicians.

You're the only late night host 
in the history of late night television

that had Magic Week twice a year
for ten years.

You are the magician's friend."
Au contraire, motherfuckers.

[audience laughs]

No, I don't like magic and magicians.

I didn't have Magic Week 
on the late night show

because I like magic and magicians.

I had Magic Week,
'cause my friend Chris likes tequila.

Let me explain.

I couldn't tell this story before,
because it's technically illegal.

It's illegal.

What's CBS going to do? 
Fire me? It's too late.

So, here's the thing.

-[audience cheers]
-Thank you, everybody.

[applause]

[chuckling]

So here's the story. Here's what happened.
This is true. This is why it happened.

Just when I started doing 
the late night show,

my friend Chris went to Las Vegas
for the first time.

Uh, he's a nice kid from Wisconsin.
Crazy, lovely guy,

and he never been to Las Vegas before.

So he went, and he was there
for the first time, and he loved it.

It was fantastic. 
He was staying at the MGM Grand,

the one with the big lions and stuff.

And his first morning there,

he goes down to the all-you-can-eat
breakfast buffet.

I don't have you been to Vegas,
but it's very classy,

and you can eat anything you want.

And he'd never been,

and he was like, "So I can have anything?
Anything at all for breakfast? Anything?"

And they're like, "Yeah."
"Okay, I'll have tequila. Ha-ha-ha."

And they thought he was cute,
so they gave him tequila.

Which is not a good idea.
You should never--

Kids, never have tequila for breakfast.

Tequila for breakfast can lead to tequila
for mid morning snack, and...

What happened is that Chris started
drinking tequila at 9:00 a.m.,

which is very bad idea.

And right at about
two o'clock in the afternoon,

he did something 
which you should never do on tequila.

He had an idea.

[audience laughing]

Here's what happened. He was like...

[mutters]

And he goes outside, 'cause he thought,
"I have to see a bit of outside."

He goes outside, and the complimentary
limousine for the MGM is outside.

And the driver isn't in it,
but he left the engine running,

because of the air conditioning.
So the engine's running,

and it's got "complimentary limousine"
written on it, and he thinks...

"Well, if it's complementary...

That's French for 'free,' isn't it?

[French accent] Complementary.

I'll take it!" So he got in the limousine,
and he drove it away.

[audience laughs]

That's not allowed.

He drove this 
complimentary limousine away,

and he was driving
down The Last Vegas Strip,

and he's like, he starts--
He's not a bad guy. Chris is a good guy.

He starts to go, "Wait a minute.
What have I done?"

He's got "Bad Chris" on one shoulder,
and "Good Chris" on another shoulder.

Bad Chris is like, "Yeah, let's make
for the border! Ha-ha! Fuck everybody!"

And Good Chris is going,
"Chris, what are you doing?"

'Cause Good Chris is gay.

[audience laughing]

That doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry.

[chuckling]

What are you doing, Chris?
Eventually, Good Chris won the day.

And Chris is like, "Oh, my God.
I can't do this," so he stops the car.

This is true. He stopped the car 
in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip,

and he got out and there's 
fucking helicopters and cops chasing him,

He was like, "It's fucking going off!"
and he put his hands up,

and he did what many-- 
certainly I might do in that situation,

he put his hands up and he started to cry.

Big salty wet tears falling down.

But unfortunately,

the Last Vegas Police Department 
have seen a grown man cry before.

[audience laughing]

And their hearts did not 
grow three sizes that day.

And they took my friend Chris,
and they put him in jail.

In jail. Chris can't go to jail. 
He's a beautiful, smooth kid.

He's gorgeous. I mean, 
he's really a handsome guy.

I'm not gay, but I'd start a tickle fight
with him, see where it went.

Oh, we're tickling.

Ha-ha, buddy. We're tickling.
Ooh, we're kissing. Okay, we're kissing.

[audience laughing]

That's all right. It's cool.

[laughs]

Anyway, here's the thing.

As they take Chris
and put him in jail, he's freaking out.

So, you know,

he's like-- They say, "Okay you get 
to make one telephone call. Only one."

And he's freaking out,
he's still kind of drunk on tequila,

and he can only remember 
one telephone number.

The place where he works.

The Late Late Show 
with Craig Ferguson on CBS.

That's true.

So I got a call in my office 
that afternoon.

This guy says, "Will you accept a call 
from The Last Vegas City Jail?"

I was like, "You bet I will!

[audience laughs]

[applause]

Yes, indeed!

I was wondering what the monologue
was going to be tonight. Yeah!"

So, well...

I actually thought it was family, so I--

[audience laughs]

But it was Chris, and he was like, 
"Man, I fucked up! I'm in a jail in Vegas.

I'm in a lot of trouble. I stole a car,

and oh man, it's bad."

I was like, "Chris! Oh my God! 
This is awful.

Don't start any tickle fights,
don't look at them in the eye.

Don't worry, I'm gonna come get you.

I'm going to get you out of there, buddy.
You hang tight."

He's like, "Okay," and I hung up,
then I thought, "I'm not going to Vegas."

[audience laughs]

Then I thought, 
"I gotta get him out of there.

He's way too smooth 
to be in jail in Las Vegas."

No-- You know, he's not equipped 
for that kind of thing, so...

I thought, "How am I going
to get him out?"

I don't know if you know this about me,
but in the 1980s,

[chuckles]

I worked in Manhattan.

I worked in the Manhattan Island area
of New York City,

and I was still "waiting 
on my green card confirmation."

[audience laughing]

and so I worked in construction 
for some guys

who had an informal
employment arrangement, and...

[audience laughs]

I kept in touch with one of the guys
from the life back in the 80s,

so I called up this guy--
You know, let's call him "Tony."

I call up Tony, 
and I'm like, "Hey, Tony. It's Craig.

He was like, "Hey, what's a come and a go?
Tutti frutti .

Ay-ya-ya. Ay, ha-ha!

Oh, icecream!"

He's Italian.

I call up Tony, and tell him about Chris.

He's like, "I don't know anybody 
in Las Vegas." I was like, "Oh, no."

But he said he did know a guy in Philly
who might be able to help,

so we called up his friend in Philly.
Let's call him "Carmine."

[audience laughs]

Also Italian.

But Carmine didn't know anyone 
in Vegas, either,

but he did know a guy in Chicago.
I'm like, "All right."

We get on the line and call this guy
in Chicago. Let's call him "Frankie."

Um...

So, we got-- [chuckles]

And Frankie does actually know a guy 
in Las Vegas,

We call up this guy--
That-- This is what happened.

Three Italians and a Scotsman on the--

It's not even a joke!
That's what was happening.

[audience laughs]

And we call up this guy in Las Vegas.
I swear, it's true.

A judge in Las Vegas 
that you know, Frankie knows.

And...

I can't believe I'm telling you this,
but it's true.

This is how you know it's true,
'cause it's so outlandish,

you're like, "That can't be true."

But it's true.

The judge was completely honest,
and in no way open to a bribe.

[audience laughs]

I was like, "This is fucking Las Vegas 
we're talking about, right?"

But the judge was like, 
"No, I can't help you, fellas."

But we got talking,
and threatening, and...

[audience laughs]

And eventually, it turned out

that-- I swear this is true. 
It could only happen in America.

It could really only happen in Las Vegas.

It turned out 
the judge was not only a judge.

He also represented magicians.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

I swear it's true.

Now, the magicians 
that this judge represented,

they weren't kind of like, you know, 
white tiger magicians

or David Copperfield,
or anything like that.

They were off the strip magicians. 
You know, North Las Vegas magicians.

Guys that were jumping 
out of dumpsters, going, "Eh!"

So we talk to this judge, 
and the judge says, "All right, Craig.

I'll tell you what. You book Magic Month--
A month of my magicians,

and I'll let your buddy walk." I'm like,
"Magic Month?" He went, "Magic Month."

I went, "Fuck it, Judge. Hang him."

[audience laughs]

So we argue a little bit. 
We get it down to Magic Week.

And I book five of these shitty magicians,
and Chris walks, and...

What was he really guilty of, anyway?
High spirits in Las Vegas?

Well, the judge pointed out technically
it was grand theft auto and a DUI.

One to five in Nevada, first time.

I know. Tickle fight.

That's how, you know--
That's how I had Magic Week,

because I had to get Chris out of jail. 
Now, I know that explains one Magic Week.

It doesn't explain Magic Week
twice a year for ten years.

It's not like I was running 
a crime syndicate in Las Vegas.

What happened was,
I booked five of these shitty magicians,

but if you remember that late night show,

shitty magicians was
kind of the vibe I was going for.

[audience laughs]

But when I tell people, 
"I don't like magicians."

They're like, "Craig, you love magicians.
Who are you, man?

You like cats.
You've got more than one mustache.

You hate magicians?

You're not the guy we made up in our heads

when we were watching free TV
when we were high.

[audience laughs]

We don't recognize you." And I understand.
I don't recognize myself anymore.

I'm 55 years old for God's sake.

[audience hoots]

How dare you?

Ooh, still not dead. Look at you.

No, 55. I was like, "I should have been
dead a while ago, I think, really."

Thanks.

No! I don't know what happened.
I've changed beyond all recognition.

I don't drink, I don't smoke.

I don't-- I don't fuck around.
I don't take drugs.

I don't gamble. I don't eat meat.
I don't do dairy.

I've got Mormons coming up to me saying,
"You should lighten the fuck up, pal."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[chuckling]

You know what it is? 
It's-- Los Angeles did it to me.

Los Angeles turned me into a pussy.

Actually, I kind of stopped drinking
before I went to LA.

Stopped taking drugs before I went there.
Stopped taking drugs before--

Scotland, really, I did all the drugs.

That's right.
I did all the drugs in Scotland.

No, I did all the drugs.

Like, "Does anyone have some heroin?"
They're like, "No, Craig's taken it all."

"But we want to do Trainspotting ."
"Sorry."

I did a lot of drugs in Scotland.
That's-- that's where I needed them.

Not to escape the violence,
and Sectarian hatred.

You get used to that.

[audience laughs]

It's like living next to the airport.
Hardly notice it after a while.

[screams]

What, what? Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, yeah.

No, I needed drugs in Scotland.
Not to escape that kind of stuff,

but to escape
my mother's sense of interior design.

Now remember, I came of age in the 1970s,

the worst design period in human history.

It was awful.
It was a terrible time to do it.

You young hipsters bring it back
even fucking ironically.

It was a terrible time in the 1970s.
It was awful. Life was hell.

They had nylon bed sheets in the 1970s.
What kind of madness is that?

Nylon bed sheets? That's crazy! When I was
staying at my grandmother's house,

when I was 16, I used to have to sleep
in the spare bedroom.

There were nylon sheets on that bed,

and I was in there,
I was 16, with a Sears catalog.

[audience laughs]

You got a teenage boy and a Sears catalog,
there's going to be friction.

And fiction plus nylon equals electricity.

[audience laughing]

I thought Jesus was angry with me.

[applause]

It was a terrible time in 1970s. 
Everyone had sideburns.

Everyone had sideburns!

Men had sideburns,
women had sideburns.

Everyone was covered in hair.
It was terrible.

Everyone was hairy. It's true.

If you look at 70s porno,

it looks like a documentary about bears.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

No, I came of age during the--  There's
this terrible period in human design,

and then you combine that 
with my own Mother's--

Listen, I loved my mother.

I did, but she had the design instincts 
of a Middle Eastern dictator.

Maybe worse, even.
If Saddam Hussein had come to her house,

he'd have been like, "This is a bit 
over the top. Don't you think?"

[audience laughing]

'Cause Saddam Hussein talked 
like gay Dracula.

[audience laughs]

That's so...

[chuckling]

My apologies to any gay vampires.

[groans]

[as a vampire]
"Finally, a joke for us.

One. One joke for us."

It was terrible in her house,
because it was the 70s,

and because it was my mom's design.

Those of you that were around 
in the 1970s,

we used to--
we used to sit around the TV.

A TV was like a phone, except you couldn't
get calls on it. It was weird. Uh...

Uh, but we used to sit,
and it was a small room and a TV,

and then those of you 
that remember the 1970s,

you'll remember that wallpaper.
You probably remember.

The wallpaper with the onions?
The kind of onion thing on it?

There was onions and a kind of a line 
held together by kind of a membrane.

You know I'm talking about? It was kind of
like a brown and yellow kind of onion.

It looked like Larry King's testicles
on the wall.

Not that I've seen Larry King's testicles.

[audience laughing]

I've seen one.

But it was from a distance.
He was running away, so...

"Why are you chasing me?"

"Come on Larry, let's have a tickle fight."

[chuckles]

It was like,  they had
a Larry King testicle wallpaper

which was-- Oh, my God. It was horrible.
Then on the ceilings,

in the 1970s, they used to put this stuff 
that looked like whipped cream

with porridge in it. It looked like--

It looked like seagulls' shit 
with grit inside it or something.

This-- this weird ceiling gunk.
It was like meringues on the ceiling.

Highly flammable.

You get on nylon sheets and jerk off...
the whole thing would go up.

[audience laughing]

Ta-da! So...

So, you got-- [chuckles]

You got that Larry King's testicles 
on the wall,

and there's seagulls' shit on the ceiling,
and then shag carpeting.

Shag carpeting looked like 
mammoth pubes on the floor.

Shag carpeting the color 
of an Orange Julius,

or perhaps a particular president.
There's, uh...

There's orange shit on the floor,

the things up there,

and the fucking that.

It was like...

[applause]

It was like being on bad acid 
in that room.

And sometimes,
I was on bad acid in that room.

And then, in the center of the room,

there was the  pièce de résistance.

Which of course, as you know, 
is French for "piece of resistance."

[audience laughing]

Conversation piece coffee table.
Everyone had one in the 1970s.

We were no exception.
They had to be good, right?

It had to be kind of,
like, a flamboyant thing.

Like, "This is our little Versailles
in the middle of our house."

And ours, it was meant to look
like this ornate coffee table.

It was meant to have four marble legs, 
but we couldn't afford marble.

So, it was like gray plastic 
with a purple line drawn on it.

It was very penis-y.

[audience laughing]

Like four straight penises coming at ya.

Sounds better than it was.

[laughs]

Four penis-y legs, and then--
And then on top of that,

a fabric which has since been outlawed
since the 70s: Burgundy velveteen.

It was terrible. And then it's on top
of the burgundy velveteen,

a tableau made out of some kind
of recycled metal,

uh, of horses galloping.

But it wasn't horses galloping 
like that, galloping along.

It was like they were coming towards you.
It was their faces. Like, "Ah!"

Four horses, 
and then on top of that, smoked glass,

'cause you gotta have smoked glass,
'cause it's the 1970s.

So, it looked like 
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

coming at you 
from some sort of dangerous volcano.

It was impossible to do drugs
off of that table.

[audience laughs]

I'd chop a line, go down to get it,

see the horses, shit my pants,
and run away.

No. It was bad.

So, you know, anyway, 
I don't do drugs anymore, I don't drink,

You know, I'm cleaned up.

I'm all right. I'm a vegan, for God sakes.

Truth. No, save your energy, vegans.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

No, I am, though. I am vegan.

It's weird when you're vegan. 
It makes people angry, doesn't it?

People get angry when you say--
Well, Americans get angry.

They're like, "Vegan?
You hate America now?"

Americans get angry. Canadians...

they don't get angry.
They just don't understand the concept.

Like, [Canadian accent] "Vegan. Okay!

[audience laughing]

Can you have bacon?"

But people think you've joined a cult, 
or something, when you become a vegan.

Like, "Can you have an egg?"

It's like, "I can have what I want.

It is a dietary choice."

It's not like if I have an egg, 
the vegan SWAT team are gonna show up.

"Hi, we're the vegan SWAT team.
Oh, we're tired."

[pants]

[audience laughs]

No, it's just a choice. That's what it is.

You get old enough, you start to notice,

you know, certain things have 
an effect on your body.

For example, if I eat an egg,

I don't take a trump for three days.

Oh, that's a thing now.
That's a thing now.

Yeah. It's a thing now.

[cheering, applause]

That's a thing.

But you know, it's--

Then it's the opposite if I drink milk.
If I drink milk, it's like...

"Hrrrm.

Hrrm, ah.

Ow, ooh."

[whooshes]

It's like one of these weather guys in
a hurricane or something. It's horrible.

[audience laughs]

It's just that I notice things
have an effect.

For me, the big one of course is alcohol.

If I drink alcohol,
I have an allergic reaction,

which manifests itself 
in a craving for more alcohol.

[audience laughs]

And of course, that leads to more alcohol,

and more alcohol.

Before you know what's happening,
I wake up three days later

in a shallow grave in Bogotá,
with my fingers smelling like Bill Cosby.

[audience laughing]

[audience]
Ooh.

[applause]

Wait, wait.

You just fucking "Ooh" me?

You just ooh-ed me, and then gave yourself
a round of applause for ooh-ing me.

"Ooh. Yeah, we showed him."

Let me just point out,
it was not me that did that.

[audience laughing]

[imitates Bill Cosby]

[applause]

[chuckles]

Look, what I'm saying is I don't drink,
and I don't do drugs, I'm a vegan.

You know the real reason I became a vegan?
I know it's probably not--

It doesn't behoove me to say it,
but you know who I blame.

Netflix...

Fuckers.

[audience laughing]

My guess is this will be cut out.

But...

-[applause]
-[chuckling]

Welcome back from the edit, everybody.

[audience laughing]

[chuckling]

No, you know what?
Netflix is an excellent thing, isn't it?

[audience cheers]

No, here's the thing.

I watched a documentary about,
you know, uh,

bad meat, or something, on Netflix.
And I'm like, "Oh, no."

I stopped eating meat for a couple days,
and then I tried to go back,

and I can't. It's still in my mind.

I keep thinking about it. It's like 
the Sears catalog, but like food.

Can't get it out of my head.
Can't go back.

Netflix has changed me. It's changed me.

Because of Netflix, I had to go to Japan.

[audience member]
Woo!

-Let me explain.
-[audience laughs]

This is a true story. I--

When I was about 13 years old,
when I was 13,

my father and I went on a father-son trip,
the only one we ever took,

to visit my uncle James, who lived 
in Long Island, just outside New York.

It was my first time in America.
It changed me. I wanted to go there.

I wanted to be part of all that.
I wanted to go and live in America.

So, when my--
So when my own son,

you know, my oldest boy turned 13,

I said, "Wherever you want to go 
in the world, son, you and me go there.

Just you and me, and we'll go there."
And I'm hoping like, "Come on, Montreal!"

[audience cheers]

[applause]

Or "Wherever you're watching this
on Netflix." I was like that.

[audience laughing]

"Wow, how did he know we were at--
Yeah, no, people really like it here.

In 'our region'" So...

[audience laughs]

because we-- we've been watching Netflix,

I said to my son, 
I said, "Anywhere you want."

And because we watch Netflix--

He watches Japanese anime. 
He loves anime.

And he loves, like, Cowboy Bebop ,
and Soul Eater , and I guess Pokemon,

and all that stuff.
It's all this amazing stuff.

He loves all that, so he said,
"No Dad, I want to go to Japan."

I never really thought about
going to Japan.

I wasn't for it. I wasn't against it.

It just never really occurred to me.

It was like having sex 
with a ginger person or something.

It just never really...

never really came up.

[audience laughing]

Maybe once with Carrot Top,
I thought about it for a minute, but...

I don't like props. So, they...

[chuckles]

But I was wrong
to not want to go to Japan.

I mean, Japan is amazing.

Somebody here must have been to Japan.
Anyone been to Japan?

It's an unbelievable place.
Beautiful place.

I think when 
Japanese people visit the west,

they must think we are 
backward heathen Medieval savages.

Just by the way we clean our bottoms.

And they may have a point.
I mean, look, think about this.

Imagine-- I wouldn't wish this on you,
but imagine you got a little piece of...

trump on your hand.

[audience laughs]

All right. Imagine you got a little piece 
of shit on your hand. It can happen.

I don't know. You're at party,
a tickle fight starts, you know.

Suddenly, your fist is covered
in human feces.

Oh come on. We've all been there.

[laughing]

I feel happy not to be on CBS.

But yeah...

[audience laughs]

No. Imagine you got 
a piece of shit on you, right?

You don't you don't get a piece 
of dry paper off the wall,

and go, "Okay, that's it. Clean now.

Yeah, that's good. Let's go."

[audience laughing]

That's what you do
in the bathroom in the west.

Poop, scrape, done.

Japanese bathroom:
Entirely different experience.

You go to Japanese bathroom, it is
tran-scen-fucking-dental, my friends.

It's beautiful.

You walk in a Japanese bathroom,
the lights change.

It knows you're there, 
and the Enya music starts up.

[hums new-age tune]

It's beautiful, and the portal opens up 
to another dimension.

It's unbelievable. It's just gorgeous.

And you sit down in the seat,
and it is warm.

Warmed by electricity. Not that fat guy
in front of you at the airport.

Electricity!

[applause]

You're like, "This is nice," 
and you do your filthy business,

and then when you're finished,
it knows when you're finished.

Which I think is weird, 'cause sometimes,
I don't even know when I'm finished.

[audience laughs]

But it knows.

And when you're finished, and you're done,

water jets start up.
Water jets from underneath.

You're like, "Oh! What's going on?"

It's like little midget firefighters
are down there. Shhh!

"Come on! Let's get it out of here!"

"Not on my watch!
God damn it! Come on!"

Like, "Oh! Oh, my God."

[audience laughing]

When that's over, you think,
"It can't get better than that."

You are wrong.

Then, when that's over, dryers start.

Dryers!

[hums deeply]

It's like monks are chanting 
directly into your anus.

[humming deeply]

[growling]

[audience laughing]

When that's over, you think,
"It can't get better than that."

You're wrong again!

When that's over...

Ff-- poof!

A mushroom cloud of scented talcum powder.

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Oh!"

[applause]

[sobbing]

It's not often I say this, but I left that
bathroom a better man than walked in.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

Actually, the truth is, when it was over, 
I just sat there, like, "My God.

Wonder if I could go again."

[audience laughing]

But the toilet knows.

"You can go again
in four hours, 23 minutes."

"See you then, Nessen 5000."

"Take care, Space Cowboy."

So, thanks for that, Netflix,
I guess. I, um...

Just to think about it.
I'm working for Netflix.

We all kind of work for Netflix now.

Like, it's changed the world.
This Netflix thing.

You know, being able to watch shows 
when you want to watch it.

There's not just Netflix.
There's Netflix and Hulu and Crackle,

and you know, Ass Bandit. 
I don't know, all the different ones.

And they--
I don't know if Ass Bandit is one.

-But you know what I mean.
-[audience laughs]

There's all these different things.

You can watch
whatever show you want to watch

when you want to watch it,

which I think is a good idea.

Except...

when it comes to the news.

I don't think you should 
be able to watch the news

when you want to watch the news 
and what you want to watch,

because it can have-- that's
at the core of what's going wrong,

because all the conservatives
watch Fox News

so they can get the news 
the way they agree with it.

And then all the liberals, 
they watch all the other media outlets

to get the news 
the way they agree with it,

and then people 
who don't give a fuck just watch CNN.

'Cause they really don't give a fuck.
That should be their thing now.

[deep voice]
"CNN: We don't give a fuck."

Look out for my next special on CNN.

[audience laughs]

I get my news from the BBC.

-[audience cheers, applause]
-That's right.

Because, like many people,

I believe if I hear the news
in an English accent,

-I'm somehow smarter than everybody else.
-[audience laughs]

Kind of works, though.

It kind of works, that English accent. 
I don't know why it works.

I've met plenty of stupid English people.
'Ello, Gov'na. 'Ello. Wanna wiz bang?"

[audience laughing]

But that upper class English voice,
it does it every time.

I don't know why it does it to me.
It shouldn't but it does.

I hear the news, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah."
It's like when they--

[British accent] "Today in America,
Donald Trump said something very naughty,

and everyone is very upset."

I'm like, "I can imagine they are, BBC.
Thanks for the info.

I'll just make a cup of tea,

put some petrol in my lorry, and go away."

It's that voice that does it every time.

If you ever want to imply
dignity and bearing,

you use an English upper class voice.
It always works.

In Star Wars , Obi Wan Kenobi

when they're trying to get 
the Great Jedi Knight.

They used Sir Alec Guinness.

With that voice it was beautiful, that,

[British accent] "So...

you want to be a Jedi."

Which sounds great
and much better than,

[Southern accent]
"So you wanna be a Jedi?

[audience laughing]

[snorts]

Feel the force, Luke."

That voice does it every time. That voice.

They did it with Hannibal Lecter too
in Silence of the Lambs.

'Cause he was just serial killer,
but that's not scary enough.

You want to make him
a very clever serial killer

that will eat you after he kills you,

so he would say, you know,
that voice,Tony Hopkins,

[British accent]
"Do you hear the lambs, Clarice?"

[audience laughing]

Very frightening. It's not frightening
if you just said, "Do you hear Lambs?"

I was never very frightened 
by that anyway, to be honest.

I was frightened enough,
but not extra frightened.

I'm frightened of serial killers,
but not of cannibal serial killers,

'cause once you're dead...

[audience laughing]

It's the whole fucking point 
of being dead, isn't it?

Bon appétit, motherfucker. I don't care.

At that point, you know, 
you can get the news from CNN.

You don't give a fuck anymore.

Afraid of cannibals? Kidding me?

Frightened of death a little bit.

Stand to toy that notion. It worries me.

You young people,
you don't even think about it.

Fuck you man, with your great beard.

"What is death? Is that like no wifi?"

Yeah. It is.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

You know, in about 50 years, they're 
gonna have to start burying people

with their phone like that in their hand.

'Cause if it's not on social media,
it didn't happen.

"Here's me decomposing.
[chuckles]

Hashtag: Mortality."

[audience laughing]

I realize being angry at young people 
and their technology is a sign of aging.

I'm sorry. I don't mean it. It's just that
I'm kind of annoyed at smartphones. I--

I understand that they are very useful.

But they're very addictive,
and I have a bad history with addiction.

And I...

I don't know if anyone has a good history
with addiction.

"Yeah, I was addicted to heroin.
It was awesome." Uh...

But I have a history with it, and I think
they're addictive, but they're so useful.

I mean, I suppose heroin's useful as well,
sometimes when you're,

"I just can't sleep." "Try heroin."

[audience laughs]

What it is, is like, they're so--

They're so useful they're really useful.
Like, I used one recently.

Got me out of a medical emergency, 
my cell phone.

Well, it wasn't a medical emergency,
but it was a thing.

I was on the road, I was touring,

and I-- I developed a lump in my ass.

[audience laughs]

Oh, yeah, thanks. That's a big laugh.
Thanks a fucking...

"Oh, ha-ha! Oh, a lump in your ass!"

[cackles]

No, I got a lump in my ass.
It was horrible.

And you know when you're young,
you get a lump in your ass,

"Lump in my ass! Ha-ha!
Let's go out!" But...

You get older, you think, "Lump in my ass?
Is this it? Is this how I'm gonna go?

-[audience laughs]
-Ass lump?

Is this gonna be--
this gonna be my TMZ thing?

'Oh, the curse of late night.
Another ass lump.

A former late night ass lump death.'"

I called up my doctor in Los Angeles,
and I described the lump in my ass,

and he's like, "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Do you have a smartphone?"

I was like, "Yeah! Is that it?
Is it radiation in my smartphone?

Is it giving me ass cancer?"

He was like, "No, you idiot. 
You have a smartphone?"

I went, "Yeah." He said, "All right.
Take a photograph of the ass lump

and email it to me."

I was like... "Doctor!

[audience laughing]

That usually has gotta be the third date."

But...

he's a doctor, so...

I got around there,

thanks the Kundalini Yoga,

and I took a selfie.

It's very close up. It was very, you know,
it was a very kind of-- Right.

You wouldn't be able to tell.

Like, you wouldn't go,
"My God! An ass lump!"

It was an abstract looking thing.

It looked like a tie dye T-shirt,
or something like that.

You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah.

Next time you see one, you'll remember 
our special evening together.

[audience laughs]

So anyway, I sent him a picture
of my ass lump.

He's like, "Oh yeah, what you got there, 
Craig, is a hemorrhoid."

I was like, "Oh! 
I've never had one of those."

He was like, "Well, congratulations.

You had a good long run.

Now you're one of us."

I was like, "What I do about it?"
He said, "Just put some cream on it."

I said, "No, not the hemorrhoid.
The photograph.

-What do I do with the photograph?"
-[audience laughs]

He's like, "I don't care."

And this is how you know I'm
a small-minded, petty, vindictive man,

'cause I swear this is true.

I went to the caller ID section 
of my smartphone,

and it's the photograph that comes up
when my ex wife calls me.

-[audience laughing]
-I swear it's true.

Doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo,
doodle-loo-doo doo--

[screams]

The pain in my ass.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

But I'm addicted to my phone,
and then you try put it down,

you feel it-- strange shit happens to you.

I had a-- I had a paranormal experience

because of my smartphone.

Let me explain.

It's a true story.

After I, uh...

after I finished the late night--
I quit the job one day.

If you've ever quit a job,
it's great the day you quit,

and then the day after,
you're like, "Oh, fuck."

[audience laughs]

So I was in day one of "Oh fuck,"

and I thought, 
"I don't know what I'm going to do."

What I do when I can't think of what
I'm going to do is I go on a road trip,

and my best friend in the world,
my buddy John,

lives in a town called Prescott, Arizona,
which is about--

Which is about a six hour drive from LA.

That's how you know John's old.
He's quite an old fella.

Because he lives in Prescott.
Everybody in Prescott is old.

I fucking love going to Prescott,

'cause people I don't know
in the street call me "kid."

Like, "Hey kid, 
what are you doing in Prescott?"

I'm like, "Just delivering newspapers, 
Mr. Peterson!"

[audience laughing]

I wear a hat 
with a little propeller on it and shit.

Anyway, so I thought, "I'll drive out 
and see John out in Prescott, Arizona."

I drive out to Prescott,
and just as I'm getting there,

this giant fucking western storm opens up.

These huge black clouds, and, ch-ch-ch,
lightning. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!

Well, you've seen a storm.
It was like that.

It was a really big one.
I was like, "Oh, fuck,"

and I just drive into Prescott...

I decide to go and stay in the hotel I saw
driving into Prescott.

I'm going to tell you
the name of this hotel,

'cause you're not going to believe 
the story I'm gonna tell you,

and you're gonna wanna google
the name of the hotel.

And this is true. The hotel is called 
the Hassayampa Inn.

In Prescott, Arizona. Hassayampa.

It's an old Yavapai Indian word. 
"Hassayampa."

It means, "Follow the river
as far as it goes."

Which, I don't know 
why you need a word for that.

[audience laughing]

How often does that come up?

[as Native American]
"Where are you going?"

"Hassayampa."

"Again?"

"Shut up, Janice."

Anyway, that's not the point.

It's called the Hassayampa Inn 
in Prescott, Arizona.

It was a beautiful little Victorian Inn,
but the rain was coming down,

I was like, "Oh fuck," so I run in,
I go to the hotel, I get in there,

and it's kind of-- there's an old-timer
behind the reception desk,

looked like Wilford Brimley
with a cat on top of his mustache.

And he's like... [grunts]
And I was like, "Excuse me, sir,

I haven't booked a room. Is there 
any way I can stay here tonight?"

And he was like, 
"Yeah. The place is empty.

[audience laughing]

You can have the bridal suite.

Room 426."

I was like, "Great! I'll take it."

I go into the bridal suite, 
I was like, "Wow this is beautiful."

It was a beautiful room,
and like a suite, really.

So I take out my smartphone
to send home a picture of it,

and my phone died. I'm like, "Oh, shit."

'Cause I left the charger in the car,
and it is fucking poppin' awful.

Lightning and rain and stuff.

So I call the front desk, I'm like,

"Excuse me, my phone's not working.
Do you have a charger?"

And the guy said,
"There's a phone in your room, sir.

You're calling me on it right now."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Yeah, all right. Never mind."

I left the charger in the car,
and I thought,

"I don't want to go out to the car
and get the charger. Look at the rain.

You know what? I can deal
without my cell phone for one night.

Come on!

I'm not addicted to my cell phone."

So I put my phone down, 
and I thought, "I have to pass the time.

It's late at night, I'm a man
on my own in a hotel room.

I'll watch late night television."
I turned it on,

I thought, "Nope, that's not for me."
And then...

I thought, "A man on my own...

in a hotel room."

Check the sheets. They were nylon.

[audience laughs]

But even then I wasn't tempted--

Yeah, I'm 55.

Can't jerk off anymore.

If you haven't got someone to do it
for you by now, leave it alone.

[audience laughing]

It's a personal opinion.

Anyway, I thought, "I can leave 
my smartphone alone. I'm not addicted."

And then I started to feel-- 
Listen, you know what I'm talking about.

I know withdrawal.
I know what it feels like.

And I was like "Wow, I fucking--
This is not good."

I started to have palpitations,
feel a bit panicky.

I was like, "Fucking hell. This is bad.
It's about the phone?"

And then I'm like...
[pants]

And then I started to feel real panic,
like a panic attack.

Like, 'What the fuck?"

I started to feel like I was seeing things
out the corner of my eye, and I'm like...

I was like, "Fuck this shit."
I run out into the car to get it,

and the rain's coming down,
get the charger as it rains.

You can see my nipples through my shirt 
and everything, I was like...

I was gorgeous. I looked like Fabio 
in the front of a book. I was like, "Ah."

I got the charger,
and I came back to the room,

and I plugged in the phone and I waited,

and the little half-eaten apple came up,
I was like, "Oh, thank God...ah."

Then I was like, google something,
"Reese Witherspoon's six-foot-one.

Fuckin' A."

[audience laughs]

Then I google,
and you're going to do this,

I googled "The Hassayampa Inn, Prescott, 
Arizona," and this is what I got.

"The most haunted hotel in America."
I was like...

[screams]

Really! And then I read this thing, 
and it says,

[deep voice]
"Yes, the Hassayampa Inn-- Very haunted.

On no accounts stay in room 426,
in the bridal suite.

I was like... [screams]

I was like, "What the fuck?" I run down to
the front desk, the old-timer was there,

and I said, "Has anyone ever complained
about paranormal activity in room 426?"

And he turned into a bat, and flew away!

[audience laughs]

All right, I made that bit up. 
I added that bit, but...

apparently there's a ghost in that room,
and she doesn't like men.

If I single man is staying on his own,

she'll go into the bathroom 
and steal his toothbrush.

I know.

And I go into the bathroom,
and my toothbrush had gone!

Then I remembered I'm European, I didn't
have a toothbrush. But if I had...

[audience laughing]

It was scary is what I'm saying.

Oh, shit. I never told you the joke.
All right, here's the joke.

The oldest joke in the world.

This is true. This is--
[chuckles]

Sure it's true. Why the fuck not?
You know...

Everything's true now.

"Fake news!" "Fuck you it's true."
All right...

Everything's fuckin' true.
But this is true.

It is.

What happened is my friend Cara, 
who is an Egyptologist,

she calls me up from Egypt and says, 
"We found this joke."

I was like, "That's great.
Tell me the joke."

So she tells me the joke,
but I don't speak Ancient Egyptian.

It was like, "Owl, owl, guy 
with a dog's head." And I'm like...

It's not that funny.

[audience laughing]

Wow, I had no idea so many 
Ancient Egyptians were here this evening.

You guys are like, "Oh! [chuckles]

Yeah, yeah.

Ha-ha! Nice one!

Ha-ha! Good!

Finally, a joke for us.

Two! Two jokes for us."

[chuckles]

So she tells me the English translation
of the joke, and I'm like, "That's weird.

I know that joke."

The joke was told to me

by Drew Carey,

one of my oldest friends.

I'm like, "I thought Drew was
from Cleveland."

[audience laughs]

I've known him for 20 fucking years.

He's got a house there and everything.

So I called up Drew,
and I said, "Hey man, you know that--

That joke you told me?"
And I tell him the joke.

I said, "That's the oldest joke 
in the world."

And he turned into a bat flew away.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

It's getting more and more stupid, 
isn't it? All right, no, this is true.

What happened is, I called him up,

I said, "You know that joke you told me?"
And I tell him the joke.

I said, "That's the oldest joke 
in the world,"

and he said, "That is weird."
And I said, "Yeah!"

He said, "No, what's weird about it
is I didn't tell you that joke."

I went, "What?"

I said, "No, you told me that joke."

And I was like, "Shut up, Drew Carey!"

And he was like,
"You shut up, Craig Ferguson!"

I was like, "No I won't!"
He was like, "No, I won't!"

Then we started to kind of tickle fight,
then we were kissing. We were kissing.

It was a really strange phone call.

[audience laughs]

All right. I got sidetracked.

Here's the joke.

This is the joke.

The way I heard the joke, it wasn't--
It wasn't set in Ancient Egypt,

but in every respect,
it's exactly the same joke.

It's about two hunters,
but the way I heard about it,

it was, you know, it was set 
in a gentleman's club in Victorian times.

It was very different 
to a gentlemen's club now.

You know, a gentleman's club now is like,
"Hey! Give me a dollar,

I'll give you chlamydia," but back then...

[audience laughing]

Sorry, I was just doing my job.

You pay extra for those seats. Um...

So here's the joke.
Anyway, the joke is this:

It's two hunters: An old hunter
and a young hunter,

and they're going through the trophy room
of this club, you know,

and the old hunter is showing off.
He's looking at the heads on the wall,

and he said, "This here...

This a lion that I shot in Africa.

I used to be a dentist in the Midwest."

You remember that? Remember that?

Do you remember that was the thing
that everybody in the world was mad at?

Simpler times, huh?

"This a lion that I shot in Africa.
It's a very frightening story.

I was just walking through the jungle,
and the lion lept out at me.

Came towards me, I was like, 'Oh!'
And he's coming towards me,

Sharp-sharp claws, 
bitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes,

I was like... [pants]
and he comes very close,

I take out my gun,
shot him right between the eyes."

The young hunter says,
"Good, sir. Good. Well done."

He was like, "Yes, yes. And this...

This is a very similar story.
This is a tiger.

I was walking through the Jungle in India,

this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face,
scratchy claws, bitey mouth.

Coming towards me, he's gonna bite me!

I take out my gun,
and I shot him right between the eyes."

The young hunter says,
"Very good, sir."

He goes, "Yeah, and here,
the scariest story of all:

The rhinoceros.
I was walking across the Serengeti,

and I heard, 'Thumpity-thump thump.
Thump, thump, thump.

Thump thump thump,'
coming towards me,

I turn around, it's the rhinoceros!

He's coming towards me, 
big stompy feet and a big spiky.

He's coming towards me, stompy, spiky,
he's gonna kill me!

I take out my gun, and I'm like, 'Oh!'
I drop my gun, and...

[screams]

...and I shit myself."

[audience laughs]

The young hunter says, "I would have too.
That sounds terrifying."

He went, "No, not then! 
Right now, when I said, 'Ah!'"

To be fair, I did not say it was
the best joke in the world.

Jokes have improved immensely since then.

But it is, in fact, the oldest joke 
in the world, and so, with that...

we are done.

[audience groans]

That sounded a little bit like relief.

[audience laughing]

You got your one joke...

and that's all you're going to get.

Unless you get 
the special Netflix subscription,

which gives you an extra joke.

[audience laughing]

Look out for that on the website.

You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.
I'll see you next time.

-Good night, good night, good night.
-[applause]

♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪

♪ You better move along... ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Cuz the big cats walk ♪

♪ At the break of dawn ♪

♪ Now doggone it, baby♪

♪ Ooh, I said doggone ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪

♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪

♪ Well this whole mess useless now
as a whistle on a plow ♪

♪ If your pussy can't do the dog ♪

♪ I'm the king of the jungle ♪

♪ They call me tiger man ♪

♪ I'm gonna do the bird ♪

♪ If I can, if I can ♪

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