Craig Ferguson: I'm Here to Help (2013) - full transcript

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

- The first time
I saw Craig Ferguson,

I was in the hospital
on morphine,

And the nurses came in
and I was laughing my head off.

And they said,
"What is going on?"

I'm like,
"This guy's so funny!"

- I'm excited just to be
in the same room as Craig.

He's my celebrity crush,
actually.

We've already talked about this.
I get to go.



- I hope tonight
he swears...

A hundred times!
I don't wanna hear the bleep!

- He's got a robot skeleton
sidekick,

And he calls his fans
the robot skeleton army.

It all makes perfect sense.

- If you watch the show
and you don't like it,

Then I can't help you,
'cause it's the best I can do.

So fuck you.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FADES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE SWELLS]

- It's a great day
for America, everybody!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]



[LAUGHING]

It's a very exciting day
for me.

I'm very,
very happy to be here.

Here in Washington D.C.!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'm very happy to be here.
I love this town...

With its things.

[CHUCKLING]

I do, I love it here.
I'm very excited to be here.

I'm very excited to be
in the historic...

[MUMBLES]

No, I'm very happy to be here.

I know everybody says that.

Everybody says,
"Oh, I'm so happy to be here!"

And you can't blame them.
You can't blame 'em.

And you can't walk on a stage
and go, "Ah, fuck!

Not this dump again!"

That gets awkward.

Even if you're thinking it,
which I'm not!

No, I'm very happy to be here!

I know what you're thinking:
"Craig, how can we trust you?

How can we trust you?
We've been hurt before."

Here's how you know
I'm genuinely happy to be here.

About two years ago...
A little less...

My wife had a baby.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thanks, everybody!
I had sex!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, so there's a little baby.

There's a baby living
in my house...

An actual living baby
in my house.

So you know
I am fuckin' happy to be here.

This whole idea
of doing a special.

And stand-up comedy shows.

Just so I can get
a fuckin' night's sleep.

That's all it is.

I just want a night
in a hotel,

Some room service,
and some porn.

That's all I want.

Something delicious,
and then room service.

Don't worry,

I'm not just here to get away
from my children.

I've got a joke for you.

I've got a joke,
don't worry.

I'm sure I do.

I do!
I have a joke...

A joke for you told to me
by my friend Drew Carey.

When he was fat.

That's important...
When he was fat and funny.

Not this thin Drew Carey.

Not this thin,
Orville Redenbacher motherfucker.

That he is now.

Fat Drew Carey!
Fat!

When he was funny.

Because fat
is where comedy is stored.

That's what I tell anybody
that sees me naked.

I'm like,
"What are you talking about?

These are my jokes.
[MUMBLING]"

There's titters.

There's a couple
of titters here.

People tittering,
there like a...

And there's my big finish.
Here.

I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I'm not just here
to get away from my children.

I'm not.
I love my children.

Of course I do.
They're beautiful...

Whatever their names are.
They're gorgeous.

No, they are.
I love my kids, I do.

And I was...
I adore them.

I was right there
when they were born.

I was right there
when they were...

Conceived.

I think.

You can't be sure.

One of them's Asian.

[LAUGHING]

That's not true.

That would be awkward though,
wouldn't it?

Like, congratulations,
Mr. Ferguson.

Look! An Asian baby.

No, I was definitely,
you know, there...

Well, I don't know
if I was there.

When they were conceived
'cause, you know,

Conception takes place
up to 24 hours later after sex,

You know,
in the woman's body.

So I might've been doing
what I do after sex,

Which was standing
by the refrigerator crying.

I'm a dirty whore.

Anyway, I was definitely
in the room.

When my kids were born.

I was right there
in the room.

I watched that baby
come flying out.

And then the other thing
come flying out after the baby.

I'm like,
what the fuck is that!

What's that thing!

They're like,
don't worry about that.

Don't worry about it?
It's the same size as the baby!

What the fuck is it!

Like, what is it?

I've only budgeted for one.
Does that go to college?

What is that thing?

What is it, the kit?
What is it?

They're like,
don't worry about it.

I'm like,
I am worried about it!

They're like, no, no.

And the doctors and nurses
going,

"Oh, isn't it so beautiful?

Isn't this such
a beautiful experience?"

I'm like, it's all right
for you to talk like that.

You're only here
for the day.

I've gotta come back
to this area later on.

With a completely different
agenda.

I've watched this baby
coming out,

I was like, ahhh!

Agghhhh!

Agghhhhhh!

Oh! I'm gay.

One of my wife's friends said
to me, after she had the baby...

We'll get on with the joke
in a minute.

One of my wife's friends said
to me, after she had the baby,

Now, don't pressure her
into having sex again too soon.

I'm like, too soon?

After what I've seen,

I don't know if I ever
want to have sex again.

But it goes away,
that feeling.

I'm assured.

No, but I love my kids,
I do.

Children are our awesome.
They're great.

I believe they're our future.

[LAUGHING]

It's just
when they're babies...

Anyone
who's got a baby knows...

Anyone who's got kids...

Babies are fuckin'
unreasonable shits!

They are!
I mean, kids are beautiful.

They're adorable.

Oh, it's Christmas in their
little pajamas and shit.

But, oh, my God!

When they're babies,
they're fuckin' evil!

They're screaming
and the poo.

And they go, agghhhh!

They cry over it.
You can't reason with a baby.

You can't talk to them.
You can't say, come on.

I've put on your diaper,
I fed you.

What's wrong with you?

They just cry
over every argument you've got.

They cry right
over the top of you.

It's like living
with Glenn beck.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ha, there's a risky joke
in D.C.

At the same tim...

It's like living with a psycho
midget German prostitute!

Which I have done,
actually.

In Amsterdam in 1987
for a little while.

But it's the screaming
and the poo,

The screaming
and the poo.

It's like, ahh!

I mean, my wife is great.
But the screaming and the poo!

And the baby's
like that as well,

The screaming and the poo!

And it's the sleep deprivation
that drives you fuckin' crazy.

I haven't slept
in two years.

Really. It's not like they
keep you awake all the time.

They wait.
They're evil little shits.

They wait.
They wait.

They wait until they see you
falling asleep.

They're like...
[COOING]

Gahhhhh!

Ba-gahhhh!

Everybody in here
who's had a baby at some point.

Has thought, "I think my kid
might be the antichrist."

One of us is right.

Sleep deprivation
is weird, though.

It makes you think
really weird thoughts.

You know that studies
have proven...

My own studies have proven this.

No, this is true.
Studies have proven.

That three days
without sleep.

Has exactly the same effect
on your body as a tab of acid.

And I'm talking real acid,

Not the shit that
you kids take today.

Or that, "Oh, this ecstasy!
I'm trippin'.

It's just like acid.
Look, I'm trippin'".

Look at...
You're not trippin'.

Look at you walking around,
talking, breathing,

Being able to converse,
dance and shit.

That's not trippin'.
That's coffee, you little fuck!

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

I'm talkin' acid!

I'm talkin' acid!

I'm talkin'...
[IMITATING HELICOPTER ROTORS]

Saigon...

I took too much acid.

I did.
I took a lot of acid.

I know that's probably
a surprise to you, but I did.

I did. I took too much...
Here's what happened.

I took it once, and I thought,
"Oh, my God, this is horrible!"

So I took it about
30 more times,

Just to make sure.

And I didn't do acid
the right way.

I mean, you're meant
to take acid by a stream,

[SINGING]
by a river, with unicorns.

And the babies
and lovely...

Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh.

Ahh ahh ahh ahh

I didn't do it like that.

I did acid in Glasgow
in the 1970s,

And we did it
once the bars closed.

We would drink all day...

All day in rainy
old Glasgow...

And then, at 11:00,
when the bars shut,

Somebody would say,
"Anybody fancy a fuckin'

"transcendental experience?

I've got acid."

And we'd take acid
after drinking all day.

And that is not the way
to do it.

I... [LAUGHS]

It's not.

You know,
I once took acid.

After 12 pints of Guinness.

You may well judge me,
you fuck.

[LAUGHTER]

Never do acid after
12 pints of Guinness.

There's your P.S.A., kids.

Don't do acid
after 12 pints...

Just don't do it.
It's horrible!

Leprechauns flew out
of my ass!

I was, like, "Aah!

"Aaaaah!
How many are there? Aah!

"Aaaaaah!

"Aa... aaaaaaaaah!

Aa... a!"

Final...
And they were like,

"Hee hee! Touch his
lucky charms on the way."

[LAUGHTER]

I did too many drugs
is what I'm saying.

I did too many drugs.

And when I say I did 'em,
I fuckin' did 'em.

I didn't experiment
with them.

You know when people say,
"Oh, yeah, when I was in my.

Late teens and 20s,
I experimented with drugs"?

No, you fuckin' didn't.
You're not a scientist.

You didn't experiment
with 'em.

And experiment
is you get a white coat,

You get the drug,
you feed it to the dog,

You film it,
you put it on YouTube.

That's a fuckin' experiment!

That's... that's science.

It's not science
to blow a dealer for crack.

That's not science.

That's art.

[LAUGHTER]

Anyway, you know,
sleep deprivation is bad,

But the drugs is worse,
so I don't do 'em anymore.

I don't do drugs,
don't do that.

That's not to say...
I'm not one of these people.

That stopped taking drugs
and then to say.

You all have got to stop too.

You know when people,
they stop taking drugs,

They get very evangelical?

It's like,
"I've stopped taking drugs.

Now you must all
stop taking drugs."

I don't feel that way about it.

I-I feel like I've got
a connection with you guys.

I think my aud...
I think we have a thing.

And I want you to know,
from the bottom of my heart,

I really mean this.
I really do.

I don't give a fuck
what you do.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I've got kids.

You're fuckin'
grown-ass people.

You can do
what you fuckin' like.

Oh, you know the people
that go on TV,

And they think they can tell
other people how to live

'cause they're on TV.
Don't drink, don't...

It's not that hard
to get on TV.

I'm on fuckin' TV!

Honey boo boo is on TV!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH
WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]

Honey boo boo!

Like, what?

And people have a hard time
with my accent?

I mean,
what the fuck is this?

These people sound like
they're yodeling underwater.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH
WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]

Here's my honey boo boo.

I don't...
I don't subscribe to that.

I don't like people
going on TV.

And telling other people
how to live, like Dr. Phil.

Doctor...
Fuck you, Dr. Phil.

You're not even
a fuckin' doctor.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Dr. Phil. Hmm,
let's have a look at this.

Dr. Phil. What's your problem
with Dr. Phil, Craig?

Well, it's the fact
he's not a fuckin' doctor!

"What are you talking about,
Craig? He's Dr. Phil."

That's right.
That's his name... Dr. Phil.

It's not his qualifications.
He's Phil McGraw, PhD.

PhD? Isn't that a doctorate?

Fine, you let him take out your
fuckin' appendix, motherfucker.

He's not a doctor.

"Craig, are you saying
Oprah lied to us?"

Yes!

I've gotta keep moving now.
Oprah's people have scopes.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

Gayle, up in the balcony.

"You motherfucker,
I tell ya..."

Dr. Phil's not a doctor,
he's a PhD.

Like, if your appendix bursts
tonight...

Dr. Phil's there, or a doctor.
Who you going with?

Exactly!

It's not that hard to get on TV
and tell people how to live.

The fuckin' Kardashians
are on TV!

Not that I'm against that,
actually, I'm not.

That there Kim Kardashian's
got a lovely ass.

She has.

There's always room
in show business.

For someone
with a lovely ass.

That's how I got started.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Make way for leprechauns.

No, great asses cause
a lot of fuckin' problems.

I've lost half my stuff twice
due to great asses.

That's all my stuff once.

No, a lot of trouble
in the world.

Caused by great asses.
War... wars, human suffering.

Is caused by great asses.

The first documented war
in human history...

The siege of Troy,
the Trojan War...

That was caused by
a great ass.

Helen of Troy, renowned
for her great ass,

Was living in Greece.

And she was visited
by Paris, from Troy.

He was, like,
"Ooh, that's a lovely ass.

Come live with me in Troy."
and she's like, "Okay."

And she went to live
in Troy with him.

And the Greeks were furious.

They marched over to Troy.

"Show us her ass.
How dare you!"

And the Trojans,
who I always imagined.

To be french, for some reason,
were like,

[FRENCH ACCENT]
"No, you can't see her ass.

"I'm lookin' at it right now.

"I think I'll rub butter
on it.

Garlic butter."

Ten years the siege of Troy
went on.

Ten years!

And then, eventually,
the Greeks were like,

"You know what? Fuck you!

"We're going home.

We left you a horse."

[LAUGHTER]

And the Trojans...

The Trojans,
who were fuckin' stupid,

Let's be honest...

The Trojans are people
who named themself.

After a condom!

Like, how did they die out?
Guess, motherfucker.

[LAUGHTER]

The Trojans see the horse,
they're like,

"Oh, look, they left us
a lovely horse.

"What's this? Oh,
'Thank you for the war.'

That's nice.
Bring it inside."

I mean, even if they
just listened for a second.

At the side of it,
you'd have heard, like,

[WHISPERS]
"Shut up."

"No, you shut up!"

"I thought we agreed
no farting in the horse."

"I can't help it.

I get nervous
before a battle."

Siege of Troy
caused by a great ass.

The war between the roman empire
and ancient Egypt.

Caesar,
Antony and Cleopatra.

That was all about Cleopatra
having a fantastic ass.

She had a great ass,
and Mark Antony's like,

"I'm going to Egypt.
Fuck you."

And then Caesar was furious,
and he got his army together,

And they marched on Egypt.

He was like,
"Show us her ass!

Show us her ass!
Show us her ass!"

'cause Romans spoke with
British accents, apparently.

They do.
They... if you see any movie.

About ancient Rome, they always
talk in British accents.

Like, "Caesar, a messenger."
"Oh, lovely. Bring it over.

I'm just having tea."

"Sire, some news
from Downton Abbey."

"Really? Come on over here."

[LAUGHTER]

It's true.
All movies about ancient Rome,

The Romans talk
with British accents,

Which is ridiculous...
They're Italians.

They'd be like,
"Hey, what's a comin' a go?"

But you watch any movie
about ancient Rome, they're...

Or any of these
ancient movies.

If you want to make
an ancient thing, you know,

Ancient movies and the like,

Everyone talks
with British accents.

Which really fucks me off,
because I can't concentrate.

It takes me out
of the movie.

I always expect
something weird to happen.

Because I watched a lot
of Monty python.

When I was a kid.

A lot!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So whenever I hear them go,
"Caesar."

"Yes? What?"
I always expect, like,

A little bunny rabbit
or something to come.

Or a giant drawing
of a hedgehog or something.

To come out.

Even the good ones...
Even the ones like, you rem...

You know that movie the "300"?

That is a fuckin' great movie.

And my buddy Gerry Butler
is in that movie.

He plays the king
of the Spartans.

Now, I've...
I've known Gerry for twent...

Did you see Gerry’s abs
in that movie?

Holy crap!
They're awesome.

I saw him after I saw
the movie.

I'm like, "Gerry,
your fuckin' abs in that movie,

they're amazing."

He was like, "Yeah,
I worked really hard."

I went, "Yeah, man,
it was great."

He went, "Not just that.
Here's the thing.

"They do thing thing...
They put makeup on it,

"and then they king of CGI it
so your abs look really great."

I was like, "Oh."

He said,
"Now, don't tell anybody."

[LAUGHTER]

So I didn't.

No, I just made that up.

Anyway, all I'm saying,
in that movie...

I don't know why
I told you that.

'cause I'm a shit,
that's why.

No, in that movie, where Gerry
has that great speech, you know.

But I still...
I still hear Monty python.

Like, even when he has
that great speech.

When he's like,
"Tonight we dine in hell!"

And I keep expecting someone
to say,

"What are we having?"

[LAUGHTER]

"What the hell are you
talking about?"

"Well, you know,
I'm a vegetarian.

"So is Michael.
I just wondered

"if there's
a vegetarian option in hell.

Or maybe we should
pack something."

Look, all I'm saying is
wars have been started.

Over great asses.

Great asses cause a lot
of problems, a lot of wars.

You know, Cleopatra,
Helen of Troy.

Who else?
Um, Hitler.

"Hitler had a great ass,
Craig?"

Yeah, fuck it.
Okay, let's see where that goes.

No, Hitler...
Hitler did have a great ass.

It's an unpleasant fact
of history,

But we have to face it.

Many of the Nazis had
great asses.

Due to the marching.

That's what it was.

"Adolf, your buns are
so firm and tight.

What is your secret?"

"Oh, you know,
just diet and goose stepping.

"This is my thing.

"Mm... Mm...

"Ooh, feel the burn.

Ooh, that's when you know
it's working."

[MOANING, MUTTERING]

I don't know that
many Nazis did that, but...

Maybe they should have.

Good ol' Nazis,
that's what I say.

That's a phrase
you don't hear often.

Good ol' Nazis.

No, listen, Nazis are
very useful.

If you're in my line
of work.

Because, you know,
it's the one group of people.

You can really fuckin'
stick it to, and nobody cares.

Like, no matter what I say
about Nazis,

It's very unlikely
I'm gonna get a letter.

Or a tweet or an email tomorrow
from somebody saying,

"Dear Craig, I am a Nazi,
and I am very upset...

[LAUGHTER]

At this negative stereotyping
of Nazis."

'cause even if you are a Nazi,
and I've upset you,

Fuck you, you're a Nazi!

Even... even the Neo-Nazis...

"Neo," of course, means new.
The Neo-Nazis.

Well, what's new about you?

"Well, we march up and down,
and we hate ethnic minorities."

I'm like,
that's not fuckin' new.

That's the same
as the old Nazis.

You wanna be a new Nazi,

You gotta bring something new
to the party.

Bedazzle that swastika,
mister.

[LAUGHTER]

Let's see some heels
in those jack boots.

[CHUCKLES]
I gotta move,

'cause these guys definitely
got scopes.

No, Nazis are just useful
if you do what I do.

Because, you know, there's only
two groups of people.

You can talk about
with any degree of safety.

Everyone else is
very, very touchy.

And I don't mean touchy
like Mr. Macgoogin.

That used to live next door
to me when I was a kid.

[LAUGHTER]

That's right,
laugh at my pain, ya bastards!

"Craig, I've got some change
in my pocket."

That's rubbish.
He's a lovely man.

No, everyone is
very, very sensitive.

Everyone's very, very...
You can't talk about anyone.

There's only two groups
of people.

You can talk about
with any degree of safety...

Nazis and Canadians,
that's it.

That's it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Nazis... who gives a fuck
if you upset Nazis?

And Canadians... 'cause Canadians
have figured out...

They're very smart,
they figured it out.

They have realized
it's a fuckin' joke!

Canadians are like,
"Oh, oh, yes, that's right.

It's a fuckin' joke!"

To be honest, Canadians are
just happy to be included.

[LAUGHTER]

It's just like,
"He's talking about us."

"I know, I know.
We're on our way."

Not that I'm comparin...

I'm not comparing Nazis
to Canadians.

They're not the same at all.

Nazis, bastards.
Canadians, lovely.

Lovely people, Canadians.

Gentle, civilized,
beautiful people.

Till you give 'em
a hockey stick.

Then they lose
their fuckin' minds!

Like "Aaaaaah!"

I don't know why
the Canadian army bothers.

With tanks and guns
and bombs and shit.

They should just
give the guys hockey sticks.

And go, "There you are, boys.
The Taliban have the puck."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Aaargh!

[LAUGHS]

[GUTTURAL CHANTS]

Sorry!

But that's all
you can talk about,

Nazis or Canadians.

I... apparently I can upset
large groups of the community.

Without even fuckin' knowing
I'm doing it.

I got into terrible trouble
recently.

With the transgender community,
who were very upset with me.

There were, you know,
emails and tweets.

And letters to the show.

They had this parade
up to the show.

I mean, a fabulous parade.
It looked great.

But they were...

And they were really mad
at me, and I was like,

Whoa, fuck, I don't want be
hating on the transgenders.

Not at all.
So, you know, I got in...

I got in touch with their...
Their chair...

Their, uh...

I got in touch with their chief.
The chie... the chie...

"Chief transgender, Craig?"
Yes, their tribe.

Uh... The Transgenders.

[SPEAKING MOCK LANGUAGE]

No, I got in touch
with a prominent member of...

No, see, that's not a good way
of saying it either.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't even mean
to do this!

I got in touch
with a well-respected figure

in the transgender community.

I'm like,
"What the fuck, man?"

I didn't say "man."
I said, like, "What the fuck?"

Like, I don't want
to he hating.

Why are you guys
so mad at me?

I don't... I don't...
You got me wrong.

I'm not hating on you.
What happened?

He said, "Well, you do
these sketches on your show.

You did this sketch
on your show."

I went, "I know they're shit.
You're overreacting."

He's like, "No, no, no.
In one of the sketches,

you wore a dress, and it was
very disrespectful."

I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, that's it?

"Well, you should know I've been
disrespecting you at home

"as well."

[LAUGHTER]

"Actually, one night
in Amsterdam 1987,

"I was downright fuckin' rude
to your entire community."

[LAUGHTER]

"Good time."

But I don't want to be hating
on transgenders.

I really don't.

I mean, if you're
a transgender person,

And you're here tonight,
first of all, you look great.

And secondly,
good choice in D.C.

Yes.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Who's to know?

Hey, I never said
a fuckin' thing.

You thought it.
I didn't say shit.

No, I don't want to be hating
on transgenders, I don't wanna...

Transgender, by the way...

If you don't know
what transgender is,

First of all, what?

Transgender is someone who
believes they're trapped.

In the wrong physical body.

A man trapped in a woman's body,
a woman trapped in a man's body.

You know, that's
a tough place to be.

I don't want to be hating on
someone who's in that position.

I sympathize with that.

I empathize with that.

I look at my own naked body
in a mirror and I'm like,

"Look at... fuck, look at me.

I'm a man trapped in the body
of a middle-aged woman.

Look at me.

I'm not even
a hot middle-aged woman.

I'm like an out of shape
delta flight attendant.

[LAUGHTER]

Look at my saggy little tits
and my flat ass.

On the upside, though, I do seem
to have an enormous clitoris.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]
that's too much?

All right, that's too much.
All right.

Well, we found the edge.

You're right,
that was too much.

But while we're on the subject,

Is it "clitoris"
or "cli-toris"?

"clitoris" or "cli-toris"?
There's always a big argument.

In my house all the time.

Like "'clitoris, 'cli-toris,'
'clitoris,' 'cli-toris.'"

I'm like, "Honey, why are we
arguing about this thing?

It doesn't exist."

Oh, it's a fuckin' joke!

It's a joke!
Look at me!

You think I don't know my way
around a clitoris?

Look at me!

I've spent half of my damn life
doing this.

Oh, God.

I've been doing this
around the world.

Counterclockwise
for American girls,

Clockwise for
Australian girls.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I can do the clitoris.

I can do your clitoris
from here.

Look, this is me doing it.
Mmm.

You feel that?
That's me.

[YELLS] whoo!

Hey. [GRUNTS] pow.

[LAUGHTER]

"Craig, it's like
you're a magician."

Yes, it is.
[WHOOPS]

You're right,
that was too far.

"Clitoris," "cli-toris,"
"clitoris," "cli-toris."

I suggest a name
we can all agree on.

How about "ladycock"?

[CHUCKLES]

I'll take that
as a yes, there.

Now look, I don't want to be
hating on transgenders.

I don't believe in hating
on people for what they are.

It's not my thing, man.
I'm, like, love all the people.

Like, fuck this.
I'm like a hippie, you know,

Except I'm angry and Scottish
and clean.

It's very difficult to be
a hippie if you're Scottish.

You can't really do it.

It's 'cause of the, you know,
the easy sexual thing.

It was like, well, fuck, no.
Oh, no.

It's not that we believe
sex is sinful.

We don't.

We just believe it's sinful
if you enjoy it.

To this day... I've lived in
America 20 years.

But to this day, whenever...
You know, during an orgasm,

I still try and look stoic.

Even if I'm on my own.

Anytime, I'm like, "Ah,
that's... that's very nice, right?

"Mm-hmm.

"Oh, yeah."

[LAUGHTER]

"And thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.
See you next time, Regis."

And that's really
the way it is.

Oh, it's a fuckin' joke.
Relax.

Or is it?

No, I don't believe in
hating on people.

I mean, fuck that.
Life's hard enough.

I don't want to be hating
on people.

I also think it's bad karma.

It comes back
and gets you anyway,

If you start all that fuckin'
oppressing people.

Like, it seems to me
every couple of months,

There's always some fiery
preacher who's always like,

"I hate the gays.
I hate the gays.

"I hate the gays.
Oh, I hate the gays

"with their sweater vests

"and their 'house
hunters international.'

I hate the gays.
I hate the gays."

And they hate the gays.

And then they get caught
in a massage parlor.

Blowing an Armenian sailor.

Now if this happened once,
I'd let it go.

But it hasn't
just happened once.

It happens
every couple of months.

And you fuckin' know
I'm telling the truth.

Every couple of months,
there's like, "I hate the gays.

"I hate the gays.
I hate the gays.

I hate the gays.
I hate the gays."

[GULPING]

I'd go as far as to say
if you are really interested

in oppressing
and hating the gays,

it might be a sign you're gay.

So you know, before you begin
your system of oppression,

you might want to, you know,
just try some gay things.

Gentle gay things,
mild gay things.

Put some scatter cushions out.

Shave with the grain.

Suck a cock or two.

I'm here to help.

Suck a cock or two,
see what...

If you don't like it,
who loses?

[CHUCKLES]

No, no, you're right.
That's too far.

Is it? I don't know.
I don't think so.

Look, I have to say,
I don't... I don't...

I've been all over
the United States.

Really, I've been in every state
in the union.

I've performed in every state
in the union.

I've been all over,
and I have to tell you,

99% of Americans that I've met.

don't give a fuck about
what you're doing.

Or what you're up to.

As long as you stay the fuck
off of their property.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"I don't give a fuck what you
wear or who you do it with,

but you stay the fuck
off of my lawn."

And that's it.

It's just... you know,
it's just easier

to look at other people's shit.

Then you don't have to look
at your own.

There you are.
Where's my fuckin' PhD?

That's it.
That's it.

That's why the gossip,
you know, websites

and the tabloid magazines
are always, like,

fuckin' in other people's shit.

But you know what?
I'm fuckin' sick of it.

I'm fuckin' sick of it.

I'm sick... every time I go
in a fuckin' supermarket,

there's all these tabloids
around, and then it's always.

"Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston,
Angelina Jolie...

What's gonna happen now?"
Who gives a fuck?

I don't care.

Seven years this shit's
been going on.

"Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston,
Angelina Jolie...

What's gonna happen now?
What's gonna happen now?

I don't care.

If you don't know the story,
very briefly, here's what it is.

Just very briefly, here's
apparently what happened.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston
were very happily married,

and they used to live
in a lovely house in Malibu.

And they were asleep one night.

And while they were asleep,
Angelina Jolie

crept into their house.

And she was wearing...
[LAUGHS]

She was wearing
a striped shirt,

and she had a bag
with a dollar sign on it.

And she stole Brad Pitt.

Stole him like he was
a fuckin' toaster.

I'm like, come on!

I don't believe this shit
for a minute.

And they always paint it as,
like, you know,

Brad Pitt's this
kind of dumb guy.

He's like, [GOOFY LAUGHTER]
"I don't know."

And Angelina Jolie's like,
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]

like snidely fuckin'
whiplash.

And poor Jen, her heart has been
broken one more time.

Like, oh, for fuck sakes,
come on.

Men can't be stolen away
like that.

Just 'cause another hot woman
comes along...

I can't finish this
without laughing.

[LAUGHTER]

No, wait, that's not true.
We're not that shallow.

I know that you think
we're shallow, ladies,

but we're not that shallow.

Well, not after the age of 40.

Then we just get, you know,
like, "Fuck it.

I'm good here.
I'd need to move all my stuff.

It's fine."

You know a perfect example of
that is the actor warren Beatty.

Warren Beatty, for, you know,
for 30 years...

the '60s, the '70s, the '80s...

Warren Beatty shagged everybody,
everybody.

He was like, "Hi, how you doing?
I'm warren Beatty.

"What's up, baby?
Warren Beatty.

Hey, welcome to Australia.
I'm Warren Beatty."

He shagged everybody.

Then he met Annette Bening,
and he just... boom... stopped.

And the tabloids were like,
"Whoa, Annette Bening must know

that trick you can do
with your finger."

You know that trick?

You get yourself a gay friend,
he'll sort you right out.

Or a doctor.
Or a gay doctor friend.

It don't matter. Look,
just learn the fuckin' trick.

No, but the tabloids were like,
"Whoa. Oh, no.

What does Annette Bening have

that all these other women
don't have?"

I say, I tell you
what she has,

a fuckin' tired Warren Beatty.

That's what she has.

He's like...
[GROANS]

Warren Beatty shagged
everybody for 30 years,

And now he's in his mid-70s,
he has three teenage daughters.

[CHUCKLES]

Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

Anyway, Brad Pitt, Angelina
Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.

Oh, Brad.
[GOOFY LAUGHTER]

And Angelina.
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]

And Jennifer...
Oh, poor Jennifer!

Her heart has been broken.

I'm like, "Shut the fuck up."
Come on,

Jennifer Aniston's a very
capable, successful woman.

Stop this. She's a...
And if Jennifer Aniston had done

what a smart woman does
when she marries someone,

she'd still be married
to Brad Pitt.

When a smart woman wants
to stay married to a guy,

after the wedding,
she fattens him up a little bit.

Not too much.

Just enough to slow
the fucker down

in case he gets any ideas.

"Have some dessert, honey.
You've been working so hard.

I love your little love handle,
little muffin tops."

[BABY TALKING]

Fatten him up a little bit,

Get him to wear
a lot of sweaters, maybe.

A lot of knitwear,
a lot of sweaters.

With little patterns on them.

The that guys think they're
little patterns,

but they're not patterns.

They're hieroglyphics
other women can read.

It says, "Back off, bitch.
Fatty's mine."

[LAUGHTER]

If Jennifer Aniston had played
her cards right,

six months after she married
Brad Pitt,

he'd have looked like
Alec Baldwin,

he'd have dressed like Regis,
she'd still be married.

But oh, no.

She had to keep him hot.
So in the middle of the night,

in comes the husband stealer.

[SINISTER LAUGHTER]

Angelina Jolie...
what a bitch.

What a bitch, with her six
children, three of whom

were adopted
from war-torn countries.

What a bitch.

Angelina Jolie,
that husband-stealing bitch.

That gave $10 million
to charity last year.

What a bitch.

Angelina Jolie, the U.N.
Ambassador for Children...

What a fuckin' bitch!

Calling Angelina Jolie
a husband stealer

is like calling Hitler
a vegetarian.

It's true, but it's hardly
the fuckin' story, is it?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That is true.

Hitler was a vegetarian.
He was.

They don't tell you that
at Whole Foods, do they?

[LAUGHTER]

"Do you know who else was
a vegetarian? Hitler."

"Give me some sausages."

It's true.
Hitler was a vegetarian.

He was a teetotaler.
He didn't drink.

He didn't smoke.
And he was an artist, too.

He used to do little landscapes,
little watercolors.

If he wasn't the worst prick
who ever lived,

he'd probably have
his own show on NPR.

[CHUCKLES]
That would be awesome.

"Well, it's been a quiet week
here in Berlin.

[SPEAKING GERMAN GIBBERISH]

[CHUCKLES]

"Craig, this may be going
too far."

I know.
"Then why are you doing it?"

I don't care.

"Surely you must care
a little bit."

Not much.

Nah, Hitler wouldn't want
to be on NPR, anyway.

He'd want to be on FM.

He'd want his own
Morning Zoo show,

A Drive-Time
in the Morning show.

That'd be Hitler, yeah.
He'd want his own posse.

He'd be like, "Welcome to
Drive Time in the Morning.

With Hitler, Goebbels,
und Mel Gibson."

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, that would be better,
yeah.

"Hey, what's the traffic like
this morning, Mel?"

"Well, it's a little backed up
on the freeway.

I blame the Jews."

I was very surprised to find out
that Mel Gibson was a Nazi.

I did not see that coming
in the movie "What Women Want."

I was very surprised to find out
that Mel was a Nazi,

But not as surprised as the city
council of the town of Sterling,

in Scotland, who after the movie
"Braveheart," came out,

decided they were gonna
put up a statue.

To the great Scottish patriot
William Wallace,

who was played by Mel Gibson
in that movie very well.

So they put up a statue
of Mel fuckin' Gibson.

Right in the middle of town.

And then it comes out
Mel’s a Nazi.

And they were like,
"Aw, fuck!

"One of you kids get up there
and draw a little mustache

on that thing."

Then everyone in Hollywood
was saying, "Oh, come on.

Mel Gibson's not a Nazi,
he was just drunk."

I'm like, "Really?
You can get that drunk?"

I was a blackout drunk
for 15 years.

I never went "Third Reich"
on anybody's ass at any point.

How's that?

It was like,
"Maybe I'm a lightweight.

That's what it is.
I was one tequila away."

I'm like, "I'm staggering.
I'm staggering.

"Okay, one more.
Oh, I'm goose-stepping.

I'm goose-step... "

Then, when he gets caught
being a Nazi,

Mel Gibson did
what everybody in Hollywood does

when they get caught
being a fuckin' jerk.

He runs away to rehab.

Rehab in Hollywood
is like "safe"

when you're playing games
as a kid.

It's like, "Oh, oh, oh, rehab.

"Rehab. Yeah."

[CHUCKLES]

"I blame the Jews. Rehab."
[LAUGHS]

Which pisses me off, 'cause
I went to rehab.

It's true.
I went to rehab 20 years ago.

For chronic alcohol
and cocaine addiction,

which seems a little
unfair to me,

because although I did drink a
lot, and I certainly took a lot

of cocaine, I never thought of
myself as a cocaine addict.

I always thought cocaine was
just a kind of vitamin

that helped you
drink more.

I still kind of believe that.

But it's true.
I went to rehab.

You can go to fuckin' rehab
for anything now.

It doesn't have to be anything
like that.

You can go to rehab
for anything.

I went to a Hollywood party...
this is true... recently.

And this guy came over to me,
and he was like,

"Hey, you've been very open
about your struggles

with drink and drugs."

I'm like, "It's not really
a struggle.

I haven't had them
for a long time."

He was like, "Yeah,
but you've been very open

about your past
with it."

I'm like, "Well,
it is what it is."

And he said, "Well, I have
a substance abuse problem."

I was like, "Oh, really?
What's your thing?"

He's like, "Chocolate."

I was like, "Oh, man.

You know what you should do?
You should go fuck yourself."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

He was like,
"Oh, man, that's harsh."

I'm like, "No, no,
you're a fuckin' idiot!

You're not addicted
to chocolate. Shut up."

If you're here tonight,
and you think

you're addicted to chocolate,
you're not... You're stupid!

I know you think you're... I mean,
I know what it's like.

I've eaten too much chocolate
in my life.

I understand that.
Sometimes you eat

a little too much chocolate,
you go, "Oh, I feel bad."

But it's different. I've never
gone out, and I thought,

"Mm, I'm just gonna
have an Almond Joy."

Then you have an Almond Joy
and go, "Oh, fuck!

"I've got to have
more Almond Joys.

"I got to have another one.
I got to have more.

"Oh, get a Snickers bar
up my ass.

"I got to get a Snickers bar.

"Oh, pour Hershey all over my
tits, Hershey over my tits.

"I got to rub chocolate
all over fuckin'...

"Ah, stick it in my taint.

"I got to have chocolate
all over me.

Ah, chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate!"

Then wake up three days later
on the floor

of a Piggly Wiggly
with a sore ass and a tattoo.

That's fuckin' addiction.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

But there's also a downside.

Look, I'm not judging you.

If you think
you're addicted to chocolate,

then you're just
a fuckin' idiot.

I'm not saying there aren't
other pathologies.

I understand there are
different pathologies.

I understand there
are different addictions.

But it's hard to know
what's what.

You can't pathologize
the human condition.

I mean, there are some things
you go, "Wait a minute,

you're just a fuckin' asshole."

Like, the... like sexual
addiction, right?

Sexual addiction. I understand
there's a problem there.

I understand there's
a compulsive behavior.

But how do you know when you're
a sex addict or just you?

[AS BILL CLINTON]
"Well, let me tell you..."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

No, there was
a very big Hollywood star

that got into terrible trouble
with sex addiction.

I won't say his name,
'cause he's on the show a lot,

and it would be
a little disloyal.

So let's just call him
Blavid Bluchovny.

Did you just fuckin' tell him
who Blavid Bluchovny is?

"I think it's Jack Black."

It's not Jack Black!

Holy shit.

I know you people don't give
a fuck about Hollywood,

but really?

Anyway, I don't know
if Blavid Bluchovny

is really a sex addict.

I mean, the last time
he was on the show,

I went to his dressing room,

and I was eating a banana
in front of him...

doing this.

It's very difficult
to do that

and eat a banana
at the same time.

[CHUCKLES]

I was. I was, like,
wearing a low-cut top.

And nothing happened.
Nothing at all.

He just kept crying and
asking me to unlock the door.

I was like, "Put the lotion
in the basket.

Put the fuckin' lotion
in the basket."

I'm getting very concerned that
my "Silence of the Lambs"

impression is getting very like
my Mick Jagger impression.

"Put the fuckin' lotion
in the fuckin' basket."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]

No, I'm just saying.

Look, I'm not... what happens,

it's Hollywood, I think,
does this.

Hollywood tries to, you know,
pathologize everything.

It lets everybody off the hook.

I mean, Hollywood is...
What happens is, these ideas,

they take place in Hollywood.

Strange ideas take place
in Hollywood.

And then Hollywood exports
pop culture.

So it goes out, and it gets
into the mainstream.

And that's why people believe
fuckin' stupid shit.

See, I live in Hollywood.
And let me tell you something,

there are more douche bags per
square foot in Hollywood

than anywhere I've been
in my life.

And I include fuckin' England.
I'm not kidding.

Like, and it's not like...
Not everybody's bad.

I'm not saying that.
But there are...

you know,
there's, like, two basic types

of people in Hollywood.

You got the gullible people,
who are not that bad.

You know, they go to Hollywood
to be discovered.

They go, "I've got to be
discovered."

What do you think you are,
penicillin?

And they're not bad people.

They're just stupid
and a bit greedy.

I mean, I get it.
I was like that too,

and still am a bit.

But it's the people that
prey on them that are weird.

You know, the people that say,
"You better believe

"what I believe,
or you won't be discovered.

"Better give me your money.

"You better believe
what I believe.

"You better, you know...
Psychology is bad.

You'll die if you do any."
Thank you.

One psychiatrist
in the back going,

"Finally, something for me.

"For I am a Nazi...

"who practices psychology.

I'm an unusual man, I admit."

Anyway, what I'm saying is,
you know,

it's just that Hollywood...
These weird fuckin' ideas

start happening in Hollywood.

And then, because Hollywood
exports the, you know,

pop culture, it gets
into the fuckin' mainstream.

And then weird shit
gets believed.

Like, this is true.
In Hollywood, there's, you know,

just, like, normal people
you think are normal.

And they've got
such weird fuckin' ideas.

There's a friend of my wife's,
a lovely woman.

Friend of the family, really.

She's a lovely woman.
You know, her kids go

to the same school
as my kids.

You know, she's a soccer mom,
drives her kids to school,

all that, just, like
a normal, regular woman.

Except every couple of months,
in order to get rid of

the "negative energy"
in her body,

she puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.

[LAUGHTER]

That may be the noise she
makes as it goes in as well.

[GASPS]
I don't know, it depends

if it's been
in the refrigerator or not.

All I'm saying is...

[GASPS] She does.

She puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.

You know, her own vagina,
not my wife's vagina.

No, I... no.
No, she puts...

She puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.

And I'm thinking, "Look,
that's dangerous."

That is dangerous.
What if you were out somewhere,

and that hatched?

[CLUCKING]

"Is your vagina clucking?"

"Would you like it to?"

Look, I'm not trying
to rain on your parade.

If you want to put, you know,
an egg in your vagina,

you're just an idiot.
No, it's just stupid.

I mean, my wife said to her,
"Does this work?

Really, honestly,
does it work?"

She said, "You know, it does.

"I know it sounds weird,
but it does.

Whenever I take it out,
I feel such a sense of relief."

Like, yes!

I don't even have a vagina.

The idea of a hen's egg in my
vagina makes me uncomfortable.

[LAUGHTER]

I fell victim to that kind of
thinking too, though.

When I first moved to Hollywood,
I was very, very twitchy.

I had just gotten sober.

I was very, very twitchy
and very volatile,

Very... ooh, even twitchier
than I am now.

I was like... you know
when Daffy Duck drinks a potion

in a cartoon or something?
And it's like...

[RHYTHMIC GRUNTING]

Like that twitchy.

[SQUAWKS]

And I was like that
all the time.

So, you know,
the only employment I could get

is that of an actor,

'cause you can do that
if you're insane and stupid.

Yes, you can.

Here's how you do it.
You pretend things.

It's like, "Oh, it was
very hard work in this movie."

"Really? What did you do?"
"We pretended things."

"Oh, fuck, that must have been
really hard."

Here's how you do acting.

Oh, what's that over there?
There's nothing there.

I just... I fuckin' acted
right there!

Anyway, one day...
[LAUGHS]

I was working as an actor,

and I was working with
this very new age actress,

a very nice woman,
a lovely woman,

a very caring person,
but very new age.

And very Hollywood,
and very all that, kind of,

you know, eggs
and all that kind of stuff.

And when we weren't
on the set together,

I'd visit her in her trailer.

No, I would visit her
in her trailer.

And I was so twitchy
and upset.

And she said, "Baby,
your problem isn't alcoholism."

I was like, "It isn't?
Fuckin' great. Let's get drunk."

She's like, "No, no, no, no.

"Honey, your problem
isn't alcoholism.

"Your problem is that
your aura is misaligned.

Your aura is all out of whack."
And I'm like, "My aura?

What, you mean,
I'm farting?"

She's like,
"Yeah, but no.

"No, what happened... your aura,
baby, it's all out of whack.

"You need to have
your aura worked on.

"You need to have
an aura adjustment.

You need to go
and have an aura massage."

I'm like,
"You're fuckin' high."

She's like, "You got to go, or
no more visits to my trailer."

I'm like, "Okay."
So I went.

I went to this place.
It really exists.

It's in Hollywood.
It's an aura massage spa.

Where you can go
and have your aura massaged.

And I went.
And I walked in.

And it's just like regular spa
place you go for a massage,

You know, the people
wearing the white coats

and the little rocks
and the little trees.

And the little fountain
and the Enya music playing

and all that stuff.

And like any guy going for
a massage, I'm thinking,

"Am I gonna get
jerked off here?"

I mean, you know
it's not gonna happen,

but it might happen.

I mean, it's not gonna happen,
but it might happen.

This might be the one time
when the therapist goes,

"You know, this is unethical,
but I can see the problem.

Here, let me just take a..."

I try and instigate it now.
You know when they say,

"Any problem areas?"

Like, "I have a lot
of tension right here."

You know, you don't want it
to happen,

But it might,
and you want to be ready.

That's why straight guys always
ask for a female therapist.

'Cause you think, "Well,
if I'm gonna get jerked off,

I'd prefer if it was a lady."

You know it's not gonna happen,
but it might.

Look, any guy that says to you
if he goes for a massage

that doesn't go through his
head, he's fuckin' lying to you.

That goes through your head.

You know
it's not gonna happen.

[WHISPERS]
But it might.

That's how you can tell
when a guy's been

for a legitimate massage.

He comes out relaxed and
a little bit disappointed.

It's like, "How was
your massage, honey?"

Like, "Ah, it's good.

It's great.
Really got my shoulder."

Anyway, so I go to get
my aura massage,

and it's just like
a regular massage.

You know, you lie on the table,
take your clothes off,

towel over your junk.
Big towel.

Big, giant beach towel
over my junk.

And then the massage treatment
is exactly the same

as a regular massage.

The therapist comes in,
very nice young woman.

And it's the same
as a regular massage,

except this is
the therapist's hands,

then this is a foot of air,
and then there's you.

And in here is your aura.

I'm like, "Are you
fuckin' shitting me?"

But, you know,
they really sell it.

So you know, you don't want
to be an asshole.

And they say all
the same things, like,

"How's the pressure there?"

And I'm like, "Good, good.
That's great."

And they're fuckin' doing it.
And I'm like,

"I am such a fuckin' tool
for being here."

And she's saying
all these things like,

"Oh, there's a knot there."

And I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
that's the spot, yeah."

I felt such a prick.
And I was actually getting tense

and angry and angrier at myself,
and angrier and angrier.

I was so fuckin' tense,
by the time she finished...

I was so relieved,
I felt as if I had a hen's egg

removed from my vagina.

And then, when I went
to go and write the check...

You know, I was
at the receptionist.

And the receptionist said,
"When you make out the check,

make it to the aura, you know,
Chakra Chiropractic Clinic."

And I'm like,
"This is chiropracty?"

And she said, "No, no, no.
But if you call it that,

you can claim it
on your insurance."

And I was like, "Oh...

doesn't that fuck
with your aura?"

And I left in a cloud of smug.

But that happened.
That's true.

Yeah, thanks for that round
of applause for being a dick.

No, but that really happened.

There's nothing new in that,
I suppose.

I mean, humans have believed
in shit for years.

And we believe in
utter fuckin' rubbish.

It is a miracle
we are still here.

It really is.
We are fuckin' stupid.

Do you know that for
a couple of hundred years

in the middle ages...
this is true...

people believed that
the cure for blindness...

In places in Europe,
this is a real...

You can Google this,
and it comes up,

and then
you know it's true.

The cure for blindness...
Apparently, in parts of Europe,

they believed that
rubbing dog shit in the eyes.

of a blind person
would cure their blindness.

I know. That's what, probably,
the blind person said.

He was like, "Oh!"

And they believed it for
a couple of hundred years.

It wasn't, like, an afternoon.
I can understand trying it.

I can understand, like,
"Oh, fuck.

Bob's gone blind.
What the fuck are we gonna do?"

"I don't know.
It's the fuckin' Middle Ages.

Try dog shit."
"Okay.

We'll rub dog shit
in his eyes."

But it's not like it worked.

It's not like somebody went,
"Oh, the smell is awful,

but look at
the beauty of nature."

It doesn't work.

And you know
the blind person was like,

"Oh, what the fuck are
you guys doing?"

Like, "It's a special lotion
from France, Bob."

"No, it's not.
I'm blind, I'm not stupid.

"I've got that blind person
sense of smell.

I can tell you
whose dog this is."

[LAUGHTER]

You know when people
glamorize the past?

I'm like, "Really?
What about going back

to rubbing dog shit
in our eyes?"

See, when I hear people
romanticize the past

and all that,
I think about that.

You know, like, you know,
back in the day,

when people would go, "oh, yes,
things were so lovely.

Back in ren faire times."

Like, "Shut the fuck up.
No, they weren't."

"Yes, things were great.
Everyone was a Gryffindor."

It was a terrible time.
The past was awful.

Fuck the past.
I grew up in the past.

I did. I grew up in Scotland
in the 1970s.

You had disco.
We had rickets.

[LAUGHTER]

Kind of the same effect.
You're going...

You're right, that's too far.

"Dear Craig, I am
a transgender Nazi with rickets,

and I am very upset."

It's a fuckin' joke.

But whenever people glamorize
the past,

I'm like, "Really?
Two words: Modern medicine.

There, fuck you and
your glamorizing the past."

I hate that idea.

Modern medicine,
if you can afford it...

Shut up, Canadians...

Is the miracle...
is the miracle of the age.

See, it's true.

Whenever I'm in D.C....
it used to be Walter Reed.

Now it's a different place
slightly out of town.

But the Walter Reed...

You know, it's for
our soldiers that get,

you know, wounded in battle.

And what the doctors can do
for those guys there

is un-fuckin'-believable,
unbelievable.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
It's true.

I mean, they're working
with extraordinary patients.

I mean, amazing guys.
I met a guy there, a marine.

It's true.
He had lost both of his legs

below the knee from an I.E.D.

And he'd had them replaced
with prosthetic legs, you know,

legs and feet,
and he was walking around.

He said he had no pain.
He had no limp.

You know, and, you know, he was,
like, handling it really well

with a good attitude.

He was really kinda fine
with it.

He was helping
the other patients.

The only way you could tell is
'cause he was wearing shorts.

And I said to him, "Man,
you're handling this so well."

And he's like...
And this is true.

This is exactly
what he said to me.

He said, "You kidding me, pal?

I came in here 5'10",
I'm leaving 6'2"."

That fucking amazing?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's what he said!

Came in 5'10",
leaving 6'2".

See, that right... that's
a fucking American badass,

right there.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"Came in here 5'10",
leaving 6'2"."

Hoo-fucking-rah.

See, that's another reason

why you don't want to be
fighting against these guys.

Can you imagine?
'cause he was like...

He wanted to go back.

His unit were still overseas.
And he was like,

"I want to go back.
I want to go back."

And the military are like,
"You've done enough."

He's like,
"No, I want to go back."

Can you imagine
what it would be like?

Being the fucking Taliban,
going,

"Oh, my God,
you shoot their legs off,

they come back
fucking taller!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[HUMS OMINOUS MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES]

It's fucking...
Can you imagine

the astonishing bravery
in that young man?

I mean, the fortitude,
the courage in that individual.

That's unbelievable to me.

I don't have a teaspoon
of that in my body,

not a fucking ounce,
not an atom of that in me.

I shit my pants
watching Shark Week.

Although I went
on Shark Week once.

I did. Yeah.

No, the Discovery Channel
phoned me up.

And they said,
"Hey, you're always talking

"about Shark Week.

You want to go diving
with sharks?"

And I was like,
"Fuck, yeah."

[HIGH-PITCHED YELL]

Which is how I answer the phone,
apparently.

[YELLS]

So I went.

And I was really brave about,
you know,

the shark diving,
right until I had to do it.

I was, uh...

Fuck, man.

It was horrible,
'cause it was in the Bahamas,

which is a lovely place,
the Bahamas.

And they flew us
to the Bahamas.

Now, if you've ever been to
the Bahamas, you'll know this,

because everybody
that's from the Bahamas

or is taking you
to the Bahamas will tell you...

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
"Sean Connery lives here."

They're all like, "Oh, Sean
Connery lives in the Bahamas.

Sean Connery lives here."

"What accent is that, Craig?"
It's one I can do.

"Is it Bahamian?"
Close enough.

But it's true.

They're very proud of Sean
Connery living in the Bahamas.

And when you get out
of the airport... it's true...

If you're very quiet,
you can hear him.

[CHUCKLES]

In his garden, he's like...

[HUMMING]

[AS SEAN CONNERY]
"Just pruning the roses.

"I wonder what's for lunch.

"I'll just go over here.

Oh, I think I left my thing
over there."

[HUMMING]

Anyway, Sean Connery
lives in the Bahamas.

[WOMAN LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY]

So I was there for the Sh...

[LAUGHING]
for the Shark Week.

Like, really?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Like, really?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ The Phantom of the Opera
is there ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
"This is the curse, my friends.

"Sometimes, when you attack
the clitoris with gusto,

it is difficult
to turn it off."

Thank you, Dracula.

"You're welcome."

[WOMAN LAUGHING
UPROARIOUSLY AGAIN]

[CHUCKLES]

You got to get out more,
really.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Someone's been
doing you clockwise.

It's a simple mistake.
I've done it myself.

Anyway, I went shark diving.

I went shark diving
in the Bahamas.

I get to the dock,
and the boat was there,

and the dive master was there,
and I was like, I said,

"Hey, where's the cage,
you know, the shark cage?"

He's like,
"There's no cage."

I went, "Oh, yeah,
there fucking is.

"I've seen this on TV.
There's a cage.

"The guy from
TV goes in the cage,

"cage goes in the water,
shark comes up and goes, "Rah!"

"The guy from TV goes,
'Oh, that was intense,'

"and goes home
completely intact.

There's a cage."

He's like, "No, it's not
that kind of diving."

I'm like, "Really?
What kind of diving is it,

'The-Scottish-guy-is-bait'
diving?"

He's like, "Get in the boat."
So I get in the boat.

Now in this place,
they go shark diving every day.

And they go to the same place
every day.

The same place every day!

The sharks
know you're coming.

They're already there.
I'm not kidding.

They're swimming in circles.

They're playing volleyball.

And high-fiving
each other and shit.

There's a big wiseass shark off
in the corner, going...

[HUMS "JAWS" THEME]

And that's
what you jump into.

That's what you
have to jump into.

And you have to jump in.

You have to, because there's
attractive women on that boat.

And like any heterosexual man,
I would rather be torn apart

by large,
meat-eating predators

than risk the possibility
that one of those women

is a massage therapist
that's gonna go crazy

and jerk me off in the boat.

Now, you know
it's not gonna happen!

But it might happen.

But it's certainly
not gonna happen

if you start crying
and poo your wet suit...

Which was my first choice.

So I jumped into
the shark-infested waters.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I did.

I jumped into the shark-infested
waters, and I was amazed.

The sharks were
not what I thought

they were gonna be at all.
They were beautiful.

They were like,

[SOFT VOICE] "Hey.

[WHISPERS]
Hi, dude."

[GROWLS SOFTLY]

They were like Osmonds.

And you could feed them
bits of fish off of a spear gun,

just like Osmonds.

And I said to
the dive master later...

I mean, you can't talk to him
underwater.

You sound like Honey Boo Boo.
It's like...

[GURGLING]

But later on, I said to him,
"That was amazing,

feeding them the fish
with the spear gun."

And he said, "Yeah, yeah."

I said, "But what
would've happened

if we'd run out of fish?"

He said, "Well, they'd probably
just swim away."

I said, "Have you ever
tried it?"

He said, "Are you fucking crazy?
They're sharks."

And then, when we were
coming back on the boat,

I was talking to the kids
that worked on the boat.

And it was all American kids,
college kids,

kids on the lam,
you know, and that, you know.

They were... and they...
I was talking to them.

And I said, "Has anyone
ever been bitten?

You know, even a little nibble
or a scratch from a shark?"

And every single one of them
showed me fingers off,

bits of ear missing, toes,
fucking bite marks on their ass.

I went... [HIGH-PITCHED]
"You motherfuckers!"

Like, as high as that as well.
I was very upset.

I was like,
"You motherfuckers!"

Like, dogs in the Bahamas
were like...

[INQUISITIVE BARK]

"We're a motherfucker?"

Sean Connery was like,
"Who said 'motherfucker'?

That was...
That was very high pitched."

But the sharks were beautiful.
They were amazing.

I mean, these creatures
are really wonderful,

and we should
not be afraid of them.

As long as we are on land.

No, they're lovely.
They're beautiful animals.

I wouldn't have believed this

if I hadn't seen it
with my own eyes.

But this is true.
I really saw this.

In many species of shark,
the male of the species

has two penises,
side by... yes.

Side by side, two penises.
I saw it.

A male nurse shark
swam towards me.

He was like,
"Hey, what's up? Mm-hmm.

"How you doing?
Oh, oh, oh.

[SINGSONG]
Look at the penis."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"Penis." [HUMMING]

Two penises.

I was like, "Look at you,
Mr. Mister."

Like, that's why
they're so confident.

They're like, "Hey,
heh heh, yeah."

That's why
they're so angry as well.

Two penises, no hands.

[FRUSTRATED GROWLING]

[LAUGHS, GROWLS]

"I'll swap you a penis
for a hand."

Oh, if I had a nickel
for every time I'd said that.

Is it penises or penii?

I've never had to use
the plural.

All right, one night
in Amsterdam in 1987, I guess.

But they were lovely.
You know what I was thinking?

What a terrible thing
it would be, though,

for the drug companies
of America

if the human male
had two penises.

I mean, you would never sell
any Viagra or Cialis

or any of that shit.

I mean, what are the odds
of both of them

failing at the same time?

It would be
like aircraft engines.

One of them would go out.
It would be like,

"Don't worry.
Everything's fine.

"We train for this
all the time.

"All the time,
we train for this.

"We'll get you where
you need to go.

"Might go a little lower
or a little slower,

but it's not a problem.
Very routine."

[MUMBLING]

I'm kind of
enjoying myself now.

I'm gonna do this
for a while.

Kind of having a good time.

[HUMMING]

I just thought these animals
were beautiful.

And the reason I wanted
to swim with the sharks

is because I love
nature documentaries.

I adore them, and I...

It was the way I bonded
with my father when I was a kid.

We used to watch them.

We used to watch
these BBC nature documentaries

on British television.

They were shown here on PBS.

Beautiful,
big documentaries

narrated by
sir David Attenborough,

who has that lovely voice.

He would always say like, "Here
in the Serengeti, you know,

"huge wildebeest
moving across over there.

Oh, so lovely."

And he would
talk quietly like that

to make you think
he was there.

He wasn't there.

But he wanted you to think
he was there.

He said,
"I'm talking quietly.

"There's a fucking lion
right there.

"So shh,
fucking lion.

I'm very brave.
Fucking lion right there."

But of course, he, you know,
he wasn't there.

He was in a sound studio
in London.

It was six months later.

He's looking at the footage.
He's saying it.

It's, like, the same, you know,
when you hear the sound

of the lion
eating the zebra.

And you hear all that...

[CHOMPING AND SLURPING]

You know, they add that
later on.

It's a guy in a studio
watching the footage, going...

[CHOMPING AND SLURPING]

There's not a sound guy
in the middle of Africa going,

"Quiet, everybody.
Lion eating a zebra."

They add it later on.

It's a guy, a specialist.
He's like...

[CHOMPING AND SLURPING]

It's the same guy
that does porn.

[CHOMPING AND SLURPING]

[HIGH-PITCHED] Aah!

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Anyway, that's... and when
we watched these documentaries,

it was when my father
did the one joke of his life.

He did one joke in his life,
and it was this.

We were watching a nature
documentary, the whole family.

It was my mom and my dad and
my brother and my two sisters.

We were watching this
documentary about chimpanzees.

And they were all being very
naughty, little hairy bastards,

running around throwing poo
on each other.

And... and my dad said,

"Oh, yes.
There's Craig and his friends.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

And I was like, "Noooo!"
and he was like, "Yes."

The rest of my family
are like, "Yes."

[LAUGHS] Scorn.

And because it got a laugh,

he would then say it
every time

we watched
a nature documentary.

Like, for years and years
afterwards.

And it didn't make sense,
like, we'd go...

We'd watch a documentary
about seahorses or something.

And he'd go, "There's Craig
and his friends."

I'd be like, "Dad, I'm 40.
Fucking give it up."

But he would keep going
until he got a laugh.

He wouldn't shut up
until he got a laugh.

Like, he'd keep going.

It's the same technique
I now use on the studio audience

in my television show.

I know that shit
isn't funny,

but I know
I'm keeping going,

'cause they know they're not
fucking going anywhere

until they laugh.

You may leave.

No, you know,
people say to me,

"Craig, why do you call
the studio audience hobos

at your show?"

And I'll tell you why,
'cause they are.

Some of them, anyway.

I'll tell you
how I found out.

'Cause after the show one day,
I went to the restroom.

And I use the same restroom
as the audience.

Show business.
And I went into the restroom.

And there was a gentleman
who had been in the audience,

washing his feet.

That's a clue.

He was washing his feet.

I was like,
"Hey, what's up?"

He's like,
"Just washing my feet."

I'm like, "Yeah, go ahead."

And... and he said,
"I love your show, man."

I said, "Thanks very much."

He said, "To be honest,
I don't care for you.

The accent, it's irritating."
Like, okay.

He said, "But I just love
coming here.

"I love coming here to...

"You know, I can wash my feet,
they give us some snacks,

and they pay me
10 bucks an hour."

I'm like, "What?
They pay you 10 bucks an hour?"

He's like, "Oh, yes."
I was like, "Fuck, wait there."

So I go and see the producers
of the show.

I said, "Are we paying hobos
10 bucks an hour

to pretend to like me?"

And they said, "Oh, yes."

What the fuck?

They said,
"Everybody does that."

And apparently, everybody does.
I didn't know.

They said,
"Everybody does it."

All the daytime shows,
all the late night shows,

all the award shows.

Any show with an audience,
the Emmys, the Oscars,

the Grammys,
fucking anything.

They have this team of hobos
that go from place to place.

I don't know how
they get in touch with them.

It's like a Bat Signal
or something, and...

And they're seat fillers,

because nobody wants to see
an empty seat on TV.

So these people, you know,
they wait and if...

So like, at the Oscars,
if Tom Cruise

has to go to the bathroom
during the Oscars,

a hobo will go over
to his seat

and, you know,
fill the seat.

And if Tom Cruise
wins the Oscar

while the hobo's
in the seat,

the hobo has to go up
and collect.

That last bit isn't true,

but that would be
fucking awesome if it was.

"Oh, I'd like to thank
everybody under the bridge."

It would just be
more entertaining.

Anyway, yeah, my dad watched
the nature documentaries.

My mother hated them.

But my mother
was a very different person.

She was someone who glamorized
the past, which was weird,

'cause my mother grew up
in Glasgow in the 1940s,

when it was being
carpet bombed by Nazis.

But she would always say,
"Oh, things were better

during the war."

I was like,
"How can you say that?

You were being carpet bombed
by Nazis."

And she was like,
"Yes, but you could

leave your door open
at night."

I'm not... I don't want you
to think

I have hard time
with my parents.

I love my parents.
They were great people.

I adored them.

And my childhood
was idyllic.

There was never any problem
in my childhood.

That's why I became
an alcoholic stand-up comedian.

No, I didn't...
They were good, my parents.

They were good people.

You do your best
with your kids.

The minute you have your own
kids, you forgive your parents.

You're like, "Oh, fuck.
I get it."

But I try...

[SIGHS]
"Yeah, okay, I get it.

Kids are assholes.
I understand."

But I try, you know,
I try not to do what my parents

were a little bit
guilty of.

They used to always say, "Oh,
you kids have got it too easy."

And I try not to do that
to my own kids.

But it's fucking hard
not to.

It's fucking hard not to
when I see them,

and they're sitting
in the back of the car

with a five-point seat belt
molded fucking thing in the car.

And the safety helmet
and the... [BUZZING]

Then the intravenous cheerios
into their arms.

Fucking screen with
around-the-clock Teletubbies.

Fucking...
[BUZZING]

I've seen a lot
of fucking Teletubbies

in the past two years.

That shit's weird.

Weird.

Now, remember who's talking
to you here.

That's fucking weird,
and I know weird.

I have smoked
Nepalese temple ball on a beach

in Sri Lanka at sunset
at a Hindu funeral.

But when I see
the Teletubbies,

I'm like,
"What the fuck is that?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wait.
What... what is that?

[HIGH-PITCHED]
"Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh" what?

[HIGH-PITCHED]
"Uh-oh, fall down."

[HIGH-PITCHED]
"Uh-oh."

Remember a few years ago,
there was a big controversy?

People said, "Hey,
one of those Teletubbies is gay.

That Tinky-Winky.
Tinky-Winky is gay."

Tinky-Winky's the one...
The pink one

with the triangle on his head
that carries a handbag.

I'm like, "Why would you
think he's gay?"

[LAUGHTER]

Tink... I've seen a lot
of Teletubbies.

Let me tell you something,
Tinky-Winky is not gay.

Tinky-Winky
is a fucking drunk.

It's like Tinky-Winky's like,
"Uh-oh.

Tinky-Winky fall down."

[CHUCKLES]

"Tinky-Winky
want a little drinky."

Tinky-Winky's not gay.

Po, the one with the cock
on his head, he's gay.

Anyway, what I'm saying is,

I try not to give my kids
a hard time.

But it's hard. You know,
you see them in there

with their fucking
child seats.

There were no child seats
in my dad's car.

There were no fucking seats
in my dad's car.

It wasn't technically a car.

My dad was a mail carrier.

We just had
a little post office van.

When we went around
a tight corner, he'd be like,

"Aim for a soft parcel."

Ooh, shit!
I was going to tell you.

That joke
Drew Carey told me.

I forgot.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]

No, I want to tell you
this joke.

It's important, because
I love this joke.

This is a great joke.
It's a really good joke,

Because it involves
a traveling salesman.

And I like that because
too many jokes today don't.

Traveling salesmen
are going away.

They're going away.

They're being replaced by guys
calling you up from India,

pretending
they're not in India.

[INDIAN ACCENT]
"Hello, this is Scooter."

[LAUGHTER]

"How about that...
local team?"

[CHUCKLES]

"Are you happy with
your long-distance provider?"

Well, they can fucking reach me
from India, Scooter.

So, yeah, I'm all right.

Anyway, this is a joke...

[LAUGHTER]

This is a joke that involves
a traveling salesman.

And I like this joke.

A traveling salesman
walks up to a house,

and he knocks on the door.

And the door is answered
by a ten-year-old boy

who's wearing a bra and panties
and high-heeled shoes.

He's smoking a cigar
and drinking a scotch.

And the salesman goes, "Whoa,
son, are your parents home?"

And the kid says,
"What the fuck do you think?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

And that's my joke.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Oh, my God, it's gonna
go all the way! Ohh!