Cracking Up (1983) - full transcript

Warren Nefron is a hopeless klutz who has some of the worst luck in the world: when he tries to end it all with a foolproof suicide plan, he still manages to mess it up. In desperation, he goes to a psychiatrist to see if there is some way for him to end his troubles. As the doctor talks with him, the film cuts to a series of shorts about scenes from Nefron's life, and the lives of the people around him.

[ Keys jingle ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

*

*

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Oh-ho-ho!

Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Hoo-hoo.

Whew!

[ Grunts ]

Uhh!

[ No audio ]

Room service?

Uh, this is room 612.

Would you please send up

a bucket of ice?

Thank you.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, come in.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

[ Door rattling ]

Man: Sir,

y-your door's locked.

[ Material rips ]

Uhh. Uhh.

[ Panting ]

[ Panting ]

Ready?

[ Nervously ] Hi-ho.

Hee hee hee.

Ohh.

Mmm. Hmm.

Ah.

Whew!

[ Panting ]

Okay.

Heh.

Ooh.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Man singing in Spanish

in high-pitched voice ]

[ Singing continues ]

[ Singing stops ]

Have you ever been

to a psychiatrist before?

Oh, I'm afraid not. No.

Afraid?

Let's get rid of those

"fear" words, Mr. Nefrin.

All right. Yeah. Okay.

No. Never.

Never?

Isn't that a bit final?

How about just "no"?

Ah...

Hostility.

I like that.

You're getting better

already. Ha ha.

Why don't you go lie down

there on the couch?

We can get started.

You seem

a little reluctant.

Well, it's the floor.

I'll handle it.

Why not get

a little cozier?

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

That's what I came

to see you for --

'cause I'm not all right.

Nothing I do is right.

I'm a misfit.

I don't fit.

I'm a square peg

in a round hole.

I mean, you know what

a "misfit" means, don't ya?

That's why I came

to see you.

I think you'll be

more comfortable

in that chair over there.

Oh. Oh.

Good idea.

Miss Rose,

would you please cancel

all of my appointments

for today.

No. I'll call them myself

later.

Did you hear from hartman?

Very good.

Yes, I understand.

She did?

You can call her.

Very good.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

[ Thud ]

Uh, Warren...

Why don't you just stay

right down there

on the floor?

[ Sighs ]

No, no.

Uh, why don't you

turn over?

No, the other way --

on your back

so I can see you.

Oh.

[ Sighing ] Okay.

Let's get started.

Warren, when did you

first notice

you were...Uh...

A misfit?

That's close enough.

It started

a lotta years ago.

I can't remember

exactly when.

All I know is

I did nothing right.

*

*

*

Everything I did was wrong.

It was as though

I was from another planet.

*

Eehhhhh!

Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa.

[ Laughter ]

Um, Mr. Nefrin,

your mother and father

weren't, by any chance,

related to each other,

were they?

You know,

like, cousins, maybe?

Oh, no.

Nothin' like that.

This goes back

a long, long way back.

I mean, this goes --

I'm talkin' about

as far back

as my French ancestor,

Jacques nefron.

Jacques nefron

was the coachman driver

for the Marquis Henri Dubois

and his wife, Marie.

I'm talkin' about

the 15th century

in France, Europe.

[ Yelling ]

Eh, Jacques!

Whoa!

Jacques!

[ Speaking French ]

No, no, no, no!

[ Speaking gibberish ]

[ Speaking French ]

Ici.

[ Speaking French ]

[ Stuttering ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Stuttering ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Shouting in French ]

Ah, oui, oui.

[ Wee-wee ]

Exactly.

You got it.

[ Sighs ]

Timber!

[ Thud ]

[ Power saw whirring ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Singing in French ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Singing continues ]

Fini!

Madame, pardon.

The facility ready now.

[ Horse whinnying ]

Whoa! The horse!

[ Speaking French ]

Ha!

Ici.

Ah, très bonne, madame.

[ Whinnying ]

[ Shouting in French ]

[ Crash ]

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Poor Jacques.

What happened to him?

Oh, they sent him

to prison --

devil's island --

for life.

I guess escape

was out of the question.

Oh, no.

He tried it many times.

Did he ever pull it off?

Oh, I'm sure

he pulled it off.

There was no women

in prison.

[ Sighs ]

[ Speaking French ]

...if I had some sulfur.

Sul-ferr.

[ Speaking French ]

The book of matches

they did not invent yet,

so I use this rock to have --

ah!

[ Speaking French ]

Aha!

[ Speaking French ]

Chaud.

Hot. Chaud.

It's a hot chaud.

Ha ha. Ha ha.

Chaud.

A hot "show."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Where I get Japanese from?

Gee. Ahhh.

Too hot.

Ohhh. Chaud.

[ Blows ]

Whew!

Fois.

Ah.

[ Speaking French ]

[ Speaking French ]

Lautrec, lautrec, lautrec.

[ Speaking French ]

Matisse, Matisse.

Baroque, baroque.

[ Speaking French ]

Haircut. Toupee.

[ Knock at door ]

[ Speaking French ]

Man: It is I, Claude.

What are you doing?

Oh! Claude.

Hello, Claude.

I am making the dummy

that looks just like moi.

Isn't one of you enough?

[ Snickering ]

Stop with the jokes,

Claude.

I cannot take it no more.

I am making the dummy

that looks like me.

I will put him

inside that bed.

And then when the guards

come around,

they look inside,

they think it is me.

I will be gone.

Ça va?

How will you escape?

Claude?

Yes?

Ah! A key.

How will you get past

the guards outside?

Easy!

I climb over the wall,

and I fall down

on those guards,

and I overpower them.

Then I roll down the hill,

and I have this horse

waiting for me in the woods.

And I land on the horse,

and I ride away,

and I am free and gone

and away from all of this.

[ Footsteps approach ]

Claude, shh.

They are coming now.

[ Door opens ]

It is your lucky day,

scum.

We bring you

a new mattress.

A new mattress?!

I do not need no --

no, I do not need

the mattress!

That one is very good.

Out of my way!

I do not want

that new one!

This one is good.

It is good to sleep on.

It does not hurt my back.

I do not...

Pardon.

I do not know

how this happened,

but it seems that my foot

slid underneath

your big boot.

Your big boot is now

leaning on my small foot.

Heh heh.

[ Grunts ]

Aaaahhh!!!

You schweinehund!

It's the wrong time.

What will we do

with this filthy thing?

Throw it over the wall.

[ Whinnying ]

My dummy escaped.

Au revoir, dummy.

Have a good time in Paris.

Oh-ho. Ohhh.

I hate to say this,

Warren,

but your one of the worst

cases I've ever handled.

Thank you.

[ Applause ]

I just wish

I was like my father.

He was a man

of great dignity, quality,

respected by everyone.

He was always

a great success...

Almost.

[ Classical music plays ]

[ Audience murmuring ]

I would love to hear

about your ancestors,

Mr. Nefrin,

but our time is up.

Oh, okay.

But, uh, doctor, I mean,

do you have any idea

what the problem

is with me?

[ Laughs ]

It's a bit too early

to tell, but I suspect

that you have a touch

of dingle syndrome,

or overcompensation

of the ID against

the narcissus-feedback

chromosomes.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Oh, well, I mean,

w-what is that exactly

in laymen's terms?

You're playing

with half a deck.

You don't have both oars

in the water.

You made too many swan dives

into empty pools.

Well, then,

I'll see you Thursday.

Of course.

Right.

Doctor...

Do I have a chance?

Of course.

Okay.

[ Thud ]

[ Slams ]

[ Loud thud ]

All right, everybody!

Aahh!

Aaahh!

Aahh!

Stay right where you are!

Nobody move!

[ Woman crying ]

[ "New York, New York"

instrumental plays ]

*

*

*

Here we go!

*

[ Music stops ]

Yay! Yay!

Bravo!

Mister....

Uh, nefrin.

Nefrin.

Yeah.

Now, uh, how many cigarettes

do you smoke a day?

I mean, like, when you

wake up in the morning,

there's a strong urge

to have one upon rising.

Very early in the morning,

no matter what time.

Sometimes people get up

at all hours of the morning.

They gotta have that

first cigarette of the day.

That's me.

Then, probably during

breakfast, you may have --

it's not a big breakfast

or anything.

Well, certainly,

you have coffee,

probably in the morning,

and you're reading

the paper,

you plan, maybe,

to have another cigarette.

And, which is becoming

the norm,

people are breaking

in the midmorning

for supposedly

a "coffee break,"

and it's become

a smoking break.

Yeah, well --

are you -- do you observe

sports on TV or in person?

That is another time

people just get all tied up

into the game

and following it so closely,

they have that something

to satisfy

that urge of tobacco,

and they have

another cigarette.

Like, how many cigarettes

do you smoke a day?

I'd say

fi-fi-f-f-five packs a day.

Five packs?!!!

Are you nuts, or what?!!

That's absurd, you idiot!!

That's ridiculous!!

And you will never

do that again!!

Well, how will you

arrange that?

Like this!!

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Horns honking ]

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ Engine sputtering ]

[ Horn honking ]

Say, excuse me, but, uh,

I have a problem.

Would you mind

giving me a push?

Not at all.

[ Dog barking ]

No, I-I don't think

you understood.

See, I didn't mean

to push me.

My problem was

I wanted to see if you

would push my car.

Oh, my pleasure.

Thank you.

See, when I first --

uh, w-w-wait!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Ooh! Ooh!

That's...

[ Horn honking ]

Ooh!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crash ]

[ Coughs ]

Man: This way.

Here we have "the horse."

Of course,

it is oil on canvas.

Yes, and here,

I'd like you to see this.

If you'll just step by me.

Keep moving along this way.

Let's keep together now.

Ah, this is something

you must take note of.

It is the famous painting

of "the bull."

Yes, if you'll

just keep moving along.

If you step this way,

please.

Just come this way.

Any questions at all,

don't hesitate to ask.

[ Liquid trickling ]

[ Trumpet plays ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Roars ]

[ Crash ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Crowd cheers,

bull galloping ]

[ Crash ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Bull galloping ]

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Bell dings ]

[ Door opens ]

Woman: [ In sultry voice ]

And, so you see, doctor,

what appears to be

a must in my life

isn't really anything more

than a compulsion.

Dr. Pletchick: But --

and that is a very big but --

you can't continue

this lifestyle

without ramifications.

I'm sure you know that.

Oh, I know you're right,

doctor,

but I have always lived

one day at a time, and, uh,

[ laughs ] As long as I

get what I need each day,

ooh, I'm happy.

Granted,

you have every right

to bang whoever you want

any time it pleases you,

but there are other things

in this life more important.

Name one.

I would

if there were more time,

but that hour

really flies by.

I'll see you again,

as usual,

Monday...tuesday...

Wednesday...

And for our long session

on Thursday.

Now go out

and make it a good day.

Don't worry, doc,

I'll make whoever I can.

[ Door opens ]

Everything's going to be

all right.

Ahh. Oooh.

Hello.

[ Giggles ]

[ Mumbling ] Oh, no.

No, no.

Unh-unh.

Mmm.

Mmmmm.

[ Mumbling ]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Unh-unh. Ohh-ho.

Come here.

Unh-unh.

Not me.

Oh, no.

Ah ha ha ha.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sighs ]

Step aside.

[ Clomping ]

I won't slide

on the floor now.

Heh heh.

It just...

[ Clears throat ]

That was

a very unusual person.

She's...quite outgoing.

She's outgoing.

One look at her,

and you get the desperate

desire to be lonely.

Ha-heee!!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Because she's...

Well, she

really isn't that bad.

Not that bad?

One look at her, and you

hope the drugstore's closed.

Ha ha ha ha heyyyy!

Heyyyyy!

Heeyyy.

Well, enough about her.

Let's get into

your problem.

Will you go sit

on the couch?

Yeah.

[ Barking like a seal ]

Ha ha ha ha!

Whoa.

Is that my folder?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What is it?

[ Sighs ]

Is it bad?!

Mr. Nefrin --

yes?!

Mr. Nefrin, I've been

studying your case carefully.

After

careful examination --

yes?

It is my opinion

that not only do you

have dingle syndrome,

but you have a smattering

of carper's waindowner leak.

[ Loud jingling ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling stops ]

[ Jingling ]

[ Jingling continues ]

[ Jingling stops ]

You did say

carper's waindowner leak?

Yes.

A leak is literally

a perforation in one of

the functional neural cells.

Once you have it,

you carry it with you

everywhere.

Oh.

I would suggest you go see

the top specialist working

on waindowner's leak today.

He's in London.

London?

That's a long way

to take a leak.

Yo-aaahhh!!!

Man: Uh, united 31 bravo,

radar contact.

You have traffic at 9:00.

United 31 bravo looking.

Woman: Attention, please.

Final call.

Flight 254 to San Francisco,

Portland, and Seattle

boarding at gate 9.

Flight 254. Final call.

Boarding at gate 9.

Flight 19 for Phoenix --

departing on schedule

at gate 4.

Flight 19 for Phoenix --

departing on schedule

at gate 4.

May I help you?

Yes, I would like

a ticket to London.

Have you ever flown "jolly

fats" weehawkin before?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Excuse me.

Ye ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha!!

Ah ha ha ha ha!!

$67.95

how--how come

it's so inexpensive?

Mr. Weehawkin doesn't pay

his employees very well.

I only earn

85 cents an hour.

Well, that's terrible.

It's probably

all I'm worth.

You see, I-I don't deal

with the public very well.

You seem very nice to me.

You're probably a schmuck.

Well, uh, do they, uh --

do they serve dinner

on this flight?

Well, of course, they do.

Let's see

what they're having.

Excuse me.

[ Vomiting ]

Chef's surprise.

You'll love it.

All right.

I'll--I'll take a ticket.

We don't have tickets.

I just stamp your hand.

There, uh,

isn't any ink on there.

We don't need ink.

Just show your hand

to the stewardess.

[ Bell ringing ]

Hold it right there.

What do you got

under the coat?

[ Mutters ]

What flight are you on?

Weehawkin to London.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Go right ahead.

I-I'm on weehawkin

to London, too.

And you don't have

a gun?

No.

Excuse me.

[ Chuckling ]

Wanna buy one?

[ Chuckling ]

No!

Well, that makes a set.

*

[ Metal scraping ]

Nefrin: What's that?

[ Clucking ]

[ Oinking ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Coughing ]

Oh!

[ Gruffly ]

You want dinner?

Oh--oh, yeah.

That sounds good.

What's the matter?

You all right?

[ Garbled ]

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Good.

Just fine.

A little more?

[ In normal voice ]

You have any well-done?

Just what I need --

another smart ass.

What's that?

[ Clucks ]

Economy.

Oh, that's terrible.

Ah, you tellin' me.

They don't even get

a free movie.

They don't?

Do we?

Yeah.

You wanna see it?

Yeah, I'd love to.

You got it.

Well, that's disgusting!

I know.

Wanna see it again?

No, I got it at home

on tape.

[ Slurring ] Oh, hiya.

I-I didn't know,

uh, which one it was of you

who--who asked

what our exact location is.

I'm very--I'm very sorry I

can't tell you that right now

--

right now, because,

well, to tell the truth,

I-I haven't been quite this far

off course before.

Oh, boy.

[ Drum beating slowly ]

Fellas, we got --

we gotta have m-more power.

More power.

That's it.

Give US all--all

the power you can.

Just remember, fellas --

we've been--we've been friends

for--for a long time.

And during--during --

yeah, yeah --

during the--during

the air controllers' strike,

did i--did I ask you

to take--to take a cut --

take--take a cut?

What--what about

the--the six days

a-and three nights

i-in lake ta--

in lake--in lake ta--ta--

uh, not far from Reno there?

All right.

More pow-- more power.

And d-- and don't

lose your rhythm.

Hey, how's it look

out there?

"How's it look

out there."

Captain, have you

ever seen a mountain

in the middle

of the Atlantic ocean?

Ah, Harry, you're

just a worrywart.

Hey, he owed me a --

don't anybody move.

Don't anybody move.

I'll take the parachute,

or I'll blow the plane

with these.

Hold on a second.

Can we flip for it?

What? Flip for it?

Up yours!

Here. Hold this for me.

Not that, numbnuts!

This!

Ooh!

That's

my favorite grenade!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were asleep.

But, uh, it seems

that I am lost.

Shh. What are you

searching for?

I'm on my way to London

to get a little peace.

There is peace

all around you.

Who in London

could give you peace?

Oh, uh...

Dr. Grasnover perks.

I am Dr. Grasnover perks.

You're

Dr. Grasnover perks?

Well, what are you doing

all the way out here?

Shh.

I flew "jolly fat" weehawkin

to New York.

Uh, why do you always say

"shh" before you speak?

[ No audio ]

[ Echoing ] Avalanche!!

Oh, shit.

Woman: You know, you are

very lucky to be alive.

They rescued you

from under 40 feet of snow

and brought you here.

You have

the dubious distinction

of being the coldest patient

we've ever had here.

[ Laughing weakly ]

It's a-a great

h-h-hon-honor.

Ha ha.

I, uh, have to change

your bedpan here.

Oh. Oh?!

[ Laughing ]

Mmm hmmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm.

Oh. Oh-hoo.

[ Clanking ]

The floor nurse said that

you had asked a question

about a patient here

in the hospital.

Oh, yeah.

The, uh, the lama.

You know,

the man with the beard

with the icicles on it?

Oh, yes. He's down

in the operating room.

They're going to open him up

to repair a ruptured spleen.

Ready.

No anesthetic.

I beg your pardon?

No anesthetic.

I should not like to have

strange gases and chemicals

infiltrate my body.

But we have to make an 8-inch

incision in your abdomen

and go in

and repair your spleen.

The pain would be

unbearable.

Sir, I am a master

of yoga, zen, I ching,

Mahatma Gandhi's

sense of levitation,

and self-control.

Well, I don't know.

Sir, I can disassociate

my mind from my body,

where I shant feel anything,

absolutely nothing

whatsoever.

Well, if this is really

possible, it would be

one of the greatest medical

discoveries of all time.

Trust me.

Very well. I'll do it.

Just a moment.

Before you proceed,

I shall place myself

in a catatonic state.

Once I am there...

I shall lie down,

and then you may begin.

Feineen!

Feineen!

Wolik!

Wolik!

Pont, pont.

Saylee meany.

Saylee meany.

Mummy. Mummy.

Wolupu. Wolupu.

Heist. Heist.

Mompist. Mompist.

[ Chanting ]

Saylike. Saylike.

Push.

Muminnng.

You may begin.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want you

to note the time.

This will be the first

moment in modern history

when a man has undergone

such an operation

without an anesthetic.

Ohh! That hurts!

Are you nuts?!

Ohhh!!

Ohhhh!!

Ohhhhh!!!

Wooowwwww!!

Oh!! Oh, pain!!

Ohhh, Christ almighty!

You think

you are a misfit?

Oh, yeah. Well, that's

what I said, you know,

when we first talked.

That's right -- misfit.

You think you

can't do anything right.

Oh, doc-doctor,

don't--don't, uh --

please don't st--

don't--don't

stand by the window, okay?

Why?

Well, I'm afraid

you'll fall out.

Mr. Nefrin, are you

afraid of heights?

Oh, yeah. Whoo!

I don't like any -- not --

as back as I can remember.

I mean, I wouldn't even

stand on my tiptoes,

which cost me a chance

at being a ballet dancer.

Acrophobia.

No, "swan lake."

I was very --

I loved that the best.

It's a common disorder

with a simple cure.

Oh, really?

I mean,

am I gonna be okay, huh?

Come on.

No.

Come.

No.

Floor.

Come.

[ Clomps ]

Ooh.

[ Echoing ] Come.

[ "Romeo and Juliet overture"

by Tchaikovsky plays ]

[ No audio ]

*

Dr. Pletchick: Now,

I know this must seem like

a drastic way to cure

your fear of heights,

but it is the only way.

You have to face your fears

bravely and squarely.

[ Nervously ]

Bravely and squarely.

Good. Now say after me --

there is nothing

to be afraid of.

[ Garbled ]

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

Good.

Nothing can happen to me!

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

Now turn around

and look over the edge.

No. Look all --

look all the way over.

Turn around.

Turn your body.

Come on.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

Okay. Now turn around.

Look down.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me.

Now go back there.

You're on your own.

Everything's gonna be

all right.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen to me.

Nothing can happen to me!

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There...is...nothing

to be afraid of.

Nothing can happen

to me.

Nothing can happen to me!!

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of!!

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

There is nothing

to be afraid of!

Nothing can happen

to me.

There is nothing

to be afraid of.

Nothing--nothing

can happen to me.

I did it.

I did it, doc.

Doc, did you see?

I did it.

I just -- doc?

I just le--

nothing can happen to me.

There's nothing to be scared

of.

I still don't know

what happened.

Hmm. I'll tell you

what happened.

What happened was

that it's a good thing

you landed on a flagpole.

That's what happened.

And then when you went

through the canvas awning,

you went through it,

like, 85 miles an hour,

although it slowed you down

a little bit.

And thank goodness for the

lady with the open umbrella.

When you h-h-hit that --

I mean,

I know it's not funny,

but that kicked you

right off into the bus,

and you careened off the bus

into the empty manhole.

It's a good thing

the manhole cover wasn't on.

You could've been badly hurt.

Heh heh.

It's my fault.

What am I laughing --

it's all my fault.

Everything I come

in contact with is wrong.

Maybe it would be best

for the whole world

if I just went away

and I just became a hermit.

That -- yeah -- a hermit.

Wait a minute.

A hermit?

I've got an idea.

Somebody--somebody here

can help you.

A hermit?

No. If I could

only remember his name.

There once was a hermit

named Dave, who had --

no, no, no!

His name isn't Dave.

It's not Dave. Well...

Get me the, uh,

address book on my desk.

On your desk?

Yeah, right up there.

On the top someplace.

Is it on the desk?

Right on top of the desk.

Right in the middle

of the desk.

Here's the middle.

[ Grunts ]

It's on top of the desk.

No. I don't --

I don't see --

I don't see none. No.

Warren, stand

in the middle of the desk.

I'm in the middle.

Okay. Look up.

I'm looking up.

Now...look down.

What does looking up

and looking down do for me?

Look at my desk, and you'll

see the address book.

It says "address book."

Well, I'm not lying!

There's no book

that says "address"!

Warren...

[ Thudding and crashing ]

Could you buzz

my secretary?

Ah! Ah!

The brown address book.

Whoa!!

[ Crash ]

Warren?

Warren?

Warren?

Warren?

[ Engine backfires ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

Ooh!!

I told them

they ship them too fast!

[ Car approaching ]

[ Honking ]

[ Banjo and harmonica music

plays ]

[ With southern accent ]

Well, hi.

A pleasant good day

to you, sir.

Welcome

to surefoot county.

And you was zippin'

right through that

like you were

a land-to-air missile.

Would I be too pushy, sir,

if I asked for

your license, please?

[ With slurred speech ]

I'm sorry, officer.

I don't have my license.

You don't have

your license with you?

How about that?

I'm gonna have to ask you

to step out of that car!

Step right out

of that car!

That's a fine car.

Right out of that car.

Now slow and spread 'em.

Turn around

and spread 'em now.

Just spread 'em.

Get those hands up there.

I'm checkin' out --

I spread --

I just gotta...

If you're worried

about a ride, my...

Ohhhh!

Wow!!

I don't know, doctor.

I don't think

I'm getting better.

Now, now. It's too soon

to be talking like that.

You've only

been coming here

for six or seven

hundred dollars.

Yeah, but I'm gonna be

running out of money soon.

Hey, what kind of a doctor

do you think I am?

You don't need money

to come here for help.

Well, that's very nice

to hear.

You can bring clothing,

silverware, jewelry.

A good

19-inch television set

will get you four visits.

I think I'm gonna have

to get another job.

Why? What happened

to your last one?

[ Crying ] Oh, don't ask.

Fill it up?

Oh, yeah,

would you please?

Uh, what's that sign about?

It means you have to have

the exact amount of cash.

I don't carry any money.

That way, I don't get robbed.

Well, that's terrible.

You're tellin' me.

The way things are,

you're not safe anywhere.

Wow. Then I got a problem.

Here's $100, and I want

you just to take this baby

and get some gas for it.

If there's anything left,

you keep it, all right?

Oh, that's very kind

of you, Mr. Davis.

And don't you worry.

I'm gonna treat this car

like it was my very own.

You have a car?

Oh, yeah. It's right over

there across the street.

You see it?

Right there in the front.

Do me a favor.

Yeah?

Treat it like it's my car.

Ha ha.

Yes, I will, Mr. Davis.

All right.

Okay.

Ha ha ha ha.

What a wonderful human being.

I got

a $100,000 car here,

and all I have

is a $100 bill.

What do I do now?

I have a suggestion.

Yeah?

Put up your hands.

You think you're a misfit.

That's what I said, you know,

when we first talked. Yeah.

Nothing I do is right.

* dooh

* da da-da da

* wa da-da da da

* da-da da

* da-da daa da

wah wah wah wah wah wah wo-wah

*

get up, Joe!!

Wake up!!

Quick!! Quick!!

* bah-dah bah

* dah-dah dah

* ba doot doot

* woo wooo-ooh

* wowa wowa wow

* buttercup, buttercup

* baahh

* bah-dah dah-dah

* bah-dah dah-dah

[ music blaring ]

We better get

a move on!

Don't the dance

start at 8:00?!

8:00, right!!

Right, 8:00!!

Ready.

You takin' that

new chick you met?!

She's really stacked!!

Beauty!!

Wait till you see her.

Wait till you see

what I got packaged

for tonight.

She's a 10-plus fraction.

Crazy!!

* wacko

* wack

* wack

* wack

* way dah-dah dah dah

hey, Joe!!

There's somethin'

up my ass!

[ Big-band music plays ]

I think I'll have the,

uh, nontoxic luncheon.

[ In nasal voice ]

Would you like to start

with juice, fruit,

or soup?

Uh, I think juice

will be fine.

We have apple, grapefruit,

pineapple, apricot,

orange, lemon, lemon crush,

banana, asparagus, avocado,

nectarine, tangerine,

cherry,

or pitless watermelon.

I think apple

would be fine.

Apple it is.

And what kind of salad would

you like with your meal?

We have Caesar,

watercress,

lettuce and tomato,

plain tomato, plain lettuce,

bibb lettuce,

hearts of lettuce,

hearts of bibb lettuce,

and lettuce leaves.

Uh, watercress

is always the, uh --

watercress it is.

Good choice. You got it.

And what'll you

have on it?

We have vinegar,

vinegar and oil,

plain oil,

thousand island,

hundred island,

Hawaiian island,

three mile island,

Russian, German, Swiss,

Mayo, roquefort,

blue cheese, brown cheese,

cheese, cheese and bacon,

bacon bits, bacon chips.

Uh, vinegar and oil

because --

vinegar and oil.

Good choice. You got it.

And now

for your main course --

we have steak, chops,

veal, lamb chops,

veal chops,

chops of beef,

beef tornadoes,

tornadoes of beef,

roast beef, boiled beef,

broiled beef, baked beef,

braised beef, ribs,

liver, lungs, or knees.

I think steak

is probably --

steak. Yummy.

And how would you

like that --

medium, medium rare,

well, well-done,

rare, very rare...

...sanka, coffee,

decaf, brim, cocoa --

hold it. Could I

just have a check?

Fine.

Will that be cash, visa,

mastercard, carte blanche,

American express,

bank of america card,

bank of Germany, bank of Tokyo,

bank of england,

bank of Honduras,

bank of Uruguay,

bank of

the peloponnesian islands,

bank of Chile,

bank of Israel, bank of...

Can I get my car, please?

[ In nasal voice ] Was it

a sedan, coupe, 2-door,

4-door, split top,

convertible?

What color was it?

Plain --

call me a cab.

You want checker, yellow,

red and white,

black and blue,

blue plaid...

[ Gagging ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Engine backfiring ]

[ No audio ]

[ Engine sputtering ]

Warren,

I owe you an apology.

You do?

The solution

to your problem

has been under my nose

all along,

and I've overlooked it.

It has?

It can be summed up

in one word --

posthypnotic suggestion.

Is that something you

need a prescription for,

or can you get it

over the counter?

Ha ha ha ha ha. No.

You get it right here.

Warren...

I want you

to close your eyes...

For you are going

to sleep.

I want you

to concentrate...

On the sound

of my voice.

There is darkness

all around you.

You are

completely...Relaxed.

As you go deeper...

And deeper...Asleep.

[ Snores ]

Now I'm going

to clap my hands once.

And when I do,

you will be...Asleep.

[ Grunts ] Mmm, yeah.

Warren...

Hmm?

I'm going to suggest to you

that your problem is solved.

[ Laughs ] Uh ha ha.

Uh ha ha.

You will never be

the same man again.

Oh.

You are in complete control

of your every move.

[ Laughs ]

Mmmm hmmm hmmm.

Never again will you

have to carry guilt

for the destruction

that plagues your life.

[ Grunts ]

And now, Warren, I'm going

to give you a key word.

And that key word

will trigger

a posthypnotic suggestion.

And that suggestion is

that all of the bad things

that I have mentioned

will be gone

from your life.

Uh ha ha.

No more destruction,

havoc, chaos.

You will be a well man.

Oh, yeah.

And that word --

the word I'm going to say

to you after you awaken --

is "smorgasbord."

Now awaken.

What happened?

You remember anything?

No, I don't.

Good.

Come with me.

Where are we going?

I'm gonna walk you

downstairs,

out into the world.

You are cured.

Nefrin:

I'm very relaxed.

Warren, you're

gonna understand this.

This feels like a --

I need to do this

for you.

I feel like

I'm sleeping in --

Warren! Warren!

So, I never listen --

let me take you out.

I'm really all right.

It's just that, you know --

it's like that feeling

of where you get

so perfectly relaxed,

you know?

Stand here

up against the wall.

I --

are you all right?

Warren. Warren!

Snap out of it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that, you know,

with such

a relaxed feeling...

That, uh --

are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm--i'm--i'm

just oooohhh.

You'll be all right.

I don't think

I'm cured very good.

Be patient.

I think I'm losing my...

[ Elevator bell dings ]

I'm okay, though.

Oh, there's a lady!

Here, lady.

Give me your --

it's okay.

I'll wait

for the next one.

No, no, no. Here.

Let me just open

that part.

If you get

your head in. Wait. Here.

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, lady.

Wait, lady. I can help.

Just get your head --

[ material rips ]

Aaahh!

There. There.

She's in!

Ooh!

Nefrin: The lady dropped

her sweater.

Dr. Pletchick: Right.

Why don't you go over

and pick it up for her?

I would probably

do something terrible.

No. You won't.

I assure you.

Okay, I'll try.

Wait.

What?

Smorgasbord.

I beg your pardon?

Smorgasbord.

I'm feeling

a little strange.

I know.

Now go help the lady.

Go help the lady.

I believe you dropped

your sweater.

How sweet.

[ Groans ]

Smorgasbord.

Smorgasbord.

Oh, I beg your pardon,

sir.

Could--could I trouble you

for 65 cents

for a cup of coffee,

a cup of coffee,

a cup of coffee,

a cup of -- 65 cents.

Oh, yes. Of course,

my good man.

Here's a dollar.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'll go get it.

I'm sorry.

No, I'll get it.

It's okay. I'll get it.

Aaahhh!!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Siren wails ]

Smorgasbord.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crash ]

Smorgasbord.

[ People shouting ]

Smorgasbord.

How was the movie?

Oh, it was

terrific.

Yeah.

Should we see it?

Absolutely.

Don't miss it.

Yeah.

Woman: [ In nasal voice ]

Say, uh, could you

handle another question?

Was it a good one...

Or fair?

Did you like it,

or did you love it?

Will I love it

or just like it?

Was it cute, or silly?

Was there music?

Was it loud?

Will we laugh?

Is it sad?

Is it long, or regular?

Could you see it twice,

or is once enough?

Well, uh, since

you're so interested,

I'll--I'll--I'll

tell you.

It's really good.

You know what happens?

You got a light?

I wanna thank the

naacp for this award.

Put me down!