Cosmic Blast (2018) - full transcript

The Great War will live

Vividly in the mind's of american's

for the next 100 years

I hope that when we do rememberance

to the memory of our brave boys

who fell in france

we shall not forget their brother's in arms

who wore the uniforms of our allies

I believe that the national lare of france

Great Brittan

Italy and Belgium



should for all time to come

be as familiar to us

as our own star spangled banner

(Old Timey Music Plays)

(song) Did you ever hear the story

did you ever hear the yarn?

Bout what?

Bout Gassoline Gus!

He saved up a dollar

Then he barrowed 20 cents

Then what?

For the Jitney Bus

His Coffee meal was made of tin,

but tin was made to pack things in



He hung a sign, and it read thus

this is Gasoline Gus and His Jitny Bus

Gus... Gus

Gasoline Gus

Gasoline Guis and his Jitny Bus

He packed 'em on the fenders

and he packed 'em on the hood

he packed 'em by the dozen

And the other dozen stood

From out the Heap, there came a cry

Hey! get that Suitcase out of my eye!

Gus, Gus, Gasoline Gus.

Gasoline Gus and his Jitny bus

(song ends)

Commrad Bulshov

You are wanted in interegation rooms

1 through 12

Commrad Bolshov

You are wanted in interegation rooms

1 through 12

(Russian music plays)

Greatings

And Welcome

from the New Soviet Replublic of Planets

My name is Doctor Bulshov

And i am here to interegate you today

(Comical yet unnerving music)

I have but, two questions for you

Who are you?

And why, were you flying
through red territory

Unrestricted

Without the proper, Identification

I'ts no secret.

I am Jacob

Captain of the Dva Orla

We were transporting good

When unusual circumstances befell my crew

I'm not telling you anything

If i rat out my friends...

can i go back to civilian life?

You don't look very new soviet to me

can i just clarifyone thing
before we get started

the woman, you found in the hall...

was not a sex robot

я секс-робот

we're not scientists...

hiding the next superweapon...

I promise

she was just your average companion robot

like those little seals, or the dogs

only she could cook and clean, and stuff

I love communism

I've never not loved Communism

I just don't wear the colors because I....

don't want to die

Nope

I am programed to please in many ways

and in many languages

I don't want to be here,

Can i go home please

let me start from the begining

(Powerful hopeful music)

Alright buddy

Looks like the radiation is from the west

so if the wind does not pick up

we;re going to be ok

give me your knife

(Stripping wires and grunting)

You are scraping to many of the wires off

I do not know if you speak russian

but i do not speak russian,

so i have to guess which one is the door

Could try one at a time

its not that one

(odd sounds door opens)

Did you do that?

Yeah...

this thing must have a working fusion core

thats why the lights are on

Score

(lights turn on)

Oh wow

Hey, come look at this part!

Oh my god, looks like a house!

Got a... could put a sofa there

you can put a tv there

is that Stalin?

Well you work

Oh my god that is Stalin

Hello comrad

Mind if i look out your window?

Oh yeah Sure, that make sense

I'm going to check out this room

we need to get to the engine room,

and rip the core out

before any other salveger does

Door open

lets try manualy

(light turns on noisily)

(ominous music)

(clicking button)

(door closes)

Hope that opens

(Computer noises)

(Russian language)

(Spanish Language)

(For English, please press 3)

(German Language)

Thank you for pressing three

Instructions and controls

Have been modified

for your personal preference

If you would like to change this option

You may do so at any time
through the main menu

Welcome to the new soviet vessel

Dva Orla

Communism is the only way to fly

Peter

Yeah?

I think we can fix this

What are you talking about

I think we can do it,

i think we can fix this Durging ship

whatever you did must have reset everything

But, I am registerd as the pilot

WHat are you talking about?

This is a space ship

We can not fix a space ship

One little mistake and PFFFAHHHHHPPUUULLKU

I checked

We get Edwardo to resurface the tiles

We get a salvedge title

and we are ready to go

How are we going to pay for all that?

We sell the car

(Triumphant music plays)

(Suspense music takes over)

One of your friends

may... or may not have....

told me, that they saved you...

from a slave market

would you care to eleborate

that is compleate and total bull

fine, if they are going to talk,

then i am going to tell you the truth

(curious music)

oh, just put a tissue
on it, it will be fine

Alright mr. Jenson

lets have a look at that root canal

(videophone calling)

Look Ricky

I need you to get that
package to Nueva Tiera

right now!

Hey Hey, don't worry boss

don't worry

As soon as a legitimate
buisness comes my way

I'll have this thing
right on it going too..

Nueva

Tiera

otherwise, you know whats going to happen

your nuts. in a jar...

Nuts in a jar Ricky!

Ya Ya Ya i get it i get it

my nuts in a jar

but don't worry

I'll have it there on time

I'm a professional

I don't care what you need to do

you hide that thing in a shipment

and you get it over here

yeah yeah yeah yeah

Come on, i know

Honey, do you think you can put

one of these pillow in your suitcase?

Diane!

I'm Busy over here, I'm doing Buisness

Alright ricky

You better do better

I got to go

before my wife packs the
bed in the suitcase.

Goodbye

This isn't Edwardos

This is an old Calonial barn in downtown...

New Millwaukee

Yeah but

We have to get a title

Before we put any money in it

Ah.... Smart

Hey, welcome to Ricky's Blacksmith shop

I can forge anything

Oh ho that's clever

we need a title for a vehicle

a real Salvage title

for a REAL salvaged vehicle

Oh yeah yeah yeah sure, how old is it?

Roughly hundred...

Hundred and twenty years old

whoa not many survivors of the galactic war

you sure that thing's not more modern?

Oh yeah

This has got surplus written all over it

(dentist drill)

(humourous music)

Ricky!

Shoot

Ricky

Whoa! if it isn't my beautiful

Jewel of the Dentistry

how can i help you today?

Your stupid extension cord pulled out again

and i'm in the middle of a root canal

One second please

Gee thanks

You know i pay enough rent here,

that you could install a perminant outlet

Consider it done

My princess of plaque removal

Yeah Sure.... Three years from now

yeah, sorry about all that

but, yeah your a

problem should not be a big deal

all just legaleeze

Doting I's Crossing T's so...

I'll be able to take
care of that no problem

with a small fee of course

Which brings us to our second point.

One, we need a job

Two

we need paper's...

that guarentee us safe passage

no matter what side of the war

we are boarded by.

Ah, now i see why you came to me!

You wan't your title

In exchange for your first job

am i right?

No way

We want to get paid for that too

right right right sure yeah

Actualy, you are in a heck of a lot of luck

if that thing can fly
to Nueva Tiera that is

Its going to be like a month

in a class 5

It will make it

besides, what else are we doing

hey that's right!

And if you get through this with the cargo

you will have some dough in your pockets

by the end of this too

Believe me

Alright

You run these number

Make sure it's not stolen for us

and we will be right back

yeah yeah yeah don't worry

the numbers will be checked

Got a comunicator?

Our number is in the folder

(drilling)

Well i think that concludes
our buisness then

I'll see you guys later

alfeeterzay... umm

Alfretasay?

Goodbye

get out of here

siera zonka

Whatever

Now i gotta find a cargo

Hey Tina?

(drill)

Tina?

Tina?

(Drill stops)

I;m a little busy Rick

How would you like to get tha.....

How would you like to get that..

Medical Degree you are always talking about

a real one this time

you know i do

plug that thing in.

I have a man in increadible pain

he didn't pay the extra for the anesthetic

I hear Nueva Tiera

has some excelent universities!

All you have to do is

work with sick students and stuff

and its free

And being the nice guy that i am

look at this

I'll take what you paid in rent

put it right towards the ticket

just with a tiny little fee

it will be fine

Are you serious?

(Mumbled) Im in increadible pain

yeah, i'll be with you in a second....

tell me more!

(Rock and Roll music Plays)

Dang

That looks like a lot of work yo

looks like a lot of work... lot of work

mmm we gonna get paid!

Alright, what's the damage?

You must be warping

this thing is crash, like tottaly rad yo

Translation?

It means the ship's in good shape

thank you

but can you fix it?

Are you kidding me?

This elevator is Scratching
like a gittyup lazer DJ

how much do we need to fix it up?

You slip diss slip diss

we got mad waves bro

we gonna like

Stitch you in

Scrape her down

and that will only be 500

but then we got to do the flame job

and that's gonna be 8 grand because,

you gotta do it

and it need to handle the
heat from the landing yo

i love your enthusiasm

but you are talking lobster dinner,

and we are on a popcorn budget

oih come on

you can't diss a clas boo like her

she deserves flames

lights...

a classic like this

don't deserve no 359

she deserves the whole '60

(rock and roll and silence)

Fine

The outer shell is lennenite
so that will hold up

we're gonna put a couple new monitors...

in the cock pit

lock a couple other things in

we could do it for your car

but it aint going to be pretty

as long as it will fly

You have my word

but

that don't mean much, cause if it

doesn't go right

You'll never see me again

(laughing) lets get started

(montage rock music)

Hey man, look what i found...

in one of these compartments

Yo is that heavy?

It aint light

We keeping this

YEAH!

Man... why won't this door cloase right

Eh, you Fred...

Make sure you fix that hidra

Oh man... hope nobody notices

Hey where'd it go?

I thought i just had it

Got another one for ya,

you don't need help with that do you?

Na, man i got this i got this

Eh, yo Fred!

Make sur eyou get that hidra fixed

Aww man... I aint even got time to light

this Ciggerete i so busy over hear man

Haha

It was stuck on my chair!

Stuck on my chair

Where did it go? Right here!

He he he he yeah baby

look at that!

Hey, here's another one

Aint nobody noticing,

we drinkin' on the job

Oh man

Eh yo Homey!

I got your wrench, you need your wrench?

I got your wrench.

I don't need that wrench no more man

Oh, you don't need the wrench

Man

Close man!

Eh, man i'm done with that

What do you need?

EHYEAY!

Sorry about that homey!

Alright, so this is the main controls

But as long as we have
the laptop patched in

i figured what the hell

Patch the controls into the keyboard.

Go ahead and take the wheel

alright

(Engines start)

(lift off)

(Electro music plays)

Everybody alright?

Clear yo!

(techno music intensifys)

That reminds me

the thrust is the same

But to activate the turn,

you need to use the side arrows in space

its a compleatly different
method of movement

outside the atmosphere

Wow

uhoh

what?

The artificial gravity in the
sleeping Quarters is red

move over

ok, its green now, i guess
it just needed to be reset

yeah. it works

i knew this baby could bounce

aight we done yo!

Give us the keys and thats a fair trade

then we can get out of your hair

come on

we aint got all day

we didnt do this for free

lets go

its a good ship man

Yo, you gonna love it

We out. Peace!

Everything is going to be alright

lets just calm down

calm down?

Everything is not going to be alright!

We just unlocked another

mystery of the universe

that could destroy everything,

You want me to calm down!

Ok

I did not want to do this, but i know a guy

who knows a guy

and maybe

I could call that guy

he will make everything alright

a guy you don't know?

I know the guy who knows the guy

and i know i can trust that...

Guy...

well its better then our options

which is nothing really

except waiting

and hopefully

they just don't find us.

I mean that one guy sold us out

but

they don't know where we are

of course they don't know where we are now,

but if you call someone, they will

be able to track us here

they can't track us here, specificly

they can only track us to the nearest tower

which is miles away, so we're ok

We need to get the samples off the planet

We need to get them off the planet

We need to get them off now

I don't know

you can do

Whatever you think is best

we just need to take care of it...

go take care of it

ok, so i'll call the guy

here

GEOfry, call the guy who
knows the guy i know

That's what i am saying boss

Everything is in the bag

All i need is some sort of a shipment

And that could be just about anything

Heck

I could get a box of potatoes

you know the Ruskies they love that stuff

Alright ricky

Oh wait one second i'm getting another call

Look

We know what you do

All we need from you is to take our...

Shipment off this planet,

with no questions asked or facts given

as soon as possible

Gentleman

You have come to the right place

New Crewmember recorded

Welcome to the Dva Orla

this is nice

kind of a musty smell though

GEOfry Give me an ETA

I don't trust these guys

I'm just gonna

i'm gonna burn it

im going to burn it all

and then we don't have
to worry about it again

You can't burn it, if you burn that stuff

it reacts and we all die

guess thats worse

But it might happen anyway

Maybe its not even in here

We don't know anymore. Maybe it got lost

Its in there

we know that because we put it in there

no don't

(spaceship roars)

(outstandingly awesome rock music plays)

GEOfry give me an exact
location of the ship

(Door Opens)

Excuse me, Is this the Dva Orla?

Yeah

It is

I am doctor Norman Zazzles

And this is my assistant

College

my college

Dr. Rustina Openhiemer

Oh...

Yeah

You are the uhhh

the crew right

Crew? no, were not crew we just passengers

and we have some cargo... to take

Yeah, i know about the cargo

but then it says here.. uh..

Rustina Openhiemer. signed on... Norman

Zazzles

Yeah Zazzles... says right... Crew

GEOfry check that contract again

Excuse me one minute

he always like that?

(phove call) Uh Please and thank you's

excuse my i got another call coming in

Hello How's it going?

Ricky, i want my money back right now

Oh, yeah refund.. you want a refund

yeah refunds are great.

But you know what else is great?

A couple a soldiers

some very ambitious scary looking soldiers

and they are right over there

yeah, they are right here talking to me

and they are looking for you

do you want to say hi to them

Yeah

Lets say hi to them.

Before i get your your refund

here

say hi to the soldiers

See here

amendment 27 here

(mumbling)

grab a box Rustina

why what did he say

Just grab a box i'll explain later

Air systems... green

Guidance..... Green

Gravity... Freaking yellow

Green

Alright, I got the Uh....

Hand's all tied down, and we got the doc so

just about ready to go

is that yellow?

K we are good

I'll tell them to batton down

Rodger that!

Attention crew

this is your captain speaking

we are about to disembark

now would be a great time
to find yourself a seat

put your butts into your chairs

And if you have a seatbelt

I suggest putting it on

and hold on tight

(exciting rock and roll plays)

Attention Crew we have left the atmosphere,

prepare for hyperspace travel

(Futuristic funky music plays)

Shing Ga

Is that our traveling speed?

Edwards must have hooked up up right

Attention crew,

we have reached travling speed

you are free to move about the cabin

alright

Where is my gun?

Oww my writing hand too

Why did you have a knife when we jumped?

I found it in my seat.

What was i supposed to do

not open it up and play with it

what happend

I just cut myself

ill go get the Dr.

Trina!?

Or Tina

Dr. get in here!

Thank goodness it does not look that bad

yeah its fine i just need it cleaned up

Well we don't know where
that knife has been

It could have infections

it will be fine, thats why we have doctors

Well, i don't like seeing you hurt

What?

We got a man hurtm you got to patch them up

sorry i don't work here

what?

Please don't tell me Ricky tricked you too,

Because we paid a boatload to hire you on

hold on just a second

it says right here in black and white that.

Son of a...

you gotta be...

serious?

Where is he?

He is actualy a woman

Hey, that feels pretty good.

Reminds me of when i was a little girl

But why didn't you just
put artificial skin on it

I made that bandage myself

it should heal up without much of a scar

you know

Artificial skin takes up less room

and it does not cost that much more

I'll consider that

thank you very much

I like the whole holistic thing.. but

I't going to suck to
touch stuff for a while

danget, its yellow again

Peter check the artificial gravity

the thing is yellow again

(Muffled) Check the what?

Artificial gravity

(muffled) K...

alright fine

(tools clunking)

(scary mysterious music)

(Music changes tone)

(old cartoon music singing)

This is Horrible....

Oh my god!

(song) Just pretend that your sick

And your Poor back is sore

And Limp with a groan to the hospital door

While your pals train in rain

you can lay back and snore

if you gold brick

just gold brick

just gold brick

(song continues)

Ok You Two

uh...

why don't you go secure those boxes

but i hurt my hand

you got it bandage just go back there

and lock things down tight

but we are already at traveling speed

why would we need to lock things down

we will be slowing down eventualy.

Go do it

alright fine

come on rusty

(Quick exciting music plays)

I am programed to assist you

in any of your needs

I have been programed

with Culinary Recipies

And can organize and steralize

your environment

I am going to have to find
a way to cook in here

How shall i address you

oh yeah oh of course my name's Peter

What's yours

You may call me whatever you wish

my last master refered to me as

бесполезный тостер

(Door opens)

(sigh)

Hand me another strap

no this is rope i want a strap

you used them all

What? when did that happen

When you used 5 million other ones

on all the other boxes

in the other cargo bays

why didn't you tell me

we were running low

I did tell you we were running low

No you didn't

I did too!

When?

When i told you

Our supplies are running low

how am i supposed to know what that meant

What else is that supposed to mean

I don't know how about using Quantative

Adjatives

Like number

I don't know, how am i supposed to know

what the relitive low means

low means few

we had few, now we have zero

is that enough of a number for you? Zero

we have rope

how about using five or three?

One! One rope

what does that mean?

It does not matter sir

My name is now NAT as you requested

well uh NAT

Tell me about yourself

I was constructedby request

of the great Czar Checkov

I was the most life like
model for two years

before being replaced

I was then modified and repurposed

for use in the kitchen of the great palace

until the great rebelion

I was then given to Czar Checov's son

as he escaped in this vessel with two

other more advanced models

I was placed in storage and forgotten

That's...

not good...

uh, its fine

don't fall down from that big box

and break your neck

Oh by the way, we are running out of straps

there is no down in space

you can't fall down off a box in space

don't get me started on this debae again

because the up and down concept is entirely

created by mas

large enough to have a center of gravity

that you are pulled towards

we have created artificial gravity

so in space here is a down

but the down is a lie!

The more accurate down would be

finding the next closest star or moon

or large planet in order to exert enough

gravitons on us

How do you know that this is a lie?

Because it's artificial

We could change it at any time

(Deep drone of night time)

hey norm?

What?

Do you ever wonder why we became scientists

No.. go to sleep

Well... i don't, I don't know why i don't

I just don't

Interesting

Rusty, go to sleep

I can't, i keep thinking about stuff

try counting sheep

oh what kind?

Uhhh pick your favorite

When i was young, i tried to breed

multicolored sheep to make argile socks

Then count your fingers

Hey Norm

mmmhmmm

when peter touched my gieger counter

it beeped

he is slightly radioactive

he's radioactive?

Mmhmmm

i asked him about it

he said he wexposed
himself to radioactivity

to get out of the draft

shrewed

maybe we should have tried that

yeah

maybe

i wonder what the long term

health effects are

I'm surprised it hasn't deminished yet

I'm guessing he did it a while ago

maybe

maybe there is something else going on

maybe

Maybe he is actualy a robot

and internaly he has like a nuclear reactor

in order to power him

and that's why he is actualy radioactive

and he was just lying to me

I am glad that's settled

huh...

Don't ask me, where i got these

but i was able to find you

a top

some nice pants

and a lovely leather jacket

thank you very much Peter.

Hey Norm

What?

Hey Norm?

What?

I'm glad you are a scientist with me

I'm glad you're a scientist with me too

but not right now because i need some sleep

(jazzy upbeat lounge music!)

Say the sun comes up is because when...

what they see, is the earth going around

the star

now we, are not on said planet

we are in the fork

or the spaceship if you will

Yeah

Wish i had a golf ball

How did you?

Wow uh... thanks... Uh...

any chance you can cut

the next one diagonaly

AHA! I have you now captain freedom!

You will never take me
alive you imperial dog!

AHA, but your phasor cannon

is all out of ammunition, and my

twin crossbows of death,

have you in there sights

thats ok but i have air support

(SCAW)

NO!

Curse you captain freedom, CURSE YOU!!!!

Doc we need you!

I'm watching Wrestletopia.

Its joe Mohawk vrs Larry the Wearwolf

the sun, has nothing to do with it,

it all depends upon our position

no

No

No

No

No... no... yes... yes... yes... no

no

(song ends)

It does not matter what you say

there is no sun up in space

because we are not on a planet

where the sun can come up over the horizen

line in the distance

are you suggesting the sun actualy comes up

over horizen line when you are on a planet?

I am suggesting that the phrase

lends itself to the notion that it appears

to rise and to set

yeah, and at sun up is when you rise

then why do they call it sun up,

and not you up

because you have such a shining personality

you were the one who said there was down

in space, how can you say the sun comes up

when you dont even think there is a down

check

mate

im going to stab you with this fork

do it i dare you

UHHHHHHH

Ok.... Week two

Everybody alright? anything new?

Yeah, the eggs have turned

Thats impossile,

they were powdered and canned

they should last more then a century

We didn't pack any canned bagged eggs

Jesus, these things have been on here

since it was abandoned

Ok

Lets say this is a planet

yeah, ok thats a planet

I'm going to be back before they are done

and this right here, is the sun ora star

Now, if we are on, said planet

sun rises, because the earth goes...

because the planetary system goes

around like this

Alright, and now we are not on said planet

we are here

so you are only suggesting that

that the notion of sun up in space

is insignificant because the sun

Doesn't go up in space

and yet when its used on the planet

the sunalso doesn't go up there either,

so the phrase is felecious to begin with

do you think he is acting weird lately?

I don't know, im a doctor not a psyciotrist

Still bad....

NAT? where did you get those eggs?

NAT?

(Snapping fingers) NAT

Do you Require me sir?

Yes, Nat, where did you get those eggs?

That you made for us this morning

in the back storage.

My programing requires that i use

the oldest items first
as to prevent spoiledge

Ah um

why don't you show me where
that back storrage is later

but for now i just want you...

when you are cooking

just

Run food by me, just to make
sure it has not spoiled

That is untrue sir,

I checked the compesition

it held a surprising amount of nutrients

including high amounts of protien and iron

without contaminents or pathegeons

ok, i am sure that is true

but

they kinda.. tasted bad

unfortunatly sir i do not have

the ability to taste

right

tell you what

next time just

run anything by me that is passed its

due by date

ok?

Update Accepted

the sun

wewouldn't really know the sun

as like....

the sun, because we are not on earth

we have never been on earth

all the suns are actualy stars

actualy stars

ok alright..

(warning signal)

Warning ship aprouching

Warning ship aprouching

Time to get serious,

and i don't mean the constalation

(Rock and roll Chase music)

Attention ship you are in direct...

shing ga!

That's an imperial Zero Zero Five!

What's going on?

We have a ship in colision course with us

that's an Imperial Zero Zero Five

right

(lazer cannon fire)

that cannon needs a new coil dumbass

you are just blasting off paint

how are you still on me

where is that warning signal coming from?

(mumbling)

Ok we have an imperial cruiser behind us

and they probably want to kill us

so i am really hoping

you know how to use this

I'm a pacifist sir.

I'll take it

alright they are probably going to meet us

in the cargo room, cause thats where

they usualy like to dig in

but uh...

why don't you stand in front and...

put a flower in their gun

wait wait! do you have a gun for me?

Ummm

yeah

its really old so if you have any misfires,

just keep squeezing the trigger

well thats pretty badass

a little small though

B for Boost

B for Boost

B for Boost

warning

Warning

warning

(silence)

(spaceship flies by noise)

(Quiet spaceship zoom)

(rock Music restarts)

He'll blow the engines

wait how serious is this?

(lazer fire)

(space explosion)

Holy Buckets, the reactor went. thier dead.

Attention, The hostile ship behind yours

has been destroyed

Please drop below light speed

and prepare for inspection.

The Sixth Reich thanks you

for your cooperation

what the hell i'll take it

agreed, but be advised

our reator is overheating

and will require our attention

thanks for the assist

Norm, Rusty, meet me near the reactor

we will be putting on rad suits
and cooling it down manualy.

Peter we are being boarded entertain them

Doc!

(Impending doom music)

Okay...

Okay...

its going to be fine

be careful, do not rip theat suit.

I only have enough Anti Rad for

Incedental exposure, not

Swiming in a nuclear reactor

Alright it is going to be fine.

As long as they are not crazy

as long as they are not the crazy ones

with all the piercings

as long as they are not the crazy
women ones with all the piercings

i am fine

Oh darn...

are you the comander of this vessel

Lady, i just... i just work here

where is your comander

He is dealing with the core melting down

I don't know if you noticed

but we had a warship on our asses

we noticed. We took care of it

now drop nthe tough guy act,

before i have Otho come down here

beat you with your own shoes

doable

show me your cockpit

show you my what?

Cockpit

Right, this way.

(reactor humming)

why is this side yellow?

Because if it was white you would be dead

and here is the food prep area

I have many sanitary concerns

yeah everyone who comes in here says that

Careful

oh what am i getting myself into...

im getting a suit on

its red now is that good?

(only sound is reactor)

Guys?

And this is the cargo bay...

where we keep the cargo

I wouldn't grab that box!

Cleaner

strong cleaner

I didn't see it

i did not see it.

And that is the grand tour

I hope you enjoyed your time

on our starship, and you will come again

what is that room off the dining area?

That would be my room

you will show us that room

alright

its not like i have
anything illegal in here

just private

see i told you

(spaceship takes off)

(slow happy upbeat music)

Ladies and gentleman,

if you tuirn on the comunac tv to chanel 15

we will be looking out the port camera

at one of the most amazing sites

in the galaxy

I'll be slowing down so we can get a good

but only five minutes as these are

dangerous waters

(tv theme song)

What could be more interesting then

rewatching sex and the biodome

(tv music stops. Epic space music starts)

Whats going on?

(suprise with awesomeness music)

Warning, ship approuching

alright, take a final look

there apears to be a raider vessel nearby

so we will be out of here shortly

(Boxes shifting and falling)

What was that

Me falling down

i think something fell in the cargo bay

Oh, yeah, we got to go resecure

that one bay... come on rusty

oh shoot, well it's this way,

thats what i meant

because i know where i am going

Its a confusing ship, it's understandable

(unnerving curious music)

oh no, looks like we forgot to

Tie this one down, its
been bounching around

what even is that?

I don't remember that being in here...

Fauna specimen

Narora giant toxitoad

a toxitoad!

Yeah why?

Dude, those things spit a hallucinogen

that's so potent, its like LSD on drugs

Seriously

how far can they spit the poisen

Farther then this!

OH boy!

Oh come on the box is closed

(box opens)

Rusty!

Yeah...

The box is open

Really?

(terrifying music)

why don't you uh...

close the box

why don't you go close the box?

Why me?

Its going to spit!

(spitting)

warning

warning

What in orions armpit is going on here?

Warning!

I did not do it. i was just watching

season 2 of sex and the biodome

Warning

maybe we picked up some radiationr

from false star

we passed false star

and no one bothered to wake me

guys, when we stopped at false star

a toxitoad got loose

and now

ts in the ventilation system

we stopped at false star

and no one bothered to wake me?

And it has norm

i mean not litteraly like with it

but, it like spit at him andnow he is like

Tripping, and its super crazy

and he was saying something about lincoln

(overlaying each other
about False Star and toad)

Next time we pass i would
like to be woken up

and i dont think he has any friends

so it cant be one of them

he was dancing, and it was weird

Odin's bloodsoaked eyepatch!

I'm going to get my gun and,

take care of it

it was really weird

(same scary music about toad)

(grutning and crawling noises)

Jacob!

Jacob are you there?

I just got in the maintenence tunnel

ok umm

im the big dot in the center

let me know if you see something

there it is behind you.

Behind me? I can't really turn around

Alright you are going to have to

find a place to turn around

because it is coming at you,

and its coming pretty fast

are you kidding me!

Hurry up its almost on you!

There is a turn up ahead i'll turn there

four meters

three meters

two meters

that can't be right...

i would have hit it by now

one meter

it can't be right

I'm at the turn...

AHHHH!!!

Jacob?

Jacob?

Jacob?

(silence)

(toad chirping far away, busy signal)

then there were three

alright, new plan

Ok, Ummm

he is going to be fine

He is just going to have
a horrible hangover

alright i have

something ive been hiding

so umm

it is a robot

oh look jacob is ok

(subtle confusing music)

(Sudden intense scary music)

yaha! Captain Freedom!

By my read white and blue balls...

this is for captain freedom

(Ave Maria plays, counter to violent scene)

(clicking keyboard furiously)

Captain Freedom YEAH! Captain Freedom OH!

(Song stops)

Well, he has locked himself
in the control room

and i think he is singing...

the Captain Freedom theme song

Good, he can sober up in there

and then we can get control back

what was your idea?

Well,

couple days ago, i sorta found this robot

is it a sex robot

companion robot

what!?

And how did you know?

Why else would you hide it

because....

Rusty!

I need you to track the toad

while i reprogram the robot

ok...

(door opens and closes)

Guess there is no harm in watching

Sex and the Biodome

(Sex and the Biodome Theme Song)

listen..

We have a small situation

uh, there is a creature

that is loose on the ship

and it will make any of us

who are humans, kind of halucinate

if we touch it

I am going to need you to

catch it for us, ok?

You think you can do that?

Oh yes sir

i need you to locate a toxitoad

file not foud

I am unable to proccess your request

Can we update your data banks?

(sex and the biodome music)

(something falling in cargo bay)

rusty are you alright?

(TV off)

System rebooting

file changes found

Scanning for Viruses, Scanning for Malware

No maleware detected

new protocal recognized.

Locate and capture foriegn organism

Species, Toxitoad.

Hold this as running priority one

YES!

Secondary Protocol found.

What?

Cut master in half diagonaly for sandwhich

OPk, uh, oh uh, NAT....

i need you to... NAT..

Could you come back here please?

I need you to take the

knife, and put it somewhere else...

(Horror music plays)

NAT...

Remember, when i said to cut the sandwhich

you can just cut them strait from now on.

I don't mind

Tina... could you help me please?

(silence)

If i were a spider, i could spin my own

Wedding dress

and it would be really cool,

because it could stop bullets

but then no one would marry me

because i am a spider

(horor music plays)

(toad spits)

priority one

(Psycadelic music plays)

(lazer hits ship)

(lazer hits ship)

(lazer hits ship, Action Sci Fi music)

we are in no man's land!

(Lazers firing back and forth)

(Screaming)

(lazer hit)

warning, thrust has been compromised

all power has been diverted to life support

distress signal sent

and that's everything you know...

I have peaced the truth together

from your testimonies

and as chief Interragator of this vessel

I have the right to souly pass judgement

I have decided

That you will be executed as a spy

by being blown out the airlock

oh that blows!

For aiding a suspected spy,

and owning an unliscensed comfort robot

you shall be executed

by being blown out of the airlock

Wait don't i get like a...

like a Second opinion or something?

You are convicted of practicing

medicine without a liscense.

Im sure you are aware of the fine....

and as for you...

congradulations, on joining

the NEW SOVIET Republic

we will be very greatful
for your assistance

and to assist you, in your work

But i'm a pacifist

but i don't want to join the womens corps

and as for you

my delicious retro plaything

i have great news for you

i have been craving to see one of you

since i was a school boy

I read all of the owners manuals

i know your loyalty protocals

will prevent you from geting a new master

being released but....

your old master is about to be released

through the air lock

so

Why don't you

make me a sandwhich

(airlock opens)

ah, airlock number three

should have known it would be you.

Not this again

number three has been

screwing me my whole life

well you know what they say,

third time is the charm.

Really

we are going to do that now

(Screaming)

(warning signal)

What is that?

Is he just going to leave us?

Bolt!

(Warning sound continues)

come on, its this way!

There she is, the Dva Orla

Come on i found a shortcut

(Fun Happy Escape music plays)

keep a look out for our friends,

im going to fire up the engines

what are all these guns doing on the table

what's my gun doing on the table?

Oh shoot!

No, no, its us, its us.

Who are you?

I'm the captain of this ship, who are you?

I am the one fixing this ship

was it fixed?

Yes

then get out of here

you are very rude

Oh thank god you two made it

Get that helmet off

we don't really have time to wait for tina

so we are just going to go without her

well that's nice!

Now i don't feel so bad about

selling you guys out so hard.

Oh thank god everyone's here

you two strap in, and im going to go crazy

buckle up back there.

This space station is going to

have a new door the exact
same size as this ship

(fun escape music)

(Hull riping open)

((song)... Dance dance dance, )

Spaceship explodes

(thump)

you guys aren't going to believe this

but the space ship just blew up

Also, we have reachedd traveling speed

you are free to move about the cabin

Yay, we did it, we're alive!

I'm going to need a drink of something

oh yeah it was fine, i was just going to...

get a fine for

practicing without a liscense, but i'm fine

I'm glad you guys are fine

there is to many fines in there

we need to come up with a

better word for fine

so uh,

I got out, what were thewy going

to make you do

i was going to be like a cook or something

what?

No way!

I was goinmg to be a cook

because of my experience

and since im a pacifist

you have no experience cooking

you are a terrible cook

i used my

my creativity

and i sparked it upon them

i was like hey, i wont fight, but i make a

mean... three bean salad

and they were like, dude no way

we haven't had a decent three bean

salad in ages, i was like i can make that

what were they going to have you do?

I could not really hear

your interagation room

why did you have to say it like that?

Cause that was working really well

that was working really well im sorry.

Yeah, no they were going to have me

join the womens corp and i would have to

fight space nazis

that does not sound to bad, it sound

like it would pay well.

Really

yeah

being a cook it like

i dont think you get paid

you don't?

No...

but i'ts communism, everybody gets...

Nothing...

What?

What?

I thought the whole point of communism

was to get stuff

everybody gets stuff

what kind of stuff?

Like money

like starvation?

Everybody get money, right?

What kind of money, space money?

Like text money

everybody pays their space bucks

and then they get like cash

why would you pay it in and then

get it back

what's the point why not just not pay it

thats a good point

thats a good point

so what is communism?

NAT!

I have returned to charge,

as my batteries only hold

ten percent of their former capacity

you seem stressed

shall i make you a sandwhich

NO!

(old timey record of BLUE DANUBE plays)

You can tell, that this baby was born, um..

The right way,

because it has a concavel head

babies born in a cesarian do not have this

is that true?

That is true

cause i still have like a seam

in my skull

Really?

Yeah like where its flat, feel it,

like right here

Oh, Yeah!

I know isn't that strange?

Were you a C Section?

No

No ok wow

cool, we found out something about you.

And your worth

laughing

(old record music continues)

(film and sound reverses)