Cosi (1996) - full transcript

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What the hell are they wasting money
on this for? Can you tell me that?

It's his pet project.

We need staff, we need beds, and
they're wasting money on this.

Errol, the minister wants this to go
through. He thinks drama is good therapy.

Yes.

Fuck off!

Is that all? Two? Well, all right then,
let's have the first one.

You.

Take a seat, Mr. Riley.

This is errol greer, head nurse; Sandra
Russell, head occupational therapist;

and I'm Jeff kirner, the
director of this institution.



Have you ever worked with
mental patients before, Mr. Riley?

No.

You
didn't finish university?

No, well, I, wanted to
experience a little bit of the world first.

Marvelous, marvelous.

What this project is about,
Lewis, is people,

getting them to gain
confidence through theater.

- You ever directed anything?
- Yeah.

- Like what?
- Various things.

- We need something within their reach, a pantomime.
- Pantomime, I've done pantomime.

- Variety show?
- Now, that's exactly the sort of thing that I had in mind.

All right. Heads,
the dyke. Tails, Orson welles.

It was a unanimous decision.

This is the closed ward. Our
hardened clients are sent there.



You won't be working with any of those,
which is just as well.

Don't worry about what you see around the
place. Things are pretty well under control.

Well, have been.

You have to keep
an attendance folder.

They have to be back in the
ward at 4:00 sharp, no ifs or buts.

No smoking in the hall because we don't
have enough fire extinguishers to go around.

Stay calm.
Don't upset the patients.

They're on varying degrees of medication,
but don't let that worry you.

Just worry about the ones
who aren't.

Here it is.

It's not exactly the palladium,
but I'd say,

with a bit of elbow grease,
it should scrub up fine.

What are you doing here, Roy?

I've been waiting a long
time. Where are they? Who?

The others. I heard
we were doing a show.

What ward are you from?

He's not from a ward, Roy.
He's the director.

Marvelous,
marvelous. My name's Roy. What's yours?

Lewis.
Marvelous!

We'll be a team like
Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin.

So, when are the auditions?
What are you talking about?

Jerry's gonna direct my favorite opera,
cosi fan tutte.

Don't be stupid, Roy.
No one's doing an opera.

I'll go and organize
your auditions immediately.

See you tomorrow then?

Jerry.

- So, you got the job.
- Yes, I got the job.

So, you don't seem
very enthusiastic.

Well, it'll do
until I get a real job.

That's what you said
about the last one.

Well, Nick said that
this one'd be a bit of a lark.

I think it's a great thing to do. Yeah.
it's great.

I've already met
a 50-year-old psychotic...

Who wants me to direct an
opera and thinks I'm Jerry Lewis.

Is he handsome?

Incredibly. As a matter of fact, I think
you two would make a very good couple.

I think I might've found my true
vocation in life: Matchmaking.

- You'd even follow it through to the wedding.
- Hi.

Nick. Hey, come in.

Lewis, Lucy.

I've come to ask a favor.

Can I move in?
It's just for a short while.

Sure, of course, you can. I had
a bit of trouble on the home front.

- Emma kick you out?
- You know me, Lucy. I'm at a bit of a loss with women.

Try men then, Nick.

She's gonna make a great lawyer.
Quick, heartless.

I'm god's lonely man
on the streets of Moscow.

The question of my parentage
is driving me insane! Hey!

It's driving me to drink.

You know, if I didn't have to do my
production of diary of a madma so soon,

I'd love to do that asylum job.

- Think of the experience.
- Would you be able to come in and help me occasionally?

Synchronicity. You're
directing a show with madmen.

I'm directing and starring
in a show about a madman.

God, you really are
close to the piggeries.

So, will you be able
to come and help me?

Lewis, there's only
one thing to remember:

Madmen are normal people. It's
just they've ended up in an asylum.

You go to bed.
You come to bed.

Sorry about the noise. You
know Nick. He gets a bit excited.

Lewis, normal people
don't prepare...

For their first day at work
by getting smashed.

It's your first job in ages.

Yeah, exactly, which is why I've
chosen to take this unique approach.

Are you
gonna take this seriously?

You can't keep drifting along.

One day you're gonna
have to finish something.

Don't worry about it.
It's gonna be a breeze.

I can handle these people.

Pay
attention! We're here!

I've scoured the wards, Jerry.

And believe me, there's a lot
of talent on this list.

There should be plenty
to choose from for the opera.

Roy, we're doing a variety show.

Of course, of course.

All right,
who's on first?

Get off!

I thought you were
in a closed ward.

I tunneled my way out.
Who's the poofter?

Jerry, our director.

Yeah.
You get to fuck the actresses?

I heard that's why
people wanna direct.

Okay, I'm gonna do me piece now.
It's called "shang a do Dee."

Okay, okay, okay.

Too long have you white
motherfuckers ruled this country.

Now it's time for our people
to take control.

I could never understand the words of
rock and roll, but he's got good rhythm.

Next!

Hello.

I'd like you to meet
Mr. Sock.

We're going to do a poem
for you.

Lovely, Ruth.

The last word of a little child.

"Silence," the young girl said.

"Why, why must you weary me?

"Plague me no longer now,
Good.

For I am listening
like the orange tree."

The klingons are gaining
on US, Mr. Spock.

Go to warp factor five, Scotty.

The engines can't take it,
Mr. Spock.

Beam her up.
Somebody fucking beam her up.

Faster, you creep!

c-can't s-sing.

Get off of me,
you mad banshee.

Right.
We've got our six.

This is a very
unusual position for me.

Come on,
Jerry. Let's get this show on the road.

Stay, Henry. Stay.

So, shall we start now?

Yes, I guess it's really down
to what we wanna do.

It looks like
a small group of six.

Six. Yes, that's
what I wanted, six.

We've been thinking
about doing a variety show.

We haven't been thinking any such thing,
Jerry. Don't be patronizing to US.

We're gonna do
cosi fan tutte, the opera.

Little Richard wrote an opera?
"Tutti frutti," the opera?

It's an opera by Mozart,
you lowlife.

It's the greatest opera
in the whole world.

You're university-educated,
Jerry. You must know it off by heart.

What's it about?

It's about testing
how true your lover is.

Well, I'm shattered
and wrung out already.

- Shut up or I'll knock your block off!
- Come on!

Hey! - Get him off.

Cut it out!
Sit down!

Go burn a cat.
vicious.

You gotta be tough
with 'em, Lewis.

Okay,
okay. Well, why don't we...

Why don't you give US an outline
of the story then, Roy?

It starts off in a coffee shop
in Naples, Italy.

These two young fellas are boasting
how faithful their girlfriends are.

So, this old fellow, Don Alfonso,

He says to guglielmo and ferrando,

"Okay, let's make a wager
and test the girls' fidelity."

So, the young men,
they pretend to go overseas and fight,

but they come back
disguised as Albanians.

This
cracks me up every time.

Right. Of course, the girls
fall for the albinos.

Albanians.

Yes, but there's a twist.

Guglielmo's girlfriend falls
for ferrando and vice versa.

Anyway, the boys reveal
their disguises,

and things right themselves
in the end,

and Don Alfonso is proved right:
Women are never true.

- We'll have to have a real cappuccino machine.
- What?

In the opening scene,
in the coffee shop.

This is just another
battle of the sexes.

I suppose so,

if you could describe
the crusades...

As a sightseeing lark
on the way to Jerusalem.

Please,
someone give him some lithium.

Come on, everyone.
Show some enthusiasm.

This is a masterpiece.
There's music.

Of course, there's great music.

- Let me get this straight. There's some singing.
- It's all singing.

But I'm the only one
that can sing.

Yes,
but Jerry can train the others.

Chin up, Jerry.
I believe in you.

Now, now,
there's just one more thing.

Who speaks Italian?

Hey,
it's an easy language! Ask any Italian!

Get off me.

Aren't you two rats
gonna desert the Titanic?

I prefer this to the ward.
Is this the music to it?

I don't need the score anyway.
It's all in my head.

It is the Harmony
of the spheres,

and that Harmony
is Mozart's music.

Without that,
there would just be...

A clanging, banging bedlam
all around US.

I'll win 'em over, Jerry.
Tomorrow, come back.

And you'll find we've missed the
iceberg and we're sailing into calm waters.

Trust me, Jerry.

Pigs don't die with any sort
of grace, do they?

"Women are like
that." No.

Actually, it's
"it's like that."

But the implication is that women
are like that. Women are foolish.

We are just falling in love with men at
the drop of a hat and betraying them.

Lucy, why are you taking this so
seriously? Nothing is decided yet.

And it's only a piece
of therapy for them.

"A woman's constancy is like
the arabian Phoenix.

People have heard of it,
but no one has seen it."

You know something?
Lucy's right, Lewis.

Well, it is serious,
this thing about women. They are like that.

You're joking?
No, they are.

Emma was screwing somebody
behind my back.

Cosi fan tutte is
a valid interpretation of women.

Well, that is a very interesting point,
Nick, but in my experience,

it's usually the men that have the difficulty
maintaining... you've led a sheltered life.

This is a difficult project. I'm trying to act
as though it's not my first time directing.

Look, directing's simple. Well,
you'd know, Nick.

Look, the rule is this: All actors are mad,
even the mad ones.

The crucial key is to find out
what sort of animal the actor is.

Are they a bird? A dog?
A tiger?

Because people are
finally animals.

Once you find the animal
of the character,

you're more than halfway there.

Settle down, everyone.

I'll play the main part,
guglielmo.

Typecasting, really.

And Ruth is dorabella. The definite,
if not definitive, dorabella.

Don't you think, Jerry?

And Henry... well, Don Alfonso,
obviously.

- Errol?
- Sounds great, Roy.

Of course, it's great. Don't you worry
about Henry. He's the perfect Don Alfonso.

Henry used to be a lawyer.
They're all cynical like Don Alfonso.

Roy. My god,
who's gonna paint the backdrops?

Roy! We gotta get
occupational therapy...

To stop making those baskets and
get working right away. Roy. Roy.

And the posters.
Roy!

That's the name, Jerry.

Roy, no one can sing.
Ruth can hold a tune.

What I mean, Roy, is that
no one can sing opera.

We certainly did get out on the wrong side
of the bed this morning, didn't we, Jerry?

Plus, the opera is in Italian.

That is an incredible burden,

Even for the most
brilliant talent.

I aim for the stars, Jerry. Is that such
a bad thing? No, I like your enthusiasm.

Then let's aim for the stars!

Be inspired.

I want what Roy's on.

Maybe we should do another play?

Hey, let's do cats in the nude!

Take your clothes off!

I've got it.
Sing it in English.

Jerry can translate the Italian.

We'll start rehearsals
immediately.

Roy, I don't think you see my
point. It would be very difficult...

To start rehearsals
immediately because...

No one here can sing this music!

Look, it's simple.

You rehearse it like a proper play,
you know? A stage play?

As you know the songs better, incorporate
them into the stage business you've learned.

Brilliant! That's exactly
what I was thinking.

I'm hungry. That'd be right, blubber-face.

Go burn a cat! Lunch!

- Whoo! Coming to eat with US, Lewis?
- In a moment.

I might just have a look at
the translation of the libretto.

Like all the best directors,
a glutton for punishment.

Couldn't direct a nymphomaniac
to a stag night.

So, you obviously think they're
quite capable of doing this.

Of course, I do, son. None of them
can sing and the orchestra is comatose.

I'm looking forward to it.

Julie, you're late. I've got to
see my shrink. Can you tell Lewis?

I'll tell him.

You're as skinny as a rake. Hah.

Here.

You're choking. Here,
here. Heimlich maneuver.

Oof! Oof!

- Get it out! You all right? You all right?
- You all right?

Sit down, sit down. You
know about Julie?

She's not coming back.

Junkies... totally unreliable.

So, the maid's
a pretty big part, is it?

Yeah. She gets to
pretend to be a doctor, a priest.

Something to extend my acting,
right?

Will outsiders see the show?

I don't know.

If it's a real large role,
I'll invite my dad.

He'll be surprised
to see me out of water.

My dad was a great duck hunter.

We were very poor,
couldn't afford a dog,

so he had to use me
to point and fetch the ducks.

Those lakes can get
pretty cold when you're...

Swimming in 'em with
a dead duck in your mouth.

Hah!
Just pulling your leg!

I sucked you right in,
didn't I? Yeah.

You know, I really like you.

Well, I better get back
to the libretto.

Got a girlfriend?
Yeah.

Hey, I believe in free love,
but it's a bit hard to practice it in here.

- Is she pretty, your girlfriend?
- Some people think so.

- You gonna marry her?
- Don't know.

Don't.

Dad said to me, you can always find
loneliness in a marriage, but never solitude.

I like my solitude.

Was she a virgin
when you first had her?

Where's the dunnies?
At the back.

Hope you fall in,
but you're too fat. Go burn a cat.

Why are they always saying that?

That's what I did.

- Burned a cat?
- Nah, cats. Me mum had five cats.

And me and mum,
we'd been having a few differences.

So one night I rounded
'em up, put 'em in a cage,

doused 'em with petrol,
then I put a match to 'em.

Funny?

Then I let 'em out the cage door,
and I let 'em run loose.

Well, boy, boy,
what a racket.

They were running around the backyard,
burning and howling.

No such thing as grace under
pressure for a burning cat, let me tell ya.

Then me mum came outside
to see what was happening.

Totally freaked out, she did.

See, I figured I'd wait a couple
of hours 'til the cats were dead...

And mum was feeling
a bit sorry for herself.

I'd go up to the front door
and I'd knock on it, and I'd say,

"hi, mum. I've come to talk
about our unresolved conflicts."

Before I know, one of those
fuckin' cats ran into the house.

In a couple of minutes,
the whole bloody house was on fire.

Within half an hour,
there was no front door to knock on.

If it wasn't for that damn cat,
I wouldn't be in here.

What's your girlfriend's
name again? Lucy.

Lucy. That's a nice name.

Bet she fucked plenty
of guys before you.

I looked in the mirror
this morning and realized...

Who I am.

I mean, how could I think...

For one moment that I am
a civil servant?

I am the king of england.

I talk to plants,

I think modern architecture
is driving US insane.

What did you think? It's
good. Still in its early days?

Yeah. We're still sort of
journeying through it, discovering it.

I just wondered if the madman
was a little over the top?

Well,
everyone's a critic. Absolutely, Nick.

What would I know?
I gotta make a phone call.

So, how is it with the,
loonies?

Yeah, it's going quite well.

Though I might still want you
to come and give me a hand.

It's a good opera
to be doing, infidelity.

Women like to pretend they
don't fool around, but they do.

They're just more secretive about
it. They don't brag like men do.

I mean, Emma. Emma was doing
it every day. Well, so were you.

Well, only after I knew. I mean,
I saw the signs... new dress.

"I have to
stay behind and work."

I bet you Lucy's doing it. Come off it,
Nick.

I'm not being personal here. It's
just an anthropological observation.

Sorry. The guy at legal aid
wants me to help him out tonight.

I better go.

Loan me a ten, Lewis?

See ya.

What?
How late will you be?

I don't know. When
we finish. Don't worry.

You are going to be a much
better director than Nick.

Don't wait up.

Ten dollars,
she's playing around. Nick.

Ten dollars.
That's my ten dollars.

Not after I've won the bet. All right,
make it fifty dollars.

All right, fifty.

Lewis.

She wants me to take her out.

I'm early.

I was told that
you weren't coming back.

Yeah, I was gonna come back yesterday
after I saw my shrink, but he was late.

They're always late.

You have a good voice.

Christ, it's hard
to get out of this place.

You been here long?
Five months.

Too long.

My parents had me committed.

I should be in drug rehab,

but, you know, the shrink said drugs
were the symptom, not the cause, so...

But cosi's great. Yeah,
I like things about love.

What does your girlfriend do?

She's a last-year law student.
She also helps out at legal aid.

Yeah, my father's
a retired lawyer.

Boy, they can find
all sorts of loopholes.

I mean, I'm a loophole.
That's why I'm in here.

You have a nice smile.

All right,
everybody. And action.

I know dorabella
is faithful and true.

There's nothing unvirtuous
you'd get her to do.

You think fiordiligi
a traitor to me?

I know I am right
and she would constant be.

Henry?
Henry, that's your cue.

A brilliant piece of casting.

Henry, don't you
want to do this?

He m-made me d-d-do this.

Why do people always
let me down?

Hey, yo,
it's a do-it-yourself lobotomy.

God knows how you can live
with yourself.

You're a failure as a lawyer.

I give you a chance at success,
but, no, you choose failure.

Roy, no one is a success
or failure in life.

Tell that to the failures
of this world.

I don't think that approach
is gonna help, Roy.

Look, I've known him for six years,
but you're the director, Jerry.

Henry, Henry,
I'd like you to stay.

Why don't you just sit down, watch
what the others are doing for a while,

and then you can join in
when you want to?

Okay, we'll go on to scene two with the girls
so that Henry can watch how the others do it.

Bravo! Masterstroke.

Roy! Couldn't direct
a rat up a drainpipe.

To reveal in darkness,

but not 'til the image
enshrined on my heart.

Then love,
it must follow that...

Ruth,
it might be good if you walked over there.

- Why?
- Well, you're thinking about your lover.

Just move your
fat ass to the other side.

But I don't have a
lover. I'll be your lover.

Ruth, you're going over there to think
about your lover. That's your motivation.

I have no lover. I don't
think you heard me.

What's over here?

Well, there's a garden, some rocks,
a cliff overlooking the sea.

- There's nothing here.
- Well, they're an illusion.

Patently.

Am I near the illusion
of the cliffs?

Do US all a favor.
Jump.

Doug! What?

How do you want me to show that
I'm thinking about my illusionary lover?

Ruth, what sort of animal
are you?

For pity's sake, Jerry!

Ruth isn't an animal. She's
a human being.

Roy's right, you know.

Look, the way I see it,
a director's like a traffic cop.

You have to direct traffic.

Ruth, now what you want to know is
how many steps you have to take, right?

Yes, that's it exactly. Now that's
a perfectly legitimate question.

Now I don't wanna teach you
to suck eggs, Jerry, but...

Well, Ruth, she's obviously
crying out for direction.

When
do I get to play the piano?

All right, Ruth, if you take four steps from
there to there, you will avoid any illusions!

You're learning, son.
thank you very much, errol!

You're welcome.

And Zac, do you remember
that we decided...

To rehearse cosi as a play
before we introduced the music?

If I took very small steps, I could
do that in eight. Or I could do it in two.

So, which do you want? Four,
eight or two? Someone strangle her!

- Can I go to the toilet?
- Go get a bedpan. - You, shut up.

- I'm not fuckin' stupid, you know.
- Hey, cow, moo.

Ruth, let's make pussy not war.

- You are an animal.
- Don't you talk to her like that.

What are you gonna do,
spit on me and give me the plague?

- Quiet!
- Without me, you are nothing.

Quiet! Seig heil!

Roy, don't worry about me. You have your
hands full just concentrating on your acting.

You... if you're a director,
Doug's Mel Gibson.

Roy, one more word outta you
and I quit.

- You're incompetent.
- That's it. I quit.

That was two words.

All right, everyone,
I'm your new director.

Lewis! Come
back! Lewis!

Mate! Lewis,
stay!

Don't go! Don't leave US with Roy!

Don't go!
Lewis!

Please!
I'll help you direct!

Come on!

Their routine's already been
disrupted enough. It's not gonna hurt.

They need to see how
others do it. It's a bad idea.

I think it's a good idea.

It's all yours, errol.

All right, everyone, out.

Come on.
Follow me.

There's a
lot of water out there.

Excuse me,
mate. Could I borrow some matches?

Here you go.

Hey, thanks.

Wait. You got my matches.

Who is this director
friend of yours? Nick ward.

And he's also acting in it?

So, he's an auteur.

Hey, hey,
what are you doing? You idiot!

Hey, up yours.

All right,
come on. Stay together. Keep up, Henry.

This row. In you go. Come on,
Roy. Piss off, mate.

You don't want to be here,
all right? Come on. In, everybody.

- Henry, come on.
- Hey, love, how's it going?

Right? Anyone out of line,
it's back to the bus.

You need a light, love?

One more word outta you, I'll rip your
fuckin' tongue out through your ass.

Sophie?

Must not have heard me.

Why do women go out in the rain?

I am lost, lost forever.

A dog was talking to me.

Am I going mad?
A dog was talking to me.

It was saying...

I've been... Very ill.

I think I'm going mad.

Dogs are talking to me.

This doesn't look like a house.
This is not the palace.

Call Princess Diana and tell her
they've taken me to the wrong place.

Please. Please. I've gone
mad. Get away from me.

You can't do that
to the king of england.

Mother!
Save your sad son!

They are ripping my
mind apart.

Save me as you would
a Romanian orphan.

I feel like
a motherless child.

Brilliant!

That's how a real director
works his magic.

Thank you.

What's all
this stuff used for?

It's useless. The
cigarette company gave it to US.

Lewis, come and look at all
these plans and designs...

That all these mad bastards
want to... what's that?

These ought to be cut up.

What would you know,
you spastic? It looks very busy.

Don't cut that...
shit!

Oops.
I'll get a tissue.

This is hopeless.
Pay attention, everyone.

We're going to be
in show business.

Now stop making those things
and start making our set,

or else it's back
to shock treatment.

You've got to have the discipline,
Julie, and the treatment will work.

Sure.

Hello, Ruth.

Doug's already up at the hall,
and cherry's on her way up there.

I just thought I'd give it a bit of
a sweep because it is so filthy.

You all right?

My husband just
didn't come and visit me today.

He's a very busy man.

You know, if you want
to cut your wrists,

you should cut up the veins,
not across.

Hello, Julie.
Hey.

Lucy!
They were my parents.

Why weren't
you at the play yesterday?

Yeah, um, I had to see my shrink,
talk about my future.

Some future.

You know, my grandmother ended
up like that... in a place like this.

What, did she go mad?
She went a little mad.

In her mind, she was living
in the year before I was born.

So she thought
that I was my father,

who had married my mother,
who was pregnant with me.

So you pretended to be your
father about to father yourself.

God, don't ever tell a psychiatrist
that one. They'd have a heart attack.

So, in a way,
you're sort of, um,

testing yourself in coming here.

I guess I am.

Casting couch.
You'll see.

He'll cut our parts
and build up hers.

What's cosi now,
a one-woman monologue?

Does your girlfriend play around? No,
no.

The opera's sort of saying that
women can't be trusted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I mean,
in a frivolous way. It's not frivolous.

I don't like
men's double standards.

Men want women to deceive them because it'll
prove their worst thoughts about women,

and they have a lot
of bad thoughts about women.

And they become so righteous,
you know, like guglielmo and ferrando.

Everyone out there
is so righteous.

I just wish he'd give her
a good poke!

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Stay back!

Henry,
what's going on? Henry!

Stay back,
stay back stay back!

It's a disaster,
a complete disaster.

Hey, fireman, I knew that wood would burn
real quick. You're finished, Mr. Riley.

Doug?
He didn't burn it down.

It was Jerry.
It was me!

Can we please...
Please, can we rethink this?

I mean, it's very important
to them. They want to do this.

That's not exactly true,
Mr. Riley.

Roy comes to my office
every afternoon complaining...

About your direction and
your obsession with this opera.

Then there's the matter of
your marriage proposal to cherry.

- I can do it without Doug.
- You may be able to. These people cannot.

These people are damaged,
Mr. Riley.

- They are not capable of doing an opera.
- They are capable.

The minister for health does not
want them to be made a laughingstock.

They are going to do
something within their range.

- Mr. Kirner, give him a break.
- Errol, I am in charge here.

I am the one who has to report
to the minister for health, not you.

He cannot control them.
Sandra can.

Sandra's gonna do something within
their reach, a variety show or whatever.

Your services are
no longer required.

I told you so. I didn't
like the look of him in the first place.

Y-y-you mean,
w-w-we won't be doing c-cosi?

I've just been sacked.

I've learned all my lines.
I've learned everyone's.

But I l-like theater.

See, even if we could do it,
we don't have the space.

I know what we could use.

They're gonna
tear it down. No one uses it.

It's such a mess.
I'm not cleaning this.

We'll all help, Ruth. We'd have
to do it in secret. We can do that.

- I could sneak in.
- It would be illegal.

It'll be like war, Henry.
We're the goodies.

And kirner and Sandra
are the baddies.

With
p-p-passwords and everything?

This is perfect. I would have
preferred something bigger though.

What about ferrando?

- Seeing as you put our ferrando in a closed ward.
- Roy, he burned down the hall.

I know Doug. He'll kill you
once he gets out of there.

Look on the bright side, cherry.
For killing an actor, he'd get life.

For killing a director,
he'll get eternal gratitude.

All right, now, just listen, everybody.
Now, everybody understands, don't they,

that you'll be doing two shows?

You'll be rehearsing Sandra's
variety show during the day,

and then at night,
cosi fan tutte secretly.

My god, I've got it.

Sometimes I'm so...
What's the word?

- Mentally ill.
- Perspicacious.

It was there right
before my eyes. You!

You'll play ferrando!

The show lives.
Cosi lives.

That's really good, Lewis.

So now you're acting in it, you're
directing it, and you're not being paid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you just
had to be there, Lucy.

Get up.

P-Password?
Lobotomy.

It's very complicated.

You have to have some faith,
Lewis, faith in your fellow man.

Yes,
but can you do it? Of course.

There's a lot of expertise
in this madhouse, you know.

See, that's where it needs to
be really... what are you doing?

What's that on your head?

M-M-My hair.

- Not you. You.
- This is our tribute.

Our south American
dance tribute.

- To whom?
- Carmen Miranda.

And when despina comes to cure the boys,
this is how she does it.

Shock treatment.
Bang! On goes the machine.

On goes the headset.

Headset goes on first.

now, cruel woman,
I understand you.

That snake, that monster and all
that's basest in the living desert.

You think I am all of those?
You robbed me of my peace.

Doug's back.

Don't be stupid, woman.
I'll fix it.

They deserved it,
didn't they, Lewis?

Who?
The men in cosi.

They test their girlfriends'
fidelity and look what happens.

Their girls fall for other
men. Lewis!

Where are you?
I've got a cake for you.

I like the
dark. Me too.

I once had a man friend who
would put me in a wardrobe...

And tie me up
so I wouldn't run away.

Four knots. I think
it was three. Lewis?

He stopped doing it because
he said he got tired of me.

So I cut the legs off all his
trousers and then he left.

- Lewis?
- Bastard.

He only wanted me for sex.

Men like sex more than women because
they don't have to clean up the mess.

Yeah, but women are god's
punishment for men playin' with themselves.

I love you, Ruth.
Creep!

Come down here. Where are you, Lewis?

You're too skinny.

I did it! I fixed it!

Leave me alone. Go ahead,
slap me.

Kiss him again and I'll
break your fucking arm.

- What are you saying?
- Stop it. Stay with me, Ruth.

Unbelievable.
Disaster. Disaster.

I just wish you had've told me.
They were really keen to meet you.

They wanted to hear about
your work with the patients.

Well, look, I'm sorry. I told you,
we are so far behind schedule.

Look, I just never see you.

Okay, Nick.
Come on, let's go.

I thought I'd stay and give
Lucy a hand. Yeah?

I've been thinking. Lucy's right about
cosi. I was blaming Emma for too much.

What's this got to do with
anything? The opera's out of date.

That's very modern of you, Nick.

My point is not about it being
out of date. No, both of you go!

Maybe I can put a different slant on it,
make it more now.

I'm really sorry.
Go.

Peter Brooks did something a
while back with the empty space.

I hear you
enjoyed your first time.

Come on, come here.

I know why you're here, Lewis.
I hope you made out your will.

Your boyfriend won't be able
to help you, Lewis.

You're mine.

Henry.
T-T-Today's p-password?

What?
P-Password?

I don't know the password.

You always tell the
director the password, you drongo.

All right,
everybody, this is Nick ward.

Now he directed and he starred
in diary of a madman.

And he's come here today to have
a look at what we've been doing...

And just give US
some of his opinions.

Maestro.
I'll get you a chair.

Thank you. All right.
Let's take it from scene two,

which is the scene where the men
have left pretending to go to war,

and fiordiligi, dorabella
are talking to despina...

About how much
they'll miss their lovers.

Let's... Julie?

Without my guglielmo,
I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando,
I think I'll Bury myself.

You might think that no woman
ever died for love.

Die for a man? Why? There's a
lot more where they came from.

Let's... let's stop there.

You've gotta move. You're
standing there like statues.

Here's this woman telling you to
go out and fuck any men you can.

And you want
to remain true to your lovers.

Now, an old-fashioned concept,
Grant you,

but you have to be
really pissed off...

When despina says there's
more where they came from.

It has to be more real
when you say,

"without my guglielmo,
I'd Bury myself."

Now the old girl is
so cynical that you girls,

although protesting your love,

move away while she is almost
whispering in your ear...

Like some tempter.

Like the very devil himself.

Brilliant! I couldn't
have put it better myself.

Are you listening
to this, Jerry?

Should we
take six or seven steps?

Seven, Ruth. Believe me,
it's better this way.

What kind of animal are you?

Brilliant! A giraffe.
She's a giraffe.

The hand gesture.

Such a cliche.
Cut it.

From the beginning.

Without my guglielmo,
I think I'd die.

Without my ferrando,
I think I'll Bury myself.

- You don't think no woman ever died for love?
- Louder!

Die for a man? Why?
There's plenty more where they came from.

Don't insult those pure men. They're
models of fidelity and perfect love.

Don't talk nonsense.
You look for fidelity in a man.

Don't make me laugh.
Their tricks are all the same.

Lies, deceptions,
crocodile tears.

All they wanna do is
hop into your pants.

And once they've had their pleasure,
they despise US.

They turn their backs on US.
They become tyrants!

And don't expect mercy
from tyrants.

We women should pay them back
in kind!

I don't agree with what
despina's saying here, of course.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.
My vision is coming alive.

This is such
misogynist shit.

The men don't
trust the women, so they trick them.

I mean, the men are going off to
war. What are the women gonna do?

Well, they're not gonna hang around like
nuns. I mean, the men could be away for years.

What's wrong with the women
having the occasional fuck? Shut up!

- Wash y-your mouth out!
- Henry.

You've got a... f-filthy mouth
and a... f-filthy mind.

You think that women sh-should
betray their... their lovers?

In the context of the men going off to war,
it isn't betrayal.

They're entitled to their fun.

Fun?

My father was a soldier.

I've got s-something to say,
Lewis. Okay.

My father was a s-soldier
and a... great man.

My mother waited for him
for years.

And when he returned,
they got married and had me.

She didn't betray him.
That's love.

You're from
a different generation.

Is this what y-you want this cosi to be
about? Women b-b-betraying their men?

Fuck me... don't swear!

Y-You want these...
W-W-Women to be whores.

Henry. Well,
he's not going to make my mother a whore?

Henry, cosi's not
a serious work.

I-I-It's a comedy.
Comedy.

A woman can remain true.
Is that a... t-t-t-tragedy?

Come on.
You!

I saw your play. You know
nothing about madness. That's it.

I'm not gonna put up with
this crap. Crap? Why, you...

All right! Henry! Henry! Lewis!

Drop him,
Henry! That's your director.

Henry!

If only your parents had forced you
to do tax law instead of criminal law,

you wouldn't be
such an emotional mess.

Mr. Ward,
you were brilliant!

How about you and I do cosi fan tutte,
and we get rid of Jerry?

Listen, you wacko. Not only
is the opera a piece of shit,

but it's way beyond
what any of you people can do.

It'll be a disaster.
And you!

You need all the shock
treatment you can get!

Come on. Let's go back inside.
You're a failure. You both are.

Why am I a failure, Roy? You
and that idiot director friend of yours.

What would you both know
about the torments of genius?

That's it.
I'm not doing cosi.

But you wanna do it.

Why?

Well, it's wonderful.

It's about people, love.
Love?

Music... is what love
between humans should be,

and we've thrown out the music.

I had a dream, Jerry,
and it's fading.

You're a failure.
You're even worse than Henry.

What was your dream, Roy?

Music. Colorful costumes.

Joie de vivre.

A world that was like
my childhood.

The tea parties.

The dances in our ballroom.

And my beautiful mother.

She's flirting with the men.

And she's waving her fan so fast,
it was just like a blur.

Mozart was being played
on the piano.

That's the world I wanted
cosi fan tutte to capture.

To recapture.

I wanted it to be beautiful.

It was supposed to make US
forget this place.

Cosi fan tutte's gone.

The music too.

Roy, I think we can have
some of Mozart's music in it.

Do you think so?
Yes.

Just leave it to me, okay?

Can I trust that you're not
gonna let me down again?

Roy.

All right, I'll give you
one more chance.

Nick? Nick!

Nick?

Hello!
Is anyone home?

Hey, it's not the end of
the world!

I mean, there
are pigs everywhere.

Yeah, I thought this one might
like to be by the fire. Who are you?

It's a sure sign when there are pigs
everywhere that the apocalypse is upon US.

That's what me mum said.
Lucy!

Nick, in here.

Hey, how are ya? Hey,
you share with Lewis?

Who are you? And
you take turns with Lucy.

I want you out of here. I saw
your production in the park.

- I don't mean to be critical, but your direction sucks.
- I wonder if you could go?

But I just got here. What
are the lights doing off?

Good evenin'.

How did you escape
from closed ward?

Lewis, who is he? I found a friend
on the way here. Lucy said I could stay.

I did not! Lewis,
who is this man? Doug's a patient.

How'd you find this
place? Roy told me.

Roy.
Call the police!

- I don't want any advice from you. Why are you here?
- I've come to kill you.

God!
Jesus.

Yes? And why's that? You took
my part in cosi. Can I have it back?

- Cosi?
- You can't kid me!

I know everything
that goes on in that asylum.

What are you looking at,
fuckin' bug eyes? I want him out of here!

And what I
don't understand, Lewis,

is that you've been shagging Julie, and
yet your girlfriend's really attractive.

Stop it, Doug. It's amazing. Every
fellow in the hospital wants her.

He's the only one she goes for.

You're screwing a
mental patient? Yeah.

Don't be ridiculous! I can
understand your inner pain, Lucy.

Julie's a loony and a
junkie. I don't believe it.

And, Nicky, he does an opera about
infidelity, and he practices what he preaches.

Lewis... shut up,
everyone! Just shut up!

Now listen, you. If I take you back, you're
gonna tell 'em about cosi, aren't you?

- Well, pardon me for living.
- What the hell is going on?

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll
stay here 'til the show's open.

- They won't know I'm here, and you won't get the blame.
- Lewis!

Hey, Lewis. Hey, we got
anything for dinner?

Hey, we could set
fire to the pig here, have roast pork.

He is stark raving mad!

Hey, let's not play fast and
loose with categories here, luce.

I'm gonna call the asylum. N-No,
don't call the asylum!

If you call the asylum, he's gonna
tell kirner, then they'll stop the play.

Well, fuck the play!
Yeah, fuck the play.

Shut up, Doug! Just shut up!
great, mate. Go on.

Hit a mental patient. You're losing it,
Lewis.

Yeah, I'm with you then, Nick.
See? We're already bonding.

Hey,
meet your new flatmate.

Now we can all share you, luce.

Let go of me
arm. I'm not your boyfriend.

Shut up! Hey,
I'm not going back to the closed ward.

You're gonna go back, and you're gonna tell
them nothing! Don't threaten me, wanker!

Lewis! What?

This pig belongs at the slaughterhouse.
Just shut up and stop here.

God!

You can't make me do anything,
fascist!

Hey,
would you let me go! Hey!

No, I ain't doin' it,
mate! Get off me! Hey!

Shut up. Shut up.
Wait here. Hey!

I'm not going back!
I'm a free man!

Shoo! Out!

Oy, let go of me!

Wait! Fuckin' bastard.

Hey, Nick! Nick!

Hey! Let go!

Just settle down, or you'll be
staying in the closed ward for months.

Lemme go, ya poofter!
Shut up!

What's going on here?
Who are you?

Take care of him. Here. Christ almighty,
will you stop it, Doug!

What? Can you take
care of my mad brother?

I'm not the mad one!
He's the mad one!

Put him in the closed ward. He's
been indulging in satanic rituals again.

- Come on, Doug.
- He's... no!

He'll struggle and he'll lie,
but pay no attention. He's a psychopath.

It's not me! He's the
mad one! No! Come on!

Look, I'm Lewis Riley! I used
to work here! Hey, see ya, Doug!

- He's the mad one! Let go!
- Thought I might go home and shag the missus.

I'm not mad! He's the mad
one! Give US a hand here!

No! No!

Yeah,
yeah. It's all right.

Let go! Let go! No!

No! No!
Pull his pants down.

Comfy, Doug?

Wakey, wakey, son.

Hey! What's Doug
doing out of closed ward?

That's Doug in there.

Yeah.

Is your name Doug,
too, then?

What happened, son?

Doug came to my place
last night.

Maybe I should call
the hospital.

He could be somewhere else.
look who's here.

Where have you been?
I've been locked up with the loonies.

Well, i'm not surprised!
Thanks for stickin' around!

You all right?

No, I'm not all right. This is out of
control, Lewis. I think you should give it up.

You want me
to give it up now?

A madman was here. I was in the bath.
Admit it. Anything could've happened.

But it didn't. He was fuckin'
throwing matches around!

The guy was a psychopath. Yeah,
you could be right about that.

Are you drunk or
something? Lucy...

I'm just lucky Nick was here!

When you finally come home, you just
start babbling about that fucking opera!

You sounded as mad as he is. In fact,
hey, maybe it runs in the family.

You are as compassionate
as he is brave.

Thanks for that insight, Lewis.

Yeah, pleasure! Let me know if
there's anything else I can do for you.

Bring this up.

Make sure it's tight and secure.

Here is the poster. Zac,
cosi is supposed to be a secret!

Is this the only one?
Absolutely.

Chop-chop!

Come on. Lewis!

What's that? The
o-two patients did it.

Is this another one
of your concepts?

Yes, that's my concept.

Why don't you just drive a stake
through my heart?

Lewis, her husband's left her;

went to Brisbane with his lover.

Are you gonna cut
up the veins or across?

Well, are they gonna build a new
g-ward? What about the patients?

Halfway houses and the like.
You should know, errol.

There's a whole new emphasis on community
care. Halfway houses, community care.

Come on. You mean the government cuts
the cost and Chucks them on the street.

Errol. Errol, don't make the mistake
of ending up on the streets with them.

Is that Henry? Henry?

Q-Quick.

Henry!

What is going on here?

Errol, do you know
what's going on here?

It's a surprise,
Mr. Kirner.

These patients have given up
their TV viewing time...

To get the old laundry in
shape for the variety show.

Occupational therapy would have been a bit
crowded for the minister and his guests.

It was going... to be a surprise for you,
Mr. Kirner.

Henry, sing a Bee Gees medley
for Mr. Kirner.

on the night,
Henry. Thank you. On the night.

Well. Whoopee.

Keep up the good work.

Hello.

Don't you look great.
But don't you think...

Don't you think you might be a
little overdressed for the show?

I'm not going to the show.

But tonight's
the only night for cosi.

You don't need me there.
It's your night.

I'm going to the legal aid ball.

What, alone?

No. No, i'm... I'm going with Nick.
He's my handbag for the evening.

You're going with Nick? Yeah.

Are you sleeping with him?

You sound like something out of a
French farce. Are you sleeping with him?

How dare you? I'm not
even going to answer that.

'Cause you hate the guy.
You think he's a fool, don't you?

This isn't about him. It's about you,
Lewis. You've changed.

Yes, I have.
Yes, you have.

Because I'm finally doing
something that's important to me.

You are doing a stupid,
reactionary opera with a bunch of lunatics!

Don't blame it on the opera! At
least it's about something important,

like love and fidelity.

Yeah, after bread, shelter, procreation
and quality health... yes, yes, yes, yes...

Not to mention trust...
Of course.

Comes something like fidelity.

I'm late.

That's what I love about you lawyers.
You think you can rationalize anything.

Well, I think we
should have a break.

Yes, well, you would,
wouldn't you?

Well, here.
Give this to Nick.

It's 50 bucks?

He'll know what it's for.

No.
Why not?

Because it's Wagner.
We're doing Mozart.

Wimpy, bloody, fuckin' Mozart!

It's too late anyway.
Everything is set.

But all I get to do
is turn on the record player.

Zac!

Look what I found,
Jerry. I got all of them, I think.

Need a hand?
Yeah.

Would you mind handing out
those to people when they come in?

No problem.
Thanks, errol.

I promise I'll be on top of it. I
purposely didn't take my medication...

A-all right, Zac! You can play
your Wagner... In the encore.

That's just great.

Okay, I want everyone
to come up onstage...

And get the feel of it, see where
everything is and check your props.

Next year we'll do m-m-Macbeth.

You... you...
Demon!

You've mentioned
the Scottish play.

You have cursed.

Run around the theater
three times.

Three times? It's the only
way to break the curse.

Go, or else we're all doomed!

Doomed!

Gone. I've lost 'em all.

Lewis!
What?

Lewis! Look.
What?

I've invented my own gesture.

I've invented...
An original gesture.

There's a friend
of yours waiting outside.

What is it, Nick?
What do you want?

I came to wish you the best for
tonight. I thought you might like a hand.

I thought you'd be at
the ball with Lucy. Henry!

I-I was. She asked me
about the $50.

Women,
No sense of humor.

We're both in the shit now.
Here's your money. I don't want it.

Look, take it. Women shouldn't come
between mates. You're not my mate.

Roy's just gone back to his
ward. He was in some sort of panic.

Lewis, look.

I-I didn't have sex with Lucy.

I wanted to.
I tried.

M-Maybe... maybe she's gay.

Henry, what are you doing? The
audience is going to be arriving soon.

I'm breaking a curse.

Roy's gone back to his ward. Is it because
his parents are coming or something?

He doesn't have any.
He's... never had a family.

His mother put him in an
orphanage when he was born.

He was f-f-fostered out
when he was young,

but nobody liked him
'cause he was t-t-too loony,

so he spent m-most
of his life...

In... institutions.

H-H-His stories
are great, though?

Come on. Let's,
let's, let's spend it.

I mean, we'll buy some drinks.
We'll work on a show together.

We're friends. You're not
my friend. You're a parasite.

I want you out of the house
before I get home tonight.

And you're
a shit-ass director.

You don't deserve Lewis
as a friend.

He needs all the love
he can get.

- And I'm just the woman who'll give it to him.
- Good.

Roy.

Roy. Roy!

What?

Look, I know you've got stage fright. No,
I haven't.

You're mad. It's okay. It's okay,
because I've got it too.

I have not got stage fright.

Well, the cast are waiting, Roy.

I can't remember
my lines, not one.

You must've gone
through this before.

You've never acted before?

I used to be
a stage electrician...

Before I got sick.

I always wanted to be onstage.

Do it without me. I'll only let
you down. I can't do it without you!

I'll let you all down. I can't
remember any of my lines!

All right.
I'll whisper them to you.

Roy, do you remember
when you told me...

About the world
of your childhood?

The ballroom dancing and the
Mozart. That was such a beautiful vision.

It's kept me going.

I didn't like cosi fan tutte
at first, Roy,

but... you've taught me
to love it.

And I love it
with all of my heart,

because it makes love the
most beautiful and foolish thing.

And as you and I know, Roy,

there's not a lot of real
love out there in the world.

But the great thing about being
in cosi is being able to believe...

For just two hours...

That real love between people
is possible.

You've taught me a lot, Roy.

Everyone will be staring at me.

If they weren't staring at you,
I would be worried.

I suppose you're right in a way.

It's only natural everyone would be
staring at me all night and not at you.

Absolutely.

I'm back!

Move along.
This is reserved for the minister.

This way. Don't you look nice. Yeah,
that one. Thank you.

Did you walk into a door, love?

Sit down.

Here. Take two. Okay,
just sit in your seat.

The name's Bernard Goldman,
theater entrepreneur.

Hey, I've been looking for you.
I wanted to wish you good luck.

Look, about the other night...

It's all right.

Sometimes people do
strange things in the dark.

Come on! This is
it!

Come on, lads. Read those
lists and don't boggle things up.

Come on. Hurry up!
Vamoose!

Yeah,
yeah, Ruth, okay!

The sugar's in the tin... this is what
you're wearing for the supremes medley?

Henry's sweating
like a pig, Jerry.

Lewis?

Well, what the fuck is going on?

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight is very special.

In our audience we have
the minister of health...

And Mr. Kirner,
our wonderful administrator,

and many
mentally impaired people.

Hey, hey!

What you're about to see...
Is the result...

Zac, get ready with the music.

Okay, everybody, we're going on.

But also on the part of my wonderful
clients from occupational therapy.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
as they say in show biz,

let's hit it.

Boo! Boo!

Calm down.
Coffee!

Coffee!

I know my dorabella
is faithful and true,

and there's nothing unvirtuous
you'd get her to do.

You think fiordiligi
a traitor to me?

I know I am right,
and she would constant be.

Excuse me. Excuse
me. Coffee!

I... speak
with experience.

I... know
what I'm saying.

- But let's... e-end this argument y-y-you'll never see.
- Come on, come on.

We'll not let you tarnish
the names of our sweethearts.

We want you to give US some proof,
or else off you go.

You two boys are... n-naive.

Women are n-never true.

You will...
Lose your wager.

Coffee!

A-Aah! Aaah!

I see the last detachment
has embarked on the galley...

To take the tardy few who dally.

My life.
My own angel!

My love! My
darling! Give me one look to treasure!

- My darling, write me often.
- No, write me often.

- Back to your work, despina.
- Fuck off.

Yes, no doubt my complying.

With l-laughter
I am... d-d-dying.

Lewis! Lewis!

You'll sink the boat, despina.

Farewell, my love!

Farewell, my love!

What torture racks our hearts!

No,
what torture racks our hearts!

And then at the finale,
fuckin' bingo!

In my society, dismiss anxiety.

How strange his action.

Leave apprehension
and give attention to me!

Jesus.

My blood runs cold.
I feel faint.

O holy mother, I am weak.

Okay, let's hit it.

They are stupefied!

What do we say? Get
off. Clumsy junkie. I'll get it.

I cannot bear this torment.

This is the man who deceived US.

- W-Where's my music?
- Where's Zac?

Somebody faint.
Henry, faint.

I'll g-get my c-costume dirty.

Ferrando!

Keep
going. Keep going.

- You see what your infidelity has done...
- Magic, yeah.

To me!

Pass them along.
Pass them along.

Light them up. Come on,
everybody.

Do something.

Sing, Henry. Sing.

J-j-Julie.

Can you pass one?

Be careful.

Later,
later. Sorry. Through here, minister.

Lewis. Lewis.

Congratulations.
Congratulations. It was wonderful.

I'm sure once you get out of here,
you can easily get a job in the theater.

Well done.
Mr. Minister.

Lewis,
this is Bernie. That was brilliant!

Brilliant! I want to tour
it. It's going to be a hit.

I haven't seen anything
like it since south pacific.

I'm going to give you an advance. In fact,
I brought my checkbook with me.

I guess some of
my advice rubbed off.

Bernie, back to your ward.
What about the rights to the show?

Back to your ward, Bernie.

Hey, everybody said
it was f-f-fantastic.

It was fantastic.
Yeah.

Jerry! I did it!
I did it!

Yes, you did it,
Roy. You did it. Lewis.

Here's a love letter.

There'll be plenty more where that came
from because Doug gave me your address.

Ha!

Jerry, my boy,

I got a present for ya.

Roy. You got a few teething
problems with your direction.

I made out a list of 'em.

I know you can take criticism,
because you must get a lot of it.

Thank you, Roy.

Next year, Jerry,
a greater triumph awaits US.

The Don!
The Don?

Don Giovanni.

It's time for me to go beyond
these ensemble pieces.

It's time for a lead role!
Humility can limit ya. Yes.

I was once a lady-killer
in my day, Jerry.

Literally.

We should've been
back in our wards 47 minutes ago.

You did well.

Of course,
after tonight I'll have to consider...

Very carefully whether
you can handle a major part.

I made a list of all
your faux pas tonight.

Henry.

Henry!

I thought your direction was
lousy until I saw your acting.

Hey, Doug, go burn a cat.

Who writes your dialogue?
Oscar wilde?

Gonna burn down
the old laundry next.

My motto is
"to try and try again,"

'cause my mother instilled in me
a protestant work ethic.

I'll give you
some friendly advice, Lewis!

Don't ever, ever get a cat!

Lewis?

Kirner just told me that
I'm gonna leave this place.

I'm a bit scared.

Isn't that what you wanted?

There are a lot
of temptations out there.

Well, I could help you,
if you like. I'd like to stay friends.

I'd like that.

Think they're gonna get
a Mozart finale.

hey, then, let's kick some ass!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the moment you've all
been waiting for: Wagner.