Cooties (2014) - full transcript

Shh.

It's a beautiful
summer day in Chicago today.

Temperatures expected
to reach the upper eighties.

In recent news, a health advisory was
reported from Happy Poultry Farms.

Now they're telling us that
they're issuing a full recall

for their pre-cooked chicken tenders
and also their buffalo chicken tenders.

Now, this only applies to the chicken
that was packaged on Friday

and delivered to suburbs such as
Fort Chicken and Danville.

Happy poultry advises...
- Morning, honey. - Ahem.

Rise and shine.

- Morning, Mom.
- How's the book going?



Good. I've been working
really hard on it...

rewriting it. It's a first draft,
you know. Did you get a chance to

- read the manuscript?
- I did and I loved it.

- Oh, well, any thoughts? Criticisms?
- No, I thought it was wonderful.

I'm not gonna become a better writer if
I don't get constructive criticism. Please.

- I'm begging you.
- Well, um...

I did think the characters
were a tiny bit unlikable.

- That's more like it. Noted.
- And it was a little slow.

I found myself a little bored,
to be honest.

- And I heart honesty.
- I also didn't know what was going on

or where we were.
It wasn't explained very well.

Frankly I couldn't figure out the plot.
It was kind of insulting,

and there was no specificity in the writing
in terms of time and place. - Okay.

- And where was the inciting incident?
- Okay, okay, this is... this is... wow!



Thank you, heh.

But mostly I loved it.

Now, get on up and teach those summer
school kids how to write like you.

Chapter one: The boat was evil,
but he loved the boat.

Chapter one: The boat was evil,
but he didn't know just how evil.

The boat was evil,

but it was an acceptable level of evil.

Chapter one: The sea-faring vessel,
the schooner, was evil.

Ah. It's getting there.

Jesus. I've come full circle.
How very, very utterly depressing.

What's up, amigo? Hey.

- You're not my dealer.
- No. No, I'm... I'm Clint...

- Hey, you don't sell 'shrooms do ya?
- No, um, I'm Clint Hadson.

Is that Hudson?

- Hadson.
- Yeah, it's him. I'll let him in.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. So that's a no on the 'shrooms?
- Right.

Excuse me!

I'm... I'm having trouble...

Don't you forget, mister, you're grounded.

And when school's over,
you come straight home.

- Fuck you, mom.
- Oh, yeah? Fuck you!

- I'm just gonna miss you so much.
- Can't I take it off?

No, the playground is a war zone.

- Watch it!
- Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Well, maybe you should take in
your surroundings more.

Yeah.

- Mr. Hudson!
- Hadson.

- Hi, uh, call me Clint.
- Righteous.

Thanks so much for coming
in on such short notice.

Looks like Mrs. Kenner is down with
the stomach flu, or maybe she's pregnant,

Because she is mormon,
so that's always a possibility.

I'm vice principal Simms.
Principal Hodges is in the Bahamas.

You know what they say...
When the cat's away,

the vice principal
becomes acting principal.

Yeah, I forgot they say that.

Teachers' lounge is just across the way.

So go get yourself a nice hot cup of joe.
Although, it's not strong enough for my taste.

To deal with these terrors, I need the
high-octane stuff. Isn't that right Mrs. Gordon?

Heh, she's hilarious.
A lot of personal tragedy.

Come on into this office.
Pull up a ball chair.

Got a cell phone?

Um, yeah.

- Afraid, I'm gonna have to take it.
- Are you serious?

Yep. This is a no cell-phone campus.
And we can't ask the kids to give up

something we're not willing to do.
So hand over that crackberry.

A-booyah. Now, I gotta warn you,
I run a pretty tight ship.

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Heh, actually, it's... it's funny you should say that.
I'm actually writing a book about a ship.

Well, it's more of a boat.
I have it with me.

If you're asking me to describe
my pedagogical "philosophy"...

- I'm not.
- There are some charter schools out of Boston

that are "absolutely" "revolutionising"
education.

I'm not sure you know
how air quotes work.

I wanna bring these kids back
to a pre-digital era.

No cell phones, and I don't care
if it's raining labradoodles,

I wanna get those kids outside
during recess.

Heck, I'll lock 'em out.
And I will do that.

Now, here's a map of the school.
Mrs. Kenner is in Room 12.

Oh, I don't need that.
I actually used to go here. Class of '88.

Hey, you know what that is?
That's out of sight.

- All right.
- Shouldn't joke about guns, though.

- No.
- Not in a school.

- Yeah.
- That's not funny.

Yeah, my partners' name is David.
He is awesome.

He's a little bit older,
but weirdly has this amazing body.

If I'm being completely honest,

he does have these fantastic balls
that I just love to play with.

They're firmer and fuzzier, so...

Heh, tennis partner.
Heh, Dave is my tennis partner. Huh.

Hi, there. Um, you know which
one of these is Mrs. Kenners'?

Buddy, I don't know
what that bitch drinks out of.

Here's what I do know.
I know that this is a rape button.

It emits a shit-crazy alarm
that'll inform local police,

who'll arrive within two minutes should
you decide to get touchy and/or feely.

Wanna know why I have a rape button?
Don't answer. I want to tell you.

Because the government of the State of Illinois
doesn't trust the citizenry enough

to pass safe, sensible
conceal and carry laws.

Okay.

So any of these then?

Hmm, she's a little tightly wound, huh?

Oh, my God.

Lucy? Lucy McCormick?

- It... it... it's Clint Hadson.
- Oh, my God!

- Wow, what are you doing here?
- Well, I'm subbing for Mrs. Kenner.

Oh, my God, amazing.

I heard you lived in New York.

Yeah, I did. In Brooklyn.

But now I'm in town for a while,
staying at Charmans'.

Oh.

- Who's Charman?
- My mom.

- Ah!
- But it's like a guesthouse, so it's...

So you're a teacher now?

No. Well, I mean, yes.

I, uh, I ended up subbing a little in New York,
but really I'm a writer.

- That's great.
- Oh, well... Yeah.

God, it's a scorcher out there, huh?

Unseasonably warm.

Yeah.

Uh, Wade, have you met Clint?

I have not. Wade Johnson. Pleased
to meet you with meat to please you.

Actually, we kinda met earlier.
You parked me in.

- What are you talking about?
- Nothing. It's... It's fine.

It's just that, um, you parked so close
that I-I couldn't get out of my car.

My trucks' got a dual real wheel.

- I'm sorry?
- Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Dual real...

Dual real real. Dual real...

Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Real real.

It's got a dual real wheel.
Dual real wheel. Dual real...

- Dual real.
- I don't understand.

It's got two extra wheels
on the back part of it.

- Ah.
- Dual rear...

So, Clint, heard tell you were a writer,
hmm?

- What have you written?
- Ah, nothing that you've read, yet.

I'm actually working on
my first novel.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, that's actually
why I'm home.

You know, just to hunker down
and bang out that story.

But, uh, I need a few shekels.

Shekels.

- Hebrew for...
- Doug.

...currency. Yeah. Okay.

- Wow, good for you. That's so exciting!
- Oh, thanks.

What's it about?

Oh, uh, well,
it's... it's a horror novel.

Um, it... it's about a guy who buys a boat,

but the boat turns out
to be possessed.

Like Christine.

- I'm sorry?
- Christine by Stephen King.

- The guy buys a car and it's possessed.
- Oh.

- Um... But... but this is about a boat.
- So it's like Speed 2?

Starring...?

Sandra Bullock, yes, of course, and...?

- Keanu Reeves?
- Jason Patric! - Right.

- I am the biggest Jason Patric fan.
- Jason Patric, heh.

- Oh, Lost Boys! Kiefer.
- "They're not lost, they're vampires."

- Yeah, they got lost...
- All right, let's roll!

Your classroom is actually right next
to mine. I can walk you if you want.

Oh, um, yeah. That would be great.

You are so fuckin' ugly.

If my butthole had a butthole,
that's what you'd look like.

Yeah, you look like my buttholes' ass.

You look like you got chicken pox.

If chicken pox was made out
of haemorrhoids.

Yeah, if chicken pox
was made out of my ass.

And here we are.
Fourth grade, that's me, heh.

And you're right up there. Good luck.
Holler if you need anything.

Or you can ask Wade.
The athletic office is right down there.

Yeah, what's with that guy?
He seems like a bit of a dick.

Heh. He's my boyfriend.

Sorry, I'm late guys.
I was helping a friend out.

Eric, what is that?
You just put that right down now.

Hey, did somebody order a sub?

Ooh, tough crowd, heh.

My Uncles' cancer

took his stomach.

But his divorce

took his mind.

Anyhoo...

That was my weekend.
Let's begin, class.

Maybe we were created
by an all-knowing God

who sent down his only son
to die for us,

or maybe we were monkey people
who sat around

crappin' in each other's mouths
until one day we were like:

"I don't like all this hair.
Just on my head and crotch, please."

Who can say?

I can't, because the State of Illinois
doesn't allow me to, Hank.

I know I'm the substitute,
but I'm also a friend.

It wasn't so long ago that
I was sitting exactly where you are.

In fact,
don't tell those other teachers',

but I want you to call me
by my first name.

- "Cunt"?
- What?

No, you... you can't say...

Okay, no, uh, my name is Clint.

You know what?
Just call me Mr. Hadson.

Now, I'm not really a teacher.
I'm only substituting to pay the bills.

I'm actually writing a horror novel.
Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, real cool, asshole.

- Excuse me? What's your name?
- Patriot.

- He got held back.
- Shut up!

Your name is Patriot?

That's right.

I was born on September 11th.

God sent me on that day.

That's why, on my 18th birthday,

I'm joining the Marines,
just to kick some towel-head ass.

Wow, a lot to unpack there.

First off, could you keep
the language down, please, Patriot?

Otherwise, I'll send you outside.

Yeah, while you were just talking,
I just looked at, like, a hundred vaginas.

- All right. Give me that.
- Why?

Because you're not allowed to have it.
Your principal told me.

How about I start crying
and then suggest to my parents

about how you touched me
inappropriately?

Wait. You didn't happen to write something
on a Prius this morning, did you?

Okay, so I actually have the first
draft of my new novel with me.

Who would like to come up here
and read the first chapter aloud?

And then you guys can
give me some notes.

- Great. What's your name?
- Ahem. Douche.

- Calvin.
- Calvin, come on down.

Go ahead.

"Chapter one: Trent always loved boats,
but when he spent his life savings

on the Anna Marie, he didn't know
he just chartered a course to evil.

It was an easy money transaction..."

You'd be good in a horror novel.
"And didn't ask any questions..."

Hey.

You listening to me?

Ow!

All right, everyone, calm down.
Stay here.

I'm gonna take Patriot to the nurses' office.
Come on. Come on.

Don't be a baby.

Come on, Patriot. Let me see.
Come on.

This is going to need stitches.
There's nothing I can do about it here.

- He's gonna have to go to the hospital.
- That's okay.

Patriot can handle it.

Right, Patriot? You're a Marine.

Beautiful, beautiful 'shrooms.

So one of my students tried
to eat another one's face off.

How's your day going?
I'm... I'm really sorry about this morning.

- What happened?
- Uh, when I called your boyfriend a dick.

I didn't know you guys were dating
and... and now I feel really awkward.

No, in your classroom.
What happened?

Oh, this girl just went ape-shit on this kid.
She was biting him.

- I had to send him to the nurse.
- Did you send her to the principals' office?

Are you kidding? I wanted to give
her a high-five. That kid was a dick.

Hey!

You bit my friends' face.

What, are you sick or something?

Hey, you bitch!

I just wanted to say to them, like,

"Guys, I'm a writer
who moved here from New York City.

Like, I'm way cooler than
your regular teacher."

- This day could've been super fun.
- Kids are always rough on subs.

Yeah, but this is different from
what we were like growing up.

They're, like, not even kids.

The fuck?

He can't be that funny.

So single. Ooh-la-la.

Yeah, I'm such a catch.

Oh, you... You'll be beating off the women
in Fort Chicken.

Oh, yeah. Fort Chicken girls.

Oh, yeah, the hottest!

What is happening here, kids?

Goddamn it!

What is wrong with me?

Oh, no, you didn't.

Vice Principal Simms?

Yeah, you're go for Simms.

I'm under some

medication for a medical condition

so I may not be seeing things
correctly,

but I'm pretty sure I might be seeing
some of your students

possibly eating Mr. Peterson.

Again, it could be the medication.

Okay, all right. Show's over!

Hey, I may be acting principal,
but you all are acting crazy!

Hey, don't... don't...

I have bursitis.
I have bursitis in my elbow.

Who...? Who is your homeroom?

Get... get out of there!

- It's so good to see you Clint.
- It's good to see you too.

Oh, look, carnage.

- Some... somebody call the police!
- Wait! I'm hitting my button!

Come on, Johnson!
What the fuck is happening?

What the fuck is happening?

Wait, there's Wade. Wade.

Oh, God.

All right, listen up!

I'd back off if I was you!

I was an all-state football champion,
y'all are a bunch of kids.

Look, we've all wanted to do that
to Vice Principal Simms, okay?

I know I have.

But a...

a line has been crossed.

You can't eat the teachers', man!

Calm down right now!

Come on, Johnson!

Run, Johnson.

You can do... no, no.
Aah!

They... they attacked the vice principal.

Ma'am... Ma'am, you need to calm down.

And then they started chasing the...
Hello? Hello?

The phones are dead.

- Aah!
- Oh, those kids are fast.

I was twice voted running back
of the year,

Cary County,
I should have won a third year...

but it was political...

- What the fuck are you trying to say?
- Do not go out there! Those kids... aah!

- Oh, God!
- Oh, no, no, no, no. It's Angela.

Hi, Angela. It's me, Mr. Lacey.

- Ugh.
- Oh, there's Dave! Daves' coming!

See, everything's gonna be fine!

Ooh Shit, man. Five-o!

Fuck it. I ain't goin' down!

All right, kids, settle down.

You little guys need to tell me
what's going on.

You guys all eat cherry pie for lunch
or something? What's going on?

I'm here to help. Think of me
just like Batman. I'm a helper.

What the fuck?!

- Fuck this! I gotta do something!
- No Wade! You can't go back out there!

- No! Let me alone!
- Wade?

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

What the fuck, freak?

- He's gonna bite into your face!
- Yes, I can see that!

He'll tear your goddamn face off!
You'll look like that chimp woman!

You're achieving nothing!

- Help me!
- Let me burn his face!

Who is that lady?

- Anybody have a key?
- Probably not.

- Let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- We can't just leave her there.
- You bet your ass we are! Come on.

Move! Move!

Come on.

Come on, we gotta get out of here!
Follow me, I do CrossFit!

- No! Don't do it!
- You sons of bitches.

Fuck.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Wade! What...?

Right in here!
In here!

- Kill him! I hate it! Kill him!
- No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! He's not like the others.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause you're
the only black student in this school.

- Our differences are what makes life beautiful.
- What's going on?

- Kill him!
- No! Wait! Tracys' right.

Calvin, are you okay? You don't have
a thirst for blood or anything?

Why would I do that?
I'm studying for my english test.

- Oh, great. How's it going?
- Okay, fuck the test.

- We gotta seek out some higher ground.
- Okay, come on, Calvin.

Come, you come with us.

We're clear! In here, come on!

- Come on. Come on.
- Close the door! Close the door!

- Close the door! Get it! Get in!
- Okay, all right.

- Hey, hey. Is everyone okay? Huh?
- I think so. Yes.

- Are you okay?
- Can we please take a moment of sil... aah!

- Get in here. Come on! Come on!
- Calvin, don't look! Don't look! Don't look!

She has blisters.

Okay, I think we're safe. The door is locked.
They cannot get up through these windows.

The phone's out in here too.

Can somebody please explain to me
what the hell is going on? What is going on?!

I blame rap music.

I mean, I hated my teachers' in school. I hated them,
but I never tried to kill them.

- They got cooties.
- What?

That's what they're always saying that
girl Shelly has. Cooties. She's dirty.

- Calvin, that's not very nice.
- No, he's right.

In a... in a... in a way.
If you'll follow me, you'll see...

- Wade, you're not hurt, are you?
- No, babe, I'm good.

...she has the raised blisters of a vi...

a virus.

I'm okay. We're safe here, right?

Everybody feels okay?
And we're all safe.

It's pretty interesting actually.

I knew we'd work it all out, heh.

I would love to get inside your head.

Oh.

Guess she's gone to commit murder
somewhere else.

All right, ladies, here's the plan.

We get down on that ledge,
jump to the ground,

hightail it like linebackers
to our cars, boom!

What? I thought you just
tried to outrun them.

- You... you said they were too fast for you.
- Yeah, but that was before

I had a weapon.

A violin?

Not just a violin,
it's an instrument of death.

I propose we create
a symphony of death.

Everyone, grab an instrument.
Here, you take this.

- Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective.
- I'm offering leadership.

What are you offering, besides
throwing hot pots of coffee at people,

or writing a stupid book that no one wants
to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat?

Wait, it's not about a guy
who wants to fuck a boat.

- It's a book about obsession and possession on the high seas.
- He wants to fuck the boat and you know it.

- Listen...
- Listen, little Stevie King...

There's an invention called a cell phone
that your stupid, stupid school confiscated.

We need to get to the principals' office,
grab our phones

and call someone who can help
quarantine these kids.

We're in a total lockdown,
in case you haven't noticed!

We have been breached, and there are
little cootie kids right out there in the hallway

who are willing to fuckin' rip your face off
with their little teeth!

- Well, shit!...
- With their baby teeth. Their big teeth haven't even come in yet!

You know what, you carry on
with your symphony of death.

I'll sneak around the school
where there aren't any kids.

Oh, you'll sneak around, huh?
Sneak around like a little hobbit.

No way. I'm takin' the fight to them
like a fuckin' orc.

And that is the difference
between you and me.

I don't wanna scurry... oh, really?
I don't wanna scurry around the hallway like a common squirrel.

Stop it! Both of you be quiet!
The only way we're gonna get anywhere

is if we turn our frowns upside down
and try to get along. Okay?

You know how I beat
the terrorists after 9/11?

- With a positive attitude.
- It's true, she did.

Now, I-I don't think going back for our
cell phones is necessarily a great idea.

Even though it's wonderful that you're
trying and we welcome all suggestions.

- Wait, I... wait. I just thought of something.
- What is it?

Um, it's just an idea for... for Keel Them All.
The hero's trapped on the boat,

and my mom had this note where she didn't understand why
he wouldn't just call for help. I-I got it.

He... he left his phone on the dock.

What are you talking about?

Oh, sorry. It's my book.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Unbelievable.
- Your... your book is called Keel Them All?

Okay, ladies, can we convene the book club
a little later on, please?

Wade, I think maybe your idea is
maybe an unwise idea also.

- Seriously, Lucy?
- I'm sorry.

So, what do you propose?

That we wait here until 3'o clock.

Um... Okay... okay, what...
what happens at 3'o clock?

At 3'o clock, the parents will come
to pick up their kids.

We can get up on the roof
and signal them for help.

- Oh, I like that idea. It's... it's a good one.
- Better than your fucking idea.

- Anything is better than your idea.
- Oh!

Clint, are you okay?
That sounds...

Yeah, no. I'm fine... I'm fine.
I'm fine.

What happened to your arm?

- Oh, it's nothing...
- Ah.

- Oh, shit.
- What? It's just... it's just a scratch.

- Son-of-a-bitch, he's infected!
- No, no, no, it's nothing. I'm fine.

You got cooties, motherfucker!
Time for a quarantine.

- No, no, no. I'm feeling fine!
- Wade, wait! - You're coming with me!

- Stop resisting! Don't resist!
- I feel fine!

- Don't resist the quarantine!
- Wade! Wade, hon...

Let me out, asshole.

- Nobody else go in there.
- Oh.

I'm going in.

Doug, don't... ugh.
I don't care.

We have some breaking news developing

in the suburb of Fort Chicken this morning...

- You don't... - What if he...?
- Excuse me. Listen up, please.

Could everybody please listen up?

Guys, don't make me ask again.
Quiet, quiet, please.

- Please be quiet.
- None of us are talking.

Rebekka.

Quiet, please.

Thank you. It is my opinion

- that Clint has been infected with...
- Yeah, I knew it.

- ...whatever those kids have out there.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

But it doesn't seem to be
affecting him in the same way.

He's only exhibiting
mild stomach-flu symptoms...

Nausea, cramps, a little diarrhoea,
vomiting, mild anal leakage...

But it is my hypothesis
that we are safe from him for now.

He will not attempt to murder us
or tear us limb from limb.

- He just has the flu.
- Hold on a second.

How do you...?
How do you know all this?

Well, Rebekka,
I just examined his fluids

with two of histories oldest
scientific instruments... My hands.

Oh, Doug.

- Heh, don't worry. I'm wearing gloves.
- Oh, no, you're not.

- No.
- No, you're not.

- God damn it, Doug.
- Keep it together.

I see.

Oh, God.
Okay, okay, it doesn't matter.

Listen, the sub stays locked
in the closet.

If he gets a clean bill of health
at 3'o clock, then we'll talk.

Go time!

- Keep your distance, Grisham.
- Oh, there... There's vomit there.

- Ugh, God! - Sorry. Just watch your step.
- Are you all right?

- Hey, how are you feeling? Come on.
- Um, better.

- Okay. That's yours.
- Oh, thank you.

Wait, oh, I know that car.

That's the PTA president,
Racer Dopkins' mom.

She always gets here early
to open the gates.

- Hey, hey, over here!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey!

- Call for help!
- Use the phone!

This could fall apart at any minute, alright
and I'm just thinking about the children.

- Hey!
- 911!

Those little bastards
are gonna kill her.

- She's... it's fine. She's gonna be fine.
- Wait, there he is.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Don't open the door.

- She can't even see us.
- Don't let him get in! Don't let him in!

Who's Mummys' angel?
Who's Mummys' little angel?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

- Get out of the car!
- Don't! - No!

- You tell Simms that $300 won't cut it.
- Mrs. Dobkins!

Mrs. Dobkins, don't do it!

Oh, God, Steve. Don't even give me that.

I know what's going on with
this school 24/7, alright.

Come on, Racer. Let's go!

You wanna go to soccer practise
or not, honey puckle?

I'm not gonna be the one holding the bag at
the goddamn book drive again this year, alright.

No, you listen to me...

Racer, what the hell are you doing to your brother
back there now, huh? What are you doing... Oh!

- They go right for the face!
- I told you!

We have to warn the others.
The other parents are gonna be here any second.

They'll massacre the other parents.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- Get off of me!
- Help me!

- She's not one of them!
- How do you know?!

Look at her face.
It's not covered in pox.

- Help her up! Help her up!
- Oh, God, they're coming!

They're coming!

Come on!

They're getting up on the roof!
They're in the trees!

Move!

- Come on!
- Go, go, go!

- Where do we go?
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

To the auditorium!

Don't give up! Let's go!

- Aah!
- Move! Move! Move! Move!

Help! Get him off me! Get it off!

Wade, I...

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Tammy, why don't you and Calvin
come on over here with me?

- That guy always cheated off me.
- Calvin, come on.

I'll make sure
all the doors are secure.

Why...? Why is his blood black?

I don't know.

That's what I want to find out.

I-I think I'm gonna dissect him.

Hey, look at us.
We're fine. We're fine.

You know, we're... we're still us,
because... You know why?

Because none of us got bitten
or scratched.

I did.

Oh.

Oh, no, it's fine. We'll just... We'll go to the washroom
and... and we'll... you'll wash it out with soap

so it won't get infected, okay?
How... what do you say?

Okay.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you're doing this.

I can't believe boys pee in those.
I mean, that's disgusting.

That's disgusting?

It's not disgusting to have boys
staring at each other's penises?

What... what is wrong with that?
Okay, we got bigger things to worry about.

Well, this is interesting.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God!

- Oh, God.
- I'm gonna extract the brain.

- Oh, that's just rude.
- Tracy, God damn it.

It appears the preliminary
reports have been confirmed.

Children are, for some reason,
violently attacking their parents

in front of Fort Chicken Elementary.

We now have reports of victims
around the city,

and authorities have no idea
what is going on.

Stay inside, stay in your cars,
do not go out...

Dude, this is totally tripping me out.

Are you on 'shrooms too?

Hey.

- Can I get you anything?
- I'd really rather be left alone, Lucy.

Wade, can we please talk?

I don't wanna talk.

I know you don't, but I do.

Then why don't you talk
to your boyfriend about it?

Clint and I went to school together.

I haven't seen him in 15 years.

I walked in this morning,

the guy was fuckin' hittin' on you
and you were eatin' it up.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not kiddin' you, Lucy.

You can't even deny it. Deny it.

Clint and I were just talking.

And I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
I didn't mean to.

- Oh.
- Look, I'm sorry.

But I know neither of us thought
this was how the day was gonna go

- when we woke up this morning.
- No, no, we didn't.

I thought today was gonna go
way different than this.

You have no idea.
I bought you a ring yesterday, Lucy.

And then I walk in and I see you laughing
and smiling at that little asshole.

And you know what I thought?

I thought, wow,
she looks so pretty when she smiles.

How come she never smiles at me
like that?

I'll talk to you later, Lucy.

And go fuck yourself.

- Prognosis is not good.
- Oh!

As you can see, most of the grey
and white matter has been...

Rebekka, quiet, please.

Most of the grey and white matter
has been severely infected.

It's showing the beginning stages
of necroptosis and decomposition.

All of these black areas
are basically dead.

I mean, they can run, jump, eat,
but they're not human anymore.

- Not really.
- Once again, how do you know all this?

I learned all about the brain when I had
a 6-inch spike lodged in my skull as a child,

which is the reason why,
you may have noticed,

that sometimes when I'm talking
I use the wrong rowboat.

- Word.
- Word.

Now, bacteria can't cross
the blood/brain barrier.

So I'm thinking
this is more likely a virus.

What kind of virus would do that?

A pretty nasty one.

Calvin said that Shelly Lanker
was the first one to bite.

- Right?
- Yeah.

But what about Clint and Tamra?
All it did was make them sick.

I have a theory about this.

Hold on a moment.

- Tamra?
- Yeah?

- Have you achieved menses?
- What?

No, he's... uh,

...asking you
if you've had your period yet.

- Um, I really don't wanna say.
- You wear a bra, right?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

I gave you an "A" in sex ed, Tamra.

Little disappointed
you don't know what menses are.

Why is sex ed always taught

- by the creepiest teachers'?
- Clint, quiet, please.

It seems that the virus is
susceptible to androgens.

I mean, the pre-pubescent body
has testosterone and estrogen.

But at puberty, the bodys' glands
create a feedback cycle

- that increases the gonadotropins by about 2,000...
- Just what are you trying to say?

Talk like a person. Please.

The... the virus is only dangerous
if you haven't gone through puberty.

- Was that them? What's going on? How'd they do that?
- Okay, everyone, stay calm!

Calvin. Huh? Oh, shit. Calvin!

- Calvin.
- Over here, guys.

Quick, quick, quick!

Calvin? Wake up. Wake up.

- Calvin.
- Quit slapping me.

He's diabetic.
He needs to eat something.

We need to get him a candy bar
or a soda.

Wade, do you have any snack bars
or something?

- I got creatine powder.
- Well, he needs something with sugar.

This body is a no-carb zone.

Ah, what was that?

Probably one of the demented children
that's been trying to murder us all day.

It's coming from over there.

- They're in the boiler room.
- They can't be.

I've checked all these doors.
They're... they're locked.

Oh, my God, they have keys?!

Doug, I thought you said they
couldn't do stuff like that.

Oh, they're gonna get in here.
We're all going to die!

This can't be the end.
I'm not even published yet.

Wade, I've thought about it and
I don't think I can marry you. I'm sorry!

- Jesus! It's the fucking janitor!
- Hitachi?

- What are you doing here?
- The lights are out.

- Okay, we gotta move!
- Go!

Come on!

Move it! Move it!

Watch your step.

What the hell?

- You live down here?
- Yes.

- When is this gonna end?
- Where are we going?

- Oh, my God.
- Where are we?

We have a kid who needs help.
He's diabetic. Do you have any food?

Nori.

Oh, seaweed.

- I'm afraid that won't work. No.
- Oh.

Oh, the microwave.

This is the activation of
the emergency broadcast system

for the township of Fort Chicken,
Illinois.

Effective immediately,

the mayor of Fort Chicken has
announced mandatory evacuations

of neighbourhoods
east of Winslow Avenue.

Authorities are reporting the spread
of a highly contagious virus.

Reports say...

We're alone.

We're all gonna die, aren't we?

No. No, we're not. There's a snack
machine in the teachers' lounge, right?

- Yeah.
- Wade, how many people can fit in your truck?

I told you, it's a dual real wheel.
Dual real... It's a dual rear whe...

- Probably eight, max.
- Where are the keys?

- Up with my jacket.
- Which is where?

Back in the teachers' lounge,
which is impossible to get to.

Where does that lead?

Conditioning of air.

So this duct takes us
to the teachers' lounge?

Guys, we take the duct to the lounge.

We... we get Calvin something from the
vending machine and we grab Wades' keys.

We get back here, fix Calvin up and take the
duct as close to the parking lot as possible.

If we're near the office,
we should grab our cell phones too.

Right.

Yeah, but who's going up into that thing?
Who's teensy-weensy enough to fit up...?

Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I... No, I-I definitely don't
do brave stuff.

Like, I've never even been camping.
Look, I-I have a blog.

I-I get excited about Apple products.
That's what I'm comfortable with.

Here we go.

By letting you guard this,
I'm trusting you with my entire life.

Circle, circle, dot, dot,
now you have a cootie shot.

- It'll protect you.
- Thanks, Tamra.

Remember, Clint,
if you fail, we're all gonna die.

I appreciate the update, Doug.

- You're doing great. Just trust yourself.
- Yeah, and your cock is girthy too.

- Oh, fuck off, Wade.
- You fuck off.

Both of you cut it...
both of you cut it out.

You know who you sound like?
You sound like your students.

I don't have students.
I'm not a teacher, I'm a writer.

Yeah, a self-published writer.
Guess what, I'm self-published too.

Doug, do you wanna buy my book?

There are no words on this.

- You know what? I'm going to...
- Lucy, what are you doing?

- You can't... - No. No, you are not...
- You can't do anything to stop me!

If I wanna go in the fucking
air-conditioning duct, I'll go!

I'm just gonna die anyway,
just like the rest of you assholes,

so maybe I'm gonna try
and do something brave

as a final pointless gesture of kindness
in this cruel, shitty world

that likes taking gestures of kindness
and shitting and peeing on them!

You know what else? Since you're
all gonna be dead soon anyway,

I should tell you,

I hate every single one of you.

Aah!

Oh, God, it's me. It's me! I'm coming with you
whether you like it or not, so shut up.

Okay.

This makes me so nervous.

He paces like this late at night
when he's on the phone too.

It's just ridiculous.

How do you know that?

You'd better not let anything
happen to her, asshole.

Really, that's funny because I was thinking of
letting really bad things happen to her.

I will squeeze up in there
and slap your dick off.

- Thanks for coming to help me.
- No problem.

I think this is it.

Careful.

- Oh. Um, do you have a dollar?
- Yeah.

There's Wades' keys.

I'm gonna go check and see
if there's a phone.

- No, no, no, wait for me.
- No, we don't have time.

You get the candy bar.
I'm gonna get a phone.

Okay, be... be careful.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Shit!

- Clint, get it in! Get it in!
- I'm working on it! Come on!

Hurry up!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not gonna make it!
Go left!

Guys, heads-up!

They did it.

Hey, look what we got for you, buddy.

Put it back, put it back.

The desk! The desk!

I don't know how much longer
I can hold this.

Aah!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Miss Stanford!
- Jesus. - Oh!

Oh. After the fifth half-eaten
corpse you see, it's...

it's still horrifying,
but somehow slightly less horrifying.

Shit!

Guys, look out! They're in the vents!
They're heading your way!

- I'll get the locks.
- Okay.

- More stuff, come on.
- Here!

- Here.
- Let's go! Come on!

- Keep it coming.
- Here.

Straps!

Come on!

Got it!

Why do they pound?
What does all the pounding accomplish?

Are you guys okay?

Yeah, we're all good.
Thanks for the heads-up.

We are not all good!
We are trapped in here.

Oh, God, those kids
are gonna come in here.

- They're gonna rip us to shreds.
- Tracy, we get it.

You've got to calm down right now!

- I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm...
- Calm!

I'm fine.

- I'm calm.
- Okay. Thank you.

Calm down!

I'm calm!

I already said I was calm!

This is, like, the worst Monday ever.

This probably isn't
the greatest timing,

but I have a confession to make.

When I saw you this morning,
I was only pretending to be surprised.

I knew you taught here.

Wait, really?

Yeah, I've been pretty depressed lately
and I just wanted to see you.

It... It's stupid. I mean, we... we
haven't had a conversation in like 15 years.

I guess I kind of missed you somehow.

- Sorry, that's... that's so creepy.
- No, it's not creepy.

I'm just surprised.

I heard you were in New York
following your dream of being a writer.

Oh, well, I have another confession to make.

Remember when I-I said
I-I wasn't a teacher?

That was a lie too.

That's what I was doing in New York.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, I've been teaching
first grade for two years.

I mean, I thought I would have free time
to write, um, on my free time,

but as it turns out
there is no free time.

Teaching is the hardest job
in the world.

And I would...

...look out at the kids in my class

and I-I found myself
getting jealous of them.

They have the whole world
ahead of them.

Their whole lives ahead of them.

They have all these opportunities
that have already passed me by.

- Mm...
- What?

Nothing. I was... gonna tell you, you were
wrong, but you sort of have a point.

Oh, that's super comforting. Thanks.

Oh!

- I prob... I probably shouldn't have done that.
- I know. I know.

I-I can't just barge into your life
like that.

Even if I do kind of
hate your boyfriend.

Just need a bottle of wine.

Right? One of those backpacks
must have some beer in it.

Definitely Ritalin.
Probably Adderall too.

Wait.

There's still so much I haven't done.

Like... Like I've always wanted
to fire an Uzi. I don't know.

I wanted a bunny.

I always wanted a bunny growing up
and never got one.

You know what I want?

I wanna know why my brother-in-law
makes ten times what I do.

And you know what he does for a living?

He makes giant foam fingers
for football games.

Like, you tell people you're a teacher
and they look at you like,

"oh, you must've wanted to do something else
and you couldn't get anything going."

And it's like, "Fuck you, man.
I'm raising your kids."

I love my job.

- And teachers' deserve respect.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry that it took me till today
to realise this, but...

I really actually like you guys.

I always wanted to have sex
with a prostitute who was non-white.

Is anybody there?

Wade?

- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah.

Hey, listen, Lucy, about today...

Wade, we can talk about this
another time.

- Let's not talk about this right now.
- No, I wanna talk about it.

Lucy, I love you and I'm so sorry
that I was an asshole today.

Clints' not listening, is he?

- No, it's just me.
- Doing good.

'Cause... Look, I know you're
not crazy about your hometown.

Okay, and this is probably not
what you pictured growing up

that you'd be dating
some PE teacher.

And I guess I just got jealous that
some fancy-pants New York writer

- was gonna swoop in and...
- No, wait!

You know. I just... I know you've
always wanted to live there.

- And I just don't know that that's something
that I can ever... - Wade, it's Clint.

- Goddamn it, asshole! Put Lucy back on.
- I'm not a fancy writer from New York.

I'm a bad writer from Fort Chicken.
I live with my mom.

I sleep in a bed I used to pee in.

You're a handsome guy
who Lucy likes,

and if you guys are meant
to be together, I'm all for it.

I'm sorry I got in the way.

You really think I'm a handsome guy?

Listen, thanks, Clint.

Just...

Can you put Lucy back on, please?

- Wade, I love you, but I...
- Lucy, I...

- Wade, it's me again.
- Goddamn it!

I have an idea. Listen up.

Oh, dear lord.

Is the coast clear?

If by clear, you mean
filled with terrifying imagery

that will take me years of therapy
to unsee...

Hey!

Hey, sweetie!

Okay, go for it.

Look! Drugs! Are you hungry for some drugs?
You want some Ritalin? Some Adderall?

Do you remember how
in that movie Commando,

and every other eighties action film,
there was that suiting-up montage?

- Well, this is that scene.
- Yeah.

Now, they've got us outnumbered,
outgunned and out...

...numbered, but there's one thing
we have that they don't.

The drive to win!

They seem very driven to me.

We need to turn this room inside out.

Look under every shelf,
inside every box.

Gather anything you
or someone else can use.

We've got to collect everything.
We gotta have bats and tools

and ropes and pointy things.

Anything that has a spike on it,
anything that's serrated.

We're not playing defence anymore.
Darn fourth graders.

You can forget about them.
They're gone.

So forget who you think you're fighting,
'cause we're going to war!

I used to be a champion!

I'm a little fatter now,
yeah, I'm a little balder too,

but I've still got that spirit.

And they are not taking
that away from me!

Ever.

I've played dodgeball a million times
with these little shits.

Go for the face. It's their weak spot.

Huh. I guess they really can
overdose on that stuff.

Okay, looks like the Adderall did the job.

They should be knocked out
for a while.

Remember, when we say "go",
we rendezvous in the main hall,

head straight for the back door,
then haul ass for Wades' truck. Are you guys ready?

We are good to go. We can do this.

Between us, we've got eighteen
regional-championship trophies,

three MVPs,
and one state-championship ring.

Wade, those are all your awards.

Exactly, and I'm a part of this team.

That makes us all champions!

Now, are we ready?!

- Ready!
- Ready. - Ready.

- I'm gay.
- Oh! I fucking knew it.

Hitachi, you ready?

Yes, Hitachi ready to die.

My father told me story once,
story of frog and caterpillar.

Story goes, it was winter and frog
is sitting on snow-covered branch.

The frog looked and saw
the caterpillar and asked...

Okay, this story is taking way too long.
Let's play some dodgeball!

Hey, guys.

Okay, I got this.

Come on.

Fuck yeah! Let's go.

Go! Go! Move it!

- Let's go!
- Okay. Go, go, go.

Damn it, I'm out of balls!

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Rock 'n' roll!

Aah!

Get back!

- Lucy? Where's Lucy?
- I don't know!

Come on! Come on!

You motherfuckers!

- Thanks.
- Take me to Subway some time.

- Lucy.
- Okay. Okay.

Get behind me. Get back.

Get back. Get back!

Give me the keys!

- Get those kids to the truck! Move!
- Go, go, go, go!

Get off him!

Come on, let's go.

He's behind us.

Get in! Get in!

Hey, Danielle Steel!

Take care of her.

No!

- No, no, no, Lucy. No!
- No. Wade!

- No, no, no. Hang on, Lucy. Lucy, no.
- Wade! No! No!

Oh, no! No!

No, we gotta go! We gotta go! Go!

- Get in!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

Wade? Oh!

No!

Lucy, I'm sorry.

What about these kids' parents?

What about our parents?

Oh, shit.

- What?
- What?

We're almost empty.

Everybody hold on!

Must have been in the back
the whole time.

- Are you okay?
- Yes.

Oh, my God. What is he doing?

Ram him!

Eat a cock.

Well, that ought to do it.

Guys, up ahead. It's Danville.

At least it's not Fort Chicken.

Oh, no.

Jesus.

They got out.

Well, I'd feel worse

if all these dead people
weren't from fucking Danville.

Well, now we're really out of gas.

Everybody stay close.

- Wait. Where's Doug?
- There he is.

- Doug, come on!
- No, you come here.

They're everywhere.

Well, that's Indiana.

That's Ohio.

It's an epidemic.

Actually, the correct term
is pandemic.

A pandemic covers
a much wider geographical...

That's the Fort Chicken factory.

Is there anything from that factory
served in the school cafeteria?

The chicken nuggets.

Of course. A food-borne virus.

If I could get a handful of homing endonucleases, each one
targeting a different specific section of the genome...

You're doing it again.
You're doing it again.

Rebekka, quiet, please.

Okay, see, that time
I was actually talking.

If we could isolate the virus
and kill it while preserving the capsid protein...

- Doug, please dumb it down a little.
- If I could find one of the infected nuggets,

maybe I could make a vaccine...
For... for the virus.

Aah!

Everybody look for an open door!

- Guys, hurry up! Get in here!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Hurry!

Everyone okay?

Okay, we're here. We made it, right?

Oh, I fucking hate Danville so much.

Everyone stick together.

Oh, I can't... I can't see anything.

Someone find a light...

Aah!

- It's me.
- Jesus.

These things are great. It's like...

Let's go this way.

Oh, my God,
those are the nuggets.

You'll come in handy, little one.

Nugget out of here.
Nugget out... Nugget out of here.

Okay, come on.

Come on.

Where are we?

- I hate to say it, guys, but...
- Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Ta-da! Somebody order a bad-ass?

Wade!

Now, Hitachi.

Now the time for the frog
to fuck the caterpillar?

Whatever, Hitachi.

- Wait, they're... they're coming!
- Let's go!

Get in the van! Let's go!
Move! Move! Move!

I-I thought you were dead.

It was just half time, baby.

Go to the van! Run! Run! Run!

Hurry! Let's go! We can make it!

Help me wedge this in here.

Clint, go! Get out of here!

- Kids, kids, go, go, go!
- Oh, my God!

Is this one of those really
intense drug interventions?

I'm givin' you kids an "F" for fuck you!

Get up! Come on, let's go!

Go! Go, go, go!

What are you doing?
Water won't hold them off.

It ain't water.

Nap time, motherfuckers.

Let's roll.

- Where are we going?
- Someplace kids don't wanna go.

Wade, how did you find us?

I always know where to find
my dual re... Real...

My dual re... Dual real...
My dual real whe...

Transcripter - MoSub

And the frog fucked the caterpillar!

Ha!