Confessions from a Holiday Camp (1977) - full transcript

[THE WURZELS'
"GIVE ME ENGLAND" PLAYS]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

TIMMY:
Hello. It's Timmy Lea yet again.

Now, only Sid could've come up with the brilliant
idea of reopening a holiday camp in March.

It was so cold, the Russians were trying to send
political prisoners there. And the wind... Ha!

You could hardly hear
your teeth chatter.

SID:
Ah! This must be the life, Timmy, eh?

[♪♪♪]

Entertainments officer
at Funfrall Holiday Camp.

Can you think of a better position?
No, Sid.

There's no doubt about it, Timmo,
this time I've really landed us in clover.



You've got a brilliant brother-in-law.
Yes, Sid.

But listen, shouldn't we think
about laying on something?

Relax, will you, relax!

The less we organise,
the less we've got to do.

We're on a cushy number here.

Oh! Steady on, darling!
You nearly bruised Siddy's lips.

Sorry.

Hello!

Oh, Lionel's coming, Sid.
That'll be the day!

SID: What's up?
I don't know, dear.

Rumour, that fickle jade, has it
that the camp has been sold.

And you are wanted
in the office immediately. Ta-ra!

Sold?

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Hello, campers!



Don't forget to collect your packed lunches from
the main restaurant for the Magical Mystery Tour!

Hey, mush, where's Noddy?

Noddy?
Yeah.

If, by any chance, you're referring
to the previous owner, Mr. Nudgeley,

may I inform you that he has already
departed, leaving you his best wishes.

For your information, I am not mush, I
am William Whitemonk, the new owner,

late, but never in a temporal sense,
of Her Majesty's Prison Garfleet.

What were you in for? Murder?

Rape? Arson?

I was the chief warder, lad.
Eh?

And I had better warn you
at the start of our relationship

that I can't abide whingers, cringers,
skivers, malingerers or backsliders.

I'm fairly certain that you're in that list
somewhere! Smarten up! Disgrace to the uniform!

Get that scruffy vest off! Get a shirt
on! I'm going to get a grip, Noggett!

Henceforward, there are only going to be two
ways of doing things: my way and the wrong way.

Oh, yes!

Anyone who does not play ball with me will have
no balls with which to play. Is that clear?

Perfectly, sir.
You're the entertainments officer?

That's right.
Well, outline your programme, lad!

Come on! Oh--!

Well...

Well, we have the occasional sing-song
when everybody's pissed. I mean, had a few.

Sing-song?
Yes, sir. Then there's the clock golf.

And the donkey derby, when we can get the
donkeys, of course. And the fancy dress.

Not very inspired, Noggett. I think our parting of
the ways had better come sooner rather than later.

And the beauty contest, sir!

Beauty contest, eh?
Tell me more, Noggett.

Well,

it's only in the early planning
stages, as it were, sir, at the moment.

But I think it could be very big.

I think it's got enormous...

publicity value.

I hope so, for your sake, lad. If this beauty contest
doesn't go off with a bang, you'll go out with a thud. Clear?

Yes, sir.

Now, you've got an assistant called--
Lea.

Lea, yes. Now, where is he?

Oh! Don't worry about him, sir.
He's always on the job.

[MOANING]

WOMAN:
I do not find it very easy.

TIMMY: Up a bit more and
you'll find it'll slip in quite easy.

WOMAN:
It keeps slipping out!

TIMMY:
Slide it backwards and forwards!

It is easy for you. Oh!

Do you not think maybe we should
be looking after the guests?

I mean, after all,
we are the holiday hosts.

Don't worry about them. Sid said
they're much happier being left alone.

I'll bet you cannot
get your balls in here.

Pardon?

Listen, Brigitte, don't be so ridiculous. The idea
of this game is to get your balls in the pocket.

Oh! Such a silly game. If you have to put the
balls in the pockets, why you need the table?

That's a good question.

I will show you, mon petit.
Well, I won't show you mon petit.

Right, Noggett. I want to call a meeting of all
the holiday hosts. I'm going to harangue them all.

Shall I bring a rope?
Harangue, not hang!

Looking at you,
possibly yours is the better idea.

Yes, sir.

BRIGITTE:
You're wonderful to me!

Noggett.
Sir?

Remind me.
What goes on in there again?

Oh! That's the billiard room, sir. It's
a very popular recreational activity.

[MOANING]

Noggett, I'm talking to you! What exactly is going
on in there? Come out of the way and let me see!

Ah, bonjour.
Ah, bonjour.

Very likely.

He's very good at it, isn't he?

Lucky I got it in, eh?
Ah, oui.

Ah, oui, indeed! Let's see if I can get
that big red one in.

"Mr Noggett, I am enclosing..."

Oh! God!
Sorry, Sid.

Good morning!
You all right, Sid?

Of course I'm all right.
It's your face, it's...

I'm smiling.

The new Funfrall philosophy demands
a warm and happy smile

for everybody,
from morning until night.

For 12 hours if necessary.
Aren't you going a bit too far?

You heard what Whitemonk said.
Flash your teeth, kid. The teeth, right?

Then you divide
the camp into four suits.

Get them to play games against
each other until they're so knackered

they won't complain
about anything.

Oh, my God! It's just going
to be all go from here on in!

How are we gonna cope, Sid?
I don't know, but we're going to.

I'm not interested in failure.
Nor am I.

If I lose this job, our Rosie
is never gonna talk to me again.

She went spare
when the driving school went bust.

She's coming down, isn't she?
Don't tell me. Yeah, any moment.

And baby Jason. They chose the right
time, didn't they? I tell you what, kid.

I wouldn't even have invited them if I'd
thought they were going to accept, would 1?

Don't you worry about a thing, Sidney.
Thank you.

You can rely on me, mate.

[SID LAUGHS]

Have I heard that before!

Listen, kid, all I want you to do is
concentrate on Whitemonk's beauty competition.

Beauty competition?
That's a stupid idea, isn't it?

That's what I've been telling him,
isn't it?

He's mad keen on the idea, kid.
Get it?

Miss British Holiday Camps.

500-pound first prize. Automatic entry
to Miss Globe contest in London.

He thinks it'll get a lot of publicity.
I've just finalised the details.

So, we've got to get
some cracking-looking birds.

You've got it exactly, kid!

I want you to take these forms...
Yes, Sid.

Get out and comb that camp for talent!
Yes, Sid!

Know what I mean?
The real talent, eh?

If you and I don't come up with a bevy of
Funfrall beauties and make a success of this,

you and me are for the chop!

Got it?
Yes.

On your little bike. Chop, chop! Hey!

Remember, a lot of birds get carried
away when there's 500 quid at stake,

so don't expose yourself to temptation!
No, Sid.

We don't want any embarrassment like we had
with Brigitte in the billiard room, do we?

No, Sid.
And remember what Whitemonk said.

No.

An efficient camp is a happy prison!

Oh, God, no! I mean camp!
Camp.

I mean camp, yes.
Camp, yes.

What I want you to do is concentrate
on the job in hand, right?

And remember that Whitemonk
is watching your every move, kid.

And, Timmo...
What?

Oh, God! Don't you remember?
No. What?

Smile! Yes!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, yes!

TIMMY: Sid was clearly going bonkers. The rain
must have rusted up the inside of his nut.

Still, a sense of loyalty and stupidity sent
me out with my sheath of beauty contest forms.

Look at them! Poor devils! They'd have
been better off with anti-frostbite cream.

Would you like to enter
the beauty contest, madam?

Oh, yes. Thank you.
Fill it in at your leisure.

Morning!
Beauty competition, madam?

TIMMY: Here's a right little cracker! Switch
on the Lea magnetism and in like Flynn!

Excuse me, miss, have you...?

Have you got a light, please?

Yes, I don't seem to have got
my cigarettes with me. Silly me. Yes.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me,
do you mind if I just help myself?

No.

Thanks very much.

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry! I was just trying to...

Give that back!
Listen... Let me help.

There we are. Just get them back
there. Don't forget the camp motto! Smile!

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

What's your game?
I was just trying to enter your wife--

WOMAN: How dare you!
No! Let's talk about this somewhere!

Like in the pool!

My best jacket! Hang on, I've got to--

TIMMY: Blimey! When it said in the brochure
that everything in the camp was thrown in,

I didn't know it included me.

Listen... Madam! I just wanted to...

Listen! I was just asking if you--
WOMAN: Go away!

Hey, you! Go on, hop it!
What would your mum say, eh?

That is my mum!
Oh...

[YELLS]

You...
Dad!

Come here, midget!

You little rat!

Got you!
Dad!

That's it, mate, that's it! Right!
Dad! Dad!

Lovely little chap, isn't he, eh?
Go and find your mum.

Yes, you go and find your mum.

No, listen! I'm off duty!
I've got no time for a swim!

Right, keep your knees up now,
keep your knees up! Up! Up! Up!

TIMMY: / soon discovered what Sid meant by
getting everybody too exhausted to complain.

Most of them didn't know whether they were coming
or going. They were too knackered to do either!

Behave yourselves, will you!
Give over, will you, please!

MAN: Why don't you do something
useful, like bashing each other up?

There'd be less of you at the end of
the week. Go and bash your dads up!

Go and play in the road outside!
You'll enjoy it there. It's busy.

All right, Fred.
How's it going, mate? All right?

Dia... if you'll pardon the expression
...bolical!

Ever since that new fella took over, he's got me doing
everything. I'm running up and down like a blue fly!

I'm on the gates one minute.
I don't know where I'm up to.

Will you give over, Kevin!

Oh, he's a...

Stop it!
It's not nice and not good for you!

Just blow them up. That's that kid
who put the piranha in the goldfish pond.

Come along, come along!
Knees up, everyone!

FRED: What's going on?
Oh, come along, kiddies, come along.

Diamonds through.
Never mind kiddiewinks.

Never mind the whistle!
Come along. Face me, please.

Should have plenty of wind left.
Toes touch now!

[SQUEAKING]

Mrs. Hoskins obviously has a lot of
wind left. Let's try it again. Toes down.

[BALLOON SQUEAKS]

There he is. Off you go, then.
That's it! Oh, dear!

Hello. What's your name?
Sarah.

Come on, Sarah.
Be a good girl. See you later.

Lovely age, isn't it?
Yes, lovely.

I was wondering if you'd enter
the beauty contest.

Me? I'm a married woman.

Get away! You're not!
Yes.

That little girl is yours?
Yes.

I thought she must be your kid sister.
You're just saying that.

No, I'm not. Fill in one of these
forms at your convenience.

It doesn't have to be
your convenience. Anywhere'll do!

I don't know what my husband'll say.
He'll be proud of you, honest!

Listen. There's a rehearsal at the
swimming pool, 3:00. Don't forget.

You'll be a sensation.
Well, I'll have to think about it.

See you Thursday.
Mmm. Bye.

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Hello, campers. I'm sorry.

Tonight's supper menu should read
"plum duff" and not "duff plum".

You're a Spade, aren't you?
However did you guess?

Look, I hope you don't mind
me saying this.

I'd like to enter you.
Oh!

For the beauty contest!
You raised my hopes for a moment.

You mean it doesn't matter
about me being black?

No, there's no colour bra. I mean bar!
You can be any creed, colour or sex.

No, I'm sure you've got to be a woman.
Mind you, in your case, there's no problem.

Thank you.
Pleasure.

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Hi, holidaymakers.

Can we have the finalists
for the over-60s netball competition?

I want to see that. I'll talk to you
about the contest later.

TIMMY: Oh, I can see what
they mean now by racial tension!

SID:
Go on! You'll be the fastest this week.

There you go.
Was that better?

Fantastic!

Listen, I'd like to...

I'd like to have a word in private
with you about the beauty contest.

I think you've got
two outstanding chances.

I was having trouble with the throttle.

I know exactly how it felt.
Listen, let's meander over here.

I'd like to fill you in on a few of the details.
I think that you could well finish in the frame.

[TIMOTHY WHISTLING]

Morning!

WOMAN: I was wondering how
many lessons it would take.

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Hi, girls. I'm Timmy Lea. Do you want
to enter the...? Oh, dear.

Hello. I'm Glad,
and this is me friend Reen.

What do you want to ask us? Eh?

No, I was just wondering if you'd like
to enter the...beauty contest.

Oh, I don't know.
What do you think, Reen?

Will we have to expose
our bodies to scrutiny?

Yes, I'm afraid there is that to it.

Leave us a couple of forms,
and I'll discuss it with my friend.

Oh, right. There we go.

Here, can you drive one of those?

Drive? Me?

Well, yes, I've done a bit.

It looks so dangerous.
No, there's nothing to it, really.

Listen, I'll show you. Cop hold of
these, right? Out the way! Right!

[ENGINE STARTS]

Wa-hey!

Now, let me take you
round the curves.

[YELLS]

What the bloody hell was that?
You bastard! I'll kill you for this!

I'll have you, you little git!
Drown, you git, drown! See if I care!

Don't forget. This evening at the Hippodrome,
it's Monty Raver and the Harmonica Ruffians.

Plus the sweet country sound
of Biff and Scratch.

TIMMY: Still the rain came down. Not that I noticed
it. I dressed under the shower to feel normal.

It wasn't much fun for the kids. Some of them
were developing webbed feet. It's no good moaning.

Like Sid says, you've got to keep
a bright smile on your face.

Blimey! Whitemonk! I think I'll
squat this one out for a few minutes.

Something about that bloke gives me the creeps. {
always get a feeling he's creeping up behind me.

Lea! My all-seeing eye is
ever upon you, sunshine.

Your face is the essence of depravity,
as is your modus operandi.

Thank you very much, sir.

This beauty contest idea of yours
had better work out,

otherwise you and your friend Noggett
will be off this camp so fast

your plimsolls will leave
scorched rubber marks!

Right. We're right on top of it, sir.

Always remember, I do not like
layabouts, laggards, loafers or lechers!

Come on! Here we are.
MRS. LEA: Oh, all right, I'm coming!

Come on! Don't mess about.
These are heavy! Oh, my God!

Funny smell.
Probably Jason.

It's not!
No, it's not. It's the ozone.

The what?
Ozone. Sniff it up.

Cor!
I see what you mean. Good, isn't it?

It gets--

I can't cope!
Here. Love, love, love!

That's it. That's better.
I'll go and...

He's full of the holiday spirit.
Not now he ain't, love! Look, Jason.

Sid said something about transport.
He's probably got a lot on his mind.

Where's that car?

Here, mate, is this it?
This is it.

Hey! This is it! It's over here!

ROSIE: Look!
Ooh! Is that for us?

Yeah. Bit of all right, isn't it?
Well!

Sid's done something right
for a change.

Come!
Pass down the car inside, please.

MRS. LEA: Wait a minute!
I can't get in with all these suitcases!

Hang on. Here comes Pan's People.
MRS. LEA: Oh, Walter! Come on, love!

Getting in? Come on!

Come on, it may never happen,
girl. In you get.

All right, guvnor?
You're doing all right! Two of them!

Hello. Come on, girl, come on. Here,
left your bees at home, have you?

Go on, darling, up you get.

This is the first time I've been
to one of these. Don't cry, love.

It can't rain all the time.
If it does, there'll be plenty to do.

Oh, yeah! Why don't we have
a nice little sing-song?

All right. How about...

[SINGING "MY OLD MAN
(SAYS FOLLOW THE VAN)"]

MRS. LEA:
Come on!

MR. LEA:
All together!

[♪♪♪]

I think that waitress has emigrated.
Wait till I get my hands on Sidney!

We'll die of malnutrition here. I'm not
kidding, I'm starving. I'd eat a bloody horse!

That food looks nice.
You probably will eat horse here.

Let's have it. Any chance of getting served
in the next 12 months? Isn't it marvellous?

Walter!
What?

And watch your manners here.
Use your serviette.

Serviette.

ROSIE: Dad!
MRS. LEA: Walter!

Hello, campers.
DINERS: Hello!

He's a bit vice versa.
LIONEL: You can do better than that!

Hello, campers!
DINERS: Hello, Lionel!

Oh, isn't that nice!

I don't want to impede
your delicious din-dins,

but now's the time
for the Mealtime Marathon.

Who's gonna try and beat the record?

Is it going to be the Hearts, the
Spades, the Clubs or the Diamonds?

There's only one way to find out.

Eyes closed, aim and...

[CHEERING]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

LIONEL:
Come on! Up you come, come on!

Up you come! Up you come!

Oh, yes!

You better put that in the oven.
Come along, loves!

Can we put you in this?

Very nice, yes. That's the one.

[CHEERING]

Only another 15 miles before seven o'clock
and you'll put Clubs in the lead! Yes!

Well done. I'll keep an eye on you.

I love sitting down
to a nice cold plate!

[BELL AND BUZZER SOUND]

And desist!

That's stop to you, dear. Well, now,
let's see how you've got on, shall we?

Oh! You're never going
to believe this!

You've missed it by 300 yards. Never mind.
Very well done, wasn't it? Very well done.

Come along, let's have a big
handy-pandy! What was your name again?

Mr. What? Never mind. A big
handy-pandy, yes, please. Come along!

How about a bit of nosh?
I haven't had nothing yet.

Sorry, we don't serve meals
after seven o'clock.

Seven o'clock!
Bloody marvellous, isn't it?

I'm gonna have a drink.
No, you're not. The bar's closed.

God! What a light holiday this is!

TIMMY: It says here any holiday host who gets
involved with a guest will be dismissed forthwith.

If not quicker.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, hello.

[♪♪♪]

I'm a bit busy at the moment.
I'm reading a book.

I want to fill out a form.
Well, looks like you already have.

No, seriously, you can't be here.
Mr. Whitemonk would do his nut.

But he's not here, is he?

No. No, he's not.

It's just you.

And me.

Yes, I suppose it is.

I bet you've got fantastic
sense of rhythm.

How about you and me having a little
shuffle and getting to know each other...

better?

Well, just a tiny one.

Then you really must go,
because I want to press my blazer.

It might even be better with music.
Yes, it might be.

Oh! Sorry.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, that's the rhythm, honky.
This is the stuff!

Five hundred pounds.

You and I could come
to a...interesting split.

Listen, if you think you can get
round me with sex, you may as well...

You're right!

Oh, Lordy! I always wondered if it was
true what they said about you white boys.

Wa-hey!

[TIMOTHY GROANS]

Lay off, will you?

What's that?

Don't stop, honey!
I'm going into orbit!

[MOANING]

WOMAN:
Oh, yes! Harder! Come on!

Shut up!
Turn that bloody wireless off!

Must be Sid. Yeah!
Ooh, oh, yes!

WOMAN:
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Shh!

Hey, hey! Do you hear that?

I reckon he's got a bird in there.
Filthy little swine!

[MOANING]

He ain't half giving it!

Sid!
What's the matter with you?

I've got headache!
You've always got a headache.

Shut up, will you?

[♪♪♪]

TIMMY: Phew!
Talk about doing the black bottom!

It was more like 15 rounds with
Muhammad Ali, losing every one!I

Took ten minutes to get me pyjamas
on. As it was, I needn't have bothered.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, no.

Oh! I suppose
it's about the beauty contest.

Yeah. I'd like you to scrutinise me.
Oh.

Sounds very interesting, but I can't.
Where's your friend?

She's waiting in the alley by the pally.
Good. Why don't you come in?

I'll get you an entry form,
and you can fill it in.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, God! It must be Sid.

Hello, love.

Sorry to be so late. I brought
these nice woolly vests for you.

It can get parky down here.

Shall I put them in the cupboard?
No!

TIMMY:
No, not in the cupboard!

No, don't stick it in there, please!
Don't stick it in there, because--

He's still at it!
{ mean.. it's too email!

This is too much! I'll bloody
have him! I'll bloody have him!

Open the door! Come on! I know
you've got a woman in there. Open the--

Sidney! What on earth are you doing
here? People are trying to sleep!

What on earth's Rosie going to think?
Back to your chalet at once!

You'll catch your death of cold out here like
this. I don't know what you're thinking of!

Oh...

What are you doing?
I want to show you me costume.

Reen thinks it goes a bit too far.
Oh, does she?

I'd do...anything to come somewhere.

[YELLS]

Sid!
Now look what you've done!

Will you get off me, please! Shh!

Blimey!
The blooming bulb's gone now.

Let me see what--

If you place me,

I'll place you.

That's very kind of you, but I'm afraid
I'm a little bit busy at the moment.

Where are you going?

Ooh! Oh, oh!

Sid!

[HUMMING]

Ooh, the filthy pervert!
Oh, stone me!

Get off! Leave us alone!
You pervert!

Leave me alone! I'm not bent!

What's going--?

Good morning, campers! Wakey-wakey! We welcome
you to another sunny day of good cheer!

ROSIE: No, Dad, he'll be all right.
Come on, Walter. Here's a nice place.

ROSIE: It's my shoes.
I can't hurry up with these.

MR. LEA: You shouldn't wear
bloody high-heel shoes on the sand.

I didn't know! Where's Jason?
We could've had a game of bingo.

Would've been better!
Shut up!

Dad, can you put this up?
Here you are.

He's all right.
He's playing with that boy.

Let your mother have a go.
Put that up.

Mum can't do it!

Can't do any bloody thing!
Stop it. Everyone's looking!

Bloody helpless, you women are!
He should've stayed at the pub!

Bundle of fun on holiday he is!

MRS. LEA: Where does this thing go?
ROSIE: Here, Mum, I've done that one.

ROSIE: Sit in there. All right?
MRS. LEA: Lovely!

ROSIE: Make yourself comfortable.
Want your bag? Here.

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]: Attention, please! If
campers continue to use toilet rolls as streamers,

we shall have to
install streamers in the toilets.

[♪♪♪]

[SNORING]

Ooh, I did have a nice little nap.
Want a nice cup of tea, Walter? Walt--

Oh, my God! He's buried him!
This kid's buried your dad!

Come on, give us a hand!
Oh, Mum!

Look at this, it's terrible! Oh, God!
What's the matter?

What are you two doing?
Trying to rescue me husband!

What are you talking about?
What?

He's here! Dad! Blooming ungrateful!
We were trying to save your life!

You gave me such a fright.
All right! No need to get excited.

MRS. LEA: Come on.
Blimey! Getting worked up like that.

Where the hell's my wallet?
I don't know where your wallet is.

It was in here, woman!
I bet that little sod's buried it.

Get off out of it
before I kick you up the harris. Go on!

Right!

What do you think you're doing?
Looking for me bloody wallet!

Yeah, well, be more bloody careful!
Now, now, now! Give over.

Let's not let any unpleasantness
mar our holiday happiness.

Tell him to keep out of my affairs!
I won't forget.

Elephants rarely do, do they, mate?
That's not a very nice attitude.

What's it got to do with you?
Get back to your ice-cream van.

I'll have you know you're
in the presence of a judo expert.

I'm a third dan.
Oh, yeah?

Doesn't bother me, mate. I'm not interested in anybody
who came third! First or second, that's me, mate.

Wait till I start on you! You are asking
for a bother! A bother you will get!

Let's have you, sunshine!
I've got a bionic finger.

I once spoke to Brian London.
I've seen photos of Muhammad Ali.

You're worried now!
This is a fight to the death!

When I get my second wind,
there'll be murder here!

The pubs are open.

Are they?
Yes.

Shall we call it a draw?
Yes.

Let's go and have a pint.
Did you do a bit in the army?

I fought with the battalion.
What were you in?

Catering Corps.
Did you know Harry Harper?

Was he in the Catering Corps?
He was in the army.

So, ladies and gentlemen, to continue
with our biweekly progress report

and self-evaluation.

I'm happy to say that the increased
emphasis on competition is paying dividends.

The whole spirit of the camp
is now bursting

with a new-found vim, vigour,
verve and dynamism.

A dynamism, however, which must be
reciprocated in your own efforts.

Anyone who does not measure up to standard
will be removed without qualm or quibble.

Here, here!
Which brings me to Noggett and Lea.

I have read your recommendations for
the beauty contest and in the main I agree.

However, I think we need
another dimension.

There are other aspects of feminine
merit which deserve a chance of a reward,

such things as intelligence,
sunny disposition,

talent, thoughtfulness.

Yes!

Talent.

Intelligence.

Thoughtfulness.
And a sunny disposition.

This is what our beauty queen
will have.

Eh?

On the other hand, we could have
a baking contest.

Right. Now, look, let's get
this beauty contest tied up.

I want the cakes on tables round
the hall and the rostrum at the other--

Hey, you!
I was just looking out for Whitemonk.

What for?
He's always creeping up behind you.

He's not the only one. Get down the
kitchen staff and tell them we want--

Go down to the kitchen staff and tell
them we want a dozen folding tables,

and while you're down there make sure
there's enough charcoal for the sauna.

Right, Sid.
Good.

Smile.
What?

TIMMY: [ was tripping on my merry little way again.
I had a definite feeling that things were on the up.

The rain was getting warmer and the wind had dropped
below gale force for the first time in weeks.

Everything in the garden was lovely,
except for the flowers.

They'd all been nicked.

[SIZZLING]

Oh, blimey.

Oh, blimey!

Oh! I didn't know
it was a mixed sauna today.

No, it's not.
I've just got a bit of knob trouble.

What?
I couldn't get the thing on the thing.

Oh, don't worry about that. I expect
the heat will soon loosen that up.

Yes, I expect it will.
It is hot in here, isn't it?

Oh, yes!
Especially with all those clothes on.

Yes.
Why don't you take them off?

Take them off?

You do look a bit strange
in a sauna with clothes on.

Oh, yes. I suppose you're right.

We don't want anybody
to get the wrong idea now, do we? No.

Miss Dubois, whither bound?

With a bound what,
Monsieur Whitemonk?

I see my question has outstripped your
rudimentary knowledge of our language.

Bloody frog!
Pardon?

I was wondering where you were going. Perhaps
you'd care to accompany me on my rounds?

Never forget, Miss Dubois,
surveillance is the watchdog of efficiency.

I'm sorry about Thursday.

Thursday?
Yes, the beauty contest rehearsal.

You asked me to enter. Remember?
Oh, yes, of course.

I just don't recognise you
without your...makeup on.

My husband wouldn't let me enter. He said I
was too fat. That's why I'm here, actually.

Too fat? You must be
round the twist. You're...

Sorry. You're very, very desirable.
Do you really think so?

Oh, yes! In fact, if I wasn't so busy,
I would do something about it.

Fanny Craddock's a lovely girl--

Just averted a disaster! I'm getting
ready for the cookery class.

Marvellous idea of yours
about the baking contest.

Funny, I was thinking
along the same lines myself.

The thought does you credit, Lionel.
Thank you, sir. I do love a boost.

Well, I'd better go
and stick my buns in the oven. Ta-ra!

I wonder if he's got it in him.
I would be very surprised.

He couldn't make a worse
entertainments officer than Noggett or Lea.

I must get one of these installed
when I get home.

Really!
I mean a sauna.

She means a sauna.
Oh, yes!

[YELLS]

I think I can speak with authority. I
did once make a day trip to Calais and--

A streaker!

Pardon?
Uh, streaker!

Ah...

A streaker?
That's what I bleeding said.

As if we haven't enough problems.
Now a streaker's running around.

Oh, yes, Sid.

Sid, this has packed up. It's broken.

Oh, blimey!
There's no peace, is there?

Can't you see I'm trying to do
me relaxation yoga? Give it here!

Family keeping out of trouble?
They're knackered.

Guess where they've gone.
Lionel's cookery classes!

He's teaching them
how to make fairy cakes.

Nobody could be better equipped
for the test, could they?

Look! Try and be
a bit more practical, will you?

Oh! Yes, Sid, you can rely on me.

You bloody fool!

Practical.

TIMMY: Then something amazing
happened. The sun came out.

Some of the staff who had only been at
the camp for a few years had never seen it.

Sid, of course, suggested charging extra, but
rented out sunglasses and deckchairs instead.

I was just happy to be copping a spot of the
ultraviolet, rather than the ultra-violence.

Morning.

The sun brought out the crumpet all right, but
it also meant I had to get the beach toys ready.

Sid was thinking of charging
for them too.

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Attention, please!

Again, I apologise for the printing
error on tonight's supper menu.

It should read "toad in the hole".

Timmy.

Oh! Hi.

You seem to be, how you say,
pensive?

No, I was just thinking.

I have been thinking too.

Timmy, I have to have it out with you.
Oh, yes?

It was you streaking round the
camp, wasn't it? I recognised you.

I wasn't actually streaking.

What's happened to the Timmy
I used to know?

Nothing.

Have you become so blasé about sex
that you have to resort to that?

Of course not, but--
It is so sad, Timmy.

You know that the real thing
is much, much better.

Well, of course I know that, Brigitte.
Let me remind you.

TIMMY:
Oh!

What is the problem?
You've been serving lolly-ices.

Do not worry.
I will soon warm him up.

Oh, goody!

Come along, Noggett. Sit down.
Yes, sir.

Two beers, please. Now then, Noggett,
this streaking fiend must be found.

I agree.
Or your position will be in jeopardy.

Jeopardy? I didn't know
we had a place there.

Don't try my patience, Noggett.
Thank you, miss.

Now, I--

Pay attention!

Now, I have pulled off another brilliant coup
and don't want it ruined by this naked lunatic.

Do you know who is going to be
accompanying our beauty competition?

Alberto Smarmi.
Alberto Smarmi?

Alberto Smarmi. Mr. Piano Magic.
You mean Mr. Piano Magic?

The wop with the candles!
The wop with the candles?

I would hardly choose that method to describe a
man whose music has brought pleasure to millions.

Even if he is a bloody Eyetie.

Anyway, somewhere there lurks a deranged nutter
who could ruin all my future plans for Funfrall.

This man must be found, Noggett!

Mon brave!
Oh, oui.

[EXPLODES]

Right, sir, I'll get right on--

This pervert exists,
and I want him found!

What is the matter with you, man?
Nothing.

I think your brain is softening, lad.
Pay attention when I'm talking to you!

I want this man found. I want
searches instituted all over the camp.

I will!
24-hour patrols and guard dogs!

I want this man found.
Right!

Brigitte! My trunks!

TIMMY:
My trunks!

Give me my--
Timmy!

Mark my words. If we do not catch
this man, we'll have the whole camp at it!

Noggett, are you listening to me?
Yes, yes.

We're approaching a crisis.
Pay attention!

This entire establishment could crumble
before my eyes if we're not careful.

I'm not under a strain,
neither am I suffering from delusions.

Noggett, I don't know what ails you,
but if you were a horse I'd have you shot.

I could be talking to myself.

Noggett, that's him, that's him! What
are you sitting there for? Come on!

[♪♪♪]

Looks as if he got away, sir. Drat it!

We've got to catch this man.
Yes, sir.

Your position depends on it.
My position? Sir? Sir!

[POP MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

Oh! Hello! Oh, I see.

That was "Any Way That You
Want Me" by The Allcomers.

Now a request for Dave Richards for his
parents. Wishing you a smashing holiday.

Have you got a request?
Well, I could have, yes.

No, I'm a holiday host.
Haven't seen you before.

Oh, that's because I never get out
of this place. It isn't half hot in here.

Yeah.
What can I do for you?

Well... Perhaps you could make a few
announcements about the beauty contest.

Perhaps you could enter, eh?
Oh, no such luck.

I used to have a smashing time when I was
working in the camp. Now I'm stuck in here.

Oh! Left alone with your mammaries.

I mean memories!

Yes!
Yes!

Yes!
Yes!

Yes?
Oh, yes!

[MOANS LOUDLY]

[MOANING ON LOUDSPEAKER]

Here, shut up, listen.
Eh?

They can't leave anything alone these days. It's one of
your classics, that! Listen to what they're doing to it!

[MOANING INTENSIFIES]

I mean,
that's adding nothing to it, is it?

You've got to move
with the times, ain't you?

I'm trying to think who's doing it.
It's...

Filth!
Where?

Not you, dear!

Oh, Sid...have you got
the key to the chalet?

Oh, definitely!

Her asthma hasn't started again,
has it?

Where are they going?
Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Keep this to yourself, love, all right?

[♪♪♪]

What are you trying to do, drive me into the bloody
nut house? Flashing yourself all over the camp!

Broadcasting your sex life
for everybody to hear!

Oh, God al-bloody-mighty!

Talk about biting the hand
that lays the golden egg!

Do you realise, kid,

that if anything goes wrong on
this build-up to this beauty contest,

you and I, sailor, are out of a job?

Yes, I realise all that, Sid!

Whitemonk was hinting at a transfer
to Jeopardy. Do you know where...?

That's funny. He said he was going
to send me to Limbo.

Either way, we've got a lot to lose.
Yeah.

Now, listen to me! Have you yet
decided on the judging panel?

Yes, Sid, yes! Hang on!

Here we are. We've got the vicar,
the mayor, Mr. Whitemonk, of course.

He wants his wife to come down.
Apparently she's very keen.

Talking about the beauty contest,
guess who's entering, eh?

Rosie. That's a laugh, isn't, eh?

A laugh, isn't it? It's a little laugh.

Have you taken entire leave
of your bloody senses?

No!

Did you think that for a second I'm
going to let a load of bloody layabouts

gawp at my Rosie
in the almost altogether?

You've entirely blown
your bloody tiny mind

because I can assure you, Timmo,
there is no way, but no way

that my Rosie is going to enter
this beauty contest!

Yes, Sid!
Yes?

Right. That's settled. I'm gonna go in for
the beauty contest and Mum can bake a cake.

SID: But, Rosie--
If you want to help, unbung that sink.

It's blocked. We're going to the beach.
Rosie, come here! You come here!

Well, you certainly told her, Sid.

No! Shall I get on to Maintenance?
Because of the tap--

Maintenance? You don't need to get onto
Maintenance for a little job like that!

I mean, what would Whitemonk say?

A holiday host is supposed
to show some initiative...

Just joking, Sid.
You ought to get hold of one of these.

I'll go and get one.
Not now!

Not now?
Not now! Come and watch what I do.

I'll probably get one later.
There's probably something--

Look! It's leaked on the carpet. There's
probably something caught in this trap.

Yeah, you got it, Sid.
I've got it, yeah. It's coming.

You done it? Soon check.
That's done it.

Right! Seems to be working.

SID: You bloody fool!
Turn it off! Turn...

Sid, it wasn't my fault! I was just
seeing if it was flowing all right.

It's not gonna be the only thing
flowing around here, mate!

Look, this tap's still leaking! Look!
Well, you fix it, then.

No, no!
I'm not doing everything around here.

[BOTTLES FALL]

11 fix it.
God...

God give me patience!
I'll get you some patience.

If you want a job doing, you've got to do
it yourself if you want it done properly...

Right, Sid!
Don't you?

There we are.

Now look what you've gone and done.

Get something!
Don't just stand there! Do something!

I'll do something! Oh, yes! I'll get--
Come on, quick! Don't panic!

I'm not panicking, Sid!
Put it under there quick!

You bloody fool!
I'm just about to kill you with this!

Not down there! Oh, God, no!
Put it under! That's right!

Out there!
Oh! Yeah.

Sid!

[CRIES]

Quickly, quickly!

Look, why don't you go outside
and turn off the--

Turn off the--

Yes!
Turn off the stopcock, Sid.

Stopcock! Stop the stopcock!

Kevin.

What's the matter, son?
This bloke emptied a potty over me!

Don't be so ridiculous! What bloke?

Right!

Right!

Get back to your mother!

You got the wrong fella.
Stop it, please! Stop!

No! It's not me! Don't--

Sid, it's all right.
I've stopped the cock!

Sid! Sid! I've done it!
I've stopped the cock!

Sid?

Where are you, Sid? Si--

Oh, there you are.
I've managed to stop the thingy, yes.

I'll get on to Maintenance because the--
Maintenance!

Oh, fantastique! Wonderful!

LIONEL:
Yeah! Whoa!

Wonderful! Very good.
How's that, Brigitte?

I'm all wet! Now, must take the ski.
Trés bon, Lionel.

And the other one. There we are. All
you've got to do...just bend the knees.

Bend the knees. Let the boat pull you.
Oui.

Ooh! Naughty!

Don't pull on the rope.
Oui.

Whatever you do,
just keep your legs together, dear.

Timmy! Did you see Lionel?
Great! You're a man of many parts.

Cheeky monkey! Do you waterski?
Me? Well, yes, of course I ski.

Nothing spectacular, of course.
No. Tell you what, I'll give you a tow.

What, now?
LIONEL: Mmm.

Don't you even want to try?
Once you are up, it is very easy.

LIONEL: Yes.
Oh, yeah! Right! No jumping, though.

Come on, then.
Right.

This, sir, is our new waterskiing
facility, as you suggested, of course, sir.

It's proving very popular
with the public.

Wait... Where are you going?
You can't waterski.

I don't know yet. Haven't tried, Sid.

Over here, sir--

Never mind that. Let's watch this man.

This could be very interesting.
Oh, no, sir, you don't want to watch--

Noggett, will you please shut up?
I'm not in the least interested.

Are you ready, ducky?
Okay.

Hang on a minute! Hang on!

[YELLS]

Noggett. I'll get you for this, Noggett!

BRIGITTE:
Marvellous! He's still up.

TIMMY:
Help! Stop!

BRIGITTE:
Be careful! Hold on!

Come on, Timmy!
Very good! Wonderful!

Be careful now! Timmy!

[YELLS]

Blast it! You bloody...
Sorry, sir!

Cheers!
Oh, sir, I'll help you out, sir.

There we go. It's a nice day...

Oh. You.

Pool.

I don't need to tell you, Noggett,
I am not at all happy.

Your position with this camp,
lad, hangs by a thread.

If it were not for this beauty competition, I would
have no hesitation in sacking you on the spot.

Sid, I've got some--

Sid, I've got good news about the...
Don't skulk in the corner! Come in!

Now I come to think of it--

[PHONE RINGS]

Sorry, sir. Hello.

Hello, Silly Willy, it's Woofsie.

I'm at the silly old station,
and they've run out of taxis,

and I wondered if you'd like to get
into a jalopy and come and get me!

Uh, Silly Willy...

I mean Mr. Whitemonk, sir,
I think it's for you. It's Woofles.

Woofles?
Yes. She wants you to pick her up.

Hang on.

Can you bring Mr. Squidgy with you?
Give me that! Hello there!

Antonia! It is you, my love.
Good gracious! It's my wife.

Aw!

What's that, treasure? Don't worry. I'll
send someone down with a car to collect you.

Behave yourself, now,
and don't talk to any strange men.

If you like, sir, I'll go--
Stay where you are.

You and I have got plenty to get on with. For a
start, we haven't caught this damned streaker.

No, sir, it can't be me!

This man can go.

Mrs. Whitemonk?
Yes.

Sorry I'm late.
I got a little bit behind, I'm afraid.

So I see! You should have got me one.
Where's my husband?

He's tied up at the moment.
Never mind.

I expect you'll make
a very good substitute.

Well, I try, yes. Is there anything
you want me to put inside?

Mind reader!

Ooh!

[LAUGHING]

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING
OVER LOUDSPEAKER]

I can't drive any further, Mrs. Whitemonk.
We've nearly had three very serious accidents.

You could have got us killed!
But what a lovely way to go!

What's the matter?
Don't you find me attractive?

Of course I do,
but it's your husband...

You find him more attractive than me?
No! He's on the point of sacking me.

I'm the driving force in this operation

when I can find
the right steering column.

Oh, look! I just like to stir the juices.
Fairs always turn me on.

Yes.
One quick ride, I'll be good as gold.

If I may ask, Mrs. White--

Get off, will you?
Where did you meet your husband?

I was on the Prisoners' Aid committee
and he was the chief screw.

TIMMY:
Look, we must get to the office!

I love fairs.

And I love affairs!

No!
Your husband will be very anxious.

Supposing I told him you'd made
a pass at me? He's insanely jealous!

You wouldn't do that, would you?
Not if you made a pass at me.

Let's go in here.
No! Definitely--

Mrs. Whitemonk, I might lose my job.
I'd rather you lost your clothes.

Quick! Take them off! I want to drink
from the glistening chalice of your body.

Here, it's years since I've seen
one of these things.

Yeah, and that's not the only thing.
You're too old for all that.

Oh, go on, Dad, give Mum a thrill.
That'll be the day!

One of these weeks I'll come
into season and give you a shock.

Here! Come on, it's free!
I can just afford that. Wanna bunk up?

Oh, Walter!
Bet that brought back memories.

MR. LEA: Hold it still while I get on.
Don't burn your hand.

Ta-ra, Rose!
Ta-ra, love!

Send me a postcard!
Behave yourselves!

Rosie! Have you seen Tim yet?
No.

Thank God for that.

Ooh, ain't it lovely!
Ooh, look at that!

Bloody thing looks like our vicar.

Here, look at this one!
Mum's more frightening than that.

Ooh, I'm frightened!

Ooh, Walter!
I'm glad it's free. I wouldn't have...

Here! Here, that looks like Timmy!
I'm sure it's Timmy.

No, they'll bring pornography
into anything nowadays.

WHITEMONK: Noggett!
Oh, yes, sir.

Noggett, have you seen my wife?
Don't worry. She's being seen to.

I hope so, lad, because I will hold you
responsible if she's not in good hands.

[SHRIEKING LAUGHTER]

WHITEMONK:
Antonia!

Oh, poor darling, what a shame.
I've completely worn you out.

Oh, God!
I can't take much more of this.

[KNOCKING]

Sid.

Oh, no!
I just came to remind you.

It's the contest tomorrow, honey.
I know.

So I'm going to be nice to you
if you are nice to me.

Ooh. No--

[KNOCKING]

In the cupboard!

I'm not going in there!
Yes, you are! Quick! Sh!

Sorry to trouble you. I wondered
if you remembered your promise?

You said you were going to try and help
me improve my chances for the competition.

[KNOCKING]

In the cupboard! The cupboard!
In the cupboard! Quick!

Oh, darling!

Ooh, I've come, I've come!

[KNOCKING]

My husband!
In the cupboard! Yes!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Oh...
Oh...

Oh...
Oh...

Oh...
oh, oh...

Mon petit, I've been so very worried
about you. Why you do these things?

Je ne sais pas.
You need help.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, mon Dieu!
That must be Mr. Whitemonk.

The cupboard, quick!
Timmy!

[WOMEN GRUNTING]

Timmy, you have been deceiving me.

Well, I couldn't afford mothballs.

The time's come for me
to make a stand.

Don't look at me, dear.
Don't mock.

Ever since you and that Noggett creature came
here, this camp has sunk into a mass of depravity.

Look at this! Look at it! I've been hiding
my light under a bushel for too long.

I should hope so, dear.
Hmm?

Nothing. I was just--
I believe that you are the streaker.

What? Me?
Yes, you. Filth!

And furthermore, furthermore, have
you got a woman in that cupboard?

That's just my--

I'm warning you, Lea,
I'm bent on exposure.

I always wondered what it was.
No, look--

I've given my suspicions to Mr
Whitemonk. He's gonna come in in a minute.

So stand aside.
No! Lionel, please! I appeal to you.

It'd be different if you did.
Stand aside.

No, don't! Don't do that!

Just a few close friends
I asked round for tea.

Lionel!
Good God, not him!

So you're the streaker!
I've been framed! I mean...

One, two...

Freddie, it's not working, dear.
One, two, buckle my shoe.

Freddie, dear, would you mind pulling
your finger out of that?

All right. Just a giggle.
I'll see to that. You join the ladies.

All right.
They're waiting for you.

One, two, testing!
One, two! One, two, three!

Is it on, Wally? Can you hear me
in the games room?

She's here.

Thank you! Got the turn for you
before the beauty competition.

This turn's cost us a lot of money,
so I want you to listen.

You're on your holiday, so do as you're told.
Thank you. That's a bit better. Thank you.

This turn has just come back from a successful
tour of the Conservative clubs in Moscow.

He is very famous
on radio, on television and on films.

I want a big clap,
because he's a big turn.

Give over now this time for...

Alberto Smarmi!

[PLAYS PIANO]

I'm so nervous.

What are you nervous about?
What do you mean?

You are the boss' wife, aren't you? It's a
handy way of keeping 500 pound in the family.

What are you incinerating?
Bitch, bitch! We're on. Walk this way.

ROSIE:
Blimey! I thought I already did.

They've started. Here, Walter, put it
on that plate with F on it.

With F on it?
Yes.

Walter!

Run out of self-raising, did they?
Oh, dear! That really is a rock cake!

Sid. Sid! What do you want me to do?

I don't want you to do anything.
I don't want you to touch anything.

I don't want you to speak to anybody.

I want you to stay well away.
Is that clear?

Perfectly, Sidney.
Good.

Very kind of you to agree
to be one of our judges, Mr. Mayor.

When I heard press were coming
I couldn't refuse.

Our celebrity judges have arrived
for the Funfrall Beauty Competition.

I think we ought to give them all
a very big welcome. Thank you.

[APPLAUSE TURNS TO JEERING]

I regret to announce that
the celebrity compere hasn't arrived.

[JEERING]

Eh? So I'll do it.

[GROANING]

Walter!

[WOLF-WHISTLING]

I've got all these girls here now who
are trying to win this coveted title.

We'll have the first girl, please.
We'll have you.

What is your name?

[GIGGLES]

It says here you're from Birmingham.

Don't they speak there?
What are your hobbies?

All the time?

Big round of applause for our
first girl. Back to your place, love.

Could we have the next girl, please?
Ooh, that one! Come on.

Are you a friend of hers?
Yes.

Can't win them all, can you?

What's your name?
Glad.

I didn't ask what you were,
I asked your name.

Glad.

FRED: Where do you live?
GLAD: Birmingham.

FRED: And what's your hobbies?
GLAD: Well, I like to ride...horses.

Very good! Back to your place.
Big clap for this girl, thank you.

Have you next, love, thank you.
Have you next, please.

Stop gassing. Come on, love.

Oh, you've had a bit of sun, have you?

As well as.

What's your name?

Blackbird.

FRED:
What's the other one called?

What's your hobbies?

What do you think you're doing?

No, it was the little thing...

No, it was...the little...

TIMMY: Down in the forest, something
stirred. The jungle tom-toms spoke.

Some deep, primitive force, half as
old as time, was guiding her towards me,

like an angry black pudding on legs.

Hello.

[MIXED GASPS AND AMUSEMENT]

[♪♪♪]

SID:
Please! Please!

Mr. Mayor, I hope you won't let
this little incident spoil your day.

Oh, Lionel, you are magnifique!
I'm a devil when I'm aroused, dear.

Bonjour! I think
you have come over a little queer.

No, I think I've just given it up.

Sid! Sid! Over here!

SID: Timmo!
TIMMY: Sid!

Oh, brains, you berk. Couldn't you get
anything better than this?

It's all I could find! Come on, get on!

That's it, pedal! We're going
that way, not that way!

SID:
Get some speed up!

TIMMY: Where are they, Sid?
SID: Look out!

TIMMY: Go faster, Sid!
SID: They're gaining!

This way!

Move those short, hairy, bloody legs!

That way!

TIMMY: Sorry, Sid!
SID: You...

TIMMY: Well, there you go.

You don't have to shove more than half a dozen custard
pies down my Y-fronts before I can take a hint.

Time to look for a new career
opportunity. No, seriously.

We've got to find something more suited
to our talents. Brain surgery, maybe.

Or plumbing, perhaps. I've been a bit
worried about my plumbing lately.

WOMAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]: Could I have your
attention, please? A little boy has been found.

He answers to the name of Willy. He's
wearing a blue T-shirt and red trunks.

Will his daddy please come
and collect his little Willy!