Comic Book Junkies (2020) - full transcript

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("Hall of the Mountain King")

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(coughs)

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- I finally got Comic-Con tickets.

I can't believe it.

Jethro, my man,

you've done it! (laughs)

This is gonna be my first time ever.

I can even take Pam.

Boy, (rubs hands together)
this is great news.

Oh, but I've got even better news.

I finally found a guy
to take out my kidney.

Guy should be on his way here pretty soon.

(laughs)

I got tickets to Comic-Con.



I can't believe it.

Oh, I gotta go.
I gotta go fill my bathtub with ice.

Comic-Con!

- So my boyfriend finally got us
tickets to Comic-Con!

Yes, he's my boyfriend now.

I have a certain type.

I only find guys attractive
who have tickets to Comic-Con.

New York Comic Con,

Baltimore Comic-Con.

Great Comic-Con at Abu Dhabi.

(slurps from straw)

Comic Con in Michigan.

Anyways,

I once dated a guy who had tickets to
Rhode Island Comic Con,

and let me tell you,

that is definitely not the smallest state.

So my sister makes some fun of me,
it's okay.

But...

Jethro and I have tickets
to San Diego 2020!

And who knows?

This might be love.
(clears throat)

(coughs)

- My sister's taking me to Comic-Con,

with her makeshift boyfriend, Jethro.

I'm only going because
I've never been to San Diego.

And I'm a huge Walking Dead fan.

It's the funniest show on television,

next to Westworld.

Anyhow, when she told us at Thanksgiving,

she made Jethro buy me a ticket.

I was so excited.

My boyfriend, Swift, however,
wasn't, but whatever.

I was gonna dump him anyway.

Hell, maybe I'll find some
pimple-faced hottie while I'm there.

One never knows.

(startles awake)

(grunts)

(coughs)

- Hey, this is Swift.

Comin' at ya from my mom's basement.

So, my girlfriend is cheating on me,

with a comic-book-reading,

cosplay-wearing son of a jerk.

Listen, I worked hard for all this, okay?

See this?

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do.

Okay?

It's not for sale!

(sighs deeply)

Where... where did I go wrong?

I've got to get her back.

I am nothing, I'm...

a shell,

inside another shell,

inside a...

a macaroni shell?

I need to find the geekiest,

smelliest person I know.

I know!

Byron!

- Well, uh, a comic book can be anything.

Uh, it could be a humor publication,

it could be dramatic,

it could be science fiction
or about magic.

Uh, or about elves.

Uh, I love comic books.

Every year I go to
San Diego for Comic-Con.

And let me tell you,
it's a dream come true.

Uh, there's this guy, uh, Swift.

He wants me to teach him to be more geeky.

Uh, he used to give me wedgies.

Painful wedgies.

But, the tides have turned.

I even have a girlfriend.

- Hi!

I'm Byron's girlfriend, Susie.

(giggles awkwardly)

I-I'm Susie.

Um, sorry,
I've never been on camera before.

(laughs nervously)

Uh, I love comics,

and this year is going to be
my first Comic-Con ever!

Byron got me Comic-Con tickets
for Christmas.

I got him a blender
from the Salvation Army.

It was two dollars!
(giggles awkwardly)

I think I'm into girls.

I met this girl from San Diego,

and we're gonna hook up

while Byron's at the Animaniacs panel.

(giggles awkwardly)

(gasps)
Wait.

He's not gonna see this, is he?

- I met a girl on the internet.

I think I'm in love.

I imagine she smells like strawberries

mixed with Ben & Jerry's

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream.

It's a very specific smell.

The only downside?

(sighs) She's a comic book geek.

She's coming to San Diego this summer,

for Comic-Con 2020.

(sighs)

She's so cute, though.

(sighs) I can't stand comic book people!

Every summer, they descend
upon San Diego like a

swarm of pre-pubescent locusts looking to

score a plush doll?

She's, like, real neat.

But...

But I... I think I love her.

Anyway,

it's New Year's Eve.

It's time to say goodbye to 2019.

Oh, it's 2020 in ten,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one. H...

- My roommate hates me
because I am a comic book fan.

Yeah, she does.

One night, while I was sleeping,

she took my Superman figure
from the mantle and tore it apart

and taped it to the fridge.

It had a note on it that said:
"You're next."

She denied it.

I can never prove it was her,
so I dropped it.

Of course, we are the only two people
living in this apartment,

so unless it's my hamster Mr. Crinkles,

I'm blaming her.

Comic-Con's coming those nights,

and let me tell you how excited I am.

This will mark my 20th year.

21st if you count the time

I was in my mother's stomach as a zygote.

That's right, my mama and papa
went to Comic-Con.

Whole family did, in fact.

Even my sister, Lynn.

She hates comic books.

Except Batman.

She absolutely loves Batman.

- Shoom! (laughs)

Batman was created by
Bill Finger and Bob Kane.

He's one of the most relatable
characters in history.

Mostly because, if you work hard enough,

you could actually be Batman.

It's haveable.

I mean, he has a kind of attitude, and

honestly probably should've
never gone into crime-fighting

and given everyone, like, a million bucks.

Kinda short-sighted, but...

that costume!

Oh, I mean, it's sexy as...

- What's my name?

You know my name.

I am vengeance.

I am the night.

I am... Batman!

Do I like wearing the suit?

Sometimes.

It does chafe sometimes, to be honest.

And I got some itching in the
lower back area, but...

but I take it!

Like a superhero.

They ask me,

"Does it get lonely on patrol?"

Yeah, yeah, I get lonely.

Those long nights by yourself.

That's why I hired a live-in partner...

in crime.

Wait, wait, uh, that came out wrong.

Is that a Superman hat you're wearing?

Do you like Superman better than me?

Are you going to leave me for Clark?

- Really, red, white and blue
underwear, Batman?

His Fortress of Solitude is so much bigger

than the Batcave.

- That hurts, Robin.

Well, we... we have time for
one more question.

That's right, uh...

Oh, how do I go to the bathroom
in the costume?

Well, uh, (chuckles) let me tell you.

I don't.

- You have to love superheroes.

They bring people together.

Conventions are a big celebration

with like-minded individuals.

So we can all connect,
and it's a beautiful thing.

All these people and nobody's fighting.

They're all just getting along.

You know, I met my husband
at a convention.

He likes to dress as Aquaman.

- Uh, hello?

- He looks hot in his Aquaman outfit,

but honestly,

I would love it if he dressed
as Felix the Cat.

Hmm.

Yeah, rock that Felix outfit.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

- My wife wants me to cosplay
as Felix the Cat.

She bought me a furry costume
and black and white hair dye.

I'm not doin' it, I'm a man.

I'm not, you know, a cat.

Can you imagine it?

Oh, man.

You know, what would I be doin', like,

slinking around the house?

It's like, I don't even know Felix the Cat,

I don't know what he does.

(sighs)

It'd be like...

I don't know, I'd need to hire a

drama coach or something.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, god.

I'm gonna have to do it.

- My coworker put pictures of himself
dressed up like Felix the Cat online,

and they were pretty good.

I gotta admit,

they were better than those jokers
that was in that Cats film.

I don't know what that film was about,

but after we watched it,

suddenly my husband wants to have kids.

I guess I'll be seeing my coworker
at this year's Comic-Con.

My husband has been wanting to go

for ten years.

He did some unsavory things
to get those tickets.

And I let him, dammit!

(sobs) I let him, and it caused a rift.

Oh my god.

What have I done?

(Miranda sobs)
- I signed up for a buying group.

People who buy tickets to the Comic-Con.

And that is when my life went to hell.

I found myself delivering packaging,

being questioned by the NSA, the CIA,

the NBA, the ASPCA, and NASA.

It hasn't been a good time.

But by gum, I scored Comic-Con tickets.

That's right,

I also had to...

donate a kidney?

(alarm blares)

- (Announcer) Remember, kids,

selling your kidney on the black market

does not guarantee you Comic-Con tickets.

But it might. Yeah.

- (Roger voiceover) Don't tell my wife.

She thought I was on a business trip.

- I'm the leader of an
internet buying group for Comic-Con.

I have the fastest computer
processors at my disposal.

I work a job that allows me
to use the processors.

I won't say what it is,

but I work for the government.

I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with P.I. Day.

I love puzzles.

Anyhow, I have to go to
Comic-Con every year.

It's a passion of mine.

It's a passion of my brother's too.

He too works for the CIA.

- Yeah, my sister and I work for the CIA.

We just abuse our power every year
to get tickets to Comic-Con.

I mean, who's gonna stop us?

We'd be the first people
to investigate it.

Who's really gonna tell on us?
(scoffs)

Nobody.

Hey, did you, um...

did you hear about this virus
over in China?

Yeah, my wife keeps talkin' about it, bro.

For whatever reason,

there's, like, mass hysteria
with the media.

They keep saying it's not if, it's when,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm just tired of hearin' about it
at this point.

Yeah, man, I mean, they'll,
they'll figure it out.

Hey listen, actually, I gotta go,
I'm on the clock,

but I just found this website, right,

they have a ton of
illegally-downloaded movies.

If I sell them,
I can flip it for a profit.

I do that too.

Power's pretty sweet sometimes,
dude, I really gotta say.

You gotta get a federal agent job.

Pay's not great, but

I mean, you find other ways to make money.

It's some pretty sick perks.

Is that thing on?

Oh, sh...

- There's this virus that's
wreaking havoc in China, and...

(sighs)

I'm watching on the news,
and I'm terrified of it.

I know it's only the end of January, but

if I don't get my chance
to meet Tom Hiddleston

and tell him how much I love him, (kiss)

then I'm going to kidnap him,

and I'm gonna make him wear
the Loki outfit from the Avengers films.

I found this costume online.

Yeah, it's his size.

I bribed his assistant.

And then, I'm gonna make him dinner,

and I'm going to wear that nice dress
my best friend made for me.

And he better tell me
how pretty I look in it.

(sighs) So, yeah.

This Comic-Con has got to happen.

'Cause I need my Tom Hiddleston sandwich.

His Asgard is mine.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I hope my husband has a good time too.

- Yeah, my friend Cindy is

really obsessed with Tom Hiddleston.

Like, really obsessed.

I mean, she sat through
the Hank Williams biopic

I Saw the Light.

That's obsession.

Tom Hiddleston hasn't even
sat through that picture.

Anyway, she's going to Comic-Con
in San Diego this year.

Large crowds,

sweaty, unwashed people.

Not my thing.

Well, not my simple husband.

(sighs) Oh, Stanley.

Still, I wonder,

what is it like?

Is it true that the streets of San Diego
are paved with gold?

I have heard there are
celebrities everywhere,

as far as the eye can see.

And fun, and deals,

and events, and panels, and swag,

and all sorts of art
and artists and writers,

and it's all leaving me
to make one simple decision,

and that is, I am getting a divorce.

- So, my wife wants a divorce.

I've been nothing but accommodating.

I got her Comic-Con tickets.

I even got her a VIP

picture with some guy named
Tom Hiddleschmuck.

I think he plays
Captain Universe or some crap.

My wife showed me some pictures of him,

and I did a little bit of
online research myself, I mean...

I gotta say, while I'm totally straight,

there's somethin' about that
Hiddleschmuck guy.

Ooh, those gorgeous eyes,
that devilish smile. (laughs)

You know what I'm talkin' about.

That incredible ass!

Now, I'm not gonna mince words.

I'd like to get him pregnant.

I wanna be his Asgardian,
if you know what I mean.

But what do you get a Hiddleschmuck
when you want to marry one?

An Infinity Gauntlet.

Does an Infinity Gauntlet
mean you're, like, engaged?

I don't know.

But I do know
that I'm taking the pic op for myself.

Romance is in the air,

and Happy Valentine's Day to me.

- Hmm.

Well, you can't fix stupid.

I had a friend of mine who had a saying:

Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed.

That guy,

that palooka,

he is one such person.

(chuckles)

Oh, well.

Back to the drawing board.

I got worlds to create.

Hmm.

- We're goin' to Comic-Con!

I'm so excited,
I am a huge Jack Kirby fan.

My boyfriend got me into this stuff.

Jack Kirby is the king of comics.

All this Marvel stuff? That's him.

Anyone who says Stan Lee
created it by himself,

they can go pound sand.

Don't get me wrong,

Stan Lee's a great guy,

he deserves his place
in the history of comics,

but Kirby is the backbone,

the foundation.

It all came from his pencil.

It's crazy what you can do with a pencil.

Draw, write, create.

Create history.

Creation is everything.

- It's Valentine's Day!

I'm surprising my girlfriend with

Emerald City Comic Con
and WonderCon tickets.

She says she's going to buy me
masks for Valentine's Day.

Ha, ha, she's such a kidder.

She's a nurse.

Nurse humor, I guess.

Anyway, we're going to start
the Marvel movies from the beginning,

starting with Captain America.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not the recent one.

I'm talking about the 1944
Republic Pictures one.

And we are doing everything,

even Howard the Duck.

Especially Howard the Duck.

The only Marvel movie
that almost turned me straight.

(sighs) Quack, quack.

(sighs)

- Yeah, so,

I got my girlfriend masks
for Valentine's Day.

I don't really do romantic gifts.

(chuckles)

Like, this one year,

I got my ex-girlfriend

a whisk for her birthday.

I mean, who doesn't love a whisk?

Well...

she whisked me away.

(scoffs)

Yeah, so, uh...(sighs)

I'm not really good at jokes, either.

So...

my girlfriend thinks that going to
Comic Cons will lighten me up.

(scoffs)

But, see...

I've been watching the news,

and there's somethin' headed this way.

Somethin'...

none of us have seen in our lifetimes.

So, yeah.

I... I bought her masks.

If a virus wasn't headed this way,

it'd be toilet paper.

See?

Usin' my brain.

Masks are gonna become scarce,

but toilet paper?

It's forever.

- Comic book history is gonna end,

at least for a little bit.

Don't believe me?

America just reported
its first case of Coronavirus,

and they're already talking about
canceling Emerald City Comic Con.

If that happens, WonderCon's gonna follow.

And if they don't get this taken care of,

San Diego Comic-Con will be canceled,

mark my words.

I've already got my cosplay
picked out for it.

I'm gonna be a War Boy
from Mad Max: Fury Road,

except for real.

'Cause the world is goin' to hell!

(shirt rips)
What a day!

What a lovely day!
(laughs maniacally)

- They canceled Emerald City Comic Con.

What is happening?!

I had so many things planned.

I finally ponied up the money

to get a photo with Mark Ruffalo.

You know, the Hulk?

No, not Lou Ferrigno, what?

(laughs) No, not... not Ed Norton.

No, not... Eric Bana?

No, no, no.

You know, the Hulk.

Not Michael... Michael Keaton?

(sighs) The Hulk.

Mark Ruffalo, you know, he's like...

earthy and... and farts granola!

Yes, him!

(sighs)

Now I'm gonna have to stay home
with my roommate, Karen,

and she's gloating about the cancellation.

She's just acting like...

She's acting like a Karen!

- I'm glad they canceled
Emerald City Comic Con.

My roommate, Lisa,

she was s'posed to go.

But alas, they canceled it.

Good, is what I say.

I hate comic books.

I make my boyfriend hate comic books.

What I do like

is water polo!

I love water polo!

This Coronavirus

better not cancel water polo.

I swear to God,

if water polo gets canceled,

I'm gonna have to speak
to the Coronavirus manager!

I will sue Wuhan.

I swear,

I will sue China!

And if Ireland doesn't watch out,

they'll be next.

I'll sue,

and I'll get that Barney Rubble Stone,

and I'll put it on my front porch,

and y'all can come to my house

and kiss it.

Y'all can come and kiss my grits.

I'm hungry.

Hmm.

Maybe I'm pregnant.

- I secretly buy comics.

My family, my friends,

my wife doesn't even know.

I bought a storage locker,

and every Saturday morning,
instead of work,

I go to the storage locker

and read the week's comics.

I'm so sad.

I bought a ticket to San Diego,
only a Thursday pass,

but they just canceled
Emerald City Comic Con.

Can WonderCon be next?

I hope not.

If that happens, San Diego is next,

and if that happens,
San Diego will be canceled,

and then I'll never be able

to become best friends with Joss Whedon

and tell him why Alien Resurrection
is clearly the best in the series,

and Firefly will never come back.

It's just, it's, it's too much,

too much for me to think, too much...

(sighs) My anxiety.

I think I need more TP.

- They canceled WonderCon.

I'm in shock.

Things are looking dark.

Like, Robert Pattinson as Batman dark.

Did you see the first footage they showed?

Like, turn on a light.

Didn't that guy sparkle
in a movie or something?

(sighs) San Diego's next.

We all know this.

Coronavirus can't be stopped.

It's like when Seth Rogen did that

Green Hornet movie.

You can't stop it from coming out,

but you get free movie passes,
and you're, like,

"Okay, sure.

Seth Rogen was okay
in Knocked Up."

And then you watch the movie.

And then, suddenly, you can't have kids.

You tell yourself it's not
because of the Green Hornet movie,

but deep down, you know it is.

And then you spiral down.

It's been interesting.

You wake up every morning,

you see dead people.

You, uh...(chuckles sadly)

can suddenly read minds?

And deep down,

deep down, you know what's next.

- They're going to cancel
San Diego Comic-Con?

I don't believe it.

It's like my summer vacation,

it's the only time I leave the house.

I still don't bathe when I go, though.

(chuckles) Why would I?
(laughs loudly)

Eat my stench!

It's been developing a nice...

personal musk all year round, too.

(sighs) You'll know when I'm coming.
(chuckles)

Plants, trees,

they all die. (laughs)

Ooh!

(sighs) Anyway,

They're... they're canceling
Comic-Con, and

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

(crunching)

(ominous pulsing beat)

("Ossuary 3 - Words" by Kevin MacLeod)

(digital beeping and whirring)

(dial-up tone)

(rubs hands together)
(dial-up connects)

- Come on!

(dial-up tone stops)
- You've got mail.

- It's about time!

(sighs)

(mouse clicks)

Badges?

I don't need no stinking badges!

Bah!

(sighs)

Hello there!

I'm Stan.

And now I understand that
some of you are a little disappointed

that the San Diego Comic-Con
has been canceled.

Well all I can say is, tough!

Back when I was a kid,
back when I started,

there was no Comic-Con.

So welcome to post-war America,
circa 1949.

But seriously,

the comic book industry
has always had its naysayers.

The comics have always had
their ups and downs,

their ebbs and flows,

and always come through on the other side.

You think this pandemic is bad,

then you've never heard of the book

The Seduction of the Innocent,

written by this madman,

Dr. Fredric Wertham.

If comics can survive that,

they can survive anything.

Comics will be back.

Conventions will return.

And what we need you to do

is to be ready for when that time comes,

and to take care of yourselves,
and each other.

Because remember what
Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker:

With great power

comes great responsibility.

Excelsior!

- So...

my friends and I are dressin' up
as the Birds of Prey

for Comic-Con weekend.

Obviously,

it is nowhere near the
canceled Comic-Con weekend, but

I'm still gettin' into character.

I am supposed to be the wonderful,

amazing, perfect Harley Quinn.

So, last night, I did some looting.

That's right.

I stole my ex-boyfriend Jason's car
while he was sleeping.

And then,

I ran it right through
his new girlfriend's house.

She cosplays as Harley Quinn too.

Has her own website, even.

He cosplayed as the Joker for her.

Never did that for me.

It's all right, it's all right.

'Cause you know what?

I'm talkin' to this new guy.

He cosplays as Thor.

Wrong universe, I know, I know.

But, it's okay.

'Cause he's got quite a sizable

hammer, if you know what I mean.

God of thunder, indeed.

- Oh, god.

Oh no, uh...

I think I'm in love.

And my cosplay sucks.

I'm not Thor.

I'm, like, the anti-Thor.

I mean, look at her.

She's beautiful.

She makes a wonderful Harley Quinn.

Yeah, I know she's from DC
and I'm a Marvel character, but

I'm willing to tamper the bloodlines.

You know, cross-contaminate,
if you will. (chuckles)

We met on the Facebook page, um,

on one of the announcements
where they canceled.

We both commented,

making jokes, and well,

we started talking.

She's lovely.

You know, I never thought
anyone could love me.

Yeah.

I really wanted to go to San Diego
for the convention,

but now?

Something else has happened, and...

and made me even happier.

- So, yeah.

I am in love with a comic book geek.

And that's okay, you know?

I mean, I am one too.

And I am a junkie.

I am a comic book junkie.
(bubble sound effect)

And that's okay too, you know?

I mean, my whole family is.

My dad? Yeah.

He's one of those guys,

who knows every word

to every Star Wars film.

Except for The Last Jedi.

Yeah, he weeps whenever anyone
mentions the movie title,

we aren't allowed to say
the movie title in the house.

Okay, confession?

I actually think it's
the best Star Wars film

of all of them.

Sue me.

So, yeah.

I am in love with a comic book geek.

I know we're in a pandemic, but

suddenly my life is more amazing than

I thought it could ever possibly be.

- I am going to kill the boy
who is dating my daughter.

Oh, I don't know who he is,

but I know he's a comic book geek.

And I know how these jokers operate.

I know how they think.

How?

Because I cosplay as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I've seen Star Wars 425 times,

and that's just Episode IV.

I know all about how to use the Force
and Jedi mind tricks.

(sighs deeply)

No.
(typing)

No, I am not gonna say it.

Absolutely not.

I'm focused on getting the guy
who is dating my daughter.

Stay on target.

Absolutely not gonna say it.
(typing)

What am I,

Princess Leia performing
for Jabba the Hutt?

"Say the line, Richard, say the line."

No.

I'm absolutely not going to say it.

(sighs) Fine.

Use the Force, Luke.

There. You happy?

Princess Leia performin' for you.

Christ, I've got enough to worry about.

This little scruffy
Nerf herder from Newark is

trying to impregnate my daughter!

I've got shpilkes!

- My superhero career ended
when I got pregnant.

Some people just put on masks and cosplay,

but there are real superheroes out there,

and I met them all on a Facebook page.

And at night I would put on my mask,

and we'd go out and fight crime.

But then I got pregnant with her, and

that's when everything changed.
(baby coos)

Please, you have to help me.

This toddler is not a toddler, she...

she's an evil warlord

bent on destroying the world
when she turns 18.

Please, you have to believe me, she...

she's in my mind, she...
she's in my...

- My wife was taking the
superhero thing a little far.

Until she got pregnant.

And then she got pregnant again.

And now,

all her dreams have been dashed.

Now while she's taking care of the kids,

I shall enact my evil plan

to make a weather device
to control the weather.

I shall be called Meteorologist Man.

And all the world's nations
will drop to their knees.

They'll kneel like I'm Zod in Superman II.

And I in turn shall kneel.

I will kneel like I work in a theater
and Abraham Lincoln just came in.

I don't know what that means,

but it sounds hot.

Wait.

Why is my infant daughter

floating in the air with glowing red eyes?

Oh, no.

- I like dressing up in costume.

I go to Comic Cons,

kinda hang out in that world.

But something changed.

I figured it out.

When we were all buying tickets
to this year's canceled Comic-Con,

reality splintered.

And it took me some time,

but I figured it out.

We ended up in a different universe.

The... the other side of the mirror.

Where were you at this time last year?

It was different.

The universe has fallen down a black hole,

and something is keeping us here.

Or someone.

I see you.

I know you're watching me,

right now.

Your eyes are on me,

deconstructing me,

studying,

waiting for your moment.

(microphone jostles around)
(frightened gasps)

I'm trying to...

You're what we've been
reading about all this time.

A villian.

You see me.

You are making me fade.

Fade from reality.

It's okay.

I found you.

Others will too.

(typing)
- Got an email this morning

from a girl who claims that Earth

has been put into another reality.

(continues typing as he speaks)
Sounded insane.

So I started to read it.

She sent it to a bunch of people
who cosplay.

People who dress up as heroes.

Some of the people
in the community laughed.

"Yeah, I'm sure Darkseid
is trying to take over the Earth."

Or, "Oh yeah, if Galactus shows up,

make him some mozzarella sticks."

The girl who sent the email

was never seen again.

She vanished.

Think whomever did this
might've killed her.

(pauses typing)
It's not Darkseid.

It's not Galactus,

or Doctor Doom,

or Elon Musk.

(chuckles) Though I did look into him.

This is something

we have never encountered.

(glasses snap closed)

And it's up to us,

the cosplayers.

(sighs deeply)
I'm scared.

I am really scared.

(resumes typing)

But you know what?

Nobody (bleep) with the human race.

- So there's chatter in the
cosplay community,

that, uh...

there's a villian behind all of this.

That we fell into some sort of black hole.

But...

I woke up this morning,

put on a fresh pair of underwear,

did some Pilates,

then I put on this fine outfit.

That's right, Star-Lord.

My wife got it for me 'cause she likes it.

Then she really liked it.

And then she (cackles) really liked it.

Now, we have four kids.

Guess you could say, uh...

my galaxy didn't need any guardians.

She's a Browncoat.

I'm an interplanetary policeman.

We make it work.

(clicks tongue)
- Firefly is going to come back.

I know it.

Never give up hope.

We need the almighty Nathan Fillion

to step into the role of
Mal Reynolds once again.

Captain Tight Pants needs to come back.

I know it's been... what? 17 years.

People keep telling me I should give up.

But when you give up, you die.

And I can't die.

I know we are all trapped

in this alternate dimension right now.

This timeline cannot be real.

I know things look bleak.

But we Browncoats keep going.

When you can't run anymore, you crawl,

and when you can't crawl,

when you can't do that,

you find someone to carry you.

We will get out of this,

I know it.

Just like I know

that Firefly is going to come back.

You just have to...
- Believe.

Believe we fell into a black hole,

and we have to find our way back.

For years, I worked at a supermarket.

I dealt with our customers, or,

as I called them, the yagabooboos.

But now, the yagabooboos need
something else.

They need someone else.

I need to become
what I avoided my entire life,

but what every Avengers movie
told me I should be.

A hero.

I've lived alone, you see,

alone except for my butler, Jacques.

My parents were killed when I was younger,

by murder hornets.

No one believed me.

Nobody believed they were real.

But they're like Pennywise,

except they come back every 25 years.

But this time,

this time, I'm ready.

I've made a costume with my
super sewing skills,

and I will become that which
murdered my mummy and daddy.

(glass clinks on table)
Ugh, Christ.

(sighs)

I think I just had an emotion.

Criminals are a superstitious
and a cowardly lot.

They're a nuisance,

a pest to be eradicated.

And so, I shall become...

the Murder Hornet.

And this Murder Hornet
will murder murder hornets.

Prepare to feel my prick...

(sword scrapes against sheath)

of justice!

(small pop)

- I was driving in the rain tonight,

dark road.

I was going to my mother's.

I was the only one on the road.

It was just past midnight.

And then, I saw him,

in the distance.

He is hard to miss.

He just appeared.

I drove closer.

I wasn't gonna pick him up.

Too dangerous.

But as I drove closer,

I saw that he had his head down.

And I was ready to pass him,

and as I looked up,

I saw his face.

It was a creature,

a devil, an alien, inhuman,

something dark.

The darkest thing I ever seen.

- I saw him.

He came to my house late at night.

I was asleep.

It started raining, lightning.

I woke up,

and every lightning strike,
he grew closer.

He sat by my bedside,

in the chair.

In my grandmother's rocking chair.

He sat there, staring.

I was paralyzed.

Terror.

(shaky breath) And then,
one last lightning strike,

he was gone.

I knew.

I knew he was the one responsible.

- I am a pretty positive guy.

And my whole family is.

That's why I am pretty positive
that there is evil coming.

(chuckles) Whoo! Yeah!

It's also why I am teaching my kids
how to do kung fu.

They're getting pretty good at it.

Only a few injuries.

Uh, well, one of my kids
did lose a permanent tooth.

The dentist won't see us anymore,
but, you know

I think it's okay, it's gonna grow back.

Yeah, he took a
Choku Zuki right to the face.

But you have to break a few teeth
to make an omelet.

God, I love my kids.

We are becoming a fighting unit,

and we will survive this.

We will survive! (cackles)

- Hello, humans,
and to all in the animal kingdom,

this is your demise!

You have met your new owners.

Prepare to fight!

You have fallen down
this black hole with us,

and now my commander (laughs)

shall take over, (laughs)

and nothing (laughs louder)

can save you. (laughs)

Not even David Caruso can save you.

So wh... (laughs hysterically)

Why am I laughing?

(laughs) Can't... can't stop!

(laughs) My three hearts...

(laughs) They're giving out!

(laughs uncontrollably)

(crash)
(cat yowls)

- The world is in danger, Lois.

- It is, Clark.

- And I must go out and save it.

- Not before you take out
the garbage, Ron.

- Um, my name is Clark.

- Sure it is, honey.

Listen,

I go along with this cosplay thing

because you say you, um, "need it,"

but that means I get something too.
- Hmm?

- And I'm gonna need you
to take out the garbage.

- (groans) Garbage is my kryptonite!

(groans in pain)
- Yeah?

Well, my kryptonite is when you
pee and miss the bowl.

That's one of the reasons
you're on the couch.

- Uh, you mean the Fortress of Solitude!

- Right.

- Our bond will not be weakened by this.

- Look.

I'm in love with someone else.

- What?!

Who is it?

Lex Luthor?

- No, it's Captain America.

- Wait, wha...?

You're leaving me
for someone in the Marvel universe?

(Lois sighs)

Ugh.
(Bucky sighs)

- Yeah, so what?

I'm seein' a woman
that dresses up as Lois Lane.

So?

I dated a girl that cosplayed
Peggy Carter, but you know,

we... we weren't compatible.

And I dated Marvel women my entire life.

I wanted to spice it up a bit,

try a DC girl.

And who knows?

Maybe I'll try an Image girl
if this doesn't work out,

or... or a Valiant girl.

Or maybe even a girl from Dark Horse.

In real life, I work 12 hours a week
at Dollar Tree.

It's so... different when I dress up.

My mom...(chuckles)

my mom bought me this outfit.

She thought it would give me confidence,

and it did.

She also bought me my codpiece.

That was kinda weird.

- My mom helped me
put this costume together.

Peg Bundy, Married with Children.

I just never got the chance to wear it.

So, what better time
than the present, right?

I don't know how Peggy's
gonna save the world, but...

I'm scared.

I wish I knew where planet Earth was,

or when.

I wish this wasn't happening.

But, most of all?

I wish Al was here.

I know, he's only a
fictional character, but

it would be nice,

even to have a fictional character
as a companion.

(chip bag rustles)

Al!

- Companionship is important.

- The days may be getting darker,

but if you find the right person,

you can make yourself
a little bit of light.

- She's talkin' about me.

- Sure I am.

- I know you are.

- Who else could I be talkin' about?

- Nobody. Just me.

- Keep telling yourself that.

- This woman is obsessed with me.

- Who wouldn't be?

- Who, indeed.

- (Both) Mwah!

- Yabba-dabba do!

- I figured out how to get the Earth
back to its proper place.

I made a Fix-Earth Device

out of motor oil, Tic Tacs and applesauce.

- Yeah, that sounds like
it'll work perfectly.

- Silence!

Just because I find you
suitably attractive

doesn't mean I need you to interrupt me.

But just you wait until later.

Hubba hubba.
- Uh, that's gross!

Summer is Rick's grandkid.

- Oh, I know, I just...
- You are so dumb!

You just, like, made me
wanna stick my head in an oven.

I can't believe I married you.
- No, no, no!

I've been practicing, watch.

We gotta get the flux capacitor
to 88 miles per hour.

- That's not even the right character!

- I'm nervous!

And when I get nervous, I cosplay weird.

- You are always weird.

If I had known I was gonna marry you

and we were going to live
in your mother's house,

I might've made different choices.

- She doesn't mean that, Ma!

Thin walls.

Now, can we just let this go?

Can we, can we start it
from scratch, from the top?

I-I promise, I'll be good.
(Alicia groans)

- Oh, okay.

- Splendid.

All right, here we go.
I'm Rick, and you're Autumn.

- Summer!

My character's name is Summer!

(Alicia chuckles sarcastically)
(Justin laughs nervously)

(both laugh louder)

- So, I tried cosplaying
for my woman and my daughter,

and they told me to invent a character.

And I think I finally got it!

I will be Raphael Franco, (stapler clicks)

the Acid Chipmunk! (laughs)

The Acid Chipmunk will...

will climb walls and stuff, and, uh,

and to maintain his strength,

the Acid Chipmunk will...
will have to

eat a faceful of nuts, you know, just
(stapler clicks)

get in there and lap it up
like a good little boy.

(laughs) Oh, man.
I am so good at this cosplay stuff.

(laughs) I should be...

a cosplay whisperer!
(laughs maniacally)

Oh!

Why am I lactating?

I don't know, I'm just gonna go with it!

(laughs)

(laughter turns to sobs)

- I've always wanted to cosplay,

but there's only one character
I've ever really wanted to be.

But, for many years,

I let society bring me down.

I was embarrassed from my desires.

And then, the world ended.

Earth as we know it

has disappeared into a black hole,

or someone's hole.

And for me?

Well, now I have to grow
my own vegetables.

But I am going to become

who I always wanted to become.

By crumb, I'm going to cosplay
as Conan the Barbarian!

Yeah! Take that, evil people!

I wield my sword with a mighty hammer!

And ladies,

you better watch out.

Conan is lookin' for you.

And, he only has two
restraining orders on him,

this year.

Yeah!

- The guy next door's been
botherin' me lately.

He's been running around naked
with nothing but a crown on,

calling himself Conan.

Buddy, you are no Conan.

You're just a dude

who should really be hoping
for warmer weather.

Or, who wants to get a tan

to turn that two-pack into a six-pack.

That's not how that works?

You can look that up,
I know you have the internet.

And I am not going to your house

to see your "replica sword collection,"

because I have a
sword collection of my own,

and I can actually use them.

Six feet is not far enough away from you.

Besides, we have more important
things to worry about

than The Emperor's New Clothes.

Such as how to defeat him.

- I am catching strange radio signals
on my Pulse helmet.

Strange things.

Messages about invading the planet.

Ugh! Oh!

The person barking these orders
sure has one heck of a voice.

Sounds like my ex-wife.

It is.

Great!

I just paid off my student loans
from 30 years ago,

and now the Earth is being invaded
by my ex-wife.

Great! Perfect!

(sighs) I still love her.

Why did she have to go and become
an evil galactic war queen?

- My ex-boyfriend thinks
I'm an alien war queen.

Truth is, I met my soulmate.

And so I left my ex-boyfriend.

- And I'm her soulmate.

We met at a monster truck rally.

I was drivin' a monster truck.

Vroom, vroom!
(Cher giggles)

- I saw him from afar.

He was crushin' cars.

Let me tell ya,

cars ain't the only thing
he crushed that day!

- That's right.

We fell in L-O-V-E.

And now, we do everything together.

- That's right, everythin'.

We even got duelin' toilets!
(chuckles)

- It's a toilet that has two seats

so you can be with your loved one
at your most precious moments.

They're called "duelin' toilets" 'cause
everything in life is a competition.

Ain't that right, Cher?

- That's right, Sonny.

I am Cher,

and he is Sonny Bono.

And we don't care about social distancin'!

We're goin' out!

- That's right, Cher.

Sonny Bono is a-goin' skiin'.

And Cher? I love your hair like that.
(Cher gasps)

Come on, let's go.
- Oh, Sonny!

- Schwing!

- An invasion is coming,

and there is a way out of this.

There's an artifact that can save us all,

and I need to be the one to find it.

I need to be like Nicolas Cage
in National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

Okay, gotta go, no time to waste.

Gotta move fast, and for one reason only:

to save the world.

- My master is here on Earth.

He's been here for a long time.

And nobody knows who he is.

He's already shown his will.

That is why we are here.

That is why we are lost in space,

hurtling towards oblivion.

And when my master strikes next,

the world will be doomed!
(evil laugh)

He's giving me Australia.

And I shall turn Australia into a non-stop

Coachella and Burning Man party!
(evil laugh)

Half Coachella, half Burning Man,

all fun. (evil laugh)

And...

Oh, crap, my mom's home!

Crap, crap!

- So, uh...

things are gettin' pretty weird out there.

- The dead are rising from their graves.

- The dead are rising from their graves.

You know, I saw my high school
music teacher the other day.

- (Stacy) He's been dead for ten years.

- I know.

Choked on a Junior Mint
ten minutes before the spring concert.

(both laugh)
Looked like hell.

- I saw my great-great grandfather
just walkin' around out there.

He was wearin' a Confederate flag
and asked for the town of Deadwood.

- Is that...?

Is that our neighbor dressed like

Jason Voorhees
from the Friday the 13th movies?

Oh, yeah.

Look at 'im.

He's just, like, wavin' at us.

- I think he's kinda cute. (chuckles)

You think he'd make a good father?

- What kinda question is that?

- I don't know.

By the way...

I'm pregnant.

- The Earth is lost,

hurtling through time and space.

There are evil forces at play.

(sighs)

I remember.

I remember when they canceled
the San Diego Comic-Con.

It...(chuckles ironically)

it seems like so long ago now, I mean...

(sighs) I had it pretty good
before the virus hit, so...

Didn't know how good I had it, actually.

And then it hit.

I tried to keep together
as long as I could.

I mean, I did a really good job
of lyin' to myself.

But...(sighs)

we became trapped.

Trapped in our homes,

in our minds.

But lately?

(sighs deeply)

Lately I've been thinking like a prisoner.

And a prisoner
only thinks about one thing.

Escape.

- We have all become space explorers.

Intergalactic travelers.

Most of us think life is a funky journey.

It's not.

The truth is, we are all arriving
and departing at the same time.

Will we survive this?

We can.

To do so, we must all collectively
become something more than human.

We must become... superhuman.

Start creating your origin stories,

hone your abilities,

step outside yourself.

I have faith we will all be stars.

- I'm not from this Earth,

but I've been watching you for eons.

You're all really interesting.

You have so much work to do.

Like, so much work.

(dog whines)

What are some of you even doing?

You know who you are, too.

Stop that!

I don't like to talk, but,

my whole planet's laughing at you.

Especially Mongo.

That good-hearted son-of-a-gun,

he has a penetrating laugh.

Good guy. (giggles)

You're in a bit of trouble.

He's watching you.

The worst is coming.

Shhh!

You can get out of this.

Escape.

(dog pants)

- Do not listen to them.

This, my friends, is the end.

I am here to tell you

that my master has a plan.

I call it a master plan.

First, I take this dog,

and I put him into the
Atomic Plasma Redistributor.

Then, I turn the Earth's skies

blood red.

Then...

I raise my hand into the sky,

and I push the Earth forward

into its own inevitable demise.

The end of everything!

(evil laugh)

This is why you spend good quality time

with your children. (laughs)

Evil shall rule.

(evil laugh)

- This is it.

You've all lost.

(chuckles)

You feel terrible,

bad about yourself.

Everyone has abandoned you.

Your thoughts don't matter.

You don't matter.

You're on unemployment.

Your jobs have closed.

(evil laugh)

No more theater,

no more movies.

Everything you have
built your life towards,

is gone. (laughs)

Ah.

You're done.

Your life is invalidated.

My master has come for you.

Master Dark.

Accept his offering.

It is death.

No.

(chuckles) No more life.

No more Comic Cons.

No more dressing up.

Good doesn't always triumph over evil.

This?
(taps table)

This is the end.

(static)
- Hi, my name is April,

and I'm here to report the news.

The world has gone to hell,

faster than the last season
of Game of Thrones.

To recap, Planet Earth got put
into another dimension

and was pushed forward in time.

Great job, Earth heroes.

You all suck.

Except for the four guys
dressed as turtles

that are fighting out there.

Mmm.

These turtles are frickin' ninjas.

(sighs)

I volunteer as tribute to have each
of their babies.

401-876-7664.

I want a turtle baby.

Call or text me any time of night.

Oh, god.

Why is it so hot in here?

Hoo!

I haven't been this hot

since I learned that
former President Jimmy Carter

had a peanut farm.

Mmm.

I would have former President
Jimmy Carter's peanut baby, too.

Mmm.

Call me, Jimmy.

Ugh, mm, so yeah. The world.

Yeah, things are looking bad again.

Life is full of ups and downs,

and I know you're all hurting, but listen.

Pick yourself up.

You have the strength.

Take my hand.

You can do something no one else can do.

You can change the news for yourself.

Now, what will you decide?
(static)

- (Lone Hero voiceover) I get out of bed,

ready.

I shower, I brush my teeth.

I get funky fresh,

grab the yardsticks of justice,

and I ride.
(imitates motorcycle engine)

Everyone must social distance.

There is a man, a maskless man.

The maskless marauding menace
must be stopped!

And I will find him.
(imitates motorcycle engine)

I found him.

I see... those eyes,

that hair,

that peach fuzz.

(imitates saxophone music)
And so the seduction begins.

He seduces me.

I seduce him.

I become... pregnant.

We have a beautiful, bouncing baby boy.

(groans nervously)

Our love starts going downhill.

We become a modern family.

Why am I still playing the saxophone?

This isn't funny anymore.

What is going on?

Wait a second!

He's actually me?

He's been me the whole time?

Stop.
(saxophone imitation stops)

I don't understand what's...

(baby giggles)
(imitates motorcycle engine)

I gotta get outta here.

I gotta go, I gotta run!

- Hey! (giggles)

You're having a bad dream.

(gasps)
(heavy breathing)

(breathing slows)

- Oh just... just a dream.

(imitates helmet squeaking)
Thank god.

- (Ronny) Bonny's making us
patrol the neighborhood.

- Everybody's got to do their part.

I mean, this world is doomed and all, and

hurling into god knows what.

But every night, we dress up
and become vigilantes.

- After 20 minutes, I want to take a nap.

- That's why you gotta
pack the juice boxes.

- I do like a good juice box.

- We haven't stopped any real crimes.

- We did save that cat from that tree.

- And we did stop that guy
from breaking into the Klopeks'.

Turned out to be an Uber Eats driver.

Wear a name tag.

Is that so hard?

- You gotta wear a name tag.

This is suburbia.

Look, the marriage counselor said

we need to spend more activities together.

This costume's rising on my caboose.

I can't wait to take it off every night.

- I think it looks great.

It looks the hottest you've been in years.

- The costume stays on!

Mazel tov!

- There are others we run into sometimes.

A lot of times, we run into different guys
who think they're Spider-Man.

But they're all nuts.

- That's right.

I'm Spider-Man. Whoo!

Today I fought a guy,

looked like me, dressed like me,
might've been me.

I'll tell ya, if I ever see him again,

he's finished, life over.
(claps hands)

What, you mean Spider-Man doesn't kill?

Uh, you know what?
Spider-Man doesn't kill,

starting tomorrow.

Spider-Clone, I am coming for you.

- I wish that guy would stop
calling me Spider-Clone.

I'm a firefighter, for god sakes.

(sighs)
Every night we're called to his house

to get him out of the tree.

(scoffs)

You know, a lot of our calls
are cosplayers who get stuck in trees?

And other places.

One night,

we had to get Green Lantern
off a roof of a Tim Hortons.

(chuckles)

He was up there for 14 hours.

Darkest Night, or
whatever floats his boat, I guess.

(laughs)

- I killed someone tonight.

It wasn't my first.

(chuckles humorlessly)
Far from it.

(sighs) Who's the first person I killed?

A 12-year-old kid.

He was with his parents.

I did it right in front of them.

Well, his parents didn't really see it,

but, um, I just took my knife out,
(knife clicks open)

this knife,

and I just stabbed him right in the side

and walked away.

His parents were flippin' out, and

they didn't know why
their son was dying, but

I did.

(sips)

My only regret is not

taking something to

remember the experience by.

I mean, think of it as a visual cue.

Like...(sighs)

My mind just goes back
to that exact moment, like, uh...

music.

I can experience everything.

The whole thing, the...

the feelings, the...

the air.

You know, I think about

having all these keepsakes and just
laying them across my bed,

so I can lie next to them.

You know, I would love to just

have them, and I don't, and...

it's just something I get off on.

(chuckles)

(knife thunks on table)

(gun magazine clicks)

(gun cocks)

(sighs)

I mean, I... I honestly don't like guns.

(laughs) Honest, it's too messy.

But this one,

this one is mostly

to defend myself.

I mean,

look around you, I mean,
society is falling apart.

It's just a bunch of cosplayers just

runnin' around playin'
Batman and Robin, like, and...

you know, there are no heroes left.

And Batman never killed anybody.

He doesn't do what it takes.

I'll show them reality.

Man, I am just getting so sick

of the... the noise!

I really, really prefer quiet.

(places gun on table)

(sips drink)
(glass thunks on table)

(sighs)

And it's just not quiet yet, is it?

Is it?
- Yeah,

I punched the ginger in the face.

And I'm not even a violent person,
I don't believe in violence, okay?

Me? I'm a people person.

And I usually love gingers, also.

I was gonna become one once,

and then, you know,

the hair fell out, so...

Who's hungry?
I, you know, okay.

- This? This is it.

I'm no longer just a guy in a cosplay,

I'm a fully-functional superhero.

All those days of playing video games?

They're really gonna pay off.

Am I about to fly off into the sky?

Who knows? Maybe I'll die.

But my mom,

she's really gonna be proud of me.

I love you, Mom!
(suit clicks)

(mask clicks in place)

- Given our mission, Mr. Messenger,

we must defend the dam.

- Villians are trying to destroy it.

- Yes.

And some guy

dressed as Captain America,

who looked really authoritative
in his uniform,

he gave us our assignment, so

we must defend the dam.

He looked really good in that uniform.

- Mom!

- I got his number.

- Okay, I'm leaving.
You're on your own, Isis.

- Oh, but Messenger,

Isis needs you to help defend the dam.

Ah, well.

- Just got back from
a night of crime-fighting.

(sighs with disgust)
Yeah.

I fought some guys who were

shopping during senior hours at a Wegmans.

They threw eggs at me.
(scoffs)

But don't worry.

I stopped them.

Then, this little old lady
with a walker came over,

and she pinched my butt.

"Nice butt," she said.
(scoffs)

Her husband, who had to be around 80,

came over and said,

"I agree. Wanna come over
and watch the Wheel?"

Well, I said, "Of course,
I love Wheel of Fortune."

(laughs)

Fighting crimes and making friends.

Ugh.

I'm gonna go over there at 6:30.

Time to clean up and make a quiche!

Ugh.

Superhero power! (laughs)

- I was over by the Midland Mall.

I used to go there all the time
to go to the arcade.

I was the master at Ms. Pac-Man.

People used to come far and wide
to see me, me play.

Anyway, I rode my bike over to the mall.

I saw these men wearing masks
taking out the arcade games.

And that's when I said
the magic word, "Kabam!",

and I became the superhero,
Captain Mighty.

I took them out.
They weren't gonna get away with it.

Yeah, turns out?

Th-they were FBI.

Arcade had some kind of scam going on.

The FBI were there as some,

as part of a...
some kind of sting operation.

And they were wearing masks
as a part of state guidelines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that...
that pretty much sucked.

- Yesterday, my daughter and I
went out and fought crime.

- I fought crime,
he cowered in the corner.

- I was letting you spread your wings!

- Is that why you were crying?

- Tears of joy!

- Is that why you were saying,
"Don't hurt me, please!"?

- I... I was talking about my shoes.

- Your shoes.

- I was so proud of you.

- Don't change the subject.

- I'm not changing the subject.

I was so proud of you, sweetie.

As a matter of fact,
I think you should drop out of college.

Then you can be my sidekick.

- Me?

The sidekick?

- Hey, I don't make the rules.

- And drop out of college?

- Yeah, you know, you're not havin'
really much fun there anyway, and

college is a pit of... (coughs)

a pit of despair.

And it'd be fun!

- That's your reasoning?

- I ain't wrong.

- It would be fun.

(giggles excitedly)
(rubs hands together)

- The bad guys did it.

They won.

We have hours.

Today's the last day.

You'd think I'd be... split on this one.

I'm not.

This sucks.

Everything sucks.

The bad guys won,

and the bad guys won because

bad guys like me
thought we weren't bad guys,

because we let fate decide everything.

(sighs)
We're all trapped in the

panels of a comic book.

Can we escape?

I say the odds are about 50-50.

(coin flips)

(distant bang)

- Yeah.

World is coming to a end.

The helicopters,

they're droppin' down from above.

The sky's turned red.

People are looting in the stores.
(distant banging)

We're all in trouble.

Somebody needs to stand up now!

Maybe it's me.

- I am the most powerful man

in the universe.

But the thing is,

I can only use my powers once.

The alien told me this.

My powers...

(sighs) well... they fix everything.

All the knots, all the pain.

(sighs) I would do it.

I would do it, I would save the world.

(sighs) The entire galaxy, even.

I-I...

Except, yeah.

I die.

I die when it happens.

But yeah, I, I...

(sighs) I have a son.

I have a son, I have a son, I have a son.

(sighs slowly) He's everything.

I'm gonna kiss him on the forehead,

and I'm gonna say goodbye.

Don't feel bad for me.

It took me a long time

to come to terms with

all of it, so...

(sighs) Goodbye.

- The sky lit up.

It was our darkest moment here on Earth.

It was the brightest light
you could ever imagine.

You could see into space.

All of it.

Then the planet itself lit up,

and we all started
floating towards the sky,

weightless.

We all ascended to heaven.

The most amazing thing was,
nobody was scared.

I wasn't scared.

Maybe for the first time in my life.

We were all the same,

and it was beautiful.

Were we dead,

or dying?

We all floated towards
an opening in the sky.

I could see inside of it.

I was happy.

I was full of the joy
I had always wanted to feel for myself.

(sighs quietly)

Then there was an explosion.

We all saw a man hovering well above us.

He exploded.

And we all started to fall.

And then the world slowly faded.

And as I fell, I closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes as tight as I could,

just falling,

in peace.

(impact)

- (Lanie voiceover) When I woke up,

it was like a dark cloud had disappeared.

My soul felt lighter,

my heart was at ease.

Something had changed.

Something significant.

I had been on an adventure.

We all have.

I can't remember the adventure,

none of us could,

but it was a battle to the death

with an enemy none of us could see.

Something came to our universe.

We had casualties,

we lost so many people,

all at once.

So many souls.

I will mourn you.

Even if nobody else does,

I will.

I get up,

I open my curtains,

look outside,

and something is different.

Something I can't explain.

I then realized what it might be,

with one simple question:

What the heck year is this?!

(typing)

(typing)

(typing)

(triumphant music)
- People were different.

They stopped living in
such a defensive manner.

They took action to actually better
their lives and the world,

to do the things that they
really wanted to do.

Like binge-watch all of Supergirl.

I mean, come on.

How can you not?

I personally need to know
right now what is happening.

Just a personal fact.

People were better.

Rather than living
shallow, cowardly lives...

Although,

some of them were still pretty shallow.

And I guess that some of them were
pretty cowardly still.

So I guess my takeaway from this is that

things really don't change.

(record scratch)
(music stops abruptly)

Sorry for the misinformation.

- I finally decided

that I'm gonna be a cook.

And I'm thinking about
opening my own restaurant.

But one that serves
cosplayers exclusively.

Of course I'll follow the new dining laws.

It closed in a week.

- I decided to travel east.

I'm gonna climb Mount Washington
to the weather station on top.

I'm gonna learn the martial art Lollipop.

My teacher is gonna be
the weatherman that discovered

the perfect storm.

I would die for him.

He is badass!
(pounds chest)

(sighs happily)

- After 23 short years together,

she decided... (Kate clears throat)

I mean, we decided...

- Better.
(kiss)

- To get married.

- Bob was so nervous.

He gets so scared.

He still sucks his thumb.

- Proudly.

I mean, it's not like I carry around

a stuffed doll with me everywhere I go.

- He's an emotional support angel, Bob.

- So, yeah.

We're getting married.

- Uh... I'm pregnant.

- And having children.

(spits)
Wait, what?!

(Bob sucks thumb)
(Kate sighs)

- I'm going to be a fantasy character
and drift away.

Will you wave to me as I go by?

I hope you will.

The world's changed.

Where do we go from here?

Only God knows.

But...

I'm glad you made it.

- Bye, Mom. Off to fight crime.

- Um, to fight what?

- Crime.

- Um, yeah, okay.

Did you get your homework done?

- Mom, it's summer vacation.

- All right, well,
why don't you start in your bedroom,

because it looks like a
murder scene took place in there.

- But Johnny said he'd do it for me
because he loves me so much.

- What? I didn't say that.

- But be back by nine.

- 9:30.

- 9:30.

- Ten it is!

- My daughter tells me that

I should be a superhero.

(laughs) Imagine that.

(imitates takeoff)

And off we go!

I'm not gonna lie,

someone did try to steal
my purse one time,

and, uh...

bashed his teeth in!

(laughs)

Good memories.

(sighs)

Too bad it was
my first grade teacher, though.

It was really a bad scene.

- There is one truth in life.

When you do good things,

you are a hero.

Being a hero means something.

And anyone can be a hero.

Your neighbor,

your mother,

your Uber Eats driver,

your pizza delivery guy.

Maybe even me.

(sighs)

I'm a hero.

I'm a hero.

I'm a hero!

- We are all heroes, in our own way.

We all do small but significant acts

every single day,

even if we don't think we do.

Every choice matters,

so use each one wisely.

One second you're here, and the next...

- I went to the very first
Comic-Con in San Diego,

back in the 1970s.

The very first one. (laughs)

See, I'm an artist, and, um...

I'm trying to get into the field.

I've been trying for a very long time.

Drawing a comic has always been
a lifelong dream of mine.

Every... well, every year I

show my artwork to the editors, you know?

And for 45 years,
I've been showing them my artwork,

and I'm startin' to get in,
I think, you know?

And one of these days,
I'm gonna get my break.

(laughs)
Oh, um...

(chuckles)
Uh, let me show you this.

I'm... I'm, um...

I did this for my grandson.

And, uh, it's his birthday, you know?

So he's gonna, he's gonna...

he's such a lucky kid,
he's gonna get a big kick out of this.

He's gonna love it, don't ya think?

- I just got off the phone
with my grandpa,

and he's going to take me
to the Comic-Con in San Diego!

I'm super excited, and it just reopened.

And this is my first one.

I hope he doesn't embarrass me.

He's totally going to embarrass me.

- Well, it took a whole lot longer
than they expected,

but,

the San Diego Comic-Con
is opening this year.

(sighs happily)
I'm so excited.

My boyfriend's taking me.

I have no idea what to expect,

but I don't care, it'll be fun.

It'll be an adventure.

Is it true that comic fans don't bathe?

I can't believe that.
I think somebody's teasing me.

Comic fans not bathing.
(scoffs)

Crazy.

- My dad is taking me

to Comic-Con.

I have no idea what to wear.

My dad said that I needed to wear

a... a costume?

My dad is lame.

Does he realize

that how am I supposed to
dress up like a superhero or whatever

when I know nothing about them
at all, whatsoever?

I just don't see how that works.

And second of all,

I am definitely going to run into
someone from my school there.

And do you know what that means?

That's just bye-bye to my
social reputation.

Out the door.

(sighs)

I'm acting like I don't wanna go,

but I do.

I can't wait to dress up,
and I can't wait to go with my dad.

Just... don't tell him that.

- I finally figured out
who I want my first cosplay to be.

I am going to be Captain Marvel.

I was in a really bad place, but

then I started workin' on the costume.

Sewing for the first time in years.

My grandmother taught me how.

She died of COVID-19,

um, ten years ago.

But now, I'm sewing the costume

with the skills she taught me.

Hmm?

I mean, I've only just begun, so...

- I'm coming to Comic-Con

as the great god, Thor!

(laughs)
Not bad, huh?

I got the sword, I got a shield.

I'm gettin' the hammer, too.
(laughs)

Amazon UK did not let me down.

Got this great helmet.

I'm puttin' in the horns today.

Tomorrow, since the salons are open again,

I'm goin' to check out my wig guy,

and gettin' all this waxed, baby.

Like, Brazilian smooth.

It's gonna be sweet.

And best of all...

I'm single, ladies!
(laughs loudly)

And men over five foot ten.

Shh!

- My dad's taking me
to my very first Comic-Con.

I'm super excited.

Hey bud, get out here!

- (Nikki) Just give me a minute!

- Now, buster!

- (Nikki) All right, all right,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

(doors slide open)

(electric guitar chord)

- Why do you look like
my first grade teacher?

- I do not.

I'm Nikki Sixx from Kiss.

(electric guitar chord)

- It's like the World's Fair
of pop culture.

It brings people from
all over the world together.

And me?

Some of my best people

I've met at Comic-Con,

standing in line,

waiting in line.

Because we all know

it's about the journey,

and not the destination.

(clarinet melody)

(clarinet squeaks)
- Ooh! Oh, hello. (laughs)

Uh, you know, I was just
thinking about life.

Life is one heck of a journey.

Sometimes it's wonderful,

like having sex with a
beautiful man or woman,

and sometimes it's awful,

like having to sit through Forrest Gump,

or Pretty Women.

But, let me tell you this about that.

I've learned that paddling upstream
may not be the best thing.

When I was at Yale, we studied Taoism,

teaching you to flow with the current.

Don't fight nature.

We fight nature, we build our houses,

we chop down the trees
and we destroy the animals' homes,

and the animals come anyway

because they have
no place to live, and they...

the deer drop their ticks
and we get Lyme Disease,

and we get crippled.

Or we go to the wet markets

and eat pangolin and, uh,
dogs and god knows what else

in China, and we get, uh, COVID,
and the world dies!

Protect nature.
Swim with nature, walk with nature.

It's not a comic book convention

where all you have to do is
go against mobs of people

to get to the Troma booth.

This is life!

You! You must change it.

You must do your best. You.

You can be a hero.

Wear a... wear a superhero...

wear a... wear a cape,

and, and wear some kind of
spandex leotards, or...

or even better,
a nice little bikini bottom.

And get those wax jobs done.

Men or women, they're both delectable.

Anyway, think about this.

Be a superhero, change the world,
save the world.

It's up to you. And remember:

We're all in this together.

Hashtag MeToo.

You can do it.

I know you can.

I want you to do it.

So go out there, and be a hero.

Thank you.

("Modern Mozart" by Will Van De Commert)

(piano flourish)
- They thought they were so clever.

That I was stopped.

(music continues quietly in background)

But the thing is,

time has no effect on me.

I can wait.

While they all slowly die,

and the children die,

I can wait.

Here's the thing.

I've already had my revenge.

And so it goes.

(laughs)

What do I have planned next?

Well...

you won't even remember it.

Because it's already happened.

You've already lost.

A world will perish,

a world will live.

And nothing...

nothing will ever be the same again.

(music increases in volume)

- Mm, mm. Shawarma.

(grunts indistinctly)

Shawarma.

Ah, shawarma.
(breathes heavily)

Mmm. Sha...