Comedy Couple (2020) - full transcript
A story about two comedian couples and the up and downs between their parternship.
At least, tell us your name.
It's not rocket science!
What a confused guy?
He's confused about his own name.
We’ll call you Shatrughan, okay?
So, what’s your name then?
Shatrughan.
What do you do?
Engineer.
Engineer, eh?
No wonder you have such low self esteem.
Where did you do your Engineering from?
- Right here.
- Here?
This is a bar.
A word of advice...
Stop having Iodex sandwiches for breakfast.
Alright, let's see who's next.
What do you do?
Gurri? What’s that?
Did you borrow that
accent from the hood?
What’s the matter? Can’t you speak in Hindi?
1...2...3...Come on.
Where do you choreograph?
You call dancing at
'weddings' choreography?
Bro Deep, how was my performance?
Your set was fine.
But I’ll catch you later.
Alright, cool.
This Bassi’s nailing it.
How the heck are we gonna keep up?
Isn’t the crowd enjoying too much?
That's nice.
The crowd's getting warmed up.
Baby, why don't you say the beer joke?
No, it’ll sound funnier coming from you.
It'll sound sexist coming from me.
Listen, don’t start with this again.
Everything's gonna be alright.
What if we mess up?
Deep dude, I am trying to relax here.
But your stress is killing my vibe.
You shouldn’t always
panic under pressure.
Everything's gonna be alright.
And if that doesn’t happen,
I’ll blame you for it.
Okay.
Okay?
You guys done?
Give us five minutes more, please.
You guys have to be on stage
in five minutes, sweetheart.
You guys need to strike while the iron's hot.
Please no religious or political jokes.
And can you please throw
in some abuses for my sake?
The crowd digs it.
Why don’t you do it then?
I’ll announce, coming
up next is Siddharth Jaiswal.
Simple.
You’re so funny naturally.
What happens to you on stage?
Alright?
I have never seen two
people perform together.
Maybe they’ve brought their own audience.
I’ll call them on stage.
Give them a huge round of applause.
And I am Deep Sharma.
As I'm sure you guys must be wondering..
That why are two people
doing comedy together?
Touché. So now that this gentleman has
glorified his achievements
Because all of us have some cute,
romantic & sweet stories.
See, how all the boys in the
house are filled with glee.
They're glad that at least one of
them is having sex more often.
No, no, no.
Stop feeding my vanity!
You’ll jinx my winning streak.
Baby, moments like
these remind me of my dad.
He had this unparalleled belief...
That I will achieve...
Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
He would keep nagging that
"I'll be nothing in life".
"Not in my career,
education, or sports."
“A dunce like you will
never even get a girl.”
I used to get shit-scared.
Sex.
I go stand naked in front of the mirror.
And ask
Hello papa, are you watching?
How does it feel to watch
your son at the pinnacle of success, eh?
Even I want to do it.
What? Standingnaked in front of the mirror?
Deep!
Not that!
No.
I meant a story like this.
Like I wish I ran away
from home when I was a kid.
But why?
Just like the way you revolted.
Struggled.
- You don't struggle, you revolt.
- Yes, revolt.
First learn to pronounce it, then try it.
Revolt.
But this can’t be my story
because my mom’s already
been there done that.
Stop laughing you shameless fool,
this is a true story.
My mom is the one
who strangled my dreams.
That's why my revolt
is for the opposite
I'm gonna be a
stereotypical married woman, Yo!
So, guys,
I have a theory about relationships.
The first stage of any
relationship is like chilled beer.
Before this,
your life had been drought-stricken.
Even a drop of water seemed
like a mirage.
And suddenly...chilled beer.
Ah, dem feels...
That first swig of cold beer.
Tricks you into believing you can have chilled beer every da
But then comes the second stage.
The beer’s slightly warmed up.
And you feel she’s getting short-tempered every now & then
But you don’t break a sweat yet
Since it’s the beer of your choice.
And I am no beer connoisseur.
I mean, connoisseur.
But then comes the third stage.
The beer's now lukewarm.
Lukewarm?
I'll tell you later.
The beer's become lukewarm
and you’re stuck with it.
All your friends know
that you like this beer.
All the other beers in the
market know you like this beer.
You can't guzzle down this beer
anymore
And now you're screwed, royally.
And then you say...
And then you finally say...
Someone just get me a soft drink.
No soft drink?
How about some coconut water?
Nah?
Coldwater, eh?
Fuck it! Does anyone have cow urine?
I am even willing to try that now.
At least that'll absolve me of my sins!
Amazing.
You also did fine, hero.
- Thanks.
- Big fan.
Did you see the audience's reaction?
That last punchline was gold!
They just walked into our trap.
- Guys. Guys. Guys.
- What happened?
- That was HCBC’s HR Head.
- The bank?
They want you to perform
at their next corporate event.
Are you serious?
Guys, guys, guys!
Corporate show.
Ergo, dull audience, heavy payments.
finally reaping the benefits of
struggling with you guys.
- This calls for a party.
- I know.
Get us shots.
Even Ashi had agreed.
Then go to her.
No guys. I can’t vibe with so
much happiness in one night.
Give me a hug, sweetheart.
“Tonight's something special”
“you’re in my arms.”
“What more can I ask for, then?”
"Let's go somewhere far away."
“Where the journey
never comes to an end.”
“Our destination’s calling.”
“I want to dwell in
your eyes for a while.”
“Before it’s morning again.”
“We're crazy in love,
who wants to go home?”
“Since we met”
“We've got nothing to worry.”
"We have to live on our own terms."
“Since we met”
“We've got nothing to worry.”
Good, lord!
Who chucks you out
of the house for kissing?
What fuck-up did you guys get into now?
Eh?
Have you two lost it completely?
Sir always seemed
ike a noob to me.
But et tu, madam?
You seemed smart.
You're publicly kissing your own brother?
But Deep is not my brother.
Madam, you know that.
I know that.
But the society believes
that you guys are siblings.
Kukreja aunty displaced her hip.
She’ll have to get her hip replaced.
All the gully boys are now gonna
tease her ‘Shakira-Shakira’.
Deep, what's he saying?
Uh... Baby, see you loved this flat
And these bloody society members don’t
allow a live-in couple.
- So then Timmy...
- Timmy? For real?
I mean... both of us decided that we
will tell them... that we are ‘siblings’.
- I'll kill you.
- I’ll get hurt.
- How could you say that?
- It's not a big deal, everybody lies.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Control yourselves.
You two have already
humiliated yourselves.
But I've still got a
reputation to keep.
Don't taint my reputation.
This is Sector 8.
All the watchmen here salute me.
Hey hero...
He's new.
They get replaced every year.
Now, what do we do?
Lunch?
Seriously?
Deep, I'll whack hell out of you!
I am literally famished here.
This body needs food to fuel ideas, baby.
Ok, here’s a plan. Why don’t
you leave with Timmy on his bike.
While I gather our stuff
and follow you in the car.
Nope.
You ride with him, and I'll get the car.
"Ride with Timmy."
At least, take our belongings.
Timmy! Zoya is bat-shit furious.
Please just hustle us another
place somehow today itself.
Have you seen the
temple here in Pashchim Vihar?
My uncle is a ceremonial reader there.
I can get hook you a room there.
There will be a common bathroom.
You’ll have to cover your head.
Madam, will have to cover
everything else.
Bro, c'mon we can't live in a Temple.
Why not?
Learn to bond with God.
This the problem with your generation.
Are you not younger than me?
Yeah?
Sir, I won't beat around the bush here.
If you want a nice place,
then either wait
Or change this live-in status of yours.
Baby...
Let's get married?
What's wrong with you?
At least hear me out.
I'll chuck this burger at you, baby.
Take the skewer out first.
It can poke her in the eye.
Zip up & sip on your turmeric milk.
And baby, just listen to my proposition
I have a Jain uncle in Billari.
He can easily get us a fake
marriage certificate.
Nailed it.
Brother, you nailed it.
- Tell her.
- That's all we need, dear sister.
A photo, a wedding card
and a marriage certificate.
That's all.
That's all?
What do you want?
Do you serve marijuana here?
Ma’am, even for possessing
a small quantity
one can be sentenced to a 6-month jail.
Because it’s illegal.
Is it Illegal?
Not only illegal
It can also destroy relationships
Friends become strangers...
I can’t even begin to tell you.
Then don't tell us, buddy.
We're fine.
You take care of yourself.
Did you hear?
Do you guys want to end up in jail?
Baby, no one's gonna travel all
the way to Billari to check.
Deep, I don’t want to
lie my way into another house.
Then, it’ll take me around
a couple of weeks.
Make your arrangements till then.
We can go to Aditi’s place.
Look, baby, I love you a lot and all,
but I can't tolerate Aditi's sermons.
Look guys,
I am all in for women’s rights.
I am also pro-feminism.
But Aditi is a class apart.
Even if I spend 30 minutes with her
I end up loathing myself for being born as a man.
Let’s go to Rohan’s place.
Now take that pig out from there
and try to shove it into Rohan’s place.
Zoya, why don’t you ever listen to me?
I will! But you need to
say something sensible for that.
Chill out guys.
You two are already behaving
like a married couple.
See, why don’t you guys shack up
with your friends for a couple of weeks?
Meanwhile, let me find a permanent solution.
See you guys, then.
Ciao!
Baby...how can I live without you?
I don't know how
I lived without you, bro.
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smokey-Smoke"
Come in.
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smoke is not injurious to health,
smoke is all you'll get here."
"I eat and drink smoke,
smoke is all I live on."
Lookout. Be careful.
Please Aditi. Like this? At least let me change.
Why do you want to change?
But I just asked you once.
Now go out looking like this.
And when guys like you,
will leer at you, the way you do
only then will you understand.
I got it.
I understood. Please just forgive me.
Such a shabby mess.
Bro. Do you wanna take a dump?
The flush is broken.
Where do you go then?
Bro, there are seven
floors in this building.
And seven days make a week.
As in?
Bro, every night people
place their dustbins out.
That's gross, man.
Mom?
I am making an entire series on it.
A nude series?
Hear me out. We haven't broken up.
Oh!
We had to vacate that flat.
So till we find a new apartment.
Thank you.
You should do stand-up independently, too.
Mom, please.
When the world sees
a woman alone on stage...
She's gone.
Nowadays, there are many independent
female comics all over the world.
But Deep and I...
Bro, is there anything around to eat?
Yeah.
Did you see that honeybee?
I know dear, things were quite
dysfunctional during your childhood.
You don’t need to get stuck in these
stereotypical relationships.
Deep, mom. Deep Sharma.
Deep knows I am allergic to olives.
Once they accidently put olives
in our pizza.
Do you know what Deep did after that?
He spammed the pizza company with emails so bad
That till this day, we get free pizza.
He wakes up before me,
makes coffee for me.
Then stores it in the fridge.
So that I get iced-coffee
when I get up.
"Empty"
"Empty heart..."
"Can't even clap my hands."
"I love so much"
"my naive heart revolts against me."
"You're my pumpkin, my munchkin"
"and I am soda without fizz."
"For you, I pine"
"like a gardener without a flower."
"Crying all day"
"and boozing till I fall asleep."
"I shed so many tears"
“that left me with
black spots under my eyes."
"I've crossed all limits"
"and I am losing my identity."
"Now even my irked bros call"
"Swear at me by my mother."
"Swear at me by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
Yeah?
What is it, Siddhu?
You guys haven't
checked out YouTube yet?
How did this happen?
We haven't posted any video recently.
You two keep forgetting
that you've got a sexy manager.
I uploaded a clip of your show
from day before, just to test the waters.
But you guys made it to number 3.
- That's great, but...
- Fucking crazy
Why are we whispering though?
I am taking a dump right now.
Guess where?
In a hotel with Ashi.
Great going, my man. You finally scored.
Listen, don't forget to flush.
Oh yeah, right.
"A magical place called Tinder."
Baby, it's got one million views.
Just imagine George Carl,
Russel Peters, Zakir Khan.
Deep and Zoya.
Zoya and Deep.
Zoya and Deep!
Umm..
Your mom's calling.
'When I first told my parents
that I ate chicken in college'
‘they stopped talking to me
for one whole month.'
'So I stopped'
'Telling them anything.'
'They were happy, so was I.'
'Now, going by the same strategy.
I haven't told them yet'
'that I quit my good
old' six-figure IT job'
'to start a career in stand-up comedy.'
'What do you think?'
'Have they seen the video?'
Yes, mom. What's happened?
What do I tell you, son?
Your father's piles are acting up again.
You know, he's become very agitated.
Oh, that's fine.
- No what I meant was...Is he okay?
He's fine, otherwise.
Give me the phone.
Here, talk to your father.
What will I talk to him about?
Hello, son.
Hello, dad. Greetings.
Where are you?
Haven't you left for office yet?
I was just about to leave, dad.
Hope everything's good at your job?
We heard that IT companies
are going through a rough phase.
No, papa, nothing like that.
In fact, I just landed a new project.
It keeps me busy.
Look son, stay focussed on your job then.
These corporates don't
have a soft spot for anyone.
It's not like a government job
where you are sorted till retirement.
No! No!
What no, no, no?
No, I mean you're right, papa.
I shall focus on my job.
Alright, here talk to your mother.
Munnu, listen.
Son, The Navratris begin tomorrow.
Chill mom, I won't eat eggs during Navratri.
Okay. I'll call you later.
Lies, lies, and more lies.
How much can one lie?
Baby, did you tell mom-dad
that we're trending?
These things don't matter to them.
Did you give her that cough syrup?
Oh yeah, she was thanking you.
She said, Zoya is so sweet.
What happened?
I was thinking...
It will take us a while
to find a new houe.
But in this process we can
get a lot of content.
Shall we write some material
on house hunting?
Voila.
No man, not again.
We cannot deal with
this bachelor label again.
This has become our daily routine.
We go house huntingbut return getting rejected.
They say
That 'happiness' is the hardest thing to find in life
But..
We've already found happiness.
Can’t find a home. though.
that meeting the owner of a house
is just like going on a Tinder date.
First, you check out the photos
of the house, then you reach out.
And if the broker gets you a match
then we get to meet
the owner, which usually end up in
awkward conversations.
- Do you smoke?
- At times, sir.
No, sir.
- Do you booze?
- Of course, sir.
Not at all, sir.
Do you eat meat?
- Of course, ma'am.
- Good lord, no!
Go ahead, read it.
Uh..Sir, where will
unmarried couples live in Gurgaon then?
They can live here.
But only after getting married.
Yeah, but exactly is your
problem with unmarried couples?
- So what?
- So what?!
This is illegal.
Don't family members have sex?
Drop it, Zoya.
Colonel Bakshi!
Colonel Bakshi,
don't people in this society have sex?
Don't you have sex
with your wife, sir?
No, no. Just tell us if you don't.
We'll leave right away, sir.
I have lots of sex with my wife!
We have sex all the time!
Hey, watchman! Come here.
Tell them what I do all day?
He has sex.
How did that guard know?
Guys, one day we're gonna
meet our perfect match. Right?
When we see an apartment
and exclaim "gosh".
Sorry guys, we can't get this place.
These fuckers too want
a marriage certificate.
Yeah bro, that’s what I am saying.
Yes.
Dude, I really liked this one.
Baby, why are you stressing yourself?
I'll handle everything.
You really enjoy lying.
You enjoy feeling like a conman, don't you?
Baby, anything to be with you.
You can lie for me, but not to me.
Someone get me a soft drink, man.
Maybe a Rasna,
Frooty, Roohafza or even tea...
No, tea? Chuck it.
Forget water.
Someone get me cow urine!
at least I'll get to be a certified nationalist.
Really nice!
Deep...
Hmm?
Is that house still available?
Which one?
The one we liked. With the balcony.
Maybe.
But you know they'll ask
for a marriage certificate and all.
Shall we get a marriage certificate, then?
Baby, for real?
Listen, listen... don’t joke with me.
Don’t get excited. Listen.
What if something goes wrong?
Don’t worry. I am there.
Wait. Let me talk to
Jain uncle right away...
Wait...
Just hold on a second.
- Deep...
- Just a second.
Jai Jinendra, uncle.
Yes, yes, yes.
How've you been?
I am doing great, uncle.
Uncle, I needed some help.
I need to get a certificate made.
No, not, for high school marksheet.
I need a marriage certificate.
Marriage certificate?
It's almost ready...
Actually, the kids just got married last week.
And you know how slow our government is.
It’ll take weeks if not a month
for the marriage certificate.
I’ll home deliver it to you,
You have my word.
The society rules are stringent.
Don’t take more than a month.
Otherwise, the society will
chuck them out without my permission.
And I will keep the deposit
without your permission.
You can keep it, sir.
No one wants it back?
Let's just shake on this deal.
Is it a deal, then?
Done.
Just a second.
Bro. It’s a done deal!
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know it?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never really...told you.”
“You’re the one in my heart.”
"I never even gave you clue...”
"And look at what happened to my heart."
Deep?
What’s wrong, mom?
It’s me, not your mom.
Listen, Deep.
What all do you lie to me
about on regular day-to-day basis?
Please, let me sleep.
The problem is...
that he speaks these dirty little lies
Did you brush your
teeth before turning in?
Yeah, baby.
- Did you bathe today?
- Yeah, baby.
Is that women pregnant with your child?
Yeah, baby.
No, baby.
I haven’t done anything with that lady.
Liar!
"I never imagined”
“this is where we’ll be.”
“Even my nights”
“can’t be imagined without you.”
"You're now my whole world.”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never broke your heart.”
“Because now it’s mine.”
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."
Hi, Vinayak.
See you next week.
Will you have me or the pizza first?
You.
- Is this enough?
- Yeaha, thats it.
Thank you.
Greetings, uncle, how are you?
Oh! Greetings, brother.
What?!
What happened? Tell me.
Remember I had asked Jain
uncle for that certificate?
What about it?
He ate garlic.
Garlic? So.
He's a follower of Jainism.
He never ate garlic all his life.
He died of a heart attack.
So, the certificate?
The guy’s dead, Zoya
The Italians use garlic in every darn thing.
They believe that garlic
makes the heart stronger.
Can someone please tell
them about my Jain uncle?
This is not done.
This won’t do.
Sometimes, you get caught
smooching in the elevator you & call me at 6 am
Why? Because you got thrown out.
And now you call me at midnight to tell me
that your uncle kicked
the bucket because he ate garlic.
And that you can’t get
the marriage certificate.
Guys, will you ever let
anyone sleep or not?
I had a natural glowing skin.
Now, it’s filled with pimples.
And for what?
For the next flat, I'll charge you
full brokerage and advance too.
What do you mean?
Sister, you needed a marriage certificate
for this flat, which you don’t have.
So pack your bags and
move on to the next one.
The same problem all over again.
Again, we will have
to make a fake certificate.
Say.
See, you guys do standup together.
You two even live together.
And i'm sure you guys also...
So then why don't you
guys get married for real?
You’ll get an original certificate.
You won’t have to leave this house.
And you'll save on the deposit money as well.
It’s a stupid idea.
Don't worry. We’ll invite you when we get married.
We’re not getting married right now,
we just need a certificate.
Leave us alone,
Timmy, we’ll figure this out.
Did you hear that?
I am not deaf yet.
And I won’t fall for your
lies of inviting me to the wedding.
Have you ever invited
me to a single show?
Baby, please, listen to me.
I have another uncle in Ghaziabad.
I’ll talk to him...
Baby, we have nothing
to prove to your mom.
Like what? We only need a certificate...
Listen. Listen...
So basically you’re an average person.
You are quite average, sir.
Listen, as long as
I am clear that someday...
Yeah, baby, but...
You always break my friggin flow?
What was I saying?
- Someday..
- Someday or the other, I want to marry you.
And as long as you’re clear
about marrying me someday
what does it even matter?
Whether we get married
today or sometime later.
Let's just do it.
Okay, okay...
What the hell man?
What are you doing?
Please?
Yes! Yes!
Please?
Baby...
Sorry.
Oh my god! Problem solved.
Certificate done.
That's not how it works, babe.
We’ve got to get a date from the court.
It can take some time.
Now, that’s an insult to me.
Do you know what people call me?
Timmy ‘Jugadu’ Walia.
You’ll get a date tomorrow morning.
Get it done then.
Consider it done.
Get your attires in a row.
We’ll need three witnesses
the rest I’ll tell you over the phone.
Hairband?
Fuck.
What happened?
Actually,
you should call your parents too.
Let’s do it together.
Baby, baby, listen, listen...
Listen...
- What?
- Listen...
Why is there no network?
Look, baby, listen...
- What?
- Listen...
Let's not tell your mom?
Yeah, but she won’t be able to come, anyway.
She'll join us on a video call.
But...then she will
ask about my parents, right?
Won’t she?
They can’t come.
Why can’t your parents come?
Listen to me...
Come here.
Come here.
Please.
Look, if I call up my mom
and say I am getting married tomorrow
She will call up my aunt first.
And dad will call my uncle.
Uncle and aunty will make
this news viral all over Billari.
Then they will call my mom and dad, again.
And say how can they
get married like this?
My mom will call me back and
say you can’t get married like this.
She will call a priest,
find an auspicious date.
Then they'll invite at least 500 people
only then will they call it a wedding.
And all of this will take
at least a couple of months.
And you know, babe, we’re completely
sold out for the next couple of months.
We'll have to cancel all of them.
But we need the certificate
right now, baby.
Look, we're getting married
in haste for the certificate
Right?
So let’s get married...just like that.
Like this...without families?
Yeah, when we plan our wedding,
we’ll invite them.
Don't overthink,
baby, let's just get over with it.
Okay, let’s get it over with.
Baby, is Aditi coming?
I’ll call check in with Siddhu.
Yeah, say?
Siddhu, please be there by 12:30.
Be where?
I told you yesterday that
Zoya and I are getting married.
You’re our third witness.
You were joking, right?
You are joking now, right?
Were you serious?
Of course, I was serious.
This is nothing to joke about.
You standup comics are impossible.
It's hard to say whether you guys
are serious or trying out a new joke.
You said I am getting married, come over.
I didn’t like the joke,
I said okay and hung up.
Drop whatever you’re doing
and meet us in 30 minutes.
I am in Jaipur, bro.
Taking pictures of
your next standup venue.
You guys were being such stars and saying
you know our manager should
be taking photos every day.
Hello?
Hello?
No worries.
You guys always manage to run
into a mess.
Two guys are sorted.
Madam, your friend is coming.
I am already here.
We just one more person
who has an Aadhar card.
That’s it.
Hello.
Listen, just come down to the
court right now.
Who is this?
It’s Deep.
Oh shit, Deep.
Wazzup?
Just come down to the court?
Why? Did you get arrested
for drunk driving?
I meant the marriage court.
Zoya and I are getting married.
You’re our third witness.
Ask him to get his Aadhar Card.
And carry your Aadhar card, alright?
Why? Are you catching a flight?
Who takes a flight from the court?
Was wondering the same.
Come soon, okay.
Calm down, guys, calm down.
- I'm getting it done, bro.
- Hurry up.
[indistinct chatter]
Where did you get this sari from?
Deep's mom sent this for
me when he went home for Diwali.
You mean your mother-in-law?
Looks nice.
Like an obedient daughter-in-law.
Well...Timmy's gone
looking for a witness.
In case Rohan doesn't show up.
Hey...
Hi.
Baby, don't be stressed.
Everything will be fine.
Now give me a smile.
We're getting married today, baby.
Hello, no smoking here.
Rohan.
What are you doing?
Give that to me.
What happened, bro?
I hope she’s not pregnant and all.
Are you nuts?
Did you get your Aadhar card?
I've got my Country Club card.
It's accepted at the airport.
They'll accept it here as well.
Stop doing cheap drugs.
I am trying to quit.
You're in court, bro.
No, it's a shirt, bro.
Listen, aunty won't
mind if you tell her later.
It's your marriage, you got to smile.
Don't get married.
Zoya!
Bro, what's the name of your wife?
Zoya.
I think Zoya wants
to have the baby alone.
Bye.
Zoya, wait.
Zoya!
Zoya!
Zoya!
Where are you running off to?
Zoya.
- Zoya.
- Zoya.
Zoya.
What are you doing?
What's wrong?
Baby, what are you doing?
I'm sure this is Aditi's idea.
Who throws away a joint, dude?
Keep it, down.
I found a witness.
Where are you guys going?
The judge is all prepped and ready.
I think she's going for an abortion.
Whose?
Why are you doing, baby?
I don't want to get married.
I said I don't want to get married!
Wasn't this your idea?
My idea was to get married.
But not like this without the family.
So you are not pregnant?
Be quiet.
It's getting warm.
Hand me your phone.
Call your mom-dad and tell
them that you're getting married.
As I explained earlier,
baby, it will take a 2-3 months for us to get married
So we'll wait.
- We'll get thrown out of the house.
- We'll stay in a hotel.
Baby, we won't get
our security deposit.
So we'll make more money.
As you said, our shows are sold
out for the next couple of months.
- Yes, baby, but...
- Call them.
What are you waiting for?
What's the problem?
- It's not like that.
- Then what is it?
It's not like they
don't like you exactly.
Then?
What?
They don't know that you
or anyone else is a part my life.
But the other day you said that
your mom thanked me for the cough syrup.
So you never gave her the syrup?
You did. And said what? Who gave it?
Me.
And this sari?
You said your mom sent this for
me when you visited them for Diwali.
I bought it from Karol Baug.
I bought it from Karol Baug.
You said your mom bought this from
some temple to save me from bad omen.
And yet I am presently wearing this to please
my future mother-in-law
like a fucking idiot.
No wonder you never talk to
your mom and dad when I am around.
Zoya...
Zoya!
Open the door, please.
Zoya?
Don't do anything stupid.
Don't slash your wrist or anything!
Open the door!
Seriously?
Baby...what are you doing?
Why are you packing?
Well, eventually we'll
get thrown out of this house
so I thought it's better to leave.
Okay... Okay, done.
I'll come too.
Get my bags too.
We'll stay in a hotel
for a couple of months.
Meanwhile, I'll come up
with a plan to tell my parents.
They will be angry.
They will even be a little mad at me.
But I'll manage.
This will take some time, baby.
A few months. Maybe a year or so?
But I'll manage. I swear by my mom.
Deep, remember that story...
The boy who cried wolf?
The one about the shephard & the Wolf?
Your wolf is here. Pass me my bag.
Baby...
- Bag!
- I won't give it.
- Bag!
- I won't give up.
Baby, listen to me.
Baby, my parents are very orthodox.
They don't understand
live-in relationships.
So I told them a petty lie, that's it.
They live in Billari.
It's a small city.
I didn't cheat on you. I love you.
Doesn't that matter matter the most?
You know what's weird, Deep.
I am not mad that you lied.
I am mad because my
mom was right all along.
Fuck!
"I never imagined”
“this is where we’ll be.”
“Even my nights”
“can’t be imagined without you.”
"...my whole world.”
Forget it.
I'll call you later.
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never broke your heart.”
“Because now it’s mine.”
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."
I'll be there, man.
Munnu?
Dad?
Don't wear sunglasses.
You're looking like a honeybee.
Even your son couldn't recognise you.
I wore it to block the sun.
Is it sunny in here?
Munnu.
Munnu, son it's us. You mom and dad.
Your dad's piles is getting worse.
Open the door, son!
I told you, let's not bother him.
But no...
You're hard to convince.
I got worried when he
wasn't picking up his phone.
As if you're getting
a grand welcome here.
- Why isn't he opening the door?
- Open.
- Munnu.
- Greetings, mom...dad.
You guys. Here?
- Why weren't you answering our calls?
- Take our luggage.
And don't forget
your grandpa's umbrella.
Yes, dad.
And why did you close
the door on our face?
I had to rush to the loo, so I ran.
But I left the door open..
Is your digestion okay?
Yes, mom. Why what's wrong?
You're burning up. Lie down,
and I'll give you cold water straps.
Listen, get me the
herbal concoction from the bag.
- But mom...
- Where is the kitchen?
On dad's right.
Okay.
- The place looks nice.
- Yes.
But why is this wall so sad and empty?
The pictures are still getting framed.
But I prepped the walls first.
I thought I'll put up the
pictures as soon as I get them.
Whose pictures?
Well...
Gandhiji, then Bhagat Singh,
Sardar Patel, Uncle Nehru, Ambedkar...
Bose, Azaad,
Sarojini Naidu, Rani Laxmibai.
Mangal Pandey. Rajguru Sadhguru...
I mean Sukhdev...
Twelve names, but there
are thirteen nails on the wall.
You're the thirteenth...
I mean your picture
will be the thirteenth one.
No, son. My picture among
such great personalities. No...
Papa, you're my ideal.
Who's picture will I put up here?
Okay.
Put up a small one down here.
Yes, papa.
Please, come.
This is the area is for drying clothes.
Are we going to stay here?
No, papa, this is the owner's room.
He keeps his belongings here.
It's always locked.
That room in front is yours.
This bra?
Does this belong to you?
It belongs to the lady upstairs.
Sometimes her clothes fall down here.
- I'll return it.
- Yes, go return it now.
No, I'll do it later.
Hurry up, she might need it.
Doesn't matter,
Papa, she must have more.
Listen, where are you?
There you are.
I told you to get me the concoction,
and you're killing time here.
Where is the concoction?
I'll get it myself.
What are you hiding there?
- Nothing.
- Come, I'll show you where.
God!
Hello.
Did you two have a fight?
No.
Why is your first
response always a lie?
You didn't show up for the rehearsal.
Zoya's here all alone.
When I asked her about you,
she asked me to find out myself.
Rehearsal for what?
We've got a show today.
How can you forget?
Come down here and rehearse quickly.
I can't come. Mom and dad are here.
Then bring them too.
They will have a good time here.
No, no, they don't understand jokes.
Don't worry,
I'll manage without a rehearsal.
And listen,
I need pictures of freedom fighters.
I am sending you a list.
Send it over to my place.
Listen, will you
be on time for the show?
Hello.
Hello. Oh, God.
Munnu...
- Yes, papa.
- Don't you have office today?
I have office in the evening.
Who goes to work in the evening?
We work for an American client.
So we've to work
according to their time.
I see...
Yes.
To make any lie successful,
you need two people.
A liar and a believer.
It's wrong to blame the liar alone.
Fuck!
Just two minutes.
What's up with you two?
The crowd's settled
in and it’s time for your entry.
It’s your time to perform.
Are you going to perform like this?
I am the asshole.
I am an asshole for
running around for you two.
It's a shitty job.
You got to listen to the organiser,
the artist.
No one ever thinks about the manager.
Hey...you two.
This isn't just about you two.
My career's on the line as well.
I even broke up with Ashi.
Don't give me any more stress, please.
I told you...to flush.
Come on.
My mom and dad are here.
I am Deep Sharma.
Apparently.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Be honest with me,
and raise your hands, please.
How many of you lie?
Raise your hands.
See... see...
Wow... at least they
are honest about their lying.
Exactly, they are admitting.
And we've proved
that the rest are liars.
So basically...everyone lies.
No, no, no, Deep, come on.
You're not a kid anymore who
when his mom asks mom asks
whether he's done his homework or not.
Yes I did it.
And when your teacher asks
why did you not do your homework...
Mom was sick
Exactly.
All these bad habits
come from childhood.
And once you cling on to this habit,
there's no going back.
Let me tell you a story.
Once mom and dad got into
a pretty heated argument.
Mom was furiously ranting...
If you want to be your mama's boy,
then I'll go live
with my parents for good.
And dad was being a wise guy.
Leave if you want.
I'll just marry someone else.
Loud screams, yelling...
And mom used her infallible weapon.
She started crying.
Dad was scared out of her wits.
The neighbours gathered around,
hearing the commotion.
Mom and dad were both
scared out of their wits.
The neighbours began to
ask why are you crying, sister?
What seems to be the problem, brother?
No answer.
The neighbours turned towards me.
I was this small...standing
there like a bundle of innocence.
And my only fault
was that I was standing there.
So they asked me.
Why was your mom crying, son?
I took a long, deep breath,
thought for a second and said...
Mom's aunt in Benares passed away.
That's why she was crying.
Mom and dad were in splits.
And till this day they
have never had a fight.
In front of me.
But tell me something...
Tell me...
How did this affect this naive mind?
Mister?
Sister...?
lying is a useful life skill.
And if you master it... no problem...
No problem can ever touch you!
- Come.
- What are you doing?
Uncle... what are you doing?
- Come, son, I'll take you to your
next show. - What are you doing?.
Siddhu.
Siddhu, where are you?
Sir... Wait a second, sir.
- Siddhu.
- Wait a minute, sir.
Where are you taking me, sir?
We're taking you to
Narela Police Station.
- But what's wrong?
- We have a warrant against him.
Section 295A...
Hurting Religious Sentiments.
Wait a minute, sir.
But I am an atheist.
Well, that doesn't give you
the right to say whatever you want.
How dare you insult cow urine?
- Sir...
- You've made a joke out of cow urine!
Sir, we had no intentions
of hurting any religion.
We were using the harsh realities
in relationships as a setup
and we used cow urine as our punchline
so that our material gets
further exaggerated. You know?
What is she saying?
She's trying to explain
the joke.
Okay, but why do you crack
jokes that need to be explained
Come. I've heard enough of you.
Wait a minute, Sir.
Let’s talk in private.
Wait a minute, sir.
Get lost. Get in.
- Please.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Wait a minute.
- I'll handle...
Let’s be civil about this, Sir.
Leave my hand.
Do you want to give me a massage?
Who are you?
I am their manager, Sir.
Oh I see... so you're
the root of the problem.
Leave my hand or else
I'll arrest you too.
Do you want some more?
Do you?
You've turned religion into a joke.
Insulting cow urine.
Sorry, sir.
I'll set you straight
at the Police Station.
Deep was shit-scared anyway.
He was like let's not do it.
Let's not get in this mess.
Sir, can we get a selfie?
Just one.
Come up with some proper jokes.
Yes, Sir. Next time, I promise.
- Tarun Singh.
- Yes, sir.
Repeat the joke that
you said yesterday.
Of course, sir.
She said hi.
She said hi.
Wow...
She said hi.
But got offended, when
I asked her - your place or mine?
You should try using such clean jokes.
Understood.
Or you'll get screwed all your life.
Royally screwed!
Sorry, sir, may I...
- Hello.
- Siddhu, where are you guys?
Send me the pin. I'll come over.
Hold on. Don’t worry
He's going to be okay.
Some smalltime wannabe
political outfit has done this.
It's okay. We'll go to the magistrate's
office tomorrow, and he'll get bail.
And what if he doesn't
get bail tomorrow?
Then three years of jail.
That was a joke.
You do understand a joke, don't you?
You guys are comedians, aren't you?
Okay, bye.
"The path of life...no
wonder where they will take you."
"Let no one ask me such questions."
"No destination or
arms to cuddle up in..."
"Can someone ask how I am doing?"
"Whenever I wanted some love,
rejection is all I got."
"Like it never was my destiny."
"But this time...my luck's
gone for a complete toss."
"There's no one that can save me now."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I'm knocked out."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"I am screwed..."
"I am screwed..."
Deep's mom has called seventeen times.
I don't know what to tell her.
Will you handle them?
Coming. Just a minute.
Deep. Deep. Deep. Deep.
Okay. Deep is sick?!
Deep is... No!
Deep's phone..
Deep's lost his phone?
Deep's phone... No.
Deep's phone...
- Deep's phone...
- He just called.
- He just called a while ago.
- Okay.
He was working late last night.
He'll be coming home shortly.
Do you work with Munnu, dear?
Munnu?
Deep.
Deep?!
Do you work with Munnu in his office?
Office?
- Office...
- Office.
Yes, I work with Munnu-Deep
in the office.
Okay, aunty, I'll leave then. Bye.
Not like this.
Come inside. Have a cup of tea.
- No, aunty, thank you. Next time.
- Come in, dear.
Come in, dear, come.
[sanskrit shlok]
[sanskrit shlok]
Hello, uncle.
Hello.
She is Munnu's friend.
I see.
Zoya.
Zoya?.
Zoya Batra.
I see... So do you work
with Deep in the same office?
Yes.
Are you a software engineer as well?
No.
I am...in the accounts department.
She's an accountant.
I mean...Commerce is good too.
But it can't be compared with Science.
Have some tea, dear.
Thank you, aunty.
- Which floor do you live in?
- 7th.
Cool.
Where are you going?
- Toilet.
- Bro, use your own toilet.
My mom and dad are at home.
Please use your own home.
Your mom and dad have a problem
with the concept of taking a dump?
Oh god, Siddhu,
why do you eat so much?
Listen, my parents don't
know about my standup.
So don't say anything absurd.
Use the loo and get lost.
Munnu's home.
Hi, aunty.
Sorry, where is the toilet?
It's on the left.
Were you sleeping on the platform?
Hello, uncle.
Hello.
Toilet, please?
Who are you?
Uncle, he works with
us in the same office.
Software engineer?
No uncle, actually I am their manager.
Uncle, toilet?
Hello, papa.
Is he your manager?!
Yes, papa...he's the manager.
Don't you have a
toilet in your office?
We do...
But the flush is broken, so...
So tell your manager to get it fixed.
You guys work all night so you
must have the basic facilities.
Absolutely right, papa.
And look at your condition.
Seems like you're coming from jail.
Jail?
Did you tell him?
Tell me what?
Papa, long coding sessions
are called 'jail'.
Because we can't get out of it,
that's why.
What kind of a name is this?
- Must be a joke...
- Yes.
Yes, papa, it's just a joke.
Jail is not a joke!
My father's been
to jail with Gandhiji.
He's been to jail a dozen
times during the freedom struggle.
You'll understand
if you ever go to jail.
And you can't handle
a 12-hour session.
Yes. I agree.
And Mr. Manager,
get the toilets in your office fixed.
- You're using your employee's toilets.
- Yes.
I'll leave then.
Not like this, son.
Have breakfast with us.
Tell him, son.
Well, I am hungry.
Yeah...
You've already taken a dump.
Have food also.
By the way, Mr. Manager,
has Munnu been doing his job
with dedication and honesty?
Yes, with dedication and honesty.
Have some more fried breads, son.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Take some more, dear.
- You know, Munnu...
- Some more vegetables, dad?
- No, son. Munnu...
- Some chicken?
Munnu...in his childhood
used to lie a lot.
I thought he'll never
achieve anything in life.
Right?
No need to laugh.
I am a government employee.
I believe that...
- More vegetables, dad?
- Wait, son.
Let me talk.
A foundation based on
lies never lasts for too long.
Someday it comes crumbling down.
- Now give me some fried breads.
- Yes.
I think Deep's taken
after his grandfather.
Yes, he's been to jail.
And even he's been to jail.
But he went to jail with Gandhiji.
Who did you go to jail with?
We should tell your
mom and dad about this.
A foundation based on
lies never lasts for too long.
- But yours did.
- Yes.
Oh God!
Oh shit.
Now you understand, don't you?
How could I've told them about us?
They would've never understood.
Yes, your mom-dad would've
not understood. But I would have.
Why did you hide it from me?
I won't do it again.
You look so cute when you're angry.
Promise I won't do it again.
Guys, there's been another fuckup.
What is it now?
There's another FIR against you.
- What?
- Who?
Same fucking milkman. Apparently,
he owns some dairy in Faridabad.
- Oh, God.
- What is this charade?
- Baby, I don't want to go to jail again.
- Wait.
The lawyer says you
should apologise, maybe...
Apologise for what?
We haven't made any mistake.
Listen, let's go to court and fight this.
Hold your horses.
Let's apologise and get it over with.
God, you never take a stand.
What kind of an artist are you, Deep?
I am a compromised artist.
Hollow from the inside.
I don't have a problem
with apologising.
Figure it out. Call them now.
And let's go now.
Call them.
Forgive me, uncle. I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have made fun of the cow.
The cow is our mother.
And I disrespected her.
I apologise from deep down my heart.
Hey stupid, does this look
like a wrestling bout to you?
Apologise in your own language.
The cow will forgive you.
But you got to apologise
to the females for
using foul language.
My ladies, forgive me.
Fool, apologise to the one next to you.
Hey lady, please forgive me.
Touch her feet and apologise.
Forgive me.
Say it louder.
- Please forgive me! I forgive you.
- I forgive you!
How many times have I said don't come
so close when you're chewing tobacco.
Imbecile fellow.
Can we go now, uncle?
But don't repeat this mistake.
The cow is our mother.
- And making fun of her...
- We weren't making fun of her, uncle.
It turned into a joke because
people started laughing.
I can never make fun of the cow.
My grandfather had
immense respect for cows
In fact, he used to
drink cow urine every day.
He was healthy.
In fact, he was 99-years-old...fell
one short of 100.
Even father believes in it,
so he drinks cow urine every day.
So he'll live a long life too.
You see, pure cow urine isn't
available in the city.
Otherwise,
even I would drink it every day.
Don't you get pure cow urine in the city?
It's always adulterated.
It was lukewarm.
Lukewarm?
It was lukewarm?
I can't understand whether
I drank cow urine or his urine?
My grandpa used to drink it,
so does my father.
Its pure form is not available in the
city. Otherwise, I would drink it too.
Now you suffer.
Serves you for lying.
No...no more lying.
I will stick to the truth now.
- Really?
- Swear on mom.
Your mother’s
swear or the cow mother?
I always get screwed when
I try to lie and be a wise-ass.
- True.
- But not anymore.
I'll tell them that I quit
my job two years ago
and now I do standup comedy.
And...
And?
I'll tell them about us.
From henceforth, whatever I say...
Please, don't say anything right now.
Go home, get some mouthwash.
In fact, you should drink
the entire mouthwash. All of it.
Clean your mouth.
Come clean to your parents
and then you can call me. Bye.
He drank urine.
Papa, I want to talk to you.
Let's involve mom too.
Mom-dad, I want to talk to both of you.
Mom-dad, I want to talk to both of you
Better. Better. Better. Come on.
You won't believe what happened today.
Deep, mom.
Deep!
Hear me out first.
Deep drank cow urine today.
This issue isn't just
about an inane joke.
It showcases a dangerous thought
that is spreading among the youth of our
country, especially the educated ones.
Yes, my friends.
This was the infamous comedy couple
Deep Sharma and Zoya’s
apology letter.
Ridiculing our of culture under the
guise of comedy has become a habit for them.
As a matter of fact,
Deep is an engineer.
Raised in a small city of Billari,
he even worked in an IT company in Noida.
But then he quit his job
one fine day and took to the stage.
Why did he do such a thing?
The answer is pretty simple.
Laughter Jihad.
Is the laughter Jihad
connected with Lashkar-e-Taiba?
Is Deep's real name Danish?
There are many such questions on
which we'll perform the litmus test.
Keep watching our special report,
Terrorism feat. Comedy.
He lies to his parents,
he lies to you,
Hi, aunty.
Hi, dear.
Hello.
I see...who is she, mom?
What happened to Franco, mom?
And I can never get bored of Deep.
Today he's going to tell his
mom-dad everything honestly.
You've got a potrait of Gandhiji,
- Bhagat Singh, and me.
- Papa, please...
But now you've become a traitor.
Papa, I am not a traitor.
Are the news people lying then?
The news people never lie.
Your uncle called from Meerut.
Your aunt called your mom.
This news has spread
like wildfire in the family
that Mr. Sharma's son is disloyal
and an anti-national!
And that he's also a libtard.
Papa, I am not doing any of that.
I just did it once
for the sake of comedy.
Swear on you.
- You're lying.
- No, no...
Mom, just a minute.
Please...
And where were you
hiding these pictures?
- Where were you hiding them?
- Don't hit, Munnu.
I’m sure he had his reasons.
- Move aside, or you'll get hurt.
- And stop calling me Munnu.
What else should I call you?
We'll call you Munnu.
You're no longer worthy
of being called Deep.
- You are a Munnu and will always be that.
- Papa, please.
- Munnu.
- Papa...
Munnu.
I thought you'll stop
lying once you grow up.
But now I'll have to beat it out of you.
No, papa, I was going to
tell you the truth. Swear on you.
- I will get hurt.
- Again falsely swear on me?
It's the pointed side.
How dare you falsely swear on me?
I want to live longer than my father.
He lived for 99 years.
I want to live to complete my century.
Then why don’t you sit down?
There’s no need to keep
running between the wickets.
Don't try to be funny.
And these bottles...
You've been boozing too?
- Papa, these belong to my friend.
- Lying again.
Show me your hand.
Sorry, papa, but I drink.
How much do you drink?
Your son drinks a lot.
C’mon mom.
I worked day and night,
mortgaged my land,
borrowed money
to pay for your engineering.
If you wanted to do such tomfoolery,
then why did you take up engineering?
I didn't know back then, father.
We ruined our past for
the sake of your future.
We have a right to know.
Why did you quit your job?
Why didn't you tell us?
What do you intend to do in future?
I'll keep doing this. Stand up.
Nita, get our belongings.
We won't stay here another minute.
- Papa...
- Please, calm down.
We'll talk again in the morning.
There's nothing left to talk about.
Infact, I’m going
to take a vow of silence
And my last word will be... this.
Papa. Papa.
Papa. Papa.
Why are you observing silence?
What do you want?
Do you want me to quit standup?
Sorry, papa, but I can't do that.
Say yes for now, at least.
No mom, I can't lie anymore.
Dad, I wasn't enjoying that job.
But I like doing standup.
Didn’t you always say that grandpa
used to laugh at my jokes.
Maybe that's why he lived so long.
You should also laugh more often.
Since you also want to
live for a 100-years.
Making people laugh is a good thing.
It's virtuous.
If you've got anything else to say,
son, just go for it
That...
Since the last 2 years, Zoya
and I have been doing comedy together
Also, we've been living together
for the past couple of months.
Papa...
Wait. Where are you going?
Danish aka Deep and Jamila, aka Zoya.
These are the two comedy
militants whose primary motive is
to make you laugh
and turn you into an anti-national.
Ingeniously & meticulously they take
control over your mind.
You might get busy laughing off,
when suddenly, there’ll be an explosion.
No one can tell, how many
have fallen prey to their schemes.
You could be their next victim
You...be vary of them.
And keep watching our special report...
Terrorism Feat. Comedy
Deep?
Deep?
Deep?
Deep...
Did you watch the news?
Did Mom and dad see it too?
- Do they know everything?
- Hmm...
Before you could tell them?
Shit.
Did you tell them about us as well?
What did they say?
Speak up.
Have you taken a vow of silence?
It’s all your fault.
Mine?
I know I say a few
harmless lies at times.
But I don’t do it
to hurt or cheat anyone.
Life was great.
And I did not want any controversies.
If people can’t handle the truth,
don’t give it to them.
What difference does it make?
But no...
you insist on telling the truth.
Now see the result.
Dude...your mind got purified
after drinking cow urine
You yourself said that
you will never lie again.
And anyway, if your parents
found out before you could tell them.
How does it...
Okay. You’re angry.
If you want to vent your
frustration then go ahead.
I won’t say a thing.
She asked for it.
Opportunities like these don’t come by.
Today I am going to speak up.
And vent everything out.
I’ve been lying since I was a kid,
Zoya, but it never got me into trouble.
I’ve been handling it well.
Because they are all my decisions.
But ever since you came in my life, did
you let me take a single decision?
Who decided that we’ll go for live-in?
Your decision.
Who decided where we’re going to stay?
Your decision.
And for that, I had to lie.
I did, but you’ve
got a problem with that too.
Why? Because you do.
That’s your decision.
You don’t let me drive.
You decide the sex position.
Dammit! Guys don't always
like the girl on top.
- Deep...
- I am not done yet, Zoya.
The cow urine punchline was your idea.
But I had to drink it.
Every artist should take a stand.
Every artist should take a stand.
But why should they have to?
I don’t want to take a stand.
My stand is that I don't have any stand!
So?
And the marriage idea?
Whose idea was that?
Yours, of course.
What changed would that have
brought In our lives?
Weren’t you happy with your life?
Why did you want to get married?
Why?
Because your dad left your mom.
Just because your dad was
a liar, doesn’t mean I can’t lie.
I am not him. I am not your dad.
Why are you punishing me for his deeds?
You know, I am sure he had
his reasons to leave.
Your mom might have also dominated...
That last line was
a little below the belt...
I took all the decisions.
It's my fault. I admit my mistakes.
But where did it all begin, Deep?
Let’s do standup together.
Whose decision was that?
Does it ring a bell?
Fine, I take responsibility
for that decision too.
Or maybe I was enjoying doing
standup with you, or whatever.
But not anymore.
Zoya...
My father was a weak person.
He abandoned me and mom.
It wasn’t our fault, Deep.
- Zoya, listen to me...
- No!
Don't follow me.
And if you ever try
to contact me again, then...
I’ll call the Police!
And you’ll be behind bars again!
“Away we go...spreading our wings.”
“Soaring far away”
“lest we know.”
“The only thing left between us”
“is a spew of words.”
“Millions of stars in the sky”
“but we see mere thousands.”
“Small things that we remember”
“but our love’s lost somewhere
among the wrong ones.”
Madam, what are you doing?
Sir's a noob, but you've got to be smart here .
Even you...
“I imagine...why are
all my journeys alone.”
“I must have written a story”
"like an alienated part of me."
I don’t care. Sort out your issues.
And if you can’t then
just tolerate each other.
It took me three-fucking-years.
We struggled to get here.
People come to watch Comedy Couple.
Don't forget that.
Zoya, please listen...
There’s no need to break
the professional relationship.
Hello. Hello.
She hung up, bro.
Fuck!
Sorry!
“The only thing left between us...”
“Millions of stars in the sky”
“but we see mere thousands.”
“Small things that we remember”
“but our love’s lost somewhere
among the wrong ones.”
My God, you guys will make me cry!
Stop it, guys, stop it!
Hey! Are you okay?
Don’t do it.
And now I don’t want
to bother her by pursuing her.
You should stop too.
And then you say fuck beer,
do you have a soft drink?
Let's drink a soft drink.
Forget soft drink, how about cold water?
No cold water either?
Fine.
Let it be.
And with that, I'll end this joke here.
I'd rather kill the joke
than serve time in jail.
Yes...
Now there’s a fourth stage.
I quit drinking beer.
But during the first three stages,
I got so addicted to beer
That now I can't get a
hang of anything else.
I just found out
I love gardening.
Watering your table plant
once a week is not gardening, dude.
And making paper planes
Have you started lying like Deep too?
You know,
being independent Is very critical.
Self-reliance and all.
Finally, mom's philosophy
is beginning to make sense.
I never understood my papa’s principles.
He claims to be a follower of Gandhiji.
But thrashed me up
with an ancestral umbrella.
He resorted to violence.
I kept lying all my life...to everyone.
But the first time I spoke the truth
he took a vow of silence.
Did dad break his vow of silence?
Not yet, son.
His face is more puffed up than my bread.
These days I am deep-ly studying a story.
The Wolf’s here. The Wolf’s here.
First, he gave the poor wolf a bad name.
Wasted people’s time.
And don’t even ask about the poor
goats.
Why?
You tell me why?
Because the guy was enjoying himself.
Well, lying is fun
but only in the beginning
However you get screwed eventually...
I used to think if
my intentions are clear,
Then there is nothing to fear.
But that’s not the case.
These are just excuses
we tell ourselves.
Man. Care to tell us a joke?
But I only tell the truth now.
That neighbour visited
again with her child.
She was saying look Deep, isn’t he cute?
He wasn’t cute.
He was ugly.
And I said it.
Aunty, he looks ugly.
I hope he looks better when he grows up.
She got furious and complained
about me in the society.
But I don't care.
Do you know what the
true test of true love is?
How long does a guy sit
in a darkroom after the breakup?
2-days.
1-week.
Mummy intro material.
1-month.
And you’ve been
there since 5-months.
Try to understand the sentiment.
I wish I could understand her sentiment.
Did you see a honeybee?
I mean, yeah, eventually our
equation turned a little 'lukewarm'.
I would always get
my morning coffee chilled
Anyway, from now on I'll
be sipping my chilled coffee in Paris
and in case I get lucky,
by the hands of some hunky Frenchmen.
Because I've already talked
to my super talented manager
I will be managing a French
artist after all. I have got to learn it.
When are you leaving?
I can't do it.
I am not up for it.
- Is my phone ringing?
- What can't you do?
What can't you do?
Hey...
Hey! Look at me. Look at me.
- Deep!
- My phone's ringing.
Whatever she wanted to
do was her decision. Okay!
Just hear me out once.
Just try once again. Please
Sometimes shows bomb and you know it.
- Once you get on stage...
- I don't want to go on stage.
I don't ever want
to go on stage.
And you should also
stop damaging your reputation.
- What is it, mom?
- Deep you’ve got to hear this.
I was eavesdropping on your father.
And I heard your video
playing on his phone.
"So I stand naked
in front of the mirror."
And ask "Papa, how does it feel to
see your son on the pinnacle of success?"
And even heard him laughing.
"This is such a cool story man,
even I want to do this."
"What? Stand naked
in front of the mirror?"
"Deep!"
I thought I wasn't
meant for the corporates.
I wanted to follow my passion.
So I could set an example
for others like me .
So, I quit my job.
But then I realised
I have no passion in life.
Then standup and
romance both entered my life.
Ohh...she’s got fans here too.
You guys won’t leave me alone, will you?
So basically I got both a lover
and a passion in a packaged deal.
Life was set.
But then I realised
that they weren't exclusive.
Standup was fun only
until she was around.
But now that she isn’t there
even standup feels like a job.
Didn’t you say he was funny?
Tell me something.
What the hell is this standup?
It's just jibber-jabber! No seriously.
But you know,
sometimes too much jibber-jabber
undermines the subtext.
And we say end up saying
.things we don’t mean
So...
I am thinking of taking
a break...from this jibber-jabber.
To take up an actual job.
And I’ll play scrabble as a pastime.
At least I'll learn
the importance of words.
Tell us a joke now.
So standup is just jibber-jabber for you?
And scrabble?
Do you know how to spell
anything apart from C-A-T or R-A-T?
What a confused audience?
Aren't they enjoying too much?
That's great.
The crowd's getting warmed up.
Are you sure?
What if we mess up, again?
You shouldn’t panic under pressure.
You were always right.
I am average
But without you,
I am below average.
Good. We'll use it.
I love you!
I love you too!
"Do you even know"
"what's in my heart?"
"Do you even know"
"what's in my heart?"
"I have never told you"
"that you were in my heart."
"I never even gave you clue."
"And look at what happened."
"I never imagined"
"this is where we’ll be."
"Even my nights"
"can’t be imagined without you."
"You're now my whole world."
"Do you even know?"
"what’s in my heart?"
"Do you even know?"
"what’s in my heart?"
"I never broke your heart."
"Because now it’s mine."
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."
It's not rocket science!
What a confused guy?
He's confused about his own name.
We’ll call you Shatrughan, okay?
So, what’s your name then?
Shatrughan.
What do you do?
Engineer.
Engineer, eh?
No wonder you have such low self esteem.
Where did you do your Engineering from?
- Right here.
- Here?
This is a bar.
A word of advice...
Stop having Iodex sandwiches for breakfast.
Alright, let's see who's next.
What do you do?
Gurri? What’s that?
Did you borrow that
accent from the hood?
What’s the matter? Can’t you speak in Hindi?
1...2...3...Come on.
Where do you choreograph?
You call dancing at
'weddings' choreography?
Bro Deep, how was my performance?
Your set was fine.
But I’ll catch you later.
Alright, cool.
This Bassi’s nailing it.
How the heck are we gonna keep up?
Isn’t the crowd enjoying too much?
That's nice.
The crowd's getting warmed up.
Baby, why don't you say the beer joke?
No, it’ll sound funnier coming from you.
It'll sound sexist coming from me.
Listen, don’t start with this again.
Everything's gonna be alright.
What if we mess up?
Deep dude, I am trying to relax here.
But your stress is killing my vibe.
You shouldn’t always
panic under pressure.
Everything's gonna be alright.
And if that doesn’t happen,
I’ll blame you for it.
Okay.
Okay?
You guys done?
Give us five minutes more, please.
You guys have to be on stage
in five minutes, sweetheart.
You guys need to strike while the iron's hot.
Please no religious or political jokes.
And can you please throw
in some abuses for my sake?
The crowd digs it.
Why don’t you do it then?
I’ll announce, coming
up next is Siddharth Jaiswal.
Simple.
You’re so funny naturally.
What happens to you on stage?
Alright?
I have never seen two
people perform together.
Maybe they’ve brought their own audience.
I’ll call them on stage.
Give them a huge round of applause.
And I am Deep Sharma.
As I'm sure you guys must be wondering..
That why are two people
doing comedy together?
Touché. So now that this gentleman has
glorified his achievements
Because all of us have some cute,
romantic & sweet stories.
See, how all the boys in the
house are filled with glee.
They're glad that at least one of
them is having sex more often.
No, no, no.
Stop feeding my vanity!
You’ll jinx my winning streak.
Baby, moments like
these remind me of my dad.
He had this unparalleled belief...
That I will achieve...
Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
He would keep nagging that
"I'll be nothing in life".
"Not in my career,
education, or sports."
“A dunce like you will
never even get a girl.”
I used to get shit-scared.
Sex.
I go stand naked in front of the mirror.
And ask
Hello papa, are you watching?
How does it feel to watch
your son at the pinnacle of success, eh?
Even I want to do it.
What? Standingnaked in front of the mirror?
Deep!
Not that!
No.
I meant a story like this.
Like I wish I ran away
from home when I was a kid.
But why?
Just like the way you revolted.
Struggled.
- You don't struggle, you revolt.
- Yes, revolt.
First learn to pronounce it, then try it.
Revolt.
But this can’t be my story
because my mom’s already
been there done that.
Stop laughing you shameless fool,
this is a true story.
My mom is the one
who strangled my dreams.
That's why my revolt
is for the opposite
I'm gonna be a
stereotypical married woman, Yo!
So, guys,
I have a theory about relationships.
The first stage of any
relationship is like chilled beer.
Before this,
your life had been drought-stricken.
Even a drop of water seemed
like a mirage.
And suddenly...chilled beer.
Ah, dem feels...
That first swig of cold beer.
Tricks you into believing you can have chilled beer every da
But then comes the second stage.
The beer’s slightly warmed up.
And you feel she’s getting short-tempered every now & then
But you don’t break a sweat yet
Since it’s the beer of your choice.
And I am no beer connoisseur.
I mean, connoisseur.
But then comes the third stage.
The beer's now lukewarm.
Lukewarm?
I'll tell you later.
The beer's become lukewarm
and you’re stuck with it.
All your friends know
that you like this beer.
All the other beers in the
market know you like this beer.
You can't guzzle down this beer
anymore
And now you're screwed, royally.
And then you say...
And then you finally say...
Someone just get me a soft drink.
No soft drink?
How about some coconut water?
Nah?
Coldwater, eh?
Fuck it! Does anyone have cow urine?
I am even willing to try that now.
At least that'll absolve me of my sins!
Amazing.
You also did fine, hero.
- Thanks.
- Big fan.
Did you see the audience's reaction?
That last punchline was gold!
They just walked into our trap.
- Guys. Guys. Guys.
- What happened?
- That was HCBC’s HR Head.
- The bank?
They want you to perform
at their next corporate event.
Are you serious?
Guys, guys, guys!
Corporate show.
Ergo, dull audience, heavy payments.
finally reaping the benefits of
struggling with you guys.
- This calls for a party.
- I know.
Get us shots.
Even Ashi had agreed.
Then go to her.
No guys. I can’t vibe with so
much happiness in one night.
Give me a hug, sweetheart.
“Tonight's something special”
“you’re in my arms.”
“What more can I ask for, then?”
"Let's go somewhere far away."
“Where the journey
never comes to an end.”
“Our destination’s calling.”
“I want to dwell in
your eyes for a while.”
“Before it’s morning again.”
“We're crazy in love,
who wants to go home?”
“Since we met”
“We've got nothing to worry.”
"We have to live on our own terms."
“Since we met”
“We've got nothing to worry.”
Good, lord!
Who chucks you out
of the house for kissing?
What fuck-up did you guys get into now?
Eh?
Have you two lost it completely?
Sir always seemed
ike a noob to me.
But et tu, madam?
You seemed smart.
You're publicly kissing your own brother?
But Deep is not my brother.
Madam, you know that.
I know that.
But the society believes
that you guys are siblings.
Kukreja aunty displaced her hip.
She’ll have to get her hip replaced.
All the gully boys are now gonna
tease her ‘Shakira-Shakira’.
Deep, what's he saying?
Uh... Baby, see you loved this flat
And these bloody society members don’t
allow a live-in couple.
- So then Timmy...
- Timmy? For real?
I mean... both of us decided that we
will tell them... that we are ‘siblings’.
- I'll kill you.
- I’ll get hurt.
- How could you say that?
- It's not a big deal, everybody lies.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Control yourselves.
You two have already
humiliated yourselves.
But I've still got a
reputation to keep.
Don't taint my reputation.
This is Sector 8.
All the watchmen here salute me.
Hey hero...
He's new.
They get replaced every year.
Now, what do we do?
Lunch?
Seriously?
Deep, I'll whack hell out of you!
I am literally famished here.
This body needs food to fuel ideas, baby.
Ok, here’s a plan. Why don’t
you leave with Timmy on his bike.
While I gather our stuff
and follow you in the car.
Nope.
You ride with him, and I'll get the car.
"Ride with Timmy."
At least, take our belongings.
Timmy! Zoya is bat-shit furious.
Please just hustle us another
place somehow today itself.
Have you seen the
temple here in Pashchim Vihar?
My uncle is a ceremonial reader there.
I can get hook you a room there.
There will be a common bathroom.
You’ll have to cover your head.
Madam, will have to cover
everything else.
Bro, c'mon we can't live in a Temple.
Why not?
Learn to bond with God.
This the problem with your generation.
Are you not younger than me?
Yeah?
Sir, I won't beat around the bush here.
If you want a nice place,
then either wait
Or change this live-in status of yours.
Baby...
Let's get married?
What's wrong with you?
At least hear me out.
I'll chuck this burger at you, baby.
Take the skewer out first.
It can poke her in the eye.
Zip up & sip on your turmeric milk.
And baby, just listen to my proposition
I have a Jain uncle in Billari.
He can easily get us a fake
marriage certificate.
Nailed it.
Brother, you nailed it.
- Tell her.
- That's all we need, dear sister.
A photo, a wedding card
and a marriage certificate.
That's all.
That's all?
What do you want?
Do you serve marijuana here?
Ma’am, even for possessing
a small quantity
one can be sentenced to a 6-month jail.
Because it’s illegal.
Is it Illegal?
Not only illegal
It can also destroy relationships
Friends become strangers...
I can’t even begin to tell you.
Then don't tell us, buddy.
We're fine.
You take care of yourself.
Did you hear?
Do you guys want to end up in jail?
Baby, no one's gonna travel all
the way to Billari to check.
Deep, I don’t want to
lie my way into another house.
Then, it’ll take me around
a couple of weeks.
Make your arrangements till then.
We can go to Aditi’s place.
Look, baby, I love you a lot and all,
but I can't tolerate Aditi's sermons.
Look guys,
I am all in for women’s rights.
I am also pro-feminism.
But Aditi is a class apart.
Even if I spend 30 minutes with her
I end up loathing myself for being born as a man.
Let’s go to Rohan’s place.
Now take that pig out from there
and try to shove it into Rohan’s place.
Zoya, why don’t you ever listen to me?
I will! But you need to
say something sensible for that.
Chill out guys.
You two are already behaving
like a married couple.
See, why don’t you guys shack up
with your friends for a couple of weeks?
Meanwhile, let me find a permanent solution.
See you guys, then.
Ciao!
Baby...how can I live without you?
I don't know how
I lived without you, bro.
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smokey-Smoke"
Come in.
"Smokey-Smoke"
"Smoke is not injurious to health,
smoke is all you'll get here."
"I eat and drink smoke,
smoke is all I live on."
Lookout. Be careful.
Please Aditi. Like this? At least let me change.
Why do you want to change?
But I just asked you once.
Now go out looking like this.
And when guys like you,
will leer at you, the way you do
only then will you understand.
I got it.
I understood. Please just forgive me.
Such a shabby mess.
Bro. Do you wanna take a dump?
The flush is broken.
Where do you go then?
Bro, there are seven
floors in this building.
And seven days make a week.
As in?
Bro, every night people
place their dustbins out.
That's gross, man.
Mom?
I am making an entire series on it.
A nude series?
Hear me out. We haven't broken up.
Oh!
We had to vacate that flat.
So till we find a new apartment.
Thank you.
You should do stand-up independently, too.
Mom, please.
When the world sees
a woman alone on stage...
She's gone.
Nowadays, there are many independent
female comics all over the world.
But Deep and I...
Bro, is there anything around to eat?
Yeah.
Did you see that honeybee?
I know dear, things were quite
dysfunctional during your childhood.
You don’t need to get stuck in these
stereotypical relationships.
Deep, mom. Deep Sharma.
Deep knows I am allergic to olives.
Once they accidently put olives
in our pizza.
Do you know what Deep did after that?
He spammed the pizza company with emails so bad
That till this day, we get free pizza.
He wakes up before me,
makes coffee for me.
Then stores it in the fridge.
So that I get iced-coffee
when I get up.
"Empty"
"Empty heart..."
"Can't even clap my hands."
"I love so much"
"my naive heart revolts against me."
"You're my pumpkin, my munchkin"
"and I am soda without fizz."
"For you, I pine"
"like a gardener without a flower."
"Crying all day"
"and boozing till I fall asleep."
"I shed so many tears"
“that left me with
black spots under my eyes."
"I've crossed all limits"
"and I am losing my identity."
"Now even my irked bros call"
"Swear at me by my mother."
"Swear at me by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
"Swear by my mother."
Yeah?
What is it, Siddhu?
You guys haven't
checked out YouTube yet?
How did this happen?
We haven't posted any video recently.
You two keep forgetting
that you've got a sexy manager.
I uploaded a clip of your show
from day before, just to test the waters.
But you guys made it to number 3.
- That's great, but...
- Fucking crazy
Why are we whispering though?
I am taking a dump right now.
Guess where?
In a hotel with Ashi.
Great going, my man. You finally scored.
Listen, don't forget to flush.
Oh yeah, right.
"A magical place called Tinder."
Baby, it's got one million views.
Just imagine George Carl,
Russel Peters, Zakir Khan.
Deep and Zoya.
Zoya and Deep.
Zoya and Deep!
Umm..
Your mom's calling.
'When I first told my parents
that I ate chicken in college'
‘they stopped talking to me
for one whole month.'
'So I stopped'
'Telling them anything.'
'They were happy, so was I.'
'Now, going by the same strategy.
I haven't told them yet'
'that I quit my good
old' six-figure IT job'
'to start a career in stand-up comedy.'
'What do you think?'
'Have they seen the video?'
Yes, mom. What's happened?
What do I tell you, son?
Your father's piles are acting up again.
You know, he's become very agitated.
Oh, that's fine.
- No what I meant was...Is he okay?
He's fine, otherwise.
Give me the phone.
Here, talk to your father.
What will I talk to him about?
Hello, son.
Hello, dad. Greetings.
Where are you?
Haven't you left for office yet?
I was just about to leave, dad.
Hope everything's good at your job?
We heard that IT companies
are going through a rough phase.
No, papa, nothing like that.
In fact, I just landed a new project.
It keeps me busy.
Look son, stay focussed on your job then.
These corporates don't
have a soft spot for anyone.
It's not like a government job
where you are sorted till retirement.
No! No!
What no, no, no?
No, I mean you're right, papa.
I shall focus on my job.
Alright, here talk to your mother.
Munnu, listen.
Son, The Navratris begin tomorrow.
Chill mom, I won't eat eggs during Navratri.
Okay. I'll call you later.
Lies, lies, and more lies.
How much can one lie?
Baby, did you tell mom-dad
that we're trending?
These things don't matter to them.
Did you give her that cough syrup?
Oh yeah, she was thanking you.
She said, Zoya is so sweet.
What happened?
I was thinking...
It will take us a while
to find a new houe.
But in this process we can
get a lot of content.
Shall we write some material
on house hunting?
Voila.
No man, not again.
We cannot deal with
this bachelor label again.
This has become our daily routine.
We go house huntingbut return getting rejected.
They say
That 'happiness' is the hardest thing to find in life
But..
We've already found happiness.
Can’t find a home. though.
that meeting the owner of a house
is just like going on a Tinder date.
First, you check out the photos
of the house, then you reach out.
And if the broker gets you a match
then we get to meet
the owner, which usually end up in
awkward conversations.
- Do you smoke?
- At times, sir.
No, sir.
- Do you booze?
- Of course, sir.
Not at all, sir.
Do you eat meat?
- Of course, ma'am.
- Good lord, no!
Go ahead, read it.
Uh..Sir, where will
unmarried couples live in Gurgaon then?
They can live here.
But only after getting married.
Yeah, but exactly is your
problem with unmarried couples?
- So what?
- So what?!
This is illegal.
Don't family members have sex?
Drop it, Zoya.
Colonel Bakshi!
Colonel Bakshi,
don't people in this society have sex?
Don't you have sex
with your wife, sir?
No, no. Just tell us if you don't.
We'll leave right away, sir.
I have lots of sex with my wife!
We have sex all the time!
Hey, watchman! Come here.
Tell them what I do all day?
He has sex.
How did that guard know?
Guys, one day we're gonna
meet our perfect match. Right?
When we see an apartment
and exclaim "gosh".
Sorry guys, we can't get this place.
These fuckers too want
a marriage certificate.
Yeah bro, that’s what I am saying.
Yes.
Dude, I really liked this one.
Baby, why are you stressing yourself?
I'll handle everything.
You really enjoy lying.
You enjoy feeling like a conman, don't you?
Baby, anything to be with you.
You can lie for me, but not to me.
Someone get me a soft drink, man.
Maybe a Rasna,
Frooty, Roohafza or even tea...
No, tea? Chuck it.
Forget water.
Someone get me cow urine!
at least I'll get to be a certified nationalist.
Really nice!
Deep...
Hmm?
Is that house still available?
Which one?
The one we liked. With the balcony.
Maybe.
But you know they'll ask
for a marriage certificate and all.
Shall we get a marriage certificate, then?
Baby, for real?
Listen, listen... don’t joke with me.
Don’t get excited. Listen.
What if something goes wrong?
Don’t worry. I am there.
Wait. Let me talk to
Jain uncle right away...
Wait...
Just hold on a second.
- Deep...
- Just a second.
Jai Jinendra, uncle.
Yes, yes, yes.
How've you been?
I am doing great, uncle.
Uncle, I needed some help.
I need to get a certificate made.
No, not, for high school marksheet.
I need a marriage certificate.
Marriage certificate?
It's almost ready...
Actually, the kids just got married last week.
And you know how slow our government is.
It’ll take weeks if not a month
for the marriage certificate.
I’ll home deliver it to you,
You have my word.
The society rules are stringent.
Don’t take more than a month.
Otherwise, the society will
chuck them out without my permission.
And I will keep the deposit
without your permission.
You can keep it, sir.
No one wants it back?
Let's just shake on this deal.
Is it a deal, then?
Done.
Just a second.
Bro. It’s a done deal!
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know it?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never really...told you.”
“You’re the one in my heart.”
"I never even gave you clue...”
"And look at what happened to my heart."
Deep?
What’s wrong, mom?
It’s me, not your mom.
Listen, Deep.
What all do you lie to me
about on regular day-to-day basis?
Please, let me sleep.
The problem is...
that he speaks these dirty little lies
Did you brush your
teeth before turning in?
Yeah, baby.
- Did you bathe today?
- Yeah, baby.
Is that women pregnant with your child?
Yeah, baby.
No, baby.
I haven’t done anything with that lady.
Liar!
"I never imagined”
“this is where we’ll be.”
“Even my nights”
“can’t be imagined without you.”
"You're now my whole world.”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never broke your heart.”
“Because now it’s mine.”
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."
Hi, Vinayak.
See you next week.
Will you have me or the pizza first?
You.
- Is this enough?
- Yeaha, thats it.
Thank you.
Greetings, uncle, how are you?
Oh! Greetings, brother.
What?!
What happened? Tell me.
Remember I had asked Jain
uncle for that certificate?
What about it?
He ate garlic.
Garlic? So.
He's a follower of Jainism.
He never ate garlic all his life.
He died of a heart attack.
So, the certificate?
The guy’s dead, Zoya
The Italians use garlic in every darn thing.
They believe that garlic
makes the heart stronger.
Can someone please tell
them about my Jain uncle?
This is not done.
This won’t do.
Sometimes, you get caught
smooching in the elevator you & call me at 6 am
Why? Because you got thrown out.
And now you call me at midnight to tell me
that your uncle kicked
the bucket because he ate garlic.
And that you can’t get
the marriage certificate.
Guys, will you ever let
anyone sleep or not?
I had a natural glowing skin.
Now, it’s filled with pimples.
And for what?
For the next flat, I'll charge you
full brokerage and advance too.
What do you mean?
Sister, you needed a marriage certificate
for this flat, which you don’t have.
So pack your bags and
move on to the next one.
The same problem all over again.
Again, we will have
to make a fake certificate.
Say.
See, you guys do standup together.
You two even live together.
And i'm sure you guys also...
So then why don't you
guys get married for real?
You’ll get an original certificate.
You won’t have to leave this house.
And you'll save on the deposit money as well.
It’s a stupid idea.
Don't worry. We’ll invite you when we get married.
We’re not getting married right now,
we just need a certificate.
Leave us alone,
Timmy, we’ll figure this out.
Did you hear that?
I am not deaf yet.
And I won’t fall for your
lies of inviting me to the wedding.
Have you ever invited
me to a single show?
Baby, please, listen to me.
I have another uncle in Ghaziabad.
I’ll talk to him...
Baby, we have nothing
to prove to your mom.
Like what? We only need a certificate...
Listen. Listen...
So basically you’re an average person.
You are quite average, sir.
Listen, as long as
I am clear that someday...
Yeah, baby, but...
You always break my friggin flow?
What was I saying?
- Someday..
- Someday or the other, I want to marry you.
And as long as you’re clear
about marrying me someday
what does it even matter?
Whether we get married
today or sometime later.
Let's just do it.
Okay, okay...
What the hell man?
What are you doing?
Please?
Yes! Yes!
Please?
Baby...
Sorry.
Oh my god! Problem solved.
Certificate done.
That's not how it works, babe.
We’ve got to get a date from the court.
It can take some time.
Now, that’s an insult to me.
Do you know what people call me?
Timmy ‘Jugadu’ Walia.
You’ll get a date tomorrow morning.
Get it done then.
Consider it done.
Get your attires in a row.
We’ll need three witnesses
the rest I’ll tell you over the phone.
Hairband?
Fuck.
What happened?
Actually,
you should call your parents too.
Let’s do it together.
Baby, baby, listen, listen...
Listen...
- What?
- Listen...
Why is there no network?
Look, baby, listen...
- What?
- Listen...
Let's not tell your mom?
Yeah, but she won’t be able to come, anyway.
She'll join us on a video call.
But...then she will
ask about my parents, right?
Won’t she?
They can’t come.
Why can’t your parents come?
Listen to me...
Come here.
Come here.
Please.
Look, if I call up my mom
and say I am getting married tomorrow
She will call up my aunt first.
And dad will call my uncle.
Uncle and aunty will make
this news viral all over Billari.
Then they will call my mom and dad, again.
And say how can they
get married like this?
My mom will call me back and
say you can’t get married like this.
She will call a priest,
find an auspicious date.
Then they'll invite at least 500 people
only then will they call it a wedding.
And all of this will take
at least a couple of months.
And you know, babe, we’re completely
sold out for the next couple of months.
We'll have to cancel all of them.
But we need the certificate
right now, baby.
Look, we're getting married
in haste for the certificate
Right?
So let’s get married...just like that.
Like this...without families?
Yeah, when we plan our wedding,
we’ll invite them.
Don't overthink,
baby, let's just get over with it.
Okay, let’s get it over with.
Baby, is Aditi coming?
I’ll call check in with Siddhu.
Yeah, say?
Siddhu, please be there by 12:30.
Be where?
I told you yesterday that
Zoya and I are getting married.
You’re our third witness.
You were joking, right?
You are joking now, right?
Were you serious?
Of course, I was serious.
This is nothing to joke about.
You standup comics are impossible.
It's hard to say whether you guys
are serious or trying out a new joke.
You said I am getting married, come over.
I didn’t like the joke,
I said okay and hung up.
Drop whatever you’re doing
and meet us in 30 minutes.
I am in Jaipur, bro.
Taking pictures of
your next standup venue.
You guys were being such stars and saying
you know our manager should
be taking photos every day.
Hello?
Hello?
No worries.
You guys always manage to run
into a mess.
Two guys are sorted.
Madam, your friend is coming.
I am already here.
We just one more person
who has an Aadhar card.
That’s it.
Hello.
Listen, just come down to the
court right now.
Who is this?
It’s Deep.
Oh shit, Deep.
Wazzup?
Just come down to the court?
Why? Did you get arrested
for drunk driving?
I meant the marriage court.
Zoya and I are getting married.
You’re our third witness.
Ask him to get his Aadhar Card.
And carry your Aadhar card, alright?
Why? Are you catching a flight?
Who takes a flight from the court?
Was wondering the same.
Come soon, okay.
Calm down, guys, calm down.
- I'm getting it done, bro.
- Hurry up.
[indistinct chatter]
Where did you get this sari from?
Deep's mom sent this for
me when he went home for Diwali.
You mean your mother-in-law?
Looks nice.
Like an obedient daughter-in-law.
Well...Timmy's gone
looking for a witness.
In case Rohan doesn't show up.
Hey...
Hi.
Baby, don't be stressed.
Everything will be fine.
Now give me a smile.
We're getting married today, baby.
Hello, no smoking here.
Rohan.
What are you doing?
Give that to me.
What happened, bro?
I hope she’s not pregnant and all.
Are you nuts?
Did you get your Aadhar card?
I've got my Country Club card.
It's accepted at the airport.
They'll accept it here as well.
Stop doing cheap drugs.
I am trying to quit.
You're in court, bro.
No, it's a shirt, bro.
Listen, aunty won't
mind if you tell her later.
It's your marriage, you got to smile.
Don't get married.
Zoya!
Bro, what's the name of your wife?
Zoya.
I think Zoya wants
to have the baby alone.
Bye.
Zoya, wait.
Zoya!
Zoya!
Zoya!
Where are you running off to?
Zoya.
- Zoya.
- Zoya.
Zoya.
What are you doing?
What's wrong?
Baby, what are you doing?
I'm sure this is Aditi's idea.
Who throws away a joint, dude?
Keep it, down.
I found a witness.
Where are you guys going?
The judge is all prepped and ready.
I think she's going for an abortion.
Whose?
Why are you doing, baby?
I don't want to get married.
I said I don't want to get married!
Wasn't this your idea?
My idea was to get married.
But not like this without the family.
So you are not pregnant?
Be quiet.
It's getting warm.
Hand me your phone.
Call your mom-dad and tell
them that you're getting married.
As I explained earlier,
baby, it will take a 2-3 months for us to get married
So we'll wait.
- We'll get thrown out of the house.
- We'll stay in a hotel.
Baby, we won't get
our security deposit.
So we'll make more money.
As you said, our shows are sold
out for the next couple of months.
- Yes, baby, but...
- Call them.
What are you waiting for?
What's the problem?
- It's not like that.
- Then what is it?
It's not like they
don't like you exactly.
Then?
What?
They don't know that you
or anyone else is a part my life.
But the other day you said that
your mom thanked me for the cough syrup.
So you never gave her the syrup?
You did. And said what? Who gave it?
Me.
And this sari?
You said your mom sent this for
me when you visited them for Diwali.
I bought it from Karol Baug.
I bought it from Karol Baug.
You said your mom bought this from
some temple to save me from bad omen.
And yet I am presently wearing this to please
my future mother-in-law
like a fucking idiot.
No wonder you never talk to
your mom and dad when I am around.
Zoya...
Zoya!
Open the door, please.
Zoya?
Don't do anything stupid.
Don't slash your wrist or anything!
Open the door!
Seriously?
Baby...what are you doing?
Why are you packing?
Well, eventually we'll
get thrown out of this house
so I thought it's better to leave.
Okay... Okay, done.
I'll come too.
Get my bags too.
We'll stay in a hotel
for a couple of months.
Meanwhile, I'll come up
with a plan to tell my parents.
They will be angry.
They will even be a little mad at me.
But I'll manage.
This will take some time, baby.
A few months. Maybe a year or so?
But I'll manage. I swear by my mom.
Deep, remember that story...
The boy who cried wolf?
The one about the shephard & the Wolf?
Your wolf is here. Pass me my bag.
Baby...
- Bag!
- I won't give it.
- Bag!
- I won't give up.
Baby, listen to me.
Baby, my parents are very orthodox.
They don't understand
live-in relationships.
So I told them a petty lie, that's it.
They live in Billari.
It's a small city.
I didn't cheat on you. I love you.
Doesn't that matter matter the most?
You know what's weird, Deep.
I am not mad that you lied.
I am mad because my
mom was right all along.
Fuck!
"I never imagined”
“this is where we’ll be.”
“Even my nights”
“can’t be imagined without you.”
"...my whole world.”
Forget it.
I'll call you later.
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“Do you even know?”
“what’s in my heart?”
“I never broke your heart.”
“Because now it’s mine.”
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."
I'll be there, man.
Munnu?
Dad?
Don't wear sunglasses.
You're looking like a honeybee.
Even your son couldn't recognise you.
I wore it to block the sun.
Is it sunny in here?
Munnu.
Munnu, son it's us. You mom and dad.
Your dad's piles is getting worse.
Open the door, son!
I told you, let's not bother him.
But no...
You're hard to convince.
I got worried when he
wasn't picking up his phone.
As if you're getting
a grand welcome here.
- Why isn't he opening the door?
- Open.
- Munnu.
- Greetings, mom...dad.
You guys. Here?
- Why weren't you answering our calls?
- Take our luggage.
And don't forget
your grandpa's umbrella.
Yes, dad.
And why did you close
the door on our face?
I had to rush to the loo, so I ran.
But I left the door open..
Is your digestion okay?
Yes, mom. Why what's wrong?
You're burning up. Lie down,
and I'll give you cold water straps.
Listen, get me the
herbal concoction from the bag.
- But mom...
- Where is the kitchen?
On dad's right.
Okay.
- The place looks nice.
- Yes.
But why is this wall so sad and empty?
The pictures are still getting framed.
But I prepped the walls first.
I thought I'll put up the
pictures as soon as I get them.
Whose pictures?
Well...
Gandhiji, then Bhagat Singh,
Sardar Patel, Uncle Nehru, Ambedkar...
Bose, Azaad,
Sarojini Naidu, Rani Laxmibai.
Mangal Pandey. Rajguru Sadhguru...
I mean Sukhdev...
Twelve names, but there
are thirteen nails on the wall.
You're the thirteenth...
I mean your picture
will be the thirteenth one.
No, son. My picture among
such great personalities. No...
Papa, you're my ideal.
Who's picture will I put up here?
Okay.
Put up a small one down here.
Yes, papa.
Please, come.
This is the area is for drying clothes.
Are we going to stay here?
No, papa, this is the owner's room.
He keeps his belongings here.
It's always locked.
That room in front is yours.
This bra?
Does this belong to you?
It belongs to the lady upstairs.
Sometimes her clothes fall down here.
- I'll return it.
- Yes, go return it now.
No, I'll do it later.
Hurry up, she might need it.
Doesn't matter,
Papa, she must have more.
Listen, where are you?
There you are.
I told you to get me the concoction,
and you're killing time here.
Where is the concoction?
I'll get it myself.
What are you hiding there?
- Nothing.
- Come, I'll show you where.
God!
Hello.
Did you two have a fight?
No.
Why is your first
response always a lie?
You didn't show up for the rehearsal.
Zoya's here all alone.
When I asked her about you,
she asked me to find out myself.
Rehearsal for what?
We've got a show today.
How can you forget?
Come down here and rehearse quickly.
I can't come. Mom and dad are here.
Then bring them too.
They will have a good time here.
No, no, they don't understand jokes.
Don't worry,
I'll manage without a rehearsal.
And listen,
I need pictures of freedom fighters.
I am sending you a list.
Send it over to my place.
Listen, will you
be on time for the show?
Hello.
Hello. Oh, God.
Munnu...
- Yes, papa.
- Don't you have office today?
I have office in the evening.
Who goes to work in the evening?
We work for an American client.
So we've to work
according to their time.
I see...
Yes.
To make any lie successful,
you need two people.
A liar and a believer.
It's wrong to blame the liar alone.
Fuck!
Just two minutes.
What's up with you two?
The crowd's settled
in and it’s time for your entry.
It’s your time to perform.
Are you going to perform like this?
I am the asshole.
I am an asshole for
running around for you two.
It's a shitty job.
You got to listen to the organiser,
the artist.
No one ever thinks about the manager.
Hey...you two.
This isn't just about you two.
My career's on the line as well.
I even broke up with Ashi.
Don't give me any more stress, please.
I told you...to flush.
Come on.
My mom and dad are here.
I am Deep Sharma.
Apparently.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Be honest with me,
and raise your hands, please.
How many of you lie?
Raise your hands.
See... see...
Wow... at least they
are honest about their lying.
Exactly, they are admitting.
And we've proved
that the rest are liars.
So basically...everyone lies.
No, no, no, Deep, come on.
You're not a kid anymore who
when his mom asks mom asks
whether he's done his homework or not.
Yes I did it.
And when your teacher asks
why did you not do your homework...
Mom was sick
Exactly.
All these bad habits
come from childhood.
And once you cling on to this habit,
there's no going back.
Let me tell you a story.
Once mom and dad got into
a pretty heated argument.
Mom was furiously ranting...
If you want to be your mama's boy,
then I'll go live
with my parents for good.
And dad was being a wise guy.
Leave if you want.
I'll just marry someone else.
Loud screams, yelling...
And mom used her infallible weapon.
She started crying.
Dad was scared out of her wits.
The neighbours gathered around,
hearing the commotion.
Mom and dad were both
scared out of their wits.
The neighbours began to
ask why are you crying, sister?
What seems to be the problem, brother?
No answer.
The neighbours turned towards me.
I was this small...standing
there like a bundle of innocence.
And my only fault
was that I was standing there.
So they asked me.
Why was your mom crying, son?
I took a long, deep breath,
thought for a second and said...
Mom's aunt in Benares passed away.
That's why she was crying.
Mom and dad were in splits.
And till this day they
have never had a fight.
In front of me.
But tell me something...
Tell me...
How did this affect this naive mind?
Mister?
Sister...?
lying is a useful life skill.
And if you master it... no problem...
No problem can ever touch you!
- Come.
- What are you doing?
Uncle... what are you doing?
- Come, son, I'll take you to your
next show. - What are you doing?.
Siddhu.
Siddhu, where are you?
Sir... Wait a second, sir.
- Siddhu.
- Wait a minute, sir.
Where are you taking me, sir?
We're taking you to
Narela Police Station.
- But what's wrong?
- We have a warrant against him.
Section 295A...
Hurting Religious Sentiments.
Wait a minute, sir.
But I am an atheist.
Well, that doesn't give you
the right to say whatever you want.
How dare you insult cow urine?
- Sir...
- You've made a joke out of cow urine!
Sir, we had no intentions
of hurting any religion.
We were using the harsh realities
in relationships as a setup
and we used cow urine as our punchline
so that our material gets
further exaggerated. You know?
What is she saying?
She's trying to explain
the joke.
Okay, but why do you crack
jokes that need to be explained
Come. I've heard enough of you.
Wait a minute, Sir.
Let’s talk in private.
Wait a minute, sir.
Get lost. Get in.
- Please.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Wait a minute.
- I'll handle...
Let’s be civil about this, Sir.
Leave my hand.
Do you want to give me a massage?
Who are you?
I am their manager, Sir.
Oh I see... so you're
the root of the problem.
Leave my hand or else
I'll arrest you too.
Do you want some more?
Do you?
You've turned religion into a joke.
Insulting cow urine.
Sorry, sir.
I'll set you straight
at the Police Station.
Deep was shit-scared anyway.
He was like let's not do it.
Let's not get in this mess.
Sir, can we get a selfie?
Just one.
Come up with some proper jokes.
Yes, Sir. Next time, I promise.
- Tarun Singh.
- Yes, sir.
Repeat the joke that
you said yesterday.
Of course, sir.
She said hi.
She said hi.
Wow...
She said hi.
But got offended, when
I asked her - your place or mine?
You should try using such clean jokes.
Understood.
Or you'll get screwed all your life.
Royally screwed!
Sorry, sir, may I...
- Hello.
- Siddhu, where are you guys?
Send me the pin. I'll come over.
Hold on. Don’t worry
He's going to be okay.
Some smalltime wannabe
political outfit has done this.
It's okay. We'll go to the magistrate's
office tomorrow, and he'll get bail.
And what if he doesn't
get bail tomorrow?
Then three years of jail.
That was a joke.
You do understand a joke, don't you?
You guys are comedians, aren't you?
Okay, bye.
"The path of life...no
wonder where they will take you."
"Let no one ask me such questions."
"No destination or
arms to cuddle up in..."
"Can someone ask how I am doing?"
"Whenever I wanted some love,
rejection is all I got."
"Like it never was my destiny."
"But this time...my luck's
gone for a complete toss."
"There's no one that can save me now."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I'm knocked out."
"I am screwed..."
"This time I am screwed bad..."
"I am screwed..."
"I am screwed..."
"I am screwed..."
Deep's mom has called seventeen times.
I don't know what to tell her.
Will you handle them?
Coming. Just a minute.
Deep. Deep. Deep. Deep.
Okay. Deep is sick?!
Deep is... No!
Deep's phone..
Deep's lost his phone?
Deep's phone... No.
Deep's phone...
- Deep's phone...
- He just called.
- He just called a while ago.
- Okay.
He was working late last night.
He'll be coming home shortly.
Do you work with Munnu, dear?
Munnu?
Deep.
Deep?!
Do you work with Munnu in his office?
Office?
- Office...
- Office.
Yes, I work with Munnu-Deep
in the office.
Okay, aunty, I'll leave then. Bye.
Not like this.
Come inside. Have a cup of tea.
- No, aunty, thank you. Next time.
- Come in, dear.
Come in, dear, come.
[sanskrit shlok]
[sanskrit shlok]
Hello, uncle.
Hello.
She is Munnu's friend.
I see.
Zoya.
Zoya?.
Zoya Batra.
I see... So do you work
with Deep in the same office?
Yes.
Are you a software engineer as well?
No.
I am...in the accounts department.
She's an accountant.
I mean...Commerce is good too.
But it can't be compared with Science.
Have some tea, dear.
Thank you, aunty.
- Which floor do you live in?
- 7th.
Cool.
Where are you going?
- Toilet.
- Bro, use your own toilet.
My mom and dad are at home.
Please use your own home.
Your mom and dad have a problem
with the concept of taking a dump?
Oh god, Siddhu,
why do you eat so much?
Listen, my parents don't
know about my standup.
So don't say anything absurd.
Use the loo and get lost.
Munnu's home.
Hi, aunty.
Sorry, where is the toilet?
It's on the left.
Were you sleeping on the platform?
Hello, uncle.
Hello.
Toilet, please?
Who are you?
Uncle, he works with
us in the same office.
Software engineer?
No uncle, actually I am their manager.
Uncle, toilet?
Hello, papa.
Is he your manager?!
Yes, papa...he's the manager.
Don't you have a
toilet in your office?
We do...
But the flush is broken, so...
So tell your manager to get it fixed.
You guys work all night so you
must have the basic facilities.
Absolutely right, papa.
And look at your condition.
Seems like you're coming from jail.
Jail?
Did you tell him?
Tell me what?
Papa, long coding sessions
are called 'jail'.
Because we can't get out of it,
that's why.
What kind of a name is this?
- Must be a joke...
- Yes.
Yes, papa, it's just a joke.
Jail is not a joke!
My father's been
to jail with Gandhiji.
He's been to jail a dozen
times during the freedom struggle.
You'll understand
if you ever go to jail.
And you can't handle
a 12-hour session.
Yes. I agree.
And Mr. Manager,
get the toilets in your office fixed.
- You're using your employee's toilets.
- Yes.
I'll leave then.
Not like this, son.
Have breakfast with us.
Tell him, son.
Well, I am hungry.
Yeah...
You've already taken a dump.
Have food also.
By the way, Mr. Manager,
has Munnu been doing his job
with dedication and honesty?
Yes, with dedication and honesty.
Have some more fried breads, son.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Take some more, dear.
- You know, Munnu...
- Some more vegetables, dad?
- No, son. Munnu...
- Some chicken?
Munnu...in his childhood
used to lie a lot.
I thought he'll never
achieve anything in life.
Right?
No need to laugh.
I am a government employee.
I believe that...
- More vegetables, dad?
- Wait, son.
Let me talk.
A foundation based on
lies never lasts for too long.
Someday it comes crumbling down.
- Now give me some fried breads.
- Yes.
I think Deep's taken
after his grandfather.
Yes, he's been to jail.
And even he's been to jail.
But he went to jail with Gandhiji.
Who did you go to jail with?
We should tell your
mom and dad about this.
A foundation based on
lies never lasts for too long.
- But yours did.
- Yes.
Oh God!
Oh shit.
Now you understand, don't you?
How could I've told them about us?
They would've never understood.
Yes, your mom-dad would've
not understood. But I would have.
Why did you hide it from me?
I won't do it again.
You look so cute when you're angry.
Promise I won't do it again.
Guys, there's been another fuckup.
What is it now?
There's another FIR against you.
- What?
- Who?
Same fucking milkman. Apparently,
he owns some dairy in Faridabad.
- Oh, God.
- What is this charade?
- Baby, I don't want to go to jail again.
- Wait.
The lawyer says you
should apologise, maybe...
Apologise for what?
We haven't made any mistake.
Listen, let's go to court and fight this.
Hold your horses.
Let's apologise and get it over with.
God, you never take a stand.
What kind of an artist are you, Deep?
I am a compromised artist.
Hollow from the inside.
I don't have a problem
with apologising.
Figure it out. Call them now.
And let's go now.
Call them.
Forgive me, uncle. I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have made fun of the cow.
The cow is our mother.
And I disrespected her.
I apologise from deep down my heart.
Hey stupid, does this look
like a wrestling bout to you?
Apologise in your own language.
The cow will forgive you.
But you got to apologise
to the females for
using foul language.
My ladies, forgive me.
Fool, apologise to the one next to you.
Hey lady, please forgive me.
Touch her feet and apologise.
Forgive me.
Say it louder.
- Please forgive me! I forgive you.
- I forgive you!
How many times have I said don't come
so close when you're chewing tobacco.
Imbecile fellow.
Can we go now, uncle?
But don't repeat this mistake.
The cow is our mother.
- And making fun of her...
- We weren't making fun of her, uncle.
It turned into a joke because
people started laughing.
I can never make fun of the cow.
My grandfather had
immense respect for cows
In fact, he used to
drink cow urine every day.
He was healthy.
In fact, he was 99-years-old...fell
one short of 100.
Even father believes in it,
so he drinks cow urine every day.
So he'll live a long life too.
You see, pure cow urine isn't
available in the city.
Otherwise,
even I would drink it every day.
Don't you get pure cow urine in the city?
It's always adulterated.
It was lukewarm.
Lukewarm?
It was lukewarm?
I can't understand whether
I drank cow urine or his urine?
My grandpa used to drink it,
so does my father.
Its pure form is not available in the
city. Otherwise, I would drink it too.
Now you suffer.
Serves you for lying.
No...no more lying.
I will stick to the truth now.
- Really?
- Swear on mom.
Your mother’s
swear or the cow mother?
I always get screwed when
I try to lie and be a wise-ass.
- True.
- But not anymore.
I'll tell them that I quit
my job two years ago
and now I do standup comedy.
And...
And?
I'll tell them about us.
From henceforth, whatever I say...
Please, don't say anything right now.
Go home, get some mouthwash.
In fact, you should drink
the entire mouthwash. All of it.
Clean your mouth.
Come clean to your parents
and then you can call me. Bye.
He drank urine.
Papa, I want to talk to you.
Let's involve mom too.
Mom-dad, I want to talk to both of you.
Mom-dad, I want to talk to both of you
Better. Better. Better. Come on.
You won't believe what happened today.
Deep, mom.
Deep!
Hear me out first.
Deep drank cow urine today.
This issue isn't just
about an inane joke.
It showcases a dangerous thought
that is spreading among the youth of our
country, especially the educated ones.
Yes, my friends.
This was the infamous comedy couple
Deep Sharma and Zoya’s
apology letter.
Ridiculing our of culture under the
guise of comedy has become a habit for them.
As a matter of fact,
Deep is an engineer.
Raised in a small city of Billari,
he even worked in an IT company in Noida.
But then he quit his job
one fine day and took to the stage.
Why did he do such a thing?
The answer is pretty simple.
Laughter Jihad.
Is the laughter Jihad
connected with Lashkar-e-Taiba?
Is Deep's real name Danish?
There are many such questions on
which we'll perform the litmus test.
Keep watching our special report,
Terrorism feat. Comedy.
He lies to his parents,
he lies to you,
Hi, aunty.
Hi, dear.
Hello.
I see...who is she, mom?
What happened to Franco, mom?
And I can never get bored of Deep.
Today he's going to tell his
mom-dad everything honestly.
You've got a potrait of Gandhiji,
- Bhagat Singh, and me.
- Papa, please...
But now you've become a traitor.
Papa, I am not a traitor.
Are the news people lying then?
The news people never lie.
Your uncle called from Meerut.
Your aunt called your mom.
This news has spread
like wildfire in the family
that Mr. Sharma's son is disloyal
and an anti-national!
And that he's also a libtard.
Papa, I am not doing any of that.
I just did it once
for the sake of comedy.
Swear on you.
- You're lying.
- No, no...
Mom, just a minute.
Please...
And where were you
hiding these pictures?
- Where were you hiding them?
- Don't hit, Munnu.
I’m sure he had his reasons.
- Move aside, or you'll get hurt.
- And stop calling me Munnu.
What else should I call you?
We'll call you Munnu.
You're no longer worthy
of being called Deep.
- You are a Munnu and will always be that.
- Papa, please.
- Munnu.
- Papa...
Munnu.
I thought you'll stop
lying once you grow up.
But now I'll have to beat it out of you.
No, papa, I was going to
tell you the truth. Swear on you.
- I will get hurt.
- Again falsely swear on me?
It's the pointed side.
How dare you falsely swear on me?
I want to live longer than my father.
He lived for 99 years.
I want to live to complete my century.
Then why don’t you sit down?
There’s no need to keep
running between the wickets.
Don't try to be funny.
And these bottles...
You've been boozing too?
- Papa, these belong to my friend.
- Lying again.
Show me your hand.
Sorry, papa, but I drink.
How much do you drink?
Your son drinks a lot.
C’mon mom.
I worked day and night,
mortgaged my land,
borrowed money
to pay for your engineering.
If you wanted to do such tomfoolery,
then why did you take up engineering?
I didn't know back then, father.
We ruined our past for
the sake of your future.
We have a right to know.
Why did you quit your job?
Why didn't you tell us?
What do you intend to do in future?
I'll keep doing this. Stand up.
Nita, get our belongings.
We won't stay here another minute.
- Papa...
- Please, calm down.
We'll talk again in the morning.
There's nothing left to talk about.
Infact, I’m going
to take a vow of silence
And my last word will be... this.
Papa. Papa.
Papa. Papa.
Why are you observing silence?
What do you want?
Do you want me to quit standup?
Sorry, papa, but I can't do that.
Say yes for now, at least.
No mom, I can't lie anymore.
Dad, I wasn't enjoying that job.
But I like doing standup.
Didn’t you always say that grandpa
used to laugh at my jokes.
Maybe that's why he lived so long.
You should also laugh more often.
Since you also want to
live for a 100-years.
Making people laugh is a good thing.
It's virtuous.
If you've got anything else to say,
son, just go for it
That...
Since the last 2 years, Zoya
and I have been doing comedy together
Also, we've been living together
for the past couple of months.
Papa...
Wait. Where are you going?
Danish aka Deep and Jamila, aka Zoya.
These are the two comedy
militants whose primary motive is
to make you laugh
and turn you into an anti-national.
Ingeniously & meticulously they take
control over your mind.
You might get busy laughing off,
when suddenly, there’ll be an explosion.
No one can tell, how many
have fallen prey to their schemes.
You could be their next victim
You...be vary of them.
And keep watching our special report...
Terrorism Feat. Comedy
Deep?
Deep?
Deep?
Deep...
Did you watch the news?
Did Mom and dad see it too?
- Do they know everything?
- Hmm...
Before you could tell them?
Shit.
Did you tell them about us as well?
What did they say?
Speak up.
Have you taken a vow of silence?
It’s all your fault.
Mine?
I know I say a few
harmless lies at times.
But I don’t do it
to hurt or cheat anyone.
Life was great.
And I did not want any controversies.
If people can’t handle the truth,
don’t give it to them.
What difference does it make?
But no...
you insist on telling the truth.
Now see the result.
Dude...your mind got purified
after drinking cow urine
You yourself said that
you will never lie again.
And anyway, if your parents
found out before you could tell them.
How does it...
Okay. You’re angry.
If you want to vent your
frustration then go ahead.
I won’t say a thing.
She asked for it.
Opportunities like these don’t come by.
Today I am going to speak up.
And vent everything out.
I’ve been lying since I was a kid,
Zoya, but it never got me into trouble.
I’ve been handling it well.
Because they are all my decisions.
But ever since you came in my life, did
you let me take a single decision?
Who decided that we’ll go for live-in?
Your decision.
Who decided where we’re going to stay?
Your decision.
And for that, I had to lie.
I did, but you’ve
got a problem with that too.
Why? Because you do.
That’s your decision.
You don’t let me drive.
You decide the sex position.
Dammit! Guys don't always
like the girl on top.
- Deep...
- I am not done yet, Zoya.
The cow urine punchline was your idea.
But I had to drink it.
Every artist should take a stand.
Every artist should take a stand.
But why should they have to?
I don’t want to take a stand.
My stand is that I don't have any stand!
So?
And the marriage idea?
Whose idea was that?
Yours, of course.
What changed would that have
brought In our lives?
Weren’t you happy with your life?
Why did you want to get married?
Why?
Because your dad left your mom.
Just because your dad was
a liar, doesn’t mean I can’t lie.
I am not him. I am not your dad.
Why are you punishing me for his deeds?
You know, I am sure he had
his reasons to leave.
Your mom might have also dominated...
That last line was
a little below the belt...
I took all the decisions.
It's my fault. I admit my mistakes.
But where did it all begin, Deep?
Let’s do standup together.
Whose decision was that?
Does it ring a bell?
Fine, I take responsibility
for that decision too.
Or maybe I was enjoying doing
standup with you, or whatever.
But not anymore.
Zoya...
My father was a weak person.
He abandoned me and mom.
It wasn’t our fault, Deep.
- Zoya, listen to me...
- No!
Don't follow me.
And if you ever try
to contact me again, then...
I’ll call the Police!
And you’ll be behind bars again!
“Away we go...spreading our wings.”
“Soaring far away”
“lest we know.”
“The only thing left between us”
“is a spew of words.”
“Millions of stars in the sky”
“but we see mere thousands.”
“Small things that we remember”
“but our love’s lost somewhere
among the wrong ones.”
Madam, what are you doing?
Sir's a noob, but you've got to be smart here .
Even you...
“I imagine...why are
all my journeys alone.”
“I must have written a story”
"like an alienated part of me."
I don’t care. Sort out your issues.
And if you can’t then
just tolerate each other.
It took me three-fucking-years.
We struggled to get here.
People come to watch Comedy Couple.
Don't forget that.
Zoya, please listen...
There’s no need to break
the professional relationship.
Hello. Hello.
She hung up, bro.
Fuck!
Sorry!
“The only thing left between us...”
“Millions of stars in the sky”
“but we see mere thousands.”
“Small things that we remember”
“but our love’s lost somewhere
among the wrong ones.”
My God, you guys will make me cry!
Stop it, guys, stop it!
Hey! Are you okay?
Don’t do it.
And now I don’t want
to bother her by pursuing her.
You should stop too.
And then you say fuck beer,
do you have a soft drink?
Let's drink a soft drink.
Forget soft drink, how about cold water?
No cold water either?
Fine.
Let it be.
And with that, I'll end this joke here.
I'd rather kill the joke
than serve time in jail.
Yes...
Now there’s a fourth stage.
I quit drinking beer.
But during the first three stages,
I got so addicted to beer
That now I can't get a
hang of anything else.
I just found out
I love gardening.
Watering your table plant
once a week is not gardening, dude.
And making paper planes
Have you started lying like Deep too?
You know,
being independent Is very critical.
Self-reliance and all.
Finally, mom's philosophy
is beginning to make sense.
I never understood my papa’s principles.
He claims to be a follower of Gandhiji.
But thrashed me up
with an ancestral umbrella.
He resorted to violence.
I kept lying all my life...to everyone.
But the first time I spoke the truth
he took a vow of silence.
Did dad break his vow of silence?
Not yet, son.
His face is more puffed up than my bread.
These days I am deep-ly studying a story.
The Wolf’s here. The Wolf’s here.
First, he gave the poor wolf a bad name.
Wasted people’s time.
And don’t even ask about the poor
goats.
Why?
You tell me why?
Because the guy was enjoying himself.
Well, lying is fun
but only in the beginning
However you get screwed eventually...
I used to think if
my intentions are clear,
Then there is nothing to fear.
But that’s not the case.
These are just excuses
we tell ourselves.
Man. Care to tell us a joke?
But I only tell the truth now.
That neighbour visited
again with her child.
She was saying look Deep, isn’t he cute?
He wasn’t cute.
He was ugly.
And I said it.
Aunty, he looks ugly.
I hope he looks better when he grows up.
She got furious and complained
about me in the society.
But I don't care.
Do you know what the
true test of true love is?
How long does a guy sit
in a darkroom after the breakup?
2-days.
1-week.
Mummy intro material.
1-month.
And you’ve been
there since 5-months.
Try to understand the sentiment.
I wish I could understand her sentiment.
Did you see a honeybee?
I mean, yeah, eventually our
equation turned a little 'lukewarm'.
I would always get
my morning coffee chilled
Anyway, from now on I'll
be sipping my chilled coffee in Paris
and in case I get lucky,
by the hands of some hunky Frenchmen.
Because I've already talked
to my super talented manager
I will be managing a French
artist after all. I have got to learn it.
When are you leaving?
I can't do it.
I am not up for it.
- Is my phone ringing?
- What can't you do?
What can't you do?
Hey...
Hey! Look at me. Look at me.
- Deep!
- My phone's ringing.
Whatever she wanted to
do was her decision. Okay!
Just hear me out once.
Just try once again. Please
Sometimes shows bomb and you know it.
- Once you get on stage...
- I don't want to go on stage.
I don't ever want
to go on stage.
And you should also
stop damaging your reputation.
- What is it, mom?
- Deep you’ve got to hear this.
I was eavesdropping on your father.
And I heard your video
playing on his phone.
"So I stand naked
in front of the mirror."
And ask "Papa, how does it feel to
see your son on the pinnacle of success?"
And even heard him laughing.
"This is such a cool story man,
even I want to do this."
"What? Stand naked
in front of the mirror?"
"Deep!"
I thought I wasn't
meant for the corporates.
I wanted to follow my passion.
So I could set an example
for others like me .
So, I quit my job.
But then I realised
I have no passion in life.
Then standup and
romance both entered my life.
Ohh...she’s got fans here too.
You guys won’t leave me alone, will you?
So basically I got both a lover
and a passion in a packaged deal.
Life was set.
But then I realised
that they weren't exclusive.
Standup was fun only
until she was around.
But now that she isn’t there
even standup feels like a job.
Didn’t you say he was funny?
Tell me something.
What the hell is this standup?
It's just jibber-jabber! No seriously.
But you know,
sometimes too much jibber-jabber
undermines the subtext.
And we say end up saying
.things we don’t mean
So...
I am thinking of taking
a break...from this jibber-jabber.
To take up an actual job.
And I’ll play scrabble as a pastime.
At least I'll learn
the importance of words.
Tell us a joke now.
So standup is just jibber-jabber for you?
And scrabble?
Do you know how to spell
anything apart from C-A-T or R-A-T?
What a confused audience?
Aren't they enjoying too much?
That's great.
The crowd's getting warmed up.
Are you sure?
What if we mess up, again?
You shouldn’t panic under pressure.
You were always right.
I am average
But without you,
I am below average.
Good. We'll use it.
I love you!
I love you too!
"Do you even know"
"what's in my heart?"
"Do you even know"
"what's in my heart?"
"I have never told you"
"that you were in my heart."
"I never even gave you clue."
"And look at what happened."
"I never imagined"
"this is where we’ll be."
"Even my nights"
"can’t be imagined without you."
"You're now my whole world."
"Do you even know?"
"what’s in my heart?"
"Do you even know?"
"what’s in my heart?"
"I never broke your heart."
"Because now it’s mine."
"The support I have given you."
"Is here with you right now."