Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump (2011) - full transcript

- ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ GOTTA GET MONEY
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ I'M ON A MISSION
FROM G-O-D ♪

- LET'S GO.

♪ THAT'S WHY THEY KNOW
THEY ONLY OWE ME ♪

- NO, YOU HAVE TO.

♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

IT'S THE PRESIDENT.

♪ GOTTA GET MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ AND I DON'T KNOW
NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪

♪ AND I'MA GO HARD
TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪



- GOOD MORNING, MR. TRUMP.

♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

- HOW ARE YOU?

- HELLO.
- HELLO, EVERYBODY.

- I HAVE A DEAL
FOR YOU TO FINALIZE.

- GOOD.

♪ I'M ON A MISSION
FROM G-O-D ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY THEY KNOW
THEY ONLY OWE ME ♪

- I LIKE THAT.

♪ MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

- THANKS, DONALD.

- YEAH, I'M GETTING HIM
TO THE ROAST NOW.

♪ AND I DON'T KNOW
NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪

♪ AND I'MA GO HARD
TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪



♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ GREED STYLE
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪

- READY?
THEY'VE GOT NOTHING ON ME.

- DONALD! DONALD TRUMP!
- MR. TRUMP!

- AND NOW, PLEASE WELCOME
YOUR ROAST MASTER,

SETH MACFARLANE.

- THANK YOU.

HEY.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M SETH MCFARLANE,

AND WELCOME
TO THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST

OF DONALD TRUMP.

OR AS DONALD CALLS IT,
THE TRUMP COMEDY CENTRAL

TRUMP ROAST OF DONALD TRUMP
TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP.

HOW DO YOU PREPARE
FOR A NIGHT LIKE THIS?

PERSONALLY,
I SMOKED A LOT OF POT.

AND CLEARLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT THIS SHOW.

SO I'M--I'M KIND OF
THE PERFECT HOST

FOR THIS ROAST
OR FOR THE OSCARS.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED, THOUGH, I
DO HAVE SOME SAD NEWS.

RECENTLY, THE ROAST LOST A VERY
TALENTED AND BELOVED PERFORMER,

AND IT WOULD BE WRONG
NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIM

AND TO SAY
HOW MUCH HE'LL BE MISSED.

LARRY KING DIED TEN MINUTES AGO.

COME ON, LARRY, YOU'RE OLD.
DON'T DENY IT.

EVERY TIME YOU LIE,
YOUR BALLS GROW LONGER.

AND WE'VE GOT
SOME OTHER FAMILIAR FACES

UP HERE ON THE DAIS.

WE'VE GOT WHITNEY CUMMINGS
AND LISA LAMPANELLI.

VERY NICE.

UM, YOU EVER PLAY
FUCK, MARRY, KILL?

LET'S SEE, I THINK
I WOULD FUCK WHITNEY,

MARRY LISA,
AND KILL MYSELF.

AND MY FRIEND MARLEE MATLIN
IS HERE TONIGHT.

IT'S FITTING THAT MARLEE IS HERE
FOR THE ROAST OF TRUMP,

BECAUSE MARLEE IS APPEARING
ON THE NEW CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.

SHE WILL BE COMPETING
FOR A CHARITY

THAT'S YET TO BE ANNOUNCED,

BUT WILL PROBABLY BE
SOME DEAF BULLSHIT.

WHAT DOES THAT--
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WHAT AM I DOING?

AND SNOOP DOGG IS HERE.
WOW.

HEY.

NOW, SNOOP,
BE HONEST, PLEASE.

WHEN YOU WERE BACKSTAGE,
DID YOU...

YOU KNOW, BLOW JEFF ROSS?

- YES.
YES, HE DID.

- OKAY.
I'M GONNA REMEMBER THAT.

- NOW, SINCE OUR MAN OF THE HOUR
WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH

TO AGREE TO THIS,
LET'S GET STARTED MAKING

ONE MORE PIECE OF GARBAGE WITH
DONALD TRUMP'S NAME ON IT...

AND TAKE A LOOK BACK AT SOME
OF HIS OTHER BAD DECISIONS.

- MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP.

THE NAME IS HOT,
AND IT SELLS.

I OWN EVERYTHING--

JETLINERS,
GOLF COURSES...

I OWN VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING.

- ♪ MONEY UP TO HERE
MONEY MONEY UP TO HERE ♪

NO MATTER WHERE I GO
IN THE WORLD, PEOPLE WANT ME.

SO I HAD A LOT OF SUCCESS.
SUCCESS.

SUCCESS.
I BELIEVE

IN BRAGGING ABOUT YOURSELF.

- DO YOU NAME THINGS AFTER
YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THEM?

- ♪ I WHIP MY HAIR
BACK AND FORTH ♪

♪ I WHIP MY HAIR
BACK AND FORTH ♪

- IT'S MY REAL HAIR,
BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S ACTUALLY MINE.

- I KNOW IT'S NOT A HAIRPIECE,

BUT I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT IS.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU KILLED
A SQUIRREL TO ME

AND PUT IT RIGHT ON TOP
OF YOUR HEAD.

- IT'S THE ROSIE O'DONNELL-
DONALD TRUMP WAR,

AND IT'S ON.
- ROSIE O'DONNELL'S DISGUSTING.

I'D LOOK HER RIGHT
IN THAT FAT, UGLY FACE,

AND I'D SAY,
"ROSIE, YOU'RE FIRED."

I'M GONNA FIRE THE ASSES
OFF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF 'EM.

YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU WERE THE PROJECT MANAGER,

AND YOU LOST,
AND I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT YOU DID.

- IT IS GONNA BE
A NIGHTMARE.

- JOAN IS NOT GONNA BE HAPPY.

- ♪ FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY

FRANKLY, IF YOU WERE
RUNNING A COMPANY,

YOU'D DESTROY THAT COMPANY.

YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED.

- YOU KNOW, IT FELT GOOD
TO FIRE SOMEONE.

- IT'S ACTUALLY FUN,
ISN'T IT?

♪ PEOPLE, DON'T LET MONEY

♪ DON'T LET MONEY ♪

- I STILL LOVE YOU.

- PLEASE WELCOME
THE SECOND WORST TRAGEDY

EVER TO HIT NEW YORK CITY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DONALD J. TRUMP.

- WOW.

NICE.

WHOA.

OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

- YOU KNOW,
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, DONALD.

- WELL, THANK YOU.
- WE'VE JUST MET,

BUT IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

TONIGHT, WE HONOR
A SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE.

HE STARTED WITH NOTHING,
WORKED HARD,

AND MADE A FORTUNE.

THAT MAN IS FRED TRUMP,
DONALD'S DAD.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOR ALL OF HIS
SELF-STARTER BULLSHIT,

HE'S BASICALLY JADEN SMITH
WITH A COMB-OVER.

YOU'RE A GROWN MAN.

YOU GOT HAIR
LIKE DENNIS THE MENACE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

DID YOU--DID YOU FALL HEADFIRST
INTO A COTTON CANDY MACHINE?

WHAT HAPPENED?

UM, BY THE WAY,
THE PRODUCERS HAVE ASKED ME

TO INTERPRET THAT LAST JOKE
FOR THE HANDICAPPED PERSON

ON OUR STAGE.

DUH, HEY, SITUATION...

RICH GUY
HAVE FUNNY HAIR.

AND, DONALD, AS LONG
AS I HAVE YOU HERE,

IT'S PRONOUNCED "HUGE,"
NOT "YUGE."

AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

IT'S PRONOUNCED,
"I AM FUCKING DELUSIONAL,"

NOT "I AM RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT."

THAT'S RIGHT.
TRUMP SAYS--

HE SAYS HE'S GONNA RUN
FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012.

BUT IF HIS PLAN
FOR AMERICA

IS TO FIRE EVERYONE,
HE'S ABOUT TWO YEARS TOO LATE.

BUT FOR ME,

IT'S KIND OF TOUGH
TO VOTE FOR A GUY

WHOSE RESTING FACIAL EXPRESSION
IS "WHO FARTED?"

HE ALSO SELLS TRUMP COLOGNE,

AND, FELLAS, THAT STUFF
CAN REALLY GET YOU LAID.

BASICALLY, YOU POUR IT
ONTO A CLOTH

AND PRESS IT TO A WOMAN'S FACE
UNTIL SHE...

STOPS STRUGGLING.

BUT EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BORN WITH
A SILVER SPOON IN YOUR MOUTH,

HARD TIMES CAN STRIKE,

AND THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENED
TO DONALD.

HE WAS EVEN FORCED INTO THE
ULTIMATE ACT OF DEGRADATION--

STARRING
IN HIS OWN REALITY SHOW.

AND SOON THE TOP-RATED TV SHOW
IN THE NATION

STARRED A TOTAL ASSHOLE
TORTURING PEOPLE

WHO WERE STUPID ENOUGH
TO WORK WITH HIM.

IN ADDITION
TO TWO AND A HALF MEN,

THE APPRENTICEWAS ALSO
A PRETTY POPULAR SHOW.

THIS GUY HAS AN EGO.

WHEN TRUMP BANGS A SUPERMODEL,

HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND IMAGINES
HE'S JERKING OFF.

ALL JOKES ASIDE, THOUGH,

I WAS THRILLED
WHEN THEY OFFERED ME

THE OPPORTUNITY TO ROAST
SUCH A BRILLIANT, CHARISMATIC,

TOTALLY SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE
WHO I BELIEVE

WILL ONE DAY RUN THIS COUNTRY.

THEN THE FACEBOOK GUY CANCELLED,

AND WE GOT STUCK
WITH YOUR BLOATED ASS.

SO CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR BIG NIGHT, MR. TRUMP.

AND NOW, DONALD, LET'S GET
OUR FIRST ROASTER UP HERE

TO KNOCK YOU DOWN
LIKE THE HOMELESS SHELTER

YOU HAD DESTROYED
ON THE WAY HERE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- SO AS SHE HUFFS AND PUFFS

AND ROLLS HER WAY
TO THE PODIUM,

PLEASE WELCOME
THE QUEEN OF MEAN,

LISA LAMPANELLI.

- OH, THANK YOU, SETH.

I LOVE SETH MACFARLANE.

HE'S A HANDSOME,
WELL-GROOMED CONFIRMED BACHELOR

WHO SINGS SHOW TUNES.

HE'S GAYER
THAN RYAN SEACREST'S ASSHOLE.

I JOKE, SETH.
I LOVE YOUR WORK.

I ESPECIALLY LIKE
THAT WEIRD BABY

YOU MADE WITH THE ENORMOUS
FOOTBALL-SHAPED HEAD.

OH, WOW, SORRY, THAT WAS
FOR MY SARAH PALIN ROAST.

AH.
LOOK AT MARLEE,

SITTING UP THERE
LIKE SHE'S NORMAL.

HEY, MARLEE.

YOU READ LIPS, RIGHT?

WHAT'S MY CAMEL TOE SAYING?

WOW.

LOOK WHO IT IS.

LARRY KING.

YES, LARRY KING
IS A LEGEND!

IN THIS BUSINESS,
LARRY KING IS KNOWN

AS A TRIPLE THREAT.

AT ANY TIME, HE COULD HAVE
A HEART ATTACK,

STROKE, OR SHIT HIS PANTS.

LARRY KING
IS AN ELDERLY BASTARD.

SERIOUSLY, THOSE SUSPENDERS
AREN'T FOR HIS PANTS.

THEY'RE FOR HIS BALLS.

SPEAKING OF OLD CRIPS,

SNOOP DOGG IS HERE.

ON A PAST ROAST, SNOOP CLAIMED
I WANTED TO BANG HIM.

PLEASE, IF I WANT TO BANG
A SKINNY BLACK MAN WITH BRAIDS,

I'LL CALL ALICIA KEYS.

- OOH.

- SNOOP'S NOT THE ONLY
MUSICAL ARTIST ON THE DAIS.

MARILYN MANSON IS HERE.

OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

YOU KNOW, WHITNEY,

PEOPLE IN THIS BUSINESS
HATE YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
AND THIN.

NOT ME!

I HATE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE A CUNT.

ANTHONY JESELNIK IS HERE.

I'LL PAUSE
FOR A FEW MOMENTS

SO THOSE OF YOU AT HOME
CAN WIKIPEDIA HIM.

IT'S GREAT
YOU'RE HERE, ANTHONY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IS DANIEL TOSH BUSY
GETTING FISTED IN KEY WEST?

IT'S GREAT TO SEE
MY OLD FRIEND JEFFREY ROSS

HERE TONIGHT,
DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST--

SITTING AND WATCHING
FUNNY PEOPLE TELL JOKES.

WOW, JEFF, YOU'RE EVEN UGLIER
THAN YOU WERE LAST YEAR.

LOOK AT THAT HAIR.
LOOK AT THAT MOP.

I'VE SEEN BETTER HAIR
ON SUSAN BOYLE'S TAINT.

DON'T YOU LAUGH
AT A HAIR JOKE, TRUMP.

LOOK AT THAT HELMET.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A BARBER

TO GET
THAT TYPE OF HAIR CUT?

"I FUCKED YOUR DAUGHTER"?

SITUATION
FROM THE JERSEY SHORE.

YOU'RE ALL OVER TELEVISION.

AND YOU HAVE A BOOK OUT.

AMAZON SAID, "CUSTOMERS
WHO BOUGHT THIS BOOK

ALSO BOUGHT A ROPE
AND A STOOL."

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT CHACHI.

LET'S GET TO THE REASON
WE'RE ALL HERE TONIGHT--

DONALD TRUMP.

DONALD, TONIGHT, PEOPLE
WILL MAKE FUN OF YOUR LOOKS.

FUCK 'EM!

YOU'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

YOU'VE RUINED MORE MODELS' LIVES
THAN BULIMIA.

YOU'VE DISAPPOINTED
MORE WOMEN

THAN SEX AND THE CITY 2.

YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE PROOF

THAT MONEY CAN BUY
GOOD-LOOKING PUSSY.

IF YOU WERE BROKE,
YOU'D BE FUCKING ME.

BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND HIM NOW.

DONALD IS VERY HAPPY WITH HIS
LOVELY WIFE "INSERT NAME HERE."

I JOKE.

DONALD'S WIFE'S NAME
IS MELANIA,

WHICH IS SLOVENIAN FOR "GET THAT
WRINKLED PENIS OFF OF ME."

IN CLOSING,
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU,

DONALD TRUMP, FOR LETTING ME
MAKE FUN OF YOU TONIGHT.

MR. TRUMP, YOU ARE SOMEONE
TO BE ADMIRED.

YOU HAVE OVERCOME OBSTACLES
TO BECOME A HUGE SUCCESS.

YOU'VE PUT UP
MORE WORTHLESS HOTELS

THAN AN AUTISTIC KID
PLAYING MONOPOLY.

STILL, YOU HAVE MADE "TRUMP"
MORE THAN JUST A NAME.

YOU'VE MADE IT
A BRAND.

A BRAND,
LIKE MASSENGILL.

BECAUSE YOU'RE
A BLOATED, STINKY DOUCHE.

THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.

- COMING UP,
LARRY KING, SNOOP DOGG,

WHITNEY CUMMINGS,
THE SITUATION,

MARLEE MATLIN,
ANTHONY JESELNIK,

AND JEFF ROSS.

- WELCOME BACK
TO THE ROAST OF DONALD TRUMP.

UH, NOW WE DO WANT
TO TAKE A QUICK MOMENT

BETWEEN COCK JOKES
TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THE LOSS
OF A BRILLIANT COMEDIAN

AND ONE OF THE ALL-TIME
GREAT ROASTERS, GREG GIRALDO.

WE WANT TO THANK HIM
FOR ALL THE LAUGHS HE BROUGHT US

AND RECOGNIZE
ALL THE BIG LAUGHS

THAT HE WOULD HAVE BROUGHT US
HERE TONIGHT.

GREG, WE WILL MISS YOU.

WELL, TONIGHT
WE ARE PROUD AND HAPPY

TO BE JOINED BY LARRY KING.

AS A TV HOST, HE KNEW
EXACTLY WHEN TO RETIRE,

BUT HE STAYED
ANOTHER 20 YEARS ANYWAY.

HE HAS A SPINE
LIKE A QUESTION MARK,

AS IF HIS BODY IS ASKING,

"HOW DID I GET SEVEN WOMEN
TO FUCK ME?"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME

A CHATTERING PIRATE SKELETON
ON LOAN FROM DISNEYLAND,

MY PAL, LARRY KING.

- THIS IS MY CAREER?

IT'S COME TO THIS?

IT'S A THRILL TO BE HERE,
ROASTING MY DEAR FRIEND.

TO PREPARE FOR THIS EVENT,

I READ JEFF ROSS' BOOK
ABOUT ROASTS.

JEFF, MY LAST PRE-NUP
WAS FUNNIER.

AND UNLIKE YOU,
I WROTE IT MYSELF.

LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS.

MY GOOD FRIEND SNOOP DOGG
SAID THAT JEFF'S BOOK

WAS UNREADABLE.

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE
SNOOP CAN'T READ.

IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US,
BY THE WAY,

WE'RE HERE
WITH LISA LUMPY BELLY.

LISA IS A SHOCK COMIC,

BUT ONLY IF YOU
LOOK AT HER FACE.

TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO!

COMING UP IN THIS HOUR,

WE'LL TALK TO MIKE
"THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO.

SITUATION HAS A NEW FRAGRANCE
OUT CALLED THE SITCH,

WHICH IS ALSO
WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF

WHEN YOU CAN'T SPELL
YOUR OWN NICKNAME.

BY THE WAY, CALLER,
YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

FOLKS, YOU'VE GOT TO
TRY THIS GARLIQUE.

IT GOES DOWN EASY,
JUST LIKE WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

MARLEE MATLIN.

MARLEE,
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU WON THE ACADEMY AWARD
FOR CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD,

AND THEN NOTHING FOR YEARS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

YOU WERE SO CONVINCING
PLAYING A DEAF WOMAN.

LANSING, MICHIGAN,
YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

AND NOW SNOOP DOGG.
I LOVE SNOOP.

D-O-DOUBLE-GIZZLE.
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

SNOOP TOLD ME DURING THE BREAK
THAT ONCE HE HAD A DNA TEST

THAT FOUND HE IS ONLY
71% BLACK.

THAT TRUE?

UNLESS MY MATH IS WRONG,
IF YOU'RE 71% BLACK,

YOU'RE 29% NOT GUILTY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

DONALD TRUMP IS NOT ONLY
ONE OF MY OLDEST,

DEAREST FRIENDS, HE'S ALSO
AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY.

WHEN HE GRADUATED COLLEGE,
HE PUT HIS SHOULDER

TO THE WHEEL,
NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE,

BORROWED $6 MILLION
FROM HIS FATHER,

AND STARTED A CAREER.

DONALD TRUMP, WITHOUT A DOUBT,
YOU'RE A NEW YORK LANDMARK,

WHICH MEANS IT'S ONLY
A MATTER OF TIME

UNTIL YOU BULLDOZE YOURSELF

TO BUILD SOME GAUDY,
TACKY MONSTROSITY

AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- GREAT, LARRY.

THAT'S GREAT, LARRY.

- LARRY KING.

COME ON.

ALL RIGHT,
SNOOP DOGG IS UP NEXT.

THAT RIGHT THERE
WAS MY IMPRESSION

OF THE RECEPTIONIST
AT A PAROLE OFFICE.

MAKE WAY FOR THE MOST
DANGEROUS MAN IN 1993,

SNOOP DOGG.

- SETH MACFARLANE.

GIVE IT UP
FOR SETH MACFARLANE, Y'ALL.

HEY, YO, SETH, FYI.

AIN'T NO NIGGAS
WATCHING THE CLEVELAND SHOW.

FROM ME TO YOU.

I KNOW WE'RE HERE
TO ROAST DONALD TRUMP,

BUT, UH, I GOTTA
GIVE A SHOUT OUT

TO MY MAIN MAN, LARRY KING,
IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN' HOUSE.

LARRY, YOU KNOW
HOW WE IS.

LARRY IS COOL, BUT BACKSTAGE,
I HANDED HIM A JOINT,

AND HE RUBBED BENGAY
INTO IT.

WE GOT LISA LAMPANELLI
IN THE HOUSE.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU,
LISA IS A STONE COLD FREAK.

LISA FUCKED LARRY KING,
DON KING,

RODNEY KING,
AND BILLIE JEAN KING

IN A BURGER KING BATHROOM.

I MEAN, THIS BITCH
LOVES TO EAT, FOR REAL.

IF YOU WANT TO FUCK LISA
DOGGY STYLE,

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PUT
A BOWL OF FOOD ON THE FLOOR.

NOW, TRIP.
- THAT'S A GREAT JOKE!

- LISA'S HAD SO MUCH SEX
WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT BROTHERS,

WE'VE EVEN GAVE HER RAP NAMES
FOR HER FAT ASS.

NOTORIOUS P.I.G.

YOU GONNA LIKE
THIS ONE, RUSSELL.

TON DMC.

BUSTA BUSTA
NUT IN YOUR FACE.

AND MY FAVORITE,

SNOOP CHILI DOG
IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' MOUTH.

MM-MM-MM.

HEY, MARLEE.
MARLEE.

YOU'RE SO FINE.

HAVING SEX WITH YOU WOULD BE
LIKE ROLLING UP ON SOMEONE.

YOU'D NEVER HEAR ME COMING.

NOW TRIP.

I WALKED PAST MARLEE'S
DRESSING ROOM TONIGHT

WHEN SHE WAS, UH,
GOING OVER HER LINES,

AND IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE
WAS CLUBBING A SEAL.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

LOOK AT YOUR FINE, LITTLE
SKINNY ASS SITTING UP THERE.

I ROLL BLUNTS
FATTER THAN YOU,

BUT YOU'VE BEEN PASSED AROUND
A LITTLE BIT MORE.

BUT RIGHT NOW, THINGS ARE
POPPING FOR WHITNEY, Y'ALL.

EVERYBODY IN HOLLYWOOD
IS TALKING ABOUT HER,

AND THEY ALL SAYING
THE SAME THING.

"I THINK THAT BITCH
GAVE ME HERPES."

THIS IS A UGLY BUSINESS, MAN.

I MEAN, LOOK AT JEFF ROSS.

HE'S ONE UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.

NOW, WHEN JEFF WAS BORN,

HIS MOTHER SHIT
DURING THE DELIVERY,

AND WHEN SHE LOOKED DOWN,
SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD TWINS.

THAT'S WHY HE'S SO CORNY.

LOOK AT HIS DROOPY FACE,
SAGGY SKIN,

RUBBERY, WET LIPS.

IF JEFF HAD A STRING
HANGING FROM HIS MOUTH,

HE'D LOOK LIKE
LISA'S PUSSY.

NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH,
I LIKE JEFF, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE JEFF?

'CAUSE HE WOULD DO ANYTHING
TO GET A LAUGH,

EXCEPT SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.

I GOTTA SAY
A FEW MORE THINGS

ABOUT MY GIRL SNOOKI
OVER THERE.

OH, THAT AIN'T SNOOKI?

OH, MY BAD.
I'M SORRY.

ALL WHITE PEOPLE WHO ACT BLACK
LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

SORRY.

SO, UH, THE SITUATION'S
A RAPPER NOW, HUH?

SHIT, I HEARD HIS RHYMES.

THE BEST THING YOU EVER SPIT WAS
SETH MACFARLANE'S JIZZ-IZZLE.

CHECK OUT YOUR HAIR,
YOUR SHAVED CHEST,

YOUR PLUCKED EYEBROWS.

THERE USED TO BE A WORD
FOR GUYS LIKE YOU,

AND THAT WORD WAS "GAY."

I GUESS THAT'S
STILL THE WORD.

HEY, MAN, STOP LIFTING YOUR
SHIRT UP LIKE A PRISON BITCH,

OR ELSE GO OUT ON THE CORNER

AND GET ME SOME
MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY

BEFORE I GO UPSIDE YOUR HEAD
WITH THIS COAT HANGER.

NOW, IT'S TIME TO TALK
ABOUT THE REAL PLAYER--

DON JUAN, DONALD TRUMP,
THE DONALD.

NOW, FROM ME TO YOU,
DONALD,

I WISH I HAD HALF
OF YOUR MONEY.

BUT FOR THAT, YOU NEED
A 20-YEAR-OLD'S PUSSY

AND A DIVORCE LAWYER.

NOW, I MAY NOT HAVE
HALF HIS PAPER,

BUT I GOT TWICE THE DICK,
AND YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT.

BUT ON THE REAL, THOUGH,

I'D LOVE TO FUCK
ONE OF TRUMP'S EX-WIVES

JUST TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO COME INTO MONEY.

- WHOO!

DONALD SAY HE WANTS TO RUN
FOR, UH, PRESIDENT

AND MOVE ON
INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.

WHY NOT?

IT WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST TIME

HE PUSHED A BLACK FAMILY
OUT OF THEIR HOME.

BUT ON THE REAL, THOUGH.

DONALD, YOU KNOW I GOT
LOVE FOR YOU, MAN,

ON SOME REAL SHIT,
AND I AIN'T PLAYIN',

FROM ONE PIMP TO ANOTHER,
MUCH RESPECT.

KEEP BANKING THAT SCRILLA,

AND AFTER THE SHOW,
COME BY MY DRESSING ROOM.

I GOT A COUPLE
19-YEAR-OLDS IN THERE,

SOME STICKY ICKY ICKY,

AND I'LL GET YOU SO HIGH
THAT YOU'LL FIRE YOURSELF

AND PUT MY NAME
ON THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TOWERS.

I'M OUT.

- WELL DONE, SNOOP.
GREAT JOB. GREAT.

- THAT WAS EPIC.
EPIC.

- COMING UP,
WHITNEY CUMMINGS,

MARLEE MATLIN,
AND THE SITUATION.

- OUR NEXT ROASTER,
WHITNEY CUMMINGS,

CAN BE SEEN THIS SUMMER
IN HER ONE-WOMAN SHOW,

HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
WITHOUT REALLY SWALLOWING.

SHE'S GOT THE BODY
OF A CRACK WHORE,

BUT SHE'S GOT THE RAZOR-SHARP
WIT OF A CRACK WHORE.

NOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY WHITNEY
STRUGGLES WITH BULIMIA,

BUT I'D--I'D SAY SHE'S
ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

PLEASE WELCOME
THE DRAG QUEEN OF MEAN,

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

- OKAY, HELLO.
HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASURE.
HI, GUYS.

WOW.
KEEP IT GOING FOR HOMO SIMPSON.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE TO START.

I GUESS I'LL START
WITH LARRY KING,

BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW,
TICK-TOCK.

UM,

LARRY KING,
YOU HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK,

BYPASS SURGERY,
YOU HAVE HEART DISEASE,

AND YOU RECENTLY GOT STENTS
PLACED IN YOUR CORONARY ARTERY.

TAKE A HINT--
GOD WANTS YOU TO DIE.

THE SITUATION
IS HERE TONIGHT.

THIS IS ACTUALLY
VERY EXCITING FOR ME.

YEAH, CLAP IT UP.

I ACTUALLY LOVE
THE JERSEY SHORE.

THE JERSEY SHORECAST
IS ITALIAN,

BUT AT FIRST I THOUGHT
THAT THEY WERE MEXICAN

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO TAN AND
THEY'RE ALWAYS DOING LAUNDRY.

THE SITUATION,
YOU ARE RIDICULOUS.

WHAT IS IT WITH
THAT SPIKY HAIR?

YOUR HAIR IS SO BLACK
AND FRIED,

LISA DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER
TO EAT IT OR FUCK IT.

AND YOU NEED TO STOP TANNING
RIGHT NOW, MR. SITUATION.

YOU ARE SO ORANGE,
SNOOP DOGG SHOULD BE WEARING YOU

WHILE HE'S ON HIS KNEES,
BLOWING HIS CELLMATE.

- YOU A FOOL FOR THAT.

YOU A FOOL FOR THAT.

PEOPLE MAKE FUN
OF THE SITUATION.

THEY MAKE FUN OF THE FACT
THAT HE'S ALWAYS

LIFTING UP HIS SHIRT
TO SHOW HIS ABS.

I ENDORSE IT.

IN FACT, MR. SITUATION,

I SUGGEST YOU LIFT UP
YOUR SHIRT EVEN HIGHER

SO THAT IT COVERS
THIS SITUATION.

SNOOP DOGG IS, OF COURSE, HERE.
HILARIOUS.

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR SNOOP.

COME ON,
THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

SNOOP, YOU HAVE BUTCHERED THE
ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN YOUR MUSIC.

YOU HAVE TWO Gs
IN THE WORD "DOG."

YOU USE "IZZLE" AND "FIZZLE"
AT THE END OF EVERYTHING.

YOU SPEAK WORSE ENGLISH
THAN MARLEE MATLIN.

LISA LAMPANELLI IS HERE.

LISA, THANKS FOR MAKING TIME
TO BE HERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY

STARRING IN
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT.

ANTHONY JESELNIK IS MAKING HIS
FIRST APPEARANCE ON THE ROASTS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE
HAS LOST THEIR VIRGINITY

AROUND DONALD TRUMP

WITHOUT HIM HAVING TO PROMISE
THEM AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP.

AND NOW FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR,
DONALD TRUMP, EVERYBODY.

GIVE HIM
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

COME ON.

DONALD TRUMP, YOU ARE KNOWN
FOR YOUR TERRIBLE HAIRCUT,

AND NOW I CAN SEE WHY.

YOUR HAIR SUCKS.

YOU LOOK LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER
CAUGHT ON FIRE.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
VERY RICH.

DONALD TRUMP IS LITERALLY
ROLLING IN DOUGH,

WHICH MEANS
HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO FUCK LISA LAMPANELLI.

DONALD, YOU ARE GROSS,
NOBODY LIKES YOU,

BUT YOU COME BACK
EVERY COUPLE YEARS

AND NOBODY KNOWS WHY.

YOU'RE LIKE THE MCRIB.

YOU GOT MELANIA A HUGE 12-CARAT
DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE
GOTTEN HER A DIAMOND.

NOW SHE KNOWS WHAT HARD
IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE.

- WHOO!
YEAH!

- YOU RECENTLY SAID THAT YOU
WANTED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

THAT IS SUCH
A PUBLICITY STUNT.

IF I WANTED TO SUPPORT
A GREEDY WHORE

WHO'S PRETENDING TO RUN
FOR PRESIDENT

JUST TO GET ON TV,
I'D VOTE FOR SARAH PALIN.

I'D SAY STICK
TO YOUR REAL ESTATE,

BUT ALL OF YOUR BUILDINGS
ARE HIDEOUS.

THE TAJ MAHAL IN NEW JERSEY
IS HORRIBLE.

THERE HASN'T BEEN
A SHITHOLE THAT BIG

ON THE SHORES OF NEW JERSEY

SINCE THE SITUATION TOOK IT
IN THE ASS FROM PAULY D.

DONALD, YOU'RE ALSO,
OF COURSE, RESPONSIBLE

FOR THAT AWFUL SHOW,
THE APPRENTICE.

THE WORST PART OF THAT SHOW
IS HAVING TO STARE AT YOUR FACE.

YOUR FACE IS
SO BIG AND BLOATED

WITH SUCH A BAD HAIRPIECE,

I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT MARRIED
TO KELLY PRESTON,

PRETENDING NOT TO BE GAY.

AH!

ON YOUR SHOW,
THE APPRENTICE,

YOU HAVE HAD NENE LEAKES
FROM THE REAL HOUSEWIVES,

BRANDE RODERICK,
AND LISA RINNA.

YOU'VE GIVEN MORE UNEDUCATED
WHORES ON-CAMERA JOBS

THAN FOX NEWS.

WELL, DONALD,
THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR LETTING US
ROAST YOU TONIGHT.

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD SPORT.

AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY
PRETTY HANDSOME,

WHEN I SEE YOU UP CLOSE,

SO IF YOU EVER WANT
A FOURTH WIFE,

HIT ME UP ON FACEBOOK.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, NEW YORK.

- UP NEXT, THE SITUATION,
MARLEE MATLIN, AND JEFF ROSS.

- WELCOME BACK
TO THE ROAST.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A BIG
MILESTONE FOR THE SITUATION,

BECAUSE TONIGHT IS
THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING

OF HIS 15TH MINUTE OF FAME.

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
LAUGHED AT HIM

FOR HOOKING UP
WITH HIS CO-STAR SNOOKI,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
ITALIANS ARE KNOWN

FOR GRINDING ORGANS
WITH MONKEYS.

NO NEED TO CLAP,
HE ALREADY HAS IT.

PLEASE WELCOME
THE SITUATION.

- THANKS, JEFF.

JEFF?

- CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS GUY?

WITH HIS CAPPED TEETH,
HIS HAIR PRODUCTS,

AND HIS FAKE TAN?

I MEAN...

YOU'RE ACTUALLY
LOOKING GOOD, BRO.

NOW I KNOW
A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE

ARE HERE TONIGHT
TO WATCH EVERYONE

SHIT ON THE DUMB GUY THAT
ALL THE ITALIANS ARE ASHAMED OF

AND DISGUSTED BY.

YOU KNOW,

LISA LAMPANELLI.

BACKSTAGE SHE TOOK MY HAND
AND SHOVED IT DOWN HER PANTS,

AND I PULLED OUT
LARRY KING'S TEETH!

AND SNOOP'S
TWO SOURCE AWARDS.

WHITNEY,
WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?

YOU LOOK LIKE THE CHICKS
I USED TO BANG

BEFORE I HAD
ALL THIS MONEY.

- DO IT, BABY, DO IT!

- YOU'RE A CHICK, RIGHT?

- OKAY, YEAH.
- ON THE JERSEY SHORE,

WE CALL UGLY CHICKS
"GRENADES."

BUT, UH, I ACTUALLY
WOULDN'T CALL YOU A GRENADE,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT
BLOWING UP ANY TIME SOON.

HEY, UH...

HEY, JEFF ROSS.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

- JEFF, ME AND YOU HAVE
A LOT IN COMMON, BUDDY.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- WE'RE BOTH FROM JERSEY.

AND TONIGHT'S
MY FIRST NIGHT DOING COMEDY.

WELL--

- IT'S ALSO
YOUR LAST NIGHT,

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.

ENOUGH OF THAT, ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I SEE YOU LOOKIN'
AT ME OVER THERE,

ANTHONY JEZZLE-NUT.
I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE HATER,

BUT I KNOW YOU'RE
A FUNNY DUDE AS WELL,

'CAUSE THE OTHER NIGHT, I TOLD
ONE OF YOUR SUPER-FUNNY JOKES

TO A SUPERMODEL,
AND SHE WAS LAUGHING...

WHILE I WAS BANGIN'
HER BRAINS OUT

WITH A PILE OF MONEY
ON THE FLOOR

OF MY MOTHERFUCKIN'
MANSION.

SO I GOT NOTHING
AGAINST YOU, MAN.

I GOT NOTHING
AGAINST YOU.

BECAUSE SHE'S, LIKE, THE FIFTH
MODEL THIS WEEK TO DO THAT,

SO...

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, RIGHT?

MAYBE NOT.
ALL RIGHT.

OH, BOO.

NOW LET'S GET
TO THE REAL SITUATION.

MY MAN, DONALD TRUMP.

- YEAH, BABY.

- I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S PIMPIN'.

NOT A LOT OF GUYS CAN PULL OFF
WEARING A HAT LIKE THAT.

PEOPLE ARE
HATING ON HIM

BECAUSE CHUMP IS
ALWAYS FIRING PEOPLE,

BUT IT'S KINDA OKAY,
'CAUSE HE

COMPLETELY LET
HIMSELF GO ANYWAY.

DONALD...

- HEY, OH, HEY, CHILL!

YOU KNOW WHAT, DONALD?

YOU GOT THE TAN,
YOU GOT THE LAUNDRY DOWN,

BUT YOU GOTTA HIT THE GYM,
PORK CHOP.

BUT DONALD.

I LIKE HOW YOU ROLL.

I'VE SEEN PICTURES
OF YOUR HOUSE.

EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE
IS GOLD.

WHO THE FUCK DECORATED
YOUR HOUSE,

FLAVOR FLAV'S DENTIST?

I'LL SAY THIS, THOUGH,
YOUR WIFE IS HOT.

THE BEST PART IS,
SHE MARRIED YOU FOR LOVE.

YUP.

SHE LOVES MONEY.

OH!

HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO?

HEEEEEEEEEEY!

- COME ON, LET HIM
DO HIS THING, COME ON.

LET HIM DO--LOOK.

- ALL RIGHT.

DONALD TRUMP,
YOU'RE A BALLER.

YOU'RE A SHOT-CALLER.

YOU RUN THE GAME AND GIVE
THE BUILDINGS YOUR NAME.

YOU'RE THE REAL DEAL.

AND I HOPE SOME DAY
I CAN ROLL CHUMP STYLE.

- YOU CALLED HIM "CHUMP,"
NOT TRU--IT'S "TRUMP."

YOU SAID, "DONALD CHUMP."
- REALLY?

WELL, MAYBE COMEDY AIN'T
MY GAME RIGHT NOW, BUT--

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- WHY DON'T YOU FINISH IT OFF?

- COULD I JUST
SHOW THEM SOMETHING?

COULD I JUST SHOW
THEM SOMETHING?

- SURE, SHOW THEM.
- YOU KNOW THE SITUATION?

- YEAH.

THAT--THAT DEFINITELY IS
THE SITUATION RIGHT THERE.

THEY CALL ME
"THE SATURATION."

- OR--OR--YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY,
"THE CATASTROPHE,"

BUT THANKS FOR LETTING ME
HERE TONIGHT.

- THANK YOU, BUDDY.
- THANK YOU.

AND BEFORE I GO, REAL QUICK.
I GOTTA SAY ONE MORE THING.

MR. TRUMP,

I THINK YOU SHOULD
RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

I PROBABLY REALLY MEAN
THAT'S A STUPID IDEA.

ALL RIGHT.

- COMING UP, ANTHONY JESELNIK
AND MARLEE MATLIN.

- ALL RIGHT, WE WANNA THANK THE
POPE FOR THAT MARVELOUS SPEECH.

HOLY SHIT.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S, UH...

LET'S BE HONEST.

OUR NEXT ROASTER,
ANTHONY JESELNIK

IS HERE BECAUSE
GREG GIRALDO IS DEAD.

WELL, TONIGHT, ANTHONY JESELNIK
IS GOING TO LEAVE

HIS STAMP ON THE ROAST,

AND TOMORROW, HE'S GONNA
USE THAT STAMP TO BUY FOOD.

SO PLEASE GIVE A NICE,
WARM MEAL TO ANTHONY JESELNIK.

- THANK YOU.

OH, SETH MCFARLANE,
EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, AT FIRST,
I THOUGHT SETH

WAS JUST FAMOUS
FOR THE FAMILY GUY,

BUT THEN I DID
SOME RESEARCH,

AND HE'S ACTUALLY
NOT FAMOUS AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY YOU ONLY
ROAST THE ONES YOU LOVE,

SO THIS IS
GONNA BE SHORT.

IT'S BEEN A ROUGH
YEAR FOR COMEDY.

NOT ONLY DID THE WORLD
LOSE GREG GIRALDO...

YEAH.

BUT EVEN WORSE,
IT KEPT JEFF ROSS.

- WOW, THAT'S HARSH.
WOW, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

- YOU KNOW, ROSS, YOU'VE BEEN
DOING THIS FOR A LONG TIME, MAN.

I MEAN, JEFF ROSS HAS BEEN
ROASTING PEOPLE SINCE

WHITNEY CUMMINGS WAS NOTHING
BUT A GLINT IN THE EYE

OF THE MAN
WHO RAPED HER MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, WHITNEY CUMMINGS
IS ONE OF THE HOTTEST ACTS

IN SHOW BUSINESS RIGHT NOW
FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

I MEAN, WHITNEY HAS HAD MORE
UNDESERVED OPPORTUNITIES

THAN A NATIVE-AMERICAN
APPLYING FOR COLLEGE.

I MEAN,
LOOK AT THIS DAIS.

YOU'VE GOT A PIMP, A MURDERER,
A DRUG-DEALER, A PORNOGRAPHER,

AND THEN
EIGHT WHITE PEOPLE.

LARRY KING IS HERE.

LARRY'S BEEN MARRIED
EIGHT TIMES.

EIGHT TIMES!
JESUS, MAN.

YOU'VE GOT 99 PROBLEMS,
AND BITCHES ARE ALL OF THEM.

LARRY KING IS SO OLD,

HE'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE JEWS
THAT KILLED CHRIST.

OF COURSE, MAKING FUN
OF LARRY KING FOR BEING OLD

IS LIKE MAKING FUN
OF MARLEE MATLIN FOR BEING DEAF.

IT'S FUN.

MARLEE MATLIN.

ARE YOU EVEN
LISTENING TO ME?

- WHAT?
WHAT?

- IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU
HERE TONIGHT, MARLEE.

I WAS ACTUALLY SHOCKED

TO FIND OUT THAT YOU WON
BEST ACTRESS

AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS

AND NOT
THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

LISA LAMPANELLI,

YOU'RE COOL.

- OFF THE HOOK.

- MIKE SORRENTINO.

GREAT JOB, BY THE WAY.

MIKE, YOU'RE DOING
REALLY WELL RIGHT NOW.

YOU'VE GOT A TON
OF ENDORSEMENT DEALS.

YOU'VE GOT A COLOGNE,
A VODKA,

A WORKOUT VIDEO.

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT
YOUR NAME ON EVERYTHING.

EXCEPT A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

AND SITCH, I DON'T WANNA TELL
YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, MAN,

BUT IF YOU SPENT
HALF AS MUCH TIME READING BOOKS

AS YOU DO
CHASING SKANKS,

YOU PROBABLY
WOULDN'T HAVE AIDS.

- SNOOP!
SNOOP?

- I'M SORRY, CUZ.
NO, HE DIDN'T.

- SNOOP!

- AND NOW,
FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR,

MR. DONALD TRUMP.

DONALD, YOU'VE GOT
A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

YOU'VE BEEN SO HAPPY
TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF

ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
AND THE CASINO BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, DONALD TRUMP
IS SUCH A DOUCHE BAG,

THAT IF YOU LOOK UP THE WORD
DOUCHE BAG IN THE DICTIONARY,

THERE'S A PICTURE
OF SPENCER PRATT.

BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSE,

SPENCER PRATT IS HOLDING UP
A PICTURE OF DONALD TRUMP.

AND DONALD, I'M NOT EVEN SURE
IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU

AND MICHAEL DOUGLAS
FROM THE MOVIE WALL STREET

IS THAT NO ONE'S GONNA BE
SAD WHEN YOU GET CANCER.

OF COURSE, MR. TRUMP,

DESPITE EVERYTHING
I JUST SAID,

YOU'RE A GREAT SPORT
FOR BEING HERE.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME
BE HERE TOO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

- COMING UP, MARLEE MATLIN,
JEFF ROSS, AND DONALD TRUMP.

- ALL RIGHT.
WHAT CAN BE SAID

ABOUT OUR NEXT ROASTER,
MARLEE MATLIN?

VIRTUALLY ANYTHING,
'CAUSE SHE CAN'T HEAR SHIT.

SHE APPEARED
ON THE L WORD,

WHERE SHE PORTRAYED
A DEAF LESBIAN.

IN FACT, MARLEE HAS BECOME
A HERO AMONG DEAF LESBIANS

OR, AS THEY PREFER
TO BE CALLED, EARMUFFS.

PLEASE WELCOME MY GOOD PAL,
MARLEE MATLIN.

- WELL, THANK YOU.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
I'LL BE SPEAKING

WITH THE HELP
OF MY SIGNER THIS EVENING,

AND TO BE HONEST,

I'M A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS
ABOUT MY VOICE.

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TOLD
BY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

THAT WHEN I SPEAK

IT SOUNDS LIKE WHITNEY CUMMINGS
WITH A DICK IN HER MOUTH.

I GUESS I'M THE PERFECT CHOICE
FOR THIS ROAST,

BECAUSE LIKE THE SITUATION,

I, TOO, HAVE NEVER HEARD
THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER.

IN FACT, THE DEAF COMMUNITY
HAS A SPECIAL SIGN

FOR EVERYONE UP HERE
ON THE DAIS TONIGHT.

SNOOP DOGG.

THE SITUATION.

ANTHONY JESELNIK.
WHATEVER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS.

LARRY KING.

SETH MACFARLANE.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

LISA LAMPANELLI.

AND OF COURSE, OVER THERE

IS THE LEGENDARY ROASTMASTER
GENERAL JEFF ROSS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE
THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME OUT?

I SAID, "JEFF, I'M DEAF,
NOT BLIND!"

I HAVE TO SAY,
IT'S SUCH A THRILL

TO BE UP HERE
WITH AN ESTEEMED PEER

LIKE LISA LAMPANELLI.

I WON THE OSCAR
FOR BEST ACTRESS.

AND LISA WON "BEST IN BREED"
AT THE COUNTY FAIR.

NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS,

BUT I REPLACED HER
ON THE L WORD.

APPARENTLY, THE ONLY WAY
SHE WOULD EAT PUSSY

IS IF IT HAD
FRENCH FRIES IN IT.

MARLEE, I CAN'T DO THIS
ANYMORE!

SHE'S AN OSCAR-WINNING
ACTRESS AND--I CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M OUTTA HERE.
SEE YOU LATER!

- WHAT? I...

CAN ANYONE ELSE
SPEAK FOR ME?

CAN YOU TALK FOR ME?
HELLO?

- I WILL BE OF ASSISTANCE!

I WILL BE HAPPY TO SIGN
FOR THE GREAT MARLEE MATLIN!

AH, THE HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM.

SPEAKING OF BALLROOM,
MR. TRUMP,

HOW ARE THOSE SPANX
HOLDING UP?

AS A DEVELOPER, DONALD TRUMP
HAS DONE SO MUCH DAMAGE

TO THE NEW YORK SKYLINE,

INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM
"THE DONALD,"

THEY SHOULD CALL HIM
"THE 20th HIJACKER!"

- TOO SOON!

- DONALD ALWAYS SAYS,

"MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS,

"BUT IT CAN BUY
THE BEST EASTERN EUROPEAN

NEW YORK CITY HAS TO OFFER!"

DONALD HAS TOLD
MANY A TALE

OF VIVACIOUS WALKERS
OF THE NIGHT

AND THEIR MYSTICAL
EXTRA HOLE!

THEY COME
FROM A FARAWAY LAND

TO SUCK THE BLOOD
AND ILL-GOTTEN BANK ACCOUNTS

FROM WEALTHY BUT STUPID
BILLIONAIRES.

TELL US, OH, GREAT TRUMP,

WHERE ARE THESE WOMEN
OF WHO YOU SPEAK

WHO POSSESS
THE COVETED FOURTH HOLE?

FOR WE SHALL NOT REST

UNTIL WE HAVE ALL EXPERIENCED

THE PLEASURE
OF THE FOUR-HOLE

EASTERN EUROPEAN WHORES

THAT ARE CURRENTLY DOING BLOW
IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM.

DID I GET THAT RIGHT?

- SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

- THANK YOU, MR. TRUMP.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

THIS HAS BEEN
A REAL THRILL FOR ME.

IT'S NOT OFTEN
YOU GET A BOSS

THAT CAN LAUGH AT HIMSELF.

- NOW, PLEASE STOP
STARING AT MY TITS.

- UP NEXT,
JEFF ROSS AND DONALD TRUMP.

- OUR FINAL ROASTER
OF THE NIGHT, JEFF ROSS,

IS ONE OF THE FATTEST NAMES
IN COMEDY.

WHENEVER HE WALKS
OUT ON STAGE,

MY FIRST INSTINCT IS TO HURL
AN ANGRY BIRD AT HIM.

PLEASE WELCOME

THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL,
JEFF ROSS.

- HI, BABY.

WOW.

THIS IS EXCITING, TRUMP.

ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
- GOOD TIME.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,
TELL YOUR FACE.

ALL RIGHT, I LOVE THIS.
RUSSELL SIMMONS, MAN.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN.
VERY COOL GUY RIGHT THERE.

SALUTE YOU
AND ALL YOU'VE DONE.

ARE YOU HERE TO SIGN
MARLEE MATLIN TO DEF COMEDY JAM?

AND IF YOU'RE JUST
TUNING IN, FOLKS,

THIS IS NOT A MEMORIAL
FOR LARRY KING.

LARRY, I LOVE YOU.
YOU BEEN A GREAT SPORT TONIGHT.

GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.

THE FORMER HUNCHBACK OF CNN.

HIS FIRST CALLER
WAS ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.

I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
LARRY KING LIVE.

EVEN THE TITLE
WAS AN OXYMORON.

THE FIRST TIME LARRY COVERED
AN UPRISING IN EGYPT,

HE INTERVIEWED MOSES.

LARRY ASKED HIM IF HE THOUGHT
THE WHOLE THING

WAS A PYRAMID SCHEME.

I LOVE LARRY.
HE RECENTLY QUIT HIS SHOW.

HE PLANS ON SPENDING
HIS RETIREMENT OPENING A JAR.

SINCE OUR LAST ROAST,

THE COMEDY WORLD
HAS LOST A GREAT FRIEND,

GARY COLEMAN.

HE DIED RECENTLY
FROM MULTIPLE ANEURYSMS,

WHICH IS KINDA LIKE
DIFFERENT STROKES.

TO GARY COLEMAN.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS
IS BACK AGAIN.

SOME OF YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HER

FROM HER PORN NAME,
"WHITNEY CUMMINGS."

WHITNEY'S SO BUSY THESE DAYS,

CURRENTLY
WORKING ON THREE PILOTS.

AND THAT WAS
JUST ON THE FLIGHT IN.

WHITNEY, THANKS FOR YELLING
YOUR ACT AT US LIKE ALWAYS.

THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME
MARLEE'S GLAD SHE'S DEAF.

ACTUALLY, WHAT AN AMAZING
WOMAN, THIS MARLEE--

WASN'T SHE FUNNY TONIGHT?
THAT WAS AWESOME.

THAT KILLED.
WOW.

FIRST DEAF
OSCAR-WINNING ACTRESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT--
AND I MET HER BEFORE THE SHOW,

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU PEOPLE,
WHAT A CUNT!

I LOVE YA, SNOOP.

SNOOP DOGG,
HE'S SMOKED SO MUCH WEED,

HE ACTUALLY HAD TO WRITE
A SONG CALLED,

HEY, WHAT'S MY
MOTHERFUCKIN' NAME?

LISA LAMPANELLI.

LISA'S VAGINA IS SO BIG
AND FULL OF BLACK DUDES,

TRUMP'S TURNING IT
INTO A HOUSING PROJECT.

GOOD IDEA, RIGHT, BUDDY?

- NOT BAD.
- "NOT BAD."

- YOU KNOW, LISA...

HER VAGINA IS SO BEAT UP,

ITS NICKNAME IS RIHANNA.

all: OH!

- I LIKE THAT.
- FOR SOME REASON,

DONALD,
THE SITUATION IS HERE FOR YA.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE CANCELLATION.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

I HEAR THE NEXT SEASON
OF THE JERSEY SHORE

IS GONNA BE SHOT IN ITALY,
IS THAT RIGHT?

I HOPE THAT'S JUST
A SNEAKY WAY OF DEPORTING YOU.

OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS GUY,
THE GUEST OF HONOR,

MY FRIEND THE GREAT ONE,
DONALD TRUMP, EVERYBODY.

YOU LIKE MY TRUMPADOUR?

- LOOKS GOOD.
- THANK YOU.

TRYING TO HONOR YOU
IN EVERY WAY I CAN.

THE DONALD AND I
HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

WE BOTH LIVE IN NEW YORK.
WE BOTH PLAY GOLF.

WE BOTH FANTASIZE
ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER.

IVANKA, YOU'RE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN NEW YORK.

YOU REALLY ARE.
GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

SHE'S AWESOME.

DONALD,
DOESN'T IT DRIVE YOU CRAZY

THAT YOU'LL NEVER BUILD
ANYTHING AS HIGH

AS ME AND SNOOP RIGHT NOW?

THE DONALD'S EGO
IS SO BIG,

HE VIDEOTAPES HIMSELF
MASTURBATING

AND THEN MASTURBATES
TO THAT VIDEO.

DONALD TRUMP
IS SUCH AN EGOMANIAC,

HE MAKES HITLER SEEM LIKE
HE WASN'T COMPLETELY SURE

HOW HE FELT
ABOUT JEWISH PEOPLE.

MELANIA, YOU LOOK
SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT.

GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
SHE'S BEEN A GOOD SPORT.

SO GORGEOUS.

THESE TWO ARE SO COMPATIBLE

BECAUSE THEY BOTH YELL OUT
DONALD'S NAME WHEN THEY CLIMAX.

"DONALD!"
"DONALD!"

AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA
RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
A REALLY COOL IDEA, YOU GUYS?

YOU'LL KEEP 'EM HONEST.
YOU'LL KEEP 'EM HONEST, DONALD.

PERSONALLY, I HOPE YOU WIN,

BECAUSE I CAN'T WAIT
FOR THE

I MEAN, THE INAUGURATION.

DONALD TRUMP,
BY SITTING HERE TONIGHT

AND LETTING US DO THIS,

YOU PROVED
TO EVERY AMERICAN VOTER

THAT YOU HAVE THICK SKIN,
THAT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE,

THAT YOU ARE A MAN
OF THE PEOPLE.

AND NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE ELECTION,

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
THE KING OF NEW YORK CITY.

GREG GIRALDO,
ROAST IN PEACE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
EVERYBODY.

- GREAT JOB.

FANTASTIC.
GREAT JOB.

GREAT.
- YOU'RE NEXT.

- UP NEXT,
DONALD TRUMP FIRES BACK.

- AND NOW...

AT LONG LAST,

WE'RE GOING TO SEE SOMETHING
VERY UNUSUAL.

DONALD TRUMP IS GONNA
GET UP IN FRONT OF CAMERAS

AND TALK ABOUT HIMSELF.

BUT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS,

I WANNA SEE YOU ALL
IN THE BOARDROOM.

DONALD, I WOULD LOVE TO FIRE
YOU OFF THIS ROAST TONIGHT

BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE
HELD ACCOUNTABLE

FOR THIS HOUR AND A HALF
WE CAN NEVER GET BACK.

AND I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BLAME YOUR TEAM.

AND BELIEVE ME,
THEY ARE THE WORST,

MOST INCOMPETENT,
BUNGLING GROUP OF LOSERS

I'VE EVER SEEN.

BUT DONALD, IT IS
YOUR BRAND THAT'S AT STAKE,

SO GET ON UP HERE
AND DEFEND YOUR LEGACY.

DEFEND YOURSELF.

AS A MAN WHO WAS BORN WITH
A SILVER STICK IN HIS ASS...

A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING
EXCEPT HUMAN EMOTIONS...

A MAN WHO, IN ADDITION
TO EVERYTHING

THAT'S BEEN SAID ABOUT HIM
TONIGHT,

HAS ALSO DONE
A LOT OF GAY STUFF...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DONALD J. TRUMP.

- ♪ MONEY, MONEY

- ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH

- ♪ MONEY, MONEY

- ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH
- ♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH

- ♪ MONEY, MONEY

- ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH

- ♪ OH, OH, MONEY, MONEY

- WOW.

- ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH

THANK YOU.

WHAT A GREAT HONOR
IT MUST BE

FOR YOU TO HONOR ME
TONIGHT.

ESPECIALLY HERE WHERE
I'VE MADE MY NAME AND FORTUNE,

NEW YORK CITY,
GREAT PLACE.

NOW, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"MR. TRUMP, SIR...

WHY WOULD YOU EVER
DO THIS ROAST?"

HONESTLY, IT WAS WORTH IT,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING
TO CHARITY,

AND THEY PAID A LOT,
BELIEVE ME.

BUT THE TRUTH IS,
I SPECIFICALLY HAND-PICKED

THESE RECESSION-ERA
BASIC CABLE NOBODIES

SO THAT THE CITY I LOVE,

THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS,

COULD FINALLY GET
A WELL-DESERVED NAP.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS DAIS
IS THE PERFECT METAPHOR

FOR WHERE AMERICA STANDS
TODAY.

LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY.

BARELY MOVING,
GASPING FOR AIR,

AND DESPERATELY
CLINGING TO LIFE.

VERY MUCH LIKE LARRY KING.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS,

WITH LARRY, WE HAVE
A NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF GAS.

NEVER ENDS.

THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS

WAS BUILT ON ITS
ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT,

AND THAT SPIRIT
IS BEST DEMONSTRATED

BY NONE OTHER THAN MY FRIEND
SNOOP DOGG.

HIS IS A TALE

OF DO-RAGS TO RICHES.

IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.

HE'S VERY PROUD OF THAT.

THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY
TO SEE SNOOP

SITTING UP HERE
NEXT TO HIS FORMER RIVAL...

BIGGIE SMALLS,
RIGHT HERE.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
ONE OF THE WOMEN ON THE DAIS.

THIS AMAZING LADY STRUGGLES

WITH A SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE
PHYSICAL HANDICAP.

I SPEAK, OF COURSE,
OF WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

WHITNEY'S CAREER IS CRIPPLED
BY HER FOUL MOUTH.

TO HEAR THAT FILTHY LANGUAGE

FROM SOMEONE
SO MARGINALLY ATTRACTIVE

IS, FRANKLY,
VERY UNPLEASANT.

LISA--
OR AS I CALL HER, MISS USDA--

I WANT YOU TO BE A JUDGE

AT MY NEXT
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.

YOU'RE PERFECT.

BECAUSE LIKE THE UNIVERSE,

YOU'RE CONSTANTLY EXPANDING
AND FILLED WITH DARK MATTER.

BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT HAVE BROUGHT SHAME

UPON THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS.

BESIDES LISA.

I SPEAK OF THE ATROCITIES

THAT WE AS A NATION
MUST ENDURE,

LIKE THE JERSEY SHORE.

A PIECE OF ADVICE,
MY GREASY FRIEND.

YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT

ALL OF THAT PRODUCT
IN YOUR HAIR.

YOU JUST DON'T.

LOOK HOW GREAT MY HAIR LOOKS,
AND I DON'T USE ANYTHING.

AND IT LOOKS VERY GOOD.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A WET RACCOON

AND DONALD J. TRUMP'S HAIR?

A WET RACCOON DOESN'T HAVE

7 BILLION FUCKIN' DOLLARS
IN THE BANK.

VERY FUNNY.
OKAY, VERY FUNNY.

AMERICA IS GOING THROUGH
TOUGH TIMES,

AND WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH.

TRUE.

I KNOW THAT BETTER DAYS
ARE AHEAD.

IF WE BELIEVE IN OURSELVES

AND THE WAY I BELIEVE
IN MYSELF--

AND I REALLY DO
BELIEVE IN MYSELF--

THEN COME JUNE,
IF I DECIDE TO RUN,

YOU'LL HAVE THE GREAT PLEASURE
OF VOTING FOR THE MAN

THAT WILL EASILY GO DOWN
AS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT

IN THE HISTORY
OF THE UNITED STATES.

ME--DONALD JOHN TRUMP.

GOD BLESS AMERICA,
AND GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT.

- ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ GOTTA GET MONEY
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ AND I DON'T KNOW
NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪

♪ AND I'MA GO HARD
TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪

♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY
MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ GOTTA GET MONEY
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ AND I DON'T KNOW
NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪

♪ AND I'MA GO HARD
TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪

- NOT ONLY IS DONALD TRUMP'S
SKIN ORANGE, IT'S ALSO THICK.

- IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE,
A ROUGH EVENING FOR ME,

A ROUGH, ROUGH EVENING,
BUT A LOT OF MONEY

IS GOING TO CHARITY
BECAUSE OF THIS EVENING,

SO I TOOK IT FOR CHARITY.

- WE HAD ALL OF THE ABOVE.
WE HAD NOTHING BUT LOVE.

IT WAS COMEDY, IT WAS LAUGHTER,
IT WAS FUN-FILLED.

- THIS IS THE ROAST
OF THE SITUATION.

- THE SITUATION WAS GREAT.
WE LOVE HIM.

- YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT
FOR COMING TO A ROAST.

- YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TO MARLEE,
YOU KNOW?

SHE'S A TROOPER FOR COMING
OUT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE,

AND SHE'S HILARIOUS.

- YOU WERE AMAZING.
- THE ONLY JOKE I MIGHT REGRET

IS MAKING FUN OF MARLEE MATLIN
A LITTLE TOO HARD.

SHE'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL,
AWESOME WOMAN,

BUT OVERALL,
IT WAS A BLAST.

- I WOULD NEVER SAY
STUFF LIKE THAT,

BUT MARLEE IS A PERVERT.

- THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS
ONE OF THE FUNNEST ROASTS EVER.

IT'S A PARTY.
YEAH.