Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen (2011) - full transcript

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- All aboard!

[Evil laughter]

- [Voice echoing]
We are high priests. Warlocks.

We're Vatican assassins.

This rock star
must make them weep.

I'm an f-18, bro.

- [Singing] I'm going off
the rails on a crazy train

I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train



- this is the "comedy central
roast of Charlie sheen."

And now, please welcome
your roastmaster,

Seth macfarlane.

[Cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth macfarlane,

and, yes, the big night
is finally here.

Welcome to the "comedy central
roast of Charlie sheen."

[Cheers and applause]

Yes, we're here tonight
to honor and hopefully arrest

a man who was great
in two things 25 years ago,



Charlie sheen.

Actually,
there's a lot of sheen on TV

this evening
when this show airs.

Tonight on "two and a half men,"

they're actually having
Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

There's no need
to switch over, though.

Just wait a few months.

You can probably
see the real thing.

[Laughter]

I mean, we all know
there's a good chance

Charlie will be dead soon,

so I wrote an o--
an obituary.

"Charlie sheen,
who became a tabloid fixture

"due to his problems
with drugs and alcohol,

was found dead
in his apartment--"

actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied
Amy winehouse's obituary.

It's--it's--I only had
to change three things, though.

The sex of the deceased,
the location of the body,

and the part that says,
"a talent that will be missed."

- We love Charlie!

- All right.
So I know Tyson's

not gonna kick
the shit out of me.

That's good news.

So we're gonna take a few pokes
at him here tonight,

but there is no denying
that Charlie sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV.
You've seen him in movies.

And if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point
a gun at your face

while you try
to get him hard.

I tell you, look at this dais
behind me.

These are a bunch of nobodies.

I honestly cannot tell
where the dais ends

and the audience begins.

It's all kind of blending
together.

Mike Tyson is here.

[Cheers and applause]

- Fucking--
- Mike--what the fuck?

You're retired.
Fix your fucking teeth.

For God sakes.

You know, George foreman
at least is making money

off his shitty grill.

We've--we've got
the great William shatner,

of course.

[Cheers and applause]

Who's been getting rave reviews
for his new interview show,

"raw nerve," where he asks
the tough questions

others are afraid to ask of
people like weird Al yankovic,

kelsey grammer,
and Scott baio.

Who the--who the fuck
is booking that show?

Are they--

are they just using a page

from Kate Walsh's
1987 diary entry entitled,

"guys I need to blow
to get started in Hollywood"?

Is that--

- Kate's not old enough
for that stuff, man.

- Kate, why are you here?
What are you doing here?

You should not be here.

Steve-O from "jackass" is here!

[Cheers and applause]

Look at him.

He's always got that
shit-eating grin on his face...

From eating shit.

- [Cackling]

- So, Charlie sheen,

this is a man who lives like
his hearse is double-parked,

so while we still have time,

let's take a look back
at the work

that paid for all that cocaine.

- Gentlemen...
He's back.

- Hey, buddy.

- And they're off and running.

- Now cool off.

- Oh, I am cool.

You should see me
when I'm hot.

- What are you looking at?

- What are
you smiling at, huh?

- How many yachts
can you water-ski behind?

How much is enough?

- I am your daughter.
- No, you're not.

- Aah!
- Gah!

- Are too,
too, too, too, too...

- Not, not, not,
not, not, not...

- "Are too" times ten.

- Tiger blood.
Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

- [Singing] It's the eye
of the tiger

it's the thrill
of the fight

rising up to the challenge
of our rivals

- we got warrants!
We're the law!

- Golf clap?
- Golf clap.

- [Singing] And he's watching us
all with the eye

of the tiger
[Tiger roars]

- Some are saying
that you're bipolar.

- I'm bi-winning.
Winning!

- Charlie sheen has got
to be on drugs again.

- Sure.
- Drugs?

- I am on a drug.
It's called Charlie sheen.

Reminder--
tiger blood.

- [Singing] With a shot
of tiger blood...

- Winner, winner, chicken
dinner--I don't think so.

Winner, winner,
sheen dinner!

Winning.
Pretty fucking cool, huh?

- Due to pending legal action,

we are unable
to show you a scene

from "two and a half men"
at this time.

- Strike this
motherfucker out.

- Wild thing delivers.

- You are the sexiest man
I have ever laid eyes on.

- Check.

- You know, I've lived
a pretty wild life,

with the drinking
and the hookers and the drugs

and the hookers.

- Ugh.
You're such a pig.

- You know, usually
I have to date a woman

before she treats me this way.

- There's my life.
Deal with it.

It's on. Bring it.
Winning. Buh-bye.

[Cheers and applause]

- And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to bring out
the man of the hour.

He went from
"Ferris Bueller's day off"

to having every day off.

Please welcome
the rock star from Mars,

Charlie sheen.

[Cheers and applause]

[Train whistle blows]

[Rock music]

- Wow. Wow!

Wow! Wow!

Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.

Wow.

Unbelievable.
Thank you. Thank you.

- Have fun.

- Slash!

[Cheers and applause]

How are you, Seth?
- Charlie.

- Ahh.
Thank you.

- There he sits,
the man of the hour.

Charlie, you claim
to have tiger blood,

but with all the porn stars
you've banged,

it's probably just
Tiger Woods' blood,

I'm guessing.

You have a lot of nicknames
for yourself.

You say you're
a Vatican assassin,

whatever that is.

Charlie, the Vatican
does not have assassins.

- No.

- If they want
to shut someone up,

they just buy 'em ice cream

and tell 'em if they talk,
Jesus will kill their parents.

Now, as you may know,

Charlie sheen
is not his birth name.

His original Spanish name
is señor drugs.

Kidding aside, though,

Carlos estevez
took his dad's name,

yes, to gain credibility
as an actor.

I've seen your films,

and you don't really act
like a sheen.

But, you know,
with your rap sheet

and briefcases of coke,

you're definitely
acting like a Carlos.

Charlie went on
to star in TV and film,

both drama and comedy.

He was the star
of "hot shots"...

[Cheers and applause]

Which is also
what Charlie feels

when he takes a piss.

[Laughter]

I really think you
and Emilio should do a follow-up

to the movie "men at work,"

and you can call it
"men who don't work anymore."

Right?
That would be...

I'll help--
I'll help you write that.

But, uh, of course
a very public meltdown

changed the landscape.

It's interesting,

when you think about
the firing of Charlie sheen

tells you all you really
need to know about Hollywood.

You can abuse drugs.
You can abuse your spouse.

You can trash hotel rooms.

You can solicit prostitutes.

But don't you ever, ever
call a Jewish guy

by his actual Jewish name.

Charlie has found ways to make
money, though, since the firing.

He's got is own iPhone app.

It's amazing, actually.

You type in your height,
your weight, your date of birth,

you answer a few questions
about your personality,

and then it shoots
Kelly Preston.

[Laughs]
Sorry.

He is dependent upon no man
and no thing...

Except crack, Jack, crank,
meth, ludes,

Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers,

"e," nitrous, dust, hash,

and this one boner medicine
from Norway.

He's the reason
a dick with cocaine on it

is called a "sheenis."

- Wow.

Wow.

- He's still with us,
Charlie sheen.

In fact, Charlie just celebrated
his 46th birthday...

[Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- A statement no one thought
we would ever hear--

kind of like,
"get jeselnik on the phone."

Or...

Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."

Or jon lovitz saying,
"one cock at a time, please."

Charlie allegedly
made a prostitute cry

at the Plaza hotel.

I want to tell you though,
Charlie, I think she's lying,

'cause I saw the scene

where you got arrested
in "wall street."

You can't even
make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those
"dangerous jobs" shows on TV,

like the ones about
crab fishing, ice road trucking,

why is there no show

about the most dangerous
job out there--

being an escort
for Charlie sheen?

How long must we wait
for the first season

of "deadliest snatch"?

I'm ready to see that right--

right now.

Honestly, Charlie,

I never thought
I would live to see the night

that you would live
to see this night.

I really didn't.

And now our first roaster,
jon lovitz.

[Cheers and applause]

He was one of the stars
of a "Saturday night live" cast

that the critics have hailed
as "not the worst."

I think of jon lovitz
when I think of wit.

And I also think of jon lovitz

when I want to keep
from coming too soon.

He's...

At his old job on "snl,"

he coined the phrase,
"that's the ticket,"

a line that he still uses
in his current job

as a valet parking attendant.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the star

of "two and a half chins,"

one of my favorite
"snl" comics ever,

jon lovitz.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you for that
introduction, Seth macfarlane.

Anyway, I am jon lovitz,

although I think most of you
know me by my stage name--

j-lo.

Thank you.

Well, look at this dais.

Oh, you know, my good friend
Harvey levin from "tmz"

was supposed to be here tonight,

but he got stuck
in his boyfriend.

Genius!
Thank you.

And we've got my old friend,
Mike Tyson is here.

Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname
is iron Mike,

which is what the guards
used to scream at him

in the prison laundry.

- I don't do that
anymore, jon.

- Well, I know
you don't do that anymore.

You're not in prison anymore.

- Just making it clear.

- He's funny.

Hey, how did Amy schumer
get here?

I'd ask whose dick
she sucked to get on the dais,

but she's dating
Anthony jeselnik,

so I'll just ask him.

Anthony, whose dick did
Amy suck to get on the dais?

Who else is--
oh, hello, Steve-O.

Yes, sir.

Talked to Steve-O this morning.

I said,
"how's your day going?"

He said, "great.
I woke up, took a big shit,

then got out of bed"...

And Kate Walsh is here.

She plays a baby doctor
on her show.

She actually thinks she's one
in real life.

You know, Kate could play
younger roles,

but, uh, she lacks one thing:

Moisture.

- It's true.

Very dry.

- You know, unlike all
you people on this dais,

I, uh--
I actually know Charlie,

and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend.

I've known him
for about 18 years,

and I can tell you he's nothing
like the character

he plays on "tmz."

And people say,
"oh, he's crazy,"

you know, just because he likes
beautiful women

to come to his house,
have sex with him,

and then leave.

What a nut.

First time I hung out
with Charlie

was at his house
after the super bowl.

Bunch of hot chicks
showed up, and...

I looked up,
I saw my old girlfriend, and...

Charlie put his arm around me
and said, "pick a hooker."

First time in my life I cried
and came at the same time.

No, it wasn't.

And now a joke.

How much blow
can Charlie sheen do?

Enough to kill
"two and a half men."

[Laughter and applause]

I'm kidding.
The man is misunderstood.

Eight-balls of heroin--
bad for you?

Or as Charlie sees it,

the most important
meal of the day.

Now, sure, things
got pretty crazy for a while.

He was all mixed up.

But he knew it was time
to get straight

when he put
his dick in his coke

and his razor
in his hooker.

And did you know Charlie's--

according to the torah,
he's Jewish?

And not because
his mother's a Jew,

but because CBS paid him
$50 million

and he still
sued the network.

Now, listen,
despite what you read,

Charlie's still close
to all of his exes.

Why, well, just recently,

he took Brooke Mueller
to Mexico...

Where he banged her ass
so hard,

three balloons of coke
fell out.

But Charlie's a gentleman.

He put them back in.

Picture it!

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right.

Our next roaster
is Kate Walsh.

[Cheers and applause]

Why are you here?

Let me say
that it is a thrill

to be around the hottest,
sexiest woman of 2002.

Let's give a big round
of meno-plause

for the beautiful
and talented Kate Walsh.

[Cheers and applause]

- Seth macfarlane,

the only difference
between you

and the hooker Charlie
locked in the closet

is that the hooker
eventually came out.

[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]

After years of playing
a doctor on "grey's anatomy"

and "private practice,"

people actually think
I'm a real doctor,

so I figured, "fuck it.

"I'm gonna start giving
some professional diagnoses

to these people over here."

For instance, Jeff Ross,

your results have come back,

and I'm going
to tell you something

that you have never heard
about any of your TV pilots.

You tested positive.

Congratulations, Jeff.

And, Jeff, listen,

I know you're concerned
about your complexion,

but you have to stop
letting Mike Tyson

come all over your face.

- He looks good.
I like the way he looks.

- Thank you very much.

- People ask me all the time,
"what is good cholesterol?"

Like I know, but look,
there's a lot of debate.

I think we can all agree that
good cholesterol is anything

that gives jon lovitz
a fatal heart attack.

Jon lovitz.

Oh.

No, wake up, jon.
There's more.

But I have to break
doctor-patient confidentiality.

Your results came back,

and it turns out that
that embarrassing,

nasty parasite on your penis

is Amy schumer.

And there is no cure.

I'm so, so happy to see
that William shatner is here,

because a medical colleague
told me that you passed on.

I said, "bullshit.
Have seen his resume?

Shatner's never
passed on anything."

- Just wait.
- [Laughs]

[Rolls tongue]

You look great.
I mean, your skin is so tight.

I can't tell
if you've had a face-lift

or vaginal rejuvenation.

Patrice O'Neal,
I understand you have diabetes,

and as you know,

this disease is very serious
and often linked to a poor diet.

So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count
as a fruit.

Mr. sheen,
the doctor will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie,

you are an incredible
medical specimen.

I guess that's
one of the benefits

of waking up every morning
at the crack of crack.

And, you know, it's amazing.

Despite all those years
of abusing your lungs,

your kidneys, your liver,

the only thing you've had
removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets
a little confused sometimes.

He's the only guy
who pulls a knife

on a woman who's already
willing to fuck him.

- I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that.

- Mike will drink to that.

But is Charlie really
the worst guy here?

So he made a chick
blow him for 30 grand.

Mike Tyson
makes you blow him...

[Imitating Mike tyson]
"'Cause I said so. That's why."

[Laughter]

- I'll drink to that too.

I'll drink...

- Isn't that right,
Steve-O?

And so, Charlie,
I'm happy to say,

whether it's your adonis DNA,
your tiger blood,

or the drug
called Charlie sheen,

for some reason, you're able
to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in
for your relapse next week.

Thank you so much.
Good night.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross...

[Cheers and applause]

Who actually toured
with Charlie.

You know, I always thought
Jeff was a terrible comic,

until I learned
that he actually is

seriously, for real,
mentally retarded.

And now I think he's
an inspiration and a hero.

So please welcome America's
special needs comedian,

Jeff Ross.

[Cheers and applause]

- Give it up
for the warlock!

[Cheers and applause]

Friends, roasters, enablers,

lend Mike Tyson
your ears.

Because this lineup
is so pathetic,

I was hoping I'd get replaced
by Ashton kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies
we're left with.

Is this a roast
or the republican primaries?

- Fuck you, Jeff!
- Thank you!

I'm fuckin' scared of that guy.

This is hard.
How do you roast a meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad,

Al Gore's making
a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie.

How do you go from being
TV's highest-paid actor ever

to being the highest actor
ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are
so snotty and full of coke,

he calls them
the Hilton sisters.

But listen, Charlie,
after eight seasons, was it?

Eight seasons
of "two and a half men,"

it's great to finally see you
doing a comedy show.

You got so fucked
by Ashton kutcher,

your name should be
demi Moore's vagina.

Instead of getting his life
together,

Charlie went out on
a national comedy tour...

Where every night, Charlie,
you walked on stage

and you told the audience
you were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are.

But I'll tell you
what you're not--

a comedian from earth.

Charlie sheen is to stand-up

what Larry flynt
is to standing up.

Charlie,
if you're winning,

then something's wrong
with the fucking scoreboard.

Come on, man.

Charlie,
if you're winning,

then this must not be
a child custody hearing.

The only time your kids
get to see you is in reruns.

Charlie, don't you want to live
to see their first 12 steps?

You're the black sheep
of a family

responsible for three
"mighty ducks" movies.

You make your own father ashamed

that he shares
the same fake name as you.

Martin sheen
and Emilio estevez

said they would have
been here tonight,

but they had
a family obligation.

Charlie's never lonely.
Don't worry.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie
is stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed
with whores.

Charlie,
you should be on "hoarders."

Charlie sheen
has paid for so much sex,

he keeps his credit card
under his balls to save time.

Oh, poor Charlie.

Poor Charlie has the weight
of the world on his shoulders.

And patrice O'Neal has it
on his knees.

[Giggles]

Patrice, you told me
you would never do a roast,

and now here you are,
you sickle-cell out!

You like that one?

I love you, patrice.

Why are you dressed
like a gay umpire?

Anthony jeselnik, some say
you're the next Greg giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Corbin bernsen show up?

- Yes!

- Where is he?

Hey, buddy.
How you doin', man?

Star of "major league"
with Charlie,

that's cool.

We didn't even invite him
tonight.

He called into a radio station
and won tickets.

Where's slash?
There he is.

Slash, you were awesome
in the open of the show, man.

That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln
of rock and roll...

Especially since
you haven't had a hit

in four score
and seven years.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, slash.

Thanks for playing my nephew's
bar mitzvah last year.

That was cool.

That was really cool.

And oh, wow, look at that.

Looking good,
Brooke Mueller.

Charlie's ex.
What's up, babe?

- What's up?

- She's not very bright

unless Charlie's throwing
a lamp at her.

Too soon?

Oh, jon lovitz.

Great job tonight, man.
That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break
from taking a break.

Jon, what's your catch phrase?

"Chinning!"

And there's our old
roast honoree,

William shatner, one of
the coolest guys in the world.

[Cheers and applause]

I'm not gonna make fun
of him,

'cause he looks like
he's on his final frontier.

Hey, captain kirk,

maybe Scotty can beam your balls
up from the floor...

You old pervert.

Backstage
he flashed Kate Walsh

his graying anatomy.

And of course,
the "jackass" family

suffered a terrible tragedy
recently.

Steve-O started doing stand-up.

And I can't believe
I get to sit

next to the--
"iron" Mike Tyson, man,

one of the coolest, most amazing
athletes in the world.

Thanks for rolling with
the punches tonight, champ.

- Thank you, Jeff.
Thank you, Jeff.

- I bet you haven't been
shit on this hard

since you cleaned
your pigeon Coop this morning.

Not only do you love pigeons,
but you sound like one.

Listen, I'm not gonna make fun
of Mike Tyson,

because if he--

- that's right. 'Cause I'm gonna
shit on you tonight.

- That's right.
I know, I know.

If you're willing to do that
to your face,

imagine what
he would do to mine.

What is that on your face,
a target for pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is,

after all the faces
you bashed in,

the one you fucked up
the most is your own.

Ah, but there's no denying
the fact that Mike Tyson

had the hardest-hitting
right hook in history.

Your opponents spent more time
bleeding in the corner

than Charlie's ex-wives.

[Audience groans]

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

And now that the goddesses
have moved out,

Charlie had to start snorting
coke of his own dick.

Has anybody seen your ex-goddess
Bree Olson's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys
coming out of the same hole,

I was watching the rescue
of the Chilean miners.

Charlie, your work
has always inspired me.

When I saw "platoon," I started
caring about the troops.

When I saw "wall street,"
I wanted to take over the world.

When I saw "two and a half men,"

I wanted to get up
and go see a movie.

Charlie, by taking
these punches from us tonight,

you've proved
to all your fans

that you're the new king
of the comebacks.

Yeah.

In fact...

In fact, you've come
on more backs

than anyone in Hollywood.

Charlie,
when you were on the tour,

I roasted you eight times
in eight different cities.

And I got meaner every time.

You were a great sport,

perhaps the greatest sport
in roast history,

and I don't know
what you're gonna do next,

but whatever you decide,

I know firsthand that there's
an army of fans out there

waiting to check it out
and support you in a big way.

I love you guys.
Thank you so much.

The warlock--the best.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right, our next roaster
is Mike Tyson.

[Cheers and applause]

Tyson has had
three marriages.

The first two
ended in knockouts.

He's a guy--

- I threw in
the fuckin' towel.

- Please don't murder me.
He's a guy...

[Laughter]

He's a guy who's beaten every
opponent he has gone up against

except the letter "s."

So...

So now please...

Please be patient
as he sounds out his jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
"iron" Mike Tyson!

- Oh, shit.

Thank you.
Thank you very much, Seth.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, during
a very dark period in my life,

I found inspiration

by reading the great
epic poem "the iliad."

So, see, Seth,

you're not the only person

that gotten by
by taking ideas from homer.

[Speaks indistinctly]

That's a fuckin' idiot
over there.

He's a fuckin' idiot,
with that stewie.

Okay.
All right.

Well, if I must confess,
I'm really not a roaster,

'cause of course,
you know, everyone,

I don't like hurting people.

And, um, I'm living,
you know,

more of a spiritual life now
through poetry,

and I've written...

[Woman giggles]

Well, you know,
I've written, you know,

many verses
in my secret garden,

and now I'd like to share them
with a few of you here today.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, this'll be a honor,

because, um, as the bard
once said,

"all the world's a stage."

And Charlie's been booed off
them all, of course.

In this first verse,

you'll recognize the classic
a-a-b-b-a poetic structure.

There once was a old man
named Ross

whose jokes
were covered with moss.

His punch line was musty,
his premise was dusty,

I wish he'd suck on a fuckin'
exhaust, you know?

Oh.
So excuse me.

What you gonna do, Jeff?

What the fuck
you gonna do, Jeff?

You know, I'm--
you know, I must say, you know,

I'm rather intrigued
by your puffy, grotesque

fuckin' face,
Jeff, you know?

Normally--normally
when I'm next to somebody

whose face
is grotesque as yours,

they throw in
the fuckin' towel, man.

You're a mess, man.

During your performance,
I wish I bit my own ears off.

You know?
You fuckin' suck, man.

You suck!

All right. All right.

- That was the best.
- All right.

Now--
no, come on, stop.

I got to do this shit right.
All right.

Of course, no poetry slam
would be complete

without a tip of the beret
to the beat poets.

Now, please.

I saw the best minds
of my generation destroyed

by madness, starving,
hysterical, naked,

dragging themselves through
the negro streets at dawn

looking for a angry fix,
and I say,

"hey, Charlie sheen, that
prostitute's a fucking guy, man.

"He's got big protruding balls.

"He's gonna bust your stool,
man.

"Watch out! It's not
a pretty sight, Charlie.

"You'll be wearing diapers
for a long time!

Fuck!
Oh."

If I may digress...

If I may...

[Cheers and applause]

I didn't do well in school,

but I'm trying to do
this shit.

All right.

Charlie, our next poem

was inspired
by the great Emily Dickinson,

who I consider a real goddess.

You know, whatever happened
to them hos, man?

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.

But, Charlie,
let me remind you...

Something every man
must know.

Once the money goes,

so does the hos.

Trust me on that one,
Charlie.

Man, come on,
let's keep it real.

You know, Brooke,

Charlie had every fucking
disease known to man,

but still,
you suck his dick

before you shake
Steve-O's hand, you know?

[Speaks indistinctly]

This wife-beating cokehead

claims he's some
rock star from Mars.

Man, if he was black, his ass
would be behind bars, you know?

Which is fuckin' bullshit,

because I'm
the greatest poet alive!

I'm the greatest
wordsmith ever.

I'm the--I'm Robert frost.

I'm--I'm lord Byron.

My verses are impetuous,
my rhymes impregnable.

I want to eat your children!

I--I...

[Cheers and applause]

But, of course,
I'm using poetic license,

and, um, they haven't
revoked that one yet.

And thank you all, guys.

May you guys continue
and resume to being nasty

and talking mean
to one another.

God bless you.
Bye, guys.

I'm finished.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Anthony jeselnik's act

combines the excitement
of standing there

with the thrill
of saying words.

You know him best from me
saying his name right now.

Please welcome a man
who's got a bright future

in something
other than comedy,

Anthony jeselnik.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Seth macfarlane,
everybody, huh?

[Cheers and applause]

This is macfarlane's third time
hosting the show,

which should come
as no surprise,

because when Seth macfarlane
does something,

by God, he repeats
the living shit out of it.

My good friend
Jeff Ross is here...

- Yeah, buddy.

[Cheers and applause]

- Even though
it's laundry day.

I'm glad you're here, Jeff.

You cannot do a roast
without the roast master.

In fact, if they ever make
a mount rushmore of roasters,

Jeff Ross will get to be
a tour guide.

And Kate Walsh...

I don't watch
that stupid show you're on.

But I did think
it was interesting

that you have your own line
of perfume, you know,

for that special lady

who wants to smell like
"who gives a fuck?"

I'm glad William shatner

could squeeze this roast
into his schedule...

In between
cosmetic surgeries.

Bill,
your face is so plastic

that when
you're done with it,

they're gonna have to cut it up
into little pieces

so that birds don't die.

What's up, Steve-O?

You have done so many drugs

and had your testicles crushed
so many times

that if you ever even try
to have kids,

they're gonna be just like you.

And, Steve-O I know you were
in a dark place for a while.

You were struggling.

But now you're trying
stand-up comedy.

I actually saw you perform
once at the comedy cellar,

and here's some free advice,
Steve-O.

Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O'Neal is here.

You literally
cannot miss him.

Holy Christ, you're fat.

You look like
you deep-fry your hands

before you bite
your fingernails.

- That's a good joke.

- That's a racist joke!

That's some racist shit
right there.

- Mike Tyson.

That's the whole joke.

Mike Tyson, I love you.

You're my favorite boxer
of all time.

I don't even want to stand up
here and make fun of you.

Besides, what can you say
about Mike Tyson

that hasn't already been the
title of a Richard pryor album?

- Oh, shit.

- He got it.
- I did.

- Patrice got it.

- Too many white people
to get that.

- Too many white people?

You know what no one ever says
is "too few black people."

Yeah.

Yeah, Mike Tyson is here.

Evander holyfield wanted to be
here too tonight.

But he's being retarded now.

And, Mike,

Mike, to me, you will always
be the champion.

You will always
be the champion...

- Thank you very much.

- The champion of having more
shit on your face than seal.

Mike Tyson
got a tattoo on his face

so that every time
he looks in the mirror,

he can be proud
that converting to islam

is only the second dumbest
thing he's ever done.

- That's good.

- You regret it.

- I will later.

- And now
for the man of the hour,

Mr. Charlie sheen.

Charlie, I don't understand

why you're not grateful
for what you have right now.

I mean, after all,

the only reason you got on TV
in the first place

is because God hates
Michael j. Fox.

Charlie, you are a monster.

Every moment of your life

looks like the first two minutes
of "law & order: Svu."

You've convinced more women
to have abortions

than the prenatal test
for down's syndrome.

And, Charlie, I think
the craziest thing about you

is that you thought you were
gonna go back to your TV show

after calling your boss
a "Jew kike."

If people got
to keep their jobs

after calling their boss
a Jew kike, Charlie,

then everyone would do it.

But, Charlie,

despite everything
I've just said,

you're a good sport
for being here tonight.

Thanks for letting me
be here too.

Thank you, everybody.

Thanks a lot.

[Rock music]

- Uh, our next roaster
is Steve-O.

[Cheers and applause]

This guy makes it easy for us

to bust his balls
and pull his leg,

because his balls are usually
stapled to his leg.

Steve-O has a--he's got a tattoo
of his own face on his back.

And that's so
they can identify his body

when he blows his head off.

So, now, please give up
your horse semen for Steve-O.

- What an honor to be here
with Mike Tyson.

The last time
I hung out with Mike,

we locked ourselves
in a bathroom

and ripped through
five grams of cocaine.

But Mike's really
changed his ways, though.

See, here he is taking
a beating for a check,

and it hasn't been made out
to Don King.

- That is a good one.
That is a good one.

- Don't feel bad, though, Mike.

I know what it's like
to generate millions of dollars

by sacrificing your body

only to have someone else
take it all for themselves.

Johnny Knoxville has been
doing that to me for years.

Some people know Kate Walsh
as a television actress,

but most people
don't know her at all.

And my hero...

Charlie sheen.

Charlie definitely has
tiger blood

coursing through
his veins.

Unfortunately, that tiger is
a helpless drug addict.

Dude, your nose
is like my ass.

There's nothing
you won't shove up there.

I've been clean and sober
for 3 1/2 years now...

[Cheers and applause]

But Charlie still
hasn't hit rock bottom.

I know he's looking forward
to it, though,

because he thinks
there's a rock there.

You know,
when Charlie started

referring to his girlfriends
as goddesses,

I was confused,

so I looked it up
in the dictionary.

It said,
"goddesses, plural, noun--

two cum dumpsters who got
sick of buying their own drugs."

But, Charlie,
don't ever pretend

that you're not a totally
bitchin' rock star from Mars,

because you are.

And I love you.

And I am so grateful

that you've let me be
a part of this tonight.

Right now,
I'm gonna do something

insanely stupid for you.

I am going to attempt

to get a black eye

from the former heavyweight
champion of the world.

[Cheers and applause]

Mike, bro, I am ready.

Let me get that fist.

- Man, I don't want
to do this shit, man.

We're not gonna call the police
or anything after this.

- Fuck him up, Mike!

- All right.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay.

One, two, three.

- Go for it.

- Aah!

Ah.

I think that'll do it.

Thank you, everybody.

- Wow.

That's what it looks like when
an asshole gets fisted, I guess.

All right.

All right, what can I say
about Amy schumer?

Um, I actually
mean that sincerely.

I've never heard
of this woman.

So please get ready
for the comedy stylings

of the fourth runner-up

of the fifth season
of "last comic standing,"

Amy schumer.

- Mike "tython."

Am I saying that right?

- Ha ha.
I'll get you good.

Oh, God.

- Wasn't he great up here?

No, I'm asking.

I couldn't understand
a fuckin' word he said.

Mike, your voice sounds
like a girl crying.

Every time you speak,

do you give yourself
an erection?

- Sometimes.
Depends what I'm talking about--

- hey, hey, hey, Mike,

here's something
you'll never hear--

"great tattoo!"

You have a slutty
lower-back tattoo on your face.

Men don't know
whether to be scared of it

or finish on it.

Look at that face.

It's so--
it's so dark and wrinkly

and constantly
getting pounded.

It's like patrice's
grandmother's asshole

after a gospel brunch.

- Whoa, shit.

- I'm just assuming
she raised you.

Patrice O'Neal,
one of my favorite comics--

patrice has always been destined
for stardom and diabetes.

So tonight is not just
the roast of Charlie sheen.

It's also a farewell party
for patrice's foot.

- Holy shit.
Evil.

Sitting next to this bitch
the whole time.

I didn't know she--
this was coming.

- A lot of people
don't know this,

but patrice also had
a crack problem.

But with a lot of love
and patience,

he finally learned
to attach a rag to a stick

and wipe himself.

- Oh, like one of them
700-pound people?

Oh, shit, I'm that fat?
I've never been that fat.

- It's true.

- If Amy had as many dicks
coming out as she had going in,

she'd look like
a fuckin' porcupine.

- Is his interpreter here?

[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]

- Jeff Ross is gross.

But, no, I could see a girl
hooking up with you, Jeff.

I mean, I would sit on your face

just so I wouldn't
have to look at it.

Anthony,
what's your last name--

uh, Van Der sloot?

What is it?
Uh...

You have all the likeability
of a Hitler youth.

Look at you.

Speaking of Kate Walsh,
Kate, to some people,

"grey's anatomy"
is more than a TV show.

In fact, "grey's anatomy"

is what William shatner
calls his balls.

Right?

William.

I've seen less bloated men
dredged out of rivers.

What's going on?

Wha--does priceline pay you
in empanadas?

What's happening?

- Are we taking that from her?
- Oh, yeah, we have to.

- You got to get her back!
- Go get her.

Steve-O, great try.

Steve-O...

But I truly am, no joke,

sorry for the loss
of your friend Ryan Dunn.

I know
you must have been thinking,

"it could have been me,"

and I know we were all thinking,
"why wasn't it?"

Um...

[Audience groans]

Thank you.

- Fuck you, Amy!

- Oh, Mike.
Stay away from me.

Speaking of things
that should already be dead,

Charlie sheen is still alive.

Charlie, you--I'm a fan.

You were amazing in "platoon."

Your marriage
to Denise Richards,

it was kind of like
her Vietnam,

'cause she was constantly afraid
of being killed by Charlie.

[Laughter]

But there's no denying
how famous you are.

I mean,
it was international news

when you ruined the lives

of those two girls
living with you--

you know,
your daughters.

[Audience groans]

But, no, I mean, Charlie,
you get a bad rap,

but you're just like
Bruce Willis.

You know, you were big
in the '80s,

and now your old slot's being
filled with Ashton kutcher.

But all joking aside,

if you ever need a friend
to pee in a cup for you,

I'm your gal.

Thanks for having me.

[Cheers and applause]

- All right,
our next roaster

is the legendary
William shatner.

[Cheers and applause]

Shatner is 80 years old.
Can you believe that?

80 years old, so...

[Cheers and applause]

So the next time
we see him on TV,

he'll be starring in
"shit my dad is sitting in."

But for now,
here he is.

I can't joke about this guy,

'cause I think he's
the fuckin' greatest.

The guy who played captain kirk

back before "star trek" looked
like a bunch of gay guys

working in a Mac store,
William shatner.

- Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Keep it going for Chaz Bono.

Uh, Charlie...

I was driving by tonight,

and I heard that
they were doing your roast,

and I thought what a great--
great opportunity

to offer this young Mexican...

A bit of fatherly advice

he so clearly
hasn't been getting.

You see, I've been doing this
for quite a while now,

and I think that, uh,
I can bestow on you

some of the vast wisdom
from my experience

in this wonderful business
of entertainment.

Uh, first off, Charlie,

I'm 80 years old.

You're, what, 47?

- 46.

- How come we look like
we went to high school together?

And, uh...

And you're going too fast, son.

You got to slow down
and smell the roses, my boy.

That's why I have
such a storied and...

Illustrious career...

Because I'm patient.

I was willing
to wait a long time

to get
into the right projects...

Just like
patrice O'Neal's family.

Okay, Charlie.

So you're out of a job.
Don't feel sad.

I know another famous guy
who was kind to whores

and always kept
12 losers around,

and he got...

Crucified by Jews too.

And people
worshipped that guy.

Look, look, Carlos...

I've had my share of wild times
with the señoritas, yeah.

I've had sex in space
with green women.

Sure, you've had sex
with blue women,

because unlike you,

they couldn't handle
their drugs.

You don't need
that kind of press, Charlie!

In my day, if I wanted
that kind of publicity,

I had to do something drastic,

like kiss a black girl...

Or let an Asian drive.

Oh.

May I suggest to you,
Charlie...

That you reexamine
your relations with women?

Prostitutes cost
a lot of money, Charlie.

Hasn't anyone told you

that actresses
will sleep with you for free?

Man, that's--
that's Hollywood 101.

You should have called.

You know, uh, what will help you
get through this--

this--this tough spot,

something--you have
to give something back.

See, I was at--recently
at a celebrity auction

where I sold
one of my kidney stones

for $75,000.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Do you understand
what I've done?

I synthesized uric acid
and calcium

inside my bladder

and turned it into a house
for habitat for humanity.

Who's the warlock now, bitch?

Actually, Emilio...

We're not that different.

You're a rock star
from Mars.

Yes, you are.

And as one rocket man
to another,

if I may give you

my most important piece
of advice tonight--

never, ever forget

to book your next rehab stay

[Cheers and applause]

Now, Charlie, see,
you take it from the master.

That little subtle plug there--

$65 right in the pocket.

Whoa, my,
look at the time.

Oh, jeez.

I got to simply--
I must get home.

I want to catch
that new Ashton kutcher show.

Do you--do you know him?

He's a nice guy.
- No.

- I went to high school
with his wife.

Thank you very much.

[Cheers and applause]

- It was funny.

How awesome was that?

Um...

Our next roaster
is patrice O'Neal.

[Cheers and applause]

You may recognize patrice

from his many speaking roles
in movies,

but only if you've sat
in front of him in a theater.

Um...
I know.

I know; Some of these jokes
may come off racist,

which is why
it's important to remember

that rosa parks fought

so patrice could take
three seats on the bus.

So please welcome a guy
who looks like Chris farley

after a mine-shaft explosion,

the very funny
patrice O'Neal.

[Rock music]

- Thank you very much.

I, uh...

It's just strange, 'cause...

I had all this planned shit,
but I didn't...

Like, I didn't know
William shatner

was gonna be quasi...

Like, a old racist man.

Like, but...

[Laughter]

But everybody's giggling,
like, "whoa, he's..."

You're a fuckin' asshole,
captain kirk.

- What are you talking about?

- Like,
I don't respect him,

but, like, I'll respect him,

'cause he's fuckin'
captain kirk,

but I think
he might be racist,

'cause his hair plugs look like
black girls' pussy hair.

This is fucking amazing.

Like, I wasn't gonna be mean
to Anthony.

I don't know him.
I never met him.

Like, so I'm sitting
here watching him,

and I'm like, "he has
way too much confidence."

Like, in my world,
he's an open-miker.

Nobody knows him,
and nobody should.

Like, nobody should fuckin' know
Anthony, uh...

I refuse to learn
his last shitty name.

I learned galifianakis.

That's the last
shitty last name

this nigga's gonna learn
in this fuckin' funky town.

He reminds me of
a medieval restaurant waiter.

Like...

His whole demeanor.

Like,
"hello, may I welcome to--"

and you just want to go,
"shut the fuck up

"and bring me
my giant Turkey leg,

you fuckin' nothing."

How the fuck can I be
too mean after all this shit?

I can't believe it.

I'm dying of diabetes,

and you motherfuckers
are like,

"oh, that evil, fat puff."
You know.

I consider Seth an icon.
I do.

Like, I got a critique
about Seth.

It--it's too much Seth.

It's...

Like, it's almost like he's
jealous of his own creation,

where he wants to prove,
"I'm better than the cartoons."

But he's not better
than the cartoons.

See, but I think
the problem is with Seth

is that he don't have
a partner,

you know,
like the "South park" guys

or Hanna-barbera.

I know we've read
that old story

that, uh, Hanna once said,
"I'm bigger than yogi,"

and barbera slapped the shit
out of him for saying that?

Seth needs a barbera...

To slap him
and slap him twice,

once to say, "hey, man, don't
forget why people love you."

And two,
"just say you're gay."

No...

[Laughter]

No straight man
writes that many show tunes.

That's a fact.

I love Mike Tyson,
and I don't have much to say.

As a fan of Mike Tyson--
as a fan, I love him,

and I don't mean that--
you know, I love him--

- fuck you.
- I love you, man.

I'm just disappointed and hurt

at how much comfort white people
have around you now.

I don't--I don't like it.

And Steve-O,

this new, subdued,
"not drunk" you,

it fuckin' stinks, man.

Ride that whole Steve-O shit
till the wheels come off, man.

Let a fuckin' leech
bite your eyeballs

and do some goofy shit.

Even your fake punch,
it just--

you disturb
me with your lack of edge.

You just, like--

why are you still looking at me
like that, Mr. shatner, sir?

You're like, "boy,
I had more for that nigga.

"I didn't say it.
I should have said it,

'cause he's an asshole."

- You're telling it as it is.
- [Laughs]

- You're telling it
like it is.

- Jeff Ross,
I love you, I guess.

Look, Jeff Ross is a legend.

His funniness is a legend.

But when I say "legend,"
I mean a myth...

Like the loch ness monster
or bigfoot.

Like,
we all believe they exist,

but who really ever saw it?

Ah, shit.

I've turned down many roasts.

I have--
about three or four of 'em.

And I said yes to this,
and I'm dead-ass serious.

I said yes to this
because, uh,

I respect Charlie sheen.

I do.
I said yes 'cause I respe--

not--not--not
his body of work.

Like, not...

It's all been
very Christian slater-ish.

Like, it just, like...

[Laughter]

He sucks, but he's good.

But he sucks
at the same time.

I think
that his stand that he made,

uh, against the business--

I think this is
a fucked-up business,

but he stood up,
he still survived,

uh, and he proved
that nobody can keep, like,

a sheen down, you know?

They can keep a estevez down,
'cause his brother...

And he's the good one.

That motherfucker
do everything right,

and that nigga's career
is over.

Holy shit.

Fuck tiger blood.

He's selling his own blood
to make money.

But I wanted to say
to your eyes, man,

I-I-I...

I love that you stood up
to what you thought was wrong,

and, uh, I'm impressed by you,
and I wanted to say that.

So thank you, man.
Thanks for having me.

Y'all take care.
Thank you.

- And now it is time
for the moment

we've all been waiting for.

We're gonna get to hear
a ranting tirade

from the man himself.

[Cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you a man
with a big heart,

because it's been dangerously
enlarged by cocaine use,

Charlie sheen.

- Hi.
Hello.

I'm Charlie.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow.

Wow fuckin' wow.

What a night.

Until tonight, I never realized
how fucked up I was.

All this time, I thought
I was just having fun.

[Sighs]

Maybe I should have listened
to those 60 doctors...

3 ex-wives...

2 paramedics...

And 9 dead relatives who were
motioning me toward the light.

All of whom told me
not to do this roast.

Yeah, it's true.
It's true.

I've hung around with a lot
of shady people over the years--

losers, drug addicts,

dealers, desperate whores.

But to have you all here
on one night is really special.

[Cheers and applause]

My thanks
to Seth macfarlane.

Great job tonight.

Look at you, Seth.

You've got the--
got the spray-on tan,

the waxed eyebrows,
the pec implants,

halogen teeth,
the bleached anus...

The scrotal tuck,

nipple enlargement,

taint augmentation.

But I got to admit,
I envy you.

You've got boatloads of money,

three TV shows,

and still, even with
all the work you've had done,

you can walk down the street
totally unrecognized.

- Yes.

Yes.

- I wish when I went out
in public

the only thing I had to be
afraid of is hearing,

"who's that dickhead
with the fake tan?"

But--but you're not
a total unknown.

Seriously, tell me,

dude to dude,

what's comicon pussy like?

- It's...

- Maybe someday I'll get to fuck

a fat chick with Spock ears
and funyun breath.

But tonight I put all
the craziness behind me.

I say let the past
stay in the past...

With jon lovitz.

Steve-O,
you're an animal, man.

People say I'm crazy,
but you, you're the real deal.

This guy actually got a tattoo
of his own face on his back.

There it is.
There it is.

Even he knows
it was a huge mistake,

because it makes

Johnny Knoxville's cock
go soft.

Kate Walsh.

I don't know anyone
who watches your show...

Because I date women
who can still get their period.

Kate actually created
and sells

her own perfume called
"boyfriend."

It comes in a bottle...

And on your hair...

And between your tits.

- That's true.

- Then it leaves
and never calls you again.

Kate, you should've called it
"Charlie sheen."

Anthony jeselnik.

I really liked
your slow, measured delivery.

It's as if you were trying to--
trying to savor the moment.

Years from now when you're
locking up at radioshack...

You'll look back
at tonight and say...

"I...

"Wish...I...

"Was...

Funnier."

- Goddamn.

- Seriously, dude, the only
thing slower than your delivery

is patrice O'Neal's
metabolism.

When I first
saw patrice on the stage,

I thought the same thing
we all did--

why is Mike Tyson's
mother here?

But, Mike, no, no,
Mike, Mike, Mike,

you were fantastic tonight.

- Oh, shit.

- By the way, Mike,

I'm sorry for drinking
all the blood out of your tiger.

I was going through
a weird phase.

Ah, look, there he is--

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, Jeff, that gaddafi outfit
is perfect for you,

because you have what I would
call a Libyan face.

By that, I mean
it's fuckin' revolting.

Oh, hey, look.
Look.

It's former funnyman
jon lovitz.

Just last week,
we were out on the golf course,

we chatted,
had a few laughs,

then he got back
on the mower and drove off.

And Amy schumer.

Great job.

You really fucked me tonight...

Which I dig, because
I'm into anonymous sex.

And no one's more anonymous here
than Amy schumer.

I mean,
I'm Charlie fuckin' sheen.

They know me on Mars.

They don't know you
in this room.

You know, I personally asked
that William shatner be here,

only because I needed
some clean urine.

I had to wring it
out of the diaper,

but it did the job.

Bill, you've always been
an inspiration to my acting.

It was your work
on "star trek"

that inspired me
to act like an asshole

until the rest of the cast
stopped speaking to me.

But, look, look,
this has been, um...

This has been both
enlightening and fun.

You are all
worthy adversaries.

But the thing is,

once again,
I have come out unscathed.

[Cheers and applause]

You can't hurt me.

Hell,
I can't even hurt me.

Drugs couldn't kill me.

Sex couldn't kill me.

The press couldn't kill me.

"Two and a half men"
couldn't kill me.

Did you really think
your little jokes

were gonna hurt me?

I'm the wild thing--
Ricky fuckin' Vaughn, man.

[Cheers and applause]

You're looking at a guy
who thrives on chaos.

At ten years old, I was
on the set of "apocalypse now"

in the philippine jungle,
playing with severed heads

in colonel kurtz's compound.

When I did "Ferris Bueller,"

my first line in the film
was "drugs?"

I thought they were asking me
how I wanted to be paid.

After "platoon," "wall street,'
and "major league,"

I went on to have the biggest
salary on television.

Sounds great, right?
It was.

No, really.
It fuckin' was.

I did porn stars.
I did drugs.

I had my own television show.

And then...

Then I did the one thing
that everyone in America

really wishes they could do.

I told my boss
to fuck off.

[Cheers and applause]

And then it was gone...

In one fiery
public flame-out.

And it was only
when the smoke cleared,

I realized
just how lucky I am,

because even after all that,

I still have a family
that loves me.

[Cheers and applause]

That's why
they're not here tonight.

Yeah, they've--
they've seen me in jail.

They've seen me
rushed to emergency rooms.

They've seen me
dragged into court.

But seeing me on basic cable
would kill them.

But I know--
I know that my family

will always be there for me,

so...

What I'm trying
to say is that

I'm done with "the winning,"

because I've already won.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

This roast may be over,

but I'm Charlie sheen.

And in here--
in here burns

an eternal fire.

I just have to remember

to keep it away
from a crack pipe.

I'll see you all
in the next adventure.

I love you.
Good night. Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

[Rock music]

- Mike.

- Oh, he's doing it again?
- Yeah.

- This motherfucker.

- Come on, Steve-O.
- Don't hurt me!

- Oh!

- Shit, that just went
right in his eye.

That just
went right in his eye.

- Are you okay?
- That went right in his eye.

- Broken nose.
- Are you all right?

- Are you okay?
- A broke nose.

- Oh, shit.
- You broke your nose?

- I'm sorry.

- It was his fuckin' fault,
dude.

It's not your fault.
- We need a medic.

- I better get out of this fast.
- No, no, no.

It's all good, man.
- Uh, Steve-O.

- Steve-O.
- Yeah.

- What the fuck?
- How you feelin'?

- You're beautiful, man.
- I mean, and I'm a sick guy.

- You're beautiful.

- If you're gonna
have a broken nose,

that's the fucking way
to get it.

- You were awesome.

- That's--Charlie,
nice work, man.

You were too.

- It'll hit me later that
I told Mike Tyson he can't read,

and then I'll shit myself.

- It was good--everybody was
a good sport, actually.

Especially Charlie.

- We made it.
We survived a roast.

- So until next time,

which will be never,

so long.

Right on.