Comedian (2002) - full transcript

[ Mid-tempo jazz plays,
vehicles passing ]

[ lndistinct conversations ]

Hey, guys,
life-centered comedy.

Come on in .

She weighed 1 ,200 pounds, and
the guy stayed married to her.

Can you imagine that?

''Honey, do you think
l look fat in this?''

l have noticed that there is
a certain compulsion

among stand-up comedians
to go onstage and perform .

Yeah , unless you wanna go.

lt's a real need .



[ Applause ]

What am l doing here?

[ Laughter ]

l made it!

l had my own show!

[ Laughter ]

What did l do?

l'm back here now!

l screwed up.

[ Up-tempo jazz plays ]

Why are you here?

Why am l here?
That's a good question .

l could ask you
the same thing .

Well , l did an HBO special
last year.



l retired everything
l've ever written

and wanted to start fresh .

And you have just these couple
little things to hang on to.

lt's very strange.
lt's very hard to get used to.

l was in L.A. last week.

Everyone's going , ''l'm not just
blowing smoke up your ass.''

You know that expression?

Hey, l really thought it was,
you know, it was good .

And l'm not just blowing smoke
up your ass.

What is it about having smoke
blown up your ass. . .

Yeah , l've got, like, two bits,
and the rest is. . .

shit.

[ Cheers and applause ]

l tell ya, l could not fuck
around with these people,

or l was going down ,
l knew it.

But they were with you .

That was -- like, you looked
like you were having fun .

That's my job.

[ Up-tempo jazz plays ]

l just have no idea
what the curve is

of when it's gonna be,
you know. . .

something . . .

that's like --
it feels like --

like --
like it used to feel .

When you're killing ,

and while you're up there
killing , you're miserable,

then it's back
where it used to be.

When you're like,
''Ah , big deal .

l made these idiots laugh .''

[ Laughs ]

l saw this lady today with
a little, uh -- what was it?

l don't even know the names of
these little dogs.

The really little one.

- Chihuahua.
- Shih tzu .
- Yorkies.

No. l don't know.
l don't know.

l wouldn't even know
if you said it.

- Rat in a dog suit.
- lt doesn't matter.

[ Laughter ]

You really can just relax, sir.

l'll take it from here.

[ lndistinct conversations ]

This place absolutely has that
unmistakable smell

of every comedy club l went to
starting out in New York --

that -- this kind of wood

with , like, with alcohol ,
the cigarettes.

l don't know what it is.

lt's so distinctive.

Colin Quinn , everyone!

[ Cheers and applause ]

l just love it.

l love walking downstairs.

Jerry Seinfeld !

Go in there. lt's all crowded .
Everyone's perched .

You just go on and grab the mike
and bust it out.

You know what l mean?

The bare essentials.

lt's like Tyson fighting
with no socks --

just his shorts and his shoes,
and that's it.

lt is the smelly gym .

Yeah .

l love the conspiracy people.

You always have the friends
that think

they have the inside dope
on everything .

l go to the movies
with my friend ,

l go to reach for a straw --
the straw thing , you know --

he goes, ''Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Never take the first straw.

''Don't take
the top front straws.

''Always take the straws
in the back.

''My nephew used to work here.

They rub their balls
on the straws.''

[ Laughter ]

They rub their balls
on the straws?

''That's how they fuck around .''

Really? That's a very nice way
to pass the time.

He yells at the popcorn kid ,
''Don't give us from the top.

''Underneath the top.
We don't want the top level .

They jerk off in the popcorn .
My cousin used to work here.''

He's like,
''Don't give us ginger ale.

They piss in the ginger ale.
My brother used to work'' --

Sounds like the problem might be
your relatives.

lt's a real pleasure to bring
this next guy to the stage.

lt's been a pleasure to watch
him grow in the last few months.

How about a big hand for
Jerry Seinfeld , everybody?

[ Cheers and applause ]

People always say to me,
''lt must be so easy.''

lt's not easy.

What's easy?

For me, now, because
people know who l am .

No, you get a little bit
of a break up front.

You're goddamn right!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah .

And then , uh ,
you still gotta be funny.

That's the beauty of stand-up,
though .

That's the -- that's why
it's closest to justice.

Not that it's just, ultimately,
but it's close to justice.

Even Jack Nicholson ,
who everybody loves,

if he's in the middle
of a comedy show,

everybody'd give him
five minutes of grace.

And then they'd be like,
''Okay, Jack, you know,

if you're not making us laugh ,
get going .''

You know what l mean?

He's the most beloved person
there is.

Right.

So, in the end ,
whatever it is --

whether it's three days
or seven days --

you're still irritated ,
still annoyed , still frustrated ,

still hating the whole
experience all the way through .

And , now, my point here. . .

[ Laughter ]

What is my point?

God damn it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

l got off on that whole thing
about the number.

Oh , damn it.

l don't know.

l don't know.

What was it about?

And it's -- l didn't even want
to say what l just said .

That's the ugly part.

l don't remember.

Anyway, there's something good
there about --

WOMAN :
ls this your first gig?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah .
Yes, it is, actually.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

No, l , uh --

Well , you know, uh ,
doing all --

all this stuff l have never said
before to anyone.

These are thoughts.

This is how comedians
develop material .

And , uh , as you can see,
it's quite painful .

[ Laughter ]

The equivalent
for a normal person

would be to go into work
in your underwear

and try and do your job
that you normally do.

All of a sudden ,
you can't do anything .

That's how a comedian feels
when he's doing a new bit.

l'll tell you what's funny --
that think-tank bit.

- Oh , come on !
- What?

That's so stupid .

l would always --
l always thought this --

l hear about these places
called a think tank.

l mean , it's just really --
just a bunch of smart guys,

and they bring in problems
and try and solve them , right?

Nick Depaulo has a friend
who's in a think tank in Boston .

Really?

Nick, where's your friend --
where is he in a think tank?

l can't believe that many people
have heard of a think tank.

- [ Laughing ]
- l'm thinking here.

What do you think people say
when they go,

''l can't even think''?

They say,
''Wanna go for lunch?

Just give me
two more minutes.''

[ Laughing ]

''All right.

''Let's get going .

l just want to finish
this one thing .''

He just sits there looking
at you .

lt's in there.
lt's in there.

lt would be kind of cool
if there was a submarine, too.

Descend into the tank,
and we'll let you up.

Well , that's the tank aspect
of it.

Yeah .
And they won't let you up

till you have, like,
five thoughts.

''What do you got?''

''Uh , what about, uh ,
a pair of shoes with'' --

''No.'' Shut the door on you .

So when you go
for the interview --

He doesn't think.
lf you know how to think --

You know, sometimes,
you just don't think.

You just don't think.

That's why they fire you .
They fire --

''What do you mean
you're letting me go? Why?''

''Because sometimes
you just don't think.''

That is very funny.

''lf you think that's thinking ,
you better think again .''

''l swear, l'm racking
my brains.''

''That's what you think.''

''Hey, Johnson ,
l see you sitting in there.''

''l don't know
what you're thinking .''

[ Laughter ]

''To me, it's like you don't even
think sometimes!''

''l swear, boss,
l'm racking my brains.''

''Maybe that's what you think!''

Mark my word , that think-tank
bit is gonna be big .

- Yeah .
- [ Laughs ]

[ vehicle horn honks ]

Now, l've tried biking .
And don't bike in the city.

Oh , no, don't do it.

l just got a ticket for running
a red light on my bicycle.

l got pulled over by a cop
on a bicycle.

This guy's chasing me
for three blocks.

He's like, ''Ring-ring !
Ring-ring !''

[ Laughter ]

''Move away from the bicycle.

Move away from the bicycle!''

See, l'm not 1 00%%% confident
about this stuff,

and that's what kills me.

lf you're not behind it 1 00%%% ,
you can't sell it.

l tape all my shows because, uh ,
that way l can go home

and see what works
and what doesn't work.

[ lndistinct speaking
on television ]

Back to you , Phil .

[ Laughter ]

Did l say ''Potatoes are good
for you'' twice?

And my mind
does not stop writing ,

and that's why
l'm up all night worried ,

because l'm thinking
about all the jokes.

You know, if l'm doing a show
on being Jewish ,

l can pull out
the ''Jewish'' stuff.

lf l want to do dating ,
here's ''Dating .''

''Old jokes to rotate in .''

These are all screenplays
l've written .

Look at that.

These are all my journals.

All my journals.

lt's all here. lt's all here.
This is it.

These are all jokes.

These are jokes, jokes, jokes.

l can't believe how much work
l've done.

l have dreams at night

that -- that all the material
l've created

is just gonna fall on me and
kill me and suffocate me.

[ Groans ]

[ lndistinct speaking
on television ]

Ohh !

''Ohh !''
l love that little dance.

That's painful ,
watching yourself on tape.

Even if you're doing well ,
you're like,

''Damn , look at my -- look at the
way my hand moved or. . .''

- Hey, Jerry.
- How you doing?

Got it figured out?

Now you've added more pressure
to my night.

l was going to do
at least 7 0%%% new stuff,

and at least a 1 00%%%
a new order,

and open with something
l've never opened with before.

- Really?
- Yes.

Wow.

[ Both laugh ]

Not impressed , are you?

No, l am .
l wouldn't do that.

- Really?
- No.

- Why is that?
- You're crazy.

You're taking your life
in your hands.

ls he bringing me up?

ls he?

Poor guy.

He's a goner.

l realized today
when l walk by a cute girl ,

9 times out of 1 0, l'll turn
around and look at her ass.

And 1 0 times out of 1 0,

she doesn't look around
to look at mine.

And that's depressing .

All right, l gotta go.

Thank you very much , everybody.
Good night.

Listen , everybody thinks you're
funny until you're funny,

and then they don't say
you're funny anymore.

So when a comic comes up and
goes, ''You're really funny,''

that means you're not funny.

That's like you're
an open-miker.

And then the minute
you get really funny, then --

then they turn on you ,

and the jealousy in this
business is ridiculous.

And the amount of that
that l've had to battle --

l mean , everyone's like, ''Orny's
so cocky, Orny's so this.''

l'm just sure of myself,

and l've never been
condescending to anybody else.

Normally what l do
is l open with , like,

three or four minutes,

l do a couple of new stuff,
and then l go in , you know.

That's the right way
to do it.

You always need
to establish yourself,

establish the audience,

'cause you're
never really comfortable.

Even though you may think you
are, you never really are.

Right. l know.
But l thought l could --

l did it the other night.

Yeah , l've done it, too,
and it's still a mistake.

Yeah .
Good luck following that.

[ Loud cheers ]

Fuck him .

You know,
when Jerry gets up there,

they're standing ,
they're on their feet.

You know, l brought him up
the other night.

Everyone stands up.

l didn't know if they were
standing up

because l was leaving
or he was coming ,

but they stand up.

very nice.
Thank you very much .

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good job, Jerry.

Whoo.

Come on out.

You can give --
Oh , here comes more advice.

l think more important to me
is the celebrity.

l would like to right now have
everybody in this restaurant

looking at me going ,
''That is Orny Adams.

''That is him .
That guy's funny.

l really respect
what he does.''

You get to a point,

you're like, ''How much longer
can l take it?''

ls time running out?
Are you out of time?

l'm getting older.

Please.

l'm getting older.

lt's odd .
Listen , l'm 29.

l feel like l've sacrificed
so much of my life.

The last three years
have been a blur.

Do you have something else you
would rather have been doing?

You got other appointments
or other places you gotta be?

- Not necessarily, but --
- No, not necessarily.

l see all my friends
are making a lot of money --

a lot of money
on Wall Street.

You what?

l just see the --
like, my friends are --

they're moving up,
and l'm worried --

- They're moving up?
- They're moving up.

Are you outta your mind?

No, l'm not outta my mind .
l just, uh --

This has nothing to do
with your friends.

- l've upset you .
- No, no.

This is a special thing .

This has nothing to do
with making it or --

Did you ever stop and compare
your life and go, ''Okay, l'm 29.

''My friends are all married ,
they're all having kids,

''they all have houses,

they have some sort of sense
of normality.''

Let me tell you a story.

What do you tell
your parents?

How do you deal with that?

''What do you tell
your parents?''

Yes. You know,
like how do you --

This is your --

Your parents?

Let me tell you
a story about --

This is my favorite story
about show business.

Glenn Miller's orchestra,

they were doing some gigs
somewhere.

They can't land where
they're supposed to land

because it's winter,
snowy night.

So they have to land , like,
in this field

and walk to the gig .

And they're dressed
in their suits.

They're ready to play.

They're carrying
their instruments.

So they're walking through
the snow,

and it's wet
and it's slushy.

And in the distance
they see this little house.

And there's lights on
on the inside

and this billow of smoke
coming out of the chimney.

They go up to the house,
and they look in the window,

and in the window,
they see this -- this family.

There's a guy and his wife,
and she's beautiful .

And there's two kids.

And they're all sitting
around the table.

And they're smiling , they're
laughing , and they're eating .

And there's a fire
in the fireplace.

And these guys are standing
there in their suits,

and they're wet
and they're shivering ,

they're holding
their instruments.

And they're watching

this incredible
Norman Rockwell scene.

This one guy
turns to the other guy

and goes, ''How do people
live like that?''

- That's what it's about.
- Right.

lt was beautiful .

And the advice that he gave me,

just, it reassured me
of all the feelings that l have.

That's the way l feel .

Yes, Jerry,
l am doing something different.

People are scared of me,
but you're right.

l should stand strong .

And every time l hear that
from the industry,

l'm just gonna think, ''Seinfeld
told me to stand strong .''

[ Mid-tempo jazz plays ]

Were you a class clown-type
like George was?

No.

Well , when did you start
making people laugh?

Well , l made friends laugh ,
but l never liked to --

- Friends.
- Yeah .

You were the funny guy
in the group.

Well , everybody was funny.
Don't you think?

When you were growing up,
everybody was funny.

And then , at some point,
everybody went off and got jobs.

Lenny Bruce and Robert Klein ,
really, was, like --

and George Carlin .

That's really the genesis

of every comedian
you see working today.

Everyone from my generation
wanted to be like this guy.

Robert Klein -- how about
another round of applause?

[ Cheers and applause ]

My parents, uh ,
retired to South Florida.

Uh , they're gone now,
but l'll tell you the truth ,

l have a beef
with South Florida.

l don't know what it is.

l mean , l tell you ,
l'm sick about it! Bitter!

l sent two healthy,
65-year-old retired parents

to South Florida.

30 years later, dead !

[ Laughter and applause ]

l mean , what is it --
the water, the air?

lt's a death camp!

They live in a very cozy place
called Section 2 1 .

[ Laughter ]

You're on the way down .

[ Laughter ]

Where can you go from the
biggest show of all time?

That's the way it is.
You want to be a comedian --

ls anybody here kind of thinking
about it at all ,

maybe in the back of your mind?

Yeah , just kind of thinking
about it?

You , sir?

[ Light laughter ]

Well , this is what it is.

l mean , you can't get bigger
than me.

[ Loud laughter ]

And look, l'm still shit. . .

always shit.

That is lesson number one.

ln comedy. . .

it's always shit.

l fuckin' hate it.

- You do?
- No, l don't.

l just didn't have
a good set today.

l made that rookie mistake of
opening with the new material

'cause you're excited about it
and you want to try it,

but you're not ready
to do it.

You want to make sure
you don't forget it,

and you feel like --
almost like that new stuff

is gonna open up
all this other new stuff

where you know you'll do
30 new minutes.

Right.

The oldest delusion
in the book, right?

Yup.

You gotta go in there
and get them to go,

''Oh , yeah ,
this guy is the man .''

Then you can do
whatever you want.

And then , suddenly,
you're not the man .

And you know
they think you're not the man ,

or that's what you're thinking
they're thinking .

Exactly.

They might not necessarily
think that,

but in your mind ,
that's it.

[ Slow-tempo jazz plays ]

What l was saying to Colin
the other night,

l said , ''l'm not gonna go out
Saturday night anymore.

They're too juiced up
and all the date night.''

He just set me straight.

He said , ''No, it does not matter
what the audience is.

Get up every night
anywhere you can . . .''

Work, work, work,
work, work.

''. . .early, late, good --
it doesn't matter.''

And , of course, l went,
''Of course it doesn't matter.''

When you're crafting an act,

you need to see how
that material works

in front of each different type
of situation .

[ Harmonica plays ]

Good . What's going on?

T. Sean Shannon , everybody.

Come on ! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

. . .his very funny
television show.

Ladies and gentlemen , the one
and only Jerry Seinfeld !

[ Cheers and applause ]

l'd like to do another set.

Jerry Seinfeld .

[ Cheers and applause ]

" lf you want a dollar,
then here's what you must do "

Jerry Seinfeld !

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ lndistinct conversation ]

You gotta work.

You gotta work it, work it,
work it, work it.

Well , the mad cow disease
is back.

What l love about it

is that we find a way
to blame it on the cow.

lt's not our fault.

Those cows are nuts.

[ Laughter ]

l had a good , solid 20 minutes.

20 minutes in three months
is a ton .

Think about the concept --
a beauty contest.

''You're very attractive.
l challenge you .''

They have complete confidence
in that plastic.

What do we know about the Glad
sandwich bag?

Well , it keeps the sandwich
fresh .

l'll pick up shit with it.

20 minutes is not comedy.

An hour, an hour and 1 5 minutes,
that's comedy, you know?

You learn how to open ,
how to sustain ,

how to pace.

What are you doing?

This weekend?

Working here.

[ Yawns ]

But certain trends l'm looking
forward to come to an end .

Ladies,
the outline around the lip. . .

is over.

l wish l could just say
to all the women

on behalf of the men
of planet Earth ,

we see your lips!

That's why l'm doing this.

l'm scared .

That l'm not gonna be able
to do it anymore

if l don't keep doing it,
that it might leave me.

" Looks so natural ,
no one can tell "

" Looks so natural "

You ever heard of this product
''Just For Men''?

- Yes.
- lt takes away the gray.

" No one can . . . "

l love the commercial
for Hair Color For Men .

Did you ever see it?
With the song .

" Looks so natural ,
no one can tell "

Everyone can tell .

l meant to time that set,
but l'm definitely feeling

like l've got a very solid
30 minutes.

Are you gonna go on first,
or are you gonna wait?

l'll wait.

l thought there was
so much more here.

Hold on .
l'm getting to it.

Don't you push me around here,
folks.

Do they still get drunk
Friday night, second show?

lt's better
than it used to be,

but tonight was kind of
getting there.

l wouldn't want to go on now,
l'll tell you that.

No, just go.

They kicked me out of your club
tonight twice.

Well , it's not my club,
it's theirs,

and it looks like it's gonna
happen again .

[ Laughter ]

" Looks so natural ,
no one can tell "

" You are drunk "

You guys clap when he's mean .

No one can tell .

When l'm mean , you guys are
like, ''Oh , what a dick!''

" One, two --
one, two, three "

Where are you from?

Nice to meet you .

Oh , okay.
Hi , how are you doing?

Okay.

How's it going , Jerry?

Good , how are you doing?

Yeah , we just shook.

Nice to meet you .

We just shook.

Why do we have to do it
again?

Folks comin' in late, yeah .

Y'all just missed
Jerry Seinfeld .

How fucked up do you feel now?

How bad do you feel?!

How much new stuff you got?

l got about, uh , 40 minutes.

- Really?
- Yeah .

And you're happy
with all of it?

l think -- l mean ,
l started with nothing .

l know.

And so, it was like --

When you started
with nothing ,

when you --
when you just erased it all ,

the first time you went on ,

you had , like, what,
five minutes?

Five minutes, yeah .
lt was awful .

And you just --
you didn't say,

''Let me do one old joke
to get a laugh and then l'll'' --

No.

- Really?
- No.

lt's only, actually --

l've been doing it
about four months.

lt's only been , l would say,
the past month

that l'm actually starting

to feel comfortable
going onstage. . .

not having that
not-good feeling going up

''This might not work,''

which , you know,
l haven't had for years.

That feeling of ''l don't know
if this is gonna work.''

Yeah .

l'm trying
to get it together now.

l'd like -- l'd like to,
you know, two months from now,

l think, l should be able
to go to work somewhere

and do 45 minutes.

So, does it feel like
the old act, George?

Oh , well ,
it's not quite the old act,

but it's, uh ,
you're certainly on your way.

l mean , the progress that you
made in four months is amazing .

Yeah .

The old act, you know,
that was --

you started when you were 2 1 ,
22 years old .

Yeah , right, right.

lt's very close to
a marriage-type relationship.

- Good . Nice to see you .
- Nice to see you .

My oldest client's Carl Reiner,
and he's 7 8.

That's right.

[ Laughter ]

- George Burns, he was 1 00.
- That's right.

But Jerry's gonna work --
do a date when he's 1 00.

Did you book it already?

l didn't -- What?

Did you book that yet?

lt's gonna be the Palladium .
We're talking .

[ Laughter ]

We're gonna lock it up
while l'm still --

while l'm still here.

Can you believe you're in charge
of deciding

whether our brilliant ideas
are good or not?

All these talented people,
all these -- money, Tv credits,

and they come up here,

and you get to decide what's
good and what's not good ,

and we believe you .

And what the hell do you know
about it?

Nothing .

You know nothing .

You've never written a joke.

Most of you aren't funny. . .
probably all of you .

You wouldn't be here
if you were funny.

You wouldn't need
to come to this.

But just think
of how you would feel ,

you know, if l came into your
office and said , you know,

''l don't like the things you say
at these meetings.

''l don't know anything
about your business,

''l don't have a reason ,
l don't even work here.

''l just thought l'd come in
off the street

and give you
a piece of my mind .''

''And what gives me
the authority?

l bought two drinks.''

[ Laughter ]

[ Piano plays slowly ]

[ lndistinct conversations ]

l don't really believe
in the festivals.

l think l have talent.

[ vehicles passing ]

l don't have a manager.
l don't have an agent.

l don't have a deal .

l don't have any access to L.A.

You know, Jerry's saying ,
''Go to L.A. , go to L.A.''

This will get me to --

lf l go to Montreal ,
and l have a good set --

and l can't see
how l can't have a good set

at this point in my career.

l real-- l can't.

lt's inconceivable to me
at this point.

This is, like,
a huge opportunity,

but in the scheme of life,
l'm the one with talent.

They have a festival ,

and yet they're making
my goddamn knees weak.

l've mastered the art.
l am ready.

l just went in ,
and l looked at the stage.

lt's like it's a woman .
l just want to mount it.

l just wanna get on that stage
and destroy.

Mr. Orny Adams, everybody.

[ Applause ]

Thank you .

Let me just give a little advice
to the industry.

Stretch before
l go up on stage.

'Cause when you come running
after me,

l don't want you to pull
a muscle or something .

Last year,
l thought l had lupus.

Has that happened to you yet?

[ Laughter ]

l was on the bus,
and there was an ad --

''Chances are, somebody on
the bus has lupus.''

l look around ,
l'm the only one on the bus.

Two nights in a row
of not sleeping .

Frantic, nervous energy.

l go to sleep for like
a half-hour.

l wake up.
l turn the Tv on .

l get bored of the Tv.
l shut it off.

l put on music.
l shut that off.

l go back to Tv.
l lie down for 1 0 minutes.

l get up.
You know, it's nuts.

l do some writing ,
and l'm relaxed .

l'm single. . .by choice.

Whoo!

Not my choice.

[ Clears throat ]

Apparently, the women had
a meeting behind my back.

l got blacklisted or something .

WOMAN : Gay?

No. Thank you for asking ,
though .

l appreciate that.

''Are you gay?''

No. Shut the fuck up
and let me do my routine.

Twice in two weeks, and l've
never, ever had that before.

People think they look so cool
on their cellphones, don't they?

Everybody's so cool ,

especially the people
still talking

on the first cellphones
ever made.

These people are walking around
like, ''Oh , yeah , look at me!''

[ Laughter and applause ]

''Oh , yeah .
l work on Wall Street. Yeah .

''Oh , what's that?

''Hang on a second .
Let me put the antenna up.

Excuse me, excuse me.''

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good night, everybody.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Then l walked offstage
and l went like this

to the Montreal people

'cause they gave me a wink
and the thumbs-up.

Hi , Mom . lt's your son .

Good . Good .

l was just officially told
l got it.

Yeah , so. . .

Yes, you can tell people,
you can book airline tickets,

you can do whatever you want --
l'm going to Montreal .

[ Laughs ]

l got up there and l said one --
l go, ''l'm single by choice.''

And this girl goes,
''Maybe you're gay.''

l know. Bunch of animals.

Bunch of animals.

All right. Bye-bye.
Love you too.

[ Horn honks ]

Running out of people to call .

lt's delicate
between who you can --

who you call and who
you're rubbing it in to.

Everybody's away.

l can never be happy.

l'm -- l'm unhappy again ,
everybody.

Oh , God .

Somebody -- Somebody is gonna
have to marry me.

Do you realize
there is some girl

out there right now
having fun ,

and she doesn't even realize
she has to spend

[ Laughing ] the rest
of her life with me.

[ Laughing ]

She's out there right now,
enjoying life,

not realizing
the rest of it's with me.

Hey, honey?

l hope
you're having fun now

'cause it's all coming
to an end .

l was happy for, what,
four minutes?

l made 55 phone calls
in four minutes. . .

and now l'm miserable again .

l never felt pain
until l started doing comedy.

[ lntroduction to ''Love and
Happiness'' by Al Green plays ]

" Love and happiness "

[ lndistinct talking ]

" Something's going wrong "

Oh , they're done. Shit.

What about Carolines?
Think they're still working?

Yeah , is the show
still working?

Um , no, actually,
the show is almost over.

Oh , right.
Can l still get on?

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Cheering ]

" Love and happiness "

These comedians,
they always complain --

''l can't go up now.

l can't follow this.''

How bizarre
is this evening now?

[ Cheering ]

You thought it was
pretty bizarre, didn't you?

This guy's dancing around

with a G-string on and wigs.

ls there anything more different
from me than that?

[ lndistinct talking ]

And it was fine.

What is this urge to get
information we already have?

Whenever l'm in a car

and l drive by
a mirrored office building ,

l look in the reflection
to see if l'm in the car.

- [ Laughter ]
- Whoo!

This is information
l already have.

What am l looking for?
Why am l checking?

And what would l do
if l looked and l saw

that there was a small
Korean woman driving my car?

[ Laughter and applause ]

l don't know
what l would do then .

l would have to stop
the car. . .

get out,
go up to the reflection . . .

and if it was still
a small Korean woman ,

go, ''All right.
l stand corrected .

[ Laughter ]

''Apparently,
l am a small Korean woman .

Who wants a manicure?''

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much .

Those people, you know,

they came here to see
Angel Salazar.

lt's late --
tired , finished .

lf -- lf something is good ,
it's good .

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Here we go.

Thank God .

l'm gonna meet with the guy
who's gonna change my life.

George Shapiro.

You don't expect to ever meet
George Shapiro.

You don't expect to ever be

taken out to dinner
by George Shapiro.

You don't expect George Shapiro
to be interested in you .

l mean , George Shapiro
has worked with

some of the best talent
in the last, you know,

30 or whatever years
that he's been in the business.

So, we're gonna meet Orny.

The best comics in the world

are the comics that, you know,
get their material

from their heart
and their soul .

And he seems
to have done that.

You know, he did ''Seinfeld .''
Cool .

But was it luck?
Who knows, you know?

You know, lightning's got to
strike twice in this business

for you to be a legend .

l mean , he's already a legend ,
but, l mean , to be, you know. . .

Here we are -- midtown !
This is where it all happens.

Showtime!

l don't know
what he's looking for.

You know, he's probably meeting
several people.

l want George
to walk up to me and go. . .

''Let's dance.''

l see it on the left.
See that sign that says ''Bice''?

''The '80s still thrive at this
pricey midtown northern-ltalian

serving power pastas
to beautiful people --''

that's me --
''on expense accounts --''

that's George --
''and Eurotrash .

''lt's a stylish ,
if no longer trendy, scene

that critics call --''
oh , l love this --

'''overpriced , overhyped ,

over-everything .'''

Bring it on .

We had a very nice,
long dinner,

and the upswing is George has
offered to manage me.

He said , you know,

''We're -- We're very interested .
We think that --''

And this is after hours
of just --

We went over everything --
our philosophies --

uh , philosophies on integrity,

how do we think
we would work together,

what they would do
as far as Montreal ,

as far as, like, deals --

how to, you know --
how to go through each deal

and find out
which is right for me.

l-l had all sorts of concerns,
and l voiced them differently.

Like, l would say. . .

''Now, a lot of people
would say

''George Shapiro
has too much money.

He doesn't care.''

l said , you know, ''What's your
motivation to get behind me?''

And , uh , he said three words --
uh -- ''love of comedy'' --

that he loves comedy
and that he sees my integrity

and the way l work. . .

Okay, this is good .

l'm gonna go up --

lt's good to finish
the interview with him .

Don't you think?
lt's awkward .

We're gonna go upstairs.
l'll be upstairs in room 7 0 7.

Oh , really? That's. . .

l want to hear the game.

Oh , you can't hear?

Well , you know,
l feel silly.

Uh , okay, l'm gonna be
on the other side.

So if you need me, call me.
You do the interview.

Yeah , do you want to
go up -- go up to your room .

l don't, uh . . .

l can hear it now.
They put it on loud .

lt's gonna interfere
with the audio,

but that's okay.

Um . . .

Man , seven points. . .

[ Laughs ]

Ahh !

''Hey, we'd like to give Orny
a $ 7 00,000 --

The Lakers are on !''

Listen ,
part of me feels like

l'm handing George Shapiro
a gift.

[ Horn honks ]

[ Laughing ]

SElNFELD: This is really
one of those nights --

the classic New York night

where you just stand
in front of catch --

You know, you did your set,
you just stand like this,

and try and pick up girls
on the street.

l always say your number
of years in comedy

is about your maturity level .

[ Laughs ]

When you're doing it ten years,
you're like a ten-year-old .

[ Slurring ] Oh , that's right.
Hmm? Yeah !

[ Laughter ]

1 5 -- you're like
a 1 5-year-old --

you're start--
slight bit of maturity.

When you eat salad . . .

Yes?

Then you go to the bathroom . . .

do you see the salad?

l don't think so.

No?

20 years --
you're, like, kind of a grown-up

but still completely infantile.

Excuse me, did you want

any dessert, coffee,
or anything?

They have great cheesecake,
you know. lt's amazing .

What -- apple pie.
You have apple pie?

Mm-hmm .

Yeah , l'll have
a piece of apple pie.

We're out of
the apple pie.

All right, then you know what?
Cancel it.

[ Laughs ]

l still say
you're gonna regret

not getting that cheesecake.

l do that joke all the time,
and Jessica always laughs.

- What joke?
- That's a good wife.

''Cancel it''?

When someone says they're
out of something , l say,

''You know what --
then cancel it.''

l didn't even get it.
l was like, ''Yeah , cancel it.''

Well , you can't cancel
something you can't get.

- l get it now.
- lt's automatically canceled .

l'm saying at first
l didn't get it.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Bonjour, Montreal .

Oh , my God , l died !

l had the worst set
of my life!

[ Laughs ]

That's me -- ugh --
every night.

''What happened?''

Today's Gazette.

Read -- Read this
paragraph to me.

Right there.
May -- don't touch it.

Oh , l'm sorry.

''Young stand-up Orny Adams
destroys.''

ls that you?

Orny Adams?
That's your real name?

Get out of town .

No mom would name her kid
Orny Adams.

There was a time in America --

women -- they didn't even
have the right to vote.

Then there was a vote to see
if they could vote.

Well , how the fuck
did we lose that?!

[ Laughter ]

l delivered under pressure.
l give myself a B-plus.

l give myself a B-plus.

But tomorrow night --
same time, okay, Orn?

Here l am .

This kid ripped the front page
of my paper, but. . .

''Stand up and deliver.

''Comedyfest can be
a career-maker.

Orny Adams calls it
'the draft.'''

This is the best part
right here.

''See 'Orny' on page A-1 0.''

[ Laughs ]

'''Orny' continued .''

l think this article
was so well-written .

They took three rolls of film ,

and that's the picture
they put in there?

ls anybody else shocked
with the picture?

God , it looks like
the picture

they're gonna
put in the newspaper

when l get killed
in a car crash .

''Comic killed !''
You know?

l gotta open my own door?

''The National Post'' --

right there, baby, that's me.
Front page today.

Anybody read that?

[ Light clapping ]

Anybody -- nobody reads
this goddamn paper?

[ Laughter ]

l make it on the front page
of my first national paper

and nobody reads it?

[ Laughter ]

l'm sorry,
but this audience sucks.

[ lndistinct talking ]

l don't care how you --
how you put it.

They suck.

Because l'm a competent,
professional comic

that does it every night.

And it's like they're polite
and they laugh ,

but they're not like. . .

l'm on the front page
of your paper.

[ Laughs ]
That cracks me up.

lt's a 7:00 show!

lt's 7:00 --
look at this. . .

Anybody ready to go out?

Comedy isn't a daytime thing .

l just really thought
l could do more with the paper,

and l was proud to be
in the paper.

And l'm just, you know --
it's too bad nobody reads it.

That show gave me
a headache.

[ Guffaws with French accent ]

[ Chuckles ]
lt is frustrating .

lmagine.

lmagine how many --
how many people

are out there
to see me tonight.

[ Guffaws ]

Heh .

All rise for George Shapiro.

The honorable George Shapiro.

[ Translation from French ]
How's it going? Certainly!

Wow!
This is a treasure.

They did an exclusive.

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

So -- So l take
some meetings. . .

Don't get carried away.

- l'm not getting carried away.
- Relax.

George, it's easy to say when
you got money in the bank.

Well . . .l'll give you
some money. Here. . .

You want Canadian
or American?

American , please.

That's the dumbest question
l've ever heard .

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

And l'm gonna take it!

That's just a l--
Absolutely take it.

- No, no, no.
- No, you got to take it.

You might have
some more fun .

You printed up
those cards.

Those cards are worth
at least $ 1 ,000 to me

to have a card like
this that says,

''l'm with George.''

- l can't take it.
- You got to take it.

l love it here so far.

- Love it. Love it.
- [ lndistinct talking ]

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

Are you working
this weekend?

l will be
at ''New Faces'' tonight

at, uh , Cafe Campus --
l have a 9:30 show --

and , uh , you can come out and
see if l live up to that hype.

That's -- That's what's
most nerve-racking .

lt's like l've got to
live up to this -- this image

that not only have l created
but the media has created .

What have you been --
how long have you been doing it

and where have you been
holding your sets

and all of that stuff?

Well , as soon as
the audience quiets down ,

l will answer
that question .

- Ooh .
- Shh .

Ooh .

Thank you .

Just have some fun with it,
you know.

This is -- This is your --
no pressure --

but this is your shot.

- l'm ready, my man .
- Go get 'em .

. . .from New York City.
Give him a hand --

Orny Adams.

- [ Rock music plays ]
- [ Applause ]

Whoo!

ADAMS : Hello, everybody,
how you doing?

[ Laughs ]

l love Cuban people.

They're the most buoyant people
in the world .

They'll float over
on anything .

They'd come over on this.

They'd be like,
''Come on , everybody!

We're going to America!
Come on !''

[ Laughter ]

Do you think l'm gonna be
a big star, George?

They're throwing
obstacles in front of you

on the way back
to the hotel .

They're tricky.

Do you think l'm gonna be
a big star?

Yes. And l think
you'll still be unhappy.

You'll still be --

Why you gotta curse me
like that?

- Only because you told me that.
- l'm ready.

l'm ready.

So, now, i-if l blow it,

then l don't get
to that next level .

Hey, Barry.

- How you doing , sir?
- Did you see it?

- How'd it go tonight?
- Did you see it?

No, l didn't --
l didn't see you tonight.

l'm sorry.

- l wish you had .
- His best night of his life.

l only, uh . . .

He's got a lot of respect
for me, that's all .

No, l do.

l had a great roast joke,

but l respect you
so much that l couldn't do it.

- A joke?
- l do a roast and , uh . . .

What was the joke?

Can l tell you --
but all in good fun?

Yes.

l said ,
''George Shapiro --

''l respect this guy so much ,
you know.

''Represents Seinfeld ,
now Orny Adams. . .

What's next --
the parrot from 'Baretta'?''

[ Chuckles ]
lt's not bad .

But l , uh . . .

That's -- That was soft.

Hear what he says about me
to my face.

Yeah , let's hear.

You want to hear
the opinion ,

or should l not
say anything?

l don't care.
Oh , no, of course not.

This is my opinion
of this young man .

This is what l tell him
all the time.

All he has to do --

all he ever has to do
with his career --

if he can do it --
is just. . .

And let the act speak
for itself onstage.

And l told him , ''Steven Wright
doesn't walk around

''talking about
what's gonna happen here,

''how my life's gonna go,

''what development deal l'm gonna
get, what's gonna happen ,

l got Montreal . . .''

He walks onstage,
and he says, ''Thanks.''

And he gets off
and says, ''Thanks.''

And where
is Steven Wright now?

Steven is one of
the most prolific,

brilliant stand-up comedians
of our generation .

And where is he now?

He won
an Academy Award .

For what?

For a film .

A short film .

l want you to do well .

l'm not telling you this
because l want you to suck

and have people hate you .

l know, but l-l think
that l've --

Forget what you think.
Forget anything what you think.

Just take it.
Take what l'm saying .

And just relax
and take it.

[ Laughs ] ''Relax'' is something
you can tell me. That --

- You're a great comic.
- That's what we all say.

You're doing great.

You've worked
so fucking hard ,

and it's coming together.

So where the act
is coming together,

take the other side
and have it come together.

l got to watch this guy.

All right, Barry.

Thank you .

Thank you .

[ lndistinct talking ]

What a cocksucker.

[ Man laughing ]

He's such a cock--
He doesn't know what the f--

l'm gonna sit there and let
that guy talk to me like that?

He didn't
say anything bad .

He just told you
to relax.

Which is what
l've been telling you .

Just relax.
Enjoy what's happening --

l'm just gonna start doing
what George does --

not listen and just smile.

[ Chuckles ]

There was nothing he said
that l would -- l would refute.

[ Mid-tempo jazz plays ]

Big city.

lt's only been
like six months,

which isn't long to be
attempting a full set.

l never thought
l'd be this far along .

You know, it's all about
doing the hour

where you're the entertainment
for the evening .

So l booked a date

in Washington , D.C.
at The lmprov.

We're gonna do the first show
on a Saturday.

l have this image in my mind

of what a comedian
is supposed to be

that l'm always trying
to live up to

and that l always
fall short of.

This is so exciting .

l'm the show
for the night.

l have to make that evening
work for those people.

l'll be more obsessed with
remembering everything

than really caring
whether l did well or not.

Coffee. . .

Starbucks, lips. . .

men's attention ,
construction site. . .

beauty contest. . .

the equator. . .

DNA, blind man . . .

nose hair.

[ Exhales ]

- [ Whistles ]
- [ Bottle opens ]

Hi , John?

Uh , this is
George Shapiro.

Okay, so we'll --
we'll come down now.

Yeah , okay.
We're on our way.

Bye.

[ Slow jazz plays ]

Wow, this feels really good .

[ Laughter ]

l'll probably do about 50
and then l'll come off.

And l'll go back and maybe do
another 5 or 1 0.

Leave you alone to get
your thoughts together.

- Okay, thanks.
- Nice meeting you .

Nice meeting you .

[ lndistinct talking ]

[ Exhales ]

COMEDlAN :
l bought a pair of jeans.

l wore them out on a date
that night.

And l knew the date wasn't gonna
go anywhere sexually

'cause l was out of
chloroform and rags.

[ lndistinct talking ]

And then Barry's just gonna
bring you out right there. . .

- [ Laughter ]
- right from the stage.

And l'll bring you
the water.

l'll just come up --
Would you rather --

Why don't l just -- l'll just
take this bottle with me.

You sure?

Yeah , that's fine.

lf you don't mind , could l just
get a quick picture with you --

Not right now.
Later.

- After the show?
- Yeah .

Okay, l appreciate it.
Thanks.

- [ lndistinct talking ]
- [ Laughter ]

SElNFELD: l've been living back
in New York since l , uh ,

finished the little business
l was doing in L.A.

l moved out
about, uh , 1 0, 1 5 years ago.

And now l'm back
and there's a lot of. . .

. . .on the West side.

lt's, uh , turned into kind of
a baby neighborhood --

a lot of families,
a lot of little babies.

There's too many babies.
l'm having a. . .

People picking up
after their dogs.

[ lndistinct talking ]

[ Laughter ]

Why the trends? Why. . .

Do human beings pay
these huge, massive. . .

The blind man gets the best
woman , in my opinion . . .

Got to do what you can do
in life.

Got to try and have fun .

That's why you're here tonight.

How stupid did you feel
the day after the millennium?

EMCEE : Please welcome
Mr. Jerry Seinfeld !

[ Loud cheering ]

[ lndistinct talking ]

Everybody give a big hand . . .

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow, how did that go by
so quick?

[ lndistinct talking ]

l don't know why l feel
like this --

This is so hard .

lt just feel--
l-l guess l kind of

got a little ahead
of myself,

and l think
l was expecting more.

l thought the performance
was, uh . . .

lt just didn't have the
confidence l wanted it to have.

Have -- Have you been onstage
for, like, 53 minutes before?

For that length
of time straight?

No. Not in two years.

That's the accomplishment
tonight.

You know, you stumbled
a couple of times but. . .

lt's a whole
different ball game.

lt's so fucking hard
to get comfortable.

lt just comes and goes.

There are just, like,
just little glimpses,

little moments where l feel
really like myself

and l feel comfortable.

And then the rest of it l'm ,
like, in my father's suit

with these huge sleeves
and legs and l'm going . . .

l-l'm thinking ,
''What am l wearing?

What --
What am l doing here?''

- " Sometimes l think "
- What's that?

ls there weather
in East Hampton?

- " l've almost "
- There was a chance of rain .

" Fooled myself "

l would think you have to do it
four times a week --

on the weekends, do it.

l mean , you know, l can't --

l can't really go back
to that life.

- " Sometimes l think "
- l don't want --

l can't go back on the road
for seven months a year. . .

" l've almost fooled myself "

- You know?
- [ Jessica laughs ]

l have another life now.

[ Laughs ]

" Spreading out my wings "

[ Laughs ]

" Above us like a tree "

" Laughing now, out loud "

EMCEE : Everybody,
big round of applause.

Why must l overreact?

Eh . . .

lt's gonna be all right.

But l really had a good --
l really had a momentum going .

l really had some
writing momentum and . . .

lt's not like it takes it
all the way back to square one.

Yeah . l don't know.

Just misstep for a couple days
and then you're back.

Yeah . No big deal .

Piece of cake.

[ Laughing ]

You know,
when l was starting out

l used to sit down and write
a couple times a week.

And then one day
l was watching

these construction workers
go back to work

and l was watching them kind of
trudging down the street. . .

And l was, uh , just --

it was like a --
a revelation to me,

and l realized ,
''These guys don't want to

go back to work after lunch ,
but they're going .''

'Cause that's their job.

And l think
if they can exhibit

that level of dedication
for that job,

l should be able
to do the same.

Just trudge your ass in .

[ Laughter ]

ls there a point where we're all
gonna stop telling each other

to wait. . .for the beep?!

[ Laughter ]

lt's the 2 1 st goddamn century.

The Hutu tribesmen
of the African plain

know about the beep.

They don't leave a message
until they hear. . .

[ Speaks African gibberish ]

Beep.

[ Laughter ]

Can we all stop asking
each other

to leave
our name and number?

No one needs this.

Anybody getting messages like,
''This is a woman . Goodbye.''

[ Laughter ]

''l am a lawyer.
Contact me immediately.'' Click.

l don't think so!

ADAMS : lt's 3:00 P.M.

lt's noon in L.A.

l've never been so conscious
of L.A. time.

Since Montreal it's like --
that's all l think about --

''What time is it in L.A.?

''Who's talking about me
right now?

What conversations
are going on?''

l tested for a pilot,

and the executive said
that my hair made me look

like a serial killer.

We're doing ''Letterman .''
l'm under so much pressure.

Because it's like every second
of that routine,

every word ,
has to be perfect.

George said , ''Hey,
if you don't put him on ,

we're calling
'The Tonight Show.'''

And that's when they said ,
''We want Orny.

We want him
to break on our show.''

l'm gonna go out there

and -- and do the best set
of my life. . .

So Dave comes -- comes out
and says, ''Great set''

and then turns to his producer
and says,

''When can we have him back?''

l feel censored , but l don't
really feel censored .

l mean , they're being fair,

but they're changing a lot
of the wordings of my jokes.

Like l can't say l'm getting
a tumor from my cellphone.

l have to say l'm getting
headaches from my cellphone.

These little nuances
change your rhythm ,

change your -- the way
you would normally say it.

Here are the jokes l'm gonna do
on ''Letterman .''

l have rewritten ''future wife,''
the ''lupus callback,''

and the ''cellphone.''

Now, with the cellphone bit
last night -- l'm at Gotham --

and instead of
picking up the chair,

all of a sudden l grab my --
l grab my thing

and l started going like this
and l'm talking into my --

''Oh , yeah , look at me.
l work on Wall Street.''

l'm not compromising now.

Now l'm funny 'cause l got
a shoe at my ear.

l got everything
l wanted this year,

and l've never been more
stressed and more miserable.

l'm sweating now
'cause l'm nervous.

And the insanity makes you
just want to drop everything

and say, ''You know what?
l give up. l give up.''

You know?

l haven't even talked to you
for a while.

l saw Bill Cosby. . .

- three weeks ago.
- Really?

Best comedy show
l ever saw in my life.

Really?

'Cause l took, like,
1 5 people.

We'd all seen him before.

We only knew one bit.

He did 2 1 /2 hours.

[ Laughs ]

The best shit l've --

- l feel like a fucking fraud .
- Well , he's the best.

What is this?
What am l? l'm good !

Who says l'm good?

Who says
any of us are good?

63 and embracing it. . .

Did he have
an opening act?

No.

So, he took an intermission
after, like. . .

No, he didn't take
an intermission .

2 1 /2 hours straight?

Pow. Pow.

2 1 /2 hours of killer shit.

Killer.

And it's so much more
edgy now and mean .

Ooh , you got to see it.

Wow.

Boy, l-l'll have to go.

[ Mid-tempo jazz plays ]

[ Mumbling ]

[ Sighs ]
Look at them lined up.

Look at that.
That's funny.

Hi , everybody.

[ lndistinct talking ]

- Hi . Who's waving at me?
- [ Women screaming ]

Oh , no, l don't need
screaming people.

[ lndistinct talking ]

- Hi . [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

- Come on in .
- Hi , l'm Orny Adams.

Hi , l'm Ally.

But it's gonna be good .

l'm ready.

Psoriasis. . .

Psoriasis.

They've requested that l not use
the word ''lupus''

at the last minute --
which is -- which is fine.

We're gonna make
the joke work.

l'm a --
l'm a joke craftsman now, so. . .

What do l do?
Do l pull off the show?

l mean , l don't want to go
on the show and --

and not be me.

l'm all positive --
psoriasis.

Once l learned how to say
the word ''psoriasis.''

l didn't really know
what it was.

l sort of knew it was
a skin condition ,

but l didn't know it was scaly.
l didn't know. . .

Originally l thought,

''Let's pick a disease
that only women can get'' --

like uterus cancer
or something .

But you -- you know, obviously
you can't say ''cancer.''

l open by saying ''lupus''
and close by saying ''lupus''

so what -- how do you -- how do
you dance around that? So. . .

So, l'm fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Listen , it's their show.
l'm a guest.

l'm still thrilled to be here
and , uh , it's gonna be --

you know, look at me.

lt's gonna be unbelievable,
and that's the bottom line.

Let's make the best
out of it.

Psoriasis.
Everybody -- to psoriasis.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ] l'm gonna be
on ''Dave Letterman .''

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

LETTERMAN : From the. . .

And musical director. . .

Here's who's on the program ,
ladies and gentlemen ,

just so you don't leap
on that remote control .

- [ Laughs ]
- Oh . . .

Uh , Jay Thomas.

Now, let me tell you
about Jay Thomas.

ls there a funnier man alive
than Jay Thomas?

PAUL SHAFFER:
No, sir.

And another funny man --
Orny Adams.

- Comedian .
- Orny.

Orny making his debut right here
on the ''Late Show.''

[ lndistinct talking ]

Orny Adams. . .

Backstage, please.

Let's do it.

You're going on
very shortly, okay?

You ready?
You have it all?

l'm ready.

LETTERMAN :
Ladies and gentlemen ,

here's the very funny
Orny Adams. Orny. . .

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Rock 'n' roll plays ]

This is so exciting .
l'm happy to be here.

Last year l thought
l had psoriasis.

Has that happened
to you yet?

l was on a bus
and there was an ad --

Chances are that somebody
on the bus had psoriasis.

l look around ,
and l'm the only one on the bus.

[ Laughter ]

''Looks like l better
get to the hospital --

l have psoriasis.''

l got to be honest with you .
l-l feel off.

l mean ,
l got up from dinner --

l excused myself 'cause
l couldn't even speak.

l just --
my eyes started to tear.

l don't know what it is.
l need to talk to George.

l need to know
if this is normal .

Did Jerry feel this way
when he did this?

l mean , am l having
separation anxiety?

What is it?
Why do l feel awful?

l mean , do you realize l --

l opened my first huge,
national network debut set

with a joke
l've never told before?

l've never told --
l've never said ''psoriasis.''

Until this morning , l didn't
even know what it was.

l don't want to be perfect
and be polished and be it

because that's
the beautiful thing

is when you see Jerry
and you see Roseanne

and you see these people
doing it for the first time.

They're not polished .
They're young , they're excited .

This is --
this is the greatest moment,

and you see it on their face.

And that's what l wanted this
to be like.

But l want people
to understand it.

l just want people to understand
the process --

what we have to go through
as comedians --

what it takes to get there.

l don't think people understand .

This has been --
you know, l'm 30 years old ,

and l've been working full-time
eight years at this,

not to mention l've been
daydreaming since junior high ,

when l wore my inserts
walking around ,

about this moment,
and l got there.

l did .

l used to get up
in junior high and repeat

the whole monologue from --
from Carson and Letterman .

l remember that.

And it's like, you know, l've
been waiting for this moment.

l've been waiting for it,
and -- and . . .

l guess, you know, l-l just. . .
l'm hard on myself,

but l hope everybody else isn't
as hard on me as l am on myself.

[ lndistinct conversations ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]

l'm not coming here much
anymore.

l'm done with it.

l need to go out
and work the road now.

l need to go out and do
an hour every night.

Well , you got enough .

That's. . .that's how you --
how you get it together.

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]

l really didn't think
l was at this point.

l'm still not sure of it,
actually.

But l have to see
how this holds together

and how it feels --
does it feel like an act?

l was huge!

[ Laughter ]

Bigger than life!

l could be anywhere
in the world !

[ Laughter ]

Everything -- it's all crazy.

l should be at St. Barths.
Nothing -- Nothing makes sense.

[ Laughter ]

l'm in a comedy club
in Cleveland .

But that's what's working .

[ Cheers and applause ]

l was just onstage for an hour!

You know these type of
commercials l'm talking about?

The guy just gets in the car,
turns to his wife, and goes,

''My doctor said Cramitall .''

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Music continues ]

Look at this -- ''Special event.
Comedy workshop.''

WOMAN :
Welcome to Phoenix.

[ Applause ]

You should be on here.

l'm due in 20.

SElNFELD: Okay.

Mario Joyner!

l feel like l am getting
the same laughs now

on the same merit system
that l got in 1 9 7 9,

when nobody knew who l was.

Walking -- scooter!
Scooter!

This set was great.

l mean , those two sets were
night and day for me.

- All right.
- [ Yawning ] Good night.

[ Music continues ]

Well , it's 1 1 :30 in L.A.

He goes up there
with a fucking act.

- How dare you?
- [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] l thought
we were just fucking around .

Don't worry.
lt's working .

You don't want to go after me.
You want to go before, right?

- How much time you doing?
- l'm doing a full set.

lt's all funny stuff.

There's no reason
why this should not work.

- l would like an answer. . .
- Am l doing new material?

Yeah ,
it's all new material .

So why can't l do what l do
and you do what you do?

lt's just about being together,
isn't it?

l just want to be
with you .

MAN : Please welcome the comic
stylings of Mr. Jerry Seinfeld .

[ Cheers and applause ]

l can only do -- l swear
to God -- like 1 0 minutes.

l'm hearing all this
for the first time, too.

l swear to God .
This is. . .

[ Laughter ]

This is the greatest night
in comedy

in the last 1 0 years.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know, since that
Sinbad show in the Caribbean .

[ Laughter ]

MAN : Good evening ,
ladies and gentlemen ,

and welcome to Rascals.

Tonight we're proud to present
an evening with . . .

Jerry Seinfeld !

And now, Jerry's special . . .

We're flying in from L.A. . . .

to work in West Orange,
New Jersey, huh?

Any new technology just gets
translated into a sexual form .

Home video -- sex video.

Phone -- phone sex!

lnternet -- porno website!

Copy machine --
put your ass on it!

l'll tell you --

That is a tough , tough fucking
gang they got out there.

Every comedian has
a fucking excuse --

it's the candles,
it's the smoke. . .

Get those candles out!
l gotta go on !

l make no excuse.

l just wasn't good .

Maybe we'll look into
that miserable Governor's

out in Levittown .

That's really Alabama.

Long lsland , baby.

lt's everything you hate
about yourself

you see staring
right back at you .

Everything you tried not to be

but you know, deep down ,
still are.

[ Laughter ]

- Nice, lively audience.
- Oh , good .

. . .this limo driver,
and , uh . . .

What?

Did you hear when l stopped
at one point

and how many people
are talking?

[ lndistinct conversations ]

How well
do you have to do

before someone's gonna
fucking listen up?

You know, how big
do you fucking have to be?

What kind of material
do you have to have

that you're gonna
pay attention?

Shut up.

[ Laughter and applause ]

You are in the way.

Well , that was classic!

Clas-sic.

You looked so smooth
and in control .

lt didn't look like it was
bothering you at all .

No, it didn't.

That was like. . .
monkeys throwing shit.

[ Laughter ]

Your stuff is great.
lt's really strong .

lt's really good .
Yeah , yeah .

l mean , it's --
it's a smooth transition .

l was saying how watching you --
like, l remember

what it means to have
that polish that l don't have.

You have it.
l think you don't realize it.

You know, the only thing
you do now that l see

is the pause is. . .
two seconds longer

as you move
to the next piece.

l was picking stuff tonight.
l wasn't sure what to do.

Yeah , yeah . l know.

But, l mean , to the audience,
it comes across

as a thoughtful pause
as opposed to comics --

you know, knowing , ''Oh , he's --''
[ lmitates tape rewinding ]

lt's amazing how long it takes
to get those out, how --

you know, l mean , some of
this stuff l'm doing six months,

but even that's like. . .

You know how it is.
lt takes you years.

lt takes years. lt's amazing .
lsn't it weird?

l could never do what you did .
l could never give it away.

'Cause you always have it
in the back --

You know, you always think
of your act as like. . .

lf you're a comic,
your act feeds you . . .

it pays the rent. . .

- Yeah , but not at this point.
- lt's like my exercise.

l walk two miles on--
but, see, l've never touched

a dime of my
''Tonight Show'' money.

l live on the money l make
as a comedian .

- What are you gonna do with it?
- l don't know.

You don't know?
Think about it.

lt keeps you centered .

Like if l get fired tomorrow,
l'm a comic.

lf you're a custodian -- if you
wind up as a custodian --

you're still living
with this fear

that you're gonna wind up
working as a garbageman .

Remember?

l know. He claims it.
He -- l swear.

But that's what keeps you going .

No, it doesn't!

lt's idiotic!
Stop it already.

l remember one time you had
a meeting in some office,

and you were talking to the
security guard for some reason

while you were waiting for the
elevator, and you're telling me,

''You know, this guy,
he was Jackie Kay back in --''

Oh , l remember that guy.
You know who that was.

lt was a guy that had
two series.

SElNFELD: You believe
that this is going to happen .

You don't really believe it,
but it just keeps you . . .

The only thing
that keeps you going is like --

to me, it's like,
l watch you do that great story

with your parents and the vCR --
that keeps me going .

l would love to have a story
that long .

Well , l enjoy doing the act
more than l enjoy doing any--

For example,
you said to me,

''You can have all the money
that you would make

and not do the act,
or do the act.''

l'd do the act.

You like telling people a joke
that they haven't heard .

Yeah . l mean ,
it's fun telling jokes.

We used to talk about how it's
more fun than anything else.

So that's why you run around
and do the act all the time

when you're not doing
the show.

Yeah . lf you don't do it,
you don't have it.

What is this helmet with the --

that is very popular now
with the motorcycle riders?

You know the helmet l mean --

the slight flaring
around the back.

What the hell is going on here?

You know the helmet.

lt's not a full Nazi ,
but it's a slightly Nazi .

What is this shopping moment?

Can you explain to me
how this happens?

You walk into
a motorcycle store,

the man says, ''May l help you?''

''Yes. l need
a motorcycle helmet.''

''Well , we have
these regular ones over here.''

''No. Not for me.''

[ Laughter ]

''Well , let me ask you this,
sir --

How do you feel
about the Nazis?''

[ Laughter ]

''Well , to tell you the truth ,
l kind of had a problem

with the, uh , genocide, hatred ,
racism , and murder.''

''What about the helmets?''

''They weren't bad .

l didn't mind the helmet.''

[ Laughter ]

''l didn't like Hitler, but
l don't think l had a problem

''with the apparel itself.

Yeah , l'll buy that.''

[ Laughter ]

l'm supposed to get the, uh ,
colonoscopy test.

When you get into your forties,
l think -- l've heard --

from health-care professionals
that you --

lt's very important to get
the camera up your ass.

l have resisted this. . .

because l feel the press has
invaded my life enough .

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

l feel that l will draw
the line here. . .

and say no to the pooparazzi .

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you very much .

[ Cheers and applause ]

lncredible. Jerry. . .

You -- You got it.

- lt's looking good , huh?
- Oh , fantastic.

- Wasn't that amazing?
- lt was wall-to-wall laughs.

- Yeah .
- lt was sensational .

- lt's really looking good .
- l'm -- l'm thrilled .

[ Horn honks ]

l was thinking of doing
the ''Letterman'' spot --

a stand-up spot
on ''Letterman .''

l always kind of, uh ,
want to not do the typical --

Okay, someone's doing something ,
they go on Tv --

''Here l am ,
and here it is.

Here's the thing
that l'm doing .''

lt's interesting as can be,

because that's what comedians --
that's what we used to do.

You remember when Johnny didn't
call you over?

- Yeah . Yes.
- Were you upset?

l was upset once, when it was
like my third or fourth time,

and Johnny still didn't --

No, you got called over
very quickly, l remember.

No.
lt was the seventh time.

- Really?
- Yeah . l never forget.

Well , whatever it was,
it was sooner than me.

- No?
- Yeah . Definitely.

That would make me feel good ,
to be frank,

but l don't think
that's true.

l do.
l know it's true.

l've never wanted
a man's approval before then --

before Johnny.

[ Mid-tempo jazz plays
''My Favorite Things'' ]

[ Music continues ]

Yeah , it's a different show,

but it's the same theater,
same stage.

lt's incredible that l can
walk out on that same stage

and do what these guys did .

l was talking about you
the other night.

Chris Rock was here
talking to a friend of mine.

But l said , ''The last
fucking funny comedian

that l ever heard
was Seinfeld .''

[ Laughs ] Thank you .

- How you doing?
- Good .

- Good .
- Nice to meet you .

All right.

[ Music continues ]

[ Music continues ]

MAN : How you doing?

Hi .

Yeah , but l'm really
looking forward to this.

lt really has
thrown me back to. . .

1 982 .

Work a nice set,
buy a new suit, you know.

[ Both laugh ]

- Welcome back.
- Oh , good .

- We are so excited .
- So am l .

[ Laughter ]

[ lndistinct conversations ]

[ Horn playing ]

You're going to be
right here.

[ Up-tempo instrumental music
plays ]

[ Music stops ]

Fresh batteries?

[ Laughing ]
Yeah . Yes.

" What do you want
when you gotta have somethin' "

" And it's gotta be sweet
and it's gotta be a lot "

" And you've only got a dime? "

" Candy-coated pop-- "

MAN ON lNTERCOM: . . .minute
warning . CBS orchestra -- four.

" Peanuts and a prize "

" That's what you get
from Cracker Jack "

LETTERMAN :
Ladies and gentlemen ,

we'll be right back here
with Jerry Seinfeld .

[ Cheers and applause ]

- What do you want us to do?
- Oh , whatever you want.

You'd probably see it
just as well here.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

Sweet.

- Daddy, good luck!
- Wish me luck, sweet.

Bye, Daddy!

[ Laughs ]

LETTERMAN : Our first guest
has finally bounced back

from the cancellation
of his Tv show, ''Seinfeld .''

Ladies and gentlemen ,
here he is --

the one and only
Jerry Seinfeld .

MAN : Good luck.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Up-tempo instrumental music
plays ]

Thank you .

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much .

Thank you .

[ Applause continues ]

Thank you .
l appreciate that.

l totally appreciate
what you're saying .

[ Laughter ]

l do,
but the question is this --

What have l been doing?

[ Laughter ]

Everybody says to me, ''Hey,
you don't do the show anymore.

What do you do?''

l'll tell you what l do.

Nothing .

[ Laughter and applause ]

Yeah , l know
what you're thinking --

''That sounds pretty good .''

You're thinking , ''l might like
to do nothing myself.''

Well , let me tell you --

doing nothing is not as easy
as it looks.

You have to be careful ,

because the idea of doing
anything ,

which could easily lead to
doing something . . .

that would cut into
your nothing . . .

and that would force me
to have to drop everything .

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you .

very funny.

- lt's great.
- Thank you .

- Nicely done.
- Thank you .

lt felt like my first
''Tonight Show.''

Oh , really? That must have been
pretty great.

ln that l came off stage

and l have really no idea
what happened .

Really?

Did l seem normal
and comfortable?

- Yeah .
- Oh , yeah .

How strange that life comes
to full circle like that.

SElNFELD ON TELEvlSlON :
We're still looking for ways

to put more cheese
into a piece of pizza?

[ Laughter ]

The whole goddamn thing
is cheese anyway,

but now somebody figured out,

''We will injection-mold
the crust with cheese

''so you have a log of cheese

surrounding the pool of cheese
in the middle!''

[ Laughter and applause ]

Pizza Hut has developed
something new now.

They will actually bake your
head into a block of cheese. . .

and you just attempt to eat
your way out

and regain the use
of your five senses.

l just did things
that l wouldn't normally do --

little line --
little words that. . .

You know,
l just totally focused

on the little, tiny mistakes
that l made.

l got 30 phone calls, though ,
which is, like,

l think the most l ever had
in my life for anything .

With my HBO special ,

which was a hundred times
more difficult to do,

l got three calls.

[ Laughter ]

l don't know.
l guess it's just my nature.

l just. . .
lt's just never good enough .

[ lntro to The Band's ''When
l Paint My Masterpiece'' plays ]

" Oh , the streets of Rome. . . "

l am so excited
about this today.

Boy, is this exciting .

" Ancient footprints. . . "

- WOMAN : Pull straight ahead .
- Thank you .

l used to sit in my room at --
let's see.

How old --
l was 1 0 years old --

playing his albums
and just crying and laughing

and just in wonderment
at what he was doing and just. . .

that l had never heard somebody
be so funny before.

Say hello.
This is Gladys Rodgers.

- Just say hello.
- Hello. Gladys?

- Okay. That's enough .
- [ Laughs ]

l still have all those albums.

And it's just --

You can't believe
that life could be long enough

that you could ever even know
this person .

Do you normally do
two shows?

- Yes.
- Really?

Yeah ,
because of the theater.

- This is a small size for you?
- l would rather do --

l don't know what this is.

lt's 26, 2 7.

l'd rather do two of these
than one in an eight-seater,

- You know what l mean?
- Yeah .

This is a comfortable size.

l feel l can put
a little bit of this. . .

l can stop, l can go over here,
l can veer back,

l can come around the side.

This is normal for you --
a 2 :00 and an 8:00?

- Sure, sure, sure.
- Really?

- Wow.
- Sure.

l love it.

Do you?

l . . .l just. . .love it.

That is a physical effort --

to do two of those shows
in one day.

That is quite
a physical effort.

Two hours and twenty minutes.
Jesus Christ.

lsn't it fun . . .

that you have taken . . .

what is comedy
and what is you , and . . .

now you -- you have
a body of work that, um . . .

l mean , you can go
to any bar,

you can be like 7 0 years old ,
you know,

and you can stand
beside Bill Russell . . .

[ Laughs ]

- Muhammad Ali . . .
- [ Laughs ]

Willie Mays, Joe Louis. . .

and when those guys
are saying ,

''you know, l played the shit
out of my game,''

you say, ''You know,
l knocked the shit out of. . .

- [ Laughs ]
- You know what l mean?

l . . .l think
it's one of the great moments

of. . .of being a performer

when you can say,

''You know,
l took what l had . . .

and l knocked it out
of the park.''

And that's
what you've done.

lt is one of the greatest
thrills of my career

that l even know you .

Thank you .

l've already done something ,
and he reminded me of that,

and now, this -- l really just
want to do what l love to do,

and l want to go
where he's gone, you know?

l want to be able to explore
this thing

and maybe find some --
that's what l keep thinking --

that maybe there's
something else out there.

Ah !

lt's worth trying .
lt's worth exploring .

l just feel like l can go
somewhere with it.

l don't know where.

[ lntroduction to Steely Dan's
''Deacon Blues'' plays ]

" This is the day
of the expanding man "

" That shape is my shade
there where l used to stand "

How could you possibly make
all these people laugh?

Oh , God damn it,
l hate the pressure.

Oh , please.

" l gaze through the glass "

" At ramblers, wild gamblers "

" That's all in the past "

" You call me a fool "

" You say it's a crazy scheme "

" This one's for real . . . "

[ Applause ]

House lights.

[ Laughs ]

" Throw a kiss
and say goodbye "

" l'll make it this time "

[ Cheers and applause ]

All l gotta do is get
that mike out clean , don't l?

That's all l gotta do. . .

and l'm back in show business.

" . . .just what l feel "

" Drink Scotch whisky
all night long "

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right. Here we go.

" l want a name when l lose "

[ Cheers and applause ]

" Call me Deacon Blues "

Thank you .

[ Cheers fade ]

" A stick, a stone "

" lt's the end of the road "

" lt's feeling alone "

" lt's the weight
of your load "

" lt's a sliver of glass "

" lt's life, it's the sun "

" lt's night, it's death "

" lt's a knife, it's a gun "

" A flower that blooms,
a fox in the brush "

" A knot in the wood ,
the song of a thrush "

" The mystery of life,
the steps in the hall "

" The sound of the wind
and the waterfall "

" lt's the moon floating free "

" lt's the curve of the slope "

" lt's an ant, it's a bee "

" lt's a reason for hope "

" And the riverbank sings
of the waters of March "

" lt's the promise of spring ,
it's the joy in your heart "

[ lnstrumental solos ]

[ Singing in ltalian ]

" A spear, a spike, a stake,
a nail "

" lt's a drip, it's a drop "

" lt's the end of the tale "

" The dew on the leaf
in the morning light "

" The shot of a gun
in the dead of the night "

" A mile, a must, a thrust,
a bump "

" lt's the will to survive "

" lt's a jolt, it's a jump "

" The blueprint of a house "

" A body in bed "

" A car stuck in the mud "

" lt's the mud , it's the mud "

" A fish , a flash , a wish ,
a wing "

" lt's a hawk, it's a dove "

" lt's the promise of spring "

" And the riverbank sings
of the waters of March "

" lt's the end of despair,
it's the joy in your heart "

[ lnstrumental solos ]

[ Singing in ltalian ]

" A stick, a stone "

" lt's the end of the road "

" The stump of a tree. . . "

[ lndistinct conversations ]

Funny guy.

He had one of my favorite jokes
of all time --

How can you trust a jury?

A jury is made up
of 1 2 people

too stupid to get out
of jury duty.

Oh , Colin .

That's old , man .
Really old .

lt's old now, but maybe
he's the one that wrote it.

No.

How old is it?

The '50s.