Come September (1961) - full transcript

Upon completion of the factory,

we will then assume dual responsibilities.

Quando la fabbrica sera ultimata,

ci sera duplice responsabilita.

Uh... the capitalization will be shared equally.

They'll put up half and I'll put up half.

La capitalizzazione sera divise en parte uguale.

Voi mettere la meta lui l'altra meta.

Needless to say, I have the greatest personal interest in this project.

And I'm looking forward to its earliest consummation.

Inutile di dire che Mr. Talbot ha un grandissimo--



Mr. Talbot, your call to Rome. Ah!

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Lisa!

Hmm?
E lui! E qui!

- E chi e qui?
- Talbot.

E qui?

No, a Milano. Al telefono.

Speak English. I don't want her to hear.

What's he doing here in July?

He never comes till September.

I don't know, but he's here.

I will tell him the maid was wrong, and you're not home.

No, I'll talk to him. But Lisa, I tell you from my own experience.

An old love is like an empty bottle of champagne.



You don't refill it. You get a new bottle.

He has a right to know I'm getting married.

A man comes here once a year,
stays a month and you never see him for the rest of the year.

He has no rights! Send him a letter.

That's more than most husbands get.

Oh, me scusi. Ritorno subito.

Lisa!

English! English! I don't want them to hear.

You have wasted enough time on that man.

Where's the telephone? I put him in the dish.

Don't let him out. While he's in there, you're safe.

I am safe whether he is in or out!
Ho-hmm.

I will simply tell him the truth.

He went away, I met another man.

He asked me to marry him and I've accepted.
Da vero?

Uh-hmm.
Va bene.

Hello.

Lisa, it's wonderful to hear your voice again.

I was just going to write you a letter. There's no need to. I'm here.

Then I'll tell you on the phone.

Robert, I-- Ah-ah-ah.
Say it again.

What?
My name!

Robert.
Once more.

Robert.

If you only knew how often I've thought about you,
how much I've looked forward to seeing you.

Please. Please listen to me.

There's nothing I'd rather do than listen to you.
I couldn't even wait till September.

I rearranged my entire schedule to be here early... just to be with you.

Did you?
Mm-hmm.

Did you miss me?
Yes.

Well, tell me.

I missed you.
Oh, Lisa.

Lisa. My sweet, sweet Lisa.

Yes, Roberto.

Now, listen carefully. Whatever you're doing,

drop it, it's not important. It's not important.

Pack your bags. You can catch the 1:20.

Pack my bags. Catch the 1:20.

And meet me at the villa.
At your villa.

Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, sweetheart.

I couldn't help it.
Hai Vista, no?

English. I don't want them to know what a fool you are.

Anna, please! I tried to tell him.

I tried very hard. Oh, you heard me!

What were you going to tell him? That is not the man for me.

He's always had everything his own way.

He's arranged his life for his comfort,
not mine. And I don't intend to live like that.

Why didn't you tell him?
And spoil everything?

Eleven months of the year you are intelligent.

A good businesswoman. Successful.

Then he comes here, and you haven't got a brain in your head.

Anna, do you know what it means to be happy?

Yes, of course. But I mean, really happy.

But that kind of happy only gets you in trouble.

Guai! Guai! Ma che guai?

Lisa!

Listen to me.

Spencer, I've thought about it, and I've made up my mind.

I can't hurt you. It wouldn't be fair of me to marry you.

But, darling, don't you realize? Everything's arranged.

My sisters have come all the way from London for this wedding.

They're coming here to meet you now. What am I going to tell them?

Tell them it's best for both of us. They'll understand.

Believe me, Lisa, I know just what you're suffering from.

Premarital nerves.

I'm extremely nervous myself. Yes.

And I've had some problems. Those sisters of mine.

I had the deuce of a job persuading them
that it was the accepted thing nowadays...

for an Englishman to marry a foreigner.

Here in Italy I'm not the foreigner.

You and your sisters are the foreigners.
Oh, yes, of course.

I realize that, but I wouldn't mention it to them. They're charming girls.

I'm sure you'll like them when you meet them.
I'd rather not.

Oh Lisa, please.
It wouldn't work.

I could never be happy living in England.
Oh, you will. Really, you will.

I mean England's not a bad place. It's a bit like a cold shower at first,

but once you get used to it, you'll feel all the better for it.
I don't like cold showers.

Well, look darling, I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll compromise. Six months here and six months there.

What about that, eh?
Oh, no! I can't live like a gypsy.

Believe me, Spencer, I'm doing this for your own good.

Someday you'll meet a girl who will enjoy
going into that cold shower with you.

Spencer!
Wait, darling. Here are my sisters now.

Lisa, my sisters Katherine and Claire.
Hello.

Good-bye.

Via bellagio,
quaranta-sei.

Rather an attractive girl, but not too friendly.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut!

Mm-hmm. Sure don't see many like that.

Mm-hmm.
I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut!

Mm-hmm. Sure don't see many like that.

Mm-hmm.
I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

Gee, mister, she's a beaut! Sure don't see many like that.

I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

See you later!

Whee! Look out!

Gee, you guys. She's a beaut.

You don't see many like that.

Yes, sirree.

I'll bet she's the fastest thing on the road.

How are you, Dino?

Hotel La Dolce Vista.

Cosa?

Talbot?

Grazie.

Teresa! Milena! Maria! Presto!

Now listen carefully. Mr. Talbot will be here any minute.

Madonna Mia.
He'll find out. We are lost.

God helps those who help themselves.
Quick, upstairs. The bedroom doors.

And you, the bathrooms. Hide Cedric.
Ah!

Hurry up.
Cedric.

Teresa! Apri, apri, apri!

Arriva el Signor Talbot.

Maurice.
Mr. Talbot! What an unexpected pleasure.

How are you?
A bit surprised.

Huh?
To see you in July. You never come until September.

I wish I'd known you were arriving. Didn't you get my telegram?

Telegram?
No, sir. I sent one.

Get in.
Yes, sir.

Isn't that a new color?
I beg your pardon?

I said, isn't that a new color?

Houses are like women. The older they get, the more paint they need.

How's everything been?
Very quiet.

Like turtles, we withdraw into our shells until you return.

What's that?

Sir?

This bougainvillea. Wasn't here last year, was it?

Oh, I've done-- I've done a bit of landscaping.

I-I-If you're displeased--
Displeased?

Ha! With what you've done with this place?

Maurice, you're more than a majordomo. You're a trusted friend.

I hope you'll continue to think that, sir.

Signor Clavell, telegrama.

Oh.
Wait a minute. I'll get it.

Thank you.
Grazie.

Mm-hmm. It's from me. I'm arriving today.

That's part of the charm of Italy.

It's the only country where a man can send a telegram
and be reasonably certain he'll be there to receive it.

You know I never realize how much I miss this place till I come back to it.

It's more than a villa.

It's a refuge... where a man can, uh,

lock out the rest of the world.

Will Miss, uh--
Yes, she'll be here.

A man doesn't lock the whole world out.

Hello, Maria.

Why is she praying?

A friend of hers, a very fine chap,

he's passing through a severe crisis.
Well, I hope he makes it.

No more than I do. I'll take your rooms to your bag.

La Dolce Vista?

Hmph. Must be a new one.

Hello.
Did you just get here?

Yes.
You'll like it.

What's that?
Girls.

I know they're girls. What are they doing here?

If you could have seen them. Students on tour in a strange land.

Their tiny bus disabled.

They'll be gone in the morning.

They're staying here tonight?

I probably should have turned them away,
but the quality of mercy is not strained.

It's being strained right now. Why didn't you send them to a hotel?

There isn't a vacancy in town.

But if you insist, I'll just tell them... they have to leave.

Well, they have to go somewhere.

What about this new place? This La Dolce Vista?

Full up, sir.

Well, they can't stay here.

Now check around and find something.
Yes, sir.

Maurice!

Oh, we had a splendid hike. Quite exhilarating.

This is Miss Allison, Miss Stevens. Mr. Talbot.
How do you do?

How do you do?

Hi.
Miss Allison is the girls' chaperone.

Oh! Where's Cedric?
I had him carried up to your bedroom.

Oh, splendid!

- Uh... who's Cedric?
- Miss Allison's parakeet.

This is such a lovely place. And the view from the terrace!

Quite breathtaking.

Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Maurice, make the ladies comfortable.

Well, really! He acts as though he owns the place.

I was hoping he'd be better this year.
What's wrong with him?

This is a story I wish I didn't have to tell.

Years ago his family owned this place.

There were financial reverses. They lost it.

That's when you bought it.
Yes.

Then the war came along.

He was standing sentry duty at an ammunition dump.

Blew up.
Really?

Left him slightly shell-shocked.

You wouldn't know it to look at him.
No.

It's like looking at a magnificent castle with a weak tower.

Isn't it dangerous having him roaming around?

No, no, no. He's absolutely harmless...

except for one small mental quirk.
Yes?

He thinks he still owns the place.

I let him come every year to stay a while. It seems to calm his nerves.

In case he should say something unusual, play along with him.
Oh, yes.

What an interesting case history!

Has he any money? Only his government pension.

Naturally, I do what I can.
Oh, Maurice!

I think that's why I'm so fond of you.

You're always thinking of others.

I really think a psychiatrist would help him.

Undoubtedly. But it's none of your affair.

Sandy's a major in psychology.

She's quite a fanatic on the subject. The dear child.

Maurice?
Yes, sir?

Have these shined, will you?
Yes, sir.

- Draw my bath. Lay out my clothes.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Analysis would help him!

Or a good talking-to!

He may be shell-shocked, but he's not helpless.

The idea! Treating you as if you were his servant.

Uh, hello.

Hello.

Uh, Mr. Talbot?
Mmm?

Uh... have you owned this place very long?

Quite some time.

You must be very proud of it.

Yes, I am. Unfortunately...

since the war, I've only been able to come here once a year.

Oh. It must've been a terrible war.

They usually are.

Yes, well--
I'd like to talk to you about it sometime.

About what?
The war.

The war?

Yes. I have a feeling I can help.

I doubt it.

It's over.

What are you doing here?
You told me to lay out your clothes.

All right, never mind, I'll do it.
Get on the phone and find a place for those women.

Yes, sir.

Come in.

Mr. Talbot?
Yes?

I was wondering if we could have our little talk now.
I'm very sorry--

Oh please, it's terribly important.
Why don't you sit down?

No, no. Not there. On the couch.

What do you mean, on the--

Now, now try and relax. Lie down.

Lie down?
Well, it's for your own good.

There.

Really, Mr. Talbot, you must try and relax.

Now, where would you like to begin?

I... really don't know.

Where would you suggest?

Well, let's start with... the war.

That war really... bothers you, doesn't it?

You were in the army.

I thought I was in the navy.

No. You were in the army,

standing sentry duty...

at an ammunition dump...

that... blew up.

Do you remember that?

All I remember is being officer in a P.T. boat.

Don't you see?
That's your subconscious...

substituting fantasy for fact.
Now look, young lady--

That's why you still think you own this place.

Don't I?

No. Really, Mr. Talbot, you must face reality.

Your family lost this house.

Mr. Clavell bought it, turned it into a hotel.

A hotel?

Mm-hmm.

La Dolce Vista?

That's right.

People pay him to stay here?

Yes.

It's a hotel!

Right! Mr. Talbot, you don't know how happy you've made me.

I knew if I could just talk to you, I could help you.
Oh, you have.

Suddenly all the pieces have fallen into place.

Mr. Clavell will be so thrilled to hear you've recovered.
Mmm.

I'll go tell him.
No, no, no, no.

Let me tell him.

Hmm.

You can tell Maria to stop praying.

Her friend didn't survive the crisis.

Excuse me. I have some duties.

A majordomo's day is never done. Yours is.

Don't think of yourself as a majordomo.

More like a sentry at an ammunition dump...

that's about to blow up.

Your room or mine?
Yours.

This way.
Oh.

You're a thief.
Yes, sir.

And a liar. Completely untrustworthy.
Yes, sir.

A thief and a liar, yes. But not untrustworthy.

I really don't think this is the proper time to talk the matter out.

Not while your mind is bristling with negative thoughts towards me.

I haven't even begun to bristle!

Turning my house into a hotel! How easy for you to say "my house,"

yet you're never here.
What has that got to do with it?

When her windows are stuck, do you care?

No. You're in New York. I, Maurice, have to unstick them.

On a cold night when her radiators knock, are you here?

No. I have to warm them up.

And when her plumbing goes out, who's there to unclog her?
Maurice.

You're like a husband who's only with his wife one month a year.

It's the man who lives with her the rest
of the year who deserves all the credit.

Let's just say I don't care for what you've turned my wife into!

And what have I done with the profits?
That's a good question.

Painted her. Put in a new garden wall, a fountain, a patio.

I've even replenished the wine cellar. Not to mention your wallet!

Oh!

Any personal gain was of secondary importance.

Your smile of appreciation when you came here every year,

that was my real... my real reward.

You will tell your guests to find themselves another hotel.

As for you and your accomplices, pack your bags and be out
of here in the morning.

Sir?
I wish you'd sleep on that decision.

By tomorrow, we'll probably both be laughing about this entire matter.

We might both be laughing, but not in the same house.

Sir, may I please ask one last favor?

Margaret, the girls' chaperone,
she's been coming through with tours for some time.

We've become rather close. We've even made plans for the future.

She thinks I'm the owner.

Will you please let me explain it to her in my own way?

All right, but I have the feeling I'm not doing Margaret any favor.

Thank you, sir. I'll talk to her right away.

We should be leaving in half an hour to meet Miss Fellini at the station.

I'll pick her up myself.
Please, sir.

As long as I'm here, I would like to attend to my duties.

Just for my own information,

how long has this been a hotel?

Six years.

It was a fine hote, sir, one with a triple "A" rating.

Conrad Hilton would have been proud to own it.

I'm surprised you didn't sell it to him.

The deed is in your name.

E piacere rivederla, signorina. Grazie, Maurice.

What did he say?
That it was nice to see me.

Oh.

Le trovo bene, Maurice.
Lisa, please.

Don't pat the servants.
Maurice? He's more than a servant.

Yes. I found that out today! Keep your eyes on the road.

Robert, you're terribly sharp with Maurice.

What's wrong?

How would you feel if you found out Brutus...

was your majordomo, Lucrezia Borgia your cook...

and Benedict Arnold your upstairs maid?
Cosi ai combinato?

Questa villa resta vuota undici mese al'anno.

Alora mi son detto, "Che peccato.

Perche non hai pensato convertirlo in un albergo."

A hotel! Mmm.
Filled with tourists.

Look. He even advertises.

Don't laugh. You're only encouraging him.

Ci sono una povera vecchia con sei Bambini indifesi...

e lui le butta fuori nella strada!

E vero?
E vero.

I can't believe it.
Believe what?

That you could be so cruel to throw out into the street...

an old woman and six helpless children.

They're not children. They're--

What?
Not children!

Si deve solo gli lasciare qui ancora una notte. Se ne vanno nella mattina.

Why can't they stay one night?

They are leaving in the morning.

I don't want anybody there tonight. Do you?

Roberto, what can one night hurt?

A raggione. Che importa-- You keep out of this!
- Yes, sir.

And don't you listen to him. I've never seen you like this before.

You're upset.
Well, of course I'm upset.

It's been ten months since we've seen each other.
Whose fault is that?

Mi fa male quindi di discordare.

Isn't he sweet? He said it upsets him to hear us argue.

There's nothing to argue about. He's already told 'em to leave.

You did tell your friend, uh, Margaret, didn't you?

Come pottevo. Stava faciento il bagno. Non siamo poi cosi tanto amici.

Don't talk to her. Talk to me!

What's the big joke?
He said, how could he tell her?

She was taking a bath, and they're not that friendly.

I don't think that's funny.

Mi preoccupa. Aperso tutto e suo spirito.

He said he's worried about you. You've lost your sense of humor.

Mm-hmm.
I'll get it back when he leaves.

I don't think you should go in with me.

Why not?

The hotel guests.

How will it look if we come in together?

All right.

I'll park the car and come in through the servants' entrance.

I wouldn't want you to lose your triple "A" rating.

Miss Allison, Signorina Fellini.

Buon giorno. Good afternoon.

Who's she?
A schoolteacher.

She doesn't look like a schoolteacher.

Margaret, if beauty symbolized occupation,

one might mistake you for a former star of the cinema.
Oh, Maurice!

Robert.

Oh... not now.
Why not?

She's taking a shower.
Who is?

Sandy.
Who's Sandy?

The girl I'm rooming with.

You're rooming with someone?
Mm-hmm.

I'll kill that Maurice!
Wait! It's not his fault.

It's not?
If he moved everyone around...

so I could be alone in the room next to yours, how would it look?

You better leave.

We'll have dinner on my terrace.

There isn't enough room for nine people.
What nine people?

They'll suspect something if we don't eat with them.

Hurry. She might see you.
Oh.

Be careful!

What am I sneaking around for? It's my...
Shh!

House.

You'd better wait.

Miss Allison hasn't made her bed check yet, and she's already suspicious.

Oh.
Of what?

You and Mr. Talbot.

What about us?

Don't get me wrong.

I think it's terribly exciting. All the girls do.

Two people in love, being in a romantic place like this.

It's about the dreamiest thing I've ever heard of!

I'm going downstairs to get some warm milk.

Warm milk?

He looks more like the champagne type to me.

Good night, girls! Lights out now.

Uh, I was just going downstairs...

to get some warm milk.

I got the warm milk.

Sandy?
Yes, ma'am.

Lights out now.

Good night, girls.

Good night.
Good night.

She'll be asleep in ten minutes.

So will I.

But he's waiting for you. I can hear the music.

I really don't know where a girl your age gets ideas like that.

I have no intention of going to Mr. Talbot's room.

I'm going-- Yes, I'm going to finish my milk...

and go to sleep.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Good morning.

Morning?
Mm-hmm.

What happened to last night?

Everybody looked suspicious, and Sandy knew about us.

I couldn't leave. It would've been too obvious.

Sandy seems to know about everything.

Now I know what she's doing in Europe.

Her neighbors decided to chip in and send her.

Mmm.

What's that?
They are getting ready to leave.

Oh. Good.

I promised to come down and say good-bye.
Send 'em a letter.

It'll only take a minute.
No, Lisa.

Come on.
You should come down and say good-bye too.

I'll wave to 'em from the terrace.

Teenagers are like the H-bomb.

When they go off, it's much better to observe them from a distance.

Bye, Mr. Talbot.

Good-bye!
Good-bye, Mr. Talbot.

Good-bye, Mr. Talbot.

Good morning, sir.
Your orange juice.

Not orange juice, Maurice. Champagne.

This is a special occasion.

The hotel is closing.

You're packing.

And the guests are leaving.

How often does a man get rid of all his troubles at the same time?

What's the matter?

I don't understand, Miss Allison.

What are you doing in traction?

Slipped on a champagne cork?

It was an accident.

I sprung my sacroiliac.
Hmm?

No. I've had this happen before.

Don't worry. I'll be absolutely splendid by the morning.

The girls can't go without her.

You'll have to let them stay over till tomorrow.

You wouldn't think a cork this small...

could lay out a woman that big.

Now, Maria, move Miss Fellini's luggage into Miss Allison's room.

Yes, sir.
Teresa and--

Milena, sir. Start making sandwiches. Lots of them.

Mr. Clavell will need all of his strength.

Where am I going? On a long hike... with the girls.

You're going to show them Italy... all of it.

And if you run out of Italy, show them Sicily.

That oughta take you all day.

And a good part of the night, sir.

I'm glad we understand each other.

It's a shame the girls have no place to go today.

They do. They're going on a long hike.

Shouldn't we offer to go with them?

Maurice already volunteered. Do you want to go?

Uh-uh.

Hiking could never replace this.

Robert.

One, two, three, four. Ready, set. Signals on.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

Hey! What's going on here?

Observe.

Hey, look. It's Barney Oldfield.

Catch, Beagle.
Hey, two, three, four. Hey, two, three--

What are you doing here?

This is the Hotel Dolce Vista, right?
Not anymore.

We've got reservations.
They're cancelled.

Hold this. I've got written confirmation from the manager.

He's been cancelled too.
Sorry.

All right, out!
Wait a minute. Hold it.

Hey Beagle, you're gonna be a lawyer, right?

Can he do this to us?
In 1937...

there was the case of Wilson versus the Waldorf Astoria.

And?
He can do it to us.

Good day, gentlemen.
Yeah.

Let's go.

Beagle, gimme a coin.

Hey!

That's for parkin' in your driveway.

You know, first we end up in a stream, then we get tossed out
of a hotel.

Maybe this country's unlucky for us.
We could be in France in a few hours.

All right, all those in favor of leaving Italy say "Aye."
Aye!

All those in favor of staying in Italy say "Aye."

Aye! Aye!

They're backin' up. Don't look around.

Which one did you like?
I really didn't notice.

The driver was cute. He had nice blue eyes.

They're brown, and keep away from him.

Uh... ahem, ahem.

Buon giorno. Buon giorno.

This one is mine, huh?
Tell 'em we want to be friends.

Wait a minute.
Relax. Let me handle it and we'll all make out.

Where do you live?

Saus-a-lito.

And where is that near?

San Fran-cis-co.

I am very stu-pid, but I'm loads of fun.

Hi.

We're from Connecticut. Where're you girls staying?

Hotel La Dolce Vista.

Isn't that a coincidence, eh?
We're staying right outside the gate.

But there's nothing there.

Give us twenty minutes, will ya? See ya.

Call the police. I want them picked up for trespassing.

Unfortunately, sir, it's not your property.

Mmm.
They're like spiders.

And they've got the flies helping them put up their web!

Why aren't those flies out hiking?

They insisted on going there to help out.

The moment I saw you, I just seemed to come out of my shell.

Yes, but I think we ought to go help the others, Tony.

Say that again.
What?

My name.
Tony.

Once more.

Tony.

There's something about that boy I don't trust.

I don't care how you do it. I want you--

Ciao!

What's she doing down there?

Good-bye. I'll see you later.

Ciao, ciao.

What were you doing down there?

Darling, you're going to be so proud of me. I've arranged everything.

Like what?

Like what?

Well, first the boys will need some kerosene.

Why? What are they planning to burn? It's for their stove.

Really, they're very nice American boys. So was the Dalton gang.

The boys are very hurt.
They think you don't like them. The boys are right.

They're college students on their first vacation in Europe.

Go make friends with them.
I don't want to make friends with them!

I don't understand you. They're very sweet. Sweet.

Yes!
Yes.

Do you know what the boys are going to do with the girls this afternoon?
No.

What are the boys going to do with the girls this afternoon?

Well, I thought, those poor girls have nothing to do.
Those nice boys have nothing to do.

Maybe they could use the sun terrace.
But I thought, no, Robert wouldn't like that.

No, Robert wouldn't like that.

Then I said to myself, "Wouldn't it be nice...

if they all rented motor scooters and went for a ride in the country?"

That's what you said to yourself.
Yes!

Did you say it to them? Oh yes. And the boys said...

it sounded like it would be a lot of fun. That sounds like the boys.

- Mr. Clavell?
- Sir?

You are to go with them,
and you are not to let those girls out of your sight.

Sir, I can't ride a motor scooter.
Then learn.

I have no sense of balance.

I was the only child that ever had to be strapped to his tricycle.

Well, I don't intend to let them go out alone. Lisa, please!
Robert!

I don't know how I let myself get talked into all of this,
but I'm in it.

It's not his hotel. It's my home.

I am legally responsible. I fully expect your friend, uh--

Margaret, to sue me the minute she gets out.

No, she wouldn't. If I can be sued for a sprung sacroiliac,

I can go to jail for what can happen to those girls.
What can happen to them?

There are four boys and six girls.

That adds up to ten, and there's safety in numbers.

There's more to mathematics than adding.

Those boys look capable of dividing and multiplying.

Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

They purposely took this road.

They're trying to shake us. I don't know about you,

but I'm pretty well shook.

All right, it's my fault. I said I'm sorry.

You'd be more comfortable if you put your head against me.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What'd you wish for? It's very bad luck to tell.

I hope you get what you want.

That sure is sweet of you.

You know, this is a side of you I've never seen before.

What is?

This protective attitude toward women.

Women?
They're only 18.

Children.
No older than my niece.

So?
So?

So?
Would I let my niece go out with guys like that?

I know those boys.

I know what's on their mind.

Robert, you have a moral streak.

You know me better than that.
Mmm.

Hey, Beagle! Beagle!

What?
Look.

A Papilio glaucus. Hmm?

That'll look great in your butterfly collection.

What butterfly collection?

The one you're starting... now.
Huh? Oh.

It went that way. Let's go! Come on!

Just a minute here.

You wait here in case it doubles back.

Tony?
Hmm?

Are you sure that butterfly's gonna come here?
Positive.

When you're being followed, you instinctively find someplace
where nobody can find you.

This is it.

You seem to know a lot about butterflies.

That's one of the things we study in medical school:

insects, animals, people.

You'd be surprised how similar we are in many ways.

Oh?
Did you know...

that beetles actually kiss?
No.

Sure.
How?

The boy beetle rubs his antenna against the girl beetle.

And what does the girl beetle do?

If he doesn't rub her the wrong way,
they start making plans for the future.

Like tonight.

Medicine's a fascinating field.

That's why a woman like Lisa is so interesting.
Lisa?

Mmm. There are 206 bones in the human body,

and I've never seen them that well-arranged before.

Oh.

She sure is a beautiful specimen.
Yes, she is.

For her age.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be catty.
Don't be sorry.

She is!
She's very beautiful. She really is.

Mm-hmm.

How would you say I'm arranged?

You?
Yeah.

I never gave it much thought.

You've got a good basic bone structure.

Hmph. Let me see.

Nice rib cage.

Fibula.

Tibia's good.

Ah, well-developed patellas.

Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.

Uh... huh!

Good.
Very good.

Excellent!

Good, strong heartbeat.

Hmm. Isn't that strange?
What?

Your pulse. It suddenly started to race.

Did it?
It's slowing down now.

There it goes again.

It doubled back.

Uh, Tony was just examining my bone structure.
Mm-hmm.

He's studying to be a doctor.

Where does he plan to intern? At the Folies Bergere?

I don't want to interfere with medical progress,

but... er... we're ready to leave.

After you, Doctor!

Hey, Beagle, this is it!
Yes, sir.

Here we go!

I thought you said he'd never make it up this hill.

All right, so we get him on the next hill.

He's killing the whole day for us.

What about tonight? The girls are leaving in the morning.

Will you relax? We'll get rid of him.

I don't know. This is no kid we're fooling with.

That's the answer! He's no kid.

Look, he's got to be over 35.

How many hills can he take?

I don't know. He looks pretty rugged.
Yeah, in his day, Beagle.

The B-29 was a rough plane,
but it can't keep up with the guided missiles.

When they wheel him into the hangar tonight,

his tail is really gonna be draggin'.

They're out to get me. Get you what?

Get rid of me. Hmph.
Do you blame them?

Don't start that. It's natural. They want to be alone.

Or have you forgotten what that's like?

What's that supposed to mean?

They're normal, healthy boys and normal, healthy girls.
No?

That can lead to a normal, unhealthy situation. Yes!
Believe me, Lis, I know what I'm doing.

Robert, you're breaking their spirit.

Yeah.

The guy's not human.

You know, when I couldn't push my scooter up that last hill,

he carried it up for me.

It's spooky.

Now look, let's be rational. How old are we, anyway?

I feel like I'm 92.

Well, we're 20! And he's pushing 40. That's ancient.

We're young. We can bounce back.

He's probably in his room layin' there like a lead ball.

Anybody here?

The girls tell me we're all going dancing tonight.

We'll be ready to leave in about an hour.

Isn't he terrific?

It's respect. That's what a girl wants from a boy.

If the girl gives in too easy,

the boy'll never take her seriously.

Mm-hmm.

He'll never think in terms of engagement, marriage,

a home or children!

If you want all these things,

keep your standards high.

The bedroom is like a wedding gown.

It's bad luck to let the fellow see you in it... before you're married.

Isn't he fabulous?

How does he do it?

He's goin' on raw courage now.

Remember, the night is young and he's not.

Well, if you're old enough to fly,

you're old enough to look.

Mr. Talbot?

Mr. Talbot, sir?

What do you want?

We'd like to speak to you for a minute, sir.
It's terribly important!

I'll be right down.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You told the girls to be ready in an hour, right?
Right.

He's a weirdie.

He's just as fresh as when we started out.

Beagle. Beagle, look.

No man his age can defy the laws of medical science.

He's traveled on a motor scooter for over 100 miles, half of it straight up.

Been on a dance floor all night, knockin' himself out.
Yeah.

He's had it!
Come here.

It's a medically proven fact that to put said subject to sleep at this point,

it's only necessary to introduce into his system...

several drops of monatomic dicarbon hydroxyl.

- What's that?
- Booze. Just a few drinks, we're home.

You're the king.
Thank you.

Observe.

Just hold it down.

Yes?

Excuse us, sir, but since we're leaving early in the morning,

we thought we'd come by and apologize to you.

Oh.

We've created a terrible impression on you, sir. We've been
rude and unpleasant.

In fact, sometimes downright boorish.

May we come in for a moment, sir?

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Mr.
Talbot, we couldn't leave without trying to square things with you, sir.

I see.
No hard feelings?

None at all.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.

What did you say,
Beagle?

Hmm? Oh, do you know what an occasion like this calls for? A drink.

Yeah.
You're right. He's right, sir.

May we have a farewell drink together?

Sure!
Let's do!

Thank you, sir.

Beautiful villa you have, Mr. Talbot.

Now then, what would you boys like to drink?

A brandy.
Brandy?

Mm-hmm.
Fine!

A toast, sir.
May this night be an example of the friendship...

that exists between your generation... and ours.

Ahh.

A-Another toast, sir.

May these drinks wash away the past and ensure the future.

To a little insurance.

Now then.

Sir, I'd like to propose a toast then.

To what?
You name it.

Well-- How do you feel?

Fine.

Sir, do you realize that you are defying the laws of medical science?

Dr. Lister and Louis Pasteur...

and, uh... Madame Curie.

All their work, sir, is for nothing.

Ahh.

I'm sorry.

Some unfinished business I had to attend to.

Oh, Robert!

What's wrong? What's happened?

I got 'em.

Every last one of 'em.

Tony? Tony!

What happened?

Tony!

Tony!
Hmm?

Uh--

Tony?

Are you all right?

Of course, I'm all right.

A little wet, that's all.

Come on. Try and stand up.

Now see if you can walk.

Of course, I can walk!

Mmm.
How do you feel?

What happened?

Mr. Talbot, he called us in.

And then he forced us to drink with him.

Oh, Tony.

If I could lie down for a minute, I'd feel fine.

Do you want to go in the house?

No, I better not. I better go back to the tent.

Tony!
Hmm?

Maybe I need a little help.

Robert!

How could you do this?
Hmm?

I was only following their golden rule:

"Do unto others before they do it to you!"

You can't let them lie there all night.

Maurice can sweep 'em off in the morning.

Look, don't feel sorry for them.

They got exactly what they deserved.

Somebody has to look after those girls.

Isn't that their parents' responsibility?

You know the trouble with the American parent?

Keep your kids off the streets.

Send them to Europe!

They're turning this continent into one big corner drugstore!

It's gone!

What? There's a body missing.

It's the one body I don't wanna have missing.

Sandy, wait. I was drunk, I swear. I didn't know what I was doing.

The next time I see a man lying in a bar, I'll leave him there!

Mr. Talbot, did you force him to drink with you?
Of course not.

And that's for lying!

Sandy, honey-- Sandy?

Thank you.

You've reaffirmed my lack of confidence in my fellow men.

Sandy.
Hmm?

Are... are you all right?

Sure! He's cute, isn't he?

Who?
Tony!

I hope I didn't loosen any of his teeth when I hit him.
He has such a beautiful smile!

You're not mad at him?
Mad at him? Why would I be mad?

Wait, wait.

He got fresh. You hit him.
Mm-hmm.

But you're not mad. You like him!
Oh, I adore him!

E gia figure!

The business the psychiatrists must do in America.

You people are... all mixed up.

You see, when he got fresh, it showed that he was interested.

I had to make sure he stayed interested.
So you hit him.

That's right.

It's like Mr. Talbot said.

A girl has to make a boy respect her.

If she gives in too easily, he'll never take her seriously.

Oh.

He said that?
Mm-hmm.

And he's right. He said, "When you go shopping in a market,

you don't buy anything that's been handled too much."

Oh. When did Mr. Talbot tell you all this?

While we were dancing. He said,

"If you want a man to think in terms of getting engaged and married,

then you've got to keep your standards high."

Hmm. What else did he say?

He said that love is one product you
don't sell by giving away free samples.

Hmm.

That's good advice for all of us.

You listen to him. I can tell you he knows what he's talking about.

I know.

Well?

I guess you learned something tonight, huh?

Yes! I never realized how wrong I was.

Oh, it's all in the past now.

You're so right.

It's been a long day.

Some champagne would do us both a world of good.
Mm-hmm.

The bottle's on the terrace. I'll go get it, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Robert?
Hmm?

- When you get to the terrace, would you do me a favor?
- Sure!

Jump off!

What are you doing? Taking your advice.

If a woman's too easy to get,
the man will never take her seriously. Hmm?

When I think how easy I was!

Stupida! Cretina! Idiota!

It's something I told some impressionable young girls.
To protect their morals.

What about my morals?
What's that got to do with it? We're adults.

Lisa, look, if you'll just calm down.

Don't touch me!

How could I be that stupid?

You're wealthy, good-looking, intelligent, charming!

I should have known better than to get mixed up with someone like that.

You're not making any sense.
I don't have to make sense. I'm Italian!

Ci sono dei uomini molto piu interessante
di te qui in Italia.

Cosa credi! Sono stufa dei America. Stufa!

Talk English. I can't understand you!
Ahh!

That's another thing! If you loved me, you'd have learned my language!

But no! I had to do it.

The weeks I spent studying!

Learning to speak this... "fluid" English!
Not fluid, fluent!

Big shot! Knows all the words!

For the first time I started to think, "What am I doing here?"

Lisa, believe me. No love affair can survive if either party starts to think.

That's been the beauty of our relationship. No thinking.

No pressure. No questions asked.

It's time someone started asking questions.

I knew those girls would get me in trouble!

You're a hypocrite. You made all the rules and I played by them.

Now I know what you think of me.
Lisa.

Well, the game is over, Robert.

I don't want to play anymore.
If you'll just calm down--

I'm tired of being a free sample.

There's no future in it.
We've never even talked about the future.

Women don't want talk. They go by intuition.

And I've learned one thing. A woman's intuition is a man's best friend.

Lisa, wait.
The market's closed, Mr. Talbot.

You'll have to start shopping somewhere else.

Lisa?

Lisa!

Who's in that tent?

Boys.
Boys?

Watch your head, my dear.

Did my girls meet them?

Meet whom?
Those boys down in the tent?

Oh, those boys.
Yes. What?

But the boys weren't interested in feminine companionship.

They're too absorbed by the educational aspects of their tour.

It's too bad you won't have time to meet them.

They're such fine, clean-cut young American gentlemen.

True goodwill ambassadors of a great nation.

Which way is the tent?

What happened to the girls?
I don't know.

Man, what a night.

Maurice!
I assure you, my dear, I'm as shocked as you are.

If anything's happened to those girls--

Margaret, believe me, please.

Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing!
I'm sure.

I sincerely hope not. Remember, I left those girls in your care.

Oh, Cedric!

He hiccupped.

He did.

Cedric!

He's drunk!

Maurice, what kind of a party did you have here last night?

Lisa, come back here.

I said don't touch me!
If you'd wait a while, everybody will be gone.

We can talk this over like adults.
I don't want to talk like an adult.

That's how I got into all this trouble.

How are you going to get back? There's no train.
I'll walk!

You're very welcome to come with us.
Thank you.

You keep out of this!

Lisa, don't you walk out that door.

Oh, what would I lose? The privilege of seeing you every September?

Well, I'm tired of being "girl of the month."

You know you're more than that.
Oh, don't worry, Robert.

You won't have any trouble. Just put an ad in the paper.

"Girl wanted. Short hours. Pleasant working conditions."

There's only one drawback. There's no chance of advancement.

Wild parties! Immoral rendezvous!

And to think I trusted you!

The next think I'll find out this isn't even an hotel.

That's precisely the next thing you're about to find out.
Sir?

You, you're fired. And you, madam, take those girls of yours,

pack that drunken bird and get out!

Are you going to allow him to speak to me like this?

Margaret, there's a small detail I probably
should have mentioned before. Now...

I know you're going to take this with
your customary good sense of humor.

Margaret, listen to me. Margaret.

Where's that good sense of humor? Margaret?

Margaret?

Sandy, honey, listen.

Hey, Sandy?

I'm packed, sir.

Good-bye, Mr. Clavell.

Before I leave, can I get you some breakfast?
No. Yes, get me an olive.

A martini for breakfast?

It's great for the morning after-- especially
if there hasn't been a night before.

Yes, sir. Oh, before I forget.

Would you kindly sign this, sir?
What is it?

It's a letter of recommendation.

A letter of recommendation?

I didn't want to trouble you, so I took the liberty of writing it out myself.

Just sign here.

It's much too trivial for you to bother reading, sir.

"Loyal.

"Faithful. Dedicated. Noble.

Reputable. Incorruptible."

It does get rather monotonous.

"Nearly saint-like in his devotion to his master."

Yes, sir.

Anybody that believes this deserves you.

Thank you very much, sir. I'll get the olive.

May I speak to you a moment, sir?

Well, if it isn't the prowling physician!

I don't blame you, sir.

After the way I acted with Sandy last night,

I'm... I'm no credit to the medical profession.
Hardly.

I came to apologize, sir.

No gimmicks this time.

You had us pegged right from the beginning.

That's probably why we got so sore at you.

Sir, do you know what a lemming is?

No.

Well, it's an animal that destroys itself.
Huh.

I've gotta look up my family tree,
'cause there must've been some real lemmings.

I meet a great girl like Sandy,
and what do I do? I goof the whole thing up.

I acted just like a stupid adolescent.

I'm not a kid anymore. I know better than that.

I'm getting on in years. You're not exactly ancient.

No, but when a guy gets to be as old as I am,
you'd think he'd be smart enough...

to stop fooling around and start looking for a lasting relationship.

Look, once in a while, if you're lucky,
you come across something of real value.

And what do you do with it?
You treat it just like a bargain basement special.

You start grabbing it, and then you lose it.

And you spend the rest of your life shopping
around for something that's not even half as good.

Anyhow... I came by to say I'm sorry.

So long, Mr. Talbot.
Uh, Tony!

Yes, sir?

Have a nice trip.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Here you are, sir.

Mr. Clavell, I just learned something.

I'm a lemming.

You really should have something more substantial for breakfast, sir.

You know,
man is the only animal clever enough to build the Empire State Building,

and stupid enough to jump off it.

Get the car, Maurice.

Yes, sir!

I don't see them.

Sparrow, stop worrying! He'll follow us.

Who?
Tony!

You don't think I'd've left if I didn't think he was gonna come after me!

And don't you worry, 'cause Mr. Talbot will come after you too.

Believe me, Sandy, I couldn't care less.

A $20,000 car isn't supposed to get a flat!

Evidently the manufacturers felt the same way.
Huh?

There's no jack to change the tire.

Oh. There must be a garage around here someplace.

Hey, va via! Va via! Dove ha il garagio il piu viccino?

They don't know. I'll ask inside.

You there, I want to borrow your truck.

Mi dispiace ma non vi capisco.
I want to borrow your truck.

I'll pay you for it.
Non, ma non posso.

It's an emergency. I'll buy it! Here!

Mi scusa, ma questo carro non e miga mio.

Perche mi ha datto questo denaro? Non e mio.

Get in.

There's a garage--
Never mind. Get in.

In this?
Yes!

Va bene. Va bene.

Il mio carro!

Ma come, quelle se n'e andato! Era qui adesso!

Fermati! Fermati!

Calmati figlio mio! Chiamiamo la polizia. Adesso.

Eh, bisogna pure fare qualcosa.

There they are, sir.

Here! Take this bird. Take the wheel.

Lisa?
What?

Lisa, stop the bus. I want to talk to you.

Go away!

I've been thinking.

You want me to take you seriously? Okay, I take you seriously!

It's too late.

What do you want me to do, marry you?

Okay, I'll marry you!

You sound like you do me a favor.

I'm not doing you any favor by marrying you.

If you asked me when we first met,

or last year, or even yesterday.

We never spoke of marriage. We were happy.

Mmm. I'll always feel I forced you into it.

Do I sound like I'm being forced?

You don't seem happy about it!

I've never been happier!

Look, dammit! I'm smiling!

It would never work.

Lisa, I'm asking you in a nice way.

Now stop being an idiot!

Get off that blasted bus and marry me!

No!

Okay. Don't ever say I never asked you.

You're a witness. You heard me ask her.

Don't stop now, sir. Follow them.
No, Maurice.

I'm like this goose. I know when I've laid an egg.

I want that villa put up for sale.

And if you can't sell it, burn it! I've had it with this country!

Sir, this is no time to be burning your villas behind you.

She loves you. She wants to marry you.
Yeah, she has a funny way of showing it.

Italian women are emotional.

Sh-She's been hurt. She wants time to think.

Well, I wanna go back to America...

where people get married without thinking.

Ecco-lo li! Arrestate-lo!

Ferma!

Ferma, ferma!

Arrestate-lo. E lui che a preso la machina!

Arrestate-lo. Va bene.

E dunque!
What are they saying?

They say you stole his truck.
His truck?

That's ridiculous. I bought it. I paid a man $600 for it.

I never stole anything in my life.

Tell him that's my car over there.

Quella? Giu! Giu!

I resent being treated as though I were a member of the Mafia!

What are they doing?

Maurice, tell them who I am.

That's right.

Mm-hmm. They probably want some money. Offer them a bribe.

Che dice?

La forte taglia?

E sicura? Certo.

E giusto! Io lo Portero.

No. Lo portiamo a Roma. E quello che volevo dire.
Lo portiamo a--

No! Lo portiamo tutti tre. Io, te e lui.

A l'ordine, brigadier.

Did you tell 'em about the money?

Yes, sir. They're definitely interested.

The time I wasted on him!

On a hypocrite, a liar, a fraud!

And you are fortunate.
Most women don't find it out till after they are married.

I'm lucky to get a man like Spencer.

He's honest, uh... sincere, sympathetic and...

reliable!

Everything Robert isn't.

But at least Robert did me one favor.

He did?
He asked me to marry him. He begged me.

And that freed me of him forever!

Now I know I can be happy with Spencer.

Where are they taking us? We've been riding for hours.

I wish I knew, sir.

I don't understand it. They act like I'm a criminal or something.

I've noticed that, sir.

Hey!

Tell him I'd like to explain everything very carefully.

Yes, sir.

Ahh!

There's this girl, Lisa Fellini.

Tell 'em she was my house guest.

Complice!

And she lives here in Rome. Via Bellagio, 46.

Via Bellagio, quaranta-sei. Subito.

We had an argument, a lovers' quarrel,

and I was just trying to keep her from leaving.

Taglia!

Hey!

Agh!

Oh, if I only had my lawyer here.

Believe me, sir, what I'm doing for you no lawyer could ever do.

You didn't see Lisa at her best the other day.
Once you get to know her, you'll love her.

She's really a shy, gentle girl, very quiet, well-bred, and home-loving.

Ecco! Venga.

Lasciatemi. Non posso andare con lei.

Venga! Malscalzone!

I don't like making snap decisions, Spencer,

but do you really think this is the right girl for you?

Robert!

Signorina!

There's this man I met about eight months ago.

Spencer. He's been very nice to me, and--

I don't want to sue anybody for false arrest.
I just want to get out of here.

If there's a plane, a train or a bus or a jackass leaving this city,

get me on it!

There's a train leaving for Milan in an hour.
Fine. Get me a taxi.

Taxi!
Let me tell you something about Italian women.

They're not to be trusted. They're deceitful.
They're... they're emotionally unstable.

Doesn't that apply to all women?
Well, of course it does!

That's where they've got us. We have nothing else to replace 'em with.

The least you can do is go to the station and apologize.

I'll write to them.
Cafone!

First you say you don't love me,
then you spend two nights in a man's villa.

Finally when you return, you're arrested.
Oh, well--

Frankly, Lisa, I can't allow this to go on after we're married.

Come along.

Hello?

Yes, Maurice.

I don't care what train Mr. Talbot is taking...

as long as he takes it.

We don't want him here in Italy!

I speak for the government! Good-bye.

Hello? Take care of yourself, Maurice, huh?

Ciao.

What are you so happy about?

Lisa, I have to talk to you.

Come in.

What's wrong?
He didn't follow me!

I'm going home tomorrow and he doesn't even have my phone number.

I know I'll never see him again.
Don't worry.

Lisa, I don't want to lose him.

I'm 18 and I may never have another chance.
Of course, you will.

No, I'm gonna end up like you.

Marrying the wrong man and miserable with someone that I don't love.

Nonsense.
I'm very happy with Spencer.

Now, listen. Do you know where the boys were going?

Yes, but what good is it? It's like Mr. Talbot said.

It's wrong for a woman to chase after a man. He won't respect her.

Forget Mr. Talbot. Listen to him and you'll ruin your life.

But you told me he was right.

You said you were taking his advice.

Did I? I don't remember.

Now, where were the boys going?

Paris. The Deauville Hotel.

Oh, the Hotel Deauville in Paris.

Internazionale prego.

You're calling Tony. Lisa--

I want the Hotel Deauville in Paris. Si, Parigi.

When they answer, ask for him.
You think I should?

Of course!

It's like fighting a war. If you retreat and the enemy doesn't follow you,

you've got to turn around and attack.

What good is winning the battle if you lose the war?
Pronto con Parigi.

Aspetta un momento.

Why be miserable with someone you don't love?

Better to be miserable with someone you do love!

Hello? Hello!

Paris.

Yes. Hotel Deauville.

Yes, I'll hold on.

Miss Fellini, where--
Apartment 2-A.

Thank you.
What's she made up for?

Yes, Operator, I'm still holding on.

Hello?

Hello?
Sandy.

Hi.

Oh, it's you.

Remember I told you we were going to Paris?

Did you?

Well, I couldn't go. I didn't have your phone number.

Oh.

I suddenly realized that I might never ever see you again.

Okay, I know you don't care if you ever see me again, but--

Tony, I don't want to hurt your feelings--
Don't say another word.

Just let's have dinner tonight and the two of us will sit and talk,

and maybe get to know each other.

Okay?

Okay? What'll I tell Mario?

Who's Mario?

My date for tonight.

Oh. I see.

But I can cancel it... if--

Will ya?

I won't even answer the phone.
Good.

I promise. I won't even touch you.

Which coach do I get on?
What?

Robert!

- Robert?
- Look, there she is. I told you she'd be here.

- Robert!
- Lisa!

No, mi lascia passare. Ma, che diavolo!

Senta, biglietto non c'e l'ho. Ma devo intrare
un momentino solo.

Ho detto di non! Eh, va bene! Cafone!

Darling, I knew you wouldn't let me down. My sisters are just over there.

Robert? Robert!

I'm here! Robert!

I'll send you both a wedding present!

There you are, I must give the fella credit for one thing.
He's a jolly good loser.

Now you stop here and don't move. I'll just bring my sisters.

Senta. A capito!

Capito!

Ancora lei. E per il piccino.

E quando si comincia a capire ma-- guarda a la mama.

Ma mi guarda sona abondonata con questo bambino.

Giorno della nocce.

Il padre de questo bambino sta partendo.

Malscalzone! Americano! Americano?

Americano va bene. Se lei non mi fa passare,
percio lui se ne va.

Passa, passa, va! Grazie, grazie.

Bravo, guarda.

I can't let you leave without talking to her.

She's just got that little something extra, you know.

That little something extra!

This could never happen in England. It's this beastly climate!

Non.

Eh? Non.

Ecco lo!

Ei lui? L 'Americano? Papa.

L 'Americano.

Vedi papa.

No, no. No, that's not mine.

Nobody's gonna play a dirty trick like that on me.

Nobody's gonna-- That's not mine.

I'm not gonna leave this train. I'm gonna go to France.

I'm gonna go back to Pittsburgh!

Lisa, tell him.

He's done it again!

Sir, I thought you were both on your way to America.

You've got two minutes to get everyone out of that house.

I received this letter from Margaret. She's forgiven me.

We might even get married. I needed the money.

I said I want everyone out!

But they're different. They're so quiet you won't notice they're around.

All right.
If you won't throw them out, I will.

Are you sure those two people are married?

Sister, this time I'm sure.