Come Play with Me (1977) - full transcript

♪ Play with me ♪

♪ Come play with me ♪

♪ Come baby play with me ♪

♪ Come on come on take me by the hand ♪

♪ You and me can go on
some strange erotic land ♪

♪ You will see ♪

♪ That it's not as bad
as it's made out to be ♪

♪ Not with me ♪

♪ We can go go on to
some magic carpet trip ♪

♪ And I know we're into
love and partnership ♪

♪ Wait and see ♪



♪ What the pleasures of the
world can really be with me ♪

♪ Come play with me ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stay
with me come away with me ♪

♪ Play with me ♪

♪ Come play with me ♪

♪ Got to make you want to stay with me ♪

♪ What do you say to me ♪

♪ Play with me ♪

- He doesn't like it.

He doesn't like it at all.

(grumbling)

Have any of you been able to
gather any further information?

It just isn't good enough.

The whole party could be in jeopardy



if this fiasco leaks out.

We've got to nip it in the bud!

- As Minister of Finance, I
feel the solution should be

to change to another colour.

Change the notes from
blue to red or something.

- No, no, no, it just won't do.

How long do you think it
would take the organisation

to copy a new issue?

Last month, there were over
a million in circulation.

No, no, no, the only solution

is to locate and apprehend the forgers.

Well, what suggestions have
any of you got to make?

It's calamity!

If something isn't accomplished
soon, heads will roll.

- I believe that this is the
work of an international gang.

Probably working from the continent.

Sponsored by you know whom.

- I disagree.

Take a look at this map.

Over the past four months it
appears that the forgeries

have been centralised in
limited areas of the country.

Cumberland, Yorkshire

and three weeks ago, Norfolk.

I would say that the
organisation is operating

right here in Britain,
probably a giant network

with various headquarters
throughout the country.

- I go along with that.

And gentlemen, you realise
that each operation appears

to edge its way further down the country.

I will guarantee that the next outbreak

will be on the south coast,
possibly somewhere in Sussex.

Gentlemen, I see no point in
wasting your valuable time.

I suggest you return to your duties.

Er, Podsnap, I'd be obliged
if you could stay behind

for a few more moments.
- Certainly Minister.

- Points I want to pick up.

(men chattering)

- Don't worry Minister, my
country will back you up.

- And Miss Dingle, perhaps
you should remain as well.

You do realise that the
bulk of the responsibility

lies with your department, don't you?

- I do assure you Minister, we
really are doing all we can.

I'm sure that we'll come up
with something before long.

No doubt about it.

I've got some of my best
undercover men full out.

- Some of them isn't enough.

You have to get the
whole branch out on this.

What about your key man,
what do you call him,

008 or something?

- Regretfully, we lost him last month.

- Oh.

- He's dead.

- Oh dear.

How did it happen?

- He caught the flu.

- Oh, well nothing serious then.

Well, who else have you got

and what about your outside contacts?

- I have one of my uh, contacts lined up.

I expect to meet with him
within the next few days.

I am waiting for confirmation.

You have nothing more to worry about.

- Well please get on with it man!

The situation is more
serious than you can imagine.

I expect a report from you
during the next two days.

- I understand perfectly,
you may rely on me.

- I intend to.

I shan't require you any further, Podsnap.

- Right, thank you, good morning Minister.

(car door clicks)

(steps clattering)

(lock rattles)

- I'm telling you Slash,
they're both blowing the gaff.

Yeah, there's not a bloody
stick left anywhere!

They've even go a
bleedin' lock on the door!

Yeah, everything, the machines,
the plates, the optics.

You what?

All right yeah, I'll come
straight back to the club.

(groovy music)

(door knocks)

- You're next miss!
- Coming!

(playful piano music)

- [Man] Go on, come on give
us a dance, I love your tempo.

Keep it going, keep it going.

Come on love, now look at the audience.

You're working, you're working to us.

Remember, you got the house full.

Keep it going, lovely.

That's it, now keep it.

That's it, keep it going,
smile, now come on.

There's it.

That's the way I want it, come
on, give it a bit more swing.

Go on, come on.

- Close, brilliant close.

When I found her, she was
knocking out burgers and chips

at Oxford street, now look at it.

She's a bleedin' star.

- Well, you know how to
pick 'em, don't you Slash?

I mean, I mean are a proper
little Lou Grey, aren't you?

- Well, there's nothing to it mate.

I've got the theatrical eye.

Many haven't, but if
you got it, you're made.

Now, you listen to me son and you learn.

(woman chattering)

Come on, get your bleedin'
asses off of the wood you're on!

- Slash, I got here as soon as I could.

- Okay, hang about mate.

Can't you see there's a marquis working!

- [Man] Come on, keep
it going, keep it going.

Where's that other bloody girl, Rose?

She was supposed to be on--

- Come on, what the bleedin'
hell've you got to tell me?

- Right, I told on the
line, they've scarpered.

Lock, stock and bleedin' barrel!

- Well, they've got to be found.

We can't let them two bleedin' gits

running around willy nilly.

I mean, if someone else gets
their hands on them plates

mate we're in dead trouble,
we're out of business!

- Supposing the old Bill
gets starings on 'em.

- Oh come on, don't start
being barmy, Norman!

The law wouldn't look twice at 'em!

Now, what we've got to
do is get them there

to sort out all the
crooked fences in London.

I mean, they've got to
be on a manor somewhere.

They haven't got one nut
to take 'em further afield.

If they start moonlighting again,

it's gonna fall into hands right here,

where we can put 'em bang to rights!

(engine rumbling)

- Here, let me have a look at that.

- We should never have done
a bunk like that, never.

No, oh yes, no.

They'll catch up with us,
sure as my name's Maury Kelly.

They will, they'll be on our
tail before we can look 'round.

- Utter bloody ridiculous.

How do you think they're gonna
find us in this wilderness?

Now look Maury, the plates are mine.

I engraved them and you've printed them.

They're ours by right.

- And will you tell them that
when they catch up with us?

- Yes.

But they won't.

Look, by the information on this document,

we can't be very far from there.

I would say at the next crossroads,

that will lead us to Bovington.

- Yeah well, could we stop at
the next pub, I'm starving.

- My dear old friend, fortitude.

Once there, nourishment awaits.

(engine rumbles)

(upbeat groovy music)

- Psst, psst, psst!

- May I offer you a tea
or some beverage, sir?

- I'd better have a cup of tea,
it'll look less conspicuous

if I appear to be taking some refreshment.

- One tea and a cup of Oxo please.

- Oh, get your ass mobile
and come and get it.

I didn't bring me skates today.

- And there's no need for rudeness.

Now, I'll have one tea
and a cup of Oxo please.

I'll have one of these buns with--

Would you like a bun with icing?

No, just the one bun
with the icing, please.

- 17p.

- Yes, thank you.

I love these buns that they sell

and you can't get them
everywhere, you know.

- Can we get down to the business in hand?

- Oh yes, yes, yes
indeed, Mr. Podsnap, yes

and what can I do for you?

- For God sake, don't call me Podsnap!

You never know who's within earshot.

Call me Q.

- Q oh yes, yes, I'm
sorry, I do apologise.

I remember that, Mr. Q, yes.

Now what could I do for you, Mr. Q?

- What do you think of that?

- Oh, yes well, it's very nice, very.

I had one myself once, you see.

Beautiful texture.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, but what do you see?

- Well, it's 20 quid, isn't it Mr. Q?

- Right man, but what do you see about it?

- Well, been in some very funny pocket.

- It's a forgery!

- Forgery?

- Well, well, well now, that is beautiful.

I seen some once as in my
time, but that is a gem

and no mistake.

- Right, well this is very much on the QT.

But the whole country's flooded with them.

My department has given me the assignment

to ferret out the source.

- I'm very good at it
you'll be, I'm sure Mr. Q.

- I've got the entire bunch working on it

but I need your assistance
from the other side.

- Oh, I see.

- I would assume your contacts

could be of great assistance here.

The establishments you inhabit
must be a breeding ground

of distribution of a large percentage

of these illicit notes.

I need your help in this area.

- Yes, yes, I see what you mean.

- Well?

- But now, I believe I can
be of assistance to you.

See, now I work with an associate

in on the inside, as it were.

Now, I'll make my contact with her

and with her, you can meet me tonight.

- Whatever you say.

- Yes, the Burlesque, 11:30.

- I'll be there.
- Good.

- And I don't need to tell you

that the whole thing is very

entre nous.

- That's nasty, yes.

Righto Mr. Podnos.

- No, no, you'll remain
until after I've left.

We mustn't be seen leaving together.

I'll see you this evening.

- Another tea, 20 franks and another one

of those lovely iced buns.

- How do you expect me to change that?

Do you think this is the
bank of bleedin' England?

(engine rumbling)

- Thank you.

(door clicks)

(knocking)
- Shop!

(coughing)

Yeah, going to your chest, see.

- Hello?

- Ah, reception.

Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

- My name is Clapworthy,
Cornelius Clapworthy.

My colleague, Dr. Morris
Kelly of Paris Conservatory.

- Oh Mr. Clapworthy!

I'm delighted to see you.

I'm Lady Bovington, the
principal at Bovington Manor.

We were getting a bit archi
totto about you, you know.

According to your letter, you
were due to arrive yesterday.

- Yes, I'm afraid our
journey was somewhat delayed.

However, our convince managed
the hazardous conditions

of some of your roads here and
well, here we are. (laughs)

- Ah well, I hope you'll
find the journey's end

was worth the journey.

I'm sure you'll both find
peace and tranquillity here

and that our treatment will
restore your health completely.

- That, dear lady, is our devout desire.

We have some luggage outside.

If you have someone, assistance
would be much appreciated.

- Oh yes, by all means!

(bell dings)

I'll ring for Mr. McKiver.

Mr. McKiver is my chef de garre.

- Hey, what about the nosh, I'm starving!

- Restraint Maury, restraint.

- Now then gentlemen,
this is my Mr. McKiver,

a treasure beyond
measure, if I may say so.

- Oh dear.

Mr. McKiver, would you give
Mr. Kelly a hand there?

I'll handle the personal
effects in the car.

(clattering)

(man grunting)

- Good gravy!

You have come kitted out
for all eventualities!

Anymore hand luggage?

- You will look out there yonder, my lady,

there's another out there as big as that!

I don't know how you're gonna
get up to the master bedroom.

- Oh go on, Mr. McKiver,
don't give us that.

We are convinced that you can overcome.

- It's not right.

Sweat and labour--

(laughs)

- See, you're thinking it's a lot of gear.

- Yes.

- Now, musicians, you see.

What can you do with them?
- What?

- Have you ever heard my friend play?

- No.

- Oh, fat!

- Good old band?

- Oh good, good!

In this case is his organ.

It's the original one, the
original one that Chopin

knocked out some of his best preludes on.

Oh yes!

I'll give him a top line,
no more, and he's away

like the clappers! (laughs)

Mind you, we have to practise a lot.

Oh yes, so if by any chance
you should happen to hear,

do me a favour, take no listen.

- Don't worry, Mr. Kelly!

I'm tickled pink to think
you should have chosen

dear old Bovington as
a venue for the arts.

- You haven't got any other
musicians here, have you?

- No, regrettably, not lately.

My dear brother, the late
Septimus Bovington, he was a tre--

- He's dead?

- Defunct.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- He was a tremendous
supporter to the arts.

Oh, during his lifetime,
the whole house was crammed

to the attics with music and merriment!

He left us all too soon, alas.

Only two legacies.
- Oh really.

- The house and Lord Rodney.

- Lord Rodney?

- My nephew, bless him.

My later brother's boy.

He's carrying on, thank goodness,
where his father left off.

At the moment, he's in
France with his ballet.

Of course, I was forgetting!

You reside in Paris with
your friend, don't you?

Oh how exciting!

Rodney has probably played
under your able batons.

♪ Pretty girl ♪

♪ Oh la la ♪

♪ Oh la pretty girl ♪

♪ P is for the potent lips
that make me want to kiss you ♪

♪ R is for the rainbow that
is dancing in your eyes ♪

♪ E is for the ever present
smile that lights your face up ♪

♪ T is for the tenderness
and love that never dies ♪

♪ Pretty girl come with me ♪

♪ And I'll buy you all the
nice things you adore ♪

♪ Pretty girl stay with me ♪

♪ And you'll never have to worry anymore ♪

(laughing)

- Hey, hey, what'd you do, what?

Look, if you start that again,

I told you, it goes to your chest!

- Well, I'm sorry.

Is it, you've taken this side of the bed?

- I have, I have.

- What are all these documents?

- Highly educational, very
good articles in here.

- May I see them?

- Yes, by all means.
- Thank you, thank you.

Oh my goodness, these
are most interesting.

Oh Maury, this is the one I'm after.

Good!

(chanting)

- Oh no pictures, no pictures. (laughs)

Yes, I must say, this I
could learn to live with.

- [Cornelius] I am glad you like it.

- You know for once,
Clapworthy you've come up

with the real McCoy.

We don't have to dress for dinner, do we?

- I think we should.

Remember, we're in a very
different league now.

- I think we're a little off course.

Maybe we should've taken that last cut off

at the intersection on
the motorway we were on.

Hang on, hold it, Jesus,
I'm doing the best I can!

I'm sure almost on top.

- You've been saying that
now for the last three hours.

- Darling, I think this
is just too bloody much!

We've been creeping up and
down bloody lanes all day.

If I see one more bloody
babbling brook I'll throw up,

I promise you I will.

- I'm hungry.

(women grumbling)

- You all had fish and chips
when we landed at Dover.

- Big deal.

- That was yesterday!

- It was not yesterday, it was last night.

Look, the sooner you get off my back,

let me get a move on, the
sooner we get there, right?

- As soon as we get there, we
can all sort ourselves out.

(engine rumbling)

(box clattering)

- For God's sake, be
careful with that stuff.

You'll ruin the bloody plates up!

- Why, what's in it?

- It's my own special formula.

I use it for edging the plates.

(gasps)

- There it is!

Told you so, Bovington Manor,

ancestral home for the past 500 years.

(soft organ music)

- Oh, listen Mr. McKiver, oh the memories!

(horn honks)

Now, whoever on earth can that be?

- I'd better get outside and have a look.

(women chattering)

- Auntie love, I'm home!

- Rodney, what utter bliss to see you!

I thought you were still
in Paris, you naughty boy.

- Ah yes, but I'll tell
you about that as soon

as we get unpacked.

- Yes darling, and you must
ask all your little friends

to stop to tea.
- Absolutely.

Oh, don't worry about the girls, Auntie,

they love to mix and
mingle with the guests,

that sort of thing, you know.

- But there are no guests, dear.

That's just the point.

At least except two gentlemen
who arrived this afternoon.

- No guests, but I thought
you turned the place

into a health farm!

- No guests, positively not.

And consequently, I fear no money either.

Not for want of trying.

Success has not been as one envisaged yet.

I even inserted a discreet
advertisement in The Lady,

but the only answer I got was from

the two gentlemen I mentioned.

So you see darling, however
delightful it would be

to have all these young
people staying here,

for me to accommodate such a large party

at the moment would be
financially impossible.

- You mean the Bovington Health Farm

consists of you and McKiver?

- I'm afraid so, my darling.

- But this is ridiculous Auntie!

Health farms all over the
country are making a fortune!

This place, having this place,

is like a licence to print money!

(finger snaps)

I've got an idea.

(laughing)

- Maury?
- Yeah?

- Prepare yourself for a new life.

In these surroundings,
we can work undisturbed,

peace and tranquillity
no bother our fortune.

I take it that the plates are not damaged?

- Oh, they're as good as new, believe me.

They don't make 'em like this anymore.

When do we get cracking?

- Oh, possibly tomorrow.

- Aye, here, what about that McKiver chap

and that lady, whatchamacallit?

You don't think they'll twig, do you?

- No, not in a million years.

They'll never hear the sound
of this over that organ.

We found the perfect set up! (laughs)

(birds chirping)

(rooster crows)

(door squeaks)

- Wakey, wakey, rise and shine.

- Hey!
(groaning)

- Maury, will you stop doing that!

- Good morning.

(laughs)

- Good morning.

I believe you must be in the wrong room.

- Ah, no she isn't.

- We're ready for you.

- No, no, there must be some mistake.

- No mistake, no mistake.

- Are you coming?
- Yes.

- Oh no, you're not.

Now, we're here for the cure, you know.

- But we are the cure.

- I knew it had to be something more

than nuts and cold water.

- No you're not, this is most irregular.

- Here, perhaps they're
part of the treatment.

- Ridiculous.

Will you please leave
our room immediately.

- Come on girls, let's get moving!

(groovy music)
(laughing)

- Oh my God, I can't stand
much more of this, can you?

Thank goodness!

Get me out of here, darling.

I can't stand it, I can't.

No, no!

(steam whooshing)

My God Maury!

Maury, come back!

(languid groovy music)

- Something I can do for you, chum?

- I'm looking for a gentleman.

- No gentleman in here.

It's all crumpet.

- Crumpet?

Crumpet.

Oh, oh, you misunderstand me.

I'm to meet a business
associate here for drinks.

- Oh yes, come on, I'll find
you a bottle and the fellow.

- Oh thank you, very nice of you.

- Here you are love, sit yourself down.

You've got a nice view of the stage.

You sure you don't
fancy a couple of birds?

- Oh no thank you, I'll just
wait here for my friend,

if you don't mind.

- Got some lovely talent.

- No, thank you, no thank you.

I'm all right.
- Suit yourself.

Reggie!

Bottle of wine for the gentleman.

(popping)

- Good evening, Mr. Q.

- Couldn't you have chosen a
more secluded place than here?

You've got to realise we're
on very secretive work.

- Oh don't worry Mr. Q, in
this business you can be

very safe in this environment.

You see, the patrons are more interested

in the convening talent.

- I see your point.

Now to business.

When do we meet with your associate?

- Ah, yes, yes, now that's a
good question, good question!

Any minute now.

She works here as a hostess.

- Here?
- Yes.

- Are you mad?

- No, I'm hardly mad, Mr. Q.

We'll have to infiltrate
the crevices of the mob.

Now, she's my inside man, as it were.

Now, I've made my presence known

and she'll come over and
you'll be expected to meet

like you fancy her, so to speak.

- Fancy her?

But I can't do that!

I'm a married man of 20 years!

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, pretend to fancy.

Avert suspicion.

- I would thought these
aren't in my line of country,

I would have thought it--

- May I sit down?

- Oh yes, please do, make
yourself comfortable.

This is my friend, Mr. Q.

This is Christine, I
was telling you about.

- Delighted to meet you, my dear.

I hope you will join
us in some refreshment.

- I'd love to.

- I take it our colleague here
has given you the relative

information regarding our assignment.

- Yes, to a point.

- It's all very undercover, you realise?

- Of course.

- Mr. Nosegay has acquainted
me with your talents.

- Has me?

- Oh, oh, I mean,

your talents regarding

yourself as an agent.

- I'm your girl.

- Capital.

We believe that a large proportion
of the counterfeit notes

can possibly be passed
in places such as this.

We want you to keep your eyes peeled

and if you notice anything out
of the ordinary being passed,

contact Nosegay here immediately.

He's in constant contact with me.

- Yes, but what am I to look for exactly?

I mean, how I meant to
distinguish between the duds

and the real thing?

- Ah, very little, I'm afraid.

One of the most remarkable examples

of engraving I've seen in many a day.

That, the only defect is the highlight

in her majesty's left eye.

- Goodness me!

It's perfect!

- Regrettably, nearly so.

Nevertheless, we'll get
the scoundrels. (laughs)

Very few villains have
slipped past me, by jove,

I can tell you.

- I can that just by looking at you.

- Well, let's drink to the
success of our mission.

Success!

- Well, I've enjoyed our brief meeting.

I hope we shall meet
again in the near future.

Nosegay, keep in contact.

Close contact.

Until we meet again.

Goodbye.

- Missed it.

- Oh, oh, thank you, thank
you, I'm very awfully sorry.

- That's quite all right my matey.

Don't worry.

- Only you're very nice,
thank you very much.

- Oh, there's my boyfriend.

You don't need me anymore, do you?

I must go and earn my living.

- Yes, that's right love,
you're going to attend

to his every need and the best of luck.

- Hello girl.
- Hello Norman.

Had a good day?

- No.

Been thinking like the
talent, must've lost its way.

Come home last, dancing on three legs.

- The problem with you
mate, is you don't study!

You want to get anywhere,
you've got to study.

- Love the show and go
get something, all right.

John Billet playing the records
and welcome and it's smoky.

We seem to be full tonight
folks and we're share again,

with audio sets this
thing in somo, I tell you.

(playful groovy music)

- Now here's one, what about this Norman?

Removing tomorrow in the 3:30.

- Could be.

Send fellows out in Brighton.

- Look at that bleedin' horse up there.

Who put her in?

She'd been better off
with the bleedin' shadow.

Look at the go she's got mate,

she wouldn't be much of a ride either!

Oh for Christ's sake,
pay her off tomorrow.

Makes you put the punters off of women.

Now, what about it, Norman?

Gonna have a go on the Mona?

I'm a bit off 100 on the nose.

- Yeah, I'll run a monkey on the neck.

- I'd like a flatter if you
think it stands a chance.

- I know you with your bleeding fetters!

The last time you flood the bank

I never saw the colour of the gilt!

If you want, oh put your
money where your mouth is.

Now what do you want, aye?

Oh.

You did all right tonight.

Right, 20 pound on the nose.

(birds chirping)

- I want to go home.

They're killing us.

- Morris, enough is enough.

In any case, we haven't any
more money to go further afield.

And remember our purpose here.

- I know the purpose!

If I have to go through
that bashing everyday,

we'll never live to spend it.

- We've got to stick it out.

(groaning)

What's the matter with ya?

- Oh sod you!

If you want to stay, you stay,

I'm getting back to civilization!

- Here, Maury, come back!

- Where the hell do
you think you're going?

♪ It's great to be here ♪

♪ There never ever could
be anywhere else for we ♪

♪ This is where we want to be ♪

♪ Enjoying ourselves ♪

♪ It wouldn't be right ♪

♪ To go on criticising
anywhere nice as this ♪

♪ There is such great happiness ♪

♪ If what everyone we're
getting free exercise ♪

♪ No bed all this time ♪

♪ It's good for us ♪

♪ We're beginning to feel that
this is the real Shangri la ♪

♪ There's nothing on earth ♪

♪ Would ever make us try to
leave all our friends behind ♪

♪ When we're so well wined and dined ♪

♪ It's great to be here ♪

(plucky mid tempo music)

♪ It's great to be here ♪

♪ There never ever could
be anywhere else for we ♪

♪ This is where we want to be ♪

♪ Here enjoying ourselves ♪

♪ It wouldn't be right ♪

♪ To go on criticising
anywhere nice as this ♪

♪ There is such great happiness ♪

♪ Here for everyone ♪

♪ We're getting free exercise
no bed all the time ♪

♪ It's good for us ♪

♪ We're beginning to feel that
this is a real Shangri la ♪

♪ There's nothing on earth ♪

♪ Would ever make us try to
leave all our friends behind ♪

♪ When we're so well wined and dined ♪

♪ It's great to be here ♪

(groovy music)

- Hello, Bovington Manor.

Week of the 31st.

Week of the 31st.

Yes, I think I can fit
you in with a double room

for that date.

Will you be taking the full course?

Oh yes, we include colonic
irrigation, when requested,

oh certainly!

Our young ladies handle
all the treatments.

Oh thank you, that would
be most gracious of you,

a slight deposit would
be much appreciated.

Well, thank you again, goodbye.

What the hell is colonic
irrigation Mr. McKiver?

I haven't the foggiest, have you?

- Oh aye, colonic irritation,
I can, it's...(laughs)

There's nothing to it, it's,
it's a kind of foot massage,

very beneficial for the
patients who have to take brisk,

early morning walks.

- Oh, I see.

- Good morning miss.

I'm due here, it says on the card.

- Oh yes, you're down
for our 2:30 appointment.

Would you like to take off your gown

and go and lie on your
tummy over on the couch?

- Right you are.

(humming)

Thank you very much, thank you, thank you.

Ah, it's lovely.

- Uh, take off your pants.

- Is that really necessary, I mean...

- You're down for irrigation, aren't you?

- Yes, yes, well actually,

I've got an ache across my shoulder here

and the ladyship outside
said it would do me good,

so I came long.

- Oh, I suppose it might help.

Now Mr. Benjamin, no need
to be shy, off with them.

- No, I there really is, I mean--

- Nothing to worry about.

- You've seen it all
before, haven't you, I mean.

- Oh yes, we'll give you
a little massage first.

That'll relax you.

- My first time here, you know.

- No need to worry.

- My wife recommended
I come along because--

- Oh, we'll sort you out.

- Oh thank you very much,
thank you, oh charming.

Oh, oh!

(groaning)

I never dreamed it would be like this.

This is irrigation, give me
more, give me more more more.

Oh, more please, please, please!

Oh don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

- No, I won't Mr. Benjamin.

There was nothing to
worry about, was there?

- No, not at all, not
at all, nothing at all.

Oh I like that, I like that, beautiful!

Oh yes! (groaning)

- Mr. Benjamin, you are hard.

Your core muscles really need relaxing.

- Yes, oh yes they do,
don't they, yes, yes.

Keep it coming, oh, oh.

Oh!

- There, you're much more
relaxed now, aren't you?

- Oh yes, thank you, thank you very much.

- Oh good, there.

Now for irrigation.

- Well I...

I thought that was it, irrigation.

That's not irrigation?

- Oh no, Mr. Benjamin, stay
there, we'll sort you out.

- Charming lady, charming.

Irrigation, irrigation.

- Now this, Mr. Benjamin, is irrigation.

(yelling)

(horn blaring)

- This is class?

That's what I call bleedin'
class, what do you think Chris?

- Looks all right from the outside.

But anyhow, did we want
to come all this way

just for a weekend, though?

I'd of rathered gone to Brighton.

- You've got no appreciation
of bloody beauty, haven't you?

You can't see this sort
of scenery down south!

Last time we was Brighton,

all we saw was the bleedin' water!

Come on, let's go inside.

- May aye be of assistance to you?

- Yes sir, we booked reservations.

Blitz the name, Norman Blitz.

- You'll be needed over yon
to sign the reservations.

Have you any other baggage with you?

- Oh yes, the rest of it's
outside in the Mercedes,

you can't miss it, it's
the only one there.

- I'll attend to that for you.

You better go over to yon
desk and meet her ladyship.

- Oh her ladyship, oh yes!

Come on Chris.

- Find some luggage out
there in the Mercedes.

Her ladyship--

- Can I help you?

- Oh yes madam, we've made reservations.

Blitz the name, Norman Blitz.

- Blitz.

Ah yes, here we are.

Welcome to Bovington Hall, Mr. Blitz.

We have the most delightful rooms for you.

- Thank you.

Rooms, I only booked one!

- Oh yes, I do apologise about that.

All our doubles were fully booked.

However, I'm sure you'll
find these reservations

extremely comfortable,

delightful views over the grass moors.

- Jesus Christ!

- It's a pity you are only
staying for the long weekend.

However, not to worry, we at
Bovington can work wonders

in a minimal space of time.

(bell dings)

- Can't wait.

- Now, these are two of our
young ladies, Josie and Tess.

I tell you what I suggest,
as you can only stay here

for such a very short time,
I suggest Tess and Josie

conduct you to the baths
as soon as you're ready.

- The sooner the better aye!

Can't wait to take a few pounds off!

(water splashes)

(organ music)

- Chris?

What the hell are you doing here?

- Rod!

I don't believe it.

I thought you were still in Paris!

Anyway, what's all this
about my doing here?

What the hell are you
doing here, you bastard?

Last time I saw you was in
New Castle, when you left me

with nothing but a bloody
paste engagement ring

and what I thought at the
time, was a bun in the oven.

- You weren't preggers were you darling?

- Well, no, but it's no thanks to you.

- Darling, darling let me explain.

- Forget it.

If it hadn't been for me
bumping into a very old

friend of mine, who I
met while landed up there

with cash and waiting for you,

I could have been stuck up there forever.

- Cat, really I didn't mean it.

I was dropped right in the cart.

You know, I was supposed to
come back to England from Paris

the week after I left you in New Castle.

Well, that shit of a
partner of mine got off

in the middle of the
night, left me stranded

with the six girls I took
over a strip club engagement.

Apart from them, all I
had was a bloody bus.

We had to sell everything,
all our resources,

just to get back to England.

- What are you doing here?

I mean, surely they don't
have strip shows here.

- My aunt owns the manor.

- What?

That old woman, lady whatever her name is?

- Right.

The place was a shambles
and we eventually managed

to make it here.

But I turned it into what it is now.

- And what about the birds?

- They're the staff,

them and some poor old sod called McKiver.

And as you can see, it's all happening.

- Where do I come into it?

- Well, where we left off, if you want.

- You know something Rodney,
you have to be the most

complete and utter bastard
of the very first order.

- You see, nothing's changed
and you still fancy me,

don't you?

- Give yourself a chance to find out.

- Look, I can't go away now.

I've got to go and take care of reception,

but keep yourself open for this evening.

- Do you know the number of my room?

- Don't need it, won't be necessary.

There are certain things
happening tonight.

Be at the pool, 12 o'clock.
- The pool?

You must be joking.

Surely, we must be past having it away

on the concrete by now, aren't we?

- It won't be like that.

Just make sure you're there
and the rest I'll take care of.

- I can imagine, I've been in vogue

with your bright ideas before, remember?

♪ Pretty girl ♪

♪ Oh la la la oh la pretty girl ♪

♪ P is for the pouting lips ♪

♪ That make me want to kiss you ♪

♪ R is for the rainbow that
is dancing in your eyes ♪

♪ E is for the ever present
smile that lights your face up ♪

♪ T is for the tenderness
and love that never dies ♪

♪ Pretty girl come with me ♪

♪ And I'll buy you all the
nice things you adore ♪

♪ Pretty girl stay with me ♪

- Come along, Mr. Wilson.

♪ And you'll never have to worry anymore ♪

♪ T is for the times you tried
to make my life a pleasure ♪

(laughing)

(coughs)

- Oh, well thanks!

You got a bit of a grip
there, haven't ya? (laughs)

And you're strong little girl, aren't you?

Can't understand why my
brother ever suggested

that I have to have one of these.

It's not a bad idea, I suppose.

Oh well.

Totem poles, aye?

Well, what do you mean by that?

Totem--

(yells)

(laughs)

Yes, higher, higher, higher.

Hi there.

Well, that sure is fun, I'll tell ya.

Young lady, I'll recommend
you any day of the week.

Most unusual, never quite come across.

It's better that pinochle, I
assure that, and more fun too.

Oh boy.

- Oh, I'm looking forward to his.

I hope you've got strong hands.

- Open wide for that.

- I can do with some rough handling today.

- Just relax.

(moaning)

- Where did you learn?

- Oh, I had a good training in Paris.

I was trained for a few months there

and I did quite a lot of massage.

- Paris, Paris, France, oh happy memories.

- [Woman] Yes, have you been there?

- Many, many, many times.

Oh, that's beautiful, that's beautiful.

- Relax.

- [Woman] I am, I am.

(thudding)

I'm gonna be asleep any minute.

(yelling)

- [Woman] Come back here!

- Hello ladies, time for your lunch!

Down the corridor, over there.

Hey, what's been the matter
with you these past few days?

- Nothing at all, why?

- Hello girls.

(water splashing)

(yelling)

♪ Pretty girl stay with me ♪

♪ 'Cause you know how to
set my heart on fire ♪

♪ Pretty girl come with me ♪

♪ And I'll buy you all the
nice things you adore ♪

♪ Pretty girl stay with me ♪

♪ And you'll never have to worry anymore ♪

♪ Pretty girl come with me ♪

♪ And I'll buy you all the
nice things you adore ♪

♪ Pretty girl stay with me ♪

♪ And you'll never have to sorry anymore ♪

- The Minister said the
south coast, Brighton.

I'll go there incognito.

Marvellous!

Marvellous!

(yelling)
(rumbling)

- Hey, what your bleeding?

- Nothing, nothing, I'm
just waiting to be served.

- Piss off or I'll give
you a right hander.

- Oh dear!

- Come to the world's
lovely grub, two plates!

- Could you give me a
glass of water, please?

- I'm sorry mate, there's no tap here.

I'll tell you what you can have,

you can have a nice cup of that.

(sobs)

- No!

- Plenty of bleedin' water over there!

- Look here, if it's not been to aye,

what you doing here darling?

Ladies toilets around
the corner, aye! (laughs)

What've you got in your bag?

Seen it in there, do you?

- No, you're not speaking to me like that.

- Oh, gettin' a bit nark, is she?

What, you going through your
change of life then darling?

- Would you mind keeping
your salacious remarks

for people of your own elk!

- Salacious aye, that's a
big word for a little girl.

- You cretin!

How dare you speak to me like that!

You ought to be in uniform!

Two years discipline would do you good!

Would put some mudders into you!

- Listen here, you better keep
that big cake hole of yours,

or you're gonna get my fist in it, see!

- Don't you dare touch me!

I'll have the law on you!

- The law!

- Don't you dare touch me!

- What do you think of that, then?

Here, let's get after the little bastard.

♪ Now come to the old Brighton ♪

♪ The place to make your smile ♪

♪ We're glad you came to see our show ♪

♪ And laugh with us a while ♪

♪ I shall sit there in the
sun and listen to a pun ♪

♪ You know there's no
place like Brighton ♪

♪ To have a bit of fun ♪

- Now are you all enjoying yourselves?

- [All] Yes!

- Are you all enjoying yourselves?

- [All] Yes!

♪ La la la la ♪

- Thank you.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Just a minute, just a minute!

- Oh bollock!

- Charming, well there's
no answer to that!

♪ La la la la la ♪

(steps clattering)

- Where the sodding hell's he gone?

- Eh, he must have had it
away, a bit sharp just down

the other end of the pier.

Git.

We'll never find him in that crowd.

(woman yelling)

- Look here!

Come inside!

Madam read ya, madam read ya!

- What we gonna do now, then?

Tell you what, let's go
and give that bastard

of a comedian a bit of a go, aye?

- Yeah, good idea.

- Now, what's it gonna be?

The ball, the cards or the hand?

- What?

Oh, I don't want to buy anything.

- Oh no you don't understand.

You can have the ball,
the cards or the hand.

Of course, I've got the
fluence to use them all.

- Lying bitch!

- Shut up, you silly bugger!

I am sorry sir, now what's it gonna be?

The ball, the card or the hand.

- Well, whatever you suggest.

- Oh I am glad that you said that, sir.

Course, looking at you, I'd say the hand

with a little bit of the ball thrown in.

I must tell ya in all
fairness, the hand isn't for--

- Why, it says outside the
entire reading for one pound.

- Oh, you're dead right
on that score, sir!

Being a Romani, you've got
to cross my hand with silver,

you do understand, don't ya?

- I see.

- Don't delve too deep, sir. (laughs)

Oh, 50 pence pieces if you please, sir.

Ah, that's all right.

Now give me your hand, your left one

and let us see what we can see.

Oh, there's plenty here.

It's as plain as the nose on my face.

You've had trouble with a man, haven't ya?

- Two men, actually.

- No, there's only one man
and he's in a high place.

You're on a quest and I can see stones.

Have you had an illness recently?

- No, not that I can think of.

- Gallstones?

- [Podsnap] No, I had a touch
of bronchitis the last month.

- No, it's not that.

I can only see stones.

You're surrounded by them.

Are you sure you haven't had any trouble

with the old water works?

- Quite sure!

- All I can see is stones.

Stones and stones.

- Stones?

Brighton beach, they're the stones!

I'm on the right path!

- No, no, you're not where you should be.

You're on a quest and it's further afield,

but you're gonna travel.

That's that line there that tells me that.

I think I'll look at me ball.

Ah yes, it's coming
clearer now, there we are.

There's someone very high up,

who's gonna drop of load of
trouble on your shoulders.

(yelling)

Oh, I am sorry, sir!

But you see, since he's
been living on the pier,

I ain't been able to
get him house trained.

But wait a minute, oh it's
coming through now, yes.

I've got to be very blunt about this.

Have you had anything to
do with any women lately?

- No, not that I can think of.

- Well, I can see the letter C,

C, C, C!

Maybe Christopher?

- Christine.

- Ah, it's coming very near now.

I think I'll use me cards.

- Please do, do try the cards!

Yes, tell me more, tell me more!

- Now, sit quiet, sir, you
sit there and I'll tell you

what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to let it come
out all natural like.

Tell me,

tell me!

You are going where birds fly free!

Stones, stones!

Look for the stones!

Oh dear, I'm exhausted.

I've told you everything.

I've given you a double
helping of everything,

the balls, the cards, and the hand.

I think I'll charge you a little bit more,

it's only fair, isn't it?

Blimey, I can't change this.

- Now you're sure I've got
to look for the stones?

- You can depend upon it.

You can take the word of a Romani.

(bird caws)

- Lies, all lies!

- I'll kill you, you bastard!

(birds chirping)

- Would you like an extra
slice of lemon, Mr. Kelly?

- Thank you.

(steps clattering)

- You certainly manage
to find the best places

for a swinging weekend, don't you?

- It'd do you good to
cut the day and just take

some weight off your ass.

- I've never had any
complaints about my ass,

as you so delicately put it, up until now.

- Look, do me a favour, keep
quiet and get on with it.

Aye, aye, what's this?

- What is that?

- Oh, it's nothing much.

- Well, if it's nothing much,

can I have a look at it please?

- There you are.

- Swimming pool, midnight.

How weird.

Course you're not going, are you?

- Course not, don't be silly!

- Did you manage to get all the cards out?

- Yes, everybody's got one.

- All except for the two
nutters down at the end there.

Rodney told us not to take
any chances with them.

- Oh, you mean Clapworthy and Kelly?

- Yeah.

- Oh, I shouldn't think they'd add

much vigour to the proceedings.

- You can say that again.

- Although, in a funny kind of way,

I feel rather sorry for them.

Just look at their faces.

(steps clattering)

(clock ticking)

(groovy music)

♪ Play with me ♪

♪ Come play with me ♪

♪ Come baby play with me ♪

♪ Come on come on take me by the hand ♪

♪ You and me make it to
some strange erotic land ♪

♪ You will see that it's not as bad ♪

♪ As it's made out to be ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ We can go come on to
some magic carpet trip ♪

♪ And I know we're into
love and partnership ♪

♪ Wait and see what the pleasures
of the world can really be ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Come and play with me ♪

♪ Take me by the hand and stay with me ♪

- Well, what you think?

Was it worth getting out of bed for?

- Well, when you passed me your card,

I had other ideas in mind.

- Everything in good time.

- Not bad for a start, this.

- Oh, come along now, I'm sure
we can tackle some champagne

and caviar, can't we?

- Well, with you I can tackle anything.

♪ Take it slow ♪

♪ No need to go mad and change your mind ♪

♪ Don't you know it's only
love you're giving me ♪

♪ Take your time take it easy and better ♪

- Hello there, glad you
were able to get away.

- Quite a nice, little
secluded romantic spot

you've managed to pick us, I see.

- Don't worry, I've got it all ready.

Slip through that entrance over there

and in the meadow, you'll
see a potting shed.

I'll meet you there in
a couple of minutes.

- You've got to be bloody well joking!

I'm starved, I'm absolutely famished!

I haven't eaten all day.

Rodney, if you really think
I'm meant to feel randy,

sprawled out there like some
tomato plants and horse manure,

you've got another think coming.

- Don't worry, I've got everything ready,

I've sorted all the before
this shit even started.

Don't I always think of everything?

- You've no need to tell me that one.

I must be mad to even consider this.

- Sweetie, rely on me.

- If only I could.

All right then, but if this is
another of your bright little

ideas that goes wrong, your
feet won't touch the ground.

- Cross my heart.

Now, go on, off you go
and I'll meet you later.

- Don't you let me down.
- I won't.

Arnia, can you hold the fort
by the till a little while?

I've got a little bit of
business I've got to attend to.

- Yes, I know, I saw a bit this evening.

Go on, have fun.

(water splashing)
(laughing)

- Hello, where are you off to?

- Well, I've got some
unfinished business to do,

know what I mean?

- Yes, good luck to you.

(groovy music)
(water splashing)

(clattering)

- Come on!

- But the door's open.

- Don't worry, they won't find
us in this part of the manor.

(groaning)

Come on.

(panting)
(groaning)

(screaming)

- What's wrong, Maury?

- Can you smell it, it's in the room?

- I can't smell anything.

- Food, it's food, I can smell it.

- Go to sleep Maury, it's hallucinations.

You usually get them when
you're in a weak state.

Now, just go to sleep.

- I tell ya, I can't
stand it, it's killing me.

(people laughing)

Hear, hear, did you hear that?
- What?

- They're laughing at us.

- I can't hear anything, no.

- I'll tell ya, they're
laughing at us, up there.

Up there, they're laughing,
they're laughing at me.

- Who is?

- Them!

They're laughing at me.

It's my own fault, it's
all them schmucks I cheated

and turned over all me life.

They're laughing at me up there.

See my mother, she used to say to me,

"Maury, you'll come to no good, Maury,

"oh I'm telling you Maury,
you'll come to no good."

She wanted me to go
into gowns and blouses.

- You would look very good in
them as well, you know that.

- Gowns and blouses, she used to say.

Now that's a living.

- So why did you become a printer?

- My mother's brother, it was his fault.

He was in the business.

Became some kind of partnership with him.

He used to print ration
cards, petrol coupons,

cut tie tickets, all quality gear.

I used to distribute it.

- So?

- So, well, I was out grafting one day

at Chelsea Walhampton, I think it was.

Oh, what a day!

I was selling the tickets five at a time.

Did you know, I had a
wad of notes in me pocket

like the roll of liner.

Whoo, what a day whoo!

- Go on.

- Yeah well, one night, when
I got back to the office,

the law had gotten ankle mental.

- I remember that.

- Two years they give him.

So all of a sudden I found myself

managing director, didn't I?

I thought, well, I'll go into
a better quality type of good.

Passports, diplomas, something
with a bit of finesse.

Well, for this, I needed a good engraver.

(laughs)

- That's how you met me.

- I met ya.

I shoulda stayed in gowns and blouses.

Instead, I find myself
in this mashugana place,

starving to death!

- Look, for goodness sake, go to sleep.

In a couple of weeks we'll
have enough money here

to get out and you can
eat yourself to death.

Now, go to sleep for God sake!

- Well, sorry if I disturbed you.

- Well, you are disturbing
me, so go to sleep, please.

- Just, I thought I could smell food.

- Well, go to sleep, I
don't smell anything.

(snoring)

- What's the matter?

- Maury, you aggravate me,
you just plain aggravate me.

- But where you going?

- I'm going to have a pee, do you mind?

Where are you going?

- Well...

- Go back to bed, you've
already been, go back to bed.

(heavy breathing)
(water running)

(moaning)

- What's that?

- Oh, it's nothing, don't worry about it.

(moaning)

(laughing)
(champagne pops)

- I'll say, this really is
the most enchanting room.

So unexpected, coming
across a place like this,

so off the beaten track.

And jolly decent of you

to bring this up to the room personally.

I mean, you do understand it
would be rather embarrassing,

somebody in my position I can't
very well pop in down there.

You do understand?

- [Woman] Don't give it
another thought, Sir Jeffery.

- Oh please, call me Jeffery.
- Jeffery.

And I do understand.

We here at the manor
always have the interests

of our guests at heart.

- I was rather hoping that
this was going to be well,

a little bit more than, shall we say,

a service of the establishment?

- Well, we do try to please.

(groovy music)

- Bloody hell darling,
you could've waited.

- I couldn't, I've ravenous!

- More like ravishing.

What a wonderful idea, in fact.

What is wrong with this!

(moaning)
(laughing)

(sighs)

(moaning)

- No, no!

(laughs)

- No, oh I'm coming, yeah!

(moaning)

(women chattering)

- Well Rodney, you look a bit baggy around

the eyes this morning.

You must've run the ball
well and truly last night.

- Nevermind about that.

How'd it all go last night?

- Pretty well, although I
have a few things to clear up

with the girls before we
start today's manoeuvres.

- Okay, let's get started.

We mustn't slack now everything's
going so well for us.

Come on, get the girls in order.

- Okay, come on girls,
quiet, quiet please!

Thank you.

Right, let's go through today's briefing.

First of all, I think we
can up the temperature

in the steam room a little.

That will help get rid
of some of the booze

they consumed last night.

Um, I think perhaps Tess, you'd
better take over this job.

- But that's my job.

- Well pet, look what's already happened.

You've nearly asphyxiated
six of our residents already.

No, I think perhaps you'd better

take care of the midday
carrot juice instead.

- And whilst we're on
that subject, Mandy love,

while your efforts are appreciated,

no really they are really,

however perhaps a little less verb.

Sir Jeffery is unable to
get out of bed this morning

and poor Mr. Nimbly's walking around

looking like a road map.

- And as for you, Patsy, poor
Mr. Collingworth has taken

to Bovington General Hospital this morning

suffering from severe lacerations.

We had to tell the doctor he
was hit by a falling tree.

But we all know what happened, don't we?

- Well, he did ask for the full treatment.

- Well, I'll overlook it just this once,

but don't let it happen again.

- All right, let's get
the ramble organised

through the woods for this afternoon.

That should perk up the
taste buds for the evening.

Tina?

- Not on your life, darling.

I can hardly keep awake now.

We've been up all night and
all this physical activity

during the day is just too bloody much!

If I see any more greenery,
I'll just go out of my mind,

I promise you I will!

Why doesn't the Amazon take care of it?

- Patsy, how bout it?

- Okay, book me in the for cross country.

- Right, any more
questions or suggestions?

- Yes, when do we retire?

- [Rodney] Keep going as we
have been and you should be able

to skate through to
the next London season.

- Thank God for that.

- Shh, quiet everybody, I
think I can hear McKiver.

We don't kill the golden goose, now do we?

- Oh, good morning, sir.

What can I do for you?

- Oh, I'm down for some
treatment this morning.

- Ah yes, have you been
to the manor before?

- No, no.

- Then I'll get one of our young ladies

to show you the way through.

Nanette?
- Yes?

- Would you like to show
Mr. Blitz the way through

to the steam room please.

- Morning.

- Yes, certainly.

Would you like to follow me, sir?

- Can take me anywhere you like, love.

(groans)

- Do us a favour, Mr. Clapworthy,
let's get out of here.

Oh, I'll be satisfied with
what we've got, look at me.

I'm wasting away!

- Listen Morris, just a few more days

and we'll have reached our target.

Every pound we lose in here,
will be worth two and a half

when on the outside.

- Well, I'm not a greedy man.

I'll be happy with what we've got.

(steam hissing)

- Maury, you'll have to stop.

- Now, make yourself
comfortable in here, Mr. Blitz,

and I'll be back in half and hour.

- All right, darling.

(yells)

- Them seats are half bleedin' hot!

That's better.

I've never been in a
place like this before.

Sure, I suppose this is the place

to take the weight off, aye.

Blitz the name, Norman Blitz.

- Nice to know you.

- Unusual, this lot, you know.

- You'll get used to it.

- Yeah well, there's nothing like sweating

to throw you up, is there?

- Sweatings not the only
thing you get in this place.

- Hey, what about them birds?

What about them birds, you know,

that lot that brought me in.

Oh, that's a big tasty innit.

- Don't talk about anything to eat.

- How are you, Mr. Blitz?

It's not too hot for you, is it?

- Oh no, no.

Now, you mustn't take
too much the first day.

Come along, it's time for your
cold shower, Mr. Clapworthy.

- Clapworthy, Clapworthy?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

- Oh no, I don't think you've
ever had the pleasure, sir.

- Now come along Mr. Kelly, you too.

- Morris, how bout a shower?
- Oh yes.

- Here, you're the two sods what scarped!

(groovy music)

- Morris, pretty novel,

that was one of Slasher's men in there.

We're out Maur.

- What we gonna do?

- Bloody run!

- I'm telling you Slash, the
two of them are down here

as large as life.

Course I know it's them!

Who else do you know with names like that?

Jewish?

Oh, I don't know I never
look at them things.

- Well, don't let them
out of your site, Norman!

Me and the two boys will
up there straight away!

- Right.

(upbeat groovy music)

- Here you are Maury, you have these.

- Where we gonna put them?

- Well, certainly not here.

Let's hide them in the garden.

- Good idea.
- Come on.

You take those down the back and burn 'em.

- Yes.

(groovy music)

(clattering)

- Make sure you burn them all, Maury.

- What are you two up to?

- Well, we thought, you
see, after the shower,

a bit of fresh air and
exercise would do us good.

- To stimulate the circulation.

- Don't give me that, look at that smoke.

You've been burning something.

I've been watching you both
from the upstairs window.

- Katrina, we're in serious trouble.

We are not, in fact, musicians.

- That figures,

after listening to "O
For the Wings of a Dove"

every afternoon for the
past couple of months.

- My correct title is Inspector Clapworthy

of the British Intelligence.

My colleague here is none
other than the Dr. Kelly.

- You see, we didn't
actually arrive from Paris.

No, see Miss Katrina,
I've been a hunted man.

I have, I've been a hunted
man and the only organisation

I could turn to was MI5.

It was there I met the Inspector.

Oh, what a man.

- And the bonfire, where
does this hunted bit come in?

- Yeah well, you see, I
was making these plans

and blueprints for a new
revolutionary hivercraft.

- Hover, hover.

- Hov--
- Hover.

- Hover, hey.

- Just tell the girl the story.

- Yeah, well unfortunately
see, unbeknownst,

there was a leak in the security, you see.

The news had got out about my good fortune

and all the people, the whole
of London was hunting me then.

Yeah, but unfortunately see,
this mob got to hear about it.

Now they're hearing chasing
us and they want to do us!

- But can't you call the police?

- No, no, no.

We of the service always work alone.

- Together.

- But if they're coming here,
what are you going to do?

- Well, as others have done before us,

go down but with our chins held high.

- There must be something we can do.

- Well, you think about it Miss Katrina

and while you're doing that,

the Inspector and I will go off and pack.

- That's a good idea.

- I know, I've got it!

The girls!

- Are you certain it's them?

- Course I'm certain and
I'll check with the porter.

He said they arrived the
day after we found out

they scarpered from London.

And what's more, they took two
big boxes up to their rooms.

- And that's how it happened,

that's exactly what they told me.

(women chattering)

- Ah, if only the General was here now.

But by the way, I was his
pattern in the 1914 and 19 knot.

Here, the satin act of going to the plate

and then in with a cold steel!

Ah!

Now then, you right here, and
I'll go away and get me pipes.

That'll scare the shit out of them!

- Come on girls, into action!

(men chattering)

- Come along, gentlemen.

Come on!

- Where are you taking us?

- I don't want to go down there again!

We've just come up from there!

- All right, you go in
there, I'll get him him.

- Okay.

(thuds)

- That's another one down.

- Great stuff.

- Come on, mate, that is enough,
we'll have the rest later.

- Oh no, I'm afraid I
can't let you go yet!

- Lady Bovington insists
on the full treatment

at all times!

(whistles)

- Oi, get off of me!

(girls yelling)

- Maury, we'd better
get back to the garden.

Get them plates, quick, let's go.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, missus.

I'm looking for the you know what.

- Ah, straight down the
corridor and turn left.

(steps clattering)

Good morning, Vicar.

- I believe our Virgil
phoned you yesterday

with regards to the scouts bazaar.

- I do know that Mr. McKiver has removed

most of the unwanted bric a
brac out to the potting shed.

If you care to rummage about there,

I'm sure you're more than welcome

to take anything you could find you think

will come in useful.

- Most generous of you, Lady Bovington.

We have a barrel outside.

May we pop down now?

- Well, do, please do!

- Oh, thank you so much!

Hope to see you at the service on Sunday.

- Sunday.

- Now come along, troop.

To work, to work!

- Right, scout master!

Everything's ready and under control.

- Quick march.

- Ah, there you are.

We've been waiting for
you in the exercise room.

- Yeah, I'll pick the scarper.

- Unlikely!

Come on, girls, get him!

- Positive gold mine.

Here.

- Vicar?
- Yes, Trixie?

- Will these go?

- Oh, what a bountiful harvest.

All this should fill a complete stall.

Oh, these appear to be copper,

how excellent for the scout's metal class.

I shall place them upon the barrel.

Excuse me, Trixie.

(hissing)

- Oh!

Bleedin' hell.

Are you kinky or something?

You say you come here for pleasure.

I wonder how the other two are getting on?

- Come on lads, keep up the
good work, no slacking now!

(groans)

- Oh, there they are.

Come on, they're useless!

We'd better find them on our own!

- I'll get the plates.

- I'll see all the notes are burnt.

- Right.

(cart clattering)

- Come on, mate!

What are you doing?

Can't you see?

- My word, what exuberance.

- You seem to have collected
quite an assortment

for your bazaar.

- Oh Lady, what I have here would make

a most delightful display.

- I'm sure it will.

I didn't see them used.

- They were down by
the shed with all this.

- Do you know I think these
might belong to Rodney.

I think we ought to show him them

before you hand them to your helpers.

- Well, I quite understand, my dear lady.

I mean, anything that isn't
needed, young Trixie here

can come up and collect later.

- Oh good.

- Certainly, I mean to
show them to Rodney now.

- My dear lady, good day.

- Goodbye.

- Well done, come on troop, quick march.

- Right girls, we got rid of the toss,

now we've got to get
rid of the ring leaders.

Look, there they go!

Come on, let's get 'em!

(groovy music)

(yelling)

(booming)

- There?

- Yeah, Lady B!

Now then, don't make a
pig of yourself with that.

- Yeah, of course I do
see your point of view,

but you've got to see
our point of view too.

I mean, you're gonna be taking
a strict rotation innit ya?

Well, I do the best for you.

Three weeks from now, now
that is a promise, mate!

Now we've got a bunch of sod
amerous kudus on the run now.

As soon as we carry that
lot, we'll run your lot

in the machine a bit sharpies, what.

Okay!

Okay, our pleasure Mr. Gunnerfort.

We'll be in touch!

- Everything going according to plan?

- Oh, couldn't be better, my love.

Shall we make our rounds now
or are you a bit tied up?

- No!

Lena can hold the fort.

We must show some interest
in the work, mustn't we?

Else Mr. Clapworthy and Kelly will go

into their sulks again.

We can't have that, can we?

- Quite right.

♪ Oh for the wings of
the wings of a dove ♪

♪ Far away far away would I roam ♪

♪ All for the wings for
the wings of a dove ♪

♪ Far away far away ♪

♪ Far away ♪

- Your should be identical to mine.

- Oh, I am not!

♪ All for the wings for
the wings of a dove ♪

♪ Far away far away would I roam ♪

♪ All for the wings for
the wings of a dove ♪

- The stones!

I'll be surrounded by stones!

I've got to be close to it now! (laughing)

(soft instrumental music)

♪ It's great to here ♪

♪ There never ever could
be anywhere else for we ♪

♪ This is where we want to be ♪

♪ Here enjoying ourself ♪

♪ It wouldn't be right ♪

♪ To go on criticising
anywhere nice as this ♪

♪ There is such great happiness ♪

♪ Here for everyone ♪

♪ We're getting free exercise ♪

♪ No bread all this
time it's good for us ♪

♪ We're beginning to feel that
this is the real Shangri la ♪

♪ There's nothing on earth ♪

♪ Would ever make us try to
leave all our friends behind ♪

♪ When we're so well wined and dined ♪

♪ It's great to be here ♪