Come Down Day (2016) - full transcript

- Ashtray.
- But also last beer, so...

- Morph !
- What ?

Am I a terrible person ?

What ? No.

You're Kent effing Blackwell,
the Jaffa Cake of men.

What if no-one will love me because
I've got that weird ball thing ?

Everyone has a weird ball thing.

Or pubes that come up really far,
or a hairy tit.

Hey, it's one hair
that just keeps coming back !

What ?
I don't have any weird things.

He's got a mole
on each butt cheek.



It makes his arse look
like a pair of tits.

Judas !

So we are agreed.

Everyone is going to show
everyone else everything.

Yes, it will bring us
all closer together.

We'll have an unbreakable bond
for all of eternity.

Steady on, mate. Yeah.

Sorry.

Three...

- Two...
- One...

Draw !

Right. Your turn, guys.

That was a mistake.
Let's get fucked up.

Really quickly.



Guys ?

Guys, it's just an arse.

WASTED

Season 1
Episode 5

Everyone was so wasted
last night,

I guess no-one can remember
anything that happened.

We all remember your arse tits.

Splendid.

Right.

Come-down day,
we're going to need blanket, Netflix,

non-judgmental wank breaks...

Oh, I can't, I've got a barbecue.

Whose barbecue ?

That guy from the reggae night
down in Corsham.

- He invited me over.
- Not that fucking dread-head guy.

He has a name.

What is it ?

I can't remember because
we keep calling him dread-head.

Right, so you're ditching us
for a bongo party ?

Kent, not all white boys
with dreads play bongos ?

Are you sure about that ?

Fine. Just us legends, eh ?

Well, actually,
barbecue sounds fucking great.

Oh, guys. Come on !

You're disrespecting
come-down day.

No good will come of it.

Mate, the only thing I ate yesterday
was half a Toffee Crisp,

and I sprayed most of that
into the till.

Oh ! Dirty !

It's actually a select group
of incredibly cool people.

And he only invited me, so...

It's a barbecue, anyone can go
as long as they bring sausages.

Yep. That is the rule.

What's the fucking problem here ?!

You're a fucking nightmare
on a come-down.

And I want to make
a good impression.

Better bring your bongos, then.

I promise I'll be fine
the minute I get some food in me.

So I got venison sausages,

but now I'm thinking,
is that really try-hard ?

Should I have gone
for a Cumberland ?

You're overthinking it.
It's just a bunch of pig dicks.

You know it's not actually
pigs' dicks, right ?

- I mean, you do know that ?
- But they are, though, aren't they ?

Mashed-up pigs' dicks.
In a bag.

Alison, they're not...

Hey ! You made it.

Hi.

This is my mate Alison. She wanted
to come because she's really hungry.

- I brought sausages.
- Oh, venison. Nice choice.

Yeah, I chose them.

BE MINDFUL

Sorry about the mess.
It's kind of a live-work space.

So I'm always getting covered
in paint.

What, just that bit right there ?

That one perfectly positioned bit ?

Yeah, I guess so.

So, people relax here.

They crash there,
have food there.

That's a yoga mat.

And this is where I do my work.

Oh, cool. What's it about ?

Do you know what ?
I don't know.

My process is, kind of,
to experiment,

I just get it out there and
the meaning just, kind of...

... emerges.

I did GCSE art, so I know exactly
what you're talking about.

I think it's about the impact
of social media on litter.

Litter is... shit.

Exactly.

Sitting on a chair.

Nice out. Fancy a bike ride ?

Why do you keep trying
to do things ?!

Because I don't wish to fester.

It's that sort of attitude
that lost you the job at Bird Zone.

No, it's the fact that penguins
can't digest Twiglets

that lost my job at a Bird Zone.

I just think some fresh air
might sort us out.

The outside world
is our enemy today. It will crush us.

- Fine.
- What are you doing ?

- Orc Slayer.
- No.

No role-play games.

I spend the entire day just watching
you customise your characters.

They all look like you,
but with tits.

Fine.

Let's just watch something.

We could watch the
My Little Pony movie.

Stop suggesting that.

Let's just watch whatever's on.

Ah, Springwatch.

Yes ! And it's
a Michaela Strachan one.

Fucking A !

- Hello ?
- Shit, it's my mum.

Oh, it'd be lovely to see Denise.

She's so fucking needy
since she kicked Dad out.

It's Mum.

I'm starting to realise
why he cheated on her.

- Kent !
- What ? She's a ball-ache !

Just cover for me.

- Morpheus.
- Denise.

- What a pleasure.
- Is Kent here ?

Sorry, no, he's out on business.

Oh, that's a shame because I was
hoping to take him for a pub lunch.

Pub lunch ?

So, Denise...

... how are you coping...

... with the cuckoldry ?

Do you know, that is the first time
someone's asked me how I feel.

Well, I'm sure Kent's been there
for you.

Yes. He's been a bit hard
to get hold of now his phone is broken.

And I know he's just rushed off
his feet trying to find a job.

MICHAELA STRACHAN YOUNGER

I always suspected Peter
was cheating.

I didn't know it was with a girl who
was in the year below Kent at school.

- He's a fool of a man.
- And he says, "She centres me".

And he said she helped him find
himself.

We both know what that means.

- Midlife crisis...
- Hot sex.

Midlife crisis.

I'll just get this.

'Mate, where's your laptop charger ?'

- Mate, are you having a wank ?
- We said, "No judgment."

Can I call you back ?
I'm having lunch.

You can't take a phone call ?
Who are you, Theo Paphitis ?

I'm with your mother, Kent.
We're having a pub lunch.

She's such an attention seeker !

I wish she'd just get back with
Dad and leave us all alone.

- I'm going now.
- Wait.

Can you bring me back
a chocolate fudge brownie ?

Please ? Come on, I need this.

- My parents have broken up.
- All right, all right.

- I'll bring you a brownie.
- Finally !

And make sure it's a squidgy one
from the middle,

not from the outside,
it's always a bit dry.

- Hollandaise.
- Can I have a fudge brownie to go ?

- Make sure it's a...
- Squidgy one from the middle.

So his phone's not broken, then ?

You know what ? Screw Kent,
you deserve the fudge brownie.

Tell the kitchen we'll have it here !

Yeah, Kent, there is a massive
ginger beard.

Well, there's only one.
And there is a few man buns.

And one sort of early man bun,
but he's gone for it too soon.

OK. Just come back.

I've got all of the duvets
on the sofa.

And I really need someone
to make me a cup of tea.

I can't walk home till I've eaten.
When is that going to happen ?

- I can't even smell food.
- It'll happen when it happens.

This is how cool people work.
It's fluid, it's different.

I mean, in 2016,
what even is a barbecue ?

Oi, Dreadhead,
when's the food ready ?

Oh, yeah, hey, we're about
to light the barbecue.

You haven't even lit it yet... ?
Kent, I've got to go.

No, no, Alison ! Alison !

You know it can take up to 40 minutes
for those coals to get white ?

I'm sure he knows how
to make a barbecue.

- Does he ? It doesn't seem...
- Ignore her. She's just hungry.

Look, there's some
bread or something...

Actually, not, no. Sparkle's gluten
intolerant and has no willpower,

so this is a wheat-free house.

- So there's no fucking bread ?
- Alison !

You don't invite people to a barbecue
and then not have a barbecue !

Well, he didn't invite you, did he ?

Me gotta get da barbecue.

Cool.

Can you just chill, McGee ?

Sorry. I know.

I'm just hungry.

- I'll be cool.
- OK.

- Here we go.
- It's not even built yet ?!

Sorry.

Mate, where are you ? I'm crashing
hard. I need that fucking brownie.

Your mother and I are having a walk.

You're having a walk ?
With my mother ? Why ?

Because she's a bit upset and I
thought it might cheer her up.

She's always upset
cos she's a miserable old bitch.

Kent !

Last night you said
you felt like a bad person.

Maybe saying things like that
is why you feel that way.

Fuck off, Dad.
I can say what I like.

- Right, I'm hanging up.
- No, no, wait !

Come home and we can watch
My Little Pony Movie... trailer

and then talk about it.

No, Kent.

I will not reward
this juvenile behaviour.

Goodbye.

- Was that Kent ?
- Yes, and he had quite a potty mouth.

Should I go home ?
And then you can just...

No, we are not going to let him
ruin Denise Day.

- Denise Day ?
- Yes.

Denise Day.

I've got something to show you.

Look.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

It was an Abbey before
the dissolution of the monasteries.

Sometimes I come here
just to think.

I told Kent that once
and he punched me in the dick.

Let's just forget about Kent
for a while.

Yeah.

Come on.

All right.

I think it's about to come down.

We could just make it to my house
if we run.

Yeah.

This is like a bunch of chimpanzees
thrown a Kinder surprise.

I think what Alison means to say

is that your friends are so
creative that they don't need

to follow the rigid constraints
of barbecue instructions.

Exactly.

Baseline !

You made it.

Kent, put the phone at arm's length,
I can see the fur on your tongue.

Have either of you guys ever seen
this man in the village ?

Pizza delivery guy ?

Yeah !

That's what he said !

But I think it's a trick to make me
open the door so he can get me.

- Did you order a pizza ?
- Yeah.

Probably him, then.

You're just getting para.

- Roll a spliff.
- I've run out.

Maybe I'll have a Lemsip.

What flavour of pizza is it ?
Because I'm thinking I'd quite like...

Look, we're not leaving
now I've blagged you in.

How will that make me look ?

Why do you care
what these hippy pirates think ?

Are you that desperate
to jump his bones ?

Alison !

I happen to have real feelings
for Dreadhead.

So you're really into diablo ?

That looks like it takes a
lot of practice.

And he needs to be showing
that much chest !

Alison, we just connect.

The guy's cool and spiritual and...

And you can clearly see his penis
through those fisherman pants.

Really ?

Look at it, lobbing back and forth.

Like a dirty metronome.

You were right. I went cock blind.

There's probably some residual
pill horn too.

There's got to be something in here.

Ryvita, or anything.

- There's an Oxo cube.
- Ooh, beef ?

- Veg.
- Nah.

Oh, it's so annoying.

How can someone be so fit and
at the same time so utterly revolting ?

Well, you could just overlook it ?

- Overlook it ?
- Yeah, you can overlook anything.

Like my mum's hit and run.

I forgot about that.

Just nod along,
say that you lurrrve circus sports,

and get yourself some sweet, sweet,
Jack Sparrow flavoured candy.

Oh, my God, I want to
fuck Jack Sparrow.

I'm going to overlook it !

That's it, overlook it !

Sarah...

I think you need to see this.

Pop this on while your clothes
are drying.

It's Kent's dad's, so it should fit.

This is lovely.

Is it quilted ?

And this should warm you up.

- Will Peter mind ?
- I don't care.

He's not coming back.

Now warm your cockles.

I'm going to whizz up
and have a shower.

Right.

Ooh, that's good.

"Local Myths." Bosh.

Now I need you
to be honest with me.

Is it yours ?

Yeah.

Ain't she beautiful ?

I picked her up when I was in Uluru,
which is Aborigine for Ayers Rock.

OK.

- You probably don't even play it.
- Oh, I play her.

Do you think there's any way
you could

never play it ?

It's part of who I am, Sarah.

Also, I'm pretty good.

It's impossible to be good
at didgeridoo.

Hey, Dad.

What the fuck are you doing ?

I'm just drying my clothes.

We got caught in the rain up
at the ruined abbey.

The place where you took Stephanie
Murphy when you try to neck her ?

Yeah, yeah. That's the place.

You took my mum there ?

After a dinner date,
and a romantic walk ?

I wouldn't say romantic. It was...

Picturesque.

Are you trying to fuck my mum ?

Kent Thomas Blackwell,
of course I'm not.

It does look a little bit
weird, mate.

I mean, you're in her house,
drinking scotch.

- Wearing my dad's robe.
- I'm just warming my cockles.

- That is fucking disgusting !
- Watch your language.

Don't tell me what to do.

That attitude is exactly what your
mother and I have been talking about.

Fucking stop !

I know you're a desperate virgin,

but trying to jump my mum
because she's vulnerable...

- I was trying to show her a good time.
- Get out !

- My pants aren't dry !
- Oh, my God, you're naked !

This is fucking horrible.

- Kent.
- Yeah.

- This is your comedown talking.
- Is it ?

Or are you trying
to replace my dad ?

You are in a spiralling vortex
of doubt right now.

So listen to me.

Look, here. Here !

- I am your best friend.
- You are my best friend.

And in no way attempting to copulate
with your mother.

OK. You're right.

I just need some weed.

- A bit of weed.
- Yeah.

- It'll be fine.
- Bit of weed.

You go home, roll up a batty.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

- All right, I'll see you later.
- See you, mate.

Don't fuck my mum.

I won't !

I definitely...

... won't.

Right, let's get these sausages on.

You've got to put the chicken on
first, it takes longer.

OK, let's get the chicken on.

But Felix hasn't finished
the marinade yet.

You know what ?

Chicken fell.

Sausages it is.

We've got to go.

But the sausages !

Sarah, if you just heard me play it.

Please don't !

What's happening ?

It's a fucking break out !

Guys !

Look what I found.

Cowbell !

Morpheus,
please don't fuck my mum.

Don't fuck my mum, Morpheus.

Don't fuck my mum !

I ask you as a friend...

Don't fuck my mum.

Morpheus, don't fuck my mum !

It's all right, just fuck his mum.

Go on !

I mean, she's practically
given you the green light.

- Go on, put it right inside her.
- It's only a fuck !

- Just give her a quickie !
- Fuck her ! Fuck her ! Fuck her !

I'm going up now, Morphs.

You're welcome to stay.

It's nice having company.

Morpheus, what are you doing ?

I don't know.

This is the worst thing
I've ever heard.

I know.

I know, that's why I
came to see you.

I mean,
what should I do about Kent ?

Just don't even tell him.

Really ?

Is that OK from your spirit
guide, moral compass, point of view ?

Bury it, lad.

- You say nothing happened ?
- Totally.

It was just a spoon.

I mean, I had a bit of a stiffy,
but she definitely didn't feel it.

Get out of my forest.

Yes.

Disgusting !

See, this is what
we should have done from the start.

You disrespect the comedown
and the comedown punishes you.

It punished my fucking ears.

Bongos ?

Didgeridoo.

I don't know if it's my comedown,

but I'm finding this pony movie
really moving.

Yeah.

Me too.

Good choice, Morph.

And thanks
for looking after my mum today.

- No problem.
- You really are a great friend.

OK.

It's like the movie says,

friendship is magic.

Your mum hasn't tried to call you,
has she ?

Yeah.

But I knifed it.

I can't talk to her now.

Yeah. One for tomorrow.

Yeah. One for tomorrow.

WASTED

Season 1
End of episode 5