Color-Blinded (1998) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

RASHONE: Worm meat.

You are all nothing
but worm meat.

You are not good enough
to eat out of a dog's dish

unless you wake up and make
something of yourselves!

How do you make
something of yourself?

You be what you need to be!

You need to be
smarter, be smarter.

You need to be
prettier, be prettier.

I mean, anything can be achieved
if you have a will to it.

I-- I was once like you.



[LAUGHS] I-- I--

I was always wondering why
I could never achieve any

of my dreams, why
everything I ever wanted

was always just sort of,
like, out of my reach.

Why?

Because I was then
what you are now--

a stagnant pool of pond scum.

We're going to
be late for work.

Shh.

You think education
makes a difference?

I know PhDs that serve me my
burgers at Jack in the Box.

You think being the next
person makes a difference?

You go to the slum,
meet all the nice people

eating rancid pasta
and stale cheese



bread out of the trash bins.

If you were born
Anglo-Saxon, male, and 30,

you are already handicapped.

We're going to get fired.

We can't leave
until he's done.

Life is not fair, you say.

[CHUCKLES] Doing!

Who told you it was
supposed to be fair?

Wait!

You're-- you're at a slot
machine in Vegas for eight

solid hours, losing your ass.

A little old lady comes
in, sits down beside you,

puts three quarters
in one machine.

Jackpot.

Nobody ever said life is
like a box of chocolates.

Well, OK.

Maybe somebody did say that.

But that's still no excuse
for bitching and whining

about how unfair life is.

OK, it's time for
you turds to go

back to your monotonous lives.

Until next time, think it.

Be it.

Do it.

Now get out of my sight.

And drive carefully.

You know how I worry.

[PHONES RINGING]

I'm sure you realize,
Mrs. [INAUDIBLE],,

that "The Los Angeles Badger"
is the best paper for the money.

And you get all the
news, sports, weather,

and entertainment that
you could possibly want,

and it's only for pennies a day.

And not only that, you
get the political updates

and the stock market information
at the turn of a page.

Now how much would you
expect to pay for all that?

I don't know what
else I can tell you

about this wonderful paper
that I haven't already told

you for the last 10 minutes.

But if you'd like,
I'll repeat it.

Not to mention that we're
the only newspaper in Los

Angeles that gives you these
annoying phone calls 13 times

a month.

That was a close one.

Girl, I told you we'd be OK.

Oh, by the way, thank you for
coming with me to my class.

How'd you did like it?

Mm, it's not really for me.

Didn't you feel that power?

Didn't you feel the surge?

Sitting through two
hours while some man

rants and raves is not my
idea of excitement, Tess.

It's not supposed
to be exciting.

It's supposed to help you
become a better person.

What, value?

You can't find a better paper
than the "Los Angeles Badger."

And our newsprint is
made with a special ink

that comes from the Bohemian
Mountains of Prague.

It has a special patent vitamin
content that actually improves

your eyesight as you read.

Man, this day is dragging.

Why is it that everybody
who sounds intelligent wants

nothing to do with our
paper and the people

willing to buy our
paper sound illiterate?

Tess?

Hm?

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Still thinking
about Phil, huh?

He never missed my G-spot.

And he always put
the toilet seat down.

I'm never going find
another guy like him again.

It's been a month, Tess.

You gotta get over it.

Gee, look.

I'm sorry.

I know that wasn't
real sensitive.

No.

I mean, you're right.

He was a jerk.

OK.

I'm not going to dwell on it.

Good.

[SIGHS]

I bet his new
girlfriend is real ugly

and has the IQ of the back
wall of a handball court

and has a big, droopy butt.

I'm glad you're not
going to dwell on it.

Just the residue
of my venting.

Hey, you want to go
to the movies tonight?

The Panorama's playing
"The Scent of a Woman 2--

The Next Aroma."

Oh, gee, I'd love to, but Dave
and I are going out tonight.

Oh.

Hey, why don't
you come with us?

Nah.

I don't want to
intrude on you two.

You wouldn't be intruding.

I want you to come.
- Really?

Yeah.

I'd love to.

Great.

We'll pick you up at 7:00.

If you don't think
Dave will mind?

Are you kidding?

Dave loves you just
as much as I do.

God, she pisses me off.

Dave, she's my friend.

Well, why is it,
whenever I want

to spend quality time with you,
she's got some sort of crisis

in her life?
- Stop it.

She does not.

[SCOFFS] Remember when I
took us to Felines on Ice?

She called you two minutes
before we were leaving

and kept you on the phone
nearly half an hour.

Her mother died.

She needed someone to talk to.

Her mother died
two years earlier.

But the reality
had just set in.

She's a very deep person.
- Oh, yeah.

She's about as
deep as a pie pan.

Every time she gets
a hangnail, she's

got to find some sort of support
group to get her through it.

Dave, be nice, OK?

She's feeling a little
vulnerable right now because

of her breakup with Phil.

Didn't that happen,
like, a month ago?

Yes, but she's
depressed today.

So why can't she
go to one of her

12-step programs or something?

What are you tense about?

I'm not tense.

Every time you're tense,
you tug on your earlobe.

Now what is it?

Look, I'm out with
my two best friends

and I want tonight
to be special.

It is special.

And you're special.

Mm.

[LAUGHS]

Ew, honey, that
bathroom was disgusting.

And you should seen
what was lingering

around the toilet tank.

Ooh, it looked like a roadkill.

And the lady in the
stall next to me,

she had to be working
on a double flusher.

I haven't heard less grunts
at a teamster convention.

You folks ready to order?

Let's see what will slide
most comfortably down my colon.

Excuse me, miss.

There's no smoking allowed
in this restaurant.

I'm not smoking aloud.

I'm smoking very quietly.

Could you give us a minute?

We haven't decided yet.

I'm so glad you
could join us tonight.

Oh, I'm glad too.

I was just worried
that I'd be intruding.

You intrude?

Don't be silly, OK?

Yeah, don't be silly.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGS]

Sorry.

[PHONE CHIRPS]

Hello?

Oh, what are you, kidding me?

Oh, god.
DAVE: Not her again.

It's Phil.

And look what he's wearing!
Oh!

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!
- OK.

OK.

Bye-bye.

Calm down, OK?

That was the salon.

I've got to go into work Sunday.

I'm not looking forward to it.

Scrappy Gerstel
booked an appointment.

Who's Scrappy Gerstel?

You don't want to know.

TESS: Oh, god.
Oh, Jesus.

Good lord.
Oh, god.

Oh, god.

So now she's becoming
a religious fanatic?

MELANIE: Relax, OK?

Breathe.

That's good.

Very good.
TESS: Oh, my god.

He's coming over to the table.
Quick, hide me.

Hi.

How's it hanging?

It's not.

Thanks for asking.

Hi, guys.

Nice to see you, Phil.

Some coincidence, huh, us,
uh, meeting here like this?

Tess, can we talk for a minute?

So talk.

Privately?

Look, whatever
you have to say,

you can say it in
front of my friends.

- I just want to say I'm sorry.
- For what?

For everything.

I was kind of hoping we
could remain friends.

Were we ever
really friends, Phil?

I'd like to think so.

[CHUCKLES] Friends.

Hm?

Let's see.

Melanie, would you
shit on my head?

What?

Would you shit on my head?

No, I don't think so.

And Dave, would you
shit on Melanie's head?

I think we're ready to order.
Waiter!

Ha!
Of course not.

You see, friends don't
shit on friends' heads.

But you, on the other hand,
Phil, you shit on mine,

didn't you?
- It wasn't as though--

It was as though.

You took a big chunky, lumpy
dump smack dab on my head,

and I'm still picking
the corn out of my hair.

You know, the veal
scampellini looks great.

Now you come over here
with this [INAUDIBLE] story

about wanting to be friends?

Nigga, you got a lot of nerve.

Forget it.

I thought I'd be civilized,
come over here, and be polite.

Well, you weren't too
polite about a month ago

when you pulled your pants
down and took a steamer right

on my head, now, were you?
- Look--

Why don't you just
go back over there

with your "Sports
Illustrated" cover

and keep your shit
out of my life?

I'm sorry, guys.

Look at her.

She looks like a
"Playboy" centerfold.

She even looks airbrushed.

You ready to order?

Why don't you just
put a big sign on her

that says "will suck for food."

I will have the
roasted chicken, please.

Yeah, I'll have the same.

Tess?
- Yeah.

I'll have whatever you
guys are going to have.

Would you prefer
white or dark meat?

Now what kind
of crack is that?

There is no divine scheme.

If there was a divine scheme,
would Madonna have a career?

Are you ready to go back to
your miserable little lives

and try to make some changes?

Well, you better try.

Because in a world of
movers and shakers,

you ain't even rattles.

Now, I know some of
you think I'm a bit

abrasive to you dog farts.

How's the saying go?

You can catch more
flies with sugar

than you can with vinegar, huh?

Well, you can lay out
your sugar and your honey.

Me, I'll put out
a big pile of shit

and watch the swarm come in.

This lecture's over.

Get out of my sight.

Something is amiss
in your life, isn't

it, my little phlegm residue?

I'm OK.

I think not.

Something is troubling you.

Tell Rashone what it is.

It's nothing.

You know, usually,
when one says,

it's nothing, that usually means
monkey smegma has disrupted

the serenity of their lives.

It's just been a lousy month.
It's no big deal.

I'm fine.

No, no, no, no.

Rashone does not see fine.

Rashone sees turmoil.

Have you been using the
teachings of this class?

It's got nothing to
do with your class.

My boyfriend dumped me about
a month ago for a blonde.

I ran into him last
night at the restaurant.

It just kind of bummed me out.

It's no big deal.

I'm over it.

Do you wish him back?

Hell no.

That's what the mind says.

What does the heart say, though,
my little butterfly perp?

My heart wishes you'd
stop calling me names.

I call you names
because I care.

And I don't like to
see you in such pain.

Yeah, well, life is
full of pain, isn't it?

It never has to be.

Rashone can ease your
pain if you let him.

What is this?

This will grant you
your heart's desire.

Mm.

I gave up drugs in the '80s.
Thanks, but--

No, no, no, no.

It's more than a drug.

This will make your
wish come true.

Kind of small to house a
genie in there, don't you think?

This affects that
part of the brain

that alters your very essence.

I like my essence.

I pay $37 a pint for it.

If your desire
is to stop hurting,

you'll wake up wondering
why you ever cared at all.

Liquid Prozac?

[GIGGLES] Much, much more.

This is what successful people
use to move them forward.

And it's my gift to you.

OK.

Well, thanks.
I gotta get to work.

I'm late.

But beware!

Keep your thoughts pure.

If the desire is clouded,
so will be the results.

You ever think about
writing for fortune cookies?

I gotta go.

[PHONES RINGING]

MELANIE: Well, these
numbers are all

dialed at random, Mr. Washburn.

Yes, I understand that
your number's unlisted,

but we have no control over
the numbers that we get.

No problem.

I'll see that you're put
on our "don't call" list.

We got a "don't call" list?

Of course not.

[SIGHS]

I should have told that nigga
to go screw himself last night.

I think you did.

Really?

When I saw that Anna Nicole
Smith in training, everything

went blurred.

Is that normal?

Well, she was thrown
right in your face.

I mean, you had the
wind knocked out of you.

But you know it will pass.

Well, I hope this wind
passes soon, because it's

beginning to stink.

I swear to God, I am never
dating another white man again.

Come on, now.

Let's not condemn the
entire white race.

Anyway, you've got
to get over this.

It's going to make you sick.

I know, I know.
OK.

I'm through talking about it.

MELANIE: Good.

And our comics section
is so bright and vivid,

you'll swear you were looking
right at the artist's canvas.

And the paper it's printed
on is made from the finest wood

taken from the
rainforest of Milan

which is sprayed lightly with
the urine of virgin greyhounds.

She looked like a
hooker, didn't she?

MELANIE: Who?

Phil's new receptacle.

I thought we weren't
talking about him anymore.

I'm not.

I'm talking about her now.

Did you see the way
that Dave was even

staring at that bleached bitch?

Dave wasn't looking at her.

You didn't notice it?

Well, even if he
was looking at her,

she's a very attractive woman.

She's a very
attractive white woman.

Nothing gets past you.

Oh, come on, Mel.

I mean, haven't you
noticed how white men

treat white women differently.

Hell, even black men treat
white women differently.

Phil did it.

You can bet Dave's
going to do it too.

Well, Dave treats
all women the same.

TESS: Bullshit.

If some gorgeous
blond bimbo came

jiggling her way up to him,
he'd cling to her like boogers

under the table.

Christ, Tess.

I just had oysters for lunch.

Now, look.

I understand that
you're upset about Phil,

but that's no reason for
you to drag Dave down.

TESS: I'm sorry.

I'm just cramping, that's all.

Period?

More like an
exclamation point.

I don't know how I'm going
to make it through the day.

Ugh.

Say, do you have any, um
breath mints or anything?

My mouth's a little
pasty from lunch.

Check my purse.

I think I have some
Binaca in there.

Ugh.

Where's the expiration
date on this thing?

TESS: Does he say he loves you?

What do you think?

I ain't never heard him.

Oh, so he has to say
it in front of you for it

to be valid.

How long y'all
been together now?

MELANIE: Six months.

He'd have said it by now.

Some men just
aren't very verbal.

Sure.

Has he introduced
you to his family?

MELANIE: What does that
have to do with anything?

He hasn't, has he?

[SIGHS]

I know what I'm
talking about, girl.

It has happened to me too many
times to call it a coincidence.

See, we're the ones
they like to play with--

you know, have fun
with, fuck with.

But when it comes to taking
somebody home to Mommy,

they naturally take
that Ozzie and Harriet

"girl next door" route.

You know, you're
just a little paranoid.

[POLICE SIRENS]

TESS: Hey, what'd you do?
- I don't know!

License and
registration, please?

What did I do wrong, officer?

Failed to signal
on the last turn.

She was in the
turnout lane, Ponch.

Where the hell else
could she have gone, up?

Nobody's talking
to you, ma'am.

Thank you.

Don't make this any worse.

So you were in the turnout
lane without signaling.

Big deal.

Do you have to Miss
Assertive all the time?

I'm also citing you for
an expired registration.

TESS: Oh, come on, Kojak.

What'd they do, close down
your favorite donut shop?

May I see your
identification, please?

May I ask why?

Would you just show them your
identification so we can go?

Don't you ever get tired
of having yourself around?

What are you doing?

I'm citing you, Miss
Peterson, for failure

to wear your seat belt.
Sign here, please.

Thank you.

You all put your seat belt on.

[CAR STARTS]

See, this is the time I
wish we had a video camera.

Can't we, like, sue
him for violating

our civil rights or something?

Shit.

I hope, in another life,
he comes back as the hair

between some man's butt cheeks.

Let it go, would you, Tess?

TESS: It's a fine example of how
we're being screwed by the man.

You're not going to turn that
into a racial issue, are you?

Come on.

Two black girls in a nice
neighborhood in a nice car?

Shit, he probably thought
we stole it or something.

Him stopping us was just a
subtle way of checking us out.

You are a little paranoid.

And you're a little naive.

I heard a really funny
one today at the salon.

This guy goes into the
podiatrist to get the warts

removed from his feet.

Mm-hmm.

So after the operation,
the doctor comes in and says,

I got some good news for
you and I got some bad news.

He says, the bad news is, we
had to amputate your feet.

The guy says, oh,
my god, he says.

That's terrible, he says.

What's the good news?

He says, well, the good news is,
the patient in the other room

wants to buy your shoes.

[LAUGHS]

- [CHUCKLES]
- What?

Are you OK?

I've had a slight
stomach ache all afternoon.

Are you pregnant?

Oh, listen, by the way,
leave tomorrow night open.

I got us two tickets
to that play, "Florence

and Normandie Follies."

I never heard of that one.

Yeah, it's a musical romantic
comedy set against the backdrop

of the LA riots.

Sounds great.

Yeah, I got the, uh, tickets
from a client at the salon.

Yeah, she works
at Ticket Rippers.

She had a couple extra ones,
so she gave them to me.

Oh?

Well, actually, she
asked me to go, but--

but after I declined,
she gave me both tickets.

That was really
generous of her.

Was she blonde?

Well, she is now.
Why?

Dave, do you find me attractive?

Yeah of course I do.

Well, would you
say that I'm just

as attractive as all the women
that you work with all day?

I'd say you're
twice as attractive.

Are you patronizing me?

Of course I am.

[LAUGHS] But I still
find you attractive.

Why are you asking?

Well, you know, Tess
and I were talking today--

Oh, shit.

Maybe that's why
your stomach aches.

I mean, what'd she do
this time, take you to one

of those prickly heat seminars?

Can I ask you something else?

How come I've never
met your family?

My family lives in Baltimore.

Well, do they know about me?

DAVE: Of course they do.

What have you told them?

I told them you were smart.

I said that you were pretty.

Do they know I'm black?

I-- I don't remember
if I mentioned that.

I mean, that's
not even an issue.

Why isn't an issue, Dave?

Because it doesn't matter
to you or because you're

a little self-conscious of it?

You know, Tess says that when
you're dating a white man--

You see, that's what
pisses me off about Tess.

You see, her white boyfriends
dump her for white women,

so naturally, being
representative of my race,

she rags on me.

I mean, has she ever
stopped to think

that maybe they dump her
because she's a pain in the ass?

Look, just forget about
I brought it up, OK?

Fine.

What if some gorgeous
blonde came onto you?

What?

You're in the salon or
some place and some drop

dead gorgeous blonde just
starts to come onto you?

What then?

How old is she?

It was a joke, OK?

Listen.

I have beautiful women
coming onto me in the salon

all the time.

It means nothing.

You never say you love me.

I say it all the time!

No you don't.

You write it in the cards
you buy me, the notes

that you send me, but you
never actually say it, Dave.

Verbally, never.

You know, what-- what
difference does it make?

I mean, actions speak
louder than words.

OK.
OK, look.

I love you, OK?

Gee, next time, you
really ought to try it

without the cue cards.

[SIGHS] What does it take
to get him to really care?

I wish I could be sure
he really loved me.

[SPITS]

Oh.

OK, stay calm.

You're obviously having
some kind an acid flashback.

I'm a living, breathing
organism standing on this Earth

having a mental attack.

I am a living, breathing
organism standing on this Earth

having a mental attack.

I am a living,
breathing organism

standing on this Earth--

OK.

This is obviously a very
intense acid flashback.

[LAUGHS] This is not real.

My name is Melanie Welles.

I'm 29 years old.

I'm a living, breathing
organism on this Earth.

[PHONE RINGING]

And I'm getting a phone
call from another living,

breathing organism
on this Earth.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

TESS (ON PHONE):
Hey, Mel, you'll

never guess what happens.

I went to the Stugot
Club last night

and started talking
to this male stripper.

It turns out that
he just got out

of a bad relationship and he--
[PHONE BEEPS]

Mel?

Are you there?

Tess-- Tess, hi.

I'm glad you in, girl.

Check this out.

We hit it off like gangbusters.

First, we went and had
drinks and then we danced

until 2:00 in the morning.

Mm.

Then he drove me home and
we just talked for hours.

We did a little bit of hugging
and kissing, but no tongues.

Girl, you know, he didn't
even try to get into my pants.

That's a classy man.

I bet he puts the seat down.

Tess, can you come
over here right away?

TESS (ON PHONE): Come over?

Did you just hear what I said?

I said I was up until
5:00 in the morning.

And besides that, I
can't leave the house.

I look like shit
and I ain't dressed.

MELANIE (ON PHONE): Tess,
please, I need you here!

For what?

I-- I am having some kind of
a psychotic episode and I really

need a friend here right now.

TESS (ON PHONE): Mel,
it's Sunday morning.

Can't this wait until this
afternoon or something?

Tess, please!
I need you here now!

TESS (ON PHONE): OK!

All right.

You just stay away
from sharp objects.

[KNOCKING]

MELANIE: Tess, is that you?

No, it's Whoopi Goldberg.

You gonna let me in or what?

MELANIE: The door's open.

Leave it off!

What?

MELANIE: Please
turn the light off.

What is this,
hide-and-go-seek?

MELANIE: Tess, I need you to
be honest and objective for me.

Now, I don't know if
I'm losing my mind

or if I just ate a bad
scallop last night,

but I need you to be as
objective as you can be.

Where are you and
what are you doing?

MELANIE: Listen, I need you to
sit down and close your eyes.

What?
MELANIE: Please, Tess!

Just sit down and
close your eyes!

This better not be no
surprise birthday party.

My birthday ain't
until next month

and I hate surprise
birthday parties.

This better not be one!

MELANIE: Are your eyes closed?

Yes, my eyes are closed.

This better be good, girlfriend.

MELANIE: Get ready
to open your eyes.

For you to get me to haul
my ass all the way over here

on Sunday morning,
when I open my eyes,

I better see a naked Denzel
Washington in front of me.

OK, open your eyes.

Hello.

Am I supposed to
know who this is?

Tell me what you see, Tess.

What am I supposed
to see, sugar?

I need you to tell
me what color I am.

Plaid.

Tess, I need to
know what you see.

What do you see, child?

I-- I-- I-- I think I'm white.

Very good.

I guess that puts to rest the
myth that all blondes are dumb.

Melanie, you called me
all the way over here

on a Sunday morning to
help a confused honky?

It's me, Tess.
I'm Melanie.

[SNIFFS]

[LAUGHS] This is beautiful.

This is really beautiful.

OK, where's the camera?

This is some kind of
experiment, right?

No.

I don't know what
happened to me.

This is the way I woke up.

[LAUGHS]

OK, OK.

We've had our laugh and
this is very amusing.

But Tess is tired
and getting pissed.

Now, where's Melanie?
- Right here!

You're right, Melanie!

You have lost your
mind and you're

about to lose your friend!

Where are you?

Where-- where are you hiding?

This is not funny!

Look, I don't have
time for this!

OK, now, Farrah, I've
had enough of this.

You better produce Melanie in
three seconds or I am walking.

Jesus, Tess, what can I do
to convince you I'm Melanie?

Walk through
East LA at 3:00 AM.

What if I were to tell you
something only I would know?

You like men with hairy backs.

Oh, lucky guess.

Your first boyfriend
liked to pee in the pool.

A lot of men do that!

He did it from
the diving board!

Look, I've had enough of this!

Sometimes, during
sex, you like to be

tied up and called "Toby!"

I don't do that anymore!

- Melanie?
- Yes!

You look so frosty.

I know.

You've got blond hair and--

what big blue eyes you've got.

Came with the package.

You got pink nipples
down there too?

The whole package.

What kind of
crazy shit is this?

I'm just as
baffled as you are.

I went out to dinner
last night with Dave.

I didn't feel well.

I came home and went to bed
and I woke up this morning

and I'm Heather Locklear!

Oh.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, this is
kind of weird, Doc,

but my friend Melanie here,
she has, um, a skin condition.

SKIN DOCTOR: Oh?

And what exactly is wrong
with your skin, dear?

It's white.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, it ain't
always been white.

Oh, what color
has it always been?

- Our color?
- Our color?

Yes, yours and mine.

Yours and mine?

You know, black,
brown, chocolate, uh,

coffee, mahogany, Tootsie Roll.

Show him.

Now have you ever seen
anything like that?

And this happened
to her overnight.

This has gone far enough.

I think it's time
you left my office.

TESS: Wait a minute, Doctor!

Listen to me!

Something happened to
her to make her change!

And we came to you for help!

Look, I've know Melanie
now for 15 years.

And I'm telling you,
she is no Madonna.

Smile.

You're telling me
that this is that?

Yeah.

Any albinos in your family?

No.

Anemia?

Whooping cough?

Any relation to Michael Jackson?

Why are you fondling her hair?

I mean, what are you, getting
off on this or something, Doc?

Are you questioning my
technique, Ms. Peterson?

Maybe you would like to
hang your medical diploma

on the wall?
- Come on, Doc.

Whooping cough?

Well, it-- it's possible
that a strong cough may

have altered the pigmentation.

That is the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

Oh, and I suppose hearing
a black girl turning white

overnight is straight out
of "Good Housekeeping."

It's not his fault.
You have to admit,

this is the most bizarre thing
that ever happened to a person.

Come on, sugar.

I'm gonna buy you some lunch to
take your mind off of it, OK?

There's a "Black Angus"
right around the corner.

Sorry.

God, this is really
freaking me out.

Look how bright I
am in the sunlight.

This is hurting my eyes.

And it can't be any
good for my retinas.

And look at my skirt!

I'm going to have to take all
my clothes in in the butt.

Excuse me, ladies.

What?

You both just jaywalked
across the street.

So?
There ain't no traffic.

Jaywalking's illegal whether
there's traffic or not.

Oh, give me a break.

Another ticket?

I didn't get this many
tickets when I had a car.

Could I see some ID, please?

So my podiatry rates
are going to go up now?

Does this mean I have
to go to walking school

to get this off my record?

What if I don't pay this?

Are you gonna come to my
house and impound my shoes?

Tess, stop it!

She's-- she's just been taking
this assertiveness course.

Your ID, ma'am?

I don't have my ID with me.

You don't?

No.

You should always carry
your ID with you, miss.

I know, it's just--

it's just, I left in
a hurry this morning.

What's your name?

Melanie Welles.

I'll tell you
what, Miss Welles.

You promise not to jaywalk
again and I'll let you

and your friend go today
with just a warning.

Thank you.

God, I've never gotten
out of a ticket before.

Me either.

Mind if I check my messages?

You know, it's
incredible the way

he just let us go like that.

I mean, it was as though
he was influenced--

[GASPS] Oh, my god.
Dave called.

What am I going to tell him?

Tell him you had [INAUDIBLE].

He's never going
to believe this.

I've got to tell him in person.

Could we lighten
it a bit more?

I'd like more lightning?
- Sure.

Don't you think lightening it
more would make me look sexier?

You look sexy
whatever we do, Scrappy.

Mm.

Seems to be poofing out
more than it should.

Can-- can you lessen the poof?

Sure.

[MOANING]

Oh, you do poof better
than anyone I know.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm.

Yes.

Right there.

Oh, yes.

[SIGHS] I think I'm
ready for a blow now.

How about you?

Not today, thanks.

What are you
doing after the cut?

How-- how about we go back to my
place and we play Head Banker?

Head Banker?

And what would that be?

I open an account for you.

We watch interest rates rise.

You make a few deposits
and withdrawals.

And we close escrow.

[LAUGHS] I don't think so.

It's OK.

I'm FDIC approved.

D-I-C, anyway.

Come on, Scrappy.

You know we go through this
every time you come in here.

You know I'm seeing somebody.
- Well, so am I!

[MOANING]

Don't make me have to call
pest control, all right?

Where's Dave?

I'm sorry, he's with
a client right now.

Can I have your name?

For Christ's sakes,
Jenny, it's me!

Have you been here before?

I'm not here for a cut.

I just need to
show him something.

Oh!
- Excuse me there, sweetheart.

You know, sometimes, I get into
the way and I don't know why.

I try so hard to--
to do the job and--

Go ahead.
He's in station four.

Thank you.

Is she as good a kisser as me?

No, you're the grand
kisser of all time.

Now back off before I
handcuff you to the chair, OK?

Ooh!

Good cop, bad cop.

That's even better
than Head Banker!

That was fast.
Did you see him?

Yeah, he was
taking out the trash.

I'll catch up with him later.

Could you pour some cold
water on Scrappy Gerstel?

She's in heat again.

That lady's here to see you.

You wanted to see me, miss?

I-- uh-- uh--

Are you OK?

Dave, it's me.

It is?

You know I wasn't
this color last night.

You were here for a coloring?

Let me start again, Dave.
It's me.

I--

I hope I didn't
scare you in there.

I think you made me ruin another
panty liner, you bad boy, you.

Dave, can I talk
to you privately?

Hang on.

Uh, Scrappy, go
back to your chair.

I'm going to poke the
air out of your lips, OK?

Don't be too long.

You wouldn't want me to dry out.

Maybe we can go back and sample
my own personal cream rinse.

Scrappy, go!

Sit!

Woof.

She's something, isn't she?
Where were we again?

I'm sorry.

What is your name?

WOMAN: Free for dinner?

Uh, not tonight, beautiful.

Dinner with the little woman?

DAVE: You got it.

One day, sexy.

You're first in line.

SCRAPPY GERSTEL: I heard that!

- He's a total slut.
- I'm sorry.

What was that?

Is this what goes
on here all day long?

You've never acted
like this when

I've come to see you before.

Do you know me?

I thought I did.

I'm a little confused.

What did you say your name was?

Uh-- um--

uh, snow.

Ivory Snow.

Pleased to meet you, Miss Snow.

We'd better talk.

OK.

I'm with a client right
now, though, gorgeous,

and if I don't
finish with her soon,

I'm going to have to
Scotchgard that chair.

Dave, it's very important.

Uh, give me about 20 minutes.

There's a cafe
around the corner.

And I'll meet you
there when I'm done.

[EXHALES] Now,
about that blow dry.

Guess what, Dave.

I'm Melanie and
you're a schmuck.

No.

Um-- hey, it's me,
your girlfriend.

Um-- Dave, I don't
how to tell you this.

I'm really--

Really what?

Really glad you
made it so soon.

Scrappy gave up a little
quicker than I thought.

So how do you know me?

And what can I do for you?

Look, Dave.

I know my face may not
seem familiar to you.

And it's the most perfect
face I've ever seen.

It's just that--

what do you mean "most perfect?"

It's a very beautiful face--

you know, everything
in its proper place--

you know, just perfect.

No, I don't know.

What makes it so perfect?

Forget it.

How do you know me?

Like, why'd you come see me?

What's this all about?

Wait a minute.

I want to know what's so
perfect about my face.

It's just well laid
out, symmetrical,

clear, uh, pretty, uh--

Caucasian.

I guess.

I don't know.

Jesus.

It was just a compliment.
Lighten up.

Too late.

I have to go to the bathroom.
- OK.

[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?

MELANIE (ON PHONE):
Dave, it's Melanie.

Hey, sweetheart.

We can't go out tonight.

Why not?

I'm just still
not feeling well.

DAVE (ON PHONE): Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, can I get you anything?

MELANIE (ON PHONE): I think
I just need some rest.

Yeah, your voice does
sound a little congested.

Hey, you want me
to come by later?

No, no, not tonight.

I think I'm contagious.

[COUGHING] I'm going to
call you when I feel better.

Enjoy the play.
- Oh, I don't think I'll go now.

Really?

What fun would
it be without you?

Oh, Dave, that's so sweet.

No, you're so sweet.

Listen, you get some rest.

I'll just go home.
- Dave?

Yeah.

There's something
I want to tell you.

What?

MELANIE (ON PHONE): I have
to tell you in person.

When?

You'll see.
Goodbye.

Everything OK?

Everything's great.

Guess what.

Hey, what are
you doing tonight?

You are strong.

You are invincible.

You are woman.

Men find you irresistible.

You have style, class,
distinction, grace.

You are an elegant lady.

[KNOCKING]

Who the fuck is that?

Look, I don't know need any
more Mary Kay cosmetic products,

and I wish you
people would just--

Melanie?

Oh, baby, I am so sorry.

Are you OK?

I mean, I know you're not
OK, but is anything wrong?

I mean, I know stuff is wrong,
but is anything else wrong?

I need a drink.

Of course, baby.

What can I get you?
A White Russian?

No pun intended.

No pun received.

I saw Dave.

And he didn't accept
you the way you are.

[SCOFFS] I understand, honey.

He is dickhead to
the ninth power.

No, he wanted to be with me.

Oh!

Then that's good, huh?

He even asked me out.

TESS: Oh, well, then
you're doing fine, sugar.

Cheers.

There's just one problem.

He didn't recognize me.

Neither did I. I mean,
you do like the cover

of "Modern Cracker" magazine.

He never recognized me.

He took out another person.

I thought he was out with you.

He was with me.

But he didn't know that.

Technically, he was
with somebody else.

Well, what did he say when you
finally told him who you were?

You did tell him who
you were, didn't you?

I went to the
salon to tell him

and all these blondes were
flirting with him and--

[SIGHS]---- I wanted get
him alone alone, so we--

so I went to a cafe, and I
was going to tell him then,

but he started complimenting
me on how perfect my face was,

and then he asked me out.

He asked you out while
you were already out?

I called him to break
our date and he told me

he was going to go home.

After that, he invited
me to go out with him.

You called him
to break your date,

and you were already
out with him.

He was with a white me when he
got a call from what he thought

was the black me.

I broke our date over the phone.

After that, he asked
the white me out.

That bastard two-timed me!

Two-timed you with you?

Exactly!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

DAVE (ON PHONE): Tess,
is Melanie there?

I tried her at home, but
I just got her machine.

It's him and he's
looking for you.

[GASPS] Tell him I'm not here.

She's not here.

Nope, tell him I'm here.

She's here.

Tell him I was
here and I left.

She was here but she left.

Tell him I don't
want to talk to him.

She doesn't want
to talk to you.

Let me talk to the schmuck.

She wants to talk to you.

Hold on, schmuck.

You don't smoke.

Well, before today,
I didn't tan either.

Coach me, Tess.
You're good at being evasive.

What do I say?

Try "hello."

Yeah.

Hello?

DAVE (ON PHONE): What
are you doing there?

I thought you
weren't feeling well.

And I thought you
were going to go home.

DAVE (ON PHONE): I
decided, since I already

had the tickets,
I'd go to the show.

Really?
Who'd you take?

DAVE (ON PHONE): Just
some lady from the salon.

Who?

DAVE (ON PHONE):
Nobody important.

Are you feeling better?

No, I'm not!

You told me you weren't
going to the play!

DAVE (ON PHONE): Right.

Then I decided to go.

What's the big deal?

He's not telling me
very much about me.

Mm-hmm.

DAVE (ON PHONE): Are you OK?

You sound really strange.

I'm feeling a little--

Off-color.

DAVE (ON PHONE): What is it?

Some kind of bug?
- Yeah, yeah.

Some sort of bug.

The white plague.

I'll call you later.

Ugh!

This is so confusing!

I've got to simplify this!

For you and me both, girl.

He takes out
the white me, then

he talks to what he
thinks is the black me

and says very little
about the white me.

But the me me knows he's never
been more charming than when

he was with the white me.

You planning on
simplifying this soon?

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Who?

Hey, Ivory, how are you?

What's that, a movie?

[SCREAMS]

Dave?

Hm?

Why are you here
with me tonight?

You invited me.

Yeah, but why did you accept?
[SCREAMING]

What?

You have someone else
in your life, right?

Yeah, I do.

So you're two-timing her.

I wouldn't exactly say that.

What exactly would you say?

Shh!

[SCREAMING]

I'd say, let's
watch the movie.

I can't believe you
keep cheating on her.

You think this is cheating?

Yes, I think this is cheating.

This is not cheating.

Well, what is it then?

This is two people
watching a movie!

No, this is one person trying
to watch a movie and two people

preventing it!

It's my appearance, isn't it?

What about your appearance?

You're only here with me
tonight because of the way

I look.

No, I'm here to
watch a damn movie.

Now, there's a concept.

- What's she look like?
- Who?

Your girlfriend.

She's cute.

Actually, she's
beautiful, like you.

You know something else?

She acts a little like you too.

But she isn't--

she isn't blond like me, is she?

No, she's dark.

Can we just watch the movie now?

What a great idea.
We're in a theater.

Why not watch a movie?

I want to know why you think
she isn't good enough for you.

Who said she's not
good enough for me?

Well, if she was, you
wouldn't be going out with me!

I'm out with you because
you invited me and you

happen to be a nice person.

What if she was
seeing someone else?

If it was as harmless
as this, who cares?

It's not like we're
sleeping together.

Yeah, but you want to
sleep with me, don't you?

Why don't the two of
you just get a motel room?

What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

It looks like you're
joining an Indian tribe.

[GASPS] I have to go home now!

What about the
rest of the movie?

I've already seen it.

Her father's the killer.

Is something wrong?

Ivory?

What?

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm just thinking.

About what?

About how much
importance people

place on physical appearance.

Yeah, maybe shallow people.

And you're not like that
at all, are you, Dave?

You're interested in more
than appearances, aren't you?

What do you think?

Would you even
be interested in me

if I wasn't this blonde
Barbie doll bimbo type?

You know, Ivory, I
wish you weren't so

hung up on your looks.

I already told you
you're perfect.

And what about
your girlfriend?

Is she perfect too?

She's almost perfect.

You know, you've
complimented me

more in three days than you've
complimented her in six months.

Probably.

So this is where
you live, huh?

Yes, it is.

I-- I know somebody who
lives in this neighborhood.

Really?

Small world.

Wait a minute!

Would you tell me
what I did wrong?

At this point, it
doesn't even matter.

Well then, I guess
it's goodnight.

Son of a bitch!

What?

What did you do that for?

It was just a good night kiss!

You would never have kissed
me like that if I were black!

If you were what?

Black.

Afro-American,
Malcolm X hat wearing,

brown-eyed, full-lipped black.

Would you care as much
for me if I were black?

You're very
expressive, aren't you?

Well, your girlfriend's
black, and she obviously

isn't enough to keep you.

How do you know that?

Know what?

How do you know that
my girlfriend is black?

I-- I guessed.

You kiss like you learned
from a black woman.

Are-- are you on some kind
of doctor's prescription?

I can't believe you're
so interested in me

without even knowing
anything about me.

Hey, you don't know that much
about me, and you're here too.

I know your favorite color.

[KNOCKING]
TESS: Who the fuck is that?

Open up, Tess, it's me.

No, no, no, no, Mel.

Not tonight.

I slipped some
ginseng in his tapioca

and I just know
tonight's the night me

and Louis are going to do it.

So please, Mel, not tonight.

No, Mel!

Not tonight!

You know what that
bastard did to me?

What?
Louis did something to you?

Dave.

He kissed me.

Well then that's good, right?

That means he really loves you.

No, it's me, Ivory
Snow, remember?

He kept making all
these excuses to justify

why it was OK to be with this me
at the expense of the other me.

Look, Melanie, I do not have
time tonight for your Abbott

and Costello routine.

Tonight is too important to me!

LOUIS: Hello.

[LAUGHS] Uh, Louis.

Melanie, this is Louis.

He's a dancer at
the Stugot Club.

Isn't he a hunk?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Tess, I had Dave drop
me off at the apartment

building a few blocks down.

I knew I could call
a cab from here.

What kind of man would
treat you that way?

You shouldn't have
to take a taxi home.

[LAUGHS] Uh, Louis,
baby, did I ever show you

my Swahili spear assortment?

You're going to love this one.

I'll be with you in
just a minute, OK?

Nice meeting you, Melanie!

Mel, I'm telling you--

look, you're my friend
and I love you dearly,

but if you try to steal
Louis from me, I swear,

I'll be on you
like white on you!

I'm not trying
to steal anybody!

I just want to go home!

Look how much attention
he's giving you!

You're upstaging me again!

Will just call yourself
a cab and go home?

[PHONE BEEPING]

[SOBS]

Come here.

[SOBS] Yes, he loves me more,
and it's all because of this!

Has he said anything
bad about the other you?

Oh, no, but he's never
said anything good either.

It's like our whole
relationship hardly existed.

Well, he's just a dog.

You know what this means?

I can never trust again.

You can trust
again, just not men.

I'm going home.

Hello?

Can I get a taxi to
2453 Central Drive?

Yeah, I'll be waiting outside.

You can't miss me.

I look like a chick
from "Baywatch."

That should get him
here real quick.

I'm through with him.

You go, girl.

I'm going to
tell him tomorrow.

Why tell him anything?
Just forget him.

No.

He has to know what
a shit he's been.

He probably knows, honey.

Good job, Dave.

- Thank you, Mario.
- Thanks, man.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Have a good day.

Hello, Dave.

Hey, Ivory, how are you?

I came to tell you something.

What's that?

It's over, Dave.

What's over?

- Us.
- There was an us?

How could you be in a
relationship with someone

for almost six months
and then just dump her

for someone who has
all the same qualities

except she's a different race.

I never dumped anybody.

But you never
told her about me.

Why?
You got something to hide?

Of course not.

So she'd understand if
you told her we went out.

Sure, she would.

- So why don't you tell her?
- Fine.

You know what?

Next time I speak to
her, I'll tell her all

about our platonic adventures.

You happy know?

What makes us so
different, Dave?

This is insane.

You two are entirely
different people.

So are you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, Dave.

DAVE (ON PHONE): Ivory?

No, Melanie.

Who's Ivory?

Hey, sweetheart.

How are you?

God, I've missed you.

Hey, when am I going to see you?

Soon.

Who's Ivory.

No one.

MELANIE (ON PHONE): No one.

What have you been up to lately?

This and that, you know.

Do anything exciting?

Not really.

Make any new friends?

I'm always making new friends.

- Anyone special?
- Wait a minute.

What are you getting at?

MELANIE (ON PHONE):
You figure it out.

You know, I'll never
understand the female woman

for as long as live.

I had a "grill-friend"
and everything.

[SCOFFS] Now girl number one
is pissed off at me and girl

number two is pissed off at me.

Now I don't got nothing.

You have me.

Can you cook?

Why don't you just
go back to number one?

Because she won't have me.

Bring her some
flowers and candy

and tell her how
much you miss her.

It's just that it's
all so confusing.

DRUNK: You love number
one girl, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's why she's number one.

Otherwise, she'd
be number two.

Number two?

Hoo, that'd be shitty.

[LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

Get back your [INAUDIBLE].

Yeah.

Hey, you know, you're
a pretty smart fella.

I know women.

They can't resist class.

[BURPS]

You know, you're right.

I love her!

I just got side-swiped.

Bartender, drinks for everybody!

[GRUNTS]

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

It's Dave, honey.

[GASPS] Dave, what
are you doing here?

It's 3:00 in the morning!

I really need to see you.

Call me tomorrow!

No, I need to see you now.

Open the door!

I'm still sick!

Go away!

I don't care.

Open the door or I'll
stay here all night long

and I'll sing old
Dean Martin tunes.

(SINGING) Everybody
loves somebody sometime.

MELANIE: Just a minute.

What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Melanie?

MELANIE: I said,
give me a minute.

What do you want?

Melanie, it's good
to see you again.

What is it?

These are for you.

Sweet and lovely.

They're sticky.

I puked on them earlier.
Sorry.

Binky.

I've come to talk
straight to you.

Straight?

Terrific.

You know, I think
straight talk is

the best kind of talk there is.

Too many people are
into this curvy talk.

Stop moving around.

I'm not.

I meant the room.

- Why are you drunk?
- Does it show?

You know I'm not a bullshitter.

I always felt that
the best approach

was the honest approach.

Have you now?

You know, I guess
that's just what

makes you so damned honorable.

Melanie, I love you.

Oh?

Are you hearing
what I'm saying?

I said I love you!

Isn't that what you
always wanted me to say?

Isn't that what you
always wanted to hear?

What happened
to the Barbie doll

you've been going
out with all week?

Have you been following me?

You know, it's not exactly
like you've been discreet.

What do you expect when you take
her places where we used to go,

where friends see you?

You know, she
approached me at the salon

and started coming onto me.

I have no interest in her!

She was coming onto you.

I only went out with
her because you've

been avoiding me all week.

I think my meeting
her was sort of--

was like some kind of
divine intervention.

She came in and out of
my life for a reason.

And that reason was to
show me how much I miss you

and love you.

Melanie, let's start
over again, OK?

No lies.

No deceit.
OK?

I have to tell you something.

No words.

You did it with that
shit all over your face?

It was quite a mess.

TESS: He couldn't
tell the difference?

I mean-- I mean, he
didn't notice your hair?

He never took the
towel off my head.

I'm not talking
about your head.

[CHUCKLES] What
about this morning?

I left before he woke up.

It was so wonderful, Tess.

He had never been so romantic.

I mean, he actually told me
he loved me, and he meant it.

You know, I don't
know why you're

gonna let him back in your life
after the way he treated you.

He wanted me.

And actually, I think the
whole thing was some sort

of divine intervention.

Divine what?

Divine intervention.

I prayed for Dave to love
me and-- and now, he does.

I mean, he really wants me now.

Of course he's going
to want the black you

after the white you dumped him.

What did you expect?

He pursued Melanie.

That the one he came back to--

Melanie, not Ivory.

Hey, moron.

He can't reach Ivory, remember?

You won by default.

You're just jealous.

Anyway, I'm meeting
him tomorrow and I'm

going to tell him the truth.

And then it won't
matter anymore.

You honestly believe
he loves you or Ivory?

You didn't see him
last night, Tess.

OK.

Prove it to yourself.

Prove what?

Before you tell him
the truth, tell him

you had second thoughts
and you want him back.

Lay it on him real heavy.

And then if he loves
you, he'll tell Ivory

Snow to take a hike for good.

I don't have to
prove anything.

I've deceived him long enough.

Hm.

Well then you just spend
the rest of your days

always in doubt.

You know, that's the
difference between you

and me, Tess.

You doubt everything.

You don't trust anyone.

I trust people, just not men.

Look, you pretend you want
him as Ivory Snow and I'll bet

he'll dump Melanie faster than
a seven-pound turd passing

through a paper asshole.

I'm through
playing games, Tess.

I'm going to tell him the truth.

I'm glad you were
willing to meet

with me on such short notice.

Yeah, well, you know, you
made it sound so urgent.

Look, I don't have much
time, so what is it?

I have a question to ask you.

And after I do, I have
a surprise for you.

Really?

So what's the question.

Do you love me?

What?

Tell me you want me.

[STAMMERING] I don't under--

You've thought
about me, haven't you?

Hm?

Well, yeah, sure, I mean,
but-- but things are different.

How are they different?

They just are.

Say I'm the only one for you.

It would mean so much to me.

Listen, I can't
say that stuff.

Oh, please.
Please.

No.
No.

I'm not going to say that.

- Please?
- OK, OK, fine.

You know what?
You're the only one for me.

You bastard!

What the hell is with you?

What's with me is that
you're not to be trusted!

How can you say that I'm
the only one for you?

You begged me to say it!

Oh, and I suppose
you just do anything

that a white woman asks you to!

Let me go!

You know, I thought
you were sincere.

I thought you really loved me.

I never would have
made love to you if I

knew how two-faced you were!

Did I miss something here?

[PHONE RINGING]

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Hello?

Yeah, I'm looking
for Ivory Snow.

Her name doesn't seem
to be on the index.

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Who?

Ivory Snow.

I can't find her name here.

MAN (ON INTERCOM): There's
no one here with that name.

Are you sure?

MAN (ON INTERCOM):
I'm sorry, sir.

We have no one living
here with that name.

OK, thank you.

[MOANING]

Was that good for you, baby?

It was great.

Well, what were
you thinking about?

I was thinking about you.

Were you really?

Because, uh, it seemed like
you were a little distracted.

No.
No, I was-- I was fine.

It's my friend Melanie.

You were thinking
about her, weren't you?

Who's Melanie?

The blonde that was
here the other day.

Don't tell me you
don't remember.

Tess, why would I be
thinking about her?

Because she's
blonde and white.

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard!

We've never talked about
your last relationship.

Was she white too?

I don't think that
really matters, but no.

Really?

Really.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.

[CHUCKLES] I guess I was
just a little suspicious.

I mean, my last boyfriend
dumped me for a white girl.

Sorry to hear that.

Yeah, and to top it
off, my girlfriend gets

dumped for a white girl too.

Really?

Who ?

Melanie

No, I mean the black
girl who got dumped.

Melanie.

[KNOCKING]

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Where am I?

This isn't my apartment.

Don't-- don't-- don't do this.

I'm in no mood for any
more of your bullshit.

I want to know what's
going on with you two,

and I want to know now.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Here, how about I put it
in writing for you, huh?

You tell me how
Melanie Welles's ticket

found its way into your purse.

And while you're
working on that little

lie, why don't you tell me
why your name's not listed

on the apartment directory,
why the manager there has never

heard of you, why you're
not listed in any telephone

book, why you're not
registered at the DMV,

and why you don't have a
social security number.

You've been busy.

Who are you?

I mean, what do you do?

Who are your friends?

Why did you come up
to me in the salon?

I mean, I know
nothing about you.

Yeah, you know
nothing about me.

And yet you fell for me.

Pretty weird, huh?

Fell for you?

Where did you get this
"fell for you" thing?

You asked me out
the first day we met.

You kissed me in
your parked car.

And yesterday, you told me
I'm the only one for you.

I had two tickets to a show,
I made a big mistake in my car,

and I said you were the only one
for me to get you off my back,

not to mention my lap.

Yeah, but you wanted
me and you know it.

You just couldn't resist
my soft, white skin and

my long, flowing blonde hair.

You gotta be the most
conceited person I know.

I mean, I've met
actresses with less egos.

Don't give me this
"holier than thou" shit.

I'm this way because of you.

You're what way because of me?

You didn't love me--

I mean Melanie.

She was just your little black
toy until something white

came along.

And when I did, you
just tossed her aside.

I never tossed anyone aside.

You just want me because
I'm gorgeous and white.

Admit it.

You are so full of yourself,
it's incredibly sickening.

Oh, and you're not?

You don't know
anything about me.

I know you're someone
who has to have the best

of everything--
the best clothes,

the best cars, the best women.

You categorize yourself
as one of the best women?

You do too.

And you put Melanie in a class
below that because she's black?

You do that too.

Don't even put
me in your league!

I mean, I don't know if
she put you up to this

or if you're some sort
of freelance bitch.

But you and Melanie
can both go to hell.

You know what?
Fine.

We don't need you.

I sure as hell don't.

The way I look, I can
get any man like that.

Well, there's no
doubt about that.

But let me give you a
little reality injection.

You may be beautiful,
sweetheart,

but you're the ugliest
woman I ever met.

Yeah, he said his last
relationship was black,

but I don't know
if I believe him.

MELANIE: Why wouldn't
you believe him?

Because I don't think
he's into black women.

Why do you think that?

Well, when we were making
love late last night,

he was fantasizing
about somebody else.

I can tell when they do that.
I don't know.

Maybe it was his sex.

And I bet she was white.

All men aren't like Phil.

- No, some are like Dave.
- Shut up.

My mouth's getting dry.

You got any candy?

There's breath
freshener in my purse.

You got anything fresher?

This stuff tastes
like old socks.

- That's not breath freshener.
- It's not?

Nah, it was given to me
by my assertive instructor.

For what, insect repellent?

- This stuff is terrible.
- No, no.

He said it would help
you achieve your--

Your what?

Wait a minute.

Did you take this stuff?

Yes, and it was awful.

Before you turned white?

Yeah, the other day at work.

No, this couldn't be.

What?

He said that it
will help you be

what you need to be to
achieve your heart's desires.

Your what?

Melanie, your heart's
desire was to have

Dave love you more, right?

You turned white and he did.
- Come on.

That doesn't make sense.

It's the only thing
that does make sense!

I mean, you drank this
wanting Dave to love you more.

The next day, you turned white!

You can't tell me this
came out of a bottle.

There's only one
way to find out.

You're through with Dave, right?

Totally.

So you just take
another swig of this

and you'll change black again.

I'm not taking any
more of that crap.

Melanie, think about it.

I mean, if this changed you,
it could change you back.

I told you, I'm not drinking
any of that terrible stuff.

Well, was your heart's desire
to have Dave love you more

or to turn white?

Oh, what do you think?

Well, I think you
prefer yourself this way.

White, black, I'm still me.

Well, I don't know
who you are anymore.

You want to know who I am?

I'm a woman who's been
trying her whole life

to be treated equally.

But you know what, Tess?

We're not equal.

We can't be.

We're all part of a
random card game in which

everyone expects four aces.

Well, the reality is,
not everyone gets them.

You get what you're dealt.

Really?

Well, I've been
given a new deal.

And for the first
time, I know what it's

like to have a winning hand.

Man, Melanie, you're starting
to sound like a racist.

Let me put it into
perspective for you.

Someone goes into
a car lot looking

for a red car with specific
options and accessories.

And they find a car that has
all the options, but it's blue.

Now, even though they
prefer the red car,

they settle for the
blue one, because that's

what's currently available.

Well, I was like that blue car.

And Dave loved me
because I had all

the options and accessories.

But he really wasn't getting
the outer package he preferred.

Well, now, I'm a red car.

This red car needs to get
her white ass into a garage,

because you need a
fucking overhaul!

I mean, you defended
a man who treated you

badly because of your color!

Come on, Tess.

Ask yourself why red cars
are the ones most stolen.

Sunscreen?

I don't know
why you left Dave.

You've got more in common
with him than you think.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nigga, you take a long,
hard look into those blue eyes

of yours and you ask
yourself if you don't

like yourself better now too.

We're still friends, Tess!

Nothing can change that!

I'm Melanie's friend.

You're Ivory Snow.

And I don't know you.

TESS: (ECHOING) I'm
Melanie's friend!

DAVE: (ECHOING) You may
be beautiful, sweetheart,

but you're the ugliest
woman I ever met.

TESS: (ECHOING) You're Ivory
Snow and I don't know you.

(SOBBING) No more!

No more of this.

Wait for me!

Do you ever wish I was white?

What?

Louis, you're the
nicest man I've ever met.

And I really want to be
what you want me to be.

But be honest with me.

Would you like me
more if I was white?

Tess, that's silly.

I'm not going to answer that.

You're not going to
answer it because you

don't think I can change.

But if I could, you'd like
me more, wouldn't you?

Sure, you would.

MELANIE (ON ANSWERING
MACHINE): Melanie where's

the vial of the potion I had?

I have it and I took more.

You what?

(SOBBING) And I'm
still white, Tess.

You were right.

I guess I don't even
want to be black.

You took more of my potion?

Tess, I lost you and I
lost Dave, the two most

important people in my life.

But what's worse
is, I lost myself.

I want to be real again,
Tess, and I can't.

I don't even know
what's real anymore.

I wish I were dead.

Melanie!
Shit!

Son of a bitch!

[AMBULANCE SIREN]

So you need to get
in there right away!

I already told you--

Listen!

I-- I don't understand!

What's going on?

What happened?

She really loved you,
you son of a bitch,

and then you just shit on her!

What are you talking about?

She took more of that potion
and now she wants to be dead!

What potion?

Are you her husband?

I'm her boyfriend.

What happened?

Some sort of poisoning.

Is she going to be OK?

We're doing all
we can right now,

but we're having
trouble identifying

the type of poison she took.

That's why we gotta
get in there right now!

I already told you,
no one can go in there.

You listen to me, Dr. Quinn,
medicine woman, if you don't

let us in there right
now, you'll be wearing

your stethoscope for a tail!

[BEEPING]

What is this?

I thought you said
it was Melanie.

You don't want
to die, Melanie.

Just say it.

Say you don't want to die.

What's going on here?

Are you in on this thing too?

Tell her that you
love her, you bastard!

Tell her you love her!

I don't love her.

You have to tell
her you love her or--

or-- or she'll die!

Just tell her or she'll die!

DAVE: Don't play
games with me, Tess!

[INAUDIBLE]

I'm here, Melanie.

Melania, I'm-- I'm--
we're both here.

Mel, please.

Say you don't want to die.

Please, Melanie.

Say you don't want to die.

Why do you keep
calling her Melanie?

I know this is
hard for you believe,

but that is your girlfriend
laying in that bed right there!

Look, Melanie took a
drug that makes people

be what they need to be
to get what they want.

And after she took the
drug, she turned white,

because that was
the only way to get

your racist ass to accept her!

You expect me to
buy this horseshit?

Dave?

What, Ivory?

I'm Melanie.

No, you're delirious.

Listen, Ivory, I'm sorry
about everything that I said.

But I was worried about Melanie.

Be worried about her!

She is Melanie!

Look, let's try to talk
intelligently here, OK?

We don't have much time!

OK.

OK, I'm going to appeal
to your intelligence.

Why did you rush
to the hospital?

Because I was
worried about Melanie.

And why were you
worried about Melanie?

Because you called and
told me she was dying!

And why would you care if
she lives or if she dies,

you dumb fuck?

Because I love her, goddammit!

This is getting nowhere.

TESS: Wait.

What's happening?

She's "re-nigging."

You really do love me.

Welcome back, girlfriend.

Look out, baby.

Here comes Snow White!

[MOANING]

I love you.

I know.

[GIGGLES]

How come you didn't
tell me about this

when it first happened?

Why did you make up Ivory?

Well, I thought that you
were so infatuated with me

when I was white.

Well, I couldn't understand it.

So I got pissed.

Yeah, but did you ever
think that the reason

I was infatuated
was because, inside,

you were the same person?

Well, I know that now.

[LAUGHTER]

[MOANING]

Do us both a favor, would you?

Hm?

Next time Tess offers you
something out of her purse,

please turn it down.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Who could that be at
this time of the morning?

Who is it?
TESS: It's me.

Tess?

Look what it took for that
son of a bitch to desire me.

Isn't she a hunk?

[MUSIC PLAYING]