Colin Quinn & Friends: A Parking Lot Comedy Show (2020) - full transcript

Governor Cuomo
ordering barbershops,

bowling alleys, and hundreds
of other businesses

across the state
to close by Saturday night.

I love stand-up
and I love stand-ups.

And this COVID
shut us down good.

You thought you got rid of us,
didn't you?

Well, surprise!

I went to HBO Max

'cause I wanted to do a thing
about comedians

based around a live show
and all the preshow stuff,

because people never get to see
the inside world



of the process of comedians,

unless they've listened to any
podcasts in the last 10 years.

My dad and his friends probably
threw bodies off these rocks.

Hold on. There's waves crashing.

It's throwing me off.

My friend Rich Vos
is my choice to host.

It was a no-brainer.

And so is he, coincidentally.

Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

Afterwards, you're high
for like a half hour.

I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

What are you gonna do,
tell 'em you had a stroke?

They gonna get out the car
and stand.

And I know
there's bigger problems



than a bunch of comedians
can't perform,

but so what?

You aren't an essential worker,
either,

- so shut it.
- No more shows.

- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Yeah.

Same with me. Same
with you and same with you.

And we need to talk to strangers

just like you need to breathe.

Even this voiceover I'm doing
right now is giving me pleasure.

It's a sickness, I know,
but that's the way it is.

Hey, am I going long?
That's the other comedian move.

You're so used to working, like,

if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

I don't know why
I said yes to this,

'cause I've been
doing good in life.

Since March, it's like
I don't even know

what I can say at all anymore.

Tonight, we're gonna have
nine comedians

and one host
performing for 40 cars.

Now, the host...

Is it gonna be safe? Yes.

Can I ask one serious question?

I know you're a doctor,
corona's very serious.

Out of all of us right now,

who would you most hope gets it?

Is it gonna be good?

Depends on
your definition of good.

Is the name of the special
"Colin Quinn: Abusive Friend"?

Did you pitch a prank show
to HBO Max, or...?

So you want some highs
and some lows.

Can you see them well enough
to make eye contact

with them and stuff?

Oh, okay, so they'll be,
like, smiling and...

Hello.

I want to get iced coffee.

I'd take a coffee.
No iced coffee?

What? Come on. The fuck is this?

I'm directing.
I don't have time for that.

Say "directing" one more time.

Say it one more time.

You don't mind
my directing debut?

Well, you keep saying
"directing."

You do say it like you're trying
to convince yourself.

"I am a director, I am!"

When you see this special,
you're gonna say, "Oh, my God."

Earlier today, he was
doing the turnaround in the mirror.

He goes, "Hi. Director.
Colin... Fuck!"

Let me ask you guys this...

When's the last time
everybody was onstage

on a regular basis?

Since March.

- March.
- March.

We've been going up
sporadically.

But, you know, we've been
performing on patios.

You've never done a show
with all these cars, right?

- Right.
- Not really. No.

I'm just wondering
how it's gonna work.

Oh, yeah, Vos, we got to talk
about the instructions.

So, when you come out,

the guy's gonna
change the microphone.

He might be changing it

while you're onstage
between the acts.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

The guy's gonna be onstage
with the...

Not as I'm... As I'm talking?!

Safety first, they say,
with this COVID.

Thank you for cleaning this off.

Listen, you're a big name.

And after this, believe me,

you're gonna be able
to do rooftops,

you're gonna be able to do
fucking driveways.

Do you know how many...
Parking garages.

It's not gonna end for you.

We got a big tree house show
coming up.

Yes.

You guys been
to a drive-in before?

I haven't. I have, years
and years and years ago,

but definitely not
a comedy show.

Let me ask you guys this...
Who do you think...

'Cause somebody's gonna
bomb tonight.

Could be a lot of us,
with these cars.

- Let's bet 20 apiece.
- Yeah.

Alright. Who's gonna bomb?

- Rich Vos. Out of the gate.
- Oh, Vos?

Vos off the jump's a good bet. Yeah.

Now, most of the money

was on Rich Vos bombing,
I'm sorry to say.

- Why me?!
- I only bet on you bombing

'cause you hosting,
so you first.

What?! I...

- I bet on him...
- 'Cause he stinks.

I'll ruin the show!

Vos is gonna bomb!

Vos is gonna bomb!
Vos is gonna bomb!

Vos is gonna bomb!

Please welcome
our host for the evening.

We're lucky to have him...

Rich Vos!

Welcome to Colin Quinn's
last hurrah.

It's good to be here.
Look at all these nice cars.

Where you cars from, Detroit?

Detroit?

Oh, listen, listen, listen.

Oh, he's used to this
scatter of applause.

Uh, here's the thing.

You ever love something
so much in life,

something that you think
about all day,

something you obsess about,
you dream about,

you talk about it with friends?

It pretty much defines
who you are.

And it could be anything...
Something so dear

and close to your heart.

And then you come
to the realization, I'm too old,

I can't physically
or mentally do this anymore.

That's the feeling I got

as I was walking up here
tonight.

His voice annoys me so much.

I do realize
you couldn't have asked me

without asking him, so...

I know that I come
with a lot of baggage.

This is how old I am.

Hold on. There's waves crashing.

It's throwing me off.

This is how old I am.

He just said...

He just went, "Hold on.
Those waves crashing."

There's real waves.

We got waves fucking up
our timing.

Can you turn
your car down, please?

It's throwing everybody off.

Any married folks here?

Good.

Oh, thank you for clapping
out the window.

And listen, if anybody
gets out of hand,

we do have a security team here.

Well, we have tow trucks.

This is the best I've ever done
in front of cars.

And that's all I do,
our car shows.

Next week, I'm doing, uh,
my cousin's driveway.

Anyhow, I'll be your host.

Are you guys ready
to get started?

Alright.

It's my pleasure
to bring up our next act.

Man is all over TV, YouTube.

You're gonna love him.

A big hand for Chris Distefano.

Give it up
for Rich Vos, everybody.

He almost fell down the stairs.

COVID toes. What can you do?

Listen, it's what it is
right now, right?

Look, the waves.
It's what it is.

I mean, for the cars.
I've been onstage

three times in six months
because of this, God damn it.

I mean, the Chinese
are gonna pay.

They're gonna pay big for this.

Okay, some people are upset.
I'm kidding.

Just, I'm fucking kidding.
That's the thing now.

Now, since March,

it's like I don't even know
what I can say at all anymore.

You're just gonna
get destroyed no matter what.

I don't know why
comedy's even gonna exist.

But it has highlighted,
though...

What I do like about this
pandemic... it's highlighted

that we really didn't have
any real problems in 2019.

We were making shit up.

Because now things
have actually hit the fan

and now people are dying
and the streets are on fire.

And now, you know,
fucking what straw you use

isn't such a big deal
anymore, is it?

That was all the... that was
the big thing last year.

This straw is plastic or paper!

Shut the fuck up.
We got real issues now.

But now, every time I walk outside,
if there's more than five people,

I just think I'm in a protest.
I don't know.

I'm just, I'm like,
"Whatever we're marching for,

I just don't want
to get beat up.

Please just don't put this
on the news.

I'm going to get oat milk 'cause
my kid's lactose intolerant."

So, just do it.

One lady laughing.

What can you do?
Some people are asleep.

I mean, you know.

This car has a car seat,
you piece of shit.

Where's your kid?

Fucking scumbags.

If I'm young, spry, and athletic
and I got my hand in my pocket,

that's a bad sign.
Nobody's performed

for a long time,
and everybody's nervous

because we're rusty.

Nervous, but never scared.

Okay, I want to place a new bet.

We are all bombing.

You have to have
that part of you

that when the audience
doesn't like you,

you can't take it personally,

even though it's the most
personal thing in the world.

When I do bad, I walk offstage

with the same energy
as a baseball player

when he strikes out... like you
can't believe it happened

and you want to throw the bat.

We can't tell how we're doing.

Nobody can really tell
with the cars.

- I'm hearing laughs.
- I'm hearing laughs, too.

Not when Vos was on, but...

No, but, well, you know,
you didn't expect that anyway.

My father's from Brooklyn,
right over here.

I love how this is, like,
where there's, like,

a fucking trendy
comedy show now.

My dad and his friends

probably threw bodies
off these rocks.

And now you're like, "Yeah,
this is a COVID-free zone.

We're taking temperatures.
We're fucking woke."

It's like there's...
I guarantee you,

there's bones of fucking rats
right in that water.

My dad's got antibodies,
he told me.

Not himself... he said
he's selling them for $750.

He's got a sheet.
I swear to God.

He's like, "Yeah, Chris,
I got the antibodies.

You need it for this
little HBO thing you're doing?"

"If you need antibodies,
call me."

Bobby Bodies.

$750. You're fucking nice.

You're trying to laugh,
but you don't want to cough.

That's what it is.
'Cause if you cough,

you know a frickin' sniper will
come and shoot you in the head.

You can't cough.

You can't be sick.

And you can't say...
I mean, forget it.

I'm telling you,
I don't know why...

I don't know why anybody
would want to do comedy anymore.

It just feels like
now that's over.

Really? What can you do?

I hear one lady laughing.
Good for me.

Alright. Have a nice night.

Thank you very much.
Enjoy yourselves.

Give up for Rich Vos,
everybody, huh?

Rich Vos.

Chris Distefano!

Flash your lights.
Come alive. Come on.

There you go.
That's what we want to see.

Get
these fucking lights flashing.

What the fuck? You know you're in trouble

when Vos is giving
a pep talk to the crowd.

- So, Chris...
- Ugh. Oh, brutal. Bomb.

We're doing a big thing
at the end, everybody.

Yeah, I fucking ate it.

Well, we know. We were watching.

Flashing lights. Let's wake up.

Let's get this
fucking thing moving.

This is Colin Quinn.
This is a parking lot.

This is exactly where
I thought it would end.

Thank you!
Thanks for coming out.

This is, um...

This is interesting.

That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm a mask wearer.
I'm one of those people.

I yell at people
for not wearing masks, okay?

I am that person.

And I had a guy
get upset with me.

Well, he was like,
"I can't hear you.

You need to take off your mask."

You know,
it was really annoying.

It wasn't that he couldn't
hear me through the mask.

It was because
he doesn't hear women.

Thank you, two ladies.

And I heard a... Thank you. One.

Thank you. Okay, alright.

Good enough!

Good enough for that
new joke, huh?

But yeah, mask wearing
is important.

Like, I thought we were all
on the same page.

I live in Harlem and I
walked outside my door

and it was a, you know,
a sister.

Well, she was from England
or... or New Zealand.

One of those.
One of those places.

And I was like, "Oh, excuse me,
you're not wearing a mask."

Excuse me." And she was like,

"You do what you need
to do for yourself."

I mean, I know that's not
the accent,

but she was a bitch,
so who cares?

Right? Who cares, really?
So I just...

And I am a bit of a Karen,
by the way.

I know you didn't know this,
but Karen has no color.

White women
don't own complaining.

Okay? I complain a lot.

So, um, I'm trying
to remember my act, too.

Colin wanted us to do new jokes,
which is really

kind of an asshole thing to do

at this time, during...

Thank you for that flash.

...during a pandemic, you know.

'Cause I've been smoking
so much pot, like,

it's Vietnam,
you know what I'm saying?

So I can't remember my shit.

But I believe in
wearing a mask also

because I have
a preexisting condition, okay?

And by the way, I look at some
people who don't think

they have a pre...
I'm like, "Motherfucker,

you have a preexisting
condition, okay?

You may not know it,
but you do."

So, last year,
I was actually diagnosed

with breast cancer,
but I'm surviving.

You can flash your lights for that,
okay.

I'm surviving. Yes, I am.

She just did five minutes.
Oh, boy.

People are fucking jumping
off this stage.

- Whoo!
- People are running offstage.

Thank you. And you got to really
advocate for yourself.

It's really important.
I have a great doctor now.

He's gay, which they
told me ahead of time.

I don't know why.

I apologize. We jumped the gun.

We have no faith in Marina.
That was an applause break.

Ohh! She got a little applause
break in the cars, the lights went...

We just have no faith in the show...
we thought she was exiting the stage.

No, no.
She told them to do that.

- Oh!
- I was listening.

Why do you got to cockblock it?

Damn, that's fucked up.

That was some bitch ass shit.

Because I wish
I would've did it.

That's bitterness,
where he's like, "No, no, no.

That's not real laughter.
She actually paid them."

It was the right thing
to do, though.

- Fuck her.
- It was...

And I'm like, "Yas, bitch. Yas!"

I don't know why,
when in front of a gay man,

I become a gay man.

It's contagious. But they're
also doing Black women,

so I become me.

But here's the thing
that really happened for me

is, like, getting older,
you realize something...

Is that you end up saying
the wrong things all the time.

Like, I don't say
the right things at all.

And it's just, it's embarrassing
when it happens.

Like, I've been messing up.

I met someone
who is not a guy or a girl.

They were a they, which is how
they want to be referred to.

That's important.
I care about that.

It's just, it's new to me.

But in a sentence,

structurally...

It makes me sound
like a runaway slave.

Like, "Where they at?

They's comin'?

They down by the river?"

But let me ask you guys
something. Yeah, please.

Isn't this right now,
and being onstage,

the only times
you're not depressed?

- Those two.
- Well, yes.

- Mm, yeah.
- Yes.

But I have... I like...
I like being with my family.

What the hell?!

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, man!

- Oh, wow.
- That... She just killed.

Marina, do you have any new
corona jokes we should know about?

I don't think they were strong,
but I got away with it.

"Got away with it."

I don't like this new humility
when she just crushed.

This isn't even, like,
the weirdest gig that I've done.

I... I just made
eye contact with, like,

I think it was
the Chrysler Building.

I don't know what the hell
is going on.

But I just winked
at the Chrysler Building.

It's all over.

But I'm actually, I'm married
to an essential worker.

He's a fireman.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

I mean, he's kind of
a dick, but...

The hardest thing about
being married to a fireman

is that the men at the firehouse
have access

to my husband's brain
for like half the week.

Like, he'll come home
with conspiracy theories.

He'll be like, "Vinny said they
legit never went to the moon."

I'm like, "Don't believe
anything Vinny says."

That's what I'm competing with,
conspiracy theories

that use the word "legit."

And it's strange 'cause, like,
we had a hard time in quarantine

and he's a...
He's a good man and...

But, like, we would argue
a lot 'cause, like,

I don't like activities,
you know.

I just like to sort of lay
in a dim room and snack.

He likes to do activities.

On night two of quarantine,

he was like, "We should do,
like, a puzzle night

where we both start a puzzle
at the same time

and see who can finish first."

I'm like, "I would rather
have a hysterectomy"

than do a puzzle-off."

Tell people what's the problem
with going first.

First is good 'cause you get the
first material, but...

First is good because you want

to just get it out of the way.
But... But I didn't.

I wanted to enjoy the moment.
The crowd's not warm.

They don't know what the hell is
going on. That's the emcee's fault.

Chris, I thought
you were doing amazing.

- Ooh, she did it again.
- Marina.

You really warmed them up
for me!

- Oh, my God!
- Mean girl shit.

I don't need
this shit right now.

Marina's end zone dancing now.

Yes, like everybody.
That's a comedian thing.

Before you go on,
you feel like shit.

Afterwards, if you kill,
you're high for like a half hour.

The whole car ride home now,
I'll just be like,

"If I would've went fourth,
I would've crushed."

Well, Vos also mentioned

that they could flash
their lights after.

Ohh. See, that's
another problem with going first.

Vos explained the rules
after he watched me die,

then he explains the rules
for everybody else.

Yeah. Sounds very Vos.

My parents are, like,
aggressively liberal.

They would have preferred
if I'd married

a Nigerian lesbian, I think.

My mom loves complaining
about Trump.

She does like a shoulder dance

when she's ready
to start talkin' Trump.

And she uses the weirdest
language. She'll be like,

"Well, the sleuth is up to
his tricks this morn."

"You can only slay a dragon
with his own wings."

I'm like, I think that's just
a quote from "Game of Thrones."

She goes, "The way
he's ignoring this coronavirus!"

She goes, "I did an anti-Trump
collage in quarantine

and I found it
very restorative."

I'm like, "I don't think
that's healthy.

You're not really supposed
to collage against someone."

She goes, "Well,
it's pretty controversial."

I'm like, "I'm pretty sure
whatever happens

in your art room in Bethesda
is not controversial."

If Trump's not listening
to Congress,

I don't think it's gonna
be Karen Feinstein's decoupage

that's gonna make him
start questioning his choices.

Yeah, fuck the CDC,
but Karen Feinstein,

well, she has some fine points.

Thank you guys so much.
That's it for me.

I hope I made sense.

Aw, thank you.

Rachel, give us a rating
on your set.

On my set? Here's what
I think of Rachel's set,

is the fact that... here, it
says everything about the set.

I go, "Give us a rating."
She goes, "Marina killed it."

Well, here's what I think,
honestly.

I think that they were very nice
because Marina killed,

so then afterwards,
that opened them up

and everybody was like...

some people were by the side
laughing and stuff.

But I myself screwed up a few
intros and feel like a fraud.

Yeah, 'cause we're not...
We haven't been on in so much.

Yeah, but they were...
We're used to working...

Because Marina crushed
and then she opened it up.

You know,
you're so used to working.

Like, if I take a week off,
I get rusty.

It's nice to be here in Lot 47.

I've always wanted to bomb
next to the East River,

so this is cool.

Next to that big watery grave
known as the East River.

It's just nice to be out of
the house without a mask on.

This feels pretty good.

Is anyone sneezed in their mask
during COVID?

Yeah, that's the "shit in your
pants" of this whole thing.

Just in person,
you're like, gah!

Okay, that's all over
my own face.

I'm just gonna walk around with
fucking snot all over my mouth.

It's pretty awesome.
Wear a mask.

I don't understand people
that don't want to wear a mask.

Just do it. It's fucking easy.

And you're gonna look
way better in history.

Just put on the mask,
and then you can lie

to your grandkids all you want.

They see a picture with you
in a mask and they're like,

"Grandpa, you did
the right thing."

You're like,
"I tore down a statue."

You don't have to.

You can lie
to your grandkids about it.

That's all it is.
You do a small thing

and you lie throughout history.

Most of our grandparents
didn't want to fight

in World War II.

Sucks to say that,
but it's true.

Most of our grandpas were like,
"I don't even know any Jews!"

And then now,
all these years later,

they can be like,
"I fought tyranny!"

It's like, no, you didn't,
you anti-Semite.

I read your letters to Nana.

You were on some Walt Disney
shit, you fucking liar.

By the way,
for the past like two decades,

comedians have been
sucking our own dicks,

being like, "We're artists."

This is clear that we're just
mentally ill people

shouting at cars.

This is the most accurate
portrayal of comedy,

where it's just a person
being like, "Go away, car!

Stay away from me, car!"

I'm missing my nana.
I think we're all feeling it.

You know, no one can visit
their grandparents during this,

'cause you're gonna
knock 'em out if you got it,

if you got the 'VID.

It's hard to hang out
with old people.

Last time I hung out
with my grandma was December

before COVID, and that was hard.

She's 93. And no one tells you

when you hang out
with anyone over 85,

you get very nervous
when they sleep in.

Three days in a row,
she's up at nine o'clock,

and then one day at 9:30
on a Wednesday,

you're like, "Come on, Nana!"

"Get up!"

10 o'clock, you're, like...
I'm pacing around the kitchen

like, "I'm gonna walk in there,
I'm gonna touch your cheek.

If it's cold,
I'm gonna change my flight."

My grandma got up at 11 a.m.
I promise you,

she's never woken up
to a reception like that, ever.

She was like, "Dan, I'm awake!"
I was like, "Yeaaah!"

She came down the stairs
like a president off a plane.

She was like,
"I did it! I did it!

I saw the light
and I turned around."

What's more of a bummer
than hanging out with my grandma

is she has a 13-year-old
shih tzu named Buddy

who is both blind and deaf.

That's a rough hang.

That's a rougher hang
than the 93-year-old,

watching a dog smell-navigate
for an entire week.

Just walking around
the apartment like...

Just fucking banging into shit.

It looked like watching a broken
Roomba with a wig on it.

I told my grandma, I'm like,
"You have to kill this thing.

This thing shouldn't live."

She's like,
"I don't want to play God."

I'm like, "That's...
That's what you're doing."

If this thing lived outside,

it would've been hawk food
a year ago.

This dog is deaf and blind.

That's an inhumane way
to let anything live.

This dog's entire life
is Metallica's "One" song.

The dog's whole life
is just like,

♪ Darkness imprisoning me ♪

♪ All that I see,
absolute horror ♪

I put that song on
when my grandma leaves.

I'm like, "Buddy,
it's your jam!"

I put it on the ground so he can
feel it through his paws.

He takes in the music
like Beethoven.

The composer,
not the adorable Saint Bernard.

I gotta... I gotta...

Alright! The little
Beethoven history gets a honk.

Alright, you guys been
a fun parking lot.

Thank you very much.
Have a good night.

Holy shit.

Now, wait a minute.
Can I ask a question?

So, you know you bombed now
'cause it's been set.

That is doing... They liked you.

So at the end, you get... Bup!

One little "bep, bep"...
You suck.

Yeah.

Thank you, handsome.

It's the only time
I'll ever say that to him.

Oh, please, Bonnie, do good,

or it's gonna be
a long ride home.

Please, God.

Please, God, do well.

I like the honking, by the way.

I love it. I, uh...

Now.

Later, I'll talk about
how sexist it was

in a BuzzFeed article,
but for now, very cool.

I kid. But this is big.
This is a big deal.

I put on pants for this.

I've been getting invited
to a lot of Zoom parties,

which...

Fool me once!

"Party," in this context,
is incredibly misleading,

although "uncomfortable
Zoom chore"

probably wouldn't bring
the people in.

Have the courage to drink alone!

Be a hero.

Yes, heroes are...

It's an important time
for heroes, front-line workers.

Whenever I'm going
through self-checkout

at the grocery store,

I say to myself,
"You're a hero."

I let me know
how I feel about me.

So, I've been in quarantine
with my husband for, you know,

however long this
has been going on.

And I've learned a few things.

One thing I've learned
is that I will not kill him,

because I would have
done it by now.

He has reached peak annoyance,

mostly with chewing.

What a great time, though, if
you wanted to kill your husband.

You should do it, 'cause
people aren't gonna find out

for a while,
and perfect digging weather.

But what... But instead,

I, like, when I get
really upset,

I lay in bed at night
and then I just, I go over...

In my head,
I go over his eulogy,

and that just
brings me peace somehow.

It's getting so good.

No, it's... I say really nice
things about him.

I'm really... I mean,
I'm gonna say some, you know...

I'm gonna talk about
his flaws a little bit

just to humanize him, you know.

But if he...

When he dies,

I will be ready.

The end of the world
is here, almost.

And, uh...

And the floods
haven't even started yet.

This guy was like,
"The floods are coming.

You know, the Earth is ending.

Uh... we're gonna be
underwater soon.

Why are you women still
so hung up on feminism?"

You know?
He was like, "Hey, maybe

you don't want to... you know,
you don't want to lose that

'women and children first' card
just yet."

I was like,
"Is this asshole right?"

I don't want to get
my hair wet, you know?

But then I started thinking
about it, I was like,

Wait a second, there is no
'women and children first' card.

It's just children first,
and then somebody

has to take care
of the children,

and men would rather drown.

So I think that was your choice.

Listen, this has been
kind of fun.

Thank you so much. I have
no idea if I did well or not.

Thank you.

I'm gonna say this...

I'm gonna get the first
parking lot standing 0.

They'll be standing up.

- I guarantee it.
- If you flip their hoods.

Come on.
Do a little more than that.

Come on. I need more than that.

Okay.

That bothers me.

That's them honking
telling him to get offstage.

Sam Jay's getting that energy.

The energy of
right before you go on.

I had to walk away from you
guys. I didn't want to be around.

Yeah, I know. I saw that.
I noticed that.

Oh, don't think I'm
fucking not getting out of this chair.

- See?
- I walked far away from it.

Where the black cars at?

Just checking. Just checking.

Alright, man, I'm telling you
right now, I'm feeling good.

You know,
I'm not sad at all, man.

People sad at things, you know,
maybe like a little fucked up,

but I'm happy,
you know what I mean?

I'm happy about a lot of shit.

I'm jealous about shit, too,
like the looting.

I'm jealous of the looting.
I'm not mad about the looting.

I'm jealous.

Because shit
is light as hell now

and you can carry a lot of shit,
you know what I mean?

I seen an 8-year-old
running down the street

with a 65-inch TV.

8 years old, just running.

I'm like, "What the fuck?"
Now, 'cause I'm old.

What I was his age,
it took like 45 motherfuckers

to carry one floor-model TV out.

45. Heavy as shit. God damn!

Only thing you could
run out with then

is like a RCA antenna.

What's he saying?

Uh-oh.

No TV, just an antenna.
That's it.

What the fuck?

Ah, he just repeated the joke.
He's bombing.

You know, you got,
you know, Donald Trump,

and everybody like,
"What don't you like about Don?"

A lot of people don't like him.

And it's just so many people
who don't like Donald Trump,

I had to think about
what I like about him.

I was like, "What do I fucking
like about Donald Trump?"

And I thought about it,
and I got it.

I like the fact that
he lets his friends out of jail.

I like that shit.

'Cause if I was the president,

that's the first thing
I would do.

"Yo, yo, yo!

You free!

How many people
you got around you?

Tell 'em they free, too.
Fuck it."

I got an applause break.

That's what
I'm fucking talking about.

Y'all must be the black car.

But Donald Trump,
you got to admit,

even if you love Donald Trump,

you got to know he's doing
too much presidentin'.

Every day, you got to hear
from this motherfucker.

And he does shit that nobody
has ever done before.

Like, he tried to rob a country.

A whole country...
Tried to rob them.

Donald Trump is test-driving
this country

like it's a rental car.

And we all are passengers
in the back.

"Wait a minute, don't do that!
Don't do that!"

"Watch me make this minivan
do a wheelie."

What the fuck?!

Oh, shit. Oh, my God!

That's a horn break.
I just got a horn break.

Listen to Keith. He's killing.

- Keith's not gonna get off.
- Keith's doing good.

I hope he doesn't get off.
I hope he does 45.

- Who's next? Sam Jay?
- Sam Jay.

Let's talk about
some other shit, man.

You know the cops.
I don't mind the police.

Police... I think
we all know this...

All police aren't bad.

We can say that...
All police aren't bad.

We get that.

They are all complicit,

but they're not all bad.

You know what I mean?

You never see the cops ever say,
"I overreacted."

But it's like, you got to
realize this, though.

Everybody goes to do a job.

Don't mean they're gonna do
a good job.

Every police officer is
not there to serve and protect.

Some people just like the job
because you get the money in.

That's it. Like, for instance,
I joined the Navy, right?

And this is no bullshit.
I joined the Navy.

But I ain't join the Navy
'cause I felt patriotic.

I ain't give a fuck.

I joined the Navy
'cause my SATs told me,

"This is all you got left, man."

"You are one dumb
son of a bitch.

This is it."

Alright, that's one horn.
That's good enough.

A horn is a horn, God damn it.

Alright. Fuck it. That's it.

Good night. Thanks a lot, man.

Now, you guys
in the middle of your careers,

all going well,
and this has to happen.

Are you at all worried
that this is where it all stops,

it plateaus?
What if this is the new normal?

I finally started selling
tickets in January.

- You did?
- I was half sold.

And then January,
the HBO special came out

and I finally started
selling tickets,

and they're like,
"No more shows."

- You're like, "Fuck!"
- Same with me.

Same with you and same
with you? I had all the tickets sold.

I don't even know if I could sell
tickets. The special just came out.

Yeah, so like, the metric of how
you know if it's good for real,

I can't... I don't even have.

Yeah. I was like, "It's working!
Everything's broke."

Yeah. Comedy's changed now.

It's like now,
because you have to just have

an online presence
or a digital presence.

But you had to anyway, yeah.

No, but now it's, like,
reinforced that,

that like, now
you really need it.

You know, unless you're, like,
grandfathered in.

But it's like, if there's
no podcast or YouTube

or something where people
can find you on the Internet,

you know... But I
mean, it will come back.

It will. So I don't think you have to.

No, but I'm saying,
to stay afloat now,

for the next couple years.

I'm not gonna get
an Internet presence.

I'm nervous we're never
gonna get back. This feels like...

Oh, you're nervous about...

I'm nervous about Chris.

Chris is upset because Vos
didn't announce honking horns

and giving the response
till after his set.

No, Vos... literally,
the magic of the show

happened after my set was over.

Like, the fucking... look at how
beautiful the night sky is.

I was there,
it was sunny out still.

It was pure daylight
when I did my set.

Wait, did he not
tell 'em to honk?

Yeah, and the sun
wasn't down yet.

You know, it's beautiful
night sky now.

I mean, you took a real bullet.

You should feel good about
that. I got fucking nothing.

- You took a bullet.
- I took a bullet for the show.

You did. And by the way,
you can definitely hear

the water crashing
into the rocks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Any down moment in your set. Yeah.

That's what's so nerve-racking.

Boats might be the only place
we can perform after this.

Yeah. COVID testing, and
then they just send us out.

Test the audience. Yeah.

Outdoor cruise ships,
where they're docked,

- that don't go anywhere.
- Well, I think, certainly,

at least for a little bit,
performing for cars

or in settings that are not
comedy clubs is just gonna be

what you're gonna have to do
if you want to work.

Yeah, I agree with that.

It might move down south,
because like,

the best baseball players come
from Dominican Republic

'cause they play year-round...

Comedy might move down south
'cause it's all outdoors.

Are you saying Cuban comics?

'Cause you could be
outside all the time,

who the whole shit might shift

and New York might be dead.

I don't know
why I said yes to this,

'cause I've been...

doing good in life.

I don't know, man. I mean...

I was in D.R. for a week.

I just went, just went
to D.R. for a week.

I feel really good about it
'cause I feel

like a gross white man.

Like, I feel like
an evil white dude,

like I'm doing,
like, super villain shit,

like going to a, like,
third-world country

in a pandemic,
sitting on a resort,

having people bring me drinks,
like a real piece of shit.

Not wearing a mask... just doing
like filthy white man shit.

And I got to say, it feels good.
It feels real fucking good.

I get why they do it so much.
It's nice.

I was smoking cigars.

I don't even smoke
fucking cigars.

But it just made me
feel more evil.

Cool. Thanks.

I been watching white people
get punched in the face a lot

during the pandemic.

I watch videos...

I watch videos of white people
getting beat up

for saying racist things
to Black people.

It's fun. There's, like,
a whole bunch of 'em.

And what's great about it is
at no point do they ever,

like, think
they're gonna get hit.

And that blows my mind.
Like, they say very crazy things

to a person in their face,
and then the person hits them

and they always look surprised
that they got hit.

And I just don't know
anyone who...

Like, I didn't grow up
like that.

I didn't grow up,
like, not knowing

if you said wild shit,
you could get hit.

But like, white people
really think you're not allowed

to hit them for words.

Like, somebody somewhere
told them this goofy shit

that, like, people can't hit you
over words,

and they really running
the world believing that shit.

Whereas I grew up getting hit
over words all the fucking time.

So I know it's fucking possible.

It's weird, like, how the rules
is just applied different.

Like, right before
the world shut down,

I was at a Marshalls, right?

I'm inside this Marshalls,
chilling,

and this white lady
was in the Marshalls.

And we was in, like, the rich
section of Marshall's.

You know.

Like, you know, where the, like,

the rich nigga shit is
at Marshall's.

So we was over there
on the rich nigga side,

you know what I mean?

And she had a Gucci purse.
And then this Black girl,

she walked in,
walked up to the white lady,

and she was like,
"Give me your purse, bitch."

And then the white lady

gave her the purse,
and the Black girl left.

And then the white lady yelled,

"I've been robbed!"

And I was like, "No, you wasn't.

You just gave that bitch
your bag."

A robbery requires
some type of resistance.

You got to clutch the shit
or something.

You just handed that shit over.
You weren't robbed, bitch.

You got chumped.
That's what we call it.

You got chumped.

And people don't go to jail
for chumping niggas.

You just got to take that I.

Go home, walk that shit off.

Ask yourself why you let that
bitch take your bag like that.

That's really it.
Alright, bye, y'all.

Now, Bobby, show it
to the camera for a second.

I'm not turning. Alright.

Tell him to move.

I'm not fucking turning.

I love comedians,

and I think that they are never
funnier than before the show.

They're getting into
that mindset to perform,

the adrenaline starts flowing,

and when everybody sees
each other, it's like a reunion.

It's really some blond lady
who's the director. Alright.

Where's the real director?

Oh, Jesus,
I broke the fucking...

We just start
trashing each other

like a bunch of dogs jumping on
each other in a dog park.

It's fun.
It's how we like to do it.

- Get regular chairs!
- You want to sit in this chair?

No, I'll break that one, too.
Go ahead. What were you saying?

Tell people what the problem is
with going last.

People that don't know comedy.
What are the challenges

with going last?
Especially at a show like this.

Everyone's done corona stuff.

It's... everybody's already
done everything. Right.

And they're fucking tired.
Right.

They've been sitting
in their cars, comfortable.

- They have air conditioning.
- Yeah, that's what...

You don't want that at a show.

You want chairs up tight,
face straight.

Not, you know... No nothing.

And they're in their fucking
car, fiddling, they're texting.

They got fucking things
in front of them,

probably getting hand jobs.

And then I got to go up
at the end and fucking sweep up

this horse shit
in a fucking parking lot.

Like I need to feel worse.
I got no money. I'm in corona.

I haven't worked
since fucking February.

Alright? I was about to buy
a Rolex and get a new house.

Now I'm... A Rolex?

Yeah! I got nothing. Okay?
I got nothing.

You have a house. Now
I'm closing this fucking...

I got a house,
but it's a small house.

How we doing?

Oh, you can really hear
the water.

This is fucking weird.

Is this weird?

- Do you like it or not?
- Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you got no fucking choice.

It's either this or stay home
and watch Netflix again.

Watch some fat guy on a river.

I don't mind... COVID sucks.

This sucks, but good things
came out of it,

if you look at it.

You know, weddings...

I didn't have to go to any
shit weddings this year.

That's awesome, right?

Oh, that makes me...
Oh, weddings suck ass.

Oh, it made me so happy

they had to do it in a yard
by themselves.

Oh, weddings are the worst,
'cause they're just, you know...

They're just entitled assholes

trying to be prince
and princesses for the day.

And you're not.
You're getting mar...

Look, marriage, I'm fine...
A wedding, you're an asshole.

If you have a wedding
and you're not royalty,

you are a phony
piece of shit to me.

Okay? You're working...
You're a barista.

You don't get a wedding.
You live in Jersey.

It doesn't happen.
I'm sorry, honey.

Poor father was two years away
from retiring.

Now has to wave at people
at Walmart every other Sunday

'cause you wanted a horse-drawn
carriage for two blocks.

Fuck you.

Oh, it's the worst.
It's a Ponzi scheme.

You know, they send you
the save-the-date

to try to make you feel
special... "We picked you."

Fuck off. I don't want to go.
I'm not going.

Did you get the save-the-date?
I did. It's in the garbage.

I saw your face,
threw it in the trash.

They get mad.
"That was a magnet!

It goes on your fridge!"

Not on my fridge.
I got a Samsung.

Are you out of your mind?
That has crushed ice

and a SodaStream built in.
Get the fuck out of here.

I don't put my kids' homework
on that masterpiece,

never mind your dumb faces
in black and white

in front of hay, just...

You live in Jersey City.

Where'd you get hay?
You did a photo shoot?

She's a barista!
You don't have the money!

I love just his shirt blowing
in the wind the whole time.

Yeah, it looks like Kingpin
addressing the...

His shirt's like this. It's
like the back of a do-rag.

It's just like, pssh!

Bobby looks like Kingpin
trying to find Spider-Man.

They always say the same thing.
"Ours is gonna be fun."

"Ours is gonna be
the funnest wedding.

It's gonna be the funnest
wedding you've ever been to."

Is it at my house on Saturday?

Am I naked in my recliner
with every remote I ever lost

on my stomach?

And I look in the driveway

and my wife's car is
nowhere to be found?

That's a fucking fun
Saturday to me.

Not in a suit that doesn't fit
with a belt buckle

trying to murder me for
an hour and a half in a church.

We got any Jews? Jews?

What's up? Mazel tov.

You can tell by the Lexus.

We got any Catholics?
Where's the Catholics?

Way in the back.

That's fucking racist.

Atheists, where you at?

You're probably all over
the place. Yeah, yeah.

Look at all those fucking
hybrid Toyotas blinking.

Alright!

Can I get a fucking
windshield wiper? Ba-pow!

Let me get a hazard. Suck it!

You guys, thank you so much.
I'm Robert Kelly.

Have a great night. Take care.

I bombed at the De Niro birthday
many years ago.

Was it like a real hard bomb,
like true?

It was stunning.

No, I mean, I've bombed a lot.

But what was specific
about the De Niro one?

This was in my top three
of all time.

- All time?
- And I've bombed 100 times.

At what point
did you feel the bomb?

No, I mean,
I couldn't even admit it

to myself
till like six minutes in,

but it was...
It was started very early.

Was De Niro just looking at you?

All bombs start early, right?

Bombs start in the first
30 seconds.

Yeah, you miss
and then you can never rebound.

And then it's you... and then
it's you treading water.

Either you can tread the water
or you drowned.

Yeah, folks. I mean, what can I
really say at this point?

You know, I, uh...

I, you know, corona...

what... you know,

it all started March.

It's never gonna end.
This is the end of society.

This is the end of the world.

You're gonna be living
in those cars

for the next 25 years.

And, started in March.

Don't touch your eyes.
Don't rub your face.

Don't... You have to wash
your hands constantly.

Who's head of the CDC?

Everybody's mother?

You know, folks,
not everything's edgy.

Sometimes a guy like me,

in his later years,
he likes to hit, like, a joke...

That joke would've worked
on Merv Griffin

if they had coronavirus
back then.

I'm not denying it wasn't
the wildest joke you ever heard,

but, you know,
I like to open soft

and work my way up. I, um...

Thank you.

My thing is this...

I blame the coronavirus
on nerds.

Because before computers,

all nerds did
was work on medical things.

Their whole life was looking
through microscopes at slides.

And then computers came along,
and suddenly,

nerds became popular
and they didn't go into medical.

Medical is like the third rung
of intelligent people.

And nerd culture was only
supposed to work in hospitals,

in medical situations.

They're supposed to
cure diseases.

There's not supposed to be
bands with glasses.

Mick Jagger didn't wear glasses.

Bruce Springsteen didn't have
a fucking pocket protector.

Buddy Holly was the only guy
in a band that wore glasses,

and God killed him pretty early
because...

Big Bopper fan. Anyway, um...

And, uh...

I'll tell you who's back
being essential...

Lab rats. Lab rats.

You didn't hear
about them a lot,

'cause a lot of them
got laid off

'cause of the makeup scandals
back in the early '90s.

And now they're like,
"Yeah, I got called in."

I don't know, I was there.

Yeah.
I mean, I was sitting home,

and you know, I've been off
for the past three months

'cause I had a bad reaction
to some kind of antidepressant.

But they called me in 'cause
some asshole ate a fucking bat

"in China, I don't know."

Well, I didn't say
my lab rat impression

was the stuff of great...

Wasn't a Richard Pryor
character, you know.

It's a fucking lab rat.
What do you want out of me?

Haven't been onstage
in six months.

At least corona gives us
an excuse.

If the apocalypse...
If we die...

I was so... It would be
so humiliating

to die in the apocalypse

and then we go to heaven and
people are like, "What the fuck?"

And we're like, "Yeah, we just
started arguing on social media"

and shit get out of control."
At least this way, we can go,

"No, fucking God decided
to ground us for some reason,

and he put this corona,
and that just set us off."

At least we have
an external reason,

instead of just people fighting
all the time on social media.

Because here's what I realized
about social media.

Why it destroyed this country
is 'cause we're not meant

to be having these political,
intelligent discussions.

We're not
the intelligent country.

We're, like, the enthusiastic,
outdoorsy kind of country.

Like England, France...

They were, like,
intellectual, political.

We're not meant to be getting
into these deep thoughts,

you know what I mean?
We're like salesmen and farmers.

That's what we're good at.

And we... you know, now look
at us, you know what I mean?

I feel like, in this world,
either we end apocalyptic

or we get invaded by aliens,

which everyone's always
worried about that

because they're like,
aliens will come down

and they'll be this superior,
these genius people,

and they'll take us over
and make us their slaves.

Yeah, just as scary...

What if they come

and they're dumb?

What if aliens show up

and they just...
They're fans of ours,

and they just came down here

'cause it was on their
bucket list to visit Earth,

and they've been watching us
on YouTube.

And they're like
eight years behind,

and they're saying, like,
"amaze balls"

and "awesome sauce."

Like, "Hey, do shots!
Do duck lips!"

And we're like...

So, I get...

Thank you.

Alright, you guys.

Thank you very much
for coming out tonight.

Thank you for staying
through the show.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, guys. Ah!

Let's bring out everybody
who was on the show.

Come on out.

We can do this show,
but it's not sustainable,

because we need the audience

more than any other
performing art.

Because if you are rambling

and not getting to
the humorous part,

you feel the boredom
and impatience.

So it helps you
rewrite and edit,

which is part of joke writing.

Also, the tension of the silence
between laughs

is a necessary part of comedy.

It's got to have a build,
or there's no release.

Without the joke,
it's like listening

to what I'm saying right now...

Boring.

So cars cannot be
the new comedy club for long,

because it'll get old fast.

Redneck jokes
if you're in a pickup,

douche jokes
if you're in a Range Rover,

dentist jokes for BMW.

F-250 with a high lift
will be like

the guy in the audience
who's a troublemaker.

I just want to say
that I went on in the daylight

and a lot of the things,
the honking and all that

that you guys were doing,
wasn't for my set,

so if you see it on TV.
I didn't bomb.

It's just the show didn't really
start until the second comic.

So if this ends up
being my last hurrah,

as Rich Vos so rudely
pointed out is a possibility,

at least I left
with my friends...

Ungrateful, self-centered,

irritable, know-it-all bastards.

Guys, thank you. I can't promise
you're gonna make the cut,

- but thank you all.
- What?!

Get all of this.
This is gonna be...

You know what this is gonna be?

This is gonna be
over the credits.

When people are watching
a masterpiece...

They've been watching it
and it keeps stopping

because their Internet
isn't working.

I want to know if there's a way
we can film...

Without him knowing...
Vos' conversation

on the way home, telling Bonnie,
"I mean, I killed.

You did good, too,

but I kind of killed
the whole show."

You know you'll be bragging.

No, I'm gonna e...
I'm gonna email her that.