Cold Feet (1989) - full transcript

( instrumental music
playing )

( shouting )

( horses whinnying )

( man shouting )

Man's voice:
WHEN LAURA AND I FIRST MET,

WE HAD JUST ONE DREAM
BETWEEN US--

TO OWN AND OPERATE
OUR OWN RANCH.

BUT, HEY,
EVERYBODY KNOWS

RANCHING ISN'T THE EASIEST
BUSINESS THESE DAYS.

WE WERE BARELY KEEPING
OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER.

- DID YOU COUNT?
- YEAH, I GOT ABOUT 21.



THAT'S WHAT I GOT.

LET'S ROUND UP THEM OTHER
BROOD MARES TOMORROW.

LAURA! LAURA!

MONTE'S ON THE PHONE.

HE'S BEEN RELEASED
BY THE COMMUNISTS.

HE'S COMING HOME!

GOD HELP US.
THE COMMIES DIDN'T
EVEN WANT HIM.

HE'S BRINGING
WITH HIM

THE GRAND "CHAMPEEN"
PERFORMANCE STALLION

OF ARIZONA.

( spits )

Man:
OH, YEAH,
YOUR GIRLIE MAGAZINES

ARE STILL
UNDER THE BED, BRO.

I'LL BELIEVE IT
WHEN I SEE IT, BUCK.



( laughs )

- HOW DID HE SAY HE GOT
OUT OF NICARAGUA?
- HANG ON.

HE SAYS HE SHOT
HIS WAY OUT.

SHE'S VERY GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
A CHAMPION STUD?

ALL RIGHT, NOW,
MONTE IS BRINGING IT.

HE WANTS TO EXCHANGE IT
FOR RENT ON THE CABIN

BECAUSE HE WANTS
TO SETTLE DOWN.

HE SAYS HE WANTS
TO SETTLE DOWN.

HE'S MY BROTHER, LAURA.
I GOTTA BELIEVE HIM.

YOU DO?
I DON'T.

HIS POLICE RECORD
IS WAY TOO LONG

FOR ME TO TAKE MONTE
AT HIS WORD.

CHAMPION STUD.
BE A MIRACLE IF HE
DIDN'T STEAL IT, BUCK.

YOU MAY BE RIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T JUDGE.

BUT WHAT I DO WANNA DO,
AND I WANNA DO IT RIGHT
THIS VERY, VERY MINUTE,

IS I WANNA GATHER UP
THOSE MARES

BECAUSE THERE'S STILL TIME
TO GET 'EM INTO FOAL YET,

JUST IN CASE MONTE
IS TELLING THE TRUTH
ABOUT THAT STALLION.

Buck's voice:
AS FAR AS I CAN
PIECE IT TOGETHER,

IT ALL STARTED
WITH A HORSE

SOMEWHERE SOUTH
OF THE BORDER--

MEXICO OR GUATEMALA.
I DON'T KNOW.

NOBODY EVER KNEW
WHERE MONTE WAS COMING FROM.

AS OUR DAD
ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

"DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUCK,
BUT DON'T TRUST MONTE.

THAT BOY WAS BORN CROOKED."

ANYWAY, THIS STORY STARTS
WITH INFIDEL.

INFIDEL IS THE HORSE.

EVERYBODY WANTED
THAT STALLION.

I WANTED HIM,

MONTE'S TWISTED SIDEKICK
KENNY WANTED HIM,

AND MONTE'S LADY FRIEND
MAUREEN WANTED HIM.

SHE WANTED THAT HORSE,
AND SHE WANTED MONTE, TOO.

BUT I COULD HAVE
TOLD HER

MONTE WAS JUST NOT
THE MARRYING KIND.

THE MEDICATION'S BEGINNING
TO SWEEP HIM UNDER.

A GENTLE NARCOSIS.

SLEEP. SLEEP, OLD FELLOW.

LOOK, I DON'T
WANT THE DAMN THING
FALLING ON ME, DOC.

YEAH, TRY AND MAKE
THIS PERFECT, DOC.

I MEAN, WE ALL GOT
A TON RIDING ON THIS,
YOU KNOW?

- YOU INCLUDED.
- ME INCLUDED?

IF IT WASN'T ME INCLUDED,

I WOULDN'T BE TAKING
THESE RISKS, WOULD I?

( clears throat )
IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE
YOU ABOARD, DOCTOR.

I WONDER IF IT ISN'T TIME
FOR YOU TO WORK YOUR MAGIC.

WITH PLEASURE.

MONTE, HONEY, THE MINUTE
YOU GET TO THE STATION,
PHONE ME, ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH.
- I'M GONNA BE GOING
TO THE AIRPORT NOW.

OH, SWEETHEART,
I'M SO EXCITED.

AFTER THIS,
WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

GOD, I'M STARVED.

WELL, GOOD LUCK
TO YOU ALL.

GOODBYE,
MY DEAREST MONTE.

HEY.

OH, DON'T WORRY.
THIS IS A VERY EASY
PROCEDURE.

AND IT'S FAIRLY SIMPLE
ON THE HORSE.

WHAT THE HORSE WON'T KNOW
CAN'T HURT HIM, RIGHT?

( laughing )

HEY, DOC,
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO GET THESE EMERALDS OUT?

Doctor:
JUST TAKE
OLD INFIDEL HERE

OUT TO SOME QUIET SPOT
AND SHOOT HIM.

THE REST YOU DO
WITH A SIMPLE JACKKNIFE.

HE'S AN AWFUL
GOOD HORSE, DOC.

COMPARED TO WHAT?
COMPARED TO ALL
THESE EMERALDS?

YOU KILL THIS HORSE
AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

( emeralds rattle )

NOW, WHEN I TUCKED
THE LOOT IN THERE,

I PUT IT IN A PLACE
THE HORSE HIMSELF
WILL NEVER FEEL.

AFTER YOU SHOOT HIM,
JUST STAB AROUND IN THERE
TILL YOU FEEL THE CONTAINER.

YEAH, ONLY DON'T GO ON
ABOUT KILLING THE HORSE
SO MUCH, HUH, DOC?

I MEAN, WE THINK THIS IS
A BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL HERE.

( laughs )
WHATEVER. WHATEVER.

BUT NOW I'D LIKE
TO GET PAID.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE
SEEING YOU A LOT.

SAY, DOC,

IS IT SOUNDPROOF
IN HERE OR WHAT?

YEAH, NOBODY CAN
HEAR A THING.

OH, CAN'T HEAR
A THING, HUH?

YOU KNOW, FUNNY,
BECAUSE AS YOU GET OLDER,

- YOU REALLY APPRECIATE
QUIET MORE, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH.

OH, MISTER, I WOULDN'T
BREATHE A WORD.

WOULDN'T BREATHE A WORD.
YOU CRACK ME UP.

DO "THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE"
FOR ME, WILL YOU?

WHAT?

- DO "THE PLEDGE
OF ALLEGIANCE"!
( gunshot )

- ( horse whinnying )
GET THE HORSE!

STOP THAT HORSE!

MONTE, MONTE!

THIS IS SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

HEY!

GET THAT HORSE!

GET THE HORSE!

GET THAT HORSE!
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
DOWN! DOWN!

WHOA.

OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU KILLED HIM, KENNY.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER
BEEN INVOLVED IN A KILLING.

KENNY,
WILL YOU COME ON?

HOW COME
HE'S LAYING DOWN?

RELAX, KENNY.
HE'LL BE FINE.

( bell dings )
- STEWARDESS!

- CAN I HAVE
THE FIRST AID KIT, PLEASE?
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, I JUST HAVE SOME
MINOR SURGERY HERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Woman over P.A.:
Ladies and gentlemen,

we'll be starting
our descent into Tucson.

Please fasten your seatbelts
and bring your seats

to their upright position.
Thank you.

THAT'S MONTE.
THAT'S ME.

THAT'S ME AND MONTE.

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN
DOWN IN MEXICO?

OH. I WORK DOWN THERE.
I SELL MINING EQUIPMENT.

MY FAMILY'S IN TUCSON.

I'M IN THE HORSE
BUSINESS MYSELF.

IMPORTS, TOO.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU JUST KIND OF
RENT A CAR IN TUCSON,
DRIVE IT ON IN?

NO, I LEFT MY CAR
AT THE AIRPORT, ACTUALLY.

OH, YOUR VERY OWN CAR?

YEAH, MM-HMM.

HOW TIGHT
IS YOUR SCHEDULE?

IS IT SEMI-TIGHT,
OR JUST "I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I SEE YOU"?

LIKE I SAY,
I'M SELF-EMPLOYED.

- WELL, YOU DIDN'T
SAY THAT, ACTUALLY.
- DIDN'T I?

LOOK, WHAT'S ALL
THIS ABOUT ANYWAY?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I'LL SPRING IT ON YOU
AT THE BAGGAGE CLAIM.

Kenny:
ONCE WE HOOK UP
WITH MAUREEN IN TUCSON,

WE'RE HOME FREE.

YOU'RE HOME FREE.

FACE IT, YOU COULD
BE DOING WORSE.

( horse whinnies )

( both speaking Spanish )

PRONTO, AMIGO.

Attendant:
BUDDY.

Monte:
MAUREEN'S GOTTA
FIND US A MOTORHOME.

SHE'S PROBABLY
GOT HER HANDS FULL
WITH THAT RIGHT NOW.

WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY
IN THE RACK

WITH SOME STRANGER
SHE MET ON THE PLANE.

NOW, DON'T TALK THAT WAY.

I MEAN, SHE IS MY GIRL,
YOU KNOW?

KENNY CALLS 'EM
AS HE SEES 'EM, MONTE.

WELL, DO ME A FAVOR
AND STOP REFERRING TO
YOURSELF AS KENNY.

I THINK
YOU'RE SUCCUMBING
TO PARANOIA.

I'M NOT PARANOID.

IT'S A DISEASE UNKNOWN
TO STAND-UP GUYS LIKE ME.

HOW COULD I DO
WHAT I'M DOING
AND BE PARANOID?

OH, YOU'D FIND A WAY.

LISTEN, YOU WATCH ME
AS WE GO THROUGH CUSTOMS
WITH THE HORSE.

WE'LL HAVE
A LITTLE GUT CHECK
AT U.S. CUSTOMS.

BOLD IS BEST, PAL.

- ( tires screeching )
- ( horns honking )

NOW I SEE WHY YOU DIDN'T
WANT ME TO TAKE MY CAR.

IF WE EVER GET OUT
OF THIS ALIVE,

IF GOD SO WILLS IT,

JUST DROP ME AT AISLE 57,
LONG-TERM PARKING.

STOP FEELING SORRY
FOR YOURSELF.

WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA
DROP YOU RIGHT HERE.

THANKS.

GOOD LUCK!

REMEMBER,
YOU PAY FOR EVERY
PIECE OF ASS YOU GET.

Kenny:
NOW, I WANT YOU

TO STUDY MY STRENGTHS
OF CHARACTER, MONTE.

WHEN I LEAD THAT HALF-TON
OF HORSE THROUGH CUSTOMS,

I WANT YOU TO CHECK OUT
MY MONA LISA SMILE.

AND I WANT YOU
TO ASK YOURSELF,

"WHAT KIND OF MAN
IS KENNY?

A MAN OR A MOUSE?"

HAPPY TO DO IT, CREEP.
DON'T BLOW IT.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.

IF YOU DON'T MIND NOW,

I'M GONNA DO
A LITTLE EXERCISE.

EXERCISE?

I GOT A HUNDRED NOTIONS
I PICKED UP

FROM THE ARMY'S
RAPID DEPLOYMENT FORCES.

LITTLE THINGS
TO CURE YOU--

YOU KNOW, JETLAG,
THAT TYPE OF THING.

ONE OF MY FAVORITES
IS ISOMETRICS FOR
CONFINED AREAS.

( grunting )

( Kenny grunting )

( grunting continues )
- ( horse whinnying )

UNO! DOS!

TRES! CUATRO!

TURN IT UP, BABY!

TURN IT UP, BABY!

I'M A MAN!

I'M A MAN!

( music playing )

ALL RIGHT, WOULD YOU
GO OVER HERE TO THE LEFT,
PARK THE TRUCK,

- AND UNLOAD THE HORSE
FOR ME, PLEASE?
- SURE THING.

MONTE, I WANT YOU
TO WATCH ME.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

AIN'T HE A BEAUTY,
OFFICER?

THEY ALL LOOK
THE SAME TO ME.

THEY DO, HUH?
HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET?

THESE PAPERS SAY
TWO WHITE BACK FEET.

I ONLY SEE ONE
WHITE BACK FOOT.

MAYBE YOU OUGHTA LOOK
A LITTLE HARDER.

THOSE ARE
THE CORRECT PAPERS.

SAY, HAVEN'T YOU
EVER DONE THIS BEFORE?

WHAT'S THIS ON HIS LEG?

LOOKS LIKE BLOOD.

THAT'S THE REASON
I COULDN'T SEE HIS
WHITE MARKING.

LOOK, YOUR GUESS
IS AS GOOD AS MINE,
YOU KNOW?

MAYBE THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT IT IS.

HORSES ARE MORE
CARELESS THAN KIDS.

THE FACT IS I DON'T
EVEN WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

I JUST WANNA GET BACK
TO THE U.S. OF A.,
ALL RIGHT,

AND GET DOWN THE ROAD.

NOW EITHER LET US
GO THROUGH

OR THROW US IN JAIL
FOR SMUGGLING BLOOD.

CHOP-CHOP, BUDDY.

WELCOME HOME.

DIDN'T YOU SEE
MY PASSPORT?

THIS AIN'T HOME.
IT'S FUCKING ARIZONA.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A TURKISH FIG, BUDDY?

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL
A LOT BETTER.
GO AHEAD.

YOU DO THESE THINGS
BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU
HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE NICE THINGS
IN LIFE, KENNY.

I WISH TO HELL YOU'D JUST
DROP OUT OF THE PROJECT.

LET THOSE OF US
WITH A FEW IDEALS
REAP THE BENEFITS.

LOOK, ARE YOU TRYING
TO GET RID OF ME?

- ( scoffs )
- I'M WILLING TO
TAKE ALL THE RISKS

AND-- AND MURDER
PEOPLE, ET CETERA,

AND THIS IS THE THANKS
THAT I GET?

I SURE AS HELL
NEVER ASKED YOU
TO MURDER ANYBODY.

I'LL NEVER FIGURE
THAT ONE OUT IF I LIVE
TO BE A MILLION.

MAUREEN SAYS THIS TIME
YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT
OF MARRYING HER.

SHE SAYS THIS TIME--
THIS TIME YOU'RE
IN IT FOR LIFE.

SHE SAYS NO ROUTINE CAPERS.
THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL.

KENNY, SHE SAID TO ME,
"THIS TIME I'M BURNING
BRIDGES."

HAS MAUREEN EVER MENTIONED
MY LITTLE DAUGHTER
ROSEMARY TO YOU?

PLENTY OF TIMES.

YOU'RE ALL GONNA LIVE
TOGETHER AFTER THE WEDDING.

- THE WEDDING.
- THE WEDDING, MONTE.

HEAR MY WORDS,
WATCH MY LIPS--

THE WEDDING.

Maureen:
KENNY! OVER HERE!

BLESS YOUR HEART, KENNY.
YOU'RE ON TIME.
WHERE'S MONTE?

MONTE'S WITH THE HORSE
OVER BY THE POWER TERMINAL.

- SCOOT OVER. I'M DRIVING.
- AS YOU WISH.

I REALLY LOVE
DRIVING THIS THING.

- SCOOT OVER.
- OH.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
ANY TROUBLE PULLING THAT
HORSE TRAILER WITH THIS BABY.

IT'S A REGULAR LOCOMOTIVE.

Maureen:
I GOT RESERVATIONS
AT A CAMPGROUND

WITH PHONE HOOKUPS
AND EVERYTHING.

YOU CAN TALK TO THE FENCE
RIGHT FROM THE R.V.

THEN WE'LL DELIVER THE HORSE
TO HIS DOOR IN NEVADA.

HEY, MONTE!

MONTE!

- HEY, COWBOY!
- HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU?

HUH, WHERE
THE HELL IS HE?

MONTE!

CURSES!

- WHAT?
- ( speaks gibberish )

MONTE TOOK THE HORSE!

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, MONTE MUST DIE!

I AGREE WITH YOU.

MONTE IS DEAD.
- ( screams )

I BELIEVE HE MUST PASS AWAY
IN A RATHER CRUEL FASHION.

AND, MIGHT I ADD,
HE HAS BROKEN MY HEART.

( crying )

WHAT I DON'T
UNDERSTAND IS

HOW'D HE DRIVE AWAY
AND RIDE AWAY

AT THE SAME TIME?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HEY, LINDY,
MONTE LATHAM HERE.

OKAY. LISTEN,
YOU STILL FLYING?

YEAH? WELL, LISTEN,
I GOT A LITTLE JOB FOR YOU.

- KENNY, PUT THAT PHONE DOWN.
- I WANNA CALL MY MOM.

FORGET IT.
APPALLING THAT A FELLA
LIKE YOU EVEN HAS ONE.

YOU LEAVE MY MOTHER
OUT OF THIS.

NOW, COME ON, WE GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO GET ANYWHERE WITH
THE BRAND INSPECTION OFFICE.

ONCE THE HORSE
IS IN THE COUNTRY, MONTE
COULD TAKE HIM ANYWHERE,

AND THE FENCE HASN'T
HEARD FROM HIM, EITHER.

MAUREEN, WHY DID YOU
TRUST HIM?

WHY? I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'M SOFT ON HIM.

WHEN A PERSON
PLANS TO MARRY SOMEONE,
YOU LOSE PERSPECTIVE.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PUT THAT LITTLE FIRE OUT,
MAUREEN,

OR WE AIN'T GONNA GET
OUR DEAL DONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MEANING...

WHERE DOES HIS
LITTLE GIRL LIVE?

FORGET IT!
I'M THE GODMOTHER.

THAT'S ROSEMARY.
FORGET IT!

WELL, MAUREEN,

SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF YOU'RE EVEN A CRIMINAL.

( sighs )
ALL RIGHT,
DARN IT TO HECK.

ROSEMARY GOES
TO BOARDING SCHOOL

IN STEAMBOAT SPRINGS,
COLORADO.

SURVIVAL AND CRAFTS MAJOR.
COME ON, KENNY, LET'S GO.

YOU SMOKE CIGARS?

NO, I DON'T SMOKE
NOTHING ANYMORE,

NOT SINCE THE SURGEON
GENERAL'S REPORT.

WHEN WAS THAT? '62.

BAD DAMN YEAR
FOR SMOKERS.

YOU GONNA JUST RIDE ON
OUT OF HERE?

I WILL RIDE HIM
TO THE FAMILY RANCH--

DEADROCK, MONTANA,
NOW OPERATED

BY MY BROTHER BUCK LATHAM
AND HIS WIFE LAURA.

THIS HANDSOME DEVIL
IS GONNA KEEP

THOSE TWO SORRY BASTARDS
FROM STARVING TO DEATH.

Buck's voice:
YOU CAN'T BLAME A MAN FOR
TRYING TO START A NEW LIFE,

BUT MOST TIMES
THAT OLD LIFE IS JUST
TOO NASTY TO FORGIVE.

MAUREEN MUST HAVE KNOWN
THAT A SUREFIRE WAY

OF GETTING TO MONTE
WAS THROUGH HIS KID ROSEMARY.

BUT HOW FAR WOULD SHE GO
WITH A KID TO GET MONTE BACK?

NOW WHAT DO I DO?
SNEAK UP?

NO, NO, JUST STAND
BACK OF MY HEAD.

NOW, WHEN I SAY WHEN,

JUST DROP THE KNIFE
RIGHT FOR MY THROAT.

WHAT'S THE POINT
IN THIS?

WELL, I CAN SEE
UP YOUR DRESS,

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH.

SAY WHEN.

WHEN.

YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT ETERNITY, KENNY?

HMM.
ONLY FOR MY VICTIMS.

WELL, THAT'S NICE
AND SIMPLE.

YOU KNOW...

I MAY BE DEEPER THAN
YOU REALIZE, MAUREEN.

ACTUALLY, I THINK
OF MYSELF AS, WELL,

EXECUTIVE MATERIAL.

( sighs )

I DON'T WANNA GROW OLD
AS JUST ANOTHER MURDERER.

I MEAN,
I'M A PROFESSIONAL,

BUT NOBODY
TAKES ME SERIOUSLY.

I'M PREPARED TO TAKE
YOU SERIOUSLY.

BUT YOU NEVER
REALLY GIVE ME ROOM
TO SHOW MY STUFF.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--
TOMORROW AT THE EQUESTRIAN
REGISTRY,

YOU HANDLE IT.
I'LL JUST LISTEN.

I'LL BE THE LITTLE WIFE
AND YOU BE THE TAKEOVER GUY.

HOW'S THAT?

( horn blaring )

Buck's voice:
LAURA AND I HAD MANAGED TO
GET ABOUT NECK DEEP IN DEBT.

A CHAMPEEN STALLION
WAS THE ANSWER TO OUR DREAMS,

EVEN IF MONTE
CAME WITH IT.

BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK,
MONTE'S HERE.

ALL RIGHT!

HE'S SKINNIER,
BUT IT'S WONDERFUL
TO SEE HIM, ISN'T IT?

THAT MUST BE
THE CHAMPION STUD, HUH?

- THINK SO?
- CAN YOU BELIEVE HE RODE HERE?
NOW, BE NICE, LAURA.

HEY!

- HI, MONTE.
- HEY, HEY, YOU HILLBILLY
SONS OF BITCHES.

WE'RE GONNA GET SOMEWHERES.

- THIS PLACE IS GONNA BE
A STALLION STATION, HUH?
- LOOK AT THAT!

NOW, BEFORE YOU
LOOK AT THE HORSE,
MONTE HAS SOME GOODIES.

NOW, LAURA,

JUST 'CAUSE YOU WAS ALWAYS
SO SUSPICIOUS OF ME,

HERE'S SOME OUT OF SIGHT
ZUNI TURQUOISE FOR YOU
ANYWAY.

BUCK, GOD DAMN IT.

HERE'S SOME SILVER-MOUNTED
HANDMADE SPURS

FROM BEAUTIFUL
DOWNTOWN SOUTH TEXAS.

WHAT?

SPIN THEM ROWELS, BUCK.
THEY'LL SPIN TILL TOMORROW.

- DAMN.
- YEAH.

- THANKS, MONTE.
- 18-POINT ROWELS.

YOU STICK YOUR HORSE WITH THEM,
HE'LL JUMP OVER THE MOON.

NOW, FRIENDS AND RELATIVES,
LET'S VIEW THE HORSE.

- COME ON.
- NICE.

MONTE,
HE IS SOMETHING ELSE.

I TOLD YOU
HE'S A CADILLAC.

HE'S A REINING MACHINE
UNDER THE SADDLE.

- WAIT TILL YOU GET ON HIM.
HE'S GOT A DIME STOP.
- MM!

LAURA, WAIT'LL YOU
GET ON THIS SUCKER.

YOU'LL SEE HOW DOG GENTLE
AND LAW-ABIDING HE IS.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE LOOK
AT OLD MONTE AND SAY,

"YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
HE WAS THE BLACK SHEEP
OF THE FAMILY,

BUT MAYBE MONTE'S OKAY."

TIME WILL TELL, MONTE.
TIME WILL TELL.

- OH, THANK GOD.
- ( laughing )

DON'T FORGET,
I'M IN CHARGE.

NOW, NOW, REMEMBER,
BE VERY AUTHORITATIVE.

- STAND TALL, OKAY?
- MM-HMM.

WATCH ME.

( keyboard clicking )

Kenny:
TOP OF THE MORNING
TO YOU, LADIES.

- I'M LOOKING FOR A HORSE.
- WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART.

WE HAVE OVER A MILLION
IN OUR COMPUTERS.

ANY HORSE IN PARTICULAR?

WELL, THIS IS
A PRETTY BIG ONE,

WITH BALLS ALMOST
AS BIG AS MINE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE MY NEPHEW.

HE USED TO BE
A BLACKSMITH,

AND SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY
DROPPED AN ANVIL ON HIS HEAD

FROM THE ROOF
OF THE PARKING GARAGE.

THE HORSE IS REGISTERED
UNDER THE NAME OF INFIDEL,

REGISTRATION NUMBER
179583,

FOALED IN AZURE SPRINGS,
NEW MEXICO, 1983. HE'S BAY.

EXCUSE ME JUST A SECOND.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO PULL
THIS OFF THE COMPUTER.

"EXECUTIVE MATERIAL."
YOU SLAY ME.

YOU NEVER
GAVE ME A CHANCE.

- I GAVE YOU ALL THE CHANCE
THAT YOU WERE GONNA GET.
- ( scoffs )

IF I WENT
AND BOUGHT A VIBRATOR
AND LEARNED HOW TO SHOOT,

I WOULDN'T
NEED YOU AT ALL.

I AM SO SORRY
TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT THE OWNER OF RECORD
HAS CABLED US

THAT THE HORSE
IS DECEASED.

WHAT?

WHO IS THE OWNER
OF RECORD, MAY I ASK?

MONTE LATHAM.
RING ANY BELLS?
- YES, I'M AFRAID IT DOES.

ARE YOU
BY ANY CHANCE MAUREEN?
- YES, I AM.

THE CABLE SAYS TO TELL YOU
"BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."

- THANK YOU.
- MOTHER!

AAH! SHIT.

- SOUNDS LIKE
HE DID THE HORSE IN!
- SHH, KENNY!

I NEVER THOUGHT
WE SHOULD BE LOOKING
FOR THE HORSE.

I THOUGHT WE SHOULD
BE LOOKING FOR MONTE.

GET THE JEWELS OUT OF HIM
THE SAME WAY WE WERE GONNA
GET 'EM OUT OF THE HORSE.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, KENNY.

WE DON'T WANNA BE STANDING
AROUND DOWN HERE IN TEXAS

RAVING LIKE
A COUPLE OF GANGSTERS.

STOP CALMING ME DOWN.

COWBOYS!

I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW, MAUREEN,

WHEN I FIND THAT PRICK,

I'M GONNA TAKE
A LINOLEUM KNIFE

AND CARVE HIM
A BRAND-NEW ASSHOLE.

I AM NOT AGAINST IT.
HONESTLY, I'M NOT.

AM I RIGHT IN
CONCLUDING WE'RE HEADED
FOR STEAMBOAT SPRINGS?

WHERE ELSE?

I LONG TO HOLD
MY GODDAUGHTER
IN MY VERY OWN ARMS.

COME ON!

NOW WE GO TO THE MORMON
TEMPLE VISITORS' CENTER

WHERE THEY HAVE
A NICE GREEN LAWN.

- YOU CAN PLAY GOLF THERE.
- I'M GONNA HIT SOME BALLS
RIGHT HERE.

KENNY, STOP IT.
WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE? SAM SNEED?

"DEAR MOMMY,

I HAVE BEEN PROMOTED
TO CHIEF EXECUTIVE
BRANCH MANAGER..."

I'LL SHOOT YOU
LIKE A RABBIT!

"...IN CHARGE OF
THE ENTIRE SOUTHWEST.
YOUR LOVING SON, POOKIE."

AAH!

Maureen:
KENNY, YOU'D MAKE
A GREAT EXECUTIVE.

KENNY, I'M SORRY!

STOP THE CAR.

PLEASE.
KENNY!

YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

AS WE MAKE OUR WAY

INTO THE HEART
OF THE COUNTRY,

WE MUST REMEMBER TO NEVER
APPEAR CONSPICUOUS

BECAUSE THESE HERE
ARE HICK TOWNS,

AND HICKS HAVE A WAY
OF NOTING--

I MEAN,
NOTICING STRANGERS.

I MEAN, STRANGERS.
OOH, MY SKIN FEELS SO ALIVE.

JUST FORGET IT, MAUREEN.

- WATCH YOURSELF, BOY.
- OH, I WILL.

NOW, WHY DON'T
YOU GO IN THE BACK
AND TURN ON THE TV?

( TV audience cheering )

- Hi, Romy. How are you?
- Good. How are you?

I'm fine, thanks.
You've got your flats on.

You're taller than--
stand up just a minute--

I AM BORED TO DEATH

- OF DRIVING,
DRIVING, DRIVING!
- AAH.

( tires screeching )

( laughing )

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU'RE GONNA STOP
IN THIS NEXT TOWN,

YOU'RE GONNA GET
ME SOMEBODY NOW.

NO WAY.

NO, WHY?

'CAUSE THE NEXT TOWN IS
NOTHING BUT A RADIUM MINE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET 40
DIRTY RADIUM MINERS
IF YOU GET ONE.

- WELL, IT'S YOU, HITMAN.
- NO WAY IN HELL, MAUREEN.

GO SIT ON THE WHEEL WELL
AND FEEL THE BUMPY ROAD,
WILL YA?

I'LL REMEMBER THIS
IN THE MORNING.

MAUREEN, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA REMEMBER A THING
IN THE MORNING.

AND IF I THOUGHT YOU WOULD,
I'D GET YOU THEM RADIUM MINERS.

LISTEN TO ME,

YOU'RE GONNA BE WONDERING
WHY YOUR ASS IS GLOWING
IN THE DARK.

( laughs )

( thunder crashes )

TELL ME
WHAT'S GOING ON.

ALL RIGHT, HERE, LISTEN.

WE'RE HEADED FOR
THE SURVIVAL SCHOOL.

STEAMBOAT SPRINGS,
RIGHT HERE.

NOW LISTEN--
MAUREEN, GET IT TOGETHER.

I HAVE IT TOGETHER.

I'M THE FAIRY GODMOTHER.

YOU'RE THE FAIRY GODMOTHER.

YOU CAN'T GO WALKING
INTO A SCENE LIKE THAT
LOOKING LIKE A KIDNAPPER.

BUT I AM A KIDNAPPER.

TAKE IT FROM ME,
DON'T ACT LIKE IT,

OR IT DOESN'T WORK!

ROSEMARY'S GONNA BE
SO TICKLED TO SEE ME.

WE HAVE SUCH
A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP.

ALL RIGHT NOW, THIS TIME
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.

MM-HMM.
NOW JUST SIT BACK, KENNY.

KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING
AND DON'T INTERFERE.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
WE'RE GONNA BE ONE STEP
CLOSER TO MONTE.

OKAY, I WANT 50 SIT-UPS
STARTING NOW. LET'S GO!

ONE AND TWO AND THREE
AND FOUR.
- MISS!

HI, I WONDER IF YOU
COULD HELP ME OUT

WITH A LITTLE FAVOR.

I'M HERE TO SEE
ROSEMARY LATHAM,
MY GODDAUGHTER.

I GOT SOME PRESENTS
FOR HER DOWN THERE

IN MY RECREATIONAL VEHICLE.

MA'AM, I'M AFRAID
ROSEMARY'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE ARE YOU
GETTING THIS FROM?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, WHERE THE HELL
YOU SENDING HER
LESSON PLANS TO?

TO HER UNCLE'S RANCH
IN DEADROCK, MONTANA,
IF IT'S ANY BUSINESS OF YOURS.

- REALLY? WELL,
TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!
- UGH!

HA!

( screaming )

KENNY, HELP!

KENNY, HELP! KENNY!

KENNY!

- KENNY!
- ( toy guns rattling )

KENNY! AHH!

KENNY!

KENNY! KENNY!

( gunshot )

CHILDREN, FREEZE!

FREEZE!
I WANNA SEE HANDS!

KENNY IS VERY ANGRY!

DROP IT!

- OH, MY KENNY, MY HERO.
- DROP IT!

OH, KENNY.

FREEZE!

DEADROCK--
HE'S IN DEADROCK.

LITTLE SHITS.

THERE YOU GO, BIG GUY.

COME LET THEM GIRLS
KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

NOT THAT THEY WOULDN'T
FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH,
OF COURSE.

- NOW DON'T EMBARRASS
HIM, LAURA.
- OH.

WHEW!

YOU KNOW, WE'RE STARTING
TO LOOK LIKE A FIRST-CLASS
OPERATION HERE.

I JUST CAN'T
BELIEVE IT, BUCK.

THINGS HAVE BEEN
SO ROUGH AROUND HERE.

AND THEN
ALL OF A SUDDEN, POOF.

IF THIS HORSE IS HALF
THE SIRE THAT MONTE
SAYS HE IS...

- YEAH.
- ...AND WE GET, LIKE,
MAYBE TWO-THIRDS

- OF THE MARES IN FOAL...
- YEAH.

...I THINK WE GOT A CHANCE
OF MAKING A GO OF IT HERE.

YEAH! YEAH!

AND THEN YOU THINK MAYBE
WE COULD GET STARTED ON
THAT HERD OF OUR OWN?

OH, YEAH.

DOC, MONTE LATHAM.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO PERFORM
A LITTLE MINOR SURGERY

FOR A MAJOR FEE?

UH-HUH.

Kenny:
I WONDER IF THEY'VE
STARTED HUNTING FOR THE GUY

WHO KILLED THAT GREEDY
VETERINARIAN YET.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE GONNA BE
LOOKING FOR YOU, HITMAN,

BECAUSE ME AND MONTE
AREN'T KNOWN TO THEM.

HEY, MAUREEN,
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE
LOOKING FOR ME OR NOT,

BUT, FRANKLY, I'M REALLY
NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT.

AFTER ALL THE FOLKS
YOU'VE KILLED?

YOU ARE REALLY FUNNY.

YOU ARE A MANIAC.

THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU'RE A MANIAC.

DO YOU KNOW
THE AVERAGE AMERICAN

HAS NEVER SEEN A MANIAC
EXCEPT ON THE TV NEWS?

BUT I HAVE.
I'VE SEEN YOU.

MAUREEN, MY MOTTO IS
DON'T GET MAD, TURN PRO.

PLEASE DON'T OFFER ME
THAT PIG SHIT.

PIG SHIT INDEED.

YOU KNOW, I WAS NEVER
REALLY MAD AT ANY
OF THOSE PEOPLE.

IT WAS JUST LIKE HOLDING
A GUN UP TO A CANTALOUPE.

AND THEN SOME
OF THE NEW IMPROVEMENTS
ARE REALLY GREAT.

WITH THE NEW
MODERN SILENCERS--

A .357 MAGNUM
WITH A SILENCER

SOUNDS JUST LIKE
A MOUSE FART.

YOU HARDLY FEEL LIKE
YOU'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG

WHEN YOU MADE
A LITTLE MOUSE FART
AT A GUY'S HEAD.

IT REALLY SHOULD BE
JUST LIKE A PARKING TICKET.

GOD, I LOVE MY WORK.

Maureen:
YOU KNOW, KENNY,
HE WAS MY NUMBER ONE MAN.

HE WAS MY FIANCE AND
HE STOLE EVERYTHING I HAD.

TO BE WELL FED
AND HAPPILY MARRIED

WAS THE ONLY DREAM
I EVER HAD.

KENNY, FIX ME
SOMETHING NICE TO EAT.

- DO I HAVE TO COOK NOW?
- PRETTY PLEASE?

MAUREEN, I AM SICK
AND TIRED OF COOKING,

I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF EATING,

AND I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF YOU WATCHING ME

AS IF I'M EATING
ALL OF YOUR FOOD.

OH, I HURT YOUR FEELINGS,
DIDN'T I, KENNY,

WITH ALL MY LITTLE REQUESTS.

I KNOW YOU, KENNY.

YOU WANNA SPREAD YOUR WINGS
AND YOU WANNA KILL SOMEONE.

WELL, JUST BE
A TINY BIT PATIENT
FOR ME, OKAY?

OKAY.

LET'S HAVE A LITTLE
TURKISH FIG.

I SAID FIX ME
SOMETHING NICE.

( glass shatters )

YOU KNOW, IT JUST HIT ME.

WHAT HIT YOU?

WHY I'M NOT TOO
COMFORTABLE WITH THIS--

YOU KNOW, WITH MONTE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
YOUR DREAM, BUCK.

I THOUGHT WE WERE RESURRECTING
YOUR WAYWARD BROTHER

AND GETTING TO STAY
ON THE PLACE.

WE ARE, BUT IT'S
JUST BEEN TOO EASY.

TOO EASY, FOR WHOM?
YOU?

NO, IT HASN'T BEEN
EASY FOR ME.

IT'S BEEN EASY
FOR MONTE.

WELL, HE'S AT HOME,
HE'S DOING HIS VARIOUS DEALS,

BUT IT JUST--

IT MAKES WHAT
WE'RE DOING HERE
LOOK PRETTY MENIAL.

THAT'S RIGHT, BUCK.

THAT IS JUST ABOUT EXACTLY
THE WAY THAT I SEE IT.

I GUESS IT TOOK ME
A LITTLE WHILE TO FIGURE
IT OUT, THAT'S ALL.

Monte:
HEY, LAURA, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW'D YOU FEEL
ABOUT OLD MONTE
CALLING OUT FOR A GIRL?

A WHAT?

YOU KNOW, A PROSTITUTE.

COME ON, MONTE.

I'M A LONELY SUCKER, LAURA.

I'M A PRETTY SOLITARY BOOGER.

- I NEED A HOME.
- FOR YOU AND THIS HOOKER?

- MM-HMM.
- ( chuckling )

( Buck clears throat )

I GOTTA GO.

Monte:
WHAT DID I SAY?

GOOD-FOR-NOTHING
LOWLIFE SWINDLER.

COULDN'T PAY
A PROSTITUTE ENOUGH

TO GO TO BED WITH HIM,
THAT UGLY DOG.

Maureen:
I WANTED MONTE
TO MARRY ME.

I ALWAYS LOVED MONTE.

EVERY GIRL HAS A DREAM,
KENNY.

AND MINE HAS
ALWAYS BEEN

TO FIND ME

A COMPLETELY DISHONEST
COWBOY LIKE MONTE.

Maureen:
HE WOULDN'T MARRY ME.

HE LET ME EAT ALL I WANTED,
BUT HE WOULDN'T MARRY ME.

AND NOW...

I HURT VERY MUCH
BECAUSE MONTE WOULD
NEVER MARRY ME.

( crying )

( both crying )

YOU KNOW WHAT, KENNY,
I THINK HE'S GONNA
GO SOMEWHERE,

AND HE'S GONNA TAKE
THE JEWELS AND THE MONEY,

AND HE'S GONNA
THROW 'EM AWAY

BECAUSE HE CANNOT DEAL
WITH MY LIBERATION.

( grunts )

DO YOU HAVE THOUGHTS
ABOUT ME?

YOU KNOW,
THAT SHAKE YOU UP?

YEAH, I DO, MONTE.

I DO.

FEEL LIKE
SHARING THEM?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO?

YEAH, IT COULD BE
REAL NICE, LAURA.

ALL RIGHT, MONTE,
I WILL.

I CAN'T HELP
FEELING A BIT--

BE BRAVE, LAURA,
JUST SAY IT RIGHT OUT.

I CAN'T HELP FEELING
THAT YOU'RE STILL
VERY MUCH

OF A SWINDLER, MONTE.

- A SWINDLER?
- LIKE YOU ALWAYS WERE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE
RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

BUT, HELL, LAURA,
EVEN A SWINDLER
GETS HOMESICK.

I'M S--
I'M SORRY, MONTE.

BUT, LOOK, MORE IMPORTANT,

MY DAUGHTER'S COMING
AT 2:00.

- ROSEMARY?
- UH-HUH.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ROSEMARY
SINCE SHE WAS ABOUT--

- SHE'S NINE YEARS OLD.
- NINE YEARS OLD?

- YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- WOW.

BUT I JUST WANTED TO CHECK
WITH YOU AND MAKE SURE
IT WAS GONNA BE OKAY.

OH, MONTE...
IT'S OKAY, MONTE.

JUST GIVE ME
HALF A CHANCE, LAURA.

JUST HALF A CHANCE.

I MEAN, I REALLY WANNA MAKE
SOMETHING OUT OF THIS.

BUT I'D FORGET ABOUT
THAT PROSTITUTE IF I WERE YOU.

- ( horn honks )
- Man: LOOK OUT.

Kenny:
I HATE THIS OUTFIT.

I SAID IN
THE VERY BEGINNING,

IF YOU WEREN'T WILLING
TO MELT IN THE BACKGROUND,

THEN WE WEREN'T
GOING TO MONTANA.

I LOOK LIKE GENE AUTRY.

SO RUN FOR GOVERNOR.

WHOO! AH!
COME ON.

( laughs )

Monte:
♪ MY LUCK NEVER CHANGES ♪

♪ I JUMPED ON MY HORSE
AND I GALLOPED AWAY ♪

♪ SINGING KI-YI-YIPPIE ♪

♪ GET ALONG,
LITTLE DOGIES ♪

♪ THE STATE OF MONTANA
WILL BE YOUR NEW HOME. ♪

ROSEMARY WILL ARRIVE
RIGHT OVER THERE,

A 2:00 TRAIN.

MONTE'S GONNA
PICK HER UP.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS FOLLOW MONTE,

AND WE'LL WATCH
FROM THIS BAR RIGHT HERE.

( country music playing )

- HOWDY, BOYS! YEE-HA!
- COOL IT!

- MAY I HELP YOU?
- YES, I'D LIKE A VODKA
WITH A TWIST.

DRAFT BEER HERE, BUDDY.

AND HOW ABOUT A COUPLE
OF SHIRLEY TEMPLES

FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS THERE?

A WHAT?
- WHAT DID HE SAY?

- YEE-HA!
- ( grunts )

HE'S BEEN LIKE THAT
SINCE THE WAR.

HEY, BUCK, ARE YOU
GONNA LET THEM STAY?

WELL, EMMETT,
THAT'S UP TO THEM.

COME ON, BOYS.

HERE'S TWO TOURISTS.

- ANYBODY HOME?
- ( laughs )

- ( growls )
- OOH!

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY.

- KENNY, SAY SOMETHING.
- YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, TOO.

Maureen:
WE JUST WANTED
TO HAVE A COUPLE DRINKS

AND WATCH
THE PASSING SCENE

OUT YOUR FRONT WINDOW.

YOU DRINK UP, HMM?

I DON'T WANT
YOUR BUSINESS TOO BAD.

WE'D REALLY LIKE TO STAY
A LITTLE BIT LONGER.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO TO MAKE UP
FOR MY NEPHEW?

STOP IT.

YEAH, YOU CAN PAY
FOR THOSE FELLAS' DRINKS.

IT'S A DEAL.

WE CAN STAY
LONGER THEN, RIGHT?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.
HOW MUCH?

$410.

GOOD GOD, WHEN DID
THEY START DRINKING?

- APRIL.
- YEE-HA!

WE'VE BEEN CROOKED
BY A FRIENDLY LOCAL.

( train whistle blares )
- GOOD GRIEF!

YOU FORGOT TO PAY ME
FOR THOSE DRINKS.

I'M GETTING IN THE BACK
OF HIS CAR, MAUREEN.

YOU OWE ME ON THEM DRINKS.

I JUST PAID YOU $410,
YOU SON OF A BITCH!

THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW YOU OWE ME
A COUPLE MORE.

YEAH? WRITE YOUR
CONGRESSMAN, PAL.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
COME HERE NOW.

YOU GONNA DUCK OUT
ON YOUR BILL?

WE GOTTA GET YOU DRESSED
LIKE A COWGIRL, HONEY.

WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT
YOU'RE WEARING?

IT'S MY SURVIVAL CLOTHES.

I WAS IN MY "AFTER THE BOMB"
CLASS WHEN THEY TOOK ME OUT.

Buck:
YOU WATCH OUT NOW.

KEEP THE CHANGE, PRICK.

HEY, BUD, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR CHANGE.

I DON'T WANT NO TIP
FROM YOU.

( cash register dings )

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
IN A HURRY, BUT YOU
GAVE ME A 50.

JESUS CHRIST, KENNY,
COULDN'T YOU FIND
ANYTHING SMALLER?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WENT
TO THE BANK, MAUREEN.

I SAID NO BILLS
LARGER THAN 20.

5-- 10.

THAT MAKES 20, 30, 40.

AND THERE IS YOUR 50.

( kisses )

YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
YOUR HAT NOW.

WE ENJOYED IT.

GET THE CAR, MAUREEN.

GET THE CAR!

YOU'RE GONNA DRESS
LIKE A COWGIRL FROM NOW ON.

WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN.
WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER.

THANK YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, SON?

- ( barking )
- AAH, AAH!

WE'LL FIND YOU
SOMETHING IN HERE
WHERE ALL THE COWGIRLS GO.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- SURE, I'M SURE.

( panting )

KENNY, COME HERE.
SHE'S IN THERE.
TAKE YOUR HAT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COVER THE BACK.
- GOT IT.

YOU DON'T WANNA BE
A COWGIRL VERY MUCH,
DO YOU?

I LIKE THE SHIRTS OKAY,
BUT THE HATS HURT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
WHAT'D MAKE YOU HAPPY?

MAYBE ONE SHIRT--
A FLOWER ONE.

Monte:
OKAY, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

( mumbling )
JEEZ, I DON'T KNOW.
UM...

UM...

COWPOKE STUFF.

I'M SORRY, SIR,
BUT I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
COULD YOU SPEAK UP?

COWPOKE STUFF.

I'D LIKE SOME,
YOU KNOW, BOOTS,

10D.

Clerk:
I HAVE TO SHOW YOU
THIS YEAR'S NEW EXOTICS.

- OH, YEAH, OKAY.
- THE LIZARD...

- MM, VERY NICE.
- PEACOCK,

THE ELEPHANT,
THE WATER BUFFALO.

LOOK, SURPRISE ME.

ARE YOU VISITING
FOR THE SUMMER?

HELL, NO.
I'M HERE TO STAY.

Clerk #2:
WHERE'S HERE?

I'M MONTE.
BUCK LATHAM'S BROTHER.

SO YOU'RE MONTE.

- THIS HERE'S
MY DAUGHTER ROSEMARY.
- HI.

Clerk:
HERE WE HAVE THE LIZARD,
THE ELEPHANT,

THE WAXED CALF WITH BOA.
- YEAH.

COME ON, SUGAR.

- THIS IS TAKING A YEAR.
- YOU HAVEN'T TRIED
ANYTHING ON YET.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU
TO PICK 'EM OUT. 10D.

ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU MEAN IT.

HERE'S SOME LIZARD JOBS
IN 10D.

WHERE WAS THAT FELLA
YOU JUST WAITED ON
SAY HE WAS HEADED?

OUT TO HIS BROTHER'S.

- OUT TO BUCK LATHAM'S.
THAT WAS MONTE LATHAM.
- MM-HMM.

- HE'S KIND OF A CROOK,
I'M AFRAID.
- YEAH.

- JUST THE OPPOSITE
OF HIS BROTHER BUCK.
- YEAH.

LISTEN,
I'M AN OLD FRIEND
OF BUCK'S,

- AND COULD YOU MAKE ME
A MAP OUT TO HIS PLACE?
- WELL...

YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY SURE
I'M GONNA GET THESE BOOTS,

BUT LIKE YOU SAY,
I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO,

- AND YOU KNOW--
- WELL, NO, I GUESS
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAP.

CUSTOMER SERVICE
AND ALL LIKE THAT.

DID YOU LOSE HIM?
I SAW HIM LEAVE.

GOD, I FEEL SICK
TO MY STOMACH.

I GOT SO MANY EMOTIONS
GOING--

I GOT A MAP TO HIS HOUSE

FOR THE PRICE OF THE UGLIEST
PAIR OF BOOTS YOU EVER SAW.

DEAD LIZARDS.
$400 BASTARDS.

- THEY FIT?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

DID YOU SEE THAT?

KENNY, I THINK
WE GOT HIM NOW.

OH, WE GOT HIM,
ALL RIGHT.

- I CANNOT WAIT.
- YEAH.

WE'RE DOWN TO
THE SHORT STROKES NOW, BABY.

Maureen:
NOW, KENNY,

WE CAN'T LET THIS TURN
INTO AN ORGY OF VIOLENCE.

WHOA!

Clerk #2:
THE FELLA WAS REAL ODD.

AND HE WANTED
A PRETTY EXACT MAP

UP TO BUCK'S PLACE.

DID YOU MAKE HIM ONE?

YEAH, I DID.
NOW I'M WORRIED.

- WHY?
- WELL, HE WAS JUST
PLUMB STRANGE.

I MADE HIM THE MAP.

HE WENT OUTSIDE,

THREW THE BOOTS
INTO THE LITTER BARREL

AND WENT ON HIS WAY.

HA, I'LL BE DAMNED.
WHAT SIZE WERE THEY?

- 10D.
- WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

THAT'S MY SIZE.
LIZARD, DID YOU SAY?

WELL, I TOOK 'EM BACK
INTO THE STORE.

LIZARD WITH
WAXED CALF TOPS.

CONTRAST STITCHING.

THAT'D BE ILLEGAL
FOR YOU TO SELL THEM BOOTS

AS NEW NOW, WOULDN'T IT?

I CAN MAKE YOU
A PRETTY GOOD DEAL.

COME ON, LET'S GO
SEE 'EM NOW.

I'LL CHECK
WITH BUCK LATER.

NOW I SAY 10D,
BUT IT COULD BE 11.

- CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
- WHAT'S THAT?

WHEN I PUT 'EM ON,
I MIGHT JUST FIND
THE LIZARDS TOO FLASHY.

( humming )

DO YOU SMOKE CIGARS,
ROSEMARY?

NO, DADDY.

GO ON UP TO THE HOUSE,
ROSEMARY.

GO SEE YOUR UNCLE BUCK
AND YOUR AUNT LAURA.

- BUT--
- GO ON NOW, MOVE.

( porcelain clanks )

( gasps )
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH A .45?

UH, WASHING IT.

( hammer clicks )

- ( buzzes )
- Laura: AMEN.

LET'S EAT.

YEAH, I GOTTA HAVE
A LITTLE SALT.

SO, UH, WHAT'S THE SHERIFF
DOING OUT HERE?

YOU KNOW, I'M DAMNED
IF I CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

- Laura: GRAVY?
- YEAH, THANKS.

- DIDN'T HE SAY?
- HE SORT OF DID,
SORT OF DIDN'T.

YOU KNOW, EVIDENTLY,
SOME PECULIAR FELLA

COME INTO THE WESTERN
WEAR STORE IN TOWN

AND ASKED THE OWNER
TO DRAW HIM A MAP
TO MY PLACE.

UM, WHAT WESTERN STORE?

IT ISN'T BUT THE ONE
THERE IN TOWN, MONTE.

WELL, WHO THE HELL
IS IT WANTED THE MAP
OUT HERE ANYWAY?

MONTE, I DON'T KNOW
AND I DON'T CARE.

WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THE SHERIFF SAID

THAT THIS WAS
SOME PECULIAR FELLA?

EVIDENTLY,
HE BOUGHT HIMSELF
AN EXPENSIVE PAIR OF BOOTS,

AND THEN HE
WENT OUT AND PUT 'EM
IN THE LITTER BARREL.

I'D CALL THAT PECULIAR,
WOULDN'T YOU?

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T
THE SHERIFF ARREST HIM
RIGHT ON THE SPOT?

FELLAS, WOULD YOU PLEASE
CONCENTRATE ON YOUR DINNER?

I'M GONNA GO CHECK
ON THAT PUDDING.

DADDY, CHEER UP.
THE PUDDING'S COMING.

YEAH.

COME ON, INFIDEL.

I'M GONNA PUT YOU SOMEPLACE
WHERE YOU'LL BE SAFE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- ( sheep bleating )

UH...

WELL ,I WAS JUST TAKING HIM
FOR A WALK UP THE MOUNTAIN.

DADDY, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE IN SUCH A HURRY?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M ALWAYS IN A HURRY,
AREN'T I?

YES, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
VERY MUCH OF ME.

ROSEMARY, I GOT ALL
THE TIME IN THE WORLD.
COME ON.

OH, THAT LITTLE ROSEMARY
IS SO SWEET.

HMM, YEAH.

SHE SEEMS
COMPLETELY NORMAL,
DOESN'T SHE?

YEAH. I WONDER HOW
LONG THAT CAN LAST
WITH MONTE AROUND.

DID YOU SEE HIS
REACTION TO THE NEWS

THAT THE SHERIFF
HAD STOPPED BY?

YEAH.
SOMETHING OUT THERE
HAS GOT HIM SPOOKED.

LIKE WHAT?

I DON'T THINK
WE WANNA KNOW.

KENNY.

PROMISE ME YOU WON'T
HURT HIM, KENNY.

DON'T HURT HIM.

NO, NO, KENNY,
NO, NO, NO.

KENNY, NO,
DON'T DO IT, NO.

KENNY! OH!

WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN, MONTE.

MAUREEN, KENNY'S GONNA MAKE
A LITTLE MESS

IF I KILL HIM RIGHT HERE.

KENNY, DON'T BE
IN SUCH A RUSH!

I WANNA LOOK AT HIM
BECAUSE I'M SO SENTIMENTAL.

LOOK WHAT KENNY DID
TO YOU.

MAUREEN, PLEASE,
THIS MOMENT BELONGS TO ME.

YOU'RE LIKE A CHEERLEADER
WITH ALL THESE ENTHUSIASMS,
KENNY.

WE SHOULD SEND YOU
TO THE ROSE BOWL

AND LET YOU KILL COEDS.

MONTE AND I HAVE SURVIVED
A JILLION MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

I CAN'T HAVE YOU KILL
MY FIANCE.

I HAVE TO LEARN TO ACCEPT
HIS IDIOSYNCRASIES.

AND SO DO YOU.

THAT'S WHAT LOVE
IS ALL ABOUT.

BESIDES, I'VE CHANGED
MY MIND.

I WANT MONTE TO GO ON
LIVING THE LIFE

OF A CHARMING
BUT DISHONEST COWBOY.

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

THIS IS LOVE,
ISN'T IT, MONTE?

- THE REAL THING.
- OH, IT SURE IS.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, SOMEHOW,

I'VE GIVEN YOU PEOPLE

THE FEELING
THAT YOU CAN USE ME,

THAT YOU CAN DANCE
KENNY AROUND.

I HAVE JUST COMPLETED

THE MOST BORING
2,000-MILE TRIP

FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE
OF KILLING THIS FOUR-FLUSHER.

YOU ARE UNPROFESSIONAL.

BUT I WANNA KNOW
WHATEVER HAPPENED

TO THE RIGHTS
OF THE INDIVIDUAL

IN THIS COUNTRY.

HMM!

THIS TIME, SWEETIE...

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
HONEST WITH ME.

WE ALWAYS DID EVERYTHING
ON A HANDSHAKE.

THIS TIME YOU SHOOK HANDS
AND YOU STOLE THE HORSE.

WHY DID YOU WANNA KILL
SUCH A PRETTY THING?

WHY'D I KILL THE HORSE?

I KNOW YOU DID IT
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU VERY WELL.

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE
THAT HORSE IN ARIZONA.

YOU KILLED HIM
AND YOU TOOK
THE VALUABLES.

WELL, I HAD TO.

HMM.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO
WITH THE JEWELS, HONEY?

MAUREEN, DON'T MAKE ME
HAVE SEX.

THIS JUST DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE THE TIME.

IT IS FOR ME.

AND I'M THE ONE
IN CHARGE NOW, AREN'T I?

OOH, PREMARITAL SEX.

MMM.

( rooster crowing )

( clucking )

( bleating )

( neighing )

( neighing )

I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT IS
THAT LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

IS, YOU KNOW,
JUST A LOT LUCKIER
THAN THE WOLF.

AND THE WOLF IS NOT BAD;
HE'S JUST UNLUCKY.

YEAH, BUT LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD
IS JUST SO ANNOYING

THAT SHE MAKES
THE WOLF CRAZY.

YEAH, I CAN RELATE
TO THAT.

( clucking )

- I COULD EAT A HORSE.
- WHO'S TALKING OUT THERE?

I DON'T KNOW.
KENNY'S TALKING
TO SOMEONE.

HAVE A LOOK, HUH?

I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD'S
A BAD PERSON.

MY STOMACH FEELS LIKE
MY THROAT'S BEEN CUT.

IT'S CLOSER
THAN YOU THINK, HONEY.

MONTE, YOU GET ME
SOMETHING TO EAT.

THERE'S SOME ROLLS AND STUFF.
I'LL GO GET YOU SOME.

YOU WERE GOOD
LAST NIGHT, MONTE.

THANKS.

WE MADE THE EARTH MOVE.

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

I ONLY COME WITH CROOKS.

I OUGHTA DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.

YOU THINK THEY GOT
A SELF-HELP GROUP
FOR THAT?

CROOK FUCKERS ANONYMOUS.

I'LL-- I'LL GO
GET YOU A SNACK.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

WHERE YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?

WELL,
MAUREEN'S HUNGRY.

EVER HEARD OF THAT ONE?

SO I THOUGHT I'D
GO UP TO THE KITCHEN
AND BRING HER A SNACK.

YOU BEEN IN THE RACK
WITH HER ALL NIGHT.

YOU BETTER BE THINKING ABOUT
SOMETHING SCRUMPTIOUS, MAN.

DON'T BE THINKING
ABOUT NO SNACK.

SHE'S LIABLE TO GIVE ME
THE GREEN LIGHT.

I ADVISE YOU TO HUNT UP
SOME GROCERIES.

YEAH.

- PULL! OH!
- CAN'T YOU DO THAT
ANY HARDER?

PULL!

YOU MISSED YOUR BREAKFAST
THIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU?

UH, YEAH.

- AUNTIE MAUREEN!
- OH, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.

YEAH, WELL,

I HAD SOME FOLKS POP UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOUR EAR, MONTE?

YOU'RE LOOKING
REAL SICK, MONTE.

- ( sighs )
- WHAT'S WRONG, MONTE?

THESE FOLKS HAVE GOT
SOMETHING ON ME.

THEY FEEL LIKE THEY GOT
A LIEN ON THAT HORSE.

- THEY'RE FIXING
TO HAUL IT AWAY.
- OH, NO.

- WHOSE HORSE IS IT, MONTE?
- IT'S MINE!

IT'S OURS.

WELL, THAT'S
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

( horse whinnying )

BUCK, IS THERE ANY WAY
WE COULD HIDE THAT HORSE?

WHAT, AROUND HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE IS A WAY.

THERE'S A DAMN GOOD WAY.

CANNING TRUCK
COMES THROUGH TODAY.

I TELL HIM
THE HORSE FOUNDERED
AND WE SEND HIM OFF.

YOU MEAN LIKE
FOR DOG FOOD?

WELL, HE'D KEEP HIM
IN THE CORRAL FOR
A DAY OR TWO.

WE'D HAVE TO GO BACK
AND GET HIM.

YEAH, WE'D WANNA
MAKE SURE WE DID THAT,

OR WE MIGHT LOSE
THE HORSE.

TRUCK COMES THROUGH
ABOUT MIDDAY.

BEFORE THEY GET
TO MOVING AROUND,

MAYBE YOU COULD PUT
INFIDEL OFF SOMEWHERES

WHERE NOBODY'S LIKELY
TO STUMBLE ON HIM, YOU KNOW,

JUST TILL YOU GET A CHANCE
TO HAUL HIM AWAY.

YOU'RE REAL SURE
ABOUT THIS OWNERSHIP,
RIGHT?

OH, SURE AS SHOOT.

- SURE AS SHOOT.
- OKAY.

I'LL TRY TO KEEP
THEM OCCUPIED.

- A FELLA NAME OF KENNY.
- KENNY?

YEAH, AND A, WELL,
PRETTY NICE GAL.

GOES BY MAUREEN.

ALWAYS HUNGRY.

I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT IS, MAUREEN.

- WELL, CAN'T YOU EVEN GUESS?
- NO, I CAN'T EVEN GUESS.

ROSEMARY,
YOU ARE GONNA BE

THE MOST PRECIOUS
LITTLE FLOWER GIRL.

I'M BEGINNING
TO SMELL A RAT.

WELL, TAKE A BIG WHIFF
AND MAYBE IT'LL DAWN
ON YOU, JOE.

- Maureen: WHOO!
- Kenny: WHOO.

KEEP YOUR HANDS
OUT OF THE FOOD, KENNY.

OH, HONEY, THAT LOOKS LIKE
IT'LL STICK TO MY RIBS.

HOT TEA, SCRAMBLED EGGS,
BACON, HASH BROWNS,
WHOLE WHEAT TOAST,

- AND HOMEMADE
RASPBERRY JAM.
- OH.

- DON'T I GET ANY?
- WHY DON'T YOU GO UP
TO THE KITCHEN, KENNY?

MAYBE THEY'LL
FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

THANKS FOR THE FOOD,
PRECIOUS.

NOW TELL KENNY
OUR SURPRISE.

- YOU TELL HIM.
- NO, YOU.

UM, WELL...

MAUREEN AND I PLAN
TO BE...

MARRIED.

( laughing )

( cackling )

THAT'LL DO, KENNY.

I-- I WANT YOU
TO GO INTO TOWN
AND GET THE PREACHER.

NO, KENNY,
YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT.

MAUREEN,
I WANNA KNOW WHY

MONTE IS MARRYING YOU.

HE HAS NO CHOICE.

IT'S QUITE LOVELY.

AND WHILE YOU'RE GETTING
A MINISTER TODAY,

PREFERABLY
NON-DENOMINATIONAL,

MONTE AND I AND ROSEMARY

ARE GONNA BE HAVING
AN ORDINARY FAMILY DAY.

AH.

WELL, DAMN, IT'S A SHAME
'CAUSE HE LOOKS GOOD.

HE'S FOUNDERED,
THOUGH, HUH?

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED, BOB.

APPRECIATE IT IF YOU KEEP
A LOW PROFILE ON THIS.

I'LL TAKE CARE
OF HIM, BUCK.

- YOU'LL NEED TO BRING
ME THE BILL OF SALE.
- THAT'S NO PROBLEM.

JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS
AND I'LL DRAW YOU A CHECK.

NOW, WHEN IS IT THAT
YOU'RE GONNA BE DOING
THAT KILLING AGAIN?

OH, IN A COUPLE DAYS.

GOOD. WELL, I'LL JUST
DRIFT BY MAYBE TOMORROW

AND GET MY CHECK
TOMORROW.

ALL RIGHT,
TAKE CARE, BOB.

THAT WAS SO SWEET OF YOU
TO MAKE ME BREAKFAST.

HOW MANY MORE HOURS
DO WE HAVE TILL WE
GET MARRIED?

UH...

- MORNING.
- BUCK...

I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MAUREEN.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, MA'AM.
- PLEASURE'S ALL MINE,
I'M SURE.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OVER THERE, BUTTON?

I'M GETTING
MY FLOWERS READY.

GETTING YOUR FLOWERS READY?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING
YOUR FLOWERS READY FOR?

UH, ACTUALLY,
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

THAT MAUREEN AND I
ARE GETTING MARRIED.

WHOO! MONTE,
YOU THOUGHTLESS PIG.

GETTING MARRIED?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT?

- JEEZ, HAVE YOU GOT
YOUR DATE SELECTED?
- THIS EVENING.

BOY, THAT'S FAST.

WHERE'S IT GONNA BE AT?

HERE.

WE HOPE THAT'S OKAY
WITH YOU.

- WE DON'T WANNA INTERFERE
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
SURE.

PUT ME ON THE DECORATING
COMMITTEE.

I'VE SENT MY AIDE DE CAMP
TO TOWN TO GET A MAN
OF THE CLOTH.

- IT'S GONNA BE A VERY,
VERY QUIET CEREMONY.
I'LL SAY.

YEAH, BUT DIGNIFIED,
YOU KNOW?

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.
BYE.

OH, DAMN.

YOU REMEMBER ME?

$400 LIZARD BOOTS.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
WEARING THEM?

WELL, I BOUGHT 'EM
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.

AND I BET YOU THOUGHT
I CAME DOWN HERE

TO RETURN 'EM,
DIDN'T YOU?

NO, NOT REALLY.

HERE'S THE DEAL.
I GOT A LADY FRIEND OF MINE

WHO'S PLANNING
ON GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT.

MY JOB IS TO FIND
THE PREACHER.

NON-DENOMINATIONAL.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY
I KNOW IN THIS TOWN.

CAN YOU POINT ME
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

NOW, YOU KNOW,
I THINK JUST MAYBE I CAN.

- LET ME MAKE A QUICK CALL.
- THANK YOU.

JERRY, THIS IS WILEY
DOWN AT THE WESTERN STORE.

THERE WAS A FELLA WHO
STOPPED IN YESTERDAY
ABOUT A PAIR

- OF SIZE 10D LIZARD BOOTS.
- WHAT'S THAT GOTTA DO WITH IT?

HE'S LOOKING FOR
A NON-DENOMINATIONAL
PREACHER

TO MARRY HIS LADY FRIEND.

HMM. WHERE?

BUCK LATHAM'S RANCH TONIGHT.

BUCK LATHAM'S TONIGHT.

OKAY, OKAY,
I'LL TELL HIM.

WELL, NOW HE'D JUST
BE GLAD TO DO IT.

HE'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO STOP BY AND FILL
OUT A FEW FORMS.

LET ME JUST MAKE YOU
ANOTHER MAP.

( knocking at door )

JUST A MINUTE.
I'M TAKING A PISS.

( knocking )

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

- ARE YOU THE MINISTER?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, SON.

- MAY I COME IN?
- YOU BET.

IT'S EMPTY AS HELL IN HERE--
I MEAN, HECK IN HERE.

WE LIKE TO MINIMIZE
THE BODILY COMFORTS.

PLEASE BE SEATED.

MAY I HAVE YOUR NAME,
PLEASE?

WHAT'S MY NAME
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

IS IT A PROBLEM?

NO. KENNY.

THAT'S KENNETH PRUITT.

- THAT'S T-T?
- T-T.

COULD I HAVE
YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE?

LOOK, I DON'T SEE
WHAT THAT HAS TO
DO WITH THIS.

JUST GIVE ME THE LICENSE.
I WORK FOR GOD, SON.

HE DON'T LIKE ME
FOOLING AROUND.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON
FROM DELAWARE I'VE EVER MET.

WHAT TIME
YOU WANT ME OUT THERE
AT THE LATHAM PLACE?

LET'S SAY 7:00, HUH?

YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW
THE NAME OF THE BRIDE
AND THE GROOM?

I'LL FIND THAT OUT
WHEN I DO MY NUMBER.

IT'S ALL INTERCHANGEABLE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT ABOUT BLOOD TESTS?
YOU DON'T WANT A BLOOD TEST?

NO, WE'RE
NON-DENOMINATIONAL.

GO WITH GOD, MY BOY.

GET TO THIS HORSE
AS QUICK AS YOU CAN, DUANE.

OLD BUCK'S LIABLE
TO CHANGE HIS MIND.

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
THE MATTER WITH THIS HORSE,
IT LOOKS TO ME.

BUCK SAYS HE'S FOUNDERED.

HELL, HE AIN'T EVEN
NEVER BEEN CUT.

HE'S STILL A STUD.
I'LL GIVE YOU 40 CENTS
A POUND FOR HIM.

- 50 AND HE'S YOURS.
- BOB, I'M A WORKING MAN.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF
TO KILL THIS HORSE.

YOU ABOUT READY?

ALMOST.

FUNNY THING
ABOUT WEDDINGS,

EVEN ONE AS RIDICULOUS
AS THIS--

- THEY TAKE YOU BACK.
- YEP, TO WHEN THINGS
WERE SIMPLE.

WHICH THEY'RE NOT ANYMORE.

( sighs )
YEAH, I KNOW.

THERE'S STILL SOME THINGS
THAT ARE GOOD, THOUGH, HUH?

- ABOUT MARRIAGE?
- YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

- ( laughing )
- COME HERE, COWBOY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- DOLL ME UP, GIRL.

- YEAH.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO OUT,
GET SOME DECORATIONS.

- YOU GO ON AHEAD, OKAY?
- DON'T YOU LEAVE ME
OUT THERE BY MYSELF.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT THESE THINGS.

- ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT.

PROMISE?

I THINK SO.

KENNY, I'LL SHOW YOU
MY FAVORITE SPOT.

WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES.

Buck's voice:
IN THE MIDST OF ALL
THE ACTIVITY OF GETTING READY

FOR THAT WEDDING,
I NOTICED KENNY AND ROSEMARY

WERE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

I REMEMBER THINKING
THAT THEY HAD GOTTEN
SUSPICIOUSLY FRIENDLY.

I WANT YOU TO TELL
YOUR UNCLE KENNY NOW

WHY A HORSE THAT YOU
CAN'T EVEN RIDE

IS SO PRETTY.

Buck's voice:
IT MUST HAVE BEEN THEN
THAT ROSEMARY TOLD KENNY

ABOUT THE STALLION.

I CAN'T BLAME THE KID
FOR BRAGGING ABOUT THE HORSE.

SHE WAS SO DAMN PROUD
OF HIM.

OH, I FEEL LIKE
THE BELLE OF THE BALL.

I FEEL LIKE
THE TALK OF THE TOWN.

BUT MY STOMACH
IS GROWLING.

- KENNY REFUSES TO DRESS UP.
- HE'S JUST JEALOUS.

- THINK SO?
- I KNOW SO.

THE HOLY OCCASION
WE ARE ABOUT TO SUBMIT TO

WILL LOWER THE CURTAIN
FOREVER BETWEEN KENNY

AND HIS LUSTFUL
DREAMS FOR ME.

HOW'S THAT GO AGAIN?

OH, HONEY, I SEE
A LAVISH SEA CRUISE

AND A LITTLE HOUSE,
SMALL BUT VERY WELL-EQUIPPED.

AND A BIG KITCHEN,
AND THEN ONE OF THOSE
RESTAURANT STOVES

AND A WALK-IN FREEZER.

JERRY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
LIKE THAT?

I COME TO ARREST
YOUR HOUSEGUEST.

I NEED FOR YOU TO MAKE
LIKE I'M THE PREACHER.

YEAH, SO ARE THEY ALL CROOKS
OR JUST MONTE?

- THEY'RE ALL CROOKS.
HMM.

WELL, WE BETTER
LET BUCK KNOW

'CAUSE HE'S GONNA WANNA
KNOW ABOUT THAT OUTFIT.

THAT'S BUCK'S TRUCK.

I WONDER
WHERE HE'S HEADED.

I HAD A FEELING
HE WAS GONNA DUCK OUT.

BUCKY JUST HATES ANYTHING
TO DO WITH RELIGION.

I DO, TOO.

WELL, IT'S GONNA
SIMPLIFY THINGS.

YOU TAKE ME OUT THERE
AND INTRODUCE ME TO
THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

TO MAKE 'EM MISERABLE,
I'M JUST GONNA GO
RIGHT AHEAD

AND MARRY THE BASTARDS.

I'M A JUSTICE
OF THE PEACE.

I CAN MARRY 'EM
IF I WANT TO.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A TURKISH FIG HERE?

- NO, THANKS.
- HAVE ONE!

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD EATIN', HUH?

DAMN GOOD.

- SO WE CLEAR?
- YEAH, WE'RE CLEAR.

HOW FAR IS
THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE?

IT'S NOT VERY FAR.

THAT HORSE IS GONNA
BE THERE, RIGHT?

SHOULD BE THERE.

TELL ME THE TRUTH
OR YOU'RE GONNA
GET THE BULLET

ALL THESE
OTHER PEOPLE DESERVE.

HE SHOULD BE
IN THE CORRAL.

- WHAT IF HE'S NOT?
- HE'S IN THE VAT.

IF HE'S IN THE VAT,

I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE,
AREN'T WE?

MISTER,
IF HE'S IN THE VAT,

THEN HE'S DEAD.

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES THAT MAKE?

- DAMN.
- ( laughs )

DEAD OR ALIVE, HUH?

I'LL HAVE ME
ANOTHER ONE OF THEM.

YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH FIGS.

OH, WHAT LUCK!
MY CATERERS ARE ON TIME.

OH, WHAT BEAUTIFUL FOOD.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

I WANT YOU TO SET IT UP
LEFT TO RIGHT--

TURKEY, ROAST BEEF, HAM,

CHEESE CASSEROLE, FRUIT,
SALAD, AND THEN THE DESSERT.

VERY IMPORTANT.
IF YOU PUT THE DESSERT
ON THE LEFT,

I AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS.

- MONTE, UM, THIS IS--
- COME HERE.

MAUREEN, THIS HERE'S
THE PREACHER.

- SIR, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HOWDY THERE. HI, MAUREEN.

MONTE.
- YES, SIR.

NOW, FOLKS,
I'M JUST A COMMON
COWBOY KIND OF PREACHER,

AND I DON'T STAND
ON CEREMONIES.

I LIKE MY WEDDINGS
LEGAL AND QUICK,

BUT I DO SPRUCE UP
FOR THESE DEALS--

WASH MY NECK AND EVERY
OTHER DAMN THING.

AND TODAY, I GOT
A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS

TO CELEBRATE
YOUR UNION AND GOD.

THE KONA LIZARDS, 10D.

WHY, THAT'S THE KIND
THAT KENNY WEARS.

KENNY? WHO'S KENNY?

OH, HE'LL BE ALONG
AFTER THE CEREMONY.

HE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS.

HE'S STUCK ON ME,
BUT I'M SPOKEN FOR NOW.

Buck: ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY.
- HEY!

WHERE'S KENNY'S HORSE?

USUALLY THEY KEEP HIM
RIGHT HERE.

LET'S SEE.

OH, SHIT, HE'S GONE.

SHIT!

THAT HURT.

HE'S IN THE VAT.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SHUT IT OFF AND LET
IT COOL DOWN.

IT COULD TAKE ALL NIGHT.

YOU'RE IN MY WAY NOW, BUCK.

YOU TALK REAL NICE
TO KENNY.

YOU HEAR ME?

OR YOU'RE GONNA
GO IN THAT VAT

WITH ENOUGH LEAD IN YOU
TO MAKE YOU SINK.

I JUST WANNA GO BACK
TO MY HOUSE.

WELL, FOLKS,
I HATE TO SAY THIS,

BUT I THINK THAT MAYBE
WE'D BETTER TAKE A PAUSE

AND SEE IF THIS
OTHER FELLA SHOWS UP.

THIS KENNY MIGHT VOICE
SOME OBJECTION.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
HE WON'T OBJECT AT ALL.

WELL...

YOU KNOW,
KENNY, YOU'RE QUITE
A TAKE-CHARGE GUY.

KENNY'S SEEN IT ALL.

I'VE BEEN A LONG DISTANCE
RECONNAISSANCE RANGER

AGAINST ANYTHING THAT
UNCLE SAM EVER CARED
TO CALL AN ENEMY.

- HAVE YOU GOT THAT?
- DAMN.

I MADE 23 CONSECUTIVE HITS.

THAT'S AMAZING, KENNY.

JUST TURNING ON THE LIGHT.

THAT'S BETTER.
ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, KENNY,
MY LIFE'S BEEN VERY QUIET,

AND I THINK
ABOUT ALL THESE THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN DOING--

YOU KNOW, MAKES ME FEEL
ALMOST ASHAMED.

- NO TALKING!
- OKAY.

Kenny:
THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH THE WORLD TODAY.

THERE'S NO MORE
PROFESSIONALISM.

NO ONE WANTS TO GET
THEIR HANDS DIRTY

AND NO ONE IS WILLING
TO MESS UP THEIR NICE SUITS.

YOU TAKE IT EASY THERE.

EVERYONE WANTS
TO BE LIKED,

BUT NO ONE'S WILLING
TO TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR THE BOTTOM LINE.

UH-HUH.

WELL, THE BUCK
STOPS HERE, BUCK.

I DON'T SEE MUCH
OF ANYTHING LEFT
AT ALL IN THERE.

YOU KNOW, BUCK,

KENNY LOVES
A QUIET EVENING.

HE LOVES NATIONAL PARKS

AND FIRESIDE MEMORIES,

BUT MOST OF ALL,

BUCK, HE LOVES PEOPLE
WHO DON'T LET HIM DOWN.

- RIGHT.
AND HE LOVES LAUGHTER.

AND HE LOVES RADAR
TO WATCH THE RUSSIANS WITH.

- YEAH.
AND HE LOVES TV.

- AND KENNY JUST WANTS
A CHANCE TO BE A NEIGHBOR.
- OH, SURE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHY I'M TELLING YOU ALL THIS.

'CAUSE I NEED
YOUR HELP, BUCK,

GETTING THIS HORSE
OUT OF HERE.

I GOTTA KNOW
IF I CAN TRUST YOU.

ALL RIGHT, KENNY.

JUST LET'S TAKE
ONE STEP AT A TIME.

ALL RIGHT?

NOW I'M COMING
OVER THERE,

AND WE'LL TALK.

I CAN HELP YOU,

BUT I GOTTA ASK
SOMETHING OF YOU FIRST.

YOU SEE, OUT HERE
WE GOT A CODE--

ONE MAN TO ANOTHER MAN,
SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO TRUST ME.

( sighs )

ALL RIGHT, I'LL HOLD ON
TO THIS FOR YOU.

DAMN.

PALS?

YOU GOT IT.

PALS.

I GUESS I CAN'T TRUST YOU.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

THAT GUN AIN'T
EVEN LOADED.

THAT'S MONTE'S GUN.

GOT MINE RIGHT HERE.

I DON'T WANNA
TAKE ANY CHANCES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NOW, DEARLY BELOVED,
BASED ON THE POWER
VESTED IN ME

BY THE STATE OF MONTANA,
I PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

EWW.

WHERE'S THE FOOD?

WE GOT A COUPLE
OF FORMALITIES HERE FIRST.

MONTE, LET'S START
WITH YOU.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

DO YOU SWEAR THAT
YOU'RE MONTE LATHAM,

- BORN IN DEADROCK,
MONTANA, 1947?
- YES, I DO.

AND YOU, MA'AM,

DO YOU SWEAR THAT YOU'RE
MAUREEN LINOLEUM LATHAM,

BORN IN ENID,
OKLAHOMA, 1949?

WHERE'D YOU GET
THAT BIRTHDATE?

NEVER MIND WHERE
I GOT IT, SUGAR.
HOW DO YOU REPLY?

I SWEAR.

AND NOW, BASED ON
YOUR SWORN TESTIMONY,

I PLACE YOU BOTH
UNDER ARREST.

- ( crying ) OH, DADDY.
GIVE ME YOUR
LEFT HAND ALSO.

I WONDERED
ABOUT THOSE BOOTS.

HERE, GIVE ME THAT.

MA'AM. OKAY.

OH, MONTE,
I KIND OF LIKE THIS.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME WAY
OF STOPPING THIS THING.

YOU KNOW, BUCK,
THAT'D BE THE FIRST
TIME IN KENNY'S LIFE

THAT HE'S FOUND ANYONE
HE CAN REALLY TRUST.

IT'S A FIRST FOR ME.

GOD, IT MAKES ME FEEL
ALMOST HUMAN.

I FEEL LIKE I COULD
JUST LET DOWN
A LITTLE BIT.

I FEEL LIKE
I'VE GOT A FRIEND.

- I FEEL LIKE A NEIGHBOR.
- ( shouts )

( screams )

BUCK, IS THAT YOU?

OH, I WAS JUST LOOKING
FOR THAT OLD HORSE OF MINE.

HAD A CHANGE OF HEART,

BUT IT APPEARS
I'M A LITTLE LATE.

- BUCK, I--
- HE WASN'T JUST FOR ME.

I GOT THIS LITTLE NIECE
WHO'S LOST HER FAMILY

AND SHE'S STAYING
WITH US NOW.

DAMN, SHE LOVED
THAT OLD HORSE.

TELL YOU WHAT--
SELL HIM BACK TO YOU
50 CENT A POUND.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY,
DUANE.

I GOT HIM OVER
TO MY PLACE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

WELL, DAMN.

- ( horn honks )
- Buck: WHOA, WHOA.

HEY, MONTE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING BACK THERE?

I'M UNDER ARREST.

DAMN. I GUESS KENNY RUN OFF
WITH YOUR HORSE, HUH?

Jerry:
WE'LL GET HIM.

REALLY SORRY
I MISSED THIS WEDDING.
I HAD A SHAVING ACCIDENT.

I'LL BE BACK
SOMEDAY, BUCK.

WELL, THE DOOR'S
ALWAYS OPEN, BRO.

- LOOK AFTER
ROSEMARY, WILL YOU?
- YOU BETCHA.

Jerry:
BUCK, I PROMISE YOU THIS--

KENNY WILL BE IN THE CAN
BEFORE THE WEEK IS OUT.

I'M AS CONFIDENT OF THAT
AS YOU ARE, SHERIFF.

I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE
OF THAT, SHERIFF.
KENNY'S FREE.

THE DAY WILL COME
WHEN HE'LL SET MONTE
AND ME FREE, TOO.

( laughs )

THERE YOU GO.

Buck's voice:
WELL, THAT'S WHERE
THE STORY SHOULD END,

BUT IT DOESN'T.

THE HARDEST THING
FOR ME TO ACCEPT
ABOUT ALL THIS

IS THAT SOME PEOPLE
NEVER CHANGE.

THE FIRST TIME
WE VISITED MONTE IN JAIL,

HE STARTED RAVING
ABOUT HOW OUR HORSE
WAS FULL OF EMERALDS.

I HAD TO SMILE
AND REMEMBER MY FATHER'S
WARNINGS ABOUT MONTE.

ONLY HE COULD COME UP
WITH SUCH A STORY.

I TOLD HIM I GOT
TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE
TOO LATE,

BUT TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER,
OF COURSE, I'D SEND
HIM THE MONEY

WE GOT PAID FOR THE MEAT.

AS FOR OUR
NEW EXTENDED FAMILY,

ROSEMARY'S GETTING
PRETTY HANDY WITH
THE HORSES,

AND I'M GAINING WEIGHT
FROM NOT WORRYING.

LAURA WAKES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND STARTS LAUGHING
FOR NO REASON.

THERE'S NOTHING QUITE LIKE
A WOMAN'S LAUGHTER

TO TELL YOU YOU'VE DONE
THE RIGHT THING.

( instrumental music
playing )

DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T
DISPOSE OF KENNY
THAT EASILY?

( laughing )

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A TURKISH FIG?

GO AHEAD.

( instrumental music
playing )