Cold Enough for Snow (1997) - full transcript
Following on from the events in Interview Day (1996), Pippa Lloyd and Neil Whittle have now started going out together, much to the dismay of Pippa's father. They take their A level exams and leave home to go to Exeter University, but drift apart after Pippa falls for another student, Tony Gregg, and Neil finds that he prefers to spend all his time drinking and setting up a pop group. However they eventually get back together again and make the ultimate commitment - by the end of the play, they have a baby! Pippa's and Neil's parents have to adjust to life without their children. Harriet Lloyd has a brief affair with a local antique-shop owner, Gordon Callow; Hugh Lloyd opens an office in Exeter so he can keep an eye on Pippa and make sure she mixes with the right sort of people; Bevis Whittle suffers a mental breakdown but eventually Shani persuades him to go back to the local college in Blackburn where he does a night-school course in Sport Science; Shani herself studies for a degree in Cultural Studies.
[gentle bright music]
Does the M6 north go to
Cambridge by any chance?
Cut it out, Harriet.
Sorry.
Did I accidentally
mention Cambridge?
Only twice in the last
two bloody sentences.
Third time coming up?
Thank you.
So it doesn't go to Cambridge?
For Christ's sake Harriet!
Cambridge was months ago!
Is all this because
we're seeing them again?
Wallace and...
Gromit?
I will no longer be
made to feel guilty
because I didn't go to
a bloody university.
I don't mention Sandhurst
Military Academy
every five minutes because
you didn't go there.
I didn't spend 20 years
of my life lying to people
that I did.
Actually, I wouldn't mind
a few months at Sandhurst.
She's all right, it's him.
The incredible Hulk.
We haven't seen
them since that day.
It'll be just as horrible.
You read stuff
into stuff, you do.
This is us.
Do you feel awful?
A bit of backache.
Nothing too elaborate.
No, I mean, you know!
Doing what we're doing?
Well, it's for his
own good, Shani.
According to the
incredible Hulk, it is.
Too cruel to be kind.
I do feel a bit
[inaudible] even so.
Well, that'll be why
you've got the backache.
Psychosomatic.
My left eye keeps
closing on it's own.
Now, you will try and
be friendly won't you?
Hang on you're coming adrift.
Hello!
Lovely to see you both again.
-You too.
-Very nice.
Hugh? Hugh!
What?
Lovely, all meeting up again.
No one said it wasn't.
-Hello!
-Hello.
She doesn't know what we're
up to, does she? Young muffin.
We told her we were going to
rotary lunch in Gloucester.
Neil's under the
illusion we're visiting
his auntie Gwen in Haslingden.
All set then?
Now to the business in hand.
The position, as
I see it, is this:
for almost two years,
ever since her GCSE's,
Pippa had worked like
the proverbial dervish.
Neil likewise.
I'm sure.
Isn't it Trojan-
They've both happily been
offered places at Cambridge
provided they get three
A's in their a levels.
Cambridge? Right.
In Blackburn, it's
always proverbial Trojan.
However, since they
met at their interview
and unfortunately decided
to become infatuated.
It could be love.
No one saying it
isn't true love.
Since that day Pippa
is a changed girl.
Neil likewise.
Boy.
Mooning around all day,
marathon bloody phone
calls every night,
letters, the size of
the Maastricht treaty
three times a week.
She spends hours
staring in the mirror.
Somehow not with her own face.
I caught Neil talking
to a lady bird.
He said it was an Anglo-Saxon.
I caught Pippa kissing
a packet of parcel
in the utility room.
Enough said.
[easy going music]
[phone ringing]
This is a recorded announcement.
If that's the ugliest
girl in Cheltenham,
you've got the wrong number.
VT is not charging
you for this call.
Are your ears burning?
Being rubbish by our
misguided parents, you mean?
Even as we speak.
Rotary lunch indeed.
They only mentioned they're
going to Auntie Gwen's
27 times.
It's a auntie Gwen
mentioning record.
Off hand,
can you think of anyone
you're madly in love with
at the moment?
At random, say?
Speaking as the dishiest
lad in Blackburn?
The same.
Yes.
So, seven weeks to go.
Therefore, as from
now, phone calls?
Absolutely verboten.
Letters limited to one,
air mail size, per week.
And as opposed to flopping
about like lovesick Limoges,
they sit up straight,
open their books
and revise, revise, revise.
And when they finished
revising, they start again.
Agreed?
I think I can safely say
they'll thank us for it.
[knock on door]
I'll go!
I'm nearest.
He'll be late.
I'll give him a lift.
We hope that you
will pass the test,
and wish you luck
in this endeavour.
To prove you are the very best
and most exceptionally clever.
It's just a
wish-you-luck, really.
All the cards are daft verses.
No, no it's brilliant.
Puts Gerard Manley
Hopkins in his place.
Actually, best way to
bring good luck in exams
is to swallow a live goldfish.
But since you didn't even
finish your corn flakes-
At which point he made
his excuses and left.
I'll run you in son.
I'm off on my bike.
-Aye?
-No!
You'll be puffed in the exams!
Can I drive behind you? For
fear you'll get a puncture?
I miss Wilimina Fluff.
Since when?
Just now.
Well, she's been dead 12 years.
You hated her.
It's weird isn't it?
We had a funeral.
You make us all
sing, run rabbit run.
Good luck, lad.
You show him son.
Mount Nasura.
Mount Nasura.
Your father says to tell
you to read the questions
three times.
He even said it three times.
Good luck, darling.
And you Holly!
You all right?
All right.
Just over 60 seconds
to zero hour,
and then you can
demonstrate to the world
what we lovingly call
our education system.
In front of you
there is an envelope.
Write down your name
and address on it, now.
And leave it on my desk
when the bell goes.
For those of you who
can't spell your own name,
put a description.
For example, Warburton could
write: brain dead pillock.
In August, they will
be posted back to you,
informing you of the appalling
grade you have achieved.
All done? Good.
Right, open your exam papers.
Read the questions carefully,
give yourself time
to answer them.
Harrison don't sit playing
pocket billiards for two hours.
Good luck.
And remember, there's always
a career for you in the SAS.
Loyd's financial
services. Good morning.
One moment please.
Yes, Louise?
No, in the lou I think.
Tea up ladies.
That's my job, Mr. Loyd.
Ah, but my treat, Betty.
Yours marina.
Allison.
Betty.
Joanne.
Capel Cure Miles on hold
on three, Mr. Lloyd.
Oh, let them hold.
What about the workers, say aye!
[confused and shocked murmuring]
It's only for a couple of weeks,
until his daughter's
exams are over.
He was just the same
with her GCSE's.
We don't mark her papers.
Pathetic, isn't it?
Please let today's exams
be easier than yesterday's.
And let her not
get mixed up again
about Henry the fourth and
six because of the one V
and the V one.
And let her pocket calculator
be all right for batteries.
For Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
[exclaims]
Sorry!
No! Me!
Me.
No me.
No really.
You haven't done anything.
Why are you sorry?
I wasn't really looking where-
my fault.
But I nearly scalped you.
Things usually are.
Are you all right?
Fine!
Honestly, I'm just a bit..
at the moment.
My daughter's-
sorry.
Look, hang on two minutes.
I mustn't go scalping
beautiful young women.
I'll buy you a cup
of tea across there?
Settle your nerves.
There's absolutely no need!
Honestly I-
Two minutes!
I've had a big breakfast!
A minute and a half!
You must have a ticket, love.
You never gave me one.
I give everyone one.
There's givers and
takers in this life.
You'll learn that.
Oh, hang on a sec.
Hello?
Excuse me!
Excuse me, love?
You didn't come in.
Oh, sorry Mrs., I forgot.
Not we're regulars, love.
I'll tell you what, I'll take-
Hang on his last one's Thursday.
That's French
comprehension, so four then.
How's tread today? Any luck?
Oh, it's scratch
cards that does it.
Not the bottom write
out are lucky ever
Bevis, can you run
us a paint shop?
I have to pick up
Mrs. Belize Merck.
What's wrong with your fingers?
Oh, nope.
-Ya all right then?
-Yeah, go on then.
Will you be keeping
your finger's crossed?
He'l; be in there
now, young Neil.
Scribbling away.
He did Shakespeare this morning.
A bit of a piggish Shakespeare.
Iambic pentameters,
left, right, and centre.
Bloody hell!
What's happen?
He might be banging in
the middle of his pudding
and that bloody rackets-
Hang on.
What now?
If he can hear that,
he can hear us!
Talking?
No! The engine.
I'll tell you what, we'll
got back way through town.
It's only a mile or two, innit?
Funny enough, I tested him
on his to be or not to be,
on Sunday.
He was spot-on.
Her teaches are confident
she'll get three A's.
Daughter doing A
levels? Oh, come on.
You're too young to
have a daughter of 18!
It's true, I'm afraid.
Well, not afraid, of course.
It's very nice of you to-
Hang on.
Isn't that Spanish colonial?
17th century, in here? Can't be.
Unless of course,
they're unaware.
Excuse me a sec.
Is this anyone's seat?
Yes.
It's my boyfriend's.
Got it!
After the next
bridge we turn right.
Or very possibly, left.
Brilliant.
Or on the other hand, neither.
Or on the other hand, both?
Or plan B.
We do the Van Gogh
museum tomorrow,
and just do Rembrandt House
and Royal palace today.
Yeah, but we did
the Royal palace.
No!
There's one in Prague.
Unless it's on
caster's accord, innit?
Oh, flaming Norah.
What?
From school.
It's Barry Tate and Viola Stot.
What score does
that make it then?
11 from Cheltenham,
6 from Blackburn.
And winning 11-6.
Should have stayed at home
gotten away from it all.
Quick., secret escape route
none only to Orson Welles.
[happy music]
It's you two!
Hello again.
Did you get in?
Sorry?
Queens. Cambridge.
I didn't.
Dear Ms. Botley,
sorry to inform you.
Their loss.
I wrote and told him so as well.
How did you know we applied to-
Mine was interview before yours!
Oh, of course.
Right!
I thought I...
Bye then.
Would you like me to
tag along with you?
That'd be great.
No, really!
At this time?
We've work to go to!
Do you know where we
can find a bulldozer?
He's only away
three weeks, love.
You're not pining,
surely to goodness.
It's going to take three months.
Pining?
He said you hadn't
to touch anything.
I know what he said.
He'll only muck it up again.
It's less than three
weeks now actually.
[doorbell rings]
Taxi is here, Carmella!
For my train!
If you see Mr. Loyd, could you
tell him I'm out for the day?
In Gloucester. Shopping,
Just to do a little
shopping, really.
In Gloucester, with a friend.
Man friend, as a matter of fact.
Tall, dark and handsome.
Only joking.
Yes, Mrs. Lloyd.
[Mrs. Loyd] So sorry
to keep you waiting.
Esperanza!
Ingrid?
Greta?
Hershella?
Yvonne?
Carmella!
Oh yes.
When you see Mrs. Lloyd,
tell her I'm away.
For a few days.
Business trip. Comprende?
Yes, Mr. Lloyd.
End of a beautiful friendship?
No, I can't get it off.
That's what I mean.
You sending it back
to your boyfriend?
It's a wedding ring, I think.
Your husband then?
No, no.
I haven't got either.
Their loss.
It's not really mine.
I found it.
That day at Queen's actually.
On the floor by the main gate.
It's not gold.
It's been stuck ever since.
It's going green.
Actually, I think
it might be mine.
Are you two married, then?
No chance. Do me a favour.
Not likely.
No.
It was my grandma whittles.
My mother gave me it.
Bring me luck in my interview.
Never bought me none.
Have you tried soap?
Everything.
I'll get it cut off
when I get home.
If you give me your address,
I'll post it to you.
[men shouting]
Oh God, Cheltenham
11, Blackburn 8.
-I'm going to sleep, okay?
-Hi men.
Surprise, soding surprise.
This is Shuttlewith,
life president of the
Blackburn idiot society.
Naylor the nerd, so
called cause he's a nerd.
This is..
Samantha Bodtley.
And?
Tony Greg from London.
Moral support, unfortunately.
He's staying at [inaudible]
Cheers.
That one's Pippa.
She's just taggin along with us.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Your turn.
Hi.
Relax! No one knows
you're out here.
I'm silly, aren't I?
Yes, you are extremely.
Oh?
And if that offends
you, hard luck.
I couldn't care less.
You see, you're silly
for saying you're silly,
when arguably, you're the
most intelligent woman
I've ever met.
Really?
You!
I am?
And the loveliest.
Are you clear on that point?
Loveliest?
The most intelligent,
lovely, fascinating-
Not in Cheltenham, I'm not.
Oh.
Gordon?
Stop it.
What if someone-
I don't care if they do.
Actually, I meant to ring
you earlier, but I got-
I had some errands.
Anyway, just to tell you,
Pippa rang this morning,
to say they're having
a lovely time and-
10 minutes at the most.
Don't speak to any strange
men till I get back.
Then you can.
Me!
Did your husband ever tell you,
you have the most musical laugh?
It's just a laugh
Gordon, really.
I don't think he's
ever heard me laugh.
Sorry, Shani.
Anyway, Neil says to tell
you he sends his love and..
Shani, do I sound younger?
Pardon?
Can you tell?
Tell, what?
Enough said.
Nothing has been said.
Is it obvious?
Is what obvious, Harriet?
Harriet?
Are you not telling me what I
think you're not telling me?
He's an antiques restorer.
I suppose he'd have
to be, wouldn't he?
I shan't tell you his name.
It's Gordon.
I've only seen him once.
Twice, actually.
Three times all told.
It's only platonic.
We just have afternoon
tea, and things like that.
Oh God! The sheer relief
of telling someone.
Am I terrible?
Ooh, shocking.
Harriet, can you go back
to the beginning again?
Right, breakfast.
English for a change.
What's the Dutch
for black pudding?
I don't know.
[in foreign accent]
Black pudding?
Jesus.
What?
Not another from Blackburn?
Cheltenham 14, Blackburn 8.
I think you get double
points for this one.
Good morning!
Morning, Mr. Lloyd.
Small world be better!
Micro-bloody-scopic, right?
Your face!
You heard me mention now
Mr. Bruin. Client of mine.
Calls me, says he's
too snowed under
to come trekking
over to Cheltenham
for the portfolio meeting.
So! Stay right where
you are, say I.
Two days in Amsterdam
will suit me fine.
So ring, ring, round the
hostels for one Pippa Lloyd
spinster of this parish.
Well, not exactly this
parish and thought
why not pop in on said Pippa,
and show her the sights.
Take her out for a slap
up, herring or whatever.
And well, hey, bloody Presto.
And tonight, two
tickets for the opera.
Didn't think you'd
actually like opera.
So, good old Amsterdam, eh?
[cheery music]
And Atherton glances
at defined leg
and they're rolling two.
Just one more for a century.
He drives it postman off.
They're running three.
102 to Atherton.
That's the end of the over.
Morning Mr. Whittle!
Who batting?
Lancashire. Atherton's
got his century.
Anything for us?
Six. February, over the long on.
Brings them up to 47.
Ta!
Shani! Shani!
Shani!
Shall I get him up?
Then he'll be up.
Well, it's not bad.
Four hours.
Kettle's boiling, I notice.
Oh not for me love.
My belly's a wash.
No I mean steaming.
You know, with the
steam coming out of it.
Shani, don't even think-
Shh!
What?
Where's his well-done present?
Hello again doomed yet
lovable generation.
Or as we at [inaudible] put it:
bonjour, buongiorno,
and guten tag.
I sent you nine postcards from
Paris, Rome and Amsterdam.
No stamps on them, admittedly.
Should be about the millennium.
Nice time, son?
Brilliant.
Not to mention massive.
Your...
Letter's come.
I noticed my room's been
trashed beyond recognition,
by the way.
Tidied, yes.
Your letter's here.
All my clothes have disappeared.
What letter?
They're hanging in the wardrobe.
This one.
[women exclaiming excitedly]
Holly Roberts got
two E's and a D.
Oh, go on.
She said it's better than
she thought she'd get.
Oh, good.
Nope, we haven't heard yet.
But it's lovely of
you to call and ask.
After all she's
not your daughter.
Chance of what would
be a fine thing?
Gordon! Honestly.
It is not a seductive
speaking voice.
It just happens to be the
way I speak. That's all.
[busy phone line]
[phone ringing]
Loyd's financial services.
One sec, putting you
through. Don't go away.
Yes!
It's Pippa, can I
speak to dad, please?
Yes, Pippa how can I-
I got three A's.
Muffin!
Oh, muffin!
Fantastic! We did it.
We only went and bloody did it!
The bollinger!
It's in the fridge!
-Go get the bloody-
-I won't go.
What?
I won't be going dad.
To Cambridge.
But why? You go what
they wanted three A's-
That's got nothing
to do with it!
It's the last place I'd go.
Do you have a reason?
Yes. I have a very good reason.
You.
I'm sorry.
Anywhere, but there.
Ah hell, they're making hills
a lot steeper these days.
I couldn't think where
you'd rode off to.
You know, how she frets.
And then I though
myself: picnic hill.
That's where he went as a kid
when something sad happened.
You know, to be on your own.
That's it.
Not with a reason, all right.
Yeah. Well, I thought you
might want somebody to
you know.
it's a bugger innit?
The way it goes.
Would have been a bit
special though, wouldn't it?
Having a bath every
Friday in my cap and gown.
Two B's isn't bad though.
Bloody marvellous
compared to some-
They don't have baths in
their caps and gowns do they?
Tradition at Cambridge.
It's not, is it?
Would have been.
I was going to start it.
You all right then,
son? All told?
You know me.
Bugger, innit?
Aye, a bit of an upset.
And I say it's because
of George bloody Formby!
Who?
Whatever his name is!
Neil!
His name is Neil,
as well you know!
All this because George bloody
Formby is going to exit up.
When I rang you, I didn't
even know his results!
I told you the reason!
You're the bloody reason!
This is preposterous! You-
You deliberately-
You jeopardised your entire!
Holly Roberts is
going to Cambridge!
And don't swear, you're
not at school now.
Holly Roberts isn't
going anywhere.
She's applying for
a job at Sock Shop.
Say something, woman.
You must do what you
want in life, muffin.
Oh, thanks. That's a great help.
You didn't though, did you mum?
What do you mean?
What does she mean?
Not now, you don't mean, muffin?
Not now.
Why now?
It's a bit late for doing
what you want now, isn't it?
I don't know what
anybody is talking about!
What about what I want!
Just because I wanted
the best for you!
Because of one white lie!
One bloody day in Cambridge!
Only partly!
And partly the 18
years leading up to it.
What do you mean?
Harriet, what does she mean?
Is there a university in Exeter?
Best thing for colds
and flu is Zinc tablets.
Chew slowly in the
mouth, every four hours.
Four hours.
And Cod liver oil capsules
will do you no harm.
I've packed you a bottle.
And your athletes foot powder.
Foot powder.
Now, if you take a
shirt to the laundry,
which you won't, make sure
you haven't left a biro
in the pocket or chewing gum.
Chewing gum.
You say there should be a
clock tower on the right?
You turn that a clock tower?
That tower with a clock on it?
I'll give you the
benefit of the doubt.
Ooh, and if you microwave
a frozen dinner,
let it stand for three
minutes before you eat it.
Otherwise it goes on
cooking in your stomach.
I wish you hasn't said that.
This is us.
Big day for you son.
Exciting, really.
Yup.
You all right, lad?
Fine.
Are you all right?
I should have written
it all down by rights.
On the headings.
And if you feel a bit
homesick by the weekend,
jump straight on a train.
Lots of students come
home the first weekend.
Some come home every weekend.
Are my eyes red?
Are mine?
Both eyes are blue.
Both eyes of both
of you are blue.
This is hereditary and a fact
of life and irreversible,
unless of course you wear
coloured contact lenses.
I hate being brave.
I do.
When you unpack, don't
hide yourself away.
Make friends. Invite
them in for a cup of tea.
I packed you a Battenburg.
Play them your Beegee tapes.
It'll be fun!
It'll only be me who
likes the Beegees!
In the car, Pippa.
Are you sure you don't
want me to come with?
What on earth for?
She's with her father.
I'll see you at Christmas.
Thanks for everything, mum.
Bye muffin.
Bye.
Muffin!
Yes?
Bye.
Bye.
Books on the bookshelf, right?
Oh yeah, there's a tough one.
Neil?
Paternal next of kin?
Your mattress.
What about it?
It doesn't matter.
What doesn't?
Nothing.
Look, why don't you
just leave this to me?
You two go and have a
rest. Cup of tea somewhere.
I'll be okay.
We're all right.
No! We like helping.
It's better to.
Honest.
Look after yourselves then.
No, house parties
in the backyard.
I'll phone you in a day or two.
We'll write letters.
Treat yourself to
a new writing pad.
I bought one
yesterday. No lines.
Give us a kiss then.
Stingy buggers.
Work hard son. Enjoy yourself.
All I was going to say was
don't turn your mattress
on a Friday or Sunday
because it's bad luck.
[sombre music]
Is he waving?
He's not even there.
Oh.
Well, he does right.
Harriet?
I know it's not Thursday.
I just wanted to see...
someone.
4C.
5-
Ah, C6! That's us!
Home sweet home, eh?
They're addressed to me?
New laptop and printer.
I've got a laptop and a printer.
Last years.
Dad, other people
have pen and paper.
Pencils and paper.
Stubby pencils and paper-
And that's a new duvet.
Book tokens for textbooks.
So that's a hundred
pounds to be-
Stop it! Stop it!
Ms. Jenkins, I presume?
No, miss Brewster.
Ah, yes. Lin Brewster. This
must be Ms. Jenkins here.
How do you do I'm Mr. Lloyd?
That's Pippa.
Hi.
I took the Liberty of
checking, nice girls.
Both at private schools.
Her father's an
actuary from Norridge.
Jenkins is an osteopath
and folks. Sound chaps.
I've spoken to them both.
I'm being a good
father for God's sake!
What? Just like that?
Suddenly one Tuesday afternoon!
The VW convertibles
too big for a box.
That's arriving tomorrow.
Primrose.
All the hundreds of
doctor Spoc's, measles,
and whooping cough when
they start to give cheek.
None about this
though, have they?
We'll be all right without Neil.
No danger.
Who you?
Mount Nasura!
You usually say it
as well when I do.
As a rule.
Oh, just watching the traffic.
It was just like her first
day at school, really.
Except without a
brace on her teeth.
And not being taken by me.
I thought I shouldn't...
brand new life starting
for her and everything.
I thought she doesn't want
her mother comforting her.
A mother needed a little
comfort herself, really.
Not that he wanted me to either.
All her life he's ignored
her and now all of a sudden
he's the great-
I mean, it was
always me and muffin.
Muffin and me.
Always.
You're a sensitive
little soul, aren't you?
You feel things.
You're sensitive-
And then I thought,
she's free now.
She's free of him.
Her life's her own.
You barely look 18
yourself, a baby.
Yet, with the wisdom of-
And then I though, well,
I'm free too, aren't I?
For the first time I
can do whatever I want.
I can run around Herod's
food hall with no clothes on.
I can take up parachute jumping.
Catch a train to see you.
Anything!
You're right. You always are.
Anything!
You're very beautiful.
I've never been right.
I've always been wrong.
And I'm not beautiful.
Drivel!
What?
If I think you're
talking drivel,
I'm damn well going to say so.
End of story.
If you never want to
see me again, fine.
Goodbye.
I'm not sure I'm going
to be any good at this.
It's 20 years too late, and
I wasn't much good then.
I don't think I packed
her hot water bottle.
Would you like to go to bed?
Yes, please.
Very much.
[snoring]
Good evening, I have a
reservation, the name's Lloyd.
Certainly Mr. Loyd.
Three nights in total?
Just till she settles in, sort
out her teething troubles.
I'm sorry?
Three nights, yes.
Initially, she wanted
to go to Cambridge,
but I insisted on the best.
Exeter is my Alma mater.
Why can't I come home?
I have given it a tough, I've
been here for three hours.
Unpacking, crying,
trying to find a phone.
There isn't anyone to talk to!
They've all got friends!
[shouting]
How are ya?
So, discussing the life
and art of Andrew Marvell,
or what?
Some of the piss artists
from the next floor.
I don't know their names,
most of them seem to
be called dickhead.
Just after a few
jars down the union.
Go on, go for his kneecap!
I thought the big
plan was that we'd go
for a veggie burger and
then help each other
-put our posters up.
-Come on we will! We will!
I'll only be an hour or two.
Ah, I see.
Okay, then?
Fine.
Mum? Hi, its me again.
Just in case you'd
been trying to reach me
and couldn't get through.
It isn't an excuse!
Well, let me come home then.
Guten tag.
Sorry, it's evening isn't it?
Guten abend, then.
Tony Greg.
The man from Amsterdam.
Hi.
Your turn.
My turn for what exactly?
[sombre orchestral music]
[crowd cheering]
It's a sort of herring bone.
A ticket would have
worked wonders.
You know that it is don't you?
Stuck in my Stephen
King to keep my place.
Yeah, he's a bugger
like that, Stephen.
Why aren't you at the match?
You're supposed to
be at the match.
6.50 love.
There ya are.
Oh thank you.
Bye.
Well, mystery man.
Thought I'd keep you
company for a bit.
You don't have to fret
about me you know, Bevis.
Nothing preying on my mind.
In fact, this your
day off from me.
I'm not keen on going
to be honest these days.
I wasn't in the mood somehow.
Without him?
What Alan Shearer, you mean?
Hey, we have a
decent team without-
No Bevis. I don't
mean Alan Shearer.
I'll make you a brew.
We used to have hot
Bovril halftime.
I'm afraid we don't
run to hot Bovril.
What will you take?
Heather wants to know,
do you fancy a cuddle
on the hoffman press?
Well, the thing is-
I'm on a double yellow line.
Can I help you Madam?
Do you have these in black?
They are in black.
No, I mean, in my size?
What is your size, Madam?
Well, my sister's size actually.
I have a sister.
In Harrogate.
And what size is she?
My husband.
Well, sister's husband.
Brother-in-law.
Does he know her size?
No.
He's Norwegian.
I'll take these instead, please.
Would you like to set
the table for me love?
Right you are.
You're doing it again!
What?
Wandering off when
my back's turned.
You said you'd set the table.
Oh right-
Now you mean?
Oh no, I just thought I'd
watch telly techs for a bit.
You know, weather forecast,
winds fresh to moderate,
Pharos comedy, German bite.
The table first, eh?
According to Heather's sciatica,
it's cold enough for snow.
What?
With our Neil and
that, you mean?
Neil?
That's what you said.
It's cold enough for snow.
And then you started
debating that tale about
Eskimos traipsing off
into it to curl up and die
because they'd no youngins
to bring up anymore.
You know, in Cambridge,
last year at his interview.
I often say it's cold
enough for snow, Bevis.
It's something I say.
It don't just have
to be in Cambridge.
Anyway it's Heather, not me.
I wasn't even
thinking of our Neil.
Yeah. Me neither,
that's what I'm saying.
You know, if Labourer
won the 1983 election
and got the north sea oil,
they'd have been
the ones in power
for the last umpteen years.
Yes, love.
Have I mentioned that before?
Just about once a week
for the last umpteen-
Surprise.
Oh, god.
Dad, why?
As if I don't know.
Oh, some commercial
proposition exit I might go.
I'll pop down a couple
of times a week,
chase up the chamber of
commerce, make a few contacts,
sniff out the local money,
city council, university-
University?
Oh, it's time we branched out.
Oh, god.
[Bevis groaning]
Bevis?
Bevis?
I was just-
I was just singing.
And shouting.
Twist and shout.
[Bevis crying]
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Just cry it all away.
I cry myself dry sometimes.
Empty.
That's good.
Nobody hears me though.
It don't matter if they do.
In the car on my way to work.
Sometimes I put my wipers on.
I think it's just a
little bit of flu,
you know something like that.
I think I'm a bit run down.
Probably, yeah.
Dark night.
Were you in his room?
Who's?
No, no, I was just-
I was just studying
a sort of style.
I just thought I'd make
a bit of a tinge, really.
Liven the place up a bit.
[laughing and crying]
Let's go down then.
Have a nice cup of tea.
In a minute.
I'll just hold you, eh?
For a minute.
I'll just hold you.
That stuff about Labour
and north sea oil
isn't the only one, is it?
Popping up in my head?
All of a sudden, for no reason.
Bervis, finished
with your paper?
I've a whole daft
list of daft thoughts.
Stuck in there hiding.
Bevis?
Queuing up for their turn.
Hello? Commander to
base, commander to base!
Teddy to zombie!
Have you finished
your crossword?
Yes.
Well sling it over then.
Jesus, if you want to do it.
You haven't done one.
I couldn't find my pencil.
There.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I thought you said-
Well, go on then.
What?
Your bloody pencil!
Right.
You know what's the best thing
about working with Bevis?
Say no.
No.
There's never a cross word!
Do you get it?
Crossword?
Good, innit?
Bloody hilarious really.
[laughing intensifies]
It's not that bloody hilarious.
-[manic laughter]
-Bevis?
It's not funny! Give
over for Christ's sake!
[laughing dies down]
Thank you.
Bloody hell!
Ignore him! You laugh
as much as you want.
I don't want to.
Go on, it's a free country.
I don't want to now.
Nice up and down
will do you fine.
Good, good, good.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well-played sir!
Closer than I thought.
Much.
No, it's perfect.
You allowed for the
slioe beautifully.
I'm going to give you that one.
Your match old man.
Thanks.
So, how do you think young
Pippa is getting along then?
Academically?
Essays up to scratch?
Pippa?
Yes, my daughter Pippa Lloyd.
I don't have a
Lloyd in my class.
First year English.
Ah, no I don't do
first year, you see.
Oh, well, it's fine, no
matter. Not important.
The game's the thing, eh?
Is it going to take
long, do you reckon?
[nostalgic music]
That's enough!
Enough footballing,
your teas will be ready!
Neil I shan't tell you again!
Get in and get
your knees washed!
What's he on about?
There is no Neil!
No Neil, no I don't mean Neil.
Who the heck do I-
No, I mean some other...
Bevis! In now before
I [inaudible] off!
Bevis! In now!
There's no Bevis neither!
We've been hanging about
nearing enough two hours.
The RAC said...
No Bevis?
What ever happened
to Bevis then?
Where's Bevis?
I'll give you another.
In the boy scouts.
A trip to Pendle, wanting
to strangle Mickey Swan
cause he'd got
some ice cream left
and mine were all finished.
And all them years since,
it's still in me head.
Every couple of months or so..
Bingo.
Mickey Swan's got ice
cream and I haven't.
It's stupid.
Give you another one.
Why are the letters
of the alphabet
in the order that they are,
and why shouldn't it be
A, B. C, O, C, P, E, F, Z?
What are they doing in there?
Thinking them, over
and over, all my life.
Same daft little list.
Now in the room
on Jupiter except
he's hundreds of years older-
what's it mean?
I don't even care what it
means. I never bloody did.
So why bother thinking it?
It would be 2001 in real life.
And I'll be hundreds
of years older.
With nowt to show from.
Go to work, come home,
go to work, come home,
fix the light in the attic,
get a pair of shorter
laces for Neil's trainers
before he breaks his neck.
I will tomorrow.
Oh, hang on.
That was his first pair.
Dim and distant past.
And that's it.
All passes doesn't it?
Everything.
Dim and distant.
Gulf war? What Gulf war?
It's all forgotten.
All the famous men and women.
Great geniuses, all the
heroes changing the world,
and all the millions of
heroes we've never heard of.
Done stuff that
no one ever knew.
And never will know.
So, what about them?
Live's gone with nowt to show.
What about them?
Bevis Whittle.
Nowt to forget because there
was never nowt to remember.
[sombre music]
Bevis?
[mysterious music]
What are you doing?
What? I slipped, I was just-
-Come on love, come here.
-I woke up and I-
Geez, I'll run you a bath.
Back in bed.
I'll get you a pair
of fresh jims on,
I'll make some hot water
bottles, hot drink.
It'll get you better.
Everything, better.
Things will happen.
I'm not the wicked witch
of the north for nothing.
I'll make them happen.
Good lord, to what do
I owe the honour of-
Shouldn't Ms. Reed have
gone to collect my lunch?
Anything wrong?
I was just passing.
Thought I'd pop in and say-
No, I was just grabbing
a bite between meetings
been nonstop all morning.
Come in, come in, come in.
How much do you need?
What?
Is it cash?
Not cash.
People.
People? What kind of people?
I can't think of a
suitable adjective.
Lecturers?
Men.
I knew there was a word for it.
George Formby?
Otherwise known as?
Oh, whatever.
Nigel, Norman, Neil.
Well done.
No, not Neil.
I haven't seen him all term.
It's no one you know.
The tulip of Amsterdam.
And he's upsetting you?
No, not really.
Ignoring if anything.
It's nothing, nothing. I just
get a bit fed up, that's all.
Everyone does,
it's midterm blues.
It's just-
it's like one minute
it's undying love,
and the next I don't exist.
Men can be like that.
My very point.
Taking things for
granted. Other people.
Or who seem to.
They don't really mean to Pippa.
They do feel, what other people
accuse them of not feeling.
It's just that...
it's just that they-
they don't get
round to showing it.
That's all.
For three whole bloody weeks?
Oh, sometimes longer.
Sometimes...
sometimes 18 years, some chaps.
Can I have some of your pizza?
Oh, certainly.
You look fabulous.
I look terrible! I had
my hair done yesterday-
I thought so, it's gorgeous!
She made an absolute
pig's buttock out of it,
and the colours all-
No, the colour
particularly is terrific.
Do you like it with
bits of bacon and tomato
rolled into it?
Sorry?
Just now, on the train.
Some oath tripped in the
aisle and squashed half his
bacon and tomato
roll on my head.
And quite honestly, I
think I'd like to go
straight back home.
Harriet, you see there's
your sense of humour.
Humour in adversity is
one of the most admirable-
Gordon! I don't have
a sense of humour,
in or out of adversity.
I'm not beautiful, my
hair isn't gorgeous.
And I'm not any of the
things you say I am.
Worst of all, I'm
not even me anymore.
I can't be what I'm not.
I don't like what I am,
but at least it's me.
And if I'm all that marvellous,
what am I doing with you?
I'm sorry, Gordon. Goodbye.
Do I get a goodbye kiss?
From the most beautiful
lips in the world?
Gordon, they're just lips!
Chapped ones!
Don't ring! Bevis
is having a lie in.
Still a bit off colour, is he?
A bit.
That didn't look so
happy with itself either.
I know. I thought it best
not to stick it through
your letterbox.
It's addressed to Neil.
Just the one, is it?
John Crawley.
Singled a third man.
Right.
Just Neil.
No sir name, please forward.
Not in that state you can't.
Well!
Best one in the world!
It is, isn't it?
It's what?
I gave it to him last
year; what's it doing in-
Dear Neil, one lost ring
enclosed as per promise.
I hope all is well...
you see?
It is hers. Only cut.
Who's.
All well in Cambridge,
if that's where you are.
I'm in college in Wolverhampton,
so I can still live at
home with my mom's cooking.
Isn't there any
college in Blackburn?
You should have applied there
unless you can't stomach
your mom's cooking.
Cheeky bugger.
Still, their loss.
Yours, sincerely,
Samantha Bodily.
Miss.
What's up?
That's where she used to do
her office cleaning, isn't it?
Who?
Grandma Whittle.
Wolverhampton?
Blackburn college before
it were a college.
Years back.
That big building
on Blakey More.
Oh, it makes me feel funny.
What does?
Her very ring. Inside
the very letter,
that's talking about
the very place-
Isn't it just coincidence?
Sort out any customer's
for me, will ya?
Where are you going?
I shan't be 10 minutes.
Can I help you?
I'm not sure, to be honest.
Sounds crackers really, but
I was just looking for a sign.
What sort of sign?
The prospectus you mean?
That one?
Yes.
It could be, couldn't it?
Who knows?
Thank you very much.
You'd enjoy it, Bevis.
There's all sorts.
There's motor
vehicle maintenance-
Shani, I've been doing
motor vehicle maintenance
for the last 26 years. I don't
like it, I bloody hate it.
There's computer
technology, engineering,
there's hundreds of them!
Sports science!
Modules include PE, recreation
management, referee-
Shani!
Go on!
There's everything!
Part-time courses,
two years, three!
Are you looking?
Shani!
You can take your GMVQ's,
Air levels diplomas.
You can get a degree! Like Neil.
Shani love, I'm too old
for the knacker's yard.
Let alone night school.
It's not night school,
it's proper college.
Mature students!
It's something
fresh to do in life.
You know like Neil is.
When he was little,
he copied us.
That's how kids learn isn't it?
We can learn from him now.
I mean I could enrol.
Keep you company like.
Oh, there's, there's,
there's, there's catering!
There's, there's,
there's hairdressing,
there's cultural
studies. Where's that?
Yeah, modules include rituals,
myths, superstitions...
Omens.
You see! That's a
bloody omen in itself.
We could go together,
of an evening.
Maybe have a spag bol,
or something, after.
And you'll-
you'll come to life.
It's worth a go.
Neil would be proud of you.
I would.
You would.
Please get better, Bevis.
Don't, love.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Come on.
Nice pictures.
[uptempo music]
You stupid moron! Are
you tired of living?
You stupid bloody-
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry about that.
Me too.
Nice.
Thanks.
What you doing driving it on
your tod, it's got L plates.
Just thought, while
no one was looking.
Including you.
Including me.
I take my test in two weeks.
Oh, you'll walk it.
You reckon?
You might be better off
walking it than driving it.
Thanks.
So, how are you
doing these days?
Brilliant. You?
Yeah. Massive.
How's what's his name?
Ask every girl in
first year Geography,
they know better than I do.
Oh, sorry.
That's cool.
Right.
How are all your fellows then?
The ones all called Dickhead?
We formed a band,
do the odd gig.
Guess what we're called?
The dickheads?
Got it.
We get a bit brassed off
with each other, actually.
I'll see you.
Right.
When?
Pardon?
Do you fancy a jar?
Lunchtime in the union?
Hang on.
Half a jar?
Half a jar between us?
Straws are on me.
So?
Weird woman kissing
even weirder man.
Read the back.
Your mother is having an affair.
She was seen virtually doing
it in the railway station.
I thought you should know.
Well-wishes.
It's from Holly Roberts.
She used to be at my school.
I know her handwriting.
Your mum?
That nice mum with a handbag?
I dunno, I mean the
minute I left Cheltenham,
they both gone barking mad.
Got a busy night, have you?
Essay, sort of date,
and a driving lesson.
Right.
You?
Two essays, three
tonnes of ironing,
and a rehearsal
with the Dickheads.
Okay.
Is that yours, or mine?
Half each?
What time can I see you then?
About eight?
Neil. Neil?
Christmas.
Sorry?
The Christmas vac.
Great timing.
I want you to come home to
Cheltenham for Christmas.
We've got a creaky
floorboard on the landing,
but I don't care.
Cheltenham?
My mother would through
the mother of all wobblies!
She's kill me to death.
She's been billing
King Edwards for weeks.
She's contemplating stuffing
a Turkey with fairy lights.
Bring her.
Bring both of them.
They'll just say no.
Come to think of
it, so will yours.
Very loudly.
They can't, any of them.
If I tell mine, I shan't go
unless you're all invited
and you tell yours,
you'll go alone,
unless they all come with,
then they have to say yes,
whatever we ask.
Otherwise, they'll think
they'll lose us altogether.
They can't win.
Well?
You're on.
I don't know what
drives them to have kids
in the first place.
Me neither.
Then there was the guilt.
And the sheer bloody effort.
Not to mention the train fairs.
Such a relief, it's over.
I'll tell you something,
now you look younger.
Did you...
Did you um...?
All the time.
You didn't?
Nearly once.
Ah, so you and Mr. Loyd?
I mean, it's not like it's
a case of separate beds
or anything?
I've gone right back to
being 18 in the ladies
at the maca ballroom.
Trying to stop me
bra from digging in.
It's been separate
beds for a long time.
Oh yes, well...yes.
It's cooler in the
summer I expect.
And in the winter
and all really.
It's not easy being
a woman, is it?
I reckon it's not
that much of a doddle
being a chap either.
No.
Bottling everything up.
Do you get much in the way
of road rage, in Cheltenham?
Every day.
Mostly from me.
He doesn't bottle anything up.
Oh well.
I happen it's just Bevis then.
Oh?
I thought he seemed
in great form?
Now, yes.
Well, from the minute Neil
walked through the door, really.
Mind you, he had a
belting assessment
from Mr. Barry at the end
of term, that's his tutor.
And 77% for his project
on premiership referees.
No?
Yeah, I am-
I scraped a B plus
for me last essay.
Not that my course is much
easier than his, you see.
Nothing's burning, is it?
Oh!
Is there an off licence near by?
Hmm?
Well then if you sink or
fall before we sit down,
rest of us can
make do with lager.
I'm just a bit on edge.
You know, Christmas,
it's traditional.
Is it with me being here?
Course not!
Creaky floorboard?
No.
My mum and dad?
No!
Doesn't leave anyone else.
Yes it does.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Cheers.
[laughing]
Cries of good old Neil's dad
were heard to run the air.
You don't tell him
stuff about me, do you?
All the various exploits.
Stuff you told me.
Or I'll regale them
something rotten I do.
You don't?
He just said!
Not about me I hope?
Both of you!
Mostly dad if it's about sport.
Oh, and none of
them had an answer
to your order of
the alphabet thing.
And one of them is a
second year linguistics.
They don't want regaling
about me for heaven sake,
do they Hugh?
And you have your
own lives to...
banding my name all
over the university!
Do you Pippa? Tell
your friends about me.
Well, I've no need, have I?
You've already told them
everything there is to tell.
Dad's been treating us
to a Chinese once a week.
In Exeter?
Socialising, you understand?
Helping her settle in, meet
the right kind of people.
What, in Exeter every week?
I think she, she values it.
Looking after her,
giving her my time.
After all, that's
what fathers are for.
Well, yes.
Sort of.
Well, no, actually, isn't it
more what husbands are for?
Sorry.
Look you know, the first
term is always weird.
Everyone freaks out a bit.
Me and Neil didn't even-
Neil and I, dear. I think.
Till about three weeks ago.
I and Shanie have
been all right.
What did you mean Pippa?
All I'm saying dad, is that
I'm okay now on my own.
I don't need looking
after anymore.
Husbands are for
providing Pippa.
Ceramic Hobbes, use
of the range Rover,
letting them make
hair dresses, rich.
Giving.
Tokens of appreciation, respect.
Are these things supposed
to have the consistency
of cannonballs?
Oh, to hell with it.
She is having an affair!
More turkey, anyone?
White meat or dark?
Well, I wouldn't decline
an extra portion of-
[Loyd laughing]
Don't be ridiculous Pippa.
Holly Roberts saw her.
Would you pass your father
the gravy, please Neil?
Why is it ridiculous, Hugh?
Well, if you can't see why.
I'd like you to tell me.
Women who have affairs are...
well, they're not like you.
Oh?
What are they like?
Oh, they're like...
they're like...
they're like women
who have affairs.
Look is this some sort
of Christmas party
game, young lady?
Charades? Some kind of childish-
I suppose it is
some sort of game.
Exactly!
That's exactly what it is!
If you say so, who
am I to contradict?
Good. So, is the
Christmas pud ready then?
With lashings of Brandy butter?
If you say so, dear.
I'll give you a hand.
No, no, no!
She can manage,
can't you Harriet?
If you say so, dear.
Oh women, right?
Right.
You know the best
way to change sex?
I read it in a book in
the college library,
under myths and superstitions.
You have to kiss your own elbow.
I mean, you can always kiss the
other one to change it back.
Well, it won't reach.
I think that's the idea.
I'm sorry, mom.
I'm not.
Pass me the sauce pud, darling.
Good girl.
Very good girl.
It's all a matter of
letting go, you see.
You'll excuse me for
imparting advice, but
we have to wave them
a fond farewell.
Let them get on
with their lives,
while we get on with ours.
Refill anyone?
Oh, I could have
got that for you.
No, no, it's Christmas.
That's what I mean.
You just talk your men's talk.
Harriet?
We'll play a proper
game shortly,
as trivial pursuit or
something. Just the four of us.
The kids can go out
and do whatever.
Incidentally, just out of
interest, not important.
Holly Roberts is a born liar.
Her father is a solicitor.
No one in Cheltenham
would believe her.
So, I think we can
ignore the whole thing
as if it never happened.
Which it didn't.
If you say so, dear.
Absolutely.
[horns playing]
Pippa, for God's
sake we're late!
Well some things
can't be rushed.
Today they can!
She had to have ten
minutes each side.
[listing students names]
[listing students names]
[listing students names]
Shani Alsace-lorraine Whittle.
[crowd applauding]
[Neil shouting]
This is going to be
of Shani, mainly.
Shani mainly, all right.
Shani mainly! Smile.
Ready?
You come in this one,
give that chap the camera!
Would you mind?
Is that all right?
Ooh! Very academic.
Are you ready?
[sombre music]
Does the M6 north go to
Cambridge by any chance?
Cut it out, Harriet.
Sorry.
Did I accidentally
mention Cambridge?
Only twice in the last
two bloody sentences.
Third time coming up?
Thank you.
So it doesn't go to Cambridge?
For Christ's sake Harriet!
Cambridge was months ago!
Is all this because
we're seeing them again?
Wallace and...
Gromit?
I will no longer be
made to feel guilty
because I didn't go to
a bloody university.
I don't mention Sandhurst
Military Academy
every five minutes because
you didn't go there.
I didn't spend 20 years
of my life lying to people
that I did.
Actually, I wouldn't mind
a few months at Sandhurst.
She's all right, it's him.
The incredible Hulk.
We haven't seen
them since that day.
It'll be just as horrible.
You read stuff
into stuff, you do.
This is us.
Do you feel awful?
A bit of backache.
Nothing too elaborate.
No, I mean, you know!
Doing what we're doing?
Well, it's for his
own good, Shani.
According to the
incredible Hulk, it is.
Too cruel to be kind.
I do feel a bit
[inaudible] even so.
Well, that'll be why
you've got the backache.
Psychosomatic.
My left eye keeps
closing on it's own.
Now, you will try and
be friendly won't you?
Hang on you're coming adrift.
Hello!
Lovely to see you both again.
-You too.
-Very nice.
Hugh? Hugh!
What?
Lovely, all meeting up again.
No one said it wasn't.
-Hello!
-Hello.
She doesn't know what we're
up to, does she? Young muffin.
We told her we were going to
rotary lunch in Gloucester.
Neil's under the
illusion we're visiting
his auntie Gwen in Haslingden.
All set then?
Now to the business in hand.
The position, as
I see it, is this:
for almost two years,
ever since her GCSE's,
Pippa had worked like
the proverbial dervish.
Neil likewise.
I'm sure.
Isn't it Trojan-
They've both happily been
offered places at Cambridge
provided they get three
A's in their a levels.
Cambridge? Right.
In Blackburn, it's
always proverbial Trojan.
However, since they
met at their interview
and unfortunately decided
to become infatuated.
It could be love.
No one saying it
isn't true love.
Since that day Pippa
is a changed girl.
Neil likewise.
Boy.
Mooning around all day,
marathon bloody phone
calls every night,
letters, the size of
the Maastricht treaty
three times a week.
She spends hours
staring in the mirror.
Somehow not with her own face.
I caught Neil talking
to a lady bird.
He said it was an Anglo-Saxon.
I caught Pippa kissing
a packet of parcel
in the utility room.
Enough said.
[easy going music]
[phone ringing]
This is a recorded announcement.
If that's the ugliest
girl in Cheltenham,
you've got the wrong number.
VT is not charging
you for this call.
Are your ears burning?
Being rubbish by our
misguided parents, you mean?
Even as we speak.
Rotary lunch indeed.
They only mentioned they're
going to Auntie Gwen's
27 times.
It's a auntie Gwen
mentioning record.
Off hand,
can you think of anyone
you're madly in love with
at the moment?
At random, say?
Speaking as the dishiest
lad in Blackburn?
The same.
Yes.
So, seven weeks to go.
Therefore, as from
now, phone calls?
Absolutely verboten.
Letters limited to one,
air mail size, per week.
And as opposed to flopping
about like lovesick Limoges,
they sit up straight,
open their books
and revise, revise, revise.
And when they finished
revising, they start again.
Agreed?
I think I can safely say
they'll thank us for it.
[knock on door]
I'll go!
I'm nearest.
He'll be late.
I'll give him a lift.
We hope that you
will pass the test,
and wish you luck
in this endeavour.
To prove you are the very best
and most exceptionally clever.
It's just a
wish-you-luck, really.
All the cards are daft verses.
No, no it's brilliant.
Puts Gerard Manley
Hopkins in his place.
Actually, best way to
bring good luck in exams
is to swallow a live goldfish.
But since you didn't even
finish your corn flakes-
At which point he made
his excuses and left.
I'll run you in son.
I'm off on my bike.
-Aye?
-No!
You'll be puffed in the exams!
Can I drive behind you? For
fear you'll get a puncture?
I miss Wilimina Fluff.
Since when?
Just now.
Well, she's been dead 12 years.
You hated her.
It's weird isn't it?
We had a funeral.
You make us all
sing, run rabbit run.
Good luck, lad.
You show him son.
Mount Nasura.
Mount Nasura.
Your father says to tell
you to read the questions
three times.
He even said it three times.
Good luck, darling.
And you Holly!
You all right?
All right.
Just over 60 seconds
to zero hour,
and then you can
demonstrate to the world
what we lovingly call
our education system.
In front of you
there is an envelope.
Write down your name
and address on it, now.
And leave it on my desk
when the bell goes.
For those of you who
can't spell your own name,
put a description.
For example, Warburton could
write: brain dead pillock.
In August, they will
be posted back to you,
informing you of the appalling
grade you have achieved.
All done? Good.
Right, open your exam papers.
Read the questions carefully,
give yourself time
to answer them.
Harrison don't sit playing
pocket billiards for two hours.
Good luck.
And remember, there's always
a career for you in the SAS.
Loyd's financial
services. Good morning.
One moment please.
Yes, Louise?
No, in the lou I think.
Tea up ladies.
That's my job, Mr. Loyd.
Ah, but my treat, Betty.
Yours marina.
Allison.
Betty.
Joanne.
Capel Cure Miles on hold
on three, Mr. Lloyd.
Oh, let them hold.
What about the workers, say aye!
[confused and shocked murmuring]
It's only for a couple of weeks,
until his daughter's
exams are over.
He was just the same
with her GCSE's.
We don't mark her papers.
Pathetic, isn't it?
Please let today's exams
be easier than yesterday's.
And let her not
get mixed up again
about Henry the fourth and
six because of the one V
and the V one.
And let her pocket calculator
be all right for batteries.
For Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
[exclaims]
Sorry!
No! Me!
Me.
No me.
No really.
You haven't done anything.
Why are you sorry?
I wasn't really looking where-
my fault.
But I nearly scalped you.
Things usually are.
Are you all right?
Fine!
Honestly, I'm just a bit..
at the moment.
My daughter's-
sorry.
Look, hang on two minutes.
I mustn't go scalping
beautiful young women.
I'll buy you a cup
of tea across there?
Settle your nerves.
There's absolutely no need!
Honestly I-
Two minutes!
I've had a big breakfast!
A minute and a half!
You must have a ticket, love.
You never gave me one.
I give everyone one.
There's givers and
takers in this life.
You'll learn that.
Oh, hang on a sec.
Hello?
Excuse me!
Excuse me, love?
You didn't come in.
Oh, sorry Mrs., I forgot.
Not we're regulars, love.
I'll tell you what, I'll take-
Hang on his last one's Thursday.
That's French
comprehension, so four then.
How's tread today? Any luck?
Oh, it's scratch
cards that does it.
Not the bottom write
out are lucky ever
Bevis, can you run
us a paint shop?
I have to pick up
Mrs. Belize Merck.
What's wrong with your fingers?
Oh, nope.
-Ya all right then?
-Yeah, go on then.
Will you be keeping
your finger's crossed?
He'l; be in there
now, young Neil.
Scribbling away.
He did Shakespeare this morning.
A bit of a piggish Shakespeare.
Iambic pentameters,
left, right, and centre.
Bloody hell!
What's happen?
He might be banging in
the middle of his pudding
and that bloody rackets-
Hang on.
What now?
If he can hear that,
he can hear us!
Talking?
No! The engine.
I'll tell you what, we'll
got back way through town.
It's only a mile or two, innit?
Funny enough, I tested him
on his to be or not to be,
on Sunday.
He was spot-on.
Her teaches are confident
she'll get three A's.
Daughter doing A
levels? Oh, come on.
You're too young to
have a daughter of 18!
It's true, I'm afraid.
Well, not afraid, of course.
It's very nice of you to-
Hang on.
Isn't that Spanish colonial?
17th century, in here? Can't be.
Unless of course,
they're unaware.
Excuse me a sec.
Is this anyone's seat?
Yes.
It's my boyfriend's.
Got it!
After the next
bridge we turn right.
Or very possibly, left.
Brilliant.
Or on the other hand, neither.
Or on the other hand, both?
Or plan B.
We do the Van Gogh
museum tomorrow,
and just do Rembrandt House
and Royal palace today.
Yeah, but we did
the Royal palace.
No!
There's one in Prague.
Unless it's on
caster's accord, innit?
Oh, flaming Norah.
What?
From school.
It's Barry Tate and Viola Stot.
What score does
that make it then?
11 from Cheltenham,
6 from Blackburn.
And winning 11-6.
Should have stayed at home
gotten away from it all.
Quick., secret escape route
none only to Orson Welles.
[happy music]
It's you two!
Hello again.
Did you get in?
Sorry?
Queens. Cambridge.
I didn't.
Dear Ms. Botley,
sorry to inform you.
Their loss.
I wrote and told him so as well.
How did you know we applied to-
Mine was interview before yours!
Oh, of course.
Right!
I thought I...
Bye then.
Would you like me to
tag along with you?
That'd be great.
No, really!
At this time?
We've work to go to!
Do you know where we
can find a bulldozer?
He's only away
three weeks, love.
You're not pining,
surely to goodness.
It's going to take three months.
Pining?
He said you hadn't
to touch anything.
I know what he said.
He'll only muck it up again.
It's less than three
weeks now actually.
[doorbell rings]
Taxi is here, Carmella!
For my train!
If you see Mr. Loyd, could you
tell him I'm out for the day?
In Gloucester. Shopping,
Just to do a little
shopping, really.
In Gloucester, with a friend.
Man friend, as a matter of fact.
Tall, dark and handsome.
Only joking.
Yes, Mrs. Lloyd.
[Mrs. Loyd] So sorry
to keep you waiting.
Esperanza!
Ingrid?
Greta?
Hershella?
Yvonne?
Carmella!
Oh yes.
When you see Mrs. Lloyd,
tell her I'm away.
For a few days.
Business trip. Comprende?
Yes, Mr. Lloyd.
End of a beautiful friendship?
No, I can't get it off.
That's what I mean.
You sending it back
to your boyfriend?
It's a wedding ring, I think.
Your husband then?
No, no.
I haven't got either.
Their loss.
It's not really mine.
I found it.
That day at Queen's actually.
On the floor by the main gate.
It's not gold.
It's been stuck ever since.
It's going green.
Actually, I think
it might be mine.
Are you two married, then?
No chance. Do me a favour.
Not likely.
No.
It was my grandma whittles.
My mother gave me it.
Bring me luck in my interview.
Never bought me none.
Have you tried soap?
Everything.
I'll get it cut off
when I get home.
If you give me your address,
I'll post it to you.
[men shouting]
Oh God, Cheltenham
11, Blackburn 8.
-I'm going to sleep, okay?
-Hi men.
Surprise, soding surprise.
This is Shuttlewith,
life president of the
Blackburn idiot society.
Naylor the nerd, so
called cause he's a nerd.
This is..
Samantha Bodtley.
And?
Tony Greg from London.
Moral support, unfortunately.
He's staying at [inaudible]
Cheers.
That one's Pippa.
She's just taggin along with us.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Your turn.
Hi.
Relax! No one knows
you're out here.
I'm silly, aren't I?
Yes, you are extremely.
Oh?
And if that offends
you, hard luck.
I couldn't care less.
You see, you're silly
for saying you're silly,
when arguably, you're the
most intelligent woman
I've ever met.
Really?
You!
I am?
And the loveliest.
Are you clear on that point?
Loveliest?
The most intelligent,
lovely, fascinating-
Not in Cheltenham, I'm not.
Oh.
Gordon?
Stop it.
What if someone-
I don't care if they do.
Actually, I meant to ring
you earlier, but I got-
I had some errands.
Anyway, just to tell you,
Pippa rang this morning,
to say they're having
a lovely time and-
10 minutes at the most.
Don't speak to any strange
men till I get back.
Then you can.
Me!
Did your husband ever tell you,
you have the most musical laugh?
It's just a laugh
Gordon, really.
I don't think he's
ever heard me laugh.
Sorry, Shani.
Anyway, Neil says to tell
you he sends his love and..
Shani, do I sound younger?
Pardon?
Can you tell?
Tell, what?
Enough said.
Nothing has been said.
Is it obvious?
Is what obvious, Harriet?
Harriet?
Are you not telling me what I
think you're not telling me?
He's an antiques restorer.
I suppose he'd have
to be, wouldn't he?
I shan't tell you his name.
It's Gordon.
I've only seen him once.
Twice, actually.
Three times all told.
It's only platonic.
We just have afternoon
tea, and things like that.
Oh God! The sheer relief
of telling someone.
Am I terrible?
Ooh, shocking.
Harriet, can you go back
to the beginning again?
Right, breakfast.
English for a change.
What's the Dutch
for black pudding?
I don't know.
[in foreign accent]
Black pudding?
Jesus.
What?
Not another from Blackburn?
Cheltenham 14, Blackburn 8.
I think you get double
points for this one.
Good morning!
Morning, Mr. Lloyd.
Small world be better!
Micro-bloody-scopic, right?
Your face!
You heard me mention now
Mr. Bruin. Client of mine.
Calls me, says he's
too snowed under
to come trekking
over to Cheltenham
for the portfolio meeting.
So! Stay right where
you are, say I.
Two days in Amsterdam
will suit me fine.
So ring, ring, round the
hostels for one Pippa Lloyd
spinster of this parish.
Well, not exactly this
parish and thought
why not pop in on said Pippa,
and show her the sights.
Take her out for a slap
up, herring or whatever.
And well, hey, bloody Presto.
And tonight, two
tickets for the opera.
Didn't think you'd
actually like opera.
So, good old Amsterdam, eh?
[cheery music]
And Atherton glances
at defined leg
and they're rolling two.
Just one more for a century.
He drives it postman off.
They're running three.
102 to Atherton.
That's the end of the over.
Morning Mr. Whittle!
Who batting?
Lancashire. Atherton's
got his century.
Anything for us?
Six. February, over the long on.
Brings them up to 47.
Ta!
Shani! Shani!
Shani!
Shall I get him up?
Then he'll be up.
Well, it's not bad.
Four hours.
Kettle's boiling, I notice.
Oh not for me love.
My belly's a wash.
No I mean steaming.
You know, with the
steam coming out of it.
Shani, don't even think-
Shh!
What?
Where's his well-done present?
Hello again doomed yet
lovable generation.
Or as we at [inaudible] put it:
bonjour, buongiorno,
and guten tag.
I sent you nine postcards from
Paris, Rome and Amsterdam.
No stamps on them, admittedly.
Should be about the millennium.
Nice time, son?
Brilliant.
Not to mention massive.
Your...
Letter's come.
I noticed my room's been
trashed beyond recognition,
by the way.
Tidied, yes.
Your letter's here.
All my clothes have disappeared.
What letter?
They're hanging in the wardrobe.
This one.
[women exclaiming excitedly]
Holly Roberts got
two E's and a D.
Oh, go on.
She said it's better than
she thought she'd get.
Oh, good.
Nope, we haven't heard yet.
But it's lovely of
you to call and ask.
After all she's
not your daughter.
Chance of what would
be a fine thing?
Gordon! Honestly.
It is not a seductive
speaking voice.
It just happens to be the
way I speak. That's all.
[busy phone line]
[phone ringing]
Loyd's financial services.
One sec, putting you
through. Don't go away.
Yes!
It's Pippa, can I
speak to dad, please?
Yes, Pippa how can I-
I got three A's.
Muffin!
Oh, muffin!
Fantastic! We did it.
We only went and bloody did it!
The bollinger!
It's in the fridge!
-Go get the bloody-
-I won't go.
What?
I won't be going dad.
To Cambridge.
But why? You go what
they wanted three A's-
That's got nothing
to do with it!
It's the last place I'd go.
Do you have a reason?
Yes. I have a very good reason.
You.
I'm sorry.
Anywhere, but there.
Ah hell, they're making hills
a lot steeper these days.
I couldn't think where
you'd rode off to.
You know, how she frets.
And then I though
myself: picnic hill.
That's where he went as a kid
when something sad happened.
You know, to be on your own.
That's it.
Not with a reason, all right.
Yeah. Well, I thought you
might want somebody to
you know.
it's a bugger innit?
The way it goes.
Would have been a bit
special though, wouldn't it?
Having a bath every
Friday in my cap and gown.
Two B's isn't bad though.
Bloody marvellous
compared to some-
They don't have baths in
their caps and gowns do they?
Tradition at Cambridge.
It's not, is it?
Would have been.
I was going to start it.
You all right then,
son? All told?
You know me.
Bugger, innit?
Aye, a bit of an upset.
And I say it's because
of George bloody Formby!
Who?
Whatever his name is!
Neil!
His name is Neil,
as well you know!
All this because George bloody
Formby is going to exit up.
When I rang you, I didn't
even know his results!
I told you the reason!
You're the bloody reason!
This is preposterous! You-
You deliberately-
You jeopardised your entire!
Holly Roberts is
going to Cambridge!
And don't swear, you're
not at school now.
Holly Roberts isn't
going anywhere.
She's applying for
a job at Sock Shop.
Say something, woman.
You must do what you
want in life, muffin.
Oh, thanks. That's a great help.
You didn't though, did you mum?
What do you mean?
What does she mean?
Not now, you don't mean, muffin?
Not now.
Why now?
It's a bit late for doing
what you want now, isn't it?
I don't know what
anybody is talking about!
What about what I want!
Just because I wanted
the best for you!
Because of one white lie!
One bloody day in Cambridge!
Only partly!
And partly the 18
years leading up to it.
What do you mean?
Harriet, what does she mean?
Is there a university in Exeter?
Best thing for colds
and flu is Zinc tablets.
Chew slowly in the
mouth, every four hours.
Four hours.
And Cod liver oil capsules
will do you no harm.
I've packed you a bottle.
And your athletes foot powder.
Foot powder.
Now, if you take a
shirt to the laundry,
which you won't, make sure
you haven't left a biro
in the pocket or chewing gum.
Chewing gum.
You say there should be a
clock tower on the right?
You turn that a clock tower?
That tower with a clock on it?
I'll give you the
benefit of the doubt.
Ooh, and if you microwave
a frozen dinner,
let it stand for three
minutes before you eat it.
Otherwise it goes on
cooking in your stomach.
I wish you hasn't said that.
This is us.
Big day for you son.
Exciting, really.
Yup.
You all right, lad?
Fine.
Are you all right?
I should have written
it all down by rights.
On the headings.
And if you feel a bit
homesick by the weekend,
jump straight on a train.
Lots of students come
home the first weekend.
Some come home every weekend.
Are my eyes red?
Are mine?
Both eyes are blue.
Both eyes of both
of you are blue.
This is hereditary and a fact
of life and irreversible,
unless of course you wear
coloured contact lenses.
I hate being brave.
I do.
When you unpack, don't
hide yourself away.
Make friends. Invite
them in for a cup of tea.
I packed you a Battenburg.
Play them your Beegee tapes.
It'll be fun!
It'll only be me who
likes the Beegees!
In the car, Pippa.
Are you sure you don't
want me to come with?
What on earth for?
She's with her father.
I'll see you at Christmas.
Thanks for everything, mum.
Bye muffin.
Bye.
Muffin!
Yes?
Bye.
Bye.
Books on the bookshelf, right?
Oh yeah, there's a tough one.
Neil?
Paternal next of kin?
Your mattress.
What about it?
It doesn't matter.
What doesn't?
Nothing.
Look, why don't you
just leave this to me?
You two go and have a
rest. Cup of tea somewhere.
I'll be okay.
We're all right.
No! We like helping.
It's better to.
Honest.
Look after yourselves then.
No, house parties
in the backyard.
I'll phone you in a day or two.
We'll write letters.
Treat yourself to
a new writing pad.
I bought one
yesterday. No lines.
Give us a kiss then.
Stingy buggers.
Work hard son. Enjoy yourself.
All I was going to say was
don't turn your mattress
on a Friday or Sunday
because it's bad luck.
[sombre music]
Is he waving?
He's not even there.
Oh.
Well, he does right.
Harriet?
I know it's not Thursday.
I just wanted to see...
someone.
4C.
5-
Ah, C6! That's us!
Home sweet home, eh?
They're addressed to me?
New laptop and printer.
I've got a laptop and a printer.
Last years.
Dad, other people
have pen and paper.
Pencils and paper.
Stubby pencils and paper-
And that's a new duvet.
Book tokens for textbooks.
So that's a hundred
pounds to be-
Stop it! Stop it!
Ms. Jenkins, I presume?
No, miss Brewster.
Ah, yes. Lin Brewster. This
must be Ms. Jenkins here.
How do you do I'm Mr. Lloyd?
That's Pippa.
Hi.
I took the Liberty of
checking, nice girls.
Both at private schools.
Her father's an
actuary from Norridge.
Jenkins is an osteopath
and folks. Sound chaps.
I've spoken to them both.
I'm being a good
father for God's sake!
What? Just like that?
Suddenly one Tuesday afternoon!
The VW convertibles
too big for a box.
That's arriving tomorrow.
Primrose.
All the hundreds of
doctor Spoc's, measles,
and whooping cough when
they start to give cheek.
None about this
though, have they?
We'll be all right without Neil.
No danger.
Who you?
Mount Nasura!
You usually say it
as well when I do.
As a rule.
Oh, just watching the traffic.
It was just like her first
day at school, really.
Except without a
brace on her teeth.
And not being taken by me.
I thought I shouldn't...
brand new life starting
for her and everything.
I thought she doesn't want
her mother comforting her.
A mother needed a little
comfort herself, really.
Not that he wanted me to either.
All her life he's ignored
her and now all of a sudden
he's the great-
I mean, it was
always me and muffin.
Muffin and me.
Always.
You're a sensitive
little soul, aren't you?
You feel things.
You're sensitive-
And then I thought,
she's free now.
She's free of him.
Her life's her own.
You barely look 18
yourself, a baby.
Yet, with the wisdom of-
And then I though, well,
I'm free too, aren't I?
For the first time I
can do whatever I want.
I can run around Herod's
food hall with no clothes on.
I can take up parachute jumping.
Catch a train to see you.
Anything!
You're right. You always are.
Anything!
You're very beautiful.
I've never been right.
I've always been wrong.
And I'm not beautiful.
Drivel!
What?
If I think you're
talking drivel,
I'm damn well going to say so.
End of story.
If you never want to
see me again, fine.
Goodbye.
I'm not sure I'm going
to be any good at this.
It's 20 years too late, and
I wasn't much good then.
I don't think I packed
her hot water bottle.
Would you like to go to bed?
Yes, please.
Very much.
[snoring]
Good evening, I have a
reservation, the name's Lloyd.
Certainly Mr. Loyd.
Three nights in total?
Just till she settles in, sort
out her teething troubles.
I'm sorry?
Three nights, yes.
Initially, she wanted
to go to Cambridge,
but I insisted on the best.
Exeter is my Alma mater.
Why can't I come home?
I have given it a tough, I've
been here for three hours.
Unpacking, crying,
trying to find a phone.
There isn't anyone to talk to!
They've all got friends!
[shouting]
How are ya?
So, discussing the life
and art of Andrew Marvell,
or what?
Some of the piss artists
from the next floor.
I don't know their names,
most of them seem to
be called dickhead.
Just after a few
jars down the union.
Go on, go for his kneecap!
I thought the big
plan was that we'd go
for a veggie burger and
then help each other
-put our posters up.
-Come on we will! We will!
I'll only be an hour or two.
Ah, I see.
Okay, then?
Fine.
Mum? Hi, its me again.
Just in case you'd
been trying to reach me
and couldn't get through.
It isn't an excuse!
Well, let me come home then.
Guten tag.
Sorry, it's evening isn't it?
Guten abend, then.
Tony Greg.
The man from Amsterdam.
Hi.
Your turn.
My turn for what exactly?
[sombre orchestral music]
[crowd cheering]
It's a sort of herring bone.
A ticket would have
worked wonders.
You know that it is don't you?
Stuck in my Stephen
King to keep my place.
Yeah, he's a bugger
like that, Stephen.
Why aren't you at the match?
You're supposed to
be at the match.
6.50 love.
There ya are.
Oh thank you.
Bye.
Well, mystery man.
Thought I'd keep you
company for a bit.
You don't have to fret
about me you know, Bevis.
Nothing preying on my mind.
In fact, this your
day off from me.
I'm not keen on going
to be honest these days.
I wasn't in the mood somehow.
Without him?
What Alan Shearer, you mean?
Hey, we have a
decent team without-
No Bevis. I don't
mean Alan Shearer.
I'll make you a brew.
We used to have hot
Bovril halftime.
I'm afraid we don't
run to hot Bovril.
What will you take?
Heather wants to know,
do you fancy a cuddle
on the hoffman press?
Well, the thing is-
I'm on a double yellow line.
Can I help you Madam?
Do you have these in black?
They are in black.
No, I mean, in my size?
What is your size, Madam?
Well, my sister's size actually.
I have a sister.
In Harrogate.
And what size is she?
My husband.
Well, sister's husband.
Brother-in-law.
Does he know her size?
No.
He's Norwegian.
I'll take these instead, please.
Would you like to set
the table for me love?
Right you are.
You're doing it again!
What?
Wandering off when
my back's turned.
You said you'd set the table.
Oh right-
Now you mean?
Oh no, I just thought I'd
watch telly techs for a bit.
You know, weather forecast,
winds fresh to moderate,
Pharos comedy, German bite.
The table first, eh?
According to Heather's sciatica,
it's cold enough for snow.
What?
With our Neil and
that, you mean?
Neil?
That's what you said.
It's cold enough for snow.
And then you started
debating that tale about
Eskimos traipsing off
into it to curl up and die
because they'd no youngins
to bring up anymore.
You know, in Cambridge,
last year at his interview.
I often say it's cold
enough for snow, Bevis.
It's something I say.
It don't just have
to be in Cambridge.
Anyway it's Heather, not me.
I wasn't even
thinking of our Neil.
Yeah. Me neither,
that's what I'm saying.
You know, if Labourer
won the 1983 election
and got the north sea oil,
they'd have been
the ones in power
for the last umpteen years.
Yes, love.
Have I mentioned that before?
Just about once a week
for the last umpteen-
Surprise.
Oh, god.
Dad, why?
As if I don't know.
Oh, some commercial
proposition exit I might go.
I'll pop down a couple
of times a week,
chase up the chamber of
commerce, make a few contacts,
sniff out the local money,
city council, university-
University?
Oh, it's time we branched out.
Oh, god.
[Bevis groaning]
Bevis?
Bevis?
I was just-
I was just singing.
And shouting.
Twist and shout.
[Bevis crying]
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Just cry it all away.
I cry myself dry sometimes.
Empty.
That's good.
Nobody hears me though.
It don't matter if they do.
In the car on my way to work.
Sometimes I put my wipers on.
I think it's just a
little bit of flu,
you know something like that.
I think I'm a bit run down.
Probably, yeah.
Dark night.
Were you in his room?
Who's?
No, no, I was just-
I was just studying
a sort of style.
I just thought I'd make
a bit of a tinge, really.
Liven the place up a bit.
[laughing and crying]
Let's go down then.
Have a nice cup of tea.
In a minute.
I'll just hold you, eh?
For a minute.
I'll just hold you.
That stuff about Labour
and north sea oil
isn't the only one, is it?
Popping up in my head?
All of a sudden, for no reason.
Bervis, finished
with your paper?
I've a whole daft
list of daft thoughts.
Stuck in there hiding.
Bevis?
Queuing up for their turn.
Hello? Commander to
base, commander to base!
Teddy to zombie!
Have you finished
your crossword?
Yes.
Well sling it over then.
Jesus, if you want to do it.
You haven't done one.
I couldn't find my pencil.
There.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I thought you said-
Well, go on then.
What?
Your bloody pencil!
Right.
You know what's the best thing
about working with Bevis?
Say no.
No.
There's never a cross word!
Do you get it?
Crossword?
Good, innit?
Bloody hilarious really.
[laughing intensifies]
It's not that bloody hilarious.
-[manic laughter]
-Bevis?
It's not funny! Give
over for Christ's sake!
[laughing dies down]
Thank you.
Bloody hell!
Ignore him! You laugh
as much as you want.
I don't want to.
Go on, it's a free country.
I don't want to now.
Nice up and down
will do you fine.
Good, good, good.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well-played sir!
Closer than I thought.
Much.
No, it's perfect.
You allowed for the
slioe beautifully.
I'm going to give you that one.
Your match old man.
Thanks.
So, how do you think young
Pippa is getting along then?
Academically?
Essays up to scratch?
Pippa?
Yes, my daughter Pippa Lloyd.
I don't have a
Lloyd in my class.
First year English.
Ah, no I don't do
first year, you see.
Oh, well, it's fine, no
matter. Not important.
The game's the thing, eh?
Is it going to take
long, do you reckon?
[nostalgic music]
That's enough!
Enough footballing,
your teas will be ready!
Neil I shan't tell you again!
Get in and get
your knees washed!
What's he on about?
There is no Neil!
No Neil, no I don't mean Neil.
Who the heck do I-
No, I mean some other...
Bevis! In now before
I [inaudible] off!
Bevis! In now!
There's no Bevis neither!
We've been hanging about
nearing enough two hours.
The RAC said...
No Bevis?
What ever happened
to Bevis then?
Where's Bevis?
I'll give you another.
In the boy scouts.
A trip to Pendle, wanting
to strangle Mickey Swan
cause he'd got
some ice cream left
and mine were all finished.
And all them years since,
it's still in me head.
Every couple of months or so..
Bingo.
Mickey Swan's got ice
cream and I haven't.
It's stupid.
Give you another one.
Why are the letters
of the alphabet
in the order that they are,
and why shouldn't it be
A, B. C, O, C, P, E, F, Z?
What are they doing in there?
Thinking them, over
and over, all my life.
Same daft little list.
Now in the room
on Jupiter except
he's hundreds of years older-
what's it mean?
I don't even care what it
means. I never bloody did.
So why bother thinking it?
It would be 2001 in real life.
And I'll be hundreds
of years older.
With nowt to show from.
Go to work, come home,
go to work, come home,
fix the light in the attic,
get a pair of shorter
laces for Neil's trainers
before he breaks his neck.
I will tomorrow.
Oh, hang on.
That was his first pair.
Dim and distant past.
And that's it.
All passes doesn't it?
Everything.
Dim and distant.
Gulf war? What Gulf war?
It's all forgotten.
All the famous men and women.
Great geniuses, all the
heroes changing the world,
and all the millions of
heroes we've never heard of.
Done stuff that
no one ever knew.
And never will know.
So, what about them?
Live's gone with nowt to show.
What about them?
Bevis Whittle.
Nowt to forget because there
was never nowt to remember.
[sombre music]
Bevis?
[mysterious music]
What are you doing?
What? I slipped, I was just-
-Come on love, come here.
-I woke up and I-
Geez, I'll run you a bath.
Back in bed.
I'll get you a pair
of fresh jims on,
I'll make some hot water
bottles, hot drink.
It'll get you better.
Everything, better.
Things will happen.
I'm not the wicked witch
of the north for nothing.
I'll make them happen.
Good lord, to what do
I owe the honour of-
Shouldn't Ms. Reed have
gone to collect my lunch?
Anything wrong?
I was just passing.
Thought I'd pop in and say-
No, I was just grabbing
a bite between meetings
been nonstop all morning.
Come in, come in, come in.
How much do you need?
What?
Is it cash?
Not cash.
People.
People? What kind of people?
I can't think of a
suitable adjective.
Lecturers?
Men.
I knew there was a word for it.
George Formby?
Otherwise known as?
Oh, whatever.
Nigel, Norman, Neil.
Well done.
No, not Neil.
I haven't seen him all term.
It's no one you know.
The tulip of Amsterdam.
And he's upsetting you?
No, not really.
Ignoring if anything.
It's nothing, nothing. I just
get a bit fed up, that's all.
Everyone does,
it's midterm blues.
It's just-
it's like one minute
it's undying love,
and the next I don't exist.
Men can be like that.
My very point.
Taking things for
granted. Other people.
Or who seem to.
They don't really mean to Pippa.
They do feel, what other people
accuse them of not feeling.
It's just that...
it's just that they-
they don't get
round to showing it.
That's all.
For three whole bloody weeks?
Oh, sometimes longer.
Sometimes...
sometimes 18 years, some chaps.
Can I have some of your pizza?
Oh, certainly.
You look fabulous.
I look terrible! I had
my hair done yesterday-
I thought so, it's gorgeous!
She made an absolute
pig's buttock out of it,
and the colours all-
No, the colour
particularly is terrific.
Do you like it with
bits of bacon and tomato
rolled into it?
Sorry?
Just now, on the train.
Some oath tripped in the
aisle and squashed half his
bacon and tomato
roll on my head.
And quite honestly, I
think I'd like to go
straight back home.
Harriet, you see there's
your sense of humour.
Humour in adversity is
one of the most admirable-
Gordon! I don't have
a sense of humour,
in or out of adversity.
I'm not beautiful, my
hair isn't gorgeous.
And I'm not any of the
things you say I am.
Worst of all, I'm
not even me anymore.
I can't be what I'm not.
I don't like what I am,
but at least it's me.
And if I'm all that marvellous,
what am I doing with you?
I'm sorry, Gordon. Goodbye.
Do I get a goodbye kiss?
From the most beautiful
lips in the world?
Gordon, they're just lips!
Chapped ones!
Don't ring! Bevis
is having a lie in.
Still a bit off colour, is he?
A bit.
That didn't look so
happy with itself either.
I know. I thought it best
not to stick it through
your letterbox.
It's addressed to Neil.
Just the one, is it?
John Crawley.
Singled a third man.
Right.
Just Neil.
No sir name, please forward.
Not in that state you can't.
Well!
Best one in the world!
It is, isn't it?
It's what?
I gave it to him last
year; what's it doing in-
Dear Neil, one lost ring
enclosed as per promise.
I hope all is well...
you see?
It is hers. Only cut.
Who's.
All well in Cambridge,
if that's where you are.
I'm in college in Wolverhampton,
so I can still live at
home with my mom's cooking.
Isn't there any
college in Blackburn?
You should have applied there
unless you can't stomach
your mom's cooking.
Cheeky bugger.
Still, their loss.
Yours, sincerely,
Samantha Bodily.
Miss.
What's up?
That's where she used to do
her office cleaning, isn't it?
Who?
Grandma Whittle.
Wolverhampton?
Blackburn college before
it were a college.
Years back.
That big building
on Blakey More.
Oh, it makes me feel funny.
What does?
Her very ring. Inside
the very letter,
that's talking about
the very place-
Isn't it just coincidence?
Sort out any customer's
for me, will ya?
Where are you going?
I shan't be 10 minutes.
Can I help you?
I'm not sure, to be honest.
Sounds crackers really, but
I was just looking for a sign.
What sort of sign?
The prospectus you mean?
That one?
Yes.
It could be, couldn't it?
Who knows?
Thank you very much.
You'd enjoy it, Bevis.
There's all sorts.
There's motor
vehicle maintenance-
Shani, I've been doing
motor vehicle maintenance
for the last 26 years. I don't
like it, I bloody hate it.
There's computer
technology, engineering,
there's hundreds of them!
Sports science!
Modules include PE, recreation
management, referee-
Shani!
Go on!
There's everything!
Part-time courses,
two years, three!
Are you looking?
Shani!
You can take your GMVQ's,
Air levels diplomas.
You can get a degree! Like Neil.
Shani love, I'm too old
for the knacker's yard.
Let alone night school.
It's not night school,
it's proper college.
Mature students!
It's something
fresh to do in life.
You know like Neil is.
When he was little,
he copied us.
That's how kids learn isn't it?
We can learn from him now.
I mean I could enrol.
Keep you company like.
Oh, there's, there's,
there's, there's catering!
There's, there's,
there's hairdressing,
there's cultural
studies. Where's that?
Yeah, modules include rituals,
myths, superstitions...
Omens.
You see! That's a
bloody omen in itself.
We could go together,
of an evening.
Maybe have a spag bol,
or something, after.
And you'll-
you'll come to life.
It's worth a go.
Neil would be proud of you.
I would.
You would.
Please get better, Bevis.
Don't, love.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Come on.
Nice pictures.
[uptempo music]
You stupid moron! Are
you tired of living?
You stupid bloody-
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry about that.
Me too.
Nice.
Thanks.
What you doing driving it on
your tod, it's got L plates.
Just thought, while
no one was looking.
Including you.
Including me.
I take my test in two weeks.
Oh, you'll walk it.
You reckon?
You might be better off
walking it than driving it.
Thanks.
So, how are you
doing these days?
Brilliant. You?
Yeah. Massive.
How's what's his name?
Ask every girl in
first year Geography,
they know better than I do.
Oh, sorry.
That's cool.
Right.
How are all your fellows then?
The ones all called Dickhead?
We formed a band,
do the odd gig.
Guess what we're called?
The dickheads?
Got it.
We get a bit brassed off
with each other, actually.
I'll see you.
Right.
When?
Pardon?
Do you fancy a jar?
Lunchtime in the union?
Hang on.
Half a jar?
Half a jar between us?
Straws are on me.
So?
Weird woman kissing
even weirder man.
Read the back.
Your mother is having an affair.
She was seen virtually doing
it in the railway station.
I thought you should know.
Well-wishes.
It's from Holly Roberts.
She used to be at my school.
I know her handwriting.
Your mum?
That nice mum with a handbag?
I dunno, I mean the
minute I left Cheltenham,
they both gone barking mad.
Got a busy night, have you?
Essay, sort of date,
and a driving lesson.
Right.
You?
Two essays, three
tonnes of ironing,
and a rehearsal
with the Dickheads.
Okay.
Is that yours, or mine?
Half each?
What time can I see you then?
About eight?
Neil. Neil?
Christmas.
Sorry?
The Christmas vac.
Great timing.
I want you to come home to
Cheltenham for Christmas.
We've got a creaky
floorboard on the landing,
but I don't care.
Cheltenham?
My mother would through
the mother of all wobblies!
She's kill me to death.
She's been billing
King Edwards for weeks.
She's contemplating stuffing
a Turkey with fairy lights.
Bring her.
Bring both of them.
They'll just say no.
Come to think of
it, so will yours.
Very loudly.
They can't, any of them.
If I tell mine, I shan't go
unless you're all invited
and you tell yours,
you'll go alone,
unless they all come with,
then they have to say yes,
whatever we ask.
Otherwise, they'll think
they'll lose us altogether.
They can't win.
Well?
You're on.
I don't know what
drives them to have kids
in the first place.
Me neither.
Then there was the guilt.
And the sheer bloody effort.
Not to mention the train fairs.
Such a relief, it's over.
I'll tell you something,
now you look younger.
Did you...
Did you um...?
All the time.
You didn't?
Nearly once.
Ah, so you and Mr. Loyd?
I mean, it's not like it's
a case of separate beds
or anything?
I've gone right back to
being 18 in the ladies
at the maca ballroom.
Trying to stop me
bra from digging in.
It's been separate
beds for a long time.
Oh yes, well...yes.
It's cooler in the
summer I expect.
And in the winter
and all really.
It's not easy being
a woman, is it?
I reckon it's not
that much of a doddle
being a chap either.
No.
Bottling everything up.
Do you get much in the way
of road rage, in Cheltenham?
Every day.
Mostly from me.
He doesn't bottle anything up.
Oh well.
I happen it's just Bevis then.
Oh?
I thought he seemed
in great form?
Now, yes.
Well, from the minute Neil
walked through the door, really.
Mind you, he had a
belting assessment
from Mr. Barry at the end
of term, that's his tutor.
And 77% for his project
on premiership referees.
No?
Yeah, I am-
I scraped a B plus
for me last essay.
Not that my course is much
easier than his, you see.
Nothing's burning, is it?
Oh!
Is there an off licence near by?
Hmm?
Well then if you sink or
fall before we sit down,
rest of us can
make do with lager.
I'm just a bit on edge.
You know, Christmas,
it's traditional.
Is it with me being here?
Course not!
Creaky floorboard?
No.
My mum and dad?
No!
Doesn't leave anyone else.
Yes it does.
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Cheers.
[laughing]
Cries of good old Neil's dad
were heard to run the air.
You don't tell him
stuff about me, do you?
All the various exploits.
Stuff you told me.
Or I'll regale them
something rotten I do.
You don't?
He just said!
Not about me I hope?
Both of you!
Mostly dad if it's about sport.
Oh, and none of
them had an answer
to your order of
the alphabet thing.
And one of them is a
second year linguistics.
They don't want regaling
about me for heaven sake,
do they Hugh?
And you have your
own lives to...
banding my name all
over the university!
Do you Pippa? Tell
your friends about me.
Well, I've no need, have I?
You've already told them
everything there is to tell.
Dad's been treating us
to a Chinese once a week.
In Exeter?
Socialising, you understand?
Helping her settle in, meet
the right kind of people.
What, in Exeter every week?
I think she, she values it.
Looking after her,
giving her my time.
After all, that's
what fathers are for.
Well, yes.
Sort of.
Well, no, actually, isn't it
more what husbands are for?
Sorry.
Look you know, the first
term is always weird.
Everyone freaks out a bit.
Me and Neil didn't even-
Neil and I, dear. I think.
Till about three weeks ago.
I and Shanie have
been all right.
What did you mean Pippa?
All I'm saying dad, is that
I'm okay now on my own.
I don't need looking
after anymore.
Husbands are for
providing Pippa.
Ceramic Hobbes, use
of the range Rover,
letting them make
hair dresses, rich.
Giving.
Tokens of appreciation, respect.
Are these things supposed
to have the consistency
of cannonballs?
Oh, to hell with it.
She is having an affair!
More turkey, anyone?
White meat or dark?
Well, I wouldn't decline
an extra portion of-
[Loyd laughing]
Don't be ridiculous Pippa.
Holly Roberts saw her.
Would you pass your father
the gravy, please Neil?
Why is it ridiculous, Hugh?
Well, if you can't see why.
I'd like you to tell me.
Women who have affairs are...
well, they're not like you.
Oh?
What are they like?
Oh, they're like...
they're like...
they're like women
who have affairs.
Look is this some sort
of Christmas party
game, young lady?
Charades? Some kind of childish-
I suppose it is
some sort of game.
Exactly!
That's exactly what it is!
If you say so, who
am I to contradict?
Good. So, is the
Christmas pud ready then?
With lashings of Brandy butter?
If you say so, dear.
I'll give you a hand.
No, no, no!
She can manage,
can't you Harriet?
If you say so, dear.
Oh women, right?
Right.
You know the best
way to change sex?
I read it in a book in
the college library,
under myths and superstitions.
You have to kiss your own elbow.
I mean, you can always kiss the
other one to change it back.
Well, it won't reach.
I think that's the idea.
I'm sorry, mom.
I'm not.
Pass me the sauce pud, darling.
Good girl.
Very good girl.
It's all a matter of
letting go, you see.
You'll excuse me for
imparting advice, but
we have to wave them
a fond farewell.
Let them get on
with their lives,
while we get on with ours.
Refill anyone?
Oh, I could have
got that for you.
No, no, it's Christmas.
That's what I mean.
You just talk your men's talk.
Harriet?
We'll play a proper
game shortly,
as trivial pursuit or
something. Just the four of us.
The kids can go out
and do whatever.
Incidentally, just out of
interest, not important.
Holly Roberts is a born liar.
Her father is a solicitor.
No one in Cheltenham
would believe her.
So, I think we can
ignore the whole thing
as if it never happened.
Which it didn't.
If you say so, dear.
Absolutely.
[horns playing]
Pippa, for God's
sake we're late!
Well some things
can't be rushed.
Today they can!
She had to have ten
minutes each side.
[listing students names]
[listing students names]
[listing students names]
Shani Alsace-lorraine Whittle.
[crowd applauding]
[Neil shouting]
This is going to be
of Shani, mainly.
Shani mainly, all right.
Shani mainly! Smile.
Ready?
You come in this one,
give that chap the camera!
Would you mind?
Is that all right?
Ooh! Very academic.
Are you ready?
[sombre music]