Coast to Coast (2003) - full transcript

So, this is the living room.

Oh!

You know what I like
about this place right away?

Great shelves.

I'm a reader, too.

Are you?

Oh, it feels like people
have been really happy here.

Have they?

Why not?

Love the Moroccan rug.

So do we.



It's from India.

Oh. It's really beautiful.

Is it okay if
we check it out upstairs?

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm having
an open house.

You just can't keep
your mouth shut, can you?

You have to say
something to people.

Yeah, but you say everything.

Do you have to make lifelong
friends with everyone you meet?

Howard.

Oh, my God.

That girl should split,
don't you think?

The way he talks to her.

Or maybe he should.



The Pierces selling

5746 Hillcrest.

I cannot believe that
you're actually doing it.

Well, we haven't exactly
got an offer yet.

So, listen.

I brought you these.

Ooh.

Kind of a farewell offering,
but that doesn't mean

you have to go.

You know, you should
give those to Barney.

He and your cookies
go back such a long way.

Hey, there, Griff!

Come here, Griffin.

Come here.

Oh, ho, ho, who's my boy, huh?

Who's my pal?

So how does Barnaby
feel about selling?

He really loves this house.

Well, if he wants it,
he can keep it.

You know, the kids have gone.

I get tired of keeping
their bedrooms just the way

they remember them for
when they come by

a couple times a year.

Oh, is it true?

Is he really gonna
marry that girl?

Who's that?

Benjamin, your son.

Who's that?

Sorry.

You know, the one we

heard about at Thanksgiving.

What's-her-name.

Put it this way.

He'd better because
we're going all the way

to L.A. for the wedding.

Imogen.

Imogen.

Barney Pierce,

you are not seriously
selling this place, are you?

Well, I wasn't getting a
lot of laughs, so I guess

I am serious.

Come here.

Here, have a cookie.

I hate to think of you
leaving, period.

But am I ever gonna say so?

Excuse us if we look.

No, come in, come in.

This is the den.

It's pretty small, not
particularly well lit.

But you know where
you are in it...cornered.

You are Barnaby Pierce,
the comedy writer, aren't you?

Sgt. Bimbo? Am I right?

That's right.

You know he is.

We established that.

Because it was totally
my favorite show for a while.

Is that the dining room?

Is that a big round table
with eight chairs around it?

Yeah, how'd you guess?

Let me tell you something.

You were right not to be
a salesman.

You definitely made
the right choice there.

Dining room table's
got a big burn in it!

Dining room table's not
for sale!

Benjamin's getting married.

I can't believe it.

That's Christopher
you're looking at.

I know that.

I remember Christopher so well.

Has to be, what, eight years
since the accident?

That's right.

So when do you fly?

We're driving.

Have you looked at a map?

Because you're gonna find that
Los Angeles is still situated

right the other side
of the country. You're driving?

In the T-Bird.

What? There and back?

No, just there.

We're giving the car to
Benjamin as a wedding present.

He always loved it.

So did you, didn't you?

You took me driving in it once.

Do you remember that?

I remember everything.

Beautiful home.

Thank you, thank you.

Hi, Mrs. Pierce.

Oh, Mrs. Biebel.

Sorry we didn't get
here sooner, but this

Mr. Reed and Ms. Reinhardt
I told you I was bringing.

Hi.

Hi.

Barry and Tanya.

We're Berry and Tanya.

Hi.

So, you're gonna drive, huh?

Must be 3,000 miles.

There's some people
we wanna see along the way.

After which you are seriously
going your separate ways.

Well, we're gonna take
things one at a time.

Really?

Well, that'll be a first
for you, won't it, Barnaby?

Okay, Paula, okay.

Oh, wow.

I mean, seriously.

Barry?

Hey, Barry, listen.

Welcome home.

Please.

I mean, do you know
what I mean?

I mean, truly, this is
truly it for me.

Lust at first sight.

Could you work here, Tanya?

Is this a place
you could work in?

Oh, Barry, I could work here.

Oh, did you work here,
Mrs. Pierce?

I raised three kids here.

Oh, kids, right.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

We do want kids
eventually someday,

but I don't wanna stop working.

Well, have three
and you won't.

You have three children?

I didn't realize that.

How great.

Had.

Oh, hello, Mr. Pierce.

Jayne Biebel. I'm the realtor.

Oh, are you going upstairs?

You might find some
people up there.

Their names are Barry
and Tanya who are

very interested in
the house, so...

So I shouldn't tell
them about the roof?

Is that it?

The roof?

He's kidding.

It's a living sometimes.

I'm just gonna get a sweater.

You think that'll
shake their resolve?

No.

Great sense of humor.

Oh, shit!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Sorry.

Totally an impulse thing.

Haven't you ever done
anything on impulse?

We like it.

We might make you an offer.

They were in our bed?

They were officially engaged
in the prone position

with the Lady Superior
if that helps you

picture the scene.

What did you do exactly?

I thought about
the bedspread.

Yeah, I thought about you

and that Thai silk bedspread
and how you'd feel

if something happened to it
or on it.

Did it?

No, no, it didn't, it didn't.

And I tell you, I didn't
wanna do this, but I checked.

Nice people, huh?

Oh, anyway, I spoke to Hal.

Well, you're telling me now.

When?

Yesterday.

I see, and you're
telling me today.

Well, you told me
to call him, so I called him.

He gonna be around
when we drive to Denver?

Yep.

He wants us to stay with him
a couple of nights

if we want to.

Oh, I can't wait.

You know, it was your idea
we go to see Hal and...Emily.

Nobody is going to see Emily,

okay, sweets?

You are going to see Hal.

He was your best friend.

He wants to see you again just
as much as he wants to see me.

Listen, you told me to call him.

So now you're acting
like it's the first

you've even heard of it
just so that you can have

the pleasure of looking at me
just like that.

Hmm.

You fucked Paula,
didn't you, in this house?

I thought we were never gonna
have this conversation again.

You fucked her and she was
my best friend supposedly.

And have you noticed
how nice I've been to her

all these years?

This is such old ground,
Maxine.

I can't believe you
wanna fight about it!

All the best battles
are fought on old ground.

That's what battles are about.

Here.

You know, it'd be so easy for us
to just put the car on a train,

fly to the coast
and pick the car up there.

Uh-huh.

How do we get Griffin
to your sister's if we fly?

Well, we drive Griffin to
my sister's and we fly

to the coast...

You just don't wanna
drive with me all that way.

That's what's going on here.

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, no.

That's what's going on!

No, it's not going on.

No, no, no, no.

It's okay. I'll drive.

You can fly alone.

I don't wanna fly alone.

I don't want to be alone,
Barnaby.

You're asking for a divorce
and you don't wanna be alone?

What did she do
that was so special, Paula?

Did she do something I didn't?

We're talking
seven years ago.

I bet she yelled.

I bet she called you Barn.

Did she?

Yeah.

Did she call you Barn?

Yeah, that's probably
why I dumped her.

How many times
did you use this room?

You and Paula?

Okay, one time.

One time! And you drove up.

I never should have told you.

Shouldn't have
given you the satisfaction.

And don't tell me that
that's the only satisfaction

I ever gave you!

Don't script me,
would you, Barnaby? Please?

I will drive the car, okay?

You can fly all the way
to L.A. alone!

Do whatever you want.

God, I never should
have told you shit!

Did you take her to a motel?

Is that what you did?

Did I ever ask you
what you did?

I hate those trousers
with the elasticized waistbands

she always wears.

Never trust a woman who
wears elasticized waistbands.

They just do it to make
it easy for guys

to get their hands there!

They do it because
they're fat!

That's why they do it!

I'd like to drive.

I mean, it's the one thing
we never did, is it,

from sea to shining sea.

So now that it's too late,
let's do it...Barn.

So now that it's too late,
let's do it...Barn.

You drive and drive and
it's like you're always

in the same place.

Only the names change.

Yeah.

East is east
and west is east too.

Well, no.

We have snow and
they have palm trees and

development deals, sometimes.

Have I lost you?

Yep, I'm still here.

Yeah, you and suburbia.

Yeah.

Both a bit monotonous, huh?

Except for the war zones.

Griffin, did you growl?

You don't really

wanna sell, do you?

Does anyone?

Well, I don't wanna be the
prisoner of a house, Barnaby.

It's humiliating.

Well, if we're gonna
give up everything

that's merely humiliating,
then how am I gonna make

a living?

Oh, don't tell me
it's my fault you wrote

Sgt. Bimbo.

Of course, it's your fault!

You are Sgt. Bimbo.

Where else do
I get my inspiration?

Where else do
I get my inspiration?

Griffin?

Griffin, what about here.

Come here, come here.

Griffin, Griffin,
how you doing?

Come here, come here, sweetie.

Yes, you beautiful thing!

Hi, sis.

Hi, Nessle. How are you?

Oh, isn't it obvious?

Rich and powerful.

You're looking great.

Barnaby.

Nice to see you.

Hi, Calvin, how are you?

Good. Good to see you.

Hey, Cal, you look great.

Barnaby. God is good.

How's Randolph?

Randolph!

Randolph, come and say hello
to your Aunt Maxine

and Uncle Barnaby.

I already did
the last time they were here.

Hey, look who's come
to stay with us.

Lunch in 10 minutes, Randolph.

Isn't today a school day?

Randolph quit.

Quit? At 15?

Come on.

Oh, I love this kitchen.

That old stove of yours...

Yeah, you can have it.

Oh, come on, Nessle.

You have a beautiful life here.

And what about you?

Oh, I told you in my letter.

What exactly was
"separate lives"

supposed to mean?

In other words,
you're getting a divorce.

It means what it says,
you know.

I just feel like it's now
or never.

I wanna see if there's
something I can do, you know.

I don't know, something.

Divorce isn't the main issue.

You have such
an enviable life.

Not being grateful has to be
a part of it, I suppose.

Listen, I can't take comfort
from other peoples' envy,

Vanessa.

Besides, I'm not
looking for comfort.

Seems like you must have
had an awful lot of it.

Is Randolph
still cello crazy?

No, he's into
something else temporarily.

What's that?

Welding.

Anyone know anything
about acting schools?

Uh, what do I do?

Do I press a buzzer
or something?

I know something.

Because I think
I could be a great actor.

Well, you could,
for instance, act coming in

and sitting down
like a civilized person.

You know the best quality an
actor can have, which I've got?

Couldn't be timing.

Menace.

Turnips?

You're actually
serving them turnips?

You know, your sister's
really scared of you, Maxine,

in case you don't know that.

She thinks you're so
well-dressed,

so .

And see how shiny his face is?

Think it's always that way.

Uh-uh.

He's afraid you despise
him because, despite all

the evidence to the contrary,
he believes in God and also,

possibly this could be
the most crucial,

he can't make babies
like you, Barnaby.

You evidently can.

Randolph...

Or could.

Your mother says you're
into welding these days.

You've spoken to my mother?

Oh, you mean Nessle.

Yes, I am.

It frightens her,
doesn't it, dearest?

The naked flame, the hot tip,
the mask, the rush.

He's absolutely right.

He's gonna make a hell
of an actor.

Screwing going to be!

I already have the first 15
years of my career behind me.

I gotta go.

Oh, Maxine? You know what?

Just one more thing, okay?

If you ever do speak to my
mother, my mother, mother,

check out whether she really is
a triple murderer

as is often alleged.

You never know
what's in the blood, do you?

The talent in the corpuscles
working quietly away until

one day, out of nowhere,
all of a sudden,

for no good reason that anyone
could think of, you just sing

like Pavarotti
or maybe wind up shooting

a perfectly good dog.

Timing okay?

How do we live with it?

We live with it.

Griffin!

Here, boy!

That's not like him.

Griffin, here!

Griff!

Griff!

Randolph likes animals,
doesn't he?

Griffin?

Griffin?

Griff?

Griff?

Griffin, come on!

Don't be so at home already!

Griffin?

Griff?

There is a cello hanging

in the barn.

Y'all didn't say goodbye.

Hey, forgot your Stetson,
kid.

Have you seen
Griffin anyplace?

Take me with you.

Will you do that?

I promise not to sing or dance.

We can't even take
Griffin with us.

Look at it this way,
Aunt Maxine.

You could well be helping
to avert a rural

double slaying tragedy.

You know what you
should do, don't you, Randolph?

Go back to the cello.

I remember how well you played.

I mean, it was truly promising.

Take me with you or
I'll smash this rock

right through your windshield.

Don't get mad,
whatever you do.

They're good people, okay?

I'm not saying they aren't.

But they're not good for me.

They love you.

Imagine I live with you
and not them.

Right away, I'm old and
gray and contemplating suicide.

Randolph, is that what you
seriously want for Christmas?

I love it.

You see what I mean?

You could write a part for me.

Okay, you really wanna act?

Yes.

Okay, I can help you if
I live that long.

Do you wanna move the gun,
please? Okay?

Where's Griffin?

He's checking out the cows
and they're doing likewise.

He's fine.

I wanna dispel one illusion
in case you seriously have it.

Nobody suddenly sings like
Pavarotti, not even Pavarotti.

Listen, I can fit
in back, okay?

I wouldn't say a word.

It isn't gonna happen.

You're gonna go to school.

You're gonna learn.

Because, Randolph, knowing
things, trust me on this,

knowing things is part of how
an actor prepares, okay?

You're bullshitting me,

okay, and I know it.

Absolutely,
and I'm right to do it.

I can also buy that.

Hey, hey, come here boy.

Griffin.

I'm gonna miss you.

He'll be all right with me.

I'll be back.

I lied and I cheated and

I got us the hell out of there.

That's what I'm for, right?

It's so unfair.

You think so?

Why did Christopher
have to die, Barnaby?

Why not Randolph?

Think anybody would miss him?

Is Casimir gonna have

the smallest idea
of who the hell we are

turning up like this
after 30 years?

Maxine and Barnaby Pierce.

We must be crazy.

How good a teacher
was he, anyway?

Well, he was
the only professor who ever

meant a thing to me.

I don't even remember
anybody else's name.

So we are here
to get his permission to part

is what we're doing, isn't it?

I mean, he's still some kind
of oracle after all these years

and, even though we're not gonna
raise it, he's gonna know and,

if it's okay with him,
then it's okay, is the case.

Look at that diner.

Johnny's.

Is that what it used
to be called?

Isn't it Frankie and Johnny's?

Guess they split up.

Everybody does, right?

So if he says that
we should stay together,

would that convince you?

Green.

Can it be?

I've changed so little
and you have changed so much.

Hello, Casimir.

I told her she should marry
you and yet she comes to see me.

How's Juliette?

Juliette, she is out.

I hope she left
something for supper.

We certainly didn't
come in here to see you.

I never wanted you
to marry Maxine.

I only said that.

So she could admit that she
was in love with you, right?

That's right.

As if it mattered.

I knew you were never
gonna dump Juliette.

Oh, what's this?

Has Professor Emeritus
got a housekeeper now?

Or a housekeeper masseuse?

Hey.

Terri?

Hi.

Here, let me help you.

Thank you.

I don't believe
you have met my wife.

Terri, this is Maxine.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

And this is, um, Barnaby.

Hi.

Pierce.

I told you about Maxine,
I'm sure.

The favorite student
you waited and waited for

until another one comes along.

Terri with an "i'.

Well, I hope
you're gonna stay.

We're expecting you to stay.

Come on.

Come on.

Thanks.

Good, huh? Come.

Great.

Thank you.

You know, isn't there
still a Holiday Inn?

Dinner is an imposition.

No, no.

Everyone stays.

He likes when they do.

Yeah. It feels so good
when they finally leave.

The kitchen's in here.

You're embarrassed
because of Terri.

I'm sorry about that.

Ah, I'm way past
embarrassment.

She's a good-looking woman.

Congratulations.

Yes, she is.

And because of Juliette,
50-some years ago,

I saved her from, well,
whatever maybe wouldn't

have happened to her,
the beautiful Jewess

and her smitten interpreter.

You should write
about that sometime.

I only do comedy.

This is a comedy.

Laugh at us.

What I was smitten with above
all was my own vanity.

Does that mean
I owe her forever?

To get a woman who wouldn't
otherwise maybe have looked

at me with such gratitude
and worthiness,

it's a comedy of some kind.

Not for TV.

So what happened to her?

Juliette, when I told her
the two big things I liked

about Terri,
she said just one word.

Guess which?

He wants to know
what Juliette said to me

when I told her about Terri
and one word.

Guess which?

Finally.

Barnaby?

Your wife is a genius.

Yes. That's why she's

probably leaving me.

So where is Juliette?

Juliette, she...

I didn't kill her.

I'm gonna go see if
I can be of any help.

I can still lay
a table at least.

It's done.

Maxine, okay.

Can't you recognize
a little tact, you know?

Trying to give you
and Casimir a chance to...

How are you, hmm?

Grandmother yet?

Not that anybody's told me.

No?

It's nice to see you.

It's wonderful to see you.

I'm gonna go back
and teach and study.

Why?

I wanna be a psychologist.

At least I think I do.

Really?

Never too late to do
something useless in your life.

Teach what?

Well, French was my major
and they need somebody

at our local high school.

You always used to say
I had a tres bon accent.

You have a tres bon accent.

You also had those
black silk legs.

Did a lot for your
pronunciation.

You disapprove, don't you,
of me and Terri?

You were always
so proud of your marriage.

Yes.

I exchanged pride for what?

Greed.

Know the difference?

Greed has tits.

Oh, I hate that.

I seriously hate that.

What's happened to Juliette?

Remember that?

I remember that vase.

I remembered it.

Did you love it?

Did you give a damn about it?

Did I?

Was it valuable?

What's value?

I had it for years.

It's broken!

Do you miss it?

Or do you want me
to miss it, hmm?

How long you been with him?

I've been married
to him three years.

Oh.

Oh, that's pretty recent then.

For you. Not for me.

What does it mean, may I ask?

Being married to him?

Well, it means that
I get his house and his money.

Cas, we're eating!

You don't like me
for saying that?

I don't necessarily
like you for thinking it.

What happened to his son?

He went to Israel.

Really? Why'd he do that?

He knew he'd
never meet me there.

Israel?

Don't you worry about him?

No.

Why should I worry about him?

He's 38 years old
and a nigger.

If he gets sunburned,
that's his problem.

He's made the money
to do it in safety.

The king of plastic
packaging never reads a book.

The kid I always wanted.

Do I worry about him?

Casimir, you know
what you are?

Yes.

I know exactly what I am.

Sit down.

Let's be comfortable.

I am a shit.

It was always my secret ambition
to be a shit and

now I've realized it.

It is most men's--
isn't it?

I haven't read
the latest figures, but...

Finally.

What a weird meal.

That terrible stuffing, pork.

Then a great strudel.

Yeah, uneven meal.

Well, we're back in this room.

I never figured that.

You remember when we used
to house-sit here?

Yeah.

I left my virginity
somewhere in this room.

You were so beautiful.

Oh, were is nice.

You haven't changed.

Oh, well,
that's my big mistake

unless it's your big lie.

It's my big lie.

We shouldn't have done this.

Oh, coming here, oy.

In the first place, you mean?

Oh, you know exactly
what I mean.

What the hell happened to him?

The things you shouldn't do,
aren't they sometimes

the ones you should?

That first time that
we made love here, remember?

Mm-hmm.

It was Cas that you
really wanted, wasn't it?

Now that's a big lie.

I never wanted Casimir.

I wanted you.

What happened to us, Maxine?

Terri?

Hello, Maxine.

Jesus!

Juliette?

Now I get it.

What do you get, Maxine?

The strudel,
why it was so good.

What's going on around here?

Well, he's a funny man.

Funny?

Not the word
I might have chosen.

Well, he was good to me.

Why shouldn't he do
what he wanted to do?

Do you want a glass of water?

No, I don't want a thing,
not a thing.

Do you still live here?

Are you shocked?

Well, why didn't you have
dinner with us last night?

Well, I never see them.

Well, when did you
make the strudel?

In the night.

I do a lot at night.

I listen to the radio and,
in the day, very often I sleep,

I go for walks.

I'm not a ghost.

I have my life all to myself.

You mean you literally
never see him?

Well, why would I see him?

Well, doesn't
he check up on you?

You think he should?

I'm so sorry.

Well, I think it's very kind
of Casimir finally

to let me bury myself
in his house, don't you?

Can you imagine living

in a house like that?

Never seeing anybody?

Easily.

You know I'm never gonna
find anybody like you.

That's the one thing

you have to be, don't you?

The guy that never wanted
any of this to happen?

It's not honest, Barnaby.

It's--
I don't blame you, but it's not.

I did not invent
this situation between us.

You're probably right.

It all goes back to Christopher,
doesn't it, finally?

I don't know what it
goes back to,

what Christopher goes
back to...went back to.

Plus Hal.

Well, now that's when you
started secretly being divorced,

making preparations.

You stopped
telling me the truth.

What I started doing
was working in anger,

in secret anger.

Open comedy and secret anger,
nothing quite centered.

Making any sense?

Too much.

I'm sorry I did that
to you, truly sorry.

Always assuming that I did.

Every time we get close
to each other, we start to kick

holes in one another's lives.

Why do we do that?

I think it's the only
pleasure we have left.

You know, the only thing

that I said to Stanly was
that we might be coming

through Chicago, and he said,
oh, then you gotta have a meal

and stay the night,
but I'm going to see him.

Uh-huh.

I do. I like Stanly.

Yeah, I know.

And the fact that Karen
isn't with him anymore

really doesn't make
any difference whatsoever.

Boy, did we laugh.

When we did those two seasons

on the Stinkinsons?

And all those pilots.

What's Karen doing now?

Karen? Woof.

She's gotta be
in her 50s or something.

Oh, well, she couldn't
possibly be doing anything,

could she?

Oops.

Oops.

Boy, import enough
Greek yogurt and you too

can have your Rolls waxed.

Hey, hey!

Should we go get some flowers?

You're gonna meet
Glenn Gould.

Oh, he already has the Gould.

They got everything
in the whole damn world.

Why wouldn't
they have the Gould?

You're 20 years late.

What happened?

Traffic.

Hey, Barney.

How are you?

You don't know.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

Hi, Maxine.

Hi.

So nice to see you.

This is my sweetheart.

At last.

Hi, I'm Anthea.

Anthea, hello.

Very nice to meet you.

You too.

Cato? Luggage.

Brung you a present here.

Yes, sir, Mr. Tarlo.

How lovely.

You didn't have to do that.

I know.

Come on in.

I'll show you your room.

You can freshen up a little.

Thank you.

Chop-chop, Cato.

Welcome to Casa Tarlo.

Yogurt, huh? Thank you.

Thank you, Cato.

I was hoping you'd be bald.

Or have some

breathing difficulties.

I have respiratory phlegm.

So how's...

Maxine looks great,
by the way, just great.

When did she not?

How are the kids?

They're fine.

They're okay.

We're on our way
to see Stacy in Minneapolis.

Uh-huh.

And, of course,
Benjamin is getting married.

Congratulations.

You know about Christopher.

Yeah. We spoke at the time.

We just keep smiling.

Of course, in my case,
that means I keep

other people smiling.

How do you like the pool?

Fabulous. It's fabulous.

You got a sailboat
and everything.

Okay, okay.

Want something to eat? Drink?

I'd love some water.

Water?

Come with me.

We have a pleasant...

Hey, do you ever
see any of our old shows?

I try not to.

'Cause I caught a couple
episodes of "It's a Crime".

Yeah?

Do we get residuals on those?

Why?

You think you need the money?

I could use it.

Whoa, look at this place.

Nice. Whole thing.

So, you think
Maxine looks okay?

Oh, great.

She looks great.

Sadie, you look great.

What's your secret?

Well, to tell you the truth,
Janie, I'm having an affair.

Who's doing the catering?

I wrote some really good stuff.

My line?

Me.

Mine!

Me!

You two have been
together for so long.

What's to talk about?

I know, I know, I know.

Get you some water.

Life is tough, huh?

Yep-a-doodle.

Here you go, buddy.

To Barnaby and Stanly.

Barnaby and Stanly.

So Anthea lets you touch her
whenever you want.

She's a wonderful girl,
seriously.

I've never...

It's the best I've ever had.

She's a wonderful woman.

She looks very sweet.

You know, the sex is
not the whole thing here.

She's bright, she's smart.

How is the sex?

It's pretty good.

I'm using Viagra now.

Really?

Do you use it?

Uh, no.

Miracle, miracle.

I'm like vavoom-boom.

Like MiracleGro.

Yeah.

Well, yogurt's been kind to me.

I mean, I know you think
it's pretentious a little bit,

don't you?

So what happened with Karen?

What happened to Karen?

Karen's living with another
woman in Baltimore, Lulu.

Which came first?

Baltimore did.

Lulu is younger
than Baltimore considerably.

No, no, no.

Not a lot prettier.

I mean, Stanly, do you think
that you're responsible for,

you know, Karen doing
what she was doing?

My lawyer says not.

My lawyer says that
I say not, but am I?

Are you?

Me?

You fucked her, didn't you?

What?

Barney, she told me
all about it.

I never even kissed Karen!

She never accused you
of kissing her.

This is a total
and complete lie!

Barney, a lot of stuff
came up at one point

and this was one
of those things.

She also fucked Buddy Schultz.

Buddy, I knew about,
but not also.

See, it's not an also.

Also never happened, never.

Well...

Stanly, you must
have hated me.

Is this why we didn't
see each other?

I would never hate you!

You never come to Chicago.

Well, you never
come to New York?

I never fucked her.

I never did it, not once!

You're my friend, okay?

Why would she say
something like that?

Maybe she had
wished that it had,

assuming it didn't.

You're my friend!

I know I'm your friend.

I come to your house.

Why would you even think that?

Why, Stanly?

Why? Why?

No, why, why?

Why don't we cut
the last why?

It might help the scene.

You know, if I just think
of all the black lists

that I could have been on,
and this I never did.

I never did this thing!

Why don't we go see how
those two gals are doing, huh?

Ooh, in Baltimore?

Not those two.

Jordan and all that stuff.

Petra.

It's so dangerous now to go
to the Middle East.

Right.

So, Anthea, would you
do me a favor, hon?

Put the Gould on.

I'm dying to hear it.

No, no, no.

Don't put...no.

You can do that anytime.

Do Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis?

What?

Please, I don't
wanna do Jerry. I don't wanna.

She's never seen
you do Jerry Lewis?

No.

Come on, come on.

Oh, you have to do it.

You have to do it now, Stanly.

I don't wanna do Jerry Lewis!

Do it for me.

Do you insist?

Do it! Do it!

Okay.

I'm the nutty professor.

Hi, Dean. Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Barny. Hi, Maxine.

Hi, Anthea.

Ooh!

Stan, are you all right?

Stanly, you're not
dead again, are you?

He does this.

It's something he does.

Hello?

Stanly?

Hello? Mrs. Biebel?

I can't talk to you now.

Stanly?

Yeah, yeah.

No, you're gonna have
to call back.

Stanly?

What?

Stanly?

You've had an offer?

Stanly?

How much?

We should get a doctor.

Call 911!

No. Forget a doctor.

Call an ambulance or the medics.

I call 911!

Stanly.

Easy.

It's okay, baby.

Oh, Stanly, I love you.

Anthea, you know, they say--

I don't care what they say!

I'm going with him! Let's go!

Anthea?

Anthea, we'll drive you.

He's my husband, my husband.

You fucks!

This is all your fault!

You know he's dead,

don't you?

This hasn't happened.

This couldn't be happening.

Am I responsible?

I am. Oh, God.

He never should have
done the Jerry Lewis.

No, he wanted to do it.

He was dying to do it.

That could be better phrased.

Fucks.

She doesn't want us here.

We're the last people
she's gonna wanna see

when she gets back here.

She's gonna hate us, Barnaby,
for the rest of her life.

He thought you looked great.

You wanna know
what happened to Karen?

Oh, yeah.

She's living in Baltimore
with another woman.

No.

Lulu.

I don't believe it.

Lulu?

Cato, could you help us
with our luggage?

Yes, sir.

Why don't you give Stacy
a call and see if she's home?

Oh, shit.

What?

I lost my cell phone.

You sure?

I think I left it
at Stanly's. I did.

Use mine.

It's in my bag.

Anything in your life
that isn't in this bag?

What's his name?

What?

What's his name,
the guy that lives with Stacy?

Why do I keep thinking that
it's Chesterfield when it's not?

Davenport.

That's why.

Barney, make an effort, okay?

'Cause I think she's really
in love with this one.

Oh, I gave it to Cato!

Son of a bitch!

Boy, this is
a crappy neighborhood.

Do you think it's safe?

Don't close the door.

I gotta get the rug.

Oh.

Barnaby, wait a minute.

What? What's the matter?

Well, how are we gonna
approach this?

You know, how are
we gonna tell her that...

We don't have to say
anything right away.

It's all right.

Right, 'cause you know
how emotional she can get.

Oh, darling!

Oh, darling, look at you.

Mother!

Oh, my gorgeous girl!

Oh, my God, now I understand.

Why Minneapolis, huh?

Oh, now I understand.

You know this much!

It's so beautiful.

We're here for one minute and
already I don't know anything.

Here, this is for you.

Ta-da.

Oh, you bought that in India.

I love that rug.

We love you.

That's why we want you
to have it.

Oh, God.

You didn't have to do this.

Oh, well, all right then.

In that case, we'll just...

Honey.

Oh, thank you.

Look at this kitchen.

God, look at this stuff.

How's your job?

Well, I didn't get fired
if that's what you mean.

Why would I mean that?

Why won't you level with me?

What are you two really
doing all the way up here?

We've come to visit you.

Okay, what about the whole
truth and nothing but the truth?

We now have lawyers instead.

That's too true.

No, we're going to Los Angeles,
you know, for the wedding.

Mother, what business
am I in?

Business?

Yes, well, financial.

Finances services, isn't it?

Straws in the wind.

I am hired to pick things
out of the air

and draw conclusions from them.

Now you two come up here
looking eminently polite

with each other and
you ring about as true

as a Norman Rockwell.

Plus, you give away
your favorite rug.

So what's happening?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Were you finally planning
on getting a divorce?

Is that the situation?

No!

Yes.

Well, hell.

I am glad it is
out of the closet, unfolded

and out of the closet.

Now let's drink some
of this stuff

in the newly cleared air.

Don't you think you're
being a little unfeeling?

Taking it as easily as you are?

No.

I just want you to
live a little, you know,

now that's it's...

Too late.

Oh, but that's crap, Barnaby.

Oh, well, that's two
to one on crap Barnaby.

Why don't I make it unanimous?

We were afraid.

No.

See, I'm trying to dispense
with those, the fear.

You know, I'm trying to prove
to you that contrary, I hope,

to appearances that I am okay.

I'm sane, you know.

I've become sane.

So I can confront what I know
without panicky denial.

I don't know if this is maturity
resignation or evidence that--

I throw it open to the floor.

Impressive maturity in my view.

Cheers.

Now it's my turn.

A couple things that I have
to say, the first being...

You're pregnant.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

You're pregnant?

You're pregnant?

Really? Oh, my God!

Well, how long have you...

last night?

Oh, ha-ha.

10 weeks.

Is Davenport as happy as
you seem to be about this?

Which bring us very swiftly
and just as well, since we have

a dinner reservation, to item
number two on the agenda.

He's ambivalent.

You know, I have
no indications about

Davenport's feelings.

He seems to have just
vanished from our screens,

but I wouldn't mourn exactly.

Are we supposed to be happy
that you're gonna

raise a kid all by yourself?

Look, I don't like the idea
any more than you do,

but, number three,
luckily I won't have to.

So come on now.

Who is he?

Who and where is he, actually?

Okay, he's in TV.

He's a sportscaster and
a very, very good one too,

very popular in town,
as you will see when

all the heads swing around
as he comes in.

Oh, cue!

Here he is.

The lucky man.

I'm sorry I'm late, baby.

My producer said he had
something that would take

only a minute and it didn't.

It took 25.

Hi.

Maxine.

Oh, my God.

Ah, just what
you expected, huh?

Clifford Wordsworth.

I have seen you play a couple
of times, more than a couple.

This is the guy.

This character can score under
pressure better than anybody!

You're a hockey player,
or what are you?

Maxine, hockey players

are rarely seven foot tall.

You didn't tell them, did you?

No.

I wanted to surprise them.

And see how
they handle it, right?

Yeah, they handled it
pretty well.

So you come all this way
to Minneapolis to find out

your one and only
beautiful daughter is dating

an ex-basketball player.

She wanted to see us

take it on the chin.

So we've seen that.

I need a drink. Raymond?

Good evening, Mr. Wordsworth.

It's always a pleasure
to see you again.

Yes, same with you.

Can I have my usual, please?

Certainly.

Mother?

Clifford is not the father
if it's any kind of concern.

Davenport left me
a little something,

but I'm not gonna
remember him by it.

Well, we never
met Davenport either.

Meaning you haven't
met Cliff?

Mother, Cliff.

Cliff, this is my mother.

No, baby.

I think your mother is
saying something else.

She wants to know if
the father of your child

is white or should
they brace themselves for

the rest of the local news?

That's not fair.

I've played pro basketball
for 10 years, Mrs. Pierce.

What isn't fair is what you
get away with when people

aren't looking.

Mother, he's putting you on.

Because, as Clifford

knows full well,
Davenport was whiter than white.

That's right.

I'm relieved, personally
that she doesn't have

a history with black guys.

Who wants to be a part of
a reoccurring pattern, right?

I feel the same way.

Mm.

Mm.

I'm gonna have some more.

Don't imagine Davenport

as the bright shining son-in-law
that never was.

I mean, there were conspicuously
despicable things about that.

Have we ever asked
for an explanation?

Have I ever?

Yeah, what about that
burn on the dining room table?

Oh, yes.

I don't know.

That was the subject
of a prolonged inquest.

That's true.

Maxine, do you dance?

Oh, please be advised.

Mother always shakes
her head to indicate yes.

No, no.

Well, you know,
my one big chance.

Well, yes, thank you.

I will.

You talked me into it.

So I spoke to Benjie.

You didn't tell him
about the car?

No, I did not tell him that
you're giving him the T-Bird.

He has no idea.

He still thinks
you're flying out to L.A.

on Tuesday.

I am so happy you guys
are doing this.

Well, he always
loved that car.

The divorce, I mean.

Did it bother you that much?

God, they really seem
to like each other.

God, they really seem
to like each other.

You shoulda seen her as
a little girl.

Oh, mother.

You know what daddy always says.

No flashbacks.

I bet she climbed
a lot of trees, huh?

We had this neighbor, Paula,
and she was over at our place

one time when we were waiting
for the fire engine to get

you out of the sycamore tree,
I think it was.

She said to me, "Maxine, don't
you ever wonder about Stacy?"

Wonder? Wonder what?

Oh, you know, like you should
have been called Rick or Rock

or something with pants on it.

God, she was some sexy
fatso on stage, wasn't she?

Paula?

Great tart.

Okay, I'll tell you what
it is I wanted to ask you.

If it's a boy, which we don't
know yet obviously, would either

of you have any objection
if we named it Christopher?

Yes.

Maxine?

Well, I thought...

Think again, would you?

Mother?

It's eight years.

Yes, it is, over.

You want me to tell you
how many days over?

Damn!

You can always tell when
mother is seriously pissed.

She starts doing favors.

You know, like I'd stay out
later than I should and all

my washing got done,
even things that were clean.

Oh, great.

Maybe it'll be a girl.

No, it's okay.

Okay, you're really upset.

No. You asked me a question.

I answered. Nobody's upset.

Meaning I now don't
get my bedside rug shaken out?

No, no. Look, I'm tired.

I think I might go to bed.

Do you wanna show me
where everything is?

Watch your head.

Okay.

Are you having
a problem handling this?

You know, me and your daughter?

That problem?

Stacy's been a big girl
for, gee, over a week now.

She always does what she wants.

Do you always want her to?

So what was the toughest team
you ever faced?

Aside from you and your wife?

That's very polite.

I think that's what it is
because we're not

very much of a team.

And I'm sorry if we
embarrassed you by coming here.

Have we?

No, no.

I expected you to be white.

You're very experienced
when it comes to knowing

how to say things.

You're a big star.

You play Mr. Modesty,
but you're a big star

and stars usually, I imagine,
well, not just imagine,

I know quite a few.

Stars are used to, you know,
getting all the girls they want

and quite a few who
want them and...

Like that.

Mr. Pierce,
Stacy isn't girls.

She's strictly in
the singular like that.

All right, I got
an early day tomorrow.

To be continued.

So he doesn't mind the baby?

No. He loves me.

I know, I didn't entirely
believe it myself

at first either,
but it's true.

You know, at first when
Davenport got so nasty,

I thought I would just do
what he said and get rid of it.

But then, at the same time
almost, I asked myself what

I wanted and I knew I wouldn't.

I realized that I wanted to have
it and not him and, what's more,

I damn well would.

But are you sure?

Are you sure that you want it
because you want it,

not because he didn't?

Are you afraid people are
gonna think it's Clifford's?

Never occurred to me.

Okay. So in your opinion,
what should I do?

You know the best advice
a mother can give.

Don't do what I did.

And what did you do?

Is that weaving
from Guatemala?

Peru.

I thought so.

Mother?

I got rid of it.

Then I married Barnaby.

He thought he had to.

I thought he wanted to.

I was 28 years of my life.

Well, that's neat,
but that's not true.

When did it happen?

In college?

Why else didn't I graduate?

I thought it was true love.

So did I.

So did Barnaby possibly.

Maybe it was, God help us.

Can I bring him
to Benjie's wedding?

Clifford?

Why wouldn't you?

Stacy, don't,

whatever you do,
base your life on what you

think your parents won't like.

I mean, you'd be truly horrified
if you ever found out how

really open-minded we are.

To the point of being glad
to have a black son-in-law?

Are you going to marry him?

I don't know.

I might just toy with him
a little bit.

No, I love him.

What other ingredients
are required

before you marry someone?

I don't know.

I never clipped the recipe.

After you married daddy,

did you ever fuck anybody else
just to have something

of your own?

Do you talk that way
about your mother?

I always suspected you did.

Christopher did too.

Hal Kressler?

What about him?

Does daddy know?

Know what?

Well, you may not have
anything to hide,

but you sure hide it well.

I love you, mom.

Goodnight.

It's even better at night, huh?

Fabulous, fabulous.

You okay?

The worst thing in the world
has already happened to me,

so I have no doubt
that we'll survive.

Frankly, I think her life

will be shit without me.

My life will be shit

without her.

Daddy, do you wanna
do anything about this or not?

What's to do?

What's to say?

I already said everything.

You know who
you remind me of?

Who?

Mom.

Maybe I should just put all
my money into some kind of trust

fund for the children.

Please, God, don't let 'em
retire on the benefits.

I think Stacy might
actually marry him.

Do you think it could work?

Well, let's see.

He's black and she's
carrying someone else's kid.

I don't see why not.

Seriously, Barnaby.

Well, how the hell do I know?

He's happy, she's happy.

Of course, so were we.

Do you know what
you should do, Barney?

You should write
something on spec.

Write something.

Something what?

Not serious?

I don't do serious.

I didn't say serious.

I didn't even say great.

Just something for yourself.

Because I can't be
a great writer just

because I'm suicidal.

You know what I mean?

Thank you.

Enjoy.

You should write
your memoirs.

Memoirs of a hack,
so I can be my own "as told to".

Who would read that?

Well, Stan's been dead
two full days.

Anthea has probably
been remarried by now.

I know I shouldn't say that.

Good-looking woman.

Why don't you give her
a call?

You saying that you're
not coming back with me?

Is that what you're doing?

We have to sell the house.

Mm-hmm.

So maybe I should call
Mrs. Biebel.

What time is it in the east?

I don't know. What? 9:00?

Yeah, it's too late.

The truth is,
I really don't want to sell

and I don't wanna
call Mrs. Biebel.

I don't wanna sell the house.

Well, just go back
and live in it.

God, I wish Stan Tarlo
could see this.

♪ When Johnny comes
♪ Marching home again

♪ Hurrah, hurrah
♪ We'll give him a hearty

♪ Welcome then
♪ Hurrah, hurrah

You think they're gonna
have a stripper later?

It's more than possible.

These things usually start
with a prayer and end

with "take it off".

Imagine actually
being a stripper.

Did you ever?

No. No, I don't have
the architecture.

I don't have the kind of front
that men lean forward for,

you know?

Like they drop something
and they just have to work out

where the hell it went.

You did when you

were pregnant.

Oh, yes.

You make my point, you bastard.

Have you been deprived?

Oh, you're a beautiful woman,
Maxine.

No, no, don't, please.

No, no.

Think of all the women
in the world.

That's what you were to me.

What was Paula then,
if that's what I was?

Maybe she was a slice of
turkey when no one was looking.

What was Hal?

What was Hal, now that we're
talking about these things?

A long, long time ago.

And tomorrow.

He is tomorrow now, idn't he?

I know that
they're baying at something.

What are they baying on?

Take it off!

You know, there's some

females who really get off
on that kind of hunger,

that rage, that desire.

I hope you
locked the door, Barnaby.

Hey, Maxie. What?

Oh, no, you don't.

Don't what?

You know.

Oh, no, no, no.

Thought I was safe in here.

Come on, come on, come on.

Stop it.

Come on.

Barnaby, no.

Why now, why? What for?

Why?

Because we're strangers
in the night.

Because we've been
together for so long.

And it's not just
a coincidence, right?

What?

That we're going to Denver
tomorrow to see Hal?

Look what you just killed.

You just killed that, Maxine.

You know, I used to lie there
and ache for you to reach out

to me and you didn't.

What you never did was,
you never laid in bed

and knew that I was
with someone else.

and knew that I was
with someone else.

We don't have to go
to Denver.

We can go straight on to L.A.

I won't care.

Hal will care.

You will care.

Besides, we promised.

Promises are for breaking.

You know what's really

terrible, for me at least?

It isn't selling the house.

It's selling our memories
and they're never gonna know,

the next people.

They're not gonna
see our ghosts.

They're not gonna recognize
the bumps and the scratches

or what they signify.

Oh, Barney.

Oh, Barney.

Oh.

Oh, Maxine.

Mr. and Mrs. Pierce?

I'm Lynn.

I'm Mr. Kressler's assistant.

Right this way, please.

Hey.

Yes. Can I help you?

I'll be damned.

Well, you will if
I'm on the jury.

Well, you must have
treated her right, Barnaby.

She looks great.

She looks wonderful.

You too.

That's us.

Sporty, very sporty.

I thought we'd, you know,
go to the house.

Emily wants to see you.

Yeah. We wanna see her.

Well, you have the address.

But why don't you follow me?

It'd be the simplest thing.

Tell you what.

Why don't you go with him?

Barney, let's just try
and get through this without...

No.

You wanna be alone with him.

That's one of the reasons
we came.

Tell you what, Maxine.

Why don't you ride with me?

That is, if Barn doesn't mind.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa.

Hal?

Hal!

We lost him.

He'll find us.

What if he doesn't?

You have a cell, don't you?

He'll call you and
we'll give him directions.

Or he'll call the office
and Lynn will tell him...

I don't have a toothbrush
or any clothes or anything.

He'll find us.

Maxine, you have not seen
the last of him, I guarantee it.

Unless you want to have.

So...

Why do you still do that?

You still say so...

It's really going to happen,
is it, this time?

Well, I never said it was
ever gonna happen before.

I never remotely indicated that.

So, why?

Well, you know, Benjie's
getting married and Stacy is

too, so we're led to believe.

She's with a black guy now,
Clifford Wordsworth.

The Clifford Wordsworth?

Oh, there are others?

Well, not for me,
there isn't.

God, he's one of
the all-time greats.

Yep.

I remember Stacy when
you had to go back and

read her bedtime stories.

So do I.

That wasn't one of them.

He's not gonna show up
behind us no matter

how many times you do that.

You always used to say that
we were a mismatch made in

heaven, Barney and me...and I.

Yeah, I remember saying it
once, when you were getting

dressed with your back to me.

You always got dressed with
your back to me like there was

something I still
shouldn't get to see.

Even after we just fucked,
you did that.

Okay, so?

I wanted to believe it.

I needed to believe it.

I needed to have you say
you did, but did you?

I think maybe
I shouldn't have come.

I don't think you ever
thought you should.

I remember one time
when you came,

instead of saying yes like
most women do when they're

happy, what did I hear you say?

No! No!

Oh, no, if we have
to be accurate.

I remember that.

Yeah, I remember
I was so shocked.

I was so shocked, shocked.

I thought I'd hurt you.

At how great it was and
how much I was gonna have to...

Lie to him?

I guess.

I was terrified at how far away
from home I was at that moment.

I didn't even care
about the kids.

I loved you,
whether you like it or not.

I needed maybe to hear you
say that a couple more times.

I said it plenty!

No, no.

I mean about me and Barney
being a mismatch.

I didn't care about you
and Barney.

Fuck you and Barney!

Fuck fucking,
to tell you the truth.

Because you know what I do
in the scoring department

these days, huh?

I go down to Santa Fe
and there's a number

I have down there and
I go see this woman

whose number it is,
maybe once or twice a year.

She thinks I'm CIA
because I told her so.

That's what I do.

And Emily?

What about Emily?

What about Emily?

Yes.

How about you get outta

the goddamned car right now?

What did I say wrong?

You'll figure it out. Out!

Go get your goddamned divorce!

And how about you don't ever
come back and tell me, huh?

Emily is Emily.

She always has been.

You know it and I know it!

Where am I?

I haven't the slightest idea
where I am.

I don't know where Barney is.

You'll work it out.

You wanna know
the last time Emily--

No, Hal,
not in the slightest.

Right after that letter
you wrote saying you wouldn't

be writing any more letters.

Then.

How long ago was that, huh?

Huh? Eight years ago?

It has to have been.

Barnaby opened one of
your letters and

I thought by mistake.

You thought so...

That I was gonna stay
married to Barnaby and,

okay, we have to be serious
about it.

Okay? Fuck you!

Fuck you, good and loyal wife!

It was that or...it was right
after Christopher was killed

and I know that you need to be
mad, but I needed Barnaby and

he sure needed me,
and I'm sorry.

Christopher is...

Don't say a word!

Not one word, please!

All right.

Imagine some man who was
once in love with a woman

who was also in love with him.

But, unfortunately,
she was married with kids.

And whatever they felt about
each other, the man always knew

in his heart that she loved her
husband and her kids and that it

was, okay, his duty
to let her go back to them.

He lived for the next umpteen
years in the knowledge,

so he thought, that he had done
something, all right, noble,

something that was right to do.

He wasn't happy.

He was not at all happy,
but he had, he liked to think,

some reason to be pleased
because he had contributed

to something valuable.

It wasn't like that.

Something good,
something right!

And then you drop in with your
coy little smile and you say,

"Guess what, folks?"
You and Barnaby got it

all wrong after all.

How about that?

And the answer is,
get the fuck outta my car.

And get the fuck outta my life!

This is Barnaby's cell phone.

Goddamn it, Barney.

Why did you have to lose
your goddamned phone?

Hey, Halibut!

Well, against all the odds,
I beat you here.

What happened to you?

Where's Maxine?

She got out.

She got out? Where?

Somewhere along the line.

Wow. Where? Why?

I told her to and she did.

You told her to?

Mm-hmm, and you're making it
really worthwhile I did.

What did you do to Maxine?

When, in our long history,
are we talking about?

Where is she?

She went shopping!

You know, I always used to
think I liked you, despite...

but I don't.

I really don't.

Mm-hmm. Well, she thought
you'd married her out of pity.

She told you that, huh?

Right after the abortion.

Oh, she told you
a lot of stuff.

And that's why I got lucky
with my best friend's wife.

I got lucky accordingly with
a hot little piece of ass.

That's my whole life taken care
of pretty well, except there's

a kicker.

There was one more squeeze
to be gotten out of me

and up you came to squeeze it.

Hal, where did you
leave Maxine exactly?

She's the best I ever had.

You tell her that.

And I do declare, if she hadn't
loved you so damned much,

she would have sucked it
right off one of those times.

Is that what you
wanted confirmation of?

You have it.

Been great seeing you
for the last time, Hal.

Have a happy divorce.

I began to think
you weren't coming.

Here I am.

Thank God.

Can we possibly get out of here?

There must be a way.

♪ Hooray for Hollywood
♪ That screwy

♪ Ballyhooey Hollywood
♪ Where any office boy

♪ Or young mechanic
♪ Can be a panic, with just

♪ A good-looking pan
♪ And any barmaid

♪ Can be a star maid
♪ If she dances with

♪ Or without a fan
♪ Hooray for Hollywood

♪ Where you're terrific
Unbelievable.

Barnaby Pierce,
the great Barnaby Pierce!

Gary.

How are you?

I live and breathe.

How are ya?

Gary, this is
my wife, Maxine.

I don't believe that you two
met except on the telephone.

Maxine, how are you?

You look great.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Gary and I worked together
a long time ago.

He produced a TV pilot
that Stan Tarlo and I

wrote together back
in the old days.

Never saw the light of day.

Well, what are you gonna do?

You wanna get a coffee?

There's a coffee shop.

We'll go get a coffee?

I can't.

I'm not checked in yet.

So what?

So I can't charge it
to the room.

What?

I'm gonna go buy you a coffee
and then I'm gonna stiff you?

What, you've changed?

When have I ever stiffed you?

The final payment on
"Sherlock Holmes in Manhattan"?

Why don't you two guys go
and have a coffee and some fun?

You'll get ready,
you'll come and join us?

Sure.

Coffee and fun.

Yeah.

I like that,
if only we could, huh?

Just have your signature,
Mrs. Pierce?

Yes, thank you.

Uh, you know what?

Two coffees, mine decaf
and skim milk.

Throw in a couple of Danish.

Yes, sir.

Same thing for me.

No skim milk, no Danish.

Very good.

Huh?

Stan died.

Stan...

Stan Tarlo. He died.

Did you ever see
his Jerry Lewis imitation?

I don't know what

Stanly Tarlo looked like.

He died right in front
of my eyes.

So you gonna see people
while you're here?

No.

I was just gonna hang out
in lobbies and places.

I guess I'm just here on

a kind of vacation,
you know, thinking of

writing my memoirs.

No, no, don't.

Be advised, don't unless you
fucked a lot of famous broads

or you swindled a lot of people
real good, i.e., real bad.

Mustn't do that.

What do you think about gothic?

Gothic architecture?

No. I'm developing
a series for cable,

American Gothic.

What is that? Decaf?

And that's skim?

Yeah, just put the Danish.

So it's halfway between
Edgar Allen Poe and

Hawthorne with a smidgeon
of The Addams Family

in there someplace.

So I'm looking for
quality writers who really

wanna do something
a little bit imaginative.

That's code for
low budget, right?

You know what, Barnaby,
seriously?

Co-produce it with me.

You don't need me, okay?

And I'm not really here.

That's Marsha Kapinski.

Gesundheit.

No, no, no.

Marsha Kapinski is
a real player.

I got a 12:00 with her.

Um, that explains why you
look like you're ready to

go down on her in public.

Doing a remake
of "Rebecca" together.

Also, "The Birds".

Totally different concept.

Much more ecological.

I gotta go.

You know what else I'm doing?

Lady officer in the Marines.

I'm thinking of calling it
"Officer and a Lady".

You ever catch up with
"Officer and a Gentleman"?

It's like that, only better,
different, better.

I'm outta here.

All right.

Apologize to your wife for me.

Why? What did you do to her?

Excuse me?

Didn't, what, steal her
purse or anything, did you?

Because I can cancel
the credit cards.

You know what, Barnaby?

You're sick, okay?

Just like that.

You should see a doctor.

You should see one.

Why, when I can see
a shit like you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I get it, I get it.

No. I get it.

No!

Listen, only you're so wrong.

Barnaby, Barnaby,
this new series has nothing

to do with Sgt. Bimbo.

Kathy is an officer.

When did I ever steal an idea?

The last time you had
a good one.

Marsha Lapinski?

Kapinski, huh?

You have a 12:00 appointment.

Yes, I know.

He's a thief.

Excuse me?

He's a thief.

Next time he tries to fuck you,
watch your purse.

Now you wait just a minute.

I could very well call someone
over here right now.

That's exactly
what you need to do.

Barnaby?

You should tell someone.

Clearly, you're insane.

Hey, good to see you!

Hey, this must mean
you're out of the joint.

Drunk or on something.

Gothic?

Yeah.

Okay, all right, okay.

Who was that?

Oh, you know what
happened to me?

Do you remember--
no, you wouldn't remember--

Stanly Tarlo?

Great, great comedy writer.

Tarlo, no, I don't.

My friend. He worked for me.

Mother? Mom?

Wow.

Hello, darling.

You look...

Stop it. Stop it.

All right, okay.

How are you?

I'm good, very good.

Now, as Barnaby's
still busy with Mrs. Biebel

just finishing up...

Biebel?

Yeah, she's the realtor.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Yeah, a glass of chardonnay,
please?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Mrs. Biebel?

Yeah.

Oh, you know the house.

The house, right, okay.

It's not important, but what's
gonna happen with all

our stuff in the house
if and when you sell it?

Anything you want
shipped out, we'll ship it.

Okay. I was thinking
mostly my things.

Sure.

Okay, some of Christopher's,
but not that I covet them.

It's just I don't want them
thrown out with the garbage.

Here you are.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mom, what are you
gonna do really?

First off,
I'm gonna enjoy this week.

I'm sorry if we didn't make it
clear to you about your things,

other things,
unless Stacy wants them.

It wasn't callousness.

It was just the opposite.

I'm sorry.

What's the opposite?

Squeamishness.

Okay.

It's not Barnaby that
I need to be distinct from.

It's what happened in the house
or what happened

while we were in the...

What are you talking
about for starters?

You know what
I remember the most?

I remember being
so afraid to be happy again.

I wanted the pain so bad
that I grew numb with it.

But I knew I had to pretend
to smile for you and

for Stacy and Barnaby.

So it got to the point where,
you know, I doubted my sincerity

just about everything, you know,
and my own secret feelings,

you know.

I faked to myself too
or I thought I did.

Yeah, something I was
a little too proud of doing,

just a little too proud,
I guess.

Is she pregnant?

Is that what you're telling me?

Who? Imogen? No.

God, Mom, no one's pregnant.

Stacy is.

Yeah.

Wow, I know, I know.

Do you know about the guy?

Clifford?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I know who he is.

Oh, everybody does,
except me.

I thought he was
a hockey player.

A hockey player?

Do you wanna
have kids, though?

Yeah, assuming Imogen
can still go on

with her career, of course.

Oh, yeah, she should,
I guess.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Was there some reason
you wanted to see me?

How about
'cause you're my mother?

Hi.

Can I help you?

Barnaby Pierce to see
Benjamin Pierce.

Look at you!

You look...

Listen, I want you to meet my

boss and we're gonna go wrestle
with a bit of pastrami.

Great. Pastrami sounds good.

Let's go.

Show you around a bit.

Fabulous.

This is the boardroom.

Boardroom, okay.

Coming up here, all right?

Check this out, check this out.

Benjamin...

If there's time,
we'll come back.

It's not big enough.

Come in.

Marsha?

I would like you to meet my dad.

Oy vey!

No!

This is your...Benjamin.

Oh, my.

Well, Ben, I have to tell you
your father is a crazy man.

He says very, very weird things
to people in coffee shops.

What is this?

You two already know each other?

Yes, intimately.

Your father confided to me
that Gary Pereira was a thief.

And when was this?

When was this?

Yesterday morning.

Really?

Yeah.

Didn't Gary tell you that
I was an old lush named Pierce?

No. In fact, he said
he didn't know who you were.

Oh, bless his loyal

old heart.

It really is just
so amazing to me.

You can't even imagine
what kind of a shadow

you cast around here.

Thanks.

You know, Ben,
we should get your father

to do something for us.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, just give me a hoop
and I'll roll right through it.

All right.

Well, I'll keep my eyes open.

Nice to meet you.

Great to meet you.

Have a good lunch.

Can I say something?

Sure.

All right.

Forgive me if I'm wrong.

Forgive you if you're right.

But that's about as far
as I'll go.

If you and mom are
not parting at this point,

why do we have to hear about it?

Because we wanna
be up front with you.

You know, you and Stacy
are adults and

we didn't wanna spring it--
Oh, see?

That is exactly
what you're doing,

and now you're going back on it.

We have handled it badly.

I'll give you that.

Oh, yeah.

But it's not like we did
anything intentionally.

And why are you so concerned?

Well, you think it
doesn't matter to me?

Dad, it matters to both of us.

You've already talked
to Stacy about this?

Not at length.

Because when we talked
to her, she was very,

very calm about it.

She was very...

Stacy.

Of course, she'd be.

What I think is going on
is that you feel threatened

by the uncertainty.

And that's so unreasonable?

No, no.

Now you can imagine how I feel.

So what is it?

You guys don't love
each other anymore?

Is that it?

No, not exactly.

Look, I don't wanna blame
your mother for this.

I don't wanna blame anybody.

If I wanna blame someone,
I blame myself.

But what we don't seem to love,
what seems not to be loved

enough or not too much,
is we don't seem

to love being with each other.

You don't have sex anymore.

You know, there are some
things that I don't talk about

with my children, Benjamin,
no matter how dated

that might be.

Meaning? Keep going.

Meaning I don't wanna have
this conversation with you,

okay?

I find it aggressive
and obnoxious.

Christopher.

Christopher what?

Is what it's all about.

It's what everything is about.

When they called you from
Colorado to tell you that

there had been an accident,
what exactly did they say?

They said that there
had been an accident.

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, shit, Dad. Hey.

Don't look at me.

Are those people you work with?

It's not important,
Dad, please.

Alternatively, I could ask
you here and now in front of

everybody what the fuck is it
that you wanna hear from me?

I guess what
I don't wanna hear, Dad,

is what I wanna hear.

Which is?

They said somebody was dead.

Did they not say that?

They said that there had
been a fatal car accident, yes.

And that they were afraid
that our son...

Dad, when it happened,
you didn't know, did you,

which one of us it happened to?

They said it was the driver.

We knew it wasn't you.

You were 15 years old.

Christopher would never
have let you drive.

Benjamin!

No, oh, Ben.

You know, I always wished
I could ski like him.

and I know that
you wished it, too.

We don't compare
our children.

You compared them.

Of course, you compared
them because I heard

you and mom sometimes.

This is your guilt.

This is your way
of being able to accuse.

This is survivor's guilt, Ben.

Christopher's dead and there's
not a day goes by that I don't

wish it wasn't so, and for some
of the reasons that you might

actually be thinking right now,
that, yes, your mother

and I might have had
a different life, but he is.

And here we are
and I don't believe a

damn thing came of it.

They talk about coming to terms

with these things.

You know...

There are no...

You can get some help.

Terms.

I don't want any help, Benjamin.

I don't want consolation.

Okay.

There is no consolation.

And whatever you may be hoping
or fearing or whatever you think

might be in your head about
what we wished

or what we wish,
you're here and we are very,

very glad that you are.

I know.

Oh, there is one more thing.

What?

This is yours.

I don't believe it.

Just drive carefully, okay,
for God's sake?

With the power vested in me

by the State of California,
I now pronounce

you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Way to go, Ben!

So far, so good, as they say.

They're a handsome couple,
Barnaby.

More than handsome.

You know what I feel
about your son.

I feel he's a good man.

It doesn't hurt too much giving
our daughter to his keeping.

I take it
your own daughter is pregnant.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You know what they used
to say about

those sort of things
in the Navy, Barnaby?

There's good news and
there's bad news.

The good news is that you're
gonna be a grandfather and

the bad news is that,
from now on, you're gonna be

sleeping with a grandmother.

Oh, that's so funny, Barnaby,

funny, funny.

And have you met one
that you like yet?

I know one who I think
has reason to like me.

You know what your trouble
is, don't you?

Yes, I do.

I never work on spec.

I just don't have the balls.

I guess.

How much have
you been drinking?

Do you know-- do you know
what I really didn't like

was the fact that you
were so goddamned brave.

You know, you seem to cope with
pain so much better than me.

Really? Oh, go on.

What? Go on.

After Chris died...

After Chris died
and you gave up Hal

and came back to me
and tried to make it work,

do you know that all I could do
was hate you

because you coped so well
and I couldn't?

You were so great
with Stacy and Benjamin.

Well, I knew you hated me.

And what did I do?

I fucked Paula.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You deserve so much
better than me.

I know.

There just doesn't
seem to be anybody.

Don't think I didn't

ever love you, Barnaby,
because I did.

I do actually.

Sometimes.

Come on, Griff.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.