Co mi zrobisz, jak mnie zlapiesz (1978) - full transcript
What Will You Do When You Catch Me? is a parody of comunist times in Poland. A state-owned company director is having an afair during his delegation. Later on, his mistress turns out to be the daughter of a Communist party bigwig and pregnant. He knows he'll have to marry her to save his reputation and his job. But divorce is never simple...
WORKING BETTER MEANS WORKING WELL
Why are you yelling?
- There's someone on the ground!
- He's fainted. He needs water.
A man's fainted! Get some water, quick!
Sir, this man has fainted! Water!
Water! Water!
Water...
Beer, you idiot. Beer...
WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU CATCH ME
What? You were supposed to bring cards!
I think three would be enough to collect
the warehouse key.
- No need for the whole committee.
- Good thinking.
Bring that up with the commission.
Two would be enough, really.
One can inspect the other.
Absolutely right. Bring it up with them,
they might give you a bonus.
Here they are, sir.
The work cards, you moron!
No, leave them here since
you've brought them.
It was the same back then. I'm sure.
The phone would ring...
and ring...
Like it wanted someone to pick it up.
That cobweb was hanging there too.
When the past director was supposed
to go down, that Nalęba.
- Really?
- Almost exactly like today.
- Unbelievable.
- I'm telling you.
And the water from the bucket
spilled like this.
No way!
Autarky is not any kind of Nihil Novi
to us either.
We have decided to focus on modernity...
And it proved to be the right decision.
Which allowed us not only
to reduce import...
- What are you doing?
- But even vice versa.
Why are you taking notes?
He's going down.
See all the food?
Well, it doesn't mean anything.
My friend, I've been in this
business for 20 years.
He's got a week left at most.
You think?
I'm sure of it.
What does this mean?
Self-sufficient production provides
our economy with more securities.
The same goes for export production,
in a sense. Internal, so far.
You will find the rest of
the materials in these files.
Now, help yourself to the
traditional snacks.
Excuse me!
I'm afraid you're late.
There are some sandwiches left,
chocolate, there's a file over there.
- Have some cognac.
- Cognac... Yes, but... I...
- I'm here about something else.
- Right. So...
What is it?
I'm going to have a baby.
Yes, of course.
I'm sorry, I didn't know. Cognac.
- Any alcohol would be inadvisable.
- Yes.
Allow me, then...
To the future new member
of our community.
Community.
Yes, but, uh, the baby is...
It's yours. Sir.
I'm afraid I don't recall it.
It was in April.
Yes.
On the 15th, to be precise.
Precisely on 15th April...
- I was in Paris.
- It happened in Paris.
Director Kaczkowski?
- Krzakoski.
- That's what I said.
That thing told me it was you.
This way.
Flowers are awfully expensive here,
and women, you know.
This way.
Mrugała. Delighted to meet you.
- Krzakoski.
- Here.
Right here.
I'm glad you brought that shrub
with you.
It's been a while since we had one.
Where are we going? Chopin's grave or
the monument of that, uh, Mickiewicz?
Go to the monument. We're not
taking our guest to a cemetery.
Szymek! The camera.
You know, it's always something
to remember our work by.
Well...
I'll handle this.
Hold this for me.
See?
Can't understand a word.
Crazy country, idiotic language.
For example...
Their word for "me" is "moi".
But for him I'm not "moi", I'm "vous".
For him, he is "moi".
But for me, he is "lui".
How can anyone tell who is who?
They eat frogs.
Hey, Szymek.
What do they call frogs again?
- Grenouille.
- See? Greenville.
Greetings, my good sirs.
- So, how much for the computers?
- How much?
You name it, I might agree.
Well... 50.
50 it is!
40, then.
In that case, 60.
Give us a break. He's our countryman.
So be it, my loss.
Which ones do you want?
The lighter ones, Mr Newton.
The lighter ones.
Isaac, come inside already!
Your schnitzel awaits you!
Let it wait. Tell it I'll be there
in a moment!
The best shops in Paris are just here,
around the corner.
As far as textiles, clothes and tights
go, that's over there.
Where did he go?
No, it's just that the resemblance to
someone at my office is uncanny...
My friend, all the women at the office
resemble each other. Don't worry.
We'll show you better ones. Living ones.
Right, Szymek?
We'll take some pictures.
What pictures?
For your friends. Why should you throw
away money? Women are all the same.
I have a vernissage tomorrow.
You can pick anything you like,
for free.
There's always some better stock,
eh, Szymek?
See all the stock around here?
You go, Szymek will take some pictures.
The chocolate one over there.
See her?
You walk up to her and say...
Szymek, what does he say?
Doesn't matter, you can't
see it in the photo.
Sure. Just ask her in Polish,
let's say... What time is it?
- Szymek will take the picture.
- Off you go!
Szymek, show him.
What time is it, baby?
See? Can't understand a word.
Crazy country, idiotic language.
- Where's all the good stock?
- Relax. They'll be here.
Oh, there's one.
Not that one.
I wouldn't recommend that one.
There's a call for you.
A call? In Polish?
- In Polish.
- Okay, then.
Apologies for being so straightforward,
ma'am. I just came from Warsaw.
I've got the latest issues of Przekrój
in my hotel room. Sorry, Krzakoski.
You are... Dorotka, right?
Danusia.
Naturally. Danusia. I knew
it started with a "D". Danusia.
Jesus Christ, they killed someone!
- Officer!
- One moment.
Please, I'm in a hurry.
Excuse me?
It's true we ran this gentleman over
on the crossing, on a red light...
Yes, of course.
My deepest apologies.
Of course, you may go.
Out of the way. Move.
What's wrong?
Why are you sitting there, comrade?
You'll get hemorrhoids.
Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thank you.
Right. Wait here.
Ma'am, this way, please.
Right here.
Watch what you're doing, you dimwit!
Come on, come on. There we go.
Watch out, you'll break another one
of doctor's lamps.
Bring it here, careful. Come on.
Perfect. Keep going.
For the doctor.
Four legs and a kilo of lungs.
- I'll give it to him.
- Hold up.
I don't even know who you are.
I'll give it to him myself.
Excuse me.
- What's your name?
- Lewandowska.
You've got some meat, right?
I've got a sheet of metal.
Why don't we make us some
canned food for the winter?
Have you gone mad?
Have you gone mad?
- Do you know who she is?
- Danusia.
Danusia!
- You know her parents?
- No.
Listen, me and Danusia, we met at the...
What are you...
Her name.
Krzakoski. What...
Not yours, idiot! Hers!
You know, not everyone...
Not that one.
I wouldn't recommend that one.
Of course. My deepest apologies.
You may go.
Thank you so much.
What do you mean, marry me?
Well, marry you.
A kid's a kid. Listen...
It's a future citizen.
But we've been to the doctor.
Because I wanted to be sure that you
weren't mistaken. And you weren't.
The baby needs a mother.
- It's going to have a...
- A mother and a father.
The father is just as important as
the mother.
Even more so if the mother goes away, or
something. That's why I think...
I should marry you.
But you're married.
Married, yes.
My wife will like you very much.
I've got another one.
A riddle, really.
It goes like this: what do women and
screen doors have in common?
I don't know.
The more you bang them,
the looser they...
I'm out.
Dudała!
- Something you'd like to say, Dudała?
- Well...
- There isn't much to say.
- You think?
- How are we going with the plan?
- The plan...
- We're at 96%.
- Tell me the truth.
Well... The truth...
- 75%.
- I said the truth.
The truth...
Who can know the truth, Director?
What about the arbitration?
The truth?
Yes.
You don't have to say it.
Well...
I'm afraid we are going to
have to divorce.
Divorce?
Who?
Who do you think?
My wife, obviously.
Great idea...
Director.
Sit down.
You see, Dudała...
For a man to be able
to work effectively...
He needs peace and contentment
in his private life.
Then his performance is better.
The department benefits.
If his relationship is, let's say,
not going well...
it reflects on everything.
Planning, production, personnel.
Your wife's cheating on you, Director.
Me?
- With whom?
- I don't know yet.
But that makes the divorce quick,
and it's the wife's fault too.
Yes.
Go on.
Is engineer Kwaśniewski here?
No.
- But he'll be here today?
- He's somewhere in B3.
Foreign?
- You know the language?
- No, I'm just going through it.
That's good. A good pastime.
Maybe you'd like one?
The engineer has a lot of them.
No, no. I'll wait.
Hello?
Yes.
To the dark room?
Yes.
- Ma'am!
- Yes?
- Could you tell Kwaśniewski...
- Yes?
No, I'll tell him myself. Thank you.
Where'd she go?
- Who?
- That one.
To the, uh, to Kwaśniewski.
To the dark room.
Son of a bitch.
What a ladies' man he is! A real fox.
Get this. One time we went to Milusia,
me and him.
There was this lady and a bloke,
sitting together. He goes and the...
the technologies we're
implementing, yes. Of course.
But it's not that simple, no. They
either deliver or they don't deliver.
- Ear. Ear!
- I'm free to go, right?
- Yeah.
- Did you see that?
- What?
- The ear!
Gee, you didn't know?
He bites his girls on the ear.
I remember it all.
3rd May, Forester Day.
- You mean March.
- Maybe. Some guy...
- Which way to the station?
- Straight through there.
I wonder if he's going to make it.
Look. More and more staff,
and we don't matter any more.
Old age gets to everyone.
Enough for two years, for both of us.
More like two months.
For one of us.
Henio, anyone can talk big.
So we made a bet.
- What for?
- Nothing. Just honour.
So? So what?
Two months passed and what?
And...
But you couldn't do a militiawoman.
Wanna bet?
- On honour?
- No, 200 zlotys.
You'll be paying 200 zlotys.
I'm sorry, 200 zlotys? For what?
The information costs another 50.
I heard tickets were
abolished from today.
Well, why don't we agree that you
pay for this as the last one?
They can be abolished after that.
We can have an agreement,
but a different one.
- So he lost 200?
- 400!
- There were two of them?
- No, just one!
How come?
Just one.
Well? You're so young,
do you want to lose both legs?
Both?
Is that so funny to you?
That will be 50 zlotys.
Make that a hundred.
So I paid him the 200.
Nothing you can do.
- How foolish the young are.
- You don't believe me?
No woman can resist him. You could
make a fortune betting on him.
This is our department's ticket
for a holiday in Bulgaria, for two.
That's 16000 in a travel agency.
You're betting four. Three, even.
- On what?
- Kwaśniewski can't do it.
- Can't do who?
- That's it.
Who.
- Well?
- Let's say...
The Director's wife, Krzakoska.
Yeah?
One moment.
Goodbye.
Alright.
Let's bet. Olek's the witness. Right.
You're betting the tickets for 16 grand,
I'm betting three grand.
Tadeusz.
Tadek.
- Tadek.
- Tadeusz.
Listen, Tadek, that engineer of yours...
Kwaśniewski.
- Will he confirm all this in court?
- What? No, of course not.
But you'll have proof.
- The plaster. The plaster!
- Are you crazy? What good is that?
I need proof. Black on white.
Wait.
Maybe if you cut it along?
And the head?
Alright.
- Where did you get this carp, love?
- Oh, no.
My brother-in-law
brought it from Gdańsk.
I see.
Leaving already?
I should be there already!
- Your sandwiches!
- I don't have time!
Beatka!
- Beatka!
- Yes?
Daddy's breakfast is on the table,
bring it down here!
It's wrapped in some foil!
Daddy, Grzybczak misspelled "equality"
and the teacher said it was okay.
Just make sure you spell it right.
L'ordre régne a Varsovie.
Order reigns in Warsaw?
Yeah, almost.
Go with verified people, not outsiders.
- Are we going somewhere?
- No, I'll take my own.
Tell me, who is this photographer?
A friend from technical school.
Nothing but straight As, ended up here.
You can trust Kwaśniewski.
It's not about me. I need to have
something I can show the judge. Photos.
- Yes, but...
- I know what I'm doing.
He won't be back this evening.
He's gone to work.
To "Emilia". My husband told me
he went to "Emilia.
Right.
Thank you.
How did you find me here?
You used to be a photographer, remember?
No.
What do you mean? You were
even at my place. Two years ago.
I remember. You said you weren't there.
Did I say that? I must have been out.
You know, pressure from the higher-ups.
But now there is a chance,
and I've come to you.
I've got a job for you.
- A friend's a friend.
- You said you weren't there.
Listen, I'm here now.
Everything's ready.
Contract, gear and all.
Starting today.
No, you know, today...
You see.
- Furniture? I'll get you furniture.
- It's not for me.
Someone pays, I stand in line for them.
A man's got to be reliable.
Romek.
I've got a job for you
and I'm right here.
For me, a friend's a friend.
We all have it rough.
I'll be honest with you. See...
My wife's cheating on me.
That's life.
Hey, smartass!
- Don't be so clever! Get in line!
- What?
I'm talking to you!
Hey, shut up!
This gentleman's wife is cheating on
him, and you're screaming your head off!
- Which one? Him?
- No, the other one.
Let me talk to Zygmuś.
- Hello?
- Zygmuś?
Yes.
Listen, come to the "Emilia"
furniture shop.
Take a coat with you.
But...
What do you want me
to do there, Director?
Sign him up for a set.
Pinewood, with a cupboard.
- I'll pay you on Monday.
- Monday?
Yes. Number 97. It's
Wednesday today, right?
Saturday morning's good.
L'ordre régne a Varsovie.
Saturday?
- Keep standing there and I'll fire you.
- In my... In my place!
- I thought this was about the folder.
- That's right.
Of course. Listen.
Come here.
Sorry.
I...
Sit down.
This matter is, you know,
friend-to-friend.
I understand, but...
I'm telling you, I'm sick of talking.
It's not that we're not close any more,
that she's...
You know... How she...
She's lying to me. She is.
The worst part is, I have to keep
smiling all the time.
I have to pretend that nothing's wrong,
everything is fine...
I can't take all the lies anymore.
- Come on. You're a man!
- I'm telling you.
There are times when I just want to cry.
Come on!
Please.
Will you help me?
You know, it's...
I mean, I can try.
Now, Basia.
Basia, I need a work card for
Mr Roman Ferde here. Group three.
Overdue payments for three months.
Refunds for sugar coupons
starting from January.
Unlimited working time.
And access to the cameras.
They're yours.
"The smile of our child - the prize
for the teacher's hard work."
What's up?
What's up, eh?
It's plain and simple.
The lamps are evenly spread.
It has to be shorter.
Sure.
I say we cut out "our".
If there's a child, it has to be
someone's, right?
Not always. My friend is a redhead,
his wife too, and their kid's black.
The hair doesn't matter.
But it's his face! Black, like
straight out of the Courier!
Sir! There is... There used to be
3rd May Street 5 here.
Leave me alone! I don't know anything!
What hasn't been here?
Paris, London, everything.
Hamburg, New York, Melbourne.
See that balcony? They threw down
a kangaroo from there.
Yes, but...
It's like that every week.
Every week Mr Fetting
kills Mrs Koczewska...
And Mr Chamiec finds out
on Thursday, on the TV.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing my mind!
- Is this yours? It was on the floor.
- Yes, it's mine.
Great job.
Here... Two for you.
- Should I give them to her?
- No, no. Come on.
Boss, can I talk to you?
One moment.
What's going on? We're going to
starve to death out here.
You want to ruin us?
What do you want me to do?
An inspection is an inspection.
What are they inspecting?
If all the brick is here,
if nothing else has been stolen.
- It's all stolen already, what's left?
- Tell me about it.
I've checked most of it, boss.
Good. Take the thinner one,
its more precise.
There's a brick!
Write it down. One brick.
What is this?
Stealing brick, are we? Get it off!
Hey, smartass. There's a line.
You wanna lose some teeth?
- You should have moved faster.
- Okay.
- Well?
- Well, what?
How about now?
You got a tan on your holiday!
It's the same all over. I can show you.
In three minutes, then.
You have to admit, work is
going ahead smoothly!
Indeed it is, like clockwork!
Holy shit, he hit it hard.
- Write down his plate numbers!
- Shush. Keep holding it.
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
You see how much he bent it?
Boss, I think we're going to have to
sew that "our" back in.
You're doing that.
Yeah.
A Chinese baby and a Japanese baby
are basically identical.
The only difference is the name.
Chinese, Japanese.
Except when it's a Chinese boy
and a Japanese girl.
Then it's the sex too.
Just like humans.
Gentlemen!
Three minutes.
Here's the thing.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good too.
I think that's his leg.
- Something's in the way here.
- A pot plant, I think.
Yeah, I think they have one there.
Hey.
This is my flat.
- The couch's mine too.
- So is the wife, sadly.
You think I'd marry that sack of lard?
Maybe she got fat after the wedding?
What is this?
- You told me the address, a blonde...
- It's the servant!
- That's great!
- You... You don't have anything else?
What for?
I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna lose it!
I'm going to lose it.
Dudała, Listen, Tadzio.
- Kwaśniewski has to come again, today.
- No way.
- Good morning.
- With me. Come on.
Come on in.
Listen, Tadek...
You have to get Kwaśniewski
to come one more time. Today.
He's left. He's out of the country.
We'll telegram him.
Or call him. Tell him to come back
for one day.
- What, from Korea?
- Why's he gone to Korea?
Well... We signed a deal.
- We?
- Yeah, we.
They brought that bottle of snake wine.
Right. We did.
Turns out we shouldn't have.
It was an economic lapse of judgement.
Director?
Dire...
Director, there's someone to see you.
What are you doing here?
Go to the lounge.
It's done. They're ready, Director.
See, Dudała? I mean, Tadzio.
You see things like this.
You need to have a broader perspective.
For you there's only one Kwaśniewski,
while in fact nobody is irreplaceable.
Kwaśniewski is a ladies' man? Sure.
But Kwaśniewski isn't here,
and you start losing your head. And me?
I say: there are other ladies' men.
How do I find them?
Watch and learn.
- Do you pay child support?
- Yes, we do, sir!
Then keep paying it.
A calendar? Where did you get it?
- Some director's giving them out.
- What year?
Last year.
Director! Director!
Could I get a calendar too?
Thank you so much.
I have been waiting the whole month.
Have a seat. One second.
- A month, you say?
- Yeah.
Wrong. Not a month, but 37 days.
So even longer!
So you weren't telling the truth.
37 days.
Well...
Since you've waited so long,
you can wait a day longer.
You want me to wait a day longer?
That man just...
Hold on, sit down.
You're my guest. I'm talking now.
That gentleman's car was
brought in this morning.
Eight hours ago.
For him one more day of waiting
is 300% more time.
- But...
- Am I right?
- You are.
- I am.
For you, who has waited 37 days,
one day more would be, uh...
Well, my friend...
No matter how you count it.
No matter how you count it, for you
one day is less than 3.
Exactly 2.702.
We can just about afford to lose 2.7.
But to lose 300% time? No, sir, no way!
We have to be diligent with time!
Thank you and goodbye.
We'll send the bill to you.
The accountant'll make a transfer.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Give your Tadzio a kiss, old chap!
- Everything is really, really.
- Get in, I'll give you a ride.
- Should I wait here?
- No, I'll go with the Director!
- I live not far from here.
- Your ID.
I've got it here somewhere.
It has a photo, even.
Relax.
Saint Theresa!
- My wife?
- Yes. Your wife, with him.
- At least tell me who he is.
- I can't.
Believe me, I can't. I can only tell you
she will absolutely... 100%, trust me.
But... I'd really rather know.
I can't. If I could, I'd give you
my heart on a platter, old chap.
Really, that's the deal. See you.
The only thing I can tell you,
even though I shouldn't...
His initials: R.F.
R...
F.
R. So the name starts with R?
I don't know! I don't know.
Why did you stop on the crossing?
Show me your driving licence.
And you, get those stripes out of there.
I have very good connections, you know.
I get up at 2:45 in the morning.
In the summer it's already bright.
At 2:45 I'm already shaved.
I shave in the evenings.
I have my breakfast instead of supper.
I simply get up and go.
- You still have to get dressed.
- A coat, if it's raining.
Why would I get undressed
after breakfast?
Right.
Five kilometres to the bus stop.
The bus leaves at 3:45.
Do you make it?
No.
But I still have it good, because
it's always full and it doesn't stop.
Then I go to the dairy.
That's another hour.
They take me...
to Szymanów.
You know, milk has to be transported
quickly or it goes bad.
I get out in Szymanów, take
the jugs out and catch a train.
Another one in Ochota, to the stadium.
From there it's smooth sailing.
Line 119, over to 13, over to 345
and I'm home free.
I mean, at work.
And it's 6:45, so I still have
15 minutes.
I have dinner at the canteen.
So when I'm done I don't have to stay
and eat, I go straight home.
I'm back at 10:50 p.m. tops.
I shave, I have breakfast
and I go to bed.
Tailors are to deliver more gimp
for hanging posters.
Gentlemen, come with me.
Just for a moment.
- I'm still behind you.
- I'm in front of you, okay?
Stand here together.
Good.
Look left, please.
Now look right.
- Arm up.
- Me?
Yes. Up.
Right again.
Thank you. Good. Thank you very much.
I wonder when they're going to
open these tills.
Let them worry about that.
This was my spot.
Thank you.
Attention, please.
We hereby inform you that due
to the railway poster exhibition
"Travel by railway saves time",
the station will be closed
until further notice.
We wish all our clients
a pleasant journey.
The flat number 107
for Pol-Pim is ready for you.
An interesting initiative was put
forward by our Useful Arts Workshop.
- An exhibit was organised...
- Look now.
...aptly named "Travel by railway
saves time".
As we can see, it was met with
enthusiasm of the gathered crowds.
A comment from the organiser,
Anna Krzakowska.
That's my wife.
...the full statement "Travel by railway
makes travel by train shorter.".
- She's slim.
- In an advanced society...
- Some things can be left unsaid.
- Right there. See?
We can use an adequate shorthand.
In appreciation of the educational
benefits of such initiatives,
the station will remain closed
for the next month.
Another bullseye hit by the cooperating
railwaymen and artists.
- Did you see that?
- I did.
Good.
Maciek? It's me.
I wanted to thank you for the exhibition
and the coverage.
On TV.
It helped me a great deal, you know.
Yeah.
Bye.
Listen, could I stay here
for a bit longer?
Alright.
...in the pre-war reality, characterised
by a general state of regress
both economical and sociopolitical
with an effect on the
substantive principles as well as
the backward Sanation infrastructure...
The general balance of protein was
particularly indolent and thoughtless.
As it is known, this balance is
responsible for the competence...
of those responsible for
the economy of any society
and is the most palpable proof of...
You spying on your own missus?
No, my friend's.
I wouldn't go near that kind of friend.
Ordering someone to spy on his missus.
Delusional.
What do you mean?
This one guy came to me once.
Crow was his name. Paid me one grand
to spy on his missus.
- For a month?
- What are you, stupid?
A day.
He says, if you catch her,
call me right away.
I was trying to catch her
red-handed for a week.
- She cheated on him?
- Yeah.
Like a bitch in heat. You know with who?
With Crow.
- A bitch with a crow?
- Yeah.
It's been known to happen.
A bitch with a crow...
Maybe I got it wrong.
I'll tell you about the next one.
She started disappearing from the house.
A bag, 12 sandwiches and off she goes.
Watch out, for Pete's sake!
So he asks: where are you going?
She blushes...
And says nothing.
So he waits a day, two, a week.
Then he followed her.
She goes to the station
gets on a train.
He jumps on too, another wagon.
She gets off, he gets off too.
She hops in the bushes
and strips her clothes.
Now that's just sad. Completely naked?
Stark naked. Then she
puts on a tracksuit...
and off into the forest. Four hours.
He follows her. She eats the sandwiches
and goes on for another five hours.
What for?
They chose her for a relay-race in the
Spartakiad. She didn't want to tell him.
- So it was a happy ending.
- Happy?
My friend! The guy gave up
the ghost the next day.
Figures! Nine hours of running around
the woods, no food, no nothing!
There she is.
That one? You're wasting your time.
You think?
Sure. She wouldn't cheat.
She's too young for that.
- Too young?
- That's right.
Women start having affairs after 60,
when it's already too late.
They're delusional!
You think she's too young?
I only have one dream.
To drive a taxi in New York.
It's so crowded there.
In America? Not just that.
There's social inequality, trust funds,
cartels, and money is all-powerful.
But when someone's chasing
someone in a car, they're going so fast
the only thing you can see is dust.
American dust. And here?
Slow down, Bernaś, you're gonna fly!
No way. Double or triple fare,
I'm not going.
The car's overheating,
my head's splitting in half.
- What was that?
- My nerves can't take this.
Sister, check the dressing
and the tools.
- It's all here.
- The dressing, please.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen!
The Kutno team has finished!
The surgery is finished.
The Gorzów team is still going.
What does the jury say?
Nine points for the surgical team
from Kutno! Eight points for Gorzów!
That random patient thing is a sham.
I knew we'd lose with the fatass we got.
They were already operating by the time
I got through the adipose tissue.
Yes. Yes.
That's good. It shows that you're strong
and unafraid of rumours.
They're all saying the Director is out.
He doesn't care, he's off to Hungary
to oversee assembly personally.
It's an opportunity for her too.
Once you're in Hungary, old chap,
she's going to go bonkers.
Why not a taxi?
- What do you mean, bonkers?
- You know, in the meantime... Listen.
- Meanwhile, we're ready for it. Snap!
- What do you mean he threw you out?
Do you have the plate numbers?
Let's assume you stay here.
Even if you catch them, so what?
You're at the door, she's in bed,
he's in the wardrobe.
It reeks of a pre-war...
A Sanation romance.
Think about it this way.
While the husband...
is in a fraternal country, personally
overseeing assembly...
working nights, losing sleep...
- I understand.
- His wife is losing sleep too.
Sadly, in a completely different manner.
How does that sound?
Falcon Sports Club?
- With the chairman, please.
- Look, look.
- Wacek?
- Listen...
Catch up, catch up!
Don't lag behind! Keep going!
Harder! Harder!
- Maciek!
- What?
- I need one right away!
- A cyclist?
- No, your best bike!
- I can't!
- Chairman's orders!
- Alright, alright!
Go, go, go!
Stolarczyk, pull over! To the left!
Stolarczyk, pull over!
Go, go!
Give me the bike.
Load it!
- Go!
- Okay, bye!
Go.
Coach! Coach!
Wait!
Wait, wait!
HEALTH CARE SAYS "NO"
TO SOCIAL MARGINALITY
A question for the Zabrze team.
By what percentage has the amount
of hospital beds increased lately?
7218 hours.
Yes, but that's the answer to
question 3, which I haven't read out.
How many hours has the health service
worked pro bono?
I hope the jury will accept
the answer in advance, yes?
Yes, the jury accepts.
Everyone has a dream in life.
Something they desire, think about,
like, wish to see or hear again.
Mrs Walentyna has been a nurse for many,
many years. What would you like to hear?
Mr Kor... Mr Koracz's song about
health is what I want to hear most.
As it happens, Mr Koracz
is here with us!
Hello Gents, let me tell you a thing
Or I'd rather sing
Health is most important, agree
You know what I mean...
I'm 8000 short.
It's such a steal, a coat like that.
Original, Afghan.
Who's got it?
Some Turkish guy.
The grocery shop manager
told me about him.
Listen, come to me this evening.
I'll see what I can do. Bye.
Bye, bye...
- Bye, love.
- Bye.
Are you last in the line?
- I am.
- I'll be behind you.
- Sir, you can't smoke here.
- I'm not breathing it in.
I can't give you the money. You look
nothing like the photo in your ID.
Because it's my brother-in-law's ID.
- Not even 500 zlotys?
- I can give you 200.
- Do you want it?
- Okay.
It's me.
Look, there's something. Two things.
I talked about all this with
two, let's say, experts.
They're delusional. All of them.
Yours too.
What? Experts? What are you
talking about? What did they say?
You know, apparently
they don't, like, at all...
The facts seem to confirm that opinion.
Did you catch her?
No. It's just a hypothesis.
I think you'll be happy,
just give me a couple of days.
Oh, and listen. The bike's killing me.
I'm too slow, the bike's too fast.
I'm sorry, could you turn
that radio down?
No, but I can turn it up.
Thank you.
- I'm here.
- I see that.
Wait here.
You know, when you called me
I didn't feel like it, and then...
I'm here.
Well, I really appreciate that.
Where are you flying to, anyway?
Assembly.
You know.
Personal supervision.
To the People's Republic of Hungary.
Would you do anything for me?
- Of course, darling.
- Then do that pose.
Eight, nine, ten...
11, 12, 13, 14, 15.
Thank you.
Hey! Either you work or you eat!
CLOSED
What's up?
Some planks need to be
moved to Żyrardów.
I'm free at 7.
- There'll be only ash left at 7. Now.
- Now, now.
- What, is there a fire?
- Not yet.
At 7, there probably will be.
Yeah, but what can I do?
I'm full to the brim.
Dump it here for a couple of hours.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, there's a line!
We're all waiting here.
I'm not here for that!
- Where's the manager?
- I don't know.
There's a line!
I'm not blind.
Apparently you're deaf!
I tell you there's a line,
and you just waltz in.
I'm talking to you!
- What are you patting me for?
- You weren't standing here!
Get on line 125, go to Castle Square.
There's a column of Sigismund III there.
You go and tell him
"You weren't standing here".
- Here's your line 125, asshat.
- You bastard.
That'll teach you to bother
decent folks!
Stop that!
- What's wrong with you?
- Get your hands off me!
Look what they've done!
And here, too!
Sławek!
Sławek!
THESE CUSTOMERS ARE BANNED
- What's up?
- Quick, quick!
Okay.
One moment. Excuse me. Sławek!
One... good.
Sławek... One... good.
Get them up on the display.
Hey!
If you feel like it, take that 125
and shove it!
Up your ass!
So where's this 125, Comrade?
- 124, officer.
- ID, please.
Wiesia! Can you pass me one chicken?
One second.
I know who that Turk is, ma'am. He's...
- He would be...
- Pardon me.
Are you the manager here?
The cleaning lady just handed
me a chicken with a dirty rag.
I'm the manager.
- First of all, you snatched it from me!
- As corpus delicti.
He snatched the cloth from me!
My work tool!
Sir, he was going to steal that chicken!
Why else would he snatch it? Thief!
And a drunk! All drunks are thieves!
See for yourself. Is this acceptable?
Calm down, Kazio.
The rag was dirty, sir.
That's what rags are for.
- Basic principles of hygiene...
- Sir.
Basic principles of hygiene say
you should knock before entering.
And you didn't knock.
With a dirty rag.
- I won't buy anything here again.
- Kazio, wait. Sir...
He goes to war with every shop.
We live in Służewiec.
We're at war with every shop
all the way to Żoliborz.
Your shop is the last one.
We'll have to go to Bielany...
I'd rather go to Bydgoszcz
than buy here.
Go on, put me on that display of yours!
We decide who gets to be
on that display of ours.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
How about now?
Sławek! Sławek!
Next time think twice before you voice
your opinions about our commerce.
Name?
Name!
Your name!
I'm trying to decide.
Kazio, you're illogical.
You demand things
they know nothing about.
They can kiss my ass, darling.
They know plenty about that.
Over here, please.
Me?
I'm telling you.
Last week I left my car in
a guarded parking lot.
They stole my wipers and one wheel.
Now I go to buy some margarine,
and they put up a dam.
Bunch of twerps.
- The press should be told about this.
- Sure. I'm all over it.
I don't know about any of that.
I drive a car, same as you do.
I've never had anything stolen!
And I'm always at time!
- On time.
- Exactly, you're at time too.
Ass-ig-na-tion.
This is Director Kołodziej.
Stefan? Wisiorny here. Hey, have you
got any winches on site?
I've got one.
Send it over to me for an hour, eh?
No, I can't. We're expecting
a surprise inspection.
- I have to keep the work going.
- Have a rally for the crew.
About Lebanon.
What's the big deal?
To the Central Station.
We need prefabrications to build
new houses for the people.
Reality poses problems...
and we must solve them.
Ready? Good.
- Up!
- Go, go, go!
Don't be afraid! Lift it up!
It's a cabriolet.
Participants of the Amity excursion
are asked to board the bus.
Faster!
Excuse me, is Mr Mustafa in his room?
He is not present, in a strict sense.
Where is he?
He ordered a wake-up call in two hours.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Please...
Please...
Excuse me. I believe you have
ordered a beer.
I'm very sorry, but your suspicions
are entirely baseless.
I do not trade in anything.
This lady came here with the coat
and is leaving with it.
Hello. I'm here about a coat.
I'm sorry, but your suspicions
are entirely baseless.
I do not trade in anything. This lady
came here with the coat.
33, 34, 35...
36, 37, 38...
39, 40.
42, 43, 44...
I'm going to Nasielsk.
45, 46, 47...
- What's the problem?
- I'm about to tell you.
Can you show me that swim ring?
Inflatable, recreational product.
- ID!
- What ID?
Swimming 15 metres from the shore
is allowed for anyone.
I suggest you read the Minister's
decree in the Monitor, 27th December.
Issue 1789.
And you'll sneak in
while I'm reading? ID!
Here.
You can go ahead.
Ma'am, is there a fitness course
or a running track nearby?
Go ask the manager.
Karolka!
Come round the back of the laundry!
Come in.
You're...
You needn't have bothered.
I have a spare one.
Excuse me.
I want... telephone... Warsaw.
What?
No Warsaw.
What, did they tear it down?
Are we just going to stay silent?
Why don't you say something?
I'm just wondering...
It all turned out so unexpectedly.
How did you think
it was going to turn out?
You followed me for so long.
You did.
All day long.
How can you be so shy?
Women like being adored.
Karolka! Get your ass back here,
12 isn't finished yet!
Quit fooling around with that midget!
Get back here or I'm
telling your parents!
If he were a decent man,
but he's a little short-ass.
And a womaniser.
I tell you, just yesterday he was
having a go at the cook.
She was making dumplings at the time.
And that sodding short-ass just
comes up from behind.
Short-ass?
Third World, you know?
Get it? Third World.
That's a sensible vision, brother.
Take an African.
Give him two lighters.
Even a tape recorder.
Two tape recorders.
You write excellent plays
here in Hungary.
He grabs her and...
He's got peace and quiet. No divorce.
I see. So it's you.
No. It's not me.
My name is Fijałkowski.
I am a lawyer.
I'm in charge of your wife's
divorce case.
- What do you mean, flat and car?
- You misheard. The savings account too.
- Which account?
- Both of them.
I can give you a lift.
You can't prove that!
I hope you won't force me to.
To bring it up in court, the cynical
abuse of one's position...
Where's the evidence?
Does the name Kwaśniewski
mean anything to you?
You don't mess around, do you?
Call me tomorrow at noon.
We'll talk in the morning.
And it's you who's going to call me.
Here you are.
Look, there he goes.
He's got even fatter.
Quiet. I can see.
His belt's barely long enough.
He's already huffing and puffing.
He's going to huff when
he sees his office.
How much sausage? 150, 200 grams?
No way it's 200.
Look, the scales start at 50.
Sir, I got up at 5, I missed
three trams and you're...
What do I care? I got up at 4 and
I missed six trams.
One of them...
- No, none of that.
- What's going on here?
He pushed his way in and now
he's making a fuss.
Thank you very much, I want none of it.
Maybe someone else does. Look, folks!
No, no. Do I have to eat it?
I'll have something to drink.
Dudała!
Dudała!
Tadek!
No! Really, we're so very grateful.
Oh, you haven't met yet. My wife.
We must have dinner together sometime.
Maybe next month?
So little time.
- Director, when do you want the car?
- 3:00 p.m.
What in the name of all that's holy...
Changes, changes, changes.
This friend of mine, he got to know her
when he was following her.
Turns out she was completely different
than the husband had told him.
The husband, he was just jealous.
Sick with envy, like Othello.
- You seen Othello?
- Where?
Okay, you haven't.
How do you know?
Turns out she was unhappy in her
marriage. She needed warmth, trust...
You know?
She's divorcing him.
He was too primitive.
This friend of mine, he sees it all.
He's a bright guy. He loves her.
That's what she deserves, the girl.
But, you know, he's got a wife and
two kids too, that guy.
So he's not sure either.
Tell me.
What would you do in my place?
Stop! Stop!
Just you wait, when I catch you...
What will you do when you catch me?
Dad, did you hear that?
Son, on Saint John's Eve
the fern flower blooms.
Normally ferns don't have flowers,
but spores.
Cows, horses, pigs speak
in human tongue.
- No, that's on Christmas Eve.
- That's when the Catholic ones speak.
Why are you yelling?
- There's someone on the ground!
- He's fainted. He needs water.
A man's fainted! Get some water, quick!
Sir, this man has fainted! Water!
Water! Water!
Water...
Beer, you idiot. Beer...
WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU CATCH ME
What? You were supposed to bring cards!
I think three would be enough to collect
the warehouse key.
- No need for the whole committee.
- Good thinking.
Bring that up with the commission.
Two would be enough, really.
One can inspect the other.
Absolutely right. Bring it up with them,
they might give you a bonus.
Here they are, sir.
The work cards, you moron!
No, leave them here since
you've brought them.
It was the same back then. I'm sure.
The phone would ring...
and ring...
Like it wanted someone to pick it up.
That cobweb was hanging there too.
When the past director was supposed
to go down, that Nalęba.
- Really?
- Almost exactly like today.
- Unbelievable.
- I'm telling you.
And the water from the bucket
spilled like this.
No way!
Autarky is not any kind of Nihil Novi
to us either.
We have decided to focus on modernity...
And it proved to be the right decision.
Which allowed us not only
to reduce import...
- What are you doing?
- But even vice versa.
Why are you taking notes?
He's going down.
See all the food?
Well, it doesn't mean anything.
My friend, I've been in this
business for 20 years.
He's got a week left at most.
You think?
I'm sure of it.
What does this mean?
Self-sufficient production provides
our economy with more securities.
The same goes for export production,
in a sense. Internal, so far.
You will find the rest of
the materials in these files.
Now, help yourself to the
traditional snacks.
Excuse me!
I'm afraid you're late.
There are some sandwiches left,
chocolate, there's a file over there.
- Have some cognac.
- Cognac... Yes, but... I...
- I'm here about something else.
- Right. So...
What is it?
I'm going to have a baby.
Yes, of course.
I'm sorry, I didn't know. Cognac.
- Any alcohol would be inadvisable.
- Yes.
Allow me, then...
To the future new member
of our community.
Community.
Yes, but, uh, the baby is...
It's yours. Sir.
I'm afraid I don't recall it.
It was in April.
Yes.
On the 15th, to be precise.
Precisely on 15th April...
- I was in Paris.
- It happened in Paris.
Director Kaczkowski?
- Krzakoski.
- That's what I said.
That thing told me it was you.
This way.
Flowers are awfully expensive here,
and women, you know.
This way.
Mrugała. Delighted to meet you.
- Krzakoski.
- Here.
Right here.
I'm glad you brought that shrub
with you.
It's been a while since we had one.
Where are we going? Chopin's grave or
the monument of that, uh, Mickiewicz?
Go to the monument. We're not
taking our guest to a cemetery.
Szymek! The camera.
You know, it's always something
to remember our work by.
Well...
I'll handle this.
Hold this for me.
See?
Can't understand a word.
Crazy country, idiotic language.
For example...
Their word for "me" is "moi".
But for him I'm not "moi", I'm "vous".
For him, he is "moi".
But for me, he is "lui".
How can anyone tell who is who?
They eat frogs.
Hey, Szymek.
What do they call frogs again?
- Grenouille.
- See? Greenville.
Greetings, my good sirs.
- So, how much for the computers?
- How much?
You name it, I might agree.
Well... 50.
50 it is!
40, then.
In that case, 60.
Give us a break. He's our countryman.
So be it, my loss.
Which ones do you want?
The lighter ones, Mr Newton.
The lighter ones.
Isaac, come inside already!
Your schnitzel awaits you!
Let it wait. Tell it I'll be there
in a moment!
The best shops in Paris are just here,
around the corner.
As far as textiles, clothes and tights
go, that's over there.
Where did he go?
No, it's just that the resemblance to
someone at my office is uncanny...
My friend, all the women at the office
resemble each other. Don't worry.
We'll show you better ones. Living ones.
Right, Szymek?
We'll take some pictures.
What pictures?
For your friends. Why should you throw
away money? Women are all the same.
I have a vernissage tomorrow.
You can pick anything you like,
for free.
There's always some better stock,
eh, Szymek?
See all the stock around here?
You go, Szymek will take some pictures.
The chocolate one over there.
See her?
You walk up to her and say...
Szymek, what does he say?
Doesn't matter, you can't
see it in the photo.
Sure. Just ask her in Polish,
let's say... What time is it?
- Szymek will take the picture.
- Off you go!
Szymek, show him.
What time is it, baby?
See? Can't understand a word.
Crazy country, idiotic language.
- Where's all the good stock?
- Relax. They'll be here.
Oh, there's one.
Not that one.
I wouldn't recommend that one.
There's a call for you.
A call? In Polish?
- In Polish.
- Okay, then.
Apologies for being so straightforward,
ma'am. I just came from Warsaw.
I've got the latest issues of Przekrój
in my hotel room. Sorry, Krzakoski.
You are... Dorotka, right?
Danusia.
Naturally. Danusia. I knew
it started with a "D". Danusia.
Jesus Christ, they killed someone!
- Officer!
- One moment.
Please, I'm in a hurry.
Excuse me?
It's true we ran this gentleman over
on the crossing, on a red light...
Yes, of course.
My deepest apologies.
Of course, you may go.
Out of the way. Move.
What's wrong?
Why are you sitting there, comrade?
You'll get hemorrhoids.
Come in.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thank you.
Right. Wait here.
Ma'am, this way, please.
Right here.
Watch what you're doing, you dimwit!
Come on, come on. There we go.
Watch out, you'll break another one
of doctor's lamps.
Bring it here, careful. Come on.
Perfect. Keep going.
For the doctor.
Four legs and a kilo of lungs.
- I'll give it to him.
- Hold up.
I don't even know who you are.
I'll give it to him myself.
Excuse me.
- What's your name?
- Lewandowska.
You've got some meat, right?
I've got a sheet of metal.
Why don't we make us some
canned food for the winter?
Have you gone mad?
Have you gone mad?
- Do you know who she is?
- Danusia.
Danusia!
- You know her parents?
- No.
Listen, me and Danusia, we met at the...
What are you...
Her name.
Krzakoski. What...
Not yours, idiot! Hers!
You know, not everyone...
Not that one.
I wouldn't recommend that one.
Of course. My deepest apologies.
You may go.
Thank you so much.
What do you mean, marry me?
Well, marry you.
A kid's a kid. Listen...
It's a future citizen.
But we've been to the doctor.
Because I wanted to be sure that you
weren't mistaken. And you weren't.
The baby needs a mother.
- It's going to have a...
- A mother and a father.
The father is just as important as
the mother.
Even more so if the mother goes away, or
something. That's why I think...
I should marry you.
But you're married.
Married, yes.
My wife will like you very much.
I've got another one.
A riddle, really.
It goes like this: what do women and
screen doors have in common?
I don't know.
The more you bang them,
the looser they...
I'm out.
Dudała!
- Something you'd like to say, Dudała?
- Well...
- There isn't much to say.
- You think?
- How are we going with the plan?
- The plan...
- We're at 96%.
- Tell me the truth.
Well... The truth...
- 75%.
- I said the truth.
The truth...
Who can know the truth, Director?
What about the arbitration?
The truth?
Yes.
You don't have to say it.
Well...
I'm afraid we are going to
have to divorce.
Divorce?
Who?
Who do you think?
My wife, obviously.
Great idea...
Director.
Sit down.
You see, Dudała...
For a man to be able
to work effectively...
He needs peace and contentment
in his private life.
Then his performance is better.
The department benefits.
If his relationship is, let's say,
not going well...
it reflects on everything.
Planning, production, personnel.
Your wife's cheating on you, Director.
Me?
- With whom?
- I don't know yet.
But that makes the divorce quick,
and it's the wife's fault too.
Yes.
Go on.
Is engineer Kwaśniewski here?
No.
- But he'll be here today?
- He's somewhere in B3.
Foreign?
- You know the language?
- No, I'm just going through it.
That's good. A good pastime.
Maybe you'd like one?
The engineer has a lot of them.
No, no. I'll wait.
Hello?
Yes.
To the dark room?
Yes.
- Ma'am!
- Yes?
- Could you tell Kwaśniewski...
- Yes?
No, I'll tell him myself. Thank you.
Where'd she go?
- Who?
- That one.
To the, uh, to Kwaśniewski.
To the dark room.
Son of a bitch.
What a ladies' man he is! A real fox.
Get this. One time we went to Milusia,
me and him.
There was this lady and a bloke,
sitting together. He goes and the...
the technologies we're
implementing, yes. Of course.
But it's not that simple, no. They
either deliver or they don't deliver.
- Ear. Ear!
- I'm free to go, right?
- Yeah.
- Did you see that?
- What?
- The ear!
Gee, you didn't know?
He bites his girls on the ear.
I remember it all.
3rd May, Forester Day.
- You mean March.
- Maybe. Some guy...
- Which way to the station?
- Straight through there.
I wonder if he's going to make it.
Look. More and more staff,
and we don't matter any more.
Old age gets to everyone.
Enough for two years, for both of us.
More like two months.
For one of us.
Henio, anyone can talk big.
So we made a bet.
- What for?
- Nothing. Just honour.
So? So what?
Two months passed and what?
And...
But you couldn't do a militiawoman.
Wanna bet?
- On honour?
- No, 200 zlotys.
You'll be paying 200 zlotys.
I'm sorry, 200 zlotys? For what?
The information costs another 50.
I heard tickets were
abolished from today.
Well, why don't we agree that you
pay for this as the last one?
They can be abolished after that.
We can have an agreement,
but a different one.
- So he lost 200?
- 400!
- There were two of them?
- No, just one!
How come?
Just one.
Well? You're so young,
do you want to lose both legs?
Both?
Is that so funny to you?
That will be 50 zlotys.
Make that a hundred.
So I paid him the 200.
Nothing you can do.
- How foolish the young are.
- You don't believe me?
No woman can resist him. You could
make a fortune betting on him.
This is our department's ticket
for a holiday in Bulgaria, for two.
That's 16000 in a travel agency.
You're betting four. Three, even.
- On what?
- Kwaśniewski can't do it.
- Can't do who?
- That's it.
Who.
- Well?
- Let's say...
The Director's wife, Krzakoska.
Yeah?
One moment.
Goodbye.
Alright.
Let's bet. Olek's the witness. Right.
You're betting the tickets for 16 grand,
I'm betting three grand.
Tadeusz.
Tadek.
- Tadek.
- Tadeusz.
Listen, Tadek, that engineer of yours...
Kwaśniewski.
- Will he confirm all this in court?
- What? No, of course not.
But you'll have proof.
- The plaster. The plaster!
- Are you crazy? What good is that?
I need proof. Black on white.
Wait.
Maybe if you cut it along?
And the head?
Alright.
- Where did you get this carp, love?
- Oh, no.
My brother-in-law
brought it from Gdańsk.
I see.
Leaving already?
I should be there already!
- Your sandwiches!
- I don't have time!
Beatka!
- Beatka!
- Yes?
Daddy's breakfast is on the table,
bring it down here!
It's wrapped in some foil!
Daddy, Grzybczak misspelled "equality"
and the teacher said it was okay.
Just make sure you spell it right.
L'ordre régne a Varsovie.
Order reigns in Warsaw?
Yeah, almost.
Go with verified people, not outsiders.
- Are we going somewhere?
- No, I'll take my own.
Tell me, who is this photographer?
A friend from technical school.
Nothing but straight As, ended up here.
You can trust Kwaśniewski.
It's not about me. I need to have
something I can show the judge. Photos.
- Yes, but...
- I know what I'm doing.
He won't be back this evening.
He's gone to work.
To "Emilia". My husband told me
he went to "Emilia.
Right.
Thank you.
How did you find me here?
You used to be a photographer, remember?
No.
What do you mean? You were
even at my place. Two years ago.
I remember. You said you weren't there.
Did I say that? I must have been out.
You know, pressure from the higher-ups.
But now there is a chance,
and I've come to you.
I've got a job for you.
- A friend's a friend.
- You said you weren't there.
Listen, I'm here now.
Everything's ready.
Contract, gear and all.
Starting today.
No, you know, today...
You see.
- Furniture? I'll get you furniture.
- It's not for me.
Someone pays, I stand in line for them.
A man's got to be reliable.
Romek.
I've got a job for you
and I'm right here.
For me, a friend's a friend.
We all have it rough.
I'll be honest with you. See...
My wife's cheating on me.
That's life.
Hey, smartass!
- Don't be so clever! Get in line!
- What?
I'm talking to you!
Hey, shut up!
This gentleman's wife is cheating on
him, and you're screaming your head off!
- Which one? Him?
- No, the other one.
Let me talk to Zygmuś.
- Hello?
- Zygmuś?
Yes.
Listen, come to the "Emilia"
furniture shop.
Take a coat with you.
But...
What do you want me
to do there, Director?
Sign him up for a set.
Pinewood, with a cupboard.
- I'll pay you on Monday.
- Monday?
Yes. Number 97. It's
Wednesday today, right?
Saturday morning's good.
L'ordre régne a Varsovie.
Saturday?
- Keep standing there and I'll fire you.
- In my... In my place!
- I thought this was about the folder.
- That's right.
Of course. Listen.
Come here.
Sorry.
I...
Sit down.
This matter is, you know,
friend-to-friend.
I understand, but...
I'm telling you, I'm sick of talking.
It's not that we're not close any more,
that she's...
You know... How she...
She's lying to me. She is.
The worst part is, I have to keep
smiling all the time.
I have to pretend that nothing's wrong,
everything is fine...
I can't take all the lies anymore.
- Come on. You're a man!
- I'm telling you.
There are times when I just want to cry.
Come on!
Please.
Will you help me?
You know, it's...
I mean, I can try.
Now, Basia.
Basia, I need a work card for
Mr Roman Ferde here. Group three.
Overdue payments for three months.
Refunds for sugar coupons
starting from January.
Unlimited working time.
And access to the cameras.
They're yours.
"The smile of our child - the prize
for the teacher's hard work."
What's up?
What's up, eh?
It's plain and simple.
The lamps are evenly spread.
It has to be shorter.
Sure.
I say we cut out "our".
If there's a child, it has to be
someone's, right?
Not always. My friend is a redhead,
his wife too, and their kid's black.
The hair doesn't matter.
But it's his face! Black, like
straight out of the Courier!
Sir! There is... There used to be
3rd May Street 5 here.
Leave me alone! I don't know anything!
What hasn't been here?
Paris, London, everything.
Hamburg, New York, Melbourne.
See that balcony? They threw down
a kangaroo from there.
Yes, but...
It's like that every week.
Every week Mr Fetting
kills Mrs Koczewska...
And Mr Chamiec finds out
on Thursday, on the TV.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing my mind!
- Is this yours? It was on the floor.
- Yes, it's mine.
Great job.
Here... Two for you.
- Should I give them to her?
- No, no. Come on.
Boss, can I talk to you?
One moment.
What's going on? We're going to
starve to death out here.
You want to ruin us?
What do you want me to do?
An inspection is an inspection.
What are they inspecting?
If all the brick is here,
if nothing else has been stolen.
- It's all stolen already, what's left?
- Tell me about it.
I've checked most of it, boss.
Good. Take the thinner one,
its more precise.
There's a brick!
Write it down. One brick.
What is this?
Stealing brick, are we? Get it off!
Hey, smartass. There's a line.
You wanna lose some teeth?
- You should have moved faster.
- Okay.
- Well?
- Well, what?
How about now?
You got a tan on your holiday!
It's the same all over. I can show you.
In three minutes, then.
You have to admit, work is
going ahead smoothly!
Indeed it is, like clockwork!
Holy shit, he hit it hard.
- Write down his plate numbers!
- Shush. Keep holding it.
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
You see how much he bent it?
Boss, I think we're going to have to
sew that "our" back in.
You're doing that.
Yeah.
A Chinese baby and a Japanese baby
are basically identical.
The only difference is the name.
Chinese, Japanese.
Except when it's a Chinese boy
and a Japanese girl.
Then it's the sex too.
Just like humans.
Gentlemen!
Three minutes.
Here's the thing.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good too.
I think that's his leg.
- Something's in the way here.
- A pot plant, I think.
Yeah, I think they have one there.
Hey.
This is my flat.
- The couch's mine too.
- So is the wife, sadly.
You think I'd marry that sack of lard?
Maybe she got fat after the wedding?
What is this?
- You told me the address, a blonde...
- It's the servant!
- That's great!
- You... You don't have anything else?
What for?
I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna lose it!
I'm going to lose it.
Dudała, Listen, Tadzio.
- Kwaśniewski has to come again, today.
- No way.
- Good morning.
- With me. Come on.
Come on in.
Listen, Tadek...
You have to get Kwaśniewski
to come one more time. Today.
He's left. He's out of the country.
We'll telegram him.
Or call him. Tell him to come back
for one day.
- What, from Korea?
- Why's he gone to Korea?
Well... We signed a deal.
- We?
- Yeah, we.
They brought that bottle of snake wine.
Right. We did.
Turns out we shouldn't have.
It was an economic lapse of judgement.
Director?
Dire...
Director, there's someone to see you.
What are you doing here?
Go to the lounge.
It's done. They're ready, Director.
See, Dudała? I mean, Tadzio.
You see things like this.
You need to have a broader perspective.
For you there's only one Kwaśniewski,
while in fact nobody is irreplaceable.
Kwaśniewski is a ladies' man? Sure.
But Kwaśniewski isn't here,
and you start losing your head. And me?
I say: there are other ladies' men.
How do I find them?
Watch and learn.
- Do you pay child support?
- Yes, we do, sir!
Then keep paying it.
A calendar? Where did you get it?
- Some director's giving them out.
- What year?
Last year.
Director! Director!
Could I get a calendar too?
Thank you so much.
I have been waiting the whole month.
Have a seat. One second.
- A month, you say?
- Yeah.
Wrong. Not a month, but 37 days.
So even longer!
So you weren't telling the truth.
37 days.
Well...
Since you've waited so long,
you can wait a day longer.
You want me to wait a day longer?
That man just...
Hold on, sit down.
You're my guest. I'm talking now.
That gentleman's car was
brought in this morning.
Eight hours ago.
For him one more day of waiting
is 300% more time.
- But...
- Am I right?
- You are.
- I am.
For you, who has waited 37 days,
one day more would be, uh...
Well, my friend...
No matter how you count it.
No matter how you count it, for you
one day is less than 3.
Exactly 2.702.
We can just about afford to lose 2.7.
But to lose 300% time? No, sir, no way!
We have to be diligent with time!
Thank you and goodbye.
We'll send the bill to you.
The accountant'll make a transfer.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Give your Tadzio a kiss, old chap!
- Everything is really, really.
- Get in, I'll give you a ride.
- Should I wait here?
- No, I'll go with the Director!
- I live not far from here.
- Your ID.
I've got it here somewhere.
It has a photo, even.
Relax.
Saint Theresa!
- My wife?
- Yes. Your wife, with him.
- At least tell me who he is.
- I can't.
Believe me, I can't. I can only tell you
she will absolutely... 100%, trust me.
But... I'd really rather know.
I can't. If I could, I'd give you
my heart on a platter, old chap.
Really, that's the deal. See you.
The only thing I can tell you,
even though I shouldn't...
His initials: R.F.
R...
F.
R. So the name starts with R?
I don't know! I don't know.
Why did you stop on the crossing?
Show me your driving licence.
And you, get those stripes out of there.
I have very good connections, you know.
I get up at 2:45 in the morning.
In the summer it's already bright.
At 2:45 I'm already shaved.
I shave in the evenings.
I have my breakfast instead of supper.
I simply get up and go.
- You still have to get dressed.
- A coat, if it's raining.
Why would I get undressed
after breakfast?
Right.
Five kilometres to the bus stop.
The bus leaves at 3:45.
Do you make it?
No.
But I still have it good, because
it's always full and it doesn't stop.
Then I go to the dairy.
That's another hour.
They take me...
to Szymanów.
You know, milk has to be transported
quickly or it goes bad.
I get out in Szymanów, take
the jugs out and catch a train.
Another one in Ochota, to the stadium.
From there it's smooth sailing.
Line 119, over to 13, over to 345
and I'm home free.
I mean, at work.
And it's 6:45, so I still have
15 minutes.
I have dinner at the canteen.
So when I'm done I don't have to stay
and eat, I go straight home.
I'm back at 10:50 p.m. tops.
I shave, I have breakfast
and I go to bed.
Tailors are to deliver more gimp
for hanging posters.
Gentlemen, come with me.
Just for a moment.
- I'm still behind you.
- I'm in front of you, okay?
Stand here together.
Good.
Look left, please.
Now look right.
- Arm up.
- Me?
Yes. Up.
Right again.
Thank you. Good. Thank you very much.
I wonder when they're going to
open these tills.
Let them worry about that.
This was my spot.
Thank you.
Attention, please.
We hereby inform you that due
to the railway poster exhibition
"Travel by railway saves time",
the station will be closed
until further notice.
We wish all our clients
a pleasant journey.
The flat number 107
for Pol-Pim is ready for you.
An interesting initiative was put
forward by our Useful Arts Workshop.
- An exhibit was organised...
- Look now.
...aptly named "Travel by railway
saves time".
As we can see, it was met with
enthusiasm of the gathered crowds.
A comment from the organiser,
Anna Krzakowska.
That's my wife.
...the full statement "Travel by railway
makes travel by train shorter.".
- She's slim.
- In an advanced society...
- Some things can be left unsaid.
- Right there. See?
We can use an adequate shorthand.
In appreciation of the educational
benefits of such initiatives,
the station will remain closed
for the next month.
Another bullseye hit by the cooperating
railwaymen and artists.
- Did you see that?
- I did.
Good.
Maciek? It's me.
I wanted to thank you for the exhibition
and the coverage.
On TV.
It helped me a great deal, you know.
Yeah.
Bye.
Listen, could I stay here
for a bit longer?
Alright.
...in the pre-war reality, characterised
by a general state of regress
both economical and sociopolitical
with an effect on the
substantive principles as well as
the backward Sanation infrastructure...
The general balance of protein was
particularly indolent and thoughtless.
As it is known, this balance is
responsible for the competence...
of those responsible for
the economy of any society
and is the most palpable proof of...
You spying on your own missus?
No, my friend's.
I wouldn't go near that kind of friend.
Ordering someone to spy on his missus.
Delusional.
What do you mean?
This one guy came to me once.
Crow was his name. Paid me one grand
to spy on his missus.
- For a month?
- What are you, stupid?
A day.
He says, if you catch her,
call me right away.
I was trying to catch her
red-handed for a week.
- She cheated on him?
- Yeah.
Like a bitch in heat. You know with who?
With Crow.
- A bitch with a crow?
- Yeah.
It's been known to happen.
A bitch with a crow...
Maybe I got it wrong.
I'll tell you about the next one.
She started disappearing from the house.
A bag, 12 sandwiches and off she goes.
Watch out, for Pete's sake!
So he asks: where are you going?
She blushes...
And says nothing.
So he waits a day, two, a week.
Then he followed her.
She goes to the station
gets on a train.
He jumps on too, another wagon.
She gets off, he gets off too.
She hops in the bushes
and strips her clothes.
Now that's just sad. Completely naked?
Stark naked. Then she
puts on a tracksuit...
and off into the forest. Four hours.
He follows her. She eats the sandwiches
and goes on for another five hours.
What for?
They chose her for a relay-race in the
Spartakiad. She didn't want to tell him.
- So it was a happy ending.
- Happy?
My friend! The guy gave up
the ghost the next day.
Figures! Nine hours of running around
the woods, no food, no nothing!
There she is.
That one? You're wasting your time.
You think?
Sure. She wouldn't cheat.
She's too young for that.
- Too young?
- That's right.
Women start having affairs after 60,
when it's already too late.
They're delusional!
You think she's too young?
I only have one dream.
To drive a taxi in New York.
It's so crowded there.
In America? Not just that.
There's social inequality, trust funds,
cartels, and money is all-powerful.
But when someone's chasing
someone in a car, they're going so fast
the only thing you can see is dust.
American dust. And here?
Slow down, Bernaś, you're gonna fly!
No way. Double or triple fare,
I'm not going.
The car's overheating,
my head's splitting in half.
- What was that?
- My nerves can't take this.
Sister, check the dressing
and the tools.
- It's all here.
- The dressing, please.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen!
The Kutno team has finished!
The surgery is finished.
The Gorzów team is still going.
What does the jury say?
Nine points for the surgical team
from Kutno! Eight points for Gorzów!
That random patient thing is a sham.
I knew we'd lose with the fatass we got.
They were already operating by the time
I got through the adipose tissue.
Yes. Yes.
That's good. It shows that you're strong
and unafraid of rumours.
They're all saying the Director is out.
He doesn't care, he's off to Hungary
to oversee assembly personally.
It's an opportunity for her too.
Once you're in Hungary, old chap,
she's going to go bonkers.
Why not a taxi?
- What do you mean, bonkers?
- You know, in the meantime... Listen.
- Meanwhile, we're ready for it. Snap!
- What do you mean he threw you out?
Do you have the plate numbers?
Let's assume you stay here.
Even if you catch them, so what?
You're at the door, she's in bed,
he's in the wardrobe.
It reeks of a pre-war...
A Sanation romance.
Think about it this way.
While the husband...
is in a fraternal country, personally
overseeing assembly...
working nights, losing sleep...
- I understand.
- His wife is losing sleep too.
Sadly, in a completely different manner.
How does that sound?
Falcon Sports Club?
- With the chairman, please.
- Look, look.
- Wacek?
- Listen...
Catch up, catch up!
Don't lag behind! Keep going!
Harder! Harder!
- Maciek!
- What?
- I need one right away!
- A cyclist?
- No, your best bike!
- I can't!
- Chairman's orders!
- Alright, alright!
Go, go, go!
Stolarczyk, pull over! To the left!
Stolarczyk, pull over!
Go, go!
Give me the bike.
Load it!
- Go!
- Okay, bye!
Go.
Coach! Coach!
Wait!
Wait, wait!
HEALTH CARE SAYS "NO"
TO SOCIAL MARGINALITY
A question for the Zabrze team.
By what percentage has the amount
of hospital beds increased lately?
7218 hours.
Yes, but that's the answer to
question 3, which I haven't read out.
How many hours has the health service
worked pro bono?
I hope the jury will accept
the answer in advance, yes?
Yes, the jury accepts.
Everyone has a dream in life.
Something they desire, think about,
like, wish to see or hear again.
Mrs Walentyna has been a nurse for many,
many years. What would you like to hear?
Mr Kor... Mr Koracz's song about
health is what I want to hear most.
As it happens, Mr Koracz
is here with us!
Hello Gents, let me tell you a thing
Or I'd rather sing
Health is most important, agree
You know what I mean...
I'm 8000 short.
It's such a steal, a coat like that.
Original, Afghan.
Who's got it?
Some Turkish guy.
The grocery shop manager
told me about him.
Listen, come to me this evening.
I'll see what I can do. Bye.
Bye, bye...
- Bye, love.
- Bye.
Are you last in the line?
- I am.
- I'll be behind you.
- Sir, you can't smoke here.
- I'm not breathing it in.
I can't give you the money. You look
nothing like the photo in your ID.
Because it's my brother-in-law's ID.
- Not even 500 zlotys?
- I can give you 200.
- Do you want it?
- Okay.
It's me.
Look, there's something. Two things.
I talked about all this with
two, let's say, experts.
They're delusional. All of them.
Yours too.
What? Experts? What are you
talking about? What did they say?
You know, apparently
they don't, like, at all...
The facts seem to confirm that opinion.
Did you catch her?
No. It's just a hypothesis.
I think you'll be happy,
just give me a couple of days.
Oh, and listen. The bike's killing me.
I'm too slow, the bike's too fast.
I'm sorry, could you turn
that radio down?
No, but I can turn it up.
Thank you.
- I'm here.
- I see that.
Wait here.
You know, when you called me
I didn't feel like it, and then...
I'm here.
Well, I really appreciate that.
Where are you flying to, anyway?
Assembly.
You know.
Personal supervision.
To the People's Republic of Hungary.
Would you do anything for me?
- Of course, darling.
- Then do that pose.
Eight, nine, ten...
11, 12, 13, 14, 15.
Thank you.
Hey! Either you work or you eat!
CLOSED
What's up?
Some planks need to be
moved to Żyrardów.
I'm free at 7.
- There'll be only ash left at 7. Now.
- Now, now.
- What, is there a fire?
- Not yet.
At 7, there probably will be.
Yeah, but what can I do?
I'm full to the brim.
Dump it here for a couple of hours.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, there's a line!
We're all waiting here.
I'm not here for that!
- Where's the manager?
- I don't know.
There's a line!
I'm not blind.
Apparently you're deaf!
I tell you there's a line,
and you just waltz in.
I'm talking to you!
- What are you patting me for?
- You weren't standing here!
Get on line 125, go to Castle Square.
There's a column of Sigismund III there.
You go and tell him
"You weren't standing here".
- Here's your line 125, asshat.
- You bastard.
That'll teach you to bother
decent folks!
Stop that!
- What's wrong with you?
- Get your hands off me!
Look what they've done!
And here, too!
Sławek!
Sławek!
THESE CUSTOMERS ARE BANNED
- What's up?
- Quick, quick!
Okay.
One moment. Excuse me. Sławek!
One... good.
Sławek... One... good.
Get them up on the display.
Hey!
If you feel like it, take that 125
and shove it!
Up your ass!
So where's this 125, Comrade?
- 124, officer.
- ID, please.
Wiesia! Can you pass me one chicken?
One second.
I know who that Turk is, ma'am. He's...
- He would be...
- Pardon me.
Are you the manager here?
The cleaning lady just handed
me a chicken with a dirty rag.
I'm the manager.
- First of all, you snatched it from me!
- As corpus delicti.
He snatched the cloth from me!
My work tool!
Sir, he was going to steal that chicken!
Why else would he snatch it? Thief!
And a drunk! All drunks are thieves!
See for yourself. Is this acceptable?
Calm down, Kazio.
The rag was dirty, sir.
That's what rags are for.
- Basic principles of hygiene...
- Sir.
Basic principles of hygiene say
you should knock before entering.
And you didn't knock.
With a dirty rag.
- I won't buy anything here again.
- Kazio, wait. Sir...
He goes to war with every shop.
We live in Służewiec.
We're at war with every shop
all the way to Żoliborz.
Your shop is the last one.
We'll have to go to Bielany...
I'd rather go to Bydgoszcz
than buy here.
Go on, put me on that display of yours!
We decide who gets to be
on that display of ours.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
How about now?
Sławek! Sławek!
Next time think twice before you voice
your opinions about our commerce.
Name?
Name!
Your name!
I'm trying to decide.
Kazio, you're illogical.
You demand things
they know nothing about.
They can kiss my ass, darling.
They know plenty about that.
Over here, please.
Me?
I'm telling you.
Last week I left my car in
a guarded parking lot.
They stole my wipers and one wheel.
Now I go to buy some margarine,
and they put up a dam.
Bunch of twerps.
- The press should be told about this.
- Sure. I'm all over it.
I don't know about any of that.
I drive a car, same as you do.
I've never had anything stolen!
And I'm always at time!
- On time.
- Exactly, you're at time too.
Ass-ig-na-tion.
This is Director Kołodziej.
Stefan? Wisiorny here. Hey, have you
got any winches on site?
I've got one.
Send it over to me for an hour, eh?
No, I can't. We're expecting
a surprise inspection.
- I have to keep the work going.
- Have a rally for the crew.
About Lebanon.
What's the big deal?
To the Central Station.
We need prefabrications to build
new houses for the people.
Reality poses problems...
and we must solve them.
Ready? Good.
- Up!
- Go, go, go!
Don't be afraid! Lift it up!
It's a cabriolet.
Participants of the Amity excursion
are asked to board the bus.
Faster!
Excuse me, is Mr Mustafa in his room?
He is not present, in a strict sense.
Where is he?
He ordered a wake-up call in two hours.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Please...
Please...
Excuse me. I believe you have
ordered a beer.
I'm very sorry, but your suspicions
are entirely baseless.
I do not trade in anything.
This lady came here with the coat
and is leaving with it.
Hello. I'm here about a coat.
I'm sorry, but your suspicions
are entirely baseless.
I do not trade in anything. This lady
came here with the coat.
33, 34, 35...
36, 37, 38...
39, 40.
42, 43, 44...
I'm going to Nasielsk.
45, 46, 47...
- What's the problem?
- I'm about to tell you.
Can you show me that swim ring?
Inflatable, recreational product.
- ID!
- What ID?
Swimming 15 metres from the shore
is allowed for anyone.
I suggest you read the Minister's
decree in the Monitor, 27th December.
Issue 1789.
And you'll sneak in
while I'm reading? ID!
Here.
You can go ahead.
Ma'am, is there a fitness course
or a running track nearby?
Go ask the manager.
Karolka!
Come round the back of the laundry!
Come in.
You're...
You needn't have bothered.
I have a spare one.
Excuse me.
I want... telephone... Warsaw.
What?
No Warsaw.
What, did they tear it down?
Are we just going to stay silent?
Why don't you say something?
I'm just wondering...
It all turned out so unexpectedly.
How did you think
it was going to turn out?
You followed me for so long.
You did.
All day long.
How can you be so shy?
Women like being adored.
Karolka! Get your ass back here,
12 isn't finished yet!
Quit fooling around with that midget!
Get back here or I'm
telling your parents!
If he were a decent man,
but he's a little short-ass.
And a womaniser.
I tell you, just yesterday he was
having a go at the cook.
She was making dumplings at the time.
And that sodding short-ass just
comes up from behind.
Short-ass?
Third World, you know?
Get it? Third World.
That's a sensible vision, brother.
Take an African.
Give him two lighters.
Even a tape recorder.
Two tape recorders.
You write excellent plays
here in Hungary.
He grabs her and...
He's got peace and quiet. No divorce.
I see. So it's you.
No. It's not me.
My name is Fijałkowski.
I am a lawyer.
I'm in charge of your wife's
divorce case.
- What do you mean, flat and car?
- You misheard. The savings account too.
- Which account?
- Both of them.
I can give you a lift.
You can't prove that!
I hope you won't force me to.
To bring it up in court, the cynical
abuse of one's position...
Where's the evidence?
Does the name Kwaśniewski
mean anything to you?
You don't mess around, do you?
Call me tomorrow at noon.
We'll talk in the morning.
And it's you who's going to call me.
Here you are.
Look, there he goes.
He's got even fatter.
Quiet. I can see.
His belt's barely long enough.
He's already huffing and puffing.
He's going to huff when
he sees his office.
How much sausage? 150, 200 grams?
No way it's 200.
Look, the scales start at 50.
Sir, I got up at 5, I missed
three trams and you're...
What do I care? I got up at 4 and
I missed six trams.
One of them...
- No, none of that.
- What's going on here?
He pushed his way in and now
he's making a fuss.
Thank you very much, I want none of it.
Maybe someone else does. Look, folks!
No, no. Do I have to eat it?
I'll have something to drink.
Dudała!
Dudała!
Tadek!
No! Really, we're so very grateful.
Oh, you haven't met yet. My wife.
We must have dinner together sometime.
Maybe next month?
So little time.
- Director, when do you want the car?
- 3:00 p.m.
What in the name of all that's holy...
Changes, changes, changes.
This friend of mine, he got to know her
when he was following her.
Turns out she was completely different
than the husband had told him.
The husband, he was just jealous.
Sick with envy, like Othello.
- You seen Othello?
- Where?
Okay, you haven't.
How do you know?
Turns out she was unhappy in her
marriage. She needed warmth, trust...
You know?
She's divorcing him.
He was too primitive.
This friend of mine, he sees it all.
He's a bright guy. He loves her.
That's what she deserves, the girl.
But, you know, he's got a wife and
two kids too, that guy.
So he's not sure either.
Tell me.
What would you do in my place?
Stop! Stop!
Just you wait, when I catch you...
What will you do when you catch me?
Dad, did you hear that?
Son, on Saint John's Eve
the fern flower blooms.
Normally ferns don't have flowers,
but spores.
Cows, horses, pigs speak
in human tongue.
- No, that's on Christmas Eve.
- That's when the Catholic ones speak.