Cluny Brown (1946) - full transcript

Yes. No, no, no, my dear chap. Sink.

Sink. S-i-n-k. Sink.

No, no, no, not stink.

Yes, well, now that you mention it,
it does.

Stink.

Look here, what I'm trying to tell you
is it won't drain.

Yes, that's it, and I've got 50 people
popping over for cocktails.

Have you ever tried to get hold
of a plumber in London

on a Sunday afternoon?

I've called dozens of them,

and the blighters are either
at the films or walking in the park.



Hang it all! If plumbing's going to
make a go of it in this country,

the plumbers jolly well better
get into the spirit of the thing.

Well, there's just the ghost of a chance.

One chap half promised to be over,

but that's more than an hour ago,
so there you are.

But look here,
I can't just call up 50 guests.

I can't call up such people
as the honorable Betty cream

and tell her my sink's out of order.

Just a moment. Congratulate me, old man.
Here's the plumber now.

So long.

Come in, come in. Excuse me.

Hello? Yes.

Yes, he just came this moment. Goodbye.

Never been so happy to see anybody
in my life. Right this way.



Rotten of me to spoil your Sunday,
but it's sink or swim, you know.

Wait till you see the mess.

"Relieve the drain, relieve the strain."
Bit of a poet, eh?

Well, there it is.
Frightful stench, isn't it?

Just too awful for words.

Yes, but it looks interesting.

Very. What?

Is there anything more arresting
than a sink out of order?

I beg your pardon.

An everyday, ordinary,
commonplace pantry sink.

And yet, an analogue of human frustration.

Believe me, I know a lot about sinks.

Yes, naturally, I'm sure you do,
but we haven't much time.

You see, I'm giving a party.

- You're expecting your guests any minute?
- Right.

- And you want your sink fixed?
- Right.

- Then what you need is a plumber.
- Righ...

- But I thought that you...
- Oh, no, no.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid
there has been a misunderstanding.

You see, I came here to see
an old friend of mine, professor Leigh.

Professor Leigh? Well, he's in Scotland.

You see, I sublet the flat.

- Now I am in a fix.
- Well, what about me? I'm in a fix too.

But what am I going to do? It's 4:30.

I wanted to see professor Leigh -

I'm expecting 50 guests, including such
people as the honorable Betty cream,

and she doesn't go everywhere, you know?

You're the most selfish man
I've ever seen.

What?

You don't even know me
and already you're not interested in me.

Why don't you ask me
why I want to see professor Leigh?

All you're thinking about is
the honorable Betty cream.

Why don't you ask me about my landlady?

Is she humane or does she want the rent?

Do you know or do you care? No.

Have you even said,
"a fig for Betty cream, my dear sir.

Is there anything I can do for you?"

Well, is there?

Oh, thank heaven.

I misjudged you. My name is Adam belinski.

Hilary ames.

Ah, I'm tired, my dear ames.

It's too bad Leigh isn't here.
By the way, do you know him?

- Not very well, no.
- Oh... magnificent fellow.

He would have said,
"is there anything wrong, belinski?"

And of course,
I would have said, "no, no, nothing."

But he would not have believed me.

He would have insisted on my taking a nap.

Insisted, I assure you.

Ah, he had the most charming way
of forcing 20 pounds on one.

Made you feel you were doing him a favor.
Remarkable fellow.

Obviously. Well, I'm not precisely
in the habit of forcing things on people,

but if I can be of any service...

My dear ames, this is kind of you.

Not at all. Do have a nap.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. belinski.
This must be the plumber.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

- Well, shall we have a go at it?
- Ibeg your pardon.

I'm uncle Arn's niece.
Mr. porritt, that is.

I'm sorry. There must be some mistake.

Mistake? Aren't you...

Of course you're Mr. ames.

I could smell you a mile off.
You're the gentleman who phoned.

I have a wild idea that this has something
to do with plumbing.

You mean porritt the plumber.

Yes, of course, of course.
Come in, won't you?

Well, where is he?

- Pardon?
- He never gets through till sunset.

But when you talked about your troubles,
you sounded so stopped up,

I thought I'd have a fling at it myself.

But look here, are you a plumber?

Oh, no. But I've been around pipes
and sewers and taps and things

ever since I came to live with uncle Arn.

And of course, I've watched him work.

He's a good plumber,
but if you ask me, much too conservative.

- Conservative?
- Though he votes labor.

But when it comes to pipes,
he takes the long road,

fiddles and faddles, turns a nut,
gets a drop here and a drip there,

when one good bang
might turn the trick in a jiffy.

Yes, and might smash the pipe
to smithereens.

But on the other hand, it mightn't.

When you're up against time,
you have to chance it.

- Why don't you let me have a whack at it?
- Oh, no, you don't.

My dear ames, where is the gypsy in you?

Where's your sense of adventure?

Are you the type of man who puts on his
pants before he answers the telephone?

What if the thing does go wrong?

Let's assume the whole place gets flooded,
and there is no party.

You save your liquor. Is that bad?

- But if this girl succeeds -
- Please, sir, do let me.

By jove, I'll do it.
Yes. I'll do it. Come on.

"Relieve the drain,
relieve the strain, eh?"

Well, there it is.
My fate's in your hands.

My!

What a congestion.

It's more stopped up than you sounded.

I never thought it'd be as good as this.

I can't thank you enough, Mr. ames.

Oh, not at all.
You know, I'm having a party and -

yes, yes, I know,
but I'm not at all certain I can stay.

We'll see.

You see she's not dressed for plumbing,
but what woman is?

Well, here we go.

Have you ever had tea at the ritz?

Tea at the ritz?

I have, last Saturday.

I was lying in bed sucking oranges,

to tone up the system, you know,
when all at once I said to myself,

"cluny brown,
you've got a pound note in your stocking.

Why don't you have tea at the ritz?"

So I did.
That's the way things come over me.

Was it a good tea?

Oh, it wasn't the tea,

but to hear them say, "this way, miss.
Please, miss. Crumpets, miss?"

And holding my chair for me. You'd never
have thought I was out of place.

That's very interesting.
You don't seem to be inhibited.

Try to be more specific.
What made you think you were out of place?

Oh, I didn't think I was. It's uncle Arn.

He's always telling me,
"cluny brown, you don't know your place.

Think of your place. Cluny brown,
you ought to learn your place."

Look here,
this is no time for light conversation.

Where does uncle Arn think your place is?

- He didn't say.
- Because he doesn't know.

I say, it's ten to 5:00.

Nobody can tell you where your place is.

Where is my place?
Where is anybody's place?

I'll tell you where it is.
Wherever you're happy, that's your place.

And happiness is a matter of purely
personal adjustment to your environment.

You're the sole judge.

In Hyde park, for instance, some people
like to feed nuts to the squirrels.

But if it makes you happy
to feed squirrels to the nuts,

who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?

- Do you mind saying that all over again?
- In Hyde park -

look, I beg you -

Oh, what a wonderful day
this has been for me.

My first sink and my first cocktail.

A Martini cocktail.

With an olive.

Thank you. You've been so understanding.

Have some more.

- Should she?
- Definitely.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Mmm.

Ah, I feel lovely.

I can't quite describe it.
I feel... "Chirrupy.”

Chirrupy?
I don't ever recall feeling chirrupy.

I'm afraid you never will, my dear ames.
There isn't a chirrup in you.

Isn't it funny?
Now I feel entirely different.

I know what it is. I know.

Uh-huh. Ah, it's coming over me.

That persian cat feeling.

Meow.

Meow.

What's a persian cat feeling?

I'm sorry, but it's getting late.

It's never too late for a cat.

You're lying there in bed reading that
wonderful travelogue in the daily mail

and wanting to go places
and wondering if you ever will.

And all of a sudden, you're a cat,

and you start to climb, and you leap out
of the window into the fog.

Then suddenly the fog lifts,
and it isn't London, it's Baghdad.

Next week, I'll be in Cairo.

Oh, it's so wonderful to be a cat
and read the daily mail.

Look, I implore you -

good heavens,
there they are now. Please...

- Yes?
- I'm the -

oh, I feel so wonderful.

So free.

Cluny brown, what are you doing here?

Uncle Arn.

What does this mean?
What are you doing on that there couch?

I've been plumbing, uncle Arn.
Just plumbing.

Cluny brown, has something happened
I ought to know about?

I don't think so.

Lucky I found the address wrote down or I
might never looked you in the face again.

- I assure you, uncle Arn -
- Name's porritt! Mr. porritt!

Liquor too. Giving strong drink
to a young girl, that beats all.

I've half a mind -

you haven't met Mr. ames, the host.

I've no wish to meet the individual.

But, uncle Arn,
these gentlemen have been so nice to me.

There you go again, taken advantage of.

You don't know your place.

Get your things here.
You never will know your place.

But, uncle Arn, what is my place?

What's anybody's place? What's your place?

If you want to feed nuts to the squirrels,
who am I to say...

Do you?

That settles it.
You're going into service, you are.

You're going to be a domestic
in a decent home. Come along.

I haven't paid you yet. Will this do?

You can't buy me off
with your filthy pound note.

Come, cluny brown.

Thank you, gentlemen, for everything.

A British subject calling
a symbol of the empire filthy.

Permit me.

Filthy?
I differ with him emphatically, ames.

When the lower classes
start throwing away pound notes,

the upper classes better look out.

I dare say.

J perhaps you wonder who I am
or maybe you don't care &

j but I spend a great part of my time j

j on the fringes of Mayfair &

I I'm never asked fo parties
but I go to them just the same j

j and I know that everybody... &

- why do people go to cocktail parties?
- Because people give cocktail parties.

- Why do people give them?
- Because people go to them.

It's a vicious circle.
Like perpetual motion.

Oh, it's depressing.

Parties and people laughing,
with Europe on the brink.

Yes. Hitler and Vienna and Prague,
and people go around having fun.

Oh, I'm so tired of hearing
"Hitler" and "Mussolini" and -

Betty, I'm surprised.
You talk like a superficial girl

who thinks of nothing
but her pink-and-white complexion.

You seemed to like it
till Hitler came between us.

- Why, I still do.
- Intensely, Betty.

But you must realize
we're on the verge of a war.

Well, then stop talking
and do something about it.

I have.
I've written a letter to 7he 7/mes.

Well, then,
there's nothing to worry about.

- Are you having a good time, miss cream?
- Marvelous, thank you.

Miss cream, when I first saw you,
I said to Archie,

"there's miss Betty cream,” then I said,
"that can't be miss Betty cream."

But after all, there's only one
Betty cream, isn't there?

Everyone makes such an absurd fuss
over her. She's simply unbearable.

- The worst manners of any girl I know.
- She's cold, conceited, and callous.

- Two Martinis, please.
- Yes, sir.

Have you, uh,
asked her to marry you lately?

Day before yesterday.

- What'd she say?
- She said no, as usual.

She doesn't stop to think.
She hasn't any brains.

If she turned me down once,
I don't think I could ever ask her again.

- I don't think she ever will get married.
- Perhaps she doesn't want to.

What else can she do? What's
gonna become of her. She has no talent.

- She has beauty.
- Well, beauty doesn't mean much.

It helps.

Perhaps.
If you ask me, I feel sorry for the girl.

It think she'll go on and on
having a good time

and wind up as one of those hackish
females who get up charity balls.

What a pity.

Well, I've made up my mind.

I shall ask her once or twice more,
then I shall wash my hands of her.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- I've found something interesting. A man.
- The place is full of men.

But this one's in bed.
Come and have a look.

Shh. There he is.

- No wonder he's in bed. He's squiffed.
- Good heavens!

What's the matter?

- It's belinski.
- Not Adam belinski.

Yes. Adam belinski!

- Is he a gangster?
- Don't be an idiot. He's a Czech.

- He's a great man. He's famous.
- Well, whatever for?

He's a writer. Professor at Prague.
One of Hitler's worst enemies.

That's why the Nazis are after him.

He's probably just one jump ahead of them
now. I wonder how he got to London.

- On the underground, no doubt.
- What a man.

He looks exactly like his pictures.

Better, in fact. Nobler. Much nobler.

- More serene.
- But he shores.

What difference does it make?

- He's a great liberal. I snore myself!
- So do I.

I don't,
and I'm as liberal as either of you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

We, uh, we know who you are.

You can trust us. I'm Andrew carmel.

- I'm John frewen.
- How do you do?

I'm Elizabeth cream.

I know. You are honorable
and you don't go everywhere.

We don't mean to pry,
but you are in trouble.

Aren't you, professor?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact.

Unless a miracle happens,
I'm a man without a home.

Oh, that beast.
That terrible beast, Hitler.

I wonder if I've made myself clear.

Perfectly. But the time for talk is past.
We must do something.

Yes, what can we do about him?

Gentlemen,
I'm afraid you are a little confused.

Oh, yes, we know we are.
There's so much muddled thinking.

That's why we're glad you're here.
Put us straight, will you, professor?

I have an idea. Let's scram out of here.

- A step in the right direction.
- All right.

But it must be somewhere safe. After all,
the professor is our responsibility.

Definitely. Have you any suggestions, sir?

Well, I should say the ritz
is a good, safe place.

It takes a lot of nerve for a man in his
position to show himself at the ritz.

- Well, thanks for a delightful evening.
- Thank you, professor.

You must come to tea
with Andrew and frewen soon.

Thank you, miss cream.
Thank you all. Good night.

Good night.

Professor...

- Are you safe here?
- Are the people in this house trustworthy?

Tell me, who lives here?

Who lives here? People who have to.

Professor, I beg your pardon
for bringing this up again,

but since you've honored us
with your company -

since you have...

We both feel that the 20 pounds

you were gracious enough to accept
is most inadequate.

- Most.
- Would you reconsider and take 507?

- We'd feel much better about it.
- Much better.

My dear friends, I beg of you.

I needed 20 pounds,
and you were good enough

to lend me 20 pounds, and that's all.

We don't want to seem rude,
but 50 pounds -

we frankly don't see
how you can accept less.

You mustn't press me any further.
I insist.

- We understand perfectly, professor.
- Perfectly.

However, should the occasion arise
when I need 30 additional pounds,

you will give it to me and nobody else.

- Is that a promise?
- My word of honor.

We appreciate this.

- Good night.
- Good night, sir.

- Great man.
- Really a great man.

Uncle Arn, you won't have me tomorrow.

No, I won't.

Uncle Arn, who's going to mend your socks?

Sister addy.

Who's going to answer the telephone?

I'll manage it myself when I'm here
and let it ring when I ain't.

Now, everything's settled, lass.

Who are you going to talk to
when you've got something on your mind?

I'll just let it stay there.

You won't like that, uncle Arn.

You're a man who likes to express himself.

Uncle Arn, why do I have to go?

It's better. You're very lucky.

An untrained girl like you
getting took on as a parlor maid

in a nice house in the country.

- If I don't like it, can I come back?
- Not if you just don't like it.

- Well, what if I hate it?
- It's not your place to hate, cluny brown.

- What if I don't get enough to eat?
- They'll feed you.

What if they feed me scraps?

Starve me down to the bone
till I look like a skeleton?

- Then can I come back, uncle Arn?
- That's all in your head, lass.

- What if they knock me about?
- They won't.

Well, what if they do?

Well, then send me a line,
but be sure they do.

Here.

On.

Uncle Arn,
it's so nice of you to give me this.

It will remind me of home.
I'll think of you ever so often.

You keep your mind on your work.
Now be a good lass and hurry up.

- Uncle Arn.
- Eh?

Do you know why girls leave home?

Girls leave home
because they're thrown out.

Everything all right, Herbert?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

By jove, I've never seen roddy behave
so well on a journey, thanks to you.

- As a rule, he's a jolly nuisance.
- Oh, he's lovely.

It was very good of you
to take care of him.

Thank you for letting me.
He's done me so much good.

That's what I like about dogs. They make
you feel so much better about yourself.

Goodbye, roddy.
I'm awfully glad I met you.

By jove, he doesn't want to leave you.

Well, I don't blame him either.

I do wish I could see him again sometime.

Well, why not? Me, too, for that matter.

- I'm not a bad old dog myself.
- Thank you. I'd like that.

Do you hear that, roddy?
It isn't goodbye after all.

By the way, where are you going?

I'm going to friars carmel manor.

By jove, is that where you're going?
Neighbors of mine.

Henry and Alice are old friends.

I don't see Henry's car about anywhere.

- Let me give you a lift, miss...
- Cluny brown.

Ah, of course.

- Herbert, take miss brown's bag.
- I don't want to put you to any trouble -

nonsense, it's a pleasure.
I'm colonel duff Graham.

It's wonderful how a dog
can bring people together, isn't it?

By jove, yes, yes. So it is.

I never thought of that.

Wonder what'd soothe old puffy.

You might tell him
about the gardens.

Flowers are so restful.

Why, Andrew.

Hello, mother, father. Well...

I'm sorry to burst in on you like this,
but it's important.

That's why I came down myself
instead of telephoning.

- I've asked a guest -
- That's nothing to get excited about.

Naturally, any friend of yours is welcome.

I know, mother,
but this is a special case.

I wish I could bring him myself,
but I have to stay in London.

He's coming alone tomorrow night.

You're sending the fellow down here
and you -

I know it's strange,
but I told you, it's a special case.

You see, he's in danger.

He won't admit it,
but he ought to get out of London at once.

Good heavens. What's the fellow done?

What hasn't he done?
He's fighting for a new and better world.

- What for?
- What for? Haven't you heard of the Nazis?

Oh, yes. German chaps.
Always wanted to see one.

Send him down, by all means.

Father, he isn't a Nazi.
He fights the Nazis. He's a Czech.

The Nazis are after him.

Father, you're sitting on a volcano.

Battleships and tanks won't help you.

Believe me, england won't be safe
until we produce our own belinskis.

What the devil are belinskis?

"What the devil are belinskis?"
I give up. "What are belinskis?"

Now, don't go all to pieces, Andrew.

If england must produce belinskis,
why, we will produce belinskis.

Britain has never failed.
Now, have your tea, dear.

Mother...

Mother, belinski is the man's name.
Professor Adam belinski.

Oh, I see.

Of course, we'd be glad to make
his weekend as pleasant as possible.

Mother... mother, this isn't the matter
of a pleasant weekend.

It's a matter of life and death.
I don't know how long he's going to stay.

It may be a week, a year,
it may be permanently.

Permanently, a total stranger?
Isn't that stretching it a bit?

But, father, he's given up everything.
He hasn't any money.

You mean the beggar's broke?

You can't call a man broke
just because he hasn't any money.

Mother, I'm sure you understand.
I'm depending on you to be kind to him.

Of course, dear. Now, let's have tea.

Sorry. I can't stay.
I've got to get back to London -

but you just got here.

I wouldn't rush off like this
if it weren't most urgent.

Thanks so much, darling.

Andrew, it isn't Betty cream, is it?

Of course not.

Remember your promise, mother.
I'll see you as soon as I can.

- Goodbye. Goodbye, father.
- Goodbye.

I shouldn't be at all unhappy
if it were Betty.

Nice girl. Sits a horse well. Why doesn't
he marry and have done with it?

How do you do, syrette?

The colonel duff Graham, milady.

- Alice, my dear, how are you?
- Charles, how nice.

Henry, old boy, by jove, how fit you look.

- Well, well, Charles.
- Look whom I've brought you.

Roddy could hardly keep his paws off her,
eh, miss brown?

I don't blame him either.

- How do you do, miss brown?
- How do you do?

Well, well, this is a pleasure.

Passed the new vicar on the drive over.
How's he getting on?

Splendid, splendid. Sits a horse well.

Good. That reminds me. I've
just got time for a ride before dinner.

Aren't you staying for tea?

No, thank you, Alice.
I must be toddling along.

Spoiling for a sharp canter after London.

Miss brown, don't stay away too long.
I shall be waiting for you.

I want to see a bit of her, too, you know.
And so does roddy, eh?

Cheerio.

- Thank you for everything.
- Oh, no, no, pleasure, pleasure.

Won't you sit down, miss brown?

- Shall I?
- Certainly.

- Please.
- Have some tea.

This is... this is very kind of you.

Milk or lemon, miss brown?

It really doesn't matter.

Then shall we say lemon?

Well, I usually take milk,
but I'll try lemon.

Then milk, by all means. Sugar?

I don't think so.

Are you quite sure?

Well, if you don't mind, four, please.

Try a crumpet.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You know, I didn't think
it'd be anything like this.

You've both been so kind,
and it's so lovely here.

- It's just like a park.
- Hear that, Alice?

She works in it from morning till night.
It's her empire.

Maybe someday you'll let me help you
in the garden.

Of course, my dear.
I'm so glad you like my flowers.

You're so much nicer than I thought.

In fact,
I didn't think you'd be nice at all.

To think I was afraid you might starve me.

Instead, here I am having tea with milk
and four lumps and crumpets.

- May I have another?
- Good heavens, have them all.

Thanks, I'm not that hungry,
but I appreciate the offer.

You won't be sorry having me here.

I'm going to do everything to please you,
I promise you, even some extra things.

- How's your plumbing?
- Plumbing?

There's nothing wrong with our plumbing,
is there?

I almost wish one of your pipes leaked.
I could fix it.

You mean to tell me young girls go in
for plumbing nowadays?

It's great fun,
and it does everybody so much good.

When I was a young man,
we never even discussed plumbing.

As a matter of fact, we didn't have any.

- Tell me, miss brown -
- Everybody calls me cluny.

Tell me, I suppose you've known
colonel duff Graham a long time.

Oh, no, we just met on the train.

But I feel as if I've known him
ever so long.

I'm going to have a puppy.

- You're going to have what?
- A puppy from the colonel.

Jupiter.

He says it's the first time
he's ever given one of roddy's away.

I hope you won't mind. I promise
I won't let it interfere with my work.

Your work?

Yes. Work.

I'm cluny brown. Miss postgate sent me.

Didn't you expect me? I'm the parlor maid.

Oh, you're the new maid. I see.

On.

You thought I was somebody else,
didn't you?

I'm sorry.

Have I done something wrong?

No, no. If anyone's been wrong, it's us.

Nobody's done anything wrong.
We've enjoyed seeing you.

And we hope you'll be happy here
and stay a long time.

Thank you.

Syrette, this is cluny brown,
the new maid.

Now, sit down, my dear,
and finish your tea.

Sit down, my dear.

And when you've finished, syrette will
take you to Mrs. maile, the housekeeper.

Very good, milady.

Well, Alice,
I'd better get at that letter.

They are so nice, aren't they?

I'm finished.

- Follow me, brown.
- Brown?

Everybody calls me cluny.

You'll be called brown here.

Maybe she got onto the wrong train,
Mrs. maile.

Maybe she ran off
with a handsome stranger.

That will be enough, weller.

Things like that have happened
before and might happen again.

Mrs. brown, Mrs. maile.
Mrs. maile, the housekeeper.

Where have you been, brown?

Having tea with sir Henry
and her ladyship.

- What?
- Well, it wasn't my fault, really -

Mr. syrette will give me the necessary
information later, if you'd be so kind.

With pleasure, Mrs. maile.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Now then, take off your hat, please.

I'm afraid you'll have to do something
about your hair.

Shall I leave, Mrs. maile?

Please don't, Mr. syrette.
I'd appreciate your opinion in the matter.

May I say I agree with you completely,
Mrs. maile?

I knew you would, Mr. syrette.

- Your appearance is part of your work.
- Precisely.

- I understand this is your first place.
- Yes.

I see. We must begin at the beginning.

You say "ma'am" to me,
and "sir" to Mr. syrette.

And "her ladyship" to her ladyship.

You will perhaps never see
her ladyship or sir Henry.

But if by chance you find yourself
in the same room with them,

you will not be in the room.

You will see and not see.
You will hear and not hear.

Should her ladyship address you,
which I very much doubt...

But if she should, you will answer
"yes, milady," or "no, milady,"

depending on the circumstances.

However,
these things will come to you more easily

when you've put on your uniform.

- I couldn't have stated it better myself.
- Thank you, Mr. syrette.

And now, brown,
weller will show you to your room.

But before you go,
if I haven't made myself quite clear...

Oh, you've made yourself quite clear.
I understand perfectly.

For instance, if I feel like...

What was it the gentleman said? Oh, yes.

If I feel like feeding squirrels
to the nuts, this isn't the place for it.

The professor will be down immediately.

I say, syrette,
what's the fellow's name again?

It is hard to remember.

So many foreigners do have foreign names,
don't they?

- May I make a suggestion, sir?
- Go ahead.

- Think of the fur, kolinski.
- Oh, kolinski, kolinski.

And now substitute "be" for "ko."

"Belinski" for "kolinski,"
and you have it, sir.

I'll remember that.

What's the name of that fur again?

Professor belinski.

Ah, professor, how nice to see you.

You're very kind, lady carmel.
How do you do, sir?

How do you do?
Have a glass of Sherry, old man.

Professor, you're most welcome here,
for as long as you care to stay.

How very hospitable you are.

But I don't feel I should accept
before you know more about me.

- Andrew has told us all about you.
- And about this Nazi business.

You don't have to worry
with constable birkins around.

Great man for warding things off, birkins.

I have the utmost confidence
in constable birkins.

But after all,
the Nazis are across the channel.

However,
what worries me is right here with us.

I have no dinner jacket.

Dinner is served, milady.

Sir Henry, I couldn't bear to face you
in a lounge suit across the dinner table.

Well, uh...

Wore a lounge suit myself
once at dinner in Naples.

Went slumming.
Didn't want to shock the natives.

Shall we go in?

Andrew will lend you a dinner jacket.

He has two. It doesn't matter tonight,
but as a favor, if...

It's not really important,

but you see,
my husband likes me to dress for dinner.

But if you didn't dress, he couldn't,

and if he couldn't,
then of course, I wouldn't.

How simple and charming
you make everything.

- May I say something?
- Oh, please.

Go ahead, belinski.

"This royal throne of kings,
this scepter'd isle.

This other Eden, Demi-paradise.

This land of such dear souls,
this dear, dear land.

This blessed plot, this earth,
this realm, this england."

To Shakespeare.

How well you speak english, professor.

Flows right out of him.

English is the universal tongue.

That's what I call clear thinking.

As a young man, my dear parents
sent me on a tour round the world.

I left speaking english,
came back speaking english.

Never spoke a word of anything else
the whole time.

English is my husband's hobby.

Yes, my husband enjoyed traveling.

You know I didn't, darling.

I went to St. Petersburg and saw the czar.

I went to constantinople
and saw the sultan.

And when I got home, I took a good look
at the first London Bobby I saw

and thanked my stars.

If a man has a home,
he should stick to it.

Now, I'm a natural Cosmopolitan.

If one never gets out of one's own
country, one becomes quite pot-bound.

Personally, I should like
to spend several months abroad.

Mm-mmm. Hmm?

Mm-mmm. “What?

Don't take that piece, sir.
This one on the right, much better.

What?

It hasn't so much fat
and it's browner and bigger.

You won't regret it, sir.

Nuts to the squirrels.

I'm very sorry, milady.

Outrageous, preposterous,
strikes me speechless.

A maid choosing my mutton for me.

- She will be dismissed immediately, sir.
- One moment, sir Henry.

You took the piece she suggested.
May I ask you why?

Uh... because the other piece
had a blob of fat on it.

And this one is browner, leaner,
and bigger, and you liked it better.

And hang it all, it's just not done.

What a pity.
It should have been done long ago.

Does it occur to you that for generations,

the lords of carmel have probably eaten
the wrong piece of mutton?

That's a very interesting way
of looking at it.

Besides, it's so difficult to get
domestics to come to the country nowadays.

Well, she needn't have dropped the platter
and insulted my friend.

What was it she said to you?

I remember very well, sir.

It was, if I may take the Liberty
of repeating it, "nuts to the squirrels.”

Doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't.
It should be, "squirrels to the nuts."

But I have an open mind,

and if someone says to me,
"nuts to the squirrels,” I accept it.

You may be inclined to say that to me
yourself someday, when you know me better,

and I'm not so sure
you will include the squirrels.

That's much too deep for me, belinski.

If I may say so, milady, the sooner
the young woman is dismissed, the better.

Oh, please, Mr. syrette,

I know that in the policies
of the kitchen,

the balance of power rests with you.

I also know that as a guardian
of english customs and traditions,

this young woman has offended
your sensibilities.

But permit me to quote someone

to whom everything english
was all so dear.

"The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle rain
from heaven."

To Shakespeare.

I've never seen my husband so stimulated.

Well, he's a very stimulating man himself.

Yes, he is. I hope you'll be comfortable.

Syrette will valet you.

Dear lady carmel,
I have so little to offer a valet.

But would you mind letting syrette?

So as not to hurt his feelings.

Very well. I have two suits.
This and Andrew's dinner jacket.

They're both at syrette's disposal.

Thank you.
I hope you sleep well, professor.

By the way,
there's a nightingale under your window.

You should not have gone
to so much trouble.

- Good night, professor.
- Good night, lady carmel.

"Dear uncle amn...

I served...

My first... dinner... tonight.

Mutton."

Oh, uncle Arn.

Good evening, cluny.

Cluny, I'm so sorry I upset you.

How do you do, Mr. belinski?

For heaven's sake, how did you get here?

To friars carmel of all places.
Tell me, what happened?

It's all uncle Arn.

You remember my uncle, don't you?

Yes.

But what's the use?
Here I am in a uniform.

Oh, Mr. belinski.

Oh, now, now, cluny.

Look at me, I'm here, too,
and I haven't even got an uncle.

And after all, you are at least a maid.

I'm only a guest.

And I will have to wear a uniform, too,
a dinner jacket.

But I don't want to be a maid all my life.

I'll go on and on dropping platters,

putting hot water bottles into cold beds,

and having Wednesday afternoon off
in the village,

where the cinema opens only at night.

What about me, cluny?

I'm a city man.
I love cars and traffic and lights.

Smoke in my lungs.

What have I got? A big-mouthed nightingale
right under my window.

It's so good to talk to someone
who's out of place too.

Yes, cluny. Talk to me at any time.

- Open your heart to me.
- Ditto.

Oh, Mr. belinski!

Please forgive me, Mr. belinski.
I don't know what came over me.

It isn't as if you were my type.
Believe me, you aren't.

I'm sure I'm not. I understand perfectly.

You were just happy to find a friend here,
and so am I.

We must go on being friends.

As we are not our types,
that should be easy.

You know,
we're like two people on a desert island,

waiting for a ship to rescue us.

That's right, cluny, but, um...

You know how it is on a desert island.

You wait and wait,
and then you don't wait anymore.

Cluny brown, let's admit it,
we're in danger.

Today we are not our types,
but as time passes,

we might not look so bad to each other.

If we are at friars carmel long enough,
who knows?

You might even find me tolerable,

and I might find you the most beautiful
creature in the whole county.

It's not much of a county,
but that's all we'll have.

Oh, no, that must never happen,
Mr. belinski.

You must never become a victim
of my circumstances,

and if you should ever seem
romantic to me,

don't hesitate, just kick me.

- Yes. Let's kick each other.
- It's a pact.

- I feel so safe.
- Good.

Well, I think I'd better go now.

Why don't you use the stairs?

Excellent idea.

I can't thank you enough.
Ah, I feel so much better.

- Have a good night's sleep, cluny.
- I think I will.

How lucky that we met in that flat.

I wish I were back there right now.

I wish I could roll up my sleeves,
roll down my stockings,

and unloosen the joint.

Bang, bang, bang.

Well, I think I'll go to my room now

and let the nightingale bang me to sleep.

- Good night, cluny.
- Good night.

Well, Mrs. maile?

I agree with you, Mr. syrette, but then,

it's so difficult to get girls
to come to the country.

What do you expect?

A maid without references,

and a foreigner who isn't even
in the diplomatic service.

I hesitated to tell you,
but now I believe I should.

This foreign gentleman Rose at dinner
and addressed me directly.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, Mrs. maile.

Sir Henry and lady carmel's guest
spoke to me as an equal.

- Good night, Mr. syrette.
- Good night, Mrs. maile.

Good afternoon, constable.

- Good afternoon, birkins.
- Mr. pentlock.

Cluny.

Oh, hello, Mr. belinski.

Just look at you,

violets on your shoulders,
roses in your cheeks,

and a garden on your head.

- What's the occasion?
- Don't you know?

- It's your birthday.
- No.

It isn't my birthday, is it?

Mr. belinski,
don't you know what day this is?

- I've lost count.
- It's Wednesday.

Is it?

Mr. belinski, it's my day off,
from 3:00 to 7:00.

Of course. Perfect.

No wonder I've always loved wednesdays.

From 3:00 to 7:00,
four hours all to ourselves.

Two hundred and forty minutes,
and if you think of it in seconds...

I'll cancel all my engagements.
In fact, I'll ignore them.

Cluny, the village is ours.

Well, it's awfully sweet of you,
Mr. belinski,

but I think I should tell you,
something has happened.

- What?
- Mrs. maile suffers from rheumatism.

- You haven't caught it, have you?
- Oh, no.

But you see, if Mrs. maile hadn't sent me

to the chemist's shop
for pear tree's liniment,

I might never have met Mr. Wilson,
the chemist.

That's the way things happen. Think of it.

Mrs. maile's swollen knee
might change my whole life.

Is it as bad as that, cluny?

Well, I don't know.

What would you think
if a gentleman invited you to tea

and to meet his mother too?

I wouldn't go.

But I've already accepted.
I'm certain I did the right thing.

I'm sure you did.

You know, Mr. Wilson's the only chemist
around here for miles and miles.

It's so exciting to meet a man
who's surrounded by hundreds of bottles,

and every one of them life or death.

Mr. Wilson hinted
when we get better acquainted,

he might let me watch him
make up a prescription.

This is confidential.

Your secret will be buried with me.

Well, cluny,
it looks as if your ship has come in.

The glass of beer I was going to offer you
seems awfully flat

beside all those bottles and phials,
filled with magic.

Well, have a good time, my dear.

Thank you.

- Goodbye, Mr. belinski.
- Goodbye, cluny.

Now, let us repeat it once again,
Mrs. Watkins.

Tilt master Richard's head back
and squeeze one drop of the astringent

into each nostril three times a day.

Miss brown.

You're sure his nose will stop running,
Mr. Wilson?

Mrs. Watkins, it may interest you to know

that after the use of one bottle
of my nasal bath,

the Marquis of barrocamir,
a distinguished speaker,

was for the first time clearly understood

when he addressed
the house of lords last week.

- Two shillings, please.
- Thank you, Mr. Wilson.

Come, Richard.

- Good afternoon, miss brown.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Wilson.

Well, miss brown,
I could relish a crumpet or two. And you?

- Ditto.
- Then shall we step into the parlor?

Mr. Wilson, didn't you notice anything?

Notice what?

The way I look.

Well, I remarked about it
the last time I saw you.

I said you looked intelligent.

Oh, no, that's not what I mean.

Here, the garden on my head.

Mm, well, I don't object to it myself,

but my mother might think
it a little frivolous.

On.

- Then I'd better take it off.
- Thank you. I hope you understand.

I do. I should have been satisfied
to look intelligent.

Then, uh, shall we?

What an elegant room!

Well, it's not Buckingham Palace,

but it's Wilson's little castle.

You might enjoy looking at this picture,
miss brown.

It's painted by hand.

Poor little sheep.
It hasn't much future, has it?

Just mutton.

And where would england be without it?

If I was a sheep,
I should be proud to serve the empire.

Now, miss brown,
would you like to know where you are?

Yes, I would.

Then let us have a glance
at the map of our valley.

Just look at that.

Are they battle flags?

Not exactly a battle,
miss brown,

but a victory, nevertheless.

This is where I was born,

and this is where we are
at this very moment.

And this is where I intend to remain
for the rest of my life.

Here in this very house.

You have everything so perfectly planned.

- What if the house burns down?
- I've considered that too.

It won't. I've taken every precaution.

You may have noticed
the lightning rod on the roof.

Moulton's imperial pinpoint,
the very best.

And if I should ever be blessed
with little Wilsons...

I should expect Mrs. Wilson
to keep matches away from them.

That isn't asking too much, is it?

Oh, no.

I think that's the least Mr. Wilson
could expect from Mrs. Wilson.

Now I shall call my mother.

However, if in spite of all my provisions,
a slight Blaze should occur,

it may reassure you to know

that I am chief of the friars carmel
volunteer fire department.

Oh, Mr. Wilson, you aren't!

I am.

It would be almost worth a fire
to see you in action.

Thank you, miss brown.

Mother?

Mother?

Mother's been resting.

Mother, I want you to meet our guest,
miss brown.

And now, miss brown,
if you have no objection,

I shall play something on the harmonium.

You play the harmonium too?

Is there anything you don't do,
Mr. Wilson?

You have your choice,

"sweet Alice Ben bolt"
or "flow gently, sweet afton."

They're both so beautiful.

I wish you'd decide for me, Mr. Wilson.

Then shall we say "sweet Alice"
and maybe "sweet afton" as an encore?

Ready, miss brown?

Oh, a client.

I'm awfully glad you finished the song
before the bell rang.

I should have finished it in any case.

You think I'm going out to attend
to the client at once, don't you?

- Well, aren't you?
- No. No, indeed.

It is the privilege
of a successful establishment

to keep the client on edge.

He's so grateful when you do arrive.

I'm glad you're so responsive to music,
miss brown.

When you were playing,
it did something to me.

I saw you in your fireman's hat,

climbing up a steep ladder
and saving a child.

It was all so beautiful and brave.

Thank you, miss brown.

I remember now.
I have a client, haven't I?

Excuse me.

Yes. What can I...

Hello? Hello?

Outrageous!

Mother's taken a great liking to you.

How do you know? She didn't say anything.

That's the point.
Mother doesn't waste words on flattery.

If she speaks, it's to correct faults.

On.

I like your mother too.

Once or twice,
I thought she was going to smile at me.

She likes to see a young lady
who doesn't put stuff on her face.

If I may say so, so do I.

Well, it wouldn't do me any good.

I tried it, but I look worse.

They all look worse,
only they haven't the sense to know it.

Oh, it's Mr. belinski.
Hello, Mr. belinski.

Hello, cluny brown.

Mr. belinski,
this is Mr. Wilson, the chemist.

- Uh, how do you do?
- How do you do?

Mr. belinski's staying at friars carmel.

A friend or relative of Mrs. maile
or Mr. syrette, I suppose?

Oh, no. He's a guest
of sir Henry and lady carmel.

A guest?

A guest is not ordinarily aware
of the existence of a maid.

- That's what troubled you, wasn't it?
- Exactly, sir.

We understand each other, don't we?

Thank you, sir.

Well, you see, we at friars carmel

do not consider miss brown
merely as a maid.

No. We are very proud of our cluny
and interested in her welfare.

And, above all, in her friends.

Naturally. I understand, sir.

Seven o'clock, miss brown.

Yes. How time flies.

Yes, it does.

But we must learn to fly with it.

You're going to be a bit late,

and I certainly don't want to
make a bad impression on Mrs. maile.

Well, I'd better lope along.

- Goodbye, Mr. Wilson.
- Goodbye, miss brown.

Thanks for a wonderful afternoon
and "sweet Alice Ben bolt."

A very worthy young lady.

- I'd like a word with you, Mr. Wilson.
- I'm at your disposal, sir.

Mr. Wilson, I presume that you have
weighed your intentions toward miss brown

as carefully as you weigh
the contents of a pill.

I assure you, sir,
I am not the sort of man

who would invite a young lady for tea

merely to while away an afternoon.

I must admit I was worried about cluny,
but you have relieved my fears.

Mr. Wilson, you couldn't have prescribed
a better sedative than yourself.

- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Not at all.

- Good night, Mr. Wilson.
- Good night, sir.

Oh, Mr. Wilson.

- Yes, sir?
- You don't drink, do you?

- Oh, no, sir.
- Good.

Sit down, cluny. Now, look here, cluny.

I know we have a pact.
Now let me tell you something about pacts.

Pacts are made for two reasons.

One, to be kept, two, to be broken.

Now, now,
I don't say let's break our pact.

On the other hand,
I'm not suggesting that we keep it.

- Hello, cluny.
- Hello, Mr. belinski.

- I came as soon as I could.
- Sit down, cluny.

How do you like Mr. Wilson?
Do you still think my ship has arrived?

Look here, cluny. Out there is an ocean.

On the ocean is a boat, braving the storm
and battling the billows.

But in a quiet harbor,
there is a freighter.

Its engine is turned off,
no smoke comes out of its funnel.

Nothing could ever budge it,
neither wind nor wave.

That's Mr. Wilson.

I'm so glad you like him.

Do you know, Mr. belinski,
when I sat in his parlor,

and everything cozy
and peaceful and so homey,

and Mr. Wilson playing the harmonium,
I got all choked up.

For the first time,

I really felt what it must be like
to have a place.

And then his mother started to snore.

You liked that?

Not just the snoring,

but because she was a mother.

You see, I'm an orphan,
and I've never heard my mother snore.

But you're happy now.

That's all that matters.

Mr. belinski, it's so selfish of me
to talk only about myself.

But I'm sure someday
your ship will come in too.

Don't worry about me.

If it doesn't come... I'm a good swimmer.

I almost forgot your hot water bottle.

But I'm sure you won't need it
on a warm night like this.

Yes, yes, I'm afraid I do.
I feel a little chilly.

It may get colder
before the night is over.

- Thank you, cluny.
- Thank you, Mr. belinski.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Yes?

Outrageous!

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Wilson.

- Well!
- Professor belinski.

- Andrew.
- What are you doing here?

Just clearing the streets
for your arrival.

Well, I'm glad to see you, Andrew.
How are you?

Better now that I'm out of London.

How is Betty cream?

I never want to hear
that woman's name again.

She isn't worth a man's time or energy.
No woman is.

They're all impossible, harebrained,
self-centered, insensitive, idiotic...

By George,
the first woman that comes near me...

They'd better stay away
if they know what's good for them.

That's my last word.

You're right, Andrew. Women are no good.

Except as women.

By jove, you've said something, professor.

I must remember that.

How are you?
I've neglected you shamefully.

What's been going on?
Have you noticed anything suspicious?

Anything that looks like a Nazi?

Well, there is one particular cow,
a brindle,

who gave me a nasty look once or twice.

That's belinski for you,
tossing it over your shoulder like that.

But I won't let you.
You may not value your life, but I do.

I have nothing else on my mind now.

I can devote my undivided attention
to you from now on.

Frankly, I'm going to be a pest.
Someday the world will thank me for it.

Andrew, I thank you for it right now.

But if you would only listen to me.

I've tried to tell you so many times.

I'm not in danger.

You're not in danger?

Well, naturally, I am...

That's more like it.

But so are all my countrymen.

So are all englishmen,
you, your father, the whole world.

Yes, yes, of course.
But everyone is not Adam belinski.

You're in special danger.

Oh, Andrew, you're so good to me,
I wish I were.

Of course, I had a bad time of it
until I reached england.

I'll bet you did.

And, mind you,
I may have a bad time of it again

if they ever publish my book,
here or in America.

- What's holding it up?
- The publishers.

- The cads!
- So you see?

There is a lull,
as far as danger is concerned.

Now, why don't we take advantage
of the lull and relax?

- Shall we?
- No.

No. I won't relax.

I'm going to write another letter
to 7he times.

Good.

No. No, I'll join the raf.

Better, join the raf.
Rise above the times.

- Don't say anything to mother.
- Not a word.

Morning, darling.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Why, that's Betty cream.
What's she doing here?

She came this morning for the weekend.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- What do you care?

- You're through with women.
- Betty!

- Hello, darling.
- Why did you come here?

- Your mother invited me.
- Why did you accept?

- I didn't want to refuse.
- That doesn't make sense.

Doesn't it?

Did you know you were coming here
when I saw you last night?

- Of course.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you didn't ask me.

How was I to know you'd have the nerve
to come here after the row we had?

Did we have a row? I don't remember.

This is too much. We had a row
that all London is talking about,

the kind that London won't forget
for a long time.

But what's a row to you? Nothing!

You haven't the decency
to acknowledge we had one.

I don't want to hurt you, darling.

If we ever have a row again,
do tell me we're having one,

so we may have a long, long chat
about it afterward.

- Onh, rot.
- See you later, darling.

Come on, girl. Come on.

That's letting her have it, old boy.

Well, she asked for it.

Think of it,
one day some man's going to marry her.

Decent chap, probably. Poor devil.

There's only one thing I can say for her,
she sits a horse well. Hang it.

Yes?

How much did I lose at backgammon
this morning?

- Three pounds six?
- I think so.

Here it is.

One pound, one pound ten, two pounds.

Three pounds.
One, two, three, four, five, six.

Nice fellow, this Andrew.

Oh, I see.
You came to tell me all about Andrew.

No. I came to talk to you
about cluny brown.

Cluny brown?

I suppose you've never even noticed her.

- Ought I?
- Let me ask you something.

Who do you think unpacked
your three suitcases,

two hat boxes, one overnight case?

Who put away your golf bag,
your tennis rackets? Hmm?

Elves, gnomes, midgets?

I see. Cluny brown.

I was just about to ring for her
to help me off with my boots.

I'll do it.

As I remember,
this cluny is a sweet little thing.

A bit talkative.

Did she say anything about me?

I'm sure she did, professor.

But then, she talked about everything.

Miss cream, you have the most charming
way of tossing bouquets

just as if they were bricks.

I like you.

And you do sit a horse well, hang it.

Shall we get back to cluny brown?

Hmm? Oh, all right.

Well, you see,
miss brown wants the evening off

to attend a birthday celebration.

How exciting.

Now, here's the situation as it stands.

Mrs. maile and Mr. syrette are willing
to excuse her from serving dinner.

Well, then everything's settled, isn't it?

Not quite.

Remember,
miss brown is also your personal maid.

Now, the question arises, miss cream,

can you get in and out of your clothes
without breaking your neck?

That, I don't know.

Try it, will you?
My little lamb, my sweet.

And if you should break your pretty
little neck, just yell "belinski."

And if you promise not to come,
miss brown may have the whole night off.

- Thank you, miss cream.
- A pleasure, Mr. belinski.

Cluny, the evening is yours.

Mr. belinski, you are a friend.

It's not only Mrs. Wilson's birthday,

but things have sort of been happening.

- Why, cluny.
- Yes, they have.

Mr. Wilson has spoken
to his mother about me.

I'm sure she approved of you.

Well, anyhow, she didn't say no.

Well, that's very encouraging.

And then Mr. Wilson asked his aunt
and Mr. latham, his solicitor,

and everybody he possibly could ask -

oh, no. That's just it.
You see, he might tonight.

Or he might not. That's the suspense.

Oh...

And so romantic, cluny.

Mr. belinski, I...

Oh, no. I can't tell you. Hmm?

What? Well, you're not keeping secrets
from me, are you?

Well, all right, then.

I had a dream last night.

But don't tell Mr. Wilson.

Does he forbid you to dream?

Forbid? How could...

Oh, no.
But you see, Mr. Wilson's so sensible.

And I don't think he'd object to dreams
as long as they were sensible.

But I dreamed about you.

- Cluny, you did?
- Mm-hmm.

You don't know how wonderful
you looked in a fez

and how you rode
that black Arabian stallion.

Whee! You just burned up the sands.

And you swooped me up off the desert

and sat me right in front of you
in the saddle.

My, did we sit a horse well.

Tell me, cluny. Did I take you to my tent?

You were taking me somewhere.

But I remembered our pact just in time
and kicked myself.

And took the kick right out of the dream.

Mr. belinski,
do you wish I'd gone to your tent?

No, cluny.
You did the right thing. I have no tent.

Not in the desert nor anywhere.

Well, you'd better run along now.
Good luck.

Same to you.

Mother, friends,

as the romans so aptly put it,
"tempora mutantur.”

That is to say, times change.

Sixty-five years ago,
mother wasn't even here.

And today she has been here 65 years.

Tempora certainly do mutantur.

Thank you.

But before we examine
those 65 well-spent years,

let me thank you all who came
to celebrate this joyous occasion.

You, Mr. snaffle, Mrs. snaffle,
miss snaffle,

Mr. tupham, Mrs. tupham, and Mr. latham.

Perhaps you noticed
that I am guilty of an omission.

But when you hear later what I have
to say, or better, to announce,

concerning a young lady not too far away,

I am sure you will agree that sometimes
an omission is an admission.

I didn't do it. It's the plumbing.
I just turned on the tap.

- It's the plumbing, mama.
- Don't say that.

- But it was.
- Sit down and be quiet.

Uh, let's go on. Sixty-five years -

Sixty-five years of useful service -

I can fix it.

I beg your pardon.

Some of you might not know it,
but I'm a plumber's niece.

Just give me a hammer and a wrench
and I'll show you.

I'll get it, miss cluny.
I know where they are.

Miss cluny, I wish you wouldn't.

There's nothing to it.

It won't take more than five minutes,

and then nothing will interrupt
your announcement.

I might not cook the best tripe
and onions in england,

but whoever gets me
won't have to worry about his plumbing.

There you are, miss cluny.

If it's a joint,
a couple of bangs might do it.

If not, we'll try something else.

Hooray! She did it. I saw it.
It's running.

That's my birthday gift to your mother,
Mr. Wilson.

Mrs. Wilson, I -

Good night, Mrs. Wilson.

- Good night.
- Good night, Mrs. Wilson.

Mother, why - - shh.

What's the matter? Is your mother ill?

No. Mother just wanted to be excused.

- Goodness me, it's getting late.
- Yes. We really must be going.

- Yes.
- Quite late.

Thank you very much
for a delightful evening.

I hope it wasn't too much for your mother,
my boy.

I hope not.

Good night, Mr. Wilson.

Good night, Mr. Wilson.

Good night, Mr. Wilson.

Good night, Mr. Wilson.

Good night, Mr. Wilson.

Thanks for letting me watch, cluny.

You were a great help.

Come on, Ronald.

Did I do something wrong?

I wish I hadn't seen what I saw.

But I was only trying to help.

I'd rather not discuss anything
till you make yourself presentable.

What does one do with a woman like you?

One feels like a fool and gets out.

In a hurry, professor.

A good beating. That's what I ought to do.

Give you a good beating.

Mmm, sounds very tempting,

but unfortunately I've been brought up
to resist temptation.

Now will you take your primitive instincts
out of my room,

or shall I scream?

Why are you so vicious
to my friend Andrew?

Oh, I see.

This time you came to talk about Andrew.

And I thought it was a personal call.

You're sure it isn't, professor?

Miss cream,
you hold no attraction for me whatever.

- None.
- Really?

That creamy complexion, those blue eyes...

Those rounded shoulders, those...

Well, I assure you,
all this means very little to me.

- How little?
- Not much.

Then why is your hair so carefully combed?

And why do you smell
like a perfume salesman?

Hmm?

Well?

- It is me, isn't it?
- I'm afraid it is.

I must have smeared
a lot of stuff on my hair.

I usually don't do that.
Now, why did I do it now?

I wonder why.

That would be an interesting problem
for a psychoanalyst.

I could have sworn I came here
for no other reason

than to speak for a friend.

Now, is it possible that when I reached
for the brilliantine,

way down deep in my subconscious,

I was reaching for something else?

Betty, I'm beginning to doubt my motives.

I wish you'd get out,
and I don't mean subconsciously.

Well, good night.

Betty, why are you so nasty to Andrew?

- I'll scream.
- Why should you, Betty?

Wake up the whole house?
Distress everybody?

Can't you ever think of anybody
but yourself?

Doesn't it occur to you that you could
make someone else happy?

- What's happened?
- Shh.

Syrette, maile, you needn't wait.
Good night.

- Good night, milady.
- Good night, milady.

- I want to know what happened.
- Well, I'm sorry.

I was looking for the bathroom,
and I mistook the door.

Then what are you doing with those books?

Yes. What am I doing with these books?

That would be an interesting case
for a psychoanalyst.

- I could have sworn -
- I'm so sorry, lady carmel.

I heard my door open and thought
it was a burglar, and so I screamed.

Yes. That can easily happen in strange
houses, getting the doors mixed.

Dear me, what an exciting evening.

- Good night again, professor.
- Good night, lady carmel.

My profoundest regrets.
Good night, Andrew.

Andrew, I want you to promise me
to go right to bed.

Please.

Very well, mother. Good night.

- May I come in, my dear?
- Of course, lady carmel.

- Get back into bed, Elizabeth.
- Yes, lady carmel.

You know, my dear,
you ought to get married.

Do you think so, lady carmel?

Quite definitely, my dear.

Yes, lady carmel.

- You're going to marry Andrew?
- Yes, lady carmel.

Then I think you should tell him so
because he's getting quite nervous.

- I'll tell him tomorrow.
- Thank you, Elizabeth.

Now go to sleep,

and tomorrow we'll have a long talk,
especially about the gardens,

because they're all planned
three years ahead.

Yes, lady carmel.

- Good night, dear.
- Good night.

Oh, there you are.

I want a word with you, belinski.

Sit down. Have some breakfast.

I don't feel like breakfast today.

Sit down anyhow.

I want to talk to you, man-to-man.

- Have you seen Andrew this morning?
- No.

You're in for a surprise.
He'll bowl you over.

Really?

Belinski, he's not a boy anymore.

Two-fisted man overnight.
Scared the wind out of me.

You're the kindest people in the world.

Did you know who did it?

That fellow you're running away from.

- What fellow?
- That fellow, what's-his-name, Hitler.

Good heavens.
What else happened last night?

- Was war declared?
- No, no. But Andrew thinks it will be.

That's why he barged
into my room this morning and said,

"I'm joining the raf and don't make
a fuss, I've made up my mind."

- Never talked to me like that before.
- The raf.

Well, I think I'll have some breakfast.

No, sir Henry. I know Hitler.

- Oh, yes, he's written a book, hasn't he?
- Yes.

- Big success, isn't it?
- Very big.

What more does he want?
Why doesn't he lie down and keep quiet?

Well, if you really want to know,
sir Henry, read the book.

Sort of an outdoor book. What's it called?

Oh, yes, my camp.

The old German idea of sport.
Not your kind of sport.

Sir Henry, there will be war,
it's inevitable.

Well, then I'm glad Andrew's joining up.

We carmels have never shirked our duty.

No englishman has or ever will.

We'll see this thing through.
We'll show that blighter.

It's good to see you angry, sir Henry.

Stay angry
and everything will be all right.

Henry, have you ever seen such roses?
Good morning, professor.

- Good morning, lady carmel, miss cream.
- Good morning, professor belinski.

- Good morning, Andrew.
- Morning.

Oh, professor.

You've heard the good news
about Betty and Andrew?

You may congratulate us.
We're going to be married.

Imagine all this going on last night,
Adam,

and we slept through it all
like a couple of babes.

I wish you all happiness.

- You're both very lucky.
- Thank you, professor.

I'm glad this happened
while I'm still here.

Lady carmel, I was going to look for you.
I'm leaving.

- What? Who's leaving?
- I am, sir Henry.

I know it's rather sudden,
but I must get back to London.

It's most urgent.

- You're coming back right away?
- I wish I could -

but you are coming back?

Now, Henry,
we must leave that to the professor.

We're very sorry to see you go.

So am I, lady carmel.

But hang it all, it took me quite
some time to learn to say "belinski."

And now that I can say it...

No, Adam, this is beastly selfish of you.

- Oh, professor, I want a word with you.
- Please, Andrew.

- Andrew.
- You're right, Andrew.

Give him a good dressing-down.
Tell him what's what.

I intend to, father. Professor?

You weren't looking for the bathroom door
last night, professor.

You don't believe it?

I didn't believe it last night.
I don't believe it now.

I don't believe it either.

But if I should tell you I went
into miss cream's room last night -

- in a dressing gown.
- Your dressing gown.

- That doesn't matter.
- All right.

- Forget the dressing gown.
- I won't.

Dressing gown or no dressing gown,

if I should tell you I went
into miss cream's room last night

to talk about you, would you believe that?

- Would you?
- No. But I did.

- Professor...
- Yes, my friend.

I have great respect for you as a writer,
as a philosopher, as a man of principle.

Thank you.

But I'm going to knock you down. Sorry.

So am I. Well...

Let's get it over with.

The sooner the better.

Just a moment.
Shouldn't we remove this vase?

Oh, yes. It's mother's favorite.
That's very thoughtful of you, professor.

Not at all.

Thank you.

- You ready?
- Yes, my friend.

All right. Wait a minute.

- How much do I owe you?
- I don't know. It doesn't matter.

It does. If anything should happen to you,
I want to be sure of how much I owe you.

Uh, let's see.
You lent me 20 pounds in London.

Oh, forget it.

What kind of a man do you think I am?
Forget 20 pounds?

And the four pounds you lent me yesterday?

The three shillings
I found in your dinner jacket?

- Are we gonna have this out or aren't we?
- Indeed we are.

But I want you to know
that I'm fighting under a handicap.

The fact that I have to hit a man
who lent me 24 pounds three shillings

may slow me up badly.

Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

But I want to be fair.

Now, I'm not trying to scare you,

but I think you ought to know

that I was once the lightweight champion
of all czechoslovakia.

You should know
I was middleweight champion

of all Oxford and Cambridge.

Middleweight, eh?

- Pretty warm, isn't it?
- Rather.

Andrew?

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

What are you hiding?

I'm sorry, but this doesn't concern you.

Why, Andrew carmel,
are we starting out with a secret?

Is this the kind of marriage
we're going to have?

Darling, trust me. Please trust me.

Darling, if I trust you now,
I'll always have to trust you and I won't.

Now, what have you got behind your back?

I suppose you think it's foolish of me
to lend the professor 50 pounds.

Foolish? Give him 100 pounds, 200, 300.

Wait a minute.
I'm very fond of the professor,

but after all,
walking into your room like that.

Thank heaven he did.

If I hadn't screamed last night,
we wouldn't be engaged today.

You always behaved so well,
I might have died an old maid.

You're so right, Betty.
We all behave too well.

We never do the wrong thing
at the right time.

I think one is quite enough.
Come along, darling.

Brown feels worse.
She said it's gone into her stomach now.

She says if it was only a pain like you
get after eating a whole plum pudding,

she wouldn't mind.

But she says it's more like
swallowing a Monday morning.

She - - that's enough.

- Go upstairs and do the beds.
- Yes.

Really, brown never
should have had last night off.

She should have been dismissed long ago.

Her handling of the China
has been sinister.

I will say, though,
she's clean and willing enough.

I don't mean to be harsh, Mrs. maile.

I don't say she clipped the cupid's wing
on the punch bowl deliberately,

but it's clipped, Mrs. maile.

And what about
the master's hunting trophies?

I shall never forget the day she dusted
the left eye out of sir Henry's moose.

No, Mrs. maile,

she was not born with the instincts
and talents of a second maid.

You're so right, Mr. syrette, so right.

One is born to things or one isn't.

I remember when I was a little girl,
I used to say to my Dolly,

"did you ring, your ladyship?
Shall I bring your tea, milady?"

Mrs. maile, 15 years ago,
when I saw you for the first time,

you were removing the crumbs
from lady carmel's bed

with such earnestness.

Crumb by crumb.

I knew instantly you had the spark.

- Thank you, Mr. syrette.
- Not at all, Mrs. maile.

Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.

Please forgive the intrusion.

I have been to the village,
done some shopping.

I came to say goodbye. I'm leaving.

Indeed, sir?

I will miss you, syrette.

And so will my one suit, very much indeed.

You know,
you brought glamour into its sordid life.

You creased and increased
its self-respect.

You gave it hope.

- Thank you, Mr. syrette.
- Thank you, sir.

- Shall I pack your things?
- That would be very kind.

This is for you, Mrs. maile. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Where's cluny?
I have a little something for her.

- Brown's indisposed.
- Oh?

- Nothing serious, I hope.
- Oh, no.

I'm afraid the birthday party
was too much for her.

Oh, I see.

Don't you think
she's a fortunate girl, sir?

It isn't often a person in her place
attracts a man like Mr. Wilson.

Yes, indeed, a man like Mr. Wilson.

- Shall I call her? I'm sure it's okay.
- Oh, no, no. Please.

Don't, no.
No, it's... it's better like this.

Will you be kind enough
to give her this for me?

And tell her please that
I'm so happy her ship has come in.

And that I wish her bon voyage
with all my heart.

Bon voyage. I'll tell her, sir.

But should she ever feel unhappy,

tell her just to close her eyes and say,

"squirrels to the nuts."

You will remember that, won't you?

If she's ever unhappy,
she's to close her eyes and say...

- "Nuts to the squirrels."
- No, no, no, no.

"Squirrels to the nuts."

"Squirrels to the nuts."

- Very good, sir.
- Goodbye, Mrs. maile.

Goodbye, sir.

- Goodbye, lady carmel.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, professor.

- Goodbye, Andrew.
- Goodbye, professor.

- Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye.

Look here, Adam, we're going to write
each other, aren't we?

Certainly.

None of your puny
"hello and how are you?" Letters,

but something solid, not under five pages.

- Something you can get your teeth into.
- Definitely, sir Henry.

Adam, what's your address?

Just, uh...

"Belinski, London."

I'll remember that.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Good chap, that.

Great man.

General delivery.

So appreciative of everything.

How he loved the nightingale
under his window.

Mr. belinski! Mr. belinski!

Where's Mr. belinski?
He's just gone.

I didn't have a chance
to say goodbye to him.

Just look what he gave me.
Black stockings, silk stockings.

The feet are silk and so is the top.

Mr. belinski! Mr. belinski!

All right.

Mr. belinski!

Mr. belinski!

- Cluny!
- Mr. belinski.

I want to thank you. They're beautiful.

Why didn't you say goodbye to me?

You know we might never
see each other again.

Yes, I know, cluny.

It's kind of awful to think of.

Yes. It is awful, but...

How is Mr. Wilson?

He's better.

Was he sick?

No, he was upset about his mother.

What's the matter with her?

She was upset about me.

Mr. belinski,
I disgraced myself last night.

Everybody thought so.

Mr. snaffle, Mrs. snaffle,
and especially Mr. latham.

What did you do, cluny?

Well, you know what plumbing does to me.

Just can't keep my hands off it.
And I didn't last night.

I don't blame Mr. Wilson.

You know, Mr. belinski,
men just don't marry plumbers.

Mr. Wilson had a long talk with me
afterwards.

He told me what he thought of me.

Some of it was in Latin.

He said,
with his standing in the community,

he cannot afford a wife
who is subject to impulses,

either to pipes or to himself.

That was when he banged on the table.

Now, you'll believe everything is over
between us, wouldn't you?

Well, it isn't.
Mr. Wilson is a very generous man.

He's going to ask his mother
to give me another chance.

That's very kind, isn't it?

No one could expect more.

So, if everything turns out all right,
I might still be Mrs. Jonathan Wilson.

That is,
if I don't behave foolishly again.

And I won't.

I'm certainly going to watch myself.

One can't be foolish
and have a place in life, can one?

Get in.

Get in.

Where are we going, Mr. belinski?

General delivery.

- Are you expecting a letter?
- Always.

That's what's so wonderful
about general delivery.

Letters pour into it, millions of them.

Greetings from all over the world.

Ah, you know, I've passed it many times,
and I've never thought of that.

You do make one see things.

And among all those millions of letters,
there might be one for...

For us, cluny.

It might be very disappointing,
but it might be good news.

It might come from America.

Mr. belinski,
you sound as though you like me.

Cluny, if I were rich, I would build you
the most beautiful mansion,

with the most exquisite
and complicated plumbing.

And right in the middle
of the most elegant housewarming party,

I would hand you a hammer and say,
"ladies and gentlemen,

madame cluny belinski
is about to put the pipes in their place.”

Madame belinski.
That's as good as Mrs. belinski, isn't it?

Take off that silly cap.

Take off that apron.

You will never have to serve
three meals a day again.

On the other hand,
you might not have three meals a day.

- Sometimes maybe only one.
- And sometimes maybe only none.

I don't care, so long as we
eat it together, Mr. belinski.

Just for that,
we're going to have three meals a day,

with hors d'oeuvres and champagne,
and shacks between.

Know what you've done to me?

I was going to write a book,
morality versus expediency.

With luck, I might have made
barely enough money for myself.

But now, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to write a best seller.

- A murder mystery.
- A murder mystery?

- What's it going to be about?
- A murder.

A man gets murdered.
“Who's the man?

- A rich man.
- Oh, yes.

- There's no use murdering a poor man.
- How right you are.

You see how well we work together?

- Who killed him? Who did it?
- For 365 pages, I will not know myself.

But when on page 366 it finally comes out,

will I be surprised,
and so would millions of others.

Cluny, this book will make enough money
for both of us.

But Mr. belinski,
what if there should be three of us?

Then I'll write a sequel.
But why limit ourselves?

I'll write a serial.

I don't think I'll have much time
for plumbing.