Clunkers (2011) - full transcript

Cheryl:
So let me get this straight,

-your boyfriend, Bobby--
-Hailey: No, Ryan.

Oh Ryan, okay. Your boyfriend,
Ryan, went to the movies

with another woman,

and the other guy
you were seeing saw him.

Hailey: Bobby, yeah. I know,
can you believe the nerve?

-Like, him cheating on me.
-Cheryl: Right.

I don't know what I did
to deserve it.

I was up crying all night,
last night, to Bobby.

Like, I'm really upset.
I've had, like, no sleep.

-Do you see the bags?
-I do. You look terrible.



I just feel like
something's wrong with me.

Is there something
wrong with me?

-You would tell me, right?
-Cheryl: Of course.

-Am I not pretty enough?
-Cheryl: No.

-That's what I feel like.
-Cheryl: No.

I feel like I'm not pretty.
Am I fat?

Well, your hair could've been
combed better today,

but listen, I don't think that
has anything to do with this.

Hailey: I was up crying
all night.

-Ray Ray: Hailey, come in here.
-I'm sorry.

(sighs) That's the last thing I
need right now.

Girl, we'll talk about it, okay?
I'm your friend.

You know I'll take care of you.

Take care of all my friends
like I do my family.



Ignore 'em till the holidays.

* (funk music)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hey, Cheryl, what's going on?
How you doing?

How are you doing today?

Wow, you look pretty good,
you know.

Look like you've been
working out.

Lord, don't butter me up,
Ritchie, all right?

I am allergic.

You're allergic to butter? Okay.

Ritchie, what do you want?

It's not what I want.
It's more like what I need.

-Just a little favor.
-A favor? How big a favor?

Cheryl, come on now.
Just a little tiny favor.

(indistinct whispering)

(raises voice)
Five hundred dollars?

Ritchie, you are tripping.

I don't mean to be rude but
I do not know you like that.

I need to lower your voice.

Why would I lower my voice
when you asking for 500?

I think I'm gonna get louder.

You know why, because
you're not my man, Ritchie.

Cheryl... (laughs)

He heard me. He is not my man.

I know I'm not your man, Cheryl,
but I'm in a jam,

and I need to get out of it
sooner than later.

How about you get out my face,
sooner than later.

-It's like that, for real? Okay.
-Yeah.

I know this is about
that one time.

-I said I--
-It is not about that.

I had a lot on my mind.
It was a stressful, long day.

A lot on your mind,
a little in your pants. Go.

-Just forget I said anything.
-Forgotten.

Good, thank you.
Thank you, all right.

Light's been off two weeks,
Netflix ain't paid up.

Yeah, I'm putting you
in the "Forgotten,

light-skinned women pile."
Thank you very much.

-Not a good situation, Ritchie.
-Ritchie: It's okay.

Trying to watch Ghostbusters.

I'm deleting you from Facebook.
That's it. Don't worry about it.

That's fine because
my electricity ain't on.

Can't Facebook nobody.
If I wanna Facebook,

I gotta go see somebody's
face and bring a book.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey hey, Ray Ray's. Y'all
selling cars like candy bars?

(laughs)

Hello Cheryl,
my little rose petal.

Rose Petal.

So, how's everything going?

Broke and disrespectful.
That's how everything is.

Well, you know,
sometimes it's just that way.

It's that way sometimes.

The hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. I don't follow.
(chuckles)

You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry
but I promise you, I don't.

Well, let me just fill you
in there, little puppy dog.

Number one, you're mocking me,

and number two,
you're being a jerk.

Number one,

and number two, it takes
a jerk to know a jerk.

Amen, it takes a jerk
to know a jerk.

Hey, you stay out
of this, all right?

Yeah, out of this you stay.

Can I have a word
with you outside now?

-Dave: Now!
-A word.

Look, Cheryl, do me a favor,
tell Ray Ray,

I'm going to lunch, all right?

How you gonna afford it,
broke ass?

-What?
-Hmm.

Oh, nothing Ritchie.
You go ahead on, sure thing.

Thank you. I'm gonna go
have the last supper.

Okay, you'll love this one.
This is perfect.

This compliments you,
(laughs)

and everything you have going
right now, okay?

Which is?

Which is... isn't it obvious?
Okay, beauty.

Style, all right?
And talented, you know.

That's why I should be
driving a minivan?

No, see it's not the minivan,
it's the type of minivan.

You gotta think...

The minivan is not what
we're talking about.

It's the type, Honda,
The Odyssey, okay.

Dodge has the Caravan,
Winnebago has a five door.

Hello sweetheart,
may I help you?

Yes, you may.
As long as you're not him.

Well, how could I be?

I mean, look at him
and look at me. (laughs)

Now let me show you this,
sweetheart.

Now, this...
That's a car, huh?

Okay, so this is even better.
Do you have it here?

Well, I wish we did but
all we have here on this lot

are pictures of these cars.

What am I supposed to do
with a picture of a car?

Well, I don't know, you could
allow me to take you out

to dinner and we could discuss
it over dinner,

how to get you in
such a beautiful car.

Just a suggestion.

-Confident, I like it.
-Yeah?

Why don't you drop it
in there really quick?

We can talk about how to
get you in that gorgeous car.

-Okay?
-Call me.

I'm going to.
Nice to meet you.

-Okay, you know, we'll wrap.
-Oh, you'll wrap?

(laughs)

* (ominous music)

Y'all seen Ritchie?

Uh... Who wants to know?

Excuse me gentlemen,

I don't mean to
interrupt this conversation.

You might be able
to help me, though.

Have you seen Ritchie around?

Well, actually I haven't,

my well-spoken Puerto
Rican-ish looking brother.

-Muchos gracias.
-(speaking incorrect Spanish)

I find it very important
to treat people

with the literary arts
of a polite conversation.

Well, that's very nice.
Who are you guys?

My apologies, I am Milo
and these are my comrades.

Now their names
aren't important right now,

but what is important
is that I find Ritchie.

(mumbles)

Neither do I, but I can.
(laughs)

Listen gentlemen, if you'd like,

you can wait
in the office inside,

and Ritchie should be
back any minute now.

Very well, I thank you.

Should I say,
we appreciate that.

-Well, we appreciate it.
-Yeah.

-Thank you very much.
-Shaun: Thank you. Thank you.

-(speaks Spanish)
-We thank you.

Thank you.

Chris: All good in the hood man.

Shaun: Gratitude all around.

-Thank you so much.
-We got that.

-Shaun: Right inside there.
-Okay.

-We appreciate that.
-Shaun: Thank you so much.

What's up, big man?

Hey, it's right here.
It's right here.

Chris: Hey, you can get it--

He's just kidding,
big man, he's got jokes.

-Hey big man, are those pajamas?
-Class clown here. Shut up.

You're not romp.
romp with me, big boy.

You're big but he's bigger.
You're just wide, he's tall.

All right, just let it go.
You see the size of the guy?

Come on, back to work.
Go fix a car or something.

I sell cars, you fix them.

I'll send that girl your way
when I'm done with her.

Don't worry about it.

Ray Ray: Check, that's all I
hear, check. You'll get your--

(clears throat) Oh, excuse me
gentlemen, may I help you?

How are you?

I don't believe so.
We're waiting for Ritchie.

Do you mind if I ask
what it pertains to?

Oh, most definitely.
We're here to break his legs

if he doesn't give me my money.

Say what? Money? How much
does he owe you? What happened?

Well, you see, Ritchie
came to my club last night,

spent a great deal of money,

and borrowed $500 from me,

said he was gonna pay me
at the end of the night...

He didn't pay up?

Not only that... uh,

we got him on camera,
trying to escape.

You know he would've
got away if it wasn't for...

him dropping his wallet.

Man, him and that wallet
gets into more trouble

than I've ever seen.

I can imagine that.

So would you like us
to wait out here?

Oh, please.

We're gonna take up
as little room as possible.

No problem.
Just relax and have a seat.

-You won't even know we're here.
-Thank you.

Bam Bam, he thanks you as well.

All right, have a seat.

Shaun: Feeling like a puppy dog,
a pat-on-the-head-type thing.

Chris: She liked my size, man.

Shaun: She liked your size
in a cute, cuddly type thing.

Chris: Don't give me cute
and cuddly. I'm more of a--

-Shaun: All right.
-Chris: I'm like...

You sexy.
You're big and sexy.

-...a big Rico Suave.
-(screams)

What happened?

Okay, look...
Hey, how y'all doing?

Y'all are looking good.
Hey, listen,

remember that time I had--
Look, I need $500.

Five hundred dollars?
You know I don't have $500.

I got the five.

(laughing)

I don't really have the five.

Your mother's a whore,
you understand me?

You understand me, right?
She's a damn whore.

This is not a damn game.
It's not funny.

I need help right now.
I need some money, okay?

-Shaun: What's going on?
-Ritchie: I'm gonna die.

Come on, no bullshit.
What's happening?

Listen, the bottom line is,
I was gonna pay him.

I was gonna pay him but then
I lost my wallet last night.

Who, who, who?

There's these three guys,
all right.

Two of them look like
Puerto Rican bookends,

and the other one looks
like a big ass grizzly bear.

Those three nice gentlemen
we sent inside?

-They were looking for you?
-Excuse me?

They were nice guys.

You sent them in
looking for me, really?

Nice guys? Know what they do?
They kill people.

They kill them, put them back
together, then kill them again.

So I'm gonna get killed twice.

-You're exaggerating.
-No, I'm not.

It's because I'm black.
I'm gonna get killed.

I don't know how I'm gonna
explain this to my momma.

What are we gonna do?
We're gonna get them the $500?

-Right now?
-Yes, right now.

No, tomorrow, Shaun. Tomorrow.
Send it to him, mail it to him.

-They don't care.
-Are they cool like that?

No, I need money
to give to them now

or I'm gonna die,
do you understand me?

I don't know what to do.
All I'm saying is,

don't let them kill me, please.

If Ray Ray looks for me,
I'm in the blue Caddy.

We're gonna have to
call the cops.

I hate call the cops
but we're gonna have to.

-Officer Davis, huh?
-Officer Davis.

-You call Officer Davis.
-Go hide. We got your back, man.

I owe you. No, no, I owe you.
That wasn't even funny.

Damn, he just
smacked you like a bitch.

-But we play ball together.
-Smacked you like a bitch.

Ray Ray: Man,
you guys are incredible.

Maybe you could fix my computer

and get those viruses out
of mine when you're finished.

No problem.

Thanks Ray Ray. Coming
from you, that means a lot.

Man, you guys keep this up,

I'll break Ritchie's legs
for you. (laughs)

I'm sure it won't come to that.

We try to remain optimistic
in this line of work.

Optimistic, I like that one,
that was nice.

Can I ask you guys a question
and I don't mean any offense.

Why and how did
y'all become thugs?

I just don't get it because
y'all are so well mannered

and respectful, you know.

Well, you know,
when I was a child--

May I, boss?

By all means, you may.

And may I say what
a tasteful way

to insert yourself into
this conversation, you know.

People could learn
a thing or two from you.

Well, thank you Dr. Milo.

See, I began this
lonely life as a teen

with no role models
and no friends

to kinda steer me
in that right direction,

until I met Dr. Milo here,

who not only molded me
and shaped me as a man,

but made me the classy
criminal mind,

that stands before you today.

(applause)

Very well said, bravo.

That is what I'm talking about.

You never cease to amaze me,
you know that, Bam Bam.

Good word from a good man.

So, wait a minute, Milo.
You're a doctor?

A street doctor
or a real doctor?

Funny you should say
that, street doctor,

but when I attended college,
I was pre-med for three years.

Hey, here's an idea. How
about a game of truth or dare?

Oh okay, this sounds fun.

I haven't played that
since grade school.

Let's start with you, Hailey.
Truth or dare?

If I say truth, you guys
are gonna make fun of me

and tell me that I'm a wimp,
so I guess I'll go with dare.

All right, I dare you
to run around the lot

five times butt naked.

I can't do that. We're at work.
We have customers.

Don't nobody wanna
see that anyway. Okay, I'll go.

I dare you to go into
the bathroom with Milo

over here, for seven
minutes in heaven.

You ain't said nothing.

Come on Mr. Milo, doctor.

Well, if I must.

Do your thing, boss.
Bust it open like

a project chick from
New Orleans, you heard me.

You gotta represent
for the home team though.

Seven minutes.

That was quick. (chuckles)

Hailey: Wow, I just
heard the door close guys.

A gentleman never
kisses and tells.

Cheryl: So what y'all gonna do
if y'all catch Ritchie anyway?

We're gonna kill him.

(thugs laugh)

That's my bad, boss.

What in the world
are y'all doing

hiding back there
behind that dumpster?

Shaun: We need your help.

What is it, one of
them angry customers

bought one of y'all lemons?
(laughs)

David, please.

I'm gonna have to ask you
with the volume, please.

It's an angry loan
shark that's gonna kill me

if I don't pay back his money.

Well, how much do you owe him?

-Five hundred dollars.
-Officer: Five hundred dollars.

Well, I would love to but
you still owe me a hundred,

so why am I gonna help you
pay somebody back

when you ain't paid me back
my hundred?

Again, maybe you didn't hear me
when I said the urgency of this.

You see these two people here?

We're hiding behind a dumpster.
They're gonna kill me.

All right, how can I pay you
back your money if I'm dead?

Hey, you see that logic.
See how we just connected.

So, I need you to go in there.
Help me help you.

Help me, help you.

I can do that. Now where is he?

Well, "they," they are inside,

with Cheryl,
Hailey, and Ray Ray.

I think you need to go
in there now.

Make sure they don't
kill them looking for me.

Yeah, just a thought,
just a thought.

-(woman screaming)
-Hailey!

Go! I'm coming.
I'll be right there.

(woman screaming)

-Hailey, Hailey!
-Hailey: What?

I just heard you scream.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Bam Bam
just killed a spider.

You know I don't like spiders.
Sorry.

What's the problem?
That's them right there.

Those are the people
that's gonna kill me.

Go get them.

Dave: They ain't done
nothing wrong.

-They murdered a spider.
-Yeah, they murdered a spider.

That ought to be worth
like two or three--

life in prison right?

No, Ritchie, no please.

Wait a minute.

Hold the phone...

Is that you? Milo!

David, is that you?

-Is that you, man?
-Good to see you.

Good to see you too, man.
Look at you.

I'm a cop.
Look, I got the cop hair

and the cop shirt, the cop gun,
and the cop pants.

I'm a cop.

Police officer,
and I'm a loan shark.

Look, I got my own thug and all.

Look, you got a thug
right there beside you.

Like you're somewhere in
the post time or something.

Man, you look fantastic, Milo.

Thanks, man. It's been what--

Coon age, a coon age, man.
It's so good to see you man.

Man, it's good to
lay eyes on you, man.

Hey look, how's your momma?

Oh man, she's fantastic.
Man, she's making it.

How's your sister?

Oh little sis, baby sis,
she is doing fantastic.

She run off with the circus.
She's a sword swallower.

What? She still does
that thing with her leg?

I need them pictures
back about that now.

Hold fire, hell no.

Somebody going to jail, okay?
They was trying to kill me.

Well let's not throw
the K-word around so loosely.

I think you might be mistaken.

You might've
forgotten something.

Wait a minute now.
Now hold on a second.

Whatever he owes,
we will work it out.

This man is my friend,

and if you wanna get to him,
you gotta go through me first.

-Right guys?
-Go through him.

Actually no,
you can just take him.

Ritchie does owe
a lot of people money.

He gets in trouble a lot.

-Cheryl: You can take them both.
-Wow, really?

Relax, nobody's gonna die here.

I lost my wallet once.
I wanted to pay it forward

and return yours back to you.

My wallet? You came to
give me my wallet back.

What about the money
he owes him, man?

Thank you. Thank you, Chris.
Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Ain't nothing.
You know I got your back.

Seeing as how
you're good friends

with one of my good friends,

I guess we'll call it even.

-Oh, wow.
-Even.

I mean, that's real big
of you man.

Calling it even on $500, lord.

-That's really big of you.
-Yes it is.

It could've been $20,
I don't know.

Ritchie: Chris, thank you.

Chris: No, but what
I'm saying is...

You know what?
I'm saying, for real?

Same here, in fact,
I actually hired someone

to break someone's legs,

and they owed me
less money than that.

Because you got to realize
it ain't the money,

it's about the principle.

Hey, Ray Ray,
you know what I mean?

Really, enough with the jokes,
okay?

That time I owed you $20,
you damn near shot me.

Ritchie: Shaun, ixnay
on the onimay.

Milo: Square is square Ritchie.

Just do me a favor, all right?

-Hmm? Anything.
-Shhh.

Don't come to my club again.
Deal?

-Deal.
-Deal!

Deal. Yeah, yeah.

Dave, good to see you.

Milo: Good to see--
Chris: You a Puerto Rican, man.

Hey, you know I grew up
in Mississippi.

I wanna thank everybody.
Thank you ladies.

-No, thank you.
-Thank you.

Oh, she really thanks you.
She means that.

-Thank you.
-Thank you. Good to see you.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

-Milo: Ray Ray, good to see you.
-Milo, thank you.

Milo: Grab my jacket, please.

-Shaun: Y'all drive safe.
-Officer: Everything worked out.

So, Ritchie Rich,

you got my hundred on you?

I saved you five,
that gives you four.

How about my hundred,
my honey bun.

I got things to do tonight.

Come on, break it out.

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Hey!

What's going on in here and
why is that phone ringing?

'Cause Cheryl is not
here to answer it.

-Well what do I pay you for?
-To sell cars.

-Why aren't you selling any?
-Because there's no customers.

The potential customers
are on the phone.

Right, however, it is Cheryl's
job as a secretary

to answer the phone,
hence being the liaison.

You know, between the potential
customers and myself.

Ray Ray, as much as I hate
to admit it,

Ritchie actually has
a really good point.

So what's your excuse?

Oh, mine? I don't have one.

I just didn't feel
like doing anything.

(sighs)

Good morning everybody.

Bunch of cars pulling up
out front, business.

Look, this could be good for us,
this could be good for business.

Listen, everybody up.
Let's get to it.

If my girlfriend calls,
tell her I'm with my wife.

So what do you want us
to do if your wife calls?

Tell her you're with
your girlfriend? (chuckles)

Yeah, and find
yourself another job

and a doctor to pull
my foot out of your ass.

Hey man, always with
the violence, always?

Whoa.

Good morning tequila.

-How ya doing today?
-Ritchie. How are you doing?

All right, this is
my wife and two kids.

-Kid: Is she okay?
-God, she is messed up.

Ritchie: All right then.
Hold on, I got you covered.

Look through the brochure,
you know,

and see what you want.

Cheryl... you all right?

No, I ate already.

Look girl, can you
answer the phone?

Huh? Answer your own
damn phone.

What I look like, a secretary?
It ain't my job.

Actually Cheryl,
it is your job.

You're the secretary.
You answer the phones.

Oh, I do?
Well, why didn't you say so?

Hello, no one's there.

I did Cheryl.
Right when I said,

"Can you answer the damn phone?"

You ain't say that,
I must've misunderstood.

How can you
possibly misunderstand

"Cheryl, can you
answer the phone?"

Ain't nobody talking to you,
short stuff.

Oh, short stuff.
That's original.

You've never said
that one before.

Never heard that one
before, so clever.

What was it a four
martini night,

five, six, seven?
You smell worse than you look.

No, you smell.

Short stuff, that was
a good one. I like that, Cheryl.

Excuse me.
Yeah, been here a minute.

Can I get some service please?

Is he a midget?

Huh, is he a midget? They like
to be called little people.

Little people.

Not you guys. That's not
what she's talking about.

Oh yeah, y'all too.

I don't like children.

Ritchie: What is wrong with you?

Oh, I got to pee.

Okay, I'm sorry.
How can I help you?

-I wanna sell my car.
-Okay, that's fine.

We just have to look at it
first. Is it outside?

No.

Okay, is it around
the corner then?

No, actually I have a
picture of it right here.

That's cute.
See, we don't actually

sell pictures of cars.
We sell actual cars.

Really, well, you'll never
sell anything

with an attitude like that.

You have to actually believe.
Now take a look at that.

Believe what?

Customer: Look at it.

Well, maybe I can interest
you in this vehicle here.

Look at this thing, man.
Steal of a deal.

Okay, I'm not feeling
this one either.

Look sir, I really
don't know what you want

because you're not
helping me, help you.

Oh... So now it's my fault

that you don't have
the vehicle that I want.

It's just like the white man
to talk down to the brother man.

Sir, that's not what I meant.

I'm just saying that I've showed
you eight vehicles so far.

So now there's a
certain number of vehicles

that a black man can look at?

Shaun: That's not what
I'm saying. I am not a racist.

The owner of this used
car lot is a black man.

So, a black man can
only own a used car lot,

that's what you're telling me.

I am not a racist.
Chris, guys, please.

Tell the man I'm not a racist.

Now that you mention it, Shaun,

you have been
a little racist lately.

Work on that.

Thank you.
Thank you for that.

Excuse me, man.
How can I help you today?

-Who are you?
-It doesn't matter who I am,

the only thing that matters
is I get you in a car today.

Hold it, let's see
what the kid's got.

He's gonna mess up
the whole sale.

So you think you
were doing better?

Well, the main thing that I need
is a line of credit

so that I can get
one of your better vehicles,

like an old Benz or a Cadillac.

I'm sorry, I don't
understand what you're saying.

Well, I guess I can keep
it real with you my brother.

Most definitely.

I didn't wanna say this in front
of the other brother over there.

I feel that.

My credit ain't the best.

We ain't tripping
off credit here man.

Look, this is what it is,
okay, we got you.

We could finance you, we could
do a couple other things.

Why ain't your boy
say none of that?

To be honest, you ain't
let him get to it.

You kept calling him racist
and didn't let him talk.

If you let him talk,
he would've let you know that.

-You can't talk to me like that.
-I can talk any way I want.

I'm trying to get you a car.
Especially with your credit,

listen to me.
Let me help you out.

You see this Sunbird right here?
Now this Sunbird is a '96.

Just get in it.
You're gonna love it.

Wow, he's got some style.
Look he sucked him right in.

You never know.

Y'all rolling down the street,
they like,

"Hey, brother Malcolm died for
us," and you'll be like,

"He sure did.
Because I'm a brother, man."

-Trey: Say brother man. Exactly.
-Brother man.

-You feeling me, man?
-I feel you brother, yes.

He moves better than Ritchie.
Ritchie used to have that.

He still got it though,
nothing wrong with Ritchie.

-He fell off a little bit.
-He got that girl.

What if I told you I can
get you no money down,

just one monthly payment,
one big lump sum,

right in January. Hmm?
Sound good, right?

Go in the office, holler at my
man, he'll take care of you.

-That's a bet.
-Bet. Hey man, right on.

(claps) Bravo, bravo.

Man, them some pretty
good moves there, son.

-Thanks, man.
-What's your name?

I'm Trey. Hey, look I was
just messing around man.

I was helping your boy out,
the customer got confused,

I didn't mean to disrespect
the lot or nothing.

Oh no, no, no, no.
You need a job?

When do I start?

You already started when
you sold this '96 Sunriser.

It's a Sunfire,
but that's your car.

You can change the name
when you want.

You know something,
you remind me of myself

when I was your age.

I wanna be just like him
when I grow up.

(laughing)

Ray Ray, what's up man?

Heard you hired a new recruit.
What's up with that?

That literally just happened.

Hey, well you know Ray,
word travels fast, playboy.

You know what I'm saying?
Ray--

That's a pretty
fast traveling word,

if you heard us and we
just came in from outside.

Welcome to the 21st century.
You know what I'm saying?

Technology is a mother.

Or you heard me get hired
when the window was open?

I'm just saying that's
probably how the word traveled.

Or you could be wrong,
you know.

Got an answer for
everything don't you?

I mean that's the goal of a
question is to get an answer.

I'm not a jerk,
I wanna answer your question.

Kinda like I'm doing right now.

Kinda like...
just hearing yourself talk.

What's the matter, scared of
a little competition Ritchie?

I think he is.
Scared of competition.

Ritchie, man,
you should've seen him.

I mean he was amazing.

-Thanks man.
-Thank you.

Yeah, you reminded me a lot of--

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we already heard you say.

Reminded you a lot of me.

Well, maybe not now,

but like when
you were actually selling cars.

(laughs)

(whispering) I gathered that.

Yeah, I wanted you
to know what he meant.

I didn't want anybody
to be left out,

because you're not
selling anything.

He knows I'm joking, right?

I don't know.

Yeah, well, uh... so is this
like my new joint.

Can I have this,
since he isn't using it?

And another thing, when the
phone rings, you answer it.

(singing)

What's up with you, man?
You all right?

Oh yeah, I'm good.

-You sure.
-I'm positive.

Okay.

Wow, nice day.

Beautiful day. Beautiful day.

Nothing like a day like
this to get replaced, you know.

Replaced? What are you
talking about the kid,

Trey, the new kid?

Yeah, I'm talking about
the kid, the new kid.

Oh, look at you man, come on.
You're being paranoid.

-Stop it.
-Nobody being paranoid.

You think you're
gonna get replaced?

I know I'm not being replaced.

He got hired, you didn't
get fired. Relax, man.

Well, hey.

-Do I seem tense?
-No, I'm just saying.

What have you got to be
threatened about?

I'm not threatened.
It's about respect Shaun.

R E S P E C T, respect.

Find out what that
means to me, all right.

(chuckles)
I'm sorry, I'm listening.

It's coincidence,
Trey's texting me right now.

We have a little bet going on.

He won. I owe him
a hundred bucks. Wow.

Messed up.

I respect that though,
I respect his hustle.

Anyway, what were
you saying though?

Shaun, it's like this, man.
Okay, umm...

You know me,
I get along with everybody.

I've been here for years.
You know...

and you know, I mean...

(laughing)

No, I'm not laughing at you.
Not laughing at you at all.

I swear, I was actually
laughing at this joke

that Trey just told me.
I just got the punchline to it.

They're so intense and so hard
to understand, I just got it.

Do me a favor.
Get away from me.

Right now, just walk away.

Stand up, go eat something,
bounce.

-Fine.
-Yep walk.

Shaun: I'm gonna go to lunch.
I'm going to lunch with Trey.

-Ray Ray: Pretty nice, huh?
-I like it man.

Uh, what the hell?

Ray, this is my desk,
what's going on?

Ray Ray:
Well you're not using it.

This is awkward.

Look, part of being in this
family, Ritchie, is sharing.

Now I chose to pair of you
with young blood here,

so you can teach him the ropes.

Oh, so you're
saying I'm old now.

Trey: I don't know where this
is going.

Well, face it, you're not the
youngest nail in the tool shed.

Wow, I didn't know nails
had age limits, personally.

That's a pretty good point,
like...

I would use a different analogy
myself, if I were to use--

A nail has age limits.

When the old nail is unable

to carry his weight
like the new nail.

Uh, does anybody else
feel uncomfortable,

like myself right now?

Um... I am, ever since Ritchie
came into the room.

-It got a little uncomfortable.
-You feel it?

Yeah, it's pretty
awkward over here too.

You feel it too?
It's crazy. What about you?

-I'm cool.
-You straight? All right.

Well, look,
a nail has age limits

when it's not carrying
its weight like the new nail.

Wow, we talking about
carrying weight now, Ray.

Ritchie: So who carried the
weight, Ray,

when nobody would even
come to this empty car lot?

Who? Me, that's who.
Who carried the weight, Ray,

when you couldn't take
care of this lot? Me.

Who carried the weight when
you needed start up money

for this lot, huh?
Who carried the weight, Ray?

Who carried the weight when
your wife fell down them stairs?

She is 300 pounds, Ray.

-I'm guessing you?
-Man, please. Okay?

Hey, don't get mad at me,
man, I'm just the new nail.

You going too far now,
talking about my wife.

Ray Ray: Look, hold on now.
All right, look.

Everybody stop standing
around, get the work.

Shaun, Trey, get out
there and sell some cars.

See, the beautiful thing
about this car, man,

is I got this car when I was 16.

Ritchie: (coughing) Liar.

Yeah, so this car, if you
pretty much just trust me,

I'm going to put you
in an incredible car.

-You're gonna love it.
-Ritchie: Bull cocky. (coughing)

Look, hold on. Hey you cool man?
Is everything all right?

-I'm good. You good?
-You sure?

I'm great. Okay, cool.
As long as you're good.

Partner, I wouldn't buy this car
if I was you.

Why, is there
something wrong with it?

Ain't nothing wrong with the
car, the car is fine. But...

He's a chronic urinator.

Hey, I'm a what? I'm sorry?

Trey, I didn't want to do it
in front of your customers

like this but you're
a chronic urinator.

Come on, I'm sorry but we have
a strict honest policy here

and I couldn't allow
this to happen.

He's a chronic urinator,
he pees on everything.

I wouldn't be surprised if
there's urine in the car that

you're about to buy right now.
Did you smell any extreme odors?

Wow, he's telling you a joke.
Man, ixnay on the peenay okay?

Look, y'all are gonna love
this car, just trust me.

This is my first day,
you gonna love the car,

I guarantee I won't put you
in no horrible car.

Where you going man, he playing.
I got pee control, man.

It happened one time.
I was little.

He don't know about that,
I just met him.

Take it easy.

Hey, what's up
with you guys man?

You all right Trey?
He bothering you at all?

You sure, you need anything?

All right, cool.
What's going on?

-He's a chronic urinator.
-You are?

No, I'm not. Look man, I hold
my pee like everybody else.

I don't wanna get into that now.
That's not even necessary.

Your boy ran my customers off.
You need to talk to him dude.

He thought he had two customers.
Look, Trey...

May I call you Trey because
you may have been hot stuff

wherever you came from,

but here at Ray Ray's,
I'm the man.

Ritchie: You know what
I'm saying, know what I mean?

-It's all about me, you know.
-Look man,

what is your problem?

You're my problem Trey!
You! See, I'm a star.

And I can raise my voice
like this because I'm a star.

Former star. (coughs)

You still a star to me baby.

That's what I'm saying,
you know what I mean Chris.

-Thank you, not now.
-Later?

-Definitely, you got it.

Look man, what is the problem?

You're my problem, okay?

If you don't have a problem
with me, you might have one now.

Don't turn your back on me
though, when I'm talking to you.

It's about respect with me.

-Look man, I'm a cool brother
-Yeah.

but don't ever put your hands
on me again, son

Okay, I won't do that.

-Put your hands up dude.
-Put your hands up.

Guys, not now. All right,
fine man.

-Hey, hey, whoa.
-Shaun: You want action?

-Hold on.
-I thought we was fighting.

No, man, the face. No face shot.

Okay, all right, let's go.

I'm gonna have to take Trey.
I like his stance, man.

Hey, hold up, man.
No stomach shots either.

I got cars to sell, I don't need
to be throwing up in the seats.

-Let's keep it respectable.
-All right.

Why don't we just play it safe
and stick to straight arm shots.

Know what I mean?

Hey Reggie, we got some action
down here at the lot.

Hey man, what was that about?
Where did that come from?

I thought we said no face and--
What was that?

I tell you what dude, let's do
this inside after closing time.

That way ain't nobody around,
nobody to break this up,

we can have the freedom we need.

I got customers. You do
your thing, I'll do my thing.

I got some stuff
to take care of anyway.

You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, that works for me.

How about... How 'bout 5:30?

I say 5:30 because I have
some paperwork to finish.

I might be running
a little late, but wait on me.

As long as you told me.
I appreciate that.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

What was that?

Ray Ray: By the way,
be sure you tell Ritchie--

Oh, speak of the devil.

I ain't do nothing.

Look, I don't even
wanna know nothing okay.

Just be sure you lock up
when you leave, okay?

Oh, okay.
So you're about to go now?

Ray Ray: Yeah.

Okay everybody,
check this out.

-We clocking out early today.
-What's going on?

Work's over, school's over,
early today.

It's about to go down,
you know what I'm saying?

Y'all gonna fight?

Yeah, I gotta teach
the new guy what's up.

I gotta teach him
a little lesson.

Big dog has to
teach the little dog

not to come stomping
in his yard.

If you wanna stomp
with the big dogs,

you gotta make sure your bark

is as big as your bite,
you feel what I'm saying.

-It's about to go down outside.
-What?

This is my house.
This is Ritchie's house.

Whose house? Ritchie's house.

It's going down.

It's three o'clock and
the bell has rung, ding ding.

Where's Chris?
Have this removed.

(bells ding)

* (exciting music)

Okay everybody,
let's gather around

to watch this fight.

You got to do
better than that man.

Most of it's trademarked.

Gentlemen, step in.

In this corner, hailing from...

I don't know where he's from.
I just met him.

-I'm from around.
-He's from around,

weighing in at
probably 170 pounds?

About 75 now because I got
something to eat earlier.

One seventy five,
he got something to eat.

Probably coming in
at close to six foot,

all we do know is that
he's one hell of a salesman.

He's a good looking man,
he's smart, he's intelligent,

he's courageous, he's wise,
a really great addition to--

Hey!

-He's Trey New Guy.
-(cheering)

Let's go Trey. Let's go Trey.
You can do it.

In this corner, hailing from
Ray Ray's Used Cars.

Weighing in at about
160 pounds, walking 5'5".

Five seven homie, I'm 5'7".

He says 5'7",
former baseball phenom,

voted most likely to succeed--
By the way, were they wrong.

Been rotting away here
at Ray Ray's since 1992,

has only sold 32 cars
to his name.

Can't pay his rent,
is having a heart attack.

Hey.

Ritchie, quote-unquote,
the star.

Crowd:
Ritchie, Ritchie, Ritchie!

All right gentlemen,
step in, get in here.

Get him Ritchie, get him baby.

All right gentlemen,
I want a clean fight.

No eye gouging,
no titty twisting,

no butt grabbing,
no all around punk antics.

All right gentlemen, you ready?

-And... Fight!
-(bell dings)

Cheryl: Come on Trey,
you can do it. Come on.

* (comical music)

-(humming)
-(snapping)

-I'm not touching you.
-You're touching me.

-(loud banging)
-(alarm ringing)

-Somebody broke into the office.
-Let's go.

-I don't...
-What happened...

(man grunting)

Hey! Hey!

Guys, guys!
It's Ray Ray.

Yes it's me, get off of me.

Sorry, I didn't know
it was you, man.

Ritchie: What are you
doing here?

What are you talking about? You
know I forget my keys sometimes.

Who else would it be?

Ray, I thought you were
trying to break in.

I must've hit the alarm
by mistake.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
it was you.

You knew it was me. You hit me
after the light went on.

You hit me after
the light went on.

Ritchie: I thought
you was trying to escape.

Get him man.
Take him outside or something.

That's not natural
for a man his age

to be acting like that.

Man, active.
He like to fidget.

What kinda relationship
do y'all have, man?

What a first day.

Hey, nice sleeper
hold by the way.

-Oh, thanks man. Nice left hook.
-You caught me.

That's what's up.

Look man, I know I'm new here
and everything but, we good?

-Man we good.
-All right, old nail.

Young'n.

Don't call me young.

Don't call me old nail.
Don't ever do that again.

I'll fight you.

Yeah well, we can do that.

Shaun: So they call us out
to the car lot,

make us wait and wait and wait.

They say the customers
are ready, ready.

But they're never really
ready, ready.

You know what I mean?

You're always missing.
I gotta tell you man,

whenever it's time to sell
a car, you're missing.

Missing in action. Why is that?

I'm everywhere.

Yeah you are, you really are.
You get around.

Whoa.

Excuse me, can you help me?

Um... Yeah.

Well, it depends on what
you need some help with.

I can help you.

No thank you. I'm sure you
can help me get what I want.

Well, after you've
seen him naked,

check back in with me.

Yeah, so...
what can I help you with?

Your name...

and this car.

Okay, well I'm Ritchie,

and do I have the pleasure
of knowing yours?

Naomi, and the pleasure
is all mine.

Okay, nice to meet you, Naomi.
So, uh...

Well this car right here
is like $5,000.

Well, since it's...
Since it's you, you know,

we could probably do
something in the neighborhood

of like $3,000.

We could work with that.

Okay, I only have $1,500
on me right now

but I can get the rest to you
in like 30 minutes.

Sold. I'll have the keys
waiting for you

when you come back.

Well, I live way across town
and my sister

dropped me off today
because I told her

that I wasn't leaving here
without a car. So...

Oh, um...

Ooh, yeah...

Well, I'm sorry but
it's our company policy,

we can't really let you
drive off the lot

without the car being fully
paid for, so I'm sorry.

Are you sure
you can't make an exception?

-You won't regret it.
-Ooh, well...

Sounds very tempting, but...

Thirty minutes, 30. Yeah. Yeah.

No more, no less though.
That's it, 30.

Don't... Don't move.

Chris!

* (funky bass music)

What is going on?
Will you please just sit down?

I can't okay because she said
she'd be back in an hour.

It's been like
three hours I think,

maybe three and change,
you know.

She got lost, that's what
happened, she got lost.

Who got lost?

-His mind.
-I can hear you.

-Huh?
-What?

-What?
-Huh?

What did you say?

-What did you say?
-No, what did you say?

-Trey: Huh?
-Huh?

Never mind all that,
all right, look...

Shaun come here,
I gotta tell you something.

I don't want nobody to hear,
so come here.

We're the only ones here.

Shh, Shaun, I do not care.
That doesn't matter, all right?

Now look...

Y'all remember that chick
that came in here earlier?

* (sultry music)

Yeah, the one outside
that you stole away from me?

* (sultry music)

I kinda did something stupid.

Okay, what did you
do stupid Ritchie?

(mumbles) I let her leave
with a car. Yeah.

-Huh?
-I let her leave with a car.

-I'm sorry, what did you say?
-Shaun: I can't hear you.

Speak up buddy.

I let her leave
the lot with a car.

Now that is beyond stupid.

You got some money though,
right?

What? Of course. No.

-Trey: Hmmm?
-Yeah, no.

-What's that?
-No, I didn't get the money.

I didn't get the money, okay?
I didn't get the money!

Okay, so what
exactly happened?

Ritchie: The car's $5,000. She
asked could I lower the price,

I said no, she molested the car,

I was like yes! It's $3,000,
you know what I'm sayin'.

She's like, "I'll pay
half now and half later."

I was like, "Get outta here,"
you know.

Then she started
kissing on me and stuff,

you know, all up in here
and I was like, "Yes!

Here are the keys."

Okay, so that means you got
the $1,500 at least?

Trey: Of course
he got the $1,500.

He ain't about to let her
just walk out the lot.

Hey free, take it.
(chuckling)

At least you got the $1,500,
cool.

What are you serious?

Three thousand dollars?
You owe the lot $3,000.

I know, I know.

You let her leave with a $3,000
car, are you serious?

I know, okay? I know.

Well, Ray Ray's
gonna kill you.

No, Ray Ray's not gonna kill me.
He's not gonna find out.

How is Ray Ray not going
to find out, Ritchie?

Because we're gonna get the
money before Ray Ray comes back.

I'm tripping, okay.

-I thought he said, "we."
-(laughter)

That's funny.

I did Trey-- Look Trey,
I need your help, all right?

Look at me, these are the eyes
of a desperate man, please.

Look at you, you're doing
well for yourself brother.

Got your little lime--
is that lime or chartreuse?

It's kiwi.

Okay, you got your kiwi on
with the patterned tie,

so I know you're doing
your things brother.

You almost number one
salesman right here.

I'm trying man, you keep
messing up like this,

and I'm gonna do my thang.
(laughing)

I'm gonna need you to loan me
some money then.

I need your help.

I owe you $20.
I don't have any money on me.

I ain't sold a car in a minute,
it's dry outside.

Shaun, you got $3,000?

(hysterical laughing)

(phone ringing)

Momma.

-(dial tone)
-Hello?

Hello?

(phone ringing)

Hey sis.
Yeah, what's happening?

No, it's Ritchie,
the other brother.

-(dial tone)
-Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Michelle? it's me Shaun.

Your boyfriend Shaun? Yeah.

Hey, hey, umm...

So, I wanted to ask you
something today,

but I just don't wanna do it
over the phone.

So, I was thinking, maybe you
could come down to the office

for a little while.

Yeah, okay perfect.

Okay then, I'll see you
in a few minutes.

-(Chris clears throat)
-Oh, ah hey!

Oh hey. Chris.

So who was that on the phone?

I can't keep this
to myself anymore,

I gotta tell somebody!

I guess I'll tell you.

So that was my girlfriend,
Michelle.

-Michelle. Michelle?
-Yeah.

Michelle.

-Ain't she a stripper?
-Uh...

Does she dance over at
the Pig and The Whistle?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

-Michelle. Tall, fine?
-Yeah.

Used to mess with the
NFL guy a long time ago?

No, doesn't ring a bell.

Anyway, she's gonna be
here in five minutes

and I got something to ask her.

Michelle.

Wait isn't that the girl
that cheated on you

about a week ago?

It was a month ago
and she apologized.

She was under a lot of stress
and she needed the money,

it was only the three times
and it's over, okay.

Sucker. (coughs)
Excuse me.

So what are you
going to ask her?

Chris...

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

What?

Something up?

Nothing to say,
no congratulations, nothing?

Hey, you can't stop true love.

Say what you will. She loves me!

-Chris: Yeah.
-I'm in love with a stripper.

Okay?

Girl yes, this homeless man
asked me for my phone number.

I was like, "How are you
gonna call me?"

He was like, "You got me."
(laughs)

No, I'm telling you
right now if Al Sharpton

cut his hair, I would
make a wig out of it.

Hold on. Hi.

Hey, is Shaun around?

I think he's out back,
want me to call him for you?

-Yeah, please. Thanks.
-Okay.

(upbeat melody)

Hi.

Hey.

Shaun, you have a visitor
in the front office.

Shaun, a visitor in the office
as surprising as that sounds.

(clears throat)
(giggles)

-Hi. How are you doing?
-Hi.

-Great.
-So, how do you know Shaun?

Um,
that's none of your business.

I'm just kidding,
actually I'm Shaun's girlfriend.

Oh, (fake laugh) that was funny.

I didn't even know
he had a girlfriend.

Yeah, we've been dating
for a few months actually.

That sounds awesome.

-Shaun: Hey.
-Hey.

-Shaun: You got here fast.
-Trey: So did you.

Well, let me introduce
you to everyone.

That there is Cheryl,
she's real sweet.

And that's Hailey,

and this is Trey.

-Nice to meet you.
-Pleasure is all mine.

-Isn't she beautiful?
-You have no idea.

Trey, do me a favor. Take
Michelle into Ray Ray's office,

I have something important
I want to tell everyone.

-You got it man.
-Thanks.

I'll be just a minute sweetie.

Do me a favor Trey, make
sure she can't see out here.

What I want to tell everyone
is very private.

Make sure she can't
see what's happening.

Okay, real private,
can't see out, got you.

-Appreciate you man.
-You got it man.

-What are friends for?
-Love you dog.

Love you too, man.

Shaun: So...

So glad you're here, I
have something to tell you.

-Cheryl.
-Nope, no calls Ritchie.

What time did Ray
Ray say he was coming back?

I think he said he'll
be back in the morning.

-Shaun: Are you all right man?
-Okay, cool.

Remember that problem
I told you I had?

That might turn
into a big problem.

That sucks for you.
I'm glad you're all here now

because I want to tell you
what I'm gonna do today.

* (dance music blaring)

Does he have his own
theme music?

Apparently so.

Pretty cool.

Wait a minute, man,
that's Corey Mac, man. Hey.

-I play with these, man.
-I do my thing with these too,

but man you did your thing
last season.

How did you do it?

Man, I just put on pads and
I make miracles happen.

That's what happens.

Chris: I can dig it.

Let me ask you a question.
What are you doing here?

I'm here for Ritchie.

Ritchie? Why would a
current star such as yourself

hang out with a washed
up star such as his self.

Ritchie's my big brother.

Ritchie: Thank you baby brother.
Over here, yeah.

See my daddy makes
the stars, baby.

Uh. Then how come your light
burned out years ago?

Corey: Now that was funny.

So brother, you got it?

Of course, big brother.

Yes, yes, yes.

-We were never close.
-Yeah, we were never close.

Yeah, but I thank you.
It's cool.

So thank you.

No problem.
Can I keep it real with you?

You know, bro to bro?
All right...

I'm not giving you this money.
This is a loan.

Loans comes with stipulations,
wouldn't you agree?

Everybody knows you're
not good with money.

-Right, yeah I am.
-No, no you're not.

Secondly, I need my
money back by midnight.

Not 12:01, not 11:59.
Let me see your watches.

I can't believe they
didn't come with watches,

but you know what I'm saying.

Hold up.
You're my little brother.

You don't come in here
giving me demands.

I mean come on bro, I mean what
you saying, and if I don't?

He act like my
paycheck is small.

It's cool.

Midnight.

Hey hey bro,
what are you doing?

Collateral baby. It's the
only thing in this place I want.

You don't have enough
white girls with you, you just--

Save some for the NBA,
all right?

Exit.

You come with me.

All right, fine.

If you can't trust your family,
who can you trust?

Who can you trust brother?
It's all about trust.

Let me make sure he
gave me enough money.

Wait, is it me or did
Hailey look a little too

excited about being
called collateral?

Yeah that was odd,
she was like the happiest

hostage I've ever seen.

Yeah, like she
wanted to be taken.

All right, this is great.
I got the money for the car

but how am I going to
pay my brother back?

If it's not one thing
it's another, brother.

Look at it this way, you
can always dodge family.

I owe you, Ritchie,
Ray Ray, my dad--

Yeah, but that's like the
last family member I got left.

See I owe everybody, even
like cousins twice removed.

Shaun: Okay, now that the
distractions are over,

can I please give you guys
my announcement?

Ritchie: All right fine,
go ahead Shaun.

I'm gonna ask
Michelle to marry me.

-(metal thud)
-(Chris laughing)

Wow, really?

-Really?
-Can you believe it?

-No, but really?
-I don't know man,

I just feel it inside
the last couple of days.

You know, I'm normally
not a supporter of marriage

but you seem really happy.

I love her.

All right, I'm gonna stand
behind you on that then.

You seem real Tom Cruise-ish
right now.

I'm his height.

I'm going to stand behind
you on this.

As a matter of fact, we're
gonna have the bachelor party

right here, Ray Ray's
Boom Boom Room.

Ah ha. All right.

Man, I'm taking the leap.

What did Michelle say
when you asked her?

Oh no, I haven't asked her yet.
I wanted to tell you guys first.

You can't tell us
without asking her first.

First you gotta go ask her.

Right now?

-Ritchie: Right now.
-Okay, here goes nothing.

I wanna come so I can watch
and see what she says.

-Ritchie: Yeah, me too.
-Yeah, all of you come, come on.

Shaun, it's not
what it look like.

Damn, everybody, I'm sorry man.

So will this be affecting the
bachelor party in the office?

Shaun: How can
you do this to me?

Michelle, how
do you do that to Trey?

Look Shaun, it's not what
it looks like, I promise.

Shut up, just shut up.

Shaun, I told
you she was a freak, man.

I just wanna know why
you got your shoes on,

what's that about?

It gives you good leverage,
surprisingly enough.

That's not important.

Shaun,

sorry man.

I'm really sorry.

Are you serious?
Are you serious right now?

-Come on Ritchie.
-Hey, hey, yo.

Thirty minutes turned into
eight hours is what's wrong.

Okay, I could've lost my
job today. That's not funny.

You tried to play me.
Are you playing me?

I'm sorry. Okay. I apologize,

but you're so cute
when you're mad.

Hey whatever, come on,
give me the money.

So, I guess I'll see you in
the next lifetime then, huh?

Can I at least have
a hug before I go?

Hey, hey, hey! Wow.

Dude, how'd you even
get here so fast.

It ain't midnight or nothing
How you even know I got money?

I smelled you had my money.

Transaction complete.

Yo, that was crazy, right?

Hey, where did everybody go?

I'm here, Ritchie.

(knocking)

Listen Shaun, I talking
to you from me to you.

You're a good guy.
You didn't deserve that, man.

Okay, you could do better,
a lot better. Buck up.

Why did you do it?

Me? Because I'm a man
and that's what men do.

We have sex with other men's
girls when we want them.

All right?

Don't come in here
crying, all right?

You're better than that.
Buck up.

Why? But why?

Why? That's something
you should ask her.

Shaun: Why?

If you want, we could help you
find another girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could help you find
another girl, Shaun.

I'll just go back down, okay.

-* (funk music)
-(coughs)

This smoke is all part
of the new hybrid engine.

See, if it lets the smoke out,
it won't stay in and

burn up the engine.

Don't you have something else?

Not in your price range,
my friend.

I'm not stupid.

Don't you think $500
is a bit steep

for a car in such bad shape?

Bad shape?

This car right here
is as solid as a rock.

It needs a little work.

A little super glue
will fix that thing right up.

Your loss, buddy.

No grill on this thing makes it
aerodynamic, my friend.

The ladies will love it.

Or the guys,
if that's what you're into.

-(engine hiss)
-(Shaun yelps)

* (violin music)

(banging)

Ritchie, could you please
not treat your copier

the way you treat your women.

Yeah whatever. First of
all, I don't beat women.

Secondly, you can't
even call this a copier,

it's the sorriest excuse
for a piece of office equipment

I've ever seen. Come on.

-Hailey: Hey.
-Hey, oops sorry.

(banging on printer)

(Cheryl sighs)

(banging on printer)

Ritchie, you're
making a mess, okay.

You may prefer to
live in squalor

but the rest of us like to keep
the office really nice and neat.

-Okay?
-So what?

So what? Ritchie...

Look at the place.

All right look Hailey,
it's this machine.

It's frustrating me,
what am I supposed to do?

I'm trying to make copies,
it's giving me half a page

and not a page at all or blank.
What am I supposed to do?

It's not the ink,
I've tried everything.

What am I supposed to do?
What are you supposed to do?

Have you heard of a trash can?

Yeah, it's what they
called Cheryl in high school.

(sarcastic laughing)

Make no mistake Ritchie,

I'm laughing at your
face not your joke.

That was a good one Cheryl.
I like that.

Seriously, you need to clean up
before Ray Ray sees it.

Know what?
I'll make you a bet.

If you can get this
machine to work

and you can make two
copies of that right there,

I'll clean up the whole office.
I'll clean up everything.

If you don't, I get to make
as big a mess as I want to.

You so have a deal.

-Let's go.
-Watch out, cupcake.

You try to make a copy.
That ain't even the right spot.

Okay, watch how it's
done, are you watching?

Are you watching?

And your tone,
really with the tone.

Are you watching?
Okay, I'm just making sure.

All right, ready?

Why you got it like
that, I did that already.

No you didn't.
Watch and learn.

I pressed that.

It's gonna be blank,
just like the other two.

-There you go.
-No that's not--

-I win.
-No, you cheated.

Have fun, cleaning.
Cleaning the office.

No you cheated, Hailey.

Excuse me, I believe I
have to clean your desk.

I believe you do.
You're right.

That's okay because I have
to go make a copy anyways.

-Make a copy.
-Yeah I heard you.

Hailey: Okay well you enjoy.

He has no idea.

Like I'm the only
messy one around here.

Look. See, see?

Look at this.
Aspirin on the desk.

Now that's not even sanitary.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Hey, Tammy.

Tonight? Uh-uh.

No girl, we partied way
too hard last night.

You were the one to convince
me to buy these Ecstasy pills.

Hold on.

I have to call you back.
Tammy, I'll call you back.

Hailey: OMG, OMG.

Ritchie?

Ritchie.

Ritchie!

Yeah, what? I'm right
here, stop yelling.

Ritchie, did you take
something off my desk?

No.

-Don't lie to me Ritchie.
-I'm not lying to you.

-Are you sure?
-Yes. But why are we yelling?

-I don't know.
-Neither do I.

What's all this
screaming about?

Y'all are giving me
a headache. Damn.

There was something on my desk
and it's not there anymore.

Uh. Aspirin.

-Ritchie: I took what?
-Hailey: You took it.

(Ritchie and Hailey arguing)

Yeah, he always act
like he run something man.

Like, I work for you but
I don't "work" for you.

Right exactly.

You gonna ask me to
answer the phone.

But ain't that your job?

You know what else is funny?
How he walks around the office.

Do it because I know
you could do it too.

Yeah, like that,
go ahead Ray Ray.

Come back and do
a little dance.

Right, right. (laughs)

-What is that dance? Right.
-The old man shuffle.

That is hilarious
because he got the little

joints on the back, cut that
off is what I wanna know.

-Clean it up.
-What's up girl?

Where are the pills? You took
them to be funny, didn't you?

Didn't you, didn't you?

First of all, hello.

Second, I don't know
what you're talking about.

The pills that were on my
desk Trey, don't play games.

Where are they?

I been out here all day,

I ain't even been in the office.
What's wrong with you?

-Hailey, calm down.
-I am calm. I am calm!

If that's calm,
I don't wanna see angry.

(laughs)

* (mysterious music)

Hey, hey hey hey.
Hailey.

Ooh! Hailey.

(laughs)

My son, my son.

-Hey, how are you doing here.
-I'm good Ray.

Cool. You're looking good today.
Looking good.

Hey, Cheryl.

Hey Hailey, you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Mm-hmm, I'm good. I'm fine.

All right. I'm just asking.

Ray Ray, why are
you touching my hair?

So crazy. Incredible.

You ever try rubbing
your own head?

No, because you
see what happens.

Oh. (chuckles)

Damn Ray Ray, they
didn't know this was a wig.

Hey Ray, how's your headache?

Man, I feel incredible.
I'm serious.

I don't think I've
ever felt this good.

(laughing)

Cheryl: What's going on sweetie?

What are you yelling for?
You'll bring my headache back.

See y'all.

-Ray Ray, where are you going?
-See ya.

Don't you think
you should stay inside

and nurse your headache
before it comes back?

Leave him alone. He's fine.

He said he "ain't never, ever,
ever, felt this good before."

Hailey: Mind your business,
Ritchie.

I wanna make sure his
headache doesn't come back

because you know some medicines
are not that reliable.

I feel fine. Look I appreciate
your concern but I'm good.

(Ray Ray laughs)
I am good.

(Ray Ray laughs)

Hey, where are y'all?

OMG.
OMG.

What is going
on with you girl?

Yeah girl, you're acting
more weird than usual.

Okay, if I tell
you guys something,

you promise not to say anything?

You guys have to keep it cool
and, like, between us.

I can't keep secrets.

Like if anybody
finds out about this,

like I could get arrested
or fired or both.

Girl, spill it.

Okay, you know those pills
that I was talking about,

the ones that were on my desk.

I don't know where they went.
They were Ecstasy pills.

Oh. (laughs) You nasty.

Oh, those pills, yeah. I put
them in your medicine bottle.

You what?

I don't like
where this is going.

I put the pills in the bottle

with the rest of the pills,
and...

Wait a minute.
Oh, you think he took them?

And there it is.

And so the vet says, "What
color is your dog's red tongue?"

(laughing)

They didn't get it
but that's okay.

So what are y'all
doing tonight anyway?

-Nothing much.
-Well let's change that.

How about me and Shaun over
here take y'all out tonight?

Let's say seven-ish? I like it.

Where are we gonna go?

The more important question
is, where do y'all wanna go?

See, Shaun over
here is a great cook.

I am? I am.

-Of course you are.
-Hell of a cook.

Make anything you want,
you name it, I'll make it.

-Eggs, you know spinach.
-The whole nine, frittatas...

I like that, frittatas,
that sounds good.

So y'all wanna do that,
we cook for y'all tonight?

Women: Yeah, that sounds good.

Should we meet y'all here?

-Here is good?
-Yeah.

I like the way you
think Ashley, that's hot.

My name is Meagan.

Yeah, girl, you know I
know your name is Meagan.

See we're jokers,
he's silly too.

Hey, Ray Ray.

-That's Ray Ray.
-Hello, hello, young ladies.

How are you? These are my boys.
Fine young men.

They're just like family to me.
I love these guys.

Thank you Ray Ray.

We're in the middle of a sale.
We're trying to sell some cars.

* I love you

You know you are so beautiful.

Thank you Ray Ray.

Why don't we just
throw all our clothes off

and jump in the pool like
we used to do.

Trey: He's joking, we don't
swim like that together.

I mean, one time
it was hot outside.

So seven?

Yeah, frittatas
right, with the mix?

* Excuse me
while I kiss the sky *

(blows kiss)
(exaggerated laughter)

Ray Ray, what the hell?

-Look at you, look at you.
-Look at me.

You smell good too.
How you doing?

I'm good.

-I'm straight, I'm cool.
-I love you, you know that.

-I love you too, Ray Ray.
-I love you too, man.

-You feeling all right?
-I feel great.

Man, everything is
beautiful. Everything.

Well then, can we get a raise?
(laughs)

Yeah, of course.
How much you want?

Whoa, you heard it.
Can we get that in writing?

-Come on inside.
-Cool.

By the way, thanks for running
off all the ladies, blocker.

Ray Ray: No problem.
My pleasure.

All right.
What the hell was that about?

I have no idea
what's going on at all.

Hailey: He must
have them on him.

Have what on him?

The paperwork that I asked
you to sign for me last week.

Aww. Look, I'll do it
some other time.

I don't feel like
working for some reason.

You know that
could have something

to do with the Ecsta--

Ex wife. Man she
been ringing the phone

off the hook all day Ray.
Ray, she want you back.

They all do son, they all do.

Hailey: Hey Dave, what's up?

Well, I wish this was a
social call but it ain't.

Friendly.

No, we're here to
investigate one of them

-unanimous random tips.
-Random.

A random tip? What kinda tip?

Well, we got a call down
there at headquarters

at that hotline,
Turn In A Pusher.

Yeah, hello?

And they said that
there was a pill pusher

somewhere out here
in the neighborhood.

Yeah, a druggie.

Well, color me surprised.

Ritchie: Cheryl shut up.
(coughs)

Why would someone
here have drugs?

That sounds crazy.

Well you know it
might've been Trey.

You know you never
really know people.

Ray Ray: Uh-huh.

Well, are you feeling
all right there, Ray?

You know Dave, I
never tell how much

I appreciate you around here.

You know you're
really incredible.

Well, thank you very much

and coming from you
that just warms my heart

because I could've
sworn you hated me.

Oh, I do but I
can still announce

my appreciation for your work.

That's mighty
kind of you there Ray Ray.

Yes it is.
That's mighty kind of you.

He's a little peculiar
today, ain't he?

-Weird.
-Yeah, you have no idea.

Well, if I didn't
know him I'd say

that he's the one
popping them pills.

High up on them drugs,
all hopped up.

(laughing)

You talk about
drugs and Ray Ray.

It's actually more believable
than you might think.

That's all right too.

Oh man, look outside,
there's somebody fighting.

Well, it will fizzle
out in a little bit.

Oh man, they got guns.

Oh yeah, well everybody's
got a gun at that age.

Will y'all just leave,

and go help somebody
before somebody get hurt.

You know what,
if we interrupted a gun fight

we might end up
with a promotion.

A promotion.

All right then.

You are protected.

(chuckles) And you got served.

Dave: (yelling )Hey!

Anybody notice
anything strange

going on with Ray Ray today?

Shaun: What's going on?

What, you mean besides
him being on Ecstasy?

(laughing)

-Being on what?
-Ecstasy man, it's a narcotic.

It allows you to be freaky,
allows you to touch your nipples

and stuff like
it's the '60s baby.

I know what it is.

I'm just asking why Ray Ray,
of all people, would take it.

He old man, you don't know
what them old dudes is doing.

First Viagra one day,
Cialis the next,

then the next day, Ecstasy.

Guys, we've got to get
those pills away from him.

Who is we?

Hey Ray, man. It's Ray y'all.

Ray, come here baby.
Ray baby!

Get off me man,
what's wrong with you?

Ritchie: I love you man,
I love you.

We love you Ray Ray.
We love you.

I love you too
man, I need a hug.

Ray Ray: Okay, okay.

Yeah, it's all about Ray Ray.

* It's your birthday
Go Ray Ray *

* It's your birthday
Get it get it *

(beatboxing)

* It's Ray Ray
in the house cuz he killing it *

What kinda pills
you got there Shaun?

(crying)

Why are you crying?

He's just happy that
the police are around

and we don't get in
trouble, yeah.

Well he needs to dry
up and get back to work.

What is going on?

(indistinct radio chatter)

We'll talk to you, okay.

What the hell is
going on in here?

Ain't nobody
answering the phone.

Ray Ray: Hey, my boo.

You gotta come home
with me right now.

Now you can go sit in the car

and I'll be with
you in a minute.

Come on baby, that's
how you got to do it.

Go ahead, go ahead.
I'll be with you.

Wife: Okay? Okay now.
I'll be there.

I don't know what
y'all did to him

but keep it up!

We don't know what
you're talking about.

Ray Ray hasn't touched
me in eight months.

Eight months, probably
more like eight years.

Whatever happened today,
it needs to happen

four more times by next year.

(yelling)
If not, everybody's fired.

Well you know what,

since you put it like
that, you got it.

I'm on top of it.
Or should I say you will be?

-Shaun: Enjoy your day.
-Wife: Thank you.

That was close.

And disgusting.

Oh my God! Okay listen.

Let's just keep this between us.

Okay everybody, this stays here.

Yeah, I'm sorry guys,
no more Ecstasy for me.

Okay, I promise, I promise.

Things are back to normal.
Ray Ray will sleep it off,

the wife's obviously happy

and we didn't get caught.

Exactly. What happens at
Ray Ray's stays at Ray Ray's.

Look I've had enough
excitement for one day,

I'm making an executive
decision everybody.

Clock out. Today is over.

-Yeah
-All right.

Yes, I like the sound of that.

Ritchie: Let's go grab
a cold one.

Ritchie: I mean, that was
pretty funny.

I'm sorry guys,
no more, I promise.

Oh. Hold on.

* (funk music)

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.