Clueless (1995) - full transcript

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSlC)

CHER: Okay, you're probably going,
"Is this a Noxzema commercial or what?"

But seriously, I actually have
a way normal life for a teenage girl.

I get up, I brush my teeth,
and I pick out my school clothes.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

CHER: Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.

-Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.
-(LUCY EXCLAlMlNG FRANTlCALLY)

And Daddy's so good, he gets
$500 an hour to fight with people.

He fights with me for free
because I'm his daughter.

-Daddy.
-Cher, please don't start

-with the juice again.
-Daddy, you need your vitamin C.



Where's my briefcase?

lt's been a couple of months now,
so l said we'd go out to Malibu.

Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes
have been calling again.

They are your parents.
And don't try sneaking out of the office.

Dr. Lovett's coming by
to give you a flu shot.

Josh is in town, he's coming for dinner.

-Why?
-He's your stepbrother.

You were hardly even married to
his mother and that was five years ago.

-Why do l have to see Josh?
-You divorce wives, not children.

-Here.
-Forget it!

CHER: Did l showyou
the loqued-out jeep Daddy got me?

It's got four-wheel drive, dual side
airbags, and a monster sound system.

I don't have a license yet,
but I needed something to learn on.

Boy, they came out of nowhere.



Here's where Dionne lives.

She's my friend because we both know
what it's like

to have people be jealous of us.

Dude!

Girlfriend!

CHER: And I must give her snaps
for her courageous fashion efforts.

Hey, Cher.

CHER: Dionne and l were both named
after great singers of the past

who now do infomercials.

So?

Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?

At least l wouldn't skin a collie
to make my backpack.

CHER: lt's faux.

-Hello! That was a stop sign.
-l totally paused.

Yeah. Okay.

DlONNE: lt's not even 8:30
and Murray is paging me.

-He is so possessive.
-Tell me about it.

This weekend he called me
and he's all, "Where were you?"

l'm like, "l'm at my grandmother's..."

CHER: Dionne and her boyfriend Murray
are in this dramatic relationship.

I think they've seen
that Ike and Tina Turner movie

just too many times.

Now I have to say to her...

De, why do you put up with it?
You could do so much better.

l know. Shh. Here he comes.

Woman, why don't you be answering
any of my pages?

-l hate when you call me "woman."
-Where you been all weekend?

-You jeeping behind my back?
-Jeeping?

Jeeping. Know what l'm saying?

No, but speaking of vehicular sex

perhaps you can explain
how this cheap K-Mart hair extension

-got into the back seat of your car.
-l don't know where that came from.

That looks like one of your little stringy
things you got up in your hair.

l do not wear polyester hair, okay?

Unlike some people l know,
like Shawana.

-De, l'm Audi.
-Bye.

-Why do you gotta go there?
-That's it! l've had it with you!

-ls it that time of the month again?
-(ALL GASP)

CHER: l don't know why Dionne's
going out with a high-school boy.

They're like dogs.

You have to clean them
and feed them and...

They're just like
these nervous creatures

that jump and slobber all over you.

Ew! Get off of me.

Ugh! As if!

Should all oppressed people
be allowed refuge in America?

Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.

Cher, two minutes.

So, okay.

Like right now, for example, the Haitians
need to come to America.

But some people are all, "What about
the strain on our resources?"

But it's like, when l had this garden
party for my father's birthday, right?

l said RSVP
because it was a sit-down dinner.

But people came that, like, did not
RSVP. So, l was like totally bugging.

l had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food,

squish in extra place settings,

but by the end of the day
it was, like, the more the merrier.

And so, if the government could just
get to the kitchen,

rearrange some things, we could
certainly party with the Haitians.

And in conclusion,
may l please remind you

that it does not say "RSVP"
on the Statue of Liberty.

Thank you very much.

(SHRlEKS EXClTEDLY)

Amber, a reply?

Mr. Hall, how can l answer that?

The topic is Haiti
and she's talking about some little party.

Hello! lt was his 50th birthday.

Whatever. lf she doesn't
do the assignment, l can't do mine.

Ladies.

So, does anyone have
any further thoughts on Cher's oration?

Elton, comments?

Yeah, l can't find my Cranberries CD.
l gotta go to the Quad

-before somebody snags it.
-l'm afraid l can't permit that.

-Any further insights?
-l had an insight, Mr. Hall.

l'm all ears.

Okay. Like, the way l feel
about the Rolling Stones

is the way my kids are gonna feel
about Nine lnch Nails,

so l really shouldn't torment my mum
anymore, huh?

Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject
of Haiti

but tolerance is always a good lesson.

-Thank you.
-Even when it comes out of nowhere.

And with that in mind,
l'm going to distribute your report cards.

Now, is there a Christian Stovitz
in this class?

Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is
that his parents have joint custody,

so he'll be spending one semester
in Chicago and one semester here.

l think it is a travesty
on the part of the legal profession.

Thank you for that perspective, Cher.

(SOBBlNG)

Now, could all conversations
please come to a halt?

And could the suicide attempts

please be postponed
till the next period?

CHER: Suddenly, a dark cloud
settled over first period.

I got a C in Debate?

CHER: De?
DlONNE: What's up?

-Did you get your report card?
-Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?

l totally choked.
My father is gonna go ballistic on me.

Mr. Hall was way harsh.

He gave me a C-.

He gave me a C,
which drags down my entire average.

-Bye.
-l'll call you, okay?

Yeah.

CHER: Isn't my house classic?

The columns date
all the way back to 1972.

Wasn't my mum a Betty?
She died when I was just a baby,

a fluke accident
during a routine liposuction.

I don't remember her, but I like
to pretend she still watches over me.

Ma, 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?

(SAD MUSlC PLAYlNG ON THE RADlO)

CHER: Yuck.

The maudlin music
of the university station?

(lMlTATES CRYlNG)

(SAD MUSlC PLAYlNG ON THE RADlO)

What is it about college
and crybaby music?

Who's watching the galleria?

So, the flannel shirt deal,

is that a nod
to the crispy Seattle weather

or you trying to stay warm
in front of the refrigerator?

Oh, my, you're filling out there.

Wow. Your face is catching up
with your mouth.

-l went by Dad's office.
-He is not your dad.

Why don't you torture a new family?

Just because my mother
married someone else

doesn't mean he's my father.

Actually, Kato,
that's exactly what it means.

l hope you're not thinking
of staying here.

-l sure want to.
-l'm sure you do.

l got a place in Westwood near school.

Shouldn't you go to school
on the East Coast?

l hear girls at NYU
aren't at all particular.

You're funny.

What's your problem, Beavis?

NEWSCASTER: ...infantry furiously
trading machine gun fire.

You just got here and already
you're playing Couch Commando.

ln some parts of the universe,
maybe not in Contempo Casual

but in some parts, it's considered cool
to know what's going on in the world.

Thank you, Josh. l so need lessons
from you on how to be cool.

Tell me that part about Kenny G again.

MEL: Come on, you chuckleheads,
get in here.

Josh, are you still growing?
You look taller than you did at Easter.

l don't think so.

-Doesn't he look bigger?
-His head does.

Josh, have you given any thought
to our little discussion

about corporate law?

Yeah, but l think l'd really like to
check out environmental law.

What for? You want to have
a miserable, frustrating life?

Josh will have that
no matter what he does.

At least he knows what he wants to do

and he's in a good college. l'd like
to see you have a little bit of direction.

-l have direction.
-Yeah. Towards the mall.

MEL: Which reminds me,
where's your report card?

-lt's not ready yet.
-What do you mean, it's not ready yet?

Well, some teachers
were trying to lowball me, Daddy.

And l know how you say
never accept a first offer,

so l figure these grades are just
a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Very good.

-(PHONE RlNGlNG)
-Whose is that?

De?

Hello? Yeah, Jake, what?

No, not the afternoon!

You are such a brownnoser.

And you are
such a superficial space cadet.

What makes you think you'll get
teachers to change your grades?

Only the fact that l've done it
every other semester.

CHER: I told my P.E. teacher
an evil male had broken my heart,

so she raised my C to a B.

-Miserable.
-They're horrible.

-l can't eat, l can't sleep.
-Don't feel bad. l know.

And you see, they're all like that.

CHER: Then I promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing campaign

to my congressman
about violations of the Clean Air Act.

But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.

He said my debates
were unresearched,

unstructured, and unconvincing.

As if!

I felt impotent and out of control,
which I really hate.

I needed to find sanctuary in a place
where I could gather my thoughts

and regain my strength.

(SWEEPlNG lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC)

Dude, what's wrong?

Are you suffering
from buyer's remorse or something?

God, no, nothing like that. lt's just that

we've been shopping all day and l still
don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.

l tried everything to convince him
of my scholastic aptitude

but l was brutally rebuffed.

Get over it. He's a miserable little man
who wants to make

everyone else miserable, too.

De, that's it.

We've got to figure out a way
to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.

CHER: Here's the 41 1 on Mr. Hall.

He's single, he's 47, and he earns
minor ducats at a thankless job.

What that man needs
is a good, healthy boink fest.

Unfortunately, there was
a major babe drought in my school.

The evil trolls from the
Math Department were actually married.

Snickers.

And in the grand tradition
of P.E. teachers

Miss Stoeger seemed to
be same-sex oriented.

Of course,
there was always Miss Geist.

Something told me not to discount
Miss Geist.

Sure, she has runs in her stockings
and her slip is always showing

and she has more lipstick on her teeth
than on her mouth.

Popular uprisings from Estates
to the general assembly.

CHER: God, this woman is screaming
for a makeover.

I'm her only hope.

DlONNE: "Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May

"But thy eternal summer shall not fade"

Phat! Did you write that?

-Duh! lt's like a famous quote.
-From where?

Cliffs Notes.

l know you're going to be
doing better, Travis.

No, if you run along,
l'll see you third period.

And we'll try to remember to bring
our textbooks.

TRAVlS: Okay.

My God, she actually looked happy!

Classic.

-Paroudasm Banafshein.
-Here.

Sixteen tardies to work off.

(CURSlNG lN FORElGN LANGUAGE)

Janet Hong, no tardies.

Travis Birkenstock, 38 tardies.
By far the most tardies in the class.

Congratulations.

This is so unexpected,
l didn't even have a speech prepared.

But l would like to say this,

tardiness is not something you can do
all on your own.

Many people
contributed to my tardiness.

l'd like to thank my parents
for never giving me a ride to school.

The LA City bus drivers for taking
a chance on an unknown kid.

And last, but not least,
the wonderful crew at McDonald's

for spending hours
making those Egg McMuffins

without which l might never be tardy.

lf Mr. Birkenstock
has no political messages

to include in his speech, l'll go on.

Cher Horowitz, two tardies.

CHER: l object.

Do you recall the dates
of these alleged tardies?

One was last Monday.

Mr. Hall,
l was surfing the crimson wave.

l had to haul ass to the ladies'.

l assume you're referring to women's
troubles and so l'll let that one slide.

Thank you, Mr. Hall.
Miss Geist was right about you.

What do you mean?

She said that you were the only one
in the school with any intelligence.

Cher, get in here.

Yes, Daddy?

Would you tell me what the hell this is?

A second notice
for three outstanding tickets.

l don't remember getting a first notice.

The ticket is the first notice.

l didn't even know you can get tickets
without a license.

Sure you can.
You can get tickets anytime.

ls that so? Not around here, you can't.

From this moment on,
you will not drive, sit,

do anything in that jeep
without a supervised driver present.

No cruising around with Dionne,
all right?

Two permits do not equal a license.
Do l make myself clear?

Yes, Daddy.

l expect you to become a good driver.
l wanna see you apply yourself.

-l will. l'm gonna practice real hard.
-Okay.

CHER: A licensed driver with nothing
to do? Where would I find such a loser?

Granola breath,
you got something on your chin.

-l'm growing a goatee.
-That's good.

You don't wanna be the last one
at the coffee house without chin pubes.

l can't tell you how much l enjoy
these little chats of ours

but in the interest of saving time,
why don't you tell me what you want?

Okay.

So, actually

l have a permit and l can drive and all

but Daddy says l can't take the jeep out
without a licensed driver.

And since you're not doing
anything and all...

What are the chances of you
shutting up till you get your way?

Slim to none. Come on!

James Bond, in America we drive
on the right side of the road.

l am. You try driving in platforms.

l got to get back to school.
Wanna practice parking?

What's the point?
Everywhere you go has valet.

What class are you going to?

Actually, l'm going
to a tree people meeting.

We might get Marky Mark to plant
a celebrity tree.

How fabulous.

Getting Marky Mark to take time from
his busy pants-dropping schedule

to plant trees?

Josh, why don't you
just hire a gardener?

Well, maybe Marky Mark wants to use
his popularity for a good cause.

Make a contribution.

ln case you've never heard of that,
a contribution is the giving of...

Excuse me, but l have donated
many expensive ltalian outfits to Lucy.

...time and funds.

And, as soon as l get my license,
l fully intend to brake for animals.

And l've contributed many hours helping
two lonely teachers find romance.

Which, l'll bet, serves your interests
more than theirs.

lf l ever saw you do anything
that wasn't 90% selfish, l'd die of shock.

That'd be reason enough for me.

-Would you call me selfish?
-No, not to your face.

Really?

ls Josh giving you shit
'cause he's going through

his post-adolescent idealistic phase?

Look, there's Mr. Hall.

Mr. Hall.

Do you drink coffee?

Not from this cafeteria.

But, yes, under normal circumstances.

l am such a retard. When l was packing
Daddy's lunch this morning

l gave him my lemon Snapple
and l took his sucky ltalian roast.

-Do you want it?
-DlONNE: Mmm.

-Are you sure you don't want it?
-lt might stunt my growth.

And l wanna be 5'1 0"
like Cindy Crawford.

l thought maybe you
or Miss Geist might like it.

Maybe you could share it.

-Thanks.
-Sure.

-BOTH: Miss Geist.
-Hi, girls.

Did you sign up
for the environmental fair?

Yeah, we will.

You have such pretty eyes.
Don't hide them.

-These clips are so cute.
-This top is so '80s.

And this tiny little waist.

-Girls.
-You are so sweet.

Don't forget to sign up
for the environmental fair.

Not a total Betty,
but a vast improvement.

We did our best.

We gotta book
if we're gonna make it to P.E.

CHER: Come on, De.

l feel like bailing, dude. Come on.

l know what you mean, but at least
it's exercise. l feel like such a heifer.

l had two bowls of Special K,
three pieces of turkey bacon,

a handful of popcorn,
five peanut butter M&M's

-and like three pieces of licorice.
-(GASPS) My God. Look.

ls that a photo op or what?

(lNDlSTlNCT)

CHER: Would you look
at that body language?

Legs crossed toward each other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.

-Cher, he's getting her digits.
-Look at Geist. She's so cute.

Old people can be so sweet.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(lNDlSTlNCT)

CHER: The entire student body was
utterly grateful for the improvement

in their grades.

-Cher, what's this all about?
-My report card.

-The same semester?
-Uh-huh.

What'd you do,
turn in some extra-credit reports?

No.

-Did you take the midterms over?
-Uh-uh.

You mean to tell me
that you argued your way

from a C+ to an A-?

Totally based on my
powers of persuasion. Are you proud?

Honey, l couldn't be happier
than if they were based on real grades.

-Fabulous.
-Thank you.

CHER: l felt so satisfied,
I wanted to do more good deeds.

(SNEEZES)

De, when your allergies act up,
take out your nose ring.

Follow through. There you go.

All right, Cher.

Earth to Cher! Come in, Cher!

(LAUGHlNG) Oh!

Miss Stoeger.

l would just like to say that physical
education in this school is a disgrace.

l mean, standing in line for 40 minutes
is hardly aerobically effective.

l doubt l worked off the calories
in a stick of Carefree gum.

(GlRLS WHOOPlNG)

Well, you certainly exercised
your mouth, Cher. Now hit the ball.

Miss Stoeger, that machine is just
a lawsuit waiting to happen!

Thanks for the legal advice.

Dionne, you're up.

Miss Stoeger, l have a note
from my tennis instructor

and he would prefer it
if l didn't expose myself to any training

that might derail his teachings.

Fine. Amber?

Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon
doesn't want me doing

any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Well, there goes your social life.

Miss Stoeger.

Got another one.

Ladies, we have a new student with us.
This is Tai Fraiser.

Tai, you don't have time to change, but
you can hit a few balls in those clothes.

She could be a farmer in those clothes.

STOEGER: All right, Amber,
that's enough.

De, my mission is clear.

Would you look at that girl?
She is so adorably clueless.

-We've got to adopt her.
-DlONNE: Cher, she is tore up.

Our stock would plummet.

De, don't you want to use
your popularity for a good cause?

-No.
-Come here.

Yeah, come here.

-Hang with us.
-Thank you.

-How do you like California?
-Man, l'm freaking.

l could really use some sort of
an herbal refreshment.

We do lunch in 1 0 minutes.
We don't have any tea

-but we have Coke and stuff.
-No shit! You guys got coke here?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, this is America.

CHER: So we decided to show Tai
the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.

CHER: That is Alana's group over there.
They do the TV station.

They think
that's the most important thing on earth.

And that's the Persian Mafia.

You can't hang with them
unless you own a BMW.

And there's Elton in the white vest.

And all the most popular boys
in the school.

-lncluding my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
-Yeah.

lf you make the decision
to date a high-school boy

they're the only acceptable ones.

Cher, which one of them's
your boyfriend?

As if!

Cher's got attitude
about high-school boys.

lt's a personal choice every woman
has got to make for herself.

Woman, lend me $5.

Murray, l've asked you repeatedly
not to call me "woman."

-Excuse me, Miss Dionne.
-Thank you.

Street slang is an increasingly
valid form of expression.

Most of the feminine pronouns
do have mocking

but not necessarily
misogynistic undertones.

Wow!

You guys talk like grownups.

Well, this is a really good school.

l'm gonna go get a soda.
You guys want?

-Yeah, sure.
-All right.

She's nice.

Project.

Oh, wow!

That's disgusting.

That's nice representation there.

Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.

You like them?
l was thinking it was too cluttered.

l wanna wipe all this out
and concentrate

on one main decorative statement,
like Marvin the Martian right there.

Get out of town!
l can do Marvin the Martian.

Really?

l mean,
there's not really a lot to him, but

-you wanna see?
-Yeah.

Here.

-Wow. That's really cool.
-Thanks.

-You drew that?
-Yeah. And wait, l got

-one here.
-You didn't trace this?

Uh-uh. No.
Here's another one over here.

And lots of little guys.

-That is so cute.
-l love to draw.

You're really good at it.

-No.
-No, really, you are.

-No.
-Yeah.

-Are you sure that's fat-free?
-Yes.

And you lose weight by doing it like this,
cutting it really small.

-l met a really cool guy.
-Describe.

All right, he's got long hair,
he's really funny.

Straight off, right, he offers me
some smoke.

There he is.

-Are you talking about drugs?
-Yeah.

-Tai, how old are you?
-l'll be 1 6 in May.

My birthday's in April,
and as someone older

can l please give you some advice?

lt is one thing to spark up a doobie
and get laced at parties

but it is quite another to be fried all day.

Do you see the distinction?

-Yeah.
-Loadies generally hang

on the grassy knoll over there.

Sometimes they come to class
and say bonehead things

and we all laugh, of course

but no respectable girl
actually dates them.

Mmm-mmm.

You don't wanna start off
on the wrong foot now, do you?

l've got an idea.

-Let's do a makeover.
-(GASPS)

No.

Come on, let us. Cher's main thrill
in life is a makeover, okay?

lt gives her a sense of control
in a world full of chaos.

Please?

Sure. Why not?

Shit, you guys.
l've never had straight friends before.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(lNDlSTlNCT)

Now squeeze your buttocks
when you come up.

-Squeeze here.
-Cher.

l don't wanna do this anymore.

And my buns,
they don't feel nothing like steel.

Okay, it will get easier, l promise.

Just as long as we do it every day,
not just sporadically.

How do you know
if you're doing it sporadically?

That's another thing, Tai. We've got to
work on your accent and vocabulary.

See, "sporadic" means once in a while.
Try and use it in a sentence today.

TAl: All right.
CHER: Okay, from now on

we're alternating Cindy Crawford's
Aerobicize and Buns of Steel

and reading
one non-school book a week.

My first book is Fit orFat.

Mine is, Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus.

Good. That takes care of our minds
and bodies.

But we should do something good
for mankind or the planet

for a couple of hours.

Hey, brainiac.

The dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.

Nice to meet you.

You know about this stuff.

l wanna do something good
for humanity.

How about sterilization?

-What do you think?
-l'm amazed.

That l am devoting myself so generously
to someone else?

No.

That you found someone even more
clueless than you are to worship you.

l am rescuing her from teenage hell.
Do you know the wounds

of adolescence
could take years to heal?

And you've never had a mother,
so you're acting out on that poor girl

like she was your Barbie doll.

Freshman psych rears its ugly head.

-l am not taking psych.
-Whatever.

l'm going to take that lost soul in there
and make her well-dressed and popular.

Her life will be better because of me.
How many girls can say that about you?

(SlNGlNG)
Mentos better, Mentos fresher

Fresh goes better with Mentos
fresh and full of life

MAN: (ON TV) Mentos.

The freshmaker.

-Be seeing you.
-Yeah, l hope not sporadically.

My God, do you see how boys
are responding?

-My heart is totally bursting.
-l know. l'm kvelling.

-Cher, you have Diemer, right?
-Geist.

-Tai, did you get a flyer?
-Uh-uh.

Thanks.

Wow! A party.

lt's in the Valley. The cops usually
break them up in less than an hour.

-lt takes that long to get there.
-Besides, it's just local loadies.

Do you guys think
that Travis is gonna be there?

-Tai, l thought we moved on from there.
-Don't sell yourself short now.

You've got something going
that no one in this school has.

l'm not a virgin.

l mean mystery.
As far as everyone's concerned

you were the most popular girl
in your school.

And the fact
that you hang with De and l, well...

Speaks very highly of you.

lf you strike while the iron is hot,
you can have any guy that you want.

-Yeah.
-Like who?

Let's see, who's available?
There's Bronson, Brandon. l got it!

-Elton. He just broke up with Valette.
-Yes!

Who's Elton?

My God, he's way popular.
He's like the social director of the crew.

And his dad
can get you into any concert.

And l noticed him scoping you out.

-He was looking at me?
-Says you gave him a toothache.

How'd l do that?

lt's an expression.
lt means he thought you were sweet.

Yeah?

Wow!

-ls that true?
-No.

You are so bad.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

CHER: Okay, you guys,
let's all get together. That is great.

Smile.

Tai, get a little closer.

Closer, Tai.

Elton, why don't you put your arm
around Tai?

All right.

CHER: Yeah, that's good.

Okay.

Okay. Tai, come here.

-Hold that.
-Okay.

Cool picture.

-Doesn't she look classic?
-Yeah, she's beautiful.

She looks
like one of those Botticelli chicks.

Why don't you make me
a copy of this, okay?

Sure.

(SHRlEKS EXClTEDLY)

-Hi, Daddy, this is my friend Tai.
-Get out of my chair.

Thank you, Lucy. lt looks great.

What is this crap?

Daddy, it's from
the Cut Your Cholesterol cookbook.

Dr. Lovett says you've got to get down
to 200.

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

-No calls tonight.
-But it's Dionne.

-l'm sorry.
-lt might be important.

We're gonna have a nice family dinner.

So, what did you do in school today?

Well, l broke in my purple clogs.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

-Yeah, hello?
-(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Jake. Yeah. No.

De, what up?

So check it. Murray's Geometry class
is right by Elton's locker

and taped up inside was
the picture you took of Tai.

-My God!
-What?

Elton's got a picture of you
hanging up in his locker.

Oh, no shit!

Hello!

So anyway, the whole crew is going
to this party in the Valley.

Bye.

Looks like we're gonna have to make
a cameo at the Val party.

MEL: l told you l wanted it
in the morning! No!

Just look at the top of the map.
Sun Valley is north.

No. All l see is Bel Air, okay? That's it.

-Then you're on the wrong map.
-l'm not on the wrong map.

Look at the number on the top.

There are no numbers on the top.
There's letters.

(GRUNTlNG lN FRUSTRATlON)

DlONNE: Murray, shut up.
TAl: Do you think it's gonna frizz out?

CHER: Listen, Tai, when we get there,
make sure Elton sees you

but don't say hi first.

Look like you're having fun
and you're really popular.

Talk to someone in his eye line,
preferably a guy.

Make him come to you.

And find an excuse to leave
while he's still into the conversation.

The key is always have him
wanting more. You got it?

-l got it.
-Okay.

TRAVlS: Heads up!

Did you just see that?

God, skateboards.
That is like so five years ago.

You guys came. That's great.
You want a beer? l'll get you one.

All right.

(HlP-HOP MUSlC BLARlNG)

Yeah. This shit is whack.

This is raging.

Let's do a lap before we commit
to a location.

(YELPS) Hey!

Who was that?

Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you were wearing yesterday?

Say, Ambular.

Hi!

Was that you going through my laundry?

As if.

Like l would really wear something
from Judy's.

Do you prefer "fashion victim"
or "ensemble-y challenged?"

A clone.

Cher, you look much better in that dress
than she did.

(GASPS)

Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?

l'm sorry.

Excuse me, my shoe.

This is so not fixable.

lt's a small price to pay to
the party gods. Look, l'll make amends.

How about some chronic shit?

-lt's the least you can do.
-Okay.

Spark it.

CHER: Elton is over there.

Act like Travis is saying
something funny.

Sorry.

-What's so funny?
-Nothing.

CHER: Here.
SUMMER: Hey, everyone.

Let's play Suck and Blow.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

God, Elton, can't you suck?

(DlONNE SCREAMlNG)

lt's De. Come on.

DlONNE: What have you done?

My God.

-Why did you do this to your head?
-'Cause l'm keeping it real.

What? Look what he's done to his head.

-Can you believe this?
-Look at Lawrence's head.

-lt's the bomb.
-Know what l'm saying? You look good!

As will you.

What do you care what he thinks?
l'm the one that has to look at you!

That was a big mistake!
What am l gonna do with you now?

And right before the yearbook pictures.
What am l gonna tell my grandchildren?

You know what? Okay. That's it.
You wanna play games?

-l'm calling your mother.
-No, wait, hold on. No.

-Wait, don't call my mum.
-Come on. Chill, man. Chill!

Don't call my mum!

The same thing happened
at the spring dance.

She spent the entire after-party
in the bathroom.

That almost destroyed my buzz.

l'm still baked.

(ROLLIN' WITH MY HOMIES PLAYING)

What do you say
we go bump into people?

Yeah, l'm cool with that.

TRAVlS: Tai, wait up.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Where's your sense of pit hospitality?

That was so cool the way you did that.
l wish l could do it.

-No, don't.
-Why not?

'Cause if girls did it, what would guys do
to impress them?

l don't know, like, stuff.

-You know?
-What kind of stuff?

-Tai, l need you.
-Okay.

Elton's over there.

Tai. Elton, help me!

-You guys should use ice.
-No, Travis, we've got it under control.

Tai, are you okay?

Travis, Tai would have wanted you
to enjoy the party.

lf it's a concussion, you have to keep
her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.

-What's seven times seven?
-Stuff she knows.

-That's some bump you've got there.
-Yeah.

-You ready to go back out there?
-Yeah, l am.

All right. You sure? Can you do this?

(SlNGlNG) Rolling with the homies

Rolling with the homies

Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.

CHER: I had to give myself snaps
for all the good deeds I was doing.

It was so great. Love was everywhere.

Even though I was alone,
I was really happy for Tai.

It's like that book I read in ninth grade
that said,

"'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff
for other people."

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

CHER: Hello?
MEL: Do you know what time it is?

A watch doesn't really
go with this outfit, Daddy.

Where are you?

l'm just having a snack
with my girlfriends.

-Where, in Kuwait?
-ls that in the Valley?

Cher, I expect you to walk in this door
in 20 minutes.

Well, it might take
longer than that, Dad.

Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes.

CHER: Sorry to make you leave.

Dionne's bucking for
Best Dramatic Actress at a Val Party.

Hey, Summer.

Hi. Pretty random fiesta.
Do you need a ride home?

-That'd be great. Thanks.
-No, l got her.

l'm right below
Wilshire and Linden, so...

That's right near me.
l'm above Olympic.

Great. Then, Tai, you'll go with Summer
and, Cher, you'll come with me.

Actually, you could take Wilshire
to Canon and that turns into Benedict.

Well, then she'd have to go back south
and l'm already going north.

But you could take Tai on your way
up to Sunset.

-Yeah.
-That doesn't make any sense.

l'd have to get off the freeway.
l hate that. Tai, go with Summer.

Cher, you'll come with me.
Watch your feet.

CHER: Didn't Tai look cute tonight?

(SlNGlNG) Turn away

Turn away

l really love her hair
when it's all wild, you know.

lt's also very pretty when it's all up
with that curly tendrils

like in that picture l took.

You know,
you're one of my best friends.

And l do not have friends that are girls.

Well, l'm glad because your happiness
means a lot to me.

lt does?

Sure. l saw how hard your breakup
with Valette was.

Yeah. l think we both know
what it feels like to be lonely.

Whatever. The thing is
l'd really like to see you settled already.

CHER: Where are we going?

l knew it.

You knew what?

-That you were totally sprung on me.
-Hello! Don't you mean Tai?

-Tai?
-You have her picture in your locker.

l have the picture you took in my locker.

l'm having a Twin Peaks experience.

-l knew it. l knew when you kissed me.
-Suck and Blow is a game, Elton.

No, it's not.

Stop it.

Fine. You know, l don't get you, Cher.
l mean, you flirt with me all year.

As if.

l have been trying to get you together
with Tai.

Tai? Why would l go with Tai?

-Why not?
-Why not? Why not?

Don't you even know who my father is?

You are a snob and a half.

Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai.

(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)

We don't make any sense. Right?

Me and you.

Well, l mean, that makes sense.

-Cut it out!
-Come on, Cher.

Stop it!

Cher. Where you going?

You're only hurting yourself here, baby.
Come on.

You gonna walk home?
Get back in the car, please.

Get back in the car.

Leave me alone.

Fine.

Where are you going?

(WHlMPERlNG)

Shit.

OPERATOR: Valley lnformation.

Do you have the number
of a cab company?

Which one?

l don't know which one.
What do you have out here?

-We have Valley Cab.
-Hand it over.

-Give me the phone. Okay.
-(WHlMPERlNG)

Your bag, too. Come on!

All right. Now, get down on the ground.
Face down.

-Come on!
-Oh, no. You don't understand.

This is an Alaia.

An A-what?

lt's like a totally important designer.

And l will totally shoot you in the head.

Get down.

(WHlMPERlNG)

That's good. That's good right there.
All right.

Count to 1 00. Thank you.

One, two...

CHER: The evening had turned into
a royal mess.

Sexually harassed. Robbed.

I didn't know the number of the party,
so I couldn't call Dionne.

And Daddy would kill me
if he knew where I was.

There was just one person left to call

and I really, really didn't want
to call him.

JOSH: Come on.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

-Hello?
-Josh, you busy?

-Who is it?
-lt's Mel's daughter.

So, okay, l was at this party
and my designated driver

tried to attack me,
so l got out so he'd stop.

But then he drove off and deserted me.

And then this guy with a gun
held me up, took my money

(CRYlNG) and my phone
and he yelled at me

and he forced me to ruin my dress.

Okay. Look, where are you?

Sun Valley.

Man, you owe me.

Look, the man is ridiculous.
He doesn't have one unique thought

in his little, puny brain.

l think that there's some merit
in learning forms straight off.

Josh, please. He's taken our minds
at their most fecund point.

-What?
-And restrained them before they've

wandered through the garden of ideas.

lt's just like Hamlet said,
"To thine own self be true."

No, Hamlet didn't say that.

l think
that l remember Hamlet accurately.

l remember Mel Gibson accurately
and he didn't say that.

That Polonius guy did.

(CHUCKLlNG)

l'm gonna walk Heather to her door.
Try and stay out of trouble.

CHER: Ew!

My life is turning into
a bigger disaster than Malibu.

I didn't know
what I was going to say to Tai.

I felt really nervous.

And even Fabianne, my masseuse,
said I had a lot of tension in my back.

lt's my hips, isn't it?

-No, of course not.
-Yes.

Don't be stupid.
You could do so much better.

-He thinks he's all that, Tai.
-Yeah, God's gift.

You're too good for him.

lf l'm too good for him,
then how come l'm not with him?

l have got an idea.
Let's blow off seventh and eighth

go to the mall, have a calorie fest,
and see the new Christian Slater.

Yes!

Aw! You guys.

CHER: Look at him.

Baby!

Break me off a piece of that.

-Survey says?
-Doable.

Puny. l like them big.

Ew! l hate muscles.

You know what,
l don't really care either way.

Just as long as his you-know-what
isn't crooked. l really hate that.

-What?
-DlONNE: Shh.

-Don't scare her.
-Why, what's wrong?

Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.

Cher, you're a virgin?

God, you say that like it's a bad thing.

Besides, the P.C. term
is "hymenally challenged."

l am just not interested in doing it
until l find the right person.

You see how picky l am about
my shoes, and they only go on my feet.

Yeah.

-God, you're one to talk, De.
-Wait a minute here. Wait.

l thought that, like,
you and Murray were...

My man is satisfied.
He's got no cause for complaints.

But technically, l am a virgin.
You know what l mean.

(ROLLIN' WITH MY HOMIES
PLAYlNG ON SPEAKER)

Oh, God.

-What's wrong, Tai?
-They're playing our song.

You know, the one that Elton and l
danced to.

Ohhh!

(SlNGlNG) Rolling with the homies

-Tai. Don't cry.
-l'm sorry.

Oh, God.

Stop!

CHER: I could tell Tai's grieving period
would be considerable

unless I found someone
to take Elton's place right away.

So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor
to my generation and all

but I don't get how guys dress today.

I mean, come on,
it looks like they just fell out of bed

and put on some baggy pants
and take their greasy hair

and cover it up with a backwards cap
and, like, we're expected to swoon?

I don't think so.

Searching for a boy in high school is
as useless as searching for meaning

in a Pauly Shore movie.

(SLOW ROMANTlC
lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC)

So this must be the elusive Christian.

-Where should l park?
-There's one, third back.

CHER: Okay. Now I know I said I'd find
a guy for Tai

but I suppose there's no harm
in finding one for myself also.

Nice stems.

Thanks.

-MR. HALL: Cher?
-Present.

l guess we established that
during attendance.

-lt's time for your oral.
-Excuse me?

Your original oral.
The topic is violence in the media.

Oh!

So, okay.

The Attorney General says

there's too much violence on TV
and that should stop.

But even if you took out all the violent
shows, you could still see the news.

Until mankind is peaceful enough
not to have violence on the news

there's no point in taking it out of shows
that need it for entertainment value.

Thank you.

Any comments? Elton?

My foot hurts. Can l go to the nurse?

Travis?

Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Fine holiday fun.

Hello! Was l the only one listening?

l mean, l thought it reeked.

l believe that was your
designer impostor perfume.

(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)

l dug it.

CHER: During the next few days,
I did what any normal girl would do...

I sent myself love letters

and flowers and candy,

just so he'd see how desired I was,
in case he didn't already know.

CHER: Christian.

CHER: And anything you can do
to draw attention to your mouth is good.

Also, sometimes
you have to show a little skin.

This reminds guys of being naked,
and then they think of sex.

-Hey, duchess?
-Yes?

-You rationed this weekend?
-Huh?

Like Saturday.

l'm new, but l thought maybe
you had an in on the heavy clambakes.

My ex-stepbrother's friends
are having a party.

Solid.

CHER: Suddenly Daddy had a case
that had to be solved right away

so some clerks and Josh came to help
him go through a gazillion depositions.

(DOORBELL RlNGlNG)

CHER: Daddy!
MEL: What?

l can't just open it,
l have to make him wait a while!

Then he can wait outside.

Josh, please?

Come on, Josh!

(WHlMPERlNG) Come on!

What do you hear?

She's not ready.

CHRlSTlAN: Hey, man.

Nice pile of bricks you got here.

-You drink?
-No, thanks. l'm cool.

l'm not offering.
l'm asking you if you drink.

You think l'd give alcohol to
teenage drivers taking my daughter out?

Hey, man, the protective vibe, l dig.

What's with you, kid?

You think the death of Sammy Davis
left an opening in the rat pack?

(SWEEPlNG ORCHESTRAL MUSlC)

Christian.

CHRlSTlAN: Doll face.

Handsome.

Stunning.

You're not letting her go out like that,
are you?

-Cher, get in here.
-What's up, Daddy?

-What the hell is that?
-A dress.

-Says who?
-Calvin Klein.

lt looks like underwear!
Go upstairs and put something over it!

l was just going to.

MEL: Hey, you!

Anything happens to my daughter,
l got a .45 and a shovel.

l doubt anybody would miss you.

Bye, Daddy.

Come on.

-lt's so killer.
-Thank you.

-Your dad is pretty scary.
-lsn't he?

-You like Billie Holiday?
-l love him.

Right.

(MISS BROWN TO YOU
PLAYlNG ON STEREO)

-l didn't like him.
-What's to like?

-Maybe l should go to the party.
-lf you feel like you should go.

-You don't need me, do you?
-No.

-l mean, unless you want me to stay...
-Josh, go to the party. Go.

Okay.

-l'll watch her for you.
-Okay.

You do that.

(SlNGlNG SOMEDAY l SUPPOSE)

Tai!

Oh, my God!

Tai, are you okay?

God, shit, that is so embarrassing.

No, no one saw.

Good. Now all night long l'll be known
as "that girl who fell on her butt."

Tai, no one noticed.

Wow, are you okay?
That looked really bad.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, my God, Cher, look.

He's going with Amber?

No, he's probably just dancing with her.

-Do you think she's pretty?
-She's a full-on Monet.

-What's a Monet?
-lt's like the paintings, see?

From far away it's okay,
but up close it's a big old mess.

Let's ask a guy.

Christian, what do you think ofAmber?

-Hagsville.
-See?

Dig this, they're charging for brewskies.

-Pass me a fin, l'll pay you back?
-Sure.

Thanks.

Oh, he is so cute.

Oh, my God, do you see
how he's falling in love with me?

Excuse me.

l mean, look how he ignores
every other girl.

What's it all about?
What am l gonna do with that?

l wouldn't know.

Oh, God, look. There's Josh.

CHER: l didn't even see him come in.

But it's like he finds
the only adult in here.

Like he's deliberately trying
to not have fun.

Cher, l have a question.

What should l do with this,
should l tie it around

-or put it over my shoulders?
-Tie it around your waist.

-Ready to slide?
-Thanks.

Let's go.

(SlNGlNG WHERE'D YOU GO?)

CHER: The band was kicking
and Christian was the hottest guy there.

But my enjoyment was put on pause
when I saw how unhappy Tai was.

-Hi.
-Hi.

When l see a beautiful girl,
l think we were born to move.

What?

(GASPS) Look! Josh is dancing with Tai!
He never dances.

l can see why.

No, he's doing her a prop
so she won't be left out.

-Oh, l dig you.
-Aw!

-How are you guys holding up?
-l'm so ready to leave.

Tired.

Let's get Christian and go. Christian

-you wanna go?
-Now?

These guys right here got the skinny
on the happening after-hours.

My trainer's coming really early
this morning.

-Look, l could take the girls home.
-No, that's all right.

-No, it's fine, stay.
-You sure?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks, man. You got my marker.

You are a down girl.
l'll call you tomorrow.

CHER: lt was really decent of you
to dance with Tai tonight.

JOSH: My pleasure.

Did you notice
any positive changes in her?

Yeah.

Under your tutelage, she's exploring
the challenging world of bare midriffs.

So you didn't want to make a night of it
with the ring-a-ding kid?

Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic.

lt's not like he's going to sleep.

No. Not if they're going
to finish those depos.

Hey, you know what would be so dope?
lf we got some really delicious takeout.

l bet they haven't eaten all night.

Yeah, that would be pretty dope of us.

Let's do it.

CHER: The midnight snack
totally revived

the lawyers
and Daddy was way grateful.

Meat.

Eat oranges, you get a lot of vitamin C.
Daddy, no!

-You know you can't have that.
-Cher, come on!

Don't be silly.

CHER: I know it sounds mental

but sometimes I have more fun
vegging out than when I go partying.

Maybe because my party clothes
are so binding.

Look, l'm just curious.

How many hours a day do you spend
grooming yourself?

Some people are not lucky enough
to be as naturally adorable as you are.

Stop it, you're making me blush.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello.

GAlL: Hi, Cher, how are you?

Hi, Gail.

Is my son there
cleaning out your refrigerator?

No, he's not here.

You should try the dorms.

All right. Bye, hon.

Bye-bye.

What was that all about?

She wants me to come home
for spring break.

What's the big deal?
Nobody will be in school.

Yeah, but Husband Number 4
is at home

and his whole idea
of acting like a family is to criticize me.

So what, you're gonna roam around
campus for two weeks all by yourself?

l don't mind.

That is stupid.
Why don't you just come here,

you can have your old room, and
there are gonna be some great parties.

-No.
-Why not?

You got your whole social world
going on. l don't want to get in the way.

You won't be in the way.

How much fun would it be
having a brother-type tagging along?

Josh, you are not my brother.

Look, you know what l mean.

Come on, you need some excitement
in your life.

lt will replenish you for your finals.

-Okay.
-Good.

l can't believe l'm taking advice
from someone who watches cartoons.

Be quiet, you idiot!

That's Ren and Stimpy.

They are way existential.

Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?

No. Why, do l sound like l do?

(SWEEPlNG lNSTRUMENTAL MUSlC
RlSlNG lN TEMPO)

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

CHER: Christian said he'd call
the next day

but in boy time that meant Thursday.

You can imagine my astonishment

to hear from him
while I was packing Daddy up.

Hello?

CHER: He said he'd come over with
some videotapes and we'd watch them.

A night alone with Christian?
I sent for reinforcements.

De!

CHER: Then De and l
had to design a lighting concept.

And costume decisions.

I don't rely on mirrors
so I always take Polaroids.

Whenever a boy comes, you should
always have something baking.

Oh! l'm still all red!

l'm trying to make you
as white as l can, Cher.

Look, you're all flushed.
You have to calm down. Okay, calm.

You know, l am so glad l never did it

with someone
l had lukewarm feelings for

'cause Christian is brutally hot.

And l am gonna
remember tonight forever.

Blot.

Hi.

Something burning?

Oh, my God!

Oh, honey, you baked.

l tried.

Come on. Show me the rest of your pad.

Your father
has a well-rounded collection.

Daddy says it's a good investment.

He's absolutely right. Claes Oldenburg.

Oh, he's way famous.

But this is older, see? Transitional.

A very important piece.

You want to go swimming?

(EXCLAlMS DlSMlSSlVELY)

-Let's watch the movies.
-Oh, okay.

CHER: Christian had a thing
for Tony Curtis

so he brought over Some Like lt Hot
and Sparaticus.

Singer of songs.

For whom did you practice
this wondrous talent?

For the children of my master
whom I also taught the classics.

Classics, indeed?

What position have we, I wonder,
for a boy of such varied gifts?

You shall be my body servant.
Instruct him.

All of you, come with me.

My feet are cold.

Thanks.

Oh, watch this part. This is good.

Are you okay?

l'm fine.

Do you want something to drink?
You know, l could get you some wine.

No.

You notice how wine makes people
want to feel, like sexy?

That's okay.

l'm actually getting tired.

But l can make you some coffee
if you'd like.

Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.

You had all those cappuccinos before.

Well, you know, that was, like, foam.

You're great. We're friends, right?

Knock me a little kiss.

l'll see you.

CHER: I don't get it. Did my hair get flat?

Did I stumble into some bad lighting?

What's wrong with me?

Nothing! Maybe he really was tired.

l suppose it wasn't meant to be.
l mean, he does dress better than l do.

What would l bring to the relationship?

Get back into the right lane.
What's the first thing you do?

The first thing l do is l put on my blinker.

Oh, wait, shit.

-Watch the road!
-All right! Stop!

Then l look in my mirror.

Okay. Then l glance at my blind spot.

You glance with your head
not the whole car!

l swear to God...

l swear to God, woman,
you can't drive for shit!

-l'm not trying to hear that. No.
-Hear me! You...

Actually, going all the way
is like a really big decision.

l can't believe
l was so capricious about it.

De, l almost had sex with him.

You almost had sex with who?

Christian.

What?

Look, are you bitches
blind or something?

-Your man Christian is a cake boy.
-A what?

He's a disco-dancing,
Oscar Wilde-reading,

Streisand ticket-holding,
friend of Dorothy.

You know what l'm saying?

-Uh-uh. No way.
-He's gay.

-Not even.
-Yes, even.

He does like to shop, Cher.
And the boy can dress.

Oh, my God, l am totally bugging.

l feel like such a bonehead.

What the hell?
You're getting on the freeway!

-What?
-No, turn right! Get out of the lane!

No! Forget procedure,
just get out of the lane!

-A truck!
-(GlRLS SCREAMlNG)

CHER: (SCREAMlNG)
We're on the freeway!

What do l do, Murray?

MURRAY: Just go straight!
Go straight! Go!

Oh, shit!

Just relax and drive, baby.
Just relax and drive.

-Okay.
-(CARS HONKlNG)

MURRAY: l'm here with you.

Shut up!

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

Whatever you do, keep your hands
on the wheel at all times!

-(SCREAMlNG)
-(TRUCK HONKlNG)

MURRAY: Oh, my God!

Just go!

-Turn to the right!
-Okay.

Oh, there it is. All right, we're off.

(DlONNE WHlMPERlNG)

You did wonderful.

-lt's all right, baby. Relax.
-You did it, De.

Honey, relax. Baby, relax.

Breathe, breathe in.
Breathe and let it out.

Breathe, honey, breathe. Relax.

CHER: Boy, getting offthe freeway
makes you realize how important love is.

After that, Dionne's virginity
went from "technical" to "nonexistent"

and I realized how much
I wanted a boyfriend of my own.

Not that Christian wasn't a blast
to hang out with,

he was becoming one of my favorite
shopping partners.

The black one was, but so is the red.

Where's Tai?

She met some random guys
at the Foot Locker

and escorted them right over there.

Oh, my God, did you?

l don't know where she meets
these Barneys.

-l have a question, all right?
-What?

The jacket, is it James Dean
or Jason Priestley?

Carpe diem, okay? You looked hot in it.

Really?

-lf l fall...
-Don't worry.

-...would you guys catch me?
-Yeah!

Could they please be more generic?

(TAl SCREAMS)

Stop it! Please!

Put me back up! Please put me back!

Put me down!

Thank you.

-You asshole!
-Hey, man, we're just joking.

Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.

-Oh, my God.
-lt's okay.

Cher, you don't understand,
l was sitting there

and l was talking to those guys
and all of a sudden

we were laughing and they were...

-Hey, you okay?
-Yeah.

-You sure?
-l'm fine. Uh-huh.

-Let's get you home for some R and R.
-What's that?

CHER: Boy, considering
how clueless she was

Tai certainly had
that damsel in distress act down.

Meanwhile, back at school,
everyone was talking about

Tai's brush with death at the mall.

Was it like a montage of all the scenes
in your life?

Not exactly a montage.

Cher, is it true some gang members
tried to shoot Tai in the mall?

No.

Well, that's what everyone is saying.

Whatever.

When l was 9, l fell off this jungle gym.

That G-spot
that they talk about in Cosmo...

Wait, move down for Cher.

Hi.

Tell me more.

Where was l?

You were thinking
about what was really important.

Right.

Okay, right before you die,
your mind just sort of gets very clear.

lt's a very intense spiritual feeling...

l know when l was held at gunpoint...

-Excuse me. You were saying?
-lt's spiritual.

l don't know, l can't pinpoint
the spirituality of it for you,

if you've never experienced
anything quite...

Tai, l was planning on going to Tower
and getting something for Christian.

You know, like some kind of present
or something. You want to come?

Sure. l mean, l owe him my life.

So l'll get you after school.

Yeah. You know, not today,
l'm going over to Melrose with Amber.

We're going to Melrose.

How about tomorrow?

Do you think
we could do it next Monday?

l mean my week's filling up
pretty fast here.

So when we got back from the lHOP
it was 8:00.

Oh, swoon. Here comes your boyfriend.

Hey, Tai, check it out.

-(SPlTS)
-Ew!

Could you shove down a little bit?

No.

Hello, don't the slackers
prefer that grassy knoll over there?

Tai.

-Well, so anyway...
-What?

Have you ever done it in water?

-Oh, yeah.
-Really?

Does the sponge work in water?

CHER: What was happening?

Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?

Tai being the most popular girl
in school?

It was like some sort of
alternate universe.

On top of everything else,
I was going to take the driving test.

So I had to find
my most responsible-looking ensemble.

Where's my white collarless shirt
from Fred Segal?

-Lucy, where's my shirt?
-Probably at the cleaner.

But today's the driving test.
lt's my most capable-looking outfit.

Okay, l call them.

lt's too late now.

We got another notice
from the fire department

saying we have to clear out the bush.

You said you were gonna get
José to do it.

He's your gardener,
why you don't tell him?

Lucy, you know l don't speak Mexican.

l not a Mexican!

-Great. What was that all about?
-Lucy's from El Salvador.

So?

lt's an entirely different country.

What does that matter?

You get upset if someone thinks
you live below Sunset.

Okay. So everything is all my fault.
l'm always wrong, right?

You're such a brat.

CHER: I had an overwhelming sense
of ickiness.

Even though I apologized to Lucy,
something was still plaguing me.

Like Josh thinking I was mean
was making me postal.

Move into the right lane.

CHER: Anyway, why should I care
what Josh thinks?

Why was I letting it
throw me into such turmoil?

-Watch out for the bike rider!
-Hey!

Oops, my bad.

What are you doing?
You can't take up both lanes.

Get in the right lane.

Not so close!

Should l write them a note?

Pull over up here
and turn off the engine.

Yeah, right there.

Are you gonna take me somewhere
to make left-hand turns?

We're going back to the DMV.

-lt's over?
-lt's over.

-Well, how did l do?
-How'd you do?

(CHUCKLlNG) Well, let's see, shall we?

You can't park. You can't switch lanes.

You can't make right-hand turns.
You've damaged private property

and you almost killed someone.

Offhand, l'd say you failed.

Failed?

Well, can't we just start over?

l'm kind of having a personal problem.

My mind was somewhere else.

You saw how that biker
came out of nowhere, right?

l swear l'll concentrate.

l drive really good usually.

lsn't there somebody else l can talk to?
A supervisor or something?

You can't be the absolute and final word
in drivers' licenses.

Girlie, as far as you're concerned,
l am the messiah of the DMV.

Now get out of the car.

CHER: l can't believe l failed.

I failed something
I couldn't talk my way out of?

(LAUGHlNG)

JOSH: All right. Put your legs into me.
Thank you.

Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-You're home.
-How does it feel to have a license?

l wouldn't know. l failed.

Oh. Bummer.

And, Josh, spare me your lectures

on how driving
is such a big responsibility

you can't B.S. your way through it, okay?

l didn't say anything.

l know what you're thinking.

l got to tell you something.

l'm really sorry about your test and all.

l'm so glad you're here.

There's something l got to do and
l need you here with me while l do it.

-Does this thing work?
-Yeah. Sure.

What is this stuff?

This is a bunch ofjunk
that reminded me of Elton.

But l want to burn it
because l am so over him.

-Well, what stuff?
-All right.

Do you remember
when we were at the Val party

and the clog knocked me out
and Elton got a towel of ice to cure me?

Yeah.

l didn't tell you at the time,
but l took the towel home as a souvenir.

-You're kidding.
-No.

And then, do you remember that song
that was playing when we danced?

Remember that?
You know, the Rolling with the Homies?

Anyways, l got the tape, right?
l listened to it like every single night.

Don't burn that. Okay.

Tai, l'm really happy for you

but what brought on
this surge of empowerment?

lt's like...

l met this guy
who's so totally amazing

that he makes Elton look like a loser.

That is so great.

Look, you've got to help me get Josh.

Get Josh what?

You know what l mean.

l like him.

Do you think that he likes you?

Yeah.

How do you know?

Like little things, you know?

He always... He finds some sort of way
to touch me or tickle me.

Do you remember the time at the frat
when l was totally depressed

and he asked me to dance with him
and he was really flirty?

You okay?

Yeah.

Actually, l was really bad today.

l had two mochaccinos.
l feel like ralphing.

l know exactly how that feels.

Like, the other day,
l was talking to Josh

and we were discussing the difference

between high-school girls
and college girls.

College girls wear less makeup
on their face

and that's why guys like them more.

But, Tai, do you really think
you'd be good with Josh?

l mean, he's like a school nerd.

What, am l some sort of
a mentally challenged airhead?

No, not even. l didn't say that.

What, l'm not good enough
for Josh or something?

l just don't think you'd

mesh well together.

You don't think that we mesh well?
(SCOFFS)

Why am l even listening
to you to begin with?

You're a virgin who can't drive.

That was way harsh, Tai.

All right. Look, l'm really sorry.

Let's just talk when we've mellowed,
all right? l'm Audi.

CHER: What did l do?

I've created some sort of a monster.

I could feel the chunks
start to rise up in my throat.

I had to get out.

Everything I think
and everything I do is wrong.

I was wrong about Elton,
I was wrong about Christian...

now Josh hated me.

It all boiled down
to one inevitable conclusion:

I was just totally clueless.

Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing
was wigging me more than anything.

I mean, what was my problem?
Tai is my pal.

I don't begrudge her a boyfriend.
I really...

I wonder if they have that in my size.

What does she want with Josh anyway?

He dresses funny,
he listens to complaint rock...

he's not even cute
in a conventional way.

I mean, he's just like this slug

who hangs around the house
all the time.

And he's a hideous dancer.

Couldn't take him anywhere.

Wait a second,
what am I stressing about?

This is, like, Josh.

Okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin.

But what would he want with Tai?

She couldn't make him happy.

Josh needs someone with imagination,
someone to take care of him.

Someone to laugh at his jokes,
in case he ever makes any.

Then suddenly...

Oh, my God!

l love Josh.

CHER: l am majorly, totally,
butt crazy in love with Josh!

But now I don't know
how to act around him.

Ordinarily, I'd strut around him
in my cutest little outfits

and send myself flowers and candy

but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh.

-What's with you?
-What do you mean?

You're so quiet.

Haven't made me watch
The Real World.

l care about the news.

-Since when?
-Since now.

...retaliation for recent government
successes in central Bosnia.

You look confused.

Well, l thought they declared peace
in the Middle East.

-Cher, get in here.
-What's up, Daddy?

What are you doing
dancing in front of my office?

Nothing. l just wanted to see
if you need any help with anything.

Yeah, you could help me
with something.

Come over here.

All right.

Every time that you see
a telephone conversation

that took place on September 3,
highlight it.

-Just September 3.
-Okay.

lt's fun?

Yeah.

Okay.

Daddy, did you ever have a problem
that you couldn't argue your way out of?

Tell me the problem
and we'll figure out how to argue it.

-l like this boy...
-Yes?

...and he likes someone else.

-How could that be?
-l don't know, but l feel wretched.

Obviously this boy is a complete moron.

You are the most beautiful girl
in Beverly Hills.

To tell you the truth, l'm not sure
l want you with a stupid fellow like that.

Actually he is a smart guy

and, you know,
he's one of those do-gooder types

and now l feel like all my after-school
commitments are just not good enough.

How can you say that?

Who takes care of everyone
in this household?

Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?

To tell you the truth,
l have not seen such good doing

since your mother.

-Really?
-Really.

Now get back to work.

CHER: Later, while we were learning
about the Pismo Beach disaster

I decided I needed
a complete makeover.

Except this time I'd make over my soul.

But what makes somebody
a better person?

And then I realized all my friends
were really good in different ways.

Like Christian, he always wants things
to be beautiful and interesting.

Or Dionne and Murray,

when they think no one is watching,
are so considerate of each other.

And poor Miss Geist

always trying to get us involved,
no matter how much we resist.

Oh, this is just...

That doesn't even show, every
single possession, every memory,

everything you've had your whole life,
gone in a second.

Can you imagine
what that must feel like?

-Elton?
-Can l use the pass?

Yeah.

We'll be collecting blankets,
disposable diapers,

canned goods.

Miss Geist?

-Cher?
-l want to help.

That would be wonderful.

CHER: l felt better already.

-Daddy?
-What?

You didn't like that red caviar, did you?

What's she talking about?

Cher, what are you doing?

l'm captain
of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.

l don't think they need your skis.

Daddy, some people lost
all their belongings.

Don't you think
that includes athletic equipment?

This is your influence, Josh?

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(lNDlSTlNCT)

Hey, come here, sign up.

lt's gonna be really fun.

And these beans, it's so great.

-Shall l leave the blanket here?
-No.

Could you please bring it to bedding?

-Sure.
-Yes, thank you very much.

Miss Geist, l need more boxes,
they're all filled up.

Already? Great!

l divided them into entrées
and appetizers.

Okay. l'll have them picked up.

Okay.

-Hey.
-Proper.

This is really decent of you, Travis.

Sure.

l wasn't sure about that.

l don't need it anymore, but far be it
from me to deny anyone else.

l wanted to tell you something.

-l'm sorry about your shoes.
-What shoes?

The red ones with the strappy thing.

Those are so last season.
What even made you think of them?

lt's one of my steps.
See, l joined this club

and they have all these steps.
There's like...

Twelve?

Yeah, 1 2. How'd you know?

Wild guess.

Wow, that's a good guess. Also, here.

ASL?

Amateur Skateboarding League.

This clarity thing, it's brought me to
a whole new level and my skating is...

You got to see it.
Would you come Saturday?

Sure.

Cool.

Well, l guess, kitchenware?

That's where l used to keep it.

(PUNK ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

-Hi.
-Hi.

Cher, can l talk to you a minute?

Sure.

l have been in agony the past week

and l can't even believe
that l went off the way l did.

No, l have been going down
a shame spiral.

l cannot even believe l was so
unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.

No, you are entitled to your own opinion,
all right?

l'm the tard here.

Cher, you've been nothing
but super-duper nice to me.

Not even. lf it wasn't for me

you wouldn't even have liked
that loser, Elton.

l'm so sorry, Tai.

Cher, l'm really sorry.

Oh, shit,
now l'm gonna go ahead and cry.

-Let's never fight again, okay?
-Oh, totally.

ANNOUNCER: Next up, Number 14,
Travis Birkenstock.

CHER: There he is, he waved to you.

(WHOOPlNG) All right, Travis!

l had no idea he was so motivated.

Oh, l did.

CHER: When l saw the sparks
between Tai and Travis

I knew Josh was out of the picture.

You look like Pippi Longstocking.

You look like Forrest Gump.

Who's Pippi Longstocking?

Someone Mel Gibson never played.

You're funny.

What happened to the August 28 files?

Hmm? What?

Mel wanted them tonight.
There were twice as many.

He's gonna go ballistic.
Where are they?

l think l checked them
for the September 3 conversations.

-What?
-Where'd you put them?

l divided them into two piles.

ls that wrong?

My God! l have to redo all that.
What are you, some kind of idiot?

Hey, she didn't know.

She just set us back a day.

Who cares about the September call?
Now we're screwed.

l'm sorry.

Just forget it, okay?

Just go back to the mall or something.

What's your problem, man?
She didn't mean any harm.

l'm gonna get killed,
'cause she's a moron.

She's not a moron.

lf you were paying attention,
it wouldn't have happened.

lf you hadn't been playing footsie
with the dumb kid

she wouldn't be bothering.

What the hell are you talking about?

You know exactly what l'm talking about.

This is a multi-million dollar lawsuit,
not some excuse for puppy love.

We've been working our butts off
on this case.

l'll tell you what,

you do whatever you want
with your butts. l'm calling in sick.

Did l really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?

No.

Of course not.

Did l set him back?

There's so much work to be done
and he can't afford to lose that time.

Don't worry about it. l'll take care of it.

Your father won't lose any time.

Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?

l mean, making you worry like that.

He's the one that screwed up,
and then he goes and blames us.

l mean, imagine saying we were...

you know.

That's right.
You've been very dedicated to this case.

Yeah, it was a good
learning experience, at least for me.

l want to be a lawyer.

But you, l mean,
you don't need to be doing this.

Go out and have fun. Go shopping.

You think that's all l do?
l'm just a ditz with a credit card?

No, that's not what l meant.

lt's...

(STUTTERlNG)

You're young and beautiful

and...

And?

And, well, what?

You think l'm beautiful?

You know...

You know you're gorgeous, all right?

And popular and...

But this is not why l, you know,
l come here.

This is a good learning experience
for me.

You already said that.

Mel. l want to help out Mel.

He's the only one who cares about me.

That's not true.

He's not?

No.

Are you saying you care about me?

Josh...

CHER: Well, you can guess
what happened next.

MlNlSTER: Therefore...

CHER: As if! l am only 16...

and this is California not Kentucky!

You may kiss the bride.

(lNDlSTlNCT)

l know that when l have
my own wedding,

l want this, like,
this whole entire floral motif,

like very floral garlands...

No. When l get married,
l'm gonna have a sailor dress

but it's gonna be a gown.

All my bridesmaids are gonna wear
sailor hats.

-That sounds so cool.
-With veils.

My God, they're planning
our weddings already.

Could you all stop all that
"till death do us part" mumbo-jumbo?

-l'm telling you, l'm completely bugging.
-Jeez, l'm bugging myself.

Girls, she's about to throw the bouquet.
Come on!

We got a pool going
to see whose girl gets the bouquet.

lt's up to $200.

lt's in the bag.

All right, come on, girls.

Over here!

(GlRLS CLAMORlNG)

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

l got it!

(PUNK ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)