Club Utopia (2013) - full transcript

♪ [Music]

[heavy breathing]

[moaning]

[Russian sex talk]

[climax noises]

[screaming]

♪[dramatic,
suspenseful music]

[screaming]

[louder screaming]

SALLY: Bad dream?

ALEX: Awful...



SALLY: Meat cleaver again?

Been having the same dream
for weeks...

ALEX: How do you know?

SALLY: You talk in your sleep.

♪♪

CHARLIE: What's the matter huh?

CHARLIE:
Yeah...What's the matter?

[cursing in Russian]

CHARLIE: Oh I'm sorry,
did I do that?

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

CHARLIE: (laughing)
Not bad, yourself?

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

[laughing]

ALEX: [speaking Russian]



ALEX: I can't believe
this guy man.

ugh look, Charlie,
I'm going to fucking kill him.

SALLY: Did Charlie
spray you again?

ALEX: I'll hang him.

SALLY: Ah that poor guy.

He hasn't been the same
since his wife left him.

ALEX: Yeah. Neighbour from hell
and you feel sorry for him.

ALEX: Ah, briefing.
There is, oh,

securities commission is going
to tighten regulations.

How many fucking more
regulations can we have?

We are over regulated as it is,
we can't do anything anymore.

What happened to those days
when we could just trade and...

...regulations,
I hate regulations.

SALLY: You know that
researchers claim that um

recurring dreams are indicative
of a guilty conscious...

ALEX: Excuse me honey!
Can't you see I'm busy here?

Free shipping on nearly
60,000 online items

with no minimum
purchase required.

The offer which includes
most electronics...

ALEX: [mumbling]
[loud utensil tapping]

ALEX: [mumbling]
[loud utensil tapping]

ALEX: Honey.

What's the matter with you?

SALLY: Nothing.

ALEX: [mumbling]

ALEX: [mumbling]

SALLY: Uh are we still going to
the movie and dinner tonight?

ALEX: Hmm?

SALLY: We're supposed to go
to dinner and a movie, remember?

ALEX: Hmm.

Sure, tonight why not.

ALEX: FedEx expects to move
nearly 60 million ...

packages on its busiest day.

ALEX: [mumbling]

♪ [suspenseful music]

ALEX: [mumbling]

ALEX: Morning, Carly.

CARLY: Morning, Alex.

Two messages for you,
nothing urgent.

ALEX: Thank you.

[office background noises]

BILKNER: Oh-

Alex, good morning.

ALEX: Sorry.
BILKNER: How are you?

ALEX: Very good,
thanks, good morning.

BILKNER: Always hard at work,
this guy.

GRETCHEN: He certainly is.

BILKNER: You've been with
us six months now?

What do you think of Miss
DeSatto's performance so far?

ALEX: Great. Amazing.
Very serious.

BILKNER: Good.
This guy's our top man.

You can learn a lot from him.

ALEX: Thank you Stan.
BILKNER: Oh you're welcome,
you're welcome.

By the way Miss DeSatto, um

your attire is totally
inappropriate for our office.

♪♪

DENTON (TV HOST):
[Tarzan yell]

I'm Denton Dangerous,
your rock 'n' roll
fitness instructor,

I want you to beat your chest,

to be the best that
you can possibly be.

How do you do this,
you follow my instructions.

We use dynamic tension

like the lions and the tigers
in the jungle,

because that's
exactly what you are,

you've got to be
the king of your jungle,

you have to practice everyday,

you have to train everyday.

Number two,

you have to find something
that you like to do,

so that you will in fact,
train everyday!

And number three,

if you have to train everyday,

these five things will make you
all you want to be.

You have one life to live,

so live it to yourself,
with yourself

at your maximum potential.

And remember, beat your chest

because you are the king
of your jungle!

[Tarzan yell]

ALEX: Gretch,
can I get a coffee?

GRETCHEN: Cream,

no sugar, right?

ALEX: Mm-hmm!

GRETCHEN: Sure.

♪♪

GRETCHEN: Did you know
that too much caffeine

can make a man impotent?

No?

GRETCHEN: Here you go.

ALEX: Thank you.

[exhales]

GRETCHEN: You're working late
tonight again, aren't you?

ALEX: I guess.

GRETCHEN: Good.

My place... seven.

[exhales]

[phone rings]

SALLY: Hello...

ALEX: Hello -
[mutters something in Russian]

Listen, uh I have bad news.

I have this important client
coming in and...

and uh ...

I'm sorry I know,
but ... if ...

you can cancel
the reservation and then ...

we'll go another time okay?

I'll make it up to you
I promise you.

[hangs up]

[Sighs]

[Giggles]

ALEX: My wife doesn't
let me do this to her.

GRETCHEN: Oh, she doesn't
know what she's missing.

[moans softly]

GUEST: But my husband
he doesn't seem...

I don't know if it's me
or it's him.

But...he's not in
the mood - ever.

And so I think...

HOST: Never in the mood
in what way?

GUEST: In a sexual way
and ... in an emotional way.

And the weirdest thing
he'll always watch,

is like those Discovery Channel
animal planet movies.

HOST: Mm-hmm! Oh yeah
I love watching those too,

I'm sure everybody
here does.

GUEST: Yeah - but I think
he likes it a little too much.

HOST: In what way?

GUEST: I think he's turned on
by animals.

[Door opens]

HOST: Turned on by animals?

Now is this something that
is just new, this just...

[Television off]

♪♪

[mumbling]

[moaning]

Oh Gretchen,
Oh Gretchen, Oh Gretchen,

[moaning]

oh Gretchen, oh Gretchen baby,

that's it, whoa...

[moaning]

Gretchen...

[moaning]

SALLY: How did it go last night?

ALEX: Hmm?

I scored with a client.

SALLY: And you
celebrated 'till midnight?

I'm talking to you!

ALEX: We went for a drink.

SALLY: And?

ALEX: And what?

SALLY: And what else?

ALEX: Dinner.

SALLY: Dinner, great!
While I'm here eating cold cuts.

SALLY: Who's Gretchen?

ALEX: Um, she's that girl you
met at the Christmas party.

SALLY: Oh, oh yeah,
the tall dark haired girl

with the killer body.

The one you danced with
half the night.

ALEX: What are you getting at?

SALLY: Your calling out
her name last night...

in your sleep.

ALEX: Really?

SALLY: Mmm.

ALEX: It was one
of those nightmares.

SALLY: I'm sure it was.

[loud barking]

ALEX: That freaking dog...

SALLY: Would you stop
being paranoid.

I've made a very important
decision in my life.

ALEX: That stupid dog is up
to something! I can smell it!

SALLY: I'm talking to you,
God damn it!

ALEX: All right, all right
what is your problem?

SALLY: I wanna work.

I wanna do something
with my life.

ALEX: (yelling at dog)
Ah get lost!

You know what, why don't
you go take a walk; join a gym,

I can't stand the dog, it's
shitting all over the place!

SALLY: Oh no you
just don't get it!

I want a life,
I mean I want a real life!

ALEX: What is wrong
with your life?

I don't want you out working!

I give you
everything you want!

And those stupid shows
you are watching

they're just putting those
stupid ideas in your head!

SALLY: I don't want to sit
around the house all day
and do nothing!

ALEX: I don't get it, you got
everything any woman would want.

SALLY: Do I really?

ALEX: Yes, you've just never
complained before.

SALLY: Oh I have.
You just never listen.

ALEX: You know what, I really
don't have time for this...

[dog barking]

ALEX: [screaming in Russian]

SALLY: All you care about
is making money.

Money, money, money, money,
that's all you care about!

[screaming and cursing
in Russian]

SALLY: How to make it! How to
keep it! What to do with it!

ALEX: That's enough!
SALLY: You don't care
about anything else.

SALLY: You don't give a shit
about anything except yourself!

[screaming and cursing
in Russian]

[dog yelps]

♪[dramatic,
suspenseful music]

ALEX: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, hey.

don't do anything
rash please.

ALEX: Just remember -

you have a lifestyle a lot
of women would kill for.

♪[Happy intro music]

HOST: So, do all you ladies
work at the same Club?

STRIPPER #1: [speaks in Spanish]

STRIPPER #2: Bitch sit down.

What she's trying to say
is come see us sometime.

[audience cheers]

HOST: Does your family
know what you do?

STRIPPER #3: Oh God no!

If they knew what I was doing,
they'd disown me.

STRIPPER #2: It's just a job,
who cares if they find out?

STRIPPER #4:
I told all my friends,

the girls they thought
I was a tramp,

but the guys...mmm,
they were all over me! Hey!

[audience applause]

AUDIENCE: Take it off!
Take it off! Take it off!

HOST: Ah Reverend?
Ah Reverend, Reverend!

REVEREND: Ah yes.

HOST: What do you
think of the choices

that these young ladies
have made?

REVEREND: I think
you've turned this place

into a den of inequity,

a palace of perversion...

[boos, hollering]

[laughing]

REVEREND: God made tools
for Adam and Eve.

[boos, hollering]

[applause and cheering]

(dramatic music)

SABATINI (on phone):
Yeah, yeah, alright.

I'll catch you
next week, Okay?

Yes, yes, yeah, yeah!

Jesus, yes, yes I will!

Hey!

[fan blowing]

Okay, alright, alright,
alright for Christ's sake,

I'll get you next week.

Yes I'll take care
of it next week, okay?

Bye!

Bitch!

ALEX: So you are
a private detective?

SABATINI: Yeah!

ALEX: Is this a front
or something?

What are you doing
in a dump like this?

SABATINI: I have two ex-wives
to support, alright?

Any other questions?

ALEX: Yeah, why is this fucking
fan on, it's freezing man.

SABATINI: Atmosphere!
So, what's your problem?

ALEX: I'm having an affair.

SABATINI: You call that
a problem?

ALEX: I think my wife
knows about it!

SABATINI: Oh that is a problem!

Somebody rat on you?

ALEX: Not exactly,
can you please turn this off!

SABATINI: All right - chill.

SABATINI: So what about her?
Is she...

ALEX: Having an affair?
SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: (laughs)
I don't think so,

she's been acting really,
really strange lately.

SABATINI: Well I wouldn't laugh
if I were you.

You know when
a woman's pattern changes,

it's good
to be suspicious.

Trust me.

ALEX:
Yeah I think you're right.

Why else would
she be acting this way?

SABATINI: So any idea how
she found out about your ...

you know, fooling around?

ALEX: Apparently,
I talk in my sleep.

You know I've been having this
nightmare for the past month

where I'm making love to
this most beautiful woman

which I think is my lover,
and then,

she turns into my wife.

SABATINI: What?

ALEX: When my wife realizes that
she's not the intended recipient

of my amorous advances,

she takes this meat cleaver
and than hacks me to death,

my head and there's
blood everywhere!

It's like terrible man!

SABATINI: Holy shit.

ALEX: But you know what,

I have a feeling that
she's trying to kill me.

SABATINI: It's only a dream
for Christ's sake.

I mean sometimes a guilty
conscience can play tricks.

ALEX: You know that from
experience do you?

SABATINI: All right,
what do you want me to do?

ALEX: I want you to follow her
everyday wherever she goes

and I want you to report
to me on a daily basis.

SABATINI: Okay, You're looking
for divorce ammo?

ALEX: No, no, no, no, I'm not
looking for divorce ammo,

I don't want a divorce.

It's gonna look bad,
especially at work.

Besides, you know she's
a good cook and housekeeper,

so I don't mind
keeping her at home.

SABATINI:
But you don't love her.

ALEX: No I have a new lover who
appreciates me for what I am.

SABATINI: Oh, so you've got two?

ALEX: Neighbour's wife.

I had an affair with her
and then she had

enough of me and him both

and then she took off
with that Denton,

that fitness freak
that got the show on TV?

SABATINI: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
I've seen him.

ALEX: My neighbor, soon
as he found out about it,

he went berserk,

and he's been out
to get me ever since.

SABATINI: Okay, now does
your wife know about all this?

ALEX:
Uh, I don't think so.

But her look tells me, like,
she knows more than she lets on.

And you know what, she accuses
me of being into weird things.

SABATINI: Oh yeah?
Like what kind of things?

ALEX: I don't know if
I should tell you this.

Do you people take oath
of secrecy or something?

SABATINI: I'm a professional.

What's the matter with you?

ALEX: I'm into feet.

You know she tells me that
she hates that foot thing

and that I'm sick,
that I need help,

I just can't get it up
without foot play.

Just the thought of
a beautiful woman's foot

getting squeezed
into a tight,

high heeled stiletto just
drives me fricking nuts!

SABATINI: I get the picture.
No boner without the toe rub.

Listen, have you considered
a marriage councillor?

ALEX: Do you want
my money or not?

SABATINI: Of course
I want your money,

but why don't you just divorce
her and get it over with?

It's easier that way.
ALEX: No!

I don't want to
give her half of my money!

Hard earned money man!
EMPLOYEE: Hey!

SABATINI: Take it. What?!

EMPLOYEE:
Phone call from Wilma.

Tell her I'll call back.

ALEX: Who was that?

SABATINI: Ex-wife number two.

See what I mean, give her half,
get on with your life!

ALEX: I didn't come here
for a fucking lecture!

Listen I have best of all worlds
and I want to keep it that way.

I want you to follow her
and see what she's up to.

Because I'm afraid that
she's going to poison me

or you know hack me to death
or even worse.

SABATINI: All right.

I'll take it on, but this one
sounds really, really messy.

So I think uh...five grand
ought to clean it up?

ALEX: Five grand?
SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: Really?

SABATINI: All right, all right,
let's make it four.

Two now and two when we wrap,
how's that sound?

SABATINI: That's Sabatini.

ALEX: Sabatini? Okay.
SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: Okay, here you go.

Mr. Sabatini, there's
my phone number there.

SABATINI: What the hell is this?

ALEX: Five hundred
bucks deposit.

I'll give you the rest
when I'm satisfied.

SABATINI: I got rent to pay!

ALEX: Oh tough.

SABATINI: All right,
all right, all right,

we got a deal, what the hell.

ALEX: Make sure you call me.
SABATINI: Yeah, yeah.

ALEX: Everyday.

SABATINI: Oh,
just one other thing.

Let me see your wallet.

ALEX: What for?

SABATINI: I.D.,
let me see your wallet.

ALEX: Hey, wait, wait, wait,
what are you doing man?

SABATINI: Gas money.

ALEX: Make sure you call.

SABATINI: Ciao, Ciao.

Have a nice day! Asshole.

WOMAN: Hey.

SALLY:
Hi, can I see the manager?

WOMAN: Oh, Lulu's in
the back but she's busy.

I'm Wanda,
can I sell you something?

SALLY: Uh...

WOMAN: Shy are we?

You wanna surprise your hubby
with something nice?

You wanna try something on?

SALLY: No, no not really...

WOMAN: Here, live a little!
Check these out!

SALLY: No, no, no not really.

He's not into that.

WOMAN #2: No? What's he into?

SALLY: Feet?

WOMAN #2: Ah foot fetish.

No problem.
Lots of guys are into that.

WOMAN: Here, check these
out...get him HOT!

SALLY: My God,
how do you walk in these?

WOMAN: With this.

SALLY: You know what, it's just
um, this isn't going to work.

We're actually, we're not really
getting along these days. So...

WOMAN #2: If your old man
can't get it up for you...

you're going to have to take a
look at yourself in the mirror.

Look how you're dressed.

SALLY: Ah...Well, it's not
that simple. Um.

Actually I just came here
to apply for the sales job.

WOMAN #2: Uh huh honey.
I don't think so.

You have to dress up here
all the time.

You have to be an exhibitionist,
at least a little bit.

SALLY: You're right.

WOMAN: Sure you don't
wanna buy these?

SALLY: No, no thanks again.
Thank you.

[Camera clicking]

♪♪

SALLY: Um, is there
a manager here?

BOUNCER: See the bartender
right over there.

SALLY: Yeah...Thank you.

BOUNCER: No problem.

BOUNCER #2: You wanna
be a cute one.

SALLY: Thank you.

BARTENDER: Hi there,
can I help you?

SALLY: Hi, I'm here for the job?

BARTENDER: Okay, well,
you have to talk to Sisco.

Let me just get you a form
so you can fill it out.

SALLY: Thank you.

BARTENDER: Here's the form.

SALLY: Thank you.

SALLY: Oh, short form,
name and number.

BARTENDER: Easy.
SALLY: Yeah, it's easy.

D.J.: Good afternoon
Ladies and Gentlemen.

Welcome to Club Utopia,

where pleasure is our business!

For this afternoon's pleasure,

first lady is our vivacious,
lovely Coreen!

COREEN: That's me.

[clapping]

♪[GIRL ROCK MUSIC]

SALLY: (gasp)
This is a strip club.

BARTENDER:
Okay, I'll be right back.

BARTENDER: He'll be right out.

SISCO: You!

Take off that fucking hat!

Follow me.

BOUNCER: Hey.
SABATINI: Hey.

BOUNCER #2: What's up dude?
SABATINI: Yo man.

♪[GIRL ROCK MUSIC]

SISCO: Turn around.

Well, you're not the usual type.

Take off those glasses.

Hmm, some men may like you.

SALLY: Thank you, uh Mister...

Sisco - just Sisco,
sit down.

SALLY: That is the shortest
application I've ever seen.

SISCO: Well you have
a problem with that?

SALLY: Oh no, no,
I just thought it was funny.

I've never seen it that small.

SISCO: Funny huh?

Well let me tell you
the rules of my club.

Number one, you don't touch the
customers, they don't touch you.

Number two, you don't touch
yourself, not down there!

That is strictly forbidden.

Okay?
SALLY: I would never...

SISCO: Number three...

DANCER: Sisco,
I need next week off.

SISCO: Can't you see I'm busy?
Wait your turn...

DANCER: Well fuck you!
I need next week off or I quit!

SISCO: Fuck you, fuck me,
wait...just wait your turn.

You're not here to pick up men,
you are here to entertain.

DANCER: All right fine.
I'll pack up all my g-strings

and I'll go home!

SALLY: Do you need
to talk to her?

SISCO: You just shut up...
SALLY: Sure.

SISCO: Oh, if you are late,
I fine you.

Now I run
a clean operation here.

No, no fooling around.
Is okay, you understand that?

SALLY: Yeah...I think so...

SISCO: Okay good.

DANCER: Good!
Are you finished now?

SISCO: Yes I'm finished,
and so are you! You're fired!

Fuck off, get the hell
out of here.
DANCER: You prick! Fuck you!

SISCO: Fuck you! Get out!

SISCO: Now uh,
you have experience, yes?

SALLY: Not really, no I don't.
I didn't...nope.

SISCO: Uh, you'll learn quickly.

I'll start you on the day shift.

Twenty dollars a dance
plus tips alright?

SALLY: Twenty a dance?

SISCO: Yeah and you have
something to wear?

SALLY: No, you mean
like a uniform?

SISCO: A uniform.
(laughs)

SALLY: Well I thought that
you guys provided them.

So I didn't, I didn't
bring anything.

SISCO: Oh well...

[knock on door]

FELICIA: Hey...

SISCO: Oh, oh, oh,
uh, uh, um...

FELICIA: Felicia?

SISCO: Yeah, uh Felicia,
I want you to meet, uh,

SALLY: Sally...

SISCO: Sally, I'm sorry Sally,

I'm terrible with names...
you know.

Here the girls come, girls go,
they're coming and then they go.

Well um...show her around
and good luck.

FELICIA: Okay.

SALLY: Okay thanks.

SISCO: Yeah, go, go, go, go.

SALLY: Okay thanks, bye bye.

SISCO: Yeah, yeah,
send over another batch.

REBECCA: Hey how did it go
with that guy last night?

TAMARA: Fuck you,
none of your business.

Actually, if you must know,
it was pretty good...

JEZEBELA: Same guy?

TAMARA: Yes it was the same guy.
[making kissing noises]

FELICIA: Hey guys, Jezebela,
Tamara, Rebecca, this is Sally.

TAMARA: Ah newbie!
Sally? That name sucks.

We'll call you, yeah Selena!

That's a great name
for you...Selena.

SALLY: What's, what's wrong
with Sally?

JEZEBELA: Honey, you never
use your real name

in a place like this.

SALLY: Oh you don't?

JEZEBELA: Nope.

TAMARA: So where's your gear?

SALLY: I don't have any.

TAMARA: You got nothing to wear?

SALLY: No.

TAMARA: Here.

Try this on, never been worn.

You can pay me later.

SALLY: Isn't this
a little revealing?

(laughing)

SALLY: This is crazy.

I applied for the waitress
position, not the stripper.

JEZEBELA: You're joking...right?

SALLY: No I'm not. I just
want to get out of the house.

REBECCA: Easy misunderstanding.

Yeah.

FELICIA: Happens all the time.

TAMARA: Come ere you.

So uh, Sisco never asked you

what you were
applying for right?

The waitress position
was filled yesterday,

but if you want to
make a lot of money,

you're in the right place.

SALLY: It's not money I'm after.

TAMARA: Does your husband
know you're here?

You know what I find
interesting about you Sally?

Knowing what you know now,

you haven't made
any effort to leave.

You'd really like to try this.

That's what I think.

What would your husband do
if you worked here as a dancer?

SALLY: He'd kill me.

TAMARA: They all say that.

My Ex started calling me a slut
when I started dancing.

He was fucking
my best friend at the time.

Anyways, whatever.
Let's get you looking good.

[Loud club music]

CINDY: Yeah sure,
I've seen her.

Got the same picture
in a frame I bought last week.

SABATINI:
She's gotta be here somewhere.

CINDY:
Can I get you anything?

SABATINI: No thanks I'm fine.

[Loud club music]

SISCO: Excuse me sir.

That's the ladies dressing room.
You can't go in there.

SABATINI: Oh sorry I was
looking for this woman.

I saw her come in here.

SISCO: You saw her come in?

I'm seeing you go out.

Steve, show this gentleman
the way out.

STEVE: And stay out man!

SABATINI: Assholes!

TAMARA: You look hot!
SALLY: Whoo! Whoo!

SISCO: You!
SALLY: Yeah, uh Sally.

SISCO: Yeah Sally, you forgot
to show me your license.

SALLY: Oh I'm sorry, yeah sure.

SISCO: You can't dance
with a driver's license!

You need a stripper's license!

TAMARA: Aww Sisco...
she doesn't have one.

SISCO: Nobody dances
without a stripper's license,

they'll fine me,

they'll take away my
liquor license,

they'll take away my club!
TAMARA:
How was she supposed to know?

SISCO: Will you shut up!

Get a license or get lost!

TAMARA: Hey don't worry
about him, he's a jerk.

He has rules to follow.

SALLY: Oh that's okay,
I'm not cut out for this line of

work anyway.

Here's your panty set,
and uh...

TAMARA:
If you change your mind...

SALLY: You have a great day.

Bye.

TAMARA: Bye.

GRETCHEN: Where were you
last night, I missed you.

ALEX: Home with my wife.

GRETCHEN: That's too bad.

ALEX: She's knows about
the two of us.

GRETCHEN: So what's she going
to do, divorce you?

Come on, loosen up a little bit.
Been so tense lately.

[door bell rings]

[background music]

SALLY: Hi!

WOMAN: You again!

SALLY: Yeah I changed my mind.
WOMAN: Great.

Let me see those shoes.
WOMAN: Yeah!

SALLY: Oh great,
what else do you have?

REPORTER: It is believed
that most of the weapons

are being smuggled
in from Pakistan.

Where there is continued
support for the insurgency

against US lead forces.

In Iraq, a massive explosion
in downtown Baghdad

killed 27
and injured dozens more.

This the third deadliest
attack this week.

Bringing the death toll
close to one hundred.

♪[heavy bass music]

ALEX: What are you doing?

Go get me some hot chocolate!

SALLY: Hi honey...
here's your hot chocolate.

[screams]

SALLY: Guess I'll be sleeping
on the couch tonight, huh.

ALEX: Psycho!

[mumbling]

[Birds chirping, nature sounds]

[laughing]

[slurping]

[reading aloud]

SALLY: Oh my God,
you gotta hear this,

the Chinese wang?

was 6.6388 Wednesday,
but here's this,

Thursday it was 6.6472

and not much has
changed in a year.

so that sucks...
or maybe that's good...

SALLY: Oh here we go,
the Israeli shekel,

did you know they have
shekels in Israel?

Well let me tell you
what the currency is,

cause I know
you're interested.

Ah 3.36...Wednesday,
and then...

[crackling heat]

...Wow.
Can you believe that?

SALLY: Honey?

Would you like a sandwich
before you go?

[cursing in Russian]

Oh honey! Oh my God,

you know that thousand shares
you bought at ten cents each?

They're now fifty bucks a share!

We're rich! Oh my God!

It's fantastic,
I can't believe it!

[laughing]

SALLY: Wait wait,
you can't go yet,

I gotta to tell you
more stocks. Wait!

[laughing]

ALEX: What the hell's so funny?

SALLY: Nothing.
[laughs]

SALLY: Bye.

SABATINI: Hey good morning!

ALEX: You're freaking me out.
What are you doing here?

SABATINI: Surveillance, that's
what you're paying me for.

What's the matter with you?

What'd you do, pee your pants?

ALEX: Hey cut the crap!
What do you want?

SABATINI: I don't know,
give me some money.

I need money.
ALEX: I already did.

Yeah, that cheque you gave me
hardly even covered my rent

so give me some money.

ALEX: You know I have
my own problems!

SABATINI: Like what?

ALEX: Yesterday, my wife
was doing this crazy,
ritualistic dance,

she freaked me out.

So later she poured a
hot chocolate all over me,

so you'd better find out what's
going on and fast, alright?

SABATINI: Yeah, got it, yeah.
ALEX: Fast!

SABATINI: Yeah, Okay.

ALEX: Shit!

[laughing]

[cursing in Russian]

Hey, nice trip.

(laughing mockingly)

[cursing in Russian]

DENTON: I'm Denton Davis,
be right back,

you keep on moving
and so will I.

This is called
the stabbing motion,

stabbing motion,
stabbing motion.

[door bell rings]
[screams]

COLOGNE: Hi there,
how are you today?
SALLY: Hi. Good how are you?

COLOGNE: Excellent,
thanks for asking.

Do you have a few moments,
I'm just doing a market survey.

SALLY: Um, you know,
actually I'm sort of busy,

I have a, I'm exercising.

COLOGNE: How cool is that?
Mr. Cologne.

SALLY: That's funny,
that's cute.

COLOGNE: Thank you very much,

would you like to
try a sample today?

My free gift to you.

SALLY: Um you know what
I'm actually just about
to exercise so I don't think...

COLOGNE: Well worth your while,
I know you'll love it.

SALLY: La Petit Mort.

COLOGNE: I have to talk
to marketing about that,

SALLY: Yeah, yeah.
COLOGNE: It's a terrible name.

SALLY: Yeah, the little death.

COLOGNE: Death never smelt
better, trust me.

SALLY: You're funny.
Yeah it smells good actually.
COLOGNE: You like that?

SALLY: Yeah it's actually nice.
COLOGNE: Would you like to try
another sample?

SALLY: Oh I don't know...
COLOGNE: There actually
yours to keep.

SALLY: Oh really?
Thank you, that's really sweet.
COLOGNE: Absolutely.

SALLY: Alright I'll give you
a second.
COLOGNE: Thank you very much.

COLOGNE: Wow, nice place
you got here.

SALLY: Thank you,
it's right back here.

[comedic musical beats]

EMPLOYEE: Hey,

smells like a sewer in here.

COLOGNE:
Every woman's dream,

a box full of perfume
and jewellery.

SALLY: Wow...

COLOGNE: All I ask - is that
you just simply rate them

on a scale of one
to ten on this chart.

SALLY: Okay...
COLOGNE: Simple enough?

SALLY: I think so.
COLOGNE: Great -
let's check it out.

SALLY: Okay okay great!

SALLY: Pearls, pretty!

COLOGNE: You saw those
didn't you?

I think they look great
on you...Absolutely.
SALLY: Yeah.

SALLY: Oh and there's
another one, sorry about that.

Is this a flask?
COLOGNE: Oh that's mine.

SALLY: Oh sorry.

[laughs]

SABATINI (RADIO):
Right, now case the joint.

Check out the bathroom.

COLOGNE: You got a
bathroom around here?

SALLY: Yes it's the second door
on the right up stairs.

COLOGNE: Great I'll be back.
SALLY: Okay - sorry.

SABATINI (RADIO):
Check in the bathroom.

SABATINI: The medicine cabinet,
check out the medicine cabinet.

SABATINI (RADIO):
Aim your camera, idiot!

COLOGNE: I'm aimin',
I'm aimin'.

SABATINI: What's in there?

COLOGNE: I don't know,
toilet paper and stuff.

SALLY: Oh this is really nice,
icy water?

SABATINI (RADIO): Open
the drawer, open that drawer.

SABATINI: Yep, what's in there?

COLOGNE: Holy shit
look at all the perfume here,

why is she buying
perfume from me?

Nothing here man.

SABATINI (RADIO):
What's that, what's that?

On the right,
yes on the right, what is that?

COLOGNE: This thing?

[exhales]

SABATINI: Hold it up...
Insulin.

SABATINI: We're wasting
our time here.

She's clean.
It's her husband who's nuts.

COLOGNE: This is nice.

SABATINI: Put that back,

what the hell's
the matter with you.

Alright let's pack it in,
I've seen enough.

COLOGNE: So how we making out?

SALLY: Good, I'm almost
finished with the last one.

[bottles fall on table]

SALLY: That's okay.

COLOGNE: So you wanna
buy anything?

SALLY: Yes!

COLOGNE: Great...
So you married?

♪[Comedic music]

[Door opens and slams shut]

COLOGNE: Okay let's go.

Gotta be at the pool hall
in half an hour.

SABATINI: I gotta stick around
in case her husband shows up.

COLOGNE: Fuck him!
I gotta win me some money,

you never pay me.

SABATINI: You know what
I don't get?

COLOGNE: What?

SABATINI:
We didn't find anything.

She doesn't have a gun,
she doesn't have any poison,

nobody calls her,
she doesn't call anybody.

You know I kinda
feel sorry for her,

I know it sounds weird but...

COLOGNE:
Don't get suckered in man!

She could be like one
of those Martian fly traps.

SABATINI: Venetian.

COLOGNE: What?
SABATINI: Venetian fly trap.

COLOGNE: You into astrology
all of a sudden?

♪[Happy dance music]

TRUCKER: Hey!
What're you here for?

SALLY: Hmm?

TRUCKER: Well I mean
what licence are you getting?

Mine's truckin'.

OTHER TRUCKER: Hey me too.

SALLY: Hey me too! Hey, Hey!

Yeah...alright!

CLERK: Mrs. Enitlov! Your
stripper's licence is ready!

(truckers laughing)

♪[Dance music]

FELICIA: Oh hey!

What happened to you
the other day?

SALLY: I didn't have a licence,
but I got one now.

FELICIA: Cool!

SALLY: Is Tamara here?

DANCER: Uh, I'll get her
for you. Its' Sally, right ?

SALLY: No. It's "Sellina".

DANCER: Okay, Sellina.

♪[dance music]

FELICIA: Hey girl, you're up.

JEZEBELA: Yeah I know, thanks.

How do I look?

TAMARA: You sure
you wanna do this?

It gets pretty crazy in here.

SALLY: Oh it can't be any
crazier than it is at home.

I'm doing it!

D.J.: You know what they say,
anytime you go Biblical

there's gonna be an atrocity!
Here is Jezebella!

C'mon! Put your hands
together fellas!

FELICIA: Hey Danny!

D.J.: Hey what's up?

FELICIA: This is
the new girl Sellina.

D.J.: Hey Sellina, just call me
D.J. Got your music?

FELICIA: She actually won't be
dancing for a couple of days.

D.J.: Well...if you need a
slammin' CD baby,

just let me know,
alright, I'm your man.
SALLY: Okay.

Alright.
D.J.: I gotta go.

SALLY: Okay, He's a nice guy...

FELICIA: Married men are
the worst. Oh, gotta go.

SALLY: Oh.
FELICIA: Good luck.

SALLY: Okay.

♪(slow music playing)

HAROLD: Hey!

HAROLD: You're new around
here aren't you?

I'm Harold,
how about a dance?

SALLY: No thanks,
I'm not a very good dancer.

HAROLD:
I'll be the judge of that.

SALLY:
No really, I can't dance.

HAROLD: You're playing
hard to get.

Okay, I'll make it
thirty bucks a dance.

SALLY: Are you joking?

HAROLD: Okay forty,
final offer...

♪(slow music playing)

SALLY: Would you like
another dance?

HAROLD: That was great.

But you didn't take
your clothes off!

SISCO: Hey didn't I fire you?

DANCER: You fire me everyday.

SISCO: Come here.

You didn't take
your clothes off.

I saw he liked you,
but you kept your clothes on.

You know, you're here
to take your clothes off.

You know, this is a strip club.

You strip, they pay you.

You don't strip,
they don't pay you.

HAROLD: Give me some more.

♪(hard rock music)

[cell phone rings]

ALEX: What?

SABATINI: I hope
you're sitting down.

ALEX: Yes I'm sitting down,
go ahead!

SABATINI: I followed her to this
strip club in the east end...

ALEX: What the hell was
she doing in a strip joint?

SABATINI: Ya beats me,
but I go inside ask around

and can't see her
I don't know where

I don't know where the hell
she disappeared to.

ALEX: What am I paying you for?

Go ahead and find out.

SABATINI: This doesn't
make any sense!

Do you think she's got this
thing for naked women
or something?

Maybe she's turned
into a lesbo?

ALEX: Asshole.

CARLY: Well hi there
can I help you?

SABATINI: I'm here to see Alex.

CARLY: Oh let me
call him for you.

SABATINI: No, no, it's okay,
its a surprise.

CARLY: Excuse me.
SABATINI: Hey honey.

CARLY: Sir excuse me.

SABATINI: Hello there.

CARLY: Excuse me, excuse me,
you can't just come in here.

ALEX: Oh, Carly okay, wow
I can't believe it. Okay thanks.

Wow - what are you doing,
look...

What the Fuck!

SABATINI: Hey you gotta learn
to be nice to me, okay?

Alright? Yes, or else...

ALEX: Or else what?

ALEX: What's that?

SABATINI: Hmm...
What do you think of this?

(laughing)

That's cute,
that was a cute one.

ALEX: You know what?
You're fired!

SABATINI: Oh really?
You can't fire me,

no no, I got this.
You can't fire me.

Give me the rest of
my money, okay,

the rest of my deposit,
I'm not going anywhere.

ALEX: With pleasure, I want
nothing to do with you again.

SABATINI:
Cash, no cheques, alright?

SABATINI: How much you got?

ALEX: Here, where's the film?
Gimme the film.

SABATINI: Give me the money.

ALEX: Give me the film!
SABATINI: Give me the money!
Give me the money!

ALEX: Give, give me the film.
SABATINI: Alright give him
the film!

ALEX: Okay.
[Sabatini laughs]

ALEX: Okay.

SABATINI: Alright Dude,
I'm on my way,

I'm going to Club Utopia,
have me a couple of drinks,

check out some Chickita's,
look at titties...

ALEX: Go ahead, good luck
thank you very much.

SABATINI: Thanks Dude.
ALEX: Thank you.

[door slams]

♪[Loud dance music]

D.J.: Everybody
welcome to Club Utopia

where pleasure is our business.

♪[Loud dance music]

SABATINI:
Shot of whiskey please.

Thanks,
run me a tab alright?

SALLY: Hey honey.
You want a dance?

SABATINI: Hello...
SALLY: Hello.

SABATINI: Ya sure...
you're cute.

SALLY: Thanks.
Are you on a Safari?

SABATINI: Ya. Good,
you're hot babe. Salut!

SALLY: Salut!

SABATINI: You're a real pro
you know that? You're good.

SALLY: Oh yeah? Thanks,

it's actually
my second day on the job.

SABATINI: No kidding.
Wow I'm very impressed.

♪[Loud dance music]

D.J.: Comin' to the stage is
a girl that can make you rock,

here is Cherry!

C'mon fellas.

[Audience cheers]

SALLY: Is that your wife?

SABATINI: You're kidding right?
SALLY: No!

Would I marry that?

Ah, what a nerd.

You gotta see her husband,
real asshole okay.
SALLY: Oh really.

Yeah, those two belong together.

[gasp]

[coughs uncontrollably]

SABATINI: Gimme my picture back,
c'mon, c'mon honey.

SALLY: I'm sorry, sorry.

SABATINI: I know it had
that affect on me too.

Those two deserve each other.
SALLY: Really?

SABATINI: I'll drink to that.

SALLY: Wish I had a drink
right now.

SABATINI: Give me another one.
SALLY: Yeah.

♪(slow music)

SABATINI: You know what?

Feel like I've been here
for hours, what do I owe you?

SALLY: Uh...Three fifty.
It's cool.

SABATINI: Three fifty?

SALLY: Yeah, you know what,
make it three hundred

if you tell me why you
have the picture.

SABATINI: Why?

SALLY: Just curious.

SABATINI: Just curious?
Nope, confidential.

I don't know
how much money I got here,

I don't know,
here you count it,

I don't give a shit,

just take the
whole god damn thing.
SALLY: That's cool.

Thanks.
SABATINI: Yeah.

♪(slow music)

SABATINI: Hey, get in.

SALLY: You're smarter
than you look.

SABATINI: Get in.

SALLY: I don't go
anywhere with strangers.

SABATINI: Honey, you danced
naked for me for three hours...

I'm no stranger. Get in!

SALLY: My husband
put you up to this?

SABATINI: Whatever, get in.

[car door shuts]

SABATINI: Come in.

So can I get you a drink?

SALLY: No thanks.

SABATINI: Don't worry,
I'm harmless.

SALLY: So, what do you
want from me?

SABATINI: Uh, I just want
to talk that's all.

SALLY: You're working
for my husband.

Why should I talk to you?

SABATINI: Well, because I know
a lot more about him than
you do, that's why.

SALLY: Like what?

SABATINI: He thinks
you're out to kill him.

SALLY: What? We've had a couple
of fights, but that's it.

SABATINI: Do you have any
idea what he's worth?

Stocks, bonds,
real estate, savings...

SALLY: I really don't care.

SABATINI: I wrote it down,

nine point seven two
million dollars, how's that?

SALLY: What?!

SABATINI: You heard me.

SALLY: Why should I believe you?

SABATINI: Honey, believe
whatever you want okay.

But your husband's crazy!

I've had to deal with
control freaks like him before.

SALLY: Okay, so why do
you want to help me?

What's in it for you?

SABATINI: I don't know...
not much...I guess.

SALLY: This is a set up
isn't it?

You got a hidden camera around
here, is that the deal?

SABATINI: Nothing but T.V.'s,
don't worry about it.

Alright, this is no setup.

You know what
I can't figure out?

What are you doing
with a jerk like him?

SALLY: Hey! Watch it!

He might be a jerk but
he's still my husband.

SABATINI: Alright,
just trying to help.

SALLY: So, um,

what are you going to tell him?

SABATINI: Oh don't you worry,

your secret's safe with me.

I'm just gonna, um,

get paid, get off the case fast.

Listen, here's my card.

SALLY: Thanks.

SABATINI: If you need any help,
you call me, alright?

SALLY: Well, I guess
I'd better get back to the club.

SABATINI: Yeah, wanna ride?

SALLY: Um, no thanks,
I'll just take a cab.

Thanks.

♪(dance music)

SALLY: Hi.
COLOGNE: Hi.

COP #1: You sure that's him?

COP #2: Yeah that's him.

He's got a record
longer than my dick.

COP #1: That short eh?

COP #2: Asshole.

No arrests. Just tail him
for a few days.

COUNCILLOR #1: If the mayor
could see us now!

COUNCILLOR #2: You know,
councilmen we have to remember

that we're here to
defend their moral...

COUNCILLOR #3: You know
what councilman, just try

and keep your tongue
in your mouth okay?

COLOGNE: Holy shit, look at you.

SALLY: Say, aren't you the um,
perfume guy?

COLOGNE: Mr. Cologne,
absolutely,

perfumes, watches,
what's your pleasure?

Have a seat,
have a drink with me.

SALLY: You don't remember me,
do you?

COLOGNE: Uh, no, a body like
that I wouldn't forget.

Absolutely,
have a, have a seat.

SALLY: Sure, yeah.

COLOGNE: Got some world class
goods here, you interested?

SALLY: Nah. I'm good.
COLOGNE: You sure?

No, no? Let's see what
you got, you gonna dance for me?

SALLY: Oh, uh, okay.

COLOGNE: Come on, quick one.

COLOGNE: Very nice.

(laughing)

HOST: I am worthy.
I am a good person.

I have something to offer.

I have something
to give to this world.

I am beautiful,
I'm intelligent, I am educated.

And I'm going to
go out there by God -

and I'm not going to let
a man tell me what to do.

[audience cheers and applause]
You need to take the reins
in your own hands...

You need to take control...

SALLY: What are you doing?

ALEX: My friend saw you
walking into a strip club.

SALLY: What are you,
what are you talking about?

ALEX: Is that true?

SALLY: Yeah it's true, I got
a job doing books for the owner.

ALEX: Why do you need a job for?

Haven't we been through this
a million times?

SALLY: Because I want to work,
is that okay?

Do you have
a problem with that?

ALEX: Out of all the work you
pick up a job in a strip joint!

SALLY: I don't have
a problem with it.

ALEX: Oh I know you don't!

What about if people find out?

My reputation
is on the line here.

SALLY: Of course,
I'm so sorry, forgive me.

How irresponsible of me.

ALEX: It's these stupid
talk shows you watch.

They're putting all that
garbage into your head.

SALLY: Give me a break!

ALEX: You know what, we would
never have any problems

if only you would try to
please me once in a while!

SALLY: What did you just say?

I can't believe
what I just heard...

You have been banging
your office bimbo

for the last six months;

you haven't even looked at me
and you talk about your needs?!

ALEX: Oh, I'm not
banging anybody!

SALLY: Oh my God, you're making
it worse by lying about it!

You know what?
That's it, I want a divorce!

There's nothing left
of our marriage anyway.

ALEX: I don't want
to talk about it!

♪[strange music playing]

[whipping noise]

GRETCHEN: You've been a bad boy.

Oh you sick thing.

You like that?

[choking sounds]

[screams]

[gunshots]

ALEX: You're fucking blind
as a bat!

[loud screams]

[bazooka fires]

[massive explosion]

[laughing]

SALLY (VOICEMAIL): Hello,
this is the Enitlov residence.

We're sorry there's
no one in at the moment,

but if you leave
your name and number...

[slams phone]

[dialing phone]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

VOICE-MACHINE: Sabatini here,
leave a message after the tone.

I swear I'll get back to you
cause I need the money.

(voice machine beeping)

ALEX: Listen asshole!
You were supposed to call me

an hour ago...

SABATINI: Oh shit,

I'm here, I'm here,
I'm here, I'm here...

ALEX: My wife claims she's doing
the books for this strip joint,

and then she wants a divorce?
What the hell is going on here?

SABATINI: Strip club, books?

ALEX: How come you
didn't tell me that?

SABATINI: Oh shit...
I guess it slipped my mind.

ALEX: That makes me laugh!

She's doing books
for a strip joint,

she can't even balance her own
books, she's always in debt.

Something stinks here Sabatini,
you know what?

We're going to pay her
a surprise visit.

Meet me there in half and hour
and make sure you're not late.

SABATINI: Oh shit!

[clock alarm]

SABATINI: Shut up!

Shut up you piece of shit!

BOUNCER: How's it going sir?

ALEX: Who's in charge here?

BARTENDER: Sisco. Why?

ALEX: Just get him out here.

BARTENDER: Boss,
you better get out here.

SISCO: What's the problem?

ALEX: Who the hell are you?

SISCO: I own this place.

ALEX: I don't give a shit!

SISCO: I don't like
your attitude!

ALEX: I'm here looking
for my wife.

SISCO: You're looking
for your wife here?

ALEX: Yes, Sally your
book-keeper, is that true?

SISCO: Why don't you
go fuck yourself.

D.J.: Let's have a big hand
for Ramona, c'mon!

(applause)

♪[Dance music]

TAMARA: Hi.

ALEX: Hi.

Tamara.

Alex.

TAMARA: Would you
like some company?

ALEX: Sure.

TAMARA: Do you like my shoes?

ALEX: Mm-hmm!

TAMARA: I see
that you're married.

ALEX: Separated, sort of.

TAMARA: She couldn't
satisfy you?

ALEX: She doesn't like
what I like.

TAMARA: Oh, and tell me,
what do you like?

D.J.: C'mon fellas,
put your hands together.

Let's have a big hand
for the lady that's up her.
TAMARA: I see we have
something in common.

D.J.: C'mon! Give it up!

Tamara, you're up next baby.

TAMARA: Uh, um, I have
to go, uh I'm on next,

I have to get ready.

Can I give you my number?

ALEX: Sure.

TAMARA: Call me.

ALEX: I will.

ALEX: Cognac please.

ALEX: Thank you.

D.J.: Hey, Sellina, what's up?

SALLY: There's a guy out there
and I don't want him
to see me here.

D.J.: Do you want me to get
the two Steve's to take
care of that?

SALLY: No, no,
it's okay, I just,

I'll just stay
here for a while.

SABATINI: Alex is out there,
did he see you?

SALLY: Not my face.

SABATINI: He came here
to check out your story.

SALLY: I know, listen
I'm going to go get dressed

and go to Sisco's office,
let him see me in there,

and then get rid of him because
I have to be on stage soon.

SABATINI: Right!

♪[Dance music]

SABATINI: Hey!

ALEX: Oh there you are.

COLOGNE: Yo! Hey Cuz!

SABATINI: Ah Shit!

ALEX: Who's that?

SABATINI: My cousin Eddie,
he's a pain in the ass.

ALEX: Your cousin?

COLOGNE: Where's my money?

SABATINI:
See that guy over there?

He owes me money, alright,
when he pays me,

I'm gonna pay you,
now bugger off, take a hike.

SALLY: So, do you have
any family?

SISCO: No...I'm here
to escape my family.

My wife is crazy, all she
wants to do is make babies.

I'm too old to make babies.

SALLY: Oh you're not too old.

No you're young,
unless you want that,

if that's something that
you want, that's totally,

you know, it's up to you.

SISCO: It's money I want
to make, money, not babies.

SALLY: Speaking of money,

what do you think of
the Securities commission

tightening regulations.

SISCO: What are you doing here,
why aren't you working?

SABATINI: Alex, we gotta
get out of here, okay?

Alex! If Sally comes in
and sees you with this dancer

she's going to freak out.

ALEX: She's not here.
Nobody's even heard of her.

SABATINI: Who were
you talking to?

ALEX: The freak - Sisco.

SABATINI: Oh Sisco, well he
happens to be the owner, idiot,

okay, he's not going to give
out any personal information.

Okay, let's get out of here.

ALEX: Sabatini,
as a private dick, you suck.

She's not here, so relax.

SABATINI: That's enough,
c'mon honey you're finished.

C'mon pay the lady.

ALEX: I'm busy. Can't you see!
Get lost!

SABATINI: Pay the lady!

[angrily exhales]

SABATINI: Here honey, keep
the change! Sorry! Love you!

SABATINI: Listen I want out.
I'll make you a deal alright?

If I can prove to you that Sally
is actually working here,

Give me two grand
and I'm finished.

We're even. Fair enough?

ALEX: All right you prove it!

SABATINI: All right,
let's do it.

ALEX: But this better not be
some kind of trick.

SABATINI: No tricks, let's go.

SISCO: Two days
you've been sick?

Well, how come when I called
yesterday you weren't home?

Oh, oh, you were out?

Oh, well how can you be
sick and go out?

SISCO: It sounds like you're
over regulated sweetie.

YOU'RE FIRED!

SABATINI: What do you think now?

ALEX: I still can't believe it!

SABATINI: Ha! Well pay up,
let's go!

ALEX: Pay for what? I could have
found it out myself anyways!

SABATINI: You know,
there's two things,

one you're a paranoid whack job
and two, I don't like you.

So just pay me
and I'll get out of your hair.

ALEX: Well you leave now,
you'll get nothing from me.

SABATINI: Oh you think so?
ALEX: Yes!

SABATINI: Well let me
show you something.

Look what I got!
Ah I got more, aha!

STEVE: Okay guys,
break it up, break it up.

SABATINI: Oh look at this,
dude look at this.

Woo hot, hee hee!

SABATINI: You got good taste
Alex. Nice ass, nice ass.

Oh good, I wanna show you
some, he's doing the nasty,

Alex is doing the nasty.

STEVE: Okay, move along.
SABATINI: You're such a bad boy.

STEVE: Move along,
move it along.

SABATINI: Yeah baby!

♪[Dance music]

SABATINI: Just pay up
and I'll get out of your hair.

Let's go.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

COP #1: What's going on
over there?

D.J.: Up next is uh, Sellina.

SABATINI: Now we're
talking buddy.

D.J.: Sellina baby,
we're waiting for you.

SALLY: Okay I'm here,
I'm here, I'm ready.

D.J.: You're cuttin' it
kinda close aren't you?

Where the hell were you?

SALLY: Just go, go,
go, go, go...

♪[Dance music]

COP #2: Hey, hey, hey,
don't jump the gun!

Relax, relax,
watch the stripper.

♪[Dance music]

SABATINI: Beat it.

Get outta here!

♪[Dance music]

SABATINI: Shit!

ALEX: Do you see what I see?

You knew it
all along didn't you?

COLOGNE: Hey!

[screaming]

[yelling and chaos]

ALEX: That's my wife!
That's my wife!

SALLY: Stop it!

COP #2: I said get back!

[yelling in Russian]

SALLY: Stop it! Stop it!

D.J.: Oh...

D.J.: (laughing) Oh shit.

D.J.: Oh that's gotta hurt.
(laughing)

[noise and chaos]

COLOGNE: Crazy up in here!

SALLY: Alex is out for blood.
He says his career is ruined.

He's suing the cops.
Look at this!

SABATINI: Holy shit!

My very own
fifteen minutes of fame.

SALLY: He was
suicidal last night.

After Bilkner bailed him out,

he said he was going to kill me,
strangle you, then hang himself.

SABATINI: He should reverse the
order and do the world a favour.

SALLY: How are yo,
are you all right?

SABATINI: Your husband
won't pay me,

my car got towed away
last night while I was in jail,

and I got an eviction
notice this morning.

How's that for starters?

SALLY: Well here, take some
money, to help you through.

SABATINI: No, no, no, I already
owe you for bailing me out, no.

SALLY: No please take it!

SALLY: How much do you
hate my husband?

SABATINI: I don't know...how do
you measure that sort of thing?

SALLY: No this is serious.

How badly do you
want to hurt him?

SABATINI: Well, if I could
get away with it?

I'd cut off his balls
with a dull bread knife!

Why do you ask?

SALLY: He threw me out
of the house this morning!
SABATINI: What?

SALLY: Yeah, kicked me out,

threw all my clothes in a bag,
keys, told me to get out!

SABATINI: What did you do?

SALLY: I went berserk!

Picked up
this butcher knife, right,

and I had it at his throat

and I had him cornered
right over the kitchen sink,

oh it was so tempting...

And then I let him go.

SABATINI: Why?

SALLY: Cause he wet his pants.
SABATINI: Eww...

SALLY: You know fantasizing
about something like that

is one thing,

but when you're actually doing
it, especially on your own.

SABATINI: Not so easy is it?

SALLY: I've been dreaming
about killing him for so long,

but I need you to help me!

SABATINI: Shhh!
What's the matter with you?

SALLY: Well, you hate him
as much as I do, don't you?

SABATINI: I guess.

SALLY: Do you love me?

SABATINI: What?

SALLY: Do you love me!

I need to hear that
from someone.

SABATINI: Alright...I love you.

SALLY: Good! Then let's do this!
Let's do it!

Do you have any idea what it's
like to live with that man?

SABATINI: I could only guess...

SALLY: Day after day...month
after month...year after year-

I just want to be
a normal woman again.

SABATINI: From what I've
seen so far...

that is not in the cards
for you, alright?

SALLY: You know,
chasing him with that knife

was the most excitement
I've had with him in years!

SABATINI: Okay listen,
we don't have to kill him.

There are other ways.

SALLY: No!

This is the way!

This is the only way.
It's so final! So complete!

SABATINI: Listen! I may be
a lot of things,

but "killer" is not
one of them, alright?

SALLY: Count it!

SABATINI: What's this?

SABATINI: Holy shit!

There's gotta be about
twenty grand in here!

SALLY: Twenty-five!

SABATINI: Where did you get it?

SALLY: My private stash.

SABATINI: Can you
throw in an extra five?

SALLY: Whatever.

SABATINI: And uh, fifty percent
of the insurance policy.

SALLY: Twenty percent.
Take it or leave it.

SABATINI: Okay, deal.

Let's kill the son-of-a-bitch.

Poof! Kaputsky!

NEWSCASTER: Alexi Enitlov,

considered one of the top
players at Bayfield Securities,

has been arraigned on numerous
charges, including: assault,

assault causing bodily harm,
and assault on a police officer.

A charge of spousal
assault was also laid

when it was discovered
that the stripper he attacked

was actually his wife.

He's been released on
fifty thousand dollars bail

and is due to appear
in court next week.

In the same incidents,

a little known private
investigator was charged

with assaulting a police
officer, Richard M. Sabatini...

BILKNER: So you had
no idea what she was doing?

ALEX: I had no clue.

BILKNER: You know of course,

the securities people are
going to revoke your licence.

I'm going to have Miss Desatto
here take care of your accounts

until this is
cleared in the courts.

[Tarzan yell on T.V.]

DENTON: This is Dennison
Denton Dangerous,

your rock 'n' roll fitness
coach telling you

to be the king of
your own to be jungle.

They say in this life
that ignorance is bliss,

I don't know what that means.

[Phone rings]
DENTON: How your body works,

if you put too many carbs
in your body, you will blow up!

ALEX: Where the hell are you?

GRETCHEN: Hi, listen
I'm just having dinner

with a new client...

ALEX: Well I've been waiting
here for two hours-

I had a chicken dinner ready.

GRETCHEN: Sorry, you know
how it goes, business first.

Okay I gotta go.
Call me sometime.

GENTLEMAN: Che bella...

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

SABATINI: Chicken dinner?
What an asshole.

SABATINI: Oh God...

COLOGNE: So what's next Dicky?

SABATINI: Don't ever
call me that!

COLOGNE: Sorry...Dick.

DENTON: Your shadow will
kill flowers...

[cursing in Russian]

ALEX: Not a single fucking piece
of chicken breast in this box.

SABATINI: This is the night,
let's, let's do it.

COLOGNE: So how you
gonna "off" him?

SABATINI: Kill him?

You wanna rot in jail
the rest of your life?

We're gonna sprinkle
a little bit of this rat poison

in his favourite cereal.

Not enough to kill him, but
just enough to fry his brain.

COLOGNE: Sally wants him dead!

SABATINI: She'll get over it.

Then he winds up
in the loony bin

and Sally gets
his money...BINGO!

COLOGNE: Yeah, so do you.

SABATINI: Nah, I'm doing
this for Sally, you know that.

COLOGNE: Yeah, yeah, bullshit.

SABATINI: Don't worry
I'll share with you.

Ah you know I always do.

Sex Therapist: And I need you
to be open, to be honest,

you know it's your life,
it's your sex life,

if you want it to be the best
you can be then give us a call.

Now we have a caller from
Mississippi, go ahead caller.

Male voice on phone:
Dr. Winston?
Dr. Winston: Yes?

Male voice on phone:
My girlfriend says she won't
have sex with me

unless I use condoms.

Dr. Winston: Well, you have
a very, very smart
girlfriend there.

Male voice on phone: Yeah!
but I'm allergic to latex see,

and I get hives on my cock.

ALEX: Hello? Tamara?

How are you sexy?
Do you remember me?

The foot guy.

Ha ha, yes! Mhm...

SABATINI: Hey, I need a beer.

Shit...

Holy shit,
did you drink all this?

SALLY: Close your eyes.
I have a surprise.

SABATINI: Yeah, well I don't
have time to play games, okay?

What the... holy shit!

Where did you get that?

SALLY: I got it on sale.

SABATINI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
are you going to do with it?

SALLY: I'm gonna slice Alex up

and make it look like
the neighbour did it.

SABATINI: Uh, I think you're
over-reacting just a little,
okay.

SALLY: This is payback time!

For everything he did to me,
for his condescending bullshit!

And you know what I realize?

Is that I'll never be a whole
woman while he's alive.

SABATINI: You've been watching
too many talk shows, okay?

I think you'd better let
Cologne and I look after this,

we'll take care of it, alright?

SALLY: Maybe you're right.

Maybe it might be
too messy anyway.

SABATINI: Look what I got.
Rat poison.

We're gonna make it look
like he committed suicide,

and with any luck,
tomorrow morning

we'll be reading his obituary
in the newspaper. Huh?

SALLY: Rat poison?
It's not too original is it?

SABATINI: It works.

[Door opens]

COLOGNE: Hello?
Dick-face, let's go!

Not gonna stay here all night.

SABATINI: Hey, Whoa, whoa,
whoa, can't you see that, uh,

Sally's a little tense?

SALLY: You two are
basic fuck-ups okay?

If you're going to poison
someone, you do it right.

SALLY: My mother's a diabetic.

And I've kept insulin in
our house, in case she visits.

COLOGNE: What the fuck
is she talking about?

SALLY: I read somewhere
that forty cc's of insulin

can kill someone

...without a trace.

COLOGNE: What?
SABATINI: Yeah it's true.

I mean, insulin is a natural
substance in the body,

it can't be detected.

COLOGNE: What the fuck
is this...Medical School?

I'm outta here!

SABATINI: Hey, hey, hey, wait
a minute, hang on a second,

I think we're on to
something here, alright.

Honey, give me that.

Give it to me. Thank you.

Listen, I got a plan...
listen carefully

COLOGNE: Okay,
why do I have to do this?

SALLY: Because nobody
will ever suspect you.

Here's cab fare, meet us at
the club as soon as you finish.

COLOGNE: No way! No way,
we do this fair and square!

Let's pick numbers.

SABATINI: All right, I'll choose
a number from one to ten.

Whoever's the closest
gets to do it, alright...

SALLY: Seven.

COLOGNE: Three.
SABATINI: You win.

COLOGNE: You didn't even pick!

SABATINI: I chose the number.
It wouldn't be fair would it?

All right, so
you know the plan.

Let's do it.

COLOGNE: Okay, hold on,

this calls for bonus cash
or I'm, or I'm out of here.

SALLY: Okay, what do you want?

COLOGNE: Two grand.

SALLY: All right.

SABATINI: You're such
an asshole.

COLOGNE: Make it four grand.
SABATINI: Aw Jesus!

SALLY: Here, here's six.
Just do it!

COLOGNE: Uh,
and a trip to Jamaica.

SABATINI: Okay that's it,
c'mon, that's it!

Fuck it, I'II do it myself.

COLOGNE: Fuck you! It's my gig.

SALLY: Okay, alright, alright,
alright, you got your trip.

COLOGNE: Uh and one more thing.

SABATINI/SALLY: What!?

COLOGNE: New pair of shades.
Mine got ripped off.

SABATINI: Jesus! Just do
the fucking thing, alright?

C'mon, let's get outta here.

♪[Dramatic music]

[loud snoring]

[loud snoring]

[toilet flushing]

[singing]

TAMARA: C'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, wake up.

C'mon, give it to me!

[screams and moans]

TAMARA: More! More!

[slap]

ALEX: [yelling in Russian]

COLOGNE: Shit,
no fucking breasts.

TAMARA:
More, more, more!

ALEX: [yelling in Russian]

♪[loud rock music]

SALLY: Hey...
SABATINI: Oh hey,
there you are.

Listen, you have to wave to as
many people as possible,

alright, so they'll remember
we were here tonight.

We need a good alibi.

SALLY: Well I'm gonna do a show
that no one's ever gonna forget.

SABATINI: Do it! Do it! C'mon!

[screaming]

[yelling]

ALEX: Dirty girl!

ALEX: [Singing in Russian]

[more yelling and screaming]

[painful scream]

TAMARA: Oh my God!

Alex! Alex! Oh my God! Alex!

ALEX: I am feeling bad.
I'm sick!

TAMARA: Oh my God!

I need an ambulance!

[hooting and hollering]

♪[Loud dance music]

[hooting and hollering]

SABATINI: Where the hell is he?

STEVE: Dude, closing time,
you gotta go.

SABATINI: Here,
I need five more minutes,

get outta here... beat it.

Jesus! Where the hell
were you?

COLOGNE: Wouldn't believe it
if I told you.

God, I need a drink.

SALLY: Is he dead?

Cologne, did you
kill him or not?

COLOGNE: I don't know!

ALEX: [screaming]

COLOGNE: I stuck him in the ass,

I stuck him in the ass
real good.

He was screaming,
crawling outta there,

I don't know,
who knows for sure.

SALLY: My God,
what have you done?

As much as I despised him,
I really didn't want him dead!

What have I done?

Oh God, we could all go
to jail for this.

This is terrible!

COLOGNE: Ricardo,

you gotta tell her
the truth man.

SABATINI: Alright, listen,

we injected him
with insulin right,

not, not enough
to kill him,

but just enough to put
his body into shock.

SALLY: What!?
SABATINI: Yeah!

So once his brain is fried,
okay then you know,

you wind up with his estate

and uh you and me...
we're set for life...

SALLY: But you said you
were going to kill him!

COLOGNE: So he lied,
big deal.

SALLY: Brilliant! Yes!
Sabatini you're a genius!

COLOGNE: Hey...
What about me?

I'm the one that did
all the dirty work here!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck!

Gotta get rid of the evidence.

SABATINI: What the hell's this?

What the hell's this?

I hope I'm dyslexic,

but what I'm seeing here
is a full bottle of insulin.

COLOGNE: What!
SABATINI: Yeah!

You idiot!
You idiot! You moronic idiot!

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Oh shit!

You!

Fabio Fragrance, are you out
of your fucking mind?

I'm gonna kill you,
I'm gonna kill you!

SALLY: Stop it! Stop it!
Both of you, stop it!

COLOGNE: Fuck you, calm down.

Okay, look, can this kill him?

SALLY: Probably.

COLOGNE: Still going
to Jamaica right?

[cell phone rings]

GRETCHEN: Hello?
I can't talk right now,

Yeah, sorry I'll call you later.
Bye.

GRETCHEN: I will see you
back at the office?

SABATINI: Oh hey Gretchen,
so good to see you.

I've got something
I want to show you.

Check this out.

They're cute eh?

Oh, oh look at this one, this
one is particularly delicious!

[laughter]

GRETCHEN: You're disgusting!

SABATINI: Of course I am!
Oh I like the tattoo on your a...

FEMALE EMPLOYEE:
You're a good...

good man.

BILKNER: We're gonna miss you.

(Sally crying)

MALE EMPLOYEE: So long mate.

SALLY: I didn't mean to do it.
Oh my God!

I didn't mean to.

SABATINI: This is good.

You know, this worked
even better than insulin.

I'm a friggin' genius.

COLOGNE: His brain's
like scrambled eggs.

DOCTOR: Are you
two gentlemen relatives?

SABATINI: Yeah, we're cousins.

DOCTOR: No, are you related
to the patient?

I need to talk to a relative.
I have a few questions.

COLOGNE: You think we're
related to that moron in there?

SABATINI: Listen, he had a rough
night, just ignore him, okay,

no you want to talk Mrs. There.

DOCTOR: Ma'am? I'm Dr. Wayne,
this is your husband?
SALLY: Yes.

DOCTOR: Has your husband
taken any medication

in the last week or so?

SALLY: Um...

Yes!

DOCTOR: Okay, cause according
to the lab reports,

he's had strange odour
in his blood and urine?

SALLY: An odour?

DOCTOR: Very strange.
It smelled like,

I don't want to embarrass you,

but does your husband
have a drinking problem?

SALLY: No.

DOCTOR: Because

he ingested what would amount
to an entire bottle of perfume.

SALLY: Wouldn't that
kill a person?

DOCTOR: Well came close
to killing him,

but somehow he survived.

[moaning]

SALLY: Oh my God!

ALEX: Sally? Sally? Sally,
is that you?

ALEX: Oh my God! Oh!

I saw the light,
I saw the truth!

You want to know
what the truth is?

You wanna know?

Work doesn't matter,
money doesn't matter,

the only thing
that matters is LOVE!

HALLELUJAH!

[preaching in Russian]

ALEX: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

TAMARA: Sally? I'm so sorry.
SALLY: It's okay.

TAMARA: Sally, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
he was your husband

until he was
admitted last night.

SALLY: No, it's okay.
How would you know?

TAMARA: Sally, I'm so sorry.

SALLY: It's okay.

ALEX: Tamara, honey!
Come here baby!

TAMARA: Alex...Sally...

ALEX: Honey, come here.

SALLY: Tamara...honey!?

You're a scumbag!

TAMARA: Oh my God! Sally...

ALEX: You know what?
That felt good! Hit me again.

SALLY: Yeah! With pleasure!

TAMARA: Oh my God!

ALEX: Oh! I want a divorce.

Let me sign that frickin'
divorce right now!

[screams in Russian]

Hallelujah! I am free!

♪[church organ]

SALLY (NARRATOR): Club Utopia.
What a wonderful name.

We all somehow
got what we wanted...

Now that I'm rich,
I bought the club,

and added a fancy restaurant.

I also became a celebrity,

appearing on
late night talk shows,

and on the covers
of famous magazines.

SALLY: And Alex -

he bought a shoe store
to satisfy his foot fetish.

And Sabatini
moved into a new office,

...with extra help.

And then he got a surprise visit
from a close family member.

YOUNG BOY: Hi Dad!

SISCO: What?

SALLY: Sisco got
even bigger surprise.

SISCO: You're pregnant huh?
Who's the father?

♪[reggae music]