Club Fed (1990) - full transcript

[Music]

oh

oh i'm busting you and putting you away

for good

don't worry about me i ain't going to

get caught going to prison

i was worried i'm not worried are you

worried i mean if you want to know the

truth

the only one i'm really worried about is

my ex-wife you're worried



i'm worried that one's crazy ever since

she caught me in bed with angelica

she's been intent on killing us

[Music]

yeah in fact i'm having someone come in

tomorrow put in bulletproof windows

look at this dumb parrot i paid 500 form

rolly does this plate that

yeah yeah i'm listening to you yeah i i

know the heat's coming down on me

but the feds ain't got a thing on me she

doesn't know she signed the contracts

[Music]

she thinks i'm helping her with a



penmanship

[Music]

i'm pretty smart huh

hey folly wanna crack hey

wow you want a cracker not a dumbbell

i'm not going to jail okay that's the

beauty part of it

good she's got angelica that's who

shut up don't you ever call her stupid

again

you got that

louie

i told you always wear your glasses when

you're near me

[Music]

is everything okay poopsie shut up

you're upset

maybe i can do something yeah

i've never seen you so excited before

don't ever touch this again oh

yeah don't blow a fuse you should have

known that was your gun

why'd you always carry a gun around why

do you always ask me so many stupid

questions

[Music]

i'm sorry dog the feds have been coming

down on me

they think i'm embezzling poopsie

i don't like to see you get so excited

you could've fooled me

oh poopsie

i refuse to make love with my glasses on

put those back on your walking action

without him

[Music]

is everything okay don't move

just take two steps backwards do it

[Music]

sit down on the bed

[Music]

that was the absolute best you ever were

and i'm not just saying that

[Music]

oh

[Music]

wow

you know poopsie i really owe you a lot

you took me off the streets taught me

self-defense

how to detonate bombs pick locks

but well

something's been bothering me

see we don't communicate with each other

i mean

i don't know who you are where you're

from i don't know anything about you

and every time i ask you a question

about yourself you tell me to quit

asking so many questions

i think you're really insensitive and i

don't like it

i also like it when you tell me to shut

up all the time

you can be very cold and heartless

i don't like your big smelly cigars i

don't like it when you leave the toilet

seat up and i don't like it when you

joke around and take your teeth out

there now don't you feel better that

we're communicating

i certainly do

die you wench

you're dead

[Music]

damn it mr pope that car stepped in

between us and the limo

i still think i can slip the microphone

into her car i think you should put your

headset on sir

[Music]

okay shall we cross the microphone in um

it's almost there come on bingo it's in

position

this isn't good sally you could end up

behind bars

nobody's gonna put me in jail after all

what i want to know is why is he so

intent on going after me

politicians who have gotten deals

approved and are evading federal taxes

maybe it's because he thinks that you're

just a ruthless [ __ ]

who abuses everyone in her past that's

just not

true i said french nails you

queen you're fired get out of here

how could that fbi chief say that about

me

phone you said it you're the greatest

there's nobody better

that'll be the last criminal act she's

going to be involved in

then lose him you idiot

oh and while you're at it could you turn

up the air

[Music]

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

guys

let's go

[Applause]

what's going on hey how did those two

car switch positions

[Music]

crazy

[Music]

rest her interrogate the chauffeur walk

the dog

love fat must come down

how could i help you i'll tell you how

i pulled some strings and got you

appointed warden at club fed

you got me appointed the warden but i

got a criminal record

that's why you're the perfect man for

the job

i want you to steal money out of club

fan frame one of the criminals

i'll bust the convict and expose the

scandal at a major press conference

and then club fed will be overthrown the

criminals will have to serve their time

behind real bars

and the filthy skull will learn that

crime doesn't pay

and we can split whatever i steal

you stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the

money for myself

i'm stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the

money for myself

[Music]

uh which comeback we're gonna bust

that's my department all we have to do

is make sure that the person we frame

is naive gullible and unsuspecting

and i know just the person

gosh don't tell me i forgot to pay

the electric bill

[Music]

you stupid ludicrous liberal jackass

you're out of here

thank you gang terrific now let me

introduce my next guest

he's one of my biggest heroes a great

american the director

of the fbi let's hear it for vince

hooligans

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

ah yeah vince let me tell you it's

really a pleasure to have you on my show

and you know you probably have heard

about this new

federal program which is about to begin

for the

white collar criminals let me tell you

here you've probably seen it in in this

stupid magazine here

it's uh it's a place called club

fed a very minimum security prison

come on give me a right

get this get this get this folks it

features a club

fed a revolutionary rehabilitation

program

give me a break this is ludicrous

vince how do you feel about this stupid

thing

wally it makes me

sick

[Applause]

these are criminals not tourists

they swindle innocent people out of

millions of dollars every year

and we give them an all-expense paid

vacation

[Music]

i am so utterly repulsed

these are criminals they're they're the

incorrigible unredeemable

vermin the scum and drugs of society

there is no way they deserve this royal

treatment there's no way this club fed

program will work

[Music]

where there is smoke there is fire

and where there are criminals there is

crime

and i guarantee you my friends that

one of these criminals at club fed is

going to commit a significant

unlawful act and when that happens my

fellow americans i promise you when that

happens

glove fed will be closed down forever

[Music]

sir sir uh i got that that radio station

you wanted whoa whoa hold on to the

cabin

whoa whoa of course i know how to play

the game

yes yes whoa that's right what's the

question

whoa whoa hold up

what was lincoln's last words twinkies

last words give me five seconds like

everybody else did

what was lincoln's last words uh uh what

i got it hold on what

what good seats wait don't don't don't

screw with it your job is right here

good seats yes

of course i know everything yes i'll put

my assistant on there

you just spend the money whoa you just

earned your salary in a twenty thousand

dollar bonus

sir i like to speak with you about my

bonus your bonus what bonus

what's happening with the subsidiary huh

i want to know what's happening can you

hold please

it's not so great sir we can't do this

with the new brand banking regulations

it's completely unauthorized you're

telling me we can't do it

hey no hey hey i pay you a lot of money

get the subsidiary make the deal

but sure you could go to jail jail me

i would love it i'm not going to jail

nobody's going to find out when will you

ever learn my son

that thou shalt not steal

i think it's time i closed this case and

excuse me

took my well-deserved vacation

if convicted he could face as much as 45

years behind bars

however due to his income bracket he's a

likely candidate for club fed

a highly ambitious and controversial

program that i for one

am in favor of

[Music]

[Music]

so

come in

[Music]

i'm sorry you probably want to be left

alone help me out you fool

hey you know this reminds me of a guy i

once knew in ohio

agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatics

just call me 976. it's 976 you've been

doing

fine work in the white collar division

i'm proud of you i know you're due for a

vacation

and for doing such great work i'm gonna

give you a special bonus this year

a two-week all-expense paid vacation to

club med

that's great thank you very much sir

well actually it's not club med it's

club fed

but don't worry they have all the sports

and recreational facilities you could

ever want

club fed no need to thank me

actually there is because while you're

having a great time i want you to do a

little undercover work for me you see i

have reason to believe that one of the

inmates

is trying to embezzle funds from club

fair i don't want you to uncover the

guilty party to come up with

evidence of corruption you want me to go

to club fed for my vacation

it's beautiful there you'll love it i

want you to go undercover as a corrupt

investment banker

who's been arrested for insider trading

and stock manipulation now don't let

anyone know your identity not the

inmates not the staff

definitely not the war i'm sorry sir but

i'm not really that interested in going

to a minimum security prison for my

vacation

i want you to stay close to this woman

and protect her

from your report i have reason to

believe that there might be an attempt

made on her life

now she's our number one suspect and if

she's the guilty party

i want her alive

or maybe it's just

[Music]

[Music]

holding you tight

[Music]

[Music]

imagine

sorry i thought you were someone else

agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatic

spray i'm depending on you

be careful although club fed is a

magnificent resort is also a haven for

sin

immorality and iniquity oh i

better take this with me then sir lord

now remember stay close to that woman

and keep your eyes open at all times

and uncover any signs of corruption that

you may find

and also don't forget have a wonderful

vacation

sure i will ah with your help we are

going to close club fed forever

and send those criminals behind real

bars instead of

on a vacation where some liberal judges

handed them in court

angelica posiotopoulos

i have some good news and i have some

bad kids

the bad news is for the crimes

of embezzlement and misappropriation

of funds i'm sentencing you

to 40 years

the good news is that you qualify for a

brand new luxurious prison

which we got going for us right now

bayless can you tell us more about it

yes i can judge there's now a new

government plan that's exclusively for

white-collar criminals who have made at

least 200 million dollars a year

you angelica faziotopoulos will be

spending your next 29

999 nights and 30 000 days at the very

elegant and exclusive

club fed that's right club fed

translated that means minimum minimum

minimum minimum security prison

this place has it all custom-made

bungalows trained professional personnel

on staff

catering to your every whim luxury

automobiles at your disposal including

limousines ferraris remlands

all with unlimited mileage you'll be

flown first class to club fed on

take a risk airlines and you may use

your frequent flyer coupons but should

you cancel your reservation

you'll receive another criminal charge

club fed sports and recreational

activities include a championship golf

course that

golf international magazine calls an

astonishing golfing experience for

any incarcerated man there's also tennis

courts

basketball courts a racetrack

windsurfing

we're just a bunch of bad boys and girls

if we could do it all over again

we never end up in the federal peak

[Music]

over on the man with a gun and time sure

flies when you're having fun

[Music]

back home if you're a nature lover

you'll drill the club fed's magnificent

trails

currently under construction is a club

fed studio

theme park and space center no wonder

that when criminals think prison term

they think club fed

news world magazine says club fed is the

type of place that people would

literally

kill for there's more customized

bungalows

the 24 hours a beauty and hair salon

made

to cut this ordinary criminal trying to

break in sir hey i'm no ordinary

criminal

i robbed over 257 elevens get him out of

here

oh hello angelica

posiotopoulos oh whatever

uh i'm bert boyle your warden and host

charmed i'm sure and this is vice

president kruger

and the governor s tishman

and our own mayor brazil

uh i'm very sure that you're gonna be

happy with our accommodations

it's so nice to have such an elite

criminal staying with us

i'm not a criminal you got that

um but but don't get me wrong i'm not

complaining

do they take lisa and american express

here

ah that's what the chief is gonna frame

right here

that's me my name is jordan rush from

channel p-u-t-z you're jordan rush

oh i want you all this is my assistant

morty mentioned

you've been milking people out of

hundreds of millions of dollars a

million billion

and you've just been voting the world's

most successful criminal

we got it we got it i told you

what do you plan to do now i'm going to

[Music]

club

[Music]

[Music]

brother

[Music]

[Music]

oh they're all such

little people

uh let me apologize for the ineptitude

miss rich

i'll make sure it never happens again

you better it'll be your job

what are you the head billboard around

here or what allow me to introduce

myself

uh i'm warden boyle welcome to club fed

hello call me bert

[Music]

only if you call me later tonight

tell me warden

is there anything a convict can do

around here to win

special favors

[Music]

well why don't you come up and visit me

later tonight and uh

we'll discuss it

meanwhile i'll show you the rest of the

grounds

everything everything

allow me

here we are angelica the princess suite

custom designed to your satisfaction

hello i'm your princess robot i don't

make sense

i don't do pores and i don't do windows

i'm sure even you will find everything

to your satisfaction

enjoy your sentence here really can't

believe all this i mean it's too good to

be true

i don't deserve it oh i'm sure you do no

i really don't

see i didn't commit any crimes

i'm not bad enough for this place

come on now don't be so modest i'm sure

you're as tested land to pray

as they come gosh must be dreaming

this is everything i've ever wanted a

beautiful

pink room a canopy bed

and a transvestite wearing a pink silk

chiffon roll

with marabou collaring cuffs

[Music]

i guess i never really wanted a canopy

bed

don't tell me am i in the wrong room

i thought these panties were a little

tight

[Music]

and on that note

allow me to introduce myself my name is

polk

howard polk posiotopolous

angelica posius

[Music]

oh i'm very sorry about the mix-up

i i told the bellhop i didn't think this

was my room but he insisted

i'll uh just get my things together and

leave you alone well maybe this is your

room

no i don't think so the wallpaper's pink

there's a heart-shaped bathtub in a

closet full of cocktail dresses and

formal evening gowns that don't fit me

especially in the hips oh well if you're

absolutely certain

it was nice meeting you it was my

pleasure meeting you

i'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of

each other

[Music]

uh since we're both in jail together and

all

right you'd never tell a girl to shut up

would you no

of course not

[Music]

i'm just not used to meeting many

gentlemen

i guess my type doesn't attract them oh

don't you underestimate yourself

you're kind and sweet and i'll bet

you're also

great in board games you know

i did win a spelling game once in third

grade

how would you like to accompany me to

the club fed string quartet

yeah i'd be honored i'm really looking

forward to it howard

don't be a chump poke she's the number

one suspect

[Music]

hello is this the swiss national pacific

bank

my name is angelica and i'd like to open

up a savings account

i'll be making large deposits into this

account

i'd like somebody to call me every day

at 12 p.m

and at this topia in los angeles time

and as for me

my number is 213-550-0824

you can build my account

no no problem i'll fax

over all the pertinent information thank

you sweetie pie

yeah who is it hey chief

the plan's in action how are you gonna

bust a convict

i told you not to worry everything's

under control

today a privileged tour of the greatest

state of club fed

we offer a fine wonderful escort service

and you simply won't believe the kind of

luxury the money can buy

a beautiful lovely bar

going down over here

[Music]

hello and welcome to club fed

bert boyle your host and warden

and indeed it's a a great pleasure to

greet you fine criminals although you've

all

probably have seen many of our

wonderful opportunities we have here

this is not a vacation

you want sent here to have a good time

club fed is offering you

a revolutionary experimental work

rehabilitation program i

knew it was a catch to this place no

getting nothing in this world for

nothing

hold on a moment reverend huh we think

you're the best criminals in the world

we're confident that if we put you back

into the corporate world

with therapists and uh licensed

professionals

working with you studying and analyzing

your business techniques

you can be transformed into uh

legitimate successful business people

wait hold on wait wait a minute i mean i

mean i mean mr boyle i mean

i i mean if we're going to be working at

a club fed i mean well what happens to

the money that we're going to earn

i mean who gets that okay harrison good

question

all the monies will go into a special

account and be distributed

to the various charities that we set up

especially for this experiment

i am going to administer the

distribution

charity

you're not kidding i think donating the

money to charity is a wonderful idea

but maybe i should just get someone to

break both of your legs so you'll

qualify please we're a family

hey wait a minute this is a golden

opportunity for

you to do what you do best and that's to

earn a great deal of money

all you have to do is attend class work

with the counselors

and then go to group therapy therapy

what am i nut what is this a medical

center you give me back my cable tv show

i heal all you [ __ ]

but there's nothing wrong with me no

[ __ ]

well if you're not interested i can

arrange for you to be uh

relocated to a maximum security prison

if you're a little lucky the jail cell

might have a light bulb

oh we love confed yeah

i always wanted a therapist of my own

well folks enjoy the rest of the week

and

i'll see you monday morning at 6am

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh this is sac religious oh

god they send you to a federal prison

and then they expect you to work

hey hey could be worse you know we could

be locked up in a jail cell with a lummx

named braun

that's a coincidence my name is braun

i think we better get these guys to skip

the hot oil part of the massage

fbi headquarters hello agent 976 lovely

pink puff and aromatic spray

social security number 350407462

i'd like to speak to the director okay

oh no

okay i know it's about your motivation

yeah dan what are you doing here

you just said you wanted to speak to the

director i was talking about the

director of the fbi are we filming now

okay i just wanted to say you're doing a

great job oh

your acting is totally believable okay

it was until this scene

um line anita

i'd like to speak to the director thank

you

i'd like to speak to the director one

moment please

hello agent 976 lovely robotic spray

what have you come up with

please call me 976. okay 976. what have

you got for

uh nothing yet but not to worry i should

be out of here in about

one week over

[Music]

i don't think we should use the public

bathrooms anymore i heard that

hey wait a minute polka i want to talk

to you a minute

who are you talking to in the store oh

[ __ ]

put that flush around here let's go back

to the bungalow

all right but i refuse to work with

gordon boyle again do you know the last

time he wanted me to dress up in his

great grandmother's clothes and beat him

with her cane

i was wondering where you got those

therapeutic mesh stoppings

oh oh oh don't do it again oh hurt me oh

my god

oh how could she be guilty of that what

is she guilty of

you know she used to work in the most

exceptional outstanding

and simple escort service in the whole

wide world

the rest of a girl that wasn't i'm a

religious man believe me

they're unbelievable now if you'll

excuse me i got a little consultation to

attend to

what

stan he thinks he's such a ladies man

i don't buy it

[Music]

oh oh reverend wait for us

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

gosh if i had known it was this formal i

would have worn underwear

[Music]

[Applause]

perhaps you'd be more comfortable if you

went to a wrestling match

you got a problem if the little lady

will not be quiet

perhaps the little lady who you call a

lady lady excuse me

angelico when you're listening to a

string quartet

you're supposed to speak very softly

otherwise some people become annoyed

it's also not a great time to pop your

gum here

you're right howard it's very

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

unsophisticated

[Music]

[Music]

i didn't know i ordered room service

[Music]

i just thought i'd knock on your door

and find out if you

wanted anything

come on there must be something around

here

i can't keep calling in saying nothing

nothing

wow hello there

[Music]

nice bust

hello

beat me whip me make me howl make me

bark

you're right

this is going to hurt me more than it is

going to hurt you

[Music]

wait a minute what you can't leverage

that much

oh i can't huh hey i do this every day

in real life oh yeah well it's illegal

you just integrated downstream didn't

you huh did you have any capital on the

table not a cent

well that is completely different

because i

am a man of the closet and i am doing it

for the church

hallelujah come on it's still illegal

[Music]

i'll tell you what let's make the game

more interesting yeah you tell me how

no more business efforts

come again no more business efforts now

you're talking brother

[Applause]

but praise the lord i'm back in the game

that's it clean up around here that

couch is filthy

and when you're through with that i want

the windows clean

and the floors wet if anyone calls for

me

i'll be in palm springs

no comprendo

[Music]

oh

[Music]

sorry angelica why don't you wear your

glasses

more often i think it would make a

really big change in your life

and everyone else is around you

i was told i don't look pretty with my

glasses on

angelica you look beautiful in bifocals

besides it's what's inside a person that

counts

[Music]

and inside you are very beautiful

it's probably the nicest thing anyone

has ever said to me

if it doesn't bother you i'll wear my

[Music]

glasses

[Music]

tonight the topic of our sermon will be

the creation and i will be reading

from the latin text a's pray

are they is he speaking in tongues

[Music]

[Music]

hallelujah

[Music]

that's the way i like it so just

[Music]

uh

let me hear it

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

angelica i'll be right back there seems

to be a little backstabbing going on

here

[Music]

tomorrow spamming will be for women's

only and the subject will be

intimacy and procreate

[Music]

what a sermon desolate you got those

women rolling in the aisles i bet huh

hallelujah

i've never seen this statue before how

grotesque

must be the work of satan hey you know

something you're perfectly right

i've never seen anything more hideous

and repulsive my entire life

i'm going to recommend that they dispose

of this immediately

today we're going to begin reading books

moby dick

the story of a whale do you like to read

oh yes i'm very well read and i love

animal stories

one of my favorites is the cat

and the hat comes back

what about uh horton hears a who yes

green eggs and ham one fish two fish

red fish blue fish

and then we'll read pygmalia oh i love

pigs

[Music]

uh

[Music]

good morning class i am professor less

pilot

that's so i am here to teach you about

ethics

this is ridiculous you want me to take a

class in ethics

this is a bunch of [ __ ]

wow

[Music]

[Music]

next time i'll put you in the corner

with a dunce cop

today we are going to discuss the

approved methods

of behavior in the business world turn

your textbooks to page 2943

two thousand nine what what 2943

angelica why do you have a deposit slip

from a swiss bank in your purse

mr pope if you have something so

interesting to say

maybe you'd like to share with the rest

of the class

[Music]

why does angelica have a swiss savings

account

and how could she have made a

transaction yesterday from club fed

is it possible that i've fallen in love

with a criminal

are those her real breasts and if

they're not do i have to keep them away

from highly flammable areas

141 142

gosh i'll never get to 2943.

hello reverend i'm going to be

monitoring and supervising your religio

ethical

efficiency what you

question my divine enlightenment child

this is blacks for me i could have you

stoned

or turned into a lapa please reverend

it's been a long day we're going to play

a game called suffer the consequences

if you can prove to me that you can

conduct your affairs legitimately

you will win the game i will step aside

and leave you alone

however every time you do something

fraudulent or

unethical one of your possessions

will be confiscated

and what is this one of satan's game

shows

can i buy a vow all right i think we can

begin

i'm looking for a tax shelter

and i have about seven million dollars

to

invest well where you come to the right

person

i got this church i'm about ready to

tear down on some valuable land in new

[Music]

jersey

i'm sorry reverend you're trying to

defraud me

let's see i think i'll take your escort

please come with me man what do you

think you're doing

this is a pious and some mystic servant

of mine and i will not

allow her to be manhattan like that

young man

you are officially cursed

all right i think you know how to play

the game

remember follow the rules or suffer the

consequences

well let's see what harrison is up to

now remember harris no illegal or

unauthorized technique is that

understood

yes it's understood i just don't

understand bron you

you still think it's necessary for me to

be electronically rigged

shock treatment in rats is always used

for yes rats rats

am i a rat for rats or people who do

things illegal

you know cheat lie

better get a little oops oh hope nobody

noticed

as long as i'm not too obvious

this is good

now you know i don't have the capital to

take out a loan but

do you suppose that you could help me

what do you think you can do for me

you want a loan this is harrison you're

talking to me

don't worry about it i will personally

oversee your loan braun

and and you're qualified

[Music]

what was that that's 1 000 votes and

it'll increase

each time you do something bad like

cheek steal lie

are you kidding i was just trying to

help you out bron

[Music]

get your clubs what is he screaming

about

[Music]

looks like i'm gonna use a nine iron

what about you well i i don't know

brauna i'm in that trap there

probably use a pitching wedge look you

know i don't know if i should buy that

business

the numbers don't seem to match you're

gonna be able to help me or not

you need help sure hey

you promised not to tell anybody brian

i'll get you one for 110

[Music]

whoa whoa you don't talk to me anymore

no no more no no loan for you braun

no more look at me i'm becoming luminous

i'm the luminous man i can't punish him

for being a lousy golfer

oh oh well maybe i'll see what's down

here

[Music]

so

[Music]

i don't get it yeah i was right

[Music]

this is demonic and profane every deal i

propose to raise money for the poor and

the needy

you tell me it's illegal

would you please turn up the heat please

be scrupulous reverend i beg you

nobody wants your underwear all right i

think i has a solution

i am willing to take a capital gamble

and transfer all the investors capital

into one of my non-private organizations

now in a short time

does anybody have a big leaf [ __ ] took

all the furniture

[Music]

why this guy really knows how to live

[Music]

oh reverend you're not the puck

[Music]

thank you so much for sending me free

now let betty set you free

oh you big man you hallelujah brother

betty is ready

today we will begin our group therapy

session

which will hopefully enable us to better

understand ourselves

who we are and why we have chosen a life

of crime

i decided to focus my attention on sally

rich

and i've asked harrison and raymond

tesler

to role play her parents

okay

i don't know what's the matter with our

daughter darling she's

constantly stealing from the charity

boxes supposedly going to the poor

underprivileged people in the third

world country

what's wrong with that she's really a

good girl

i mean look she needs time she didn't

mean to steal

or murder anyone hmm she's also

a harlot i caught her in bed with the

mailman

the milkman and the butler and all at

the same time too

what's wrong with that

she's a loving girl she gives of herself

that's what i'm talking about she gives

off herself to everybody

face the fact darling our daughter is

deviant

unscrupulous and a [ __ ]

and those are her best qualities

thank you oh

thank you i can't believe it

appreciated it

[Music]

i've checked out several of the inmates

sir i haven't got anything yet

what's that matter with you we should

have found something by now i want

evidence not excuses

check the blonde bimbos room again don't

worry sir if there's anything going on

illegal here i'll get our man

or woman

hey hey who you talking to on the

telephone

my uh my electrologist oh i have this

terrible problem with unruly nasal hair

as you can see get away from me huh i

don't trust you for a minute

i don't know what you're up to but i

swear i'm gonna watch every movie make

till i find out what's going on here

don't think i'm not aware of every

little thing that goes on

[Music]

why don't you buzz off hey you remember

what i said

this guy is a serious [ __ ]

oh angelica say it ain't so

i just wanted to tell you how

you're the first person who's ever

treated me with dignity and respect

helped me to gain self-confidence and

even some measure of grace and

refinement

i think we've both had enough to dream

oh oh allow me howard

uh you know angelica

you should always remember that it's

a terrible thing to break the law you

should always try to be a

good and law-abiding person

oh howard you're something else

i mean when you've had too much to drink

in your defenses

you become even more honest

just another reason why i love you

why i admire you so much

[Music]

[Music]

waiter yes sir could you remove this

table please

yes sir right away

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

uh

yes it is i'd like to transfer some

money

into my account sweetie

what is your account number 314-9212

thank you very much thank

please harrison tess please stop it i

mean making me nervous look i'm insecure

enough

none of us has even met this real estate

syndicator before you're such a worry

bird test

you know that don't you i can't believe

you here we are doing business legally

for the first time in our lives

and you look like somebody who's having

a difficult time with menopause

well i'm sorry tess this is the new me

i'm merely asserting my femininity

tess are you lucky you're not a woman

come in

hello boys hi how do you do

you must be fred and you must be

abnormal

you're just going through a phase don't

apologize for me tess

let's just cut to the quick okay

everybody knows you you're losing money

everybody knows that nobody's buying

your houses

right and the market is dead eh

it's a dead market so what i've done i'm

about to take

everything all of your houses off your

hands

i'm buying everything i'm giving you a

fair price

and here here's the contract

[Music]

you've got a deal i'm so proud of both

of you

you have actually made a legal business

deal

congratulations oh good now maybe i'm

getting my shorts

back could you hold on just one moment

i'm putting my associate on the line all

right angelica

go ahead close the deal howard i can't

do this

i don't have any experience and i

certainly don't have the background or

formal training to talk to a vice

president of a major company

hey don't be intimidated you don't need

any background or formal training to

succeed in business

all you need is common sense and

practical decision making and you've got

that

okay wait wait wait you can do this

all yourself you don't need those

glasses

just try it okay

hello this is angelica speaking

i want you to get all the employees

together we've got the funds in place

let's get this leverage buy out

done

[Music]

just make sure the chairman of the board

gets his half million in cash

howard what are you doing you know

that's not legal

um

well well i finally caught you doing

something

illegal i didn't know what it was but i

knew you were up to no good

we try to give people like you a break

polk

but you don't deserve it you're the scum

of the earth

and i'm here to see that you suffer

yeah what are you gonna do

i love darling oh no no not that

not joshua

[Music]

forgive me reverend for i have sinned

haven't we all i remember when i was a

little baby look sister

save us all a lot of time why don't you

just ask him for forgiveness and we'll

call it a day hallelujah

you see i was the only baby in the

family

my mommy and daddy spoiled me they were

always bringing me wonderful things the

toy

the teddy bear training bra oh

what was that i heard about a training

bra they brought me up with

good strong traditional values

but unfortunately i fell in love with

the criminal

who framed me and i promised myself

i would never let that happen again

oh reverend i think i'm falling in love

with another criminal

i knew she couldn't resist me take your

party

listen sister you got to stop biting

your feelings

you got to let him know how you really

feel hallelujah

but he's a criminal look we all flesh

under the skin

now you just asking for forgiveness lest

we forget

covet thy neighbor as i said hallelujah

i think i got it now

now over here i have something i know

you're going to love

it was constructed during the neo-toe

post patio period

it's called demon with large feet

angelica we have nothing to talk about

eight hundred dollars eight hundred

dollars

ma'am i want you to look at these feet

angelica i i know how upset you must be

but

i had a very very good reason for acting

the way i did

oh howard i am so disappointed in you

i mean you of all people you've always

preached to me the importance of being

honest and trustworthy

why did you do this

i shouldn't be telling you this but

i am an undercover agent for the fbi

please don't insult me i'm not a bimbo

anymore fifteen hundred dollars fifteen

hundred dollars

do i hear seventeen hundred dollars

angelica if you don't believe me

here's my identification card come on

that looks nothing like you

well that's because i'm undercover now

angelica i had to protect my cover so

i pretended to be crooked please

please you've got to believe me

you're just asking for forgiveness and

we call it a day

oh howard of course i believe you

i'm sorry forever doubting you i should

have used my common sense

two thousand dollars two thousand

dollars

two thousand dollars once two thousand

dollars twice

two thousand dollars sold to the woman

sitting next to the undercover fbi agent

angelica this is your phone bill from

your bungalow

apparently you've been making an awful

lot of calls to switzerland

not me the only long-distance calls i

made were

to south yemen fair and norway and

that's only because i accidentally

dialed too many numbers

well apparently all these calls were

made right around noon time

it's almost new now why don't we go back

to your bungalow

[Music]

this is ridiculous

gracias

it's a shame that gracias is the only

word i speak or understand in spanish

me too what are we going to do

if only we had something else to go on

besides deposit slips and my phone

well i have a feeling that any second we

are gonna get a phone call that's gonna

help

us bust this thing wide open

yes she is may i ask who's calling

swiss national pacific bank

uh what is this regarding

really well who asked you to call here

i see no

she will not be transferring any money

today

um could i get the number you're calling

from please

thank you very much what happened

he was told to call this number every

day at noon

but i never hear it mean exactly

however someone is picking up this phone

and transferring funds into a dummy

account under your name

i don't have any proof i'll bet that

burke boyle is implicated in all this

somehow

morton boyle why do you think he's

involved

well when you've been doing this as long

as i have you tend to have a visceral

deep-seated inborn innate intuitive

instinctive inherent intrinsic

i don't know what you call it

premonition for lack of a better word

i think i'm gonna pay mr boyle a little

visit i'll meet you at the party

this shouldn't take me very long can i

go with you no

whoever is doing this is very dangerous

now angelica i don't want you involved

in this

any more than you already are stay away

from bert's office

[Music]

hey what are you doing with all this

luggage

i'm afraid i'm going off by myself i'm

gonna leave you behind

but first i gotta tie you up over here

oh

you're two tight white man

what you're going to do to me white man

we're going to spoil and violate me

aren't you a white man you know

i'm originally from indianapolis

[Music]

wow

[Music]

this foreplay is killing me

[Music]

[Music]

but really i think i'm worth the wait

huh

apparently boyle opened up two savings

accounts

one under angelica's name and one under

his he stole money from the club fed

charity fund and

and deposited it into her account using

the phone from her bungalow when she

wasn't there

then he later transferred it into his

account using a private telephone

everything conveniently leading back to

her

you did an incredible job uh you

accomplished

exactly what i wanted to do i'm so proud

of you agent nine seven six lovely pink

puppet sprite

do me a favor call me howard hi i'm mina

is this the party line

no no sorry

hey howie what's that

um a swiss savings account number of

boils

yeah i'll need that to transfer the

money to safekeeping

three four nine one two oh

wonderful dirty double crochet he's not

going to get away with that

i'm going to set up a press conference

for tomorrow morning at 6 00 a.m

we're going to expose the club fences of

what it really is and send those

criminals back behind

maximum security bars where they belong

what are you talking about

the criminals didn't do anything wrong

it was boyle

hello hello

[Applause]

hello

i couldn't have planned it any better

i get all the money oil and angelica get

busted

club that is overthrown what a great way

to end the day

thanks to you hooligan knows i have

money in my account and he's planning a

great big double cross but he's not

going to get away with it because i'm

just transferring my money to

a different account i'm out of here just

after the press conference

you wouldn't be interested in taking me

along would you i have a nice smile

terrific personality and i know a lot of

great

bed and breakfast places sorry i'm tying

you up down the basement

eventually somebody's going to find you

but it's going to be too late

i got this nice bomb for my birthday and

i've been just waiting to use it

and you're the perfect person for it

yeah i'm sure i'll get a big bang out of

it

you know before i met you the doctors

told me i was frigid

and i think that that's why i was such

an intolerable person and why

why i turn to a life of crime but you

tame

me you have transformed me

and given me a new lease on life oh god

you're

wonderful i feel like singing it's on

your world

i sent you one for

me i'm

[Music]

during the press conference at precise

6am you're gonna join your ancestors

uh angelica will be arrested for murder

wait bert wait wait

if i were you i just give myself up hey

come on look you've stolen an incredible

amount of money from charity

you're about to kill an innocent man and

frame an innocent woman for murder

come on god hey what could a vile

detestable person like yourself

possibly do after this for an encore

you got me on that one

[Music]

[Music]

where is he big guy i don't know i was

just asked to guard this door

get out of here there's a bob said to go

off any minute save yourself

don't worry howard i know how to

disconnect bombs you do

yes oh

i don't like the side of that music be

prepared to meet your

maker uh could we please take this

disagreement to a different place

there's a bomb about to go off here

i'm going to kill you with my bare hands

i don't know who you are or what you

want but i'm a little bit busy right now

do you think we should talk later oh

that sounds like a good idea maybe we

could all go bowling or something

i'm going to enjoy this

what not to worry howard i just

disconnected the positive

and negative circuits this bomb is not

going up

how did you know what to do when i lived

with louie he used to get bumps into him

all the time

oh you lived with my

[Music]

i think i managed to unbutton my wrong

sleeve who do you want to donate your

organs

to maybe we should reconsider that

bowling idea that sounded like a lot of

[Music]

[Music]

fun

any dying requests i'd like to get

married

have children of a big house

[Music]

wait wait wait you wouldn't hit a girl

with glasses on would you please

let her take her glasses off first i'll

let you take your glasses off

you're gonna die before you can see your

life pass

before you

[Music]

yeah i was right about that sleep what

happened to her

all right it's a long story come on

let's get out of here

you really are suffering you know that i

don't know what was more impressive you

beating up that neanderthal woman or

deserving the bomb

i've been beating up

welcome ladies and gentlemen i've called

this

press conference to make the public

aware of what has been going on

here at club since its opening

the fbi has had a an undercover agent

posing as a convict working behind the

scenes

and due to his fine work we have exposed

the corrupt system of this so-called

penal institution matter of fact we have

compiled conclusive proof that one of

the inmates

namely angel nickaposalapalooza

has been stealing money from club fed

that had been designated for charity

i promise you that she will be

prosecuted to the fullest extent of the

law

this just goes to show you that once a

criminal

always a criminal and this mickey mouse

operation

is nothing more than a waste of the

taxpayers money

we should never pass never give

preferential treatment to crooks just

because they happen to be rich

now we can put them back where they

belong in the first place

behind bars and we will close the gates

of club fed

forever

[Music]

something very disturbing is ultimately

brought to my attention it seems that

this

uh pair of bumpulos was not alone

in her operation there was another

person besides

puzzle octopus who was misappropriating

funds and what is so

shocking and so disheartening is that he

is not one of the criminals he is

as i was saying what is so shocking and

so is his heart

[Music]

i used to think that it was a close

personal friend of mine

we used to eat at each other's houses

for dinner no

i set him up with his third wife when i

was sick he donated a kidney

coal in his flea now i know that he is a

criminal

and an attempted murderer he is none

other than

bird boy

i am agent 976 lovely pink pup and

aromatic spray the undercover agent

assigned to this case

and i have proof that yes there was a

misappropriation of funds

but it was vince hooligan and bert boyle

who are responsible

not angelica topless

now i have been here and i have been

part of this system

i have seen hardened lifelong criminals

rehabilitated

before my very eyes club fed

should be allowed to continue because

club

bed works

[Applause]

before club fed i was vain

and materialistic i was very much into

my looks

all i wanted was diamonds furs a winter

retreat in palm springs

ski chalet in saint maritz park avenue

apartment

assorted vintage touring sedans lately

honey

i think they get the idea okay

well my point is that i wanted those

things and i didn't care

how i got them now i still want those

things

but i care how i get them i think

everybody should spend at least six

months at club fed

to learn the difference between right

and wrong and to acquire

knowledge self-respect and

[Applause]

[Music]

sophistication

[Music]

wow

thanks to all of you

i'm going to leave here a different

[Music]

[Applause]

person

not only do i regret everything that

i've done

but i also intend to pay back all

the people that i've taken advantage of

as i know we all want to do hallelujah

thank you for coming to club fed

harrison and the reverend lived happily

ever after

fbi director vince hooligan got 20 years

in a maximum security prison

where he commissioned his mother to

write his memoirs

sally ridge was never discovered

burt boyle has been running away from

the law for over 20 years

he's never been captured but has however

won marathons

all over the world as for me

i became the fbi director in married

angelica who became the new warden

we later went on to star in club fed 2 3

4 5 6 7

8 9 ten eleven

twelve through nineteen boys

[Music]

34 was a good

[Music]

we one getting fat but we look real cute

there's no getting over on the man with

the gun

and time sure flies when you're having

[Music]

fun

46 47 48 was the one we shot in europe

[Music]

working

working on

[Music]

club fed 72 love fed 73

with the little goat 74 75

[Music]

76.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

all

[Music]

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

working on the changes

[Music]

[Applause]

where do we go

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

you