Clown Fear (2020) - full transcript
A runaway bride and her bridesmaids are stranded in a city run by clowns. Everything seemed normal at first but this clown cult has their own set of rules. It's a carnival ride as our girls tries to stay alive to escape Clown City.
Why are you always mixing
with the outsiders?
She was a fan of the show.
She liked the act.
Wanted to see my grand finale.
Eh, he's a drunk. He won't
remember anything in the morning.
Oh, I'll remember,
you dried-up cunt.
I remember everything.
I still use my head.
That's the problem.
You keep using the wrong
goddamn head!
Bah!
Baby, it's okay.
A man has to release
his manhood sometimes.
He's just doing
what he's built to do.
He's feeding his ancestors.
I don't mind if he goes out
and plays with 'em.
But why does he have to bring
these whores back here?!
We got rules for a reason.
And, you know what?
If we're gonna influence
the others,
we need to
keep them here with us.
We got to keep this all quiet.
Baby, am I sensing a little
of the green-eyed monster?
Don't you start with me.
- Don't you start with me.
- Is mommy getting jealous?
- Stop that now! You stop that!
- Mama's getting jealous.
- Mama's getting jealous.
- I'm not one of those whores!
- Now knock it off!
- Whore?!
Where's there a whore? Let me at her.
I think we have
a little visitor.
- Uncle Joey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry.
I had a bad dream.
And then I heard
someone screaming.
So I came downstairs.
Kat, what did we tell you
about coming down here?
Oh, leave her alone.
She ain't hurting no one.
Look at her.
She's just a little kid.
You kinky little man.
Who's that?
Uh... This, Kat,
this is an outsider.
What the fuck, baby, Joey?
Un-fucking-tie me!
Uh...
And this, Kat...
this...
This is what we do to outsiders.
Hey, no, no!
Not in front of Kat!
No, no!
Give her to me.
Give her to me. Watch.
Well, I almost died.
How the hell should I know?
Of course I'm okay.
How the fuck would I be
calling if I wasn't okay?
No, I'm not gonna
fucking calm down, okay?!
I'm stranded in
the middle of nowhere.
I practically almost died.
This guy came out of nowhere
and I didn't hit him.
That's why I'm in
this predicament.
It's raining and it's
fucking pitch-black out.
No, I'm gonna stay
strapped in until help comes.
What happened to the guy?
How the hell should I know?
He was here one second
and gone the next.
I can't see a goddamn thing
in this weather.
Shh. Did you hear that?
Oh, my... No!
I'm okay. I'm just wet.
Hello?
Oh, god damn it!
Fuck! Oh, my God!
Is someone there?
Creepy.
Not a scratch.
I'm a fucking rock star.
Did you move on me?
Typical.
God, I could really use a drink.
And, of course, there's
no minibar in the funhouse.
God, I love me!
Oh, yes.
Now that I've had
this life-changing event,
I'm so over you, Ryan.
But you're still buying me
that brand-new car.
That's what you get,
you little perv!
Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.
Oh, my gosh! There she is,
our princess!
And you're just in time.
Actually, you're like
three chapters too late,
- but you do look like a princess.
- Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
That dress looks
perfect on all of you.
- You're so beautiful.
- Yes, she is.
She's the future Mrs. Ferguson.
- Aw!
- Hey, baby.
You look just like
James Bond in that suit.
Why thank you, my darling.
I thought you ran off on me.
Not in a million years,
Tommy bear.
Okay.
We are reunited
and it feels so good.
But the thrill of flirting with
old minister is wearing thin,
and unless Tommy bear over here
forks over another 50,
let's get the show on the road.
- Mia, it is her wedding day, okay?
- Ow.
I'm saying, be a little
more sacred, that's all.
There is a drive-thru at
the back of the building.
See? That's why
I don't understand.
Why'd you make her the
maid of honor? I'm just saying.
- Oh, my God!
- I'm just saying.
Here we go.
Oh, my God. What, Nicole?
Nothing. I'm Switzerland.
- What does that even mean?
- It means she's neutral.
That doesn't even
make any sense.
You either agree or you
disagree. Can you shut up?
Remember we said that
we weren't going to do this?
Babe?
- What?
- Yeah, uh, hey.
Well, I actually told Carlee that she
shouldn't even have invited you guys.
- Thomas.
- Wow.
What?
No, no, no, no.
I mean, okay, so here
we have the slutty one.
- Wow.
- And over there
we have the nerdy kinda
bangable girl with the glasses,
which I kinda like.
But, you, oh, you...
No, no, no.
- You are the needy, desperate girl.
- Stop.
- Hey, but you're all equally annoying.
- Oh, my God.
And after today,
we're going to be married,
and we don't need you bitches.
- Whoa.
- Damn.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Unless one of you beautiful,
fine ladies would like to have
dinner with me this evening.
Have you both lost your mind?
And could you quit
calling them "bitches"?
- Jesus. Sorry.
- What?
You said we're not
gonna do this anymore.
Okay, what I meant was,
we're not going to keep fighting...
The girls aren't, and... Okay!
The slutty one thinks it's cool.
Let's just get you two married.
- Great.
- Well, I have an idea.
No, shut up.
Hello? Remember me?
- Sorry.
- Thanks.
This reminds me of the proverb:
"A slip of the foot,
you may recover,"
but a slip of the tongue,
"never, never."
Okay, that's not the Bible.
That's Benjamin Franklin.
Honey, I'm trying, okay?
And, you, ID?
- Shit.
- No ID, no certificate.
I left it in the car, babe.
I'm sorry.
I'll go get it, okay?
Just relax, babe.
Okay, we're fine, right, girls?
I'm sorry.
It's okay, I'll get it.
Just relax. I'll be back.
- Relax, huh.
- Okay.
- We're good, right, girls?
- Yeah.
Okay, I love you.
We're getting married.
Okay, Miles,
can you just go get your...
Thanks, babe.
Sorry.
You're getting married!
Son of a bitch.
Friends, we are gathered
here on this serious occasion
to celebrate the union of two
souls coming together
forever as one
for all of eternity.
The scriptures tell us
that love come forth
like sunshine after the rain.
Not the Bible.
That's Shakespeare.
Hello?
Let's just get to it, okay?
Do you, Carlee,
take Thomas to be your husband,
to love and cherish for
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And how about you, Thomas,
do you take Carlee
to be your wife for as long
as you both shall live?
No.
Not today.
Not ever.
Come on, man.
Stop playing.
Stop playing.
Did you fucking cheat
on me last night?
No. I...
Well, yeah, but...
You said we had a pass.
A fucking pass?!
I should've known you're just
like your slutty friends.
Stop calling them that. I mean,
you're gonna laugh when I tell you.
- It's...
- Really, Carlee, I'm gonna laugh?
You're hurtful.
After everything
I have done for you,
you are ungrateful.
No, baby, it's not like that.
- I've put up with this shit long enough.
- You don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
Yes, yes I do.
We're done.
This is it forever.
I never want to see you again.
And when you get back,
all your shit will be on the street.
No, baby.
What was I thinking
getting married to you?
I have this dress
and all my friends...
Just fucking leave.
No.
Just fucking leave.
Hey, you know what? Come here.
You don't deserve this.
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
It's okay. It's okay.
You know what? Super
grateful this is fucking over!
And take your slutty friend with you,
please.
Fuck you.
That's mean.
That didn't go very well.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be judgy,
but, I mean just wondering,
like, why would you cheat
the night before your wedding?
- Come on.
- Seriously?
Yeah, I'm gonna
stay out of this.
Yeah, of course you would.
I didn't cheat, okay?
Okay, well, not technically.
Sorry it didn't work out.
If you guys make up,
I'll do it next time for half price.
Yeah.
I just don't think
that's gonna happen.
Look, man, there's a lot of
hot bitches out here.
Let's just hit up
a strip club and get drunk.
We're in Sin City, baby.
Shit.
I still have her phone.
Yo, don't look at it.
He's gonna send a dick pic.
What? No, no.
Here, you take it.
Mm.
Not bad. I like it.
Hey, I got no problem.
My uncle's that way.
You guys should see this.
Fantastic.
I got a question.
Uh, do you think it
looks like he would be...
bigger than me?
Not that I'm worried
or anything.
Bigger than these?
Oh, shit.
Question number two, then,
and let's be honest.
Why was I the only one not
invited to the bachelorette, then?
Because, Amber,
we knew how you'd be.
Oh, and how is that?
All right, I love you, Amber,
but if Mia would've told you
that we invited a stripper
to the bachelorette party,
you would've freaked.
- Fair?
- No.
I think I would've
been cool with it.
What?
No, I can't even
stay quiet on that one.
Really?
You know what?
You guys are bitches.
Fine, okay?
Yes, I think it's a little weird
that you had a stripper
at your bachelorette party.
I mean, I've never
even met a stripper.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I actually love you.
You know what?
Shut up.
Fine, okay, tell me.
Like, what's she even like?
It's a girl.
She was with a girl last night.
Wow.
Your girl just got hotter.
- Right?
- Damn.
Hey, that's my fiancée
you're talking about.
God, I'm so stupid.
Mia told me she was gonna
hire a stripper last night.
Big cans, just like I like 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
- Big titties.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Okay. All right.
So you're telling me,
just so I got this straight,
that you weren't cheating...
You were having a fun romp
with a stripper the night
before the wedding.
Okay, first of all, one,
she wasn't exactly a stripper.
I would call her
an adult entertainer.
- Oh, please.
- What?
That's what
the business card said.
Two, Thomas and I
have an agreement
that it's not considered
cheating if it's with a chick.
Wow.
What planet is this?
To quote the scriptures,
you win some, you lose some.
Obviously you never read
a Bible before.
All right, you got me.
I just wanted
to stay in character.
And, you know, you got
your money's worth.
That's Vegas.
We gotta go get her back.
We don't even know
where they went.
I don't care.
We gotta get her back.
There's only one road
out of Vegas, okay?
It can't be that difficult.
Road trip.
Yes!
Oh, no. Not you.
Okay, so if you and Thomas
have this great setup,
you've been together
for seven years,
why do you even
need to get married?
I don't know.
'Cause I can't imagine
a future without him.
- Ugh.
- See?
Because he's Tommy bear.
God, he was such a dick.
I can't even imagine
talking to him.
That's good, because
you don't have your phone.
Fuck.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway,
because we don't have any service.
I've been checking
since we've left. Trust me.
And now we're gonna be stuck
in these ridiculous dresses.
Hey, I love these dresses.
- Thank you, Amber.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what? Let's just get
out of Vegas for a couple hours.
It'll give me time to think,
and there's a great spa
a couple hours
in the middle of the desert.
They'll give us robes.
We won't need our cell phones.
And, um...
Thomas says that he is
really, really sorry.
Well, then shit.
All is forgiven then.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Okay.
Where the fuck are we?
I think I passed it.
Why didn't you wake me up
and ask for directions?
I just... I thought I would
see it along the road.
What the hell was that?
I think I'm seeing things.
What is it?
A... A clown in the middle of
the desert flipping us the bird.
Oh, my God. Honey,
you really need to lay off the shrooms.
Are we there yet, guys?
Uh, no. Mia almost hit a clown,
and we're lost.
Wait, what?
What time is it?
It's dark o'clock.
We are not lost.
And my quick reflexes saved
wildlife from crossing the road.
Yeah. Wildlife.
And we're lost.
Okay, but how can we be lost?
It's literally
a one-way highway.
Morning, sunshine.
Just in time
to start bitching at me.
I can't imagine
why you're single.
Fuck off, Mia.
I'm literally pointing out
that if you used GPS
- like a normal person...
- There's no signal out here.
Well, that's no frickin' bueno.
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Well, we still don't
have service.
Wait. Guys, look.
Okay, it's a motel.
So we could use their phone.
I am not walking over there
in these heels.
Then stay here if you want to.
Okay, I'm coming.
Hey, I thought
we were on a truce.
I'm sorry.
How's your head?
It hurts.
Of all the motels
in all the world,
we just happen to break down in
front of the creepiest motel ever.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, who even builds a creepy
motel in the middle of nowhere
besides a deranged lunatic?
Guys, it's not creepy.
It's kinda kitschy.
I'm pretty terrified.
Gonna be okay.
It's just a weird motel
in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, thanks.
That helps.
We all float down here.
Stop!
Shh.
- Oh, careful.
- Can't believe we're going
in the clown motel...
Okay, wow.
Wow.
Holy shit.
This is so cool.
Um, I'm scared.
What do you ladies expect
from a Clown Inn?
Hello.
Hello!
Great, that's exactly
what you'd say
before someone comes in
and brutally murders us all.
- I heard you the first time!
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
- No need to get your panties in a bunch.
Now, what can I do for you?
Just, uh, we'd, uh,
love to check into
your love... lovely inn.
Fine.
Great.
What the fuck was that?
I know, right?
Where'd she go?
I don't know.
Okay.
Quit it. Stop it.
Another dead soldier.
I got you, homie.
Yo, how far
are we gonna drive, man?
They probably already
headed back to Vegas
where we should be finding
new bitches.
No. We would have passed them
if they were going
the opposite direction.
Look, I gotta find her, okay?
I gotta find her.
I would never forgive myself
if I didn't.
All right, chill out.
We'll find 'em.
Hey. Thanks.
Thanks for being there.
God, I just don't know how
things got so fucked up, man.
Because bitches are crazy.
For real. I mean, I'm down with
the hashtag "me too" and all,
but bitches
are really fucking crazy.
What do you know about "me too"?
Oh, I know.
I bet you know.
What the fuck?
Oh, my...
- What is that?
- Shit, man.
Who is that?
I'm sorry about
the "me too" comment.
Fuck.
Where the fuck is that
music coming from?
That's the question
you're asking me?
Yeah. That shit's creepy.
How about,
why there is a big fucking clown there
with a motherfucking rabbit?
What is he about to do
with that bunny?
Something tells me
we are about to find out.
I don't fuck with clowns, man.
They scare the shit out of me.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Okay...
That's just some
creepy guy, okay?
With fucking makeup on his face.
Relax.
I don't think so.
Oh,
my fucking goodness. Go, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Stop playing, man!
That shit ain't funny.
The car won't start, okay?
Shit. Go! Go!
Come on, man, stop playing!
This shit for real!
Get out of here!
What the fuck, man!
Let's go, let's go!
- Shit!
- What the fuck? Let's go!
Relax.
- Hee hee hee!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
Just go!
The car won't fucking start!
He wants me to roll
the window down.
Let's get out of here!
Come on! Come on!
Where'd he go?
Shit, man, this is just like
one of them horror movies.
And guess who's
the first one to die?
Me!
This ain't a movie, and
you're not gonna die.
Where did he go?
- What is that?
- I don't know.
It's all around us.
You just knocked him out.
Go check! Check!
Is he still down?
Is he still there?!
Fuck, all right. Shit.
- Do you see him?
- I hear something.
Miles, do you hear that? Miles!
Miles? Miles!
Fuck! What the fuck!
Fuck!
We gonna go after him, Tiny?
Nah, let the vultures get him.
Hey, Carlee,
I still don't have service.
Will you see
if they have any Wi-Fi?
Okay, but I highly doubt it.
Excuse me,
do you have any Wi-Fi?
Excuse me,
do you have any Wi-Fi?
Why yes, yes we do.
I have to get my daughter
to turn it on, she's a wiz
at that um... um, um...
That computer stuff.
You kids these days, you just
think you know everything.
So, um...
Um, so, what do you girls
think of this place?
I think it's kind of creepy.
And Myrtle over there is one
taco short of a combination plate.
But I think we should
stay the night.
Yeah, she's been
hitting the sauce,
I can smell it on her breath.
Of course.
I'd be drunk every
day if I was living here.
True.
Um, hello?
I vote we don't stay.
I think it's really scary.
I think we should call an
Uber and get out of here.
Babe, this place is harmless.
I'll protect you from anything that
tries to get near your panties tonight.
But FYI,
Uber's not gonna drive all the way out here
- just to pick us up.
- True.
Oh, but Carlee,
you could call Thomas.
Just saying.
Okay, new plan.
We stay here...
for the night,
and then we get the car
fixed in the morning,
and we let everything
kind of blow over.
Besides, you guys will get
your money out of your dresses.
Yeah, 'cause they're so comfy.
Yeah, well, it's dark.
It's the logical thing to do.
Yeah. Think of it
as an adventure.
Okay.
We're gonna laugh about this
when we're older.
We are older.
Hi, I'm Kat. My mom tells me
you want to use the Wi-Fi.
- Oh, good.
- I just turned it back on.
We don't like to keep it on
at night 'cause some customers
like to surf porn.
Porn is a sin!
People fornicatin'
so others can watch.
It's punishable.
Punishable!
- Oh.
- Wow.
I hear you want two rooms?
Yeah. Two rooms, two beds.
Sure. I'll put you
right next to each other.
Thanks.
Uh...
Uh, okay. Let's go.
Your rooms are upstairs
and around the corner.
All right.
Sleep tight.
Thanks, Kat.
Oh, my God.
These beds are made
for small people.
Oh. There must be
a mix-up in the room.
These beds are for little kids.
This is ridiculous!
They gave us clown beds.
Oh,
my God. They gave you guys the same thing.
Gross.
Gross.
- This is bullshit.
- Yeah!
I am going to smoke.
You in?
No, no, no, no, no.
Guys, I'm really tired. Honesty,
today's been really scary.
I'm gonna go to bed,
and I'm really hoping when I wake up,
this whole nightmare's over.
This is scary.
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight.
Well, I'm going to take a bath
because we missed the spa.
Just to have a little sex session,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, yeah.
You, you're up.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be down in a
bit. I'm just trying to find service.
I just haven't got it yet.
Don't go on any porn.
You don't want Myrtle
the turtle to see.
Myrtle the turtle.
Bye!
Ah. This is actually
super comfortable.
Mm.
Thomas would love this.
Mia?
Mia Pia?
Amber?
Amber?
Oh, my God.
Dude, your face!
I'm so sorry.
Not funny.
I was looking for reception in
the room and I still couldn't find it.
You scared the shit out of me.
I was trying to have a nice
moment out here. Fuck.
Oh, yeah, I love cemeteries too.
I'm talking about
the stars, dumb-ass.
Fucking stars.
Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Yeah, that's what freaks me out.
Aren't you just
like a little curious
about what goes on
on the other side?
No, Nicole I'm not.
Fuck.
Thanks, girl.
Hey!
There's something out there.
Hello?
What are you doing out here?
Oh, I'm just having a smoke.
Is that what I think it is?
Uh, yeah.
Is that okay?
Yes. Can I?
Yeah! Here,
take the whole thing.
Oh, I just want a drag.
No, trust me,
there's plenty where that came from.
Are you one of those
runaway brides?
Yeah... How...
The dress. Yeah.
No, I'm just an idiot.
He was gonna marry you?
Yeah.
So it was serious?
You know, I was late
for my own wedding.
I just left him standing
there at the altar.
I should have stayed
and like, fought for him.
Well, you're gonna need
a new dress now, though.
It's still the prettiest
dress I've ever seen.
Thanks. I got it for
50 bucks at Goodwill.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I'm like
a bargain shopper.
Just like my momma.
She's a coupon cutter
and a bargain bin picker.
Yeah, my mom too.
That must have been
where I got it from.
She died
when I was a kid though.
Oh, that's... that's too bad.
Yeah. Fuckin' life.
Must be pretty boring
for you out here.
You're so pretty.
You got a boyfriend?
Well, no.
I'm not allowed to talk to them.
My parents say boys are bad.
I like them though.
You're kidding?
Shit, so...
you're telling me you've
never been with a boy?
Have you... been...
with your boy?
Yeah, I've been with him
and a couple other boys,
and some girls, too.
I wish I was more like you.
Yeah?
How so?
You just seem so strong
and confident.
Thanks, Kat.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
God, I don't
feel like that lately.
I'll take the compliment.
There is one boy
in this town I like,
but he's too immature.
Oh, yeah?
Well, most boys are.
And you know what?
They don't ever grow up, anyway.
His name is Matthew.
He's been trying
to get with me, but...
I have to keep him
from my parents.
How old are you?
Twenty-four.
Just had my birthday last month.
You're 24 and you've
never been laid?
You're quite the enigma.
You're so innocent.
You wanna do something
fun tomorrow?
- There's a hot springs close by.
- Yeah?
Yeah, you know what?
That's perfect.
Actually, you know,
that's what the girls
and I were gonna do,
is go to a spa before
we ended up in this dump.
Okay, no offense, but...
Yeah, that'd be cool.
- I'll tell 'em.
- I can take you guys.
Matthew's gonna be there, too.
Ah-ha. All right,
I can see why you'd be there.
You know...
you're smart.
You know,
I gotta hit the hay.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night.
- Here.
- Thanks again for this.
Yeah, no problem.
- Night!
- Good night.
Car?
Is that you, babe?
Mm. Sure was a long smoke break.
What the fuck?
Hey, Mia!
Wake up!
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Here, I got you.
Oh, my God, you almost drowned.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Wow, I just had
the worst nightmare.
Yeah.
These clowns were
trying to drown me.
Wow, okay.
Yeah. Holy shit.
That was so real.
I think it's just all these
clown pictures in this place.
God, get me out of this tub.
Okay.
I know what you'd say, Miles,
I know what you'd say:
"You're gonna get those
motherfuckers, right?"
I'm supposed to...
I'm supposed to
be getting married.
The fucking clowns!
I'm sorry, Miles.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm fucking sorry.
How the fuck am I here?
Fuck.
You wanna fuck with me?!
All right, all right.
All right, Miles.
I'm gonna do this for you,
buddy.
This is for you.
This is for you.
You fuckers!
Come on, do it!
Yeah...
You must be willing to sacrifice
for the brotherhood.
- Through it, hey?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey!
Fucking liar!
I seen you, man.
- I was...
- I'd do it all for the brotherhood.
- Let's spin.
- Uh-huh.
Whoa-ho.
You shut up!
I ain't afraid.
Come on!
Fucker's gonna
shoot himself. Fuck!
This is for you, Miles.
Stupid clowns!
You guys are... crazy.
This is for Miles!
He didn't deserve to die!
And this is just
for that rabbit!
Whoa! Oh!
Ahh!
So, who are you?
I take it you're
the big stupid clown?
Oh!
Shit!
You got spunk, kid,
got to give you that.
Don't you worry about
that little bunny.
I got another bunny
in mind for you.
You boys. You fuckers!
You're as useless
as tits on a bull!
Now, get him inside!
Now!
Fuck.
God, for a population
of fucking 5,
there sure is a lot of
noise in the morning.
Fuck.
- What is wrong?
- My purse!
- What?
- Oh, fuck.
Where's my fucking keys?
Did you forget that
I drove last night?
Apparently.
Nice ass.
Thanks.
Hey, what are you doing?
That's my car!
- Found it on the side of the road.
- Yeah!
Thought the owner might be here.
Yeah, well, we gotta
get back on the road.
We gotta go.
Hello?
If you lookie here,
your rim's all beat up,
and you ain't got a spare,
so I got to get you another one.
Yeah! Hey...
Yeah, that makes sense.
Sorry. I'm just...
Yeah, um, what did you say
your name was?
Jebediah. But my friends
call me Jeb.
So does that make us
friends now, Jeb?
Well, sure.
So, uh, how long do you
think it's gonna take
to get the car going?
Out here, no telling.
I gotta go to the junkyard,
find you a matching wheel.
So, where's your shop, Jeb?
Shop is just over yonder.
Right over there.
- Cool.
- That's a nice dress you have there.
Oh, thanks... Jeb.
You wait at the hotel,
I'll let you know when it's ready.
All right.
Bye.
Ooh!
You ready for spa day?
Jeez, can't you wait,
Tits McGee?
Whatever, it covers
the same as a bikini.
- I told her, I did.
- She did.
Okay, what is going on
with the car?
Bad news, it needs a rim.
Good news is,
I found out who's gonna
give me my next rim job.
- Oh, my God.
- Um, ew.
- Oh, my God...
- Of course you did.
Does this mean you're gonna
bail on us for our spa day?
- Yeah.
- No.
Whoa... Hello! Whoa.
What do they say?
Oh, and I have these.
You're like the cutest
little human ever.
- Thank you, darling.
- Yeah, thank you.
Now you almost look
like you belong.
Except for the clown noses.
- Shut up.
- Thank you, Kat.
Thanks, Kat.
Are we ready to party?
In the spa?
- Let's go!
- Yeah.
- You know what, guys?
- What?
This is, like, really fun.
Oh, my God, Ambular
is actually having fun?
Alert the media!
You know, I'm gonna take your
fun and I'm gonna one-up you,
because I've been wearing
this dress for so long,
I'm actually
starting to like it.
Yeah, that's Kat's fault,
because she gave us these cowboy boots
and they make all
the dresses look perfect.
True!
This is my favorite
day ever, guys.
I want you to keep
the boots as a present.
No, we can't do that.
Yes, you can, shoes are my
thing, I collect 'em.
I have, like, 50 pairs.
I love you so much. You
know what? I love you so much
that in fact, we are
going to wear these boots
when I marry my new crush.
And you're gonna be
in the wedding.
Okay, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let you marry
a tow truck driver.
Have you seen how
fucking hot he is, though?
I agree with you, actually.
I know!
You know what, guys?
- What is she doing?
- My name is Amber.
And from this day forward,
I will no longer be
so uptight.
I mean, you're not even
gonna recognize me...
- Amber?
- Amber!
Shh! I'm feeling myself
right now.
I'm gonna be so crazy,
in fact...
Whoo!
Old Amber's dead!
You girls aren't
from around here.
It's kind of obvious, isn't it?
It's obvious we have
a situation of public indecency.
Jesus.
Hi, Officer O'M...
Is there something we
can help you with, Officer?
You can.
Your friend's gonna need
some toilet paper.
Huh, Captain?
Ain't that right?
Pissing all over the street.
Enough, Goodspeed.
Surprised to see you here.
Sorry, Officer O'Malley.
Just showing 'em Salt's Creek,
that's all.
Just us silly girls
having some fun.
No harm intended.
This is bullshit.
Well, Katie, if you
hang around with clowns,
don't be surprised
if your life becomes a circus.
Sorry to scare you girls,
but we have a duty
to serve and protect.
There's a lot of
unsavory people around here.
So keep your panties on.
Don't mind him.
He's got a sick sense of humor.
Come on, Goodspeed.
Boys will be boys.
Ladies.
I'm sorry.
Fucking cops.
Pigs.
Screw them. We'll run
around naked if we want to!
Tell us how to live?
What to do with these?
You know what?
I'm gonna write a review.
Ah, this is amazing, Kat.
Best-kept secret in Tonopah.
Yeah, this is way better
than a real spa.
Yeah, who needs Botox anyway
when you have
a natural mud bath?
Okay, guys, I need a hug.
- No. No.
- No.
- Carlee?
- Screw off.
- Come on. Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
- No!
What?
Show your face!
Get out here, pervert!
Ew! Why are you staring at us?
Oh, no, ma'am.
I-I just didn't know what to do
when I saw y'all naked.
First of all,
not all of us are naked.
It's okay,
it's okay. He's my friend.
- I invited him here.
- Hi, Kat.
Hi.
- That's Matthew.
- Oh, this is her boyfriend.
Okay.
I wasn't expecting you
for another few hours.
I'm sorry.
I finished my chores early
and came right over.
That's okay.
I'm glad you're early.
These are my friends.
- They're staying at the Clown Inn.
- Hi.
Kat:
I'm just showing them around.
Y'all, uh, y'all like it there?
Where?
Oh, the Clown Inn. You know,
with all the smoking and stuff?
Yeah, you sure do like
your clowns around here.
What's with that stuff anyway?
Oh, it's just all
urban legends and stuff.
Your mom was always saying
it's more than just that.
Well, she's always saying a lot.
- For God's sake, just spill.
- Yeah.
That motel was built
on a cemetery.
Which was the final
resting place
of the Loretta
coalminer's plague.
200 souls.
All of the buried in
that there cemetery.
The carnies came in and there
were these circus clowns, right?
And they were marrying all the women
of the dead, you know, coalminers.
It's okay.
What are we gonna do?
He was everything to us.
So many men have died.
- We are cursed.
- No, we're not. It's okay.
We have each other.
- Betsy, who are those men?
- I don't know.
- Stop it. Who are you?
- No. Stop.
Stop.
Stay away from my sister.
Hey! You better leave
those women alone.
No! No!
No!
Betsy, run! No!
Get off of her!
Betsy, run!
No!
Some people believe
if you stop catering
to their ancestors,
the clowns,
boy, they say they sure did
love their booze,
cigarettes,
and all the clown nonsense.
Oh, oh, and the women.
Ooh.
Lots and lots of women.
And if you ever broke
the code of the clown,
you'll come down
with a painful death.
If you haven't noticed,
a lot of smokers
and drinkers in this town.
Ain't much else to do.
It became almost like
some weird religion.
Then the whole thing
got real cult like.
And now since that outsider
killed Tiny Clown's twin,
he and Big Clown ain't ever
- remove their clown make-up.
- Okay, Matthew, that's enough.
They don't need
to hear any more.
I thought you said
they were your friends,
not outsiders.
On that note,
I'm out of here.
Good to meet you, Matthew.
Yeah, um, I'm gonna, too.
Sorry. Bye.
Where are they going?
Okay, yeah, let's split, too,
'cause I'm starving.
No, no, no, no, no.
I wanna stay in the grotto.
There's no way I'm going back
to that clown motel
slash cemetery
slash 200 dead coalminers.
Amber, get out.
So nice to meet you.
Come on.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Thanks for this lovely spa time.
See you guys later.
Well, scared them off.
Well...
Don't you feel like Kat
could do way better?
Well, it's slim pickings
out here.
You just take what you can get.
Yeah, it's slim pickings
in a clown town
where they smoke
to keep the spirits away
and there's one tiny
pissed off clown?
It kinda reminds me of
that weird story, right,
where that lady has to keep
rebuilding her mansion
to keep that weird spirit happy.
Oh, yeah, yeah. What's...
Winchester Mystery House.
- Ding-ding.
- Thank you, Alex Trebek.
By the way,
I'm fucking hating this dress.
Yeah, I'm gonna cut mine
into like 6,000 pieces.
Hell no. I'm giving mine
to Carlee for her birthday.
That's a good idea.
Wait.
Did you guys just see
what I saw?
Weird rapey cop
who made Amber pee
and Baby Huey both
wearing clown noses?
That would be a "yep."
Yeah, so I think now
we should get Carlee
- and get the fuck out of here.
- Great. Let's do that.
- Yeah.
- And I only tinkled, by the way.
Okay.
Oh, Matthew,
you're so aggressive.
- What's gotten into you?
- Oh, sorry.
Seeing everybody naked
got me kind of excited.
It's okay, baby,
I've heard about this before.
- No!
- Sometimes it just happens.
- Oh, no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- We can try again later...
- No! No!
- No, Daddy, please!
- Please don't hurt him! I love him!
- He's not part of the clan.
- You know that, Kat.
- No, baby!
Matthew:
It's not her fault, sir.
No! Get off!
You're right, Matthew.
It's not her fault.
- It's yours.
- No!
No, Daddy!
All these rules!
All these traditions!
I hate it!
Family knows best.
Daddy's got you, sweetie.
It's gonna be all right, sis.
Jeb?
Jeb?
Hello?
Hello?
Whoa there, lady.
- Where you going?
- There's something... there's...
- There's something in there.
- No, no.
That's, uh, that's just Hank.
It's a doll, you know?
- Keep the bad spirits away.
- Yeah.
- I thought that, um...
- I could tell what you thought.
Get that dirt off
your pretty face.
You know, the shop is
no place for a lady.
Yeah, what's with this town
and clowns and superstitions?
Well, you ever say "bless you"
when someone sneezes?
Yes, I do.
- Why?
- Um...
Actually, I don't know.
Well, it originated from
an ancient superstition.
People thought that evil spirits
would use a sneeze
as an opportunity
to enter a person's body.
"Bless you" to stop it.
Okay, so you're telling me
that the clowns
are part of a superstition?
Yeah.
Really more of a religion here.
It's a way for us to honor the men
that came to this town before us.
They, uh, saved this town
and our grandmothers.
They had the bravery
to take what they want
and save the woman from herself.
So, um, Jeb...
are you telling me
that these clown shoes
that you're wearing
are a part of a religion?
I have one more
question for you.
Do the shoes match
the merchandise?
Only one way to find out.
Ah!
Is it weird that I'm craving
a cigarette right now?
Well, when in Rome...
Uh, yeah, it is actually weird
because nothing
about this is funny.
It's actually scary, so I don't know
how you want a cigarette right now.
I still can't get service.
Can you just... this one time...
Just this one fucking time...
Could you two
just put a lid on it?
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God. Come here, guys.
Do you see this?
Like a really weird car.
Like, it would be cute if it didn't look
like it actually belonged to a circus.
Yeah, it would be cute
if you were ten
and it was your birthday with
a surprise clown theme.
Wait a second.
Whose blood is all over the bat?
How about the fact that they
actually look like clowns right now?
I'm really starting
to hate clowns.
Nobody likes clowns.
Okay, we gotta go.
Let's go.
- Come on you guys.
- Shit.
Oh, Jeb.
You know, Kitty Kat,
we forbid you to be with any boy.
You're the only girl
we have left.
But, Mama, I loved him.
He wasn't evil.
All men are evil.
And they can't be trusted.
That's why we have clowns,
to protect us.
Mama... he cracked
his head like an egg.
It ain't right.
Just because he was an outsider.
He was lovable.
Daddy ain't lovable.
Heed your tongue, young lady!
Those girls are
putting worldly thoughts
into that pretty
little head of yours.
No, Mama.
Please don't hurt them.
I'll be good.
I promise.
I won't do anything bad anymore.
Is that... is that...
Kat, sweetie.
Now you want to take your turn?
Oh, maybe not this time,
baby, but you will.
And when you do,
you'll be one of us.
It's okay, Kitty Kat.
She ain't one of us.
Now you go to bed.
Go on. Git.
And clean this shit up!
It's a perfectly good
piece of ass.
- It's your job.
- Yeah, I'll clean it up, all right.
Myrtle, baby, no.
Cigarettes, they're bad for your health.
My little cupcake.
You still care about me?
Wa... wa... water.
Water.
Can I get some water, please?
See, baby, a good clown
is hard to find,
but they're trainable.
You'll find yours someday.
- On three, you guys, you ready?
- I couldn't see anything.
Guys, I'm sorry, but this whole
Scooby-Doo-mystery-gang thing is over.
We need to be hiding
or getting out of here.
We need to get Carlee.
Are you even listening to me?
Okay, on the count of three,
we're gonna...
Run to that
motel office thing, okay?
We're gonna stall
'em there, all right?
- One, two...
- Shit.
All right, hurry.
Go, go, go.
- What do we do?
- The door doesn't lock.
Move. I got it.
Holy shit.
That was amazing.
- Good job.
- Good job.
- Good job.
- Total hero status.
- Let's get out of here.
- Take that, you fucking clown fuck!
- Yes! Yes!
- We did it.
- Let's go get Carlee, okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Let go!
Let her go!
Let her go!
No! Let her go!
- No! Stop!
- Bitch!
Are you okay?
Guys, we've gotta go!
We've gotta go!
How much do I owe you
for the wheel?
Let's just say we call it even.
Hardly fair.
But thank you.
You're adorable.
Thanks for the ride,
and the souvenir.
- Ah, shit!
- No.
Fuck!
Shh. I don't see them.
Okay.
- Yeah, I think we lost them.
- I think I broke my leg!
- What the...
- I think I broke my leg!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
What the fuck? Here.
- Oh, God.
- Nicole, go, please...
- Just go... Go get some help, please, now.
- What the fuck?
- Go get help. I'm gonna be fine.
- I don't wanna leave you.
- I'm not gonna leave you with this.
- I will be fine.
Go get help now.
I'm not gonna fucking
leave you like this.
- Oh, God.
- I got it.
- Go get the rest of the outsiders.
- Yeah.
Kat?
It's judgement time!
Hear-ye! Hear-ye!
The Great One will decide
if she is guilty or innocent.
Bring one, bring all!
It'll be a night of entertainment
for the whole family!
Never a dull moment!
Ha ha!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Cigars!
Cigarettes!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Yeah!
Order!
Order in this court!
So let's get this party started!
Burn, baby!
Tonight, we come in judgment
of this outsider.
This outsider!
Burn, baby, burn!
If... if she's found guilty,
she drops...
in this vat of acid.
But...
if she's found innocent,
she's set free.
Come one and come all,
and let the Great One make
the judge of the decision.
Now, Kat...
I would like you to get
these proceedings started.
Kat! Kat!
I don't wanna be the first one.
That's
the beauty about it, Kitty Kat.
You ain't need to be
making no decisions.
That's up the Great One
before us.
Only he can decide whether
she's innocent and spare her.
- You're right, Mom.
- Kat, let's see it.
Make your daddy proud, Kat.
Silence!
Ah, yes.
Now, make Daddy proud, Kat.
Keep your eye on the prize.
Silence her!
- Kat!
- Yes, Daddy?
That better not
have been on purpose.
Mm-mm.
The Great One will
be very upset with you.
No, Daddy, I-I really tried.
Okay, jury, let's line up
for the judgment.
And in the meantime...
for your entertainment,
yes...
I'll deal with you later.
Yeah!
You can do it!
Come on!
Yes, get a pitch.
Come on, Ace.
She might be innocent.
No!
I hear your anger.
I feel your anger.
The outsiders, they come to
our town and they laugh at us.
They come to our town and they
pretend they have an accident,
and they take what's ours.
And they take our loved ones.
We just want to be
left alone, right?
We want to be left alone!
We want to keep what is ours!
We want to keep our loved ones!
I want no part of
the outsider's world!
- No part!
- That's right!
And I ask you!
I ask you...
why do you outsiders impose
yourself on our world?
Why?! Why?!
Why?! Why?!
Burn her!
Silence!
I am very, very pleased
to be the one to cast
the final stone
that will decide
the outsider's fate.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
I make no decisions.
It is fate's mighty hand
that shall work through me
to decide the outsider's fate.
Do you agree?
One... two...
- Baby, it's on you.
- Three!
Burn!
Burn!
Burn, baby, burn!
Nicole.
Nicole, are you there?
Mia, Nicole, you guys here?
Holy shit.
What do I do?
Okay.
No...
Sorry.
- Put it back! Put it back!
- What?
If they come back and find me
untied, it'll be worse for me.
It'll be worse for you.
- What are you talking about?
- No, stop! Stop!
- I've gotta get you out of here.
- No, I tried already!
No! Stop!
- This is my home. I'm one of them.
- What?
Stop. You're an outsider.
I'm inside.
Stop it!
- I'm one of them! I'm one of them!
- Shh!
Okay, okay,
I like being tied up, too.
Okay?
Just relax.
Okay.
- Don't try to save him either.
- Who?
Thomas.
The guy looking for his fiancée.
Where?
He never shuts up.
He's over there blubbering.
- What?
- "Carlee. Carlee..."
- What?
- "Come back."
Thomas!
- Carlee.
- Tommy.
I am so sorry, baby.
- Look what they did to you.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I want to marry you.
We gotta get you
out of here first.
- Where's the key?
- I don't know.
The key... I'm gonna go upstairs
and I'm gonna look
for the keys, baby.
Please be careful.
I don't want to lose you again.
I don't want you leaving,
Carlee, please.
I'll be back.
I promise, okay?
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
I promise.
Thank you.
If I was a key,
where would I be?
Man:
Look inside.
This isn't happening.
Carlee!
Mia?
Can you believe this shit?
Fuck!
My God, get down!
Shit.
Hey, freak show!
You looking for me?
Come on!
What the fuck are these clowns?
There you are.
Fucking car!
Where do you think you're going?
My name is Chuckles
and I love jokes.
I got so many
funny ones for you.
I've got a joke for you.
I'll stab you in the neck!
That made him very sad.
Come on, you fucker!
Fuck!
Jeb, are you there?
Jeb!
Shit.
Hey, come back for more?
No. I'm sorry about that.
I really am.
I'm still engaged to get
married and I have a fiancé.
And he's hurt really bad
and I need your help.
You're the only one I can trust.
Yeah, well...
I'm all yours.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
This easy for me.
Perfect.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my fucking God!
Somebody please help me!
Please stop doing this to me!
Please!
I beg of you! Please!
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Kat.
I know it's been
a difficult day for you, Kat.
Don't disappoint us
by missing again.
Daddy, I don't think
I want a turn.
Kat, it's time for you
to join the family.
Daddy, I even let her
borrow my cowboy boots.
She was my friend.
Lookie here.
Do it, Kat.
Join the family, Kat.
- Do it.
- Do it.
Oh, my God, please.
- Come on, Kitty Kat.
- Come on, baby.
Make your daddy proud.
Come on, baby.
Do it, Kat.
Ah, my little girl.
Her first steps
to becoming one of us.
I'm so proud.
Oh!
I love you, little girl.
Daddy's best.
Sorry, babe.
You know how us girls are.
Can't resist
a new pair of shoes.
I can't!
I can't!
I can't! I need more...
I need more time.
You're doing good, baby. Just
bring little Jeb into this world, okay?
I know he's gonna be
just like his daddy.
Doing good.
Calm down.
We need another push.
We need one more push.
- One more big push, Carlee.
- Breathe, breathe.
It looks like
you have a beautiful baby girl.
You did good.
You did good.
Congratulations.
She looks just like her daddy.
Mm.
Woman!
Bring me another beer.
Coming.
What's taking so long, woman?
A woman's place
is always in the kitchen.
Salisbury steak, my favorite.
- Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
- Wow.
Honey, look.
Oh, my God.
- Can we go home?
- No.
What do you mean "go
home"? We're on vacation.
Wow.
- Look at that.
- Hey, Danny, look at this. Look it.
- Honk honk.
- It's awesome.
- I love this place.
- Aren't these funny?
- Honey, this is awesome.
- I love it. Yeah.
Good morning.
Welcome to the world's famous
Clown Inn.
Thank you.
We're so excited to be here.
This place is amazing.
Yes, we buy everything
that has to do with clowns.
Yes.
Good thing we
got a flat tire before we
got to this town or
we would've missed it.
It's so serendipitous
that we ended up here.
Yes.
We love clowns.
Oh, look.
Look at her shoes.
Oh, wow. Look at the shoes.
Oh, my God. Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here, here, here.
Ready?
Hold on one second.
Okay.
- We brought our own clown noses.
- Ta-da!
Come on.
This is so awesome.
That's so nice.
You guys are going
to love this place.
It's like you've died and
gone to clown heaven.
Yes.
- Awesome.
- I got you a nice room with a view.
Oh, Tommy bear.
Hey, darling.
Would you show this
lovely couple to their room?
I gave them suite 13.
I'd love to.
Oh, you brought a child.
Yeah. Chad.
- He really loves clowns.
- No, I don't.
I'd love to help you
with your bags.
Oh, yes, please.
Thank you so much.
Everyone is so nice here.
- Mom, can we go home?
- No, we're gonna have fun.
My mama always said,
"Any man can be trained."
Isn't that right, honey?
Yes, dear.
Follow me.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Come on.
- No, I don't like it here.
It's good.
It'll be fine. Shh.
Just follow him.
We'll have a great time.
Captioned by Post Haste Digital
with the outsiders?
She was a fan of the show.
She liked the act.
Wanted to see my grand finale.
Eh, he's a drunk. He won't
remember anything in the morning.
Oh, I'll remember,
you dried-up cunt.
I remember everything.
I still use my head.
That's the problem.
You keep using the wrong
goddamn head!
Bah!
Baby, it's okay.
A man has to release
his manhood sometimes.
He's just doing
what he's built to do.
He's feeding his ancestors.
I don't mind if he goes out
and plays with 'em.
But why does he have to bring
these whores back here?!
We got rules for a reason.
And, you know what?
If we're gonna influence
the others,
we need to
keep them here with us.
We got to keep this all quiet.
Baby, am I sensing a little
of the green-eyed monster?
Don't you start with me.
- Don't you start with me.
- Is mommy getting jealous?
- Stop that now! You stop that!
- Mama's getting jealous.
- Mama's getting jealous.
- I'm not one of those whores!
- Now knock it off!
- Whore?!
Where's there a whore? Let me at her.
I think we have
a little visitor.
- Uncle Joey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry.
I had a bad dream.
And then I heard
someone screaming.
So I came downstairs.
Kat, what did we tell you
about coming down here?
Oh, leave her alone.
She ain't hurting no one.
Look at her.
She's just a little kid.
You kinky little man.
Who's that?
Uh... This, Kat,
this is an outsider.
What the fuck, baby, Joey?
Un-fucking-tie me!
Uh...
And this, Kat...
this...
This is what we do to outsiders.
Hey, no, no!
Not in front of Kat!
No, no!
Give her to me.
Give her to me. Watch.
Well, I almost died.
How the hell should I know?
Of course I'm okay.
How the fuck would I be
calling if I wasn't okay?
No, I'm not gonna
fucking calm down, okay?!
I'm stranded in
the middle of nowhere.
I practically almost died.
This guy came out of nowhere
and I didn't hit him.
That's why I'm in
this predicament.
It's raining and it's
fucking pitch-black out.
No, I'm gonna stay
strapped in until help comes.
What happened to the guy?
How the hell should I know?
He was here one second
and gone the next.
I can't see a goddamn thing
in this weather.
Shh. Did you hear that?
Oh, my... No!
I'm okay. I'm just wet.
Hello?
Oh, god damn it!
Fuck! Oh, my God!
Is someone there?
Creepy.
Not a scratch.
I'm a fucking rock star.
Did you move on me?
Typical.
God, I could really use a drink.
And, of course, there's
no minibar in the funhouse.
God, I love me!
Oh, yes.
Now that I've had
this life-changing event,
I'm so over you, Ryan.
But you're still buying me
that brand-new car.
That's what you get,
you little perv!
Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.
Oh, my gosh! There she is,
our princess!
And you're just in time.
Actually, you're like
three chapters too late,
- but you do look like a princess.
- Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
That dress looks
perfect on all of you.
- You're so beautiful.
- Yes, she is.
She's the future Mrs. Ferguson.
- Aw!
- Hey, baby.
You look just like
James Bond in that suit.
Why thank you, my darling.
I thought you ran off on me.
Not in a million years,
Tommy bear.
Okay.
We are reunited
and it feels so good.
But the thrill of flirting with
old minister is wearing thin,
and unless Tommy bear over here
forks over another 50,
let's get the show on the road.
- Mia, it is her wedding day, okay?
- Ow.
I'm saying, be a little
more sacred, that's all.
There is a drive-thru at
the back of the building.
See? That's why
I don't understand.
Why'd you make her the
maid of honor? I'm just saying.
- Oh, my God!
- I'm just saying.
Here we go.
Oh, my God. What, Nicole?
Nothing. I'm Switzerland.
- What does that even mean?
- It means she's neutral.
That doesn't even
make any sense.
You either agree or you
disagree. Can you shut up?
Remember we said that
we weren't going to do this?
Babe?
- What?
- Yeah, uh, hey.
Well, I actually told Carlee that she
shouldn't even have invited you guys.
- Thomas.
- Wow.
What?
No, no, no, no.
I mean, okay, so here
we have the slutty one.
- Wow.
- And over there
we have the nerdy kinda
bangable girl with the glasses,
which I kinda like.
But, you, oh, you...
No, no, no.
- You are the needy, desperate girl.
- Stop.
- Hey, but you're all equally annoying.
- Oh, my God.
And after today,
we're going to be married,
and we don't need you bitches.
- Whoa.
- Damn.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Unless one of you beautiful,
fine ladies would like to have
dinner with me this evening.
Have you both lost your mind?
And could you quit
calling them "bitches"?
- Jesus. Sorry.
- What?
You said we're not
gonna do this anymore.
Okay, what I meant was,
we're not going to keep fighting...
The girls aren't, and... Okay!
The slutty one thinks it's cool.
Let's just get you two married.
- Great.
- Well, I have an idea.
No, shut up.
Hello? Remember me?
- Sorry.
- Thanks.
This reminds me of the proverb:
"A slip of the foot,
you may recover,"
but a slip of the tongue,
"never, never."
Okay, that's not the Bible.
That's Benjamin Franklin.
Honey, I'm trying, okay?
And, you, ID?
- Shit.
- No ID, no certificate.
I left it in the car, babe.
I'm sorry.
I'll go get it, okay?
Just relax, babe.
Okay, we're fine, right, girls?
I'm sorry.
It's okay, I'll get it.
Just relax. I'll be back.
- Relax, huh.
- Okay.
- We're good, right, girls?
- Yeah.
Okay, I love you.
We're getting married.
Okay, Miles,
can you just go get your...
Thanks, babe.
Sorry.
You're getting married!
Son of a bitch.
Friends, we are gathered
here on this serious occasion
to celebrate the union of two
souls coming together
forever as one
for all of eternity.
The scriptures tell us
that love come forth
like sunshine after the rain.
Not the Bible.
That's Shakespeare.
Hello?
Let's just get to it, okay?
Do you, Carlee,
take Thomas to be your husband,
to love and cherish for
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And how about you, Thomas,
do you take Carlee
to be your wife for as long
as you both shall live?
No.
Not today.
Not ever.
Come on, man.
Stop playing.
Stop playing.
Did you fucking cheat
on me last night?
No. I...
Well, yeah, but...
You said we had a pass.
A fucking pass?!
I should've known you're just
like your slutty friends.
Stop calling them that. I mean,
you're gonna laugh when I tell you.
- It's...
- Really, Carlee, I'm gonna laugh?
You're hurtful.
After everything
I have done for you,
you are ungrateful.
No, baby, it's not like that.
- I've put up with this shit long enough.
- You don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
Yes, yes I do.
We're done.
This is it forever.
I never want to see you again.
And when you get back,
all your shit will be on the street.
No, baby.
What was I thinking
getting married to you?
I have this dress
and all my friends...
Just fucking leave.
No.
Just fucking leave.
Hey, you know what? Come here.
You don't deserve this.
Let's go. Come on. Come on.
It's okay. It's okay.
You know what? Super
grateful this is fucking over!
And take your slutty friend with you,
please.
Fuck you.
That's mean.
That didn't go very well.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to be judgy,
but, I mean just wondering,
like, why would you cheat
the night before your wedding?
- Come on.
- Seriously?
Yeah, I'm gonna
stay out of this.
Yeah, of course you would.
I didn't cheat, okay?
Okay, well, not technically.
Sorry it didn't work out.
If you guys make up,
I'll do it next time for half price.
Yeah.
I just don't think
that's gonna happen.
Look, man, there's a lot of
hot bitches out here.
Let's just hit up
a strip club and get drunk.
We're in Sin City, baby.
Shit.
I still have her phone.
Yo, don't look at it.
He's gonna send a dick pic.
What? No, no.
Here, you take it.
Mm.
Not bad. I like it.
Hey, I got no problem.
My uncle's that way.
You guys should see this.
Fantastic.
I got a question.
Uh, do you think it
looks like he would be...
bigger than me?
Not that I'm worried
or anything.
Bigger than these?
Oh, shit.
Question number two, then,
and let's be honest.
Why was I the only one not
invited to the bachelorette, then?
Because, Amber,
we knew how you'd be.
Oh, and how is that?
All right, I love you, Amber,
but if Mia would've told you
that we invited a stripper
to the bachelorette party,
you would've freaked.
- Fair?
- No.
I think I would've
been cool with it.
What?
No, I can't even
stay quiet on that one.
Really?
You know what?
You guys are bitches.
Fine, okay?
Yes, I think it's a little weird
that you had a stripper
at your bachelorette party.
I mean, I've never
even met a stripper.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
I actually love you.
You know what?
Shut up.
Fine, okay, tell me.
Like, what's she even like?
It's a girl.
She was with a girl last night.
Wow.
Your girl just got hotter.
- Right?
- Damn.
Hey, that's my fiancée
you're talking about.
God, I'm so stupid.
Mia told me she was gonna
hire a stripper last night.
Big cans, just like I like 'em.
- Mm-hmm.
- Big titties.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Okay. All right.
So you're telling me,
just so I got this straight,
that you weren't cheating...
You were having a fun romp
with a stripper the night
before the wedding.
Okay, first of all, one,
she wasn't exactly a stripper.
I would call her
an adult entertainer.
- Oh, please.
- What?
That's what
the business card said.
Two, Thomas and I
have an agreement
that it's not considered
cheating if it's with a chick.
Wow.
What planet is this?
To quote the scriptures,
you win some, you lose some.
Obviously you never read
a Bible before.
All right, you got me.
I just wanted
to stay in character.
And, you know, you got
your money's worth.
That's Vegas.
We gotta go get her back.
We don't even know
where they went.
I don't care.
We gotta get her back.
There's only one road
out of Vegas, okay?
It can't be that difficult.
Road trip.
Yes!
Oh, no. Not you.
Okay, so if you and Thomas
have this great setup,
you've been together
for seven years,
why do you even
need to get married?
I don't know.
'Cause I can't imagine
a future without him.
- Ugh.
- See?
Because he's Tommy bear.
God, he was such a dick.
I can't even imagine
talking to him.
That's good, because
you don't have your phone.
Fuck.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway,
because we don't have any service.
I've been checking
since we've left. Trust me.
And now we're gonna be stuck
in these ridiculous dresses.
Hey, I love these dresses.
- Thank you, Amber.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what? Let's just get
out of Vegas for a couple hours.
It'll give me time to think,
and there's a great spa
a couple hours
in the middle of the desert.
They'll give us robes.
We won't need our cell phones.
And, um...
Thomas says that he is
really, really sorry.
Well, then shit.
All is forgiven then.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Okay.
Where the fuck are we?
I think I passed it.
Why didn't you wake me up
and ask for directions?
I just... I thought I would
see it along the road.
What the hell was that?
I think I'm seeing things.
What is it?
A... A clown in the middle of
the desert flipping us the bird.
Oh, my God. Honey,
you really need to lay off the shrooms.
Are we there yet, guys?
Uh, no. Mia almost hit a clown,
and we're lost.
Wait, what?
What time is it?
It's dark o'clock.
We are not lost.
And my quick reflexes saved
wildlife from crossing the road.
Yeah. Wildlife.
And we're lost.
Okay, but how can we be lost?
It's literally
a one-way highway.
Morning, sunshine.
Just in time
to start bitching at me.
I can't imagine
why you're single.
Fuck off, Mia.
I'm literally pointing out
that if you used GPS
- like a normal person...
- There's no signal out here.
Well, that's no frickin' bueno.
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Well, we still don't
have service.
Wait. Guys, look.
Okay, it's a motel.
So we could use their phone.
I am not walking over there
in these heels.
Then stay here if you want to.
Okay, I'm coming.
Hey, I thought
we were on a truce.
I'm sorry.
How's your head?
It hurts.
Of all the motels
in all the world,
we just happen to break down in
front of the creepiest motel ever.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, who even builds a creepy
motel in the middle of nowhere
besides a deranged lunatic?
Guys, it's not creepy.
It's kinda kitschy.
I'm pretty terrified.
Gonna be okay.
It's just a weird motel
in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, thanks.
That helps.
We all float down here.
Stop!
Shh.
- Oh, careful.
- Can't believe we're going
in the clown motel...
Okay, wow.
Wow.
Holy shit.
This is so cool.
Um, I'm scared.
What do you ladies expect
from a Clown Inn?
Hello.
Hello!
Great, that's exactly
what you'd say
before someone comes in
and brutally murders us all.
- I heard you the first time!
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
- No need to get your panties in a bunch.
Now, what can I do for you?
Just, uh, we'd, uh,
love to check into
your love... lovely inn.
Fine.
Great.
What the fuck was that?
I know, right?
Where'd she go?
I don't know.
Okay.
Quit it. Stop it.
Another dead soldier.
I got you, homie.
Yo, how far
are we gonna drive, man?
They probably already
headed back to Vegas
where we should be finding
new bitches.
No. We would have passed them
if they were going
the opposite direction.
Look, I gotta find her, okay?
I gotta find her.
I would never forgive myself
if I didn't.
All right, chill out.
We'll find 'em.
Hey. Thanks.
Thanks for being there.
God, I just don't know how
things got so fucked up, man.
Because bitches are crazy.
For real. I mean, I'm down with
the hashtag "me too" and all,
but bitches
are really fucking crazy.
What do you know about "me too"?
Oh, I know.
I bet you know.
What the fuck?
Oh, my...
- What is that?
- Shit, man.
Who is that?
I'm sorry about
the "me too" comment.
Fuck.
Where the fuck is that
music coming from?
That's the question
you're asking me?
Yeah. That shit's creepy.
How about,
why there is a big fucking clown there
with a motherfucking rabbit?
What is he about to do
with that bunny?
Something tells me
we are about to find out.
I don't fuck with clowns, man.
They scare the shit out of me.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Okay...
That's just some
creepy guy, okay?
With fucking makeup on his face.
Relax.
I don't think so.
Oh,
my fucking goodness. Go, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Stop playing, man!
That shit ain't funny.
The car won't start, okay?
Shit. Go! Go!
Come on, man, stop playing!
This shit for real!
Get out of here!
What the fuck, man!
Let's go, let's go!
- Shit!
- What the fuck? Let's go!
Relax.
- Hee hee hee!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
Just go!
The car won't fucking start!
He wants me to roll
the window down.
Let's get out of here!
Come on! Come on!
Where'd he go?
Shit, man, this is just like
one of them horror movies.
And guess who's
the first one to die?
Me!
This ain't a movie, and
you're not gonna die.
Where did he go?
- What is that?
- I don't know.
It's all around us.
You just knocked him out.
Go check! Check!
Is he still down?
Is he still there?!
Fuck, all right. Shit.
- Do you see him?
- I hear something.
Miles, do you hear that? Miles!
Miles? Miles!
Fuck! What the fuck!
Fuck!
We gonna go after him, Tiny?
Nah, let the vultures get him.
Hey, Carlee,
I still don't have service.
Will you see
if they have any Wi-Fi?
Okay, but I highly doubt it.
Excuse me,
do you have any Wi-Fi?
Excuse me,
do you have any Wi-Fi?
Why yes, yes we do.
I have to get my daughter
to turn it on, she's a wiz
at that um... um, um...
That computer stuff.
You kids these days, you just
think you know everything.
So, um...
Um, so, what do you girls
think of this place?
I think it's kind of creepy.
And Myrtle over there is one
taco short of a combination plate.
But I think we should
stay the night.
Yeah, she's been
hitting the sauce,
I can smell it on her breath.
Of course.
I'd be drunk every
day if I was living here.
True.
Um, hello?
I vote we don't stay.
I think it's really scary.
I think we should call an
Uber and get out of here.
Babe, this place is harmless.
I'll protect you from anything that
tries to get near your panties tonight.
But FYI,
Uber's not gonna drive all the way out here
- just to pick us up.
- True.
Oh, but Carlee,
you could call Thomas.
Just saying.
Okay, new plan.
We stay here...
for the night,
and then we get the car
fixed in the morning,
and we let everything
kind of blow over.
Besides, you guys will get
your money out of your dresses.
Yeah, 'cause they're so comfy.
Yeah, well, it's dark.
It's the logical thing to do.
Yeah. Think of it
as an adventure.
Okay.
We're gonna laugh about this
when we're older.
We are older.
Hi, I'm Kat. My mom tells me
you want to use the Wi-Fi.
- Oh, good.
- I just turned it back on.
We don't like to keep it on
at night 'cause some customers
like to surf porn.
Porn is a sin!
People fornicatin'
so others can watch.
It's punishable.
Punishable!
- Oh.
- Wow.
I hear you want two rooms?
Yeah. Two rooms, two beds.
Sure. I'll put you
right next to each other.
Thanks.
Uh...
Uh, okay. Let's go.
Your rooms are upstairs
and around the corner.
All right.
Sleep tight.
Thanks, Kat.
Oh, my God.
These beds are made
for small people.
Oh. There must be
a mix-up in the room.
These beds are for little kids.
This is ridiculous!
They gave us clown beds.
Oh,
my God. They gave you guys the same thing.
Gross.
Gross.
- This is bullshit.
- Yeah!
I am going to smoke.
You in?
No, no, no, no, no.
Guys, I'm really tired. Honesty,
today's been really scary.
I'm gonna go to bed,
and I'm really hoping when I wake up,
this whole nightmare's over.
This is scary.
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight.
Well, I'm going to take a bath
because we missed the spa.
Just to have a little sex session,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, yeah.
You, you're up.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be down in a
bit. I'm just trying to find service.
I just haven't got it yet.
Don't go on any porn.
You don't want Myrtle
the turtle to see.
Myrtle the turtle.
Bye!
Ah. This is actually
super comfortable.
Mm.
Thomas would love this.
Mia?
Mia Pia?
Amber?
Amber?
Oh, my God.
Dude, your face!
I'm so sorry.
Not funny.
I was looking for reception in
the room and I still couldn't find it.
You scared the shit out of me.
I was trying to have a nice
moment out here. Fuck.
Oh, yeah, I love cemeteries too.
I'm talking about
the stars, dumb-ass.
Fucking stars.
Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Yeah, that's what freaks me out.
Aren't you just
like a little curious
about what goes on
on the other side?
No, Nicole I'm not.
Fuck.
Thanks, girl.
Hey!
There's something out there.
Hello?
What are you doing out here?
Oh, I'm just having a smoke.
Is that what I think it is?
Uh, yeah.
Is that okay?
Yes. Can I?
Yeah! Here,
take the whole thing.
Oh, I just want a drag.
No, trust me,
there's plenty where that came from.
Are you one of those
runaway brides?
Yeah... How...
The dress. Yeah.
No, I'm just an idiot.
He was gonna marry you?
Yeah.
So it was serious?
You know, I was late
for my own wedding.
I just left him standing
there at the altar.
I should have stayed
and like, fought for him.
Well, you're gonna need
a new dress now, though.
It's still the prettiest
dress I've ever seen.
Thanks. I got it for
50 bucks at Goodwill.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I'm like
a bargain shopper.
Just like my momma.
She's a coupon cutter
and a bargain bin picker.
Yeah, my mom too.
That must have been
where I got it from.
She died
when I was a kid though.
Oh, that's... that's too bad.
Yeah. Fuckin' life.
Must be pretty boring
for you out here.
You're so pretty.
You got a boyfriend?
Well, no.
I'm not allowed to talk to them.
My parents say boys are bad.
I like them though.
You're kidding?
Shit, so...
you're telling me you've
never been with a boy?
Have you... been...
with your boy?
Yeah, I've been with him
and a couple other boys,
and some girls, too.
I wish I was more like you.
Yeah?
How so?
You just seem so strong
and confident.
Thanks, Kat.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
God, I don't
feel like that lately.
I'll take the compliment.
There is one boy
in this town I like,
but he's too immature.
Oh, yeah?
Well, most boys are.
And you know what?
They don't ever grow up, anyway.
His name is Matthew.
He's been trying
to get with me, but...
I have to keep him
from my parents.
How old are you?
Twenty-four.
Just had my birthday last month.
You're 24 and you've
never been laid?
You're quite the enigma.
You're so innocent.
You wanna do something
fun tomorrow?
- There's a hot springs close by.
- Yeah?
Yeah, you know what?
That's perfect.
Actually, you know,
that's what the girls
and I were gonna do,
is go to a spa before
we ended up in this dump.
Okay, no offense, but...
Yeah, that'd be cool.
- I'll tell 'em.
- I can take you guys.
Matthew's gonna be there, too.
Ah-ha. All right,
I can see why you'd be there.
You know...
you're smart.
You know,
I gotta hit the hay.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night.
- Here.
- Thanks again for this.
Yeah, no problem.
- Night!
- Good night.
Car?
Is that you, babe?
Mm. Sure was a long smoke break.
What the fuck?
Hey, Mia!
Wake up!
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Here, I got you.
Oh, my God, you almost drowned.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Wow, I just had
the worst nightmare.
Yeah.
These clowns were
trying to drown me.
Wow, okay.
Yeah. Holy shit.
That was so real.
I think it's just all these
clown pictures in this place.
God, get me out of this tub.
Okay.
I know what you'd say, Miles,
I know what you'd say:
"You're gonna get those
motherfuckers, right?"
I'm supposed to...
I'm supposed to
be getting married.
The fucking clowns!
I'm sorry, Miles.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm fucking sorry.
How the fuck am I here?
Fuck.
You wanna fuck with me?!
All right, all right.
All right, Miles.
I'm gonna do this for you,
buddy.
This is for you.
This is for you.
You fuckers!
Come on, do it!
Yeah...
You must be willing to sacrifice
for the brotherhood.
- Through it, hey?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey!
Fucking liar!
I seen you, man.
- I was...
- I'd do it all for the brotherhood.
- Let's spin.
- Uh-huh.
Whoa-ho.
You shut up!
I ain't afraid.
Come on!
Fucker's gonna
shoot himself. Fuck!
This is for you, Miles.
Stupid clowns!
You guys are... crazy.
This is for Miles!
He didn't deserve to die!
And this is just
for that rabbit!
Whoa! Oh!
Ahh!
So, who are you?
I take it you're
the big stupid clown?
Oh!
Shit!
You got spunk, kid,
got to give you that.
Don't you worry about
that little bunny.
I got another bunny
in mind for you.
You boys. You fuckers!
You're as useless
as tits on a bull!
Now, get him inside!
Now!
Fuck.
God, for a population
of fucking 5,
there sure is a lot of
noise in the morning.
Fuck.
- What is wrong?
- My purse!
- What?
- Oh, fuck.
Where's my fucking keys?
Did you forget that
I drove last night?
Apparently.
Nice ass.
Thanks.
Hey, what are you doing?
That's my car!
- Found it on the side of the road.
- Yeah!
Thought the owner might be here.
Yeah, well, we gotta
get back on the road.
We gotta go.
Hello?
If you lookie here,
your rim's all beat up,
and you ain't got a spare,
so I got to get you another one.
Yeah! Hey...
Yeah, that makes sense.
Sorry. I'm just...
Yeah, um, what did you say
your name was?
Jebediah. But my friends
call me Jeb.
So does that make us
friends now, Jeb?
Well, sure.
So, uh, how long do you
think it's gonna take
to get the car going?
Out here, no telling.
I gotta go to the junkyard,
find you a matching wheel.
So, where's your shop, Jeb?
Shop is just over yonder.
Right over there.
- Cool.
- That's a nice dress you have there.
Oh, thanks... Jeb.
You wait at the hotel,
I'll let you know when it's ready.
All right.
Bye.
Ooh!
You ready for spa day?
Jeez, can't you wait,
Tits McGee?
Whatever, it covers
the same as a bikini.
- I told her, I did.
- She did.
Okay, what is going on
with the car?
Bad news, it needs a rim.
Good news is,
I found out who's gonna
give me my next rim job.
- Oh, my God.
- Um, ew.
- Oh, my God...
- Of course you did.
Does this mean you're gonna
bail on us for our spa day?
- Yeah.
- No.
Whoa... Hello! Whoa.
What do they say?
Oh, and I have these.
You're like the cutest
little human ever.
- Thank you, darling.
- Yeah, thank you.
Now you almost look
like you belong.
Except for the clown noses.
- Shut up.
- Thank you, Kat.
Thanks, Kat.
Are we ready to party?
In the spa?
- Let's go!
- Yeah.
- You know what, guys?
- What?
This is, like, really fun.
Oh, my God, Ambular
is actually having fun?
Alert the media!
You know, I'm gonna take your
fun and I'm gonna one-up you,
because I've been wearing
this dress for so long,
I'm actually
starting to like it.
Yeah, that's Kat's fault,
because she gave us these cowboy boots
and they make all
the dresses look perfect.
True!
This is my favorite
day ever, guys.
I want you to keep
the boots as a present.
No, we can't do that.
Yes, you can, shoes are my
thing, I collect 'em.
I have, like, 50 pairs.
I love you so much. You
know what? I love you so much
that in fact, we are
going to wear these boots
when I marry my new crush.
And you're gonna be
in the wedding.
Okay, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let you marry
a tow truck driver.
Have you seen how
fucking hot he is, though?
I agree with you, actually.
I know!
You know what, guys?
- What is she doing?
- My name is Amber.
And from this day forward,
I will no longer be
so uptight.
I mean, you're not even
gonna recognize me...
- Amber?
- Amber!
Shh! I'm feeling myself
right now.
I'm gonna be so crazy,
in fact...
Whoo!
Old Amber's dead!
You girls aren't
from around here.
It's kind of obvious, isn't it?
It's obvious we have
a situation of public indecency.
Jesus.
Hi, Officer O'M...
Is there something we
can help you with, Officer?
You can.
Your friend's gonna need
some toilet paper.
Huh, Captain?
Ain't that right?
Pissing all over the street.
Enough, Goodspeed.
Surprised to see you here.
Sorry, Officer O'Malley.
Just showing 'em Salt's Creek,
that's all.
Just us silly girls
having some fun.
No harm intended.
This is bullshit.
Well, Katie, if you
hang around with clowns,
don't be surprised
if your life becomes a circus.
Sorry to scare you girls,
but we have a duty
to serve and protect.
There's a lot of
unsavory people around here.
So keep your panties on.
Don't mind him.
He's got a sick sense of humor.
Come on, Goodspeed.
Boys will be boys.
Ladies.
I'm sorry.
Fucking cops.
Pigs.
Screw them. We'll run
around naked if we want to!
Tell us how to live?
What to do with these?
You know what?
I'm gonna write a review.
Ah, this is amazing, Kat.
Best-kept secret in Tonopah.
Yeah, this is way better
than a real spa.
Yeah, who needs Botox anyway
when you have
a natural mud bath?
Okay, guys, I need a hug.
- No. No.
- No.
- Carlee?
- Screw off.
- Come on. Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
- No!
What?
Show your face!
Get out here, pervert!
Ew! Why are you staring at us?
Oh, no, ma'am.
I-I just didn't know what to do
when I saw y'all naked.
First of all,
not all of us are naked.
It's okay,
it's okay. He's my friend.
- I invited him here.
- Hi, Kat.
Hi.
- That's Matthew.
- Oh, this is her boyfriend.
Okay.
I wasn't expecting you
for another few hours.
I'm sorry.
I finished my chores early
and came right over.
That's okay.
I'm glad you're early.
These are my friends.
- They're staying at the Clown Inn.
- Hi.
Kat:
I'm just showing them around.
Y'all, uh, y'all like it there?
Where?
Oh, the Clown Inn. You know,
with all the smoking and stuff?
Yeah, you sure do like
your clowns around here.
What's with that stuff anyway?
Oh, it's just all
urban legends and stuff.
Your mom was always saying
it's more than just that.
Well, she's always saying a lot.
- For God's sake, just spill.
- Yeah.
That motel was built
on a cemetery.
Which was the final
resting place
of the Loretta
coalminer's plague.
200 souls.
All of the buried in
that there cemetery.
The carnies came in and there
were these circus clowns, right?
And they were marrying all the women
of the dead, you know, coalminers.
It's okay.
What are we gonna do?
He was everything to us.
So many men have died.
- We are cursed.
- No, we're not. It's okay.
We have each other.
- Betsy, who are those men?
- I don't know.
- Stop it. Who are you?
- No. Stop.
Stop.
Stay away from my sister.
Hey! You better leave
those women alone.
No! No!
No!
Betsy, run! No!
Get off of her!
Betsy, run!
No!
Some people believe
if you stop catering
to their ancestors,
the clowns,
boy, they say they sure did
love their booze,
cigarettes,
and all the clown nonsense.
Oh, oh, and the women.
Ooh.
Lots and lots of women.
And if you ever broke
the code of the clown,
you'll come down
with a painful death.
If you haven't noticed,
a lot of smokers
and drinkers in this town.
Ain't much else to do.
It became almost like
some weird religion.
Then the whole thing
got real cult like.
And now since that outsider
killed Tiny Clown's twin,
he and Big Clown ain't ever
- remove their clown make-up.
- Okay, Matthew, that's enough.
They don't need
to hear any more.
I thought you said
they were your friends,
not outsiders.
On that note,
I'm out of here.
Good to meet you, Matthew.
Yeah, um, I'm gonna, too.
Sorry. Bye.
Where are they going?
Okay, yeah, let's split, too,
'cause I'm starving.
No, no, no, no, no.
I wanna stay in the grotto.
There's no way I'm going back
to that clown motel
slash cemetery
slash 200 dead coalminers.
Amber, get out.
So nice to meet you.
Come on.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Thanks for this lovely spa time.
See you guys later.
Well, scared them off.
Well...
Don't you feel like Kat
could do way better?
Well, it's slim pickings
out here.
You just take what you can get.
Yeah, it's slim pickings
in a clown town
where they smoke
to keep the spirits away
and there's one tiny
pissed off clown?
It kinda reminds me of
that weird story, right,
where that lady has to keep
rebuilding her mansion
to keep that weird spirit happy.
Oh, yeah, yeah. What's...
Winchester Mystery House.
- Ding-ding.
- Thank you, Alex Trebek.
By the way,
I'm fucking hating this dress.
Yeah, I'm gonna cut mine
into like 6,000 pieces.
Hell no. I'm giving mine
to Carlee for her birthday.
That's a good idea.
Wait.
Did you guys just see
what I saw?
Weird rapey cop
who made Amber pee
and Baby Huey both
wearing clown noses?
That would be a "yep."
Yeah, so I think now
we should get Carlee
- and get the fuck out of here.
- Great. Let's do that.
- Yeah.
- And I only tinkled, by the way.
Okay.
Oh, Matthew,
you're so aggressive.
- What's gotten into you?
- Oh, sorry.
Seeing everybody naked
got me kind of excited.
It's okay, baby,
I've heard about this before.
- No!
- Sometimes it just happens.
- Oh, no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- We can try again later...
- No! No!
- No, Daddy, please!
- Please don't hurt him! I love him!
- He's not part of the clan.
- You know that, Kat.
- No, baby!
Matthew:
It's not her fault, sir.
No! Get off!
You're right, Matthew.
It's not her fault.
- It's yours.
- No!
No, Daddy!
All these rules!
All these traditions!
I hate it!
Family knows best.
Daddy's got you, sweetie.
It's gonna be all right, sis.
Jeb?
Jeb?
Hello?
Hello?
Whoa there, lady.
- Where you going?
- There's something... there's...
- There's something in there.
- No, no.
That's, uh, that's just Hank.
It's a doll, you know?
- Keep the bad spirits away.
- Yeah.
- I thought that, um...
- I could tell what you thought.
Get that dirt off
your pretty face.
You know, the shop is
no place for a lady.
Yeah, what's with this town
and clowns and superstitions?
Well, you ever say "bless you"
when someone sneezes?
Yes, I do.
- Why?
- Um...
Actually, I don't know.
Well, it originated from
an ancient superstition.
People thought that evil spirits
would use a sneeze
as an opportunity
to enter a person's body.
"Bless you" to stop it.
Okay, so you're telling me
that the clowns
are part of a superstition?
Yeah.
Really more of a religion here.
It's a way for us to honor the men
that came to this town before us.
They, uh, saved this town
and our grandmothers.
They had the bravery
to take what they want
and save the woman from herself.
So, um, Jeb...
are you telling me
that these clown shoes
that you're wearing
are a part of a religion?
I have one more
question for you.
Do the shoes match
the merchandise?
Only one way to find out.
Ah!
Is it weird that I'm craving
a cigarette right now?
Well, when in Rome...
Uh, yeah, it is actually weird
because nothing
about this is funny.
It's actually scary, so I don't know
how you want a cigarette right now.
I still can't get service.
Can you just... this one time...
Just this one fucking time...
Could you two
just put a lid on it?
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God. Come here, guys.
Do you see this?
Like a really weird car.
Like, it would be cute if it didn't look
like it actually belonged to a circus.
Yeah, it would be cute
if you were ten
and it was your birthday with
a surprise clown theme.
Wait a second.
Whose blood is all over the bat?
How about the fact that they
actually look like clowns right now?
I'm really starting
to hate clowns.
Nobody likes clowns.
Okay, we gotta go.
Let's go.
- Come on you guys.
- Shit.
Oh, Jeb.
You know, Kitty Kat,
we forbid you to be with any boy.
You're the only girl
we have left.
But, Mama, I loved him.
He wasn't evil.
All men are evil.
And they can't be trusted.
That's why we have clowns,
to protect us.
Mama... he cracked
his head like an egg.
It ain't right.
Just because he was an outsider.
He was lovable.
Daddy ain't lovable.
Heed your tongue, young lady!
Those girls are
putting worldly thoughts
into that pretty
little head of yours.
No, Mama.
Please don't hurt them.
I'll be good.
I promise.
I won't do anything bad anymore.
Is that... is that...
Kat, sweetie.
Now you want to take your turn?
Oh, maybe not this time,
baby, but you will.
And when you do,
you'll be one of us.
It's okay, Kitty Kat.
She ain't one of us.
Now you go to bed.
Go on. Git.
And clean this shit up!
It's a perfectly good
piece of ass.
- It's your job.
- Yeah, I'll clean it up, all right.
Myrtle, baby, no.
Cigarettes, they're bad for your health.
My little cupcake.
You still care about me?
Wa... wa... water.
Water.
Can I get some water, please?
See, baby, a good clown
is hard to find,
but they're trainable.
You'll find yours someday.
- On three, you guys, you ready?
- I couldn't see anything.
Guys, I'm sorry, but this whole
Scooby-Doo-mystery-gang thing is over.
We need to be hiding
or getting out of here.
We need to get Carlee.
Are you even listening to me?
Okay, on the count of three,
we're gonna...
Run to that
motel office thing, okay?
We're gonna stall
'em there, all right?
- One, two...
- Shit.
All right, hurry.
Go, go, go.
- What do we do?
- The door doesn't lock.
Move. I got it.
Holy shit.
That was amazing.
- Good job.
- Good job.
- Good job.
- Total hero status.
- Let's get out of here.
- Take that, you fucking clown fuck!
- Yes! Yes!
- We did it.
- Let's go get Carlee, okay?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Let go!
Let her go!
Let her go!
No! Let her go!
- No! Stop!
- Bitch!
Are you okay?
Guys, we've gotta go!
We've gotta go!
How much do I owe you
for the wheel?
Let's just say we call it even.
Hardly fair.
But thank you.
You're adorable.
Thanks for the ride,
and the souvenir.
- Ah, shit!
- No.
Fuck!
Shh. I don't see them.
Okay.
- Yeah, I think we lost them.
- I think I broke my leg!
- What the...
- I think I broke my leg!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
What the fuck? Here.
- Oh, God.
- Nicole, go, please...
- Just go... Go get some help, please, now.
- What the fuck?
- Go get help. I'm gonna be fine.
- I don't wanna leave you.
- I'm not gonna leave you with this.
- I will be fine.
Go get help now.
I'm not gonna fucking
leave you like this.
- Oh, God.
- I got it.
- Go get the rest of the outsiders.
- Yeah.
Kat?
It's judgement time!
Hear-ye! Hear-ye!
The Great One will decide
if she is guilty or innocent.
Bring one, bring all!
It'll be a night of entertainment
for the whole family!
Never a dull moment!
Ha ha!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Cigars!
Cigarettes!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Cigars! Cigarettes!
Yeah!
Order!
Order in this court!
So let's get this party started!
Burn, baby!
Tonight, we come in judgment
of this outsider.
This outsider!
Burn, baby, burn!
If... if she's found guilty,
she drops...
in this vat of acid.
But...
if she's found innocent,
she's set free.
Come one and come all,
and let the Great One make
the judge of the decision.
Now, Kat...
I would like you to get
these proceedings started.
Kat! Kat!
I don't wanna be the first one.
That's
the beauty about it, Kitty Kat.
You ain't need to be
making no decisions.
That's up the Great One
before us.
Only he can decide whether
she's innocent and spare her.
- You're right, Mom.
- Kat, let's see it.
Make your daddy proud, Kat.
Silence!
Ah, yes.
Now, make Daddy proud, Kat.
Keep your eye on the prize.
Silence her!
- Kat!
- Yes, Daddy?
That better not
have been on purpose.
Mm-mm.
The Great One will
be very upset with you.
No, Daddy, I-I really tried.
Okay, jury, let's line up
for the judgment.
And in the meantime...
for your entertainment,
yes...
I'll deal with you later.
Yeah!
You can do it!
Come on!
Yes, get a pitch.
Come on, Ace.
She might be innocent.
No!
I hear your anger.
I feel your anger.
The outsiders, they come to
our town and they laugh at us.
They come to our town and they
pretend they have an accident,
and they take what's ours.
And they take our loved ones.
We just want to be
left alone, right?
We want to be left alone!
We want to keep what is ours!
We want to keep our loved ones!
I want no part of
the outsider's world!
- No part!
- That's right!
And I ask you!
I ask you...
why do you outsiders impose
yourself on our world?
Why?! Why?!
Why?! Why?!
Burn her!
Silence!
I am very, very pleased
to be the one to cast
the final stone
that will decide
the outsider's fate.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
I make no decisions.
It is fate's mighty hand
that shall work through me
to decide the outsider's fate.
Do you agree?
One... two...
- Baby, it's on you.
- Three!
Burn!
Burn!
Burn, baby, burn!
Nicole.
Nicole, are you there?
Mia, Nicole, you guys here?
Holy shit.
What do I do?
Okay.
No...
Sorry.
- Put it back! Put it back!
- What?
If they come back and find me
untied, it'll be worse for me.
It'll be worse for you.
- What are you talking about?
- No, stop! Stop!
- I've gotta get you out of here.
- No, I tried already!
No! Stop!
- This is my home. I'm one of them.
- What?
Stop. You're an outsider.
I'm inside.
Stop it!
- I'm one of them! I'm one of them!
- Shh!
Okay, okay,
I like being tied up, too.
Okay?
Just relax.
Okay.
- Don't try to save him either.
- Who?
Thomas.
The guy looking for his fiancée.
Where?
He never shuts up.
He's over there blubbering.
- What?
- "Carlee. Carlee..."
- What?
- "Come back."
Thomas!
- Carlee.
- Tommy.
I am so sorry, baby.
- Look what they did to you.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I want to marry you.
We gotta get you
out of here first.
- Where's the key?
- I don't know.
The key... I'm gonna go upstairs
and I'm gonna look
for the keys, baby.
Please be careful.
I don't want to lose you again.
I don't want you leaving,
Carlee, please.
I'll be back.
I promise, okay?
I love you.
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
I promise.
Thank you.
If I was a key,
where would I be?
Man:
Look inside.
This isn't happening.
Carlee!
Mia?
Can you believe this shit?
Fuck!
My God, get down!
Shit.
Hey, freak show!
You looking for me?
Come on!
What the fuck are these clowns?
There you are.
Fucking car!
Where do you think you're going?
My name is Chuckles
and I love jokes.
I got so many
funny ones for you.
I've got a joke for you.
I'll stab you in the neck!
That made him very sad.
Come on, you fucker!
Fuck!
Jeb, are you there?
Jeb!
Shit.
Hey, come back for more?
No. I'm sorry about that.
I really am.
I'm still engaged to get
married and I have a fiancé.
And he's hurt really bad
and I need your help.
You're the only one I can trust.
Yeah, well...
I'm all yours.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
This easy for me.
Perfect.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my fucking God!
Somebody please help me!
Please stop doing this to me!
Please!
I beg of you! Please!
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Kat.
I know it's been
a difficult day for you, Kat.
Don't disappoint us
by missing again.
Daddy, I don't think
I want a turn.
Kat, it's time for you
to join the family.
Daddy, I even let her
borrow my cowboy boots.
She was my friend.
Lookie here.
Do it, Kat.
Join the family, Kat.
- Do it.
- Do it.
Oh, my God, please.
- Come on, Kitty Kat.
- Come on, baby.
Make your daddy proud.
Come on, baby.
Do it, Kat.
Ah, my little girl.
Her first steps
to becoming one of us.
I'm so proud.
Oh!
I love you, little girl.
Daddy's best.
Sorry, babe.
You know how us girls are.
Can't resist
a new pair of shoes.
I can't!
I can't!
I can't! I need more...
I need more time.
You're doing good, baby. Just
bring little Jeb into this world, okay?
I know he's gonna be
just like his daddy.
Doing good.
Calm down.
We need another push.
We need one more push.
- One more big push, Carlee.
- Breathe, breathe.
It looks like
you have a beautiful baby girl.
You did good.
You did good.
Congratulations.
She looks just like her daddy.
Mm.
Woman!
Bring me another beer.
Coming.
What's taking so long, woman?
A woman's place
is always in the kitchen.
Salisbury steak, my favorite.
- Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
- Wow.
Honey, look.
Oh, my God.
- Can we go home?
- No.
What do you mean "go
home"? We're on vacation.
Wow.
- Look at that.
- Hey, Danny, look at this. Look it.
- Honk honk.
- It's awesome.
- I love this place.
- Aren't these funny?
- Honey, this is awesome.
- I love it. Yeah.
Good morning.
Welcome to the world's famous
Clown Inn.
Thank you.
We're so excited to be here.
This place is amazing.
Yes, we buy everything
that has to do with clowns.
Yes.
Good thing we
got a flat tire before we
got to this town or
we would've missed it.
It's so serendipitous
that we ended up here.
Yes.
We love clowns.
Oh, look.
Look at her shoes.
Oh, wow. Look at the shoes.
Oh, my God. Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Here, here, here.
Ready?
Hold on one second.
Okay.
- We brought our own clown noses.
- Ta-da!
Come on.
This is so awesome.
That's so nice.
You guys are going
to love this place.
It's like you've died and
gone to clown heaven.
Yes.
- Awesome.
- I got you a nice room with a view.
Oh, Tommy bear.
Hey, darling.
Would you show this
lovely couple to their room?
I gave them suite 13.
I'd love to.
Oh, you brought a child.
Yeah. Chad.
- He really loves clowns.
- No, I don't.
I'd love to help you
with your bags.
Oh, yes, please.
Thank you so much.
Everyone is so nice here.
- Mom, can we go home?
- No, we're gonna have fun.
My mama always said,
"Any man can be trained."
Isn't that right, honey?
Yes, dear.
Follow me.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Come on.
- No, I don't like it here.
It's good.
It'll be fine. Shh.
Just follow him.
We'll have a great time.
Captioned by Post Haste Digital