City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold (1994) - full transcript

City Slickers II begins after the death of Curly. It is Mitch Robbins' 40th birthday and the day is going quite well, until he returns home (after a working at the radio station) and finds his brother Glen, the black sheep of the family, on his sofa. Mitch is about to have a nice birthday-night with his wife when he discovers a treasure map of Curly's by chance. Together with Phil (from the first film) and unfortunately also having to put up with Glen, he tries to find the hidden gold of Curly's father in the desert of Arizona instead of attending a meeting in Las Vegas. The adventurous journey reveals many surprises until everything seems to be over when the map gets lost.

(light, shimmering music)

(soaring, dramatic music)

(wistful music)

- Hi, Curly.

Remember me, Mitch Robbins?

I was on your last cattle drive.

Remember, we birthed that calf together?

How ya been?

I'm sorry, that's a stupid thing to say.

I mean, 'cause, you know,
I mean, why get into that?

Why depress you?



Anyway, I think about you a lot.

You changed my whole life.

You were right, cowboy,
one thing, just one thing.

(Mitch shouts)
(eerie music)

- City folk!

(dramatic music)

(Mitch screams)

(dramatic music)

- I buried him alive.

(bright, playful music)

Hello!

(bright, playful music)

(guns bang)

(bright, playful music)



- [Bull] Yes!

(bright, playful music)

(shouting)
(bright, playful music)

(crickets chirp)

(phone buzzes)

- Hi, Ma.

- [Ma] (chuckling) It's
September 8th, 1952.

We were driving back
from your Aunt Marsha's,

my water breaks, your
father jumps the divider

of the Sawmill River Parkway and races

me to Doctor's Hospital,
and at 5:16. (laughs)

Out you came, oh, happy birthday, darling.

I can't believe you're 40. (sobs)

Oh, I'm overcome talking about it.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, boy.

Happy birthday!
- Thanks, how are ya?

- [Dad] Oh, I got a cyst on my testicle.

Here's your mother.

- [Ma] Don't worry, he's fine.

So, how does it feel to be 40?

- Actually, Mom, I feel great.

- [Ma] Why, what's the matter?

- Ma, he's fine, he's never been better.

- [Ma] Oh, you're there, too, hmm?

Hi, Barbara.

Well, listen, you two.

(dog barks)
Leo, Leo!

The dog needs to go out.

Leo!

Oh, he's impossible.

I'm gonna have to have him neutered.

- She means the dog.
(dog barks)

- [Ma] Hey, stop that!

Oh, I've gotta go, he's
peeing on the carpet!

- She means Dad.
(dog barks)

- [Ma] Leo, Leo, Leo!

- Bye, Mom.

- [Ma] Oh, bye, angel, birthday boy, oh.

- Bye!

- Happy birthday, honey.
- Thanks.

- What a nightmare.

- They're your parents.

- Oh, no, no, no, not
them, I had a nightmare.

There was...

But I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't wanna talk about it because today

is my birthday, the big 4-0. (grunts)

And I feel good, I really feel great.

I feel good, yes.

Nurse, nurse, today is my birthday.

I'd like to look at the ocean, please.

Thank you.

I'm 40, and, you know
what, it's to so terrible.

And there's no surprise party, right?

Please, no surprise party.

Because Abe Goodman's wife
threw him a surprise party,

he walked in, they yelled "surprise,"

and he said, "I got a bigger surprise,

"I'm having a heart attack."

- Abe Goodman weighed 400 pounds.

- Yeah, who you telling?

I was a pall bearer.

I helped carry the
camper he was buried in.

- No surprise party, just
dinner and the movies,

you, me, and the kids,
and then both of the kids

are gonna sleep over at my sister's.

And you and I will have the
whole house to ourselves,

all night long.

That's my present to you.

- Can I open my present now?

- Tonight.

- But look, the little man
wants to go to the parade.

- [Barbara] Save your strength.

You'll need it.

- I love it up here.

I'm so glad we moved out of the city.

Morning.

- [Woman] Good morning!

- Work is good.

I'm just not pushing time anymore.

I mean, I'm the boss now, and I like it.

Morning.
- Morning.

- Woo!

You wanna turn back?

Oh, come on, let's go!

Come on, Norman, how you
gonna get into a bathing suit?

I mean, look at you, you weigh 800 pounds,

and don't tell me Thigh Master.

You are so out of shape.

I mean, I'm 40, and you're
one, and look at you.

You're like this big tub
of veal or something.

(Norman lows)
Hey!

Stay in your lane.

Why'd you bump me for, Norman?

I'm the guy who saved your life.

I mean, if it wasn't for
me, you'd be 100 wallets.

(bright music)

♪ WBLM ♪

- Okay, we're back.

I'm Dr. Jeffrey Sanborn.

Emotional pain is as
real as physical pain.

Just because you can't
see a wound on an X-ray

doesn't mean it isn't there.

Remember, I feel your pain.

If you wanna talk to me about
anything, call 555-HELP.

All right, we're on the phone now

with Kenny from New Jersey.

Kenny.

- Hey, Mitch.
- Thanks for waiting.

- [Kenny] That's all right.

- Now, Kenny, you were telling me

that you get extremely depressed at night.

- [Kenny] Well, that's when the clothes

in my closet come alive.

- Excuse me?

- [Kenny] Well, not really.

It's just, nighttime is when
I'm alone, and my mind just-

- I understand.

- [Kenny] I pretend they're
friends who come over.

- Are these men's clothes
or women's clothes?

- [Kenny] No, I don't
have women's clothes.

They're all men's clothes.

- None at all.
- None.

- Oh, Mitch.

- Hi, Lois, don't forget we have

a big sales meeting in 10 minutes.

- I want to talk to you about Phil.

- I know.

- Nobody said anything
when you gave your friend

your old job even though he
never had a day's experience

in radio or sales-

- I know.

- Because you're the boss, but you said

you were going to let
him go two months ago.

- I know.

- He's costing the station money.

- It takes a while.

Look, he's in his office
now, he'd trying his best.

He's been through a tough time.

He's getting cleaned out in his divorce.

He's just down right now.

- Then why are you are taking him

to the convention in Las Vegas?

They'll charge you for excess baggage.

You can't keep putting this off.

- Lois, today is my birthday.

Do you know what your present to me is?

- Not to talk to you about this anymore?

- Thank you, it's just what I wanted!

(Lois grunts)

(Mitch grunts)

- [Jeffrey] Okay, we're back
now with Kenny from New Jersey.

Kenny, the women that you meet,

do they say things that make
you feel they don't like you?

- Well, it's not anything that they say.

It's just an overall
feeling I get that they're.

- [Jeffrey] Mm hmm, what,
Kenny, what do you get?

Are you there, Kenny?

- Oh, I.

- [Jeffrey] Kenny, are you all right?

Are the clothes in your
closet coming to life?

Kenny?

What's happening?

- Wrong number.

- [Jeffrey] Kenny, speak to me.

- Kenny has to go.

He's cooking breakfast for his underwear.

- [Jeffrey] Who is this?

- I'm a pair of his socks.

You're calling the station psychiatrist

when you're supposed to be working?

- Well, it's free.

Do you know what psychiatry costs?

Anyway, this guy is helping me.

- Helping you?

Phil, last year, this guy
was doing our traffic reports

from a helicopter, and,
if this doesn't work,

he's gonna be the movie critic.

What's going on?

You were doing so much better.

- I'm thinking of going back with Arlene.

- What, are you serious?

- I'm not even sure she'd take me back,

but maybe if I could talk-
- Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil,

think about what you're saying.

Going back to Arlene is like
breaking back into Alcatraz.

I mean, you were miserable with Arlene.

- Yeah, but I wasn't lonely.

- Why don't you come home with me tonight?

It's my birthday, we're gonna go out.

- Oh, I forgot it's your birthday!

- Don't worry about it.

You just come with me,
but you can't sleep over

because Barbara and I, you can't.

- [Phil] That's okay.

- And then this weekend
we're going to Vegas.

That'll be fun.

- Yeah.

- Ooh, boy, listen, we've got
a big meeting, so come on.

- Boy, thank God I've got
this job to go to every day

or I'd really go crazy.

- Yeah.

Good morning, everybody.

- [Everybody] Good morning.

- What's with the champagne,
what are we celebrating?

- We're celebrating two things.

First, today happens
to be my 40th birthday.

(clapping)

And, secondly, and maybe more importantly,

in about one minute,
George Lattan is gonna call

to inform us officially that we are now

the new New York affiliate
for the Jerry Jackson Show.

(clapping)

- Wow, that show's a goldmine.

- It sure is, and,
naturally, I had to clear

the six to 10 slots.

We're talking scheduling
changes, marketing,

promotions, and sales.

This is a great thing
for our little station.

(phone rings)

- [Phil] Hello?

- Call for Mitch, line one.
- Yeah, put it through, Alice.

It's for you, this must be the call.

- Phil, put it on the speaker.

I wanna share this with everybody.

Good morning, do you
have good news for me?

- [Barbara] Tonight, I'm
gonna pull down your pants

and sink my hands into
your cute little ass

and then give you a tongue bath.

I'm gonna start at your feet

and slowly work my way up.

- Hello.

(train clacks)

- [Conductor] New Rochelle.

- Phil, we're here, Phil.

We're here.

(sinuous music)

Phil, Phil, look, come here!
- I'm up, hmm?

- Phil!
- What?

What?

- Nothing, come on.

(bluesy harmonica music)

Excuse me.

Coming through.

- Hey, Mitch?

(exciting music)

- Curly!

(lightning cracks)

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

- Who was that?

- I thought it was somebody else.

- Oh, come on, it's your birthday.

Let's go.
- Yeah.

(shimmering music)

What if he was a narcoleptic.

- [Phil] Who?

- Curly.

- Curly, the trail boss?

- Yeah, you know, they go
into these trances kind of

where it looks like they're
dead, but they're not.

- Mitch, he was dead, we checked.

He was...

Why are you even thinking about this?

- I thought I just saw Curly on the train.

That's who I was chasing after.

- Yeah, right.

We buried him alive, he
stayed underground for a year,

got up, dusted himself off, and then got

on the commuter train to New Rochelle.

That makes sense.

- Yeah, you're right.

I must just be tired is all.

(lightning cracks)

(rain patters)

Honey, I'm home.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

- Oh, so you knew he was coming?

- Yeah, I invited him.

- [Barbara] How could you do that?

- Honey, what are you saying?

- I'll just leave.
- I mean, you know

I can't stand him.

- Oh my God.

- Honey, this is Phil, this is our friend.

- Phil, I'm not talking about Phil.

Oh, you thought I meant Phil.

(Mitch chuckles)
No, Phil, no!

Phil, no, I love you.

- Well, then what are we talking about.

- Then you don't know?

- No, I don't know.

Can I buy a vowel?

- Your brother's here.

- Oh, no.

- Glen?

Crazy Glen?

- What do you mean he's here?

- What do I mean?

He's here, he's in our den
watching a Spanish soap opera.

- Well, how is he, how did he seem?

- Well, he came in and he asked
me to make him a sandwich,

no crust, and started
making long distance calls.

- Oh, God.

- First, of course, he did
three scenes from Godfather Two.

- He still does that?

I love that!

- Phil, I'm warning you, if you mention

the Godfather to him, I will rip your arms

out of the sockets and beat
you to death with them.

This started out as such a good birthday.

- Well, what's Glen been up to?

- He's been up to nothing.

He's the vice president of lazy.

I mean, this guy goes from
one family member to another,

stays there until they throw him out.

He borrows money,
borrows, borrows indicates

an intent to repay.

He gets jobs that aren't jobs.

We only hear from him through
change of address cards.

I mean, he's lost, he's a lost soul,

he's a dented can, he's
behind me, isn't he?

- Mitchy (speaking foreign language).

- Hello, Glen.

How was your sandwich?

- Ah, delightful.

- Listen, I'm sorry about what I said.

You know-

- Ah, water off a duck's back.

Come here!

Boy, look at you, you're still

the world's smallest big brother.

- [Phil] Hey, Glen.

- Phil, long time no see, how are you?

- Well, I'm getting
divorced, I'm living alone,

struggling for a reason to live.

- Hey, too much information for me.

Boy, I cannot get over this place.

I mean, look at it!

I mean, you got birds and trees,

and you got those fish, and you got a cow.

Oh, by the way, there is
something wrong with your cow.

- [Mitch] What?

- Well, I thought I'd help
out with the chores, you know,

so I figured, milk the cow.

I reach under there,
I'm pulling and tugging,

I'm tugging, I'm pulling,
nothing, not a drop.

- The cow's name is Norman.

You were pulling on his dick.

- I'm gonna go wash up.

- Hey, Glen, let me ask you a question.

Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed?

- [Mitch] Phil!

- He was out of brothers.

- Who gave the order?
- Just stop it!

- I love this.

- There was this kid I grew up with.

He was younger than me, sort
of looked up to me, you know.

- Glen.

- We did our first work together,

worked our way up the streets.

Things were good, we made the most of it.

- I gotta change.

- During Prohibition, we
ran molasses into Canada.

Made a fortune.

- Ran molasses to Canada.

You should run some brains to your head.

- I can't believe you two
are from the same gene pool.

- He's from the shallow end.
- So when's he leaving?

- I'll talk to him tonight.

- [Girl] Hi, Dad, happy birthday.

- Thanks, Holly.

- Did you see your Uncle Glen?

- Yeah, he borrowed $10 from me.

(Mitch sighs)
- Have you seen your brother?

- He's hiding from Uncle Glen.

- Well, find him and tell him

that we're gonna leave
in a few minutes, okay?

(doorbell rings)
Who is that now?

- It's Curtis, I invited

him to come with us.

- Curtis the lab experiment?
- Dad!

- Mitch!

- Honey, listen, I know that you like him,

but it's my birthday, and I wanted

this to be a family thing.

- Mom!

- Answer the door.

- Holly!

I don't trust this Curtis.

I mean, he's got like
eight million earrings,

his nose is pierced.

He's not a boy,

he's a fishing lure.
- This

is the business we've chosen.

- What are we gonna do about him?

We were supposed to be alone tonight.

I was planning to make noise.

- I will send him home with Phil.

It's perfect!

Tonight is our night.

Tonight, I'm the Energizer bunny.

Bing!

- [Glen] Someone put a
bullet through his eyes.

(rain patters)
(thunder rumbles)

- You relaxed now?
- Mm hmm.

- It's time.

I'm gonna change.

- Change?

Into what?

So your husband's out of town, huh?

- What?
- Nothing.

Just something that helps me.

(lightning cracks)

I'm Antonio, dance with me.

Oh, baby, oh, baby.

Oh, I look like a schmuck.

(lightning cracks)

(lightning cracks)

Ow, ow!

What's this?

(bluesy harmonica music)

What the hell did you
have in your hat, Curly?

(gentle music)

What the hell is this?

"$1,000,000 in gold, I
took it, you find it."

What the hell?
- Mitch!

I'm ready.
- Just a second.

(exciting music)

(sultry music)

- Happy birthday. (purrs)

- Wow.

- If I scream too loud, tough!

(exciting music)
(grunting)

- I'm done.

- What happened?

I just-

- Well there's, I think, too
much anticipation, you know?

And you look so great.

The kissing was great, I
mean, top notch kissing.

And it's better this way.

- For whom?

- You, I mean, for us.

Because now that one's outta the way.

- Right.

- And in about 10 minutes,
the new shift comes on,

and I'll be in total control.

So go hide in any room of the house,

and I'll go look for you.

- What?
- Yeah, come on.

Go, go, go, go, get ready.

(Barbara giggles)

This is gonna be good.

Okay, any room in the house.

- I guess I got you too excited.

- Woof.
- Woof.

- [Mitch] Go hide.

(lightning cracks)

- [Barbara] Oh, Mitch, I'm hiding!

- I don't believe this.

- Mitch!
- Okay.

(soft music)

(lightning cracks)
(dramatic music)

(Mitch screams)

- I feel your pain.

Now, take me through this again.

Last year, you buried
someone you were fond of.

- Mm hmm, someone I was very fond of,

someone with whom I had a
very good relationship with,

but, now, this dead individual
seems to be following me.

- Excuse me?
- I mean, I am plotzing.

I am seeing him-
- Are you listening

to this nut?
- Hello, Leonard.

- He's crazy, huh?
- Are you seeing him now?

- Gotta go.
- Hello?

- Morning.

- You busy?

- Phil, actually, can I
talk to you for a second?

- [Phil] What?

- [Mitch] You know what, forget about it.

- No, no, if you've got a problem,

I love to hear about
other people's problems.

Makes me feel normal.

- Well, I know that this
is gonna sound crazy,

but I saw him again.

- Who?

- Curly.

- Oh, God, Mitch.

- Last night in the rain,
outside my bedroom window.

I ran out there, but he was gone!

I am telling you, we buried him alive!

And he is really pissed,
and he wants his hat back.

- Come on, I'm taking you home.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, let me explain.

- Nobody returns from
the dead for their hat!

- Oh yeah?

If this was in it?

- What, this was in Curly's hat?

- Yeah, it was sewn in the hatband.

Read this.

- "Wes Pac, eat my dust.

"I took it, you find it.

"$1,000,000, L. Washburn."

Who's L. Washburn?
- I have no idea.

- Well, what is this?

- I think it's a treasure map.

- No kidding?

- I'm not imagining this, right?

- [Phil] Well, there's
a piece missing here.

- Yeah, but so what, because it shows you

the entire trail and
the X where it's buried.

- $1,000,000!
- Yeah.

- Hey, you know, I've got
those Timer Life books

on the Old West, and I
read there's a lot of money

buried all over the West
that's never even been found.

And I'll bet this map tells
you where it's buried.

- Tells you where what's buried?

- Phil's grandmother.

(light music)

What's up, Glen?

We're really busy.

- You know, I'm gonna go
do a little more research

on this, the, uh, Grandma.

- Wow, this is a big office.

- It's not that big.

- "Mitch Robbins, station manager."

- So what is it, Glen,
I'm a little bit busy.

- Nothing.

Boy, that's great you got Phil a job.

That's really nice.

What's it been, about five months now?

- Yeah.

- That's weird, 'cause I called you up

about six months ago,
remember, and I asked you

if there were any openings, and you said

there wasn't anything,
and then, a month goes by,

and something opens up and Phil gets it.

Well, my tough luck, I
guess, or bad timing, huh?

- Listen, Glen, you know I
always try to take care of you.

- Take care of me?

Mikey, you're my kid brother,
and you take care of me?

- Wait a second, you're my kid brother,

and my name is not Mikey!

- Send Fredo off to do this!

Send Fredo off to do that!

- Glen-
- I'm smart!

- Stop it.
- I'm smart!

- Stop it.
- I want respect!

- Would you stop with
this Godfather stuff?

Do you wanna talk about
this, I mean seriously?

- Yeah, 'cause you have a job for a friend

and not for a brother.

And don't tell me that Phil's
anything special, all right?

I mean, I like Phil, but let's face it,

the guy's a lamb chop
short of a mixed grill.

So when you tell me that-

- I'm gonna tell you something, Glen,

and I'm gonna be
perfectly honest with you.

I didn't want you to work here

because I can't count on you, you know?

I mean, I have tried to
help you in the past,

and you embarrassed me, frankly.

- When?
- When?

The ad agency thing.

Bob Richardson gave you that
job as a personal favor to me,

and you let him down.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Bob Richardson said
terrible things about you

behind your back, all right,

and I had a huge fight with him,

and I told him I don't
give a damn who he is,

he can't talk about my brother like that,

and I refused to work there anymore.

- He told me you never even showed up.

- Oh, that Bob Richardson.

Well, that guy, he's a-

- Glen.

- No, look, you know, I'll
just deal with the fact

that my brother thinks I'm an idiot.

- Oh, don't turn this into an opera.

I don't think you're an idiot.

- No, never once in your
life did you ever say

you were proud of me!

- For what?

- Thanks.

- Glen, Glen.

Damn it!
(elevator dings)

Glen, wait a second, Glen,
come here, Glen, come here.

Would you come here?

- Let go of me, you big bully!

- Would you just come
here and listen to me.

I'm sorry, but you set me up for that.

- You were right to feel how you feel.

- Would you just please listen to me?

Friday, I'm going to Las Vegas.

There's a big convention.

Why don't you come with me and Phil?

I'll introduce you around,
you'll meet some people,

you'll make some contacts,

maybe something will come out of it,

if you're really looking for
a serious job this time, okay?

- Hey, Mitch, come on, I
found some, uh, Grandma.

- Mitch, can you loan me 10 bucks?

- And then it just hit me!

Wes Pac, Western Pacific Railroad!

I will bet you that $1,000,000
is from a train robbery.

$1,000,000, Mitch, $1,000,000!

- A little louder, Phil,
some of the crack dealers

didn't hear you, thank you.

Get you a little decaf.

(twangy country music)

- I got it!

Hey, Mitch, look at this.

- June 12th, 1908.

- 1908, that's what it says on the map.

- Yeah, but what could
Curly have to do with this?

In 1908, he wasn't born yet.

- Hey, hey, look at this,
the starting spot on the map,

Spencer, it's only 65
miles from Las Vegas.

This is fate!
- Shh!

- [Phil] Up yours.

- "$1,000,000 in gold bars lost."

That was 1,000,000 then.

Gold is like 10 times more
valuable now, isn't it?

- 20!

- $20,000,000-
- Shh! -

- Sorry, sorry, what am I doing?

I'm getting crazy, this is ridiculous.

- This is not crazy, this
is all fitting into place!

Look, look, look, I got
the trial of the guys

who robbed the train.

"Stood impassively while
sentence was," blah, blah, blah.

"Leader of the gang, Lincoln Washburn."

L. Washburn!
- I don't believe this.

- "Challenge the authorities.

"I took it, you find it, he said.

"So far, none of the
gold has been recovered."

None of the gold has been recovered.

Mitch, let's do it.

- Do what?

- Go after the gold!

- Are you serious?

- Yes, look, when we get to Las Vegas,

let's go to this town, this Spencer,

let's follow the map and
see where it leads us!

- You're getting a little excited.

- You're damned right I'm getting excited!

Mitch, Mitch, this could be
the opportunity of a lifetime!

- You're out of control!

Stop and think a minute.

Why would Curly keep something
like this in his hat?

- Because he didn't
take his filing cabinet

out on the cattle drive, what do you mean?

- What I mean is if he had this map

worth a gajilion dollars, why
did he stick it in his hat?

Why didn't he go get the treasure?

- Well, maybe he never got around to it.

- He never got around.

You'd think for $20,000,000,
you'd budget your time!

Shh!

- Mitch, Mitch!

- Shh!

- [Phil] Don't shh me.

- Stop it!

Now listen, when I saw this map,

I got excited, too, but
we just can't go nuts!

I mean, I'm 40!

- What does that mean?

- I don't know!

- Mitch!
- Shh!

- Come on!

- If you can show me what any
of this has to do with Curly,

then I would believe you,
then I would say it's real,

but you can't, so it isn't.

- Mitch, meet Lincoln Washburn.

(dramatic music)

(Mitch screams)

- Hi, honey, I'm in Las Vegas.

Yeah, at the convention, yeah.

We're just sitting out
here, relaxing by the pool.

Yeah.

The weather's hot, yeah.

No, 120, but dry, so you
don't even notice it, yeah.

Honey, listen, here's the thing,

they had some sort of
electrical thing at the hotel.

No, I don't know, it was a thing.

The switchboard like blew up.

What the hell am I doing?

Yeah, no calls coming
in, no calls going out.

So if you wanna call me, you
have to call me on the cellular

'cause I'll have it with
me every second, okay?

All right, so don't call the hotel.

Call me.

Yeah, I gotta go, honey.

We're gonna go see Siegfried and Roy.

I love you, too, bye.

- (chuckles) You lied to her.

- What was I gonna do, tell her the truth?

That I'm jeopardizing my
career so I can rent burros

and go hunting for buried treasure?

I'm sure she'd be real supportive.

- You know, this whole
situation drips with irony.

- Does it?

- Oh, drips!

You know, what if it was
my idea instead of yours?

If I was the guy bagging
my job to hunt treasure?

You'd be saying same old
crazy, irresponsible Glen.

But you do it, and it's all right.

You know, how do you explain that?

- Listen, we know from the map,

it's like a day and a half to the gold

and a day and a half back.

We'll be back Monday, tops.

Wait a second, why are you
making me feel guilty about this?

Shouldn't you be grateful

that we even decided to include you?

I mean, if this is real, your
share could be seven million.

- Everything's all set.

- Oh, good, good.

Where's my other friend?

- Oh, he's inside settling
up with my partner.

- Ah.

- That sure is a lot of stuff
for a couple days of camping.

Shovels, ropes.

- Well, actually, we're
seismologists from Cal Tech.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Do you know anything about
geology or earthquakes?

- No.

- Ah, well, the continental
plates are in a state

of extreme seismic tension throughout

this entire igneous, bilagamous,
Jurassic, Hasidic region.

- Huh.

- And when the plates get
in that state of tension,

what we have to do is
dig down and relax them.

- Golly.

- Well put.

- So there's this guy's
picture in this old newspaper,

and he looks just like the guy we knew

who had the map in his hat.

It must've been his
father or his grandfather,

but that's what convinced us

that this gold is really up there.

- [Mitch] Phil.

- I don't know, I don't
really believe much

in this treasure hunting business,

but I sure do wish you
boys a whole lot of luck.

- We didn't wanna look stupid.

- Ah, that's all right.

Lot of you city boys come out here

thinking you're gonna dig up some gold.

Hell, it keeps us in business.

- Well, okay.

- Well, let's get started,
okay, thank you very much.

- Oh, sure thing.
- Thanks.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Hey now, you boys, be careful.

Turn your boots upside down at night,

and watch where you step,
and watch where you squat.

(horse neighs)

- Squat?

- Yeah, city boy come out
here about a year ago,

he was squatting down to do his business,

rattlesnake got him right in the keister.

- Ew.

(laughing)

- See y'all in a couple of days, I hope.

- Did you tell him your entire life?

- No, of course not, I was just being-

- Hey, Phil, listen, I'd think twice

before going back to that wife of yours.

That'd be like sticking
your balls in a bear trap.

- That would be a bad thing, right?

(Mitch chuckles)

I'm joking, it's a joke.

Well, we should go 'cause, hey, look,

we're in the handicapped spot.

(chuckling)

Gays in the military, your thoughts.

Well, we'll be back after
these commercial breaks.

Bye, let's go, boys.

- Yeeha!

(bright music)

- Good luck!

Hope you find lots and lots of gold.

(laughing)

(bright music)

- [Phil] Well?

- It says "the band plays the way."

- What band, what does that mean,

plays the way?
- I don't know.

This is very hard to read.

Which way is north?

- Up.

- What do you mean up?

- Well, north on the map is always up.

So I guess that means we should go up.

- What are you saying?

That every time you go
up, you're going north,

and every time you go
down, you're going south?

- Yeah.

- Now you're starting to frighten me.

Whoa, whoa, hold up here.

- Well, you know, maybe a compass

would've been a wise purchase

instead of the four pounds
of tortilla chips you bought.

- [Mitch] Let's see, I can't
make out anything here.

Look at this.

It's all written so small.

- I know, I can't, what does this mean?

- I don't know.

- Give me the map.

- Yeah, let Magellan have a look.

- Yes, some of us come prepared.

Can you hold this, please?

Move, you're in my light.

All right, now the sun
sets in the east, right?

- No, the sun sets in the west.

- That's if you're in the east,

but we are way out west now,

so we are past where the sun sets.

- You can't be past where the sun sets,

and, if you think you can,

then I am directly south of an idiot.

- Which is down.
- Right.

- Speaking of idiots, it doesn't say

"the band plays the way,"

it says, "the hand points the way."

- Oh, that's a lot better.

What does that mean?

- "The hand points the way."

- Yes.

- Hand points the way.
- Yes.

- The hand points the way.

(bright music)

The hand points the way.

Look, it's a hand, the
hand points the way.

The map is real!

(exciting music)

Look at it, there it is!

It's real!

The hand points the way!

- All right!

(laughing)

We're gonna get the gold,
we're gonna get the gold!

- [Mitch] Yee haw!

- [Phil] What are you doing?

- I'm doing the Walter Huston dance

from Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

- Oh, yeah, he found the
gold and he did the dance.

I loved it!

- Rich, boys, rich, rich,
we're gonna be rich.

Look, it's real, the hand points the way!

The map is real!

- The map is on fire!

It's on fire!

- Shit!

(tense music)

Get it!

Oh, no, get it!

Oh, no!
- Phil, get it!

- I got it!
- Which one?

Faster, Phil, faster!
- I got it, I got it!

- [Glen] Phil!

I got it, I got it!

No, you, you've got it.
- I've got it!

- [Glen] Reach for it.

- [Mitch] Watch it!

(exciting music)

Got it!

(gentle music)

(coyote howls)

- [Phil] Chiropractor.

- [Glen] 12.

- Unbelievable.

- Also 12.

- [Phil] How do you do that?

- [Glen] 14.

- No, no, I'm really asking
you, how do you do that?

- Oh.

I don't know, I just automatically see

how many letters are in every word.

- My brother the rain man.

- Wayne Newton.

- 11.

Yeah, yeah, definitely 11.

- Let me ask you a question.

If I'd actually died today, would you guys

still be playing this game?

- Mitch, it's over, you're
okay, everybody's okay.

- I know, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little petrified of heights,

which is why I'm not tall.

Listen, Phil, I'm making
you a copy of the map

in case something like this happens again.

- Oh, so Phil gets a copy, but not me.

- We don't need three copies.

- Yeah, but why automatically
does Phil get the copy?

- Well, 'cause, um.

- I see.

- What does that mean?

- It means I see.

- [Mitch] Where are you going?

- [Glen] I'm going to bed.

- Phil, is it okay with
you if Glen gets the copy?

- Fine.

- Thank you.

- You've already given him $7,000,000.

Why not a map?

- Okay, here we go.

Listen, I told you I had already
invited him to Las Vegas.

What was I gonna say to him?

Glen, stand by that roulette table,

we'll be back in three days?

I mean, it was awkward.

- Look, Mitch, I know he's your brother,

and I know, basically, he's a nice guy,

but I've got this terrible feeling

he's gonna do something to screw this up.

I mean, the first day,
he set fire to the map.

- I know, I know.

Listen, I'll watch him,
I'll be responsible for him.

- I just don't want
anything to mess this up.

It's too important.

- Don't worry, so far, so good.

We're having a great time.

I almost got killed today.

(laughing)

(soft music)

(bright music)

I made you a map.

- You did?

- Yeah, I put it in your saddlebag.

- Thanks.

You know, Mitch, it means a lot to me

that you brought me along on this thing.

- Look, come on.

- No, I mean it.

It kind of reminds me of,
remember when we were little,

and Mom would force you to take me

to the movies with your friends?

- She never forced me.

She would just say that
if I didn't take you

she would hang herself
with the good towels.

- Oh.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah, but you were
really nice about it, you know,

and I remember you gave me my own

personal box of Milk Duds,

and you'd take me to the bathroom

during the best part of the movie,

and you let me sit next to you.

- Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- What do you do?

- What do I do?

- Yeah, I mean, sometimes we
don't hear from you for months.

- Oh, I do a lot of things.

Sales, mostly, yeah.

You know, for a while, I
was an animal detective.

- What is that?

Some poodle calls and
says, I think my wife

is fooling around with a bulldog?

- (laughs) No.

No, once by accident, I found
this dog and called the owner.

He gave me $100, so I
made a business out of it.

I'd find lost dogs, I'd call the owners.

People pay big ransoms.

- Ransom, my God-

- No, ransom's a bad choice of words.

I mean, that's the word
they used at court,

but I'm still fighting it.

- Good for you.

There's Phil's horse.

Where's Phil?

- [Glen] Whoa, whoa.

- [Mitch] Phil, you all right?

- Yeah, I'll just be a second.

- Yeah, right.

- Ow!

- Must be having trouble.

Relax, don't strain!

(snake rattles)

(Phil whimpers)

- Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- Too many tortilla chips.

- Mitch, I was bit by a rattler!

Mitch, help!

A snake, oh my God, a snake!

A snake, a rattler!

It hit me on the ass.

Oh God, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.
- Hold on, hold on.

- Somebody, suck out the poison, please!

- He's your friend.

- Yeah, but you slept with his sister.

- I'm losing feeling!
- All right, all right,

can't we wait til the poison travels up?

(hissing)
I understand.

Glen, suck on his ass.
- I can't breathe.

- What?

- Mitch, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe, my tongue.

- I have done you a million favors,

and one time, I ask you
to don something for me.

- Oh yeah, and the one time is sucking

poison out of your friend's ass!

Forget it!
- I'm blind!

Where are you, where are you?

- I'm here, I'm here.
- Mitch, Mitch.

- I'm here, Phil, don't worry, Phil,

I'm gonna do it, but I am
not gonna forget this, Glen.

- Hot.
- Okay.

- Mitch, please, don't tell
my kids I died taking a shit.

- Okay.

- Hurry, hurry!

Would you suck already?

- That is not a snake bite.

- Huh?

- You sat on a cactus.

- [Phil] Ow!

- You sat on a cactus.

- I felt the sting and I saw that snake,

and I remembered what those guys had said.

I thought I was really gonna die there.

- It's over, you're okay.

- And you were gonna do it.

You were gonna suck on my ass.

- Look, it's over.

- You're my friend, Mitch.
- Sure I am.

- You really care about me!

You really care about me!

Oh, Mitch! (sobs)

- It's okay, Phil.

(Phil sobs)

He gets a little emotional.

(Phil sobs)
(Glen whimpers)

- We used to be that close!

- Oh, God.

- Oh, Mitch!

(Phil sobs)
(Glen cries)

(sobbing)

(light music)

- Let's get that gold, I want that gold!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

(cheering)

- This is the business we've chosen.

Yeehaw!

(twangy music)

- Batting third and playing center field,

number seven, Micky Mantle.

(bright music)

- [Mitch And Phil] Hey!

- And how does the TV know

what it wants you to play?

- Because you've told the VCR.

And once you tell a VCR, then-

- It tells?
- Yeah, you don't have to tell

the TV anything, the
VCR does all the work.

No, it's a great convention, honey.

Hello, honey, hello.

(bright music)

- Hey, Phil, is this beef
jerky or turkey jerky?

- Does it really matter?

How do they make that stuff anyway?

- Jerky?

It's an interesting process.

Take a really good piece of meat,

and then a New York City cab driver

sits on it for four months.

(chuckling)

- Hey, how do you think
those two laughing idiots

we rented this stuff from are gonna feel

when we bring back all that gold?

- The looks on those faces,

those tobacco-chewing, gun-rack-having,

chicken-screwing, sister-marrying,

abandoned-toilet-seat-in-the-front-yard-having,

vitamin-deficiencied ugly faces.

They're behind me, aren't they?

- Howdy, boys.

- Hey!

What a coincidence.

We were just talking about you.

What are you doing here?

- We followed you.

- Isn't that nice?

Talk about service, but
everything is great.

The equipment, the food, ooh,
that jerky, forget about it.

Better than my mother's
jerky, but she used onions.

- We want the map.

- Map?

- Yeah, the one ole Stretch
there told us about.

- Oh, the map.

Nah, it's like you say, we're like all

of those dumb city boys who come up here

looking for treasure.

You know, just like you said.

- Nope.

See, this cowboy kept his map in his hat,

and that means it was something special,

and if his daddy did that hold up.

- We want that map!

Don't make us look for it.

- Hey, hey, fellas, come on now.

Look, I know what you're feeling, okay?

I've been there, I'm still there.

You feel like you have no
control over your life,

that nothing makes any (speaker
cut off by gun clicking).

It's in the saddlebag.

(grunting)

- Come on, guys, you
can't leave us like this.

We're not gonna make any trouble.

I mean, come on, we've got
families, we've got kids.

Just let us go, and we'll
forget the whole thing.

- Absolutely.

- Not me.

If I ever see either of you
two guys again, I'll kill ya!

- Glen!
- Will you shut up?

- Pig boy!
(phone rings)

- That's my wife.

I really should take this,

so if you'll just pull
it out and press send.

(phone rings)

- Looks like you won't be
talking to her, after all.

(giggling)

All right, look, you got two choices.

We can leave you here, and the animals

are gonna smell your
flesh burning in the sun,

and they're gonna come down here

and chew you up pretty bad.

- Or?

- We can shoot you in the head right now.

- I think we shoot them right now.

Got any last words?

(shouting)

(gun bangs)

(Phil shouts)

(exciting music)

(gun bangs)

(dramatic music)

- Curly, I knew it, you're alive!

Curly, I swear, we thought
you were dead, we didn't know!

Please, Curly!

Curly, I'm sorry we buried
you, but you looked as dead!

Curly, I'm sorry, Curly.

- I'm not Curly.

I'm Duke.

- [Mitch] Duke?

- Curly was my brother.

- Your brother?

Brother.

The other night, it was
you on the 5:38 train

to New Rochelle, wasn't it?

- Yeah, and I was outside
your window that night.

You have a lovely home.

- Thank you, we did a lot of work.

Where you were used to be a tool shed.

The other side of the
house was a total disaster.

See, the wood rot-

- Where is my brother's map?

- The map, they got the map.

- No.

- You gave them my brother's map?

- No, no, it's okay.

They don't have the real map.

- What?

What do you mean?

It was the map you gave me.

- But I didn't make you a real copy.

I changed it.

- Why?
- In case something

like this happened.

- You didn't trust me, did you?

- No, no, no, I drew you
a copy that would lead

you to the highway.

I wanted you to be safe.

- No, you thought I'd sneak
off and steal the gold!

- No, I didn't!

What I did was (speaker
cut off by gun banging).

- Will you two pixies knock it off?

Where's the damn map?

(dramatic music)

What in the hell are you staring at?

- Curly's twin, I can't get over it.

- Well, get over it.

Or I'll turn you into twins.

- Oh, I see.

- That piece there, that was
missing when we found it.

- Yeah, and I accidentally
burned that hole.

(Duke shouts)
(Glen and Phil whimper)

- I can't tell you how many times my daddy

put me and my brother on his knees

and tell us about this treasure.

He said we'd all go out together
when the time was right,

when they weren't watching him no more.

- Well, why'd you wait so long?

I mean, if Curly had the
map, why didn't you just-

- We didn't know there
was a map til a year ago.

My ma died.

She was 95.

Stabbed at a bar fight.

She gave Curly the map on her deathbed.

He wrote to me, told
me I should come home,

we were gonna be rich.

Til then, he was gonna
keep it under his hat.

- Where were you?

- You writing a book?

- No.

- By the time I got back, Curly
had died on a cattle drive.

That dumb son of a bitch.

His pal Cookie told me
that you had his hat,

so I came looking for you.

I found you, didn't I?

- Why didn't you just knock on my door

and tell me about it?

Why'd you have to scare the life outta me?

- Because I didn't know
what kind of guy you were,

and I wasn't sure you knew about the map.

If you didn't, I sure as
hell wasn't gonna tell you.

Then when you came out here, I figured

I'd let you do all the work,

and I'd just take it from you.

Well, you guys oughta
be heading back to town.

- Back, what do you mean back?

- Well, your mommies will
be worried about you.

Yeah, thanks for the map.

- Hey, wait a second.

You can't-

- I can't what?

- Nothing.

(melancholic music)

- [Mitch] Well, that's it, I guess.

(melancholic music)

(horse whinnies)
- What the hell do you want?

- Oh, you may look like Curly,

but you are nothing like him!

- Get.

- Curly was a good man, decent man.

He had dignity, you know?

And he wouldn't like it if he saw

you were treating his friends like this.

- You were his friend?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact,
he changed my whole life.

I was really confused, and he told me

that one thing, just one thing-

- He told you about that one thing, huh?

- Yeah, and if he was here right now

and saw what you were doing,

he would kick the living shit out of you.

- (chuckles) Well, Curly
told you about the one thing.

He must've liked you.

- He did.

- Well, you and your
friends wanna ride along?

- As partners?

- Hell, half of what's up there

is more than I'll ever need.

- Half?

You mean you get a half
and the three of us

have to split a half?

Which is fine, I'll go along with that.

Just remember something,
don't mess with us, pal.

We're from New York.

- You ever talk to me like that again,

and I'll turn your balls
into earrings, understand?

- Go for it.

- We're close, less than a day.

Can you hear it?

That's the gold, it's singing to us.

Come and get me, come
and get me, come and get.

Curly was wrong.

There are two things.

Whatever the hell this is, and gold.

Let's go get it.

(dramatic, exciting music)

- [Mitch] You know, Phil, you
are never gonna meet any women

sitting in your apartment,
reading those Time Life books.

You gotta get out, you gotta go places.

- [Phil] If a woman wants someone like me,

she goes to the pound and gets
herself a three-legged dog.

- Phil, if this isn't a
too personal question,

when's the last time
you were with a woman?

- Saturday.

Saturday, it'll be a year.

- Ouch.

- Boy, if I had known, I
would've gotten you a cake.

- Who was she?

- Oh, it was this girl I
met on the cattle drive.

- Oh, Bonny, right, Bonny, she was cute.

- She was really sweet,
too, but I was just

two weeks out of my marriage.

I was just a huge sack of tears.

I wonder if I still know how to do it.

- Come on, it's like riding a bicycle.

Only you're naked.

- Speaking of which, did you ever walk

in on our parents doing it?

- No.

Why, did you?

- Yes.

- Whoa, whoa!

Really?
- Worse thing I've ever seen.

- Well, that's a horrible
thing for a little kid to see.

- This was three weeks ago in Florida.

- Oh!

Did you walk in the bedroom?

- It was in the kitchen.

- Oh!

- Apparently, it was spontaneous, too,

because Pop still had his hat on.

You know, the one with the fake grass

and the golf ball on it.

It was horrible, wax
fruit flying every place,

dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping

up and down on the refrigerator.

- Okay, stop it!

- Pop was working hard. (grunts)

"Ah, enough of that, did
you take the car in?"

- Oh!

- See, I think that's beautiful.

- Beautiful?

Not from my angle.

- No, two people in love
after all those years,

that's great.

- Great, an hour later,
we ate on that table.

- Ew!

(bright music)

(Duke panting)

- You okay?

- Yeah, first time on a horse in 50 years.

- What, but you're a cowboy.

- Nah.

I was born out here,
but left when I was 15.

- Where'd you go?

- World War 2.

Lied about my age and joined the navy.

First look at the big blue.

After the war, merchant
marines, charter boats,

anything to stay on the ocean.

- Wow.

- Yep.

Been around the world 21 times.

Curly loved the land, and I love the sea.

- So you're like surf and turf.

(chuckling)

You thought that was funny?

- No.

I was just thinking what
I'd like to do to you.

- Oh.

(chuckling)

(horse whinnies)

(dramatic music)

Look at that.

(horse whinnies)

- Oh, look how great he looks.

Majestic, you know?

- I had a dream about a horse like this.

I wanna ride alongside him.

- Why?

- I just wanna see what it feels like

to ride alongside a wild animal.

- It's like going on vacation with Arlene.

(horse whinnies)

- Come on.

(exciting music)

(Mitch shouts)

(exciting music)

Where did he go?

(Mitch whistles)

(soft music)

(rumbling)
Shit!

- Where'd he go?

- Quiet.

(horses whinny)
(donkeys bray)

- What is it, what is it?

- It's an earthquake.

- Move, move, he's got friends!

Get out of here!

(exciting music)

- Stampede!

(exciting music)

- Holy shit!

(exciting music)

Go, go!

- Head for the trees!

Come on, go!

- Whoa, whoa!

- Whoa.

Let's go, come on!

- Whoa!

(tense music)

(Duke grunts)
(horse neighs)

- Oh, no, Duke!

Duke!

(hooves pound)

Duke, Duke!

- I lost the goddamn map!

- Forget the map, come on!

Duke, get outta here, come on!

- Hold it.
- I'm trying.

(hooves pound)
(tense music)

- I'm going after Glen!

- Help!

Help!

Mitch!

(tense music)

(exciting music)

Help!

(exciting music)

- I'm coming!

(exciting music)

Pull 'em up, pull 'em up!

- [Glen] Which one?

- Get in the front and pull 'em up!

- I can't.

(exciting music)

(phone rings)

Mitch!

Mitch!

(hooves pound)

- One, two.

(shouting)
(exciting music)

- Mitch!

Mitch!

Mitch!

What are you doing?

- I'm saving you, you schmuck!

(exciting music)

Glen, the wagon's coming apart!

- [Glen] What?

- You're gonna have to jump!

(exciting music)

(Mitch screams)
(tense music)

We're coming to the
edge, you gotta jump now!

- I can't!
- Jump!

- I can't!
- You pain in the ass!

Listen to me for once!

Get your fat ass out here and jump now!

Come on!

Jump now!

(Glen shouts)

(tense music)

- [Glen] Mitch, do something!

- Hold on!

(Mitch screams)

(exciting music)

(panting)

(soft, gentle music)

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

You can let go now.

- Soon.

(soft music)

- Ow!

- You saved my life!

Mitch, you are amazing!

And the way you did it, oh!

Well, this is a whole lot different

than just sucking on Phil's ass.

- Excuse me?

Did I hear right?

- Yeah, you see, Phil thought that a snake

had bit him on the-

- I don't care!

Now, whatever went on before, stops now.

- Yes, sir.

- Is this real bad?

- Nah.

Looks like you spent the
night with a Singapore hooker.

- Oh, great, that's it.

I'm dead.

- They're just scratches.

- No, you don't get it.

Barbara can't reach me, so, by now,

she's called the hotel in Vegas,

she's realized that
I've been lying to her.

Then I'm gonna come home
with scratches on my back?

That's it, it is over, I'm divorced.

By this time next week, I will be having

a romantic candlelit dinner with Phil.

- Well, pick a night
'cause the map is gone.

Everything's been trampled, the food,

the tents, the sleeping bags.

- What's left?

- Three miner's helmets
and a tube of ChapStick.

- Oh, what's the difference?

The only thing that mattered was that map.

- [Mitch] This is all my fault.

- Your fault?
- Mm hmm.

- I dropped it.

- Yeah, but you wouldn't have dropped it

if I didn't decide to go
frolic with some stallion.

I'm sorry, Duke, I'm really sorry.

- Well, if we don't get
lost, can we make it

back to town before we starve to death?

- Yeah, it's only a day and a half.

I can use every second
ton think of another lie

to tell Barbara.

- Hey, if you guys go home,

I'm not splitting the treasure with you.

- What do you mean, you're
not coming back with us?

- No, the gold is that way.

- Yes, but the grand
slam pancake breakfast

at the Mirage is that way.

Duke, we've got no map!

What are you gonna do,
wander around the West

hoping to stumble onto the gold?

- Something like that.

- Yeah, well, please don't
take this the wrong way,

but you're insane.
- No, insane is coming

this far and then just going back.

If you guys wanna go home, go ahead,

but that gold, that's the
only dream I got left.

(bittersweet music)

- [Glen] Over the buffalo's back

and under the frozen people.

- What?

- Over the buffalo's back
and under the frozen people.

That's the rest of the map.

- Glen, how do you know?

You never even saw the real map.

- Because I saw it yesterday for a minute

when we were looking for the hand.

- Listen, this isn't memorizing a movie,

and it's not telling me how many letters

there are in falafel.
- Seven!

Now I'm telling you, that gold will be

in our hands by tomorrow night.

I can draw you the map
exactly like the original.

I can get us there.

All you have to do is trust me.

Mitch, Mitch, please!

For once in your life, just trust me.

(dramatic music)

(lightning cracks)

(tense music)

(lightning cracks)

- Trust you?

- Are you sure it said buffalo's back?

We haven't seen anything that
looks like a buffalo's back.

Nothing!

- You know something, you have not stopped

whining since we started.

It's like going on
vacation with an ambulance.

- Oh, shut up!

You shouldn't even be on this!

- Oh, yeah, if it wasn't for
me, we wouldn't even be here.

- Freezing to death!

Hurry, it's going out.

(wind whistles)

- That's the last one.

- Well, night.

- Night, how about goodbye?

We're gonna die up here.

- The sun's up in five hours.

Tomorrow morning, we're all gonna be rich.

(thunder rumbles)

- Hey, look, guys, we're
really in trouble here,

and, well, in case we
never find our way out,

and I die first, eat me.

- Eat you?

- Ew.

- You know, if you're starving to death.

- Eat you?

I don't even like talking
to you on the phone.

- Well, I'm just saying, I'm willing

to sacrifice myself for
the good of the group.

- Eat me?

What a lovely image.

Eat me.

Glen, I'm still hungry,
is there any more Phil?

Ooh, pass the Phil, mm,
he's even good cold.

Great party, thanks to Phil, mm.

- All right, so don't eat me.

- Jesus Christ, what a
bunch of little piss pots.

(lightning cracks)

- Hey, you know, maybe
if we huddle together,

we could share our body warmth.

I read in my Time Life book,
people can survive that way.

I mean, we're three 98.6's.

How much is that, Glen?

- 295.8, that's too hot.

- So what are you saying?

- Well, I'm saying, we should hug.

- All night?

- Well, yeah.

(lightning cracks)

- [Mitch] Okay.

Come on, Glen.

(rain patters)
(thunder rumbles)

My leg.

- Easy.

(grunting)

- Hold still, I'm trying to sleep.

(rain patters)

- You know what?

It is a little warmer.

(wind howls)

- Hey, guys.

- Hmm?

- What about Duke?

- What about him?

- Well, shouldn't we invite him to-

- To what, to join us?

What are you crazy?

- Look at him.

I mean, he could die.

This isn't right.

- Yeah, all right, who's gonna ask him?

- Well, you've been getting
along with him the best.

- No, don't make me do this!

- Mitch, go, go.

- All right, save my place.

(lightning cracks)

Duke.

- Yeah.

- The guys and I were wondering

if you'd like to come back to our place

and, you know, maybe we could all.

- All what?

- Hug.

- Holy God, I'm up here
with a goddamned musical.

- No, no, no, no.

What I meant was,
there's body warmth, see,

and if we press against each other.

- Uh huh, you'll get hot.

- Duke, come on, you could die up here.

- Maybe.

Hey!

Curly ever mention me?

- Curly wasn't really
what you'd call gabby.

He wasn't the Chatterbox that
you remember from your youth.

When was the last time that you saw him?

- Oh, God, long ago.

But when you have a twin, you see 'em

every time you look in the mirror.

You know, sometimes you
don't know what you have

until you don't have it any more.

I liked having a brother.

Did Curly die happy?

- Does anybody?

I think he did, Duke.

One of the last things he said to me

was there's nothing
like bringing in a herd.

I mean, it must be how you
feel when you're at sea.

- I lost my boat in a
squall about two years ago.

Damn squall, I just wasn't
a good enough sailor.

I came ashore.

- What have you been doing since?

- A friend of mine's son opened

a seafood restaurant in San Diego.

The Happy Pirate.

I worked there.

- You're the manager?

- Nah, no.

I am the happy pirate, bird
on my shoulder, pirate hat,

one hand's a hook.

How would you like your burger
cooked, matey? (grumbles)

Sometimes I can't stand it.

I wanna spit in their
goddamn clam chowder.

You know, I've been a sailor for 50 years.

I don't know how to do anything else.

I'd just be lost.

Mitch, I gotta find that gold, Mitch.

I need that gold.

(bittersweet music)

(playful music)

- Guys, guys, come on, are you all right?

You all right?

Come on, Phil, Glen, wake up, come on.

Guys, we made it, we're alive.

We did it, come on, get up.

All right, now listen, this
is it, this is finished.

We're going back.

- No.
- Listen, no arguments, Glen.

We'll never survive
another night like this.

- You got no argument here, let's just go.

- All right.

- You better tell Duke.
- Yeah.

Where is he?

Listen, you guys pack
up, I'll go find him.

Come on, come on.

Duke?

Duke?

Duke!

Duke.

Hey, Duke.

Duke.

Duke?

Oh, no, not him, too.

What is with this family?

Everybody dies sitting up.

See, you wouldn't hug us, you big dope!

(screaming)

- You thought I was dead, didn't you?

What do you want?

- Listen, Duke, I know how much
this treasure means to you,

but we're going back.

- Ah, you mean back that way?

- Yeah.

- Over the buffalo's back?

- What buffalo's back,
there is no buffalo's back!

- There's a buffalo's back down there.

Here, look through this,
look, look, look down there.

We crossed it in the
dark, didn't even know it.

- Glen was right.

- Yeah, he was also right
about the frozen people.

- How do you know?

- Look down there, look!

- I don't believe it.

There they are.
- Let's go, buddy.

- There they are.
- Yeah.

Are you still gonna go back?

- No.

(laughing)

- Hey, gimme this, go ahead
and get ready, go ahead!

- Look out!

Guys!

(triumphant music)

We're gonna be rich!

(triumphant music)

- Come and get me, come and
get me, come and get me!

(triumphant music)

- [Mitch] Hey, this could be it,

there's an entrance to a cave.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

- [Glen] Phil, come on.

(groaning)

- [Duke] Oh, look at this.

- I can't believe it.

Come on.

Come on, here's our stuff, get it.

Get it out.

- [Phil] What do we do now?

- I'll bet that's what was on the corner

of the map that's missing.

- What's the matter, Duke,
do you see something?

- Quiet.

My daddy was in this cave.

- How can you tell?

- I just can.

- Sure, like we could
always tell when our dad

had been in the bathroom before us.

- Got a lot of passageways.

Let's split up and each take one.

- Alone?

- I'll take this one.

- Hey, Mitch, what if the cave is like

booby-trapped, you know, and you go down

the wrong passageway and you
get your head chopped off

or a huge boulder just
comes rolling at you,

and it just crushes your head in?

- Would you shut up?

Stop it!

Why did you have to say
something like that for?

(tense music)

- [Phil] Look at this,
there's three tunnels.

What do we do now?

- Okay, Glen, you take
the one in the middle,

I'll take this one, and you take that.

Okay?

(men sigh)

(tense music)

(Glen hums "Love Theme
from The Godfather")

(Phil hums "Love Theme
from The Godfather")

(Mitch hums "Love Theme
from The Godfather")

(men hum "Love Theme from The Godfather")

- Will you guys shut up?

(Glen hums "Love Theme
from The Godfather")

(tense music)

- Don't do that now.

(tense music)

Come on, come on!

Come on, thank you.

(bats screech)
(Mitch grunts)

(Mitch screams)

(shattering thud)

(Mitch groans)

(tense music)

(Mitch screams)
(cart rattles)

(exciting music)

(light music)

(Phil screams)

- Phil.
- Did you find anything?

- No, you?
- Yeah!

I found you.

- Shh!

You hear something?
- Yeah.

That sounds like a train.

- A train?

- Hey, look, there's some tracks.

(tense music)

- Wow.

Oh, man.

Something coming?

- I don't know.

Here's how you tell.

(light music)

- What are you doing?

- I'm listening for vibrations.

- Oh.

- Yeah, something's coming!

- Oh.

(rattling)

- And it's definitely
coming from that direction.

(rattling)

(Mitch screams)
(Glen screams)

(Phil screams)

(Mitch screams)

- That was Mitch.

(Mitch screams)

(shattering crash)

(thudding)
(Mitch moans)

- [Phil] Are you okay, Mitch?

- I'm all right.

- [Phil] Where are you?

- Follow the tracks.
- Got it!

(Mitch moans)

(expectant music)

- Hello.

Come on.

(banging)

(expectant music)

I found it.

I found it!

I found it!

Guys, I found the gold!

Yeah, all the gold, I found the gold.

It's mine, I tell you, it's
mine, it's all my gold.

We don't have to show
them no stinking badges.

I found the gold, yahoo!

- Mitch?
- Down here!

- Mitch?
- Mitch!

- My gold.
- Where is it?

Where is it?

- You found it?
- Guys, I found the gold!

- [Phil] Let me see it, let me see it.

(dramatic music)

- [Mitch] Can I just say one thing?

We're rich!

(laughing)

- We did it, we did it!
- We did it!

- We did it!
- Yes, yes!

- [Duke] What the hell is going on?

- Duke, we found it!

We found the gold!

(shouting)

- You did?

- [Glen] Over here, Duke.

(exciting music)

- You found the gold, holy!

(heavenly music)

- Stand back, boys, it is time
for the Walter Huston dance!

(Mitch laughs)

Hey, Duke, no more happy pirate!

- That's right, no more.

- Oh, do you believe this guy?

Last time, he wouldn't even hug me!

See, having money makes a difference.

- [Duke] Oh, it makes a difference.

(men shouting)

That's right, it makes a difference.

Hey, let's go and get the burros

and start loading this stuff up.

- Stop right there.
(gun clicks)

- [Thief] Did you really think we'd let

you take the gold outta here?

Thanks for doing all the work, though.

- I don't believe this.

- How the hell did you follow us, pig boy?

- [Thief] Never mind
that, it's our gold now,

and I'm afraid we can't
leave any witnesses.

(grunting)

- Get him!

(exciting music)

Get him!

(exciting music)

Get the gun, get the gun!

Get the gun!
(screaming)

(exciting music)

(screaming)

(exciting music)

(gun clicks)

(exciting music)

- N0!

- Mitch!
(gun bangs)

(Glen groans)
- Glen!

(Glen moans)

Glen!

Glen!

Glen!

- No, it's better this way.

It's better it's me instead of you.

This way Barbara and the kids-

- Oh, Glen!

- Sorry I wasn't a good brother.

- No, no, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, we'll get some help.

Hold on, Glen, just hold
on, we'll get some help.

You'll see.

Help, come on, somebody get some help!

Get some help!

- It's okay, you always help me.

You took me to the movies.

It's funny, it doesn't even hurt.

- Glen?

Oh, no.

(Mitch cries)

- You killed him, you son of a bitch,

you killed my best friend's brother!

You son of a bitch!

You killed him!
- These aren't real bullets.

- You son of a bitch!
- It's blanks.

- You killed him!
- What?

- You, huh?

- These are blanks.

Here.

- It's paint.

- What the hell is going on?

- That's funny.
- Yeah, real funny.

- Hey, who's down there?

What in the name of John
Wayne's ass is going on in here?

- Clay Stone?

From the cattle drive?

- Hey, I remember you two.

What are you doing?

Great buckets of bullshit,

it's Curly, come back to life!

- I'm not Curly, I'm his brother Duke.

And who the hell are you?

- I'm Clay Stone.

Hell, I've been looking
for you for months.

What'd you do to my boys?

- Your boys?

- What happened, we heard shots.

- Is everybody all right?

- Ira and Barry Shalowitz?

- Mitch, Phil?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, God, it's Curly!

He's come back from the dead!

- He looks great.

- It's Duke, Curly's brother.

- Will somebody please tell me

what the hell is going on here?

- Didn't Curly tell you?

- N0!

- Hell, it was his idea.

We take folks on a real
Western treasure hunt,

follow right in the steps
of the old Washburn gang.

- Yeah, we get these maps
and we follow these clues.

- It's been exciting.

- [Clay] It's really been great.

A hell of a lot better

than those cattle drives, yes siree!

(chuckles) More fun, and you don't

have to watch where you step!

- Yeah, but we actually found it.

- Yes, and it belongs to us.

- What, that?

Everybody finds that.

Hell, that's just lead painted with gold,

just to make it a little
bit more fun. (chuckles)

Take a look for yourself. (laughs)

Then to give 'em an extra goose,

I got the boys come
in, pretend to rob 'em,

and shoot 'em with paint pellets.

Scares the Avion out of 'em. (laughs)

- Then there's no real treasure?

- Curly come up here a lot of times,

but he never found anything.

- But he wrote to me, said
we were gonna be rich.

- I don't know abut being rich,

but you'll make a damn good living.

He wanted to cut you in
for a piece of the action.

As far as I'm concerned,
Duke, you can have his share.

- That's what he meant?

- I believe so.

You boys came up here
thinking that this was real?

(soft music)

- Yeah.

- (laughs) Unbelievable. (laughs)

Un-by-God-believable! (laughs)

- Are you all ready?
- I'm wound.

- Duke.

- Hi.

(camera clicks)

- I got it.

- We're Barry and Ira Shalowitz.

We helped bury your brother.

- Oh?

Well, maybe some day I
can do the same for you.

- Well, it was nice meeting you.

- Bye.

- That's how you start a conversation,

"we buried your brother"?

- I was flustered.
- It's impolite.

Come on, let's get a cold beverage.

- Going somewhere?
- No, no, no.

I'm gonna take Clay's sons down

and show 'em where we left the horses.

- We'll help you.

- Ah, no, no, no, I can do it.

You guys gotta go to Las Vegas.

I don't gotta go nowhere.

- So what are you gonna do, Duke?

Are you gonna work for Clay Stone?

- Oh, come up here every week
and find a fake treasure?

No, thanks.

- So what will you do?

- That gold, that gold
is up here somewhere.

- Duke.

- No, it's up here somewhere!

Oh, thanks for being Curly's last friend.

- It was my pleasure.

- Okay, come on, come on, baby.

Oh, did Curly ever tell you
what that one thing was?

- Yeah, he said that's what you

have to figure out for yourself.

- God.

He was a real pain in the ass, wasn't he?

(soft, bittersweet music)

- About five minutes.

- Good.

- Well, how stupid do we feel?

- I don't feel that stupid.

- Then you're stupid.

- Nah, I'm confused.

Why don't I feel worse?

- I don't know.

- I mean, think abut it for a second.

How bad do you really feel?

- I don't know.

You know, not as bad as I should.

- Yeah, I feel pretty good, actually.

Why is that?

- Well, we had a great adventure,

we weren't killed, which
is always a feature I like.

- Yeah, and we found a box full of lead.

- That's not how I look at it.

I mean, you guys saved my life!

I mean, you stepped in front of a bullet!

You jumped on a guy who
was ready to shoot me.

- They were blanks.

- But you didn't know that.

I mean, we didn't have any
guided tour or box lunches.

All we had was each other, and we made it.

Me, my best friend, and my brother.

We found the Washburn treasure!

(laughing)

We did it.

- We found that gold!

- Philly boy, you did great.

- Thanks.

(soft music)

- I'm really proud of you.

(soft music)

(lively music)

(Mitch shouts)

- God, look at this town,

filled with desperate people.

Why do you think they come here, Mitch?

- Well, the buffets are lovely.

It's 3.95, all you can eat.

- Ah, they wanna hit
the jackpot, get rich.

- Listen, Duke, I feel
bad for you, I really do,

but can we talk about
this at another time?

Maybe we could have a drink together.

It's just that my wife is coming in

from the airport right now.

See, I told her everything,

and I've planned this
really fabulous evening

of being yelled at, so.

- I understand.

I came back to tell you
that I know what this is.

It's honesty, integrity.

- Great, that's great.

So, listen, thanks for
scaring me, and maybe.

- Honesty.

- Got you.

- You know, Mitch, right down to the end,

I was planning to cheat
you and your friends.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I was gonna find the gold,

and I was gonna say I didn't find it,

and then, after you guys had gone,

I was gonna have it all, all to myself!

Only, I couldn't do it.

- Of course you couldn't
'cause it isn't up there.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

Curly was up there a million times.

- My mother didn't want either of us

to find that treasure without the other.

She wanted her boys to
do something together.

So she gave Curly the map,

and, wait a minute,

she sent me the missing corner. (chuckles)

There, look at that.

(soft music)

- "Hot on my trail.

"Reburied here in 1909.

"L. Washburn."

(playful music)

- What did you do, draw this yourself?

- No.
- Is that what you did?

- [Duke] No.

- Huh?

- You prankster.
- No.

- You scamp, you,

you little ruffian.
- No, no.

- Forget it, I'm not going
back up there with you, Duke.

There is nothing there.

I am through hunting for buried treasure.

What am I, one of the Little Rascals?

(thudding)

(playful music)

- What do you think of that, Spanky?

- This is?

(twinkling music)

- It's got friends.

(dramatic music)

♪ Come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me, come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me, come and get me ♪

♪ Come and get me, come and get me ♪

(Mitch screams)

(soaring, pastoral music)

(playful, lively music)