Christopher Titus: Amerigeddon (2018) - full transcript

- Of such idle stockpiles,

which can only destroy and never create

is not the only, much
less the most efficient

means of assuring peace.

I speak of peace therefore,

as the necessary, rational
end of rational men.

- They will be met with fire and fury

like the world has never seen.

- Why have we not been able
to get together as a nation?

- Donald Trump says he
admires Vladimir Putin.

- There is no collusion
between me, and my campaign,



and the Russians.

- The trouble with our liberal friends

is not that they're ignorant,

it's just that they know
so much that isn't so.

- Politics of division and resentment,

and paranoia has
unfortunately found a home

in the Republican Party.

- To get that son of a bitch
off the field, right now.

Out, he's fired.
(crowd cheering)

Fired!

- Yes, we should deport them.

We should build a wall.

We should triple the border patrol.

- I think there's blame on both sides.



- He will be the voice
of all us outsiders,

all us deplorables, all of us losers,

all of us morons.

- What difference at
this point does it make?

- Which is why I alone can fix it.

(rapidly increasing heart beat)

(hard rock instrumental of
"The Star-Spangled Banner")

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

- Hey.

Hello!

Yes.

I just wanna thank you.

How's it going, man?

Hey, yes!

Yes.

Arizona, it's 115 degrees.

Holy shit.

(audience laughing)

- I am doing my new show, guys.

I wanted to write a show

that was gonna bring the country together,

something we could all laugh about,

so it's about politics,
guns, and abortion.

There you go.

(audience cheering)

Yes!

Talking about politics
in America right now

is like trying to organize an
interracial hoedown in 1840.

I say, are you an abolitionist
or you Dred Scott?

Well, take off the Nat Turner tee-shirt

or there shall be
fisticuffs, you carpetbagger.

Yeah, joke number two sounds

like history homework, doesn't it, yeah.

Here's what bothered me
about the last election.

I could not believe we
were fighting each other

over these idiots.

Like, half of us wanted

this arrogant pantsuit-wearing robot.

I call her She-3PO.

(audience laughing)

And ladies why was she
wearing those square jackets?

Was she running as Lego Hillary?

(audience laughing)

And then the other half wanted

this arrogant, orange, delusional,

Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.

And that's why we were pissed at each?

People who are families were breaking up.

You guys do get that we get a new idiot

in four years, right?

You're gonna need your
family to wipe you in 20.

Like, families are breaking
up with Thanksgiving.

Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?

Is that who you, shut
the fuck up, Grandma!

Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?

Well, if that's who you voted for,

hell, I hope you get hit by a gas truck.

That's right, Uncle Phil,
and I hope you don't die.

I hope you're lyin' there
and the truck driver's

gotta revive you, but
he's got Ebola and AIDS.

That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil.

I hope you get truck-driver Ebola.

Shut the fuck up, Grandma!

Hey.

I am not gonna shut up.

Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year.

You want your Nazi
kidney back, Uncle Phil?

Someone get me a box cutter

and some bathtub bourbon right now!

Yeah!

I'm gonna cut this kidney out.

I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil.

I couldn't believe how we
were treating each other.

And then this morning, I woke up happy

'cause I realized the comet

that's gonna destroy Humanity

is already on its way.

Oh, there's a giant rock coming, people.

Oh, yeah, it's happened
five times in the past,

destroyed everything.

It's not God, God's
not flippin' that rock.

Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday,

I'm gonna jack this place up.

You guys better start having sex

through a hole in a sheet again

or I'm gonna blow torch this place.

Only the Mormons are
gonna survive this shit.

(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)

No.

There is!

There is actually a giant rock
in space right now in orbit,

and one day is gonna pound into the Earth,

and when it hits, it's gonna destroy

a million species instantly and Kanye.

(audience cheering)

I get it.

I know he earned it.

Then it's gonna set
the atmosphere on fire,

and that's gonna burn until
almost all of us are gone,

and the survivors are gonna have

to live in an impact winter for an eon,

till there's only three of us left:

two guys and a girl.

(audience whooping)

And you think they're
gonna restart humanity,

but no, both guys are gay.

So, they're gonna kill the girl for food

and steal her skinny jeans.

And then slowly make their
way to Boca Raton, Florida

where they're gonna live
out their final gay days

wearing Speedos and shimmying
to Katy Perry dance mixes

on a solar-powered iPod.

And when the last game man dies,

that'll be at for Humanity.

Everything we have done,
everything we have built, gone,

just another grain of
sand in an empty universe

full of useless effort.

And that's how I'm dealing
with the election (chuckles).

Oh, come on, you know it was a bad one

when a planet-killing meteor
is my optimistic plan.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Oh, come on!

I don't care what side you're on,

and by the way, there's
only one side: American.

That's the only side there is.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

But the last four people
running for president, my God.

I could've picked four better candidates

by just throwing a tennis ball

into a severe trauma brain injury award.

Just chuck it in,

whoever goes, ball, and
giggles, you're our candidate.

Come on out.

You got a good attitude.

You knew what a fuckin' ball was.

Come on, let's admit it.

Ted Cruz?

Ted Cruz?

- Whoa!
- Ted Cruz!

Every man in this room
knows a guy like Ted Cruz,

who just roams the
Earth with this sentence

constantly playing in his head:

no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again,

no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again.

And if they do, I'm gonna tattle.

Nyah!

Then you had Hillary, who's
got this wake of bodies

behind her, allegedly.

Allegedly!

Allegedly, I'm sayin' allegedly
'cause I don't wanna die

in a suspicious one-car accident.

(audience applauding)

I know.

Yeah.
(audience cheering)

I know.

They're gonna find me an empty parking lot

leaning against my car door,

trunk carpet fibers all over my body,

suicide note written in
a language I don't speak.

Allegedly.

Allegedly!

And then you had Trump,
who was pretty amazing.

He made it to the entire election

without finishing a fucking sentence.

It was insane.

Wrong, didn't happen,
beautiful, best ever,

reciprocal.

Nobody peed on me.

Oh, oh, oh, that was almost a sentence.

Nice job, dude.

Yeah, we have a president

with no military experience

and no political experience,
but he has jazz hands.

♪ When you're a Jet,
you're a Jet all the way ♪

What is that?

And I have to be honest.

I feel bad for you Trump people

'cause you know damn well every time

that man heads towards a microphone,

you have anxiety, don't you?

(audience laughing)

And man, how many teleprompter guys

have shot themself in the
face working with that dude?

'Cause he's on the speech for a minute.

He's like, he's on the speech.

He's on the speech.

He's on the speech.

And then, oh, my God, he's gonna improv.

No!

(imitates gunfire banging)

And then you had Bernie; I like Bernie.

I thought Bernie was cool.

At the end, at the end, though,

at the end though, after
all that crap, though,

didn't Bernie come across

like a real grumpy model train enthusiast?

Couldn't you just see him

in the basement of the White House?

Toot toot.

Mr. President, Vladimir
Putin's on the phone.

I told you don't bother me

when I'm playing with my trains.

This job takes up all my time.

I'd like to keep 1%, thank you.

And I had friends get crazy, too.

I had friends, after the election,

they got real fatalistic.

They just started yelling crazy stuff.

They're like, good, you know what?

I'm glad the insane guy won.

Good.

Let's just burn it down
and start over, man.

Good.

Let's just nuke the whole
thing and begin again.

Woo!

As fun as that sounds,

I don't think it's gonna
go the way you think.

Do you know why people
say stupid crap like that?

Those damn Road Warrior movies.

Yeah, we think we're
gonna survive Armageddon.

In fact, every man in
this room, right now,

believes he's gonna be
Mad Max in the apocalypse.

(men cheering)

Every single one.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I got seven guns

and a case of Clif Bars, follow me.

Come on, let's go.

Well, hold on.

I gotta tweet my followers.

Let me tweet my followers.

Yeah, 'cause in 2018, (wheezy gasping),

we all have followers just like Jesus.

Did they help you move?

Did they lie for you in court?

Then they ain't followers, are they?

(audience applauding)

It's crazy.

You guys...
(audience whooping)

You guys do realize what
these phones have done

to us now, selfie, selfie, selfie.

Is it any surprise we elected

the most narcissistic
human being on the planet?

Selfie, selfie, selfie.

Get some damn friends.

Take some them-ies and us-ies.

Come on, goddammit.

Take more we-sies.

You get who we are now, right?

We now take pictures of ourselves

to send to people we don't know,

to see what they think about us.

Did you get that picture
of me that I took of me?

It's on my Instagram under
Christopher Titus dot me.

Please comment,

on me.

Like me.

Follow me.

You know who does that?

Psychopaths, that's who does that.

Or The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook.

Those road, and by the way, gentleman,

you don't wanna be Mad Max.

Mad Max is always half a criminal.

He's always busted up.

Looks like Rob Zombie

after a bad white water
rafting accident, you know?

He's always got a leg brace,

am eye patch made out of his old kneecap.

He's got a hole blown through his head

that he stuffed with a booby-trap grenade

so when he gets caught,

he can say cool things like,

go ahead, pull the pin.

You'll blow both our minds.

He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy

with metal sticking off of it,

some drifter changed to it,

following him through the wasteland.

Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy

'cause Mad Max's dog sits
in the passenger seat,

his two-legged dog that they
haven't Killed for food yet

'cause it's still got
one good front left leg

and one good right back leg

so it balances like a shitty
table at a Chinese restaurant.

I want that dog, honestly.

I think those Road Warrior movies,

I think they're trying to
get us ready for Armageddon

and how come everybody has a cool haircut

in the apocalypse?

All those movies, we can't
find clean drinking water

but everybody gets a Mohawk,

or spikes, or shaved with your name in it.

So Army Rangers and Navy
Seals didn't make it

through the apocalypse but
somehow stylists pulled it off?

I was at the shampoo station.

I heard a noise.

I hid under a desk.

I don't know what happened.

Now I'm chained to this
asshole's dune buggy.

I don't get this at all.

What are we doing?

And that last Road
Warrior movie, Fury Road?

Fury Road aside, gentlemen,

there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.

- Now...

- Oh no, all the skinny hot
chicks died of malnutrition,

lack of moisturizer, and ChapStick.

(audience cheering)

That's right.

And all that's left is those
tube-titty bison females

that used to roam the
cheese aisle at Walmart.

And they're not around either.

They're looked in in a room somewhere,

getting milked to feed the bad guy's kids.

Did you see the movie?

'Cause that scene is in the movie.

So, now when you watch the
movie, you're gonna giggle.

When I saw it, I didn't have me,

so I went (guttural gagging).

That movie pissed me off,

and so in the middle of
the apocalyptic wasteland,

four smoking hot runway models show up?

That does it even happened in porn.

And they're all beautiful,

Their makeup's perfect.

They're well-adjusted.

They all get along,

Well, now I know it's a movie.

They're all wearing hemp butt-thongs,

barely raped at all.

Come on!

In the apocalypse?

Let me be very clear.

I love women.

I think women are by far the better sex.

(audience whooping)
I think they are, yes.

But...

In the apocalypse there's
gonna be some rapin'.

And I know sometimes I'm gonna be

on the weeping side of that raping.

I know that.

I know that.

You can't look like this
and not expect that.

I know.

I know, sir, my mouth is gorgeous.

I know!

And how are you Millennials
gonna survive the apocalypse?

There's no app.

(audience laughing)

Yeah.

Millennials hate that joke, really.

Shut up, I'll be fine.

I do what I always do, man.

Get up, get my 2/3 decaf latte,

trim my lumberjack beard,

call an Uber and make it, brother.

My mom said I could be anything.

And I got a participation
trophy to prove that.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

Yeah (chuckling).

A lot of you Millennials
can barely light a candle

let alone change a tire.

How the hell are you gonna
distill drinking water

from a rusted hot tub your dead neighbor

is still floating in?

You can't cook and eat
your girlfriend's Shitzu

if the microwave doesn't work.

Doesn't even beep anymore.

You better get on the internet.

(horrified gasping) There's no internet!

So, can we all stop talking
about burning our country down

'cause it's getting this crazy?

'Cause only two people win
in the apocalypse: Mad Max

and the guy with the goat-head
skull ventilator thing

and that's about it.

The rest of us ground up into dust

and our bodies used to
pave the road to Valhalla.

So instead of talking about
burning our country down,

how 'bout we all just come together

and fix this bitch called America?

How 'bout that?

(audience cheering)
Yeah.

Fix this bitch.

Fix this bitch.

- Fix this bitch.

Fix this bitch.

Fix this bitch.

- Build a wall!

Yes, we can!

I win her!

Blood and soil!

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think we all learned this year,

if you can break your
idea down to three words,

dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.

(laughing)

Oh, come on!

Nazis are back.

We had khaki-pant wearing polo shirt Nazis

out there this year.

That was insane.

That was insane.

I don't think, they couldn't
all be Nazis, you know?

I think some of them
were Best Buy employees

walking through the park on the way home,

and they just got sucked into the chant.

They're like, blood and soil!

Are we gardeners, what are we doing?

Gimme a torch, blood and soil.

What are we doin'?

Was a weird year, wasn't it?

We had so much weird stuff happening,

hurricanes lining up off the coast

like they're waiting for
rides at Disneyland, man.

They ran out of names at one point.

They're like, what do we name this one?

Zitigua, I don't know!

It was insane.

And the country, we were
getting along so well.

God we haven't gotten along this good

since the Manson family
picnic with the Tates.

(audience groaning)

(sporadic applause)

Well, really?

You mad?

Oh, shut up.

I waited 50 years to tell that joke.

You guys can't be mad at
a 50-year-old reference.

My God.

World Health Organization
proved that meat causes cancer.

Great, then the Super Bowl barbecue

is just a smoky-flavored war crime.

Course none of us have
to worry about cancer

'cause climate change
gonna drown half of us

and set the other half on fire.

Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't exist.

It's a bad year.

Prince is dead.

Prince can't die, he's imaginary.

And here's the sad thing for me.

I thought we were doing so well.

Human beings were doing,

we're amazing, the stuff we do.

I have a phone in my pocket right now,

I hit one button,

calls anywhere in the planet in a second.

While I'm doing that, I can watch a video

of a young child hitting
his father in the testicles

with a Wiffle ball bat.

That is next level human being.

We eradicated polio, got rid of smallpox,

made it possible to live with AIDS,

but we cannot crack the code

on the vaccine for stupid, can we?

How do you know if you're stupid?

Well, if your 10th grade English teacher

helped you write your
third birth announcement,

(pained groaning)

you're an idiot.

(audience applauding)

If you spell pregnant, preeg-nart,

that's another hint.

I'll tell you what this
last election proved to me.

It proved to me what I'm not.

I'm not a Democrat.

I'm not a Republican.

I'm not a conservative, not a liberal.

I'm not a hobbit.

I'm not a orc.

I'm not Slytherin.

I'm not Gryffindor.

And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, screw that
imaginary group of people.

I'm an independent, 100%.

I believe in the death penalty.

(crowd cheering)
Yes.

I believe in the death penalty,

but I also believe that
when you get convicted

of the death penalty,

they should put you in a penalty box

and you get beaten to
death by hockey players.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

But if it's lethal injection,

it should be organic and gluten-free.

Somebody might have an
allergy, you don't know.

I'm getting kinda itchy in here.

My last meal was supposed
to have a Claritin.

I believe in abortion

but only if the mother is exercising

her Second Amendment
rights while performing it.

(nervous laughing)

(scattered applause)

Well.

Well.

I guess somebody loves the Constitution

a lot more than other people in Arizona.

When I wrote that joke,

I knew it was gonna get that reaction.

And my brain went, say it anyway,

and I said, okay.

Let me tell you the problem
with America right now.

It's the same problem throughout history.

The problem with America
right now is they,

they who run things.

You, know all they want is money,

all they want is power.

They all have small penises, even Hillary.

She's swinging something.

They're the ones who start the wars.

They're the one who crashed the economy.

Did you crash the economy, sir?

- Nope.
- No, what do you

do for a living?

- Maintenance.
- Maintenance. (laughing)

That's kinda vague.

Sounds kinda drug dealer-y, right there.

What do you do, maintenance.

Do you need some more?

Good, I got some, here you go.

You maintaining, all right.

Maintenance, of course you
didn't crash the economy.

Did the start the Iraq War, dude?

No, of course you didn't.

You worked at Ruby Tuesdays

and pray to God the
hostess wasn't pregnant.

I swear to God that's what you did.

No, course we didn't.

We never have anything to do with that.

It's always they, and who are they?

Well, in America's history,

they are always old, ancient,
silver-haired white men.

A lot of 'em are Draculas.

And they all have that thing
(tenor vocal burbling).

I called the Sith Lord flap.

Paul Ryan's got a little one.
(falsetto vocal burbling)

Obama had one.

He just calmed it back, cool.

He made it look good.

Mitch McConnell, (heavy
bass vocal burbling).

All right, I don't want
to make too much fun

of Mitch McConnell 'cause I loved his work

as the pelican in Finding Nemo.

Awesome.

That's who they are,

and what they did this year,

I've never seen it this bad.

They convinced everybody in America

it was us versus them,

Democrats verus Republicans,

Republicans versus Democrats.

We couldn't get along.

In fact, everybody in this room right now

has an opinion about
someone who doesn't agree

with them politically.

Am I right?

Hell, yeah.

Every conservative in this room

is a four-wheel truck driving,
sister-screwing redneck

and every liberal eats kale salad

out the butt of his boyfriend.

Am I right?

(audience cheering)

Yeah.

Drizzled in raspberry balsamic, come on!

That's what we think about each other.

It's crazy.

Same ol', same country, same people, too.

If I asked you, if I asked you liberals

to get up here and do an
impression of a conservative,

you guys would lose your minds.

Oh, my God, lemme do it, lemme do it,

lemme do it, lemme do it, lemme do it.

I'm doin' it.

I'm gonna do it, I'm just sayin'.

Don't make me laugh,
Marcia, I got this, okay.

Stop it.

All right, my impression
of a conservative.

(audience laughing)

Well, I went to the Walmarts

and I got me a seventh gun,

then headed down to Plan
Obama at the abortion clinic.

Then I went way downtown and kicked

a young black feller in
the testiculars, yep.

Now I'm going out to a KKK rally

at a Ted Nugent concert

where I'm gonna shoot me
an endangered species.

Yee-haw!

(audience cheering)

You would think...

If I asked you
conservatives to get up here

and do an impression of a liberal,

you guys would beat each other's ass

to get on the stage.

(imitating punching thuds)

Shut up, Bobby, I'm doin' it.

'Cause I'm better at it than you.

Go ahead get up.

All right, here's my
impression of a liberal.

(glass dings)

(harsh nasal snorting)

Was that round one?

What the hell just happened?

All right, my impression of liberal.

Here we go. (harsh throat hacking)

I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh.

All right, liberal (heavy grunting).

Here we go.

Oh my God, you won't
believe what happened.

I was at my job helping
the lesbian manatees

and somebody used the word Oriental

and I lost my shit.

I went down to the ACLU

and I filed a hate crime, goddammit.

And I was so upset on the way
home, I adopted a petting zoo.

(snorting laugh)

I actually have a lama that's a rescue.

Now I'm on my way downtown,

'cause inside, I'm really a
woman and I am transitioning,

and I will use any damn bathroom I want,

and I will molest children like I work

for the U.S. Olympic Committee.

(audience groaning)

Really?

(audience cheering)

Be mad all you want, at least I'm current.

I don't know anybody like that.

I take that back, I know
three people like that.

Two live in Prescott, Arizona,

one lives in Berkeley.

And I'm related to one of 'em.

I don't know anybody like that.

You know, it's not us
and them, the people,

it's we the people,

and we forgot that.

And be clear, we do not have to agree

but we have to get along
or this shit burns down.

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

But, if we could get together

and show up in Washington together,

red baseball hats, pink pussy hats,

how ya doin'?

Yeah we worked our stuff out,

and I gotta be honest.

I love lavender organic
potpourri, I ain't lyin'.

And I don't think meat is murder anymore

unless you eat people.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

We?

We show up, they are fucked.

They wouldn't know--
(audience whooping)

Yeah.

They wouldn't know what to do.

They'd have to have a meeting.

The meeting would go like
this (rapid tenor burbling).

(falsetto burbling)

And then after that meeting,

they would do what they always
do when we go after they.

They would invent a new them.

Over there.

Always a brown them.

Have you noticed?

Oh yeah, Iraq, brown them,

Vietnam, brown them.

We're all worried about
the brown them of Mexico

coming across the border right now.

Yeah, it's all brown them.

Man, we're all scared to death

of a North Korean Asian weird haircutted,

weird little fat guy them.

Anybody here really afraid of North Korea?

'Cause I got to be honest.

I can throw a Frisbee farther

than North Korea can launch a missile.

(audience applauding)

(audience whistling)

With a ton more accuracy.

That's why Japan was mad.

They didn't care about a nuke,

they don't know he doesn't have it.

They were like, he don't
know where it gonna go.

Got to worry about the
brown them in Syria.

Syria's got chemical weapons.

Syria has always had chemical weapons.

And they been at war
with a bunch of people

they can't beat with Russians helping.

The guys they're fighting
are attacking them

driving Toyota pickup trucks.

Gimme two boys from
Tennessee and one tank.

We will jack up some Toyota pickup trucks.

(audience applauding)

Yeah, but that's the way they do it.

That's the way they keep we separate,

talking about the them, you know?

And also, that the brown them

always hates our white Jesus.

Remember that, oh, they hate Christianity.

Oh, the brown them hates Christianity,

they hate the white Jesus.

And I have to say this,

white Jesus in the Middle
East, in the desert?

Really?

Is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn

because had Jesus shown up at that time,

this color, they woulda
killed him a lot faster.

(audience whooping)

The Bible would have been a pamphlet.

Woulda looked like a Bed
Bath & Beyond coupon.

I don't know.

They're handing out Bibles.

Says I get 20% off my immortal soul.

That's pretty good.

I'm gonna put that in a drawer.

It's good till April a.d.

So, don't buy it,

'cause this whole thing
that's going on right now

with our government is gonna get weirder.

Stay we.

Don't let they distract you with the them.

And one more thing: do not
tell they we talked about this.

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

I may disappear.

Or they will turn me into a them,

and then I'll be in
Russia with Edward Snowden

going, you got any threes?

Weird time.

Weird time, weird time.

Poorly-educated got
pissed during election.

They kept saying that on the news,

the poorly-educated are
voting big for Trump.

The poorly-educated love Trump,

they're voting through the roof for Trump.

They poorly-educated
think Trump is amazing.

Say what you want about
Trump, like him or hate him,

you have to admit this man has no filter

and the biggest balls of
anybody we put in that office.

(audience applauding)

Yeah, yeah.

So did Hitler.

Don't clap.

I got a lot of friends that got big balls

and I don't invite 'em over to
parties at my house anymore,

because the cops follow.

Trump had the balls to
get on stage in front

of thousands of people
after that poll came out

and he said, "I love the poorly-educated.

"I love the poorly-educated."

And the poorly-educated
were like, he loves us.

And he made fun of us
in the same sentence.

I think he did, I ain't sure.

I'm poorly-educated.

I got to be honest with you,

I don't love the poorly-educated.

They're dumb as shit.

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)
(audience whooping)

And they have never helped, not one time.

Nothing cool was ever
invented by a dumbass.

Never happen.

They've never cured a disease.

They didn't fix your car better.

They didn't fix your phone.

You know, when the poorly-educated

do built something, it always falls over

and crushes the meth lab, every time!

The poorly-educated can suck my left nut,

thank you very much.

And, why can I talk smack
about the poorly-educated?

Because I, ha ha, am one of them.

(audience whooping)
(audience applauding)

Yes!

I am the poorly-educated Lizard King.

I'm not making that up,
I'm not making that,

I did not graduate high school.

I was let go.

I was laid off from my senior year.

I showed up and they went,
we filled your position.

Said, but I'm not done.

Oh, yes, you are.

And I'm not making that up.

California public schools,
at that time, were so bad.

It didn't matter what grade you got,

they just kept herding
you through the system.

They're like, moo-ve.

Moo-ve!

Couldn't spell move, but I was movin' on.

I'm not making this up.

And I'm not stupid, obviously,

but I'm uneducated, you know?

I was just smart enough to
know I was a raging idiot.

I'm not making this up.

My last report card of my 8th grade year,

I got four Fs and a D,

and I was like, D!

And I went to my teachers,

ah, I guess I'll be back next year.

They went, no, no, no,
you're a ninth grader now.

- Yeah!

- Nine is the number after eight.

So, I had to get smart after school

because I wanted to be a comedian.

And just to be clear, this is the only job

I am qualified to do.

And I've already pissed some
of you off doing it tonight.

But as a comedian, you have to know

what you're talkin about.

You can't just make stuff up.

You can't be like, Abe Lincoln

was the best Cambodian
president we ever had.

You know?

'Member the kimchi wars of 1312

we signed the Declaration of Codependence?

That was insane.

You just look like a dumbass.

So to be good at comedy,
so I was accurate,

I started studying after school.

I did, I went back and I studied history,

and science, and math.

I haven't written a
whole lot of math jokes.

And when I did, the exponent was wrong.

And that's the only math
joke I have ever written.

(audience cheering)

Thank you very much.

And I don't understand it.

So now, when I want to write
comedy about something,

I have to study it really hard,

and I've been studying the
alt-right for the while now,

the alternate right.

They said, Trump got
helped by the alt-right.

The alternative right helped Trump.

If you don't know what the alt-right is,

best definition I can give you

is it rhymes with all white.

Let's leave it there.

And thank God.

Thank God somebody is finally standing up

for the oppressed white man in America.

We have had that boot heel of oppression

on our necks for how long, gentlemen?

My God, we haven't committed genocide

on a brown people in a coon's age!

Am I right?

(audience laughing)

(audience whooping)

Let's a white guilt flow, whitey, come on.

Yeah, amazing to me.

240 years of white presidents.

We had a one black guy
and whitey had a stroke.

43 white guys, one black guy,

and white people are
like, no more black guys,

no more black guys, no, no, no.

Why? Why?

I'll tell you why, the NBA and golf.

Right there, that's why, right there.

And those sisters took over tennis,

and North Korea's got ping pong.

All we got left is white guys,

and you throw that thing on the ice,

and you sweep in front of it.

That's all we got.

That's all we got!

Look like idiots.

And a woman president?

Are you out of your (blows raspberries).

No, no, no, I don't care if
she most qualified we ever had.

Emails, Benghazi, Bill
Clinton's deplorable penis, ah!

(audience laughing)

Yeah, we didn't want a
vagina in the White House

so we voted for the
other side of the taint.

(audience groaning)

(audience chortling)
(audience applauding)

Good joke.

Good joke.

Good joke.

I know, even the Trump people
gotta be like, all right.

That's a good joke,
that's a really good joke.

Lemme tell you how good
that joke actually is.

So, I got rid of my old
show, Born with a Defect.

I wrote it and filmed
it, just got rid of it.

And I always write new stuff

'cause I always want you guys to come back

and see new material.

You know, it's not fair to you guys,

keep me repeating stuff.

So, I wrote the new show,

and I've been doing this so long

I don't check where I go anymore.

So, that Monday, I called my agent.

I go, where am I going this weekend?

He goes, Alabama.

(audience laughing)

No.

I am not going to Alabama

because Kevlar is expensive.

But if you know me at all,

you know damn well I'm going to Alabama.

I figure if I get shot,

I'll be super famous,

and I could really use a bump right now.

Yeah, I've been I've been thinking

about sexually assaulted
somebody just for the press.

Sign up sheet at the door, ladies.

Or dudes, let's get weird,
whatever you wanna do.

So, I go to Alabama.

First night, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama,

and the show was so raw at the time.

I have 40 new pages, I'm
reading them off a stool.

And I think that's what saved me,

'cause in Alabama, they couldn't
believe I could do that.

(audience laughing)

They were like, he looks at the paper

and then says what it says.

He's like a warlock.

And I wish I was only being
half truthful about that joke.

The second night, though, I
went to Huntsville, Alabama.

Huntsville, Alabama is different

because you don't wanna
just make fun of Alabama,

'cause it's got all the aerospace there,

Lockheed is there, you know,

and all this crazy
aerospace, NASA's there.

So in Huntsville, Alabama

it's rednecks and rocket scientists,

and they been a-minglin' since the '60s.

So you meet some weird ass
people in Huntsville, Alabama.

Yeah, we figured out the
orbit of Alpha Centauri

for the next 1,500 years

and my mama makes a damn
good lizard cornbread.

So, I go to Huntsville.

It's a brand new club.

I'm the opening, grand opening

because they know Titus is
gonna tell goofy stories

about his dad. (chuckling)

And I'm doing this show.

And it was going well.

There's some smart people in the audience.

Everybody's cool, you know?

They were laughing, a lot of 'em.

There was like nine people
that really enjoyed it.

And there was a table right over here

of eight people and these people looked

like they had swamp-boated in.

I am not kidding.

Everything you think Alabama
is was sitting at that table.

One guy had a beard this long,

looked like Uncle Jesse
from Dukes of Hazzard.

I keep calling him Duck
Dynasty the whole show.

Audience laughs, he doesn't laugh

'cause he thinks it's a compliment.

But the man next to
him is this giant Bubba

wearing a red white and blue jersey

that says 45 and Trump
across the shoulder.

(audience groans in dismay)

And I'm doing this show.

Both guys are watching the show like this.

I get to that joke.

Ah, didn't want a vagina
in the White House

so we voted for the
other side of the taint.

And the guy with the beard goes...

All right, goddammit, that's pretty funny.

All right, (mumbles).

And I was like, comedy
can heal the nation, yes!

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

Yes!

Punchlines will bring us together.

We will bridge the chasm with sarcasm.

So, let's talk about the
alt-right for a second.

The alt-right is a group of white guys

that believe America should be

a all-white country
like it always has been

because they don't read a lot.

They don't like immigration, brown people,

black people, and Jews.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they
hate political correctness.

They wanna keep it ra-zeal.

Really?

You hate political correctness,

and why would you call
yourself the alternative right?

You sound like a shitty
Miley Cyrus metal cover band.

We're the alt-right and
we're gonna rock you.

Because if you don't like immigration,

brown people, black people, and Jews,

the non-political-correct term is Nazi.

You're a Nazi.

And, and, hey.

I'm not calling you a Nazi.

Let's just go to the chart
'cause it matches exactly.

In fact, if you didn't know
that's what a Nazi was,

you guys are like Nazi-stradamus.

That's amazing to me.

And why would you spend
all that money and time

marketing a new name when
you already got a logo

that everybody knows?

And that real cool high five?

Come on, man.

(audience applauding)

I love it.

The alternative right,

we don't call serial
killers cadaver creators.

You guys don't buy your drugs
from a street CEO, do you?

Yes, I scored my meth
today from the president

of the company and his office
is behind the Dumpster.

I believe they're remodeling.

If you're a Nazi, just say you're a Nazi,

you fuckin' Nazi.

I can't believe they're coming back, man.

That Charlottesville thing,

that was a ragtag ass group
of Nazis, was that not?

That was not the varsity.

I have never been
offended for Nazis before.

Those guys needed a seminar, man.

They need like a Tony Robbins
Nazi to help their ass out.

I would like to welcome
everyone to the seminar!

I would like to point
some of you were late.

Nazis aren't late!

Now, I have a couple of
announcements before we get started.

At the break we will be having juice.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

You don't like juice?

I love fresh-squeezed juice.

So Nazis, let's talk about the details.

I saw the Charlottesville
video, and all I have to say

is (rapid tsking).

Details.

Nazis do not wear Lynyrd
Skynyrd tee-shirts.

We hate the Lynyrd Skynyrd.

We like the Eagles.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Yes.

It's on all the logos.

Some other details:

I saw the flags you were flying.

Yes, yes I saw the flags you were flying,

the Confederate flag,

(speaks in foreign
language) the Nazi flag.

Which, by the way, don't tell anyone,

were two of the biggest
historic losers of all time.

Sh.

But I noticed as you were flying the flag,

they were all wrinkled

(speaks in foreign language) crinkled.

Details.

Nazis, if you're going to hate, steam.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

That is my favorite joke of the new show.

(audience cheering)

And well...

There's a lot of reasons
why they say Trump won.

It's not because he's the best guy.

There's a lot of reasons.

They said, oh, he won because
Obamacare was too bad.

I disagree, I think it's
'cause Obamacare was too good.

I'm not making this up.

The top 10 states that voted for Trump

are also the top 10 states

with the highest
prescription opioid abuse,

so Obamacare was working its ass off.

People had all their drugs
in Costco quantities.

And here's what bothers me about that:

you get busted for driving high

but you can vote high whenever you want>

That's where we need
some damn checkpoints,

at the voting booth.

Have just troopers lined up,

the wrong guy comes in.

Woo, I'm here to vote for my man, Don T.

Sir, can you step out of line, please sir?

Yes sir, step over here, sir.

I'm gonna give you a voter
sobriety test right now.

No, sir, there's no spelling, relax.

(audience whooping)

Sir, I'm gonna ask you a couple question

and based on your answers,

we're gonna determine
whether you're capable

of voting in an American election.

Are you ready?

Sir, do you think 9/11 was a hoax?

Hell, yeah and then chem
trails killed my dog.

Get on the floor, right now!

Get on the floor!

Get on the floor!

Back away from the booth, right now!

Yeah.

Yeah, I got one.

Can I tase him?

(imitates electric buzzing)
Sorry, I tased him.

No, no, no, we're good,
my body camera was off.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Yeah?

So, here's what I think
happened in those states.

Pico woke up the day after the election,

like damn, baby, what
did we do last night?

Why I can barely feel my right leg.

That was a good night.

I don't remember nothing.

You remember anything?

Whoo, ha ha.

Baby, I got a sticker on
my forehead says I voted.

Quick, let's see what happened.

Turn on the learnin' box.

(audience laughing)

And the news was crazy.

The news says things this last election,

I didn't get it.

They kept saying things like,

the disenfranchised white
male worker's voting big,

big for Trump.

The disenfranchised white male

from the rust belt states just loves Trump

and is voting big.

The disenfranchised white male.

How come when I black guy
doesn't have a job, he's lazy,

but when I white guy doesn't have a job,

he's disenfranchised?

No, I'm not unemployed.

I'm disenfranchised and this
is an amazing Chardonnay.

Black people, I have to be honest,

it's the only time in my life,

it's the one reason I'm happy I'm white.

That's my word, I use it all the time.

No, no, no my ex-wife did not cheat on me,

she disenfranchised me
with two other gentlemen.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Yes, and then, her lawyer disenfranchised

the shit out of my bank account.

It was a bad year.

I was bent over a table and
repeatedly disenfranchised.

(audience whooping)

Such a bullshit word, man.

It sounds like the Taco Bell
near you got closed down,

doesn't it?

No more Gorditas, guys,
we've been disenfranchised.

But there's a grain of truth in it,

there's a grain of truth
in that reason, man.

You know why, 'cause in America

we are taught from the second we're born

you can be or do anything in America.

The American dream, right?

The land of opportunity, you can be in it.

If you start with zero,
you could be a millionaire.

In America, you can be anything.

And after you hear that your whole life,

you find yourself 40, 50 years
old, you haven't made it.

You're pissed.

I was there when I was 18, frankly.

No, because we had this kid in our school,

Rod Kana-maka-pua.

Yeah, he was Hawaiian,
so he was a brown them.

Ho-ho.

And then I found out Hawaii was a state,

so I let that go.

But Rod was our valedictorian.

Straight A student,
lettered in four sports.

On top of that, he was a nice guy.

Fuck him.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

We all know that, yet I was
mad at him for a long time,

'cause he went to MIT,
full-ride scholarship,

started a company, made a bunch of money.

And I remember being mad
for a long time at this guy,

and then one day, I woke up to the fact

I can't be mad at somebody
who went to class,

got a degree and started a company

while I bought four jet
skis at 21% interest.

I could have gone to a
community college, you know,

but instead I moved to a rural area

where things were cheaper,

and there's a lot of people like me.

You know, pasty, furry, angry,

smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon
and misspelled tattoos.

And we'd sit around
after the game on Sunday

and bitch about the elites
running crap, we'd say

and then we play another
round of racial slur Jeopardy!

Yeah.

Yeah, we talked about the minorities

sucking at the government tit, we'd say,

as we folded our welfare
checks into our wallets,

not seeing the irony or knowing

what irony means, ironically.

And while we did that,
the nerds, and the geeks,

and the elites did impossible things

like read and not get DUIs

while I let my fourth girlfriend pop out

our seventh little diaper-filler,

then scream get them
kids outta my meth lab!

That's my man cave,

plus, I just rebuilt it.

It might fall over and crush another one.

You don't know.

And then one day, I woke up angry,

bitter, unemployed, in debt, racist.

But I still had Netflix.

I'm gonna have to be honest
with everybody tonight.

In America, if you're a white man

and you can't make something
happen in this country...

(chuckling)

It ain't China.

It ain't Mexico.

It ain't NAFTA.

It ain't TBP.

In America, if you're a capable white man

and you can't make something
happen, that's on you.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

That's on you, sorry.

And...

Do you wanna know how I know that?

I am a D/F student.

On paper, I should be
being forcibly snuggled

in a penitentiary right now,

and you guys paid to see me.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

That's America.

That's America.

I love this country, best place ever.

I've been all over the world.

This is the best.

You want to know how good America is?

Let me explain to you how good America is.

In America, if you don't have a job,

you can walk out into the middle

of the Home Depot parking lot,

stand there, and a job will drive up.

(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)

(audience whooping)

Why, yes, I am disenfranchised.

I would love to help
you dig a sewer trench

in your backyard.

Manuel, after you.

Manuel, you do realize
I'm the foreman, right?

That's a little joke for
the alternative right,

that's for you guys, there you go.

(audience cheering)

I love this country.

There's no other place in the world

I could do what I do
and be successful at it.

And you know what I
hate more than anything?

When people insult America.

Don't you hate it when
people insult America?

I know what you hate, don't you hate it

when people insult this
country, don't you?

I hate it, man.

Make America Great Again.

Fuck you, it's great right now.

What are you talking about?

Have you been here?
(audience cheering)

Pissed me off, man.

This is the best country in the world,

and I want you to know I love it

more than anything, and that's why tonight

will be my last comedy show,

because tomorrow,

I start running for president
of these United States.

(audience cheering)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, thank you.

Now, why should I be president?

Well, didn't we all look at the TV

at one point in last two years

and go, fuck, I can do this?

I'm a lot like him, tall
white guy with a giant head.

There you go.

My hands are bigger, sorry.

And you're welcome.

(audience laughing)

I'm a lot like him.

I say stupid, crazy, insane
shit on stage all the time,

but that's where him
and I differ, you know?

We start to split off there.

I don't have any bankruptcies.

I pay my taxes, late, but I pay 'em,

plus penalties (angry growling).

I don't have any rape cases to settle.

(audience whooping)
(audience applauding)

I don't have some fake-ass
college con to pay off.

I have never paid off a porn star,

but I have been paid by one.

I'm only on my second wife.

And I only grab pussy
when it asks politely,

(loud cheering)

which is the number one rule of that.

I'm also not part of
any group, either, man.

You know, I'm not.

I'm not part of any Dem/Repub or whatever.

And no one's paying me.

I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona.

Yeah, I'm a pure America, 100%, man.

You know, I'm not part of any group.

I believe what Groucho Marx said:

I would never be part of any group

that would have me as a member.

Great joke.

You know, I did try to
join Black Lives Matter.

That was a long interview, man.

But a good leader listens,

so I went to a couple meetings

and I sat there and I just listened

to what they were talking.

When they said how do we
stop being mad about slavery?

I said, let's have a white sale.

Yeah, it didn't...

Yeah, it didn't...

It didn't go the way I
thought it would, you know?

And I thought it was real funny,

'cause it was also Easter.

That's hilarious.

I'm not a racist or bigot.

The only people I think
should be killed instantly

are family law attorneys
and Toyota Prius drivers.

That's it, right there.

I'm sorry, you Toyota Prius people,

do you know what you do to the highways,

do you have any?

You just screw things up,

they you clear it, and we all go, uh.

And then you come back.

You're like the herpes of the
highway, that's what you are.

Here are three things you are
never gonna hear in your life:

whoa, look at that bad-ass Prius.

Whoa, that Prius is hauling ass

and that driver seems so competent.

Dude, I got my new Prius,
bring on the ladies.

Three things never heard.

I do blame the Prius for
part of the election.

Here's the thing, I did not understand

about why people were frustrated.

They keep talking about
everyone's frustrated.

Well, you look at the history,

eight years before this last election,

our economy had crashed,
and then at the end of that,

housing had gone up.

It was 20% higher than
it was before the crash,

and the stock market had tripled,

and unemployment had gone from 12% to 5%.

We'd saved General Motors and Chrysler.

Bin Laden got killed.

Why were people frustrated?

Toyota Prius.

Every Prius I've ever been
behind at a stoplight,

that light turns green,

takes at least six seconds to drive away.

Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?

You're behind that idiot: One, two, three,

four, five, go!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

20 million Priuses on the
road, 200 million drivers,

that means a lot of us are
behind these idiots all the time,

and after a day of it, you don't
know what's wrong with you,

you're just in a bad mood,

and you get home and your wife goes,

what's the matter with you?

I don't know, it just feels
like I can't get anywhere

in America anymore, you know?

I just can't get ahead.

I'm stopped at every turn, goddammit.

I don't know what to do.

I'm gonna vote for a
reality television star.

Is Snooki running?

- I'd run.

- Then sweet potato Hitler it is.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, I know, too rough, too far, too far.

And in fact, if I could get
two family law attorneys

go get in opposing Priuses

and have an 80 mile-an-hour
head-on collision,

oh, that would make me hard.

I'm a pure American.

I love capitalism and democracy.

Yeah, that's why I should be
a good president, you know?

I hate communism, any
ideology where you have

to wait in line for toilet
paper is very oppressive

and very pro skid mark.

I also don't believe in
trickle-down economics.

I had to read about it, though.

I've been hearing about it since Reagan.

I actually spent three weeks,

I can break down trickle-down economics

to you guys in one sentence.

Are you ready?
- No.

(audience member whoops)

- If we give rich people more money,

they will give it to poor people.

Even the poorly-educated are like,

well, that sound like bullshit.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Anyway.

How 'bout you give it to us,

we'll trickle it up.

Only trickle-down I believe in

is when I leave the men's
room wearing light gray pants.

I've witnessed that one.

I'm not a Libertarian either,

although in a Titus administration,

we're gonna bring the size of government

down a little bit, but these
hard-core Libertarians?

I don't want any government in my life!

Good, when I steal your
car, don't call the cops.

Your house is on fire.

That's a bitch.

No, I'd call the fire department,

but I don't want to
screw with your beliefs.

Oo, that insulation makes
a pretty blue, don't it?

I didn't say I wasn't gonna
be a asshole president.

(laughing)

When it comes to legislate,

oh, and by the way, I'm
not a socialist either.

When did socialist become an insult?

Socialist!

Do you guys know what socialism is?

We all work together,
especially democratic socialism,

you work hard, really together,

and we all share, and we
all build each other up.

That's what it is, no one gets
$1 billion, no one gets $1.

That's socialism.

I think it's the -ism that
bothers people, you know?

Communism, racism, you know?

Nazism.

I want to change your name to social-gasm

and we all get off.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Yeah.

There you go.

Then, then try to use it as an insult.

Social-gasmist!

Uh, uh, yeah.

Sorry, I got a little trickle-down.

(audience laughing)

When it comes to legislation

in the Titus Administration,

we're not gonna legislate
where you go to the bathroom.

You look like a dude,
pee where the dudes pee.

You look like a chick,
pee where the chicks pee.

If you don't, go behind
the Dumpster, weirdo,

you're creeping everybody out.

And when it comes to
gay troops in America,

I'm sorry you wanna step
in front of a bullet

to protect our freedom?

God bless, thank you very
much for doing that for us.

(crowd cheering drowns out speech)

And transgender troops?

I want transgenders in the military.

Are you kidding me?

You had the balls to
cut off your own balls?

That's pretty ballsy.

I'm sorry, that's a committed
individual right there.

Titus, who's the bravest
man in your platoon?

Linda.

And I will follow him anywhere.

In fact, I'm gonna
draft transgender people

into the military and form
elite groups of trans Seals.

And we will never go to war ever again.

We are going to kill
the infidel Americans.

Who are they sending over?

Well, sir, intelligence tells us

they're sending over the trans Seals.

Ah, who are these trans Seals?

Sir, it's a group of people
who cut off their testicles

and sewed up their vaginas.

Ah, they were prisoners,
it was punishment.

No.

They asked to have it done,
then paid for it themselves.

(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)

Changing hearts and minds, bitches.

(chuckling)

That trans Seal bit I did,

first time I wrote it, I was doing it

at the Downtown Club here
in Arizona, in Phoenix

and I did it.

Next day, my Facebook lights up

with this mom flipping
out, five paragraphs.

Oh my God, my son is
trans, and he loved you,

you're his favorite comedian.

And since you, that trans bit,

he hates you now, and
he wants you to know.

It's not a mutilation, it's a restoration.

(heavy sighing)

Well, restoration means you put it back

the way it was originally.

At best, it's a renovation.

And you really just
remodeled the bathroom.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Oh, yeah, call out everybody.

Oh, so as president, I'm
gonna give you a country

with a little more automatic healthcare,

a little less automatic weapons,

a country where facts trump opinion,

and facts about Trump
change your fucking opinion.

I'll bring you a country where known liars

are convicted instead of elected,

in a country where sexual predators

are putting in prison, with much bigger,

angrier sexual predators.

(audience cheering)

I'm gonna bring you a country
where women are heard.

(loud cheering)

Unless the game is on and
just give me 20 minutes.

Fuck, I'm trying.

It's the fourth quarter
why don't you just...

A country where the poor
have a shot at being rich

and the rich don't want the poor shot.

That's an America I can believe in

and that's an America I will bring you

because that's an America I
was taught about in school

when I wasn't paying attention.

And that's who I'm gonna be
in 2018, thank you very much.

Now, now...
(audience cheering)

Why, why am I running in 2018?

'Cause I think the new guy is
gonna drop a deuce by Easter.

I really do.

It's getting weirder, isn't it?

And I wanna talk to you
Liberals for a second,

'cause, oh, I wanna talk about the check,

'cause by the way, if
whatever side you're on

you think, no, there's no
douche bags in your group,

you're a douche bag.

The only way we get back to we

is calling out everybody
on their bullshit.

We can't just call it one side.

Everybody gotta get called
out on their bullshit.

That's how it goes, man.

You know, I thought Trump was easy to get.

And you Trump people
didn't do anything wrong.

And people are getting mad at you guys.

You didn't know, you
didn't know there was,

these guys voted for the guy they wanted.

That's what you're supposed to
do as an American, you know?

And you people that didn't
vote or voted for Harambe,

(wry chuckling) when you
see that mushroom cloud

over Phoenix, that shit's on you.

What do you mean, that
doesn't look like a haboob.

It is not.

They just voted for the guy they wanted.

That he ended up this guy is,

you know, he's a professional conman.

It's not their fault.

And I thought he was easy to get.

I was raised by an alcoholic
father and mentally ill mother.

Who better to deal with Congress, lady?

Thank you very much.

Here's how easy Trump is to get.

I have a 12-year-old
son and he's an idiot.

Sorry.

He's not an idiot, he's just 12.

10- to 14-year-old boys
have this amazing ability

where they can take their brains out,

put them down and just walk away,

(audience cheering)

for weeks at a time.

All right, here's a story about my son.

So, last year, he was in seventh grade.

First through sixth grade,
when I had to pick him up,

I had to wait in that
drop-off/pick-up line.

Then I had to sign a piece of paper.

Then they had to do a DNA test.

They they had to do an iris scan.

Then I could pick his ass up.

Then he became a seventh-grader
and now he can just leave

when he wants, 'cause
he's this much taller

and nine pounds heavier.

I guess he's a ninja now.

But I was cool with that.

You know why, 'cause I hated waiting

in that drop-off/pick-up line

with you chatty soccer
moms driving Priuses.

Oh my God.

I drive a Ram 1500 4-wheel drive,

and you don't know how many times

I played a monster truck
scenario in my head.

I would just sit in
that line just thinking.

(imitates engine revving)

How was today at school, son?

So now I'm stoked that I
can, that I can get him.

And I tell him that.

I go, good, you can leave,
here's what I want you to do.

Cross the street, stand
in front of the church.

He goes to a Christian school.

Stand on the curb, I'll drive
up, pick you up, we're out.

He goes, cool.

First day I do it, it's raining in LA.

I get up to freeway.

I'm on the wrong side of the freeway.

I got past this four-way stop,

I pull to the curb.

My son is four lanes away from me,

directly across the street.

I look out the window of
my truck and my son goes.

(audience laughing)

And we look at each other
for like a day and a half.

And I finally roll my window down

and I go, cross the street!

Smart kid, he goes, got it, got it.

He grabs his stuff, he goes to the corner.

I'm right there.

He hits the button.

This light turns green,
he crosses this street.

Turns and realizes I'm
farther from dad, now.

Doesn't run back on the green.

Hits the button to cross this street.

And it was the first time it
came out of me involuntarily.

I'd said it before when
he did something silly,

but I was looking at the
rear view mirror of my truck,

and I hear myself go, the fuck?

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

He waits for that light to change,

crosses that street, turns and realizes

he now has yet one more street to cross.

He waits for that light to
change, cross the street,

gets in my truck, and I go,

what are you doin'?

And he goes, "I know, right?"

(audience applauding)

Which I count as progress,

because he didn't used to
know when he was stupid.

'Member, guys, you hit about 13

and you were like, oh
my God, what am I doing?

I'm never gonna touch a
girl if I keep this up.

That's where my son is.

So, I'm writing this new show,

it was a while ago, and I'm
watching the news way too much.

My family hates, 'cause,

and just so you know, Trump people,

I didn't wanna write this show,

but it was on TV every night.

Like, five things a day.

Like, how do you screw
up 730 times in 500 days?

The only people happy are Charlie Sheen

and Lindsay Lohan, man, and Chris Brown.

They're like, he beat
our record, all right.

So, it's just comin' out
of me and I could not,

that's what I do.

My job is to observe and do.

So, it's comin' out of me,

but I'm watching the news all the time,

and my family's like, why do
we want to watch the news?

I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You guys wanna eat?

I gotta go to Phoenix.

(audience laughing)

And it's 115 degrees!

(audience whooping)

So, I'm watching the news one night.

I'm just writing.

My son's sitting next to me on the couch.

And here's how easy Trump is to get.

Out of the blue, my son
just turns and goes,

"How is Mexico gonna pay for the wall?"

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I love you so much right now.

No, I thought I was crazy.

I don't know, son, maybe we're
gonna get free landscaping

at the White House for
a while, I don't know.

Maybe we'll send 'em an invoice.

If they don't pay it, I guess
we'll just ruin their credit.

(laughing)

We'll be Mexico's ex-wife.

Don't tell your mom I said that.

You Trump people gotta
be tired of hearing,

the wall thing is getting so weird.

The weirdest thing I heard about the wall

was when Spicer was still in.

Spicer came out and he goes,

"Part of the wall is gonna be invisible."

(audience laughing)

Even the poorly-educated were like,

aw, come on, man.

We're poorly-educated, we
believe in Spandex, not magic.

And here's the sad part
for these Trump people.

You guys don't know, they now,

whatever he says, however crazy,

they gotta back him up.

I got fans in Texas, on the border.

They got invisible wall?

Yep, they built it this morning.

Look at that son of a
bitch, right there, yeah.

320 foot invisible wall.

You gonna go invisible go big, am I right?

That's a high-tech sum-bitch right there.

Ain't nothin' through that, 'cept for

that little Mexican feller right there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(audience laughing)

Rusty, check the fuse box
on the invisible wall.

And you voted for the guy.

You know what, you Trump people,

you voted for the man,
you deserve your wall,

to the victor goes this wall.

In fact, you know what, I
want the wall built now,

'cause every four years after that,

the Olympics, we are gonna
kick ass in handball.

(audience laughing)

I mean, we're always gonna have

to play Mexico in the finals,

(sporadic applause)

because they also have a wall.

Nine is the number after eight.

(audience applauding)

Yeah.

And I can prove that no
matter who you voted for,

we're all the same in
this country right now.

You know why?

Everyone in this room has had someone

come up to them and say, did
you hear what he said today?

And then they tell you,
and you go, no way.

And then you turn on the
TV and you go, dammit.

Every single one of us. (stammering)

There was something that he said

about the wall that I didn't believe,

and then my wife and I
were driving somewhere

and listening to the Alabama speech,

the primary speech, when Roy Moore

was against the other guy,

and we have to give Alabama some props

'cause we finally found out their line:

racist, homophobic pedophile.

They were like, nope.

You can hate, just don't fuck kids,

which is their new license plates.

(audience laughing)

So, good job, Alabama.

So, good job, Alabama.

So, we're listening to the speech

and he says this, and I, honest,

I had to play it again.

I was like, well, what the hell is that?

He said, about the wall, he goes,

"The wall needs to be see-through

"because drug dealers will
take 100-pound bags of drugs

"put 'em on catapults, and
shoot 'em over the wall.

"And they may hit innocent
Americans in the head."

My first thought was, my God,

The Three Stooges have
started a drug cartel.

Is that how El Chapo
made his billions, is it?

Is that how the Sinaloa
cartel just took over Mexico?

Is that?

They have a big meeting one day?

Okay, everybody, welcome to the meeting.

I have a new bitching
idea to smuggle the drugs.

No more tunnels, my fingers hurt.

Are you ready for this?

We gonna build a catapult.

No, not a trebuchet.

Catapult.

I not going to argue with you anymore.

Then, we going to take
100-pound bags of drugs,

put 'em in the catapult,

And then, we gonna shoot 'em

over the invisible wall.

Now, we may need to get
some liability insurance

in case we hit innocent
Americans in the head

who are vacationing near the wall.

Okay, everybody in.

Drug dealers!

Okay.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

That was stupid.

So stupid, thank you.

(laughing)

And here's the other thing about Trump.

If Trump was a nice guy,
it'd be easier to take.

You know, we've dumb guys in there before

that were nice guys,

you know, guys that
weren't that smart about,

I met George W.

George W's a really nice guy.

I like W.

You know, I didn't agree
with him on anything

but I liked him.

I got to meet him, I got
to do a show for him,

a Christmas special with ABC,
and I had to do the comedy.

It was at Ford's Theater,
where Lincoln got shot

which is weird 'cause
the booth is right there.

It's 12 feet from you and they
don't let anybody sit there

'cause I guess they
haven't caught the guy.

(audience laughing)

Or they're still doing forensics.

I don't know what's going on.

So, they asked me to the
show, and I said yeah.

Iraq was going on, I said,
can I do my Iraq material?

And they went, "No."

And I said, no, no,
it's not about the war,

it's about the troops, and they said okay.

Sure, they cleared it, 'cause
I went to Iraq a couple times.

And when I would go to
Iraq, I'd get these gigs,

I'd call other comedians and I'd go,

dude, we're gonna go do shows

for the troops in Iraq, you wanna go?

And every comedian said, hell, yeah.

And then, I'd call 'em
two week before we leave.

We're leaving in two weeks.

I'm not going to Iraq.

(audience laughing)

I'm gonna go to Tempe, Arizona
where it feels like Iraq

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

except with old people.

So, the last time I went, I
invited this guy named Everlast.

I got to meet him.

Everlast's a great musician,
he did he Jump Around.

And he's a great musician,

and he was also raised
in Boston and East LA,

so when I said, you wanna go to Iraq?

He's like, yeah, do I bring
a gun, or can we rent?

(audience laughing)

He's legit.

So, we go to Iraq, and any
soldiers in here, tonight?

If you're in here tonight,
thank you for doing the job.

I want you guys to know something.

When you clap for the soldiers,

I want you just not clap
because it's all rote.

Think about what they went through.

Iraq was the worst place
I've ever been to in my life.

Imagine if Mars got colon cancer.

(audience laughing).

That's Iraq.

Nothing there, and when
you get off the plane,

it was so hot, it was.

Literally, it was like here,

except you had, except danger.

I was like (agonized groaning).

And I get off the plane,

and they had palates of
water on all the base,

and they go, Titus, drink some water.

I would go, no, I'm just hot.

And then I go to the bathroom

and above every latrine,

there is a chart that shows
you where your pee should be,

and it starts clear, then it goes Sprite,

and it goes Mountain
Dew, then it Mello Yello.

And I was peeing Aunt Jemima
maple syrup down here.

And the lieutenant was like,

you're about eight minutes
from death, Mr. Titus.

You better...

Nobody should pee chunks.

Let's go.

And we did Fallujah, and we did Mosul,

and we did Tikrit, and I was over there

before Obama just gave it back.

Goddammit.

Oh I'm sorry, liberals, lighten up.

$3 trillion?

$3 trillion and we walked away?

Could we at least leave Paul Blart here?

Please? Maybe?

You know, the yard
ladies at my high school

coulda held off Isis
for a couple of weeks.

But Obama was like, nope,
George W. signed a treaty,

and we have to be out by 2014,

and we're gonna honor that treaty.

It's the first time we've
ever honored a treaty,

(audience laughing)

but we have to this time
because I'm the black guy.

Yeah, you conservatives thought I was,

yeah, eh, oh, that's a good point.

So, we do our show, and we're in Mosul,

and we get three days in Mosul.

We have to stay in Mosul for three days,

'cause they can't get us a flight.

And staying in Mosul, Iraq is not,

it's not Sandals, Iraq.

It's not good, and it's just me

and Everlast walking around the base.

And the soldiers are like, guys,
don't walk around the base.

If you're going to the, you
know, to eat, to the mess,

you gotta move.

And I'm like, why?

And he's like, because.

(initiates falling missile booming)

We're a musician and a comedian.

They were like, that's how
they explained it to us.

(initiates falling missile booming)

Oh.

So, after our first day,
these soldiers show up,

and they go, hey, we know you
guys got a couple days off.

Hey, if we can get you
guys a chopper ride,

will you guys go do a show
at a forward operating base?

And I was like, hell, yeah!

'Cause I didn't know what a
forward operating base was.

(audience laughing)

Here's where we are.

Here's the forward operating base.

Here's where we're going.

Uh.

And it was funny, we got in this,

we had to get this Black Hawk

and they got the doors blown of it.

And they put on my flak vest.

It's like 120 degrees, and it's hot.

And I put on my metal hat.

My helmet, I put on my helmet.

(audience laughing)

All right, that's a joke,
but it really happened.

I was getting ready to get in the chopper.

I had my flak vest on, and I
put it down, and I lost it,

and I get in the chopper.

I go, anybody seen my metal hat?

And all the soldiers went,

(audience laughing)

did you just say metal hat, sir?

'Cause it's made out of Kevlar
and we call it a helmet.

Don't say metal hat again, okay, sir?

'cause the doors are off this chopper and

(initiates falling missile booming).

So, we fly across the desert,
and we're flyin' forever.

And we had to divert
around this sandstorm,

which is amazing, 'cause we
landed, my face was so smooth.

And we get close to
this, and we fly forever.

And there's nothing there, it's desolate.

What are we here for?

There's just rocks,
and dirt, and no trees,

and all of a sudden, in the distance,

we see this town and it's
in the middle of nowhere.

I mean there's no hills, water, nothing.

What it looks like is people got pissed

at the Mosul City Council, like,

you know what, screw you.

We're gonna start our own town!

Come on, guys, let's go.

And they started walking.

And they walked a biblical distance,

and somebody went, fuck it,
we're gonna build it right here.

I don't care.

Naw, my flip-flops are
all jacked up, I can't.

No, I don't care what
the white Jesus says.

(audience laughing)

So, we're comin' in, and as you see,

so there's a town over here,

and then 400 yards away,
there's this big, giant complex.

And we found later, that was
the old mayor of the town.

He had this big giant mansion
and we commandeered it.

I don't know what commandeered means,

you're gonna have to
ask an American Indian.

(audience laughing)

(audience whooping)
(audience applauding)

Titus, hysterical and historical.

So, we come in and we land on the base,

and we're inside.

It's got these thick walls,

and this little lieutenant
comes up to help.

He's got little glasses.

I go, it's Radar O'Reilly,

and nobody knows what the
hell I'm talking about

'cause they're 14 and I'm 1,007.

And we get out, we get out of the chopper,

and I look over and up
against the wall is a tank

and the turret is pointed over the wall,

directly at the town.

And I go to the commander.

I go, what's the deal with the tank?

And he goes, "It's a reminder."

That's how we're changing
hearts and minds.

Ah, we're reminding them.

So, the guy takes it,

and I wanna say, you wanna
talk about being we the people?

Every soldier I saw,
white, black, Hispanic,

didn't matter whatever religion they were,

all working together.

You wanna talk about we?

Those guys did it every day
and they were bad-ass at it.

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)

And, so this lieutenant takes
up on the third balcony,

and we're overlooking
the town in the distance,

and he starts talking
about this town of Azrah

that we're at and he goes,

this town of Azrah is one of
the smallest town in Iraq,

and all the bad guys,
the worst of the worst

are coming here and hiding out,

so we had to build his base here

so we can go get 'em.

And our guys go in every night,

and they don't know
what's behind that door,

and they kick the door
in and they're just,

they're knockin' and rockin'.

I was proud, I was like, yeah!

And then my anus clenched shut.

Like, I had this caveman
fear come up in me.

I don't know what happened,

but I turned around, and
about 20 feet behind us,

this Special Ops guy had
walked out onto the balcony,

but he wouldn't come out any further.

And he didn't have a lot
of patches on his uniform.

I don't know what unit he was in

but, maybe, any military guy?

The patch on his arm, it
was Satan raping a bear.

I don't know.

Anybody wanna fight those guys?

I'm not fightin' those guys.

And this guy was crazy.

He was (stammering), he was an X-Men,

that's what he was, he was a X-Men.

He had the waist of a 12-year-old girl,

like the shoulders of a Yeti.

It was insane,

and he was also calm, too.

Now, every man in this
room who's been in a couple

of bar fights, you know
the guys you can fight

and the guys you can't fight.

That guy that's goin',
come on, me and you,

let's dance, let's do this!

That guy?

Get out your phones,

He's getting his ass kicked,

and it's gonna be hilarious.

Then there's that other
guy that just goes,

sure you wanna fight?

(audience laughing)

As a matter of fact, I apologize.

(audience whooping)

And this guy was calmer
than that guy, and very,

he's standing 20 feet behind us

on the edge of this balcony,

and we're way out in the front of it,

and he just goes, "Gentlemen,
would you guys mind

"coming back here for a second, please?"

So, Everlast turns, 'cause
in his voice, you heard it.

Everlast walks past him, I walk past him,

the lieutenant walks past him.

As the the lieutenant walks over,

he grabs the front of his shirt

and part of his nipple,
'cause the kid made noise.

The kid went, "Oh!"

And now he's getting carry/dragged

behind this wall, and the guy
slams him against the wall,

and I said, I am not next.

I'm blaming him, he brought us out here.

And the guy doesn't pay
attention to me at all.

Gets right in the kid's face, and he goes,

"You do know there are snipers

"in that town right now, right?"

And Everlast goes, "Uh,
can I kick his ass?"

(audience laughing)

And the guy was like, no,
it's against Army regulations,

plus I gotta rape him in a minute, anyway.

Now, I didn't tell that story
at the Christmas special.

So, here's what a nice guy W. is.

I'm in front of him doing my show.

It's going all right.

W. and his wife, Laura are sitting there.

In the middle of it, I go, Mr. President,

I go, it's hard for me to
call you Mr. President.

Can I just call you Hoss?

- Hoss?
- Yeah.

And the whole room goes
(imitates brakes squealing).

I thought it would get a laugh

not thinking that I just
called the President

of the United States Hoss.

And W. looks at me and goes,

"Yeah, Hoss.

"I like that, go ahead
and call me Hoss, yeah."

Then at the end of that show,

we're all standing on stage behind him,

and he goes to the mic to make a speech.

And he walk up and he goes,
"How's everybody doin'?

"Hoss here." (laughing)

Then they invited me to the White House.

I got to go to the White House?

Make America Great Again?

That's pretty, great, my God.

And I had just got divorced.

And met my new girl, and I got,

married her, finally, by the way.

My new wife is so far out
of my league is ridiculous.

Yeah, here's out of my league my wife is.

We'll be in an airport somewhere.

She'll get up to go to the bathroom

and guys I don't know will
walk over to me and go,

dude, how did you land that?

I'm like, I don't know, bro, I don't know.

I have no idea. (chuckling)

And don't you say nothing to her,

'cause she may not know this is weird.

(audience laughing)

So, I called her, I said,

you wanna go on a date to The White House?

No, not Waffle House, White House.

She meets me there.

She's got on a ball
gown, I've got a tuxedo.

We're in line to get a picture

with W. and his wife, Laura.

And here's what a normal dude W. is.

As we walk over, he glances, sees my girl,

and goes, "All right,
things are looking up."

(audience laughing)

(audience whooping)
(audience applauding)

And I was like, fist bump, Mr. President.

He was like, "I told you to call me Hoss.

"Call me Hoss."

Nice man, nice man, even when you see him

in interviews now, with
Clinton or whatever,

he's just, he's self-deprecating,
he's a nice guy.

On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets

about civil rights leaders on
Martin Luther King weekend.

Does he have a calendar?

I'm gonna save this
tweet till next Saturday.

Maybe that would make sense.

He's gone after some of
America's most hated terrorists:

Meryl Streep.

Called Meryl Streep overrated.

She's been nominated for
20 Oscars and won six.

I'm sorry, you don't get to
talk to talk shit about anybody

if your best skill is
bankruptcy and the comb over.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

And Trump people, I want you to know

I'm not giving you my
opinion, this is a fact.

The man bankrupt four casinos.

Do you know how casinos work?

People walk into the casino.

They hand over all their money.

And then, they walk out of the casino.

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)

Somehow, he found the glitch in that.

Ah, but again the problem
is liberals in our country

and here's why.

Here's why: liberals right now

think they have the moral high ground.

They're actually all thinking that.

You know, these people are
stupid, they voted for Trump.

They're not; they didn't know
he was gonna be this guy.

And now because everyone's
talking shit online

like a bunch of digital pussies,

everyone's got their back up.

You know, you can't say fuck you, dude.

No one's gonna, oh, we're good, hug me.

That's not what happens.

We gotta learn to be cool.

If we're gonna be we again.

we got to be cool,
peoples making mistakes.

My grandmother's 84 years old.

She voted for Trump.

We're playing cards over Christmas,

and in the middle of playing cards,

she just goes, "I wish this man

"would just put down the tweeter."

(audience laughing)

Cannot believe a voter for this idiot.

I made a mistake.

And you know what I didn't do?

Yeah, bitch!

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

Yeah, why don't you suck on that, Grandma?

Yeah.

They know, liberals, they know.

They just don't know what to do about it.

You know they gotta,
they're gonna ride it out,

but they know, trust me.

They go home.

We're all the same, people, we're all,

I can prove we're, every
one of us, the same.

Every single one of us, in the morning,

grabs our phone, hits the news feed,

sees what he says, and says
exactly what Paul Ryan says.

Fuck!

(audience laughing)

We're all the same.

Every single one of us knows

every time we see Kellyanne
Conway on the television

that somewhere, she's got a coat

made out of Dalmatian puppies.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

We're all the same.

There's no difference.

We're all Americans, man.

Everyone in this room
knows that from space,

Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar

during hurricane season.

(audience laughing)
(audience whooping)

How do you comb your hair
over from your neck, man?

It's insane.

We're all the same 'cause
everybody in this room

whether who you voted for,

when he walked up the stairs that day

and that whole thing went, baa.

We all knew that's a Dr.
Evil moment, oh my God.

And he's obviously part clam.

What just happened?

So, I want everyone to be cool

with people's mistakes now.

We're all gonna be,

in fact, I'm gonna tell
you a story right now

about one of the worst mistakes

I have made in the last five years,

and we're gonna laugh about it.

And that's how we're gonna be
when someone says they voted.

Anyone, next time they
go, dude, what happened?

I can't believe I did this,

you're not gonna get mad.

You're not gonna be, oh, yeah, fuck you.

He's not my president.

Yeah, you live here, too, fucker.

Yeah, he is.

(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)

By the way, you don't have to like it,

but we gotta figure out how to fix it,

and the only way that's
gonna happen is we.

'Kay, so, I'm gonna tell you a story.

And you guys, it's the worst thing

I did in the last five years.

(clears throat) I started
drinking when I was 15 years old.

I stop drinking at 17 because
I fell into a bonfire.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I got really good at drinkin'.

That's gold-medal level, right there.

Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate

that just said wow.

And then under that it
said, we can't help you.

So, I stop drinking at 17 years old.

I didn't drink again till I hit 41.

I met my new girl, we're
at dinner one night,

having dinner, and I had water.

And she goes, "How come
you're not having a drink?"

And I go, 'cause I fell into
a bonfire when I was 17.

And she goes, "But you're not 17 anymore.

"You're a grown-ass man."

And I thought, wow, you're an alcoholic.

She's said, "No, I'm just saying

"you're not making the
decision of a child.

"You're a grown man, have a drink."

I go, do you run alcohol
distribution company?

What is wrong with you?

And then she said, "I'm
just saying a real man

"would have a drink."

- Whoa!

- She's from Louisiana, I said okay.

And she was showing a lot
of side boob, so I said yes.

I am only flesh and blood.

And she was right,

I was an older man, different guy,

have a different life.

I had a drink, I'm fine.

I can drink, it's good, everything's fine.

Everything's fine,
yeah, yeah, I can drink.

But...

Recently, something happened.

And by the way, and I'm
the worst kind of drunk,

'cause I'm happy drunk.

You can't piss me off.

We'll be in a bar somewhere,

someone's goin', what
the hell you lookin' at?

Your hair is amazing.

(audience laughing)

Is that a mousse or a pomade,

'cause you are beautiful, Brad Pitt.

Oh, you wanna do me, homo?

No, but we can get married legally now.

Hell, I'll even bake you a cake.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

(drunken laughing) I'm
gonna need a couple more

of these, though,

'cause I know my mouth is gorgeous.

I'm the guy, when people
are dragging me out

and I'm laughing at 'em,

I'm like, what, we're just talking.

No, he's gonna kill you.

Why? What?

Is he mad?

Come on, gimme a hug.

Come on, it's okay.

Here, hug it out.

Let's all hug it out.

I'm a pain in the ass,
dude, I'm the worst.

So, you know, I can
drink, everything's fine.

So I got, but I got one, okay.

So, a while back, I got home
from one of my road gigs

and on Monday I take the
day off and I watch my shows

on my DVR.

I was watching Street
Outlaws, or whatever it is.

And I had three glasses of wine.

I had three, I had three.

I poured a whole bottle
into three glasses of wine.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

And I drank it over three hours,

he says to justify his behavior.

I got done drinking, it was
three hours, I remembered.

I went upstairs and my
wife was already in bed.

And I get in bed.

She goes, "Hey, your
throat sounds kinda raspy.

"I want you to take this Benadryl."

- Oh.

- I didn't know this part, see?

This is the part.

I don't take medication.

I did not know that wine
plus wine, plus wine,

plus Benadryl equals oh my God, no.

(audience laughing)

And that's the second math
joke I have ever written.

(audience cheering)

Thank you.

So, I took the Benadryl 'cause I love her.

Well, she can just hand
me anything, take this.

Okay. (vocal burbling)

Why am I foaming now?

She's just counting money.

No reason, keep going.

People, I took that
Benadryl after that wine.

I slept like I have
never slept in my life.

Almost went into the light.

Woke up the next morning like
I had a blood transfusion

like I feel incredible!

This must be what Oprah
and Keith Richards do.

This is incredible, woo!

But my house was weird.

Like, my wife woke up, she was grumpy,

but she wakes up grumpy sometimes.

I didn't think about that,

but my dogs were inconsistent

and my dogs are very constant.

Every morning, I wake up,

my older dog just face
rapes me for five minutes.

That's what he does.

This morning, though, he was sitting

at the end of the bed as
far as he could get away

from me, going.

Our younger dog, who's the dark soul,

he listens to Nine Inch
Nails all the time,

usually under the bed shivering.

This morning, however,
he's bouncing all over me

like whatever I did last, we were buddies,

gonna hang out in the smoking area

and carve our initials in our arm.

I didn't think anything of it.

I just went about my day.

And my wife didn't say anything to me,

but instead, as I'm going about my day,

she started to noise me into an argument.

Oh yeah, (stammering).

She wouldn't say anything,
but I get my coffee,

I'm walkin' down the hall,
and as she goes by me,

she goes, (loud grumbling sighing).

You should know what I'm doing right now.

'Cause I walked past her two hours later

and she just went, "Wow."

And I'm not biting.

I know what's coming, I'm not gonna bite.

I just keep ignoring her.

And two hours later, she walks past me

and she just goes, "Unbelievable!"

What?

And she whips on me and she goes,

"Do you know what you did last night?"

And that sentence is never followed

by, you saved a baby from a fire.

(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)

You cured cancer, filed a patent,

and we never have to work again.

That's what you did last night!

So, I sat down on the edge of the bed

'cause I'd heard that
sentence before when I was 17,

and I said, no, what did I do last night?

And she said, "You were sleeping

"like I've never seen you sleep."

And I said, I remember that.

She said, "About three a.m, you got up

"to go to the bathroom."

(audience chuckling)

You shouldn't be that
far ahead of me on this.

"You got up to go to the bathroom.

"walked into the closet,

"opened your pants, then
opened your pajama drawer,

"and filled it."

And I said, with what?

Because I didn't want the
dogs to have one up on me.

She said, "Then you pulled up your pants,

"closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it

"by flicking off the light switch."

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

I peed in my pajama drawer.

Now, I know a lot of
you are more weirded out

that I have a pajama drawer,

but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart,

and she likes me to sleep silky.

Our safe word is Harvey.

(audience applauding)

I made a dumb mistake.

It's a dumb mistake,
it was a dumb mistake.

So, next times, you liberals,

one sitting next to you, Trump people go,

God, I voted for this guy, and man,

he's just not living up to it.

I wish I hadn't voted for him.

Don't get in their face.

Just go, that's okay, you
peed in your pajama drawer.

It's all right.

But here's how we can save America,

if we can just get rid of the
confidently-stupid people.

I'm not talking about normal stupid,

or don't know and are trying,

I talking about the people that don't know

and are proud they don't
know, and think they know.

You know the people I'm talking about?

People that just yell at you.

You give 'em a fact, they're like,

I don't believe that.

Well, it doesn't care what
you believe, it's a fact.

Where'd you get that fact?

NASA.

NASA, a bunch of nerds,
and geeks, and elites.

'Cause that's what stupid people do.

Instead of just taking five minutes

to look it up, they came up with the words

to make fun of smart people.

You know, words like
nerd, and geek, homeowner.

(audience laughing)

Elite, the damn elites running it.

And I was on the elite boat for a minute.

During the election, I was
like, yeah, the elites!

Then I looked up what elite means.

You know what elite means?

It means best of the best.

Elite means you're better than
almost anybody at your job.

If you're elite at what you do,

you're in the top 5%.

That's who I want running shit,

not somebody who owned a beauty pageant.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

Sorry.

Do you know why?

'Cause every man on the planet

when it comes to boobs
and butts is pretty elite,

but I wouldn't trust one of
you bitches with the economy.

- Yeah!

- I don't like the confidently-stupid.

And do you know how hard it is

to be stupid and not know in 2018?

One time, it was being the smartest mammal

to walk the planet.

Every single one of us down
to the dumbest person in here

has one of these phones,

and in that phone, clickety-clack,

is every piece of information

from the beginning of recorded history,

and it's four inches from
your butt hole, all day long,

and you still found time to be a dumbass?

The gas pumps at the, have a screen

pumping new information
while you're pumping gas,

and you're still stupid?

How is that possible?

Stupid people must just get
home tired every day, you know?

'Cause it's so hard to be stupid now.

Your wife goes, what's the matter, hon?

Oh, babe, I'm so beat.

Today was rough, I had
to walk to the world

avoiding truth, and knowledge, and facts.

Oh, yeah. it was horrible.

Thank God you put that song on my iPod.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

That was great.

I just don't wanna think anymore, babe.

I just wanna turn my brain off.

Put on Fox News, please, put on Fox.

Please put on Fox News.

(audience applauding)
(audience whooping)

Quick fact for you people that thinkin'

this lib-tard snowflake,
thinking anything like that.

Fox News was proven,
after a fact check on 'em

to be 17% accurate.

CNN's only 73%, but 17?

Damn, I did better than that in school

and I got four Fs and a D.

(audience applauding)

(audience whistling)

Fox News is like the Tofurky of news

'cause it's not what it says it is,

but I like Fox for a lot of reasons,

'cause as a older gentleman, I know

where to get a comfortable catheter.

(audience laughing)

Don't need it yet, I'm
waiting for a coupon.

Do you guys know the
people I'm talking about,

the confidently stupid, that are just so,

like, they don't have any
facts but they're loud about it

so everyone just backs off?

Yeah, I know, I know.

98% of climatologists
say climate change exists

but 2% say it don't, so
that makes it inconclusive.

(audience laughing)

Okay.

So, if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend

(audience whooping)

(audience applauding)

is she cheating on you
or is it inconclusive?

Either way, I believe
you've been disenfranchised.

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, very much.

Fix this bitch!

Fix this bitch!

- Fix this bitch!

Fix this bitch!

Fix this bitch!

Fix this bitch!

- Goodnight, everybody,
thank you very much!

(rock version of "The
Star-Spangled Banner")

See you guys again!

Thank you, so much!

Goodnight.

Bye, guys.