Chickens Come Home- (1931) - full transcript

Ollie is running for mayor when an old flame (Mae Busch) tries to blackmail him with a old photo ('just the same old apple-cheeked boy'). Stan's attempts to help Ollie keep the blackmailer at bay incur the wrath of the shrewish Mrs Laurel who takes her revenge with an axe.

- Good morning, Mr Hardy.
- Good morning, Mr Ketsy.

I'd like to see my general manager,
Mr Laurel.

All right, Mr Hardy.

Where have you been?

I was in the sample room.

Sit down.

Take down my acceptance speech.

"Friends... fellow citizens and, er...

"and collegiates.

"And so forth and so forth and so on. "

Put that in brackets.

"And so forth. "

- Listen, kid, I crave a service.
- Did you wish to see someone?

Why do you think I came into this joint?
To test out your acoustics?

- I wanna see Mr Hardy right away.
- Yes, ma'am.

Say, what are you looking at?

A lady to see you, Mr Hardy.

Tut tut! I'm too busy. In the midst
of my campaign, I cannot see anyone.

Yes, sir.

Read what you have.

So Mr Hardy's too busy to see me?
He's in conference, is he?

Don't make me laugh! He'll see me!

"No, no, no. Apothecary. "

- "It is my aim... "
- My aim.

- ".. to keep our city clean... "
- City clean.

".. of all vice. "


That'll open their eyes.

Just the same old apple-cheeked boy.

Close the door.


After all these years. What is it you want?

Ladies must live.

No, sir. Not one penny.

Not even a nickel.

Not one kopeck.

And, furthermore...

get out.

Get out.

Well? How about it?

You can't bluff me.

That was in my gilded youth.

My primrose days before I was married.

Doesn't mean a thing.
You haven't changed a bit, baby.

This is preposterous. An outrage!
You can't get away with it.

Oh, no?

Oh, wouldn't that look grand
on the front page?

Oh, I can see the headlines now.

"Wronged woman comes out of the past
to accuse leading citizen. "

And with you running for mayor?


Oh, Gabriel, blow your horn.

Yes, Mr Hardy?

Ahem! Get out of here.

Go on. It's a mistake.

Get back to your desks.

Listen. I am a man of decisions
and I've made one.

I'll meet you tonight at seven
and make a final settlement.

The man is himself at last.
Now you're talking.

- Good morning, Mrs Hardy.
- Hello, dear. How's your mother?

- She's just fine, thank you.
- That's fine.

- Hey, the wife.
- Oh!

Say, what's the big idea?

Cut it out! What's the big idea?

I'd just love to...

Hello, darling.

- Oliver.
- Hello, honey.

I just dropped in to say
I'm giving a dinner party at seven.

I invited the judge and all the people
that'll be helpful in your campaign.

- You won't be able to go.
- He won't be able to go?

He means that we were working late
tonight and...

Well, I'll be right there.

- How is Mrs Laurel?
- Fine, thank you.

- I'd love to meet her sometime.
- Neither do I too.

Now, sweetheart, I'll open the door for you.


- Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
- Christmas?

But, Oliver, it's only July.

I know. It's one of the planks
of my platform.

Do your Christmas shopping early.

Just the same little apple-cheeked boy.

Isn't that beautiful?
I must see how it looks.

Oh, it's locked. Where's the key?

Yes. Where is the key?

- There it is.
- So it is.

- Oh, isn't it beautiful?
- Yes. Lovely, darling.

Oh, Oliver. You're such a darling.

Now, dear... It's pretty, very pretty.

- You run right along.
- Don't forget, seven.

I won't, dear. Goodbye.

Say, what's the big idea?

I'm sorry. We'll have to call
the whole thing off.

Is that so? There's where I live.

You be there at seven or else...!

All right.

- What about her fur?
- Shh!

- Yes. What about it?
- Well, what about it?

That's another little item
we'll take up at seven. Goodbye.


Here's another nice mess I got you into.

Yes. And you're gonna
get me out of it. Here.

Go over to her apartment
and I'll try to get there later.

- What about my wife?
- Call her up and tell her you're working.

You don't know my wife.
She wouldn't believe that.

If she was dumb enough to marry you,
she'd believe anything.

Come here.

Far be it for me, Mrs Laurel,
to talk about anybody, but...

don't trust any man.
I've had five of 'em and I know.

Pardon me just a moment.

Hello? Oh, hello, Stanley dear.

I won't be home for dinner, Mama.

- Who says so?
- Mr Hardy.

Very important business. Yeah.

He's in a jam.

Hello. Mrs Laurel? This is Mr Hardy.

I'm sorry but it's imperative,
positively imperative,

that Stanley works tonight.

Something to do with my campaign.

Is that so?

I don't care anything
about your campaign. Listen.

You tell him from me that if he isn't
home for dinner, I'll break his arm.

Thank you so much
for your cooperation. Goodbye.

There you are. Nothing to it.

- Did she say I could stay out?
- Why, certainly.

Furthermore, she said
that as long as you were with me,

you could go as far as you liked.

You go and keep this troublemaker
in a good humour until I can get there.

You know, get organised.

- What are you gonna do?
- Call and thank Mama.

Marie? When you let him in, beat it.

Yes, ma'am.

Won't you step in?

Ah. Johnny on the spot. Promptly at seven.

- What are you doing here?
- Mr Hardy sent me over.

He told me to get organised.

He what?

He told me to keep you busy
so you wouldn't annoy him.

Oh. He's trying
to put one over on me, is he?

- Where is he?
- He's home.

- Right. What's his number?
- I won't tell you.

- You won't tell me, huh?
- No.

- Yes, you will.
- No, I won't. You can't bluff me.

- Tell me his number.
- I won't. No!

- What's his number?
- Absolutely no.

Granite 3648!

Thank you.

Give me Granite 3648.

Frank, tell the story
of the man with the pass.

Yes, ma'am. Just hold the wire.

Excuse me, Mr Hardy.
You're wanted on the telephone.

- Tell them I'm engaged.
- She says it's very important.

Pardon me, please, just a moment.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.


Well, you walleyed pike!

What's the big idea of sending
this dumbbell over to me?

Yes, I know, but get this.

If you're not over here right away,

I'm coming over to that joint of yours
and pull off the front door.

I've got company.
As soon as I can get away, I'll come over.

Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Well, it better be all right!
And make it snappy.

Shut up!

Do you mind if I smoke?

I don't care if you burn up!

- Doesn't she play beautiful?
- Perfectly.

Well, Judge, what about a cigar?

- I'd love it.
- I knew you would. Just a moment.

Where are those cigars?

- I'll run out and get some.
- Oh, don't trouble, Mr Hardy.

Why, it's no trouble at all.
It's a pleasure.

- I'm going out to get some cigars.
- Don't be long.

Oh, I won't.

- Here you are. My private stock.
- Thank you.

Pardon me.


Oh, how do you do, Mrs Hardy.
I wanna talk to your husband.

Give me that phone!

Pardon me, dear. Excuse me.


Hey, Ollie. You'll have to hurry.

I can't get organised.

Oh! All right!

Well, well, well, well, well, well!

Gee, it's great to hear from you again.

Yes. I'll be around
and see you tomorrow. Goodbye.

An old schoolmate of mine.
We used to room together.

I think we'd better go in
and see the guests.

How about singing one of your songs,
Mr Hardy?

The pipes are not what they used to be.

Oh, do, Mr Hardy.
You are so impressive.

Yes, do sing, Oliver. You're so impressive!

Oh! Well...

Lovely, Mr Hardy. How about another?


Hey, Ollie! Think up a story.

She's on her way over and I can't stop her!

Oh-h! Wrong number!

Isn't that annoying?

- You can't get outta here!
- What do you mean?

Open that door! Open that door!

See? You can't get out.

All right! I'll use the other door.

Stop me? You certainly can't.
Get away from me.

- You can't go!
- Don't tell me I can't go!

Let me outta here!

I'm going over to Hardy's house
if it's the last thing I do!


Mm-hm. Just as I expected.

So going over to Hardy's house, are you?

Going to have a wild party, are you?

You little monkey! I'll tell your wife.

Oh! You're getting dirty, huh?
Trying to break my neck.

Well, you can't stop me.
I'm going to Hardy's.

Give me that key.

Give me that key.

You give me that key!

Give me that key!

- Give me that key!
- I will not!

Give me that key!

Give me that key.

Give me that key!

You give me that...!

Give me that key. You give me that key.

I'll tell your wife!

Don't touch me, you bluebeard!

I'll fix you!

- Oh!
- Well?

I saw your husband with a woman. Went
to Hardy's house to make whoopee.

- Oh, he has, has he?
- I knew this would happen.

Chasing around, is he?
You know where Hardy lives?

- Sure.
- Stay here and phone for an ambulance.

Somebody's coming to my house

Somebody's coming to stay

Father feels so happy,
he's jumping with joy

All he keeps saying is

I hope it's a boy

Mother is waiting the stranger...

Who'll come to brighten my life

I can hear Mother say...

If you'll pardon me a minute, I'll...

I'm not home.

- I want to see Mr Hardy.
- He's not home.

Thank you!

Meet Mr and Mrs Laurel.

How do you do?

Mrs Laurel, I'm so happy to meet you.
Won't you stay a while?

Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

- May I have your wrap?
- Certainly.

If you'll excuse us, Mrs Hardy,
we'll be going.

- I think so too.
- I'm sorry. Must you leave so soon?

Excuse me, please.

Goodbye, Mrs Holliday.
Good night, Mr Holliday.

Good night, Mr Hardy.

A lovely evening.

Ohh! Good night, dear. I mean...

Goodbye, both.

- We must get together sometime.
- You ladies make the arrangements.

- Well?
- Leave my house!

- Leave my house!
- Not until I get a settlement.

I'll make a settlement with you
and a final settlement.

I'll show you.

Get out of my house
or I'll shoot you and kill myself!

- Oh! Why... What's happened?
- Mrs Laurel just fainted.

Don't stand there. Lay her on the couch.

Poor thing. She'll be all right.

This is terrible.
You must spend the night here.

I'll go and arrange the guest room.

- What'll we do now?
- Let's get her out of here.

Put her on my back and I'll carry her out.


- Ohh!
- Wait a minute.


We've decided to go home.

Good night.

- Where's my husband?
- Who are you?

- I'm Mrs Laurel.
- Aha!