Chasing the Present (2019) - full transcript

>> I didn't know what was
going on in my life when I was

younger.

I was kind of lost, so I just
drank as much as I could bottle

after bottle and
smoked as much weed

as I could and then
started taking acid.

And at 16 years old,
I lost my girlfriend.

She overdosed on acid
and committed suicide.

And then I kept going
to the point I was 21,

and I was alone in my
apartment for three days

just doing coke like
crazy, and I flatlined.

I ate a whole bag because I
thought that the cops were



coming and started hallucinating
and literally, I flatlined,

and from that point
on, I was like,

I don't know what's
happening in my life.

I don't understand.

So I quit stuff, and
I became a vegetarian.

And I'm not saying
that everybody

should be a vegetarian,
but for me, that

was the turning point
in my life because I

feel like it's the
first time in my life

where I started to be aware,
just being more aware of what I

put in my body.

It didn't make sense to do
a juice cleanse and then

the next day, to go to
the bar and get hammered.

And I opened a lot of
vegetarian and vegan



restaurants and vegan hotel.

And I'm having these
healthy businesses,

and I'm trying to help people.

And I don't do drugs anymore.

I don't do this.

I don't do that.

And I did all this other stuff.

And I felt like I kind
of got addicted to work.

I mean, we can do
everything that way,

probably little drama
still because he's

friends with some of the staff.

So that's stuff that we'll
always deal with probably,

no matter what.

What happens after she signs it?

Because she told me--

I haven't written her back.

So I stopped those
other things, and I

started working like crazy
amounts and became successful.

And I was still waking up
in the middle of the night

and going to the emergency room
because my heart was skipping

beats, and I was having
full-blown anxiety and panic

attacks.

Anxiety.

My face is tingling.

And I didn't understand
what was happening.

I would wake up in the
middle of the night

sometimes and feel this
fear taking over me

to the point where my
heart was skipping beats,

and I couldn't even speak
because my face was getting

so tingly and numb, and my whole
body was kind of tightening up.

And I don't know, I
felt like I was dying.

And then that's how
this journey started.

I was super confused because
I had all this fear in me,

but on the other hand, I was
totally secure in terms of what

the world kind of taught me.

I was secure.

I had a house and good
job and was making money.

So it didn't make sense.

I didn't really understand
what the hell was

going on to feel these
things and to have everything

that I thought that I
was supposed to have.

So we've been traveling around
the world for the last two

years with the
effort of me really

understanding who I am better.

But for me, it was a
very challenging thing,

and it still is.

It takes focus, and
it takes dedication,

and it takes a really
strong will to do it.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> I'm glad you made
it back all right.

All those places.

>> Yeah.

>> A long way, man.

It's a long trip.

>> You wouldn't go?

>> I don't think so.

I don't think there's
anything I want to see

to be on a plane for that long.

>> What about baby pandas?

>> Yeah, I go to Busch Gardens
and see them nice and easy.

>> What if we go tomorrow to
China to see the baby pandas?

>> I don't think so.

>> When I was working, I felt
like something was not right

with me.

I didn't really understand
what it was or whatever,

so going on this trip kind of
helped me understand that stuff

better.

By doing yoga in India and
doing meditation and doing

all this stuff, I
started to kind of figure

out what was going on.

Why do you hit me like that?

>> Oh, I think you're cracking
up on me, but it's all right.

>> What do you mean?

>> You're cracking up.

>> Why is it cracking up?

>> So you found
yourself in India?

Is that what you're saying?

>> It's not about finding
myself or something.

It's about realizing--

>> Does it all feel right now?

Now that you went on
to India and Nepal,

does it feel right now?

feels good?

>> It's not so hard to go to
India for a month and practice

yoga and feel good and being
yourself and hang out with

those people.

And you don't have much worries.

You're not working.

You're away from everything.

Everything's nice,
and it's much easier.

But it's more challenging
when you go home,

and you talk to your dad,
you talk to your mom,

you talk to friends.

You try to explain the stuff
that you're going through

and the stuff that you
learned in the East,

and it's challenging.

>> As I say pretty
much every week,

we are a social species and that
our biggest core drive in life

from the beginning is
to connect with others.

We survive simply
because in infancy, we

can bond with other
adults who will nurture us

until we reach an
age where we can

survive without constant
care and support.

So the core neural components
of the brain from birth

are simply, again, to
establish these bonds.

And these bonds are
established by looking

into the eye of someone--

your parents, your
caregivers, the other adults--

having them see you and then
express whatever state you're

in through your emotions.

So you're tired, you're
frustrated, you're sad,

you're lonely,
you're vulnerable,

you express that
physiologically.

Those times where we feel
disconnected from care,

from love, support, are the
greatest traumas of childhood.

Those negative
emotions we believe

are some kind of really
horrible part of ourselves

that we don't want
to experience,

and the key to soothing us
which means regulating us back

to a state of calmness
is that experience

of being seen in the eye of
someone who will be empathetic

and will meet these needs.

>> I reckon fear,
anger, anxiety,

these are on a basic
biochemical level, signals.

Signal is communication.

Communication is an attempt to
create community, connection,

togetherness.

I suppose people feel fearful
and angry because they're not

being heard, and I
don't necessarily

mean on an individual level.

But my sense is there's
an aspect of spirit that's

being neglected.

If you ignore it,
fear will happen.

>> Hello, James.

This is Zelda here.

I have time for a session
with you at 2:00 PM.

I hope that suits you.

Just let me know.

Bye.

>> Yeah, I realized
actually like, well,

anxiety is a big thing for me.

I don't feel like I ever
gave it the attention

that it kind of needed.

I've been looking into it and
also through work with you,

I feel like a lot of it
comes from my childhood.

But I don't know,
I still have it,

and I'm a little bit
confused because on the trip,

I've heard different things
from different people.

Do I have to go back to the
root of every single thing

in my life that could
have caused anxiety,

for example, when I was a kid?

Or is it good enough to
just sit with the anxiety

when it comes up
and just feel it?

>> People often ask
that in therapy,

do I need to go into every
single thing that happened

in my childhood in order to
really change this thing that

I'm having trouble with?

No, you don't.

But you do need to go
into it as it comes up.

When you stay with
things for a while,

if you allow yourself
to be present with them,

then you start
noticing something

that wants to be addressed.

And yes, then it's
useful to deal with that.

That's a useful thing
to do with somebody else

like have somebody
guiding you in it to give

enough safety in the situation.

Maybe you'd like to try
it out a little bit now?

>> Yeah, we can.

>> Yeah?

Yeah, let's just take a
couple of deep breaths there.

Just check in with yourself
if that is actually

what you want to
do at the moment,

just so we're really sure that's
the right thing to be doing

now, here, now, this situation.

OK, are you sure you
want to try this out now?

>> Yeah.

>> OK.

>> Boy, this is beautiful.

>> This swimming pool
is their swimming pool.

It's in the backyard
of their house,

and it's very, very nice.

>> Well, now we're
going to go inside.

>> If we were to take a survey
out in the world of all 7

billion people, and we
were to ask everyone,

what is it that you
really want in life,

there would be a variety
of answers from more money,

better health, an intimate
relationship, a family,

a nicer home, but then if
we were to ask everyone,

but why do you want more money
or a better home or an intimate

relationship, they would say
because I think it will make me

happy.

In other words, everybody
seeks happiness above all else.

There's nothing
greater than happiness.

And nearly everybody
seeks happiness

through the acquisition of some
kind of objective experience--

an object, a substance,
a state of mind,

an activity, an intimate
relationship, a family,

et cetera.

Many people at some
stage in their lives

begin to suspect that
happiness for which they seek

can never be delivered via
an objective experience.

And it's the madness from which
the vast majority of humanity

are suffering.

>> I actually feel like somehow
anxiety is starting to come up,

and my face like a
little bit tingly and--

>> Everybody really wants to be
happy not just in a superficial

sense.

We want a sense of belonging,
each of us, to this body,

to this mind, to this
Earth, somewhere.

We want a sense of being
a part of something

greater than our limited sense
of who we are, but what are we

taught?

It's not easy to figure out.

You have to separate from
a lot of conditioning

and be able to look
at it to say, Oh

this is where happiness lies.

>> We live in a rigidly
controlled society,

rigidly structured, which seeks
to press us down and turn us

only into vehicles for
production and consumption.

That's all we are supposed
to be in the present set up.

>> Fear and desire
provoke action.

They cause you to get
out of the present.

If you're continually
being frightened,

turn on your TV set, look at
your own terror, death, cancer,

war, famine, and then
desire da da dada

dum that comes inundated with
beautiful imagery of whatever

sex you're into.

And it's very hard.

It's hard.

I feel like culture's got jump
leads on my consciousness.

It keeps sending signals
that are not helpful.

It's not a coincidence, is it?
consumerism and capitalism?

That's where we've all got to.

That's what we've all generated
through our consciousness.

That's what we are
all participating in,

and enough of us seem
to find it hard to go,

I'm just going to participate.

I'm coming off Facebook.

I'm coming off Google.

I'm not even going to
own this phone no more.

I'm not going to
try and earn money.

I'm just going to sit quietly
by the river and breathe.

I'll sit there quietly
for a while and breathe.

And that's the thing, I'll
see if anyone's called

while I've been breathing.

>> I feel like all the things
I do and just doing things

compulsively in general, are
all so that I don't have to feel

like--

>> Yeah, that's it.

It's OK.

Try not to explain it too much.

Just allow yourself
to feel, James.

It's OK.

The more you can allow
yourself to have that feeling,

the easier it'll get.

>> There is just one area where
every one of us human beings is

powerful, and that is over the
choices and decisions we make

about our own lives.

You have enough time.

You have 70, 80, 90
years if you're lucky,

maybe more on this
planet, maybe less--

there's a random
element to life--

but you have time to make
changes to your life.

Even at the level of the
single individual operating

in society, if we choose
right rather than wrong,

if we choose light rather
than darkness, if we choose

love rather than
fear, then this is

going to affect everybody else.

And if enough of us
change ourselves,

then we will change the world.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

>> Which tools have helped
you in your life, say,

maybe 20 years ago
or 25 years ago?

What were the things that
you used in your life

to heal things within yourself?

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

>> I started to spend more
time in silence and more time

questioning myself.

I feel that a lot of
the problems that I

was having were definitely
related to fear,

fear that I wasn't good
enough, for example.

Do all these different
things I could

see myself doing, creating
lots of businesses,

trying to get
acknowledgment that I

was good enough for
myself, and I didn't really

realize that until recently
that I don't actually

need acknowledgment from
anything outside of myself.

That maybe there's a way
that I could feel good enough

inside myself to the
point where I don't need

to do things for other
people to feel that,

or I could just
feel that in myself.

I could be whole in myself.

>> So your anxiety's OK now?

What's happening?

>> No, it's better for sure
because I feel like growing up

with wanting to
be good in school,

wanting to be good at sports,
wanting to do all this kind

of stuff-- you know,
the American dream--

you have to grow up.

You have to make a
certain amount of money.

You have to have a
certain amount of cars.

You have to get the shoes
that the neighbor has.

You know what I mean?

You know exactly what I mean.

>> Well, some of it's valid.

I mean, if you
don't go to school,

and you don't get As,
you don't get a good job.

There's a lot in common.

>> But whatever it is, it
puts a lot of pressure on us.

Once you get older, you
don't need that stuff.

You realize you don't need
that same kind of pressure

from society anymore.

We make our own choices.

So I went on this trip to--

that stuff did create
anxiety in my life.

And when I was younger, I would
get drunk with my friends.

I'd smoke weed.

I don't know how
many times I did it.

You didn't see anxiety.

I didn't even know that that's
why I was doing it, but now,

I can figure out--

>> So how did you figure
out that you had anxiety?

When did this
anxiety thing pop up?

>> Just I had it.

I had panic attacks
when I lived in Europe.

In Bali, had it
a couple of times

where I went to
the emergency room

because my heart was
beating at a different rate,

and I couldn't feel my face.

I used to call mom
sometimes and pull over

on the side of the highway when
I was like 20, 21, couldn't

even talk.

>> I'll be straight.

I could tell you that I
never had anxiety ever.

I could fix your anxiety,
a little 10% you got left,

it's either a right
hand or a left hook.

Which would you prefer?

>> You think what will fix it?

>> That's the end
of your anxiety.

You wake up, you'll be healed.

You are going to say, I
don't want that shit again,

so my anxiety is gone.

It's all good, bro.

>> Well, it wasn't all good,
and now it's getting better.

That's one thing
that's happening.

>> It should get better.

I mean, 10 million miles
later, and you know?

>> Yeah.

>> Instead of seeing it
just as craziness out there,

begin to see it as suffering,
because we see it on ourselves.

We see the suffering that
a lot of these mindsets

of greed and desire, wanting,
and hatred and fear that

are playing out in the world.

We've seen that in our own
minds and see the suffering,

understand the suffering of it.

Of course, a lot of
good work, great work,

can be done at
alleviating and addressing

the symptoms of the suffering.

But what's the cause?

What's the underlying
cause of these problems?

>> Well, I think as a species,
we have to realize that there

is a solution to the problem.

I mean, there is a way
to stop our suffering.

We have to find out what the
root of this suffering is,

and if we look carefully, we
can see that this egoic, I,

belief set that we have.

It comes from some software
that we generated for ourselves

35,000 years ago that was
very useful at the time.

Now, it's not working.

People from chimpanzees
6 million years ago.

We went through 6 million
years minus 75,000 years,

and we were just like--
there were four other species

like us running around,
very, very competitive.

And so we said,
what we got to do?

Somehow, we developed this way
of saying, OK, symbolic logic.

I can represent this
by drawing that.

I can point to this, and you'll
know, Oh, that's this thing.

That may sound simple,
but that's a big deal

because then there's a you,
a subject, and an object

out here that you
can refer to, and we

can begin talking about other
things in complicated ways.

And so what happened
75,000 years ago,

we developed this
subject-doing-object

relationship with this
symbolic language.

Once we did, then we had this
I The I's in there, planted.

The I is right
there, and the I's

involved in everything that goes
on, common across our species.

Once we learned how to
do that, we kicked ass.

I mean, the other
four species, gone.

And we shouldn't have won.

There were bigger, stronger,
bigger-brained species.

They should have beat us.

They didn't.

We wiped them off the surface--

But at the same time, we
eventually came out of that.

And we said, we really are
going to control the package

and we did.

With that knowledge,
that symbolic logic,

and the structures,
the I structure,

this piece of software-- that's
all it, a piece of software--

we wiped up the planet,
for good or bad.

And that now is our problem.

We've got this egoic structure,
and you can see it everywhere

you look.

There's a big ego sitting there.

And this ego is what's
running the process

and screwing everything up.

>> We've lost ourselves
in objective experience.

We have allowed ourselves
to become immersed

in and therefore,
apparently limited

by our objective
experience to the extent

that that's what
we think we are.

We think I am this bundle of
thoughts, images, feelings,

memories, activities,
relationships.

Now, most people are so
involved in their experience

that they don't notice.

They overlook or forget
their essential self,

and this overlooking
of ourselves,

this is the ignoring of
the essential element

of our experience.

What is there for
him to do to stop

trying to put an
end to his suffering

by seeking to change his
activities, relationships,

et cetera, but to
investigate who he truly is.

And to begin with, that will
require some exploration.

[CHANTING]

>> The root causes of suffering
can be described in many ways.

And different
spiritual traditions

may describe it differently, but
certainly, the sense of the ego

self is definitely--

you could call that
basic ignorance

where we've created this
notion, this sense of self,

this sense of I, very deeply
conditioned, really deeply

habituated.

But it's really a construct.

[CHANTING]

And of course, the
meditative process

is to see that this
very notion is illusory,

that there's a conventional
meaning to the sense of self

and I, and it has
a use, but it also

has a danger because
as long as there's

that view, then
what is it that we

do around this sense of self?

We try to gratify it.

We defend it.

We aggrandize it.

We judge it.

We do all kinds of things.

But meditation takes
us to a deeper level

where we say, OK, what
is it that we're actually

calling self?

And when we look deeper, we
see the constituent elements

that go in.

And this is just helpful
because then we're

not so attached to this idea,
to this concept, of self.

The more we can let go of the
self-centeredness which is just

what ego means--

there is a self-center
that we gravitate around--

when we see through that,
then the natural expression

of that insight is compassion,
is connection, is love.

>> I had a dad who
is very strong.

Nothing's good enough.

You have to keep going.

You have to score more
goals, hit more home

runs, better, better, better.

Somehow, it was
a beautiful thing

because I became successful
financially and materially

and accomplished these things,
but I feel like somehow,

where I'm being drawn to
is the complete opposite.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> This ego part of myself
is so strong and so powerful.

It's been just fed for the
last 34 years of my life.

It's being fed and
fed and fed and fed,

just getting stronger
and stronger and stronger

and stronger, telling
me that I need this.

I need that.

I need this.

I need that.

And it was really overwhelming
to see like, shit,

this is causing so
much stress in my life

because I'm allowing myself
to get caught up in this race

of how can I get more stuff.

What I would really like to
hear for myself and understand

is like the suffering part.

I suffer, to be honest.

I do-- I don't know if
it's daily or weekly.

It just varies.

It's not on a
schedule or something,

but I do have anxiety.

I do feel fear.

I do feel like
sometimes, my mind

is just controlling my life.

>> Out of control, totally.

>> What can I do really
to be free from that?

>> We say we can
look at self-inquiry.

Mata Maharshi, probably the
sage of the 20th century,

said, just look for the
I just to ask, who am I,

over and over and
over and over again.

Western philosophy,
only one or two people

ever even looked at the
possibility of questioning

the I. Eastern folks did it.

Where am I?

>> During like-- meditate
and just on that "make that

my mantra" kind of thing?

Who am I?

>> No, not a mantra
though, not a mantra.

What we're trying to do
is get really curious.

>> Is it simple
enough to say like,

if we don't want
to feel suffering,

to just don't do things
that make us suffer.

>> But even more fundamental
than that is saying, OK,

let's just deconstruct
the sufferer.

If we don't have the sufferer,
there is no suffering.

There are an infinite number
of pleasures and possibilities

and desires and thoughts,
but there's only one I,

because it's there in every
thought, every desire.

Every lack, there's an I there.

And if you just keep
going after that I,

don't get sucked into stories.

Just keep coming back
into, what is this I?

Where is this I?

When I ask, where is James?

Oh, James is sitting here.

No, well, really
where is James though?

Well, James is
someplace in here.

No, he's not though.

And you keep watching, keep
asking, now, where is James?

And you find out that in fact,
James isn't a real thing.

Every time, James will meet
somebody, a different person--

you talk to Mark, or
if you talk to Anna,

there's a different
James who shows up

for those two situations.

You watch carefully, you can see
there are two different Jameses

there.

And if you watch yourself
in the course of day,

you can see lots of Jameses.

What's the deal here?

How important can James be if
he's got whole pack of them?

Which one do we believe is real?

If you put yourself
in the scanner,

you can look at your brain.

You can say, hold it, we
can't find James anyplace.

We can find lots of
Jameses, but James

is just an ad hoc entity
created as waves of energy sweep

across the cortex.

Scientifically, we can show
you there is no James there.

>> So according to all
that stuff, who is James?

Who am I?

>> Well, that's the question.

You're only now, now, now.

You aren't becoming now.

You're only now.

There is no past.

There's only this very moment.

Not I will be present now.

No, you are only there.

Only beingness.

There's no one being.

There's just beingness.

[TRANQUIL MUSIC]

>> It's difficult not to
evaluate the experience almost

aesthetically, if
you know what I mean.

Not to think of-- even having
the idea of a good meditation

here.

They're always telling
you, oh, there's

no such thing as
good meditation.

Ah, maybe.

So I know what I want.

I want cessation of self.

I want, ah, bliss.

There was nothingness for a
while because on some level,

we know I've put
this thing together.

It's not really who I am.

You stare too long in a
mirror, you freak yourself out

whether you're on acid or not.

It gets to a point
where you think,

who's looking back at me now?

Who is that?

Where is the distinction?

>> This is the process
of self-inquiry.

I would start by asking,
tell me about yourself

and chances are the person would
start with something like, I'm

a schoolteacher, and
straightaway, I would say,

no, you haven't always
been a school teacher,

and you probably won't
always be a school teacher.

So I want to know
about yourself.

Can you tell me about yourself?

So then the person might
say, well, I'm 34 years old.

Again, I would comment, but you
haven't always been 34 years.

You were still yourself
when you were 13 years old.

So yourself cannot have
any particular age.

So I'm presuming, of course,
that, that person understands.

It's very easy to understand.

Nothing extraordinary, nothing
mystical, nothing spiritual.

Just inviting the person
to go deeper and deeper

into their sense of themselves,
a sense of their being

what they've called,
I, all their life.

The person may then refer
to some bodily sensation.

Again, I would point out that
our bodily sensations change

innumerable times
throughout the day,

let alone throughout our lives.

So no actual experience of the
body is inherent to begin with.

They would describe thoughts,
feelings, and activities,

but as the conversation
went on, there

would be longer and
longer periods of silence

as they tried to find something
in their own experience which

they could say, this is
with me when I'm dreaming.

It's with me when
I'm deeply asleep.

It's with me
whatever I'm feeling.

It's with me at
whatever age I've been,

in whatever circumstance
I find myself.

So they would begin to
struggle to put a name to that.

What is it in our experience
that qualifies as I?

Obviously, no thought, no
feeling, no bodily sensation,

no activity, no
relationship, qualifies as I

because these are continually
leaving us and reappearing

and leaving us.

So the self-inquiry begins
with this tracing back

of the attention.

I'm not my thoughts.

I am that which is
aware of my thoughts.

I'm not my feelings.

I am that which is
aware of my feelings.

We trace our way back until we
get simply to that which I am.

The only element that
remains with us all the time

is our essential being or our
essential self-aware being,

and at some point, there
is this recognition,

I am pure awareness.

That's just the recognition
of our true nature.

And we've lost
touch in most cases

with our essential self which
is not a thought or a feeling,

an activity, or
relationship, and is

above all, inherently peaceful
and unconditionally fulfilled.

In other words, it is the place
in us of peace and happiness.

But most of us have overlooked
that or forgotten it

in favor of the objective
content of our experience.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> So is suffering
kind of an illusion?

>> Yes.

Very good, very good, very good.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

It's not real.

>> But it feels so real.

It feels real.

It's a tricky--

>> Yes, yes.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> So by cultivating silence
and self-investigation,

those are the ways to
disconnect from the mind?

Are those the ways
to bypass the mind,

to disidentify with the mind?

>> Yes.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

[CHANTING]

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> I was just in India
not too long ago,

and I was studying with
an amazing kind of guru,

spiritual teacher, and we were
having an incredible chat.

And at one point
during the talk,

I realized with suffering
and this I, or the ego,

and separation, it kind
of was understood by me

that it's an illusion.

But I understood
it on one level,

but when I'm having an
anxiety attack or I'm--

>> Not enough.

>> It's like, this doesn't
feel like an illusion to me.

I can't breathe.

If this is fake--

So I feel still a little
bit confused about it.

>> If James has bad thoughts,
problematic anxiety, fear,

traumatic thoughts, then
that's one kind of a thought.

You can feel the difference.

You can feel that
one, and you can feel,

I think we should shoot this
afternoon or this morning

or tomorrow.

That's a different
thought from, oh my god,

this is a horrible fiasco.

This is a terrible thing.

My business is failing.

Those feel differently.

>> So are those
thoughts the suffering?

The ones that
cause the problems?

Is that--

>> That's it.

>> --maybe your
definition of suffering?

>> That's it.

If these kind of
thoughts are quiet,

and most people, 99%
of their thoughts

are these kind of
thoughts, the bad thoughts,

and so if you can
quiet those down,

you gain a huge
amount of bandwidth.

The whole thing is--

now, this thing
is quiet in here.

There's just nothing going on.

It's just quiet.

>> And do you feel like you
still suffer from those things

at all-- anxiety,
fear, separation,

all the things that
you're talking about?

>> No.

>> So you don't feel like
you suffer at all in life?

Do you know how you did it or--?

>> I went into self-inquiry,
inquiring who you are and what

you are, and it worked.

You watch your thoughts.

You could watch your thoughts.

You could see all
that taking place.

They all had an I in them.

Part of this stuff that
I do, this practice,

is getting rid of
your attachments

because the attachments
really generate the I.

They work together.

I want this green tea.

I have to have the green tea.

If I don't, oh my
gosh, it got terrible.

So you just deconstruct
all those attachments.

And so that drives you
forward because as you

start to take apart James,
you find a lot of resistance.

So a lot of James' stories
about this and that,

a lot of old memories,
a lot of old traumas,

and there's ways to push through
those, to look at them and say,

where's the James in this one?

You look at your attachments
and what's attachment to that.

There's a James there attached
to the car or the reputation

or the story or whatever,
and you say, well, those

are all parts of James.

You can break all
those down, but you've

got to decide, hey,
this is serious.

I can't just buy another
car, get another girlfriend,

get more drugs, rock and roll.

I've got to somehow
fix this thing.

I'm responsible for this mess.

Everyone has to feel that.

And change.

If they don't change,
the ship sinks.

Titanic goes down.

>> How do we fix it?

>> If you first begin
to recognize, look,

I don't need to suffer.

I said, fuck it.

Pardon my French, fuck it.

I don't want to suffer anymore.

I'm done suffering.

This has to stop.

Do you need to suffer?

>> No.

>> OK.

Because that's an
important part.

When you get to that point, then
you'll do anything to get free.

But it needs to get there.

>> I think I'm at that point.

>> How much are you
willing to surrender?

Accept, let go,
are words we use,

but we don't like to
use the word, surrender.

But to me, it came down to
when I totally surrendered.

I was totally held,
totally, completely.

I have no sense
of doing anything.

>> You don't have to
understand it right now.

That will come later.

It's OK.

>> I feel it a lot
right now, and my face,

it's like really tingling.

>> Yeah.

Yeah.

It may not be the ideal
situation to do this in.

Don't do it if it's
not right for you,

but see if you can allow
yourself to make some sound.

>> [BREATHES OUT].

>> Yeah, that's it.

It's difficult but
try not to control it.

Yeah, try and let the sound
out as much as you can.

And then tell me a little bit.

>> It's something new for me.

We didn't learn about
this stuff growing up.

They don't teach
this stuff at school.

This isn't what they taught
us at church and all that.

Its a different thing.

I met a couple of
people on this trip

in India, a teacher,
a guy in New York,

and they said, by
learning these things,

learning how to be more
present and stuff like that,

they actually don't
get angry, ever.

They're not making
bad decisions.

>> That's a process.

You're not born that way.

>> No, definitely.

Well, maybe we
are born that way,

and then stuff happens in
our life which changes us.

I don't think we're
born as little assholes.

>> Well, it's learned behavior.

You learn how to be an
asshole and then you

learn, you unlearn, whatever.

>> Yeah, it was definitely
interesting, that's for sure.

I went to Peru also.

You want to know
what I did in Peru?

>> No, tell me.

There's monks and
everything else, right?

>> No, in Peru,
there's no monks.

Those are shamans.

We drank-- we went one
month in the jungle in Peru,

and there's this stuff
called ayahuasca.

Have you ever heard of that?

>> No.

>> They take this vine that
grows above ground like a vine,

and they take a leaf
from another plant,

and there's priests.

Then at night, you sit in
a room with 12 people--

>> And you drink it?

>> And you drink it.

>> It was you.

They watch you.

>> No, 12-- everybody drinks it.

>> Yeah, yeah, they're
experimenting on you.

>> No, no, they weren't
experimenting on me.

It was crazy, but I
started to have that panic

attack before I drank it.

I was like crying and shaking.

I didn't even drink
this stuff yet.

And I drank it.

>> I wouldn't have drank it.

I would have faked it.

I would have been like, yeah--

I wouldn't have drank it at all.

>> Yeah, but I felt like
I was fighting this thing,

and then the fourth
time I did it--

we were there for like a
month, and I did it 5 times--

>> You drank the
juice five times?

>> Yeah.

But the fourth
time, I figured out

that I was like fighting
this thing-- they call

it a medicine-- they're
like doctors actually,

and this is like
a natural medicine

that God told them about.

That's what they say.

But some people leave with
no depression or anxiety,

or some people are suicidal,
and they go, and it helps them.

It fixes-- it can help
people fix their problems,

and for me, I felt
it really helped

because I felt like
a lot of the anxiety

I had because I feel I try
to control stuff to always

be in control of everything
in my life, and with that kind

of stuff, you can't
be in control.

So it's hard because you start
freaking out at the beginning

because your body and your
mind and all that stuff,

you just can't do anything.

You're totally out of control.

>> You're lucky you didn't piss
yourself in front of all those

people.

>> I was hearing all this stuff
from these teachers and these

gurus and people that I
saw about how suffering is

an illusion and that it
doesn't really exist,

but I was still
feeling suffering.

So I really wanted to
take ayahuasca and work

with that medicine to
see if I could access

that place in myself where the
suffering didn't exist anymore.

>> When you start to
analyze your life,

you start to question what
is the nature of reality,

what is the nature of truth,
and it seems that there is more

than one answer
to that question.

This isn't all reality, then
who is it behind the eyes?

When I think to myself,
who's I and who's myself?

How can I have a simultaneous
subjective objective experience

in my own consciousness?

Who's talking in there
and who's listening?

There's at least two people
in every single human mind.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> Coming to the surface of all
the shadows and all the lies

and getting back to a sense of
what is the truth and how can

we know it, maybe there's
something more than the game

show reality.

I'm being sold, and
they discover it.

And when they do,
then they're sort of

perplexed because
they're not seeing it

on the cover of
the New York Times,

but it's the most
important thing

that's ever happened to them.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> Ayahuasca is an amazing
medicine that been known about

for centuries and brewed in the
Amazon by the combining of two

elements.

What it is, is you
have the vine and then

you have the leaf,
so the combination

of the vine and
the leaf in a tea

allows the DMT to
become orally active.

DMT is one of the most powerful
psychoactive agents ever

discovered, and it happens
to be a naturally-occurring

neurotransmitter in everyone.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

>> It's helpful to understand
that this is a pathway.

This is not just a medicine
that we can drink or ingest

that's just going
to fix our problems.

In so many ways, we have become
dismembered, disconnected,

dislocated, dislodged,
as a result of trauma,

so now, we see in the West
that our medical system is not

able to address the root
causes of the chronic issues

that we face typically on
the physchoemotional level.

So the epidemic of
depression, anxiety,

stress that we see in the modern
world is not being addressed

by our medical system.

Ayahuasca and the tradition
that surrounds ayahuasca

does offer us an opportunity
to really address

the root causes of
stress, depression,

and anxiety
fundamentally by clearing

the barriers, the blockages,
the difficulties, the traumas

that we've been through and
accumulated over our life

to purge them out,
to cleanse them.

When we cleanse
them, we then find

ourselves being able to live
in a much more authentic way,

feeling a sense of
presence, feeling

a sense of coherence, of flow,
and connection in our life.

So ayahuasca, in a
nutshell, is really

helping us to
remember who we are.

We forget who we
are because we get

too trapped in the conditions
and patterns and programs that

have been laid in, often in our
childhood, that take us away

from presence and authenticity.

>> Nobody should be going into
this sacred experience with

a view to recreation.

This is not what it's about.

It's not about that at all.

It's about deep, often very
troubling, personal work.

If you're prepared to do that
work, it can be transformatory.

What ayahuasca is
going to show you

is the plain, unvarnished truth
about yourself and the impact,

either positive or
negative or a bit of both,

that you have in the world.

You're going to get that
message loud and clear,

sooner or later, maybe not
your first session, maybe not

your 10th, but
sooner or later, it

is going to hit
you like a rocket.

>> When you have a really
powerful ayahuasca experience,

it's like the rapids that you're
going down in your imagination.

One dimension after
another is coming at you,

and it's just overwhelming.

There's no way that
you can control it.

And so the best is
to surrender to it

and to orient toward your
most deep center of your soul.

>> When you open that door to
the realm beyond the material

realm, you're opening it to
everything that's in there.

>> Whatever comes
up, just let it come.

It's OK.

That's it.

I'm going to go
out on a limb here.

I'm guessing there's a little
bit of control going on there.

Does not make any sense?

>> Yeah, I can feel it.

>> Sorry, what?

>> Yeah.

>> Yes.

OK.

What happens when
I say that, James?

>> I feel more emotions come up.

>> OK, just let them be there.

Just allow them space.

It's safe to feel your heart.

See, I may not be right,
but I have a slight feeling

that there's
something that wants

to put that screen to sleep,
shut it up, not be so noisy.

Does that make sense?

>> Yeah.

I also feel like this physical--

>> Yeah, a lot of--

>> --this shaky-- like
I can shake away this.

That it actually feels
good to shake away the--

like let it out.

>> Yeah, do a bit more of that
and see if you can make some

sound with it.

Argh.

Aargh.

>> [GRUNTS].

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

>> [GRUNTS LOUDLY].

>> Yeah, that's great.

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING].

>> [CRIES].

>> Yeah.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

>> Get out of the way.

There's something there.

There's something there.

And if you get out
of the way, you

feel like it just comes
through in a variety of colors

and flavors and all
manner of permutations.

You have to be
completely, completely,

and absolutely present.

You have to fall into it.

You have to surrender.

I sense that there is
just a oneness continually

communicating with itself.

The infinite is
expressing itself

through the temporal that
between our consciousness,

your consciousness and my
consciousness, we are one.

I don't know, mate.

I don't know what
we're going to do.

Luckily, you don't
live that long.

And it's good, innit,
to just take the piss

because none of it's real.

This is a little curtain, and
you come behind the curtain,

you see that it's all silly,
go back behind the curtain

and worry about death
again for a bit.

How long is there now?

Maximum 50, 60 years, then
it's the old boneyard.

>> Yes, I was in Peru not
too long ago and stayed there

for a month in Amazon, deep,
and we worked with the Shipibo

people.

And we did some very intense
ayahuasca ceremonies.

It was the first time in my life
that I ever tried ayahuasca,

and yeah, it was a
pretty intense place

to go for the first round.

And the first night,
I was kind of mellow,

and I didn't really have
much of an experience,

so the second night,
I drank much more.

And before I even
drank the medicine,

I was having crazy anxiety
attacks before I even

drank it, just pure panic.

And then I realized something.

I realized I was trying
to control something.

I was trying to
control the medicine,

and I wasn't really
willing to let go.

And I had this thought of
like, what the fuck am I doing?

I'm here in Peru in the
jungle drinking ayahuasca,

and I'm trying to control
something that can't really

be controlled.

And then I completely let go.

>> Yeah, great insight.

>> Everything.

And everything changed.

I feel like I even
let go of life.

I remember having a thought
of, well, if this is death

or I'm dying right now,
I'm OK with it, which

is something that
was huge for me

because I always had
this fear of dying

and felt like I actually
did die on some level.

>> Wow.

>> But it was OK.

And I was just like [EXHALES].

>> But you had reached that
point of surrendering even

your life in that limited
form to the great flow,

and that is beyond your control,
letting die the controller

and getting in touch with
the great controller.

>> But I still do suffer
in my life from anxiety.

And I feel it coming, and then
I do the same kind of thing

where I start to
control, try to control.

Oh, what's happening?

What's that feeling?

What's coming up in me?

And I guess, what you just
said makes a lot of sense.

I have to maybe treat it
like I did with the ayahuasca

and somehow completely
surrender to the feelings

that I have instead of trying
to control them, maybe.

>> Exactly.

You were still there after
you surrendered, right?

You were still there
and identifying

with that witness that's
still there always, no matter

what happens on the outside.

>> I think first and foremost,
we have to concede that we are

dealing with a gigantic mystery.

What we're here to do,
as best as we possibly

can in one lifetime or
in multiple lifetimes,

is to explore that mystery and
understand, try to understand,

what all this magic is
about because surely,

it's a magical thing,
an enchanted thing

to live in this universe, to
live on this beautiful planet.

Where I see the light is an
awakening of consciousness,

that people all around
the world are waking up

to this fundamental fact
that we are not our knees,

we are not our shoulders,
we are not our skulls,

we are our consciousness.

>> The most transforming effect
of this recognition is that it

puts us in touch with the place
of happiness in ourselves,

and it brings an end to the
impossible and unfulfillable

search for happiness in
objective experience.

It doesn't even mean to
say that we necessarily

stopped desiring activities
and relationships

but we desire them not in order
to find happiness in them,

we desire them in order to
express or celebrate or share

the happiness or the peace
that we have already felt.

>> I've never done psychedelics.

I'm still a psychedelic virgin.

>> We're going to
change that right now.

We actually have
some LSD in there.

>> Everybody I work with
has done everything.

So I'm the only virgin,
but yeah, I just

was trying to find
some way through.

>> So through meditation,
through practicing yoga--

I'm just interested to
know the different methods

that you used to
end the suffering.

>> But the core of
it is just this,

how do we deconstruct this I?

When you completely
surrender, it happens.

Like that.

>> God, how many people
I think are even aware--

>> It is possible.

>> --of what this thing is that
they could actually have access

to.

>> That's right.

That's right.

And everybody's felt it.

There's something in
our life, everybody's

at someplace had a--

oh, wow.

It goes away there.

It wasn't caused by
an orgasm or something

that-- just had a little
window into some other space.

It was like, what is that?

And quickly, the brain,
conditioned very heavily,

plasters it over.

Oh, pay no attention to
the man behind the screen.

I mean, just get
it out of the way.

But if you recognize, you can
have that, that little window

that you had, that little,
oh wow, what is that?

That's real.

You can be in this blissful,
transcendent, OMG state

all the time.

You can just be there.

Life still goes on.

These bodies still have
behaviors that they do.

But in fact, what's
inside is vast stillness.

You still pick up
coffee and tea,

and move it around the
table and everything else.

But in fact, what's
happening inside

isn't anything to do with that.

The body still does
what bodies do.

But in fact, you've
moved far beyond that.

You can see that all
of this is a dream.

None of this is real.

You're in a whole
different place.

You're not there anymore.

I mean, if you're in now, now,
now, to really just be there.

There is no past, literally.

There's no recollection of
what took place 10 seconds ago.

There's just now and
now and now and now.

It's a whole different world.

>> [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH].

You feel bliss because the
bliss pass through you.

>> The path, in the sense that
I'm on, is trying to figure out

how to quiet my mind and not
be controlled by thoughts,

not let my emotions control
me, be who I really am,

and not pretend to
be somebody else.

When we're kids, we
have to be a certain way

so that our teachers like
us, so that our parents are

happy with us, so that
the society works,

you know what I mean?

>> Mm-Hmm.

>> We can't actually
be ourselves.

So we pretend to be
something else that we think

everybody else wants us to be.

And just that idea in
itself causes us to suffer,

and we don't even realize it.

It causes us from reaching
our full potential,

you know what I mean?

And from what I
learned traveling

around the world talking to
all these amazing people,

smart people, scientists,
people every different religion,

the way to kind of
fix all this stuff

is to really just be in
the moment, to be present.

>> Well, that's the
bottom line, I guess.

I'm a bottom line type of guy.

>> If you'll try it,
I'll give you some CDs.

You can listen to and see.

If you say you're present
all the time anyway,

it'll be easy for you.

Just kick it on--

>> Oh, I'm present
when it's important.

When it's important,
I'm present.

>> What's not important?

>> Well, I'm here.

I'm here visiting with you.

That's important for me to
be in the moment, right?

>> I think, also, I didn't
realize how important life is.

>> Yeah, yeah.

It goes by quick.

Yeah, goes by quick, real quick.

>> But you said like, being
present when things are

important.

What I'm saying is,
what's not important?

>> Oh, some things
are not important.

>> Everything is important.

Every minute is like a gift.

>> Yeah.

You figure it out, carve your
little circle out, and do you.

What you can never change
what other people think

or act or feel, that's for sure.

>> I don't want to do that.

>> I stopped watching the
news and reading the newspaper

a long time ago because
you can't change the news,

but the news can change you.

Nothing you can do about what's
happening on the 8 o'clock

news, but I'd better
get out of here.

They're going to--

>> You want to go to
the jazz place later?

>> Yeah, yeah, for sure.

>> They got some jazz--

>> Jazz out.

>> --ginger ale.

>> Yeah.

Cranberry, bro.

>> Cranberry juice.

>> I live it up.

At night, cranberry and
pineapple something.

It looks like a drink
so you could perpetrate

with the pineapple juice.

Sometimes, I'd say,
give me a umbrella.

Yeah.

You got to eat, bro.

You need a big steak.

Stop messing around, eat a
big steak, get it over with.

>> I'm not going eat a steak.

>> I get the vegan
thing for a month.

>> No, I've been doing
it for like eight years.

>> Get down with a steak.

Big Texas cattleman.

>> You tried the
vegetarian thing too--

>> Yeah, I know.

I know.

I was hungry.

>> --for a year.

You did like a year, right?

>> Yeah, year and a half.

I'm about to go back though.

I got to just get off, just
eat chicken for a few weeks,

and then get off the chicken.

>> Or fish.