Charles and Lucie (1979) - full transcript
Charles and Lucie, an old and poor couple, inherits a luxurious house in the South of France.
North Star...
Number 10, in the 5th race.
You sure?
It's a cinch.
When do I get to see
that antique gown?
I told you, Leon: not before 6 p.m.
Lucy cleans an apartment upstairs
between 6 and 7 p.m.
We got time: it's 4 p.m.
You mean 6 p.m.!
Sure that watch keeps time?
Eisenhower wore this watch on D-Day.
At $50 it's a steal.
Mind the stall for me.
I like your suit.
A gift from Lucie.
Can't be sold.
Come on: we have to do this fast!
Won't you sell that dresser?
I told you:
Lucie's attached to it.
It was her mother's.
Too bad.
We could get $500 for it.
And the vase?
A gift from her uncle in Bordeaux.
The victrola?
A gift from her niece in Strasbourg.
Don't touch that!
It's a gift from her god-child.
What's he?
A gift from the zoo?
Very funny.
Forget it:
a portrait of her grand-ma.
It's her prize possession!
Take a look...
...under the newspapers.
Further back...
Nice compact!
Sterling silver!
In another month or two...
it'll be all mine.
I push it in further every day.
Once Lucie's forgotten it...
Get the idea?
It was her costume
when she sang in Marseilles.
She was the warm-up act
for Edith Piaf.
A collector's item,
original label and all...
$150.
$75.
$100.
I'm finished. See you tomorrow.
Can you get me down
another pot of jam, please?
I got YOU One yesterday!
My system needs sugar.
Not again!
Give it to me!
Give it back! It's mine.
No, it's a picture of me!
You just lost a housekeeper!
You're quitting?
Charles can take over.
Photograph him!
Not Charles. I want you!
You!
My costume!
Thief! How could you?
I was only having it appraised!
Appraised?
Did you also sell my photograph?
Only the frame.
I promise I won't do it again.
Please stop crying.
I can't stand it...
I've had it... I'm exhausted.
It's all so depressing...
I'm sick of being a cleaning woman...
We never have any fun.
This isn't living... It's enduring.
Now you want to sell my souvenirs...
They're all I have left...
I'm only doing if for you.
With a little extra money,
we could live better...
Get a job!
I'm doing my best...
It's hard running an outdoor stall.
Me with my backache,
my ulcer, my poor bones...
Bones? Lazybones!...
What if I sat on my ass?
What if I relied on welfare?
It's starting to act up again.
What's the matter?
Quick, drink up.
Feel better?
Take your medicine.
- Medicine...
- Your pills...
Two!
Relax...
Better?
A little bit.
Those were the days...
I wish you could've seen me.
I was young and beautiful.
You still are... To me.
That's different.
At what age did you start?
I was 18.
What was the date again?
June 12, 1947.
Remember how much you made?
Sure! $18.
Do you want to hock my soul, too?
Sell me at the flea-market?
By the way,
I got a good offer for the dresser.
I forgot to tell you:
As of tomorrow,
you're doing the cleaning upstairs.
Cleaning?
And my slipped disk?
Slip it into some work.
ASLEEP
What?
You didn't forget
the sweepstake tickets?
Of course not.
You woke me up for that?
I dreamt we'd won...
Mrs. Roussel?
That's me.
My compliments.
What do you want?
Michel Nérac:
in the office of M. de la Madriguére.
My mission is confidential.
May I come in?
Please sit down.
We had a hard time finding you.
Every one knows me!
I'm afraid not.
You disappeared
from your last address.
Charles gave up
his antique business in 1963.
Not a trace of you
since the bankruptcy...
Do you have proof of your identity?
- If you're a cop...!
- No fear...
It has to do with
your wife's inheritance...
I'm sure you'll understand...
An inheritance?
Perfect.
Yes!
I'm delighted to inform you...
that you are the sole heir...
of the late Miss Virginia Spring,
who died last August 17th
in Boston, Massachusetts, USA.
We were related?
Not directly. She was a 2nd cousin...
of your late brother Pierre.
A first cousin of poor Pierre?
Twice removed.
You've been genealogically
established as the sole heir.
If she owed money...
Quite the opposite.
You've inherited an estate
known as: "Open Spaces"
in Hyéres, on the Riviera,
at 34 Albert Einstein Avenue.
15 rooms, 4 baths,
1500 square feet of living space,
set on...
3 acres of woodland,
with a garage and a lodge.
Estimated value: $600,000.
In addition,
you'll draw $2,500 a month...
in interest
from a Swiss bank account,
to commence once you formally
accept the inheritance.
I almost forgot:
the legacy also includes a car,
license number 8894GL92,
currently in storage outside Paris.
Do something!
Get some water!
My nightingale!
Please! I beg you! Come to!
Take it away!
This is no time to faint.
We're rich!
Lucie, please...
My sweetheart.
How many rooms did you say?
The car, how much horsepower?
Is there a tennis court and a pool?
Do we have to pay taxes
on the Swiss account?
That hurts!
When do I get the money?
Let's meet tomorrow
in Mr. de la Madriguére's office.
- 3 p.m.?
- Earlier?
3 p.m.'s fine.
I'll show you out.
Say goodbye!
I'm honored, Madame.
Nutsy!
We're rich!
See you tomorrow at 3 p.m.
- Wait!
- What is it?
There was a legacy
That was lunacy
When the tailor died without a will
His children, his cousins
His neighbors by dozens
Everyone wanted a share
of his upholstered chair
His pets and his pans and his brooms
Were treated like precious heirlooms...
What about your ulcer
and your slipped-disk?
Who wants to be sick
when you're rich.
Here it is.
What's the big idea?
To intimidate them.
It'll make you sick.
Maybe, but I won't get taken.
Let's go.
Right on time!
Please come in.
We're ready to sign the papers.
Fine.
Before we discuss
the genealogist's expenses
and my personal fee,
I must ask you to make a deposit,
as required by the tax laws,
so you can take up your inheritance.
But of course!
Excellent
It's only... $3,000.
Am I to understand
you don't have the money?
We'll borrow it,
using the inheritance as collateral.
That's impossible.
You can't borrow against
something that isn't yours.
Soon it will be...
The law is the law.
Furthermore,
I've incurred considerable expenses.
Perhaps you could borrow
against your inventory?
I see here you're an antique-dealer.
- Antique-dealer!
- Right.
I'll say!
Can't even tell an original from a fake!
I beg your pardon?
He sold everything we owned
to buy 2 Picasso's.
Deal of the century!
Both were worthless copies!
There may still be a solution.
The house you'll inherit
is lavishly furnished...
Why not sell your old furniture?
A good idea,
if the furniture is of value...
I've got a dresser
that's worth a fortune.
That's not fair!
After all I've done for you!
To turn down a fortune
for that dresser!
It has sentimental value!
Some people have feelings...
even if you don't!
My clerk's suggestion isn't bad.
Why not think it over?
We'll leave you alone a while.
Come with me.
Listen, Lucie...
Spare me your ulcer routine!
What do you want?
To be a caretaker forever?
To scrub stairs
and listen to tenants complain?
To clean house for old lechers?
At least someones interested!
I can see us there already...
Overlooking the beach...
Every morning
I bring you breakfast in bed...
I wake you up with a kiss,
and ask:
"Did my little jewel sleep well?"
Gently, you open one eye...
I caress your lovely tanned face
and ask:
"What does my little mermaid
feel like today?
A swim at Eden Roc?
Shopping in St. Tropez?
Or shall we stroll arm-in-arm
through our property?"
You'd love me the way you did
when we first met?
My Riviera ruby...!
Let's do it...
Let's sell it all!
- One scale.
- Check.
One dresser.
Can't I keep that?
Sorry, lady. It's on the list.
Forgive me, Augustine.
Bastard!
What's going on?
The old lecher...
He's dropping rotten eggs on my car.
Just because I'm rich!
Creep!
Look, Nutsy...
Olive trees!
Gorse...
Lavender, thyme...
It smells so good!
You don't-belong in a cage.
Find yourself a bride,
it's now or never...
Morning, my turtledove.
Is it really true?
What?
We're in the South of France...
Look!
Of course we are.
You slept... I drove.
To our new life!
To our good fortune!
To our new house!
To "Open Spaces"!
And let's also drink...
To us!
It's the Garden of Eden.
I'll buy myself a sailboat...
No, a motor-launch, with a crew...
A second car for you...
so you can do your shopping.
Just because we're rich,
let's not squander...
Squander?
We're only keeping up appearances.
Should we hire servants?
Only if they have good references.
Get out the photographs of the estate.
Are they in our suitcase?
In the glove-compartment.
With my wallet.
Where are we going?
I checked the map.
- But we're leaving town!
- Of course we are.
An estate wouldn't be
in the smoggy downtown area!
Somethings wrong.
This is Einstein Ave.
I saw the sign.
How could that...
be in this neighborhood?
Maybe it's a long avenue,
like in the U.S...
I'd better ask.
Excuse me,
is this Albert Einstein Ave.?
It sure is, Mister.
Einstein Ave., in the city of Hyeres?
That's right.
I don't understand...
I'm looking for this villa...
Nothing like that around here!
No, Sir!
On the back it says,
34 Albert Einstein Ave...
- 34?
- It Says 34.
That's right here, pal.
Well?
There's a mistake.
Check the address on the deed,
In the glove-compartment.
I'm getting there...
That's what it says:
34 Albert Einstein Ave., in Hyerers.
They got the street wrong...
or the city!
What now?
I'm phoning the attorney.
Can I make a call to Paris?
Does the phone company
serve drinks?
OK, one milk-shake and a lemonade.
That'll be $2.50.
Payable now?
Precisely.
Where's the phone?
Here!
Sit down and don't worry.
I'll handle this.
Can I speak to Mr. de la Madriguére...
I said... Mr. de la Madriguére...
the attorney...
What?
What do you mean "that bastard"?
I see...
Give me your name...
Here, talk to the police...
No...
My name wouldn't mean anything...
Well?
The attorney...
...doesn't exist.
What was that?
He's disappeared..
With his clerk... his secretary...
The police are on to it...
They're a well-known gang of crooks...
Their office...
It was only rented for a week.
They sure took you to the cleaner!
Took me to the cleaner?
That's a good one!
Who didn't want to sell?
You, huh?
You and your lawyer!
He wasn't my lawyer...
I knew I shouldn't
have sold my dresser.
You charmer!
"What does my little mermaid
feel like today?"
"A swim at Eden Roc?"
You can have your Riviera.
Your pal Leon rigged it:
to steal my job and my place.
You're crazy!
No, it Was ESP!
It started the day
I saw him with you...
He was doing the groundwork.
He got the dresser and the place.
He suckered you.
You patsy...
You pidgeon... you dummy.
Take it easy...
I can't!
- Don't shout.
- I'll do what I want.
It wasn't a great place,
but it was ours.
What we've got left?... Nothing!
We can sell the car.
Go sell your beloved wheels.
And don't get gypped for once.
Will you wait here?
I might!
Don't push!
It's only a stolen car.
Stolen!
That's what the cops said.
They even had a description
of the thieves,
a middle-aged couple...
- What now?
- I'll tell you later.
Where are we going?
You name it. Out of town.
Now can I know?
The car was stolen.
They had a description...
Beyond the city limits,
the rate goes up.
- My wallet.
You left it in the car.
When the meter reads $15..
Make that $10, you can stop.
Hurry...
At least I saw the sea again.
Where you going?
I'm going away.
Come back!
I don't know how to swim.
Come back!
I forbid you to do it.
I forbid you to leave me.
Then let's go.
Where to?
To the police... To jail.
TO jail!
What for?
We haven't done a thing.
Can you prove we didn't steal the car?
Who cares!
They're searching for us...
You heard them say it.
Let them search...
They haven't found us.
We've got no money... Nothing...
We've got each other.
We'll never be apart.
Never!
You're right!
They'll never catch us.
Never, never!
I'll find work.
I'll earn money, you'll see.
I'll start a business.
I can always go back to appraising...
I don't think that's your forte...
They must've got away at night.
Or we'd have them by now.
Those two stick out.
Especially that big drip...
in a sweater stripped like a wasp,
or so the report said.
But you know reports!
Didn't say much about her...
Thin, in her 60's.
60... d'you realize?
What a world!
If old farts turn to crime...
I give UP
Explain that one!
Let's go back.
I'm working up an appetite.
Do you eat a full breakfast?
Not every day.
If I don't wake up too hungry,
I just eat a mixed salad:
tomatoes, celery,
anchovies, tuna fish...
If I go on duty at 4 a.m.,
then I really lay it on.
Stacks of salted anchovies with garlic.
That'll open your eyes.
Last night,
my wife made garlic mayonnaise.
This morning,
I had some with leftovers
and codfish,
potatoes, an egg,
sliced carrots.
Let's be off.
I'm starving.
Want to surrender?
They'll feed us.
Never!
You need a shave.
You look like a burn.
Breathe deeply.
It cleans the blood.
You won't get fresh air in jail.
What do we do now?
Visit Marseilles!
Get with it! We're alive.
Godammit!
Not on the hi-way.
Why not?
It's too speedy.
You should be ashamed!
My pantyhose is wrecked!
I'm hungry... Hungry!
Let's face it:
to eat, we need money.
Let's sell our rings.
Never...
It would be like divorcing.
What's wrong with them?
Everyone's going nuts.
Turn it inside out.
Think I was spotted?
Notice how he looked at you?
Help me.
That's better.
FOREIGN LEGION
Think they'd feed us?
They don't draft women.
I don't want to...
That's that.
It's the only way.
Really think so?
Even nice girls do it...
Yes, but...
I'm not good enough?
Of course you are.
First step's the hardest...
Wait here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
May I sing you my greatest hit?
Open every bird-cage
It's a lovely day
Let all the birdies fly away
The place for a bird is high on a tree
So open those gates
And set them free...
Get lost, you old hag!
Same to you!
Trollop!
Whore!
Bitch!
Same to you!
Call the police!
Open every bird-cage
It's a lovely day
- What's going on?
- Do you hear?
They've got no taste... C'mon.
This is for you...
It was a lovely song.
You little thief!
Where's that fish?
I wanted to see Marseilles again.
It's new to me.
Nice here, eh?
How's your back? Stitch gone?
It's great.
I'd forgotten all about it...
You, too, you were hungry.
I'll throw this out...
Leave me a page.
I feel like reading.
What a mug!
MAD KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
When does retirement age start?
Never, unless you let it. Why?
Listen.
"Wanted: caretaker of retirement age.
References essential.
Luberon Old-Age Home..."
We apply?
No! In old-age homes
they beat old people.
Later, a
they put them away Wit-h a shot.
- Nonsense!
- It happened
to my great-grandmother.
She died in old-age home.
My mom told me.
Anyway, I'm too young for that job.
Much too young.
Sleep in the church?
When they've closed up?
The station?
The waiting-room never closes.
But the cops make late rounds.
True...
Cops rarely go in churches.
We'll be better off...
They're closing up.
You hide in this one.
I'll go in the other.
I'll meet you later.
We're closing brother.
We've closed.
Too late...
Come back tomorrow.
Hear my confession or else...
I'm known as the "Mad Killer".
I live up to my name.
In that case...
I'll hear you my son...
I've killed, Father...
How many times?
9 times, Father.
How adorable!
What else?
Did you say: adorable?
I said that?
No, I said: How deplorable.
I must stop killing...
How about right now?
Take this.
It's starting again.
Now please...
Do something to help me, Father.
I beg you...
I beg you.
All right...
Get on your knees...
Kneel before the altar
and say one "Hail Mary".
Only one?
Don't you listen?
I said one hundred "Hail Mary's".
Step to it!
Yes, Father.
Come, quick!
Your sweater!
Hands up!
It's not him. Is he inside?
Who?
The Mad Killer?
He escaped yesterday.
Is he inside?
There are only lambs
in the house of God.
Come, my child.
C'mon.
Take it easy.
Where have I seen those two before?
Tickets, please.
What?
75 cents each.
I see...
Got any change?
Please, don't!
Don't shoot!
I got 11 kids!
My wife's expecting twins.
11 and 2 is 13.
That's bad luck.
Drive us out of town.
Stop when we tell you.
Don't try anything.
Whatever you say.
Then get going.
Don't shoot!
Nice and fast!
Public transportation.
All to ourselves.
A gun is... very dangerous...
Look at the lovely...
...landscape...
To your left...
the trigger... I mean the bigger...
the biggest port...
Ships leave for Africa...
For the pyramids...
Don't shoot! To your right...
You see there...
That's Marseilles...
with its nice clean air
and its warm streets.
Its multiple activities.
Very multiple...
Like for instance...
...and above all...
Don't shoot!
Don't turn around.
One of us will get off,
the other stays on.
Now step on it.
Anything you say,
just don't shoot...
Here we can sleep in peace.
It may be a fishing boat...
they go out early.
It's used for short outings...
Trust me, I know.
No. Me, first!
Take the knife...
Came from Paris, Inspector.
What mugs!
I want them by the close of day.
You're a hopeless lot.
Hopeless?
We spotted them yesterday.
Congratulations!
The guy disarms
a trigger-happy maniac!
And you let him slip!
Then he hijacks a city bus.
What more must he do?
Kidnap the mayor?
Maybe they left town?
Sure...
In their private yacht.
Morning, mermaid...
Seep well?
It was a bit cramped...
I'll take a careful peek...
We must be on private property...
We're going to die.
We're too young...
Look at those two!
They're nuts!
Head for that boat.
What are you doing way out here?
No oars, no sail...
Where do you come from?
Marseilles...
We ran out of gas...
You don't have a motor!
Going to Marseilles?
We're going fishing.
We gotta live.
Then back to our village.
We'll drop you there.
Give 'em a drink.
And some food, please...
Feeling better, eh!
You bet.
Looks like a storm's coming up.
You get sea-sick?
Us? Not a chance.
It's still moving...
It's moving...
will you be ok?
Shall I call the police?
They'll get you back to Marseilles.
I moored your boat over there.
You won't forget?
We're off... 'Bye, you sailors!
It's over, Charles.
We're on land, now.
I can still feel it moving.
It'll settle down.
It's moving...
Why is the bench moving?
Don't leave me... Don't...
How about a nice hot bath?
In a bathtub that doesn't move.
Wait here.
Good book?
It's so touching...
"Homeless" by Hector Malot.
When the orphan is all alone
on the highway,
he's cold and shivering,
and he meets those rich people.
It makes me cry, I can't help it.
May I ask you a favor:
my husband and I
had an accident at sea.
Could we wash ourselves?
I'll pay you later.
I know your type!
No money, no bath.
My husband is freezing.
Buy him a sweater.
He's soaking wet...
he may get sick.
If he's soaking wet,
he doesn't need a bath.
CLOSED
I'll trade you this for a bath.
Is it gold?
18 carats.
Did you say a shower?
I said a bath.
For 2 people.
And I want that... and that...
Hold it!
And that... and your cigarettes.
You're taking advantage of me!
OK. It's a deal.
I feel like a new man.
There are still some decent people
in the world.
Like that woman...
she could have turned us out.
Where's your gold chain?
My God!
I must've lost it... On the boat.
We're closing... Hurry up!
Good thing we're moving on.
That was a depressing place.
In the next town.
I'm heading for the hock shop.
I'll sell my watch
and buy us a great meal,
and a room in the best hotel.
Do you miss our old life?
- And you?
- Not at all.
Why didn't we leave sooner?
First we had to inherit a fortune.
You wretched mule!
To do that to me.
May crows eat out your innards!
For all eternity.
Something wrong?
This crate won't budge.
And it knows I have a date at 8 p.m.
They'll wait for you.
Impossible...
The green ray never waits.
The green ray?
It's magical...
You don't have to believe me.
May the stomach of Hell digest you...
Can I take a look?
What's the use?
It does it on purpose.
What's this magic ray?
Happens once a year,
at the river's mouth.
Just before 8 p.m.
When the pink flamingos fly off.
Then at 8 p.m. on the dot,
all the animals grow silent.
And the green ray appears.
It must be beautiful.
It is. Very...
Try starting it up.
Do you want to see the green ray?
That's very kind of you.
I think there's room on our schedule.
Then off we go.
Fortune-telling
isn't what it used to be.
People would come to me
to enter a magic world.
I was the bridge between
their dreams and reality.
I taught them
to master their intuitions.
Now all they ever ask is:
Will I win the sweepstakes?
Am I about to inherit money?
When? How much?
No one cares about the Great Dream.
My dreams never come true.
Because you're not ready yet.
Care for a smoke?
I've forgotten how.
Try one, they're very good.
Made of gypsy herbs
I picked myself in Transylvania.
Try one.
You'll see.
I see it!
Over there... Giant water-lilies!
Huge purple blossoms...
Panthers playing leap-frog...
A cat plays the flute,
and a lion, the violin.
Here, hurry!
It's coming.
I'm so glad you saw it.
It will bring you luck.
Cut the cards.
Me, first.
Why you?
Because...
You're a good man.
You have the line of Gentleness.
It's faint... but it's there...
What about me?
Let me see.
A tough childhood.
You were some kind of performer.
It all stops at age 30...
See?
That's strange.
What?
Your parents died
when you were very young.
I was 10.
You've just had a big surprise...
Then a big disappointment.
True enough...
Let me see...
You're going to be rich,
very rich...
That's not possible.
It says so there...
How soon?
I can't say exactly.
3 days... let me see.
3 weeks...
3 months...
3 years.
I was having a nightmare.
We'd been separated...
Locked up far from each other...
I could hear you crying.
But I couldn't get to you.
It's all over now.
We're together again.
What are you thinking of?
Of her...
Nostradama... she has a good life.
She's free, always on the move.
Just like us.
You're right, my sea-turtle...
To think
we could have missed all this...
No, not in the water.
Why not?
It makes bubbles.
I'm starving.
Be patient.
How about a nice roast-chicken?
What a lovely idea!
With herbs, tarragon,
a touch of garlic...
Coming right up...
What can I do?
It's following me,
because it loves me.
I love it too:
Roasted.
As soon as we get over there... zap!
You know how?
No, but I bet you do.
Not me.
I can't stand blood.
This is no time for moral stands.
Bastard!
Look!
FIREFIGHTER WING:
TRAINING AREA. NO ENTRY!
No one'll bother us here.
We must be near an airport.
Stay on 350, straight ahead.
Make for the tower.
I read you...
Flaps 15°, speed 100 knots.
That's right...
Line yourself up... Let it drift.
When you're on target,
rev it up to full blast.
Are you hurt?
No, I'm OK.
I'm cold...
I can't go on, I'm going to die...
Hey, you guys, look at them!
Shall we let 'em have it?
What'|| we do?
Keep going, what else?
Keep going, how?
They took everything.
Even our wedding-rings.
Even my panties.
We've had it.
Let's turn ourselves in.
Never!
No two-bit punks
can lick Charles and Lucie.
I'm starving.
Come on!
Rest a second, buttercup.
Listen, Charles, let's face it!
Us all over.
I can't go on any longer.
Let's surrender...
There's game around here.
I'll go look for
a rabbit caught in a trap.
We'll eat and then move on.
You rest.
I'll be right back.
Oh, my God!
It's hopeless.
Save yourself before they catch us!
It's hopeless, I tell you.
We're licked.
Beat it before they lock you up.
Nobody's going to lick
Charles and Lucie.
Still hurt?
Bit less.
Not now!
Why not?
Filing first, feeling later.
I'm faint from hunger.
Let's go!
Where?
I'm taking you to lunch.
Control yourself, Fanny!
Bernard's better off where he is now.
Who let you in here?
Who waited on you?
The young lady
She made a mistake.
Pay up and get out.
That'll be $6.50.
- As a matter of fact...
- We were robbed!
You expect me to swallow that?
We can sweep the floor...
We can wash dishes.
Hands off him!
You'll see!
I'll sing a song for the customers!
I'm a professional!
I'll bet you are!
Hand me the phone.
Give her a chance!
Bernard would've liked it.
Right?
Right!
I'm from a family of dedicated nuts
We're all a bunch of loonies
No ifs or buts
Sorry if I say it
It always makes a stench
This is why we're crazy
We're proud to be French
Me, I talk politics
I'm known in every bar
Can't pay my taxes
They towed away my car
It's a scandal I say
But what do I do?
Just keep on complaining
'Cause I'm French too!
We're dumb, dumb, dumb
A nation of fools
We're dumb, dumb, dumb...
She's crazy!
She's insulting us!
Call the cops, Flora.
No cops!
Please!
Don't let him do it.
The misfortunes we've had...
Last night,
hoodlums robbed us of our clothes.
Even your panties?
Even her panties!
It can't be true!
And then,
we got caught in their wolf-traps!
Yes! You know how
they tried to catch us?
With a plane!
Hoods fly airplanes now?
My wife and I are sitting there
minding our business,
eating a picnic lunch,
when all of a sudden,
a huge airplane flies over
and dumps a ton of water on us.
Water?
All because
we hijacked a bus in Marseilles!
Charles pulled a gun on the driver,
the gun the Mad Killer gave him.
You saw the Mad Killer?
I confessed him, at church.
- You're a priest?
- No, but I was in the confessional.
Imagine it: the Mad Killer
with a mug like Frankenstein,
looking like the Grim-Reaper,
strolling toward you, cat-like,
silently, in crepe soles.
What where you doing
in the confessional?
It was just before our shipwreck!
We drifted 3 days in Force-10 gales,
half dead of hunger and thirst.
- In shark-infested waters!
- Sharks?
Killer-sharks
that wanted to devour us!
Why you?
Because we inherited $600,000.
$600,000?
It all began 10 days ago in Paris,
because of the dresser...
Affirmative, Delta 2.
A couple in Maussane who fit
the description
of the APB from Marseilles.
Check it out.
So Charlie's pal Leon,
who's the envious type,
as well as an out and out crook,
walks in the front door
and spots...
You guessed it!
The dresser!
Right!
3 days later, who shows up?
The lawyer's clerk.
That's right: the clerk!
A smooth talker,
a sharp dresser,
and a hand-kisser.
Good day, Madame.
Are you Madame Lucie Roussel?
I am.
Then I'm honored to inform you
that we've just inherited $600,000.
$600,000!
Now you understand
why we stand here,
hungry and in rags,
reduced to abject poverty.
I won't let you separate us.
You heard her:
we won't be separated.
Put us in a unisex jail.
We want a double bunk.
Sit down.
Don't play deaf with us.
I know people in high places.
What's all this racket?
You 2 at last! Come in here.
Satisfied with yourselves?
Like to thumb your noses at cops,
don't you?
Good thing we arrested you
before you did something
really dumb!
My wife and I are victims
of a judicial error.
Sit down.
We didn't know the car was stolen.
The boat drifted off.
The chicken committed suicide.
The Mad Killer
made me confess him.
The bus driver was
a paranoid-psychotic.
A public menace.
We needed
the scarecrow's clothes.
Shut up.
I warn you: you can't make us talk.
- Who's he?
- No idea.
Recognize them?
Bastards!
Striking a prisoner!
You'll pay dearly.
Very dearly.
It's all mistake.
Get them out of here.
Not you!
He had the nerve
to kiss my wife's hand.
We knew all about it
right from the start.
Everything!
We arrested them
the day after you left.
They were about to sell...
The dresser!
What dresser?
A priceless heirloom.
So it was the dresser they wanted?
Of course: a matchless piece,
worth at least $3,000..
And this?
Recognize it?
Augustine!
Correct: Augustine!
That's what they were after.
A painting
done in an old-age home
in Saint-Remy-de-Provence
by Van Gogh.
Van Gogh?
A pro like you must know the name?
Don't touch it!
Your fingers are dirty.
We've taken great pains to restore it.
A most interesting work.
Allow me to introduce the owner.
Mr. and Mrs. Roussel.
I'm from the National Museum.
I am prepared to offer you
$500,000.
$600,000!
- $540,000!
- $560,000!
- $550,000! Take it or leave it.
- We'll take it.
In cash.
Agreed.
Hungry, ragged'
tracked like beasts,
the angel of death called out
seductively to us.
Then suddenly,
an apple dropped out of the sky.
Charles, like Newton, cried out:
Eureka!
I suddenly understood it all.
The whole thing.
I realized
that neither hoodlum bipeds,
nor quadripeds,
nor the elements unleashed,
are stronger
than the 2 of us together.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen,
is the authentic story,
full of sound and fury
of the many misfortunes
of Charles and Lucie.
I overdid the scene
in the confessional today.
Didn't I?
It worked beautifully!
Good crowd.
Marvelous.
- Know what we do next?
- What?
Try out our act
in 2 or 3 more villages.
Then we hit a big town.
We rent the biggest theatre
in Marseilles, say.
Then on to Bordeaux,
Lyons, Toulouse, Strasburg.
Then Paris.
After Paris, a world tour:
You're dreaming!
Dream? Me?
That's what life is made of...
Number 10, in the 5th race.
You sure?
It's a cinch.
When do I get to see
that antique gown?
I told you, Leon: not before 6 p.m.
Lucy cleans an apartment upstairs
between 6 and 7 p.m.
We got time: it's 4 p.m.
You mean 6 p.m.!
Sure that watch keeps time?
Eisenhower wore this watch on D-Day.
At $50 it's a steal.
Mind the stall for me.
I like your suit.
A gift from Lucie.
Can't be sold.
Come on: we have to do this fast!
Won't you sell that dresser?
I told you:
Lucie's attached to it.
It was her mother's.
Too bad.
We could get $500 for it.
And the vase?
A gift from her uncle in Bordeaux.
The victrola?
A gift from her niece in Strasbourg.
Don't touch that!
It's a gift from her god-child.
What's he?
A gift from the zoo?
Very funny.
Forget it:
a portrait of her grand-ma.
It's her prize possession!
Take a look...
...under the newspapers.
Further back...
Nice compact!
Sterling silver!
In another month or two...
it'll be all mine.
I push it in further every day.
Once Lucie's forgotten it...
Get the idea?
It was her costume
when she sang in Marseilles.
She was the warm-up act
for Edith Piaf.
A collector's item,
original label and all...
$150.
$75.
$100.
I'm finished. See you tomorrow.
Can you get me down
another pot of jam, please?
I got YOU One yesterday!
My system needs sugar.
Not again!
Give it to me!
Give it back! It's mine.
No, it's a picture of me!
You just lost a housekeeper!
You're quitting?
Charles can take over.
Photograph him!
Not Charles. I want you!
You!
My costume!
Thief! How could you?
I was only having it appraised!
Appraised?
Did you also sell my photograph?
Only the frame.
I promise I won't do it again.
Please stop crying.
I can't stand it...
I've had it... I'm exhausted.
It's all so depressing...
I'm sick of being a cleaning woman...
We never have any fun.
This isn't living... It's enduring.
Now you want to sell my souvenirs...
They're all I have left...
I'm only doing if for you.
With a little extra money,
we could live better...
Get a job!
I'm doing my best...
It's hard running an outdoor stall.
Me with my backache,
my ulcer, my poor bones...
Bones? Lazybones!...
What if I sat on my ass?
What if I relied on welfare?
It's starting to act up again.
What's the matter?
Quick, drink up.
Feel better?
Take your medicine.
- Medicine...
- Your pills...
Two!
Relax...
Better?
A little bit.
Those were the days...
I wish you could've seen me.
I was young and beautiful.
You still are... To me.
That's different.
At what age did you start?
I was 18.
What was the date again?
June 12, 1947.
Remember how much you made?
Sure! $18.
Do you want to hock my soul, too?
Sell me at the flea-market?
By the way,
I got a good offer for the dresser.
I forgot to tell you:
As of tomorrow,
you're doing the cleaning upstairs.
Cleaning?
And my slipped disk?
Slip it into some work.
ASLEEP
What?
You didn't forget
the sweepstake tickets?
Of course not.
You woke me up for that?
I dreamt we'd won...
Mrs. Roussel?
That's me.
My compliments.
What do you want?
Michel Nérac:
in the office of M. de la Madriguére.
My mission is confidential.
May I come in?
Please sit down.
We had a hard time finding you.
Every one knows me!
I'm afraid not.
You disappeared
from your last address.
Charles gave up
his antique business in 1963.
Not a trace of you
since the bankruptcy...
Do you have proof of your identity?
- If you're a cop...!
- No fear...
It has to do with
your wife's inheritance...
I'm sure you'll understand...
An inheritance?
Perfect.
Yes!
I'm delighted to inform you...
that you are the sole heir...
of the late Miss Virginia Spring,
who died last August 17th
in Boston, Massachusetts, USA.
We were related?
Not directly. She was a 2nd cousin...
of your late brother Pierre.
A first cousin of poor Pierre?
Twice removed.
You've been genealogically
established as the sole heir.
If she owed money...
Quite the opposite.
You've inherited an estate
known as: "Open Spaces"
in Hyéres, on the Riviera,
at 34 Albert Einstein Avenue.
15 rooms, 4 baths,
1500 square feet of living space,
set on...
3 acres of woodland,
with a garage and a lodge.
Estimated value: $600,000.
In addition,
you'll draw $2,500 a month...
in interest
from a Swiss bank account,
to commence once you formally
accept the inheritance.
I almost forgot:
the legacy also includes a car,
license number 8894GL92,
currently in storage outside Paris.
Do something!
Get some water!
My nightingale!
Please! I beg you! Come to!
Take it away!
This is no time to faint.
We're rich!
Lucie, please...
My sweetheart.
How many rooms did you say?
The car, how much horsepower?
Is there a tennis court and a pool?
Do we have to pay taxes
on the Swiss account?
That hurts!
When do I get the money?
Let's meet tomorrow
in Mr. de la Madriguére's office.
- 3 p.m.?
- Earlier?
3 p.m.'s fine.
I'll show you out.
Say goodbye!
I'm honored, Madame.
Nutsy!
We're rich!
See you tomorrow at 3 p.m.
- Wait!
- What is it?
There was a legacy
That was lunacy
When the tailor died without a will
His children, his cousins
His neighbors by dozens
Everyone wanted a share
of his upholstered chair
His pets and his pans and his brooms
Were treated like precious heirlooms...
What about your ulcer
and your slipped-disk?
Who wants to be sick
when you're rich.
Here it is.
What's the big idea?
To intimidate them.
It'll make you sick.
Maybe, but I won't get taken.
Let's go.
Right on time!
Please come in.
We're ready to sign the papers.
Fine.
Before we discuss
the genealogist's expenses
and my personal fee,
I must ask you to make a deposit,
as required by the tax laws,
so you can take up your inheritance.
But of course!
Excellent
It's only... $3,000.
Am I to understand
you don't have the money?
We'll borrow it,
using the inheritance as collateral.
That's impossible.
You can't borrow against
something that isn't yours.
Soon it will be...
The law is the law.
Furthermore,
I've incurred considerable expenses.
Perhaps you could borrow
against your inventory?
I see here you're an antique-dealer.
- Antique-dealer!
- Right.
I'll say!
Can't even tell an original from a fake!
I beg your pardon?
He sold everything we owned
to buy 2 Picasso's.
Deal of the century!
Both were worthless copies!
There may still be a solution.
The house you'll inherit
is lavishly furnished...
Why not sell your old furniture?
A good idea,
if the furniture is of value...
I've got a dresser
that's worth a fortune.
That's not fair!
After all I've done for you!
To turn down a fortune
for that dresser!
It has sentimental value!
Some people have feelings...
even if you don't!
My clerk's suggestion isn't bad.
Why not think it over?
We'll leave you alone a while.
Come with me.
Listen, Lucie...
Spare me your ulcer routine!
What do you want?
To be a caretaker forever?
To scrub stairs
and listen to tenants complain?
To clean house for old lechers?
At least someones interested!
I can see us there already...
Overlooking the beach...
Every morning
I bring you breakfast in bed...
I wake you up with a kiss,
and ask:
"Did my little jewel sleep well?"
Gently, you open one eye...
I caress your lovely tanned face
and ask:
"What does my little mermaid
feel like today?
A swim at Eden Roc?
Shopping in St. Tropez?
Or shall we stroll arm-in-arm
through our property?"
You'd love me the way you did
when we first met?
My Riviera ruby...!
Let's do it...
Let's sell it all!
- One scale.
- Check.
One dresser.
Can't I keep that?
Sorry, lady. It's on the list.
Forgive me, Augustine.
Bastard!
What's going on?
The old lecher...
He's dropping rotten eggs on my car.
Just because I'm rich!
Creep!
Look, Nutsy...
Olive trees!
Gorse...
Lavender, thyme...
It smells so good!
You don't-belong in a cage.
Find yourself a bride,
it's now or never...
Morning, my turtledove.
Is it really true?
What?
We're in the South of France...
Look!
Of course we are.
You slept... I drove.
To our new life!
To our good fortune!
To our new house!
To "Open Spaces"!
And let's also drink...
To us!
It's the Garden of Eden.
I'll buy myself a sailboat...
No, a motor-launch, with a crew...
A second car for you...
so you can do your shopping.
Just because we're rich,
let's not squander...
Squander?
We're only keeping up appearances.
Should we hire servants?
Only if they have good references.
Get out the photographs of the estate.
Are they in our suitcase?
In the glove-compartment.
With my wallet.
Where are we going?
I checked the map.
- But we're leaving town!
- Of course we are.
An estate wouldn't be
in the smoggy downtown area!
Somethings wrong.
This is Einstein Ave.
I saw the sign.
How could that...
be in this neighborhood?
Maybe it's a long avenue,
like in the U.S...
I'd better ask.
Excuse me,
is this Albert Einstein Ave.?
It sure is, Mister.
Einstein Ave., in the city of Hyeres?
That's right.
I don't understand...
I'm looking for this villa...
Nothing like that around here!
No, Sir!
On the back it says,
34 Albert Einstein Ave...
- 34?
- It Says 34.
That's right here, pal.
Well?
There's a mistake.
Check the address on the deed,
In the glove-compartment.
I'm getting there...
That's what it says:
34 Albert Einstein Ave., in Hyerers.
They got the street wrong...
or the city!
What now?
I'm phoning the attorney.
Can I make a call to Paris?
Does the phone company
serve drinks?
OK, one milk-shake and a lemonade.
That'll be $2.50.
Payable now?
Precisely.
Where's the phone?
Here!
Sit down and don't worry.
I'll handle this.
Can I speak to Mr. de la Madriguére...
I said... Mr. de la Madriguére...
the attorney...
What?
What do you mean "that bastard"?
I see...
Give me your name...
Here, talk to the police...
No...
My name wouldn't mean anything...
Well?
The attorney...
...doesn't exist.
What was that?
He's disappeared..
With his clerk... his secretary...
The police are on to it...
They're a well-known gang of crooks...
Their office...
It was only rented for a week.
They sure took you to the cleaner!
Took me to the cleaner?
That's a good one!
Who didn't want to sell?
You, huh?
You and your lawyer!
He wasn't my lawyer...
I knew I shouldn't
have sold my dresser.
You charmer!
"What does my little mermaid
feel like today?"
"A swim at Eden Roc?"
You can have your Riviera.
Your pal Leon rigged it:
to steal my job and my place.
You're crazy!
No, it Was ESP!
It started the day
I saw him with you...
He was doing the groundwork.
He got the dresser and the place.
He suckered you.
You patsy...
You pidgeon... you dummy.
Take it easy...
I can't!
- Don't shout.
- I'll do what I want.
It wasn't a great place,
but it was ours.
What we've got left?... Nothing!
We can sell the car.
Go sell your beloved wheels.
And don't get gypped for once.
Will you wait here?
I might!
Don't push!
It's only a stolen car.
Stolen!
That's what the cops said.
They even had a description
of the thieves,
a middle-aged couple...
- What now?
- I'll tell you later.
Where are we going?
You name it. Out of town.
Now can I know?
The car was stolen.
They had a description...
Beyond the city limits,
the rate goes up.
- My wallet.
You left it in the car.
When the meter reads $15..
Make that $10, you can stop.
Hurry...
At least I saw the sea again.
Where you going?
I'm going away.
Come back!
I don't know how to swim.
Come back!
I forbid you to do it.
I forbid you to leave me.
Then let's go.
Where to?
To the police... To jail.
TO jail!
What for?
We haven't done a thing.
Can you prove we didn't steal the car?
Who cares!
They're searching for us...
You heard them say it.
Let them search...
They haven't found us.
We've got no money... Nothing...
We've got each other.
We'll never be apart.
Never!
You're right!
They'll never catch us.
Never, never!
I'll find work.
I'll earn money, you'll see.
I'll start a business.
I can always go back to appraising...
I don't think that's your forte...
They must've got away at night.
Or we'd have them by now.
Those two stick out.
Especially that big drip...
in a sweater stripped like a wasp,
or so the report said.
But you know reports!
Didn't say much about her...
Thin, in her 60's.
60... d'you realize?
What a world!
If old farts turn to crime...
I give UP
Explain that one!
Let's go back.
I'm working up an appetite.
Do you eat a full breakfast?
Not every day.
If I don't wake up too hungry,
I just eat a mixed salad:
tomatoes, celery,
anchovies, tuna fish...
If I go on duty at 4 a.m.,
then I really lay it on.
Stacks of salted anchovies with garlic.
That'll open your eyes.
Last night,
my wife made garlic mayonnaise.
This morning,
I had some with leftovers
and codfish,
potatoes, an egg,
sliced carrots.
Let's be off.
I'm starving.
Want to surrender?
They'll feed us.
Never!
You need a shave.
You look like a burn.
Breathe deeply.
It cleans the blood.
You won't get fresh air in jail.
What do we do now?
Visit Marseilles!
Get with it! We're alive.
Godammit!
Not on the hi-way.
Why not?
It's too speedy.
You should be ashamed!
My pantyhose is wrecked!
I'm hungry... Hungry!
Let's face it:
to eat, we need money.
Let's sell our rings.
Never...
It would be like divorcing.
What's wrong with them?
Everyone's going nuts.
Turn it inside out.
Think I was spotted?
Notice how he looked at you?
Help me.
That's better.
FOREIGN LEGION
Think they'd feed us?
They don't draft women.
I don't want to...
That's that.
It's the only way.
Really think so?
Even nice girls do it...
Yes, but...
I'm not good enough?
Of course you are.
First step's the hardest...
Wait here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
May I sing you my greatest hit?
Open every bird-cage
It's a lovely day
Let all the birdies fly away
The place for a bird is high on a tree
So open those gates
And set them free...
Get lost, you old hag!
Same to you!
Trollop!
Whore!
Bitch!
Same to you!
Call the police!
Open every bird-cage
It's a lovely day
- What's going on?
- Do you hear?
They've got no taste... C'mon.
This is for you...
It was a lovely song.
You little thief!
Where's that fish?
I wanted to see Marseilles again.
It's new to me.
Nice here, eh?
How's your back? Stitch gone?
It's great.
I'd forgotten all about it...
You, too, you were hungry.
I'll throw this out...
Leave me a page.
I feel like reading.
What a mug!
MAD KILLER STRIKES AGAIN
When does retirement age start?
Never, unless you let it. Why?
Listen.
"Wanted: caretaker of retirement age.
References essential.
Luberon Old-Age Home..."
We apply?
No! In old-age homes
they beat old people.
Later, a
they put them away Wit-h a shot.
- Nonsense!
- It happened
to my great-grandmother.
She died in old-age home.
My mom told me.
Anyway, I'm too young for that job.
Much too young.
Sleep in the church?
When they've closed up?
The station?
The waiting-room never closes.
But the cops make late rounds.
True...
Cops rarely go in churches.
We'll be better off...
They're closing up.
You hide in this one.
I'll go in the other.
I'll meet you later.
We're closing brother.
We've closed.
Too late...
Come back tomorrow.
Hear my confession or else...
I'm known as the "Mad Killer".
I live up to my name.
In that case...
I'll hear you my son...
I've killed, Father...
How many times?
9 times, Father.
How adorable!
What else?
Did you say: adorable?
I said that?
No, I said: How deplorable.
I must stop killing...
How about right now?
Take this.
It's starting again.
Now please...
Do something to help me, Father.
I beg you...
I beg you.
All right...
Get on your knees...
Kneel before the altar
and say one "Hail Mary".
Only one?
Don't you listen?
I said one hundred "Hail Mary's".
Step to it!
Yes, Father.
Come, quick!
Your sweater!
Hands up!
It's not him. Is he inside?
Who?
The Mad Killer?
He escaped yesterday.
Is he inside?
There are only lambs
in the house of God.
Come, my child.
C'mon.
Take it easy.
Where have I seen those two before?
Tickets, please.
What?
75 cents each.
I see...
Got any change?
Please, don't!
Don't shoot!
I got 11 kids!
My wife's expecting twins.
11 and 2 is 13.
That's bad luck.
Drive us out of town.
Stop when we tell you.
Don't try anything.
Whatever you say.
Then get going.
Don't shoot!
Nice and fast!
Public transportation.
All to ourselves.
A gun is... very dangerous...
Look at the lovely...
...landscape...
To your left...
the trigger... I mean the bigger...
the biggest port...
Ships leave for Africa...
For the pyramids...
Don't shoot! To your right...
You see there...
That's Marseilles...
with its nice clean air
and its warm streets.
Its multiple activities.
Very multiple...
Like for instance...
...and above all...
Don't shoot!
Don't turn around.
One of us will get off,
the other stays on.
Now step on it.
Anything you say,
just don't shoot...
Here we can sleep in peace.
It may be a fishing boat...
they go out early.
It's used for short outings...
Trust me, I know.
No. Me, first!
Take the knife...
Came from Paris, Inspector.
What mugs!
I want them by the close of day.
You're a hopeless lot.
Hopeless?
We spotted them yesterday.
Congratulations!
The guy disarms
a trigger-happy maniac!
And you let him slip!
Then he hijacks a city bus.
What more must he do?
Kidnap the mayor?
Maybe they left town?
Sure...
In their private yacht.
Morning, mermaid...
Seep well?
It was a bit cramped...
I'll take a careful peek...
We must be on private property...
We're going to die.
We're too young...
Look at those two!
They're nuts!
Head for that boat.
What are you doing way out here?
No oars, no sail...
Where do you come from?
Marseilles...
We ran out of gas...
You don't have a motor!
Going to Marseilles?
We're going fishing.
We gotta live.
Then back to our village.
We'll drop you there.
Give 'em a drink.
And some food, please...
Feeling better, eh!
You bet.
Looks like a storm's coming up.
You get sea-sick?
Us? Not a chance.
It's still moving...
It's moving...
will you be ok?
Shall I call the police?
They'll get you back to Marseilles.
I moored your boat over there.
You won't forget?
We're off... 'Bye, you sailors!
It's over, Charles.
We're on land, now.
I can still feel it moving.
It'll settle down.
It's moving...
Why is the bench moving?
Don't leave me... Don't...
How about a nice hot bath?
In a bathtub that doesn't move.
Wait here.
Good book?
It's so touching...
"Homeless" by Hector Malot.
When the orphan is all alone
on the highway,
he's cold and shivering,
and he meets those rich people.
It makes me cry, I can't help it.
May I ask you a favor:
my husband and I
had an accident at sea.
Could we wash ourselves?
I'll pay you later.
I know your type!
No money, no bath.
My husband is freezing.
Buy him a sweater.
He's soaking wet...
he may get sick.
If he's soaking wet,
he doesn't need a bath.
CLOSED
I'll trade you this for a bath.
Is it gold?
18 carats.
Did you say a shower?
I said a bath.
For 2 people.
And I want that... and that...
Hold it!
And that... and your cigarettes.
You're taking advantage of me!
OK. It's a deal.
I feel like a new man.
There are still some decent people
in the world.
Like that woman...
she could have turned us out.
Where's your gold chain?
My God!
I must've lost it... On the boat.
We're closing... Hurry up!
Good thing we're moving on.
That was a depressing place.
In the next town.
I'm heading for the hock shop.
I'll sell my watch
and buy us a great meal,
and a room in the best hotel.
Do you miss our old life?
- And you?
- Not at all.
Why didn't we leave sooner?
First we had to inherit a fortune.
You wretched mule!
To do that to me.
May crows eat out your innards!
For all eternity.
Something wrong?
This crate won't budge.
And it knows I have a date at 8 p.m.
They'll wait for you.
Impossible...
The green ray never waits.
The green ray?
It's magical...
You don't have to believe me.
May the stomach of Hell digest you...
Can I take a look?
What's the use?
It does it on purpose.
What's this magic ray?
Happens once a year,
at the river's mouth.
Just before 8 p.m.
When the pink flamingos fly off.
Then at 8 p.m. on the dot,
all the animals grow silent.
And the green ray appears.
It must be beautiful.
It is. Very...
Try starting it up.
Do you want to see the green ray?
That's very kind of you.
I think there's room on our schedule.
Then off we go.
Fortune-telling
isn't what it used to be.
People would come to me
to enter a magic world.
I was the bridge between
their dreams and reality.
I taught them
to master their intuitions.
Now all they ever ask is:
Will I win the sweepstakes?
Am I about to inherit money?
When? How much?
No one cares about the Great Dream.
My dreams never come true.
Because you're not ready yet.
Care for a smoke?
I've forgotten how.
Try one, they're very good.
Made of gypsy herbs
I picked myself in Transylvania.
Try one.
You'll see.
I see it!
Over there... Giant water-lilies!
Huge purple blossoms...
Panthers playing leap-frog...
A cat plays the flute,
and a lion, the violin.
Here, hurry!
It's coming.
I'm so glad you saw it.
It will bring you luck.
Cut the cards.
Me, first.
Why you?
Because...
You're a good man.
You have the line of Gentleness.
It's faint... but it's there...
What about me?
Let me see.
A tough childhood.
You were some kind of performer.
It all stops at age 30...
See?
That's strange.
What?
Your parents died
when you were very young.
I was 10.
You've just had a big surprise...
Then a big disappointment.
True enough...
Let me see...
You're going to be rich,
very rich...
That's not possible.
It says so there...
How soon?
I can't say exactly.
3 days... let me see.
3 weeks...
3 months...
3 years.
I was having a nightmare.
We'd been separated...
Locked up far from each other...
I could hear you crying.
But I couldn't get to you.
It's all over now.
We're together again.
What are you thinking of?
Of her...
Nostradama... she has a good life.
She's free, always on the move.
Just like us.
You're right, my sea-turtle...
To think
we could have missed all this...
No, not in the water.
Why not?
It makes bubbles.
I'm starving.
Be patient.
How about a nice roast-chicken?
What a lovely idea!
With herbs, tarragon,
a touch of garlic...
Coming right up...
What can I do?
It's following me,
because it loves me.
I love it too:
Roasted.
As soon as we get over there... zap!
You know how?
No, but I bet you do.
Not me.
I can't stand blood.
This is no time for moral stands.
Bastard!
Look!
FIREFIGHTER WING:
TRAINING AREA. NO ENTRY!
No one'll bother us here.
We must be near an airport.
Stay on 350, straight ahead.
Make for the tower.
I read you...
Flaps 15°, speed 100 knots.
That's right...
Line yourself up... Let it drift.
When you're on target,
rev it up to full blast.
Are you hurt?
No, I'm OK.
I'm cold...
I can't go on, I'm going to die...
Hey, you guys, look at them!
Shall we let 'em have it?
What'|| we do?
Keep going, what else?
Keep going, how?
They took everything.
Even our wedding-rings.
Even my panties.
We've had it.
Let's turn ourselves in.
Never!
No two-bit punks
can lick Charles and Lucie.
I'm starving.
Come on!
Rest a second, buttercup.
Listen, Charles, let's face it!
Us all over.
I can't go on any longer.
Let's surrender...
There's game around here.
I'll go look for
a rabbit caught in a trap.
We'll eat and then move on.
You rest.
I'll be right back.
Oh, my God!
It's hopeless.
Save yourself before they catch us!
It's hopeless, I tell you.
We're licked.
Beat it before they lock you up.
Nobody's going to lick
Charles and Lucie.
Still hurt?
Bit less.
Not now!
Why not?
Filing first, feeling later.
I'm faint from hunger.
Let's go!
Where?
I'm taking you to lunch.
Control yourself, Fanny!
Bernard's better off where he is now.
Who let you in here?
Who waited on you?
The young lady
She made a mistake.
Pay up and get out.
That'll be $6.50.
- As a matter of fact...
- We were robbed!
You expect me to swallow that?
We can sweep the floor...
We can wash dishes.
Hands off him!
You'll see!
I'll sing a song for the customers!
I'm a professional!
I'll bet you are!
Hand me the phone.
Give her a chance!
Bernard would've liked it.
Right?
Right!
I'm from a family of dedicated nuts
We're all a bunch of loonies
No ifs or buts
Sorry if I say it
It always makes a stench
This is why we're crazy
We're proud to be French
Me, I talk politics
I'm known in every bar
Can't pay my taxes
They towed away my car
It's a scandal I say
But what do I do?
Just keep on complaining
'Cause I'm French too!
We're dumb, dumb, dumb
A nation of fools
We're dumb, dumb, dumb...
She's crazy!
She's insulting us!
Call the cops, Flora.
No cops!
Please!
Don't let him do it.
The misfortunes we've had...
Last night,
hoodlums robbed us of our clothes.
Even your panties?
Even her panties!
It can't be true!
And then,
we got caught in their wolf-traps!
Yes! You know how
they tried to catch us?
With a plane!
Hoods fly airplanes now?
My wife and I are sitting there
minding our business,
eating a picnic lunch,
when all of a sudden,
a huge airplane flies over
and dumps a ton of water on us.
Water?
All because
we hijacked a bus in Marseilles!
Charles pulled a gun on the driver,
the gun the Mad Killer gave him.
You saw the Mad Killer?
I confessed him, at church.
- You're a priest?
- No, but I was in the confessional.
Imagine it: the Mad Killer
with a mug like Frankenstein,
looking like the Grim-Reaper,
strolling toward you, cat-like,
silently, in crepe soles.
What where you doing
in the confessional?
It was just before our shipwreck!
We drifted 3 days in Force-10 gales,
half dead of hunger and thirst.
- In shark-infested waters!
- Sharks?
Killer-sharks
that wanted to devour us!
Why you?
Because we inherited $600,000.
$600,000?
It all began 10 days ago in Paris,
because of the dresser...
Affirmative, Delta 2.
A couple in Maussane who fit
the description
of the APB from Marseilles.
Check it out.
So Charlie's pal Leon,
who's the envious type,
as well as an out and out crook,
walks in the front door
and spots...
You guessed it!
The dresser!
Right!
3 days later, who shows up?
The lawyer's clerk.
That's right: the clerk!
A smooth talker,
a sharp dresser,
and a hand-kisser.
Good day, Madame.
Are you Madame Lucie Roussel?
I am.
Then I'm honored to inform you
that we've just inherited $600,000.
$600,000!
Now you understand
why we stand here,
hungry and in rags,
reduced to abject poverty.
I won't let you separate us.
You heard her:
we won't be separated.
Put us in a unisex jail.
We want a double bunk.
Sit down.
Don't play deaf with us.
I know people in high places.
What's all this racket?
You 2 at last! Come in here.
Satisfied with yourselves?
Like to thumb your noses at cops,
don't you?
Good thing we arrested you
before you did something
really dumb!
My wife and I are victims
of a judicial error.
Sit down.
We didn't know the car was stolen.
The boat drifted off.
The chicken committed suicide.
The Mad Killer
made me confess him.
The bus driver was
a paranoid-psychotic.
A public menace.
We needed
the scarecrow's clothes.
Shut up.
I warn you: you can't make us talk.
- Who's he?
- No idea.
Recognize them?
Bastards!
Striking a prisoner!
You'll pay dearly.
Very dearly.
It's all mistake.
Get them out of here.
Not you!
He had the nerve
to kiss my wife's hand.
We knew all about it
right from the start.
Everything!
We arrested them
the day after you left.
They were about to sell...
The dresser!
What dresser?
A priceless heirloom.
So it was the dresser they wanted?
Of course: a matchless piece,
worth at least $3,000..
And this?
Recognize it?
Augustine!
Correct: Augustine!
That's what they were after.
A painting
done in an old-age home
in Saint-Remy-de-Provence
by Van Gogh.
Van Gogh?
A pro like you must know the name?
Don't touch it!
Your fingers are dirty.
We've taken great pains to restore it.
A most interesting work.
Allow me to introduce the owner.
Mr. and Mrs. Roussel.
I'm from the National Museum.
I am prepared to offer you
$500,000.
$600,000!
- $540,000!
- $560,000!
- $550,000! Take it or leave it.
- We'll take it.
In cash.
Agreed.
Hungry, ragged'
tracked like beasts,
the angel of death called out
seductively to us.
Then suddenly,
an apple dropped out of the sky.
Charles, like Newton, cried out:
Eureka!
I suddenly understood it all.
The whole thing.
I realized
that neither hoodlum bipeds,
nor quadripeds,
nor the elements unleashed,
are stronger
than the 2 of us together.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen,
is the authentic story,
full of sound and fury
of the many misfortunes
of Charles and Lucie.
I overdid the scene
in the confessional today.
Didn't I?
It worked beautifully!
Good crowd.
Marvelous.
- Know what we do next?
- What?
Try out our act
in 2 or 3 more villages.
Then we hit a big town.
We rent the biggest theatre
in Marseilles, say.
Then on to Bordeaux,
Lyons, Toulouse, Strasburg.
Then Paris.
After Paris, a world tour:
You're dreaming!
Dream? Me?
That's what life is made of...