Champagne for Caesar (1950) - full transcript

This is a girl, the girl is lying on a
towel, the towel is lying on the grass.

The grass grows in Hollywood...

which tells you immediately and
very clearly where our picture is laid.

The girl's name is Frosty,
she's a bit player in motion pictures.

Which means that she plays a
little bit here and a little bit there.

She lives in a bungalow
Court like many of the neighbors.

It is always pleasant
to watch the development of...

Big players because
some of them become stars.

And their careers
depend mostly on their talents.

Crystal gazing will never
take the place of girl gazing, will it?

As a matter of fact it is one
of our male natives favorite pastimes.



As they call it the once over.

Well friends, have a
good look at Frosty because...

unfortunately we won't see
much of her in our picture.

Our story is the story of one of her
neighbors, his name is Beauregard Bottomley.

The last scholar...

and in the constant pursuit of
knowledge he reads and reads and reads.

His cornflakes in the morning are well
sprinkled with Schopenhauer.

His blue plate at lunch is balanced
with a generous helping of the latest...

developments in atomic research.

And absolutely
nothing can disturb his brilliant mind.

It's very good Gerald, coming
along nicely. Once more please.

- Not to the other.
- That'll be all Caesar.

- Does Polly want a cracker?
- I want a drink, let's get loaded.

Says the darnest things, doesn't he?



How about a short one? How about a short one?

That's your quarter the day Caesar.

As I told you before Gerald neither my
sister nor I taught him these expressions.

His former master must've been the
greatest reprobate since the Emperor Nero.

We found him one night leaning up against a
lamp post, couldn't remember where he lived.

And he still can't.

Now we have him down to two drinks a day,
soon we'll have him down to no drinks a day.

Now you have
frightened him. Caesar, Caesar...

- Champagne.
- No no sorry, you must rough it for a while.

Would you mind if we cut the lesson short
tonight Gerald, will make it up next time.

- Beauregard and I are going to a show.
- Oh, that's all right,

I'll get ready.

You know Gerald I can't
help admiring your enterprise.

You're late approach to the art
of music is highly commendable.

- I wish you many happy hours at the piano.
- I don't want to learn to play the piano.

Really?

Isn't your procedure of
taking piano lessons rather...

round about for one who
does not wish to play the piano?

I only want to learn
how to play Jingle Bells.

Oh, over there I wish you many
happy hours playing Jingle Bells.

By the way, it's nothing better to
do why not join Gwen and myself.

May turn out to be a very exciting evening.

- I've nothing better to do.
- Fine.

So matter of fact I've nothing at all to do.

Skip the gutter, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen this is indeed a...

thrilling milestone in
history of cosmic science.

For the first time over television we shall
make an attempt to shoot the moon by radar.

- Sort of the world seeing.
- Its thrilling Beauregard.

The beam will bounce
off the surface of the moon...

and come racing back
through the heavens to this laboratory.

The elapsed time of this stratospheric around
trip will be two point five six four seconds.

Wait a moment, that doesn't sound right.

Come on 39,000 last light ripples on
physics as machine reverse a second

hundred eighty six three hundred into
twice time to understand enemy 5.56, five.

Oh yes, the total elapsed time
will be two point five six five.

- Perfectly understandable mistake.
- Here we go ladies and gentlemen...

I shall now release the radar ray.

- Cosmic message.
- Sounded more like a cosmic raspberry.

And if you ever ride Gerald...

it could very well be the moon's
unflattering opinion of man's puny efforts.

Next week we'll continue our regular
program, Adventures In Science.

Good night all.

- I guess we just made it.
- I'm afraid you've come a little late.

However I'll be very happy to
explain what has just occurred.

- As you know an electronic phenomenon...
- Hi, hi...

- Hi, hi...
- Ho, ho...

what time is it.

Yes sir, is Happy Hogan time, a masquerade...

for money that number one
coast to coast quest for doll.

Now televised
locally and brought to you by...

Milady, the soap that sanctified.

♪ Milady, Milady, the soap... ♪

Oh Mr.Bottomley,
I almost been missing your book.

You remember Frosty, she lives next door.

Oh yes, I hardly recognize you without
your, I mean in your presence attire.

- Oh, I didn't know you were a Hogan fan too.
- I'm not, I don't even know the man.

Oh, I know him personally,
he's a dreamboat and to smart.

And here he is now, the
joyful jolly just full jivey joker...

- that marry made Murphy minster of Magpies.
- Whatever that means.

That Coriolis quizzical
quintessence of query Happy Hogan,

Yes sir, fasten your seat belts, step
in your straitjackets because tonight...

we're going to break it down...

we're going to kick it around, we're
going to throw money, all over it.

We better bon voyage to
this dream go to classes, take away.

This is one of those quiz problems
Beauregard where people win things.

Let's watch for a while, might be fun.

For the one or two people who
may not be familiar with the program...

masquerade karate is a real-life costume
party and here's how we play the game.

Yes sir, the audience appears in a costume...

representing his or her favorite
person, object thing or animal.

Contestants who ask questions about the
person thing their costume represents.

We pay five dollars for the first question
ten dollars for the second question...

and so on until a sixth question which
pays the lovely loot of 160 clinkers.

Yes ladies and gentleman and
at any time during the evening a...

contestant can pocket
the dough and go home happily.

And now let's go laughing
and scratching who's our first cont...

- Oh, isn't she a lovely little thing.
- This guy kills me.

- Who are you supposed to be?
- I am Cleopatra.

What your name in
real life Cleo? Where you from?

My name is Laura Transky
and I come from Brooklyn.

Brooklyn.

I fail to see why the location
of birth should be met with applause.

- But she came from Brooklyn.
- Oh?

Here's your first question
Cleo, now here we go.

Down what river did you float on your barge?

- Well, that's a tough one.
- The Nile?

That is right, that's absolutely right,
you're now the proud possessor of 5 drachmas.

- Stand such good.
- Would you please shut up.

Yes, but I can't let this
go on without a word of warning.

This man is the fore runner of
intellectual destruction in America.

If it is noteworthy and rewarding
to know that 2 and 2 make 4...

to the accompaniment of
deafening applause and prizes...

then 2 and 2 making 4 will become
the top level of learning, good evening.

Gee Mr. Bottomley you sure know a lot.

I not only sure know a lot
my dear Frosty, I know everything.

Yes Mr. Brown, I know everything,

everything except what is commonly
known as how to make a buck.

It certainly isn't easy
to place a scholar Mr. Bottomley.

No it isn't.

No I've been a short order cook a shoe
salesman and heaven knows what else but...

if you know everything you're
not wanted around for long.

And Greek translations don't pay very much.

You know, I may have something here
that's right up your intelligent alley.

Oh?

This company is looking
for a man who is exactly your type.

Something to do with a research survey,

Why don't you take this card
and go see what's is all about?

It's the My Ladies soap company.

Isn't that the, the soap that sanctifies?

Yes, that's the one,
the soap that sanctifies.

Well I can't afford to be choosy, thank you
Mr. Brown, I'm sorry I'm such a problem.

- Good afternoon, won't you come in please?
- Good afternoon, I was sent here by the...

Your name please.

- Your name please.
- Beauregard Bottomley.

Oh yes, we were expecting you.

Please approach the desk,
and fill in the application blank.

Please, lay the form in the slot.

Thank you and make yourself comfortable.

Comfortable?

Ridiculous.

Good afternoon, a nice place you...

Good afternoon as
I was saying to the other gentl...

As I was saying to
the other two gentleman I...

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, would
you follow me Mr. Bottomley.

Yes.

And sign the application, put it in the slot.

Anything that is known
about this position Mr. Bottomley...

except that it has
something to do with a survey.

It actually originated in the office of
the top executive Mr. Burn Bridgewaters.

It's all very hush-hush and we
simply refer to it as Operation Ladder.

The salary will be $40 a week.

- That satisfactory but not conducive luxury.

- Shall we go up to the penthouse?
- Yeah.

- Operation ladder.
- I believe I found the man.

Go right in.

Mr. Waters is not with us, he's
concentrating, he's on a higher plane.

We must wait.

- Am I to understand he can't see or hear us?
- That's right, won't be long, he'll be back.

How do you do? My time is extremely
valuable, so I can stick away into minutes...

minutes become hours, hours
disappear into days and weeks...

weeks suddenly for months and
months never an habit of becoming years.

I've, I've never quite looked at
it that way but I suppose you're right.

This is a Mr. Bottomley Mr.Waters he hopes
to become a member of Milady's family.

PhD physicist extraordinary, DA Diaz master's
degree at the age of 13.

Rhodes Scholar, PhD DSC, hello thee, all this
tell one thing to me sir, you're a dreamer

- I am adored, we have that straight?
- Oh it's quite, quite.

I have an idea.

I want to find out what
the average man thinks of it.

Then when we find out what he
thinks of it, will the change his thinking.

Change his thinking, naturally.

But I am about to tell
you now is very top secret...

it ranks with the discovery of
electricity and the invention of the wheel.

I am thinking of putting
on the market an all purpose...

cake of soap that would
also be used to clean teeth.

I see, sort of, sort of the
foam of the mouth approach, eh?

You would've started tomorrow morning.

That would've been fine but but aren't
we using rather a strange tense, would've?

No sir, we are not,
I loathe humor and you are humorous.

Just a pleasantry disaster.

Mr Waters hates pleasantries,
I suppose I should've told you.

I'm sorry to have offended you Mr. Waters,
it was unintentional and shan't occur again.

However, I really need a job
and if I may say so I think I would...

be definitely useful
to your highly reputable firm.

I am afraid of you sir,
you would be a poor ambassador...

of goodwill from a lady, this is a deadly
serious world, this world of business.

And at some given moment
she would probably revert to type.

- What would she...
- Why is he talking?

I didn't indicate that I'd finished talking.

- Did I?
- I saw no sign of it sir.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- You're the intellectual type.

I despised intellectual types.

You are an improvident grasshopper and I am
an industrious squirrel, nothing personal.

Now just a moment, what
I have to say is quite personal.

If you are a squirrel, you're a very naughty
one, you are also an unmitigated pompous ass.

And an expensive moron.

Is no use, only Mr. Waters is no longer on
this plane with us, shall we steal away.

Do I genuflect upon
leaving or, or just face Mecca?

Just face Mecca that's all.

That's all.

Very cute don't you think?
Burn Bridgewater's discovered him.

Did you get the job? May I congratulate you?

As you know, I didn't get the job,
but congratulations may be in order.

I believe I'd the greatest idea
since the discovery of Happy Hogan.

And now our next contestant...

Sir, what are you supposed to be? A bookie?

Seriously, what do you supposed to represent?

- I am the encyclopedia.
- And the monocle?

Britannica.

Oh, in that case I can ask you any about
anything, if we can ask any about anything...

I will ask you anything about anything.

I'm sure if you ask the questions
that will be a very limited field.

- Well, may I ask you name.
- You may.

- Well what is your day name?
- Beauregard Bottomley.

Would, would you mind repeating that again?

- I would mind, very much.
- Oh, Beauregard Bottomley is it then.

Well, on the questions, but first
here are you six cakes of Milady's soap.

- The soap that removes the dirt like...
- Any other soap?

I notice that.

He's a disappointed office
ticker and effective.

- It's saboteur from lifeboy.
- Yes sir.

Hear.

Here we go for the
first question and 5 dollars.

What Is the name of the first animal
described in the Encyclopedia Britannica?

The aardvark,
spell double A - R - D - V - A - R - K.

- The aardvark is an ant-eater.
- That is absolutely right.

You are now the proud possessor of 5 dollars.

By the way, you said the aardvark is
an ant-eater, is he also an uncle eater?

Yes, as a matter of fact
the aardvark is an uncle eater.

But he only eats the uncles of the ants.

- Ludwig van Beethoven born 1770 died 1827.
- That is absolutely correct.

John Jay was the first
Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

That is absolutely correct.

Theta is the
eighth letter of the Greek alphabet.

That is absolutely correct.

- 60 home run, hit by Babe Ruth.
- That is absolutely correct.

Here we go for the last question.

Which is farthest East
Las Vegas, Los Angeles or Reno?

- Las Vegas, Nevada.
- That is absolutely right.

Yes sir, you certainly did all right
for yourself tonight Mr. Encyclopedia.

- Here are 160 dollars in folding money.
- Why don't you ask me another question?

Don't be nervous.

Well alright, if the audience
wants us to ask you another question...

we'll ask you another question, but let me
warn you, it's not going to be an easy one.

Here we go for 320 dollars or nothing.

You have five seconds to tell us
the Japanese word for goodbye.

- One, two...
- Sayonara.

Not to be confused with cyanide, which
is of course goodbye in any language.

That is, yes you're absolutely correct.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time
in the history of Masquerade for Money...

a contestant has nicked us for 320 dollars.

- And here is your money.
- No, thank you.

Now wait a minute. Really, we're running out
of time, no more questions, no more time.

That's all right, I'll come back next
week when you have more time.

Thank you very much folks.

Your encouragement has been my inspiration.

I'll see you all next week
if they allow me on the program.

- What are you up to?
- Next week, 604 dollars.

I know but don't you see they won't
even let you on the show next week.

Why don't you take the 320?

Because the plan I
have in mind works in the future.

We slowly patronize the 100
dollar window at the Bank of America.

- Beauregard don't you see...
- Be careful Gwen, the enemy approaches.

Say Mr. Bottomley,
fun is fun and all what happened.

I think you better take your
money and forget about next week.

Mr. Hogan may I please have your autograph.

Why do you want a signature?
One X looks like another.

Is it something
special about me you dislike...

Mr. Bottomley or do you
hate me for myself alone?

Oh I don't hate you Mr. Hogan.

He merely thinks you're the fore runner
of intellectual destruction in America.

Yes, nothing personal.

If nobody is going to introduce me...

then I better have to introduce
myself, I'm Beauregard sister, Gwen.

I wouldn't let the news
get around, good night you two.

Don't think it hadn't been charming.

Is a shame we'll never meet again.

You'll never be more spotless
Gwen, you've been sutterly brushed off.

I think he's quite amusing,
you know this is wonderful smile?

Did I? I feel I know
personally each one at his teeth.

It's me greatest idea since the
walking man, I'm glad I thought of it.

We love stretch him out over a period of six
weeks by asking him only one question a week.

Yes sir.

- Pull out all stops on publicity.
- Yes sir.

Build up our audience and our
rating generate a terrific sales campaign.

- Yes sir.

Play up our extreme
generosity and then knock him off.

You ask me, I think we
ought to pay him off right now.

Nobody asks you.

You paid to entertain not to think.

That they may have a thought there.

You know this is a
dangerous precedent we're establishing.

Disorder weakens the size of
our top price 160 dollars.

Not only that but...

I', afraid it's no use Chuck.

I believe he's no longer with us.

- We're definitely progressing.
- I'll drink to it.

Oh, you'd drink to anything.

- Best of luck tonight Mr. Bottomley.
- Thank you.

- Bye Gerald.
- Good bye,

Just what are you made of.

Snips and snails and puppy dogs tails
that's what little boys are made up.

Very funny.

Here you are sitting calmly
and tonight you're answering a...

question for 40,000 dollars or nothing.

Please take the 40,000 dollars if
you win tonight please take it.

I will not.

But you realize what we
can do with 40,000 dollars?

Robbing new prizes much of eighty thousand
dollars four times as much as 160 thousand.

But they won't let you
go on Beauregard, it can't go on.

They'll do something and besides
just one mistake, one little mistake and...

we'll wind up with nothing

I don't believe I've done anything to
justify your lack of confidence in me.

Oh well, are you sure I'm the only
reason for your highly nervous condition.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The fact that happy Hogan is paid no attention
to you I would consider a compliment.

I still don't know what you're talking about.

This will take your mind
off what is your mind is on.

Rock formations in Death Valley.

These persons are not
only hot hard they're mean.

Let's that, keep this.

Well, if it isn't the
brain and another sister.

I'm glad you remember me.

Oh yes, didn't recognize you at
first, you have a hairdo or something.

Beauregard Bottomley, Burn Bridgewaters,
miss Bottomley, Burn Bridgewaters.

- How do you do?
- Oh yes, I've met Mr. Waters.

In a well upholstered torture chamber where he
practices his witchcraft over a bar of soap.

Excuse me.

Mr. Bottomley I would like to thank you.

Through you we have a increased operating.

We've gotten quite a bit of publicity
and seen we have doubled our sales.

D, I couldn't hear better news.
E, I hope the sales increase even more...

and F, it would frighten you
if you knew why I got this way.

And now ladies and gentlemen, we come to
that portion of Masquerade for Money...

reserved for Mr. Beauregard Bottomley.

Quiet please, will he be right...

or will he be wrong, all the
world wonders because tonight...

Beauregard Bottomley is shooting for
forty thousand dollars or nothing...

and now, here comes that thrown up quiz kid.

Well, where's your encyclopedia?

Well see, are you feeling
tonight Mr. Bottomley kind of nervous?

Why should I be nervous? It's your money,
you're losing it. I'm only winning it.

I've seen tonight
question, you will be sorry...

I suppose you stop all this
nonsense and just ask me the question.

You Mr. Bottomley have only to name the second
emperor of the Ming dynasty, that's all.

Of course, it was Jianwen, he was dethroned
by his uncle who became the third emperor.

Strange enough it said Emperor
had three names Zhu Di, Zhu Zu...

That's enough, he wins again.

Quiet, quiet please Mr.Bottomley...

here's your check for $40,000.

Ah, thank you, no money, I should return.

Well gentlemen, is not denying
the fact we're in a very tight spot.

I now believe that we have a
Frankenstein on our hands.

A very well informed
Frankenstein, he must be stopped.

You're absolutely
correct BW, the question is...

Don't use the word question.

Of course is now clear
we've received value for value.

We've certainly gotten 40,000 dollars worth
of prestige, publicity, buildup in sales.

I am now ready to pay off this man
and that will be the end of that.

That's a great idea Burnbridge,
the only trouble is it won't work.

Mark my words, next week
Beauregard Bottomley will be shooting...

- for 80,000 dollars.
- That's great Jack-head.

Thank you, thank you
and good evening Burn Bridgewaters.

- I'll be seeing you.
- Come back here Hogan.

You're in it's right up to your options,
this could very well be the end of radio...

for which you would be directly responsible.

Who me?

You think I enjoy being Joe Schmo...

from Kokomo each week and having
this joker tapped me with his insults.

I don't like it any better than you do, what
do you expect me to do? Go out and shoot him?

No, we mustn't start thinking right.

Why don't you just
refuse the let him on the show?

Let me explain something to you my dear.

If we take Mr. Bottomley off the show the...

people who listen to
our show wouldn't like the idea.

If they don't listen to our show.

If they don't listen our show, our sales
will drop to nothing and we will lose money.

Hope I didn't upset you my dear?

Now let me tell you,
with must board from again.

What do we know about
Beauregard Bottomley? What is he up to?

Who was the woman in his life? Where is
his weakness? Where is he most vulnerable?

- Where can we reach in and twist?
- There's very little to go on chief.

- No weakness, no woman no nothing.
- No hits, no runs, no errors.

He lives in a piano with his sister
who gives bungalow lessons.

Is no such thing as a man without
a weakness, there must be something.

Maybe I can get some inside
information for you Burnbridge.

Care to treat me to a few piano lessons.

I love this boy, I discovered
he's one of the greatest man in radio.

I feel two eyes boring
holes in the back of my skull.

- Hi.
- Mr. Hogan, you are most unwelcome here.

He's taking lessons.

My dear Happy Hogan, at the last counts of a
10482 piano teachers in Greater Los Angeles.

Your appearance
here suggests an ulterior design.

But I think he's
really interested in the piano...

and I'd like us to continue
what we've started, with the piano.

Gwen my dear, you are
unwise in the ways of the world.

This insidious instigator of infamy stands
poised at my vitals with a knife of treachery.

Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me.

The ridiculous idiom
of your profession, get lost.

Am I to understand that you
want me to leave? Don't answer that.

When a charming afternoon up
to a point at this point, I'm leaving.

I refuse to let you
interfere with my business.

I am not your child, I'm not your wife.

I am your sister and I'll give piano
lessons to Gargantua if I wish to.

I would've no objections to Gargantua.

Gwen, surely it must be apparent to you that
this Hogan fellow isn't interested in music.

Oh course not, you think I'm an idiot?

Ah, then you admit
that his motives are shady.

My latest open Burnbridge Waters
are obviously panicked.

They want me off the
air or they want to stop me.

It just doesn't occur to you that
he maybe interested in me, does it?

I know the juvenile crush on Hogan.

I know also that until
today he paid no attention to you.

Sometimes this things take time.

Even last night when you supreme your
presence in a supreme method to enchant him.

He remained, if I may say so,
rather unenchanted, didn't he?

- Perhaps I made a delayed impression.
- Very unlikely.

No my dear, Holden came here to look
for my weak spot, for my Achilles heel.

I suppose you're right.

- There is no need to see him again.
- No, no need.

I can't tell you how much I
appreciate you letting me see you.

- I know your brother would object...
- Violently.

Your brother is a very intelligent man but he
doesn't seem to know anything about love.

Tell me Gwen, isn't
there some woman in his life.

Not at the moment, you see Beauregard wants
woman who's not only beautiful but brilliant.

- And hard to find.
- Gwen, I'm lucky, I found one.

You know, my brother thinks you seeing me
in order to get some information about him.

I think so too.

- In other words, I'm heel?
- Not another words Same words.

And why did you come here?
Why did you let me kiss you?

Because I like you very much.

You like me even you think I'm a heel?

Isn't it awful?

I, I think you're the most terrific
girl I've ever met in my life.

- I'm wonderful.
- And I really mean it.

You and your brother were both right,
I did come looking for information.

I'm glad I did because I
found something really important.

You know I want him to stop too.

We should take the money
because we need it, he won't.

He's out to get them.

He has estimate Milady soap
company is worth 40 million dollars.

And he wins 40 million dollars to stop.

Happy boy, I knew you'd do it, how did it go?

Fine.

I'm seldom grateful to anybody but
I've certainly got to hand it to you.

- Put it here boy, put it here.
- It was your idea and it turned out great.

What's the score Happy boy?

As for Beauregard Bottomley
having a personal weakness...

he has none, there are no vices,
there's no woman at the moment.

What are you telling me boy?
Why are you letting me shake your hand?

- Did he agree to stop?
- His sister wants him to stop.

Oh, great, great that old Holden thought.

Sit down, you convinced it?

Well I didn't have to,
you see she's felt this way all along.

However, she doesn't have the
slightest influence on her brother.

Why are you telling me my
ideas so great, you knuckle knob?

What do you so happy about?

I fell in love with Gwen Bottomley.

How dare you fall in love on my time?

This is dishonest, treacherous
and un-American, get out of here.

Don't you want to know
what Beauregard Bottomley is up to?

Better get your pills out
Burnbridge, hold on to your hat.

Do you know what Bottomley wants?

He wants your blood and he has it figured
out at forty million dollars worth.

He's after every nickel and dime.

Every building and
factory, every hunk of stock.

Every barn, flake of soap.

Every stick of
furniture, all the executives in fact...

everything that belongs to
Milady soap company.

This is George Fisher in Hollywood.

Here something hot...

news has just come in off the wire
that the contest we've all been following...

feverishly is now over.

Masquerade for Money is off the air.

A check for 40,000 dollars has been given to
Beauregard Bottomley and that seems to be that.

Now the latest news
from the Phil colony is that, but wait...

here's the new development ladies and gentlemen,
Beauregard Bottomley has refused...

I said refused the check for 40,000 dollars.

What he hopes to gain by this I
don't know but I take you want to know...

especially the members of the
Beauregard Bottomley fan clubs...

not to telephone the station.

We'll bring you the latest news as
soon as it flashes across our wires.

In the meantime, we'll all await further
developments, now on to the Hollywood news...

Three cheers for Beauregard Bottomley.

Hold on everybody, quiet please.

And now Mr. Bottomley, would you
mind telling us why you refused the...

40,000 dollars offer to you by the
Masquerade for Money program.

I refused the $40,000 simply because
I've no intention of ending the contest.

But Mr. Bottomley, the
program is no longer on the air.

Well, I'm sure that Masquerade for Money
will be on the air again very shortly...

and I will be on the program.

Tremendous acclaim probes I am not
alone in my fight to end the Stone-head age.

And the public
will see to it that I continue.

Ah, there's good news tonight after all.

Masquerade for
Money is going back on the air.

And the reason for that decision
can be told in just two words...

no soap.

Not one bar of Milady soap was sold
over the counters of America...

since Beauregard Bottomley
was forced off the air.

And so once again Mr. & Mrs. John
Public proved their word is final.

The difference of that
streak is around 20,000 cycles.

That is absolutely correct.

The Upper Cretaceous deposits of the
Alborz mountain region of Persia...

consist of limestone, locally hyporitic
and fossiliferous mines out in Dajunas.

That is absolutely correct.

The molar of an Asiatic
elephant is 24 plates.

That is roughly correct.

Quiz programs?

I was one of the first people in
this country to think of quiz programs.

I discovered Hattie Hook,
I dreamed up Masquerade for Money.

I could've hired
Beauregard Bottomley for $40 a week.

I wanted him to continue
on the show, all my fault.

But I won't admit it even to myself...

Mr. Waters Mr.Waters, Beauregard Bottomley is in the
building he's demanding to be shown to the plant.

Beauregard Bottomley is in the building,
he's demanding to be shown to the plant.

He said he wants to acquaint
himself with his future holding.

Roaring mouse, destroy him,
have him arrested. No, wait a minute.

Not letting me, of course
that's the way to do it, let him in.

You're not thinking of
doing anything desperate, are you?

You do care for me, don't you?

That's sweet of you, remind me
to ask you later what you're doing to.

Never thought me kill him.

Oh, high lama of lepers.

285 degrees centigrade I presume.

And you're replacing the hydrogen of an
acid with a hydrocarbon radical.

How do you know?
Oh silly of me, I excuse that.

I can't be expected to do everything.

So you know that one gesture of yours...

that one gesture shows me that you
are a man of tremendous executive ability.

I just had the greatest idea
since the discovery of fire.

I will bath the world physically
and you will cleanse it mentally.

Together we will bring about a spotless
sparkling world, how does it hit you?

If I understand you correctly,
you're offering me a job?

Not a job, the Vice-presidency...

as if though Caesar joined
forces with Alexander the Great.

- That was over 300 years apart.
- Never mind.

- I am prepared to offer you not only the...
- You're no prepared to offer me nothing.

Frankly my dear Burnbridge, you are
living on borrowed soap flakes.

I see, well this
doesn't come as a surprise to me.

- My house is in order, I've prepared myself.
- I Find that very difficult to believe.

Beauregard, I like you.

I like you because you are an honest man.

And it's because I like you
that I feel I must now warn you.

You were headed for trouble,
you're about to link arms with misery.

Aren't you going to ask me why?

Then I will tell you why.

Beauregard...

it's terrible to have money.

It's frightening to be wealthy,
it's disastrous to be loaded.

Do you know what I had to
show for my life's work tiles?

Green pills to be taken after yellow pills.
Purple pills to be taken before green pills.

Alters the nerves, alters the
shriek nerves, the jingle jangle...

- Jingle.
- Jingle.

- Well, money won't buy you a new summer.
- Right.

I'll make a snip at night.

Right. Oh, you were so
brilliant, taxes, stocks, bonds.

Payroll, up keep bill.

Right Beauregard, but don't let them do it
you, I can take it, I don't count anymore.

They've wrecked me
but don't let it happen to you.

- How can I ever thank you Burnbridge?
- Oh, don't thank me Beauregard.

Just stay as you are
walk out of here into the sunshine...

of a carefree world, wise in the
knowledge that I have bestowed upon you.

For it is my sincere conviction that the
only way to be happy is to be poor.

My dear Burnbridge, I see your point.

I am about to make you
the happiest man in the world.

Get out of here, you'll see,
get out of this building immediately.

And when I takeover in two weeks,
victory clock, no reception please.

- And clean up the plant, won't you? Goodbye.
- I've tried to be nice to you.

But you wouldn't have it that way.
Well, you aren't in yet, this is war.

Ah, taxi.

No, it doesn't matter, sorry.

Do I need some cash?

Could he picked my pocket?

How are you feeling, improving I hope?

All the invading bacilli are on the run,
and I'm feeling much better, thanks

- I'll be right back Beauregard.
- Thanks Gwen.

You know, I don't believe in any of that stuff.
You see I'm a member of the old school...

and the old schools, the
best school when it comes to...

this sort of thing you...

Now, if you could only get some Indian herbs
and tie them around your neck, better do it.

Jim Dandy look at this split but you
can't get any Indian herbs these days.

- Oh, what you needs a good hot rum drink.
- Sure.

He wants to get loaded.

Friends, countryman, vice-president...

I come to bury Bottomley.

I have found a secret weapon
which sure destroy him at last.

Beauregard Bottomley is been infallible
up to now because his mind is undisturbed.

And what I ask you fellow
workers is disturbs a man's life.

Bottomley is looking for
perfection in a woman too.

Well, my dear friends,
I know of such a perfect creature.

Her name is Flame O'Neill.

She's a corn-fed Mata Hari,
her mind is as sharp as a razor's edge.

She has everything, except a heart.

And we're exceedingly
lucky, she is available now.

Health services to Milady soap...

will go down in
history as a shining example...

of foul play in our time.

You've a temperature of 95 de...

- 94 degrees,

I think you're very charming Frosty and very
considered to come over and take care of me.

Oh, do you really think I'm very charming?
I think you're very charming too.

But you're the only man who doesn't
pay any attention to me and I don't like it.

But I do pay attention to you Frosty...

you make it impossible
to overlook your many qualities.

But you see, you represent
the fine arts, I am a man of science.

Oh, it sounds beautiful and kind of dull.

- How is Mr. Bottomley this evening?
- Oh, he's fine, fine.

- Would you show me to his room please?
- He's in there.

But you can't go in there, he's sick.

Good evening.

I'm a present from the Billings
Montana Beauregard Bottomley fan club.

What a charming practical person.

What they worried so
much because of your illness that I...

Well, here I am, my name is Flame O'Neal.

- Slick-chick.
- Thank you. Oh?

You know, it will be difficult to express my
appreciation to you and to the fan club...

- but there's nothing seriously wrong with me.
- Your pulse is rather rapid.

Since is my responsibility
to see to it that you recover.

I intend to see that you do recover.

Oh, but I assure you I'm perfectly
capable of looking after myself.

- What's your name dear?
- Frosty.

- Good night Frosty.
- She's a very good friend.

How nice, but it's getting late and
the Sandman will soon be here.

- Your nurse.
- She's charming.

You don't show that must be a great
many people elsewhere who need Jersey...

I, I never go to the sleep before midnight.

You don't usually have a cold
before midnight evening, do you?

- And I always read myself to sleep.
- Now, don't be a difficult one.

Oh yes, the new Schlesinger book,
Your mind through darkest matter.

- Interesting but somehow violent.
- You've read that book?

You're not the only one who
read these books Mr. Bottomley.

You have to go to bed now too.

I take that you don't agree with Schlesinger.

Oh, I share his opinion
that mind can influence matter.

But I find it very
difficult go along with a theory...

that in the future we may
be able to move concrete objects...

such as chairs and
tables by sheer force of will.

Oh yes, I agree with you, Schlesinger
has a tendency to go overboard.

However, from the philosophical approach...

Then is tense that this lesson gentle
came in for the night too, shall we?

I'm, I'm afraid we,
we've no room for you here.

Any time you need
me don't hesitate to call me.

- Pleasant dreams.
- Really?

Pleasant dreams indeed.
Intention of dreaming, intention of sleeping.

What on earth is she doing out there?
Where, where's Gwen?

Why am I tight in? I know been tighted.

You can be stuffed, you know.

Flame O'Neil?

Attractive, charming, take her well informed.

Schlesinger?

However, I wish to read, I shall read.

- Are you going to sleep here?
- It's truly.

Quiet Caesar.

Is not what you were
saying about Schlesinger...

when you thought your opinion
of his theory of thoughts persons...

- You sleep?
- Are you a quid?

- Would you please put out the light?
- Sorry, I thought you were asleep.

I'm not, I would like to be but I'm not.

Why didn't you call me? That's why I'm here.

- What did you want? Some water?
- Well I...

- You are really thirsty, are you?
- No, I'm afraid I'm not. Such a child.

You're such a child.

But that's only natural I suppose,
great men see to preserve this quality.

What is it that really bothers you?

I don't know or perhaps, as a bachelor...

I'm simply not used to a
charming woman sharing my eye.

Try not to think of me as one.

Think of me as a nurse.

Good night nurse.

- Would you mind putting out the light please?
- Yes, certainly.

- What you laughing at?
- Nothing.

- Something I said or did fast?
- No, it was nothing. Really, nothing at all.

Isn't funny, one doesn't
laugh at nothing, does one?

Whatever I mean is, why does one?

But I, I just happened to think of
something that struck me as funny.

- That's what?
- Oh I...

I couldn't tell you, really I couldn't.

- Flame, may I ask you a question?
- Yes.

Three nights ago when you
entered my life on the wings of mercy...

- you laughed before you went to sleep, why?
- Oh, I couldn't possibly tell you.

The least of the decency to tell
me one thing, did it concern me?

Yes.

- Beauregard my conscience is bothering me.
- Why?

Well, now that your health is completely
restored I consider unethical to remain...

any longer in the employ of the Billings
Montana Beauregard Bottomley fan club.

Yes, I still don't feel right, you know,
when I turn abruptly my back...

- Can you help me drink water?
- Just something...

well it may be honest areas patients a.

- Beauregard, this is our last day.
- Last day?

Well, maybe out last day
as patient and nurse, but...

Can't we see each other when we're healthy?

But of course I rather hope we'd
see each other from time to time.

I would miss terribly the
brilliance of your wonderful mind.

I know, but isn't there something
else about you might miss?

- What I mean is I admire your mind too.
- Thank you.

It doesn't stop there.

What is it actually that you mean Beauregard?

- Can I have a drink of water?
- Well, what time...

No darling, great-daddy is tired, run along.

Should we run along too?

- May I help you.
- Thanks daddy.

Seem I'm a little inarticulate when it
comes to this sort of thing but...

would you have dinner with
me tomorrow night at my place.

I'd love to. Now it's time for
your acetylsalicylic acid.

- Going out?
- I didn't get my invitation in the mail.

Well, I didn't get my
invitation in the mail this morning...

so I decided I better
make other arrangements.

I've a date with Happy Hogan, any objection?

Many objections, but if you can't beat them.

If you must make a fool of
yourself, go ahead, make a fool of yourself.

- You know, here.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm much more
generous than you are, Beauregard.

I don't object you're
making a fool of yourself.

Are you comparing my friendship with Flame
with your giddy infatuation for Happy Hogan?

- I am.
- Let me tell you.

Comparison is odious
and extremely distasteful to me.

Hogan is a wise cracking treacherous moron,

Flame is a charming cultivated lovely lady.

I doubt her cultivation and a
little wary of the lady's charming.

And the rather old routine of the
invalid falling in love with the nurse...

must seem a little
corny even to you Beauregard.

But who cares, everybody else
makes a few mistakes in this world...

and it's nice to see that you've
gotten around to making a few yourself.

Good night.

Ah, we mustn't be
too critical of Gwen Caesar.

When people fall
in love, they often act foolishly.

I feel I can report a
certain degree of success already.

I've managed to introduce a rather
disorganized state of pleasant chaos.,

He is uncertain,
puzzle, upset and bewildered.

Of course, of course, all
this has happened tome many times.

But it's such a lovely
way to become bewildered.

Perhaps after all
of this is over you and I can...

become confused together, you're very lovely.

Never mind that.

Tomorrow night I plan
to apply the coup de grace.

Why not tonight?

Because tonight I have a date.

- I will not show up.
- Gorgeous, gorgeous a beautifully naughty.

You will not be able to
reach me until tomorrow morning.

My explanation for breaking the
date will be vague and uneasy.

He'll wonder whether
I was out with another man.

I'll allow him to wonder,

He'll become angry and will have to ask for
my forgiveness for being angry and then...

why am I telling you all this?

I'm sure you've
been through it all many times.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

My only regret is
that I didn't think of it sooner.

Now Beauregard Bottomley will be
pulled down from his proud pinnacle...

enjoying the vast army of us men
who've been driven nuts by women.

Where is she? Where doesn't she? About time.

- Darling, what happened?
- Nothing happened honey.

- Ho, ho, ho.
- It's mind explaining that ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, means ho, ho, ho.

I thought so and, I think it's rude
tactless and fathomly suggestive.

You're the last man in the world
I would've expected to be indiscreet.

You begin to get the
picture now, stood up, eh?

Right Gerald...

You get my bad manners.
Excuse me, just a moment.

- Get you dinner?
- Yes.

- Care for other?
- Yes.

Sit down.

- Hello?
- Flame, where have you been?

- What happened to you?
- Why should anything happened to me?

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

May I remind you that we
had a date for yesterday evening.

We have not, we have a date for tonight?

We had a date for last
night, I remember distinctly.

Well, even if I did make a mistake there's
no reason for you to raise your voice.

Why didn't you call
me I was at home all evening.

- I called you fifty three times.
- Maybe I was in the shower.

The fifty three times I called you were
scattered between 8:10 and 12:15.

Well I hope you don't
think I shower for four hours.

- Of course not.
- But you just said so.

I did not.

I am never in the shower more than five
minutes, maybe you called the wrong number.

That I consider an insult.

Flame, I really didn't
mean to hurt you darling.

Oh, I beg of you,
I implore you to stop crying.

All I did was try to
suggest an explanation you...

I'm also sorry.

Look I, I'll be seeing
you tonight, won't I Flame?

I want you to go with me at the broadcast.

Maybe it's better that
we don't see each other anymore.

Our relationship was
such a, such a beautiful thing.

If one little misunderstanding
can create such a chaos...

Would it be so easy for you
Flame, not to see me anymore.

- It wouldn't be from me I assure you.
- No, it wouldn't be for me either.

It wouldn't be for me I'll show you you.

Be here at 8 o'clock and don't
let's talk about yesterday anymore.

Oh it's awfully sweet of you to
forgive me and please, don't cry anymore.

Good bye.

Five minutes in the shower?

I called for four hours.

Women.

All right, let's forget
the shower for the time being.

One very good
reason not to answer the phone...

is that you don't hear it.

When I ask you, don't you hear the telephone?

For example, when it's out of order.

But the operator said it's
in excellent condition.

No, there's no explanation that I can find.

Except of course that you don't
hear the telephone when you're not at home.

I'll buy that.

- Oh, come in darling, come in.
- I thought perhaps you'd like it.

Thank you so much, how sweet of you.
I like it so much president cut flowers.

They wilt so fast that one has to throw
them away and there's nothing left.

Sit down darling,
I call you a lovely Martini.

Of course, I don't usually drink
before the program, but tonight perhaps.

Oh no? I forgot the program.
Your mind must be crystal clear.

- It's tonight I think I need one.
- You sure.

Flame, I'm a very
confused man, last night I thought...

We promised to each other Beauregard, not
to talk about last night again, didn't we?

And we won't, except that I wanted you to
Know I'm terribly sorry I mixed up our date.

No, it must've been I who caused the mix-up.

- In fact I, I know it was...
- Beauregard...

is it because of me that you're confused?

- Flame?
- No, you mustn't.

- Why mustn't I?
- Because it's so late, I...

and I'll get my things
and be right back, excuse me.

Lovely were Stephen.

Oh Beauregard, if you're worried
about those roses please don't be.

They come a very dear old
friend of mine a Dr. Stephen Blandon.

He must be at least 70 years old.

Very well reserved certainly.

You know Beauregard,
I'm fond of you, very fond.

- Aren't you glad to hear that?
- Very.

I've been looking for perfection in the
same way that you have, now last I found it.

Well of course, perfection
is some what an illusion.

And recently I found
some weaknesses in my structure.

I'd hoped I was the only one.

Oh, I'm here against you,
of course I'm utterly helpless but...

as a matter of fact, once before I...

- I...
- Another woman?

Old part of the country,
Albert Einstein was responsible for it.

- Albert Einstein?
- Yes.

I couldn't master his
space-time continuum theories.

- Drove me to the brink of a breakdown.
- Of course you mastered it.

Not quite my dear, not quite.

You like it?

Ah, the Greeks had a word for all
this but I can't quite remember it.

- Don't Beauregard, don't let's spoil it.
- Let spoil it little, eh?

- Chilly?
- No, no, it's all too late.

What do you mean Flame?
Is there something you want to tell me?

What could I possibly want to tell you?

Flame...

Flame...

- Oh my poor, poor darling.
- There please.

- That was a close one.
- What's the difference?

You're not interested, What I have...

Are you in love with this Stephen?

Love? For normal people.

- Flame, what are you talking about?
- I can't tell you.

Because if I tell you I'd lose
you and I can't afford to lose you.

You won't.

For heaven's sake what's the matter with you.

What should be the matter with me?
Am I cross-eyed or something?

- We shouldn't make me nervous.
- With nothing really just, just, a minute.

Oh, would you please
introduce me to this gentleman?

- Oh yes Mr.Leo Mr.Hogan.
- Beauregard?

Flame, this is not
Happy Hogan it is Mr. Waters.

- How do you do?
- Very well I'm sure.

Will you excuse me please?

This is the pay off this is
the end of Beauregard Bottomley...

tonight you and I will celebrate, I'll
drink champagne out of your typewriter.

I'm so sorry but...

here are six cakes of Milady
soap, the soap that sanctifies, good night.

Oh, you must be Flame and your
relativistic displays is fire in?

Why Beauregard, why you told me
all those nasty things about Hogan?

- I think he's terribly attractive.
- Of course I am.

Used to call me Gorgeous
Hogan when I was wrestling.

You see?

Stick around kid I'll be
back with more of the same.

It's absolutely disgraceful.

But I can't help myself
I tell you, I can help myself.

It's stronger than I, I liked to go, I had a
date with you I knew it but I had to break it.

I couldn't help myself
because Stephen, is just like Hogan.

- What is Hogan?
- Hogan is just like Bill.

And Bill is just like Jim and Jim...

- Quiet, quiet...
- A body in their hands.

This men Beauregard,
grown, handsome, brutal, devil may care.

Beauregard...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

The moment you've all been waiting for.

All over America's
preacher deserted his radio sets...

television consoles and theater screens...

are flashing this
program from coast to coast...

by short wave radio all the world
is waiting for these next few seconds...

when Beauregard Bottomley
will be shooting for the unbelievable sum...

of 20 million dollars or nothing.

Hurry Beauregard. Beauregard
they're waiting for you on the shuttle.

What shuttle? Oh, yes of course, yes.

- Who's that guy? I've seen him before summer.
- Go on.

I can't hear you unless you stop the music.

Stop the mu, you got the wrong program bud.

- Say, you feel all right?
- Oh yes, fine, thank you and you?

Well, here we go, are you ready?
Hey, I said are you ready?

What? Oh yes. I remember, I, I think so.

Here it is.

How does Einstein
regard the espace-time continuum?

Well? We running out of time.

You want to make a stab at it?

You have just five
seconds, come on and try it.

One, two, three, four...

He imagines the continuum
to be cylindrical...

as regards its extension in
time, but spherical...

as regards its extension in space.

So that cross sections
at different instances...

always give a spherical universe of
constant size and so of constant mass.

I'm sorry but that's incorrect.

Oh my, Oh my, is far as I can see.

Tough luck old man, but anyway,
here are six cakes of Mylady soap.

I was almost sure that was the right answer.

Where's Flame? Gone, I suppose.

Beauregard, I'm awfully sorry, really I am.

Listen to me, yelling for you, they want
you out there, do it for me please?

Hello? What? Christa New Jersey?

Who's calling? Oh yes, the
professor Einstein for Happy Hogan.

Have you switched to the stage call?

Einstein, what is he want?

- On call for you Happy?
- Hello, Happy Hogan speaking.

Yes sir, who?

Oh, yes sir, yes. Quiet.

Yes sir, yes sir, we will sir.

Thank you very much professor Einstein.

Is it bad?

Everything that comes from Einstein is
relative, bad for you good for Beauregard.

Your attention
please, ladies and gentlemen...

Professor Einstein has just
called from Princeton to tell us...

that Beauregard Bottomley answer was correct.

Hello? Oh, hello Mr. Waters, who called?

Oh, then you mean Beauregard is...

Oh, I'm so glad. Just a minute,
there's somebody at the door.

Beauregard?

But if, if, if, you only
give me a chance to explain, I...

Beauregard...

don't really mean it, I, I, I...

Somebody is killing her.

She's killing somebody.

Maybe somebody is here killing somebody else.

Miss O'Neil is having Bottomley problem.

Sit down.

- Instead of sitting I lean.
- Certainly.

Now, there is no Stephen, is there?

You bought the roses to yourself.

You're not neurotic,
spellbound, in the grip of brutal men.

- Only one.
- Yes, I wouldn't mind that.

I must congratulate you.

To destroy me with such
beautiful, torture, show real genius.

- Well, it was Waters idea originally.
- Ah, but the execution was exquisite.

Thank you Beauregard I did the worst I could.

Yes, I'm sure you did, I
remember the night you arrived.

- When I laugh in my sleep?
- Yes, it twisted my mind.

- It was effective, wasn't it?
- It was delicious agony.

Were you also pretending when I kept you...

Oh, you're wonderful
Beauregard, I'm ashamed of myself.

Yes, you ought to be, definitely...

but, you know, to be frank,
I should be a little ashamed too.

Why?

Well, because I tricked
you just as you tricked me.

You see, I became a little
suspicious, your timing was too good...

- You're scene is too perfect.
- Is that so?

And your compassion is to bad.

- You mean that I didn't drive you mad?
- Oh yes, yes, of course you did.

I fell in love with you
madly, despise my suspicions, but...

- nevertheless I...
- Beauregard...

do you mean that you purposely let me know
about your weaknesses for Einstein's theory?

It just so happens my dear that I
spend an entire season with Einstein...

working my way through
a maze of logarithms, I love you.

That's just one of the most dishonest
things I ever heard out of my whole life.

I don't know whether
I shall ever forgive you.

Why did this have to
happen to me? I'm a good man.

You know what they called me in college,
Sky Blue Waters, that's right.

No, that's not right, they call me
Dirty Waters and they were right.

Dirty Waters.

- That's why I went into the soap business.
- But he hasn't won yet.

You still got a week to go.

Yes, you're right my dear, you're
absolutely right, one long week of misery.

- Least a little you can do Mr. Waters.
- Yes, yes.

But I can go down in a blaze of glory.

Like Hamlet suck poison cup,
like Mark Anthony fell upon his sword.

I too would seek oblivion.

Next week show will be the last
show, for everything, 40 million dollars.

Book the Hollywood Bowl.

Thousands and thousands
of people, fanfare and pageantry.

The twilight of the Gods, Valhalla...

And then like Romeo and
Juliet, you and I will died.

You're not.

Oh well, come right in.

How is everything? Or perhaps
I should say how will everything be.

Mr. Bottomley, I
know that you're an unbeliever.

Nevertheless, I must
warn you about the future.

Oh, I'd appreciated much more if you
tell me something about Caesar's past.

Please, listen to him Beauregard,
he's really wonderful and.

And he's so upset about
what he saw on the crystal ball.

- Indeed I am, to begin with...
- There'll be an un usual turn of events.

- That is correct and furthermore.
- It'd be trouble in the family?

That's right...

But all these difficulties
will be finally overcome.

No, they will not
Mr. Bottomley, not only that...

You will not answer the last question.

My dear medium, your, your
crystal ball needs a new windshield wiper.

Ever been a bridesmaid Frosty?

You and Happy Hogan are going to be married.

I'm so happy.

Frosty...

I don't blame you for crying my dear.

Beauregard, tray to see this my way.

Gwen, I haven't wrecked my brains and tortured
my mind to drive Hogan off the air...

only to wind up with him at home.

- You don't have to live with us Beauregard.
- You have difficulty living with yourself.

Hogan didn't ask you
to become his wife without...

being sure he married
into a 40 million dollar family.

And when did he suggest
the wedding should take place?

- Before or after the Hollywood Bowl?
- The day after.

Hello Happy, this is Gw...

Darling I feel the same way and
is really no sense in our waiting.

Let's get married right away,
let's go to Las Vegas now, right now.

All right, we wait if
that's the way you wanted.

I know you're busy darling is just that I...

That isn't important really.

No, we'll wait darling.

Any questions? Gwen,
there's no reason to be unhappy.

You've everything you want.

The only thing I want
in the world is Happy Hogan.

I know, but you will discover
many new and beautiful things.

You'll be able to travel.

You'll be able to travel
all over the world if you wish.

And when you come back, I
know you're going to be very happy...

living with flame and me.

- Flame?
- Yes,

Gwen, she has promised to
be Mrs. Beauregard Bottomley.

- Are you out of your mind?
- She's explained everything.

And you fell for that like a nin-com-poop.

That female Benedict Arnold.

I resent that, I resent
you calling me a nin-com-poop.

When did she suggest that the wedding
take place, before or after the ball?

Hello Darling, hello.
Yes of course, I love you.

So much so, that I will be at your
house in approximately 45 minutes.

We will then motor to Las Vegas...

we will arrive at dawn and at the time we'd
had breakfast we will be husband and wife.

Trousseau, fittings, wedding gown.

Oh yes, yes, yes, I see.

Oh, then I guess we just,
just have to wait, goodbye dear.

- Step aside.
- What you people doing?

- This way Mr. Bottomley.
- Thank you.

- How do you do?
- In your case quite well.

You've been following me
around fora very long time.

Quiet abruptly
Mr. Bottomley, belong to us now.

I belong, would you mind
telling me who you people are?

Department of Internal
Revenue, you know, income tax.

- Oh yes, yes.
- We thought you were gangsters.

How much of him belongs to you?

Let's say that Mr.
Bottomley is in a battleship class.

Oh?

Let us know when you
pick up the money, won't you?

- Oh, why not stay and pick it up for me?
- We practically will.

- Well, good luck.
- Good luck to us too.

Means a awful lot to you
whether I win or lose doesn't you?

Of course darling, think how
40 million will look in our piggy bank.

Yes, indeed look well.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure at
this time, to present a man you all know...

you all love and you all laugh with...

I mean none other than Happy Hogan.

Thank you, thank you and
good evening ladies and gentlemen.

This historic event is about to begin.

It looks like closing
night for Masquerade for Money.

I would sincerely like to know who my
next sponsor is going to be, if any.

However, I have a sponsor
at least for the next half hour...

and I'd like to present him to you now.

The captain of our
stricken bark a self-made man...

a man who arrived in
Los Angeles as a barefoot boy...

has a good chance of leaving
tomorrow morning as a barefoot man.

Burnbridge Waters.

Let the best man loose.

Here he is, the man of
the hour, the man of the year...

the man of the century, the man who
knows everything, super brain Bottomley.

Beauregard, in one moment you will be
asked a question the answer to which...

will determine whether you're
worth 40 million dollars or nothing.

Of course you can still take
your 20 million dollars and go home.

- No, thank you.
- Are you ready?

Quite ready.

Do you have your
wallet with you? May I have it?

Here is your question.

Beauregard Bottomley, what is
your social security number?

Of course, nothing could be simpler.

My social security number is 452 - 1...

no wait a moment, that's
5-4-2, no no 2 - 4 - 5.

That's right 245-17...

- 6012.
- That is absolutely wrong.

Well, it's just very right.

But I was right to. Oh, you're horrible.
An hour ago you lost 40 million dollars.

Flame certainly left you in a hurry.

I consider one of the greatest
virtues to take. Defeat with dignity.

- Good evening, good evening.
- What's this?

- Champagne.
- Champagne is a cider.

The beginning of a life long supply.

Good heavens, where you've been?

- Champagne.
- Oh you lovely, lovely bird.

We were roommates in college together.

So you're the one that
taught him all these expressions.

- Happy...
- Come on darling.

Aren't you going to wish us good luck?

Well, you're obnoxious but not
quite as obnoxious I thought you were.

- Hello.
- Flame...

Darling, aren't you packed and ready.

If you don't hurry we'll
never have breakfast in Las Vegas.

You don't know how ready I am.

Oh, goodbye.

- Let's get loaded.
- Don't worry, we will.

- Oh, yours?
- Our.

No, oh Beauregard, it's beautiful.

- Where it come from?
- Wedding gift.

From a very generous Burnbridge Waters.

Generous? Burnbridge Waters?
Those two don't write things together.

You know I don't
understand any of this at all.

Yes, unbelievable is it? And is not all,
I have my own radio-program a bit of stock...

and a few other small considerations.

Did you make a deal with Dirtywater?

Did you agree to answer the
last question wrong on purpose?

Oh darling, you did it all
because of me, didn't you?

You want to find out if I really loved you?

Oh you, gorgeous, Beau.

A gorgeous yes, but
I wasn't such a fool after all.

I must confess I didn't
know my social security number.

May I kiss you properly
darling, I promise not broke in.

Well that's highly possible my
sweet but you can go ahead and try.

- What is this?
- Books.

What for?

I always read myself
to sleep darling, remember?

Myself to sleep darling you remember