C'era una volta il crimine (2022) - full transcript
Come, come. It's behind the Spitfire.
What time is it?
Cool!
That's it.
- Well, where's the portal?
- Here it is.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
The space-time clock I created
doesn't miss a beat.
I can see where the incoming
and outgoing portals are.
Guys...
Are you sure you can manage by yourselves?
Renatino, they already busted Ranieri
and Sebastiano for the Van Gogh theft.
So if you don't get lost,
they'll bust you, too.
Right. All you can do is go back to '82.
I don't mind going back to my day.
I'm telling you,
I don't like these modern times.
Too vulgar.
Listen...
Can I hug you?
As long as you don't hug me too tightly.
Guys...
At this point...
Not too tightly.
All this mawkishness...
Renatino, take care, okay?
Are you finished?
Hey... You're the only gang I've ever had.
And you'll always be our boss.
Are you sure you have everything you need?
Giuseppe, I'll be able to live three lives
in '82 with these diamonds.
If you need me, you know where to find me.
Before leaving
I want to tell you one last thing.
To all of you.
Go, Roma!
Always!
He disappeared.
He's gone.
What are we going to do now
that we have one man less?
We need to recruit another person
in our gang.
I think I know someone
who would be perfect.
Guys! You can't just smooch around
while I'm teaching.
Are you at the park? Settle down! Come on!
Esposito, I'll give you the chance
to make up for the "F"
I gave you yesterday.
So... It's the Second World War:
tell me the name of the King of Italy.
- I don't mention any names.
- What a dumb-ass, Esposito.
Gargiulo, can you answer for us?
- Victor Emmanuel.
- Well done.
See? Victor Emmanuel I, ll or Ill?
The last.
You keep on acting silly,
don't you, Esposito?
Your "F" is confirmed.
Who cares? Anyway, you're just
the substitute, not our teacher.
Oh, yeah?
Then I'll even give you a black mark.
You're an asshole.
What did you say?
Asshole... and a cheapskate.
Esposito... always acts funny, right?
He makes us laugh, he's brilliant.
He is the bomb!
Fuck off.
So, who's next?
Claudio!
- Hey!
- Loretta, what are you doing here?
Darling, how are you? Everything alright?
Hey, guys, he's my cousin,
Claudio Ranieri.
- Hi.
- The soccer coach, sure.
Winner in 2016 with Leicester City F.C.
in the Premier League.
- I didn't know that. Congratulations!
- Congratulations for what? You idiot!
You really think he's Claudio Ranieri?
He's young! We're just joking!
How should I know?
Listen, how's uncle Massimo?
"Massimo Ranieri", the singer? Sure!
Let's say
that he's on a long holiday right now...
Six years and three months to be precise.
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, Claudio has a degree in History.
No, no. "Historical Sciences",
if you don't mind. There's a difference.
I also wrote an essay
on the Second World War. High quality.
- And hardly no commercial success.
- Well...
Yes, but it's about the Second World War.
Exactly. And in this regard,
you know that we time travel, right?
We want to offer you a job.
- Really?
- Yes. Can you get a couple of days off?
They just gave me
an indefinite leave, so...
Perfect! It's a bit difficult to explain.
It could seem incredible.
I'll do anything
not to go back to those dumb asses.
I'd even travel to the moon.
As long as you pay me.
- We have the money.
- Yes. Tons of it.
- Then I'm in. What do we have to do?
- Well... Steal the Mona Lisa...
A piece of cake, in other words...
After stealing it, the problem will be
Europe under Nazi occupation.
It will be devastated
by the Allied bombings.
We'll be in the middle of a chaos.
Going back to the future
will be complicated.
We'll be in France
on the dawn of September 7th, 1943,
that is,
the day before the famous armistice.
- Sure. Which armistice was it?
- What do you mean "which armistice"?
It's on the tip of my tongue,
but I don't remember.
The agreement between Italy and the Allies
to suspend hostility.
- The armistice...
- Hey... I couldn't remember...
Cousin, we're lacking the basics.
This is elementary school stuff.
Jeez...
- This guy's already a pain in the ass...
- Moreno...
Anyway,
you'll pretend you're Nazi soldiers.
I got you some passes.
Moreno, Giuseppe and Claudio.
They're signed by the SS.
Who's this guy? Me? Huh?
- Yes. Greatly photoshopped.
- Photoshopped...
Not really. We look macrocephalic.
Hey, I got them for 30 bucks
at the flea market.
Alright.
Most of all, you won't have any problem
to reach the Castle of Chambord,
where the French hid a lot of works of art
to avoid them ending up in Hitler's hands.
Anyway,
we're only interested in one: that one.
Hey, it's not the original.
Come on, guys.
Where shall we go dressed like that?
- And what shall we say? "We're the SS"?
- Excuse me, what is this? Huh?
- The flea market.
- Yes.
- Guys, I'm ready. Let's go.
- No, no. No way.
No, for this mission
you'll be perfect without a wig.
Come on, Giuseppe.
You look like "Marcella Bella". Come on.
It's a shame. I'm fond of it.
But we're in 1943.
Okay, guys, let's recap.
Once you've stolen the painting,
this watch will lead you
towards the first available
space-time portal,
which will bring you back.
Understood? Here.
- I'll keep it.
- Put it around your wrist.
- And never take it off.
- No kiddin'.
Don't worry, because Loretta and I
will monitor everything from here.
Any questions?
Yes. Let's go get the Mona Lisa!
- Let's go for it!
- Let's get it! Yeah.
Come on.
Damn...
COME ON, GUYS! LET'S GO!
EYES OPEN. LET'S GO!
THERE'S THE CASTLE!
IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO GET IN...
CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD. THE
FRENCH TROOPS GUARD THE CASTLE.
SHH! QUIETLY!
THERE ARE GUARDS AT THE ENTRANCE.
I'll TAKE CARE OF THAT...
TIME FOR A NAP...
YOU TOO!
FOLLOW ME.
THE MONA LISA IS IN ONE OF THESE
CASES.
FOUND IT!
THEY'RE COMING. RUN!
DAMN! HOW MANY ARE THERE?
HA-HA-HA. WE'RE OUT!
IT'S DONE!
ONCE UPON A CRIME
We stole the Mona Lisa.
Now we have to go home.
Gentlemen... here it is.
The original Mona Lisa of 1503.
Maybe 1504, painted on poplar wood.
It's completely different
without the glass in front of it.
- How much money will this lady make us?
- You don't understand.
Some people are willing to pay any price
for "this lady", as you call her,
and hang it on top of their fireplace.
Anyway. What about the portal?
The space-time gate to get back
to the future will open in Camogli.
Camogli? Like the sandwiches
at the Highway restaurant?
Where the fuck is Camogli?
Holy shit.
Ignorance is something I never tolerated.
- You're telling me...
- Not at this level.
- Where is it?
- In Liguria.
How do you know?
- I just know it.
- Yeah, sure.
And my grandmother's from there.
That's why you know,
because of your grandmother, otherwise...
Come on. Let's hurry up.
It's here.
This is the inn where Jean Paul Sartre
and Simbn de Beauvoir
spent their weekends before the war.
Yeah, sure.
Let's do this: we'll spend the night here,
and tomorrow morning at dawn
we'll enter into Italy, alright?
Yes, but how will we pay?
- Did the Nazis ever pay anything?
- Right.
When the French see us,
they'll shit on us. Put it there.
- Leave everything here.
- Here.
Good thing
they were all supposed to be French...
Let's go.
Please.
Let's sit.
Heil Hitler!
What the fuck are you doing?
Sit down.
- You know this song'?
- Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Up, UP!
- Sing, comrades!
- "Jail-
Put your arm down.
Guys, let's get out of here.
If they find out who we are,
they'll shoot us.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Soldiers!
You drank enough for today.
In your cots.
The ship for Naples leaves at dawn!
Jaw oh“.!
Jaw oh“.!
What unit do you belong to?
What unit do you belong to?
Second legion, Colonel.
We were on the French front.
You speak German?
I took part in the Erasmus program
in Munich.
When were you going to say it?
I'm proud of what you're doing in France.
He's proud of what we're doing in France.
Thank you, Commander.
Italian? Spies! Spies!
Spies! Damn! Run!
Leave me!
Go, go!
Follow them!
- We have to hide!
- Where?
I want to remind you
that we're on the border
of occupied France, it's full of Nazis!
I know where! Follow me!
This is my grandmother's house.
She's an anti-Fascist.
That is, a convinced Communist.
She'll help us. Don't worry.
If your grandfather sees us,
he won't shoot us, right?
He won't be able: he died in Russia.
What are you talking about?
Alright.
Actually, don't say anything,
because she doesn't know yet.
Especially you,
since you already made to many gaffes.
- Can you help me take this off?
- Anything else?
Oh, great. You have a waistcoat now.
Come on, guys.
I told you not to buy things at...
Who are you?
What do you want?
- Who is she?
- Grandma!
I'll count to three: one...
We're not...!
Two...
We're Vincenzo's friends.
My grandpa...
- Husband.
- Husband.
Your husband.
We served together
in the Italian expedition in Russia.
What are you doing here?
Are you deserters?
- No...
- No.
- Yes.
- Oh, yes, yes!
Of course!
We're hiding from the Germans.
We need a place to stay for the night.
Please, help us. Please.
Help us.
I'll shut the door, madame.
Oh, a fireplace. It's so cold.
You really saved our lives.
Thank you so much for your hospitality.
How is Vincenzo?
Uh, how... how is Vincenzo?
How is he? Fine. How's Vincenzo?
How is Vincenzo?
Uh, Vincenzo is...
I mean, he's a big man.
He's six feet tall. He's rock solid!
He's always...
How can Vincenzo possibly be?
He's a tough old bird!
Why isn't he with you?
Why?
- He knows why.
- What are you saying?
- You know about Vincenzo?
- He wanted to continue fighting.
Exactly. You know what kind of guy he is.
You know.
Do you have any news from the front?
He knows everything.
Let's give her some fresh news
from the front. Come on.
Yes, uh...
The Red Army crossed the Don
and overwhelmed the front
with a pincer movement.
So the Italians were forced
to retreat in the icy steppe,
and since they were wearing
cardboard shoes,
they lost their toes, limbs...
Hey! Are you joking? What do you mean
"entire limbs"? That's not possible.
He's always joking around...
In his book
"Centomila gavette di ghiaccio",
Giulio Bedeschi talked
about a tragedy of Homeric proportions.
- But "Badeschi" really busted our balls!
- Bedeschi. You ignorant beast! Dumbass!
Madame, don't worry, really.
Your husband is in good health.
- Come.
- Yes.
- I'll show you your room.
- Yes.
- I'll bring you some blankets.
- Yes.
Thanks.
Thanks you.
Look.
Wow...
Did she make them?
Indeed. My grandmother
was a great photographer.
Books, exhibitions...
- Congratulations. They're beautiful.
- Thanks.
Many girls want photos
so they can send them
to their boyfriends at the front.
This is...
It's mom.
Wow, what a beautiful girl!
Is she your daughter?
- Mommy, who are these gentlemen?
- Daddy's friends.
Daddy's friends?
Where is he? Is he coming back?
Daddy?
Yes.
Yes. He's... he's coming back.
Promise?
Can I take a look?
What a beautiful accordion.
Is it yours?
Yes. Do you want to hear me play it?
My heart goes from evening to flower,
with sweetness and love.
Go for me.
Very good.
Go because my happiness
only lives with reality, next to you.
This is how I want to live.
She always sang this song to me
when I was a boy.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily, blissfully.
I want to live and enjoy
the air in the mountains.
Because this beauty doesn't cost anything.
Well done!
Bravo.
Bravo.
Very good!
You get better and better, darling.
She's very talented.
- She died of a heart attack.
- I'm sorry.
It was probably my fault.
She had high expectations.
She wanted me
to become a magistrate, a doctor...
And I didn't even finish eighth grade.
- That's not difficult to understand...
- Really?
Yes.
Time to go to bed. Everyone.
- Yes.
- Good night.
Good night.
Night.
Huh?
- Mommy...
- Shh.
You two, upstairs! You come with me!
Shit! They've been here!
Mommy, he“?!
The accordion.
We don't have time to look for them!
The ship is about to leave! Let's go!
Go away! Hide!
What was that?
Where are they? Where are they?
Bastards!
Enough! Come here! Quickly!
Where's the girl?
Monica! Monica!
Oh my God!
Damn them!
- They cut the tires!
- And now what?
Go, go.
Go.
Monica!
No! Monica!
No! No! Fuck, it's gone!
Oh my God!
Fuck!
She's on the ship!
- Where is it headed to?
- It's the ship to Naples.
- We have to go there! Now!
- Don't worry.
- We'll find a solution somehow.
- What shall we do?
Calm down, please.
We even lost the portal to Camogli...
What the fuck
do I care about the portal to Camogli?
There's another one available in Caserta
until September 10th.
I have to save my mother.
No, you don't get it.
I'm only here for the painting
and the money.
- Everything else is your problem.
- Then let's do this.
If you don't come with us,
you can forget the Mona Lisa!
First we rescue my mother
and then we'll go back to the future.
You don't understand.
Travelling through Italy
in such a historical context is madness!
Understand?
There are Nazis, Fascists, partisans!
And the "Sun Motorway"
still doesn't exist!
Do you know what day it is today?
Of course! It's September 8th!
The day of uhm... The Solstice day!
Armistice! You dumb-ass!
Ignorant! Don't you dare!
Adele! We'll take you to Naples!
No, you've already caused too much damage!
It's your fault!
You caused this situation!
Adele, we know,
and that's why we want to help you!
If we want to save Monica,
we need to stick together.
All for one, one for all!
Like a real gang!
We have to inform Gianfranco and Loretta.
And how should we do that?
Mr. Gianfranco Righetti?
Yes, it's me!
- Who is it?
- There's a registered letter for you.
- Fuck off.
- Fuck off.
- Hello! Good morning.
- Good morning. This is for you.
- Thank you.
- Please, sign here.
Sure.
You need to pick up a packet
from "The GGang". With two "G's".
We've had it for almost 80 years.
It was sent on September 8th, 1943,
and is supposed to be delivered today.
We even bet if this "Gianfranco"
is still alive or not...
- And what does it say?
- How should I know?
- Where is this packet?
- Excuse me, what planet do you come from?
You go to the post office,
give them the receipt
and they'll give you the packet.
It's quite elementary.
- Shall I explain it again?
- No, thanks. Not necessary.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
All the best.
How obnoxious.
Look at that. It's illegible.
Excuse me. That's because the office
was flooded in '79.
The packages were all floating in the mud.
My uncle retrieved them.
He used to work here.
Can you decipher something?
I can't read anything here.
Give it to me.
Well, it seems it says "dead".
Dead.
And then something like "-erta"...
- Roberta's dead!
- Really?
- Condolences.
- Condolences.
- Who's Roberta'?
- How should I know?
Not "Roberta"! It says, "Caserta"!
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Read carefully, Dakota.
- Dakota? Are you called "Dakota"?
- Dakota Maria Campanacci.
Dakota Maria Campanacci? Why?
Understand?
You're right. It says, "Caserta".
"Take them to Caserta".
Oh,
it's probably buffalo milk mozzarella,
which needs to be taken to Caserta,
yummy!
But I'm sorry, it has probably expired,
because the stamp is dated
"September 8th, 1943".
Where? At the Royal Palace of Caserta?
"Take them...?" It doesn't say "Take
them". It says, "The portal in Caserta"!
Oh, right!
- What the fuck does that mean?
- I know what it means. Come.
Do you understand?
They missed the portal in Camogli,
they're telling us
they're going to the portal in Caserta.
-So?
- So they're really messed up!
- Let's go.
- Yes.
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!
Claudio?
Where are all those Germans going?
To Naples.
To reinforce the Gothic line,
in order to face the Allies,
who just landed in Sicily.
I ask myself: "If the King
put Mussolini in prison"
"how come the Fascists
are still with the Nazis?"
Right!
It's a keen observation,
thank you for the question.
Well, in fact,
some deserters joined the partisans.
The ones who stayed true to Badoglio
are still allied to the Nazis.
The historians' general opinion is...
- What the fuck? Make it brief!
- You're a real boor! I'm just explaining.
- You're a pain in the ass!
- And you're an asshole!
- Enough! Stop it!
- It's his fault! Get off, will you?
Come here!
Why don't we put on our Nazi uniforms
and cross that damn bridge?
You have Nazi uniforms?
Yes, we stole them from the Nazis
so we could run away.
- Is that why they were pursuing you?
- Quite.
With the sleeves
torn off of his uniform,
Giuseppe
looks like one of the Village People.
- The Village what?
- I'll explain it to you later.
We'll tell you later.
Hey, I have an idea!
Adele and I can pretend
we're your prisoners,
and you can wear your Nazi uniforms
and pretend you're escorting us to Rome!
Do you think that will work?
I don't know. If we don't have
any alternatives, we can try.
- But we need to be prepared this time.
- We'll be prepared.
What the fuck? You're killing me!
This thing is already heavy enough!
Enough! Stop it!
Come on!
Enough!
- Did he talk to you about me?
- Who?
Vincenzo.
Oh! Vincenzo, sorry.
Yes, sure. He talked my head off.
What did he tell you?
What did he tell me?
That you're a very clever woman.
Not really.
I was responsible for Monica,
and instead...
That's not your fault, Adele.
What could you have done?
Anyway, we're going to get her back.
And when all of this is over,
you'll embrace each other again.
All three of you.
Who are you?
Are you Fascists or anti-Fascists?
What... what are we?
- Anti-Fascists.
- A...anti-Fascists!
- We want freedom.
- We want freedom. Really badly.
Are you alone?
- No.
- Yes. No.
No. Pardon me. We're with two friends.
Even they
are extremely anti-Fascists, really...
Fine.
Deutschland fiber alles in der Welt...
- I can explain.
- Shh. Quiet.
- Move.
- Let's move.
You two, go.
Please...
Uber alles...
Rudi Voeller... La la la...
- Hey!
- Huh?
- Who's "Rudi Voeller"?
- Are you kiddin' me?
"Rudi Voeller", football player
of "AS Roma" with 68 goals! Got it?
"Rudolf," known as "Rudi" Voeller.
"Fly, German, fly; the curve stand praises
you sky-high!" Doesn't that ring a bell?
You think the Germans
would put a football player's name
in their national anthem?
You're a troglodyte!
They should! You ignorant!
Deutschland, Deutschland, Rudi Voeller...
Uber alles...
- Hey!
- Oh my god!
The partisans! Hey, it's not as you think!
One morning, I woke up.
Goodbye, my beautiful.
Goodbye, my beautiful.
Goodbye, my beautiful!
Shit...
Yeah...
Come on.
They even have horses.
Hi, Anita.
Big catch today, comrades.
Sure thing...
Put your backpacks down!
Come on, let's go.
So aggressive...
- Why are you wearing those uniforms?
- They stole them from the Nazis.
Yes, they're fake.
- What about this backpack?
- It's mine. It's mine. Leave it.
- Who's this ugly hag?
- It's probably his aunt.
- That's... the Mona Lisa?
- You don't say...
- What is it?
- It's the Mona Lisa!
- Oh, it's the Mona Lisa.
- The what?
It's a masterpiece.
It's a copy of the masterpiece.
It would be too good to be true.
It's worth nothing.
I enjoy making copies, imitations.
You know, he's from Naples...
Well, if it's worth nothing,
we'll use it as firewood.
NO! No!
It's a memory of his aunt.
They're very fond of each other.
Oh, see? Then your aunt does have to do
with this. You're a liar and an idiot!
- I could slap him across the face...
- Calm down!
- I'm gonna beat your brains out!
- Hey! Oh!
You'd better keep still. Idiot.
I'll keep still
just because you're holding a rifle.
Lump it.
What are these?
Passes.
Signed by the SS. You're Nazi spies!
What...?
What are you talking about?
There must be a misunderstanding!
They even speak German!
Let's keep these fools in rifle range!
- It's English. Not German.
- What does that mean? They are...
Calm down, comrades.
- Who are they?
- Nazi spies.
We found them next to the bridge.
You must be their boss.
We can explain this unfortunate incident.
- No. I'll talk. It's better.
- If he talks, they'll surely execute us.
First of all I want to clarify
that we are very Italian.
Pleased to meet you. Claudio.
- Giuseppe.
- Sandro.
Moreno.
And we're anti-Fascists!
Much more than that!
We've been anti-Fascists for generations!
My grandfather even called his son,
"Antonio".
- Like "Antonio Gramsci". Just to say.
- Gramsci? I met him in prison, at Turi.
No, wait a second. Turi, Gramsci,
Sandro...? I can't believe it!
What?
- Do you realize who this man here is?
- No.
Sandro!
- You mean "that" Sandro?
- Yes.
Sandro who?
What do you mean who? Sandro Pertini!
The President of the Italians!
Look, I am so thrilled!
It's an hon our! Pleased to meet you!
Excuse me.
How do you know my last name?
- Then you really are spies.
- No, let us explain...
- No! May I explain?
- Explain.
I'm here, dressed like a clown,
to save my mother.
- Your mother?
- My mother.
No, I mean, my mother is young,
very young, but grandma here...
- What?
- Grandma... You're getting me mixed up!
They're a bit confused.
Fuck off!
No, sir! Sir!
Let's have some lunch.
It's more constructive.
What about them?
What shall we do with them?
They seem like four idiots.
We'll leave them here.
At least until we're finished.
Take their uniforms. They could be useful.
He's falling asleep.
- Let's do this.
- What?
We'll bust the gate,
give him a blow and get out of here.
That doesn't seem very wise.
Do you realize how many partisans
there are around here?
And do you realize that my mother
is on a ship with the Nazis?
Moreno's right.
Adele? Find some weapons. I'll grab this.
Where are you going with that frying pan?
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Acting like Bruce Lee?
- Who's Bruce Lee?
- I'll tell you later.
I'm Karate Kid. The crane kick.
I'll crack his head.
Stop talking bullshit. Stand by.
You knock on the door
and when he opens it,
I'll hit him with this on the head.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Go.
I'll do it, guys.
Lofts!
- Shh! Hey, wait!
- Who's whistling?
Hey!
- You snooze, you lose.
- Sorry.
- Go and eat. I'll stay here for a while.
- Thanks, Sandro.
It's Pertini. He took over.
We can't strike Pertini.
I mean, if it was Cossiga,
we could have done it.
But not Pertini! Come on.
Shh!
What's he doing?
He's playing "Solitaire".
Of course. He's obsessed with cards,
with "Scopone".
Remember the famous game
on the Football World Cup airplane?
No.
Of course! He was playing with Zoff
against Causio and Bearzot!
Guys...
Maybe I can manage to cheat somehow.
Get out of the way.
Watch.
Comrade Sandro?
Do you enjoy playing cards, sir?
Only Fascists say "sir"...
You have to be more informal.
- I mean, do you like playing cards?
- Yes.
"Solitaire" is nice,
but "Scopone" is much better.
My comrades
don't know how to play it, unfortunately.
No? We do! We do! Time for a game?
$COpa!
Oh well... You need to be
a bit more concentrated, gentlemen.
But my comrade sucks.
No, no!
The fact is that Sandra's good at playing.
Actually, I want to reiterate that we
have nothing to do with the Germans.
We just need to get to Naples
as soon as possible.
Yes, right! Actually, we think
the Nazis are really disgusting.
We're like you. We want freedom.
People who believe in freedom,
fight for freedom.
Scopa! That makes two of them.
- Two.
- Two times "scopa".
Two.
I mean,
if you're not concentrated, we'll leave.
Don't worry. I'm going to warm up now.
A real man
would do anything for his freedom.
Because freedom is participation.
- Nice one. Is it yours?
- No, Gaber's words.
Is he German?
No! Gaber! Giorgio Gaber is a friend
of ours in Milan. He's also a partisan.
Yes, from downtown Milan.
I don't know him.
- Scopa!
- Oh come on! How lucky!
What do you mean lucky?
He left a four on the table.
Not even one came out, Mr. President!
How could you leave a four on the table?
No, you were just lucky. Anyway,
we're always with you, Mr. President.
Why do you keep calling me Mr. President?
I'm the president of nothing.
Well, not for now.
But when democracy takes its course,
who knows?
We might have a partisan president.
Everything's possible.
They're even going
to make a song out of it.
- Scopa!
- Oh come on!
We also got three diamond cards,
Mr. President!
Sandro, how do you think
Italy will be in the future?
I would make do with a worse democracy
than the one you're outlining.
It would surely be much better
than any dictatorship.
Right!
There's no doubt about that.
Scopa!
And we even got a seven of diamonds!
What did you just say, Mr. President?
"You need to be a bit more concentrated".
Right, Mr. President?
Who's the most brilliant guy now?
Three "scopa,"
we won the majority of the cards,
primero, seven of diamonds...
We have all the points.
Well? Do you want a return game?
- No. I have a better idea.
- Really?
So we'll find out
if you're on the right side of history.
We busted the President's ass.
You're an idiot!
Let's go.
I don't get it.
What are we supposed to do?
We need to take this cart
to the other side of the bridge.
I thought it would be worse.
Because you don't know
what's inside those crates.
- What's inside?
- A bit of dynamite.
- A bit of dynamite?
- We need to blow up that bridge.
Mr. President,
maybe someone else should do this.
I'm even a conscientious objector.
No. What was your friend Gaber
saying before? "Freedom is...?"
- Participation.
- Participation!
Of course.
- But he's not exactly our friend...
- Hello and goodbye...
This way. Over there.
Sandro? Excuse me.
Why didn't you send the bald guy, too?
Because he didn't beat me at "Scopone".
Yeah,
did you really have to argue with Pertini?
Remember when he got in a fight with Zoff
on the airplane
because he lost the card game?
No, I don't remember.
I'm not interested in football.
That's not football. That's history.
History is about important facts,
not bullshit.
Stop!
There we go...
Stop! Stop!
We stopped!
Stop or I'll shoot!
- No! Hey! No shooting! Wait a second!
- We're working!
- Who are you?
- What do you mean? We have a delivery!
You think you're "Glovo"?
A delivery, sure... Supplies!
We haven't been informed
about receiving supplies! Go back!
No...
We have precise orders! We can't go back!
Another step and we'll open fire!
Hey! What do you mean you'll open fire?
Don't flare up!
We're peasants! Why?
- I mean, we speak the same language...
- Let's talk about it face to face!
- We'll come closer!
- Stand back!
Stop!
- Oh come on!
- Stop!
- We're Italians!
- Stand back!
- Stop!
- You don't understand!
Stop!
We could blow up!
We're going to blow up! Listen to me!
Oh, my God!
Wow! Did you see that? It collapsed!
Good, comrades!
You have rendered
a great service to democracy.
Long live Italy!
Oh, fuck off...
Are they dead?
No.
Look.
Hey!
We're alive!
- Ouch! That's not possible!
- Yeah!
Ouch!
Great!
- Hey? The Fascists.
- What Fascists?
Over there.
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
How does it continue?
They're partisans.
We caught them red-handed.
No...
Excuse me, but if we were partisans,
would we have been pushing a cart?
What are you doing?
Are you talking to me informally?
Sir! You saw it too, Excellency.
Excuse me. You saw it, too.
Even those other guys.
They were pointing their rifles at us.
If we weren't pushing the cart,
they would have killed us.
What else could we do?
Everyone talks about the Fascists,
but even the partisans...
Exactly! What about the Foibe Massacres?
Shall we talk about it?
They acted disgracefully!
They really exaggerated!
Who the hell are you?
Commander!
Badoglio is about to read a proclamation!
Turn up the volume!
- Yes, sir!
- Turn it up.
Badoglio... Shut up, you animal.
With the aim of avoiding further
and more serious disasters for the nation,
General Eisenhower, the Commander-in-chief
of the Anglo-American allied forces...
They are going to kill us.
...has requested an armistice.
An armistice...
His request has been accepted.
Thus, any act of hostility
against the Anglo-American...
What does this mean?
That we're allies with the English now?
What should we do, Commander?
I don't know.
If the vile King
wouldn't have put the Duce in prison,
he would tell us what to do now.
Exactly.
In fact, this is our mission, Commander.
We wanted to go and negotiate
with the King to free the Duce!
Liar!
Excuse me.
- No one knows where the King is!
- We know, Commander.
The King is about to abandon the capital
and is going to the Castle of Crecchio,
where he will spend the night.
Then he will board a ship
from Or ton a to Brindisi.
Oh.
And how do you know all of these things?
- Uhm...
-Who are you?
- Uhm, who are we?
- Good question...
- Excellency, we're spies.
- Yeah?
Yes. Yes. Fascist spies.
- On a mission.
- On a mission. Yes.
- What shall we do, Commander?
- Yeah, what shall we do?
I don't know.
I don't trust these two guys.
- Why not, Commander?
- Because we're spies.
But our task is finished here!
Let's do this...
Tomorrow at dawn,
we will escort you to Crecchio.
Crecchio is in Abruzzo, dumb-ass.
If you have made false statements,
your lives won't be more worth
than two bullets!
Hey?
- Adele, where are you going?
- I'm going to get my daughter back!
Wait! Wait!
Wait for what?
If I knew you were Fascist spies,
I would have shot you!
We're not Fascist spies!
They just said that to save their lives!
Then how did you know about the King?
Why were you wearing Nazi uniforms?
- Why were you talking so strangely?
- I know.
"Bruce Lee", "Village People",
"misunderstanding"! Who are you?
- Adele! It's difficult to explain now!
- Then goodbye!
Don't you understand
it's a suicide mission?
- You can't make it without us!
- Why not? Because I'm a woman?
No, because you're alone.
Listen, let's save my friends
and then we'll all go and get Monica back.
- Alright? Trust me.
- But we'll do as I say.
- Yes.
- Alright?
Yes.
- Do you know how to drive a Jeep?
- Quite.
- Let's go.
- Yes. So... The Jeep.
We also have to go
and get our backpacks and the Mona Lisa.
- Uhm, it was like this...
- Go!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
When we are with you,
we shall give you
another law and another King.
Long live the Duce!
Long live the Duce!
Duce!Duce!Duce!Duce!
Dune'. Dune'. Dune'. Dune'.!
There they are.
What did I tell you? We found them.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming...
Come on. Let's go!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
When we are with you,
we shall give you
another law and another King.
- We're here, Commander!
- Good! Get off! After me!
Immediately, Commander!
Quickly, quickly!
Hey. Give me a hand, guys.
Commander...
Hello. I'm the King's attendant.
We were expecting you.
Oh. So you weren't lying.
Well done, comrade!
Hey!
Please, follow me.
- What the fuck are you wearing?
- Trendy clothes.
He looks like a fish.
This way, please.
Gentlemen,
His Majesty Victor Emmanuel Ill of Italy
and Queen Elena of Montenegro.
- Who the hell are they?
- Shh.
Bow. Come on.
Your Majesty.
- Who is that man? He's not the King.
- In fact, he's not.
Can I have a word with them?
Where the fuck did you find them?
The lady...
It's the only one I found. I promised her
we would get her some food.
Excuse my insolence, Your Majesty.
Chief Maniple Ferdinando Magistrelli
of the Voluntary Militia
for National Security.
The people need our Duce!
We must free him from prison,
and we need to do it now!
I'm sorry to contradict you, Commander.
But Benito Mussolini isn't in prison.
He's in a safe place, and he will soon
be at the head of the government again.
Does His Majesty confirm it?
His Majesty confirms it.
You have our word, so you may go.
' G°' 90!
' Go!
I'm sorry, Your Majesty.
But after what happened,
we don't trust you anymore.
We will only return to Rome with our Duce!
There's no time to lose!
His Majesty understands your needs,
but he would first like to invite you
and your valiant men
to eat something and take refreshment.
Excuse me, but why doesn't His Majesty
address me directly, if I may ask?
- Calm down.
- Why...
- Why?
- What kind of question is that, Marshal?
Why?
- Did he say "why"?
- He asked why.
Excuse me, but what's your military rank?
- Chief Maniple.
- Chief Maniple?
Big deal...
Well, the King only talks to Generals,
Commanders, Heads of State and Princes.
He surely won't talk to a Chief Maniple,
like you. Be respectful!
What the fuck!
Come on.
Alright.
We accept your invitation, Your Majesty.
We will take refreshment,
so that tomorrow at dawn we will all go
and free our Duce together!
-To us!
-To us!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see...
What we're doing has absolutely
no historical foundation.
Who gives a fuck?
Servant!
At your command!
Excuse me, Adele.
His Majesty and the Queen
will retreat to their chambers.
In the meantime, make sure these men
get some refreshments,
food and most of all drink.
- If you'll excuse me.
- Yes.
I'm hungry!
Shut up!
Comrades!
If you look at the sea from the hills,
young brunette, a slave among slaves!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming!
They've already eaten twenty salamis,
two hams
and eight wheels of sheep's cheese.
More importantly,
they drained a whole wine barrel.
Well done! What an amazing woman!
- I have really bad news for you.
- What is it?
- The portal in Caserta is closed.
- Damn it.
The portal?
Wait a sec,
the next one is in lsernia, in four days.
-So?
- So we have to run away, now.
Can I finish this piece of cheese first?
Don't worry. I'll handle it.
Lay down your arms immediately!
By order of King Victor Emmanuel!
There he is. He's going to kill us now.
Good day.
Who is he?
Why do you look like me?
- Huh?
-Why?
Shall we talk'? Say something!
I want to know why you're here!
No, Your Majesty!
You tell us why you're here!
Because you're supposed to be in Pescara,
arriving here this evening,
to board, then, a ship to Brindisi!
I know these things, Your Majesty,
because I wrote them in my essay!
Shut up.
How do you know all of this information?
Guards! Arrest these spies!
No! What spies!
No, Your Majesty! We're not spies!
- Calm down!
- Can we explain?
- The watch! The watch!
- Slowly!
The watch!
Nothing. Damn.
The portal in Caserta
closed several hours ago.
If they would have arrived,
they would have shown up, right?
I don't know what to think. Coffee?
I'll try again. Let's see.
- Oh, fuck.
- What?
- I have to show you something.
- Display it on the big monitor.
Look. Isn't that your watch?
- Where did you find this?
- On a conspiracy website. Look.
"How could Victor Emmanuel Ill
have a smart watch around his wrist?"
"Was he an alien?"
Right. How is that possible?
Do you realize that the photo
dates back to September 10, 1943?
- You mean the King stole Moreno's watch?
- Nice King, huh?
Anyway, without that watch
they risk staying in the past forever.
We have to go and get them.
But where? We don't know where they are.
- Where do you think we are?
- It looks like a hotel to me.
We're in the mountains.
Always better than in prison, as before.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to save my daughter.
Do you want to climb out?
We have to make a rope
with anything we find.
Sheets, blankets, towels, everything!
What rope?
It's dangerous! It's at least 50 feet!
I should have known
you were a bunch of cowards.
You even abandoned my husband in Russia.
Adele! Adele!
Great...
When we get to Naples,
we can finally taste this famous pizza.
What was that?
Open it.
Come out! Come out! Out!
Poor, mom.
I put her through so much trouble.
And now
I even handed her over to the Nazis.
No wonder
she was angry when she died.
I didn't get a single thing right
in my life.
What are you complaining about?
What should I say?
I wanted to stop being a temporary teacher
and instead I'm stuck in 1943.
Do you know how they paid teachers in '43?
- No.
- With vegetables.
Broccoli, chicory, bitter greens.
Maybe a caciocavallo cheese.
If you were lucky, even a chicken.
Please, stop talking about chicken.
I'm starving!
A juicy chicken would be great now,
wouldn't it?
- With baked potatoes. Yummy.
- Shh... Do you hear that voice?
- It's my stomach.
- No, no, no, that voice...
ls someone there?
Do you think someone's in there?
It comes from the closet.
A voice inside the closet?
He's hearing voices?
- On the other side.
- On the other side?
What are you saying?
There's a door.
There's a door.
- Shall I open it?
- Open it.
It's locked.
Moreno, come and do the only thing
you're good at. "Broke" it down.
"Break" it down. You dumb-ass.
There's no difference. Break it down.
I don't even know what's behind it.
Get out of the way. What's going on?
- Break it down.
- It's a door.
Get your asses out of the way.
It's a piece of cake.
There.
Modestly speaking...
- He's a magician.
- No, he's a villain.
Adele, there's a door inside the closet.
Someone's talking on the other side.
Listen.
- Who is it?
- No idea. It could be very dangerous.
- Yes, someone should go and check...
- I agree.
We can do a headcount.
- What are you talking about? No, no.
- No way.
Alright. You don't have the guts. I'll go.
No, Adele. No, please!
Not a woman. I'll go.
- Oh...
- Right.
- Go.
- You really mean it?
- No, we're just joking...
- Come on.
- Shall I go?
- You said it.
- I'll go.
- Hey, man.
Remember we loved you.
Right. Go. Don't worry. Slowly!
My methods...
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
We broke in and he asks for permission?
There's a room...
On my command...
Is anyone here?
...put an end...
...to the horrors...
Hello?
The horrors!
They will hunt down the small, evil men,
enslaved by the foreigner's interests,
by plutocracies.
They will put flowers
on the martyrs' tombs.
Without flattery and deceit,
they will then say,
"Benito Mussolini..."
"Was right".
- Hey! What is it?
- Close the door! Close it!
What happened?
No kidding! The Duce is in there!
- The Duce?
- Who? Mussolini?
Oh, I get it! We're at Campo lmperatore!
Where's that?
On the Gran Sasso! It's where the King
put the Duce in prison.
The "Gran Sasso Raid"
will take place tomorrow.
It's a secret mission: a squad of SS
paratroopers will free the Duce
and put him in charge
of the Republic of Salb!
How the hell do you know all these things?
Can you tell me who you are,
once and for all?
Come on, tell her.
-
- Me,'
Tell her.
Alright, Adele. We're on a secret mission
on behalf of the Allies.
That's right. We're spies.
With a license to kill.
I'm going to kill Mussolini! Let go of me!
Adele, shut up!
Adele, not now! Fuck!
He took everything away from me!
My husband, my future!
Calm down! Calm down.
Actually,
I would also like to kick his ass...
What are you talking about?
We can't change history!
There are space-time paradoxes!
We're talking about a man
who invented the racial laws!
Shouldn't we give him
a kick in the ass?
Kick in the ass? Giuseppe's right.
We have to let Mussolini escape
with the Nazis.
And what the fuck shall we do?
We have to convince him to let us escape
with him! It's our only chance!
Well, if it's our only chance...
Let's do this: Address him formally.
Make sure you call him "excellency".
Excuse me?
I was expecting you.
Are you coming to Canossa?
- Excuse me, Your Eminence?
- You've turned him into a Bishop.
Excuse us,
we didn't want to disturb you...
They wanted a war
when it promised an empire.
And now that glory
imposes its rightful blood tribute,
what do they do?
- What do they do?
- They stab me in the back.
What the fuck do you care, Benito?
- More formal.
- Formally speaking.
No, Duce. Italy loves you!
You probably don't realize it,
but have settled this country! Right?
- Trains arrive punctually, right?
- That was propaganda.
- But you introduced retirement benefits.
- That was thanks to Crispi's government.
- Public housing...
- The Liberals did that.
I only accomplished one thing.
I changed the name of "lNPS",
and added an "F" to make it
sound more melodious: "lNFPS".
That sounds great! Well done!
- INFPS...
- He's not such a dickhead, after all...
At least the draining
of the Pontine Marshes.
That one for sure!
- Oh!
' See?
But that was a previous project.
Oh, come on...
Trains, marshes, retirement benefits!
How could it have crossed my mind
to be able to turn into an empire
a country of cowards and turncoats?
Excellency,
the Germans are coming to free you!
We are willing to follow you
to the top of the world!
' Rm“?
- Y es'.!
When all is lost,
the only freedom left is martyrdom.
- Duce...
- Sure...
Martyrdom! I want to be alone. Go away.
- No.
- I want to be alone. Go away.
- Please.
- Go away!
- Alright, let's go. Piss off!
- Let's go, guys. Come on.
It's a shame...
Come on.
Duce...
What the fuck do you need to tell him now?
Benito? From man-to-man...
I've been watching this roast lamb
since half an hour.
We haven't eaten for three days.
Can we give it a whack?
Roast lamb be it.
- See?
- Roast lamb be it!
There is a fucking way!
Wait, wait.
Oh...
It's a bit burned.
The Duce did do a good deed.
This lamb is so damn good!
What the fuck are you doing?
You don't realize!
Duce! It's time to rise up! Come on!
For all of those who are sacrificing
their lives in Greece, Africa, Russia!
In Russia, you say!
Blessed is that frost and snow
that kills all of those pipsqueaks!
Well, we won't tell that to Adele...
Adele?
Did I hear a name...?
- No.
- Adele?
- Comrades, report!
- Yes.
Go.
Who is this Adele?
Bold.
Daring.
Are you ready?
The Duce is always ready.
Bravo!
Again! Again!
Beautiful! Again! Come on! Bravo!
Sieg heil!
We will win!
- Who is it?
- What is it?
It must be the Nazis!
They're here to arrest Mussolini!
Let's hide!
Under the bed! Hide!
Where the fuck...
-Shh.
-Shut up.
There's no one here!
Go! I'll take care of it.
- Adele?
- Come out!
Quickly!
Benito wants us by his side! Let's go!
Benito'?
What a woman!
The brilliant example of Italian genius!
It has rekindled my Fascist passion!
- An unforgettable night!
- Really?
He surely won't forget it.
I took such pictures of him.
Far from threshing wheat...
- So you two didn't...
- Are you crazy? With that guy?
Give me the jet plane!
- What shall we do?
- What shall we do? We'll steal the van.
That way.
Don't shoot! Stop!
You! Where are you headed?
Sorry, Eminence! We're gone with the wind!
Go, Giuseppe!
- Hey, Benito! Fuck off!
- Fuck off!
Guys, there's a walkie-talkie,
three guns and a rifle here.
Did you bring the Mona Lisa with you?
Of course.
I'm certainly not leaving it behind.
It's my golden retirement benefit.
Look how beautiful it is.
Actually... there could be something
more important than money.
- Really? Like what?
- Like glory.
Think about it, guys: we could give Italy
a piece of its history back.
You think
I went through all of this mess for glory?
What do you mean?
Giuseppe may have a point.
We also deserve a bit of glory.
Think of the journalists
waiting in front of our houses.
"Hey, Moreno!" Understand?
Interviews, TV, hon our. Not bad.
The least we can get is an award
as "Knights of the Italian Republic".
That would be the best we could get:
the President of Italy shaking your hand.
My father would die if he saw that.
The very thought of it is exciting.
I'm getting goose bumps.
Let me be clear about this.
The Mona Lisa here will end up hanging
above some dickhead's fireplace
and we'll fill our pockets with money.
Full stop.
I can't disagree, you're right,
but if we don't manage to get home,
what the fuck are you going to hang
above your fireplace?
Actually, I have an idea.
We'll inform Gianfranco
about the new plan.
- Sure. How?
- How?
- Adele! Adele!
- Shh! Don't wake her up.
Can you take a picture of us?
I typed, "Photos September 1943"
on the search engine
and the catalogue
of this photographer back then appeared,
a certain Adele Moretti.
Boom.
That's a message for us!
- I'll zoom in on the picture.
- Yes.
"We're screwed".
"We missed Caserta".
"See you in lsernia on September 13th".
Why in lsernia?
Maybe history is telling us
that we underestimated the Molise region.
- Alright, let's go.
- Yes.
- What the hell are they saying?
- Quiet. Otherwise I can't understand.
The first one. Thank you so much.
The ship arrived a few hours ago.
We have to get to the German headquarters.
He told me how to get there.
Hey! Move it! Let's bounce!
Sure, let's bounce.
Let's bounce.
Shh...
Go.
Down! Down!
Go, go.
Those are the crates
that were on the ship.
Let's look for the van. Yes. Duck down.
Go.
- That's it! It's that one!
- Shh! Stop shouting.
Why the fuck are you shouting?
- That's it.
- I already said that.
Shut up. Clear.
- This way.
- Duck down.
Quickly! Come! Moreno, Come on!
- Ready?
- One, two, three!
- She's not here.
- It's empty.
- They probably brought her inside.
- Guys, we have to go in there.
Let's at least try not to get shot.
Shh! Quiet.
Listen! It's her!
- My love.
- Shh...
Don't worry.
- This way.
- Adele, come.
Duck down.
Duck down.
There's a door over there.
I think it's the only way to get in.
- I'll go.
- Where are you going, Adele?
Where?
If they see you they'll shoot you.
You're a dumbbell.
You've always been stubborn.
- What do you know about me?
- I know, I know.
Quiet! Enough!
We have to decide what to do.
What do you want to do?
The only thing we can do
is make a swap with the girl.
Hey, Moreno,
we know you're a dickhead, alright?
And I don't even like you.
But I won't allow you
to sacrifice yourself.
What the fuck?
I'm surely not sacrificing myself!
- Who then? Me? I'm not fucking going!
- Not you!
- Alright, I'll go.
- Where do you think you're going?
Am I surrounded by idiots?
Don't you understand
that we're worthless for the Nazis?
Only one person
could convince them to make this swap.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, be quiet, will you?
You want to send Adele in there?
I don't want to send Adele in there!
We'll give this to them.
Stop joking.
We risked our lives hundreds of times
to get this fucking painting!
And now you want to give it to the Nazis?
No, Claudio.
We're not giving it to the Nazis.
We're going to save a life with it.
Go.
Don't worry, Adele.
Whatever happens, I will defend you.
Thanks, but I know how to defend myself.
Today I love passionately,
this stream impertinent, minstrel of love.
Blooming of these plants
keeps this heart in celebration,
do you know why?
This is how I want to live.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily,
I sing for me.
Poor girl.
Among all of these lousy people.
Poor darling.
This is how I want to live.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily, I sing for me.
Bravo!
Bravo!
She's good!
Stop! Who are you?
Hello. Do you speak Italian?
Can we talk to your boss?
Hey, you're hurting me!
Oh come on! Mind your manners!
So you Italians have the Mona Lisa...
and want the girl in exchange?
Yes, sir!
We stole it from those French cowards,
in order to hand it over to the people
who have always loved art and beauty.
To Mein Ffihrer! Heil!
Heil Hitler!
What the fuck!
You scared the hell out of me!
- May I see the painting?
- Of course you may.
But we'd like to see the girl first.
The Fijhrer wants to talk to you,
Commander.
Go!
- The Fijhrer is on the phone.
- Who?.
The Fiihrer.
IIJall-
The Fijhrer wants to know
where the Mona Lisa was hung.
He wants to know where it was hung?
Well...
Where was it?
We stole the Mona Lisa
from the Castle of Chambord.
But it wasn't hanging on the wall.
It was in a chest. In the Rimbaud room.
Tell him.
The painting was in a chest,
in the Castle of Chambord...
In the...
- What room was it?
- Rimbaud.
Dumbass. Animal.
Calm down.
- Ignorant.
- Calm down.
Rimbaud. Jawohl, Mein Fijhrer!
The Fijhrer wants to talk to you.
To us?
Well, what shall we do?
Do you want to talk to Hitler?
What the fuck shall I tell that Nazi?
We're not acquainted.
You're afraid?
Me, afraid? Hey, listen, thingy...
- Hey! He's not afraid...
- Afraid of this guy? Talk to him.
You talk to him. You speak his language.
Alright, I'll talk to him. Give it to me.
Damn heavy.
He's fluent.
Hey, Fiihrer!
IIJall?
IIJa"!
"Danke, Fiihrer".
Thank you so much. Bye.
Here. Take this baby Jesus.
- What did he say?
- He said he accepts the swap.
He only said that?
No. He also said he can't wait to hang
the Mona Lisa above his fireplace.
Oh well...
Give us the Mona Lisa! Now!
First the girl.
Show us the painting.
Here it is.
Stop!
You really thought
you could dictate terms to the Fuhrer?
Fire!
My accordion!
Kill them! Kill them!
Get the woman!
The Mona Lisa!
Where are the reinforcements!?
Let go! Fuck! Come on!
Hey, come on!
No!
Run, Adele!
'Yes!
- Damn you.
Take this power gun!
You really fell for it!
You really fell for it!
Go ahead, get another hole!
At least one. That's it, great.
Anyway, we made it.
The family is reunited.
And we even got the Mona Lisa back.
Blast you. You scared the hell out of me.
- Hey?
- What?
Thanks.
Hey! Look ahead!
But you're still an animal.
How do you feel?
Fine.
I told you
you would have embraced her again.
And soon you will also embrace
your husband, too.
Listen, I figured it out.
What?
That Vincenzo's dead.
I haven't heard from him for a year.
Many men came back to the village,
but he didn't.
A wife feels certain things.
Adele, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I want to do something for you.
For both of you.
Shall we be honest?
Let's be honest.
- Giuseppe...
- Adele...
You're not handsome.
- You're clumsy, awkward.
- Yes.
- You're also a bit short.
- Alright. I got the message.
But you're also
the bravest person I ever met.
Adele...
Mommy! I have to pee.
Hey, we'll do it soon, my love.
We'll do it soon.
Come on!
Shh!
A group of cowards
ambushed the headquarters. A vile attack!
Six valiant soldiers were slaughtered.
If the culprits
don't turn themselves in immediately,
ten Italians will be killed
for every German soldier at dawn.
The mopping-up operations
have already begun.
Damn them!
It's a reprisal.
Ten Italians for every German.
They want to make a mass killing,
like the Ardeatine Massacre.
Guys, we have to return to Naples
and try to save those people.
Hey, the portal in lsernia
closes tomorrow.
If we miss it, we will stay here forever.
The portal in lsernia?
I agree with Giuseppe.
Do we want to have
60 innocent people on our conscience?
No. No.
We haven't achieved much in life. Right?
That's why we started
roaming around the ages. Right, Giuseppe?
And we finally have the chance to do
something important.
Something my mother
would have been proud of.
Something which is worth living for.
- Or dying for...
- Or dying for, of course.
What are you talking about?
Adele, we...
We still have a mission to accomplish.
Alright.
Let's make sure the girls are safe.
Then you can get in the van
and drive to the portal. It's still open.
Hey? What portal?
I can't leave you here by yourselves.
We're a gang, right?
Guys... Listen, I'm fed up
of studying history books.
I think it's time to make history now.
What can I say?
Come on.
Come on.
Until the end.
Let's do it for freedom.
For Italy.
- And for Maradona!
- You don't say?
Who's Maradona?
- We have to take that lid off!
- Yes!
Damn heavy.
There. It's almost time.
Four, three, two, one...
What the hell?
Hey?
See? You shouldn't take drugs,
otherwise...
Stay focused!
They didn't manage this time either.
We have to go and get them.
- We can't! We don't know where they are!
- We have to do it!
Let me check.
Nothing.
The portals in 1943 are all closed by now!
They're trapped in the past.
- They're trapped in the past.
- Fuck!
Look. Those women will take care of you.
They saved many people's lives
during the war
by hiding them in their homes
or in the undergrounds of Naples.
You'll be safe with them.
Thank you.
- Bye, Adele.
- Bye.
Don't worry. I have the feeling
we'll see each other soon.
Bye, Moreno. You're a good man, you know?
You've never said that to me before.
Giuseppe...
I will never forget you.
Farewell, Adele.
Listen, Adele, do this.
As soon as the war finishes,
take this painting to a museum
and tell them you stole it from the Nazis.
Maybe we can avoid it ending up
above some dictator's fireplace. Alright?
Hey... We have to take a nice picture now.
Adele, it has to be perfect!
I want to see it on every history book!
Go!
- Let me put this down.
- Yes.
Come, let's get ready. Go down.
Oh, the automatic release already existed?
- Ready?
Careful.
There you go.
Please. Come in.
So you wanted to get engaged
to my grandmother...?
What are you talking about?
- You would have become my grandfather.
- Can you stop acting like an idiot?
Are you sure those people
are going to take care of them?
I guess so.
They're my great grandmothers.
Come on!
No! Leave him!
For God's sake!
Take them to the back!
Take the children, too!
Don't be afraid!
Take the children, too!
Quick! Don't be afraid!
Everyone out! Quick!
Take them to the back!
Damn Italians!
Take them to the back!
Do not be afraid!
What do you want?
What do you want?
He asked, "What do you want?"
If you free these people
we'll tell you...
who killed the German soldiers.
Why should I trust you?
Because we did it.
Come here immediately!
I found them!
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!
Excellent job, Dieter.
I know it meant a lot to you, Klaus.
The Fiihrer
congratulates you all personally!
- Heil!
- Heil!
Instead, he sends a very brief message
to you Italians.
He writes: "Farewell."
We also have a brief message.
When you see Adolf, tell him.
"Say hi to ya' sis'."
Hey!
How the fuck did he understand?
His grandmother is probably from Naples.
- Where's my Mona Lisa?
- We ate it.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it,
Beckenbauen
If you have the guts... say that again.
If you have the guts say that again!
Take them to the beach
and prepare the execution!
Quick! Move!
Cowards!
Take them over there. Come on, come on!
No, I don't want that.
I want to look at these pieces of shit
in the face.
You always have to act like a boor,
don't you?
Always.
Anyway, you're going to lose this war.
And you're also going to lose
the FIFA World Cup Final in '82.
Remember this name: Paolo Rossi.
Firing squad! Ready!
Aim!
Gentlemen, fooling around with you
has been a pleasure.
An hon our.
I confirm that.
Fire!
Take cover!
Hey.
Gianfranco!
It's Gianfranco!
Gianfranco! Careful!
- Even Loretta's here!
- Down!
Loretta!
Let's whack them!
Great, Gianfranco!
I'll go and give them some guns.
- They'll kill you!
- Cover me!
Wait.
' Go!
' Going!
Loretta! Down!
- A little present for you.
- Come on!
Great, Loretta!
Oh, now we're talkin'!
- We have to fight now!
- Exactly!
Heil Hitler!
Hey! His machine gun's jammed!
Careful, Gianfranco!
Sieg Heil!
Watch out, Guys! That's a big one!
He didn't see us, did he?
We surrender! We surrender!
It's payback time.
Kill them!
Shh!
Friends! I forgot to tell you that Loretta
and I didn't come by ourselves!
Who are they?
Come on, guys! Let's start this concert!
Hey, that's Renatino!
Come on, guys!
Come on!
Come on!
Now comes the fun part!
Come on!
Come on!
Hey, guys! We got the gang back together!
You boors!
He even killed the little worker!
Guys!
Do you realize that we're anticipating
the Four Days of Naples by 15 days?
This is such a great event!
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Honey, you brought another gun with you.
- You could have told me before!
Damn Italians!
No!
Are you afraid now? Asshole!
I'm not!
You are scared shit less.
Let me go!
Otherwise I'll kill him!
Now!
Guys, it's unbelievable.
The Nazi army has been wiped out
by the "Banda delta Magliana".
Thank goodness you got here on time.
If it were up to her,
we would even have been late.
Always fussing around...
She had to go to the hairdresser's...
I wanted to look nice,
'cause I'll never have the chance
to go back to '43 again, right?
Anyway, how did you do it?
- Right. How did we do it?
- It was a mess.
In 2022, there were no more open portals
to take us back here.
We had to pass through 1982.
No less...
We went through
a hell of a space-time travel!
Did she fight with the hairdresser?
Listen, I lied.
I made myself pretty because I knew
I was going to meet you.
Do you understand who I am?
- Mom...
-Well, Mom...
You're still in here. But yes, it's Mom.
You were so damn beautiful.
I don't want to interrupt your romance...
But the portal is about to close,
and we have to return home.
Okay.
We gotta go.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, guys?
- I'm not coming.
- What do you mean you're not coming?
I want to say goodbye to someone
before going home.
This dick fell in love with my grandma!
Come on.
- Giuseppe, please.
- No, I'm not changing my mind.
- I need to tell her something.
- You didn't get it.
I'm asking you, please, if you can,
get the Mona Lisa back, alright?
Bye, mate.
Hey, Giuseppe... Listen.
Take this with you.
Thanks, Renatino.
Alright... Take this watch with you.
Otherwise how will you come back?
Hey, don't screw things up, okay?
You know, I thought you were a dickhead,
and instead...
Instead?
And instead I was right.
ONCE UPON A CRIME
What time is it?
Cool!
That's it.
- Well, where's the portal?
- Here it is.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
The space-time clock I created
doesn't miss a beat.
I can see where the incoming
and outgoing portals are.
Guys...
Are you sure you can manage by yourselves?
Renatino, they already busted Ranieri
and Sebastiano for the Van Gogh theft.
So if you don't get lost,
they'll bust you, too.
Right. All you can do is go back to '82.
I don't mind going back to my day.
I'm telling you,
I don't like these modern times.
Too vulgar.
Listen...
Can I hug you?
As long as you don't hug me too tightly.
Guys...
At this point...
Not too tightly.
All this mawkishness...
Renatino, take care, okay?
Are you finished?
Hey... You're the only gang I've ever had.
And you'll always be our boss.
Are you sure you have everything you need?
Giuseppe, I'll be able to live three lives
in '82 with these diamonds.
If you need me, you know where to find me.
Before leaving
I want to tell you one last thing.
To all of you.
Go, Roma!
Always!
He disappeared.
He's gone.
What are we going to do now
that we have one man less?
We need to recruit another person
in our gang.
I think I know someone
who would be perfect.
Guys! You can't just smooch around
while I'm teaching.
Are you at the park? Settle down! Come on!
Esposito, I'll give you the chance
to make up for the "F"
I gave you yesterday.
So... It's the Second World War:
tell me the name of the King of Italy.
- I don't mention any names.
- What a dumb-ass, Esposito.
Gargiulo, can you answer for us?
- Victor Emmanuel.
- Well done.
See? Victor Emmanuel I, ll or Ill?
The last.
You keep on acting silly,
don't you, Esposito?
Your "F" is confirmed.
Who cares? Anyway, you're just
the substitute, not our teacher.
Oh, yeah?
Then I'll even give you a black mark.
You're an asshole.
What did you say?
Asshole... and a cheapskate.
Esposito... always acts funny, right?
He makes us laugh, he's brilliant.
He is the bomb!
Fuck off.
So, who's next?
Claudio!
- Hey!
- Loretta, what are you doing here?
Darling, how are you? Everything alright?
Hey, guys, he's my cousin,
Claudio Ranieri.
- Hi.
- The soccer coach, sure.
Winner in 2016 with Leicester City F.C.
in the Premier League.
- I didn't know that. Congratulations!
- Congratulations for what? You idiot!
You really think he's Claudio Ranieri?
He's young! We're just joking!
How should I know?
Listen, how's uncle Massimo?
"Massimo Ranieri", the singer? Sure!
Let's say
that he's on a long holiday right now...
Six years and three months to be precise.
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, Claudio has a degree in History.
No, no. "Historical Sciences",
if you don't mind. There's a difference.
I also wrote an essay
on the Second World War. High quality.
- And hardly no commercial success.
- Well...
Yes, but it's about the Second World War.
Exactly. And in this regard,
you know that we time travel, right?
We want to offer you a job.
- Really?
- Yes. Can you get a couple of days off?
They just gave me
an indefinite leave, so...
Perfect! It's a bit difficult to explain.
It could seem incredible.
I'll do anything
not to go back to those dumb asses.
I'd even travel to the moon.
As long as you pay me.
- We have the money.
- Yes. Tons of it.
- Then I'm in. What do we have to do?
- Well... Steal the Mona Lisa...
A piece of cake, in other words...
After stealing it, the problem will be
Europe under Nazi occupation.
It will be devastated
by the Allied bombings.
We'll be in the middle of a chaos.
Going back to the future
will be complicated.
We'll be in France
on the dawn of September 7th, 1943,
that is,
the day before the famous armistice.
- Sure. Which armistice was it?
- What do you mean "which armistice"?
It's on the tip of my tongue,
but I don't remember.
The agreement between Italy and the Allies
to suspend hostility.
- The armistice...
- Hey... I couldn't remember...
Cousin, we're lacking the basics.
This is elementary school stuff.
Jeez...
- This guy's already a pain in the ass...
- Moreno...
Anyway,
you'll pretend you're Nazi soldiers.
I got you some passes.
Moreno, Giuseppe and Claudio.
They're signed by the SS.
Who's this guy? Me? Huh?
- Yes. Greatly photoshopped.
- Photoshopped...
Not really. We look macrocephalic.
Hey, I got them for 30 bucks
at the flea market.
Alright.
Most of all, you won't have any problem
to reach the Castle of Chambord,
where the French hid a lot of works of art
to avoid them ending up in Hitler's hands.
Anyway,
we're only interested in one: that one.
Hey, it's not the original.
Come on, guys.
Where shall we go dressed like that?
- And what shall we say? "We're the SS"?
- Excuse me, what is this? Huh?
- The flea market.
- Yes.
- Guys, I'm ready. Let's go.
- No, no. No way.
No, for this mission
you'll be perfect without a wig.
Come on, Giuseppe.
You look like "Marcella Bella". Come on.
It's a shame. I'm fond of it.
But we're in 1943.
Okay, guys, let's recap.
Once you've stolen the painting,
this watch will lead you
towards the first available
space-time portal,
which will bring you back.
Understood? Here.
- I'll keep it.
- Put it around your wrist.
- And never take it off.
- No kiddin'.
Don't worry, because Loretta and I
will monitor everything from here.
Any questions?
Yes. Let's go get the Mona Lisa!
- Let's go for it!
- Let's get it! Yeah.
Come on.
Damn...
COME ON, GUYS! LET'S GO!
EYES OPEN. LET'S GO!
THERE'S THE CASTLE!
IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO GET IN...
CHATEAU DE CHAMBORD. THE
FRENCH TROOPS GUARD THE CASTLE.
SHH! QUIETLY!
THERE ARE GUARDS AT THE ENTRANCE.
I'll TAKE CARE OF THAT...
TIME FOR A NAP...
YOU TOO!
FOLLOW ME.
THE MONA LISA IS IN ONE OF THESE
CASES.
FOUND IT!
THEY'RE COMING. RUN!
DAMN! HOW MANY ARE THERE?
HA-HA-HA. WE'RE OUT!
IT'S DONE!
ONCE UPON A CRIME
We stole the Mona Lisa.
Now we have to go home.
Gentlemen... here it is.
The original Mona Lisa of 1503.
Maybe 1504, painted on poplar wood.
It's completely different
without the glass in front of it.
- How much money will this lady make us?
- You don't understand.
Some people are willing to pay any price
for "this lady", as you call her,
and hang it on top of their fireplace.
Anyway. What about the portal?
The space-time gate to get back
to the future will open in Camogli.
Camogli? Like the sandwiches
at the Highway restaurant?
Where the fuck is Camogli?
Holy shit.
Ignorance is something I never tolerated.
- You're telling me...
- Not at this level.
- Where is it?
- In Liguria.
How do you know?
- I just know it.
- Yeah, sure.
And my grandmother's from there.
That's why you know,
because of your grandmother, otherwise...
Come on. Let's hurry up.
It's here.
This is the inn where Jean Paul Sartre
and Simbn de Beauvoir
spent their weekends before the war.
Yeah, sure.
Let's do this: we'll spend the night here,
and tomorrow morning at dawn
we'll enter into Italy, alright?
Yes, but how will we pay?
- Did the Nazis ever pay anything?
- Right.
When the French see us,
they'll shit on us. Put it there.
- Leave everything here.
- Here.
Good thing
they were all supposed to be French...
Let's go.
Please.
Let's sit.
Heil Hitler!
What the fuck are you doing?
Sit down.
- You know this song'?
- Yes.
Yeah, sure.
Up, UP!
- Sing, comrades!
- "Jail-
Put your arm down.
Guys, let's get out of here.
If they find out who we are,
they'll shoot us.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Soldiers!
You drank enough for today.
In your cots.
The ship for Naples leaves at dawn!
Jaw oh“.!
Jaw oh“.!
What unit do you belong to?
What unit do you belong to?
Second legion, Colonel.
We were on the French front.
You speak German?
I took part in the Erasmus program
in Munich.
When were you going to say it?
I'm proud of what you're doing in France.
He's proud of what we're doing in France.
Thank you, Commander.
Italian? Spies! Spies!
Spies! Damn! Run!
Leave me!
Go, go!
Follow them!
- We have to hide!
- Where?
I want to remind you
that we're on the border
of occupied France, it's full of Nazis!
I know where! Follow me!
This is my grandmother's house.
She's an anti-Fascist.
That is, a convinced Communist.
She'll help us. Don't worry.
If your grandfather sees us,
he won't shoot us, right?
He won't be able: he died in Russia.
What are you talking about?
Alright.
Actually, don't say anything,
because she doesn't know yet.
Especially you,
since you already made to many gaffes.
- Can you help me take this off?
- Anything else?
Oh, great. You have a waistcoat now.
Come on, guys.
I told you not to buy things at...
Who are you?
What do you want?
- Who is she?
- Grandma!
I'll count to three: one...
We're not...!
Two...
We're Vincenzo's friends.
My grandpa...
- Husband.
- Husband.
Your husband.
We served together
in the Italian expedition in Russia.
What are you doing here?
Are you deserters?
- No...
- No.
- Yes.
- Oh, yes, yes!
Of course!
We're hiding from the Germans.
We need a place to stay for the night.
Please, help us. Please.
Help us.
I'll shut the door, madame.
Oh, a fireplace. It's so cold.
You really saved our lives.
Thank you so much for your hospitality.
How is Vincenzo?
Uh, how... how is Vincenzo?
How is he? Fine. How's Vincenzo?
How is Vincenzo?
Uh, Vincenzo is...
I mean, he's a big man.
He's six feet tall. He's rock solid!
He's always...
How can Vincenzo possibly be?
He's a tough old bird!
Why isn't he with you?
Why?
- He knows why.
- What are you saying?
- You know about Vincenzo?
- He wanted to continue fighting.
Exactly. You know what kind of guy he is.
You know.
Do you have any news from the front?
He knows everything.
Let's give her some fresh news
from the front. Come on.
Yes, uh...
The Red Army crossed the Don
and overwhelmed the front
with a pincer movement.
So the Italians were forced
to retreat in the icy steppe,
and since they were wearing
cardboard shoes,
they lost their toes, limbs...
Hey! Are you joking? What do you mean
"entire limbs"? That's not possible.
He's always joking around...
In his book
"Centomila gavette di ghiaccio",
Giulio Bedeschi talked
about a tragedy of Homeric proportions.
- But "Badeschi" really busted our balls!
- Bedeschi. You ignorant beast! Dumbass!
Madame, don't worry, really.
Your husband is in good health.
- Come.
- Yes.
- I'll show you your room.
- Yes.
- I'll bring you some blankets.
- Yes.
Thanks.
Thanks you.
Look.
Wow...
Did she make them?
Indeed. My grandmother
was a great photographer.
Books, exhibitions...
- Congratulations. They're beautiful.
- Thanks.
Many girls want photos
so they can send them
to their boyfriends at the front.
This is...
It's mom.
Wow, what a beautiful girl!
Is she your daughter?
- Mommy, who are these gentlemen?
- Daddy's friends.
Daddy's friends?
Where is he? Is he coming back?
Daddy?
Yes.
Yes. He's... he's coming back.
Promise?
Can I take a look?
What a beautiful accordion.
Is it yours?
Yes. Do you want to hear me play it?
My heart goes from evening to flower,
with sweetness and love.
Go for me.
Very good.
Go because my happiness
only lives with reality, next to you.
This is how I want to live.
She always sang this song to me
when I was a boy.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily, blissfully.
I want to live and enjoy
the air in the mountains.
Because this beauty doesn't cost anything.
Well done!
Bravo.
Bravo.
Very good!
You get better and better, darling.
She's very talented.
- She died of a heart attack.
- I'm sorry.
It was probably my fault.
She had high expectations.
She wanted me
to become a magistrate, a doctor...
And I didn't even finish eighth grade.
- That's not difficult to understand...
- Really?
Yes.
Time to go to bed. Everyone.
- Yes.
- Good night.
Good night.
Night.
Huh?
- Mommy...
- Shh.
You two, upstairs! You come with me!
Shit! They've been here!
Mommy, he“?!
The accordion.
We don't have time to look for them!
The ship is about to leave! Let's go!
Go away! Hide!
What was that?
Where are they? Where are they?
Bastards!
Enough! Come here! Quickly!
Where's the girl?
Monica! Monica!
Oh my God!
Damn them!
- They cut the tires!
- And now what?
Go, go.
Go.
Monica!
No! Monica!
No! No! Fuck, it's gone!
Oh my God!
Fuck!
She's on the ship!
- Where is it headed to?
- It's the ship to Naples.
- We have to go there! Now!
- Don't worry.
- We'll find a solution somehow.
- What shall we do?
Calm down, please.
We even lost the portal to Camogli...
What the fuck
do I care about the portal to Camogli?
There's another one available in Caserta
until September 10th.
I have to save my mother.
No, you don't get it.
I'm only here for the painting
and the money.
- Everything else is your problem.
- Then let's do this.
If you don't come with us,
you can forget the Mona Lisa!
First we rescue my mother
and then we'll go back to the future.
You don't understand.
Travelling through Italy
in such a historical context is madness!
Understand?
There are Nazis, Fascists, partisans!
And the "Sun Motorway"
still doesn't exist!
Do you know what day it is today?
Of course! It's September 8th!
The day of uhm... The Solstice day!
Armistice! You dumb-ass!
Ignorant! Don't you dare!
Adele! We'll take you to Naples!
No, you've already caused too much damage!
It's your fault!
You caused this situation!
Adele, we know,
and that's why we want to help you!
If we want to save Monica,
we need to stick together.
All for one, one for all!
Like a real gang!
We have to inform Gianfranco and Loretta.
And how should we do that?
Mr. Gianfranco Righetti?
Yes, it's me!
- Who is it?
- There's a registered letter for you.
- Fuck off.
- Fuck off.
- Hello! Good morning.
- Good morning. This is for you.
- Thank you.
- Please, sign here.
Sure.
You need to pick up a packet
from "The GGang". With two "G's".
We've had it for almost 80 years.
It was sent on September 8th, 1943,
and is supposed to be delivered today.
We even bet if this "Gianfranco"
is still alive or not...
- And what does it say?
- How should I know?
- Where is this packet?
- Excuse me, what planet do you come from?
You go to the post office,
give them the receipt
and they'll give you the packet.
It's quite elementary.
- Shall I explain it again?
- No, thanks. Not necessary.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
All the best.
How obnoxious.
Look at that. It's illegible.
Excuse me. That's because the office
was flooded in '79.
The packages were all floating in the mud.
My uncle retrieved them.
He used to work here.
Can you decipher something?
I can't read anything here.
Give it to me.
Well, it seems it says "dead".
Dead.
And then something like "-erta"...
- Roberta's dead!
- Really?
- Condolences.
- Condolences.
- Who's Roberta'?
- How should I know?
Not "Roberta"! It says, "Caserta"!
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Read carefully, Dakota.
- Dakota? Are you called "Dakota"?
- Dakota Maria Campanacci.
Dakota Maria Campanacci? Why?
Understand?
You're right. It says, "Caserta".
"Take them to Caserta".
Oh,
it's probably buffalo milk mozzarella,
which needs to be taken to Caserta,
yummy!
But I'm sorry, it has probably expired,
because the stamp is dated
"September 8th, 1943".
Where? At the Royal Palace of Caserta?
"Take them...?" It doesn't say "Take
them". It says, "The portal in Caserta"!
Oh, right!
- What the fuck does that mean?
- I know what it means. Come.
Do you understand?
They missed the portal in Camogli,
they're telling us
they're going to the portal in Caserta.
-So?
- So they're really messed up!
- Let's go.
- Yes.
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!
Claudio?
Where are all those Germans going?
To Naples.
To reinforce the Gothic line,
in order to face the Allies,
who just landed in Sicily.
I ask myself: "If the King
put Mussolini in prison"
"how come the Fascists
are still with the Nazis?"
Right!
It's a keen observation,
thank you for the question.
Well, in fact,
some deserters joined the partisans.
The ones who stayed true to Badoglio
are still allied to the Nazis.
The historians' general opinion is...
- What the fuck? Make it brief!
- You're a real boor! I'm just explaining.
- You're a pain in the ass!
- And you're an asshole!
- Enough! Stop it!
- It's his fault! Get off, will you?
Come here!
Why don't we put on our Nazi uniforms
and cross that damn bridge?
You have Nazi uniforms?
Yes, we stole them from the Nazis
so we could run away.
- Is that why they were pursuing you?
- Quite.
With the sleeves
torn off of his uniform,
Giuseppe
looks like one of the Village People.
- The Village what?
- I'll explain it to you later.
We'll tell you later.
Hey, I have an idea!
Adele and I can pretend
we're your prisoners,
and you can wear your Nazi uniforms
and pretend you're escorting us to Rome!
Do you think that will work?
I don't know. If we don't have
any alternatives, we can try.
- But we need to be prepared this time.
- We'll be prepared.
What the fuck? You're killing me!
This thing is already heavy enough!
Enough! Stop it!
Come on!
Enough!
- Did he talk to you about me?
- Who?
Vincenzo.
Oh! Vincenzo, sorry.
Yes, sure. He talked my head off.
What did he tell you?
What did he tell me?
That you're a very clever woman.
Not really.
I was responsible for Monica,
and instead...
That's not your fault, Adele.
What could you have done?
Anyway, we're going to get her back.
And when all of this is over,
you'll embrace each other again.
All three of you.
Who are you?
Are you Fascists or anti-Fascists?
What... what are we?
- Anti-Fascists.
- A...anti-Fascists!
- We want freedom.
- We want freedom. Really badly.
Are you alone?
- No.
- Yes. No.
No. Pardon me. We're with two friends.
Even they
are extremely anti-Fascists, really...
Fine.
Deutschland fiber alles in der Welt...
- I can explain.
- Shh. Quiet.
- Move.
- Let's move.
You two, go.
Please...
Uber alles...
Rudi Voeller... La la la...
- Hey!
- Huh?
- Who's "Rudi Voeller"?
- Are you kiddin' me?
"Rudi Voeller", football player
of "AS Roma" with 68 goals! Got it?
"Rudolf," known as "Rudi" Voeller.
"Fly, German, fly; the curve stand praises
you sky-high!" Doesn't that ring a bell?
You think the Germans
would put a football player's name
in their national anthem?
You're a troglodyte!
They should! You ignorant!
Deutschland, Deutschland, Rudi Voeller...
Uber alles...
- Hey!
- Oh my god!
The partisans! Hey, it's not as you think!
One morning, I woke up.
Goodbye, my beautiful.
Goodbye, my beautiful.
Goodbye, my beautiful!
Shit...
Yeah...
Come on.
They even have horses.
Hi, Anita.
Big catch today, comrades.
Sure thing...
Put your backpacks down!
Come on, let's go.
So aggressive...
- Why are you wearing those uniforms?
- They stole them from the Nazis.
Yes, they're fake.
- What about this backpack?
- It's mine. It's mine. Leave it.
- Who's this ugly hag?
- It's probably his aunt.
- That's... the Mona Lisa?
- You don't say...
- What is it?
- It's the Mona Lisa!
- Oh, it's the Mona Lisa.
- The what?
It's a masterpiece.
It's a copy of the masterpiece.
It would be too good to be true.
It's worth nothing.
I enjoy making copies, imitations.
You know, he's from Naples...
Well, if it's worth nothing,
we'll use it as firewood.
NO! No!
It's a memory of his aunt.
They're very fond of each other.
Oh, see? Then your aunt does have to do
with this. You're a liar and an idiot!
- I could slap him across the face...
- Calm down!
- I'm gonna beat your brains out!
- Hey! Oh!
You'd better keep still. Idiot.
I'll keep still
just because you're holding a rifle.
Lump it.
What are these?
Passes.
Signed by the SS. You're Nazi spies!
What...?
What are you talking about?
There must be a misunderstanding!
They even speak German!
Let's keep these fools in rifle range!
- It's English. Not German.
- What does that mean? They are...
Calm down, comrades.
- Who are they?
- Nazi spies.
We found them next to the bridge.
You must be their boss.
We can explain this unfortunate incident.
- No. I'll talk. It's better.
- If he talks, they'll surely execute us.
First of all I want to clarify
that we are very Italian.
Pleased to meet you. Claudio.
- Giuseppe.
- Sandro.
Moreno.
And we're anti-Fascists!
Much more than that!
We've been anti-Fascists for generations!
My grandfather even called his son,
"Antonio".
- Like "Antonio Gramsci". Just to say.
- Gramsci? I met him in prison, at Turi.
No, wait a second. Turi, Gramsci,
Sandro...? I can't believe it!
What?
- Do you realize who this man here is?
- No.
Sandro!
- You mean "that" Sandro?
- Yes.
Sandro who?
What do you mean who? Sandro Pertini!
The President of the Italians!
Look, I am so thrilled!
It's an hon our! Pleased to meet you!
Excuse me.
How do you know my last name?
- Then you really are spies.
- No, let us explain...
- No! May I explain?
- Explain.
I'm here, dressed like a clown,
to save my mother.
- Your mother?
- My mother.
No, I mean, my mother is young,
very young, but grandma here...
- What?
- Grandma... You're getting me mixed up!
They're a bit confused.
Fuck off!
No, sir! Sir!
Let's have some lunch.
It's more constructive.
What about them?
What shall we do with them?
They seem like four idiots.
We'll leave them here.
At least until we're finished.
Take their uniforms. They could be useful.
He's falling asleep.
- Let's do this.
- What?
We'll bust the gate,
give him a blow and get out of here.
That doesn't seem very wise.
Do you realize how many partisans
there are around here?
And do you realize that my mother
is on a ship with the Nazis?
Moreno's right.
Adele? Find some weapons. I'll grab this.
Where are you going with that frying pan?
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Acting like Bruce Lee?
- Who's Bruce Lee?
- I'll tell you later.
I'm Karate Kid. The crane kick.
I'll crack his head.
Stop talking bullshit. Stand by.
You knock on the door
and when he opens it,
I'll hit him with this on the head.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Go.
I'll do it, guys.
Lofts!
- Shh! Hey, wait!
- Who's whistling?
Hey!
- You snooze, you lose.
- Sorry.
- Go and eat. I'll stay here for a while.
- Thanks, Sandro.
It's Pertini. He took over.
We can't strike Pertini.
I mean, if it was Cossiga,
we could have done it.
But not Pertini! Come on.
Shh!
What's he doing?
He's playing "Solitaire".
Of course. He's obsessed with cards,
with "Scopone".
Remember the famous game
on the Football World Cup airplane?
No.
Of course! He was playing with Zoff
against Causio and Bearzot!
Guys...
Maybe I can manage to cheat somehow.
Get out of the way.
Watch.
Comrade Sandro?
Do you enjoy playing cards, sir?
Only Fascists say "sir"...
You have to be more informal.
- I mean, do you like playing cards?
- Yes.
"Solitaire" is nice,
but "Scopone" is much better.
My comrades
don't know how to play it, unfortunately.
No? We do! We do! Time for a game?
$COpa!
Oh well... You need to be
a bit more concentrated, gentlemen.
But my comrade sucks.
No, no!
The fact is that Sandra's good at playing.
Actually, I want to reiterate that we
have nothing to do with the Germans.
We just need to get to Naples
as soon as possible.
Yes, right! Actually, we think
the Nazis are really disgusting.
We're like you. We want freedom.
People who believe in freedom,
fight for freedom.
Scopa! That makes two of them.
- Two.
- Two times "scopa".
Two.
I mean,
if you're not concentrated, we'll leave.
Don't worry. I'm going to warm up now.
A real man
would do anything for his freedom.
Because freedom is participation.
- Nice one. Is it yours?
- No, Gaber's words.
Is he German?
No! Gaber! Giorgio Gaber is a friend
of ours in Milan. He's also a partisan.
Yes, from downtown Milan.
I don't know him.
- Scopa!
- Oh come on! How lucky!
What do you mean lucky?
He left a four on the table.
Not even one came out, Mr. President!
How could you leave a four on the table?
No, you were just lucky. Anyway,
we're always with you, Mr. President.
Why do you keep calling me Mr. President?
I'm the president of nothing.
Well, not for now.
But when democracy takes its course,
who knows?
We might have a partisan president.
Everything's possible.
They're even going
to make a song out of it.
- Scopa!
- Oh come on!
We also got three diamond cards,
Mr. President!
Sandro, how do you think
Italy will be in the future?
I would make do with a worse democracy
than the one you're outlining.
It would surely be much better
than any dictatorship.
Right!
There's no doubt about that.
Scopa!
And we even got a seven of diamonds!
What did you just say, Mr. President?
"You need to be a bit more concentrated".
Right, Mr. President?
Who's the most brilliant guy now?
Three "scopa,"
we won the majority of the cards,
primero, seven of diamonds...
We have all the points.
Well? Do you want a return game?
- No. I have a better idea.
- Really?
So we'll find out
if you're on the right side of history.
We busted the President's ass.
You're an idiot!
Let's go.
I don't get it.
What are we supposed to do?
We need to take this cart
to the other side of the bridge.
I thought it would be worse.
Because you don't know
what's inside those crates.
- What's inside?
- A bit of dynamite.
- A bit of dynamite?
- We need to blow up that bridge.
Mr. President,
maybe someone else should do this.
I'm even a conscientious objector.
No. What was your friend Gaber
saying before? "Freedom is...?"
- Participation.
- Participation!
Of course.
- But he's not exactly our friend...
- Hello and goodbye...
This way. Over there.
Sandro? Excuse me.
Why didn't you send the bald guy, too?
Because he didn't beat me at "Scopone".
Yeah,
did you really have to argue with Pertini?
Remember when he got in a fight with Zoff
on the airplane
because he lost the card game?
No, I don't remember.
I'm not interested in football.
That's not football. That's history.
History is about important facts,
not bullshit.
Stop!
There we go...
Stop! Stop!
We stopped!
Stop or I'll shoot!
- No! Hey! No shooting! Wait a second!
- We're working!
- Who are you?
- What do you mean? We have a delivery!
You think you're "Glovo"?
A delivery, sure... Supplies!
We haven't been informed
about receiving supplies! Go back!
No...
We have precise orders! We can't go back!
Another step and we'll open fire!
Hey! What do you mean you'll open fire?
Don't flare up!
We're peasants! Why?
- I mean, we speak the same language...
- Let's talk about it face to face!
- We'll come closer!
- Stand back!
Stop!
- Oh come on!
- Stop!
- We're Italians!
- Stand back!
- Stop!
- You don't understand!
Stop!
We could blow up!
We're going to blow up! Listen to me!
Oh, my God!
Wow! Did you see that? It collapsed!
Good, comrades!
You have rendered
a great service to democracy.
Long live Italy!
Oh, fuck off...
Are they dead?
No.
Look.
Hey!
We're alive!
- Ouch! That's not possible!
- Yeah!
Ouch!
Great!
- Hey? The Fascists.
- What Fascists?
Over there.
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
How does it continue?
They're partisans.
We caught them red-handed.
No...
Excuse me, but if we were partisans,
would we have been pushing a cart?
What are you doing?
Are you talking to me informally?
Sir! You saw it too, Excellency.
Excuse me. You saw it, too.
Even those other guys.
They were pointing their rifles at us.
If we weren't pushing the cart,
they would have killed us.
What else could we do?
Everyone talks about the Fascists,
but even the partisans...
Exactly! What about the Foibe Massacres?
Shall we talk about it?
They acted disgracefully!
They really exaggerated!
Who the hell are you?
Commander!
Badoglio is about to read a proclamation!
Turn up the volume!
- Yes, sir!
- Turn it up.
Badoglio... Shut up, you animal.
With the aim of avoiding further
and more serious disasters for the nation,
General Eisenhower, the Commander-in-chief
of the Anglo-American allied forces...
They are going to kill us.
...has requested an armistice.
An armistice...
His request has been accepted.
Thus, any act of hostility
against the Anglo-American...
What does this mean?
That we're allies with the English now?
What should we do, Commander?
I don't know.
If the vile King
wouldn't have put the Duce in prison,
he would tell us what to do now.
Exactly.
In fact, this is our mission, Commander.
We wanted to go and negotiate
with the King to free the Duce!
Liar!
Excuse me.
- No one knows where the King is!
- We know, Commander.
The King is about to abandon the capital
and is going to the Castle of Crecchio,
where he will spend the night.
Then he will board a ship
from Or ton a to Brindisi.
Oh.
And how do you know all of these things?
- Uhm...
-Who are you?
- Uhm, who are we?
- Good question...
- Excellency, we're spies.
- Yeah?
Yes. Yes. Fascist spies.
- On a mission.
- On a mission. Yes.
- What shall we do, Commander?
- Yeah, what shall we do?
I don't know.
I don't trust these two guys.
- Why not, Commander?
- Because we're spies.
But our task is finished here!
Let's do this...
Tomorrow at dawn,
we will escort you to Crecchio.
Crecchio is in Abruzzo, dumb-ass.
If you have made false statements,
your lives won't be more worth
than two bullets!
Hey?
- Adele, where are you going?
- I'm going to get my daughter back!
Wait! Wait!
Wait for what?
If I knew you were Fascist spies,
I would have shot you!
We're not Fascist spies!
They just said that to save their lives!
Then how did you know about the King?
Why were you wearing Nazi uniforms?
- Why were you talking so strangely?
- I know.
"Bruce Lee", "Village People",
"misunderstanding"! Who are you?
- Adele! It's difficult to explain now!
- Then goodbye!
Don't you understand
it's a suicide mission?
- You can't make it without us!
- Why not? Because I'm a woman?
No, because you're alone.
Listen, let's save my friends
and then we'll all go and get Monica back.
- Alright? Trust me.
- But we'll do as I say.
- Yes.
- Alright?
Yes.
- Do you know how to drive a Jeep?
- Quite.
- Let's go.
- Yes. So... The Jeep.
We also have to go
and get our backpacks and the Mona Lisa.
- Uhm, it was like this...
- Go!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
When we are with you,
we shall give you
another law and another King.
Long live the Duce!
Long live the Duce!
Duce!Duce!Duce!Duce!
Dune'. Dune'. Dune'. Dune'.!
There they are.
What did I tell you? We found them.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming...
Come on. Let's go!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see, for the hour is coming.
When we are with you,
we shall give you
another law and another King.
- We're here, Commander!
- Good! Get off! After me!
Immediately, Commander!
Quickly, quickly!
Hey. Give me a hand, guys.
Commander...
Hello. I'm the King's attendant.
We were expecting you.
Oh. So you weren't lying.
Well done, comrade!
Hey!
Please, follow me.
- What the fuck are you wearing?
- Trendy clothes.
He looks like a fish.
This way, please.
Gentlemen,
His Majesty Victor Emmanuel Ill of Italy
and Queen Elena of Montenegro.
- Who the hell are they?
- Shh.
Bow. Come on.
Your Majesty.
- Who is that man? He's not the King.
- In fact, he's not.
Can I have a word with them?
Where the fuck did you find them?
The lady...
It's the only one I found. I promised her
we would get her some food.
Excuse my insolence, Your Majesty.
Chief Maniple Ferdinando Magistrelli
of the Voluntary Militia
for National Security.
The people need our Duce!
We must free him from prison,
and we need to do it now!
I'm sorry to contradict you, Commander.
But Benito Mussolini isn't in prison.
He's in a safe place, and he will soon
be at the head of the government again.
Does His Majesty confirm it?
His Majesty confirms it.
You have our word, so you may go.
' G°' 90!
' Go!
I'm sorry, Your Majesty.
But after what happened,
we don't trust you anymore.
We will only return to Rome with our Duce!
There's no time to lose!
His Majesty understands your needs,
but he would first like to invite you
and your valiant men
to eat something and take refreshment.
Excuse me, but why doesn't His Majesty
address me directly, if I may ask?
- Calm down.
- Why...
- Why?
- What kind of question is that, Marshal?
Why?
- Did he say "why"?
- He asked why.
Excuse me, but what's your military rank?
- Chief Maniple.
- Chief Maniple?
Big deal...
Well, the King only talks to Generals,
Commanders, Heads of State and Princes.
He surely won't talk to a Chief Maniple,
like you. Be respectful!
What the fuck!
Come on.
Alright.
We accept your invitation, Your Majesty.
We will take refreshment,
so that tomorrow at dawn we will all go
and free our Duce together!
-To us!
-To us!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian!
Wait and see...
What we're doing has absolutely
no historical foundation.
Who gives a fuck?
Servant!
At your command!
Excuse me, Adele.
His Majesty and the Queen
will retreat to their chambers.
In the meantime, make sure these men
get some refreshments,
food and most of all drink.
- If you'll excuse me.
- Yes.
I'm hungry!
Shut up!
Comrades!
If you look at the sea from the hills,
young brunette, a slave among slaves!
Pretty black face, beautiful Abyssinian.
Wait and see, for the hour is coming!
They've already eaten twenty salamis,
two hams
and eight wheels of sheep's cheese.
More importantly,
they drained a whole wine barrel.
Well done! What an amazing woman!
- I have really bad news for you.
- What is it?
- The portal in Caserta is closed.
- Damn it.
The portal?
Wait a sec,
the next one is in lsernia, in four days.
-So?
- So we have to run away, now.
Can I finish this piece of cheese first?
Don't worry. I'll handle it.
Lay down your arms immediately!
By order of King Victor Emmanuel!
There he is. He's going to kill us now.
Good day.
Who is he?
Why do you look like me?
- Huh?
-Why?
Shall we talk'? Say something!
I want to know why you're here!
No, Your Majesty!
You tell us why you're here!
Because you're supposed to be in Pescara,
arriving here this evening,
to board, then, a ship to Brindisi!
I know these things, Your Majesty,
because I wrote them in my essay!
Shut up.
How do you know all of this information?
Guards! Arrest these spies!
No! What spies!
No, Your Majesty! We're not spies!
- Calm down!
- Can we explain?
- The watch! The watch!
- Slowly!
The watch!
Nothing. Damn.
The portal in Caserta
closed several hours ago.
If they would have arrived,
they would have shown up, right?
I don't know what to think. Coffee?
I'll try again. Let's see.
- Oh, fuck.
- What?
- I have to show you something.
- Display it on the big monitor.
Look. Isn't that your watch?
- Where did you find this?
- On a conspiracy website. Look.
"How could Victor Emmanuel Ill
have a smart watch around his wrist?"
"Was he an alien?"
Right. How is that possible?
Do you realize that the photo
dates back to September 10, 1943?
- You mean the King stole Moreno's watch?
- Nice King, huh?
Anyway, without that watch
they risk staying in the past forever.
We have to go and get them.
But where? We don't know where they are.
- Where do you think we are?
- It looks like a hotel to me.
We're in the mountains.
Always better than in prison, as before.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to save my daughter.
Do you want to climb out?
We have to make a rope
with anything we find.
Sheets, blankets, towels, everything!
What rope?
It's dangerous! It's at least 50 feet!
I should have known
you were a bunch of cowards.
You even abandoned my husband in Russia.
Adele! Adele!
Great...
When we get to Naples,
we can finally taste this famous pizza.
What was that?
Open it.
Come out! Come out! Out!
Poor, mom.
I put her through so much trouble.
And now
I even handed her over to the Nazis.
No wonder
she was angry when she died.
I didn't get a single thing right
in my life.
What are you complaining about?
What should I say?
I wanted to stop being a temporary teacher
and instead I'm stuck in 1943.
Do you know how they paid teachers in '43?
- No.
- With vegetables.
Broccoli, chicory, bitter greens.
Maybe a caciocavallo cheese.
If you were lucky, even a chicken.
Please, stop talking about chicken.
I'm starving!
A juicy chicken would be great now,
wouldn't it?
- With baked potatoes. Yummy.
- Shh... Do you hear that voice?
- It's my stomach.
- No, no, no, that voice...
ls someone there?
Do you think someone's in there?
It comes from the closet.
A voice inside the closet?
He's hearing voices?
- On the other side.
- On the other side?
What are you saying?
There's a door.
There's a door.
- Shall I open it?
- Open it.
It's locked.
Moreno, come and do the only thing
you're good at. "Broke" it down.
"Break" it down. You dumb-ass.
There's no difference. Break it down.
I don't even know what's behind it.
Get out of the way. What's going on?
- Break it down.
- It's a door.
Get your asses out of the way.
It's a piece of cake.
There.
Modestly speaking...
- He's a magician.
- No, he's a villain.
Adele, there's a door inside the closet.
Someone's talking on the other side.
Listen.
- Who is it?
- No idea. It could be very dangerous.
- Yes, someone should go and check...
- I agree.
We can do a headcount.
- What are you talking about? No, no.
- No way.
Alright. You don't have the guts. I'll go.
No, Adele. No, please!
Not a woman. I'll go.
- Oh...
- Right.
- Go.
- You really mean it?
- No, we're just joking...
- Come on.
- Shall I go?
- You said it.
- I'll go.
- Hey, man.
Remember we loved you.
Right. Go. Don't worry. Slowly!
My methods...
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
We broke in and he asks for permission?
There's a room...
On my command...
Is anyone here?
...put an end...
...to the horrors...
Hello?
The horrors!
They will hunt down the small, evil men,
enslaved by the foreigner's interests,
by plutocracies.
They will put flowers
on the martyrs' tombs.
Without flattery and deceit,
they will then say,
"Benito Mussolini..."
"Was right".
- Hey! What is it?
- Close the door! Close it!
What happened?
No kidding! The Duce is in there!
- The Duce?
- Who? Mussolini?
Oh, I get it! We're at Campo lmperatore!
Where's that?
On the Gran Sasso! It's where the King
put the Duce in prison.
The "Gran Sasso Raid"
will take place tomorrow.
It's a secret mission: a squad of SS
paratroopers will free the Duce
and put him in charge
of the Republic of Salb!
How the hell do you know all these things?
Can you tell me who you are,
once and for all?
Come on, tell her.
-
- Me,'
Tell her.
Alright, Adele. We're on a secret mission
on behalf of the Allies.
That's right. We're spies.
With a license to kill.
I'm going to kill Mussolini! Let go of me!
Adele, shut up!
Adele, not now! Fuck!
He took everything away from me!
My husband, my future!
Calm down! Calm down.
Actually,
I would also like to kick his ass...
What are you talking about?
We can't change history!
There are space-time paradoxes!
We're talking about a man
who invented the racial laws!
Shouldn't we give him
a kick in the ass?
Kick in the ass? Giuseppe's right.
We have to let Mussolini escape
with the Nazis.
And what the fuck shall we do?
We have to convince him to let us escape
with him! It's our only chance!
Well, if it's our only chance...
Let's do this: Address him formally.
Make sure you call him "excellency".
Excuse me?
I was expecting you.
Are you coming to Canossa?
- Excuse me, Your Eminence?
- You've turned him into a Bishop.
Excuse us,
we didn't want to disturb you...
They wanted a war
when it promised an empire.
And now that glory
imposes its rightful blood tribute,
what do they do?
- What do they do?
- They stab me in the back.
What the fuck do you care, Benito?
- More formal.
- Formally speaking.
No, Duce. Italy loves you!
You probably don't realize it,
but have settled this country! Right?
- Trains arrive punctually, right?
- That was propaganda.
- But you introduced retirement benefits.
- That was thanks to Crispi's government.
- Public housing...
- The Liberals did that.
I only accomplished one thing.
I changed the name of "lNPS",
and added an "F" to make it
sound more melodious: "lNFPS".
That sounds great! Well done!
- INFPS...
- He's not such a dickhead, after all...
At least the draining
of the Pontine Marshes.
That one for sure!
- Oh!
' See?
But that was a previous project.
Oh, come on...
Trains, marshes, retirement benefits!
How could it have crossed my mind
to be able to turn into an empire
a country of cowards and turncoats?
Excellency,
the Germans are coming to free you!
We are willing to follow you
to the top of the world!
' Rm“?
- Y es'.!
When all is lost,
the only freedom left is martyrdom.
- Duce...
- Sure...
Martyrdom! I want to be alone. Go away.
- No.
- I want to be alone. Go away.
- Please.
- Go away!
- Alright, let's go. Piss off!
- Let's go, guys. Come on.
It's a shame...
Come on.
Duce...
What the fuck do you need to tell him now?
Benito? From man-to-man...
I've been watching this roast lamb
since half an hour.
We haven't eaten for three days.
Can we give it a whack?
Roast lamb be it.
- See?
- Roast lamb be it!
There is a fucking way!
Wait, wait.
Oh...
It's a bit burned.
The Duce did do a good deed.
This lamb is so damn good!
What the fuck are you doing?
You don't realize!
Duce! It's time to rise up! Come on!
For all of those who are sacrificing
their lives in Greece, Africa, Russia!
In Russia, you say!
Blessed is that frost and snow
that kills all of those pipsqueaks!
Well, we won't tell that to Adele...
Adele?
Did I hear a name...?
- No.
- Adele?
- Comrades, report!
- Yes.
Go.
Who is this Adele?
Bold.
Daring.
Are you ready?
The Duce is always ready.
Bravo!
Again! Again!
Beautiful! Again! Come on! Bravo!
Sieg heil!
We will win!
- Who is it?
- What is it?
It must be the Nazis!
They're here to arrest Mussolini!
Let's hide!
Under the bed! Hide!
Where the fuck...
-Shh.
-Shut up.
There's no one here!
Go! I'll take care of it.
- Adele?
- Come out!
Quickly!
Benito wants us by his side! Let's go!
Benito'?
What a woman!
The brilliant example of Italian genius!
It has rekindled my Fascist passion!
- An unforgettable night!
- Really?
He surely won't forget it.
I took such pictures of him.
Far from threshing wheat...
- So you two didn't...
- Are you crazy? With that guy?
Give me the jet plane!
- What shall we do?
- What shall we do? We'll steal the van.
That way.
Don't shoot! Stop!
You! Where are you headed?
Sorry, Eminence! We're gone with the wind!
Go, Giuseppe!
- Hey, Benito! Fuck off!
- Fuck off!
Guys, there's a walkie-talkie,
three guns and a rifle here.
Did you bring the Mona Lisa with you?
Of course.
I'm certainly not leaving it behind.
It's my golden retirement benefit.
Look how beautiful it is.
Actually... there could be something
more important than money.
- Really? Like what?
- Like glory.
Think about it, guys: we could give Italy
a piece of its history back.
You think
I went through all of this mess for glory?
What do you mean?
Giuseppe may have a point.
We also deserve a bit of glory.
Think of the journalists
waiting in front of our houses.
"Hey, Moreno!" Understand?
Interviews, TV, hon our. Not bad.
The least we can get is an award
as "Knights of the Italian Republic".
That would be the best we could get:
the President of Italy shaking your hand.
My father would die if he saw that.
The very thought of it is exciting.
I'm getting goose bumps.
Let me be clear about this.
The Mona Lisa here will end up hanging
above some dickhead's fireplace
and we'll fill our pockets with money.
Full stop.
I can't disagree, you're right,
but if we don't manage to get home,
what the fuck are you going to hang
above your fireplace?
Actually, I have an idea.
We'll inform Gianfranco
about the new plan.
- Sure. How?
- How?
- Adele! Adele!
- Shh! Don't wake her up.
Can you take a picture of us?
I typed, "Photos September 1943"
on the search engine
and the catalogue
of this photographer back then appeared,
a certain Adele Moretti.
Boom.
That's a message for us!
- I'll zoom in on the picture.
- Yes.
"We're screwed".
"We missed Caserta".
"See you in lsernia on September 13th".
Why in lsernia?
Maybe history is telling us
that we underestimated the Molise region.
- Alright, let's go.
- Yes.
- What the hell are they saying?
- Quiet. Otherwise I can't understand.
The first one. Thank you so much.
The ship arrived a few hours ago.
We have to get to the German headquarters.
He told me how to get there.
Hey! Move it! Let's bounce!
Sure, let's bounce.
Let's bounce.
Shh...
Go.
Down! Down!
Go, go.
Those are the crates
that were on the ship.
Let's look for the van. Yes. Duck down.
Go.
- That's it! It's that one!
- Shh! Stop shouting.
Why the fuck are you shouting?
- That's it.
- I already said that.
Shut up. Clear.
- This way.
- Duck down.
Quickly! Come! Moreno, Come on!
- Ready?
- One, two, three!
- She's not here.
- It's empty.
- They probably brought her inside.
- Guys, we have to go in there.
Let's at least try not to get shot.
Shh! Quiet.
Listen! It's her!
- My love.
- Shh...
Don't worry.
- This way.
- Adele, come.
Duck down.
Duck down.
There's a door over there.
I think it's the only way to get in.
- I'll go.
- Where are you going, Adele?
Where?
If they see you they'll shoot you.
You're a dumbbell.
You've always been stubborn.
- What do you know about me?
- I know, I know.
Quiet! Enough!
We have to decide what to do.
What do you want to do?
The only thing we can do
is make a swap with the girl.
Hey, Moreno,
we know you're a dickhead, alright?
And I don't even like you.
But I won't allow you
to sacrifice yourself.
What the fuck?
I'm surely not sacrificing myself!
- Who then? Me? I'm not fucking going!
- Not you!
- Alright, I'll go.
- Where do you think you're going?
Am I surrounded by idiots?
Don't you understand
that we're worthless for the Nazis?
Only one person
could convince them to make this swap.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, be quiet, will you?
You want to send Adele in there?
I don't want to send Adele in there!
We'll give this to them.
Stop joking.
We risked our lives hundreds of times
to get this fucking painting!
And now you want to give it to the Nazis?
No, Claudio.
We're not giving it to the Nazis.
We're going to save a life with it.
Go.
Don't worry, Adele.
Whatever happens, I will defend you.
Thanks, but I know how to defend myself.
Today I love passionately,
this stream impertinent, minstrel of love.
Blooming of these plants
keeps this heart in celebration,
do you know why?
This is how I want to live.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily,
I sing for me.
Poor girl.
Among all of these lousy people.
Poor darling.
This is how I want to live.
With the sun in front of me,
singing happily, I sing for me.
Bravo!
Bravo!
She's good!
Stop! Who are you?
Hello. Do you speak Italian?
Can we talk to your boss?
Hey, you're hurting me!
Oh come on! Mind your manners!
So you Italians have the Mona Lisa...
and want the girl in exchange?
Yes, sir!
We stole it from those French cowards,
in order to hand it over to the people
who have always loved art and beauty.
To Mein Ffihrer! Heil!
Heil Hitler!
What the fuck!
You scared the hell out of me!
- May I see the painting?
- Of course you may.
But we'd like to see the girl first.
The Fijhrer wants to talk to you,
Commander.
Go!
- The Fijhrer is on the phone.
- Who?.
The Fiihrer.
IIJall-
The Fijhrer wants to know
where the Mona Lisa was hung.
He wants to know where it was hung?
Well...
Where was it?
We stole the Mona Lisa
from the Castle of Chambord.
But it wasn't hanging on the wall.
It was in a chest. In the Rimbaud room.
Tell him.
The painting was in a chest,
in the Castle of Chambord...
In the...
- What room was it?
- Rimbaud.
Dumbass. Animal.
Calm down.
- Ignorant.
- Calm down.
Rimbaud. Jawohl, Mein Fijhrer!
The Fijhrer wants to talk to you.
To us?
Well, what shall we do?
Do you want to talk to Hitler?
What the fuck shall I tell that Nazi?
We're not acquainted.
You're afraid?
Me, afraid? Hey, listen, thingy...
- Hey! He's not afraid...
- Afraid of this guy? Talk to him.
You talk to him. You speak his language.
Alright, I'll talk to him. Give it to me.
Damn heavy.
He's fluent.
Hey, Fiihrer!
IIJall?
IIJa"!
"Danke, Fiihrer".
Thank you so much. Bye.
Here. Take this baby Jesus.
- What did he say?
- He said he accepts the swap.
He only said that?
No. He also said he can't wait to hang
the Mona Lisa above his fireplace.
Oh well...
Give us the Mona Lisa! Now!
First the girl.
Show us the painting.
Here it is.
Stop!
You really thought
you could dictate terms to the Fuhrer?
Fire!
My accordion!
Kill them! Kill them!
Get the woman!
The Mona Lisa!
Where are the reinforcements!?
Let go! Fuck! Come on!
Hey, come on!
No!
Run, Adele!
'Yes!
- Damn you.
Take this power gun!
You really fell for it!
You really fell for it!
Go ahead, get another hole!
At least one. That's it, great.
Anyway, we made it.
The family is reunited.
And we even got the Mona Lisa back.
Blast you. You scared the hell out of me.
- Hey?
- What?
Thanks.
Hey! Look ahead!
But you're still an animal.
How do you feel?
Fine.
I told you
you would have embraced her again.
And soon you will also embrace
your husband, too.
Listen, I figured it out.
What?
That Vincenzo's dead.
I haven't heard from him for a year.
Many men came back to the village,
but he didn't.
A wife feels certain things.
Adele, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I want to do something for you.
For both of you.
Shall we be honest?
Let's be honest.
- Giuseppe...
- Adele...
You're not handsome.
- You're clumsy, awkward.
- Yes.
- You're also a bit short.
- Alright. I got the message.
But you're also
the bravest person I ever met.
Adele...
Mommy! I have to pee.
Hey, we'll do it soon, my love.
We'll do it soon.
Come on!
Shh!
A group of cowards
ambushed the headquarters. A vile attack!
Six valiant soldiers were slaughtered.
If the culprits
don't turn themselves in immediately,
ten Italians will be killed
for every German soldier at dawn.
The mopping-up operations
have already begun.
Damn them!
It's a reprisal.
Ten Italians for every German.
They want to make a mass killing,
like the Ardeatine Massacre.
Guys, we have to return to Naples
and try to save those people.
Hey, the portal in lsernia
closes tomorrow.
If we miss it, we will stay here forever.
The portal in lsernia?
I agree with Giuseppe.
Do we want to have
60 innocent people on our conscience?
No. No.
We haven't achieved much in life. Right?
That's why we started
roaming around the ages. Right, Giuseppe?
And we finally have the chance to do
something important.
Something my mother
would have been proud of.
Something which is worth living for.
- Or dying for...
- Or dying for, of course.
What are you talking about?
Adele, we...
We still have a mission to accomplish.
Alright.
Let's make sure the girls are safe.
Then you can get in the van
and drive to the portal. It's still open.
Hey? What portal?
I can't leave you here by yourselves.
We're a gang, right?
Guys... Listen, I'm fed up
of studying history books.
I think it's time to make history now.
What can I say?
Come on.
Come on.
Until the end.
Let's do it for freedom.
For Italy.
- And for Maradona!
- You don't say?
Who's Maradona?
- We have to take that lid off!
- Yes!
Damn heavy.
There. It's almost time.
Four, three, two, one...
What the hell?
Hey?
See? You shouldn't take drugs,
otherwise...
Stay focused!
They didn't manage this time either.
We have to go and get them.
- We can't! We don't know where they are!
- We have to do it!
Let me check.
Nothing.
The portals in 1943 are all closed by now!
They're trapped in the past.
- They're trapped in the past.
- Fuck!
Look. Those women will take care of you.
They saved many people's lives
during the war
by hiding them in their homes
or in the undergrounds of Naples.
You'll be safe with them.
Thank you.
- Bye, Adele.
- Bye.
Don't worry. I have the feeling
we'll see each other soon.
Bye, Moreno. You're a good man, you know?
You've never said that to me before.
Giuseppe...
I will never forget you.
Farewell, Adele.
Listen, Adele, do this.
As soon as the war finishes,
take this painting to a museum
and tell them you stole it from the Nazis.
Maybe we can avoid it ending up
above some dictator's fireplace. Alright?
Hey... We have to take a nice picture now.
Adele, it has to be perfect!
I want to see it on every history book!
Go!
- Let me put this down.
- Yes.
Come, let's get ready. Go down.
Oh, the automatic release already existed?
- Ready?
Careful.
There you go.
Please. Come in.
So you wanted to get engaged
to my grandmother...?
What are you talking about?
- You would have become my grandfather.
- Can you stop acting like an idiot?
Are you sure those people
are going to take care of them?
I guess so.
They're my great grandmothers.
Come on!
No! Leave him!
For God's sake!
Take them to the back!
Take the children, too!
Don't be afraid!
Take the children, too!
Quick! Don't be afraid!
Everyone out! Quick!
Take them to the back!
Damn Italians!
Take them to the back!
Do not be afraid!
What do you want?
What do you want?
He asked, "What do you want?"
If you free these people
we'll tell you...
who killed the German soldiers.
Why should I trust you?
Because we did it.
Come here immediately!
I found them!
- Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!
Excellent job, Dieter.
I know it meant a lot to you, Klaus.
The Fiihrer
congratulates you all personally!
- Heil!
- Heil!
Instead, he sends a very brief message
to you Italians.
He writes: "Farewell."
We also have a brief message.
When you see Adolf, tell him.
"Say hi to ya' sis'."
Hey!
How the fuck did he understand?
His grandmother is probably from Naples.
- Where's my Mona Lisa?
- We ate it.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it,
Beckenbauen
If you have the guts... say that again.
If you have the guts say that again!
Take them to the beach
and prepare the execution!
Quick! Move!
Cowards!
Take them over there. Come on, come on!
No, I don't want that.
I want to look at these pieces of shit
in the face.
You always have to act like a boor,
don't you?
Always.
Anyway, you're going to lose this war.
And you're also going to lose
the FIFA World Cup Final in '82.
Remember this name: Paolo Rossi.
Firing squad! Ready!
Aim!
Gentlemen, fooling around with you
has been a pleasure.
An hon our.
I confirm that.
Fire!
Take cover!
Hey.
Gianfranco!
It's Gianfranco!
Gianfranco! Careful!
- Even Loretta's here!
- Down!
Loretta!
Let's whack them!
Great, Gianfranco!
I'll go and give them some guns.
- They'll kill you!
- Cover me!
Wait.
' Go!
' Going!
Loretta! Down!
- A little present for you.
- Come on!
Great, Loretta!
Oh, now we're talkin'!
- We have to fight now!
- Exactly!
Heil Hitler!
Hey! His machine gun's jammed!
Careful, Gianfranco!
Sieg Heil!
Watch out, Guys! That's a big one!
He didn't see us, did he?
We surrender! We surrender!
It's payback time.
Kill them!
Shh!
Friends! I forgot to tell you that Loretta
and I didn't come by ourselves!
Who are they?
Come on, guys! Let's start this concert!
Hey, that's Renatino!
Come on, guys!
Come on!
Come on!
Now comes the fun part!
Come on!
Come on!
Hey, guys! We got the gang back together!
You boors!
He even killed the little worker!
Guys!
Do you realize that we're anticipating
the Four Days of Naples by 15 days?
This is such a great event!
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Honey, you brought another gun with you.
- You could have told me before!
Damn Italians!
No!
Are you afraid now? Asshole!
I'm not!
You are scared shit less.
Let me go!
Otherwise I'll kill him!
Now!
Guys, it's unbelievable.
The Nazi army has been wiped out
by the "Banda delta Magliana".
Thank goodness you got here on time.
If it were up to her,
we would even have been late.
Always fussing around...
She had to go to the hairdresser's...
I wanted to look nice,
'cause I'll never have the chance
to go back to '43 again, right?
Anyway, how did you do it?
- Right. How did we do it?
- It was a mess.
In 2022, there were no more open portals
to take us back here.
We had to pass through 1982.
No less...
We went through
a hell of a space-time travel!
Did she fight with the hairdresser?
Listen, I lied.
I made myself pretty because I knew
I was going to meet you.
Do you understand who I am?
- Mom...
-Well, Mom...
You're still in here. But yes, it's Mom.
You were so damn beautiful.
I don't want to interrupt your romance...
But the portal is about to close,
and we have to return home.
Okay.
We gotta go.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, guys?
- I'm not coming.
- What do you mean you're not coming?
I want to say goodbye to someone
before going home.
This dick fell in love with my grandma!
Come on.
- Giuseppe, please.
- No, I'm not changing my mind.
- I need to tell her something.
- You didn't get it.
I'm asking you, please, if you can,
get the Mona Lisa back, alright?
Bye, mate.
Hey, Giuseppe... Listen.
Take this with you.
Thanks, Renatino.
Alright... Take this watch with you.
Otherwise how will you come back?
Hey, don't screw things up, okay?
You know, I thought you were a dickhead,
and instead...
Instead?
And instead I was right.
ONCE UPON A CRIME