Cedar Rapids (2011) - full transcript

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Cedar Rapids [2011]

TIM: One of the reasons
I Iove Brown Valley so much

is that when
you do business here,

chances are good
you know the person
you're deaIing with.

They're a neighbor or a friend
or a friend of a friend.

And you can trust them
because they're part
of a community.

If there is a bad egg around,
peopIe find out pretty fast.

This is why
BrownStar Insurance
has prospered for 25 years.

We aIways do right
by our customers.

(SlGHlNG) Kurt, Pam,



this policy's gonna
save you $400 a year,

and it covers
everything you need.

Down the road,
you win the lottery,
come back on in here,

and l'll sell you
the spendiest policy
we got.

Seriously, guys,
l'm gonna
take care of you.

(DOORBELL RlNGS)

Hello, Mrs. Vanderhei.

lt's Macy, Tim.

l told you
to call me Macy.

Sorry,
l keep forgetting.

lt's a hard habit
to break.

Well, you better
get it right soon or

l'm gonna have to
make you stay
after school.

(MACY MOANlNG)



MACY:
Bring it. Bring it.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

There you go.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

TIM: Do you realize
l used to just stare
and stare at you

when you were teaching us
about the rainforests
or whatever?

And l would think,

"l wonder
what Mrs. V looks like
with her clothes off."

And then, boom,
we run into each other
in line at True Value

and, boom,
here we are,
making love.

Like, once a week.

lt's like it was fate
or something.

Did you ever
used to look at me
and think dirty things?

You were 1 2.

Right.

l got you something.

(CHlRPlNG)

lt's a scarlet tanager.
Mmm.

Like the birds you had
in your classroom.

That's very sweet.
Thank you.

Wait, wait.

Look on his wing.

MACY: Hmm.

lsn't that pretty?
ls that a...

lt's a promise ring.

Promising what?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

We're just having
a good time here.

No, we're not.
We're having
the best time.

Hi, I'm Roger Lemke.

At BrownStar Insurance,
we endeavor to give you

the coverage you need
at the best prices around.

It's the reason that
BrownStar Insurance
has been awarded

the prestigious
Two Diamond Award

from the American Society
of MutuaI Insurers

for three years running.

Because at
BrownStar Insurance,

we insure your dreams.

(ALL CHEERlNG)
Holy Christmas!

You knocked her
out of the park.

You knocked it out
of the G-D park, buddy!

l'm just a pretty face.
That copy was all you, Bill.

Well, l...

l do have one gripe
with you, boss.

Mmm-hmm?
lf you'd waited till
after Cedar Rapids,

l could have won
the Two Diamonds for you
four years running.

Four years!

How do you it, Roger?
(LAUGHlNG)

So proud
of you, Roggie.
Mmm...

TIM: Hey, Roger.

Tim Lippe!
l didn't even
see you there.

Oh, man.

Did you see it?

Yeah. You were
so awesome.

Oh ! Thanks, buddy.
Thank you.

Super awesome. Just...

Hey, Roger.
(GlGGLES)

Watch your back,
Brad Pitt.

(LAUGHS)

ROGER: Thank you for
the kind words, buddy.

(lNDlSTlNCT CHATTERlNG)

TIM: Wow, cake.

Awesome.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Tim, it's Bill.

Hey, Bill.

He's gone!
Tim, he's gone.

(CRYlNG) Oh, God,
I can't beIieve it.

What?

It's Roger.

What are you...
What are you
talking about?

Gwen found him
in the bathroom.

He had a beIt
tied around
his neck.

Oh, my gosh.

He was
half naked, Tim.

Oh, jeez.

(WHlRRlNG)

BlLL: All this time,
Roger was some kind
of twisted deviant.

TIM: Bill,
the way Roger died
was an accident.

BlLL: (SCOFFS)
Believe what you want,
but people are talking, Tim.

Commitment to God
is a big part of
the Two Diamonds.

Big part.

Now, people are talking.

Hey, come here,
come here.
Here you go.

This was Roger's
Two Diamonds
presentation.

Yeah,
and it's a guaranteed
Two Diamond winner.

And believe me,
l'd go myself,

but l'm locked in to
my daughter's wedding
over in Gladstone

l got no flex.

What are you
saying, Bill?

l am saying,
you need to
go down there

and give this
presentation, Tim.

l can't go
to Cedar Rapids.

You can't...
You don't want to send me
to Cedar Rapids.

All right, listen to me,
you were what, 1 6,

when l gave you
that filing job

right after
your mom passed?

You were living
on your own, pretty much.
All by yourself.

And l'm thinking,
"Now, here's a kid
who's gonna go places."

And then somehow,
you just didn't.

l can't.
You're all l got, kid.

l need you to go down there
and prove that BrownStar
is a good outfit,

an upstanding goddamn
Christian outfit.

Now, the onIy thing
you have to worry about
getting good with

is Orin HeIgesson.

He's the president.

He's the finaI decider
on the Two Diamonds.

So, near the end
of the weekend,

you're gonna sit down
one-on-one with him
in his suite

and deIiver
that presentation.

He needs to be convinced
that we're still worthy
of that award.

If we don't fix this,
our cIients
will leave us, Tim.

And we'll all be out
in the street.

Farmers are confronted
with an unpredictable
risk-filled...

Unpredictable world
of risk-filled
uncertainty.

TIM: Cedar Rapids.
MACY: Cedar Rapids.

l can't believe
that l'm actually going.
But l gotta do it, right?

l mean, it's not
just my job.

Six other people's
entire livelihoods
depend on this.

Plus Carol,
who does part-time
seasonal work, so...

You'll be fine.

Hey, Charlie.
Tim, what's up?

l'm going down
to Cedar Rapids for
the big ASMl convention.

Oh, good. Good.

You can keep
that for now.
(CLEARS THROAT)

So all liquids, gels,
aerosols must be
placed in a Ziploc,

and then your computer,
we take out of the case
and run through the machine.

(SNlCKERS)

lt's just me.

Yeah, we gotta do it
for everybody, so...

Tim !

Oh, praise Christ
you haven't left yet.

Hey, Bill.

(PANTlNG) Hey.

l can't believe
l forgot to
give this to you.

lt's an ASMl bible.
All right?

lt'll tell you
who to talk to
and who to avoid,

who best to
fellowship with,
network, you know.

Dean Ziegler,
Stevens Point,
Wisconsin.

Ziegler.

You know that son of bitch
called one of Lemke's
biggest clients,

Joyce Armbruster?

Smeared Roger's name.
Freaking goddang poacher.

Avoid Ziegler
like the plague,
please.

Now, Ronald Wilkes,
the guy l got you
rooming with,

that's who l want
you to stick by.
Okay.

All right?
All right, then,
come here. Come on.

(lNDlSTlNCT CHATTERlNG)

Well, you lucky ducks
have obviously been
seated in an exit row.

l just need to make sure
you're willing and able to
assist crew members

in the event of
an emergency evacuation.

l've actually never been
on an airplane before.

Well, you'll do awesome.

Well, if you do
need help, l'm in.

Thank you.

Oh, sweet.

Hey, man.
Can l bum a heater?

What's that now?

A cigarette?

(CHUCKLES)

No, sorry,
l can't help
you there.

Are you here for
the convention?
Yeah.

Yeah. Tim Lippe,
BrownStar lnsurance.

Bree. l'm Bree.

Nice to meet you, Bree.

Old trade secret
for you.

lf you keep smoking,
your premiums are gonna
go through the roof.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks, Dr. Phil.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, instead of a heater,
how about butterscotch?

Nice.

Listen, Tim,
if you wanna party,
you let me know.

l'm always around.

You got it.
Party hardy.

Nice chatting
with you, Bree.
See you.

Wow!

Checking in
with us, sir?

Yeah, l am.
Pretty excited
about it, too.

All right.
Can l get your name?

Tim Lippe.

And we just need
a credit card
for the incidentals.

Well, Trent,
l was under
the impression

that you honored
traveler's checks.

You bet.
We just need to make
an imprint of the card,

just like l say,
for the incidentals.

Credit card?

All right.

lt's standard.

Don't worry.
We are not
gonna charge it.

No, see. Looks liked
you just charged it.

Just an imprint.

Okay.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hey, Tim.

So l just did
the whole check-in rigmarole,
and l'm on my way to my room.

Have you seen
the pooI yet?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) lt's incredible.
l mean, there's like
palm trees and stuff.

And the whole place
smells like chlorine.

lt's like l'm in Barbados
or somewhere.

Oh, here we are.
Mi casa.

Junior suite.
Hang on a second here.

Figure out how
this deal works.

The key is like
a stinking credit card.

(GASPS)

What is it? Tim?

There's an
Afro-American man
standing in my room.

What's he doing?

He's smiling at me.

Oh, no.
Run for your life.

Are you Tim?
Tim Lippe?

l'm Ronald Wilkes.

Bill Krogstad said
we were gonna be roommates.

Tim, are you okay?

Does he speak
your language?
Yes.

He actually seems
pretty friendly

so l'm gonna call
you back later, okay?

You are Tim?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes,
of course l am.

Just for a minute there,
l was like, "Whoa."

Okay.

You wanna come in
and take a look
at the room?

Yeah, yeah.

Check out these digs.

Hey, look, Tim,
the reason we got
the junior suite upgrade

is because
the hotel overbooked.

The point being,
they were asking folks to
take on a third roommate

to consolidate space.

Now, to me,
the savings of
adding a third guy

sounded like
a real positive.

lf you got any qualms,
l hear you.

LNC. That's
"Loud and Clear."

Who would share...
Who would share beds?

That's a pull-out couch.

(LAUGHS)

This isn't
Woodstock, Tim.

l'm sure whoever it is
will be a straight shooter.

Janita, double stock
my mini bar, please.

1 01 9, thank you.

Taco Bill,
back in the saddle.

Hey, Ned.
Get some honey
on your stinger?

l love it.

So far,
it's just the one billboard
north of St. Cloud.

But at the
end of the day,
it's NTS.

Not too shabby.

NTS. That's hilarious.

(HOWLlNG)

Ronald Wilkes,
l presume.
The Ronimal !

Give me some love,
my soul brother!

Turn down
the volume, Ziegler.
You just got here.

What's the matter,
friend?

You've never seen
a choco-vanilla
love sandwich before?

Wait till we start
the butt fucking.
No.

(ZlEGLER LAUGHS)

l'm just having fun.

Dean Ziegler,
Stevens Point, Wisconsin.
Call me Deanzie.

Tim Lippe,
from Brown Valley, Wisconsin.
BrownStar lnsurance.

Oh, sure, yeah.
Bill Krogstad's
joint right?

The Kroger!

That's what l call him.

Oh, shit.

l was so sorry
to hear about Lemke's
passing up there.

That guy
was tits as a rep.

Yeah. Well, Roger was
just a super great man.

Amen on that. Yeah.

Real tragedy.

Well, l don't know
about you wing-nuts,

but the Deanzie
could use a drinksy.

What do you say we head
straight to Horizons
for happy hour?

You get
two-for-one drinks,
ten-cent wings,

all-you-care-to-eat
pussy buffet.

That line was unappealing
last year, Dean.

lt remains so now.

Ronimal !

l'm gonna watch
President Helgesson's
opening remarks.

Oh, God.
That smug fuck.

Helgesson's trying
to turn ASMl into
a goddamn religion

with all this God
and morality bullshit.

All right,
you ladies stay here
and do your nails.

But l'm going to Horizon's
where the action is,
all right?

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

I'm Orin HeIgesson,

your ASMI
Midwest Region
Chapter President.

If you haven't picked up
your weIcome kits yet,
see Mike PyIe.

RONALD: Mike Pyle.

He owns the sixth
largest Allstate agency
in the upper Midwest.

The guy's a shark.

l'm more worried
about this Ziegler guy.

l was specifically warned
to stay away from him.

Don't worry about him.
He's harmless.

I'd Iike to taIk
Two Diamonds
for a minute here.

The Two Diamond
Certificate of Excellence

is awarded every year

to the agency
that best exempIifies
the ASMI decree

"to provide high
quaIity insurance,

"whiIe maintaining
commitment to community,
country and God."

We have a record
number of entries
this year.

Over 50 agencies. So...

Did he say
50 agencies?

Yeah, it's gonna be
brutal this year.

(EXHALES)

Hey, come on.
You're gonna
do fine. Relax.

Thanks.

Hey, baby girl.

MACY: Hey, Tim.
How's it going?

l'm in over my head.

You'll do fine.
l'm putting you
on speaker, sweetie.

l just really wish
you had come with me.

Oh, no.
This is your thing.
You'll do a good job.

Well, I gotta run
in a sec.

I'm meeting some foIks
for fish at the EagIes.

l really miss you.

You'll do fine.

Thank you. I'll try.

l really miss you.

Okay, bye, honey.

l'll dream of you
in my heart.

You were
checking me out.

What?

l'm gonna have
to tell the hotel

there's some pervo
in fitness center

hitting on
innocent women.

What? Whoa! No.

l wasn't doing that.

l'm, like, pre-engaged
with somebody.

Unbelievable.

That poor woman
should know what
you're up to.

l'm not up to anything.
l swear, l'm not...

Oh, man.

(LAUGHlNG)

l'm totally
messing with you.

l'm sorry.
Oh, my God,
l'm such a jerk.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, yeah.

Well, that's different.

l'm so sorry.
Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Hi.
Hi.

Tim Lippe.
Hi, Mr. Lippe.

l'm in town for
the ASMl convention.

l'm here for ASMl, too.
l'm from "Oh, my God,"
Nebraska.

Omaha.
Yeah.

Well, l'm gross,
so l will bid you
a farewell, Mr. Lippe.

Okay.
See you at
Horizon's tonight?

Yeah, l don't...
Well, maybe.

A girl can dream.

How are you doing?
Good.

Um...

l really enjoyed your speech,
President Helgesson.

Oh. You were in there.
Marvelous.

l don't think we've met.

Tim Lippe.

Down from
Brown Valley, Wisconsin,
BrownStar lnsurance.

Oh, boy. Tim,

l don't know
what to say.
l'm just...

We're all feeling it.

l'm so sorry
for the loss.

Yeah, it's been
really hard.

Come here, son.
Come here.

Now, Tim,
let me give you

a few extra
drink coupons
for Horizon's.

You go down there
and fellowship and network
with your colleagues. Huh?

Thank you,
President Helgesson.

No, please. Orin.

Hey, Bree isn't it?

Yeah, the butterscotch
dude right?

Yeah.

That's me,
Captain Butterscotch.
You guys want some?

Yeah.

Tim Lippe,
BrownStar lnsurance.

Glen Lindstrom. Lindy.

Lindy Lindstrom.
Excellent to meet you.

What are you
guys up to?

Timbo!

Right here, roomie.

Party headquarters,
right here.

How's it going, Tim?

Hi, Ronald.

Dean?

Come on.
Call me Deanzie.

What can l get you?

Do you have root beer?

You want a nipple
on that?

Ha-ha. No.

The sooner you learn to
ignore this degenerate, Tim,
the better off you'll be.

Degenerate!
l love it! That's me!

Okay, Big Time Tim,

what exactly are
you looking for, pussy-wise,
in Cedar Crapids?

Nothing, actually.

What?
Why are you showing me
a picture of your mom?

She's hot.
No offense.

She's not my mom. Okay?

She's my girlfriend,
and we're basically
pre-engaged.

Whoa, whoa. My bad.
Beautiful woman,
in any case.

Wait a minute,
what's "pre-engaged"?

'Cause if l was
"pre-engaged,"

l will be pre-porking
anything with a pulse.

Where's your
moral compass, Ziegler?
You're married yourself.

Was married,
Ronald. Was.

Oh, jeez,
you and Patti
split up?

Oh, l'm sorry.

She's an asshole.
Ass-fucking-hole.

Seventeen years of marriage,
straight down the shitter.

Lucky if one of
them was decent.

What was l talking about?
Who wants to get wasted !

Choo-choo!

JOAN: Hubba-hubba,
check out those studs!

Whoo!
Joan Ostrowski-Fox.

Oh, Ron Ronald,
you look Rontastic.

This one.
Oh, l could just

squeeze you to death,
you little firecracker!

ZlEGLER:
How are you
sweetheart?

Oh, so good.

Oh, Lippe.
My lippies are sealed.

You know this guy?

Oh, that's right.
From the fitness center.

Yeah. l was really
naughty with you
down there.

l'm really sorry, Tim.

Oh, no. She's not.
Oh, no. l'm not.

(LAUGHS)

Shots. Let's do it.
What do you want guys?

J?ger time.
J?ger for me.

Twist my arm. Drambuie.

JOAN: Lippe?
l'm a non-drinker.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Timbo,
you gotta strap on
a set of gords.

JOAN: Yeah.
All right?

Come on,
one won't kill you.

Jeez, okay.

lf you guys are
gonna beat me up...

Cream sherry.

Cream sherry?
You're insane.

(LAUGHlNG)

That's the craziest thing
l've ever heard.

This one's weird.

ZlEGLER:
Ready? Here we go.

(COUNTlNG lN GERMAN)

ln your hole!

(WHOOPlNG)

You be careful
not to get too loaded
there, Lippe.

l might have to take
advantage of you.

Hey. Excuse me.

Come on,
l'm just razzing.

Cut it out!

You know what?
lt's been a long day.

Oh, come on,
Timbo. Relax.

Come on,
l didn't mean
anything by it.

Good night.

You can squeeze
my ass, Joan.

Ouch !

The government
currently subsidizes

$935 million worth of
insurance policies...

l'm in here!
l'm in here...

l know, l know.
This needs
to be private.

Listen...

Whoa!

Something really didn't
agree with you, huh?

Yeah, l had...
l think it was
tainted yogurt.

Listen, meet me
in the stair...
(EXHALES)

Meet me in the stairwell
in five minutes. All right?

Pinch it off,
it's important.

Jesus Christ.

(COUGHS)

Psst!

(SOFTLY) Timbo.

We gotta talk.

What? What is going on?

After you left,
l found out
some serious shit.

There is a petition
going around

trying to take away
your company's
Two Diamond Awards.

What?

They're saying
Lemke's sexual peccadilloes
were not godly,

quote unquote.

Somebody
passed it to me,
and l'm like,

"Look,
Lemke might have been
a class-A deviant,

"but what the fuck
does that have to do
with selling insurance?"

Pardon my French, Dean,
but you are completely
full of bullroar.

My boss, Bill Krogstad,
told me that you
called Joyce Armbruster

and smeared
Roger's name.

No, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Timbo.
That old whore called me.

She's going on about
how Lemke's a pervert

and she wanted
to take her
business elsewhere.

So l says,
"All right, l'll crunch
some numbers for you."

Well, she calls me back
later that same day

saying how she got
Krogstad to
lower her premiums,

which is exactly
what the greasy twat
wanted in the first place.

So, you didn't call her?

Tim.

Look, l might be
a lot of things,

but a poacher
ain't one of them.

And l'm proud of that.

You saw this petition?

Yeah, l saw it.
l didn't sign it.

l said,
"You guys are pussies."

This is terrible.

'Cause the way
that Roger died
was an accident.

Look, Lemke
could have died

cornholing
a crippled kid
for all l care.

Not really, of course.

My sister's got one.
Down's.

Sad.

Point being,
selling insurance
is a business.

lt's not a goddamn
Boy Scout troop.

So there's
the scuttlebutt.

Deal with it
the way you want.

(RONALD SNORlNG)

(ZlEGLER SlGHS)

And we thank you, Lord.

We are grateful
for the bounty you provide us
this breakfast time.

l am so hung over
right now.

The variety
and the volume...

Big time beer shits
this morning.

... Lord Jesus,
our truth. Amen.

Amen. Say that again.

l thought Pyle
did a nice job,
Ziegler.

What's wrong
with you, Timbo?

You're like
a gloomy Gus
this morning.

Come on,
leave him alone.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

lf it's my ex-wife,
l'm not here.

l'm pretty sure
it's not your ex-wife.

lt's my boss.
l have to take this.

Tell The Kroger
l said, "Hey."

Hello.
BlLL: Tim.

l got a call from
Orin Helgesson.

He tells me
he's worried about you.

Tells me
you're palling around
with Dean Ziegler.

Laughing at his jokes,
buying him drinks.

No, Bill. That's...

What's the one thing?

l said, "Steer clear
of Dean Ziegler."

Bill,
that Dean Ziegler...

No, it is
Orin's sworn enemy.

He told me that
there is a petition
going around

to take away our
Two Diamond Awards.

What? All right,
who the Christ
signed that, huh?

Who the Christ
signed that?
God damn it.

God damn it.
God damn it!

Bill, l'll handle it.
You can count on me.

You just worry about
your goddamn presentation
tomorrow, Tim,

and stop
fucking around!

l'll handle it.

You take care
of it, Lippe.

l swear,
l only smoke
in Cedar Rapids.

Jeez, what's wrong?

l don't know,
like, everything.

So how did you
get involved in the
insurance game, Lippe?

Oh, God.
"lnsurance game."

Look here, see,
how did you get involved
in the insurance game?

You're freaky.

Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

lt's kind of
a weird story,
actually.

l lost my dad
in a sawmill accident
when l was six years old.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

But the insurance agent
fought like a tiger
with the sawmill

to make sure my mom and l
were taken care of,
and we were.

And l remember thinking,
when l was kid,

l was just like,
"This guy is a hero."

l gotta say,
l think insurance agents
get a bum rap.

You know?

Like this river,
the Cedar River, flooded
a couple of years ago.

A whole city.
l know. l remember.

lt was
a massive disaster.

Massive disaster,
billions of dollars
in damage,

and who do you think
was in the trenches

trying to get
people's lives
back in order?

lt was insurance agents.

Not all of them,
but a lot of them
worked really hard

to get people's lives
back on track.

Do you realize
you just made it sound cool
to be an insurance salesman?

You are a hero, Lippe.

(CHUCKLES) Shut up.

Come on,
we should get back.

No, l can tell.

You're the Superman type.

Kind of dweeby
on the outside

but a real frigging
stud underneath.

Yeah, dweeby, okay.

They call you
lnsurance Man

and put a big red "l"
on your chest.

Cool.

Well, even if
you are totally full of it,
which you clearly are,

it's still
a nice thing to say,
and l appreciate it.

You're welcome.

For crying out loud, Dean,
you say the same thing
every year!

Because you think
you're the Pope, Orin.

And you're not
the fucking Pope.

And ASMl
is not a church.

There is a separation
between religion
and insurance.

lt's in
the constitution.

Oh, good grief.

You gotta admire
Ziegler's style
of debate.

Volume, proximity
and repetition.
Yeah.

(LAUGHlNG)

l'm doing
something right.
Timbo!

And O-Fox.
Where have
you two been?

What is that?
You got a pube on
your cheek, Timbo.

Oh, Jesus, Ziegler.
Uncool.

Eating the canned tuna
from the bottom shelf.

l love it! (LAUGHS)

Guys, l gotta boogie.

l'll see you later
at the scavenger hunt.

JOAN: Bye-bye.
Aye aye,
your holiness.

Borin' Orin.
Just joshing.

Not.

No, l'm really
joshing. Not!

Oh, got him twice.

What's the scavenger hunt?
JOAN: Oh !

You are about
to find out,

'cause l just signed up
you and O-Fox
on the same team.

Oh, yeah? Right on !

l shouldn't.

Tim, l promise
l won't molest you.

Yet. (CHUCKLES)

No, l'm kidding,
l'm kidding.
Come on, it'll be fun.

Everyone's doing it.

Okay, folks,
the ASMl-Azing Race

is just like
The Amazing Race
on TV...

(COUGHS)
No, it's not.

...except that instead
of $1 million,

the winning team gets

a $45 gift card
to the Kiku
Japanese restaurant

in the Westdale Mall.

So, look for
your first clue

under the sea.

And by that l mean
in the pool area.

(WOMAN WHOOPlNG)

ZlEGLER:
Don't get in the way.

TIM: No brakes!

No brakes.
Coming through.

Bricks?
What the hell is this?

ZlEGLER:
lt's a word scramble,
you dumb fucks.

Raff...raff. Riff...

Moff.
Two letters.

Two more letters.
Mo... Moffarts.

l know what it is.
Fun Farm !

Yeah, be cool.
Be cool.

Golly, l really
need to pee.

l told you to go
before we started,
you idiot.

Sorry.

Queef.

No Q.
No Q, son of a bitch.

(CHUCKLlNG EXClTEDLY)

Hey, Bree.
We're in first place!

Good luck,
butterscotch.

JOAN: Okay,
you're gonna make
a right on Wilson.

TIM: No, that doesn't
make any sense.

You're gonna...
What?

l'm gonna make
a left on Wilson.
Oops!

North is north.
South is south.
lt's not complicated.

Never Eat
Shredded Wheat.

Just remembered.

l never heard
that one before.

Yeah, which is ironic
because Shredded Wheat
is delicious.

Where are they?

All right, Perry.
Eyes on me.

What are you doing here?
You want me to throw you in?

Balls deep, man. Go!
Yeah ! Go!

All right.
What do l got to do?

You have to
find a red ball
for your next clue.

l'll give you 40 bucks
for the clue straight out.

Ziegler! Now! Go!
All right, let's do it!

Look out, Timbo,
l'm going balls deep.

(YELLlNG)

(EXCLAlMS)
l got it!

Yes!

Fill this thing.
l'm gonna win.

Fill it. Fill it.
Fill it. Come on.

Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
Go! Go!
Eat the next one.

Oh, my God.
l'm gonna puke.

No, you're doing great,

and, by the way,
you look really good
with a wiener in your mouth.

Did you just make
a dick joke?

No. Maybe.

l love it!

Okay, just go!
Go! Go! Go!

Look at him.
He's like a little
spider monkey.

Ha-ha!
Leaving them
in the dust.

You're almost there, bud.

JOAN: Reach it!
ZlEGLER: Timbo.

You got
a death wish pal?

'Cause you're about
roughly 20 feet off
the ground right now.

Take a look.

Uh-oh. Tim?

Oh, God.
Tim, are you okay?

Give me a second.

What do you...
Tim, come on down.
We got you, buddy!

l'm gonna be fine!

l think
we better get him.

ZlEGLER: Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.

Why did you do it
if you're gonna
freak out?

Tim, l got you,
trust me.

Just give me
your hand, bro,
lean back.

l don't trust people
with pony tails.

Come on, man,
give me your hand.
Let's do this.

l'm not extreme
like you.

(SCREAMlNG)

Oh, Tim. Tim !

Oh, my God.
Calm down.

(CONTlNUES SCREAMlNG)

Hold on.
Hold on to this.
JOAN: l got you, buddy.

Guys, just lower
him down. l got it.

Come on down to me.
Come on down.
l got you, pal.

Relax. Relax.
JOAN: Okay. Okay.

We got you.
We got you.

Come on, folks.
l just saved a life here.

(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)

Just saved a life here.

So since no one
could complete
the final task,

and since Tim
was higher
than anyone else

when all this
brouhaha occurred,

we're going to
award the gift card
to Tim and Joan.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

We won !

Nice. l love it.
l love it.

TIM: (SlNGlNG)
We won
We won the scavenger hunt

We won
We won

Mmm.

We won today.

WAlTER: Well,
congratulations.
Thank you.

And l found you
a cream sherry.

To dorks.

Okay. Cheers.
Cheers.

lt's a compliment.

Mmm.

Oh, smooth.

Tim Lippe,
l am trying to
figure you out.

Oh, boy.

l mean, hopes,
dreams, aspirations.

What do you got?
Um...

What l really
would love someday,

is to put
a little greenhouse
in my backyard.

Okay, dream
the impossible dream.

Actually,
it's far more reasonable
than you think.

Oh, please.

l checked some
out at Fleet Farm.
Enough.

They're portable.
Stop it.

And they won't
break the bank.

Wow, l'm talking, like,
fantasy land. Okay?

Like, what does
Tim Lippe really want?

Come on !
Okay, a family.

Oh !

You know,
l wanna be a dad.

So, kids, l guess,
is what l really want.

You want mine?
(LAUGHS)

Um... Well...

Not like, you know...

What?

l have kids.
You have kids?

Yeah, two.

Tyler is 1 0.
Ashley will be
eight next month.

My little squirrels.

Oh, they are so cool.

Aw, thanks.

And, that's...

My hubby, Rich Fox.
Richie.

We met when we were
Rotary Exchange students
in high school.

Lived for a semester
in Norway.

You've been to Norway?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Then we got married
when we were
sophomores in college,

and then kids and...

Wow.

lf l had to do it
all again, l don't know
what l'd choose,

but l don't have
that option.

So this is
my fantasy land, Tim.

You know,
Cedar Rapids,
ASMl. This.

Sometimes a gal just needs
a little vacation

from who she really is,
you know
what l'm saying, Lippe?

MAN: Yee-hah !

This is pathetic.

Hey, Mike!
l'm bored of the dance.

You love me, Deanzie.

There you two are.

Check out Lloyd.
He's going mental
on the place.

Oh, and you missed Mike Pyle
doing his Riverdance,
hillbilly bullshit again.

(LAUGHS)
Drinks on me.

l like that.

Timbo, have you
tagged that yet?

'Cause she's
gotta be as moist
as a damp sponge.

Ew, uh...

No, she has a husband.

What is wrong
with you, Ziegler?
Shit.

What isn't wrong with me?
l talk too much.
l drink too much.

l weigh too much.
l piss people off.

What's your
situation, Ronald?
Are you married or...

Negative.

l'm pretty well married
to Ronald Wilkes lnsurance.

Course l have
my guilty pleasures,
like antiquing.

l'm active in
community theater.

And l have to admit,
l'm a big enthusiast

of the HBO program
The Wire.

But l haven't had
a proper vacation
in nine years.

Yeah, you know,
l never take
my vacation, either.

You know what
you guys should do,
is take a vacation together.

We can go on
one of them gay cruises
with Rosie O'Donnell.

You know
what you are,
Ziegler?

You're what l call
a real Richard.

(RONALD LAUGHS)

Mr. Richard Head.

l don't get it.

Dick Head, l get it.
(LAUGHS)

You're a total Richard.

lt took me a second.

All right, gents.
Kamikazes.

One, two, three.

Down your hole!

WOMAN: Okay,
time for ASMI's
next great taIent.

Tim Lip is going to
sing a number for us.

Is there a Tim Lip?

Did she just
say my name?

(LAUGHS)
Oh, l'm sorry.

She signed you up.

Tim Lip?

You can't do that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l don't know
if you know
Tim Lippe here,

it's "Lippe,"
by the way,

he's down here,
it's his first ASMl,

he's up for
a Two Diamond Award.

Let's give him
a little support. Huh?

MAN: Tim Lippe!

Tim ! Tim ! Tim !

Go be my hero.

Tim ! Tim ! Tim !

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Get up there!
Get up there!

Okay, I'm gonna
sing a song that I did
at our Iast Christmas party.

Hope you enjoy.

(SlNGlNG) Oh, holy night

CostIy premiums
have them pining

Term Iife robs them
Of all they are worth

But there is hope

PoIicy hoIders
now have choices

BehoId an agency

That won't Ieave you torn

Home, auto

Life insurance

BrownStar

BrownStar Insurance

Of Brown Valley,
Wisconsin

We are divine

(ALL CHEERlNG)

That was awesome!

Ladies and gentIemen,
Tim Lippe.

Take that, Pyle!

Yes! Finally.
Oh, God, no more shots.

Let's go.
Yes, one more.

No, l'm not
having another.

Yes, l don't even
wanna hear it.

ZlEGLER:
One, two, three,
down your hole!

One-on-ones with Orin
are tomorrow.

l can't afford
to be off my game.
Neither can you, Tim.

(BOOlNG)

Ronimal !

Sit down, Ronimal.

You tied it in perfectly.
Auto, home, life, you got me!

Yeah, that was great.

Hold on, hold on.
l smell free booze.

No, no.
Come on, come on.
Dean.

Come on, come on.

(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oh, my God.

Rug munchers.
l love it.

No way.

Gay marriage
is legal in lowa.

Come on, you guys.
This party sounds good.

Wait. Let's go.

You're crazy, Deanzie.

l love it!

Ronimal's on
the dance floor!

The Robot Man ! Yeah !

Whatever floats
your boat, man.

(SHOUTlNG)

Take cover, Ronald !

Come on, follow me,
l know where to go.

We're storming
the gate.

l told you it
closed an hour ago.

No, it didn't.
'Cause l just
opened it up.

Come on,
we're going swimming.

RONALD:
l'm going to bed.

We got
a big day tomorrow.

Yeah, l'll be
right behind you.

ZlEGLER: We're totally
going in the pool.

We're totally going in !
(LAUGHlNG)

Come on.
This is gonna be
my seaman's helmet.

Right here. Look!

Look at this!
You guys.
(LAUGHlNG)

l'm Captain Nemo,
the muff diver.

l'm going on a mission
for bearded clams.

ldiot.

What do you say?
Lippe take a dippy?

ZlEGLER: Come on in !

(SPEAKlNG GERMAN)

(LAUGHS) What?

That's German for,
"l can't swim,"
and l really can't.

Oh, well,
it's only 4 feet.

Well, l didn't bring
a bathing suit, so...

Oh, yeah?
Well, l didn't either.

Timbo, it's business casual.
Get your ass in here.

JOAN: Come on, Tim.

Mr. Lippe.

Calling Mr. Lippe.

ZlEGLER: Get in here.

Oh, my gosh.
lt's kind of chilly,
actually.

(EXCLAlMS)

Oh, my God.
JOAN: lt's nice.

Dean, you look
like R2-D2.

(MlMlCS BLEEPlNG)

Crazy day, right?

So...

Oh, man.

Your skin is so milky.

lt's like ice cream.

l'm having
a perfect moment.

What the heck
is going on here?

(ZlEGLER GRUNTS)

Orin !
You ruin everything.

Helgesson,
l got something
for you right here.

Suck on it, baby.
Right there.
Full moon, Orin.

You people are
such low-lifes.

He happened to come
out right then, right?

Yeah, you were watching
through the window,
you kinky bastard.

Well, this is
a very nice "How do you do"
in the middle of the night.

Go back to your room
and tie yourself up,
you kinky bastard.

Will you just shut up?

Whoo! l love it!

Oh, my God.
Holy crap.

Oh, my God.
We're so dead.

(LAUGHS)

l wanna make love!

Where is everybody?

Timbo? Ronald?
Oh, shit.

Making love to you
was super,

super awesome.

Do you want
to cuddle?

Cuddle?

l love to cuddle.

Okay.

You're special, Joan.

So special.

Calm down, Tyler.

You're not
gonna miss the game.
Just put your dad on, please.

Hey, didn't you look
at the schedule
on the fridge?

This is the last
regular season game.

He actually has
a chance to play,
Richie, Christ.

Okay. Okay,
l love you, too.

Tell Tyler
to kick some butt
for me, okay? See you.

Good morning.

Sorry, crisis
on the home front.

You already
told your husband?

Yeah, right.

We have to tell them.
No.

Right? l mean...

Tim, l told you,

what l do here
in Cedar Rapids,
it stays here.

No, l am not
a philanderer.

l'm a philanderer.

l'm a philanderer!

l have to tell Macy.

Tim, do not call Macy.

l need...
l don't have
any clothes.

(GROANS LOUDLY)
Tim, calm down.

l can't.
l can't live
like this.

l'm not like you.

Tim...

l'm sorry.

Don't...

Hey, Tim.

She's not that pretty
and she smokes.

Tim?

I made Iove to
a woman, Macy.

(CRYlNG) Her name is Joan.
She's from Omaha, Nebraska

and her mouth
tastes like cigarettes.

You slept
with someone?

lt was a mistake.
You mean
everything to me.

l can't believe you.

You really slept
with someone?

Will you marry me?

What?

Will you marry me,
please?

Just don't leave.
l'll do anything.

Tim, slow down.

PIease, Iet's get
married right away.
Whoa.

(SlGHS) Listen,
l've been trying
to tell you this,

but you seem
to have a hard time
grasping it, okay?

I was married
for haIf my Iife.

l've been divorced
for all of six months.
l wanna enjoy my freedom.

What?

Like, is there
someone else?

Well, l wouldn't
put it that way.

l mean,
there's no one person
in particular, no.

What do you mean,
"No one person"?
There's people?

Like, plural, people?

Not a lot,
l mean, just a few.

(GASPS)

l'm dying.

Tim...
(SOBBlNG) l'm dying.

Pull yourself together.

l can't...
l literally can't breathe.
l literally can't breathe.

Tim...
(GRUNTS)

(SHUSHlNG) Tim...
I can't breathe.

Timmy...

Yeah, yes?

You know that bird
you gave me?

What kind of
bird was it?

Scarlet tanager.

And what kind of
sound did it make?

Come on,
you remember.

(lMlTATES BlRD SOUNDS)

That's right.
Very good.

And do you remember
what we learned about

when the baby birds
are born?

When the mommy
decides it's time
for them to Ieave home?

What does she do?

She nudges them
out of the nest.

That's right.

But the mommy bird
knows that even though
the babies are scared,

it's time for them
to fly away.

So, even though
your heart hurts
very, very much,

I think it's for the best.
It's time for you
to fIy away, Tim.

Bye-bye,
little birdie Tim.

Bye-bye.

Bye, bye-bye.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

l love you.

Yeah,
you better love me

if you're gonna fuck me
in the poop shoot
the way you done.

Bill?
Orin HeIgesson toId me

about your little hootenanny
in the pool there, Tim.

What are you thinking?

You add that to
the goddamn petition,

may as well commit
suicide here.

Father of the bride.

Yeah, l'll be
right there.

l can fix it, Bill.
Just tell me what to do.

Oh, what to do.

You can win the Two Diamonds.
That's what you do, Tim.

Or so help me, Jesus God,
you won't have a job,
you won't have a life.

All you'll have is
my fist up your ass

and believe you me,
that's something
neither of us wants.

Bill, pIease,
just Iisten to me
for a minute...

Ah ! Cripes almighty.
Worst day of my life.

Hey,
(CLEARS THROAT)
sorry, folks.

Oh, you look
so beautiful, Kim.

You look like a flower.

MAN: Smile, father.

A gosh dang flower.

l'm dead.

Macy broke up with me,
Orin called Bill,
l'm gonna lose my job.

My life is ruined.

Sit down.

Your life is
not ruined, Lippe.

Now, l swore
l would never tell.
l promised.

Roger Lemke,

l know
how he won the Diamonds
all those years in a row.

Yeah, he knocked it
out of the park.

He paid for them.

He paid Orin cash
in exchange for
the Two Diamonds.

(SCOFFS)

That's not...

That's not true.
lt is.

He told me himself.
Roger told me.

Really? Why,
he just told you that?

That's the
stupidest thing
l've ever heard.

Why would he
tell you that?

We were together.

lt was stupid.

lt ended two years ago,
'cause he was getting into
some pretty weird stuff,

as we all know now.
No.

Roger was a good man.

He was a family man,
and that was an accident.

Roger was a freak.

Not to mention
a small minded,
egotistical con artist.

He was a liar, Tim.

And, yes, he paid
for the Two Diamonds.

My foot!

l'm sure you seduced him,
just like you did me.

You ruined my life.

Are you fucking
kidding me?

l am trying to
help you out

and you are acting
like a child.

Well, l'd rather
act like a child
than a prostitute.

Timbo, red bush?

Deanzie needs details.

Lay off.

What the...
What are you doing?

Timbo, what the hell's
wrong with you, Timbo?

What are you doing?
Ow!

(LAUGHS)

Ow!
Titty twister!

Why are you laughing?

You think my life
is a joke?

l lost my job
and my lover

and my hero paid bribes
to win the Two Diamonds.

What did you just say?

Lemke bought
the Two Diamonds?

You're saying
Lemke paid off Orin?

No, Dean,
you can't say anything.

You can't...
Oh, my God.

Dean, please.

That holy rolling
hypocrite. l love it.

Timbo,
this is pure gold.

Please don't.

All right, listen.
We look like a couple
of homos out here.

Let's go in the room
and discuss this
like gentlemen,

over Bloody Mary's.

You're freaking out.
Your world is crumbling.

lt's your first ASMl.

l get it.

Here.

Welcome to the jungle,
Timbo.

Now, my ex, Patti,

well-established fact
that this broad

is a serious cunt stain,
am l right?

But she's got it
to where the kids
hate my guts.

l'm the bad guy.

Except, when our
1 7-year-old daughter
comes home pregnant,

who's the one
who's so depressed

she can't come out
from under the afghan
on the goddamn couch?

Patti. And who's the one
who's planning the baby shower

and taking Meg
to the gyno
and all that shit?

The fucking Deanzie.

What are you
talking about?

What l'm talking
about, Tim,

is, even though
l may be a blowhard

and, let's face it,
kind of a jagoff,

l'm there for the people
that need me.

And l don't spill
my friends' beans.

Now, tell me this.

Are we friends?

Yeah.

Did you feel that?

Something just
happened right now.

Now, you're with Deanzie,

and l'm not letting go.

And believe me,
l would love to expose

Orin Helgesson's
hypocritical bullshit.

But if you're asking
me not to, l won't,
because you're my friend.

Thank you.

Now you see how dark
this place is.

All right,
l got tiger scratches
on my back

from 20 years
in this business.

Let me tell
you something.

lf you wanna survive,

you either gotta
fight the tiger

or you gotta dance
with the tiger.

Like Roger did.

How do you make
the tiger dance?

You gotta show him
a little teat.

How'd it go
with Helgesson,
big guy?

l think l did
a fair to middling job.

Oh, Tim, don't forget,

your one-on-one with Orin
starts in 1 0 minutes.

President Helgesson.

Come in.
Have a seat
on the davenport.

President Helgesson,
what l'd like to
talk to you about today

are risk
mitigation mechanisms
available to...

You came down here
to the big show, Tim,

and you got
the little twinklies
in the eye,

and you succumbed to
the call of a floozy.

l just want to say
l'm really sorry

for my role in
the malfeasance
in the pool.

You blew it, Tim.
You blew it.

l need the Two Diamonds.

Well, you should
have thought of that

before you took off
your big boy pants.

No, no.

Please, just...

All right,
now you take a minute
to compose yourself

and then
l'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.

l'm prepared to
show you a little teat.

Will you dance with me,
President Helgesson?

Do you wanna...

We can dance.

Tim...
l have money.

l can give you money.

(CHUCKLES)

lnteresting.

You know, Tim,
one thing that
Roger knew.

Roger knew that
if you want to win, you...

l like the way
you put it,

you have to be prepared
to show a little teat.

lt's a $50
traveler's check.
lt's fully insured.

Well, so it is.
So it is.

What else you got
hiding in there?

l brought $1 ,500
in checks

in case of
an emergency.

Well, this sure seems
like an emergency to me.

Congratulations,
Mr. Two Diamond
Award winner.

Looks like l just found
the next Roger Lemke.

You remember that
petition to recall

BrownStar's
Two Diamond Awards?

l just made
that disappear.

Poof! Gone.
Rainmaker.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

BREE: Hey,
can l bum a heater?

Yeah.

So, you wanna party?

Maybe.

Maybe later?
Maybe later.

All right,
l'll be around.

Hey, can
l bum a heater?

All right.

Hey, butterscotch.

You look like
you're in serious need
of some relaxation.

Yeah.

That's okay,
l don't have
any money anyway.

No, no, no,
l didn't mean that.

l'm going to a party
at my Uncle Ken's house.
You should come.

l don't know, Bree.
l did something today
l don't feel very good about.

l do that,
like, every day.

How could l do that?

You know, it seems like
your subconscious is all,
like, talking shit.

Like, "Fuck you, man."
You know?

Yeah, l just...
l'm a criminal now.

l mean, that was
a criminal act.

lt's kind of like,
you can't keep
your emotions

in these little cages
like little animals,
you know,

like coyotes
and armadillos
and shit.

lt's like,
they just want to break free.
Right, Uncle Ken?

Yeah. Pass me
that Q, Bree.

Whoa.

ls that...

You...
Wait, you can't...

l don't know,
is that safe?

This would be marijuana,
l take it?

(LAUGHlNG)

lt'll make you
feel better.

Suck the glass dick, dude.

lt's not...

Suck that
fucking dick, man.

(EXCLAlMS)

Oh, jeez.

(SHOUTlNG)

Yeah !
Yeah !

Butterscotch lit up.

(BREE SHRlEKS)

TIM: lt's so pretty
out here.

Hey, you're getting fat.
Fuck your mom.

What?
Fuck wad.

Everyone's cool.
l promise, man.

(LAUGHS) Hey,
nice suit, faggot.

Leave him alone, Gary.

Fuck you, whore.

Hey, that's not
very cool.

Yes, it was.
lt was pretty cool.

Suck the shit out
of my cock, Gary.

Okay,
let's schedule that.

There we go.
Magic's happening.
Okay.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oh, my God.

Danny?
Danny isn't here,
Mrs. Torrance.

Danny's gone away.
But, here's Johnny.

(CROWD LAUGH)

And a shining
good evening...
Where is Timbo?

This is weird.
l wanna know what happened
at that one-on-one today.

Since when did you care
about stuff like that,
Ziegler?

Let's just say
l'm worried.
All right?

Yeah, l'm a little
worried myself.

He was really
pissed at me
this morning.

Oh, l know. Believe me.

We talk about everything.
He's practically my
best friend at this point.

You just met him
two days ago.

You know what,
blow me, Ronald.

lt's not my problem
if you're too
goddamn afraid

to tell another man
that you love him.

What is his
cell phone number?

l don't know.
l don't have it.

l've got it.

Here, no, no, no.
l'll talk to him.
l'll talk to him.

He's not gonna
recognize your voice.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Timbo,
you're missing the show.

Deanzie!

l miss you.
l miss your smile.

Yeah, yeah,
l miss your smile, too.
What are you doing?

l'm high on drugs.

I'm a 1 1 0% bIotto.

Where are you, buddy?
l'll come meet you
right now.

You wanna party,
Deanzie?

Yeah, you know me.

Good.

Bree, Deanzie
wants to party.

BREE: Yeah!

How does he get here?

l used to worship
these guys.

l thought
they were like,
terrific

and important
and like...

(SNlFFS)

And like, they were
good to other people
and they did the right thing

and they were special
like the Founding Fathers
of America.

Like Thomas Jefferson.

Yes! NTS.

Bree, not too shabby.

Ron...
What?

ls there something
wrong with your van?

No, there's nothing
wrong with the van.

Why is it
going so slow?

RONALD: l don't
wanna mess around
and get a ticket.

ZlEGLER: Ron,
the car's gonna stall

if you go any
slower than this.

JOAN: Look, there's a turtle,
that's going faster than us.

Where?
ZlEGLER:
She's kidding, Ron.

JOAN: There he is.

You're smart.
You are.

And you're pretty,
and you're sweet,
and you're insightful.

You're insightful.
Like a guidance counselor.

(LAUGHlNG)

And your smile,
just then,
when you do that.

Don't do that
'cause it makes me,
like, happy. Too happy.

And you don't have to do
those things that you do
with, like, strangers.

You're good,
and you don't need
to do that.

You're so sweet, Tim.

But, you know,
we're all just
selling something.

A fuck, dope,
insurance.

What about that guy
you had to bribe for
that award or whatever?

lt's like we're all
just selling something.

l know,
and it's a major bummer.
You just bummed me out.

What you said
just bummed me out.

l'm so bummed out
right now.

(LAUGHlNG)

l'm so bummed out.

Oh, man.
This place is bad news.

All right, look.
You guys go in
the front door,

l'm gonna go
around back.

Sounds good, Rambo.

Do you know what
an RlP license app is?

You don't, do you?
You don't even know.

You're probably uninsured.
You have it all figured out.

l bet you don't even
have a toothbrush.

Come on, Tim, don't.

What?

Hey!

We don't want any trouble.
We're just here
to get our friend.

l got a fucking
toothbrush.

(CROWD EXCLAlMlNG)

BREE: That's enough.

Gary, he's cool.
l said he's cool.

TIM: Don't do that
to Bree.

Don't push !
Don't push Bree.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
Can we help you?

Yeah, maybe you can.
l'm looking for
a friend of mine.

He's a skinny guy,
wearing a suit and tie.
Have you seen him?

(LAUGHlNG)

Eat me, cop.

l'm not a cop,
Joan Jett.

So, clean out your ears
and tell me...
You know what, man,

what's your fucking
problem? Really?
l don't have a problem.

Look, l'm just
asking a question.

You want
a little piece
of this?

No, l don't... Ow!

No, stop!
Okay, that's enough.

Hey, stop!

MAN 1 : Here, grab my hand.
MAN 2: Grab his hand !

MAN 1 : Grab my hand.
l'm trying to help you up.
Grab my hand.

MAN 2:
Let him help you.

What are we gonna do?

(MEN EXCLAlMlNG)

Come on.

Come on?

Hey. Hey, Hey!

MAN 3:
Who's this motherfucker?

l may look like
some suit wearing
businessman to y'all,

truth is,
l'm straight up gangster.

And l always keep
one in the chamber
in case you pondering.

So, l suggest
for the time being,

you let my nigger be,
motherfucker.

Come on. Get up.

lndeed.

Timbo!

What about Ziegler?

Ziegler will be coming.
Just start the car.

Bye, butterscotch.

See you tomorrow.

Butterscotch,
come back. Come on.

Just go back inside.

Here, here, here.
Take a beer for the road.

There he is,
there he is. Stop.

Don't stop.
Don't stop.

l'll catch up.

JOAN: Just go slowly.
GlRL: Where you going?

l thought you were gonna
kick the shit out of us?

No, no.

Come on, faggot.
We're just getting
to know you, bro.

Hey, wait,
wait up for me, wait.

Bree, what are you doing?
Bree, get back here.

Who are you?
l'm friends
with that dude.

You're friends
with Timbo?
Yeah. Fuck, yeah !

l'm his best friend.
Get in there.

Move. Hit it, Ronimal.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

My God, you guys.

You know her?
Yeah.

Yeah, you know me.
She's my friend.

Yes, l've been...
'Cause she's like,
"He's my friend."

l was like,
"Yeah, he's my friend.

"Get in the van."
What are we doing here?

Timbo, what the hell
happened back there?

l don't know.
l was on the floor
getting kicked,

and then l looked up
and Ronald was like,

talking like
a ghetto person.
He was.

l don't like to brag,
but l do a pretty
convincing Omar

from the HBO program
The Wire.

"At least those
crackers back yonder
seemed to buy it."

l love it. Crackers.

That's exactly like
they say it, Ronimal.

Put them up.
That's incredible.

Watch this guy,
he's got tricks.
l'm telling you.

Good night.
Good night.

Bree!
No, Tim.

Why don't you
come back with me?

Oh, no,
that's not gonna happen.

BREE: Thanks for
being so cool.

l love you.

Jesus.

l love you, too.

(CRYlNG)
l love you so much.

(BOTH MOANlNG)

You could fuck me
in the ass if you want.

Oh, no. Okay.

Maybe another
time, Timbo.

l have heard
about that.

Good night.
l wanna do that.

Bye-bye.
Wait.

Night-night, Tim.
Bree.

This is
a great place you got.
We gotta hit the road.

TIM: Her eyes are
like round oceans.
ZlEGLER: Yeah.

TIM: And her freckles.

But she's a prostitute
and l sold my soul
a little.

ZlEGLER:
All right, Timbo.
Just keep it down.

Bree sells her body,

but l sold my soul.

Okay.
Why don't you guys
get some sleep.

l'll stay up with him
and make sure he doesn't
chew his arm off.

Listen,
whatever you did, buddy,
you had to do,

and l ain't saying squat.

l sold my soul, Dean.

l know, l know.

Okay, lie down.

(SlNGlNG) You promised to
bring me a pocket of posies

You promised to bring me
a pocket of posies

Johnny's so Iong
at the fair

Oh, dear!
What can the matter be?

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh, dear!
What can the matter be?

Johnny's so Iong
at the fair

Joan, l'm sorry
l called you a prostitute.
You're not a prostitute. l am.

You're just
a really nice lady.

(SHUSHlNG) lt's okay.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Bill?
Hey, Ron.

Bill? What are
you doing here?

Hey, Tim.

Joan.

The Kroger. l love it.

Ziegler, Jesus.
What the hell is this?

Some kind of
goddamn pajama party
or something?

No, it's a circle
jerk, Bill.

Drop your pants
and grab some lube.

Oh, that's nice.
No, l'm here to give some
good news to someone.

Orin called me.
He tipped me off,

l don't know
how the hell
you did it,

but we won.

And, well,
it's the darndest thing,

it seems like winning
four awards in a row

has made us look
pretty attractive
to certain folks.

Mike Pyle is buying
BrownStar.

You're selling?

That's why
l drove down here.

Gonna sign the contracts
in the morning.

Boy, it's a super
deal, too. Super.

Only snag is,
and you gotta know,

l fought like
a goddamn wild cat
on this.

Pyle is shutting down
the Brown Valley office.

What?

No, don't worry about it.
l got Pyle to fold you
in to the Milwaukee office.

Bill...

No, stop it.
Do not thank me.

Do not thank me.
You earned it. You earned it.
lt was all you.

Tell you what,
why don't you get some sleep
and we'll talk in the a.m.

Does that sound good to you?
That's what we'll do.

All right. Ron.

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(RlNGlNG)

Hello?

Hey, Kurt Gambsky,
it's Tim Lippe.

Hey. lt's Tim Lippe.

l am awful sorry to
bother you at this hour,

but, Kurt, l have to
ask you something.

RONALD: l'm sorry
to call you so Iate.

l'm calling on behalf
of Tim Lippe.

Oh, Tim Lippe, yes.
Go ahead.

I'm not selling anything,

l just wanna explain
something to you
for two minutes.

Do you have
two minutes?

Of course.

Well, he certainIy
vaIues you as a customer
and I was just wondering,

if he needed to
reach out to you,

would you be willing
to help him out?

You bet. Tim rocks.

Here we go.

It is my priviIege
to announce
the Two Diamond winner,

our friends from
BrownStar Insurance,

Bill Krogstad,
I see you there.
Come on, come on.

Front row,
he's in the front row.
Let's hear it for him.

Oh, man, this is great.
Thanks, Orin.

This is so great.

I think this is kind of
a bittersweet honor, folks,

because,
after 25-pIus years,

I'm gonna be
selling BrownStar.

Yeah, to this son
of a gun right here,
Mike PyIe.

Let's hear it for him.
Come on up here, Mike.

Bill and I wanted to
take this opportunity

to finally put
pen to paper
on our deaI.

Guys,
hold on a minute.

Tim Lippe, everyone.

Hi, everyone.

As you just heard,
Mike PyIe wants
to buy BrownStar,

but onIy
if it's a Two Diamond
rated agency.

And for good reason,
because the Two Diamond Award

Which is why
it might surprise you
to find out

what I actually did
to win this award.

I went into
my one-on-one session
with Orin

in the Tiffany Suite,

and we engaged
in a fiIthy act

of which I am
totally ashamed.

I let Orin inside of me,

where he tainted
the most sacred
and speciaI part of me.

(PEOPLE MURMURlNG)

Of course,
I'm taIking about
my integrity,

(ALL SlGH lN RELlEF)

which I thought
was priceIess,

but turns out
it's onIy worth $1 ,500

because that's
what I paid Orin
to get this award.

(LAUGHS)
Tim, l think there's
some mistake here.

No mistake.

No, l think
l have receipts
for the back dues.

You can't hide
from the truth, Orin.

When I got to
Cedar Rapids,

I was scared
and I trusted
the wrong peopIe.

I thought,
because I was from
a small town,

I couIdn't think
for myseIf.

Boy, was that a mistake.

ASMI deserves an award
that actually stands
for something,

and I just hope
that by the time
I come back next year,

maybe I will have
shown you that

I really understand
what that means again.

I'm really sorry.

Hey, Bill, the award
was part of the deal.
l know that.

This is a problem.
We got a real mess here.

BlLL:
Nothing l can't change.

You don't have the award.
A deal is a deal.

lt's right there.
You just saw him
give it to me.

What are you
talking about?
This is a no go.

This is a no go.

l'm proud of you, Tim.

That was
the right thing to do.

Lippe,
you freaking
goofy bastard.

After all l did for you,
how dare you?

You fucked up
a great deal.

No, that
wasn't a good deal.
lt was a dirty deal.

You lied.
Sold us down the river.

And you know what?
l've had enough of it.

l called a bunch of
my clients last night.
They all said the same thing.

They said they trust me,
and they want to
stick by me,

and l wanna
stick by them.

l'm gonna try to
make a go of this
on my own in Brown Valley.

You listen to me, kid.

This is my company
and l'm selling it.

All right, well,
you'll have to do it
without my clients.

l've already got 1 7 of them
committed to me in writing.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah? Really?
We'll see about that.

lt's squeaky clean, Bill.
l've got the faxes right here.

Son of a bitch !

You did it.

That's fighting
the tiger.

Wow.
Right there.

Let's get this guy
a cream sherry,
tout de suite.

Way to stand them down.

TIM: l feel like
l'm gonna throw up.

ZlEGLER:
That was awesome.

Here you are,
Mr. Lippe.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

l don't know.
l'm too doggone tired
to answer the door.

(LAUGHlNG)

l love it.
Classic Ronimal.
Almost not a joke.

l'll tell you what, guys.

My cousin Bob,
who is loaded
by the way,

has a cottage in
Lake of the Woods
in Canada.

This summer,
the three of us.
What do you say?

More time in
a tightly enclosed space
with Ziegler.

Sign me up.

l think it sounds
like an awesome idea.

Actually, the Ronimal
could use a vacation.

Done and done.

Give me some sugar.

Oh !

Come on, Timbo.
l love you, pal.

There she is.
The belle of the ball.

Until the next ASMl,
my dear.

Bye, Deanzie.

Stay foxy.

Call you tomorrow,
Timbo.

Bye, Ron.
Bye-bye.

See you, Ronimal.
Bye.

So, you keep in touch.

E-mail,
all that good stuff.

Yeah, l will.
Of course.

Thanks, lnsurance Man.

For what?

For a good time.

Oh, hey, you.

Jeez, what happened?

Well, let's see.

l got beat up,
and l got completely blotto
on drugs and alcohol,

and l befriended
a prostitute.

lt was awesome.

Well, l guess
someone deserves two bags
of honey roasted peanuts.

Wow, thanks, Sherri.

You bet.
See you next time.

Two bags.

Awesome.

Why did the psychoanalyst
prescribe anxiety drugs
to the anxious doctor?

l don't know.

Because he had
no patience.

(LAUGHlNG)

Okay. Ouch !
Okay.

That was painful.

Okay, what's
brown and sticky?

l don't know.
What?

A stick.

What do you call
an anorexic with
a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder
with cheese.

Oh, man.
That's gross.

That's terrible, man.

Yes, you can.

No, you can't.
l've heard...

No, it's not
a wives tale.
You can.

No, you can't
really do that.

The flame would go up
into your bottom and...

No, no, listen.

...blow you up
or something.
You know what?

l got one in
the chamber right now.
l got one right now.

(SCREAMS)
Oh, my gosh.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

ZlEGLER: lt went back up
there a little bit.

Hi, l'm Dean Ziegler.

Hi, l'm Ronald Wilkes.

And l'm Tim Lippe.

There are a lot of
risks out there today.

Which is why
you need insurance
from the best.

lf you live
in Wisconsin
or Minnesota,

Top Notch Mutual
has your insurance
needs covered.

Because,
no matter what happens...

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

Don't worry, little girl.

We got you.
We got you.

Remember,
call anytime...

Day or night.
Because no matter what...

(SCREAMS)

We got you.
We got you.

(BREAK MY STRIDE PLAYING)

Last night I had
the strangest dream

I saiIed away to China
In a IittIe row boat
to find ya

And you said you had to get
your Iaundry cIeaned

Didn't want
no one to hoId you

What does that mean?
And you said...

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and
I won't touch ground
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

You're on the road
and now you pray it Iasts

The road behind was rocky,
but now you're feeIin' cocky

You Iook at me
and you see your past

Is that the reason
why you're runnin' so fast

Never Iet
another girI Iike you

Work me over

Never Iet
another girI Iike you

Drag me under

If I meet
another girI Iike you

I will tell her

Never want
another girI Iike you

Have to say, oh

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and
I won't touch ground
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down
Oh, no

I've got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride

I'm runnin' and
I won't touch ground
Oh, no

...:::: SiliconChip ::::...
Cedar Rapids [2011]