Cecil B. Demented (2000) - full transcript

"Some kind of happiness."

H-a-p-p-i-- good, one "n."

"Honey whitlock."

W-h-i-t-- good, good.

That's good.

Try moving a little more
to the right, sinclair.

Is that better,
Mr. Stillings ?

Yeah. Yeah,
that's all right.

But try moving the "n"
a little more to the right.

Hmm.

- Have you met
miss whitlock yet ?
- Not till tonight.



But don't worry, sinclair.
I'll introduce you.

You promise ?
I'd kill to meet her.

Ohh, what a town.

You know, I tell
everybody in Hollywood...

That if you want to shoot on location in Baltimore,

you really don't need to bring
a crew from Los Angeles.

Because Baltimore really is best.

And remember, miss whitlock...

Is every inch a movie star,

and she expects to be onstage at 7:10 P.M. exactly...

In order to ensure live coverage...

From each of the three local news shows.

Oh, by the way,

I hear she's really a nice person.



Look at this dump of a town.

Get me the fuck back to L.A.

God, if one more asshole
mentions a crab cake to me,
I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, did you try
the steamed crabs ?

I'm not interested in any kind
of meal that you have to beat
with a fucking mallet,

wearing some stupid
kind of little bib.

Just a minute !

While families of mutants
gawk in my face.

No, thank you.

Hi.

Your limousine
is here, miss whitlock.
You look beautiful.

Well, thank you,
Charles, darling.
I'm so excited.

We'll be right with you.

Libby, do you think
that pat Nixon got fucked
in this hotel room ?

What ?

It is called
the presidential suite,
isn't it ?

Yes, but--

I bet she did.
Call the manager and ask him.

I can't ask that.

Pat Nixon
was a stroke victim.

I believe it is your job
to ask, is it not ?

Now, call downstairs
and ask the manager...

If pat Nixon got fucked
in my hotel room.

I want to know.

Yes, miss whitlock.

6:41 P.M.

A star is born.

Ten-four, petie.

Christ, Lyle. Look !
There's what's-her-name
from e! Network.

Would you look
at the tits on her !

6:43 P.M.

♪♪

The hotel manager said no.
Pat Nixon never stayed here.

But Nancy Reagan did
in 1986.You actually asked him ?

Y-You said
to call downstairs.

You asked the hotel manager if
pat Nixon had sex in my room ?

Well, sort of. I-I thought
you needed to know.

I was kidding, Libby !

He must think you're
a complete lunatic.

Good god, you
would do anything.

Good luck, miss whitlock.

Excuse me.
Did you hear what that
little bitch just said to me ?

- She didn't know.
- In show business,

we say "break a leg,"
never fucking "good luck" !

You know,
that little cocksucker just put
a curse on my goddamn premiere.

Is every person
in the world an asshole ?

6:42.oh, that's nice.

♪♪

6:44 P.M.
by whatever means necessary.

Two popcorns, please.Butter or plain ?

Honey whitlock !

There she is.
You better get a shot.

Over there !miss whitlock, what an honor.

Mayor fenwick !

6:46 P.M. in the name
of underground cinema.

I have to tell you
that I just love what you've
done with the city.

And Baltimore
loves you back.

I, Adam fenwick, mayor
of the city of Baltimore,

do hereby proclaim
October 29...

To be honey whitlock day
in Baltimore...

And do command this observation
to all of our citizens.

Whereas--

6:47 P.M.

Hey, hey, m.P.A.A., how many
movies did you censor today ?

What's the matter,
miss whitlock ?

A white fucking limousine !

Nobody'll know.
We're in Baltimore.

Do I look like liberace's
goddamn boyfriend,
for Christ's sake ?

I have "black limousine
only" in my contract.

The charity probably
made the arrangements.
It was an honest mistake.

Do I look like
a coke dealer ?no, miss whitlock.

Do I look like I am going
to the fucking prom ?

Break a leg,
miss whitlock.

Here you go, sir.

Uh, miss whitlock,
security's gonna have my ass
if we're late. We gotta go.

Do not say "ass" to me,
trailer trash.

I will have you fired.

Now, you're with the studio,
is that correct ?

Yes. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Let me get that for you.

Got it right here.
Yeah. Here you go.

I'm so sorry. Here,
these first two right there.
Okay, enjoy the show.

Yeah, 6:48 P.M. an Usher's
job is never done.

Put down the flashlight,
pick up the gun.

Some kind of happiness
is, you know, a screwball
romantic comedy.

It's life-affirming but realistic, and, well, to be honest,

with all the misery that
goes on in the world today,

couldn't we use a little
optimism in the movies ?

6:50 P.M.
fuck the studio system !

Tickets, please.

The heart fund's
a wonderful cause.
Thanks for your support.

You're welcome.

7:01 P.M.
inch by motherfucking inch.

Yes, sir ?two for henman.

Why don't you just
sit right there ?

7:02 P.M.

When the word is given,
we will seize the cinema.

Hey, come back !
Give me an autograph !

7:06 P.M.
the big snatch.

Good evening, miss whitlock,

and welcome to the historic
senator theater.

Thank you.

Enjoy the show.Thank you.

Good evening.
I'm Sylvia Mallory,

the chairman of the
Baltimore heart fund,

and this is William.

He's so cute.

William had heart surgery
just seven days ago.

And thanks to the blood
transfusions paid for
by your generosity...

At tonight's premiere,
he's going to be all right.

Aren't you, William ?

I don't wanna be here !

William's a little grumpy.

Get off of me, ugly !

But he's alive,
and that's what counts.

Miss whitlock ! Miss whitlock !

Miss whitlock, please !

What ?

Channel 45 here. Can I ask you a couple questions ?

And now for the moment
you've all been waiting for.

You first saw honey whitlock
on the screen--

you guys have
reserved seats.Thank you.

7:09 P.M. honey whitlock,
welcome to film hell.

And from then on, hit after hit.7:09 P.M. and 30 seconds.

The big hurt.Watch it, you little fucker !

Her Oscar-nominated performance
in forced entry.

And tonight, some kind of happiness.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

a big Baltimore welcome
for miss honey whitlock.

♪♪

Thank you, thank you.
You're so kind.

Um, I just wanted to say
that I hope you enjoy
the movie, and I just--

I love you, Baltimore.
I really do.

I am Cecil b. Demented, and
this is a fucking kidnapping !

Get down, everybody !

♪♪

Son of a bitch !

Keep moving !

Help ! Hey !

Women in film !all right, sister !

Hey, she's got
photo approval !

Honey ! Honey !

Help me !get out !
Premiere's over !

Come on, you guys !
Come on, come on !

Yeah ! Yeah !

Drop your weapon !

Get down !

Help ! Call the studio !
Call Jack valenti !

Help me, somebody !get in the trunk !

Shut up !
Get in there !no ! No ! No !

Get in there !oh, shit ! Oh ! No !

Get in there ! Rodney, come on ! Let's go !

Power to the people
who punish bad cinema !

Help !

♪ Bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ I'm sorry, shorty
it's business ♪

♪ 'cause this is how we live this
this business is hard ♪

♪ without a star, kid yeah, you all that ♪

♪ but you won't be receiving no callbacks ♪

♪ or getting money in tall stacks ♪

♪ we gotcha, and we gonna use your face proper ♪

♪ bitch, you can forget about an Oscar ♪

♪ and shrimp and lobster

♪ hopin' we could get ya

♪ to come here and open our picture ♪

♪ you all alone with the cine-niggas
fuck the private trailer ♪

♪ dance lessons with Irene Cara, it's flagrant
we using your name trick ♪

♪ discuss gross points with your agent ♪

♪ 'cause from us you ain't gettin' shit ♪

♪ bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ she's a bankable bitch
we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ she's a bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪

♪ she's a bankable bitch we don't need no pitch ♪♪

Hello, miss whitlock.

I am Cecil b. Demented,
and I'm your new director.

I'd like you to meet
your co-stars.

I call them
the sprocket holes.
This is Cherish.

Hi. I played you
in lots of porno movies.

Some kind of happiness--
I've already shot it,

only it's called
some kind of horniness.

That's all behind me. I'm an outlaw cinema girl now.

- Lyle.
- Hi. I'm Lyle.

I'm your leading man.

I've had a boner for you
for years.

Don't worry. We've all taken a vow of celibacy for celluloid.

No one gets laid
until we've finished our movie.

We're horny...

But our film comes first.

And now for the crew.

I'm Pam.

I'm director of photography,
and you better hit your Mark.

And remember,
speak up, bitch !

I'm chardonnay,
and I do the sound.

I'm Lewis, the art director,
and I hope you dig it here.

'Cause you ain't goin'
nowhere else.

I'm fidget, the costumer.

Sorry. I gotta
give you a new look.

Hi.

I'm raven. I'm a satanist,
and I'll be doing your makeup.

Oh, my god,
you look so pale.

Sorry...

But Satan says
you need more color.

Call me Rodney.

Tomorrow, I'm bleaching
your hair out platinum.

And I should warn you.

I hate fucking roots !

Hey, remember me ? I'm petie. I'll be your driver.

♪♪ I'll take you anywhere.

Anywhere but home.

I'm dinah,
Cecil's producer.

And I do everything.

I've been knocking down money
from every big Hollywood hit...

For years just to pay
for this equipment !

So fuck with me, sister,
and you're dead !

We made the news.

So once again, our top story:
Sylvia Mallory,

the 52-year-old chairwoman of the Baltimore heart fund,

died tonight
at union memorial hospital...

Following an onstage heart attack she suffered...

In the middle of honey whitlock's kidnapping at tonight's movie premiere.

The teenage gang
of cinema terrorists...

Who apparently
infiltrated the staff
of the senator theater...

Are now eligible
for the death penalty
in the state of Maryland.

None of them have been
apprehended.

We're gonna make our
first film, miss whitlock,
and nobody's gonna stop us.

Lots of kids dream
of making a movie,

but only the ones willing
to die for it succeed.

♪♪

Ow ! Ow ! Ow !
Ow ! Ow !

I don't wanna be blonde !

You're going off the deep end
of the clairol color chart.

Ow ! It is burning
my scalp !

Hey, beauty
comes from agony.

Everybody knows that.

I haven't had this much fun
since my last livestock
mutilation.

Ouch !
That really hurts !

In the house of pain,
there are 10,000 shrines.

Allistair crowley said that.

Let's wash her out.

No, no. Please let me go.
I won't tell anybody
about your little movie.

Little ?

Well, I didn't mean little.
I meant, like, low budget,
like cult.

Good morning,
miss whitlock.
Know your lines ?

Please, Mr. Demento--
is that correct ?

Demented !

You have the wrong star
for this movie.

Nonsense, miss whitlock.
I wrote the part
just for you.

And the whole world
is watching.

Not even your agent
can help you now.

Finish her hair !

Ow ! Ow, ow !
It's burning my scalp !

Ow ! Shit !shut up !

I hate these fucking things.
Damn security devices !

Fidget, fidget,
my little genius fidget.

- Ow !
- Please take off your clothes.

What ?

I said take off your clothes.

You heard me. Don't be a prude.

Come on, strip !oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah, take 'em off.

Um...

Do I have a dressing room
or a trailer ?

Miss whitlock,
we're on a schedule.

They're not allowed
any form of sexual release.

Screen actors guild
is gonna hear about this,
and I mean it. God !

Look at that ass ! Goddamn !

Nice vessel.

- I see London.
- I see France.

I see honey's underpants.

Oh, my god !
I look terrible !

All right ! All right !
You're wanted on set.

This is sprocket house,
miss whitlock.

Think of it as your studio.

Morning.

Can't you even say
good morning to Lewis ?

He's worked
very hard on this set
with a budget of zero.

Morning.all these materials...

Were stolen
from city-owned construction
sites, just for you.

See, we gonna have us
a hit, miss whitlock.

Now, our picture
is called raving beauty.

You play the insane owner
of a failed art theater...

Who, along with her film
fanatic boyfriend Lyle--

Lyle, come on over.

And her violence-prone
daughter Cherish--

daughter ?

Together,
the three of you vow...

To start a revolution
to destroy mainstream cinema.

I can't be in this movie.

You dare to tell
Cecil b. Demented
you refuse ?

I am too young
to play her mother.

I know how old you are.

All right, well,
I just don't feel it.

I just am not motivated.How's this
for motivation, huh ?

Ow !

There are no
creative differences on
a Cecil b. Demented set.

You got that ?

One day you'll thank me
for saving you from your
bad career. Places !

All right,
walk-through rehearsal.

Come on, you heard him.
This ain't Hollywood.

Hey, honey,
you want some ecstasy ?

No.

And... action.

Hey, Cherish, it's 8:00.

Is it time to get this show
on the screen or what ?

We didn't sell
one ticket, Lyle.
Nobody came.

What ? Pasolini's playing,
and we have an empty theater ?

"It's that fucking new multiplex
that opened in the mall."

I heard they were sold out
last night, mom.

No, not for the flintstones
sequel !

"Somebody's got to pay
for this insult."

Oh, god !

"From the empty seats
of every good movie theater
in america...

"We will rise up to take back the screen.

Death to those who support
mainstream cinema."

Do you see the pain your
performance is causing me, huh !

Okay, yes, I do.
Fine, I'll do it.

Okay ?
Let's just shoot it. Fine !

All right, places ! Pam !

Picture's up !
Camera rolling !

Speed.mark it !

And... action !

Hey, Cherish, it's 8:00.

Is it time to get this show
on the screen or what ?

We didn't sell one ticket, Lyle.
Nobody came.

What ? Pasolini's playing, and we have an empty theater ?

It's that fucking new
multiplex that opened
in the mall, isn't it ?

I heard they were sold out last night, mom.

No, not for the flintstones
sequel.

Somebody's gotta pay
for this insult.

From the empty seats of every good movie theater in america...

We will rise up
to take back the screen.

Death to those who support
mainstream cinema !

Cut ! And print it !

That's more like it,
miss whitlock.

Yeah ! Yeah !

But, you know,
to be frank, Cecil--

I mean, in my real
film life, I would never
make this movie.

I mean, the message
is absolutely ridiculous.

Ask theater owners
in any country,

and they will tell you
that Hollywood makes
the best films in the world,

and I am proud to be
a part of that system.

Let's move on.

Well, wait a minute.
No coverage ?

The first take
is the only real truth.

But you can't cut a film
with just a master.

There are no rules
in outlaw cinema, miss whitlock.
Only edges.

We believe technique to be
nothing more than failed style.

You see,
I've had a vision.

And that vision is called
ultimate reality !

The rest of our film is shot
in real life with real people...

And, yes, with real terror.

I see a fucking root already.

Ow ! Cecil, I'm a much better
actress in a studio.

That's not whattime
magazine has to say.

"Miss whitlock seems
a little ill at ease
and past her prime...

"To carry a picture
by herself.

Especially one
as sappy and overproduced
as some kind of happiness."

- Timemagazine said that ?
- Your movie's gonna lose
$30 million.

Can I ask you a question ?

Did you ever fuck Mel Gibson ?

Cecil, give yourself up.
It's not too late.

Our movie goes into profit
the day we sell
the first ticket.

How big is his dick, anyway ?

You know what ?
Come with me to Hollywood,

and I will get you a job
as a production assistant
on a real Hollywood movie.

Tell me about Mel Gibson's
dick and balls !

♪♪

Dr. Patch, Dr. Patch,
we need it ! Help us !

Dr. Patch !

Dr. Patch, Dr. Patch, please !

Okay, now remember,
there are no bad takes
in a Cecil b. Demented picture.

Just keep the scene going.Hey, honey, I've never
taken this much acid before.

So if I forget my lines,
cue me.

Do my tits look okay ?
They're more natural
than yours, you know.

Cecil, please don't make me
do this scene.

Your Hollywood system stole our
sex and co-opted our violence,

so there's nothing left for our
kinds of movies, except this.

Picture's up !

Go ! Go !

Pam, right here !
Roll camera !

- Camera rolling.
- Speed !

- Mark it !
- Action !

Sabotage the cinema !
Take back the screen !

Vandalize the movies !
Bring back the dream !

This is so stupid.

- Say the lines
the way they're written !
- Okay.

You read the fucking script !

All right, Rodney !

Enough, Rodney !
She looks great !

Thank you.We gotta go !
I said, action !

How dare you play patch Adams!

Oh, my god !
It's honey whitlock !

Patch adamsdoes not deserve
a director's cut.

The first one was long enough !

Hey, you !
You got a problem ?

Feel the pain
of underground film !

The kick
of outlaw cinema !

Wow, honey, I'm peaking.

I'm Cecil b. Demented,
and you're in my movie.

If you look in the camera
and ruin a take, you're dead.

Do you know Quentin Tarantino ?
I love his movies !

No ad-libbing !

Three dollars
for a fucking candy bar !

You call that a medium !

This is still popped
in coconut oil, isn't it ?

Hey, what's the trouble here ?

Nobody needs this garbage.

We are the ultimate
bad review.

Please, please.
I-I didn't make this movie.
I'm just the manager.

Let's go !

No, it's mine !give it to me,
you bastard !

Dr. Patch, these brats won't give me the--

Dr. Patch, Dr. Patch,
please !

Places everybody !
Lyle, Cherish, get in here !

Say the lines !
And action !

You don't have to
like this movie.

You're a victim
of advertising !

You've been manipulated
by press agents !

Patch Adams, you're dead.

Everybody
wrap it up and run !

♪ Hey, yo, man, listen up

♪ when we say action we mean action, yo ♪

♪ ain't nobody puttin' us in turnaround ♪

♪ you got that, motherfucker we ain't got no budget ♪

♪ no budget ♪ no craft service, man

♪ no budget ♪ we don't take no notes

♪ no budget ♪ no fucking call sheets, yo

♪ no budget ♪ we ain't recouping shit

come on, Cecil, I want
a little action of my own.

I'm trying to write,
Cherish.

♪ We gonna turn
Hollywood out ♪♪ no budget

♪ we don't need the help
of so-called critics ♪

♪ outlaw cinema, brother with the hottest gunslingers ♪yeah !

♪ When we say action cameras start to spin ♪

♪ rip all your studio's
fucking asshole clean ♪

♪ if I direct, ain't gonna be
no motherfuckin' scenes ♪

♪ we'll do the edits
see what no budget means ♪

♪ it's either our way or no way
fuck keeping it clean ♪

Ohhh ! ♪ no budget

♪ no craft service, man
♪ no budget

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ no fucking call sheets, yo
♪ no budget

♪ we ain't recouping shit ♪ no budget

♪ yeah, we got a start date for real ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ we gonna turn Hollywood out ♪ ♪ no budget

♪♪ it's goat urine.

You want some ?no.

It's a Satan thing.

Oh, god, you're so good
in our movie.

♪ We ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ no craft service, man ♪ no budget

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ no fucking call sheets, yo ♪ no budget

craft service ? ♪ we ain't recouping shit

- no, thank you, fidget.
- I never drink when I'm working. ♪♪

That's very kind of you.

Hey, fidget, do your parents
know where you are tonight ?

They're probably mad.

Why don't you
give them a call ?

Cecil says our parents
are the enemies of film.

That's such nonsense.
Go ahead, call 'em up.

I bet they really miss you.

Hey, honey,
you want some crack ?

I most certainly
do not, Lyle.

How can you be a drug addict
in the new millennium ?
It's so retro.

Before I was a drug addict,
I had so many different
problems.

Now I just have one.
Drugs gave my life
real focus.

♪ Keep those cameras rolling motherfuckers start to spin ♪

♪ if I direct, there ain't gonna be no motherfuckin' scenes ♪

♪ we'll do the edits see what no budget means ♪

♪♪ how can you see me on film
and not want to fuck me ?

I do want to fuck you, Cherish,
but you know I can't.

Why not ?
All my directors fuck me.

I'm not all your directors !
I'm Cecil b. Demented,

the ultimate auteur !

♪ We ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

soldiers of cinema, save your
sexual energy for the screen.

Our footage is stronger
than Otto preminger's !

Creepier and darker
than David lynch's !

More exploitive
than herschel Gordon Lewis.

And more violent
than Sam Fuller.

We will rise above
our raging hormones...

To a new level
of cinema unrest.

Do whatever it takes
to avoid sexual release !

Get as drunk as Sam peckinpah !

As high as rainer Werner fassbinder !

But stay celibate
for celluloid ! Yeah !

Sex is for our movies, not real life.

Hello ?hi, mom.
It's me-- fidget.

Oh, god, fidget.
Where are you ?
Are you okay ?

I'm fine. The movie's
going great, mom.

Going great ? Fidget,
you're wanted for murder.

Feel the black humor
of almodovar !

The satanic brilliance
of Kenneth anger !

- The racial tension
of spike Lee !
- Mm, mm, mm, mm !

And the unashamed exhibitionism
of William castle !

Hello ?
Fidget, talk to me.

Hello ?
We will come and get you.
Just tell us where you are.

Hello ? Hello ?

Blue balls for celluloid !

Cecil, if we can't have sex, can
we at least make some money ?

Yeah. Lewis thinks
I could have a hit record.

No, no, no, sprocket holes !
I'm a prophet against profit !

And you should refuse
to Sully your artistic vision
with financial success !

Sprocket holes, be strong
and join me in prayer !

Oh, yeah.Oh.

Oh, Andy warhol, we worship you from the new cinema underground.

Oh, Andy warhol, we worship you
from the new cinema underground.

Fidget, give me that drink. Help us to use our sexual frustration as you did...

Thank youfor the future of outlaw film !

- Say it, sprocket holes !
- Celibate for celluloid !

- Say it again, louder !
- Celibate for celluloid !

Nighty-night.

Hey, kids, wake up !

Let's make
a motherfuckin' movie !

Hey, go, go !

I see that fucking
brown color already !no, no, Rodney !

Those are not roots.
Those are scabs on my scalp.Get up !

And they're raw
from the dye !just close your eyes...

And think of the films
of George cukor.

Raven, you know
you're a really pretty girl.

You could escape
from all this madness.

Escape to what, honey ?

I mean, my father is zo-zo,
the three-headed guard dog
at the gates of hell.

Ow. I'm sorry to hear that.

But one day I'm gonna
commit revolutionary
suicide for celluloid.

No, don't say that !
Rodney, tell her.
No movie is worth dying for.

Ow ! Rodney,
why do you have to hurt me ?

Gay men are supposed
to be gentle.

That's just it, honey.
I'm not gay.Ow.

I'm straight,
and I fucking hate it !

Petie loves me, and I can't
love him back. I've tried.

I kiss him, and
all I feel is whiskers.

I can't take that certain
thickness in his pants.

I'm ashamed
of my heterosexuality !

Oh, it's all right, Rodney.

That's why some days
I gotta hurt people !

- No ! No !
- It's not honey's fault.

Make them pay
for me liking pussy !

Nobody chooses
to be heterosexual.
Honey knows that.

I'm straight,
and I hate !

So get used to it,
honey whitlock !

Ow ! Ow, it's burning me !

Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow ! You're hurting me !

Good morning, miss whitlock.

Cecil, I want
to go back to Hollywood.Whatever for ?

Your old career is over,

but your comeback
has just begun.

Roll it.

Well, see, I was in the audience
when they attacked.

Oh ! Honey, man, honey whitlock was awesome !

She was so cool.

I think honey whitlock is right. Most films suck,

and it's time somebody did something about it.

Nobody forced her
to be in that movie,
but she was damn good.

Scarier than hell,
if you ask me.

She looked different from her other films too. I don't know-- younger.

Mmm.

Now, there are still
some people who don't
understand our work.

This one's live.

Cecil b. Demented,
the Maryland film commission
refuses to be intimidated...

By your pathetic gang
of cinematic misfits.

That's why we're here today
in the inner harbor...

To celebrate location
shooting in Maryland...

With many of the brave
production and studio heads
from out of state...

Who also say no to cinema terrorism.

I have a vision.

And this time,
somebody might have to die.

Ohhh.

Ohhh.

Ow !

Okay, in this scene,
you guys are the avenging angels
of underground cinema.

We'll let those
fat cat producers know.

Yeah, that Maryland isn't safe
for their kind of movies.

Cherish, this is america.
It's a free country.

People can make bad movies
if they so desire.

- Not anymore, they don't.
- You think 'cause you've made
real movies, you're better ?

- Oh, please.
- Do you know why I became
a porno star ?

Cherish has
recovered memory.

Mm-hmm.
When I was ten years old,

my entire family fucked me
under the Christmas tree.

- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

"Jingle balls, jingle balls," my
stupid brother started singing.

You think that's funny ?

- No, I don't.
- That's all behind you
now, Cherish.

We're here, and we're
making movies.

This way.

"Fuck her,"
yelled my grandmother.

How would you like that
if it happened to you ?i wouldn't.

It's okay, Cherish.
This way.

Hey, honey.What ?

Nervous ? Wanna try
some special k ?i am working, Lyle !

"Human pile,"
screamed my grandfather
as they all jumped on.

Do you even know
what a human pile is ?i do.

I think I can
figure it out.

Come on !

Ask anyone who has shot their film in Maryland.

We have the exact location that you need for your next production.

From mountains to beaches.

From small towns
to urban settings.

My father sat on my face
as he opened his
Christmas presents.

Oh, really ?
Are you sure any of this
really happened ?

Yes, it really happened !
"Oh, Santa, why hast thou
forsaken me," I screamed.

But she doesn't
believe me !i believe you.

Shut up, Cherish ! I told you,
that's all over with.

Save your rage
and use it in the cinema !yes, Cecil.

Go ! Go !

The Maryland film commission
pledges to work with state
and federal agencies...

To make your shoot here in Maryland...

As inexpensive and trouble free as possible.

Hey, hey !

That's why we call Baltimore the Hollywood of the east.

♪♪

- See Pam there ?
- Yeah.

That's your Mark.

When you hear "action,"
I want you to jump off the roof,

landing in front
of Pam's camera.

Surely you realize
I could be seriously injured.

- Suffer for celluloid !
- There should at least be
an airbag...

Or some kind
of safety precaution.

Just call me irresponsible.
Outlaw cinema has no limits.

Prove yourself, honey,

and maybe you'll live
to read your reviews.

All right, Cecil.

I'm a professional.
Roll the camera.

Places, you fools !

Now, don't worry.
They're just props.

I want you to throw the grenade
after your first line
at the film commissioner.

Nobody will get hurt.

There are bullets in here.

They're blanks.
Trust me, honey.

Lock it up.

Hmm... whoo !

Okay.okay.

Speed !camera rolling !

Mark it !

Action.

Oh, my god !

Okay, which one of you assholes
insulted our film ?

- Was it you ?
- No. Please.

I-I was only following
studio orders.

All extras,
keep eating the oysters,

or you will be shot
and killed !

Pam, shoot those oysters ! Hey, you !

Keep eating !

Keep eating, you fuckers !

Didn't you produce
that bad Hollywood remake
of that beautiful foreign film ?

I had to.
You know American audiences
won't watch subtitles.

Didn't you just green light
another movie based
on a video game ?

It wasn't my idea !
I'm just the vice president
of creative affairs !

No, please don't shoot me !
I don't even go to the movies !

Rodney !

Help ! I'm honey whitlock !

Nobody said cut !

Help, Cherish !
I'm stuck in a k-hole,
and I can't get out !

Come on, Lyle.

Oh, shit !

Finish the fucking scene !

Bad movies must be avenged !

That's a cut !

Cecil !

Here.

- Where are you going ?
- Don't shoot !

- I'm honey whitlock,
and I've been kidnapped.
- Come back !

No ! No !
We'll go to Sundance
together, I promise !

Hey, don't you know
who I am ? Excuse me,
I will have you fired !

Don't you know that I'm an academy award nominee ?

Cecil, help me !

Help ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow !

Help !let's roll !

Help, Cecil !

Attica !

Rodney king !
David begelman !

Let me go !
Let me out of here !

Picture's up !
Roll !

Speed !hey, it's your close-up !

- I hate your movies !
- Action !

Long live
guerrilla filmmaking !

Look out ! Shit !

Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa !

Cut ! Cut !

I am Cecil b. Demented,
the enemy of family films !

Shit !

You couldn't direct traffic ! - These cops aren't goin' nowhere.

Go back to film school, stupid !straight to video--
that's what you are !

I hate films !

- Pam, film these fuckers !
- Picture's up !

We don't wanna be
in your sick little movie !

Camera rolling !
Speed !

Pay us, cheapskate !
I'm not anybody's extra !

I don't do anything for art !action !

- I'm sick of violence !
- Oh, I can't stand the f word !

- Yeah ? Well, your movies
bite the big one !
- We want frontal nudity !

Ow, ow, ow !ow ! Keep the scene going !

- You stink, honey whitlock !
- You came in fifth
in the oscars.

You didn't write me dialogue ?you're one of us now.
You know what to say.

I walk out of your films
on airplanes !

Family is just a dirty word
for censorship !nice !

Cut ! Movin' on !

Come on !
Let's get out of here !

Fucking families !
Let's go !

♪ Whoa-ho

♪ ya-ha-ho-ho come on !

♪ Ya-ha-ho-ho

come on, go !
Come on, come on !
Come on, come on !

Go, go, go, go !
Move, move !

Action fans, help us !

Yeah !come on, come on, come on !

Yeah, Cecil ! Come on !

Come on, come on !go, go !

Families ! Families !

Give me your autograph.

Honey, honey, honey.All right, all right.
Enough, enough.

Cecil b. Demented
wants your keys.

Fuck him.
He ain't gonna get distribution.

Oh, you wanna bet ?

Yeah, baby, yeah !
Let's go !

Honey, honey !

- Thanks, honey.
- Honey, honey, I love you !

Go !let's go ! Let's go !

Honey, honey !

Hey, hey, honey,
sign my parole card ?

It's okay !
We're criminals too !

I love you ! We love you !

You're crazy !

♪♪

The slash and burn
of the white hot metal...

Will brand you forever with
the logo of Cecil b. Demented.

Wear the privileged scar
of cinema sainthood...

With pride and horniness.

♪ God, our protector

♪ yeah

♪ main film director

♪ give us a cue

♪ we'll follow you

♪ demented forever

♪ demented for life

there is no such thing
as family. ♪♪

We are the orphans of cinema,
and without our movie,
we do not exist.

We are not human. We are all part of one giant projector.

And our blood is the film that will be shown to the world.

My real life began
in the cinema.

And it will end
in the cinema !

♪ Demented forever

from the valleys of Lebanon--

to the jungles of Cuba !

Film revolutionaries
can never be stopped.

♪ Demented forever ♪ demented forever

♪ demented for life

Rodney died for the roots
of cinematic rebellion.

And he's now in cinema hell,

where one day
we'll all be reunited.

Pleasure is pain !

Slavery is freedom !

Suicide for Satan !

♪ Demented forever

but our film could still be
a hit even after we're dead,
right, Cecil ?

♪ Demented forever ♪ demented forever

fidget.

Fidget's a good boy,
and we love him.

And we will stand behind our son no matter what he's done.

No ! I wanna go home !

I don't wanna be
in show business anymore !

I knew you were the weak one,
fidget.

Just remember,
your parents liked Godzilla.

They wouldn't even let you
see r-rated films as a child.

They've never even been
to a midnight movie.

They enjoy classic
TV sitcoms turned into
feature-length films.

- They've never rented
a porno movie.
- And to top it all off,

they talk out loud
in the theater once
the feature has begun.

- Oh !
- Oh, that really is unforgivable, fidget.

Okay, okay ! My parents
are the enemies of film !

Do it !

Yeah ! All right !

- Demented forever !
- ♪ demented forever

and you, honey ?

No, Cecil.

So tell me the truth now.

Did you ever,
in all those years,

suspect that your ex-wife...

Had, well, you know,
radical tendencies ?

Well, I'll tell you, roseanne.

I was married to honey whitlock
for seven years,

and I'm not a bit surprised
what a nut she really is.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Satan loves you, honey.

And so do I.

Honey whitlock was always attracted to the wrong kind of man.

I wouldn't be surprised
if she was in on her kidnapping
from the very beginning.

She'd do anything for sex.

- The Maryland film commission--
- you ain't seen nothing yet.

Cecil b. Demented,
you can never stop Hollywood.

The Maryland film commission
is pleased to announce...

There will be no delay
in tomorrow's once-secret
start date...

For the $65 million shot
entirely in Baltimore sequel...

To the Oscar-winning masterpiece Forrest Gump,

gump again,
starring Kevin nealon.

I think I speak
for every member of the academy
of the arts and sciences...

When I say, honey whitlock,

you are a disgrace to the entire
Hollywood community.

Say it.

Demented forever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

This time,
ihave a fucking vision.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can I help you ?

We got a delivery
for Kevin nealon
from Paramount studios.

Shh.

Largest box of chocolates
we ever made.

Shh, shh.

Well, I'm gonna have
to check your truck out.

Sure.

You never know
what you're gonna find inside.

Action !

Get him in !

All right.
Just keep an eye on the shot.

Add his hair dye.
That's it.

Looks good.
Nice, nice.

Jean-Pierre, you okay ?
You need another
camera rehearsal ?

No, sir. We're set.

Do you believe how long it took
'em to do that last shot ?it's unbelievable.

The money they're throwing away
here is unbelievable.
You got a pair of sevens.

That's not bad.
Hey, you're cheatin' over there.

What do you got,
a Jack, king ?

What's the matter with you ?- hey !

We're nonunion, and
we're taking over this movie !

Okay. Let's shoot
this sucker.You got it.

Okay, people. Clear the set.

And... lock it up !

We don't have to take--

son of a bitch !

Get this motherfucker
off of me !

It's already locked down.Picture's up.

Well, is there a problem ?

Where's the a.D. ?

Janine. Where the fuck is Janine ?

I'm getting older here.

Budget's climbing !

$1,000 a second. $1,000 a second.

$1,000 a second.

That's what it's costing while we wait, gang !

I don't know what the problem is.

Jesus, can we shoot ?roll sound.

Sound speed.

Can I have fucking quiet ?

Camera rolling. Finally !mark it.

And... action.

Hello, my name's forrest.
Forrest Gump.

That's a damn shame.

You want some of my crab cakes ?

I don't eat scavengers.
You know what crabs eat ?

Fish feces.

Well, my momma always said,
"gump happens."

Shucks, I guess life
is a lot like a crab cake.

There's lots of good stuff in the middle,

but it's surrounded
by a bunch of crap.

- Cut !
- What the hell ?

I am Cecil b. Demented,
and this picture is terminated !

Get off my set now !
What do you think you're doing ?

Nobody can stop the popularity of Forrest Gump.

Fuckin' little scabs !we'll get their little
16-millimeter asses.

Ow, that hurt !
Are you out of your mind ?
Get me out of here !

Mark it.

That's entertainment.

And... action !

I fucking hateforrest gump !

I only take the roles
I'm offered, ma'am.

Are you this desperate for publicity, honey whitlock ?

Don't step on my lines,
asshole !

Shh, shh, shh !
Quiet !

- No more per diems !
- Please, I'm a local hire !

- No more meal penalties.
- Yes, ma'am.
We're off the clock.

And no more free food
at international film festivals
for you either, hack !

The director's guild
of america...

Will bring down its swift sword
of justice on you rank amateurs.

Go !

Drugs !
Give me poppers.

It's okay.
We got it on film.
Keep going !

Visions of light !

Death to all who are
cinematically incorrect !

- That means you fuckers !
- Yeah !

Cecil !

Yo, get him ! Get him !

Shit !
Let's get out of here !call the driver !

- Cecil, get down !
- Losers, die !

Cecil !

Look out ! Get him ! Get him !

- Honey, get down !
- Cherish,
look out ! Get down !

Get him, get him, baby !

Good work, Cherish !thank you.

Fix your costume. Come on.
Wild sound !

Help, help ! Shoot ! Shoot !

Oh, my god ! Oh, no !

Dinah !

Oh, god.

Hey, hey, man.
What's wrong ?
Stapled ? Huh !

Oh, thank god !

Oh, god !

Dear diary,

another day,
and it's the same old thing.

Everywhere I go,

everything I do just seems to lead...

To the same dead end--

my derriere.

Hey, buddy,
I'm in a little bit of trouble.

Oh, my god ! It's you !
I was just looking at your ass
in this magazine.

Yeah, that's my ass, all right,
and it's in trouble. Can me
and my friends come inside ?

Oh, sure can.
Oh, we sell your ass. Hi.

Hi.

I can't believe it's her !
I beat off to her every night.

Would you sign it...
To sniffles ?

- One f or two ?
- Two.

Oh.bad night, huh ?

- Right.
- Go on in. Pop a load.

Uh, guys.

Why is it that men
only want my ass ?

Do you know why,
little pellet ?

Good pellet.

Oh, bad pellet.

Oh, pellet, you're
a very naughty gerbil.

Yes, you are.

You're gonna be mommy's good pellet, aren't you ?

Whoops !

Pellet !

Yeah. Where are you, little gerbil ?

Hey !

Sorry. Here, pellet.

Mommy's got some cereal
for you.

I'll be your cinema slave.

Where are they, you pervert ?who ?

There's no one here
but us whackers.

Demented forever.

Hey, pal, that's illegal, huh ? Hey, I paid my admission price.

Pellet !
Oh !

Not there, pellet !
Rear entry !

There !

Porno fans !

It's me ! Cherish !
And I need your hard-core help !

- The teamsters are here.
- We love you, Cherish !

Long live Cecil b. Demented,
a friend of pornography !

Hey, keep that thing
away from me.

Hey, hey, hey !
Back it up !

Hey, whoa, whoa !
Hey, hey !

Get it ! Get it ! Get in there ! Get in there !

Oh, yes ! Pellet ! Pellet !

Get it, boy ! Go on, pellet !

Get it ! Yes ! Do it to me, baby !

Dear diary,

my husband...

Is trying...

To kill me.

- Three, please.
- $15.

Cool as shit.
Honey whitlock can open
any picture.

Nowshe can.

We should blow up
the people's choice awards.
That's what we should do.

Hey, calm down.Bomb planet Hollywood.

Would you get a hold
of yourself ?

- Two adults.
- $10.

Hey, that's pretty good !

Thanks.
What do I get if I win ?

A big ham. What else ?

This is it--
our final location.

Where we're gonna
get laid !

Nobody leaves this drive-in
alive until we finish our film.

Totally radical !

Attention, honey whitlock look-alikes.

Please come to the concession stand at the end of the film...

To show your fellow drive-in fans your costumes...

And maybe take home a grand prize...

Of a ten-pound Smithfield ham.

We also feature sodas, burgers,

hot dogs, popcorn...

And the candy of your choice.

All right here at the bengie's drive-in theater,

where tonight,

honey whitlock is on the screen all night long.

Oh, my god.

The greatest director
of all time !

Come on. You didn't know.

You have cinematic
immunity now.

Yeah, none
of your old movies count.

That's not you on the screen. It's somebody else. Come on.

Who is it ?

Cecil b. Demented.

Oh, right.
That's really funny, asshole.

Kill the bitch !she never could act !

Her career is over !hey !

No. Hey, bad reviews
can't hurt me now.

Yeah. We're beyond
the critics' reach.

Who cares what anybody thinks
about our movie ?

Except Satan.
Shut up, bitch !

Hey, what's going on ?

Hello.

This is Cecil b. Demented,

speaking to you directly from this theater.

I want you all
to be in my new movie.

It is calledraving beauty.

We are shooting the final scene here tonight.

I wish Cecil would kill
some more assholes.

Yeah, like those phony critics
who give all good reviews
in the movie ads.

Or those last-minute
fuck-head ticket buyers...

Who enter the theater after
the feature's begun.

Join the revolution against Hollywood movies.

Bring cinema wars home to theaters in your neighborhood...

And punish those who stand in the way ofyour kind of entertainment.

Cinema hoodlums,

you can destroy commercial cinema as we know it.

Burn down the multiplexes.

Stop the mass-distribution of mediocre movies !

This is a warning to all cinemagoers.

Mainstream movie fans, we will Bury you.

Cecil b. Demented,
you are surrounded.

Give yourself up
and you and your cast and crew
will not be injured.

Pay no attention
to the studio executives
in the police vehicle.

Yeah, yeah. Tell them.

- I have final cut !
- We are not studio executives.

We are the Baltimore city
police department.

Fidget, we know you're here.

We heard it on the news.
Come home, son.

Fans of outlaw cinema,

they want to use you
for market testing.

- Yeah !
- They want to detain you and put you in focus groups.

Uh-huh !
That's right ! That's right !

But I won't let them,

because I don't believe in
phony life-affirming endings !

I would rather die
than change my movie !

Waco ! Waco !

That's it.

Fidget, it's your dad.

We're here with a psychiatrist.

He specializes
in children like you.

Everything's gonna be okay, son.

Fidget, it's mommy.

We know you've seen too many r-rated movies,

and we're here to help.

Cecil b. Demented, your parents are here.

And they would like to speak to you.

Sinclair, it's your father.

God !

Thomas alva Edison
is the only father
I've ever had !

I know you're sick in the head,
but whatever made you think
you could direct ?

You can direct, Cecil. Don't listen to that Christian !

- Sinclair, it's mom.
- Oh !

Repeat after me.
It's only a movie.

It's only a movie.

It's only a movie.Picture's up !

All right !

Cecil.

- Are you okay ?
- Oh, shit.

Come on, Cecil.
We got to finish the movie.

Come on.
Get up. Come on.

Come on.
Get up, Cecil.

Honey whitlock
is here tonight,

live and in person.

And she's dyin' to meet ya.

Come on ! Move out !
Go ! Go ! Let's go !

Yeah !

You can make it.

Just one more camera setup,
then we can have sex.

Honey, honey, honey.

I've had a final vision.

Would you set your hair on fire
for our movie ?

My real hair ?

Prove yourself one more time,
for your cast.

Your crew.
They've given up their lives
for this film,

and they carry the eternal flame of cinema insanity.

Do it.

Your fans--
they love the new honey.

They love her so much.

And for me--
Cecil b. Demented.

I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr. Demented.

Cecil b. Demented, you have 60 seconds.

Picture's up !

Abandon your film or we will shoot to kill !

Camera rolling !
Speed !

And... action !

Cellulunatics
and cinema survivalists !

Make good movies or die !

Wow !

Cut, cut, cut !

That, fellow sprocket holes, is a wrap !

Principal photography
has been completed !

- You mean we can fuck ?
- From here to timbuktu !

Oh, yes !

Honey !

Raven, I love you ! I love all satanists ! Pick me !

Honey ! Oh ! Ah !

You picked me.Yeah.

Get up here !

Okay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, mom !

Oh, my god !

Oh, shit ! Come on !

Get the film !i got it !

Cecil ! Cecil !

- Honey !
- What ?

I seen what you did,
you Hollywood bitch !

Maybe you can get away with this shit in California, but we're in Maryland now.

You're under arrest,
honey whitlock.

Cecil !

I have...

A vision !

Oh, god !well, that's what you get.

Fidget, we're leaving.

How much is a mother
supposed to take ?

Fucker !
Son of a bitch !

Good-bye, petie !

I'll visit you
in prison, man !

We got the footage, baby !
Anybody got a cell phone ?

Call 20/20.Get me an agent ! Go, go !

Honey ! Honey !thank you, thank you !

Miss whitlock, you're under arrest ! Hands in the air. Show's over.

Honey, it's okay.
We finished the film !

Hail Satan !

Ow !

Oh, hi, mom.

Hey, dad.

Honey !

♪ Never say good-bye say ciao ♪

♪ till we meet again

♪ say ciao

♪ time will disappear

♪ so hold me near

♪ and never say good-bye

♪ say ciao

♪ please don't shed a tear

♪ say ciao

♪ you'll be always near somehow ♪

♪ time will disappear

♪ so smile, my dear

♪ and never say good-bye say ciao ♪

♪ no, never say good-bye

♪ say ciao ♪

Chow.

♪♪

♪ chow

♪♪

♪ chow, chow, chow, chow, chow chow, chow, chow, chow ♪

♪ chow, chow, chow

♪♪

♪♪ ♪ chow, chow, chow, chow, chow

♪♪

♪ we ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ no craft service, man ♪ no budget

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ no fuckin' call sheets, yo ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't recoupin' shit ♪ no budget

♪ yeah, we got a start date for real ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ and we gonna turn Hollywood out ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ how the fuck you think you're just gonna charge me rent ♪

♪ don't need the help of so-called critics ♪

♪ outlaw cinema with the hottest gunslingers ♪

♪ when we say action cameras roll, before your deal
is fuckin' asshole clean ♪

♪ if I direct, ain't gonna be no motherfuckin' scenes ♪

♪ we'll do the edits take the credits ♪

♪ it's our way or nobody's fuck keeping it clean, ha ♪

♪ we ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ no craft service, man ♪ no budget

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ no fuckin' call sheets, yo ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't recoupin' shit ♪ no budget

♪ yeah, we got a start date for real ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ and we gonna turn Hollywood out ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ no focus through my camera lens ♪

♪ picture perfect you think it's perfect ♪

♪ I'll second that fuckin' emotion ♪

♪ I'm with the team what you think ♪

♪ shit, motherfucker with the fuckers you need ♪

♪ no budget bitches, drop your motherfuckin' knees ♪

♪ I'm sick of spitting on these so-called deeds ♪

♪ then they walkin' up to Cecil petty bitches, bite me ♪

♪ we ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ ain't nobody puttin' us in turnaround ♪

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ we'll do the edits take the credits ♪

♪ we ain't recoupin' shit ♪ no budget

♪ you got that, motherfucker

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ no budget

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ fuck keeping it clean ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't recoupin' shit ♪ no budget

♪ petty bitches, bite me ♪ no budget

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ when we say action cameras roll ♪ ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't got no budget ♪ no budget

♪ ain't nobody puttin' us in turnaround ♪

♪ we don't take no notes ♪ no budget

♪ we'll do the edits take the credits ♪

♪ we ain't recoupin' shit ♪ no budget

♪ you got that, motherfucker

♪ yo, this picture's a go ♪ no budget

♪ we ain't got no budget

♪ no craft service, man

♪ we don't take no notes

♪ no fuckin' call sheets, yo ♪

Closed-captioned by
captions, inc. Los Angeles