Caveman (2023) - full transcript

A WOMAN EXPECTS A MAN
TO DO WHAT SHE EXPECTS HIM TO DO.

A MAN EXPECTS A WOMAN
TO DO WHAT HE EXPECTS HER TO DO.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT...

Claudia. Claudia, wait please.

Hey, hold on, please.

Sweetheart,
cut it out and come out, okay?

- Go away, I don't talk to Neanderthals.
- I'm due on stage soon.

- Oh really?
- Yes, in 15 minutes!

My watch must be wrong.
It says it's half past OVER!

Okay, fine. Listen, it's quite simple.

If you don't come out now,
I'll break down the door.



- Think I wouldn't dare?
- Nah, I think you can't.

- Then I'll prove it to you.
- Okay.

Step aside. I'm breaking it down.

Yeah, I'm gone. Far away.

Ow!

Ladies and gentlemen,
now for a fresh, new talent.

He was just selling cars,
now he'll try his hand at punchlines.

Here's Bobby Müller!

Hello.

Hello. Whoops.

Good evening.

Hello, uh...

What kind of insect
is hard to understand?

A mumblebee.



What kind of insect is hard
to understand and has no time?

A bzz-y mumblebee.

Yes, first of all, I have to apologise
for making you wait.

I've just had a little dispute.

I'll put it this way,
women aren't for cowards.

If you want a relationship guarantee,

you'd be better off with a hoover.

Wait, wait. I know what you're thinking.

But let's be honest,
nowadays it's not women and men,

it's women and complete idiots, right?

What? It's true. Wait.

I'm quite sure
the ladies in the room agree.

I'm just going to ask.

Which of you think I'm a complete idiot?

Wow, okay. Yes, I hadn't asked the men.

And why? You don't even know me.

- It's just a feeling.
- A feeling?

Women can mess you up with that.

And without words. Without violence.

And in fact,
some even manage without being present.

Yeah? Like my wife, Claudia,
at the front.

If you see nothing, you're correct.

Claudia's not here
because she just broke it off with me.

You complete idiot!

But that's exactly what I mean.

I mean men most likely wouldn't do
something like that, right, Hoffmann?

But only because it's a waste of beer.

Well...

Listen, I'll tell you what happened
between Claudia and me,

then you can decide
whether or not I'm an idiot, okay?

To start, perhaps we should agree

men have a harder time
developing in a positive way.

I simply lacked the right role models.

- What do you want to grow up to be, son?
- A joke teller.

People laughing at you
isn't an achievement.

It's just a sign you're not
taken seriously as a man.

Remember that, Robert.

Over the years, I mainly learned
from women how not to be.

I really don't want to hurt you,
you know?

Especially as I'm not the type
to needlessly torment weaklings.

But I'm drawn to the top.

And you, mood-wise,
you're a pretty heavy,

sad, dark, caustic
millstone round my neck...

Simply put,
I'm more into the party type.

How's a partnership to work if both
parties exist in totally different eras?

Our lives run congruently.
Without an intersection they can't meet.

One plus one is two. As one is less
than two, it isn't enough for me.

I need someone I can
build a profitable foundation with.

Simply put...
I'm just more into the successful type.

Anna. I really liked her.

Listen, I've been thinking.

So we can build a foundation together,

I want to be a car salesman.

Uh, Bobby, I think it's great
you've got stuck in,

but I don't think
we're right for each other.

You're so sweet and kind
and I don't know how to say this, but...

I'm just more into the arsehole type.

Claudia had the same problem.

Only from a different perspective.
Female.

It's quite obvious
you feel more for me than I for you.

But I haven't even told you how I feel.

- I just know.
- How?

Because I feel nothing...

Although we'd both had similar
experiences with the respective sex,

they had led us to different results.

Honestly,

where do you men
get that over-inflated self-confidence?

You can't all have fallen
into the magic potion like Obelix.

And why do you women
always want to change men?

- It's completely ineffective.
- Why?

Why not pick someone
who's right for you from the start?

I don't go and buy a pair of trousers
and then wonder why it's not a skirt.

That changing thing is prejudice.

That confidence thing is a cliché.

If people were like barnacles,
there wouldn't be a problem.

How come?

Because barnacles
don't have a fixed sex.

They get to know each other first,
then decide who's male and who's female.

Wouldn't have thought I'd say this,
but barnacles are pretty cool.

And lazy.

After they're born,
they attach to a stone

and stay there forever.

How endearing.

So if I were a barnacle, then...
Then I couldn't come over to you?

Nope. You're attached.

That's a shame, then...

Then it won't work between us.

No, it might.

The barnacle has a penis that's about
eight times longer than itself.

That means I could

impregnate you from here
without standing up.

You're the sweetest person
I've ever met.

You only want to get me into bed.

- And you're smart too.
- You're funny.

What do you want to be?

- Male or female?
- It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter to me either.

It was like a miracle.

We suddenly became one.

Claudia and I morphed
into a single person,

without a gender.

I only had one thing on my mind.

Claudia! Claudia!

Claudia! Claudia!

Claudia!

Which of the girls is she then?

None of them.

She's the bone breaker.

Claudia! Claudia!

Claudia!

We even had the same taste.

- What's your favourite part?
- Oh, it's hard to say.

- It only has good parts.
- Where the guy's head explodes?

- I love it.
- And the other guy says, um...

Um...

- Lights out.
- Lights out...

- Baloney brains.
- Baloney brains. So good. Best scene.

Gunkan Maki?

Oh yes. Yummy.

When fish roe bursts
in your mouth like that, hm?

Hey, Bobby?

I lied to you.

I don't know the film.

- Oh, hon...
- I'm sorry.

- I hate sushi.
- Really?

And?

Have you decided?

We agreed on everything.

The one in the middle.

We'll take the one on the right then.

I hope the breasts stay
when the belly's gone.

Want know what it's going to be?

No, you can guess.

- What then?
- A human.

If it takes after Nike.

We'll take the one on the left.

And we had the same wishes.

I want a child with you.

- You have to promise me something.
- Anything you want.

Let's never
become like a husband and wife.

I promise.

I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.

- Where's Jochen?
- In hell.

Squeeze together
for a nice family photo, please.

A little closer. Come on.
And nice smiles. Cheese!

No idea how we ended up here.

You know, at the beginning,
love is a wonderful way to kill time.

But then...

time Kills love.

And now, seven years later, surprise!

We're no longer the same person.

I sometimes have the feeling
we don't even live in the same time.

When I want to refer
to a specific moment

then I just say the date, right?

Day, month, year. Logical, right?

Claudia's date is made up of
her outfit and my mistakes.

She calls 14.04.2019 "the day I wore
the patterned pleated skirt

and you ruined the surprise party."

You see?

What I mean is,
it doesn't really matter what we do,

but we definitely do it differently
to the other person.

Name any activity.
The young man with the glasses.

- Any activity.
- No idea, sleeping.

Sleeping, a great example.

I can sleep so well,
I do it with my eyes shut.

When my head hits the mattress,
I'm asleep.

I don't need a memory pillow,
a sleep mask,

a 12kg weighted blanket, or ear plugs.

I fall asleep and the next morning
I wake up in the same position.

I can't say for sure
if Claudia sleeps at all.

Anytime I open my eyes,
she's awake and wants to talk.

What were you like as a child?

Tired.

Viewed solely externally, Claudia and I
are obviously very different.

Her body has a lot more
construction sites than mine.

She has products for stressed,
dry, tired, sallow and loose skin.

For dark circles and acne scarring.

I have a single product.

Adventure Shower.

By the way, this is a perfect example

of how differently
men and women are socialised.

The cosmetics industry
is quite successful in persuading us

that men are as old as they feel,

and women
as old as they feel to the touch.

It's likely why
we have different perceptions.

When I look in the mirror,
I see an accurate reflection of reality.

Claudia's image of herself
is emotionally distorted.

She sees herself how she feels.

I feel so crumpled.

As if someone sat on my face last night.

- How do I look?
- I've already lost with that question.

- Good!
- A letter less and that's a sound.

- Beautiful.
- What kind of beautiful?

Nice beautiful.

Beautiful meaning
enchanting, elegant, sexy?

- Healthy?
- Well fed?

- Strong?
- Fat?

- Sporty.
- What kind of sport?

Something with horses?

Wow, your bum
looks sexy in those trousers.

Really? Bobby thinks
I have a horse's arse.

Giving women compliments
is like blind man's buff in a minefield.

Dr Ekjulat said that if you hurry,
you can do it at home.

Okay.

Course I tried to find a plausible
explanation for our disagreements.

- Sweetheart?
- Yeah.

I have the solution.

- What solution?
- The solution!

Know why we don't get on anymore?

- I always have to clean up your crap?
- We're not in love anymore.

Yes. Chemically speaking, of course.

It's like this,
when a man and woman fall in love,

their hormonal balances align.

Her testosterone levels rise to his,

and for him,
the cuddle hormone, oxytocin, rises.

During the infatuation phase,
the man and the woman are almost equal.

That's why they want the same things,
but then after some time...

they fall to their initial levels
and they don't get on anymore.

Do you understand?
The chemistry between us is broken.

What? It's in your women's magazine.
Here, "The Chemistry of Love".

Under, "identify The Idiot
Before It's Too Late".

I don't read that. I'm not stupid.

- Why do we have a subscription?
- Why do you have dumbbells?

Fair question.

- How's Claudia?
- No idea.

"No idea"? You just saw her
in the dressing room.

We don't talk about you anymore.

Claudia and Nike talk about everything.

They need five seconds to go
from a greeting to intimate information.

Hey, cuties. How cute do you look?

Thanks. Ditto. And? Tell me.

How was your...

If you don't want me to understand
don't use the words

that describe a Big Mac.

Let's put it this way,
if Bobby ever finds an erogenous zone

then he keeps at it
until it's an erogenous wound.

You see? Completely indiscrete.

I'd never talk to Hoffmann
about such intimate things about us.

A friend of mine has a problem.

- With sex.
- I don't have a problem with sex.

Another friend.

- Ciao, ciao.
- Bye, bye.

What other friend?

- Someone from work.
- What work?

My work.

- The stupid job.
- Oh, that.

So... Bernd.

Bernd from work,

he...

He has a problem.

- What is Bernd's problem?
- His problem is...

His wife has the problem that she...

can't orgasm.

But that's not a problem.

- No?
- No.

- Why?
- Because I have the solution.

- And it's called: Tongue Go.
- No, not a dance course.

- Claudia can't tell left from right.
- No, no. Tongue. Tongue Go.

- It's my new app. Here.
- Lick me.

You just lick the arrow. Like this.

- The tongue is a muscle like any other.
- Oh yes, yes.

Ten minutes of Tongue Go a day
and your tongue has her away.

- And you collect points.
- Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah...

But don't mess up my score.

Congrats, you've reached an orgasm.

I'd do anything for Claudia.

The quality of our sex life
can be described using just one word.

Shit.

You blame your behaviour
on bad role models,

hormones, the cosmetics industry...

Yet it's your Stone Age
macho behaviour that's...

Exactly!

The real stress only began

when I first met the caveman.

A really shitty day.

And when I've had a really shitty day,

then I just want to be alone

focused, and left in peace, to watch TV.

It's a great mystery.

In truth, we don't know much
about our ancestor: The Neanderthal.

What a shitty day.

Apart from bones, graves,
and cave paintings...

When Claudia has a really shitty day
she doesn't want to be alone.

No, she wants to cuddle and not focus,

but distract herself with
as many different things as possible.

But above all, she doesn't want peace.

She wants to talk a lot.

There are men on the staff
who think I have a massage parlour.

And only because I'm a woman.

I lead the damn physiotherapy department
and without me half the players...

Recently, I've often not been able
to understand her. Acoustically.

I see her mouth moving
but no words reach me. Only sounds.

Like with a foreign language
where I lack the subtitles.

And how was YOUR day?

Even if I could understand her,
I wouldn't be able to reply

because I'm not really here.

Of course,
I'm sat on the bed with Claudia,

but my spirit leaves my body

and makes its way...
into the television.

...women stayed in the cave
and prepared the meat. In truth...

Hey, don't mind me. I just want
to watch you skin the animal.

I'm Bobby.

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Caveman.

Wait, like Batman or Spiderman?

No, uh...

What's your superpower?
Wait, I'll tell you. You can fly.

And shoot stones from your hands?

No.

But my wife can grow people inside her.

You're kidding me.

Really? Pah!

Yep.

Bobby, tell me. How was your day?

You know,
when Claudia wants to talk to me

and I'm in the television,

it only causes an argument.

So...

I only went into the TV to not have to
tell her how my day was.

- Would you like to tell me how it was?
- Nah, it... Not necessarily.

- Okay.
- I... But... Wait. I do.

It started this morning
at the stupid job.

Do you have no hunting instinct at all?

Here, look.

SALES BREAKDOWN 4TH QUARTER

And why do I only get
a tiny piece of the pie?

It's not a pie. It's your sales record.

You haven't sold any cars this quarter!

I have the carbon footprint of a geisha.

Not funny?

Because of the environment?
You're absolutely right.

Hello.

Shall I tell you about the car?

Your spiel might impress my wife,

but I won't be conned.

But you know
it's now standard for the RS

to have a wimp spray protection guard?

- It was about time.
- Absolutely.

Definitely.

If you like, I can boot up
the emission dummy distributor?

It filters clean air
to make it completely transparent.

I bet you've never seen
anything like it.

If you only knew what I've seen.

So, ready?

Readier than you are.

Phase one.

- You scared me to death.
- Sorry, but that was really good.

You've got talent.

Cock fighting
has always been my discipline.

I'd say more as a comedian.

You think?

As a child I won
a joke telling competition.

I've always wanted to do
something like that.

But?

But my father thought that telling jokes
wasn't a real job for men.

It's not so bad.
My wife is the careerist between us.

Lead Chiropractor for the Mammoths.

- Wow. Strong woman.
- Uh huh.

And smart. And beautiful.

And luckily she hasn't noticed yet
that I can't hold a candle to her.

Well, perhaps this is something for you.

Our club has an open mic
for the up-and-coming.

No matter in which direction
I'm up-and-coming?

You just have
to prepare a short set, okay?

Comedy is a wonderful job for men.

Whenever I make someone laugh,
I take away their worries. Ciao.

So actually it wasn't a shitty day,
because that's not a problem for me.

I... I can come up with a set.

I'm funny.
It's just Claudia's annoying me so...

Man, be quiet for a second.

- I heard fish don't have ears.
- Yes, but I do.

Find your way back to your nature.

Do you know what we call a bad hunter
in the Stone Age?

A vegetarian.

- Hello. It's peaceful here.
- Hi, fans.

The last time we went camping
all we did was fight.

We fought about everything.
No idea, we're probably too different.

Yeah, great.
Caught nothing again because of him.

We...

We honour our differences.
Do you understand?

No, you don't.
Look, the gatherers sit over there.

The hunters sit over here.

And we're like...
You know? Two cultures.

We have different customs.

We even speak different languages.

There are a few misunderstandings,

because, well, both think...

And suddenly, all the stress
between Claudia and me...

made sense.

What is that?

- A too short, ugly comb.
- No. A weapon.

- What do you kill with it?
- Sets.

Put it with the other crap, please.

What I mean is,

although Claudia and I
live in the modern world,

we still have the instincts
of thingamajig... Hunters and gatherers.

You, a hunter?

Oh, Bobby.

Hey, know what you should do?

For your show, just tell
the people about the differences.

- And I guarantee you'll be a success.
- That's my point.

But... And now listen closely...

- Otherwise you'll be...
- ...caught in fake leather.

- We've got...
- No...

I'm a hunter.

Good,
I think we have mice in the souterrain.

I'm going to perform
at an open mic night.

Really?

Great! I knew it would work out someday.

On a real stage? With lights and
curtains and lots and lots of people?

And what do you want
to make jokes about?

While the rough direction was clear,
execution was harder.

Hello, Bernd. Yes, Bobby here.

This is daft.
Sadly, I can't come to work again today.

He's likely stressed
because of his set next week.

It's so important to him
that it goes well.

Yes, exactly. Bumps... Mumps.
The doctor said at least a week.

Well, when I'm stressed,
a distraction helps.

That's why I've planned
a very small surprise for this evening.

- What?
- Ah, nothing special.

Just a teeny-tiny nibble to eat.

Yes...

- Roast goose.
- For two? Isn't that a bit excessive?

- Invite Hoffmann.
- Then you're to come too.

Thanks, that's very nice of you.
Thanks, Bernd.

Hey, and shall I invite Bernd?
Bobby's boss. To network with?

Yes, definitely.

My plan was very simple.

I wanted to focus
on my new task like a hunter

and tune out anything superfluous.

Because for a hunter,
distraction means death.

Hoffmann, you have to come over.
We've been burgled!

- The sofa is really gone.
- Yes.

Crazy.

But who would steal such an old thing?

Is anything else missing?

The only things really worth anything

are my 80s action figures
in their original packaging.

And the Power Rangers.

You're right, the figures are gone.

I looked everywhere.

Claudia says,

turning around on the spot
isn't really looking.

It'll be a great surprise party.

- Can you do it all yourself?
- Sadly no, sweetie. Sorry.

Yes, of course, easy.
Not a problem at all.

You just have to distract him.

Okay.

I'll go with him to the hairdresser.
About time anyway.

And he badly needs a new shirt.

Hey, if I were Bobby,
I'd burst with happiness.

It'll be the best day of his life.

God.

Bobby!

What happened?

We were burgled.

Did you call the police?
The pigs ransacked everything.

Ah, no. That was Hoffmann and me.

Why?

Yes, why?

I don't know where anything is.
You weren't here.

- We checked if anything's missing.
- Checked?

The good news is...

all the TVs are still here.

The bad news is...

they took the sofa with them.

And my action figures.

The sofa's gone
because we're getting a new one today.

- I showed you and you said, "Great."
- No.

- Yes.
- When? I don't remember.

The day I was wearing
the jungle-patterned blouse

and you said you couldn't imagine
having children with me.

Can you picture this sofa
in our living room?

No.

- Why not?
- The sofa costs 3,500 euros.

We don't have 3,500 euros.
That's why I can't picture it.

- Of course we have 3,500 euros.
- Where?

Remember wanting to tile the bathroom
with iridescent mosaic plates?

- That oscillate in the light?
- Oscillate...

And we only didn't do it,
and I agree with you retrospectively,

because the renovation would have
cost us 5,000 euros.

True, I said it would have
cost at least 5,000 euros.

So, thanks to your foresight,

we saved 5,000 euros

which we can now invest in a new sofa.

But how do you save money you never had?

Well, not the whole amount.
Only 3,500 euros.

- Ah okay.
- So we're left with 1,500 euros.

Picture for a second, this sofa

in front of a crackling fireplace
at Christmas.

I'm in your arms

and we're watching Lola
as she slowly opens the red ribbons.

Which of your friends is Lola again?
The blonde?

Lola is our daughter.

Or would you rather have a boy?
How do you picture our kids?

- I don't picture our kids.
- You don't picture kids at all?

Uh... I only develop fantasies
when they're realistic.

But you also imagine sleeping
with other women and don't do it.

Or do you?

I can picture that sofa
in this living room very well.

I think it's super nice.

So we haven't been burgled.

Then where are my action figures?

Didn't it turn out cute? Pretty, right?

Isn't it pretty?

She just unboxed them.

They take up less space
without the boxes.

And the beekeeper has an easier time
talking to the ranger.

You had Lukas twice, so I threw one away
and gave the ragged man to Toni.

Lukas is Luke.

And the beekeeper is his father.

- Darth Vader.
- Lukas, Dart... The names don't matter.

But the name on the dress on the beach
in Ibiza didn't not matter to you.

I'm not going to wear a dress
that says Verarse,

just because you're too stingy
to buy me a real Versace one.

I just thought of something.

I still have the Easter straw.

I could use it to make the beekeeper
a cosy nest.

Nest?

By the time I realised Claudia was
a gatherer, deco was a mystery to me.

Although we know most Stone Age
paintings were done by women,

the question remains the same.

What the hell
are they trying to tell us?

Is it all a hidden message?
Like the crop circles or Stone Henge?

A ritual where my participation
is expected?

Nice?

"1st place, Joke Competition, 1980"!

- Yeah.
- Vintage! Superb.

What kind of material is this?
Sheet metal?

Know where it would look great?
The sideboard in the souterrain.

- Yes.
- It'd look really great there.

Yes.

Yes.

And suddenly it hit me.

Souterrain means basement.

Today, it's crystal clear.

It's her house.

Claudia has taken over our house

and very slowly edged me aside.

It's her cave,

her territory.

I have no say in the matter.

Yes, don't look like that. You men.

- Where's your space in the house?
- The garage.

- Basement.
- Attic.

Ah ha, and...

What do all these places have in common?

They're not even in the damn house.

And the thingamajig, the wardrobe.
What happened there, huh?

Claudia has nine wardrobes,

and here it comes,
of which three are shoe shelves.

There's only one possible
explanation for this many shoes.

My wife is a millipede.

Bobby?

Are you actually
going to wear that for your set?

Yes, why?

- It has a stain.
- It's not a stain. It's Atlantis.

- That T-shirt says a lot about you.
- What?

- That I'm not as fashion-crazy as you?
- I'm not crazy. I'm interested.

- Can you walk in these?
- Not at all. They're sitting shoes.

- Exactly. Anyone who wears them is mad.
- Oh, really?

Tell it to the Persian horseman
who invented heels

so he could better grip his stirrups.

And that was before the trend
came to Europe 400 years ago,

where they were worn in courts
as a sign of wealth, by men especially.

It went: The higher the heel,
the higher the rank.

Okay, and what...

does that say about me?

Let's put it this way, for your set
to be a success, you need a new shirt.

So I did what any intelligent man
would do in this situation.

I hid in the loo.

It's the only place in the whole house
apart from the souter... the basement

where I feel safe.

Here...

I can be myself.

By the way,

this...

is what the modern man of today
looks like.

No!

Not them! You're never to use them.

- Why not?
- They're for guests only.

Ah, okay.

What guests?

I'd already forgotten the question

as shortly afterwards,
the next problem between us arose.

- The new sofa.
- Bobby?

The sooner you help tidy up your mess,
the sooner we'll be at Guido's.

- I think he has sweet stuff for men too.
- Sounds great.

But can't we just order something?

I have to work on my show.

I have some really good ideas.

- But I'm missing...
- Bobby, we need to talk.

We should split the work more fairly.

Sweetheart, it's nice you want
to help me, but it's a one-man show.

- I mean the housework.
- I thought we'd split that already.

You do the housework
and I do the around-the-house-work.

What's the around-the-house-work?

Lawn, mowing, lawn mowing.

Oh, you mean turning on the robot?

Sweetheart, it makes no sense. You have
a different standard of cleanliness.

And why should I clean
if you can do it so much better?

Remember how unhappy you were
the last time I cleaned?

When's that supposed to have been?

The day you were wearing
the blouse with the cowboy boots

and I defeated the cleaning man.

Bobby? I have to go.

Don't forget to take your sample
to Dr Ekjulat later.

Yes.

- And give Alex 80 euros when he's done?
- Yes, Alex, 80 euros. Right.

- Thanks.
- Lights out, baloney brains.

- Bye, Alex.
- Bye!

Alex? Who's Alex?

Hey.

Claudia!

There's a strange man in our house
and he's hoovering.

Yes, that's Alex. Our new cleaning man.

- Our what?
- Cleaning man.

- Shh.
- Bye bye!

I hired him because I don't feel like
cleaning up after you anymore.

And so we don't fight about it,
Alex will do it.

- A man?
- Yes.

I think that's kind of...

indecent.

Sweetheart.

Swee...

Say, Bobby?

Who's the guy in your house
with the fuzzy stalk?

Uh...

Well...

a personal trainer.

Why not ask me if you need help?

Mum also thinks you should do more sport

because you look like a pear.

Come on, Toni. We'll carry on
tinkering with the treehouse.

I don't need any help. That's the
difference between Claudia and me.

She always wants to improve
everything around her.

I'm already better.

I can prove it at any time
because the male principle

is competition.

I could only abide Mr Clean
in my house in one way.

In combat.

Hey, Axel.

- My name's Alex.
- Hey, Axel!

Bet I clean more windows
with a XClean 2000 than you with...

Paper?

Look, Toni.

It must be an Asian workout.

Hey! Hey!

Yes! First!

Ah yes, thanks.

I remember it clearly now.

Sometimes you only realise
it's a bad example in the telling.

Sweetheart?
Sweetie, I can work on my set later.

Shall we just go to Guido's?
I feel like something sweet.

Gatherers travelled in groups.

So for Claudia,
it's natural to do things together.

To receive help
and to offer help to others.

That's why she expects the same from me.

I'm always glad
when I can carry or hold something.

- Not much can go wrong.
- I think I'll use the ladies again.

Shall I hold your bag?
You'll have your hands free when peeing.

Oh yes. Thanks. That helps a lot.
Lucky me.

I wouldn't look in there if I were you.

I told you!

You'll find the most peculiar things
in women's handbags.

This for example.

Do you know what this is for?

When I found this in her handbag,
I first thought,

"Great! Finally, she wants to get
hammered with me. Like the old times."

Hey, sweetheart. To us!

Thanks, but I'll pass.

Yeah? Okay.

That's my menstrual cup by the way.

Your what?

It collects blood when I'm on my period.

When? How? Uh... I mean, where?

I can't believe I can massage
your prostate with my middle finger

and you don't even try to understand
how my cycle works.

Cycle?

If you think about it,
you know cycle means circle.

Over a month
I encounter very different Claudias.

Most of the time, she's normal.

Until suddenly, from nowhere,
the munchies appear.

No thanks.

I just had a taste.

And after the munchies come the blues.

It's awful!

Oh my God, sweetheart. What did I do?

The mammoths. They're all dead!

But that was thousands of years ago.
What made you think of that?

Socks, equals Christmas, equals tree,

equals forest, equals environment,

equals catastrophe,
equals extinction, equals mammoths.

I have an idea for a top joke.

Where do you find baby mammoths?

Bourne-moth.

Phase three of Claudia's cycle
gets dangerous.

Know what I'd really like
to do right now?

I'd like to beat you with my ovaries
until you know how shit I feel.

I can't help not getting periods.

Just because I'm furious
when I have my period,

doesn't mean I always have my period
when I'm furious!

She's lying.

Hoffmann here
developed a cycle app for men

that keeps me posted on which Claudia
I have to deal with when I wake up.

It's quite simple.
Green is the normal Claudia.

Gold is the fertile days.
Blue is PMS Claudia.

And red is the apocalypse.

Mood swings or not,
one thing's for certain:

Women developed
the first calendar with their cycle.

So the next time you're vexed

about waiting for your wife,

remember this: Without her,
there wouldn't be a calendar.

Reminder: Tongue Go. Lick me.

Lick me.

Lick me.

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah...

Congrats, you've reached an orgasm.

Where were we?
Ah yes, on the way to Guido's.

I was eating a bonbon to get rid
of the gross screen taste,

when Claudia came back and asked,

Do you have a bonbon for me too?

I got it from your bag.
There was only one left.

You ate the bonbon in my bag?

- But I didn't look inside.
- That was my lucky bonbon.

Your what?

Nike gave it to me
on our first day of school.

I've saved it for 30 years.

I did wonder
why it hardly had any taste.

But what kind of stupid present is that?

Well, one without a battery.
Maybe that's why you don't get it.

What is actually wrong with you?

- Something's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.

No, it's just...

- What?
- I have to think.

I don't know how to break it to you.

You've having an affair.

The last thing I need is another woman.

I...

I had a vision.

Like an...

imaginary twin from the Stone Age.

And I...

I'm afraid I might be ill.
I think I have a brain tumour.

Thank God!

Thank God?

I tell you I have a growth in my head
and you say, "Thank God"?

But we know you're a bit oversensitive
when it comes to illness.

Where are we?

At Guido's, of course!

I thought Guido's was a pizzeria.

If you want to perform next week
you need a shirt.

If I want to perform next week
I need a set.

Come on, we're leaving.

Welcome! Can I help you?

- I need a shirt.
- Lovely.

What kind of shirt?

One that doesn't say anything about me.

Cute. Feel.

- Soft?
- Yes! Silk.

Sweet, right? Sweet, right?

- I only need a shirt.
- What colour?

- Eggshell or ivory?
- White?

Together with some meggings.
Bobby has such a cute bum.

What size do you wear? Slim fit?

Better loose fit.

Double cuffs or a combi?

Or maybe a jumper.

Oh yes, nice. A jumper.

- A heavy knit.
- Yes, cute.

- Like Til Schweiger.
- Try it on.

- Try it on.
- Lovely.

I'm feeling a little dizzy.

I only wanted a shirt.

- Everything okay?
- Look sweetheart, it's Guido.

One pizza quattro stagioni.

That doesn't look good.

Oh, man.
But blue is actually his colour.

Come on, we'll leave him to lie here.
We have really cute dresses on sale.

Come on.

Madness, right?

When women are frustrated,
they have to do a gatherer thing.

Something with excitation
and alternation.

When men are frustrated
they have to narrow their focus.

So for example, watch TV,
or read a newspaper, or...

Or just stare into space for a while.

Hungry.

What... Who is that?

Lovely. Just like your photo.

You're just missing...

There... bombproof.

I don't understand.
Why didn't he invite him?

Okay, cutie.
Yes, I'll find out and get back to you.

Well, are you happy?
I thought it was too much at first.

But I didn't want to boss you around
after the shopping.

Thanks.

Bobby?
Did you invite Hoffmann to your set?

- Why should I?
- He's your best friend.

But he doesn't want to go.

- Are you sure?
- Yes. 100%.

Nike has the feeling he's disappointed
he's the only one not invited.

- The only one? I didn't invite anyone.
- Well, you invited me.

- You want me to come, don't you?
- Course.

Besides, I think Hoffmann's
really upset about Ivanka.

- Did he not tell you they split up?
- Yes. Well, of course he told me.

- What do you know about it?
- Well, nothing.

What do you mean, "Well, nothing"?

- Yes, why don't I know anything?
- You didn't ask.

Exactly! And why didn't I ask you?

- Because you're ignorant.
- Exactly!

Because I'm a hunter.

When stalking you have to be still,
SO as to not scare your prey.

Jabbering isn't our business.

On the contrary.

It endangers business.

You didn't talk about it?

To Claudia my silence means
I'm refusing to trade information.

I think it's dumb
you keep secrets from me.

- I tell you everything.
- We don't talk about that.

Maybe that should make you think. Maybe
he needs a shoulder to cry on for once.

- He'll be scared you'll react badly.
- I don't react badly.

Honestly, you're uncomfortable
with any expression of emotion.

That's not true at all.

I can show my emotions.
Very expressively.

Just not always and everywhere,
but only...

in the stadium
where I regularly vent my feelings,

so I don't have to show them elsewhere.

Mammoths! Mammoths! Mammoths!

It's Hoffmann.

- What does he want?
- Hoffmann, it's Claudia.

Bobby wants to tell you
something important.

- What does he want?
- Yes, what do I want?

Invite him!

Hey, you bugger.

- Be nicer.
- Hey, you stupid bugger.

Tell him you'd be really happy
if he came to your set.

Hey, I just wanted to say
I wouldn't mind if you came

to this weird open mic night.

Why should I?

Tell him you've reserved
a seat in the first row.

- You get spat on in the first row.
- Tell him he's important to you.

- I won't tell him that.
- What won't you tell me?

- I... Na...
- Tell him you love him.

- Definitely not telling him that.
- What?

Say it. Say it!

- What won't you tell me?
- I love you!

That wasn't so hard.

I'm getting quite hungry now.
I have to eat.

My hair's wet.
Sorry, be patient a little longer.

- We'll get a nice bite to eat.
- I don't want a nice bite.

I just want something to eat!

I just find such shops
kind of excessive.

It's delicious.

I don't know what you mean
by "getting something nice to eat".

If you find everything excessive,
in future we can just eat like that guy.

Excuse me.

Hello, I have to ask you
to leave my restaurant immediately.

- Please.
- Why?

I'm not one to look away
when women are harassed, okay?

- Everything okay?
- Yes, all good.

No, no, no. He just tried to solicit
those women for oral sex.

- What?
- Yes, he licked them.

Hey, I don't lick.

It was clear, you repressed macho pig.

I saw him licking his mobile earlier.

- Huh?
- Bobby?

Anna!

Bobby you... You look so different.

Really nice jumper.

Yes, thanks. It's...

unosex.

- You know each other?
- Uh...

Yes, this is Bobby, my ex.
And this is Saskia, my wife.

Then you're the arsehole type.
Glad to meet you.

- Bobby.
- No, you don't get it.

Anna's into arseholes.
That's why she left me.

Because I was too nice for her.
Me! Nice!

Yes, and a bit boring too.

I need more of a challenge,
more friction.

- We have lots of friction.
- We're constantly fighting.

I'm almost as big an arsehole as you.

Ah yes, you're the guy who cried
when you left him.

- Yes.
- You cried?

- What?
- Because of her?

- Uh...
- You've never cried because of me.

Don't sweat it.

The last time Anna was teary was
when you went diving without goggles?

Crying isn't an accomplishment.
I mean...

Why is he laughing?

He has a brain tumour.

Bobby stop laughing. It's rude.

Yes, of course.
Crying in public is great.

But laugh... I shouldn't do that.

You know what? You women...

You're nuts.

Surprise!

Why are they here?

So that you have a bit of a distraction
before your set next week.

- I don't need a distraction.
- Well, it's too late for that now.

- ...looks a bit like...
- ...not funny...

Audience. Audience.

Is he always like that?
A rather funny guy?

No, not funny at all.

- But humour is if you can laugh anyway.
- Mine.

What happened to Bobby's eye?

Probably hit by the mumps?

Who are you?

I'm a friend of Nike and Claudia.

Dr Sabine Ekjulat.

Ekjulat. Interesting.
What kind of doctor are you?

- She...
- A gynaecologist.

Say, have you been introduced?

This is Hoffmann, my best friend.

- And this is...
- Bernd Schmalling.

I know who you are.
Bernd from the stupid job.

Your problem
was that your wife can't orgasm, right?

Did Tongue Go work?

I don't dance the tango. I manage the
car dealership Bobby was employed at.

Was...

I won't have you make a fool of me.

First you're ill
and then you throw a dinner party!

Uh, if... If...

Where's he gone? There's still tiramisu!

He had to leave urgently. There was
an emergency at the dealership.

He has no cars left at the dealership.

I know what's different.
You have a hinge.

- Hinge thingamajig.
- Fringe.

- It's a fringe.
- Hinge or fringe. Doesn't matter.

Look at him.
You can see a fringe matters.

He wanted it like that.

- Let's make a toast?
- Cheers!

Thanks for the invitation, Claudia.

And to a great gig for Bobby next week.

Cheers!

- Gotta say, I can't wait for your set.
- Yes.

- If you need help...
- Sweet.

...let me know,

or if I should look
through your notes or...

That's... I'm... still working on it.

- But it's next week, yeah?
- Next week.

And we're almost sold out.

- Wow!
- Woohoo!

- Lucky you reserved!
- You did?

Yes, at the very front,
in the first row.

- You have Bobby, right?
- You get spat on in the first row.

Perhaps we can have a little taster?

- Yes, come on.
- Just for us. A trial run.

Come on, please! Go on!

Bobby!

Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

Where do you find...

a fast-moving mammoth?

Dartmoth.

Was that funny?

You don't want me at your gig, do you?

Do you?

No. I don't actually want you there.

You distract me.

You sell my sofa.

You unbox my action figure treasures.

You don't even
let me go to the loo in peace.

You drive me crazy.

I can't take it anymore and I...

just want one thing: I want to watch TV.

So...

Is there still tiramisu?

Sweetheart, I just overreacted, okay?
Of course, you can come.

If this is the basis of your set,
I don't want to.

- What's got into you?
- The caveman!

The what?

Caveman.

I tried to tell you before.

Listen, I'm a caveman.

It's the cool English word
for "Höhlenmann".

Never mind. You're a gatherer.

There's probably
not a cool word for that.

Nah.

We misunderstand each other because

it's as if
we're from different cultures.

We don't even speak the same language.

Ultimately, it's unnatural for us
to spend so much time together.

Because I'm on the hunt,
you're gathering.

After that you should just be
in our cave sticking to the rules.

What rules?

Firstly, you can't bother me
anymore while I'm hunting.

Bobby, what are you going to hunt?

You can't even sort out the mice
in the souterrain.

I mean modern hunting.

Like... watching TV.

Yes, when I'm focusing
my batteries are charging

and I hate it
when someone's jabbering on at me.

You're not supposed to not talk at all,
just not to me.

Why not talk to other women
at the supermarket?

Then you could gather
and talk at the same time.

Secondly, I'm never going to clean
or tidy up again.

I get that our house is your cave
where you follow your rituals.

And I've obviously no say in the matter.

And if we want to live in harmony
with one another,

then we should each
only take on the tasks

nature intended for us!

What's your task, if I may ask?

Well, that's just it.

Obviously,
it's much, much harder for us men

to follow our natural instincts
than it is for you women.

I can't just run around
and kill something. That's illegal.

And I can't provide for you anymore
as I just lost my job because of you.

Because of me?
You hated that job anyway.

I sacrificed myself because it's my task
to provide for you!

- I can provide for myself!
- Precisely!

That's the fundamental problem!

You're taking my task away from me
and emasculating me!

Claudia. Wait.
Don't get so hung up on words.

Claudia, please. Don't be childish.
I'll explain it to you again.

Now...

See? You're gathering. Yes.

You're gathering because you're stressed
and it gives you strength.

I'm not gathering, I'm packing.

- I'm going to stay with Nike.
- What? Why?

I don't want to hear this macho drivel.

You're insensitive
and only think of yourself.

It's my instinct to be selfish.

I have to focus on myself entirely

so I don't get attacked
by a bear while hunting.

- What bear?
- No idea. A brown one...

What?

You make out you don't notice a thing
so I have to do it all.

It's not your instinct.

You're just too lazy
to become a better person.

Let me guess, women are better?

It'd be enough if you put yourself
in my shoes now and again.

I don't even dare look in your handbag!

- Because you're afraid of feelings.
- Wow, that's mean.

- I have feelings.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- What feelings?

I really need to drink something.

Thirst isn't a feeling.

Hey, comparing
our emotional capabilities

is about as fair as if my gran
were to race Usain Bolt.

Women are miles better. They train
constantly and with the very best.

Okay.

Come into my arms. You're almost there!

Yes, go! Come on!

Run! Run! Come to me!

Let it all out. Let it out.

Yeah?

Let's analyse
which pain is the strongest.

Feel. Is it distraught disappointment
or wild rage?

We had a fight.

Oh, okay.

You can sleep here.

I don't have any more blankets, but...
Hey, why don't you use this towel?

Then he said
I shouldn't jabber on so much.

But when you're in love,
you want to know all about each other.

- I know everything about you.
- Yeah.

- Because you love me.
- Very much. I love you very much.

There's the remote.
You can finish the crisps.

But don't make so many crumbs, hm?

That...

is love.

Of course, he loves you.

He just can't really show it.

Because he's just
very, very emotionally stunted.

They should actually
give you a plaque for him.

Why have a romance,

when you can have a bromance?

Of course, everything was much,
much easier at first with Hoffmann.

What were you like as a child?

Why do you ask?

Your socks.

Socks, equals presents, equals
Christmas, equals joy, equals childhood.

It's clear what's happening here.

Think back a moment
to when women weren't allowed to act.

It was mean, unfair, whatever.

If a play needed a queen,
one of the men had to assume the role

to make the story work.

What is it?

Nothing.

- Something's wrong.
- No!

I think it's dumb
you keep secrets from me.

Oh, look! Look, how pretty!

It snowed!

Old Mother Frost shook out her bed.

Seeing snow doesn't remind me
of fairy tales, but of...

war.

- Ow!
- We said, no hands!

You started it.

That feels so good.

Look, they have an igloo.

We make fire. They can't do that.

Oh, your trapezius muscle
is really tight.

Oh, that feels good.

You never massage me.

Let's go in. I don't want
to watch the Flintstones make fire.

I want to take a hot bath anyway.
Want one too?

Oh, yes please.

- Hello, Hoffmann!
- Hello, Toni!

I don't want Toni with you.
You show her photos of naked women.

- What?
- Sweetheart?

Can we maybe have another chat?

Can we please quickly have another chat?

Sadly, I don't understand.
We don't speak the same language.

I know but...
I didn't mean it like that. Well...

Bobby.

You can see into Nike's
from Toni's treehouse.

Excuse me,

but it's a bit weird
you want to peep at my wife bathing.

What?

How am I the sexual suspect here?

Just because I live alone?
I don't peep at anyone.

I made a deal with Toni to watch him

so he's not scared to fall asleep.

- Got it.
- Claudia's not my type. I like Nike.

Pardon?

Yes.

I like Nike.
She's pretty and clever and funny.

- Since when?
- No idea, since she was born?

No, since when have you liked her?

Since always!
Why do you think I moved here?

- Because of me.
- No. Well, yes, that too.

I love Nike.

Happy?

Now you know my deepest secret.

Claudia and Nike...

They're so cool and emancipated.

They just want men
who are on an equal footing with them.

Claudia doesn't need me at all.

Next to her I feel like a wimp.

You should be glad.

When a woman like that loves you,
she only loves you for the man you are,

and not because she depends on you.

I wish I had something like that.

Hello, what about lvanka,
Maylen, Sofie, Cheryl, Lisa?

They're only interested in me
for my body.

- And my money.
- What money?

Well, from the apps. Tongue Go, Love Go,
they've brought in a bit.

- Really? How much?
- Two... Three...

- What?
- Million.

Why am I paying off your loans then?

Sorry. I thought it might be important
for your self-confidence.

I can pay it back immediately.
It's quite a bit of money.

Maybe that's good
now that you're reorientating jobwise.

Does Nike know you're in love with her?

- It's really quite clear.
- Sure, course.

- But have you told her?
- Not using words.

How then?

Hey.

Hey.

Are you well?

Yes.

Me too. Well, health-wise.
I feel terrific.

Nice.

I wanted to bring back
the mug of sugar you lent me, well...

just the mug without sugar.

This isn't my mug.

No?

- You know best how to do that.
- How?

You don't tell Claudia
you want to separate.

- But I can see it.
- Hello, I want to be with her!

- Oh, really?
- Yes!

- You don't act like it.
- How do you think I should act?

Honestly,
I'd be really interested to know

how a person
who's loved his neighbour so secretly

that his best mate didn't know

has all of a sudden
become an expert in communication!

- Don't shout at me!
- I'm not shouting at you!

If men and women are different cultures,
we should just learn their language.

But why us?

They should integrate! Them!
It's not called fatherland for nothing!

I think I need help.

Urgently. Fast.

Welcome. Can I...

My name is Robert Muller.

And I can't shop.

You can shop. We can do this.
Okay? Together.

We can do this.
But we're starting at a high level here.

Now I need something
a little extraordinary.

I thought: Green, sequins,

a one way zipper, maybe a jungle print.

And this is vital:
It has to accentuate the bum.

Now he's going mad.

How come we have nipples
although we can't provide milk?

The nipples have already formed.

Testosterone supresses
female breast development

and the embryo forms male features.

In car speak, the base model is a woman

and I'm a woman with optional extras?

Says here women
see more colours than us.

There must be something women can't do.

- They can't vote everywhere.
- Think you're so smart?

I just try to understand things
before I form an opinion.

That's why you're undecided
about being Anton or Antonia?

Would you want to be a woman

if it meant your erogenous zone
would become a wound?

If being a woman meant,
when you want kids,

getting internal and external
examinations,

while your clock ticks and your man
can't even take a cup...

How do you know all of this?

I've been with Claudia and Mum
since I was born. I know everything.

Why not give a sperm sample?
It's no big deal.

It is a big deal.

When you have a wonderful wife
and want a child with her

and if for eight years...

you haven't been capable of making one,
then it's a big deal.

It has to be more comparison
than confrontation.

Less "Alien vs. Predator",
more Laurel and Hardy.

The more I think about women,
the more complex it all gets.

Listen, every set
needs an emotional basis, okay?

Behind every good gag
is an objective, a truth.

- Or even just a feeling.
- A feeling?

- Yes.
- Sure.

Let's postpone
till you know what you'll say.

No, no, no, no way.
Really. I can do this.

I need to be able to do something.

Yes, but what is your objective?

Claudia.
I want to understand her, and her me.

I want us to get each other,
men and women too.

Okay, that's an objective.

That's an objective.

Ask Toni what Simone means
when she writes,

"One is not born,
but rather becomes, a woman."

You know nothing about Morse code,
do you?

Shit, I'd like to know
what they're saying.

I can lipread.

I can lipread.

- Why?
- Foreign Legion.

"I don't know if it's the right time..."

- For what? Look!
- Shh! I need to concentrate!

"Course I'm looking forward to it...

but now I think Bobby doesn't want to.

He recently said
he can't picture Tinder."

- What?
- "Life without Tinder?"

"What an idiot."

That was Nike, not me.
I could go without Tinder.

Yes, but does she want
an open relationship now? Look!

"I don't know if I can stay
with Bobby much longer.

If he's going on this macho spree
and doesn't want Tinder."

"Don't worry. If he doesn't want to
we'll do it together.”

"I love Tinder."

Something had to happen fast.

So I decided to use
my newly acquired knowledge about women

to win Claudia over.

- What are you doing here?
- My wife works here.

There's no entry for fans here.

Hello and welcome, lovely people

to the World Champions League final

between...

Bayern Munich and the Mammoths!

Let's look at the players...

Eric, how many times have I said
I don't give massages?

You don't go to Muller-Wohlfahrt hoping
for a treatment with a happy ending.

Bobby?

Hey, you look cute. You...

Well, that accentuates your bum.

You can go. Bobby, stop this nonsense.

It's an important game. I need to focus.

I only wanted to come by...

- Yeah.
- ...to invite you to my gig.

I got you a table in the first row.

And... And I put myself in your shoes.
I cleaned. Hey, I went shopping.

- Cleaning and shopping?
- Yes.

Yes. I bought you a dress.

- Andi.
- Look at it! It's pretty and green.

- Is this a joke?
- No, it's real. It's Versace.

This is payback? You want to show me
how annoying my surprise party was.

Sorry, I thought it was a nice idea,
but don't worry,

I certainly won't be doing it again.

Are you crying?

- Stop crying.
- It's because of you.

It's nice you're showing your feelings,
but this isn't the place.

Hello, we're in a stadium!

Yes, but let's talk about it
another time. Now's not the time.

- It isn't. It...
- Bobby!

- Not now!
- No, I don't... I don't care.

Hello, hello. I don't care.

Everyone can hear.

Get lost, you fatty!

Get lost!

Emancipation.

- Do you know what it actually means?
- Who cares?

- It's Latin.
- Piss off!

And it means...

to declare the son free
of the father's power.

Now you're surprised, aren't you?
Nothing to do with women.

That means us men.

We have to free ourselves
from the opinions of our fathers,

to fucking evolve!

Bobby.

Women are evolving constantly,

because they've always had to struggle
to improve their situation.

But a lot of us men

are still stuck in these old structures,

because we have no idea

about the future of our gender!

Why do we need high heels
if there aren't stirrups anymore?

- Bobby.
- And...

- Stop, you're demoralizing the players.
- No.

Us men, all of you, us men,

we have to emancipate ourselves!

Otherwise we'll eliminate ourselves,

we'll go extinct, like the mammoths!

Despite doing everything
like a gatherer,

it somehow
spun completely out of control.

Apologies for the slight interruption.
What a joker! The game...

Time was running out.
! Needed an expert.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

You have to help me. I really need
someone who knows about women.

I don't know what the next step is.

It's less than an hour till my set.

I tried talking to her.
It wasn't the right time.

She's on her period.

- Maybe the app's broken.
- My app is not broken.

And how do you explain
that sex on red days was always taboo,

but suddenly Claudia
wants to sign up for Tinder with Nike?

M... Maybe she just wants
to be loved a little?

They cuddle all the time.

They stroke
each other's tummies and stuff.

I think the signs are pretty clear.

Claudia is quite obviously...

- A lesbian.
- Huh? That can't be.

- And why can't it be?
- Yes, why can't it be?

- Claudia's in love with Nike.
- Nonsense!

Why?

Nike is a wonderful person
and very, very loveable.

And now...

Of all people, Claudia is taking her
away from me. It's really...

Really frustrating
and also... also a bit unfair.

Why?

No, no, no, no.

It just can't be.

Well, it can be that they get on,
but sexually...

it doesn't do anything for Claudia.

Could it be that sex is also based on
your hunter-gatherer concept?

Another gatherer would know much better
what Claudia's basket needs...

than a hunter like you.

Basket?

Women have a basket, yeah?

A vessel that has to be soft and open
so it can be filled.

And what have you got?

Maybe a spear.

Okay. And it has to be hard
in order to work, right?

Women's sexual needs are complex.

Really? Who'd have thought?

We fill our baskets
depending on mood, time, offering.

At times we want it hard,
then soft, fast, slow.

Why can't you concentrate on one thing?

Don't you like this?

You're not even on the right side.

You're cute.

I knew it.

- Are you spying on me?
- No.

- I just knew you lied to me.
- No.

- I felt it.
- That's the problem I have with Claudia.

- You had his dick in your hand.
- Pardon?

The spear wasn't in the basket.

I was only showing him
how nice it is with a woman.

Yes, thanks to Anna
I get what a basket needs and...

Hey, if you want, we can have
an open relationship. It's fine with me.

Shit! Claudia!

Shit! Saskia.

- Claudia, wait!
- I'm an idiot. I thought you'd changed.

- I have changed!
- An erection doesn't count!

Do me a favour and watch the set.

- No.
- You'll see... Wait!

Hey, you can't just grab me.
We're not in the Stone Age.

Don't act like I grabbed your...
Shit, your hair.

Are you nuts?

That's not my hair.

Or do you think it grew 40cm overnight?

What do I know? It could be anything.

I'm trying to understand,
but women are insanely complex!

But I'm not a woman!

- What are you then?
- I'm Claudia Miller and I've had enough!

Claudia, wait please. Hey!

Wait now, please.

Bobby?

Come here!

Yes, hello. And looks who's here.
Bobby's come from the future.

It's Bobby! It's Bobby! Is that Bobby?
Is that Bobby?

Look. See the resemblance?

It's beautiful.
Well, beautiful as in cute.

Yeah.

- Probably takes after the mother.
- Yes.

Oh, shit.

I forgot about her.
Hold the baby a second.

Don't cry. Don't cry!

Listen, I know a great joke.

Um, do you know this one?
What was the mammoth's favourite drink?

Vermouth!

Hey...

It laughed.

It laughed! It's laughing!

I took this baby's worries away!

No idea what makes a modern man, but...

I'd love to be a mother.

Know what I mean?

I'd love to be a 24-hour,
annoying, know-it-all father.

We no longer live in the Stone Age.

I can go through the screen
to my wife in the dressing room

to tell her the only thing...

that really matters:

I love you.

And Claudia's right.

She's isn't a woman.

And not a gatherer either.

And I'm not a hunter.

But a vegetarian.

She's her.

We're different.

Everyone in this room.

We can misunderstand each other

or we can complement each other.

Without Claudia
I wouldn't be standing here.

In truth, my applause is her applause.

In fact Claudia should be

sitting here in the first row, but...

- You get spat on in the first row.
- Exactly.

Bobby.

Sorry I'm late.

It doesn't matter.

You invented the calendar.

You did great.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
unbelievable but true...

This is Claudia Muller!

THE END...

Cooking doesn't mean taking all the
praise and leaving the kitchen a mess.

I try not to disturb Bobby anymore
when he's "hunting".

While we're making a new mistake,
others are making old ones.

- What is this?
- A bonbon.

Where's the battery?

I don't know if this affects you,

but what used to be the workshop for men
is now the kitchen.

- Don't touch my Santoku knife, you'll...
- ...ruin the blade.

A Japanese knife. It's delicate.

It's treated more tenderly than I am.

Apropos complete idiots.
We forgot something. The poll.

Which of you still thinks
Bobby is a complete idiot?

Me.

And, action!

Alright!

I look like a Kardashian.

Put on that great smile again.

I can't anymore.

He's probably just nervous
about his set next week.

I don't understand.

It's not funny, it's just a penis.

You just have to make sure...

You just have to... What do you
have to do? You have to hoover.

Try it on.

Pretty! Cute!

I'm going to
perform at an open mic... no!

Wait, yes! Shit.

There are men on the staff
who think I have a massage parlour.

I'd think so too
if I got to know you like that.

Shit!

That way.

Remember wanting to tile the bathroom
with iridescent mosaic biscuits...

Remember wanting to tile the bathroom
with iridescent mosaic plates...

- Oscillating...
- I know.

Remember we wanted to tile the bathroom
with iridescent mosaic biscuits...

- I don't know what's wrong.
- Try saying emission dummy distributor.

- Emission dummy distributor.
- See, she's got it.

Now show me
saying emission dummy distributor.

I'll boot up the emission nummy...
No, dummy.

- The emission... What's it called?
- Emission dummy distributor.

What's it called? Crazy, right?

The emissions dummy... Damn it.

What's it called?

- Emission dummy distributor!
- I know!

It's not called fatherland for nothing.

The Hamburg version. And a Pils! Pils!

And another Pils! And more Pils!

I'm trying to understand but you...

- You look like a squirrel from behind.
- I know!

- Bobby?
- Say!

- That was a bit early.
- A bit early? Go again.

I want to hit you with...

Shit! Sorry, man!

You know what? I...

No Limits Media 2021
Subtitles: Ameera Rajabali et al.