Caught in the Draft (1941) - full transcript

L

Ten seconds to go.

Remember now, this is a one-way
street: forwards. Understand?

All right, gang. Let's take 'em.
Follow me!

It's loaded!

It's got bullets...
loud ones!

Don, this is supposed
to be a battle!

We can't have a battle without bullets.
Stop the rain!

Step back, boys.
Yeah, stand back!

Oh, I feel dizzy.
I think I'm gonna faint.

Wheres Bert? Bert! Bert!



Bert! Bert? That's me!

Get me outta this trunk.
Bert!

Whats the matter, boss?
I'll getcha a chair.

Never mind the chair.
Get me a quart of blood.

Sit down, Don.
I'll be all right.

I'll be all right.

What's the idea? You promised me
there wouldn't be any shooting.

But, Don, they were only blanks.
I can't stand the noise.

You said you'd put in the sound later.
I meant the artillery stuff.

I didn't think a few
pistol shots'd bother ya!

They do, I tell ya.
I can't stand it.

I even jump when somebody
cracks his knuckles.

I'll get some brandy.
Just get me some water.

Some water!



They're shooting some battle
scenes today, Colonel.

Would you care to watch? Oh, yes.
Should be very interesting.

And quite a novelty too, eh, Dad?
Uh-huh.

I used a Sam Brown belt for a teething
ring and was weaned on a canteen.

Can't we see something
in a more romantic mood?

Well, our great screen lover,
Ronald Adair,

is home in bed today. Really?
Whats the matter.

His hangnail is acting up again.

All right, boys. Back on the
set in fifteen minutes.

Feelin' okay now, boss?
I'm fine,

but I'll have to have somebody
iron out my goose pimples.

Picture business!
Terrible, isn't it?

What you have to go through
to make a fortune!

Maybe you oughta stay home
tonight for a change.

I've got a heavy date and you're driving.
Every night a different dame!

Thirty gals a month
is your quota.

I wish they'd do something
about February.

Oh boy! Get an eyeful of
the honey with Steve!

All right, Stanley,
start rounding up your people.

Mmm, that's a bundle.

She looks like Dorothy
Lamour with clothes on.

It must be quite a struggle to
achieve success in Hollywood.

You just have to know
which fork to use...

and which knife to stick
in whose back.

Oh, Don.
Miss Fairbanks,

I want you to know my client, Mr.
Don Bolton.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Fairbanks?
How do you do?

Pardon the left hand.
The right one is paralyzed.

How awful! Yes, signing
too many autographs.

Your face seems very familiar, Mr.
Bolton.

You've probably seen it
around the country,

plastered all over barnyards,
chicken coops and stables.

I suppose somebody has
to keep the cows contented.

Yes, they do.
Mr. Bolton?

Would you grant me a great favor?
Lf it'll make you happy.

I've always wondered
if that were your real nose.

Thank you.

If you press a little harder,
water squirts out of the button.

I'm sorry I'm not doing one of my
love scenes today. You'd be thrilled.

Do you think so? I know so. When
I play one of my hot love scenes,

the camera perspires.
How exciting!

I've toasted many a leading lady.
Oh, you're wonderful.

I'm sort of a Madeleine
Carroll with muscles. Really?

More blood.
Make me braver.

How would you like to see the
movie stars' homes? I'd love to!

Fine, we'll start with my house.
Dinner at 8:00, all right?

This is a private
conversation, bud.

No extras in the scene.
But, Mr. Bolton...

What? Go find your
spear and sit on it.

Why isn't he dirty like the rest of us?
He should be!

Stop it! You trying to
be fancy or something?

Stop it! How dare you!
There, that's better.

Now he looks good.
Wait, please.

This is my father,
Colonel Fairbanks.

Well, these fe...
Your father!

Then you're a real colonel?
I thought you were an actor.

I'm sure I could never
make that mistake about you.

Excuse me, sir.
Let me wipe it off.

Let me help. Don't you know a
real colonel from a character?

I'm very sorry.
L wouldn’t do it for...

Come on, Dad. We'll take
care of this at home.

- Oh, wait, please!
- Go jump in the lake!

What about our date? The
next time I see you,

I hope you're stuffed with
cloves in a delicatessen window.

Come, Dad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Golly, Don, you hurt?
- Don, where are ya?

I can see you
but you can't see me.

Ooh, mammy!

Hey, Bert, did you see
the headlines in the paper?

Do you see what it says about the draft?
Don't get excited, boss.

It don't mean nothin'. Anything the
Senate starts, the president will veto.

You can't tell. He's liable
to be in a bad mood.

Twenty-one
to forty.

And you're thirty-two.

I'd go in a minute if I was sure
they wouldn't shoot any guns off.

Besides, that would keep me off the
screen for a year. What would my fans do?

Maybe they're the ones who put
the draft through. Not so funny.

More biscuits, Mr. Bolton?
They are nice and hot.

Thanks, Yetta.

No, thanks, Yetta. What's the matter?
You look worried?

It looks like I'm caught in the draft.
Oh, I pull the window down.

No, it's not that kind. You'd
have to pull the Senate down.

Senate? He means he may have
to register for the army.

Oh, that's too bad! How about you?
Did you ever register as an alien?

I have no time. You're an alien
and you're supposed to register.

They got enough aliens!

They don't need me to draft...

Hey, Don'. What are
you doing here?

You don't collect your I 0%
of my salary 'til Saturday.

Did you read it? I read
it right off the paper.

What does it say?
I might be drafted.

That's what I thought.
Do you know what that means?

That means you get $21 a month. And
what do I get outta that? $2.10!

I'll starve to death! I'm in
favor of that part of it.

You starve to death!
What about me?

Cannons, bombs and bullets!
I couldn't stand it.

Hmm. I don't want
any of that!

You guys are stewin'
about nothin'!

Suppose they do call. How do you
know you'll pass the physical exam?

Let me see your feet. My feet?

What do you think? That reminds me,
did they ever find the Bremen?

I wish you were on it. Let
me see the other one.

I'm afraid they're all right.
He ain't got no little toe!

Yes, he has. It
just likes to cuddle.

What do people do to get flatfeet?
I don't know.

What did you do to your head?

Flatfeet, huh?

Mmm.

I

Bill Robinson, get it?

I get it.

You should see
the blisters on my feet.

You should've put
court-plaster on them.

I did. Now the court-plaster's
got blisters.

Maybe you could shoot
one of your toes off,

just that cuddly one. I
couldn't stand the noise.

If I were you, I'd marry
one of them dolls of yours.

That's it. Thousands of guys are
gettin' married to avoid the draft.

That's like cuttin' your throat to cure
laryngitis. Don't have to be permanent.

It's just for the duration
of the emergency.

Sure! Then you can
throw her back to the wolves.

Hmm, I wonder.

I'd do it in a minute, but every dame
I propose to wants me to support her.

I wouldn't know who to pick.

Get me my little red book.

Which volume?

Boy, boss!

You couldn't go wrong
with this one.

Couldn't I?

Elaine... nice kid
but she snores.

My sister went to school with her.
What's wrong with this one?

She's got a nice, honest face.

Get a load of these twins.

Those aren't twins!
That's my girl!

She's a little plump, isn't she?

Where's she now?
Boulder Dam.

Working?
She's part of it.

Some of your numbers
ain't so hot, either.

There's Ruth, a phony.

Phoebe. Lucille,
a cute redhead.

Brenda and Cobina!
Arf!

How about that?
Hmm?

That's not bad, not bad at all!

I think she's the one.
I'm sure of it.

I'll give her a slight jingle.

You forgot somethin', boss.
Whats that?

She's already married.

Oh, Silly girl!

Hey, well look who's here!

That's the girl you brought
on the set the other day.

Mm-hmm. Now there's a girl
I think I could stand...

for a year. What's she
got that they ain't got?

Nothin', only
she groups it better.

I'd hate to have that old
sourpuss for a father-in-law.

Yes, sir, I think she's the
answer to a conscriptee's prayer.

Ain't you takin'
a lot for granted?

She told you to go jump in the lake.
She was only kiddin'.

I bet I have her
over here this afternoon.

I went outwith a girl who told
me to go jump in the lake.

When I got back, she was gone.

I don't know why. Do you?
No. No.

Get his nibs. Look at the
fire hazard on his upper lip.

If he ever combed that out, a couple
of forest rangers would fall out.

Well, what is it?

It's Mr. Bolton, ma'am.
He's in pretty bad shape.

Yes, he's taken a turn
for the worse.

The doctors are afraid it might be
permanent. Did he have an accident?

Now, Miss Fairbanks,
you know what happened.

You pushed him into the trench.
I did not push him!

Whatever you did to him,
he's hurt his spine.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Did he...

Did he send you here?
Oh, no, no.

Only last night, when he was
delirious, he kept calling for you.

Yeah, he kept sayin': “Antonio!
I need you, Antonio. ”

Who's that?
Ain't that you?

- My name is Antoinette.
- Oh, that's what he said.

He pronounces very bad
when he's delirious.

We thought you might
surprise him and come over.

I'll be very happy to.

I'll slip something on.

We'll wait down here.

He's sitting out in the garden.

Sitting? With
an injured spine?

He's sitting but it hurts.
But he's sitting. Look.

Don sure is a
glutton for punishment.

Seeing you will
do him a lot of good.

Hello, there.

Miss...
Miss Fairbanks!

No, it can't be. Of course it is.
How are you feeling?

Pretty good, but the spots in front
of my eyes had me worried. Spots?

It isn't the spots so much. It's those
little men playing pool with them.

That's what you get
for not using a double.

I didn't know you were
so dangerous.

It's nice of you to come over.
Not at all.

What do the doctors have to say?
Oh, it's nothing serious,

just a broken back.

How do you like my stone girdle?

I'm really terribly sorry.
I'm not.

I might never have
seen you again.

Well, I did get to see a movie
star's home after all, didn't I?

My, what a lovely swimming pool!

Oh, it's adequate.

What's that over there,
another swimming pool?

Oh, last year's.

Why don't you sit down?
Thank you.

How are you, chief?
Hello, Steve.

Your X rays. They just arrived.
X rays?

Oh, yes. Thanks, Steve.
May I see them?

Well, I'm just skin and bones.

Have you seen much of Hollywood since
you've been here? No, not very.

Then you still need
a tourist guide.

It'll be a little crowded
in that wheelchair.

I don't think I'll be laid up very long.
I heal fast. Terrific resistance!

I'm sure you have.

How would you like to take me out tonight?
Oh, sure...

Tonight? Well, I can try of
course, but those X rays...

- If these are your X rays, the
date's off! - What do you mean?

If I remember my anatomy,
this is an X Ray of a woman.

Huh? Good day, Madam Bolton!

Now listen, please!

Wait a minute.
Have a heart, will ya?

Look at all the trouble I went to just to
get you over here, just to talk to ya.

I know I acted like a heel at the studio,
but can't you relent just a little?

Well...
all right.

All right!

Oh, freedom.
Ohh!

Ah, you lucky people!

, 1' How'd you like to
love me how'd you like it)

♪ How'd you like to drop in
how'd you like to love me ♪

♪ How'd you like it
how'd you like to drop in ♪

♪ Meet the mother
how'd you like... ♪

I don't wanna get
personal, boss,

but when are you gettin' down to business?
What do you mean?

When are you
gonna pop the question?

You've gotta be married before the
draft is announced or it's no dice.

It's a funny thing, fellas,
but this gal cramps my style.

You don't help any peekin'
through that rearview mirror.

I never made you self-conscious
before, boss. Well, Tony's different.

When I'm around her, I get the urge
but I can't think of any dialogue.

Can't you remember any of that
guff you give out on the screen?

There was a good bit
in “Hearts Afloat. ”

How'd that go?

“Genevieve, your eyes are like two
limpid pools in the moonlight.

I love you, Genevieve. If
you'll only be my... ” Uh, uh...

Exemption!
Exem...

♪ Oh, Genevieve
sweet Genevieve ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da ♪

Genevieve, your eyes are like
two limp pools in the moonlight.

I love you... This is Tuesday night.
I'm not Genevieve.

I'm Tony, remember?
Oh.

Genevieve was my
grand mother's name...

and you remind me
of my grandmother.

Of course, you're much younger.
Really?

Did you love your grandmother very much?
Yes, very much.

How well I remember the night
she was killed in the theater.

What happened? Granny had put on
weight and the runway collapsed.

Now, listen, Tony. just say the
word and... and be my exemption.

Look where you're goin',
will ya?

What are you trying to say?

Get a little music,
will ya, Bert?

♪♪

Get something else!

A lot of help you are!

That's more like it.

What were you trying to say, Don?
Well, Tony, I...

I suppose you've gone outwith a lot of
young army officers. Well, yes, I have.

Would a guy with a couple
military brushes have a chance?

You know, Don,
all foolishness aside,

most people don't think very much of
soldiers until their security is threatened.

Well, right now it is.
The army needs men.

Yes, they certainly do.

I'll tell you what. Maybe we could
raise our son to be a soldier.

Our son? Oh, sorry. I
forgot the preliminaries.

Tony, darling, I love you.

I want you to marry me. I'll
do anything to make you happy.

Oh, Don.
You'll never regret it.

I'll give you the kind of home
you've always dreamed about.

I'm used to having a man
in uniform around the house.

I'll wear one for pajamas.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we interrupt this broadcast...

to bring you an important bulletin
from the news bureau of this network.

The Senate has just passed
the conscription bill.

The bill, which goes
before the House immediately,

provides for the
registration of all men...

between the ages of
twenty-one and thirty-one.

Twenty-one to thirty-one!
Did you get it, boss?

Twenty-one to thirty-one!
Oh, bother with that!

Darling, I want you to know you've made
me the happiest girl in the worl...

just a minute. I don't want you to make
a decision on the spur of the moment.

It's a serious thing, you know.
All right.

I'll count ten before I say yes.
One, two, three, four...

I can't just rush you into this. It's
not fair. it's not fair to your father.

Oh, nonsense!
I'm over twenty-one.

Yes, but
I'm over thirty-one.

Are you trying to talk me out of it now?
No, of course not!

It's just maybe
I'm too old for you.

Here you are, in the
flower of womanhood,

and me, just a shell of
a man, a broken hulk.

Oh, over thirty-one,
hmm?

I think I understand.

I understand perfectly.
Stop the car!

Let me out! Listen please, honey!
Let's talk this over.

There's nothing to talk over.
You're just yellow! Oh, Tony!

Tony, wait a minute!
Please!

Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

Surprise!
Get out!

You're not gonna call
the colonel, are ya?

This is a job for
the exterminators!

Just give me a couple of minutes.
The less I see of you, the better.

I've been tryin' to reach you for
two weeks. I don't want to see you!

I've learned you can't put
your heart in a plaster cast.

Oh, stop it! You sound
like an unpopular song!

I only came to tell you one thing.
All I want to hear is good-bye!

That's it. You see,
I'm enlisting in the army.

Enlisting?
That's right.

What are you up to now?

That look in your eyes when you walked
out on me has kept me awake nights.

I've got to put myself right
with you and my own conscience.

I don't believe a word of it!
I didn't think you would.

Why don't you come down to the
recruiting station with me?

You bet I'll go down with you!
In fact, I'll drive you down.

I'm curious to see how
you'll get out of this!

My, but you're
a suspicious person!

Yeah, well, is
everything set, Stevie?

Yeah, practically.
Tony with ya?

- She's drivin' me down.
- That's fine.

Stall around for about half and
hour and everything'll be ready.

Fit all right, Mr. Cogswell?
Just perfect, Mr. Riggs.

I hardly know myself.

Lucky you.
Here.

Take care of his clothes
'til he gets back. Yes, sir.

You understand what
you have to do, Mr. Cogswell?

It's very simple, Mr. Riggs. I go down
to the army recruiting station...

and wait for the sergeant to go to lunch.
That's right.

He always goes to lunch at 12:00.
Hmm.

When Mr. Bolton arrives,
I pretend I'm a sergeant.

I take his application
and I turn him down.

Now, when he tells you he's squeamish about
loud noises, tell him you can't use him.

He'll argue, but you ignore
it and turn him down.

Are you sure you can do this?
I don't want any slipups.

Don't worry about me,
Mr. Riggs!

I practically live
every part I play.

I'll probably wind up
enlisting myself.

With guys like you in the army,
we'd need a three-ocean navy.

Yes.

L

Something I can do
for you, Sergeant?

Oh, no.
No, thank you.

I'm just waiting for someone.

Come in and sit down. You've been
walking post out there for a half hour.

Uh, thank you, but I don't
want to disturb you, Sergeant,

and you'll probably be
going to lunch anyway.

No, no lunch today.

No lunch?
No, no lunch.

But you... but you've
gotta go to lunch!

Why? What's it to you? Nothing.
Nothing at all.

A- Are you... are you sure
you're not gonna go to lunch?

Come here, you! Oh, Mr.
Riggs! Mr. Riggs!

Here it is.

Still skeptical, eh? I don't know.
I can't quite make you out.

Intriguing, isn't it?

Good afternoon, Sergeant.
Open for business?

Sure!
Come right in.

You're all alone, eh? Yep.
It only takes one man.

I suppose you want to enlist.
Enlist?

Brother, I want the toughest, most
dangerous branch of the service.

Brother, you'll get it!

Here, fill this out. Okay.

Say, aren't you Colonel Fairbanks'
daughter? That's right.

Well, Colonel Fairbanks. I did a
hitch for him once at Fort Totten.

That's where I seen you. Really?

Maybe I could be assigned to Colonel
Fairbanks' outfit. Could that be arranged?

Sure, that's a cinch. Don't
you think that'll be cozy?

Wonderful!

I guess that answers everything.
Do I sign here?

Recruiting station.

Everything going along all right?
Mr. Bolton get there?

Wait a minute. You Bolton?
Uh-huh.

This is for you. Hello? Yes, Steve.
It's my agent.

He's winding up my personal affairs. He
can't find the lids to the swimming pools.

- How's that phony sergeant?
- There's nothing to worry about.

No, Steve, we'll just have
to forget about my career.

Tell DeMille my answer
is still no.

He'll have to be satisfied
with Gary Cooper.

Thanks for callin', Steve.

Okay, sign here.
Okay, I'll sign.

But how long do I have to wait
for the encyclopedia?

There you are.

If I hadn't seen it, I never
would have believed it!

Congratulations. Oh, you
can do better than that.

Well, buddy,
you're in the army now,

provided you pass the physical examination.
I'll breeze through that.

There's one thing I thought
I'd better mention.

I'm a little jumpy about sudden
noises, like pistol shots.

That wouldn't make any
difference, would it? No!

They'll have you playing “Yankee
Doodle” with a machine gun.

Oh, sure, I... You sure you're
reading your lines right?

What do you mean, “reading my lines”?
You're supposed to say...

Are you really the recruiting sergeant?
Who'd you think I was?

- Then I've enlisted?
- Wasn't that the idea?

Yeah, but it went wrong!
Gimme that!

What are you trying to pull?
I thought so!

Up to your old tricks again.

You'll have plenty of time to think
up some new ones, Private Bolton!

So long. See you
in the guardhouse.

You got me.

Raise. Up.
Neck. Down.

Knees.

Toes.

One thing I can tell ya. Don't let
'em cut your hair. Neck. Down.

That's not high enough.
Did you take ether?

We should have joined the Scotch army.
At least they wear skirts.

Miss Fairbanks should get a
load of you in that sarong.

I don't know why we had to get
mixed up in this! Oh, quiet!

If you hadn't botched things up,
I'd be a happily married man.

You'd be what? Well,
married anyway.

What size bowl did they use?

You guys are suckers.
You should've did what I did.

What did you did?
Look!

Had every one of'em yanked out,
and they was all good too.

Down.

Stick out your foot.

You're rejected.
Flatfeet.

Flatfeet!
Holy smoke!

And they were all good too.

Come on. Come on.
Hey, what's this?

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Oh, sure.

I ran fifth in
the Kentucky Derby!

Look, a tent with sleeves in it.

Anyway, it matches the pants.
Put it on!

Stay on your feet.
You'll get a draw.

Sergeant? This won't do. Yeah.7

I'd like a little more drape and a little
less droop. Why didn't you say so?

We'll be only too happy to make
it over for you. That'll help.

What about the trousers?
They're snug under the arms.

What's in this snood?
Yehudi?

What about me? Wait'll the next load.
We're all out of uniforms.

There's room for one more
in here.

Are your shoes okay?
They're fine.

He went that way.

Parade, halt!

All right, boys, snap it up. Come
down and bring your baggage with you.

Corporal, take half these men and
put them in tent number three,

the other half in number four.

So, this is it, huh?

Watch out for the ping-pong table.
I got it.

Whose stuff is that?
It's mine, son.

You can take it to my room.

You have a reservation,
I suppose?

I should have. I wired ahead.
I hope you're not too crowded.

Let's see what the accommodations are.
Go right ahead.

That third tent on the left has very good
cross-ventilation and indirect lighting.

Indirect lighting? Comes up through
a gopher hole under the stove.

Oh, he's gonna be fun.

All right, gang, come and get the mail!

Hey, gang, here's the mail I!

Don't crowd in too close, men.
I'll see that you get it.

Don Bolton.

Don Bolton!

Bolton!
Right here.

Don Bolton. How'd
they ever find me?

Don Bolton!

Don Bolton!

See who they're from, Bert.
Don Bolton.

Your fan mail.
Yeah, it's my fan mail!

Is that for me too?

“Hazel Chapman. ” Hazel Chapman?
I don't know her.

She don't know you, either.

Bolton. Bolton.
Nothin' but Bolton.

Bolton. Bert, Steve,
look who's here!

Don Bolton.
Don Bolton!

I think I'll pay them
a little social call.

It might make things easier
for us around here.

Pardon me. Hey, where
are you goin'?

I'll be back,
but don't wait dinner for me.

Bolton. Bolton!
Bolton.

Twitchell! That's
me I That's me.

Ah, my relief check!
Well!

Well, what do you know?

How do you like that guy?
A man after my own heart.

I'm workin' my way through the army.
We're raffling off an old tank...

Oh, it's you!
Oh, give me a break.

Ouch! Not there!
Be nice to me.

After all, you're responsible
for my being here.

I'm responsible?
Well, in a way.

I don't blame you for being angry.
You were perfectly justified.

I refuse to even discuss
the matter. Oh.

Take your foot away! You're
not being very patriotic.

After all, lam a soldier.
That remains to be seen.

All right, I suppose I have no right
to make any demands upon you.

After all, you're
a colonel's daughter.

I'm just a stale rookie.

I guess I'd better
just go jump in the lake.

Don.
Yes?

On your way there,
would you mail this letter?

Ah, Tony, have a heart, will ya?

Mine.

All right, come on in.

When did you arrive? I checked
in a little while ago.

We're gonna see a lot of each other,
aren't we? Frankly, I can't say.

What do you mean? Dad never did
approve of our going out together.

Seeing you in uniform
might make a difference.

I'm sure it will.
I'm not.

Nonsense! All you have to
do is be a good soldier.

I'm gonna try the best I know how,
but I don't fit and I can't help it.

You're not going to admit
you're a coward?

Of course I'm not a coward!
I'm just allergic to bullets!

How do you know? You can be
scared and still be a hero.

Some of the bravest men have been
scared to death going over the top,

but they kept on going.

You don't know what you'll do
when those guns start to roar.

I've got a pretty good idea.

I've got faith in you, Don.
I know you'll make good.

I'll tell you what.
Dad's in his study.

Why don't you go in and
soft-soap him a little?

Soft-soap him?
Sure.

When I get through with him, he'll
think he's had a bubble bath.

Right through there.

Yes?
What is it, dear?

Hiya, neighbor!
Neighbor?

Anytime you wanna borrow
sugar, don't you hesitate...

Be careful! It took me
four days to set that up.

It's cute. Somethin'
Santa Claus brought ya?

I suppose Tony sent you here.
She should know better.

Go back to your quarters
and tie that garter.

All kiddin' aside, I've gotta
tell you why I dropped in.

I've got something very
important to talk to you about.

Go ahead.
What is it?

I suppose you know that Tony and I
kind of got a crush on each other.

A crush? Well?

My being in the army,
a buck private,

that won't make any
difference, will it?

Frankly, I don't think you can make the
grade either in the army or with Tony.

What do you call “making the grade”?
Being a colonel? Not at all.

You don't have to be a colonel, a captain,
a lieutenant, or even a sergeant.

If you were only a corporal, it'd
prove you had the right stuff in you.

That's a deal. What do
you mean, “a deal”?

I'm good enough for Tony as a buck private.
Lf I get to be a corporal,

will I be good enough for you? Yes,
because I don't think you can make it.

I'll make it all right,
if you'll play fair.

What?
The army always plays fair!

How are you two getting on?
Just ducky.

That's fine.

Get back to your quarters now.
Okay, chief.

Skoal!

Oh, I'm sorry. Why, you
stupid, clumsy oaf!

You scatterbrained idiot!
Get outta here and stay out!

Temper!
Get out!

♪ ♪

S ♪

What's the matter with that guy?
Can't he read?

Right shoulder...
arms!

Order... arms! Ouch!

Inspection...

arms!

Get back in line, soldier. Come up
to inspection. I'm sorry, Corporal.

Order... arms!

What'd he say? Hmm?
I didn't get it.

Would you mind repeating that order?
Order"... arms f

Dress right!
Dress!

Right dress. Isn't
this the right dress?

Come on, sold/en Snap into it.
You mean that girlish thing.

Ready... front!

Parade... rest! A rest at last.

Pick up that piece, soldier.
Get back in line.

Let's get together, shorty.
Get in line!

After all, it's
your racket, you know.

♪ ♪

S ♪

EYES... right y

EYES... right y

EYES... right y

Eyes... front!

EYES... right y

Hey, Red, here comes Bolton now.

Eyes... front!

Who's responsible for this? This
is preposterous! It's an outrage!

How 'bout a smile,
Mr. Bolton?

Wait. I'll run back to the
tent and get my dimples.

You'll get plenty for this!
Right! Columns left!

March!

Columns right!
March!

Pardon me.
I gotta join the army!

Hey, fellas!

Bolton!

You'll smell 'em and like it.

I'll smell 'em.

Such fragrance! I don't know
how they live with each other!

Aaah!

Bully!

What a racket!

Ah, so that's what happened
to those things!

Ah-ha!
A Republican, eh?

Of course it isn't your fault. You can't
help it if you're a public figure.

I'll speak to Father. It's
a little late for that.

Poor darling. Did you clean
an awful lot offish?

Did I? They got me dreamin' about 'em.
I thought you dreamed about me.

I do, but now you're a mermaid.

Well, I'm proud of you, Don.

You've turned out to be as good
a soldier as the rest of them.

So far, but the fireworks
haven't started yet.

I don't mind carrying a rifle; but if
they ask me to shoot one, I'm sunk.

And they're gonna ask me.

Oh, Dad?
Yes?

Don... I mean, Pvt. Bolton
and I were just talking.

That incident on the parade ground
wasn't his fault. That matter is closed.

But not forgotten, sir. I still
smell like Pier Six on Friday.

There is no occasion for further
discussion. Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.

Oh, but there is.
It may happen again.

If Don were assigned to other
duties like driving a car,

then he wouldn't be
spoiling your parades.

Mmm, you drive, do ya? Yes,
sir, with either hand. Don't I?

Fine. I think we'll have a place for
you in a new unit we're forming.

Thank you. You don't know how I
appreciate that. Don't mention it.

I have a couple of friends
who are handy around cars.

Do you think they can be
transferred with me? Yes.

I think that can be arranged.
Oh, thank you, sir!

See how easy it was?

Oh boy! No guns,
no hiking, no kitchen police!

All I gotta do is drive a car.
What a cinch!

I'll be right with you.

You got the idea now?

When you want to turn right, you bring
your foot down on his right shoulder.

To turn left, put your
foot on his left shoulder.

To back up, bring your foot
down on top of his head.

To go faster, just kick a rapid
tattoo on the back of his neck.

Hey, will you quit talking
with your feet?

I gotta, you sap,
on account of the noise!

Can't you take off your
shoes and whisper?

No!

Is everything clear to you?
Oh, it's a cinch.

And you down there, you follow his
signals no matter what they are.

Don't do any steering on your own account.
Just follow orders.

Is that clear 2'

Okay, I'll let you
handle it for a while.

I got that other detail
to take care of.

Come on, we'll never get a ride.

Sure we will!
Look what's coming.

Hey, we've stopped.

I wish I could.

Aw, come on, soldier.
Give us a ride.

Well, all right.

What about me? Can't
handle it, girlie.

You'll have to wait
for the meat train.

Stand by for a concussion.

You're driving like a dream.

This must be Capistrano.

We'll get him on the next lap.

L

That's better
than going under it.

Hey! Hey-

Having fun?
No, sir.

You see, sir, we were just out testing
the tank and... For what, a hayride?

I might've known it was you.

I'm terribly sorry about the car, sir. I
hope you haven't kept up the payments.

If there's anything I can do?

There's something
you can do, all right,

every time I look,
there seems to be more and more.

I feel like I'm peeling rabbits.

We oughta make you peel 'em all. If it
wasn't for you, we wouldn't be here.

And me tryin' to be a corporal. I'll be lucky
if they don't take away my citizenship papers.

I hope I can square myself
with Tony.

When do you figure
on seem' her '2?

About the second week
in December.

Quit starin' at me, will you?

I can't understand it.

I've been peelin'just
as fast as you fellas.

I know, but there're two of us.

Oh! That's right.

Well, that's it.

Yes, sir, we certainly
made those mountains disappear.

Hey, I can't open my hand!

Give me that. Careful now.
Leave the wrist.

Ha! Thank you.
That's better.

But you guys had twice as many
spuds as I did. You were shirking.

Come on, Steve.

Oh, hello, bud. The colonel
just left for headquarters.

I've got an important
message for his daughter.

She ain't up yet. There's
no sense wakin' her.

She's probably dreaming
about me.

I'll wait.
It's something personal.

How' bout you takin' it
on the lam for a while?

I gotta get my work done. If you'll stay
away an hour, I'll do your work for you.

How 'bout it? Well, that
sounds fair enough.

I thought it would.

Right in here.

There you are.

Mmm, now I have
to pa y for this.

Oh, it's not that bad.
It's really very simple.

All you have to do is pick up the
potato and hold it like this.

Skip it. You're looking at
the original boy from Idaho.

I've been around potatoes
since they were that high.

Here, just fit it right into the grooves.
Ah, it's back home.

Okay, pal.
See you in about an hour.

Good luck. Good luck! Ye gods!

Doesn't anybody ever eat
baked potatoes?

You look old enough
to undress yourself.

Who is it?

The colonel's orderly. I gotta
get in there right away!

What for?
Just a minute.

Come in.

You're not supposed to be...

What are you doing here?
Get out! I told you.

I'm the colonel's orderly. I've gotta make
up the bed! Suppose I've got to get up.

It's gonna look lumpy if you don't...
but awfully nice lumps.

Does the colonel know
you're his orderly today?

- Yes, I explained everything. - I think
I'll telephone just to make sure.

You're the most suspicious... And
you're the most scheming, lying...

So I bumped into your car! Did you ever try
driving with a French heel in your ear?

How 'bout that? What was
that girl doing in there?

She wasn't my guest. She was
in the apartment upstairs.

I suppose you were
showing off for her.

It's about time you forgot you were a
movie star and tried to be a soldier.

What's that?

It's only Dad. You said he
knows you're his orderly.

Tony, are you there?
Yes, Dad What is it.7

Get that potato
out of your room.

Don't let him in. I can see
those ten men takin' aim now.

Come in, Dad.
Shh!

I thought you had
some rabbit in here.

Don't go flying off the handle.

Pvt. Bolton is here at my invitation.
We were having a chat.

Young man, I've been very lenient
with you, not because I like you,

but because I don't want my personal feelings
to influence my sense of fairness...

so you won't think you're being persecuted.
Thank you, sir.

Dad, I've never tried to interfere
in your military matters,

but Don has been running
in bad luck.

Bad luck or not,
if he gets into one more jam,

he'll be in the guardhouse so long,
Roosevelt will be out ahead of him.

For life, huh?
And he calls himself fair!

Cease firing.
Next order on the line.

Come on, snap it up.

Come on, get it up!
Get it up!

Fire at will.

Get up here.

Get it up on your shoulder.

Come on, get it up.
Stand still.

This is worse
than the 4th of July.

Come on, get it up there.

Get it up!

Get it up!

What happened?
Can't you tell me?

I can give you a toenail description.
What do you mean?

I shot my captain's toe off.

Oh, Don, I don't know what
I'm going to do with you.

I know!
Marry me.

Huh?

I know you can do better.
After all, I'm no bargain.

Are you really serious
about marrying me?

No ifs?

No buts?

No fooling?
Nothing up your sleeve?

Nothing but my right arm,
and I'd cut it off for you.

Honest, Tony,
I'm leveling this time.

I believe you, Don.

♪♪

What does a soldier do
to get married?

First he has to get his
commanding officer's approval.

Oh, no!
Oh, yes.

You’re just a rookie, you know.
I'm no rookie at this.

You'll never get to be
a corporal doing this.

Just wait 'til maneuvers are over.
But I found a way.

What do you mean? Dad is
organizing a new unit.

I've interceded for you.
Oh, great!

He's going to put you
with the parachute jumpers.

Parachute jumpers?

What was the matter? I wanted to jump.
I won't be disgraced this way.

But he wouldn't let me. He didn't
give me time. He landed too soon.

You blooming idiot!
You didn't have any parachute!

What?

Ohh!

No parachute.

S ♪

Roll out or you're gonna
miss retreat, glamour boy.

You'll never make it
like that, Don.

Why don't you do like I do?
What's that?

There's plenty of time
to dress after retreat.

Oh boy!
Now you're talking!

Boy, that's really streamlined.

Present... arms!

♪♪

Inspection... arms!

Order... arms!

The following men will report to the
orderly's tent for special guard duty.

Corporal Sheve, Private
Thompson, Fowler and Bolton.

Company dismissed.

Sergeant, have I got time to go
back to my tent for a few minutes?

No! You're gonna be on guard duty
at the hospital 'til midnight.

But Sergeant...
Get goin'!

Looks like you're stuck. And in
my underwear, thanks to you.

I'll be in a fine mess if I get caught.
Besides, I'm cold.

Why don't you beat your arms together?
That's not where I'm cold.

Hey, Bolton. '
Coming, Corporal.

I'll get your uniform
and bring it to you.

Slip a hot water bottle
in the pants.

Right shoulder...
arms!

Forward... March!

Still expect to get stripes
on that sleeve?

Yes, sir. I'll make it. It'll
be a big surprise to me.

I don't think you'll ever be a soldier.
Dad, that's unfair.

He looks like a soldier.
Anybody would with that on.

It's whats underneath that counts
and you haven't shown very much.

No, sir. Yes, sir.

I mean...
I'll have something soon.

Come on, Tony.

Don't stop to chat with a man on duty.
Be right with you.

Don, I want to warn you
about Dad.

You know what he said? just one more
slip and he's gonna transfer you...

to another camp, like the
Philippines or Alaska or somewhere.

He can't do that! Oh, yes,
he can and he will.

And you know what that means as
far as you and I are concerned.

So, please, be careful.

Okay so far, huh?

Yeah, but I'll have to take my coat
off when I eat with the guard.

How 'bout you walking post for me,
Steve, while I put my uniform on?

No, no, not me.
Bert?

I got a date with Margie.
A fine couple of pals!

They catch you desertin' your post,
you'll get life and so will we.

I'll get worse if they
catch me in my underwear.

It'll only take
a couple minutes!

I got a pass so we can stay out
late tonight. Oh, that's fine.

Well, I guess I'll be runnin' along.
Yeah, me too.

Go ahead. Walk out on me.
What's he all het up about?

He ain't got no pants on.
They're here. Honest?

Come with me. I'll show you
where you can put them on.

Well?

Okay.
I'll take a chance.

I'll be back in a flash. Come on.

Here you are. You'd forget your head
if it wasn't on your shoulders.

You'll be safe in there for a few minutes.
We'll stay here and watch.

You go back to the other ward.
I'll be right out.

Psst, psst! Hey!

You dressed in a hurry. Never mind.
Do you know where the laundry is?

This is no time to wash your underwear.
A maid took my clothes.

You've gotta get 'em back. I'll go to
the laundry and see if I can find them.

Steve, help me look.
Don't go 'way now.

Don't...

That's what you think!

All night long he kept
yelling for sponge baths.

You should've seen the tattooed
pictures he had, very interesting too.

Shut that window.
It's kinda chilly.

Leave it open. Then push
that screen in front of it.

Oh, I have to
work Saturday night.

What's the difference?
You wouldn't have any fun.

Look, everybody. Do you
think I'm getting fat?

Will somebody please
shut that window?

Here you are.

That'll fix you up.

I'm all out, but there's plenty left.
I'll be back, soldier.

She ain't giving me
no castor oil!

You naughty boy,
trying to deceive your nanny.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, it's nothing at all.

Shh. Hey, go on. Scram, will ya?

You better
come along too, Mary.

You go that way
and I'll go this way.

Margie?
Margie, come here.

Where have you been? Looking for you.
Where do you think?

- Let's not argue. Have you got everything?
- Of course I have.

Here's your overcoat,
your coat, pants and...

Shut that door.

I suppose you have an explanation for
this too. Stop being ridiculous.

I went on guard duty without my uniform.
I didn't have time to change.

You gotta believe me. It's the truth.
That's right, miss.

I believe you, but you've
got to get back to your post.

You'll never get out of this mess if
they ever catch you. We'll find a room.

Oh, Tony? I'm sunk.

You, Bolton.
Run, quick.

Stop, come back here. I'll have you shot
for this. What's the matter with you?

That was one of the patients,
an old friend of mine.

I know Bolton when I see him.
I'm tired of his shenanigans.

He's gone too far this time.
But, Dad?

It's from your wife.

She's going to the hospital any
day now to have that baby.

That's great.
Gee, I hope it's a boy.

And here's our last,
brave little man. Ohh!

Open your mouth. Come on now
or I'll call the nasty doctor.

And you know
what he'll do to you.

I wish I was dead.

I understand perfectly. You
're trying to protect him.

Listen, Dad. I won't
stand for it!

You're being ridiculous. You saw
him walking his post out in front.

Yes, and we'll go right back
and see if he's still there.

If he isn't, heaven help him!
Of course he's there.

Dad, you can be awfully
aggravating at times.

It's simple
enough to prove who's right.

Wait a minute. Are you all through?
Yes, of course.

What did the doctor say about your liver?
It's lovely! Come on.

You've got to head him off.
Okay, okay.

Col. Fairbanks? Yes, yes.
What is it?

Major Balsom presents
his respects, sir,

and the kurtiflies the branf of the
battalion sturten. It's very urgent, sir.

What? The major's frowdelguns
are strudeling...

over the parade grounds and
the battlefrumps cannot march.

I can't understand
a word you're saying.

He says that the major's
scruttleesnith and the squads...

are fittlestepping all over the sergeant.
Aw, put it in writing.

Oh, now, Dad.
Wait a minute.

Hey, Bert, I'll be right down.

Feel all right, Bolton?
Just fair, sir.

You look a bit under the weather. I
know just the thing to fix you up.

I'll have the doctor give you
a good dose of castor oil.

Don't get excited.
It's only a mock battle.

Don't forget to stuff your ears.
I won't stuff my ears.

This is my chance to prove to Tony that
I'm as good a soldier as the rest of you.

But I wish it were over.

Bolton!
Yes, Sergeant?

Whats the matter? You
look like you was dying.

I'll be all right. I'm a little
nervous about the shooting.

I know. I'm a little
worried about you too.

I think I'd better put you where
you'll be safe. No, Sergeant, don't!

I've gotta see it through.

I'll tell you what to do. See
that hill over there? Yeah.

Stay 'til the sun goes down.

They tell me the view
is simply breathtaking!

But the blue army's comin'
from that direction! Shh, shh.

That'll be our little secret.
I wanna stay right here!

You'll go where I tell you.
Give him a break.

Let him stay. I'm takin' no
chances him gumming the works.

Go on, get goin'.

That ain't fair.
It's a dirty shame.

Just for that,
you two can go with him.

Go on.
It's an order!

We're far enough behind
the lines to be generals.

I had an uncle who was
a hero in the last war.

Broke up a gas attack
single-handed.

How?
With bicarbonate of soda?

What's that shooting? Must be some
other outfit having maneuvers.

Okay, boys, I fixed it. Fixed what?
Where have you been?

You know where them five roads
meets back there? Yeah.

That's the way the blue army's
coming up to engage our outfit.

They're comin', but
they'll never engage nobody.

I switched the road signs.
You did what?

What'd you say? If they follow the
signs, they'll be goin' that way.

Don't you see?
They'll get lost.

And the colonel will win today's
battle without firing a shot.

And who'll be the heroes?
The three musketeers!

Are you kidding?
Oh, I can't believe it.

That oughta fix you up good
with Tony and the colonel.

I'd like to see that sergeant
keep me outta the next battle.

Fellas, I've been feeling
a lot braver lately.

What'?

Boy, let's celebrate!

We'll all have a drink.
Draw one for me.

Make mine milk.

Let her run 'til it gets
nice and cold.

Put an egg in mine.

Hey, I can't get anything outta this.
Try another station.

Look who's comin'.

It's Tony! The sergeant probably
told her where I am and why.

Wait'll she hears the good news.

Hello!
Hello.

Hiya, honey, glad you came. We need a fourth
for bridge. You shouldn't have walked out.

I didn't. The sergeant put me out.
I don't believe you.

I think you crawled out
because you're scared.

All right, if
that's the way you feel about it.

Listen, Tony,
you're all wrong about Don.

He really wanted to be
in that battle today.

But there ain't gonna be any battle.
What do you mean?

The blue army's goin' this
way instead of that way.

Napoleon here switched
the road signs.

I did it for Josephine and the
little kiddies. Not bad, huh?

Which way did you
switch those signs?

I switched 'em so they'd be goin'
through there. There they are now.

Where?
Way over there.

Don, come here!
Come here, quick.

Those troops, they're moving
into the artillery target range.

Wheres the target range?
Over there. Look!

We've got
to head them off.

Can't they see the shells bursting?
The woods are in the way.

By the time they see them, it'll
be too late. But they can hear.

They'll think it's Dad's
army firing blanks. Come on!

Get your helmets. How do you like this?
We have to send for another army!

The colonel's kinda early
with his gunfire. Yeah.

I can't imagine
what he's shooting at.

Which way do we turn?
Wait a minute.

Don, somebody's gotta go
through the target field.

It's the only way to head them off in time.
Take my horse.

Are you crazy? We might be killed!
[ Artilery Fire

I haven't time to argue
with you. Are you going?

Maybe we could telephone the artillery
gunners. Or write them a letter!

You better not go, Tony.
Oh, Tony, please?

You better stay here. Tony, stop!
Wait a minute.

Come on, Bert.

Tony? Tony?
Don't go in there.

Whoa, boy.
Whoa.

Get out of the way!

I'm not gonna let you do that.
Try and stop me, you coward.

Just a minute. I'll go myself.
I don't believe you.

This is the first time I ever socked a
lady except in self-defense. Sorry.

Take her out of here, Bert.

You stay here with Tony. Nothing doin'.
I own 10% of you...

and I'm gonna protect it. Okay, if
you can ride on 10% of the horse.

I'm very happy with five.

What's the idea? He's more important
to this trip than you are.

What happened? A beautiful
right cross to the button.

Don! Where is he? Take it easy.
You're not goin' anyplace.

Is Don trying to go through?
Yeah.

I knew he had the stuff in him.
I knew he wasn't a coward.

Here, let me see.

They've been hit.

Hey, is the horse under you?

I thought he was on top of me.

They're moving.
They're up again!

They're down again.
I don't see them.

No!

Don? Don!
Where are you?

Don, get up.
You gotta get up!

Don, can you hear me?
Can you hear me, Don?

Where are you?
Aah!

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, I come out once a year.

Hey, look!

Vultures. Vultures. 7

They must know something. Anyway, the Red
Cross will have two less sweaters to knit.

Yeah.

Come on, hurry! Don't rush me.
Heaven can wait.

They're almost there! Yipee!
They're gonna make it!

Yipee! Oh, they're
gonna make it!

Stop! You're
on the wrong road.

Hey, look!

Hey, you two. You're captured.
You're prisoners.

Stop the advance. You can't go
through there. It's real shellfire.

- What are you tryin' to pull?
- It's the artillery target range.

You can't go through. You gotta believe me!
Take him back.

But somebody'll get killed. You
can't go... Come back here.

Stop!
You're on the wrong road.

You can't go through there.

That's the artillery target range.
What is this?

Oh, he's crazy. No, it's the truth.
I tell you!

Let go!
You're wounded.

I guess he is telling the truth.
Blood.

Who cares about blood?
I...

Corporal, come here.

L

Pvt. Bolton, Riggs and Sparks,
front and center.

On the recommendation of your company
commander, you've been appointed corporals,

and will be respected
and obeyed accordingly...

by order of Colonel Fairbanks.

Nice work, Corporal.

I've recommended you three men
for a citation.

Thank you, sir,
and for the promotion.

I've promoted something
else for you too. Really?

She's waiting for you. You're excused.
Oh, thank you, sir!

By virtue of my authority
as justice of the peace,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Two dollars, please. Yes, sir.

Pay the man!

L