Catering (2013) - full transcript

- Yo, Tim Tim.

- Mm.

This weekend: Monster truck

rally at Madison square garden.

Redneck chicks

so drunk on moonshine,

they'll think I'm Leonardo

DiCaprio, and you're Kumar.

I'll have to pass.

All right, how about this?

Bridal expo

at the Javits center, huh?

"Oh, ha-ha, I didn't get

the dress I wanted.

I want a party

with Leo DiCaprio and Kumar."

Seems rock solid,

sir, but again, pass.

I know what you want,

but no one's gonna believe

you're DiCaprio.

Get real.

[Claps] Hey, Timmy,

Jen and I are in for dinner

with your parents on Saturday...

- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm...

- Oh, yeah.

It's gonna be sweet!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your parents are coming

all the way from India,

and the only person

you invited to meet them

is the office idiot?

[Laughs] Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't get invited,

but the office idiot did.

Sir, I didn't invite you

because, and please

don't take this the wrong way:

I loathe you.

Timmy, I know you're foreign,

but it's pronounced love.

Look, I know I'm not always

the perfect boss.

Sir, you stole my fiancée,

accused me of sexual harassment

when I saved your life,

and make me apply ointments

to areas of your body

we both know

you can reach yourself.

Well, just 'cause I can reach them

doesn't mean I wanna touch them.

Anyway, this is the first time

your parents have been here.

Sir, I don't even understand

why you care so much.

I mean, let's face it:

You're a narcissist

who has no interest

in the lives of others.

Sir, you're admiring yourself

in the reflection

of my glasses, aren't you?

I could pass as DiCaprio.

[Sighs]

♪ How many ways to say

I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say

that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side

♪ there is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

boom! Boom!

Boom.

- Boom, boom...

- Okay.

Funny.

I guess I deserve that

for giving you and your wife

a baby.

Brenda, just ignore him.

I mean, come on, look at you.

You're glowing.

It's sweat and angry hormones.

In that case, I'm so sorry.

Hey, how about this:

Why don't you come on over

for a big Saturday night?

You could watch me drink.

As intriguing as that isn't,

I can't because I'm catering

an alumni event

- at Columbia university.

- Oh, Columbia?

- Yeah.

- Huh, I wonder

if we're gonna hear about how

my wife almost got in there.

I was wait-listed.

I could've gone there.

If 400 smarter kids decided not to,

but if you didn't go to Syracuse,

you wouldn't have met me.

Don't make it worse.

What's your, uh...

What's your event for?

Um, Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book,

and he's giving a talk about it,

but then I am catering

the reception.

I love his stuff.

Yeah? They gave me extra

tickets if you guys wanna go.

Oh, so it's a fellow who wrote

a book talking about his book?

Sounds like an awful lot of book.

We're going.

Come on. He's a great author.

It'll be full

of interesting people.

- I wanna go.

- Okay. Great.

I'll drop the tickets by later.

Oh, you know what this means.

You finally get into Columbia.

[Glasses clinking] All: Cheers.

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

It is so nice to meet you,

Varsha and Rahm.

Timmy is one of my favorite people.

- Aw.

- [Laughs]

Really?

- Yes.

- Wow.

Well, you think you know someone.

So, Rahm, what's good here?

Well, I love the mutter paneer.

Oh, the mutter paneer.

Mmm.

Oh, no, well, the mutter paneer

is only rated at two.

It's probably terrible.

Yep, no, here's a picture.

Straight up vomit.

Mr. Rhodes, the numbers aren't

actually a quality rating.

They tell you

how spicy the dish is.

One is the mildest,

12 is the spiciest.

Ah.

I am all about spicy foods.

See, at ta bell, I always go

for the El Scorcho Burrito, Varsh.

There is no such thing

as an El scorcho burrito.

I created it in the fires

of my imagination.

So I'm thinking I'm gonna go eight.

I might go eight or maybe nine.

- Well, uh...

- I would strongly advise you

not to go above a four.

Oh, Rahm.

Rahm-a-lama-ding-dong,

the more you tell me

not to do something,

the more I'm gonna do it.

It's not something to brag about.

Well, now,

I'm just gonna brag more.

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, look who it is.

What are the chances?

These must be your parents.

Please leave.

Just go away.

Shubh sandhya.

Mera naam Russell hai.

Ooh! A hindi speaker.

Yeah, I just said, "good evening.

My name is Russell."

Timmy's so americanized.

- I love your sherwani.

- Thank you.

This is my favorite

of all the ones I have.

I own very many.

Hello, sir.

Are you with this party?

- Oh, no, he is not.

- No, he's right.

I'm dining alone tonight.

I'll be over here,

and if you hear me choking

and gagging, and you wanna

give me the Heimlich,

I'd love it, but you don't have to,

uh, 'cause again, I'm by myself.

We won't hear of that.

You'll join us.

- Please.

- Oh, I couldn't!

Sir.

Do you really think

you can convince my parents

you're a decent person

simply by learning

a phrase or two and dressing

up like the Indian liberace?

I assumed you'd want your parents

to meet your best friend

and mentor.

Sir, I abhor you.

Yeah, you bore everyone,

but I thought your parents

might be interesting.

I told you specifically

I didn't want you here.

Why?

You think I'm not good enough?

I know you're not good enough.

Well, I think you're wrong,

and I think your parents

are gonna love me.

Fine.

But when the real Russell

comes out,

you'll offend my parents, offend

everyone at the restaurant,

and the jig will be up.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what else is up?

I'll give you a hint:

I'm going commando,

and this silk is super soft!

[Giggles]

Whoo-hoo!

Feels good.

[Sighs] That was one of the

best lectures I've ever heard.

Yeah. I'd put it right up there

with your lecture

on what goes in the top rack

of the dishwasher.

But, again,

I've only heard his once.

Uh-huh.

His was a little hard to hear

with you unwrapping

a jolly rancher for 15 minutes.

I'm no quitter.

Look, I gotta go find someone

to talk to who's not you.

Go nuts.

[Laughter]

Oh, wow.

Great lecture, huh?

Oh, he is just so insightful.

Yeah.

My... my name's Audrey.

- Uh, I'm Evelyn.

- Marjorie.

Did you go to Columbia, Audrey?

It was my first choice.

So are you coming back next month

for the Jonathan franzen lecture?

Oh, I'll definitely go to that.

I love Jonathan franzen.

Hopefully, that idiot with

the candy wrapper won't be here.

[Scoffs] Yeah, right?

Who brought him?

Jack, this is a disaster.

Oh, tell me about it.

That guy who spoke

was lights-out boring.

Guess what?

I just got invited

to come to another lecture

next month.

Okay, I'd be really happy for you,

except that my waitress

and my bartender

both just flaked on me...

I am totally screwed.

That's terrible.

No booze or food?

- Let's hit the road.

- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I hate to ask you guys this,

but do you think

there's any way, Audrey,

you could cover for my waitress,

and Jeff, you could

possibly get behind the bar?

Please, please, please, please?

Oh, Jeff's not gonna wanna do that.

Stand unsupervised

behind a bar full of alcohol?

That's number nine

on my bucket list.

- [Sighs] Thank you.

- Oh, all right, fine.

Thank you.

I will get you an apron.

Yeah, you're gonna have to

show her how to put it on too.

[Scoffs]

The answer is three:

One nepalese

to hold the light bulb,

and the other two

to spin him on the ladder.

[Laughter]

Oh, we do love

a good nepalese joke.

[Laughs] Yeah,

'cause they're idiots.

Maybe you could explain

why they're idiots.

Come on, man,

'cause they're nepalese!

[Laughter]

Adam, how are you

enjoying your dinner?

Good.

Yeah, level seven's

got a little kick.

Still wish you wouldn't

have talked me

out of that level ten.

[Clears throat and groans]

Mr. Rhodes,

you are aware that water

just helps spread the spice around.

[Groans]

Yeah, yeah, that's

what's happening right now.

Oh, God.

Ah, it's nothing

I can't handle, though.

Uhh!

Really, it looks

like you're struggling.

[Sighs] I am not.

- Adam, let it go.

- No, I'm not gonna let it go.

Varsha called me out, honey.

She stepped to me.

I don't understand this idiom.

It's pronounced "idiot."

Adam, I can handle

the spicier dishes

because I grew up with them,

but you did not.

Oh.

You... you...

You just went there.

Huh?

- He just went there, Jen.

- He didn't go anywhere.

Hey, challenge accepted.

Excuse me, sir.

Lamb vindaloo, level ten.

Adam, you cannot handle a ten.

You know what?

You're right.

Level 12.

- [Exhales] But sir...

- I said 12!

Jack, stop that!

Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Why are you so desperate

to try and fit in

- with these people?

- Try?

I already fit in with these people.

Maybe you're on the wait list

to fit in

- if 400 other...

- Oh, shut up.

Audrey, remember how

I asked you to pass these out,

not put them on top of the piano

with a note that says "take one"?

[Exhales] Fine.

Hey.

What have you got on tap?

Suffer through this, maybe go home

and take a run at the old lady.

Hm, well, if she's anything

like my wife, good luck.

She is, and... thanks.

So, uh, Audrey, what is your

favorite franzen book?

- What?

- Are those shrimp puffs?

Oh, yeah.

You, uh, both might be wondering

why I'm now serving hors d'oeuvres,

but I'm just doing a favor

for a friend,

my surrogate, actually.

Oh, can I give you something?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I did not care for that.

Excuse us.

Audrey, I hate to be all boss-like,

but I'm gonna need

a little less talky

and a little more walky.

[Singsong] You got in trouble.

This food is so good.

No wonder it's so popular with

India's 1.24 billion people.

Mm, look who stopped

watching porn long enough

to look India up on Wikipedia.

Why are you treating Russell

this way?

He's nothing like you've been

describing him

over the past year.

What? Whatever could

he have said about me?

You know, you're right.

I should absolutely appreciate

the effort he's made

- to know so much about India.

- Mm.

Like, for example,

its capital city.

Um, Calcutta, right?

- Yeah.

- Ah-ha!

Well, it was Calcutta

under the British raj,

but then, of course, in 1911,

it became new Delhi.

- The major river.

- Ganges.

- Mountain range.

- Himalayas...

- National bird.

- Peacock...

- The f...

- Gandhi.

Both: How did you know that?

I'm just that in tune

with my fellow man, I guess.

Okay, your lamb vindaloo, sir,

level twelve.

Enjoy.

[Chuckles]

Well, that was quick.

Adam, you don't have to do this.

No, I can handle it.

I mean, you've seen me bite

into a bell pepper.

- Bell peppers aren't hot.

- Not to me.

Not to anyone.

[High-pitched cry]

Oh, oh, my God!

Holy mother!

My... it's burning up

my whole mouth!

Oh!

Oh, God!

I've got sauce in my eyes!

- Are you okay?

- Don't draw attention to me!

Oh, good God!

Oh! Oh!

[Laughter]

And speaking of economics, this

is my trickle-down theory.

[Laughter]

Hey, how'd the mini quiche go over?

Good.

Only three rejects.

Ugh, this job is disgusting.

She said about my livelihood.

Listen, it's time for dessert.

Can you please

circulate the fruit tarts?

Uh, you know what?

I have realized why these women

are not responding to me.

It's this apron.

They're seeing me

not as one of them.

They're seeing me as a worker.

Hmm, glad someone's

seeing you as a worker.

Now, we are all back

on equal footing.

Thank you. Hm.

- Oh!

- Oh.

Sorry about that.

Uh, can I give you this?

That's it.

We are switching jobs.

Fine, but, uh,

we're not pooling tips.

You have tips?

I'm not.

Well, it's not surprising.

Your uniform's filthy.

It's not a uniform.

All right, you will see...

I do fit in with these people

when I'm the one gettin' 'em drunk.

See how things go for you

when you gotta serve

Brenda's crappy food.

Yes, word of mouth

is the best advertisement.

Listen, Audrey, I really need you

to serve dessert to these people,

or, you know, at the very least,

let them lick your dress.

Well, I am

behind the bar now, okay?

Jeff is the one serving dessert.

Sure! I mean,

it is your catering company,

and Jeff, dessert trays

are in the kitchen.

- You got it, boss.

- Thank you.

All right, we need 50 glasses

of champagne right away.

- 50?

- Yes, for the toast.

[Sighs]

Oh, that's no fun.

[Laughter]

Would you ladies care

for some dessert?

Oh, I really shouldn't.

I'm dieting.

- Me too.

- Oh, what for?

I mean, I'm married,

but you guys aren't fat.

Oh, well, thank you.

[Laughter]

[Groans and spits]

Help.

With all you know of our land

and culture, Russell,

it's surprising

you haven't been to India.

Oh, I have been, Varsha,

but only in my heart.

[Laughs]

I actually think

I'm going to be sick.

Timir, you're behaving

like a real gadha.

[Chuckles] You are being

a real gadha.

All right.

That's it.

Mother, father, the way

Mr. Dunbar's portraying himself

is the antithesis of who really is:

A rude, selfish,

culturally-insensitive troll.

Moi?

His ego could not accept

that I didn't invite him

to this dinner,

so he's trying to fool you

into believing that he cares

at all about our culture.

- Timmy, stop it.

- No.

Varsha, he's right, but in

the hi spent on the Internet

learning about your land,

I became enchanted.

Give it up, Mr. Dunbar.

You're not going to talk your

way out of it this time.

[Exhales]

Right again, Timmy.

Words aren't gonna do it,

so I'll have to try something else.

Hit it, ravi.

- [Indian music plays]

- Oh... my... God.

♪

Come on!

Right?

Varsha, come on.

Timir, don't fight it.

Invite it.

Hey, guys, thank you again.

Jeff, you are literally

the best bartender ever.

[Laughs] Audrey,

the swelling on your chin's

already going down.

We were happy to help.

[Exhales]

I made $73.

Listen, you guys go home.

I'll finish cleaning up.

No, you and our baby

go home and rest.

- We got this.

- Really?

Thank you. It has been kind

of a long night.

All right, I'll see you.

Oh, uh, Audrey, maybe don't look

at the comment cards.

All right.

Say you told me so.

I don't fit in with this crowd.

You're right.

You don't.

Thank you.

Oh, it's a good thing.

I mean, you not getting

into this stuffy place

is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

The Ivy League's loss was my gain.

[Laughs] Oh.

Don't touch me.

You're filthy.

[Giggles]

[Indian music]

♪

[cheers and applause]