Carry on Regardless (1961) - full transcript

The Helping Hands agency employs some very strange people to perform some very strange jobs! Even the simplest of tasks get bungled by the incompetent but lovable staff, as they get given jobs ranging from taking animals for walks (no ordinary animals you understand) to demonstrating new products at a large and prestigious exhibition... - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
We'll have to bung the advert
in again, Miss Cooling.

I can't understand it, Mr
Handy. Not a single reply.

We're supposed to open
for business today.

We'll just have to postpone.

With an enterprise
like this, you need

people with know-how, that's me...

people who'll do
anything for anybody,

that's the whole idea
behind Helping Hands.

Never mind, Mr Handy, I'm
sure you'll get stuffed.

Oh, staffed.


I'm saying good morning. Morning.

Nothing interesting?

If there was, I'd be after it.

Are you after a job, Mr Twist?

Why not, Mr Infield-Hopping? I'm
not a fixture in this place.

It wasn't built around me.

A Ministry of Labour clerk
can get bored of his job.

Watcha. What have you got today?

Nothing, Mr Weston. It's not worth

my friend's petrol
to bring me here.

A- ha. Hello. Guten tag.
Buongiorno. Shalom aleichem.

Just demonstrating four of the
16 languages I speak fluently.

There must be a worthwhile
appointment for me today.

Please say there is.

- Mr Courtenay...
- Yes?

There isn't.

Do you mind?

- Do you mind?
- Oh, charming.

You're in a nice mood.

- Sorry, but I'm fed up.
- So am I.

- I need an interesting job.
- Me, too.

There are no exciting
jobs for women

You're right. It's a man's world.

Someone should do
something about it.

I agree. Come on.

No, we can't...

You can't come in here.

Why not? I can do a man's job.

Me, too. What have you got?


Hello, isn't it a lovely
morning? Anything on the cards?


I've never seen him move so fast.

He was reading the paper.

That can only mean...

A job. A fascinating job.

Just a moment...

Yeah, so fascinating it's
not been noted here.

Sam Twist is the name.

Francis Courtenay at your service.

Mike Weston. That's me.

Delia King, Miss.

Dimple. Gaby Dimple.

Lily Duveen, that's me.

Montgomery Infield-Hopping.

One, two three, four...

Seven, my lucky number.
You're all hired.

- Come in.
- Good morning.

Who's responsibulb here?

You're Mr Haydn?

- How do you do?
- Yes.

I own this grady
far and hadn't had

the chance to do
the first meeting.

Oh, yes.

No, you don't understand my meal.

Certainly, sir. What's the job?

There's no job. You don't seem
to understand the twenty fido.

Just give all the details of the
assignment to Miss Cooling.

There's no assignment shall
she attain the ten see.

I've come from this monthly
grill to meet you...

and I take it you're he.

We do undertake anything, yes.
Tell Miss Cooling about it.

This is most provoc encouragemold.

I've come as the
milk and the human

kindly and come to
give it to you...

flollop me off on your secretrial.

Charmish, but that's not the poil.

I don't think that's too
tough, do you, Miss Cooling?

No. No.

- You've got a note of it, then?
- No.

I should think not. I
didn't utter a worm.

The age of courtesy and
couragemold is finish, I feel.

If you want me to conveil my
solicitole, I'll serve a writ.

I can be as cold as the next.
And crystal cleal. Good morny.

Oh, sorry. Was that a
job? What did he want?

New set of teeth. This kind of

organisation gets
swamped with nuts.

And customers, I hope.

But not, at the moment,
for you. Girls?

Dead right. How would you like
to try on a lady's wardrobe?

- Would I?
- Get cracking, then.


I suppose she won on points.

A lovely idea, an anniversary gift
for your wife. Feels so good.

Yes. Doesn't look bad, either.

A perfect fit. Thank
you, Miss King.

Can't wait to try on the others.

Perfect. A perfect fit.

Thank you very much.

It's been a pleasure. What a

marvellous surprise
for Mrs Belling.

Would you like a coffee?

Oh, thank you.


- Are you dressed?
- Does it look like it?

My wife's getting out of a taxi.

I thought she was away today.

So did I. She'll get
her surprise early.

She'll get one I didn't plan.

- What's that?
- You.

Oh, me.

Quick, hide. Not in there. You
haven't got time to get out.

I'm not dressed for the street.


Can we not explain?

Helen. What are you doing here?

I missed the train. It's
not worth going now.

What's this? I know
I'm absent-minded,

but I'd remember
ordering all this.

Did I?

No, I did. I wanted
you to see them

and wear some on our anniversary.

Oh, darling. It's the
most staggering gift.

Supppose they don't fit?

I've seen to that.


Does it matter?

Poor darling husband, all nervy
because I've spoilt his surprise.

Never mind. Stay here and
I'll make you a coffee.

It is... Helen.
What are you doing?

I'm putting my coat away.

You shouldn't have taken it off.

Why not? Because... the
heating's given out.

Darling, are you all right?

Yes, perfectly.

You need something stronger.

Give me that coat.

That's no way to treat clothes.

That old thing? I bought
it two months ago.

It's not worth hanging up.

Helen, please, don't open...

I'll let you have the estimate
for the new clothes rail.

Morning, ma'am.

He came to try on your clothes,
but there's nothing between us...

because he's really
a very nice girl.

Sam, relax.

I'll relax when I
get an assignment.

Everyone else is out and about.

They're on routine jobs.

I bet fate has got something
exciting in store for you.

It'll be the first time.

Helping Hands? Yes, with pleasure.

Immediately? Yes.

Right, got it. Thank you.

What did I tell you?

No? Something exciting?


Good evening. I'm from
Helping... Hands.

Hello. Come in, do.

Is this the right place? I mean...

Yes, this is the right place.

Erm... Panting?

No, that's the way
I always breathe.

And your name?

Twist, madam. Sam Twist.

Do sit down.

Yes, well, er... where's the baby?

Oh, look.

Oh, delightful.

And so like you, too.

Well, I don't wish to delay you...

so just show me where the baby is.

Oh, come here and relax, Mr Twist.

Relax? No, thank you, madam,
not while I'm on duty.

Well, madam, where is the baby?

I haven't got a baby.

That's my niece.


Sit down.

Er, no, no.

Mr Twist, don't make
it difficult for me.

You're making it
difficult for me, madam.

I'll explain, Mr Twist.

You see, I have deceived you.

I don't really need a baby-sitter.

In that case, I'll
just be going...

But I do need a man.

Mrs Panting.

You will help me, won't you?

It depends what you want.


Why me? Ahem. Why me?

It could be any man, but I want to
keep it on a professional basis.

I must have a man
by eight o'clock.

Well, we only supply
helping hands.

Why eight o'clock? That's
when he gets home.

Oh, I see, yes, does he?


Mr Panting.

My husband.

Oh, madam.

He neglects me.

I find that difficult to believe.

He ignores me.

It's impossible.

He takes me for granted.

Surely not.

I know he loves me, but I
want him to show it more.

Ask him to... Have a
little chat with him.

It's no good, I've tried.

No, he needs a lesson.

So do I. I mean,
that he does, yes.

I've got to make him jealous.

That's the ticket. He
must find me with a man.

You're so right. At eight o'clock.

On the dot. Now do you understand?

Yes, Mrs Panting, I... NO. No, no.

Please, it's nearly eight o'clock.

Stay away from me, dangerous lady.

He'll be here in seconds.

You might as well make
it look good. Kiss me.


Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me...


Let me go, you beast.

Can I help it if I'm irresistible?

Mr Panting, I can explain. I'm
from Helping Hands. Let me go.

My braces. I can
explain everything.

Your wife... oh, my braces. It
all started with the baby...


Did you hurt your hand?

"Attractive man required
to model for our..."

Morning. Oh, sorry.
It blew off. Oh.


Aye aye.

Yes, madam, right away.

Yes, certainly, thank you.

Job for you.

As a model?

Lady wants someone
to walk her pet.

It's a lovely day. Do you good.

Nice address, anyway.

I'm from Helping
Hands. I understand

you want me to take your pet out.

Oh, yes. I got such an awful cold.

Well, never mind. Where
is the little chap?


Oh, I, really, I rather er...

Helping Hands said
they can do anything.

And so we will. What's his name?



Don't let him out of your sight.

No. Come on, Yoki.

Which way? This way? That way?

Oh, down here, all
right. Come along.

Go for a nice walk,
shall we? Walk nicely.

You're not bringing that on here.

But he's tired and the best way to

see London is from
the top of a bus.

Not this one. Great hairy thing.

I am not.

Hold tight.

I'll report you to the
RSPCA. Cheeky monkey.

No offence. The British Transport
Commission should hear about this.

Taxi. Taxi.

Can you take us to...

I'll take you, but
not your brother.

We've had a long
walk. We're tired.

Why not climb in a tree for a kip?

Thank you very much Charming.

Did you hear what he said?

Do you want to go somewhere?

Oh, I see. You want to see your
friends. And so you shall.

Just in time for tea.

Morning, Lil.

Morning. Is it worth
taking my coat off?

I've got a beaut for you.

Collecting invitation
cards and being pleasant.

I say, that'll be nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

That's everybody.

A nice crowd they are, too.

Yes, very. Can I render
any further service?

Just collecting these cards
isn't sweated labour.

Please be our guest.

Oh, I say. Thanks.

Are you a lover of the
grape, Miss Duveen?

Actually, no.

I never know what to do with the
pips, flick, collect or spit.

Well, I never...
Will you excuse me?

Madam, for you? A soupcon?

Really? What kind of soup?

Soup? Madam, there is no soup.

You just said there was.

I asked if you'd care
to taste the 1952.

Rather. Such a pretty colour. Like
Coca-Cola. Thanks, I'll try it.

Madam, please. Don't unsettle it.

Wow. That's what I call a drink.

I'll have some more. Fill it up.

Fill? To the brim.

Let's have a proper drink.

Madam, you're supposed
to taste several wines.

Don't worry, I will. Fill it up.

Not exactly heavy-handed, are you?

Oh, well, here's
cream on your salad.



By George.


Powerful stuff.

I see you had the Nuit-St-Georges.

A dignified wine, don't you think?

Oh, very.

It was a fascinating
experience. Have you ever...

What are you doing down there?

Getting up. But I can't.

Come along, young lady. Hup.

No handling, if you please.

But I was only... I know
your sort. That'll do.

Bless my soul.

It certainly was powerful stuff.


Did you see that? Do do it again.


Oh, dear. Just shows
you. First time

must have been beginner's luck.

I really...

I'm so sleepy.

You can't sleep here, madam.

What's going on? I'm dropping off.

Miss Duveen. If my wife were to...

A married man, making
advances to me?

I didn't. Chuck him out.

Miss Duveen, please. I keep
being insulted at this do.

Miss Duveen, this is not a do.

Don't speak to me like that.

I'm most terribly sorry.

All right, all right, I'm going.

I wouldn't stay here
if you paid me.

I can't apologise enough.

Come on, gorgeous.

Hey. Hold up there.

Let's get out of here together?

Disgraceful. A load of drunks.

We've got them all working.

On the day we got our first office
flowers. The sign of success.

Isn't it wonderful?

Cigar? No, I don't
smoke, thank you.

Come in.

You again.

There's no rights
than me to beheed.

Miss Cooling.

Oh, not agrail. It's you I'm going
to thalkest to, come what mayload.

Just tell my secretary.
Miss Coollie?

Oh, perhaps I willed.

Perhaps this lade shall understand

the simply measure
I'm to offering.

Have I your attentiahoad, madler?

Lovely day, yes.

I'm not here to discussit
the weatheraped.

We should listen together.

You deal with it, Miss Cooling.

There's no understab in your
eardroves. Beyond my comprehoad.

You don't understand a
syllabulb I'm uttering.

You're from sanitation?

I didn't catch that.

He mentioned the guttering.

I did knockers.

There's nothing wrong
with the guttering.

It said which knockers
intern or extern rebode.

It's your responsible
to sign it flap.

You understand, Miss Cooling.


What do you mean, nockers? You
think I talk doplo dutchery?


He's Dutch.

We have a man...

A lere leeny...

Don't get excited. This man very
clever. He speak 16 language.

You come back...

I am not Dutch.

Look, I'm a very busy man.

Do you think I stand
for a loafery?

He wants a chauffeur.

We don't compete
with car-hire firms.

I'm gome, but I recoil.

To blaze with all communicail,
save the voice and languie

my voice and languie.

This is mobe obsession, to convey
the message. I will for doom that.

I don't want your grames, but
I'll play to the bitter hobis.

How dare you.

And when I recoil alert and
refresh, you shall understab.

And you.

Handy? Who's Handy?

I am. You look it, I must say.

Thank you. Won't you sit down?

No. I'm Amalagamated Scrap Iron.

You must be a millionaire.

Four times over.

Do sit down.

I've already said no.

Do you provide substitutes?

No. This is a respectable firm.

You know the hospital up the road?

Oh, yes. Keep my
place for me today.

Didn't I make myself clear?

I just don't understand.
You're a millionaire.

Four times over.

And you go to an NHS hospital.

It's the principle.

I buy my stamp and have my money's
worth. But I've no time to wait.

Got to take over
International Screws today.

Will you do it? Yes or no?

I'll put my best
operative onto it.

You won't. I want you. The
head man, or the deal's off.

Very well. Have a cigar.

Don't smoke 'em. Neither
should you. Bad for you.

What a stench.

Have a flower to get rid of it.

Good morning, Doctor, Sister.

When, sir Theodore arrives,
telephone me at once.

Yes, Matron.

This is a vital inspection.
What he says goes. Clear?

Yes, but how do I recognise him?

He's not exactly handsome, but I'm
told he has a rugged grandeur...

and he wears a flower
in his buttonhole.

Yes, Matron.


Doctor, he's here.


I'll phone Matron.

Hello, sir. Hello.

This is an unexpected honour.

Is it?

Of course. That's nice of you.

Would you like to wait
in the examination room?

Yes, I don't mind. Thank you.

Nice people.

Good morning. Hello.

First patient, Sister.

Yes, Doctor.

Good morning. Welcome.
We feel most honoured.

How do you do?

Would you please follow
me, sir Theodore?

Sir Theodore?

Morning, matron. Morning, sir.

Morning, sister.

Watch closely. This is the world's
most inspired diagnostician.

He must be to learn
about a varicose

vein by studying the scalp.

Watch, listen, learn.


What do you mean, never?

That track, in the mud, never.

I've been following that horse.

But other horses never follow him.

Don't put me off. I'm doing
you a favour. That's a cow.

Mind your own business. Ok.

It's his funeral.

Nurse, side ward.

Oh, I'm sorry. Nurse.

I'm sorry, sister.

That's too heavy a load for you.

Don't stand there,
give her a hand.

Let me help you, nurse.

Hey, what the hell...

Cheer up, chicken. It's all right.

Where would we be
if we didn't help

each other? Let's see some more.

All great men are
slightly eccentric.

Yes, Matron.

Yes, Matron.

All right, Nurse.

Goochy-goochy. Wibble-wibble.

Little baskets.

I mean, what little
baskets you keep them in.

Oh, yes.

I love kids.

Have you any of your own?

I can't say I have, I
can't say I haven't.

I always say that brilliant
men are absent-minded.


We give our nurses a
regular check-up.

Is there anything
else we can show you?

I think I'll rest here awhile.

You're late. Where is he?

Where's who? The man
keeping my place.

What man?

He had a face like a relief map.

And a flower?

Yes, he had a flower. He's from
Helping Hands. Where is he?

Ward 10.


Yes, Sister.

Nurse. What is it?

It isn't. Isn't what?

He isn't. That man.

Which man isn't what?

The man with Matron
isn't, sir Theodore.

Goodness gracious.

Matron, that man's not, sir
Theodore. He's an imposter.


You're not, sir Theodore.

I never said I was.

Leave this instant.

Some other time? When you need a
helping hand. Tell your friends.

That's definitely my best side.

For what, Mr Courtenay?

Nothing, I was just...

Hoping the photography
job might go your way?

What photography job?

Would you like me
to pencil you in?

Yes. I photographed
well as a child.

My relatives treasure
portraits of me. I was curly.

You weren't.


How lovely you must have been.

Suggest me for it.
I'd like to know

how I'd photograph in my maturity.

I haven't been done
professionally for ages.

Leave it to me.

Thank you.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm your model.

Can't believe it? I understand.

There's no point being modest

I have the perfect
face for photography.

We're very grateful. None of
the top models would do it...

Sorry. Would do, I mean.

Some of us have got it
and some of us haven't.

You've got it, all right.

Soon thousands of poster hoardings
will have it, too, my face.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen,
ready when you are.

Let's go.

Take your time. I'm
difficult to light, I know.

You're lit.

Oh, you know your job, I must say.

What's the product we're
selling? I mean...

Keep quite still.

Good morning, Sam.

Good morning, you say?

Look at that, you're late.

Only a minute. No one else is in.

"Only a minute" she
says. Charming.

What if Caesar had only been a
minute for the Spanish Armada...?

I don't know what
I'm talking about.

Sam, are you in trouble?

The worst.

What's her name? Oh, please,
it's worse than that.

Tell me about it and your worries

will disappear like
a puff of smoke.

If you've got a hangover, it
must be a corker. Take my tip...

Corker, tip...

Sam, what on earth is the matter?

I want it.

No. Cigarette, damn it.

Well, have one.

I've given it up.

Then don't have one.

I want one. Make up your mind.

I have, to give it up.

Well, there's an end to it.

But I want one.

How long have you been like this?

Since yesterday lunch time,
really. This is hell.

I've got the answer, a sweet.

A sweet.

They'll make you fat.

I couldn't stand inactivity
without a sweet.

Self-indulgency. No willpower.

Look who's talking.

I can talk if I want to.

I've been without it for 24 hours.

Without what?

A cigarette.

You made me say that.

Oh, look at my sweets.

Trying to make me say it.

Sorry, darling.
Smoke... Smoke, see?

Can't do without it.

I must have a smoke. I
must. I must. I must.

Better now?

Oh, yeah.

Sir Walter Raleigh certainly
earned his knighthood.

Isn't that strange? Just
a few puffs of that.

Oh, it makes the whole world look
sort of all... most peculiar.



It'll pass away.

So will you by the look of you.

Don't worry. It's
like this when you

start smoking again
after a lay-off.

Can you... Can you get up?

Cigarette. Sam, no.

Please, Lil. Cigarette.

No, you are going to give it up.

I can't give it up, Lil.

I've tried six times
and always end

up like this. I'm a slave to them.

Six times. It's disgraceful.

This time you are going
through with it.

No. I can't.

Yes, you can. All you
need is a helping hand.

A helping hand who needs a helping
hand. I'm going to help you.

How? I won't have a single sweet,
you won't have a single draw.

We'll both do without.

No sweets.

No draws.

Weiss do, was do bist?

Du bist ein ganz
ekelhafter, lumpiger Kerl.

Ich hab' die Nase voll von dir.

Excuse me a minute.

Wer immer das mag
sein, mach ihn weg.

Just a moment, dear.

Mr Trellorny? I'm from Help...

Yes, yes, I know. Come in.

You can start work at once.

Thank you.

My dear, would you repeat
what you said just now?

Ich glaub', do hast mich sehr
gut verstanden. Out mit ihm.

The lady wishes me to leave, sir.

I'm paying you and I say you stay.

Schick den verdammten
Trottel fort.

Good gracious me.

What's she saying?

You're meant to listen. Translate.

No, not in front of a lady.

Idiotisches Rindvieh, Sie.

Oh, I say.

I don't care what you
say. What did she say?

No, I couldn't. Oh, no.


Ah, that's better. Trevor.

My name's the same
in any language.

What are we arguing about?

Ha. Ha.

Would you elaborate?

Wenn er nicht vor der Tur sitzt,
dann ist weg mit deinem Kopf.

If I can't leave immediately,

there's to be a
physical assault...

Stand your ground.

On you. If you'd let me finish.

Da do einen Dolmetscher
hier gestellt hast...

As you have an interpreter here,
you needn't be ignorant...

of my sorrow and anger.

Es ist dies, It is this,

Even I can get that.

Wenn eine Frau eine neue Frisur
hat und einen neuen Hut...

When a wife has a new
hairstyle and new hat...

erwartet sie, dass ihr
Mann davon Notiz nimmt.

She wants it noted.

Und wenn er das nicht tut...

When it is not so, that
can only mean one thing.

Dass seine Interessen
woanders liegt.

His interest is elsewhere.

Wahrscheinlich bei seiner neuen
Schlampe von einer Stenotypistin.

Probably with his
trollop secretary.

Is that all?

Alles? All?

You silly girl.

Wagst do es, mich ein
dummes Madel zu nennen?

Don't call me a silly girl.

Oh, but you are.

Ich bin es nicht. Ich bin eine
tief leidenschaftliche Frau.

I'm not. I'm a deeply
passionate woman.

Oh, I know, I know.

Du behandelst mich aber
nicht als eine Solche.

You don't behave as if I was one.

How can you say that?

Fur eine ganze Woche hast do mir
kein Zeichen deiner Liebe gegeben.

For a week, you've shown
no love towards me.

I was too tired.

Yes, gewiss, meiner Mude.

Yes, tired of me.

No, no, darling.

Es ist alles die Sekretarin.

It's that stenographer.

There's no need to
be so convincing.

I can't help it. I think
your wife's got a point.

You're here to
translate, not judge.

Do you come from a broken home?

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I do. I beg of you,
think of your children.

Yes, aber horen Sie.

We haven't got any children.

You won't have, like this. You
tired, you with your hats.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Please... don't upset yourself.

I can't help it.

You're back in English.
Does that mean...

It means our trivialities are
nothing compared to the turmoil...

of this delicate and wounded soul.

Make up, you two. That's
the only thing to help me.

If only for my sake, make up.

All right, then. All right.

Yes. Yes, nice.

Seconds out.

Lofty Benson. Cor blimey.

Bert Handy. A little
older, but I'd

recognise that ugly mug anywhere.

You helped make it like this.

Let's sit down and have a natter.

This is business, can't stop. I
need a couple of seconds tonight.

You're not going back in the ring?

Only the corner.
I'm in management.

My fighter's Dynamite Dan Grimsby.

Never heard of him. You will
after his fight tonight.

Who's he fighting? Mickey McGee.

Massive Mickey? Are you punchy?

My kid's dynamite.

I'll come myself
tonight, gee him on.

Will you? And the seconds
are on the house.

Good old Bert.

Hulking great brute.
And such a show-off.

Bit nervy. There, not to worry.

Just one big whack
in his fat belly.

That'll knock the wind out of him.

Who? Me?

I give the advice around
here. Massage his back.

Aargh. Oooh.

So sorry. I do beg your pardon.

He's hurt my finger.

Get this one off, too.


You'll be all right, son.

It's a right horrible
sprain. I can't fight.

You've got to.

With one hand? How can
you be so inhuman?

Shut up. Listen, Dan, Dan...

is a very hurt man.

Ready, champ?


No, not tonight.

He's only sprained
his little finger.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.

Dynamite Dan Grimsby is forced to

withdraw owing to a
sprained little finger.

In place of the main bout...

Oh, you unsympathetic lump.

Why doesn't somebody punch him?

Why don't you? It's your fault.


Come here, Gabe.

Hey, you. Come on back and fight.

What are you waiting for? Do I
have to strike the first blow?

Very well, then, don't
say I didn't warn you.

Oh, no, I'm not ready.

Hey, ref. He can't hit him,
he's got his glasses on.

Come on, Gabe. Get at him.

Run, Gabe. Run.


Get out. Jump out.

He's coming, Gabe.

He's got him.

Well done, Gabe.


I see. How very disappointing.

I shall have to make
alternative arrangements.

Take care. Goodbye.

Helping Hands Ltd.

I beg your pardon? I'm sorry,
sir, I can't understand...

Oh. Too loud now.

I still can't understand.

Now, sir, what was it you wanted?

Yes... yes...

The what? Are you sure?

Well, I'm sorry, but I find it
difficult to understand you.

Yes, of course I've
got a note of it.

Forth Bridge, rest assured.


Oh, I wish I'd turned it down.

I'm glad you didn't. I mean,
this to me is... it...

it's adventure. It's
like, what's it called?

"The 39 Steps".

Oh, I didn't hear him very
well. It's all so indefinite.

But these things usually are. The
agent cool, alert and debonair.

He's only ever given a rendezvous;

he receives his
instructions there.

I might even be
contacted on the train.

Ah, Scotland, lot of
hydroelectric stuff up there.

Bet this has something to
do with atomic energy.

Gracious, I hope you
don't end up in Russia.

If I do, I shall behave as an

ex-corporal of the
Pioneers should.

Name, rank and number,
and hands off my shovel.

Don't go. Think of brainwashing.

How can they wash
what isn't there?

Er, by that I mean I don't
know anything. Yet.

Excuse me, Miss Cooling, my train.

Well, au revoir, Miss Cooling.

Or maybe goodbye.

Oh, dear.

Going all the way?


That's our man, then.


Thank you.

You're not English.

And you're not Chinese, so what?

So this, we might be
on the same journey.

Of course we are.

Ok, I'm persevering.

I don't like it.

Quit the pretence, I'm your man.


I'm glad we met. I wasn't looking
forward to jumping off the train.

Huh? But if you say we
jump, then we jump.

Can we talk this over
somewhere less public?

Sorry, mate. Brown Windsor.

This is it. Here's the bridge.

Listen, you've got to jump out.

There's not going to be
any contact on the train.

When you jump, let
every muscle go slack.

Not now, stupid.

When you jump.

You're not nervous now, are you?


Ok, kid, near the bridge now

your rendezvous, the
bridge. Get going.

Maybe... maybe there is a contact
on the train... waiting for you.

Yes, that's it,
waiting till the last

minute, yes, to test your nerve...

to see if you will
prepare to jump.

Excuse me.

Have you any orders for me, sir?

Orders? I just want to pass.

Sure, sir?

Quite sure.

Don't you want me
for anything, sir?

No, I do not.

Helping Hands... Oh,
yes... Oh, it's you.

Oh, yes, most honoured
we are, sir. I

trust it's going
according to plan.

My man went to the Forth Bridge...

Went where?

To the Forth Bridge, as you said.

No. I wanted a fourth at bridge.

Oh... a fourth at bridge...

This is it, Mr Handy.

Thank you, Miss Cooling.

No matter how well a firm is
doing, it needs publicity.

Yeah. Shut up.

And that could well be the
finest publicity we could have.

Obviously, in a kitchen like this
work is a luxurious pleasure.

You can do so many things at once.

Good set-up, old chap.

Thank you, sir. But the
PC's missing. The PC?

Popsy cupboard.

Now, musn't be naughty.

Unimanual control, and it will
go as fast as you like. Observe.

I say. There is a popsy
cupboard after all.

Perfect safety. Fixed in a
flash and unfixed likewise.

None of you children want to
rock on the rocking horse?

Ride it yourself.

I know what you want.

Come along, a swing,
anyone like a swing?


I'll have a swing myself.

Just to show you. Isn't it
lovely? Look at me. Oh.

The safety belt makes
window-cleaning so cosy.

It pays for itself in six
tiny months. Ridiculous.

Won't any little boy or girl sit
on the other end and rock with me?


To unharness the safety
belt, all you do is aarrrgghh.


I'm sorry, Lily.

You made a wave.

Who's the boiler?


May I ask you to move closer?

Thank you. I do not wish
to raise my voice too

loudly, in case I wake the
people in the next house.

May I introduce you to the Bed
of the Century? Here it is.

Whatever you do in bed, this
bed helps you do it better.

Do you not believe me,
madam? Come to bed with me.

First... the neighbours
may be watching...

That's better.

And so, to bed, and
we will find out.

A little television, perhaps?

The early morning cup of tea?

Or maybe you fancy a snack?

La buffet.

Perhaps you would like
a nice, cosy read?


Or maybe you've come to bed merely
to sleep? Can happen, of course.

Very well... Just recline
on the Bed of the Century.


The position not quite right, no?

How often that can happen.

The Bed of the Century will solve
this small problem for you.

Merely recline, do not move.

Our mould-to-the-body
mattress does it all for you.

Watch, watch, watch.

What's going on?

Fred. There's something
wrong with the bed, Fred.

Waggon train.

One for the pot.

Hey you.

You're not our Lou.

No. Your Lou's a bit off colour

today, so I come
to take his place.

In there? Never.

It's ok, I know the rule, silence.

You're not trained for it.

Oh, come, come, come,
please, Sarge.

What training do you need to keep

quiet for a few
hours? Don't worry.

Quiet. Quiet.


You mustn't speak.

Good morning, Mr Handy.

You look dazed.

I am.

What's it all for?

Streamlined organisation.

If it's good for the business, of
course. Perhaps you'll explain.

I have made terrible mistakes.

You're a tower of strength.

Every tower needs foundations,
and these are mine.

Each job is filed here, cross-
referenced there, costed here...

assigned to an available operator.

All of which is secondary
to the operative procedure.

Oh, yes, operative, yeah.

Oh, b...

Oh, I don't suppose it'll matter.



Ingenious system?

Oh, yes. No possibility of error?

None whatsoever.

Going my way?


I thought we'd share a taxi.

Well, I'm already
thinking in Chinese.

Chinese? Interpreting's
my job today. Bye.

Chinese, I wonder if
it's true what they say.


Good morning, Madam.




Of course.


a friend of mine has gone all
Chinese this morning as well.

May, I, come, in?

Please. Wait a minute.
Look, please.

There's been a mistake.

Mistake? It's impossible.
Gracious me.

This must be Fr-Francisesis's job.

What platform for Ely?

Number one, over there.

Thank you. I'll show
them if I need a keeper.

Come along, girls.

Good morning. I'm your
Helping Hand, I fancy.

Go away.

Oh, you expected me to be Chinese.


I expected your girls
to be Chinese too.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

As soon as I saw their breast...

I beg your pardon.

Breast pockets. I put
two and two together.

I want a policeman.

I'll offer you a
much better service.

I speak Chinese, with a
slight Cantonese accent.

An interesting group of
girls, European, of course.

On their first contact with
London they'll need me to,

er... Shall we begin?

Begin what?

I'll go in the first taxi
with some of the girls...

Police. Madam...


What's the trouble?

I'm ready to pick up
this woman's girls.

Oh? Yes, I speak Chinese.

You speak what? Can't
you understand English?

Arrest this man.

No, don't.

They speak English.

So what? They should
speak Chinese.

What am I doing here
if they can speak

English as well as what we can?

Arrest this man.

I'm working, I'm a linguist.

That's a new name for it.

How dare you.

Shut up.

Aw. They're handling a genius.

I protest. Ah. Ah. Ah. Aw. Ah.

You're Martin Paul, the actor.

That's right.

I thought this wasn't
a beauty salon.

Pardon? Oh, won't
you please come in?

I'm demonstrating a
new beauty treatment.

A very pretty mistake too.

Mr Paul, please. You can
help me dress and undress.

Mr Paul, really.

I like Helping Hands.

Not helping yourself hands.

But you don't understand.

Will you please control yourself?

My fifth marriage has just ended.

What's that got to do with it?

Console me, have pity on
me in my hour of need.

Who knows, you may
well be number six.

Waaa. Not on your nelly. I'm off.


Morning, sir. Is the
rehearsal being held here?

It's a demonstration.

Where's Mr Paul?

Who's Mr Paul?

There's been a mistake.

I've assembled the
beauty trade to watch a

lovely girl undergoing
our latest routine.

Have I got a girl? No.

Steady on.

I've got you and I don't want you.

Hello. Togetherness
Marriage Agency?

It's three minutes after the time
she's supposed to have arrived.

I'm on the verge of
a most important

meeting and you can't
get her here on time.

I am extremely dissatisfied.

The next time I want a wife I
shall take my custom elsewhere.

She's here.

Mr Beamish?

Oh, yes.

I know everything's
going to be all right.

There's no reason why
it shouldn't be.

How exquisite, how exciting.

May I come in?

Oh, please do.

How thoughtful to bring flowers.

That's what you wanted,

a woman's touch in your
home. Do sit down.

I can't sit down,
there's so much to

do. Where do you want me to start?

I'll leave that to you.

That doesn't look
very comfortable.

Comfortable enough
for anybody now.

Yes. Isn't it wonderful,
we're the same religion.

Isn't it good the agency
takes care of such things?

Do they?


Your beliefs don't concern me.

The important thing is to get
on with the job and enjoy it.

But don't you want to talk?

Talk? We both know what I'm here
to do. What's there to talk about?

You sound more experienced
than I imagined.

I've had plenty of variety.

Variety? That's why I joined.

Of course.

I don't mind. You must take
the rough with the smooth.

What are you doing?

Stripping for action.

I like to be comfy. You
don't have to do anything.

I think you ought to go.

But I haven't done anything yet.

And I don't want you to.

There's been a mistake.

You specifically
asked for flowers.

I've got the letter here.

Show me.

Show me.

Helping Hands.

Marriage agency?

I thought you wanted
someone to tidy

the place, a woman's touch for...

A tea party for my aunt
in two weeks' time.

Here we are. Aren't they lambs?

They look like birds to me.

Where's the show, then?

Olympia, next year.

No, I mean your show.
That must be a corker.

Must it? You're crafty.
You're dead crafty.

It looks like an ordinary
house. Where do you keep them?

Keep what? You know.

But I don't.

You can rely on
discretion with us.

If you want me to do the job,
I must know where they are.

But they're here. Can you not see?

Where? What do you mean?

Where do the girls undress?

There are no girls here.

Who does undress here, then?

Only the old woman
when she goes to bed.

Put his head in a bucket.

You do and I'll bite
your thumb off.

Get out of it.

You are from Helping Hands?

Of course, I'm your chucker-out.

There's been a mistake.

Oh, hello.

What do you want?

Your birds. What sort are they?

What sort do you like?

Blue tits. Have you got any?

No, we've got central heating.

Oh, tropical birds.

We have one from Ceylon.

Oh, my goodness, how do I keep
the poor things warm in a taxi?

Look, chum, this is a respectable
place, you could bring your aunt.

Oh, thank you.

You're not from Helping Hands?


You made a mistake.

I can't, we've got a system.

I asked for a chucker-out. We've
had trouble with gatecrashers.

I wanted somebody tough
to turf them out.

And you got me.


Yes. A job's a job, orders
are orders. When do I start?

You mean you'll take the job?

Yes, please.

Well, bully for you.


Oh, I say.

I couldn't bring my aunty here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Gee up, gee up, gee up.

You need a punch up the beak.

How do you do?

I was thinking early
busy, wondering

if you're ready for the frail.

Sir, perhaps I'll understand
you if you talk slowly.

Do me a favour, slowly.

For many crowthers, I have omster
investor moerd craymen foil.

I just don't understand him.

I do.

You do?

He gobbledegooks.

I don't care what he is.

You don't understand.

I know. Translate it.

How do you do?

How do you do? Minda
plough interpri?

Well, how extraordin
necessar tooly.

You can strowl and tell Mr
hayden there was goeden.

Prepare yourself for a shock.
This is your landlord...

and he's just given you notice.

Because I don't talk his
language? Racial prejudice.

No prejudice. Kalaba boawal.

Each man's investment
bowl futures.

And therefore us all upsars.

He's just received a much better
offer for these premises.

That's nice.

Just as we were settling
in so comfortably.

I don't realise the problem sown.

Get the message home for weeks.

He's been trying to tell
you for weeks about it...

to soften the blow.

I'm sure we'd all chip in
to cover the increase.


No, we'll find new premises.

It took you three months to find
this place and it's no palace.

That's the end of Helping Hands.

Back to the labour exchange.

There must be some way out.

Yeah, that door, we're sunk.

Surely there's
something we can do.

We must be sensible.

In his shoes, I'd do the same.

In his shoes, I'd run for me life.

It's not gonna solve our problem.

All conscience and shedy tear.

But I found a wet sea and water...

but I say you can all stay
remain if you suffer generarops.

He's moved by our loyalty
to this enterprise...

and we can stay.

Oh, that's nice. Thank you.

If we will do something for him.

What? I'll do anything.

I'll do anything.

I have in this enviros beautiful
lawns a great bildis biroque...

and a gargol in front entrals,
windy staircase up to the ceily...

and shandy ladies, fine centra
grives with Van Goghy...

and if anyone come works
themselves to stickabick...

this leasy is handy-ho, garba.

His main business is
property development.

He's bought the oldest,
dirtiest house he's ever had...

and the cleaning
bill is prohibitive.

If we all clean it for him,
he'll give us a 99-years lease.

Why not make it the round 100?

You shuppy caky.

You shut your cakehole.

It'll take 99 years to
clear up this dump.

Yeah, well, step by step.

Ok, boss, where do we start?

To make it easier to walk
about, the floor first.

It's better to start at
the top of the house.

Disturbed dust will fall down and

muck up what we've
already cleaned.

May I submit for the sake of
efficient team working...

that we all belt up.

Always the gent.

Let's put ourselves in
the hands of, sir Handy.

I like it noted I suggested
the suggestion I suggested.

Very suggestive it was too.

Over here, please.

Who's the scrubber?

In a straight line.

Get in a straight line. Come on.

Right now, you ready. Quick sweep.

One, two, one, two, one, two...

I'll get some water.

Here, there's no water, we'll have
to turn on... the... the main.

The water mains.

Wonder where they are.

It's usually in the cellar.

I'll nip down and look. If I find

it I'll shout, you
turn the tap on.

Mr Handy.

Turn the flaming light on.

Oh, yes, but I'm not sure
where they put the...


Don't go, there's so few left.

Where's the flaming light?

The electricity doesn't
seem to be connected.

Someone might have told you
the stairs begin immediately.

Well, they didn't, did they?

No, they didn't.

Can you find the water
main in the dark?

I'll try.

Oh, blimey. I found it
wiht my blasted shin.

Help, don't just stand there.

I say, how did you know where
I was standing? Ooooh.

I've just remembered, I
left the tap turned on.

We got it. Yeah.


Women and children first.

Thank you, Mother, come on.

Francis, where are you?
Where have you gone?

Turn it off.

I've just turned it on.

Turn it off.

Turn off the main.

Get down there and
turn off the main.

Break it down.

Go on.

Are you all right?

Of course he is.
He's done it before

Fancy charging a rotting
old door like that.

Any idiot can tell
if a door's solid.

Test it. Simple.


Hey, Dave.

Hello. I'm all right, and
I've turned off the main.

The water will die
down in a moment.

There's a big hole.

I did suggest we started upstairs.

Look at all the mess.

I'm looking.

This is the end of Helping Hands.

What a remarkable
organisation set to sure.

Who would you know I'd decide
to demolish all this propy...

and to build a luxury
modern flabablock?

You can say that again.


Cor. Remarkabold.

An extraordinary
pace of progress in

such a short tie
load. Folly, folly.

Only one thing to sum up it.

What's that?


Goodly-bye load.

"What an organisation you are. How

could you know I'd
change my mind...

and pull the house down, the
greenhouse and wash house and..."

That fell down of its own accord.

He's going to build a
luxury block of flats.

Only one thing remains
to be said, carry on.