Carry on Matron (1972) - full transcript

There it is, Finisham Hospital

- our next job.
- What? A maternity hospital?

That's it. Headquarters of
the famous Pudding Club.

- What have they got to nick?
- Pills.

Pills?

Not just ordinary pills, the pill.

They've got hundreds
of thousands in there.

What? In a maternity hospital?

It's closing the stable door
after the horse has gone.

No, no, no. They're
just stored there

for use in the family
planning clinics.



Dad, if they hand them out free,
what can you make out of them?

Nothing here, son.

But I know a couple of
countries that'll take

as many as they can get
and pay a fortune.

Dr Cross.

Dr Cross to Casualty, please.

Well, Miss Willing,
so you're leaving us.

Yeah. Not exactly
empty-handed, neither.

Oh, now, now, you
mustn't be bitter about

it. You have a
beautiful baby there.

I wish I had one like it.

Yes, well, if you
run into the same

bloke as I did, you can have one.

Who's this, then?



That's, sir Bernard
Cutting, the head chopper.

Ah, another little angel
leaving the fold.

Let me have a last look
at the little chap.

You can have him for keeps
as far as I'm concerned.

Careful, my dear. I might
take you up on that.

He's a splendid little
fellow, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

Oh. I think you can
have him back now.

Again? That's the
fifth this morning.

- He must have a leak.
- I think he's just had one.

Good morning, sir Bernard.

Morning, Arthur. Good
morning, Matron.

How are you?

I'm all right. Why
shouldn't I be all right?

- I look all right, don't I?
- Oh, you've never looked better.

Then why did you ask me how I was?

No particular reason. Just
with all this Asian flu about.

What Asian flu?

Oh, it's only what I
read in the papers.

You can't believe a thing
you read in the papers.

Asian flu indeed.

What a lot of rubbish.

Would you like to
do the rounds now?

What?

No. I can't be
bothered with all that

today. I don't feel well enough.

I think I've got Asian flu.

Poor, sir Bernard. He's
only got to read of

some complaint and he's
convinced he's got it.

I wonder if he's read
Gone with The Wind.

H... I...

Influenza. Asian.

Asian flu. Highly infectious virus
disease, often resulting in death.

Death.

Symptoms:

fever, dizziness, rapid pulse,
yellowing of the eyeballs.

Matron, any news yet, then?

Oh, Mr Tidey, are you still here?

Of course I'm still
here. I've been

here since 10:42 last
night, haven't I?

I should know. I'd just seen
the 10:17 off to Reading.

Did you indeed?

Stopping all stations
except Eton and Twyford.

Quite. And haven't you
had your baby yet?

Well, of course I haven't.

I wouldn't be still here, would I?

Here, what's gone wrong?
What's happening?

Perhaps we're running a
little late, Mr Tidey.

Well, I can't hang around here.
I've got work to do, you know.

Well, I'm just going
round the wards.

I'll find out what
the situation is.

Tell her I've been here all
night, and to get her finger out.

You wait here. I'll
case the joint.

Morning.

- Visiting?
- Well, I'm not producing.

I mean, are you expecting
a baby, or what?

Oh, definitely a baby.
I don't like what's.

- The waiting room is over there.
- Thank you, mate.

If it's a boy, I'll name
him Happy, after you.

Bye.

Blimey, she looked upset, doc.

I'm not surprised. I told
her she was pregnant.

What? Is she really?

No, but it certainly
cured her hiccups.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Are you expectant,
or have you had it?

No. But if you can
spare the time...

- Wait in there, please.
- Thank you.

- Did they just send for you?
- That's right.

It don't mean anything,
you know. The last

two weeks, they've sent
for me nine times.

All I've had is a cup
of tea and a biscuit.

It's not good enough. I'd
tell them to forget it.

- How can you forget it?
- Cancel the whole thing.

But we've done it, haven't we?

How can you cancel it?

Tell 'em you've changed your mind.

Oh... wey.

Has she had it, then?

I...

Could you get me The Guinness
Book Of Records, please?

- Good morning, Nurse Ball.
- Good morning, Matron.

Where's Sister?

In delivery, Matron. Mrs
Hodgkiss has gone in.

Oh, good. And what
about Mrs Tidey?

Afraid not.

She's back here again.

Another false alarm, Mrs Tidey?

I'm afraid so. I reckon
it was just wind again.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Well, now, you're three
weeks overdue and

your husband's getting
very impatient.

Him?

Well, he can talk. It took him
seven years to get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going
to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon, we must
think about inducing labour.

What? Just to please him?

Oh, it's only a bit
over nine months. He

should be thankful
I'm not an elephant.

Well, I'm sure we're all very
thankful for that, Mrs Tidey.

Now, stop being
silly, Mrs Pullitt.

Your baby's perfectly all right.

He's not. He's not.

- What's the matter, Nurse?
- It's nothing, Matron.

What do you mean? I tell you,
there's something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt. You
have a fine little boy.

Take a look at his
little thing, then.

His what? Oh...

Well, I can't see
anything wrong with it.

But it's all bent to one side.

Don't you worry, Mrs
Pullitt. We'll have

everything straightened
out before you leave.

How the hell can we
change our minds?

You can't undo what's
already been done, can you?

What's been done, then?

- She has.
- Has she?

She's over nine months gone.

Don't worry, mate.
She'll come back.

How can you come... back?

Oh...

Matron.

Well, what's happened?

I'm afraid it was another
false alarm, Mr Tidey.

- You may as well go back to work.
- Go back to work?

It was due three weeks ago.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr
Tidey, but babies

tend to arrive when
they feel like it.

There's nothing we
can do about it.

That's a fine state
of affairs, innit?

We'd soon be in a right old mess
if we ran the railways like that.

I was under the
impression that you did.

Ha-ha.

- Can I help you at all?
- Er...

No, thanks. I'm just
passing the time.

Are you awaiting a birth?

- Yes. That's it.
- Who are you?

- The father. I hope.
- What name is it?

- Name?
- What's your name?

Oh. My name?

I er...

That's funny.

I know I had one
when I came in here.

Hang on. Let me think.

- Mr Hodgkiss?
- That's it. Hodgkiss. That's me.

Well, congratulations,
Mr Hodgkiss.

Your wife's had twin boys.

Get away.

That's very nice.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, too.

Yes, well, I'll be
pushing off, then.

Don't you want to see
them, or your wife?

No, not just now. I've got the
girlfriend waiting outside.

That'll do, Sister.

- Get moving.
- What's all the fuss, Dad?

I've just become the
father of twins.

Congratulations.

Oh, shut up. Come
on, get. Hurry up.

Did you find out where
they keep the pills?

Nah, didn't have time.

But I reckon I know how to now.

Son, you're going to
go to work at last.

Dad, couldn't you possibly
manage without me?

You're getting on. You've got to
start work sometime, haven't you?

The fact is, I've had this
offer of a job. In insurance.

He wants to go straight
before he's been crooked.

- He doesn't mean it, do you?
- Of course he doesn't.

- Yes, I do.
- He does.

A good job your mother
can't hear you.

You promised on her deathbed you'd
go into business with your father.

I was six years old at the time.

Son, I'm depending on you.

You're the only bloke who could
do what I've got in mind.

If you really mean that,
Dad, I suppose...

That's my boy.

What do you want me to do?

Well, if I could get
somebody into this hospital

officially, they'd be
able to nose about a bit.

- You mean me.
- You've got it.

- Dad, it's a maternity hospital.
- No, no, no. Not as a patient.

Thank goodness.

As a nurse.

Well, your pulse beat's
all right, sir Bernard.

Strong?

Beautifully strong.

- And that's all right too.
- Normal?

Wonderfully normal.

Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.

I was right up. You ask
Miss Banks. Wasn't I, dear?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, I can assure
you, whatever else you

may have, it certainly
is not Asian flu.

Of course not.

I knew that. I could
have told you.

What do you mean, whatever
else I might have had?

Oh, well, you were
probably suffering from

some slight digestive
upset, or something.

How are your bowels?

My bowels?

They're perfectly all right.
Why bring them into it?

Well, as you well
know, sir Bernard,

irregularity can cause
slight fever symptoms.

I'm not irregular.

I'll have you know, I'm one of the

most regular fellows
in the business.

As long as you have no
pain, or discomfort...

Certainly not.

Now, if you'll kindly both stop
fussing and go, I have work to do.

Very well, sir Bernard.

Oh, there was one small
problem, sir Bernard.

What is it?

Mrs Tidey, in Bunn Ward, you know?

Yes. What about her?

She's three weeks over
her time and I was

wondering if we ought to
consider bringing it on.

Bring it on? Bring what on?

Why, the birth.

Bring it on, bring it
off. What do I care?

Really, sir Bernard.

Can't anyone else make a
decision around here?

Ask Dr Prodd. I've got far more
important things to worry about.

Very well, sir Bernard.

And if you'll take
my advice, you'll

lie down and have a good rest.

I don't need a good rest.

I'm perfectly all
right, do you hear?

B... Bowels.

Diseases of. Oh.
Diseases of the bowels.

All right. You can get
dressed again, Mrs Jenkins.

Upon my soul, if it
ain't Nurse Ball.

The fairest flower of them all.

A present for you, Doctor.

No, no. You cannot tempt
me with strong drink.

Funny. Those were my exact words
to you when I first came here.

Touche.

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Why don't you take your shoes and
socks off and have a nice paddle?

I'll get you in the
end, you little minx.

Well, Doctor?

Yes. I'm afraid you're
pregnant again, Mrs Jenkins.

- What?
- You're pregnant again.

Oh, no, not again. It's
too much. It really is.

I thought you were
stopping that nonsense.

What?

I thought you were
stopping having relations.

Oh, I've tried, Doctor.

But you know what it is?
My husband gets into bed

and says, "Are you going
to sleep, or what?"

And you say, "What?"

Well, that settles it this time.

Whether he likes it or not, I'm

going to use something
from now on.

You'd better, Mrs Jenkins.

What do you think's
the safest, Doctor?

For you, Mrs Jenkins,
a hearing aid.

- What?
- Oh, dear.

Come on, son. Hurry up. I want
to get you in there by six.

I'm nearly ready.

Women always take a
long time dressing.

Especially when they're men.

Well, this is the best I can do.

I fancy you, dear.

Cyril. You look...

- You look lovely.
- Come off it.

- Hello.
- Get off.

Leave her alone.

What do you think, Dad?

- Dad? What's the matter?
- Nothing.

It's just a bit of a
shock, that's all.

It's like seeing your
poor old mum again.

Well, I think he looks lovely.

He could have fooled me any time.

Well, that shouldn't
be too difficult.

I think we should get
a woman to do it.

No, no, son.

In this business, you
never want to trust a

woman to do anything
you can do yourself.

I reckon he'll pass.
What do you say, Fred?

I was thinking... Couldn't
he do with more here?

What for?

I agree with Freddy. I'd
like to see a bit more.

You would.

Don't you realise
that's the point? He

doesn't want to draw
attention to himself.

If you make 'em any bigger,

everybody's going
to start gawping.

I could stick some socks in.

Forget it. They're just
a couple of knockers.

Them, I mean.

Turn round.

This skirt's a bit
tight, isn't it?

I like seeing women in tight
skirts. Especially from behind.

Shut up.

What have you got under
here? Tin drawers?

What the hell have you got
your trousers on for?

What's the matter?
Nobody'll look up there.

How do you know? You're
a nurse, aren't you?

A patient might drop in
a dead faint at your

feet, come to, look up,
what's she going to see?

A lot more without these on.

Shut up laughing. Did
you get the knickers?

Yeah. Black lace ones.

I got some strange looks
from the shop assistants.

Go and get 'em. Go on.

Dad, nurses don't
wear black lace ones.

They don't wear rolled-up
trousers, either.

There they are.

They're ok. What's wrong with 'em?

There's no opening in the front.

Of course not. Women
don't have 'em.

I know.

Well, shut up arguing
and put 'em on.

All right, Dad.

Can't I go disguised
as a male orderly?

Are you raving mad? Have
you ever heard of a

male orderly wearing
black lace knickers?

Well, I certainly
can't see anything

wrong with your
stomach, sir Bernard.

Yes... well, I didn't really
expect you to, you know.

It was just one of
Matron's foolish fancies

and we have to humour
her, you know?

Yes. She's always had a very
soft spot for you, sir Bernard.

That's only to be expected.

She admires a man of character.

Well, I won't waste any
more of your time, Pearson.

I must say, your pelvic
cavity's very interesting.

Oh? In what way?

Well, it's rather large for
a man. More like a woman.

Ooh...

Yes, it is. It never
used to be like that.

Well, what does it... mean?

It's nothing to worry
about, sir Bernard.

On the contrary, as you
well know, it can be a

great asset when it
comes to child-bearing.

Yes... Well, if you'll excuse me,
Pearson, I have a lot to do.

A woman's work is
never done. I mean,

a man's work is
never fun. Goodbye.

It can't be.

Oh, it's impossible.

Sit down, will you?

- Name, please.
- Smethurst.

Oh, yes. I have some good
news for you, Mrs Smethurst.

Miss Smethurst.

Oh. In that case, I have some bad
news for you, Miss Smethurst.

Next, please.

Good morning, Doctor.

Get your clothes off. I'll
be with you in a minute.

I don't think that'll
be necessary, Doctor.

Sorry. I wasn't
expecting you, Matron.

Obviously.

I'd like to talk to you about
Mrs Tidey in Bunn Ward.

The one with the
bottomless stomach.

I think we ought to induce
labour this evening.

Oh, yeah? What does
the old rabbi say?

If by "the old rabbi" you
mean, sir Bernard Cutting,

he's quite prepared
to leave the final

decision to you, strange
as that may seem.

If you say this evening,
that's all right with me.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh. Incidentally...

I'm expecting some more
student nurses today.

Oh, really?

I would like to point
out that they are in

this hospital to further
their education.

Don't worry, Matron. I shall do

everything I possibly
can with them.

That's just what I wish to avoid.

Remember, I want you to
find out where they keep

the stuff and get me a
plan of the hospital.

But what if somebody stops me
and asks me what I'm doing?

That's the beauty of
this nurse's gear.

Nobody's going to give
you a second look.

It's the first look
I'm worried about.

You've no need to be,
honest. You look lovely.

Will you stop telling
him he looks lovely?

Well, he does.

We'll drop it all and put
him in for Miss World.

There's a load of nurses
arriving now. Look.

It's half past five.

They must be going on duty.
Go on. Now's your chance.

- Hey?
- Just tag along behind 'em.

Well, go on. Get a move on.

I can't move fast. These
damn knickers are too tight.

It's much safer that
way. Ask any girl.

Do you mind? Come on. Hurry up.

That's it, son. Remember, we're
depending on you. Good luck.

Yeah. I'm going to need it.

Ha-ha. That's my girl.

Report to the desk, girls.

Excuse me, miss.

- Are you with the others?
- Oh, er... Yes. That's right.

Over there.

Oh...

Thank you.

Name?

- Carter.
- Carter...

- First name?
- Er... Cyril.

- Cyril?
- Cyrille.

C-Y-R-I-L...

double L-E.

Cyrille...

A very unusual name.

It's a Cyrille...
It's a real name.

Would you like to sit over
there with the rest, please?

Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?

- No, I can't.
- You what?

My er... The elastic's gone.

Oh, dear.

I don't suppose you've
got a safety pin.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Haven't you made a mistake?

- How do you mean?
- This is the Gents.

Yes. I know it is.

Oh, er...

Er... knickers.

I'm terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.

I don't mind in the least.

No need to worry. I
won't tell a soul.

About what?

Black lace ones? Very kinky.

Don't rush off, love.

I was only kidding, love.

Oh.

Dr Prodd, I've been
waiting for you.

Oh, there you are, Matron. I
was just looking for you.

That is the last place
you would have found me.

I see what you mean.

May I ask what that nurse
was doing in there?

Pinning up her knicker...

No. The poor kid just made a
mistake. Went in the wrong door.

And you just happened
to be in there?

Yeah...

No. No, no. I...

- I went in after her.
- That I can believe.

Mrs Kemp, I'm rather
busy at the moment.

Would you mind taking the nurses
to the home and allocate rooms?

Certainly, Matron. Girls, come
along. Follow me, please.

When you've finished, Dr
Prodd, perhaps we can

carry on with the
business of the hospital?

After you, Matron.

That's better.

Hello, Mrs Tidey, and how
are we this evening?

No complaints, thank you, Doctor.

Good.

- Except that er...
- Yes?

They were a bit stingy
with the potatoes tonight.

Yes, well, I'm not
so much concerned

with your input as your output.

Oh, there's no trouble there.
I go regular. You ask Sister.

I think the doctor's referring
to your baby, Mrs Tidey.

Why? Nothing wrong
with it, is there?

Oh, no. He just seems reluctant
to put in an appearance.

When you look how the
world is today, there's

nothing worth coming
out for, is there?

I mean, the world's
in a shocking state.

You take the Common Market.

I think we'll give him a
bit of a nudge, shall we?

You're not going to stick that
in the poor little beggar?

No. Only into you, Mrs Tidey.

No. No. You're not puncturing me.

It's for your own good.
You've gone on far too long.

I don't care.

I'm having my kid
naturally, if I have

to lie here for the
rest of my life.

Sister.

Don't be silly. This
won't harm you,

or the baby, I can promise you.

I'm not having it, I tell you.

Now, please, hold still... Aargh.

I'm so sorry.

Mrs Tidey...

If you kick me again, I warn you,
I'll put you on a strict diet.

That's better. Now, then.

Ow.

- I haven't touched you.
- Oh...

What's the matter?

It's starting. Oh...

Are you sure it isn't
indigestion again?

It can't be. I've hardly had
a thing to eat all day.

All right, Sister. Take
her down to Delivery.

Yes, Matron.

Ooh, but let me finish...
finish my dinner first.

Oooh.

Ooh...

All right, Doctor. You may go.

Hey? Oh... What am I
going to do with this?

I'm sure you don't require any
suggestions from me, Doctor.

Put a call through for Mr Tidey.
His wife's started labour.

Again? Let's hope she
finishes this time.

- Is this, sir Bernard's mail?
- Yes, Matron. Last delivery.

I'll take it to him. I
want to see how he is.

First signs of physical change...

Who is?

- Who is it?
- It's Matron, sir Bernard.

Just a moment, Matron.

I won't be a minute.

Yes... Come in now, Matron.

I'm sorry, sir Bernard. I
didn't know you were changing.

Changing?

What are you talking
about? I'm not changing.

That's a lie, do you
hear? It's a lie.

Your clothes, sir Bernard.

Oh... my clothes. I'm sorry. I

thought you were
inferring that I...

Well, don't keep staring at
me as if I were a freak.

Oh, you misunderstand
me, sir Bernard.

Oh, no, I don't. I know
what you are thinking and

let me tell you, I'm a
man, like any other man.

Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.

What?

You have something
very few men have.

What do you mean?

Greatness.

Oh, well... there's no
denying that, naturally.

If I may say so, sir Bernard, I
think you've been overdoing it.

Overdoing it? What do you
mean? Overdoing what?

Work. It's time you had
a holiday, I think.

I don't want a holiday. And will
you kindly stop fussing over me?

I'm only thinking of you.

Well, stop thinking
of me and go away.

Very well, sir Bernard.

Oh...

I nearly forgot. Your mail.

Yes, I am. And I can prove it.

Do you hear? Prove it.

Ye-argh.

Has it happened?

- Not yet, I don't think.
- Oh, thank heavens.

I'm in time.

Ooh, my hooter...

Oh, no. I can't stay here.

Madge, can you come up and
help me with my hair?

- But I'm undressed.
- So what? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, all right.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello, Dad.

Cyril, what's up?

I've got into a spot of bother.

What, already? What's
happened? Where are you?

- I'm in this nurse's bedroom.
- Nurse's bedroom?

You're supposed to be finding the

stuff. And don't
tell me it's there.

No, Dad. They seemed
to think I was a new

student nurse, so they
put me in this room.

Oh, my God. I told you
not to do anything

that would draw attention to you.

But I couldn't help it.

I had to go to the Gents
to pin up my knickers.

You went to the Gents to
pin up your knickers?

Look, I haven't got
time to explain

now, but I can't stay here.

Why not?

Another nurse lives in this room.

So? She's not onto you, is she?

No. But she will be when I
get undressed to go to bed.

I know, get undressed
under your nightie.

Your mum did that
before we got married.

Dad, I haven't got a nightie.

All right, son. All right,
all right. Don't panic.

Don't go to bed. That's it.

Try and find out something this
evening, and I'll be along later.

Listen...

Hello? Is someone in there?

Dad, I'll have to go now.
There's someone at the door.

Right. I'll be in the
fathers' waiting room.

Now, you try and get a
plan of the hospital.

Hey, you. Let me in.

Oh. Oh, hello.

I'm your room-mate, Susan Ball.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. You're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to be personal.

Oh. Oh, that's all right.

You just keep saying
things like that and

you and I are going to
get along just fine.

What do I call you?

Er, Cyrille.

Right, Cyrille. Let's see if we
can't make you feel at home.

Loo and bathroom in there.
And that's your bed there.

Oh, thanks.

Where's your baggage?

I haven't got any. I lost
it at the railway station.

I can let you have
anything you need.

Oh, no. I'm all right, thanks.

You'll find you won't
need a nightie in here.

This place is so well heated,
you can sleep in the raw.

I always do.

Oh, no. I shan't be staying here.

Oh, come here.

Don't talk like that.

You know, once you settle down,
you'll find you'll like it here.

It's a good hospital.

And there's still quite
a few young doctors who

are still prepared to
take no for an answer.

All except for old Prodd, that is.

Oh, dear. You want to
watch out for him.

Do you know,

he collects nurses like some
men collect big game trophies.

Around here, we call
him the taxidermist.

You're not going to
bed now, are you?

Oh, good heavens, no.
I'm going to grab

me a quick shower cos
I've got a date.

Oh, these rotten catches.

Cyrille, would you mind
undoing it for me?

Oooh...

Dr Goode...

- Dr Goode.
- Argh.

Oh, hello. Do forgive me, sir
Bernard. I was miles away.

Oh, yes. Of course.
Well, perhaps I

should come back some other time.

No. I'm back now.

And what can I do for
you, sir Bernard?

Well, I've got a bit of a problem.

Oh, haven't we all?
Would you care to?

I can't do it lying down.

Oh, dear me. You
do have a problem.

No, I mean I prefer to sit
down, if you don't mind.

Don't mind? If it turns
you on, who cares?

Look here, Dr Goode,
you must understand,

this interview must be
purely off the record.

I can assure you that
anything you say to me

will go into one ear
and out of the other.

That doesn't surprise me.

As a matter of fact,
I was talking to my

wife only the other day.
"Hamlet," I said...

Oh, I call her Hamlet
because she thinks

she's a Great Dane.
Isn't it silly?

Dr Goode, I'm not
interested in your wife.

Well, that's a funny
thing. Neither

am I. Shall we forget her?

With pleasure.

Good. Now, what was it I
wanted to talk to you about?

It's the other way round.

Is it? What is?

Our conversation, I mean. I
came here to consult you.

Oh. Well, that puts a different
light on the whole matter.

Do consult.

Thank you.

I was wondering if you personally

had ever thought about
the possibilities

of having a... sex change.

Well, as a matter of
fact, I'm quite happy as

I am. But thank you
very much, sir Bernard.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean, generally speaking.

Have you ever known of a case
of a man turning into a woman?

No. But I've heard of one who
turned into a one-way street.

Oh... Doctor, please. Be serious.

You see, I have this
patient who genuinely

thinks that he is
turning into a woman.

Dear me.

Are there any physical changes?

I don't think so. I haven't
looked for two hours.

I mean, at him. Haven't
looked at him.

I think it's a purely
mental obsession.

Has he had any experience
of the opposite sex?

Oh, no. No, he hasn't had time.

I mean, he hasn't
had... His career.

He's been far too
busy with his career.

Ah. Then I think I understand.

Your patient is suffering
from a pent-up

desire to prove to himself
that he is a man.

You think so?

Yes. Yes...

You may be right.

I'm sure I am.

And I would recommend
that he finds a

suitable partner as
quickly as possible.

And by suitable, you mean willing.

And able.

Yes. Oh, I feel
better already. For

him. I feel better
for him, I mean.

Thank you, Dr Goode.

You've been most helpful.

Oh, I can't tell you...

Oh, yes. I'll get onto
it... right away.

Ah. Matron, any news?

I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

What's she doing?

Well, at this moment, consuming
a large plate of fish cakes.

Fish cakes?

Ever since she got pregnant, she's
had this craving for fish cakes.

Even in the middle
of the ruddy night.

Do you know, she must have
polished off thousands of 'em.

I'll tell you one thing,
if ever this child gets

born, it's going to be
smothered in breadcrumbs.

Ah, Dr Prodd.

You're in Emergency tonight.

Afraid so.

We're standing by for
a possible premature.

Oh, no...

You won't mind when you
find out who she is.

I shall be up in my room
if I'm required, Arthur.

What did she mean by
that? Who's coming in?

Jane Darling, the film star.

Really?

Hello. It's my pin, up girl.

Dad?

Oh. Er... Good evening.

- Excuse me.
- That's all right.

- Lost again?
- Yes, that's right. Excuse me.

You know, love, what you want
is a plan of this place.

How did you know?

Think of a better way of getting
to know your way around?

I see what you mean.
If you'll excuse me...

I've got a plan up in my room.

- Have you really?
- All the doctors have one.

I'd like to see yours.

Likewise.

- In your room, you say?
- Room 15 on the fifth floor.

If you'd like to come up in ten
minutes, I'll show it to you.

If I come, will you
promise to behave?

Naturally.

All right, then. I'll be there.

And when I behave naturally,
I never get any complaints.

Yes. Who is it?

It's me. Frankie.

Come in.

It is all right for
tonight, isn't it?

Yes. But I'm so
frightened somebody's

going to see you
coming here one night.

Oh, get away with you.
It's only once a week.

Yes, but you know how gossip
goes round the hospital.

After all, you are a
married man, Francis.

Yes, I know. But as I've told
you, my wife doesn't like it.

I can't think why not.

No. She thinks it's
a waste of time.

Do you know, she won't
even look at it.

- Oh, what a shame.
- Yes.

And a man needs a little
relaxation when he comes home.

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm so thrilled
you like it as much as I do.

As long as we're careful.

Care for a little drinkie first?

Oh, lovely.

It should be a good one tonight.

Yes.

If it's anything like last week...

That was wonderful

Cheers.

Good health.

Mm...

Are you ready?

Ra-ther.

Ooh...

I can't think why your
wife doesn't like it.

It's the best programme
on television.

Oh, I know. But you
know, she'd rather

curl up on a hearth
rug with a good bone.

- It's coming on.
- Oh, good.

Now it's time for this week's
exciting episode of...

The Surgeons.

The Surgeons, the everyday
drama of a great hospital.

Last week, we left Nurse Spencer

unconscious on the
operating table,

while Dr Carpenter, her lover,
prepared to fight for her life,

still unaware that his
estranged wife Rachel

had secretly
substituted a cylinder

of deadly carbon dioxide gas...

in place of her
life-giving oxygen.

Yes? What do you want?

You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.
I was here this morning.

Oh, yes. I thought
you'd had your baby.

No. I'm leaving
that to the missus.

Well, you know where to go.

Thank you.

- Evening.
- Evening.

You haven't had it yet, then?

No. I reckon it'll be
here tonight, though.

You'll be lucky. I've been here
every night for the last ten days.

They sent for me.

It don't mean a thing.
That's the way they work.

When in doubt, send
for the ruddy father.

Yes... Well, that'll
teach you to turn over

and go back to sleep
next time, won't it?

That's not funny.

My woman's waited seven
years for a baby.

She needn't have done that.

No?

No. I had that trouble
when I kept chickens.

Chickens?

I used to get plenty of
eggs, but no baby chicks.

Oh, no.

Till somebody told me what to do.

- What was that?
- Change the cock.

Oh, that's very
funny, I don't think.

- Mr Grant?
- Yes?

Congratulations.
You've got a fine boy.

Oi... What about me, then?

I was here before him.

Better luck next time.

Oh, get shunted.

Come in, love. Come in.

Gosh. No wonder they call
you the taxidermist.

Do they? Well, it just shows you,
there's nothing like advertising.

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.
- No, I can't stay.

Nonsense. Of course you can.

Just so we're not disturbed.

Now, then...

- What about a little drink?
- Oh, no, no. I never touch it.

- Oh. Cigarette, then?
- No. I never touch them.

Well, that leaves only
one thing to offer you.

I never touch that, either.

You haven't come
here to play games.

You're right. I came
to see your plan.

- Who cares about the damn plan?
- Ah, ah. Plan first.

I've been planning all ruddy
evening. It's time for action.

I shall scream. I shall
scream. Matron. Matron.

Ok. Ok.

There you are.

But you know damn well you didn't
come up here just for that.

Oh, yes. This is
just what I wanted.

- And this is just what I wanted.
- Get off.

Now, then. Where do
they keep the pills?

The pill. There's a big
store of them here.

Oh. I get you now.

Down in the basement here, but
I can't get you any now, love.

They're locked up.

Oh, I don't want it for myself.

- Oh, good.
- Get off.

Is this the only way
down to the basement?

That's enough of the damn plan,
love. We're wasting time.

- I haven't finished.
- What are you doing?

Give that back.

You promised you'd give it to me.

I will, too. But not that.

It's not mine. Come on.

Come and get it.

- Oh, you want to play games?
- No. I didn't mean that. Get off.

No, I didn't mean that. Get off.

Get away.

Take your hands off.
Take your hands...

Argh.

What's this then?

Rolled-up socks?

Why, you little cheat...

- What else you got down there?
- Get off.

That's enough. I don't want to
have to use any rough stuff.

I wouldn't if I were you. I
was boxing champ at Guy's.

Let me go. Please. You'll
be sorry. Let me go.

Try and make me, love.

- Who's that?
- Me.

God, what a woman.

Hey. Hey, love. Phwoar.

Come back, love.

They'll be there
within half an hour.

Hey, doc. You're wanted.

- Blast. What is it?
- The premature film star.

Her old man's been
on. It's started.

- Damn. Is the ambulance here?
- Outside. There's the address.

Right.

- Did you get it?
- Yeah. There it is.

What's this?

Sorry, Dad. It's one
of my bristols.

That's it. Let's go.

We can't go on an emergency
without a nurse.

I'm sorry, Doctor, I am
only the attendant...

Hang on a minute. Hang on.

Ah. You'll do nicely. Come on.

Let me go.

I'm sorry, love. We've
got a little job.

Leave me alone, will you?

That driver touched my bottom.

Something tells me Cyril's
taking this too seriously.

Nurse, forceps...

scalpel...

swabs...

Ah...

More oxygen...

Sister, quick. More swabs.

Who's that?

Just as it was getting
exciting too.

Oh...

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, Matron, sir Bernard.
I'd like to come in.

Sir Bernard...

Just a moment, sir Bernard.

He can't find you in my room.

- I'll hide.
- Quick. This way. In here.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir Bernard.

I was just in the
middle of undressing.

Oh, don't let me stop you, Matron.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm very broad-minded.

I might not even
look the other way.

Sir Bernard, do you think it's
wise coming to my room at night?

- People might misunderstand.
- I don't think so.

They'll merely think we're having
a bit of the old slap and tickle.

- Really, sir Bernard.
- Well, why not?

It's natural. You're a
man and I'm a woman.

Sir Bernard,

are you sure you're
feeling quite yourself?

On the contrary, I've never felt
more like it. Myself, I mean.

Don't you think you ought
to go and lie down?

Now you're getting the idea.

No, no, no. I mean, in your room.

Oh, why? It's much
more comfortable here.

Come on. Let's sit down.

What on earth was that?

Oh, it's just a spring.

Oh. I thought it sounded
like breaking glass.

That would never do, would it?

Remember what happened
to the skipper?

I'm sure you're not feeling
well. Do you feel hot?

Very.

I shall go and get my thermometer.

- Oh, that's not what I want.
- What is it, then?

Matron, a man and a woman are here
to fulfil one basic function.

You know what that is, don't you?

Well, I should do, after 15
years in a maternity hospital.

That's what's wrong with me. I
need to prove myself as a man.

Well, the proof of the
pudding is in the eating.

Exactly.

Will you lay the table, or
shall I? Get your cruet out.

- You can't be suggesting...
- Why not?

You know there's a mutual
attraction between us.

You must have felt it, working
together all these years.

Side by side, brushing
against each other.

Oh...

So you've felt it too?
That exciting tingling...

I've only got to think of
you and I have a tingle.

Oh, how wonderful.

But I never thought that
you wanted me, too.

- Desperately.
- Oh.

I don't know what to
say. It's all so sudden.

Oh, my dear, I don't expect you
to make up your mind immediately.

Take your time. Think it over
for a couple of minutes.

Oh.

You're all of a tingle,
aren't you? Tingle, tingle...

Er...

Hello, Tingle here... Matron here.

Oh. Yes, Arthur.

I see. Has the ambulance left?

Well, if you could get in touch...

That was Arthur.
There's an emergency

coming in in half an hour.

Oh, damn it.

Then the time for
thinking is past.

Give me your answer. Will you?

- I don't know what to say.
- Yes, or no?

Oh, yes. And no.

What? What does that
mean, "yes and no"?

Yes, if you're asking me
to marry you. No, if not.

Well, I don't have to get
married to prove myself.

You do to prove yourself with me.

How do we know we're physically
suited to each other?

It's like do-it-yourself
with a wallpaper.

Wallpaper?

You don't just buy enough
for the whole room.

You tear yourself
off a little strip

and try it first.

That may be so, but
you're not going

to stick me up against the wall.

Step on it, Doctor.
She's pretty near.

Don't worry. She's in good hands.

Even got a nurse.

Good luck, darling. I'll be along
as soon as I can park the au pair.

She won't stay in the house
alone at night, you see?

Right. Let's go.

Bye.

Ok, darling?

Ok, darling.

- Is it bad, Miss Darling?
- Oh, yes.

I can give you a jab to kill
it for a bit, if you like.

- Yes, please, Doctor.
- Right.

Nurse, in that case there,
you'll find a hypo.

- A what?
- A hypodermic.

Oh.

This thing?

Yes. Fill it from the
bottle labelled pethidine.

Take it easy. It won't be
long now, Miss Darling.

- Hurry up, Nurse.
- I'm coming.

Oh. You idiot.

You've given me the lot.

Quickly. Do something.

Yes, miss. Right away, miss.

Not to him. Me.

It's coming.

Oh, no.

No, I do not believe in
free love. And what's more,

I think it's very insulting
of you to ask me.

You don't believe in
paying for it, do you?

I don't want to hear any more,

and I think you'd better go before
you say something you may regret.

I know what it is.

There's someone else, isn't there?
You've got a lover already.

- Haven't you?
- Certainly not.

It's just that I'm a
simple woman with

simple tastes and I
want to be wooed.

Ooh, you can be as wooed
as you like with me.

Oh, no.

You don't understand. I
want to be made a fuss of.

I want to be given
chocolates and flowers.

Oh, well, here you are.

I'll buy you a packet
of Fruit & Nut

tomorrow. Now, come on.
Stop messing about.

I didn't think it was possible

that someone could go
down to the depths

that you've gone in
this pernicious manner.

I'm only flesh and blood.

I'm tingling like a beast,
aflame with passion.

Burning with desire.

I'm bur... Here, I told you
I was hot stuff, didn't I?

Oh. The wardrobe's on fire.

All right, all right, don't
panic. I'll see to it.

Stand well back,
Matron. Now, then,

don't panic. It'll be all right.

Now, then. Here we go, you see?

Don't worry, I'll
soon have it out.

You Jezebel.

Bernard, I can explain.

- Now, look...
- Listen, they just phoned.

Here's the message, "Jane Darling
has gone to Finisham Hospital."

I can't help that. I tell
you, she's not here yet.

It's true. We were just
watching television.

In the wardrobe? The
indignity of it.

I'll never be able to
hold up my head again.

Sir Bernard, Matron, come quick.

Hey, come on, Dick.

Prodd. Good gracious.

What happened to him?

Don't ask me, sir. We just found
him like that when we opened up.

- He's drunk.
- That's not all, sir.

Take a look inside.

Triplets.

Nurse, did you?

She did. And she was
absolutely wonderful.

Three little darlings.

Three Darlings...

Right. This is the
storeroom where they keep

all the stuff, down
in the basement here.

Oh, yeah? Where do they
have all the babies, then?

Up in the ward, stupid.
Where do you think?

Well, it doesn't always follow.
My mum had me on top of a bus.

I'm glad he told us that.
It makes the job easier.

Number 73. Bang in the middle
of Brixton high street.

All right, all right. So
you're a born traveller.

Now, will you shut up for
a minute and listen?

Now, as far as I can
see, the only way

we can get into the basement here

is through the front
door of the hospital.

- That can't be right.
- Why not?

No.73 doesn't go to Brixton.

Oh, cor blimey...

- It does.
- It does not.

It goes from Marble Arch out
to Putney and Wimbledon.

It can't do, else how
was I born in Brixton?

Oh, shut up.

I ought to know where I was born.

I don't care where you were born.

It's bad enough it happened.

We've got more important
things to talk about.

Now, then, as far
as I can see, we...

You're both wrong. The
73 goes to Holloway.

It does not.

I ought to know. I used
to catch it on the way

to visit the old woman
when she was in the nick.

- You're thinking of the 116.
- I am not thinking of the 116.

It goes down to Balls
Pond Road, and

then turns left into Islington.

What are you on about?

After Putney it goes to Wimbledon.

What a load of rubbish. It goes...

The fuzz.

Wait a minute. Wait.

What are we doing? We're not
wanted for anything yet.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.
- See who it is.

Papers.

It's only the papers.

All right, then.

Here, there's a picture of
Cyril on the front page.

Let me see.

Oh, no.

There's one in this one, too.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah. It's a good
likeness, innit?

Yeah. Great.

Something happened to the
doctor in the ambulance.

Blimey, Cyril
delivered the babies.

It just shows you what a good

education can do for
you, doesn't it?

- Fancy, old Cyril an heroine.
- Do you think he'll get a medal?

He'll get a kick up the backside.

Well, I only asked.
What's he done?

What's he done?

He's just about ruined the
whole thing, that's what.

"Take it easy," I said. "Don't do

anything that'll draw
attention to you."

He couldn't have drawn more bloody

attention if he'd had
the kids himself.

I've got to get down there.

Well, Mrs Tidey. Another
false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think? All that
talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.

Still, it's nice to be
back. I don't like that

delivery room. It's
not very comfortable.

It isn't meant for
comfort, Mrs Tidey.

Well, it looks as if we'll have to
try something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't
mind some sausages and tomatoes.

Yeah...

Cor...

What is it? Quick, tell
me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

So far.

What? Hasn't she?
Hasn't she had the?

No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey. You

may as well go back
to your trains.

What, again? I can't do that.

What'll my mates say? I
shall be a laughing stock.

Well, in your job, you
should be used to that.

I've got to be back at
work on Monday, you know.

We're starting
another strike then.

Really? Well, if it hasn't arrived
by then, I think I might join you.

Now, look here.

I'm not budging from here until
she's had it and that's it.

Well, please yourself,
Mr Tidey, but

there's nothing more
we can do about it.

Dynamite, that's what she needs.

Give her dynamite.

- Morning, Arthur.
- Morning, sir Bernard.

- Sir Bernard.
- Yes, what is it, Matron?

I'd like to apologise for
what happened in my room.

Matron, if you're
worried that I might be

considering disciplinary
action, you needn't be.

We're all mature, adult people,

and whatever goes
on between you and

Dr Goode is no concern of mine,

however disgusting it may be.

Nothing goes on. We're
just good friends.

Good fr... I know all about good
friends. I had one at school.

She was the groundsman's daughter,
but never got off the ground.

That is a very
uncalled-for remark, sir

Bernard, and I shall
expect an apology.

It isn't all you're expecting,
I shouldn't wonder.

Very well, sir Bernard.
But don't come to

me again when you want
to prove yourself.

I am a woman, not a
do-it-yourself kit.

Good morning, Doctor.

Have a bad night?

No, thanks. I've just had one.

Just exactly what did you do
to my room-mate last night?

- Your room-mate?
- Yes. Nurse Carter.

What did I do to her?

Yes. Well, she hasn't
been back to the

room all night. She's
just disappeared.

That's the best news
I've heard today.

I hope she's all right.

I'm supposed to be
looking after her.

Believe me, Nurse Ball. That
girl can look after herself.

Have you done Mrs
Brown's specimen?

- What?
- Mrs Brown's specimen.

Eurgh. It's done. Take it away.

Send in the first patient, please.

Morning, Doctor.

Oh. Mrs Tucker, isn't it?
Do sit down, Mrs Tucker.

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, what's your problem?

Well, I came to see you three
months ago, if you remember,

because I was going to get married

and I was worried about my husband
being able to have a baby.

Yes, that's right. He was
a bit older than you.

88.

Yes. And?

Well, if you remember,
you suggested it might

be a good idea if I were
to take in a lodger.

You know, someone a
little nearer my own age.

Yes. But purely off the
record, of course.

Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.

- Really? What about your husband?
- Oh, he's tickled pink.

Oh. That's all right, then.
What about the lodger?

Well, that's the trouble.

She's pregnant, too.

Nurse Carter, I've been worried
about you. Where have you been?

Fast asleep in the
sluice room, Matron.

I couldn't stand the fuss last
night. I had to get away.

But you acted splendidly, my dear.
We're all very proud of you.

Matron, I don't think
I'm cut out to

be a nurse. I want to pack it in.

Nonsense. You're just tired.
You take the day off.

Have a nice rest, and tomorrow
you'll feel differently about it.

- Oh, no, I won't.
- Take it from me.

I've had hundreds of capable
nurses through my hands

and you have that extra little
something the others haven't got.

How did you know?

Excuse me, but the
dispensary's out of Penbritin.

I shall go to my room, get the
key and meet you in the store.

Nurse Ball, take
Nurse Carter to your

room and put her to
bed immediately.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes. Do as I say.

Come along, Matron's pet.
Let's go to bye-byes.

I think I can manage
from here, thank you.

I may as well see you into bed.

No. I'd rather be alone,
if you don't mind.

- Please yourself.
- Thank you.

I don't believe it.

I just couldn't go without
making sure you were ok.

Perfectly, thank you.

You fell right on your chest. I
hope you didn't do it any damage.

Oh, no. It's fine, rea...

Oh, good. Well, now
I'm here, I might

as well help you get undressed.

- I can manage by myself, thanks.
- Don't be silly.

Honestly, I don't need help.

Good heavens. What are
you worried about?

As a nurse, I've had to
undress plenty of men.

I dare say, but that's beside
the point. Some people...

You said "men".

You know, then? But how?

When you tripped on the
stairs just now, I

saw something that
left no doubt at all.

Oh, well, that's it,
then, isn't it?

I've met some pretty
kinky nurses in my time,

but never one who
wore striped shorts.

Oh. I pinched those last night
when I split the black lace ones.

Black lace... I'd love
to have seen that.

I don't have to bother with
this damn thing any more.

Oh, that's much better.

You know, you're
really quite dishy.

I bet you say that to all
the female impersonators.

Would you mind telling
me, why the hell

did you do it? For a
bet, or something?

- No, nothing like that.
- Oh, I see.

You just felt the urge to become
a nurse and deliver a few kids?

No. I didn't know
that would happen.

Well, why then? We
are room-mates, and

room-mates ought not
to have secrets.

You won't like it if I tell you.

- Well, I'm not forcing you to.
- Oh, no. Please, don't go.

I'd like you to know.

You see, it all started...

How do you do? I
wonder if you could

tell me where I could
find Nurse Carter.

Are you from the press?

Oh, no. I'm his father.

Er... she's my son.
My... my daughter.

I've got so many kids,
it gets confusing.

Well, Mr Carter,
she's resting at the

moment. She had a very hard night.

Yes, I know. But I'm
sure she'd like

to see me. Just for a few minutes.

Well, since you're her father.

She's at No.16, the nurses' home.

That's outside and turn right.

Thank you.

Mrs Kemp, what was Mr
Hodgkiss doing here?

Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?

Yes. The man who just went out.

Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss,
Matron. That was Mr Carter.

Nurse Carter's father.

I could have sworn that...

What did he want?

To see his daughter, I think.

I sent him to the nurses' home.

Did you?

There's something
funny going on here.

I told you you wouldn't like it.

You, a crook? I don't believe it.

I'm not a proper one.
It's my first go at it,

actually. I only did
it to please my dad.

To pinch pills? But
that's ridiculous.

Yeah. I agree. It's stupid.

You'll have to tell
them, I suppose.

Well, yes. I suppose I should.

But... I don't know, I just
don't think they'd believe it.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

- You mean you're not going to?
- Not going to what?

Tell them about me and
what I'm doing here.

What about you? What
are you doing here?

You're lovely. Do you know that?

Ah... you're not so bad yourself.

What was that for?

For being kind enough
not to undo my

bra when I asked you to yesterday.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Here, stop it.

Excuse me.

Cor blimey.

- Dad.
- Cyril.

This is my room-mate Susan.

- Oh, hello.
- How do you do?

Is that who you were worried
about sharing with?

- Yeah. That's right.
- I sent you to the wrong school.

Will you excuse me?
I've got to get back.

What do you think you're doing?

Kissing nurses. And
without your wig on.

You might have given
yourself away.

She knows all about it.

I know. They all do these day...
You mean, she knows about us?

Yeah. But she won't tell anyone.

That's it. We've got
to do it tonight.

You're still going
through with it?

Of course I am.

Don't expect any help from me.

Now, son. Son, don't let me down.

We need you to get us in.

- No, I'm sorry, Dad...
- You promised your mum.

Now, look, Dad.

Gertie... if you're
listening to your son now,

plug up your ear holes.

It's too late. Do you
hear that noise?

She's turning in her grave.

All right. All right,
Dad, I'll do it.

Good boy.

Just tell me what
you want me to do.

Stop doing that, for a start.

We'll be here at 11
o'clock sharp. Got that?

Yes.

We don't want any more slip-ups,
so please try and be careful.

How did that nurse get on to you?

She saw these pants when
I tripped on the stairs.

We can't risk that. You'll
have to take 'em off.

What?

- Take your pants off.
- Oh, no.

Get 'em off.

What's going on in there?
Open this door at once.

- That's Matron.
- I'd better get out.

- That's the loo.
- Nurse Carter, are you all right?

- Yes.
- Open this door at once.

I know there's a man in there.

Let her in.

Oh. Oh, you poor child.

Where is he? Where
is the filthy beast?

Oh.

Come back, you monster.

Come back.

Ooh.

- It's all right. Don't scream.
- What do you want?

Well, that's very nice of you,
but I haven't got the time.

Oh...

All right, Nurse. Don't worry.

Oh...

Come back.

Come back. I want you.

My God. She's a sex maniac.

Go.

Good heavens, that's
what's wrong with me.

I love her.

Miss Banks, I want to see
Dr Goode immediately.

Dr Goode, Psychiatry.
Can I help you?

Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?

Come in.

Ah, Goode, my dear chap.

Come in and close the
door, will you, old boy?

You wanted to see
me about something.

Yes. And don't pretend you don't
know what it is, you filthy beast.

What?

Don't try and deny it.
I know what's been

going on between you and
Matron, in her room,

every night, bouncing
about together

like a pair of Ping-Pong balls.

I beg your pardon. We've never had
so much as an ounce of a bounce.

Don't expect me to
believe all that

claptrap about
watching television.

The set wasn't even turned on.

Oh, no. We had it off
before you came in.

Aha. So you admit it, then?

Certainly not.

I've never felt about
Matron in that way.

But now you come to mention it...

Aha. I'll get the truth, if I have
to beat it out of you, you swine.

Oh, no. No.

Sir Bernard...

Sir Bernard, no. No.

Help. Help.

Oh.

I think, sir Bernard's
upset about something.

I'll kill him, do you
hear? I'll kill him.

Please. You mustn't.

Get out of my way, Miss Banks.

I can't let you. Think
of the scandal.

- Get out of my way.
- Argh.

Now, for the last time,
will you admit it?

I've never even touched
her, I swear it.

Liar and lecher.
Admit it. Admit it.

I'm telling the truth. I
swear it. Newt's honour.

You're a Newt?

Yes. I've been Master of the Grand
Order of Newts for five years.

Really?

Of course. And I was a Tadpole
for three years before that.

But this is splendid.

What pond do you belong to?

Wapping and Old Stairs.

- Really?
- Yes.

I am a Grand Salamander
Newt of the Watford pond.

You're not.

- Glub glub.
- Glub glub.

We swear

to uphold the noble code of
the Grand Order of Newts...

Now, come on, Mrs Tidey.
Let's get to sleep.

But I'm still hungry.

It's not good to go to
sleep on an empty stomach.

Well, I'd hardly call
yours empty, Mrs Tidey.

She's had two of
everything for supper,

Matron. And two mugs of cocoa.

Well, we can't let her go to
sleep hungry, can we, Sister?

What about a nice big
glass of... castor oil?

Good night.

I'm going up to my
room now, Arthur.

It should be a quiet night.
Nothing on the books.

I hope so, after last night.

Who is it?

It's me, Susan.

Here you are. I think
they're dry enough.

Thanks a lot.

Next time, be more choosy about
which nurse you have a bath with.

They smell something awful.

I didn't notice what
she smelt like.

No. You were too busy looking.

Oh, go on. Go and get changed.

Here, do you know something? I
don't know what your name is.

What is it really?

Cyril.

Oh, dear. Well, I suppose
I'll get used to it.

Does that mean you want
to see me again, then?

Well, that all depends
on you, doesn't it?

You know I want to see you.

That's all very well, but I don't
fancy being a gangster's moll.

I've told you. Honestly. I'm
going to pack it all in.

All right, Nurse. It's a deal.

How's the time?

Two minutes to.

Drive in slowly, and park.

Dad, wait a minute. Listen. Dad.

Dad.

- Everything ok?
- No.

Prodd's hanging around
the entrance hall.

Is that the one who
tried to get matey?

Yes. That's what
I'm worried about.

- Get him out here.
- Me? How?

You're a woman, aren't
you? Flash 'em.

Dad...

You seem a bit down tonight, doc.

You'd be down, too,
if you'd had 50ccs

of pethidine up your archipelago.

Hey, talking about that,

- here comes our little heroine.
- Oh, no.

Oh, Dr Prodd,

I wanted to apologise for
what I did last night.

It's all right. It only
hurts when I sit down.

You've been so sweet about it, I

feel I owe you
something in return.

Well, if you put it like that...

What had you in mind?

I was wondering whether
you'd like to see...

me back to the nurses' home.

Yes, I think I could
just about manage it.

Standing up.

I don't know what it
is about a maternity

hospital, but they're all at it.

- Just a minute.
- What's the matter?

- I've got something for you.
- What is it?

A little surprise.
Close your eyes.

Let me have it.

All right. That's it. Get Ernie.

All right, Ernie, this
is it. Out you get.

- Well, come on. Jump.
- I can't jump in my condition.

- Bag.
- And you.

Get the bag.

- Nurse.
- Get the bag.

Pregnant and I've got to carry
my own bag. Cop hold of that.

Watch it. Just watch it.

Hold it. Careful. Careful.

It won't be long now.

- You show the way?
- Straight to the lift, Dad...

- Doctor.
- Thank you.

- Hey, what is all this?
- I er... It is all right.

I am Doctor... Zhivago.

I have here an emergency.

Oh. Are they expecting
you, Doctor?

Expecting?

What do you think this is? Wind?

Don't you worry. The nurse
knows all about it.

Oh, well, you're in
good hands with her.

Jawohl. A proper little
Florence the Nightingale.

Doctor Zhivago?

What did I tell you? It
worked like a charm.

- Cor...
- What's the matter?

It shows you, the
power of suggestion.

What are you talking about?

I could have sworn
I felt it kicking.

You'll feel something
kicking if you don't

belt up. Come on,
Freddy. Through here.

- We'll never pick that lock.
- Can't we blow it?

That's right. Wake up the whole
hospital. No. Only if we have to.

- Know where they keep the keys?
- Matron's got a set.

- Where will I find her?
- In her room on the fifth floor.

- You stay here with him.
- Wait a minute.

What if it happens
while you're gone?

What happens?

Well, I mean, I...

I'm sorry. I keep thinking I'm
really going to have one.

I'll give you one in a minute.

Here.

You twerp.

- Oh.
- Oh. Scusi, madam, scusi.

That's all right. But what are you
doing here? What do you want?

I think we are lost. We look for

the... how you say?
Removal room? No?

Oh, you mean the delivery room.

Ah, jawohl. Yes.

I don't know how
you found your way

here, but it's on
the ground floor.

Along there, down the stairs.

Ah, yes. Yes.

Grathias, mademoiselle. Grathias.

Enchante.

Come, Frederico.

Arrivederci.

Here, Sid...

- Good boy. Have you found them?
- What are we looking for?

Oh, knickers.

Here, Sid, I've found 'em.

Put 'em down.

What are we looking for?

Keys, you fool.

Oh, keys, you fool.

Matron, it's me. May I come in?

It's Bernard.

Matron...

Still warm.

She can't be far away.

Oh...

Oh, Matron. I've
come to apologise.

- I misjudged you terribly.
- Oh?

And what's caused this
sudden change, sir Bernard?

A desire to prove yourself again?

No, no. I was talking
to Dr Goode and he

told me there was
nothing between you

and, as a brother Newt, I
believe him implicitly.

A brother Newt?

Yes. We're both Newts, you know.

Oh, where did you happen to
meet? In a jam jar, perhaps?

Oh, now, don't be
like that, Matron.

Say you'll forgive me. Please.

Oh, that's all very
well, sir Bernard,

but the fact that you
thought I could entertain

a man in my room for
the purpose of...

well, that sort of thing.

What's wrong with...
that sort of thing?

I beg your pardon?

When two people are
attracted to each other...

As you are to me?

Desperately. You're the
medicine I've been wanting.

Three times a day and
shake well before taking.

You have such a
romantic way of putting

things. I don't know what to say.

Say you'll have me.

Come, sir Bernard.

Sit beside me.

- Ooh.
- What on earth was that?

Ooh...

Oh, no. Not again.

They don't half put those gas
metres in some funny places.

Excuse me, madam.

Matron. How could you?

Sir Bernard, I don't know what
that man was doing down there.

No. You should have shoved him in
the cupboard like the last one.

Perhaps you've got one in
there alrea... Already.

My God. You have.

Yes. You've got woodworm
in there all right, miss.

We'll send you an estimate.

Matron, I've only got one
thing to say to you,

never try to join the Newts.

I've never seen those
men. They were in the...

I don't want...

Come on. Let's get this door open.

Did you get it?

No. But we stopped
someone else getting it.

We'll have to blow it.
Ernie, get the stuff out.

Come on. Hurry up.

Be careful with it.
Steady with it.

Slowly.

There. There you are.

Careful.

Huh... Looking for woodworm...
Reading the gas metre...

I'm not a fool.

You certainly are if
you believe that.

I tell you, those men
are up to no good.

Arthur, have you seen any
suspicious men about?

Suspicious, Matron?

Yes. One in uniform, the other
in a dark suit with a beard.

Oh, the men who came in with the

emergency, about quarter
of an hour ago.

There you are. What
did I tell you?

Emergency? We're not expecting
any emergencies, are we?

Well, Nurse Carter seemed
to know all about it.

Nurse Carter? Where did they go?

Up in the lift, Matron.

We'll get to the bottom
of this. Arthur, lock

all the doors and don't
let anyone in or out.

I'll find out who's
been unauthorised in

this hospital if it's
the last thing I do...

All right. Come on. Get down.

Oh. Oh.

What's that?

Oh. Sister. Quick.

It's starting.

Sister.

All right, Mrs Tidey.
It's all right.

Just lie back. I won't
be a moment. Just relax.

Come on, Dad. Hurry up.

All right. That's enough.

Here you are.

Let's go.

Blimey, that was quick, doc.

Yes. It's my new method.

I just whistle and out she comes.

Pardon...

You can't go out, doc.
I've locked the doors.

Back way. Quick.

Come on. Down here.

Here they are.

Locked. Through there.

They're locked.

Come on.

Down here.

There they are.

This is the maternity
hospital here.

I'd like to report an explosion.

- They can't go through here.
- Where can they be?

- Where could they have got to?
- They must be round this way.

No. No.

Come on.

Come on.

Stop those men.
They're trespassing.

- Come on. Through here.
- Right.

- I'll ladder my stockings.
- Oh, shut up. Get in.

Look out.

Mind my... mind my back.

Matron. Through here. Quickly.

Dirty nappies.

Eurgh.

Come on, Matron. The wards.

Aargh.

Missed me.

Aargh.

Mr Tidey...

Congratulations, your
wife's just had a fine boy.

At last. I told you to
use dynamite, didn't I?

Did you hear that, mates?

I've got a boy.

You've done it. Well done.

- Well done.
- There they are.

There they are. Matron.

- Do you mind?
- Blimey.

- It's no good.
- Quick.

There they are.

- There they are.
- Get them.

Get them.

There's millions of
'em, like rabbits.

Don't let them go.

All right, all right,
the game's up.

Hand over whatever it
is you've got there.

Quiet, please. I am
trying to phone.

Stop all that nonsense
and call the police.

I'm trying to.

- I wouldn't, mate.
- Why not?

Well, if it ever got
out that the nurse

who delivered those
babies was a fella...

What?

I don't believe it.

You want more proof?

Get off, Dad.

He's right, sir Bernard.
We'd never live it down.

Very well. Arthur, put the phone
down. What is your proposition?

Simple. We give you the
stuff back, you let us go.

- My baby.
- Oh, shut up.

- Give it to me.
- Give it to her.

- All right. Hold the case, then.
- Oh, you fool. There.

You'll have to let
them go, sir Bernard.

Very well. Arthur, open the doors.

Ha-ha. It's time we left.

What on ea...

Prodd.

What on earth do you think
you're doing, you idiot?

- Ah...
- Well done, lad.

Well done.

- Our turn next?
- It'd better be.

- You're not, are you?
- Oh...

- Here.
- Oh...

Don't they look lovely?

Yeah. I'm glad something
good's come out of it, anyway.

Happy, my dear?

Especially for you. You'll be
able to prove yourself at last.

I'm not worried about that any
more, I can assure you, my dear.

Are we going to do another job?

Of course. I've got
a beauty lined up.

Really? What is it?

I was reading about this
millionaire's nudist camp.

If I could just get somebody
in there to look it over...

Hey. Come back.

Come back, you fools.