Carry on Matron (1972) - full transcript

There it is, Finisham Hospital

- our next job.

- What? A maternity hospital?

That's it. Headquarters of

the famous Pudding Club.

- What have they got to nick?

- Pills.

Pills?

Not just ordinary pills, the pill.

They've got hundreds

of thousands in there.

What? In a maternity hospital?

It's closing the stable door

after the horse has gone.

No, no, no. They're

just stored there

for use in the family

planning clinics.

Dad, if they hand them out free,

what can you make out of them?

Nothing here, son.

But I know a couple of

countries that'll take

as many as they can get

and pay a fortune.

Dr Cross.

Dr Cross to Casualty, please.

Well, Miss Willing,

so you're leaving us.

Yeah. Not exactly

empty-handed, neither.

Oh, now, now, you

mustn't be bitter about

it. You have a

beautiful baby there.

I wish I had one like it.

Yes, well, if you

run into the same

bloke as I did, you can have one.

Who's this, then?

That's, sir Bernard

Cutting, the head chopper.

Ah, another little angel

leaving the fold.

Let me have a last look

at the little chap.

You can have him for keeps

as far as I'm concerned.

Careful, my dear. I might

take you up on that.

He's a splendid little

fellow, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

Oh. I think you can

have him back now.

Again? That's the

fifth this morning.

- He must have a leak.

- I think he's just had one.

Good morning, sir Bernard.

Morning, Arthur. Good

morning, Matron.

How are you?

I'm all right. Why

shouldn't I be all right?

- I look all right, don't I?

- Oh, you've never looked better.

Then why did you ask me how I was?

No particular reason. Just

with all this Asian flu about.

What Asian flu?

Oh, it's only what I

read in the papers.

You can't believe a thing

you read in the papers.

Asian flu indeed.

What a lot of rubbish.

Would you like to

do the rounds now?

What?

No. I can't be

bothered with all that

today. I don't feel well enough.

I think I've got Asian flu.

Poor, sir Bernard. He's

only got to read of

some complaint and he's

convinced he's got it.

I wonder if he's read

Gone with The Wind.

H... I...

Influenza. Asian.

Asian flu. Highly infectious virus

disease, often resulting in death.

Death.

Symptoms:

fever, dizziness, rapid pulse,

yellowing of the eyeballs.

Matron, any news yet, then?

Oh, Mr Tidey, are you still here?

Of course I'm still

here. I've been

here since 10:42 last

night, haven't I?

I should know. I'd just seen

the 10:17 off to Reading.

Did you indeed?

Stopping all stations

except Eton and Twyford.

Quite. And haven't you

had your baby yet?

Well, of course I haven't.

I wouldn't be still here, would I?

Here, what's gone wrong?

What's happening?

Perhaps we're running a

little late, Mr Tidey.

Well, I can't hang around here.

I've got work to do, you know.

Well, I'm just going

round the wards.

I'll find out what

the situation is.

Tell her I've been here all

night, and to get her finger out.

You wait here. I'll

case the joint.

Morning.

- Visiting?

- Well, I'm not producing.

I mean, are you expecting

a baby, or what?

Oh, definitely a baby.

I don't like what's.

- The waiting room is over there.

- Thank you, mate.

If it's a boy, I'll name

him Happy, after you.

Bye.

Blimey, she looked upset, doc.

I'm not surprised. I told

her she was pregnant.

What? Is she really?

No, but it certainly

cured her hiccups.

- Excuse me.

- Yes?

Are you expectant,

or have you had it?

No. But if you can

spare the time...

- Wait in there, please.

- Thank you.

- Did they just send for you?

- That's right.

It don't mean anything,

you know. The last

two weeks, they've sent

for me nine times.

All I've had is a cup

of tea and a biscuit.

It's not good enough. I'd

tell them to forget it.

- How can you forget it?

- Cancel the whole thing.

But we've done it, haven't we?

How can you cancel it?

Tell 'em you've changed your mind.

Oh... wey.

Has she had it, then?

I...

Could you get me The Guinness

Book Of Records, please?

- Good morning, Nurse Ball.

- Good morning, Matron.

Where's Sister?

In delivery, Matron. Mrs

Hodgkiss has gone in.

Oh, good. And what

about Mrs Tidey?

Afraid not.

She's back here again.

Another false alarm, Mrs Tidey?

I'm afraid so. I reckon

it was just wind again.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Well, now, you're three

weeks overdue and

your husband's getting

very impatient.

Him?

Well, he can talk. It took him

seven years to get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going

to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon, we must

think about inducing labour.

What? Just to please him?

Oh, it's only a bit

over nine months. He

should be thankful

I'm not an elephant.

Well, I'm sure we're all very

thankful for that, Mrs Tidey.

Now, stop being

silly, Mrs Pullitt.

Your baby's perfectly all right.

He's not. He's not.

- What's the matter, Nurse?

- It's nothing, Matron.

What do you mean? I tell you,

there's something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt. You

have a fine little boy.

Take a look at his

little thing, then.

His what? Oh...

Well, I can't see

anything wrong with it.

But it's all bent to one side.

Don't you worry, Mrs

Pullitt. We'll have

everything straightened

out before you leave.

How the hell can we

change our minds?

You can't undo what's

already been done, can you?

What's been done, then?

- She has.

- Has she?

She's over nine months gone.

Don't worry, mate.

She'll come back.

How can you come... back?

Oh...

Matron.

Well, what's happened?

I'm afraid it was another

false alarm, Mr Tidey.

- You may as well go back to work.

- Go back to work?

It was due three weeks ago.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr

Tidey, but babies

tend to arrive when

they feel like it.

There's nothing we

can do about it.

That's a fine state

of affairs, innit?

We'd soon be in a right old mess

if we ran the railways like that.

I was under the

impression that you did.

Ha-ha.

- Can I help you at all?

- Er...

No, thanks. I'm just

passing the time.

Are you awaiting a birth?

- Yes. That's it.

- Who are you?

- The father. I hope.

- What name is it?

- Name?

- What's your name?

Oh. My name?

I er...

That's funny.

I know I had one

when I came in here.

Hang on. Let me think.

- Mr Hodgkiss?

- That's it. Hodgkiss. That's me.

Well, congratulations,

Mr Hodgkiss.

Your wife's had twin boys.

Get away.

That's very nice.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, too.

Yes, well, I'll be

pushing off, then.

Don't you want to see

them, or your wife?

No, not just now. I've got the

girlfriend waiting outside.

That'll do, Sister.

- Get moving.

- What's all the fuss, Dad?

I've just become the

father of twins.

Congratulations.

Oh, shut up. Come

on, get. Hurry up.

Did you find out where

they keep the pills?

Nah, didn't have time.

But I reckon I know how to now.

Son, you're going to

go to work at last.

Dad, couldn't you possibly

manage without me?

You're getting on. You've got to

start work sometime, haven't you?

The fact is, I've had this

offer of a job. In insurance.

He wants to go straight

before he's been crooked.

- He doesn't mean it, do you?

- Of course he doesn't.

- Yes, I do.

- He does.

A good job your mother

can't hear you.

You promised on her deathbed you'd

go into business with your father.

I was six years old at the time.

Son, I'm depending on you.

You're the only bloke who could

do what I've got in mind.

If you really mean that,

Dad, I suppose...

That's my boy.

What do you want me to do?

Well, if I could get

somebody into this hospital

officially, they'd be

able to nose about a bit.

- You mean me.

- You've got it.

- Dad, it's a maternity hospital.

- No, no, no. Not as a patient.

Thank goodness.

As a nurse.

Well, your pulse beat's

all right, sir Bernard.

Strong?

Beautifully strong.

- And that's all right too.

- Normal?

Wonderfully normal.

Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.

I was right up. You ask

Miss Banks. Wasn't I, dear?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Well, I can assure

you, whatever else you

may have, it certainly

is not Asian flu.

Of course not.

I knew that. I could

have told you.

What do you mean, whatever

else I might have had?

Oh, well, you were

probably suffering from

some slight digestive

upset, or something.

How are your bowels?

My bowels?

They're perfectly all right.

Why bring them into it?

Well, as you well

know, sir Bernard,

irregularity can cause

slight fever symptoms.

I'm not irregular.

I'll have you know, I'm one of the

most regular fellows

in the business.

As long as you have no

pain, or discomfort...

Certainly not.

Now, if you'll kindly both stop

fussing and go, I have work to do.

Very well, sir Bernard.

Oh, there was one small

problem, sir Bernard.

What is it?

Mrs Tidey, in Bunn Ward, you know?

Yes. What about her?

She's three weeks over

her time and I was

wondering if we ought to

consider bringing it on.

Bring it on? Bring what on?

Why, the birth.

Bring it on, bring it

off. What do I care?

Really, sir Bernard.

Can't anyone else make a

decision around here?

Ask Dr Prodd. I've got far more

important things to worry about.

Very well, sir Bernard.

And if you'll take

my advice, you'll

lie down and have a good rest.

I don't need a good rest.

I'm perfectly all

right, do you hear?

B... Bowels.

Diseases of. Oh.

Diseases of the bowels.

All right. You can get

dressed again, Mrs Jenkins.

Upon my soul, if it

ain't Nurse Ball.

The fairest flower of them all.

A present for you, Doctor.

No, no. You cannot tempt

me with strong drink.

Funny. Those were my exact words

to you when I first came here.

Touche.

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Why don't you take your shoes and

socks off and have a nice paddle?

I'll get you in the

end, you little minx.

Well, Doctor?

Yes. I'm afraid you're

pregnant again, Mrs Jenkins.

- What?

- You're pregnant again.

Oh, no, not again. It's

too much. It really is.

I thought you were

stopping that nonsense.

What?

I thought you were

stopping having relations.

Oh, I've tried, Doctor.

But you know what it is?

My husband gets into bed

and says, "Are you going

to sleep, or what?"

And you say, "What?"

Well, that settles it this time.

Whether he likes it or not, I'm

going to use something

from now on.

You'd better, Mrs Jenkins.

What do you think's

the safest, Doctor?

For you, Mrs Jenkins,

a hearing aid.

- What?

- Oh, dear.

Come on, son. Hurry up. I want

to get you in there by six.

I'm nearly ready.

Women always take a

long time dressing.

Especially when they're men.

Well, this is the best I can do.

I fancy you, dear.

Cyril. You look...

- You look lovely.

- Come off it.

- Hello.

- Get off.

Leave her alone.

What do you think, Dad?

- Dad? What's the matter?

- Nothing.

It's just a bit of a

shock, that's all.

It's like seeing your

poor old mum again.

Well, I think he looks lovely.

He could have fooled me any time.

Well, that shouldn't

be too difficult.

I think we should get

a woman to do it.

No, no, son.

In this business, you

never want to trust a

woman to do anything

you can do yourself.

I reckon he'll pass.

What do you say, Fred?

I was thinking... Couldn't

he do with more here?

What for?

I agree with Freddy. I'd

like to see a bit more.

You would.

Don't you realise

that's the point? He

doesn't want to draw

attention to himself.

If you make 'em any bigger,

everybody's going

to start gawping.

I could stick some socks in.

Forget it. They're just

a couple of knockers.

Them, I mean.

Turn round.

This skirt's a bit

tight, isn't it?

I like seeing women in tight

skirts. Especially from behind.

Shut up.

What have you got under

here? Tin drawers?

What the hell have you got

your trousers on for?

What's the matter?

Nobody'll look up there.

How do you know? You're

a nurse, aren't you?

A patient might drop in

a dead faint at your

feet, come to, look up,

what's she going to see?

A lot more without these on.

Shut up laughing. Did

you get the knickers?

Yeah. Black lace ones.

I got some strange looks

from the shop assistants.

Go and get 'em. Go on.

Dad, nurses don't

wear black lace ones.

They don't wear rolled-up

trousers, either.

There they are.

They're ok. What's wrong with 'em?

There's no opening in the front.

Of course not. Women

don't have 'em.

I know.

Well, shut up arguing

and put 'em on.

All right, Dad.

Can't I go disguised

as a male orderly?

Are you raving mad? Have

you ever heard of a

male orderly wearing

black lace knickers?

Well, I certainly

can't see anything

wrong with your

stomach, sir Bernard.

Yes... well, I didn't really

expect you to, you know.

It was just one of

Matron's foolish fancies

and we have to humour

her, you know?

Yes. She's always had a very

soft spot for you, sir Bernard.

That's only to be expected.

She admires a man of character.

Well, I won't waste any

more of your time, Pearson.

I must say, your pelvic

cavity's very interesting.

Oh? In what way?

Well, it's rather large for

a man. More like a woman.

Ooh...

Yes, it is. It never

used to be like that.

Well, what does it... mean?

It's nothing to worry

about, sir Bernard.

On the contrary, as you

well know, it can be a

great asset when it

comes to child-bearing.

Yes... Well, if you'll excuse me,

Pearson, I have a lot to do.

A woman's work is

never done. I mean,

a man's work is

never fun. Goodbye.

It can't be.

Oh, it's impossible.

Sit down, will you?

- Name, please.

- Smethurst.

Oh, yes. I have some good

news for you, Mrs Smethurst.

Miss Smethurst.

Oh. In that case, I have some bad

news for you, Miss Smethurst.

Next, please.

Good morning, Doctor.

Get your clothes off. I'll

be with you in a minute.

I don't think that'll

be necessary, Doctor.

Sorry. I wasn't

expecting you, Matron.

Obviously.

I'd like to talk to you about

Mrs Tidey in Bunn Ward.

The one with the

bottomless stomach.

I think we ought to induce

labour this evening.

Oh, yeah? What does

the old rabbi say?

If by "the old rabbi" you

mean, sir Bernard Cutting,

he's quite prepared

to leave the final

decision to you, strange

as that may seem.

If you say this evening,

that's all right with me.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh. Incidentally...

I'm expecting some more

student nurses today.

Oh, really?

I would like to point

out that they are in

this hospital to further

their education.

Don't worry, Matron. I shall do

everything I possibly

can with them.

That's just what I wish to avoid.

Remember, I want you to

find out where they keep

the stuff and get me a

plan of the hospital.

But what if somebody stops me

and asks me what I'm doing?

That's the beauty of

this nurse's gear.

Nobody's going to give

you a second look.

It's the first look

I'm worried about.

You've no need to be,

honest. You look lovely.

Will you stop telling

him he looks lovely?

Well, he does.

We'll drop it all and put

him in for Miss World.

There's a load of nurses

arriving now. Look.

It's half past five.

They must be going on duty.

Go on. Now's your chance.

- Hey?

- Just tag along behind 'em.

Well, go on. Get a move on.

I can't move fast. These

damn knickers are too tight.

It's much safer that

way. Ask any girl.

Do you mind? Come on. Hurry up.

That's it, son. Remember, we're

depending on you. Good luck.

Yeah. I'm going to need it.

Ha-ha. That's my girl.

Report to the desk, girls.

Excuse me, miss.

- Are you with the others?

- Oh, er... Yes. That's right.

Over there.

Oh...

Thank you.

Name?

- Carter.

- Carter...

- First name?

- Er... Cyril.

- Cyril?

- Cyrille.

C-Y-R-I-L...

double L-E.

Cyrille...

A very unusual name.

It's a Cyrille...

It's a real name.

Would you like to sit over

there with the rest, please?

Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?

- No, I can't.

- You what?

My er... The elastic's gone.

Oh, dear.

I don't suppose you've

got a safety pin.

- Yes.

- Thank you.

Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Haven't you made a mistake?

- How do you mean?

- This is the Gents.

Yes. I know it is.

Oh, er...

Er... knickers.

I'm terribly sorry.

Please forgive me.

I don't mind in the least.

No need to worry. I

won't tell a soul.

About what?

Black lace ones? Very kinky.

Don't rush off, love.

I was only kidding, love.

Oh.

Dr Prodd, I've been

waiting for you.

Oh, there you are, Matron. I

was just looking for you.

That is the last place

you would have found me.

I see what you mean.

May I ask what that nurse

was doing in there?

Pinning up her knicker...

No. The poor kid just made a

mistake. Went in the wrong door.

And you just happened

to be in there?

Yeah...

No. No, no. I...

- I went in after her.

- That I can believe.

Mrs Kemp, I'm rather

busy at the moment.

Would you mind taking the nurses

to the home and allocate rooms?

Certainly, Matron. Girls, come

along. Follow me, please.

When you've finished, Dr

Prodd, perhaps we can

carry on with the

business of the hospital?

After you, Matron.

That's better.

Hello, Mrs Tidey, and how

are we this evening?

No complaints, thank you, Doctor.

Good.

- Except that er...

- Yes?

They were a bit stingy

with the potatoes tonight.

Yes, well, I'm not

so much concerned

with your input as your output.

Oh, there's no trouble there.

I go regular. You ask Sister.

I think the doctor's referring

to your baby, Mrs Tidey.

Why? Nothing wrong

with it, is there?

Oh, no. He just seems reluctant

to put in an appearance.

When you look how the

world is today, there's

nothing worth coming

out for, is there?

I mean, the world's

in a shocking state.

You take the Common Market.

I think we'll give him a

bit of a nudge, shall we?

You're not going to stick that

in the poor little beggar?

No. Only into you, Mrs Tidey.

No. No. You're not puncturing me.

It's for your own good.

You've gone on far too long.

I don't care.

I'm having my kid

naturally, if I have

to lie here for the

rest of my life.

Sister.

Don't be silly. This

won't harm you,

or the baby, I can promise you.

I'm not having it, I tell you.

Now, please, hold still... Aargh.

I'm so sorry.

Mrs Tidey...

If you kick me again, I warn you,

I'll put you on a strict diet.

That's better. Now, then.

Ow.

- I haven't touched you.

- Oh...

What's the matter?

It's starting. Oh...

Are you sure it isn't

indigestion again?

It can't be. I've hardly had

a thing to eat all day.

All right, Sister. Take

her down to Delivery.

Yes, Matron.

Ooh, but let me finish...

finish my dinner first.

Oooh.

Ooh...

All right, Doctor. You may go.

Hey? Oh... What am I

going to do with this?

I'm sure you don't require any

suggestions from me, Doctor.

Put a call through for Mr Tidey.

His wife's started labour.

Again? Let's hope she

finishes this time.

- Is this, sir Bernard's mail?

- Yes, Matron. Last delivery.

I'll take it to him. I

want to see how he is.

First signs of physical change...

Who is?

- Who is it?

- It's Matron, sir Bernard.

Just a moment, Matron.

I won't be a minute.

Yes... Come in now, Matron.

I'm sorry, sir Bernard. I

didn't know you were changing.

Changing?

What are you talking

about? I'm not changing.

That's a lie, do you

hear? It's a lie.

Your clothes, sir Bernard.

Oh... my clothes. I'm sorry. I

thought you were

inferring that I...

Well, don't keep staring at

me as if I were a freak.

Oh, you misunderstand

me, sir Bernard.

Oh, no, I don't. I know

what you are thinking and

let me tell you, I'm a

man, like any other man.

Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.

What?

You have something

very few men have.

What do you mean?

Greatness.

Oh, well... there's no

denying that, naturally.

If I may say so, sir Bernard, I

think you've been overdoing it.

Overdoing it? What do you

mean? Overdoing what?

Work. It's time you had

a holiday, I think.

I don't want a holiday. And will

you kindly stop fussing over me?

I'm only thinking of you.

Well, stop thinking

of me and go away.

Very well, sir Bernard.

Oh...

I nearly forgot. Your mail.

Yes, I am. And I can prove it.

Do you hear? Prove it.

Ye-argh.

Has it happened?

- Not yet, I don't think.

- Oh, thank heavens.

I'm in time.

Ooh, my hooter...

Oh, no. I can't stay here.

Madge, can you come up and

help me with my hair?

- But I'm undressed.

- So what? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, all right.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello, Dad.

Cyril, what's up?

I've got into a spot of bother.

What, already? What's

happened? Where are you?

- I'm in this nurse's bedroom.

- Nurse's bedroom?

You're supposed to be finding the

stuff. And don't

tell me it's there.

No, Dad. They seemed

to think I was a new

student nurse, so they

put me in this room.

Oh, my God. I told you

not to do anything

that would draw attention to you.

But I couldn't help it.

I had to go to the Gents

to pin up my knickers.

You went to the Gents to

pin up your knickers?

Look, I haven't got

time to explain

now, but I can't stay here.

Why not?

Another nurse lives in this room.

So? She's not onto you, is she?

No. But she will be when I

get undressed to go to bed.

I know, get undressed

under your nightie.

Your mum did that

before we got married.

Dad, I haven't got a nightie.

All right, son. All right,

all right. Don't panic.

Don't go to bed. That's it.

Try and find out something this

evening, and I'll be along later.

Listen...

Hello? Is someone in there?

Dad, I'll have to go now.

There's someone at the door.

Right. I'll be in the

fathers' waiting room.

Now, you try and get a

plan of the hospital.

Hey, you. Let me in.

Oh. Oh, hello.

I'm your room-mate, Susan Ball.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no. You're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I didn't

mean to be personal.

Oh. Oh, that's all right.

You just keep saying

things like that and

you and I are going to

get along just fine.

What do I call you?

Er, Cyrille.

Right, Cyrille. Let's see if we

can't make you feel at home.

Loo and bathroom in there.

And that's your bed there.

Oh, thanks.

Where's your baggage?

I haven't got any. I lost

it at the railway station.

I can let you have

anything you need.

Oh, no. I'm all right, thanks.

You'll find you won't

need a nightie in here.

This place is so well heated,

you can sleep in the raw.

I always do.

Oh, no. I shan't be staying here.

Oh, come here.

Don't talk like that.

You know, once you settle down,

you'll find you'll like it here.

It's a good hospital.

And there's still quite

a few young doctors who

are still prepared to

take no for an answer.

All except for old Prodd, that is.

Oh, dear. You want to

watch out for him.

Do you know,

he collects nurses like some

men collect big game trophies.

Around here, we call

him the taxidermist.

You're not going to

bed now, are you?

Oh, good heavens, no.

I'm going to grab

me a quick shower cos

I've got a date.

Oh, these rotten catches.

Cyrille, would you mind

undoing it for me?

Oooh...

Dr Goode...

- Dr Goode.

- Argh.

Oh, hello. Do forgive me, sir

Bernard. I was miles away.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Well, perhaps I

should come back some other time.

No. I'm back now.

And what can I do for

you, sir Bernard?

Well, I've got a bit of a problem.

Oh, haven't we all?

Would you care to?

I can't do it lying down.

Oh, dear me. You

do have a problem.

No, I mean I prefer to sit

down, if you don't mind.

Don't mind? If it turns

you on, who cares?

Look here, Dr Goode,

you must understand,

this interview must be

purely off the record.

I can assure you that

anything you say to me

will go into one ear

and out of the other.

That doesn't surprise me.

As a matter of fact,

I was talking to my

wife only the other day.

"Hamlet," I said...

Oh, I call her Hamlet

because she thinks

she's a Great Dane.

Isn't it silly?

Dr Goode, I'm not

interested in your wife.

Well, that's a funny

thing. Neither

am I. Shall we forget her?

With pleasure.

Good. Now, what was it I

wanted to talk to you about?

It's the other way round.

Is it? What is?

Our conversation, I mean. I

came here to consult you.

Oh. Well, that puts a different

light on the whole matter.

Do consult.

Thank you.

I was wondering if you personally

had ever thought about

the possibilities

of having a... sex change.

Well, as a matter of

fact, I'm quite happy as

I am. But thank you

very much, sir Bernard.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean, generally speaking.

Have you ever known of a case

of a man turning into a woman?

No. But I've heard of one who

turned into a one-way street.

Oh... Doctor, please. Be serious.

You see, I have this

patient who genuinely

thinks that he is

turning into a woman.

Dear me.

Are there any physical changes?

I don't think so. I haven't

looked for two hours.

I mean, at him. Haven't

looked at him.

I think it's a purely

mental obsession.

Has he had any experience

of the opposite sex?

Oh, no. No, he hasn't had time.

I mean, he hasn't

had... His career.

He's been far too

busy with his career.

Ah. Then I think I understand.

Your patient is suffering

from a pent-up

desire to prove to himself

that he is a man.

You think so?

Yes. Yes...

You may be right.

I'm sure I am.

And I would recommend

that he finds a

suitable partner as

quickly as possible.

And by suitable, you mean willing.

And able.

Yes. Oh, I feel

better already. For

him. I feel better

for him, I mean.

Thank you, Dr Goode.

You've been most helpful.

Oh, I can't tell you...

Oh, yes. I'll get onto

it... right away.

Ah. Matron, any news?

I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

What's she doing?

Well, at this moment, consuming

a large plate of fish cakes.

Fish cakes?

Ever since she got pregnant, she's

had this craving for fish cakes.

Even in the middle

of the ruddy night.

Do you know, she must have

polished off thousands of 'em.

I'll tell you one thing,

if ever this child gets

born, it's going to be

smothered in breadcrumbs.

Ah, Dr Prodd.

You're in Emergency tonight.

Afraid so.

We're standing by for

a possible premature.

Oh, no...

You won't mind when you

find out who she is.

I shall be up in my room

if I'm required, Arthur.

What did she mean by

that? Who's coming in?

Jane Darling, the film star.

Really?

Hello. It's my pin, up girl.

Dad?

Oh. Er... Good evening.

- Excuse me.

- That's all right.

- Lost again?

- Yes, that's right. Excuse me.

You know, love, what you want

is a plan of this place.

How did you know?

Think of a better way of getting

to know your way around?

I see what you mean.

If you'll excuse me...

I've got a plan up in my room.

- Have you really?

- All the doctors have one.

I'd like to see yours.

Likewise.

- In your room, you say?

- Room 15 on the fifth floor.

If you'd like to come up in ten

minutes, I'll show it to you.

If I come, will you

promise to behave?

Naturally.

All right, then. I'll be there.

And when I behave naturally,

I never get any complaints.

Yes. Who is it?

It's me. Frankie.

Come in.

It is all right for

tonight, isn't it?

Yes. But I'm so

frightened somebody's

going to see you

coming here one night.

Oh, get away with you.

It's only once a week.

Yes, but you know how gossip

goes round the hospital.

After all, you are a

married man, Francis.

Yes, I know. But as I've told

you, my wife doesn't like it.

I can't think why not.

No. She thinks it's

a waste of time.

Do you know, she won't

even look at it.

- Oh, what a shame.

- Yes.

And a man needs a little

relaxation when he comes home.

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm so thrilled

you like it as much as I do.

As long as we're careful.

Care for a little drinkie first?

Oh, lovely.

It should be a good one tonight.

Yes.

If it's anything like last week...

That was wonderful

Cheers.

Good health.

Mm...

Are you ready?

Ra-ther.

Ooh...

I can't think why your

wife doesn't like it.

It's the best programme

on television.

Oh, I know. But you

know, she'd rather

curl up on a hearth

rug with a good bone.

- It's coming on.

- Oh, good.

Now it's time for this week's

exciting episode of...

The Surgeons.

The Surgeons, the everyday

drama of a great hospital.

Last week, we left Nurse Spencer

unconscious on the

operating table,

while Dr Carpenter, her lover,

prepared to fight for her life,

still unaware that his

estranged wife Rachel

had secretly

substituted a cylinder

of deadly carbon dioxide gas...

in place of her

life-giving oxygen.

Yes? What do you want?

You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.

I was here this morning.

Oh, yes. I thought

you'd had your baby.

No. I'm leaving

that to the missus.

Well, you know where to go.

Thank you.

- Evening.

- Evening.

You haven't had it yet, then?

No. I reckon it'll be

here tonight, though.

You'll be lucky. I've been here

every night for the last ten days.

They sent for me.

It don't mean a thing.

That's the way they work.

When in doubt, send

for the ruddy father.

Yes... Well, that'll

teach you to turn over

and go back to sleep

next time, won't it?

That's not funny.

My woman's waited seven

years for a baby.

She needn't have done that.

No?

No. I had that trouble

when I kept chickens.

Chickens?

I used to get plenty of

eggs, but no baby chicks.

Oh, no.

Till somebody told me what to do.

- What was that?

- Change the cock.

Oh, that's very

funny, I don't think.

- Mr Grant?

- Yes?

Congratulations.

You've got a fine boy.

Oi... What about me, then?

I was here before him.

Better luck next time.

Oh, get shunted.

Come in, love. Come in.

Gosh. No wonder they call

you the taxidermist.

Do they? Well, it just shows you,

there's nothing like advertising.

- Sit down. Make yourself at home.

- No, I can't stay.

Nonsense. Of course you can.

Just so we're not disturbed.

Now, then...

- What about a little drink?

- Oh, no, no. I never touch it.

- Oh. Cigarette, then?

- No. I never touch them.

Well, that leaves only

one thing to offer you.

I never touch that, either.

You haven't come

here to play games.

You're right. I came

to see your plan.

- Who cares about the damn plan?

- Ah, ah. Plan first.

I've been planning all ruddy

evening. It's time for action.

I shall scream. I shall

scream. Matron. Matron.

Ok. Ok.

There you are.

But you know damn well you didn't

come up here just for that.

Oh, yes. This is

just what I wanted.

- And this is just what I wanted.

- Get off.

Now, then. Where do

they keep the pills?

The pill. There's a big

store of them here.

Oh. I get you now.

Down in the basement here, but

I can't get you any now, love.

They're locked up.

Oh, I don't want it for myself.

- Oh, good.

- Get off.

Is this the only way

down to the basement?

That's enough of the damn plan,

love. We're wasting time.

- I haven't finished.

- What are you doing?

Give that back.

You promised you'd give it to me.

I will, too. But not that.

It's not mine. Come on.

Come and get it.

- Oh, you want to play games?

- No. I didn't mean that. Get off.

No, I didn't mean that. Get off.

Get away.

Take your hands off.

Take your hands...

Argh.

What's this then?

Rolled-up socks?

Why, you little cheat...

- What else you got down there?

- Get off.

That's enough. I don't want to

have to use any rough stuff.

I wouldn't if I were you. I

was boxing champ at Guy's.

Let me go. Please. You'll

be sorry. Let me go.

Try and make me, love.

- Who's that?

- Me.

God, what a woman.

Hey. Hey, love. Phwoar.

Come back, love.

They'll be there

within half an hour.

Hey, doc. You're wanted.

- Blast. What is it?

- The premature film star.

Her old man's been

on. It's started.

- Damn. Is the ambulance here?

- Outside. There's the address.

Right.

- Did you get it?

- Yeah. There it is.

What's this?

Sorry, Dad. It's one

of my bristols.

That's it. Let's go.

We can't go on an emergency

without a nurse.

I'm sorry, Doctor, I am

only the attendant...

Hang on a minute. Hang on.

Ah. You'll do nicely. Come on.

Let me go.

I'm sorry, love. We've

got a little job.

Leave me alone, will you?

That driver touched my bottom.

Something tells me Cyril's

taking this too seriously.

Nurse, forceps...

scalpel...

swabs...

Ah...

More oxygen...

Sister, quick. More swabs.

Who's that?

Just as it was getting

exciting too.

Oh...

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, Matron, sir Bernard.

I'd like to come in.

Sir Bernard...

Just a moment, sir Bernard.

He can't find you in my room.

- I'll hide.

- Quick. This way. In here.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir Bernard.

I was just in the

middle of undressing.

Oh, don't let me stop you, Matron.

- I beg your pardon?

- I'm very broad-minded.

I might not even

look the other way.

Sir Bernard, do you think it's

wise coming to my room at night?

- People might misunderstand.

- I don't think so.

They'll merely think we're having

a bit of the old slap and tickle.

- Really, sir Bernard.

- Well, why not?

It's natural. You're a

man and I'm a woman.

Sir Bernard,

are you sure you're

feeling quite yourself?

On the contrary, I've never felt

more like it. Myself, I mean.

Don't you think you ought

to go and lie down?

Now you're getting the idea.

No, no, no. I mean, in your room.

Oh, why? It's much

more comfortable here.

Come on. Let's sit down.

What on earth was that?

Oh, it's just a spring.

Oh. I thought it sounded

like breaking glass.

That would never do, would it?

Remember what happened

to the skipper?

I'm sure you're not feeling

well. Do you feel hot?

Very.

I shall go and get my thermometer.

- Oh, that's not what I want.

- What is it, then?

Matron, a man and a woman are here

to fulfil one basic function.

You know what that is, don't you?

Well, I should do, after 15

years in a maternity hospital.

That's what's wrong with me. I

need to prove myself as a man.

Well, the proof of the

pudding is in the eating.

Exactly.

Will you lay the table, or

shall I? Get your cruet out.

- You can't be suggesting...

- Why not?

You know there's a mutual

attraction between us.

You must have felt it, working

together all these years.

Side by side, brushing

against each other.

Oh...

So you've felt it too?

That exciting tingling...

I've only got to think of

you and I have a tingle.

Oh, how wonderful.

But I never thought that

you wanted me, too.

- Desperately.

- Oh.

I don't know what to

say. It's all so sudden.

Oh, my dear, I don't expect you

to make up your mind immediately.

Take your time. Think it over

for a couple of minutes.

Oh.

You're all of a tingle,

aren't you? Tingle, tingle...

Er...

Hello, Tingle here... Matron here.

Oh. Yes, Arthur.

I see. Has the ambulance left?

Well, if you could get in touch...

That was Arthur.

There's an emergency

coming in in half an hour.

Oh, damn it.

Then the time for

thinking is past.

Give me your answer. Will you?

- I don't know what to say.

- Yes, or no?

Oh, yes. And no.

What? What does that

mean, "yes and no"?

Yes, if you're asking me

to marry you. No, if not.

Well, I don't have to get

married to prove myself.

You do to prove yourself with me.

How do we know we're physically

suited to each other?

It's like do-it-yourself

with a wallpaper.

Wallpaper?

You don't just buy enough

for the whole room.

You tear yourself

off a little strip

and try it first.

That may be so, but

you're not going

to stick me up against the wall.

Step on it, Doctor.

She's pretty near.

Don't worry. She's in good hands.

Even got a nurse.

Good luck, darling. I'll be along

as soon as I can park the au pair.

She won't stay in the house

alone at night, you see?

Right. Let's go.

Bye.

Ok, darling?

Ok, darling.

- Is it bad, Miss Darling?

- Oh, yes.

I can give you a jab to kill

it for a bit, if you like.

- Yes, please, Doctor.

- Right.

Nurse, in that case there,

you'll find a hypo.

- A what?

- A hypodermic.

Oh.

This thing?

Yes. Fill it from the

bottle labelled pethidine.

Take it easy. It won't be

long now, Miss Darling.

- Hurry up, Nurse.

- I'm coming.

Oh. You idiot.

You've given me the lot.

Quickly. Do something.

Yes, miss. Right away, miss.

Not to him. Me.

It's coming.

Oh, no.

No, I do not believe in

free love. And what's more,

I think it's very insulting

of you to ask me.

You don't believe in

paying for it, do you?

I don't want to hear any more,

and I think you'd better go before

you say something you may regret.

I know what it is.

There's someone else, isn't there?

You've got a lover already.

- Haven't you?

- Certainly not.

It's just that I'm a

simple woman with

simple tastes and I

want to be wooed.

Ooh, you can be as wooed

as you like with me.

Oh, no.

You don't understand. I

want to be made a fuss of.

I want to be given

chocolates and flowers.

Oh, well, here you are.

I'll buy you a packet

of Fruit & Nut

tomorrow. Now, come on.

Stop messing about.

I didn't think it was possible

that someone could go

down to the depths

that you've gone in

this pernicious manner.

I'm only flesh and blood.

I'm tingling like a beast,

aflame with passion.

Burning with desire.

I'm bur... Here, I told you

I was hot stuff, didn't I?

Oh. The wardrobe's on fire.

All right, all right, don't

panic. I'll see to it.

Stand well back,

Matron. Now, then,

don't panic. It'll be all right.

Now, then. Here we go, you see?

Don't worry, I'll

soon have it out.

You Jezebel.

Bernard, I can explain.

- Now, look...

- Listen, they just phoned.

Here's the message, "Jane Darling

has gone to Finisham Hospital."

I can't help that. I tell

you, she's not here yet.

It's true. We were just

watching television.

In the wardrobe? The

indignity of it.

I'll never be able to

hold up my head again.

Sir Bernard, Matron, come quick.

Hey, come on, Dick.

Prodd. Good gracious.

What happened to him?

Don't ask me, sir. We just found

him like that when we opened up.

- He's drunk.

- That's not all, sir.

Take a look inside.

Triplets.

Nurse, did you?

She did. And she was

absolutely wonderful.

Three little darlings.

Three Darlings...

Right. This is the

storeroom where they keep

all the stuff, down

in the basement here.

Oh, yeah? Where do they

have all the babies, then?

Up in the ward, stupid.

Where do you think?

Well, it doesn't always follow.

My mum had me on top of a bus.

I'm glad he told us that.

It makes the job easier.

Number 73. Bang in the middle

of Brixton high street.

All right, all right. So

you're a born traveller.

Now, will you shut up for

a minute and listen?

Now, as far as I can

see, the only way

we can get into the basement here

is through the front

door of the hospital.

- That can't be right.

- Why not?

No.73 doesn't go to Brixton.

Oh, cor blimey...

- It does.

- It does not.

It goes from Marble Arch out

to Putney and Wimbledon.

It can't do, else how

was I born in Brixton?

Oh, shut up.

I ought to know where I was born.

I don't care where you were born.

It's bad enough it happened.

We've got more important

things to talk about.

Now, then, as far

as I can see, we...

You're both wrong. The

73 goes to Holloway.

It does not.

I ought to know. I used

to catch it on the way

to visit the old woman

when she was in the nick.

- You're thinking of the 116.

- I am not thinking of the 116.

It goes down to Balls

Pond Road, and

then turns left into Islington.

What are you on about?

After Putney it goes to Wimbledon.

What a load of rubbish. It goes...

The fuzz.

Wait a minute. Wait.

What are we doing? We're not

wanted for anything yet.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.

- See who it is.

Papers.

It's only the papers.

All right, then.

Here, there's a picture of

Cyril on the front page.

Let me see.

Oh, no.

There's one in this one, too.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah. It's a good

likeness, innit?

Yeah. Great.

Something happened to the

doctor in the ambulance.

Blimey, Cyril

delivered the babies.

It just shows you what a good

education can do for

you, doesn't it?

- Fancy, old Cyril an heroine.

- Do you think he'll get a medal?

He'll get a kick up the backside.

Well, I only asked.

What's he done?

What's he done?

He's just about ruined the

whole thing, that's what.

"Take it easy," I said. "Don't do

anything that'll draw

attention to you."

He couldn't have drawn more bloody

attention if he'd had

the kids himself.

I've got to get down there.

Well, Mrs Tidey. Another

false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think? All that

talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.

Still, it's nice to be

back. I don't like that

delivery room. It's

not very comfortable.

It isn't meant for

comfort, Mrs Tidey.

Well, it looks as if we'll have to

try something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't

mind some sausages and tomatoes.

Yeah...

Cor...

What is it? Quick, tell

me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

So far.

What? Hasn't she?

Hasn't she had the?

No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey. You

may as well go back

to your trains.

What, again? I can't do that.

What'll my mates say? I

shall be a laughing stock.

Well, in your job, you

should be used to that.

I've got to be back at

work on Monday, you know.

We're starting

another strike then.

Really? Well, if it hasn't arrived

by then, I think I might join you.

Now, look here.

I'm not budging from here until

she's had it and that's it.

Well, please yourself,

Mr Tidey, but

there's nothing more

we can do about it.

Dynamite, that's what she needs.

Give her dynamite.

- Morning, Arthur.

- Morning, sir Bernard.

- Sir Bernard.

- Yes, what is it, Matron?

I'd like to apologise for

what happened in my room.

Matron, if you're

worried that I might be

considering disciplinary

action, you needn't be.

We're all mature, adult people,

and whatever goes

on between you and

Dr Goode is no concern of mine,

however disgusting it may be.

Nothing goes on. We're

just good friends.

Good fr... I know all about good

friends. I had one at school.

She was the groundsman's daughter,

but never got off the ground.

That is a very

uncalled-for remark, sir

Bernard, and I shall

expect an apology.

It isn't all you're expecting,

I shouldn't wonder.

Very well, sir Bernard.

But don't come to

me again when you want

to prove yourself.

I am a woman, not a

do-it-yourself kit.

Good morning, Doctor.

Have a bad night?

No, thanks. I've just had one.

Just exactly what did you do

to my room-mate last night?

- Your room-mate?

- Yes. Nurse Carter.

What did I do to her?

Yes. Well, she hasn't

been back to the

room all night. She's

just disappeared.

That's the best news

I've heard today.

I hope she's all right.

I'm supposed to be

looking after her.

Believe me, Nurse Ball. That

girl can look after herself.

Have you done Mrs

Brown's specimen?

- What?

- Mrs Brown's specimen.

Eurgh. It's done. Take it away.

Send in the first patient, please.

Morning, Doctor.

Oh. Mrs Tucker, isn't it?

Do sit down, Mrs Tucker.

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, what's your problem?

Well, I came to see you three

months ago, if you remember,

because I was going to get married

and I was worried about my husband

being able to have a baby.

Yes, that's right. He was

a bit older than you.

88.

Yes. And?

Well, if you remember,

you suggested it might

be a good idea if I were

to take in a lodger.

You know, someone a

little nearer my own age.

Yes. But purely off the

record, of course.

Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.

- Really? What about your husband?

- Oh, he's tickled pink.

Oh. That's all right, then.

What about the lodger?

Well, that's the trouble.

She's pregnant, too.

Nurse Carter, I've been worried

about you. Where have you been?

Fast asleep in the

sluice room, Matron.

I couldn't stand the fuss last

night. I had to get away.

But you acted splendidly, my dear.

We're all very proud of you.

Matron, I don't think

I'm cut out to

be a nurse. I want to pack it in.

Nonsense. You're just tired.

You take the day off.

Have a nice rest, and tomorrow

you'll feel differently about it.

- Oh, no, I won't.

- Take it from me.

I've had hundreds of capable

nurses through my hands

and you have that extra little

something the others haven't got.

How did you know?

Excuse me, but the

dispensary's out of Penbritin.

I shall go to my room, get the

key and meet you in the store.

Nurse Ball, take

Nurse Carter to your

room and put her to

bed immediately.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes. Do as I say.

Come along, Matron's pet.

Let's go to bye-byes.

I think I can manage

from here, thank you.

I may as well see you into bed.

No. I'd rather be alone,

if you don't mind.

- Please yourself.

- Thank you.

I don't believe it.

I just couldn't go without

making sure you were ok.

Perfectly, thank you.

You fell right on your chest. I

hope you didn't do it any damage.

Oh, no. It's fine, rea...

Oh, good. Well, now

I'm here, I might

as well help you get undressed.

- I can manage by myself, thanks.

- Don't be silly.

Honestly, I don't need help.

Good heavens. What are

you worried about?

As a nurse, I've had to

undress plenty of men.

I dare say, but that's beside

the point. Some people...

You said "men".

You know, then? But how?

When you tripped on the

stairs just now, I

saw something that

left no doubt at all.

Oh, well, that's it,

then, isn't it?

I've met some pretty

kinky nurses in my time,

but never one who

wore striped shorts.

Oh. I pinched those last night

when I split the black lace ones.

Black lace... I'd love

to have seen that.

I don't have to bother with

this damn thing any more.

Oh, that's much better.

You know, you're

really quite dishy.

I bet you say that to all

the female impersonators.

Would you mind telling

me, why the hell

did you do it? For a

bet, or something?

- No, nothing like that.

- Oh, I see.

You just felt the urge to become

a nurse and deliver a few kids?

No. I didn't know

that would happen.

Well, why then? We

are room-mates, and

room-mates ought not

to have secrets.

You won't like it if I tell you.

- Well, I'm not forcing you to.

- Oh, no. Please, don't go.

I'd like you to know.

You see, it all started...

How do you do? I

wonder if you could

tell me where I could

find Nurse Carter.

Are you from the press?

Oh, no. I'm his father.

Er... she's my son.

My... my daughter.

I've got so many kids,

it gets confusing.

Well, Mr Carter,

she's resting at the

moment. She had a very hard night.

Yes, I know. But I'm

sure she'd like

to see me. Just for a few minutes.

Well, since you're her father.

She's at No.16, the nurses' home.

That's outside and turn right.

Thank you.

Mrs Kemp, what was Mr

Hodgkiss doing here?

Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?

Yes. The man who just went out.

Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss,

Matron. That was Mr Carter.

Nurse Carter's father.

I could have sworn that...

What did he want?

To see his daughter, I think.

I sent him to the nurses' home.

Did you?

There's something

funny going on here.

I told you you wouldn't like it.

You, a crook? I don't believe it.

I'm not a proper one.

It's my first go at it,

actually. I only did

it to please my dad.

To pinch pills? But

that's ridiculous.

Yeah. I agree. It's stupid.

You'll have to tell

them, I suppose.

Well, yes. I suppose I should.

But... I don't know, I just

don't think they'd believe it.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

- You mean you're not going to?

- Not going to what?

Tell them about me and

what I'm doing here.

What about you? What

are you doing here?

You're lovely. Do you know that?

Ah... you're not so bad yourself.

What was that for?

For being kind enough

not to undo my

bra when I asked you to yesterday.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Here, stop it.

Excuse me.

Cor blimey.

- Dad.

- Cyril.

This is my room-mate Susan.

- Oh, hello.

- How do you do?

Is that who you were worried

about sharing with?

- Yeah. That's right.

- I sent you to the wrong school.

Will you excuse me?

I've got to get back.

What do you think you're doing?

Kissing nurses. And

without your wig on.

You might have given

yourself away.

She knows all about it.

I know. They all do these day...

You mean, she knows about us?

Yeah. But she won't tell anyone.

That's it. We've got

to do it tonight.

You're still going

through with it?

Of course I am.

Don't expect any help from me.

Now, son. Son, don't let me down.

We need you to get us in.

- No, I'm sorry, Dad...

- You promised your mum.

Now, look, Dad.

Gertie... if you're

listening to your son now,

plug up your ear holes.

It's too late. Do you

hear that noise?

She's turning in her grave.

All right. All right,

Dad, I'll do it.

Good boy.

Just tell me what

you want me to do.

Stop doing that, for a start.

We'll be here at 11

o'clock sharp. Got that?

Yes.

We don't want any more slip-ups,

so please try and be careful.

How did that nurse get on to you?

She saw these pants when

I tripped on the stairs.

We can't risk that. You'll

have to take 'em off.

What?

- Take your pants off.

- Oh, no.

Get 'em off.

What's going on in there?

Open this door at once.

- That's Matron.

- I'd better get out.

- That's the loo.

- Nurse Carter, are you all right?

- Yes.

- Open this door at once.

I know there's a man in there.

Let her in.

Oh. Oh, you poor child.

Where is he? Where

is the filthy beast?

Oh.

Come back, you monster.

Come back.

Ooh.

- It's all right. Don't scream.

- What do you want?

Well, that's very nice of you,

but I haven't got the time.

Oh...

All right, Nurse. Don't worry.

Oh...

Come back.

Come back. I want you.

My God. She's a sex maniac.

Go.

Good heavens, that's

what's wrong with me.

I love her.

Miss Banks, I want to see

Dr Goode immediately.

Dr Goode, Psychiatry.

Can I help you?

Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?

Come in.

Ah, Goode, my dear chap.

Come in and close the

door, will you, old boy?

You wanted to see

me about something.

Yes. And don't pretend you don't

know what it is, you filthy beast.

What?

Don't try and deny it.

I know what's been

going on between you and

Matron, in her room,

every night, bouncing

about together

like a pair of Ping-Pong balls.

I beg your pardon. We've never had

so much as an ounce of a bounce.

Don't expect me to

believe all that

claptrap about

watching television.

The set wasn't even turned on.

Oh, no. We had it off

before you came in.

Aha. So you admit it, then?

Certainly not.

I've never felt about

Matron in that way.

But now you come to mention it...

Aha. I'll get the truth, if I have

to beat it out of you, you swine.

Oh, no. No.

Sir Bernard...

Sir Bernard, no. No.

Help. Help.

Oh.

I think, sir Bernard's

upset about something.

I'll kill him, do you

hear? I'll kill him.

Please. You mustn't.

Get out of my way, Miss Banks.

I can't let you. Think

of the scandal.

- Get out of my way.

- Argh.

Now, for the last time,

will you admit it?

I've never even touched

her, I swear it.

Liar and lecher.

Admit it. Admit it.

I'm telling the truth. I

swear it. Newt's honour.

You're a Newt?

Yes. I've been Master of the Grand

Order of Newts for five years.

Really?

Of course. And I was a Tadpole

for three years before that.

But this is splendid.

What pond do you belong to?

Wapping and Old Stairs.

- Really?

- Yes.

I am a Grand Salamander

Newt of the Watford pond.

You're not.

- Glub glub.

- Glub glub.

We swear

to uphold the noble code of

the Grand Order of Newts...

Now, come on, Mrs Tidey.

Let's get to sleep.

But I'm still hungry.

It's not good to go to

sleep on an empty stomach.

Well, I'd hardly call

yours empty, Mrs Tidey.

She's had two of

everything for supper,

Matron. And two mugs of cocoa.

Well, we can't let her go to

sleep hungry, can we, Sister?

What about a nice big

glass of... castor oil?

Good night.

I'm going up to my

room now, Arthur.

It should be a quiet night.

Nothing on the books.

I hope so, after last night.

Who is it?

It's me, Susan.

Here you are. I think

they're dry enough.

Thanks a lot.

Next time, be more choosy about

which nurse you have a bath with.

They smell something awful.

I didn't notice what

she smelt like.

No. You were too busy looking.

Oh, go on. Go and get changed.

Here, do you know something? I

don't know what your name is.

What is it really?

Cyril.

Oh, dear. Well, I suppose

I'll get used to it.

Does that mean you want

to see me again, then?

Well, that all depends

on you, doesn't it?

You know I want to see you.

That's all very well, but I don't

fancy being a gangster's moll.

I've told you. Honestly. I'm

going to pack it all in.

All right, Nurse. It's a deal.

How's the time?

Two minutes to.

Drive in slowly, and park.

Dad, wait a minute. Listen. Dad.

Dad.

- Everything ok?

- No.

Prodd's hanging around

the entrance hall.

Is that the one who

tried to get matey?

Yes. That's what

I'm worried about.

- Get him out here.

- Me? How?

You're a woman, aren't

you? Flash 'em.

Dad...

You seem a bit down tonight, doc.

You'd be down, too,

if you'd had 50ccs

of pethidine up your archipelago.

Hey, talking about that,

- here comes our little heroine.

- Oh, no.

Oh, Dr Prodd,

I wanted to apologise for

what I did last night.

It's all right. It only

hurts when I sit down.

You've been so sweet about it, I

feel I owe you

something in return.

Well, if you put it like that...

What had you in mind?

I was wondering whether

you'd like to see...

me back to the nurses' home.

Yes, I think I could

just about manage it.

Standing up.

I don't know what it

is about a maternity

hospital, but they're all at it.

- Just a minute.

- What's the matter?

- I've got something for you.

- What is it?

A little surprise.

Close your eyes.

Let me have it.

All right. That's it. Get Ernie.

All right, Ernie, this

is it. Out you get.

- Well, come on. Jump.

- I can't jump in my condition.

- Bag.

- And you.

Get the bag.

- Nurse.

- Get the bag.

Pregnant and I've got to carry

my own bag. Cop hold of that.

Watch it. Just watch it.

Hold it. Careful. Careful.

It won't be long now.

- You show the way?

- Straight to the lift, Dad...

- Doctor.

- Thank you.

- Hey, what is all this?

- I er... It is all right.

I am Doctor... Zhivago.

I have here an emergency.

Oh. Are they expecting

you, Doctor?

Expecting?

What do you think this is? Wind?

Don't you worry. The nurse

knows all about it.

Oh, well, you're in

good hands with her.

Jawohl. A proper little

Florence the Nightingale.

Doctor Zhivago?

What did I tell you? It

worked like a charm.

- Cor...

- What's the matter?

It shows you, the

power of suggestion.

What are you talking about?

I could have sworn

I felt it kicking.

You'll feel something

kicking if you don't

belt up. Come on,

Freddy. Through here.

- We'll never pick that lock.

- Can't we blow it?

That's right. Wake up the whole

hospital. No. Only if we have to.

- Know where they keep the keys?

- Matron's got a set.

- Where will I find her?

- In her room on the fifth floor.

- You stay here with him.

- Wait a minute.

What if it happens

while you're gone?

What happens?

Well, I mean, I...

I'm sorry. I keep thinking I'm

really going to have one.

I'll give you one in a minute.

Here.

You twerp.

- Oh.

- Oh. Scusi, madam, scusi.

That's all right. But what are you

doing here? What do you want?

I think we are lost. We look for

the... how you say?

Removal room? No?

Oh, you mean the delivery room.

Ah, jawohl. Yes.

I don't know how

you found your way

here, but it's on

the ground floor.

Along there, down the stairs.

Ah, yes. Yes.

Grathias, mademoiselle. Grathias.

Enchante.

Come, Frederico.

Arrivederci.

Here, Sid...

- Good boy. Have you found them?

- What are we looking for?

Oh, knickers.

Here, Sid, I've found 'em.

Put 'em down.

What are we looking for?

Keys, you fool.

Oh, keys, you fool.

Matron, it's me. May I come in?

It's Bernard.

Matron...

Still warm.

She can't be far away.

Oh...

Oh, Matron. I've

come to apologise.

- I misjudged you terribly.

- Oh?

And what's caused this

sudden change, sir Bernard?

A desire to prove yourself again?

No, no. I was talking

to Dr Goode and he

told me there was

nothing between you

and, as a brother Newt, I

believe him implicitly.

A brother Newt?

Yes. We're both Newts, you know.

Oh, where did you happen to

meet? In a jam jar, perhaps?

Oh, now, don't be

like that, Matron.

Say you'll forgive me. Please.

Oh, that's all very

well, sir Bernard,

but the fact that you

thought I could entertain

a man in my room for

the purpose of...

well, that sort of thing.

What's wrong with...

that sort of thing?

I beg your pardon?

When two people are

attracted to each other...

As you are to me?

Desperately. You're the

medicine I've been wanting.

Three times a day and

shake well before taking.

You have such a

romantic way of putting

things. I don't know what to say.

Say you'll have me.

Come, sir Bernard.

Sit beside me.

- Ooh.

- What on earth was that?

Ooh...

Oh, no. Not again.

They don't half put those gas

metres in some funny places.

Excuse me, madam.

Matron. How could you?

Sir Bernard, I don't know what

that man was doing down there.

No. You should have shoved him in

the cupboard like the last one.

Perhaps you've got one in

there alrea... Already.

My God. You have.

Yes. You've got woodworm

in there all right, miss.

We'll send you an estimate.

Matron, I've only got one

thing to say to you,

never try to join the Newts.

I've never seen those

men. They were in the...

I don't want...

Come on. Let's get this door open.

Did you get it?

No. But we stopped

someone else getting it.

We'll have to blow it.

Ernie, get the stuff out.

Come on. Hurry up.

Be careful with it.

Steady with it.

Slowly.

There. There you are.

Careful.

Huh... Looking for woodworm...

Reading the gas metre...

I'm not a fool.

You certainly are if

you believe that.

I tell you, those men

are up to no good.

Arthur, have you seen any

suspicious men about?

Suspicious, Matron?

Yes. One in uniform, the other

in a dark suit with a beard.

Oh, the men who came in with the

emergency, about quarter

of an hour ago.

There you are. What

did I tell you?

Emergency? We're not expecting

any emergencies, are we?

Well, Nurse Carter seemed

to know all about it.

Nurse Carter? Where did they go?

Up in the lift, Matron.

We'll get to the bottom

of this. Arthur, lock

all the doors and don't

let anyone in or out.

I'll find out who's

been unauthorised in

this hospital if it's

the last thing I do...

All right. Come on. Get down.

Oh. Oh.

What's that?

Oh. Sister. Quick.

It's starting.

Sister.

All right, Mrs Tidey.

It's all right.

Just lie back. I won't

be a moment. Just relax.

Come on, Dad. Hurry up.

All right. That's enough.

Here you are.

Let's go.

Blimey, that was quick, doc.

Yes. It's my new method.

I just whistle and out she comes.

Pardon...

You can't go out, doc.

I've locked the doors.

Back way. Quick.

Come on. Down here.

Here they are.

Locked. Through there.

They're locked.

Come on.

Down here.

There they are.

This is the maternity

hospital here.

I'd like to report an explosion.

- They can't go through here.

- Where can they be?

- Where could they have got to?

- They must be round this way.

No. No.

Come on.

Come on.

Stop those men.

They're trespassing.

- Come on. Through here.

- Right.

- I'll ladder my stockings.

- Oh, shut up. Get in.

Look out.

Mind my... mind my back.

Matron. Through here. Quickly.

Dirty nappies.

Eurgh.

Come on, Matron. The wards.

Aargh.

Missed me.

Aargh.

Mr Tidey...

Congratulations, your

wife's just had a fine boy.

At last. I told you to

use dynamite, didn't I?

Did you hear that, mates?

I've got a boy.

You've done it. Well done.

- Well done.

- There they are.

There they are. Matron.

- Do you mind?

- Blimey.

- It's no good.

- Quick.

There they are.

- There they are.

- Get them.

Get them.

There's millions of

'em, like rabbits.

Don't let them go.

All right, all right,

the game's up.

Hand over whatever it

is you've got there.

Quiet, please. I am

trying to phone.

Stop all that nonsense

and call the police.

I'm trying to.

- I wouldn't, mate.

- Why not?

Well, if it ever got

out that the nurse

who delivered those

babies was a fella...

What?

I don't believe it.

You want more proof?

Get off, Dad.

He's right, sir Bernard.

We'd never live it down.

Very well. Arthur, put the phone

down. What is your proposition?

Simple. We give you the

stuff back, you let us go.

- My baby.

- Oh, shut up.

- Give it to me.

- Give it to her.

- All right. Hold the case, then.

- Oh, you fool. There.

You'll have to let

them go, sir Bernard.

Very well. Arthur, open the doors.

Ha-ha. It's time we left.

What on ea...

Prodd.

What on earth do you think

you're doing, you idiot?

- Ah...

- Well done, lad.

Well done.

- Our turn next?

- It'd better be.

- You're not, are you?

- Oh...

- Here.

- Oh...

Don't they look lovely?

Yeah. I'm glad something

good's come out of it, anyway.

Happy, my dear?

Especially for you. You'll be

able to prove yourself at last.

I'm not worried about that any

more, I can assure you, my dear.

Are we going to do another job?

Of course. I've got

a beauty lined up.

Really? What is it?

I was reading about this

millionaire's nudist camp.

If I could just get somebody

in there to look it over...

Hey. Come back.

Come back, you fools.