Carry on Girls (1973) - full transcript

And since I am strongly
of the opinion...

that we are already
providing more than

enough entertainment for visitors,

I wish to propose the motion
that the provision of more

would be detrimental to the
good name of the borough.

- Knickers.
- Please, Councillor.

Strike that from the
minutes, Miss Drew.

I beg your pardon, Your Worship?

Don't take down "knickers".

Chance would be a fine
thing, wouldn't it, love?

Councillor Fiddler, I
really must request you



to moderate your language
when in committee.

I second that.

I do beg the committee's
pardon, Your Worship.

But all this bleeding
codswallop about mucking

up the name of the
borough gets on my wick.

- Should I...
- No, no.

Oh, gorblimey, why
don't we face facts?

We don't attract visitors
to this dump because

there's nothing for
them to flipping do.

Of course, we are
well aware that Mr...

Fiddler would like
to see more people

in that so-called
amusement arcade of

his, playing on those
dreadful machines.

You're dead right.
Do you know how much



What the Butler Saw
took last season?

£1.60... that works out at
about two pence a grope.

Please.

I really do feel
that we are somewhat

straying from the point here.

That is the point. It's
the only indoor amusement

we have, except snogging
under the bandstand.

I do feel, you know,
that Councillor

Fiddler does have a point there,

considering our very high
seasonal rainfall figure.

Oh, really, Mr Mayor?

Personally, I think it
is quite an average one.

If you think nine inches is an
average one, you've been spoilt.

Yes...

yes, yes.

Does anyone else have
any useful suggestions?

- I have.
- What is that, Councillor?

- Miss Fircombe.
- I beg your pardon?

Miss Fircombe... a beauty
queen. That's what

we want. All the best
resorts have 'em.

Mr Mayor, I think we have wasted
quite enough time here today,

and I propose that you
close the meeting.

Please. Mrs Prodworthy, please.

I do feel that the proposal
merits some discussion.

Mr Mayor, you are well aware
of my views on women's rights.

And there can never
be anything proper in

young women being shown
off like cattle,

for the sexual gratification
of a lot of drooling men.

Bowls.

I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?

A bowls competition.
That's what we need.

Poor old Pratt. He
really will have to go.

And so will I. We've heard quite
enough rubbish spoken here today.

Oh, but we still wish to
hear yours, Mrs Prodworthy.

Your views, I mean.

I think I have made
myself perfectly clear.

And as far as I am concerned,
the matter is closed.

Good morning.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

I'm afraid that's that, then.

We're still in committee. I
propose we put it to the vote.

- What? Without Mrs Prodworthy?
- We've still got a quorum.

Yes.

Yeah, all right, then.

All those in favour of the
motion to hold a beauty contest?

One only.

How about you? You were
all for it a moment ago.

Very well.

All those against?

Two also. I'm afraid we still
haven't a majority, Councillor.

Hang on just a minute.

Oi. You're all for it, ain't you?

Yes... any time.

Carried.

- Morning, madam.
- Good morning, William.

Mrs Dukes.

Let me give you a hand, Mrs Dukes.

Thank you, William.

It's been a...

Go. One, two, three.

Thank you, William. Are
you all right now?

Yes, thank you. It were
just a touch of... eugh.

I generally get it at
this time of the... whay.

Yes, it's the sea air.

Yes.

Hello, Mrs Dukes. I thought
you were going to the cinema.

I did, but I had to leave.
A young man sat next

to me and started to make
improper suggestions.

Again? You should
complain to the manager.

I can't. He's after
me too, you see.

Well, perhaps you shouldn't make
yourself look quite so attractive.

I can't help it. I give
out waves, you know.

Really?

Yes, my late husband
used to call it "oomph."

William... have you
seen Mr Fiddler?

Yes... not a bad
photo, considering.

No, I don't mean this. I
mean, has he been in?

Ah.

Yes, it was last Tuesday.

Has he been in today?

Today?

Now, let me see...

Never mind, William. If
you do see him, could

you tell him I'd like
to see him right away?

Yes.

What shall I tell him
if I don't see him?

Nothing, William. Nothing.

Yes, I'll try and remember
that, Mrs Philpotts.

- Is the Admiral all right?
- Yes, I think so.

He's quite old, you know. He's
not as fit as some of us.

Whay-ahh.

We don't need your
recommendation, thank you.

Go on, hop it.

Blimey, it's all happening here.

I'll get him. I am the greatest.

I beg your pardon. I thought
I was back in the game then.

Willy, I want a nice
double room, with

hot and cold running chambermaids.

Yes, sir.

Here, does that mean you and Mrs
Philpotts are going to do it?

Don't be filthy.

I didn't mean that.
I mean get hitched.

No, I wouldn't say that.
We're just good friends.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't
bank on that for

the minute if I were
you, Mr Fiddler.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

Yes. Oh... I'm glad
you reminded me.

Mrs Philpotts said to tell you...

Now, I must get this right.

Take your time.
I've got all night.

No, that wasn't it...
Yes, it was. No.

No, it wasn't. Dearie me.
It's on the tip of my tongue.

- Your finger.
- My finger, yes.

No, that wasn't it.

While you're thinking, get
that number for me, will you?

I'll remember it, don't you worry.

I'll get this number for
you while I'm waiting.

Hoyah-mm.

Get off. Hoya... shoom.

All right, I'll do it myself.

Gorblimey.

I'm only doing my
best, that's all.

Give me that thing. What's
the matter with you?

Give me the book. Thank you.

01-754-3230.

Potter Publicity Bureau. To
whom do you wish to speak?

Hello, Paula. Sid here,
Sid Fiddler. How are you?

Oh, very well, thank you.

You haven't changed.
Is Peter there?

It's that terrible
man Sidney Fiddler.

You don't want to
talk to him, do you?

- I'd better.
- You know what he's like.

He may have something for me.

If it's like the last time,
you'll need bailing out.

I can handle him. Hello, Sid?

- Hello, Pete. How's business?
- Great, great.

I've got a job here you'd
love to get your teeth into.

What is it? He's got a job for me.

I can imagine.

I want you to do the publicity for
a beauty contest here in Fircombe.

A beauty contest...
What, you mean girls?

I don't mean budgerigars.

Oh, I don't know. I
don't think Paula would

like me getting mixed
up with a lot of girls.

- Why not?
- Well, we're engaged.

And you know how
jealous Paula can be.

Just think of all those lovely 38s
and 40s bobbling up and down.

I am. Phwoar.

Sounds an interesting assignment,
Sid, putting Fircombe on the map.

Writing about local trade
figures and that sort of thing.

Oh, she's come back into
the office, has she?

What's the job worth?

£100, in round
figures. And there'll

be plenty of those, I promise you.

£100?

It could be more.
I'm on the council.

I think I'd better come down, Sid.

That's my boy. Don't take any
of that old guff from Paula.

If she doesn't like it,
tell her she can lump it.

That's how to deal with
women, treat 'em rough.

Hello, sweetheart.
I didn't see you.

Obviously. I'd like
to see you, Sidney...

right away.

Ah, that's it.

Mrs Philpotts wants to
see you right away.

- Thank you, Willy.
- I knew I'd get it.

And how's my favourite
little hotel keeper today?

Hungry... very hungry.

So would I be if I
had to eat here.

But I haven't eaten.

Are you on a diet again?

No, you had asked me out to lunch.

Oh. Blimey, so I did.
I'm sorry, love.

I've had a very busy day. I've
been in it right up to here.

So I see.

That's it. Great idea, isn't it?

Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.

No, I did it mainly
for you, darling.

For me? Oh, really?

You've got a hotel.
Just think of all

the people this will
bring into town.

You'll be packed out. And the
beauty contestants will stay here.

Of course, I hadn't
thought of that. Now,

that was very clever
of you, Sidney.

You know me, love.
Anything for you.

Anything but marriage.

As I was saying, you'll
have at least a dozen

beauty queens staying
here for a start.

At the usual rate?

You can't charge the
contestants, can you?

Why not?

Well, they're the
bait, aren't they?

When people hear about
these dolly birds

staying here, they'll
queue up for your rooms.

I don't doubt that. But
I won't have anything

going on here that might
upset my regulars.

Don't worry. I've fixed
that. There will be

a full-time chaperone
here day and night.

Well, that is better.

Who?

It wasn't easy, but we got it down
to a short list of possibles.

We had to find people
that would not

take advantage of the situation.

Somebody honest and dependable
with strict morals.

- And?
- They talked me into it.

I knew it. Chaperone? You and
a bunch of beauty queens?

It's like asking Dracula to
be in charge of a blood bank.

Darling, that's not true. You know
I don't go for beautiful women.

- I like you.
- That does it. Get out.

All right, I'm going.

You lecherous so-and-so. Get out.

Really, Mother. I don't see
why I have to come too.

You haven't come to since
the day you were born.

Look.

You were there when he
gave out this statement.

You even took this photograph
of the revolting man.

I want you here as a witness
to what the Mayor says.

She's still under way, sir.

She's not heaving to, sir.

Very well, Mr Christian,
fire a shot across her bows.

Aye aye, sir.

Oh, come along, answer the door.

All right, I'm coming.

Sorry if I kept you waiting.
I was in the lav, you see.

Mrs Bumble, I wish to speak
to your husband immediately.

You'd better come in, then.

I've only got to go to the lav and

someone starts
knocking at the door.

It's almost as if they knew.

Mind you, I must admit,
I do go rather a lot.

Well, I'm not here
to take a census

on toilet habits, Mrs Bumble.

Please take me to your husband.

I couldn't disturb him
now, dear. He's upstairs.

Well, I damn well can.

Very well, Mr Christian.

Stand by to ram and board her.

You've seen this, I presume?

Yes, but...

you have no right to be
in here, Mrs Prodworthy.

Never mind that. Do you
mean to tell me that,

in my absence, the
committee actually

approved this disgusting idea?

Mrs Prodworthy, I hardly
think that this is

the time or the place
to discuss matters.

Poppycock. I've seen men
naked before, you know.

Damn it, I've buried
three husbands.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

Excuse us, sir.

- Come along, Mother, please.
- Now, you shut up.

I want a straight answer. Was
it or was it not approved?

Mrs Prodworthy, I refuse to
discuss this with you in my bath.

I am not in your bath,
thank goodness.

- Was it or wasn't it?
- Yes, it was, but...

Then I must warn you that I mean
to fight it to the bitter end.

Mrs Prodworthy.

I have a civic duty to
support any project...

Oh, fiddlesticks. You
are a weak-kneed ass.

And as far as I can
see, you are as poorly

equipped to carry out
your civic duties

as your domestic ones.

That's what the job's all about.

I still don't see why you
have to stay down there.

They need some on-the-spot
publicity now.

I've done all I can at this
end. Surely you understand?

No. Stop being so
secretive and tell

me what the job's really about.

- It's a publicity campaign.
- To publicise what?

Fircombe. They're having a sort
of competition to go with it.

Like spot the boobs?

What? What made you say that?

Well, like the one spotting the

deliberate mistakes
on cornflake packets.

Well, not quite like that. It's to

encourage people to
come to Fircombe.

You haven't exactly
encouraged me to.

I couldn't trust myself to
ask you to come with me.

I'd burst in and try
to make love to you.

You know I wouldn't
let that happen.

Exactly, that's why I didn't...
didn't want the temptation.

Anyway, I'd lose my job, and then
I couldn't afford to marry you.

Excuse me, are you
going to Fircombe?

This train's going there, yes.

Good.

- Do you know that girl?
- No.

Funny, she's going
to Fircombe too.

- A lot of people must live there.
- Are we all right for Fircombe?

- I'm sure you are.
- Thanks.

I'm beginning to understand why
you don't want me down there.

Don't be ridiculous,
darling. You're the

only girl in my life,
you know that.

Is this the train for
the beauty contest?

Yes, that's right.

- Oh, good. Are you coming?
- Certainly not.

Perhaps you're right.
Are you in this one?

That's right, I am.

Oh, I'll join you, then.

You didn't say anything
about a beauty contest.

I think I'd better go.

Excuse me.

Well, goodbye, darling. I'll
be back as soon as I can.

Oh. Oh.

Why didn't you wait until
we were in the tunnel?

I thought I was. Sorry.

Sorry, darling.

Kiss?

I'll take bust any time.

Bust. Any time.

I saw them soaking
in the bathroom last

night, and in the
morning they were gone.

Mrs Dukes, I cannot
believe that one of these

young ladies would
take your knickers.

I'll make enquiries, of
course. What were they like?

Red flannelette... reinforced.

Yes, I see. Well, I'm
sure they must turn up.

They can't. They've got
elastic at the bottom.

How chic.

Well, I'm sure they'll be fine.

I certainly hope so,
because I don't feel at

all safe walking about
this town without any.

- Perhaps I can help, Mrs Dukes.
- Oh, Admiral.

Come outside, madam. I've
got something to show you.

- What do you mean? Where?
- All will be revealed, madam.

Across the promenade there. Look.

I've got to check all
your measurements.

- I've never had it before.
- The experience will do you good.

- Sidney, I'd like a word.
- Yes, love, what is it?

It's about these complaints.

I'm not complaining.
Everything's going fine.

Yes, I can see that.

Run along, we'll finish off later.

Finish what? You measured
everything I have.

Off you go.

She's always kidding, that one.

What's the trouble?

I'm worried about my
permanent residents.

All this running about,
in and out of each

other's bedrooms...
it's not good enough.

At their age they
ought to know better.

It's your girls I mean.

I've heard them... all
night long, doors banging.

With a bunch of young
dollies, you've

got to expect a bit of banging.

I expect you to get them all
into bed at a reasonable hour.

I promise you I'll
do my very best.

Mr Fiddler, what about these
photos? I haven't got all day.

Excuse me, love. Business.

I'm waiting for my
publicity man to turn up.

I'm covering the Mayor's
opening this afternoon.

You do get some unpleasant jobs.

He's opening a municipal
building at four.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and...

And what about the
ladies, may I ask?

What was that?

Why is there provision
only for gentlemen in this

monument to natural and
universal functions?

Hear. Hear.

Because it was
specifically designed

for use by the male
sex as approved

in council last September.

I see. So the ladies
must wait, is that it?

Mrs Prodworthy... I
do feel that the

place for protest
is in the chamber.

I did protest in the
chamber, Mr Mayor,

and most strongly.

I still insist on knowing
why this place could

not have been for the
use of both sexes.

Because it's for men.

We can't have them all
using the same one.

Perhaps the Mayor
would care to explain

why we can't all use the same one?

Yes, well...

Why can't we all use...

Ah, yes.

Because the fittings are
different, for one thing.

We all have only one
thing, Mr Mayor.

Mrs Prodworthy, you are
deliberately misun...

misunderstanding me.

What I am trying to say...

I know what you are trying to say.

You are trying to say...
that women are inferior.

Hear, hear.

I put it to you that
this is one more

example of this council's policy

to deliberately demean
and debase womanhood.

Hear. Hear.

A policy which was brought to a
head recently when, in my absence,

they passed this
disgraceful resolution

to hold a beauty contest here.

Hear. Hear.

I want every male here to know

that the women of
Fircombe are determined

to stop this degrading spectacle.

Until it is called
off, we will squat...

in this erection to man's
so-called superiority.

- Hear, hear.
- Mrs Prodworthy, please.

Forward, liberators of Fircombe.

Forward.

Please, please.

Come on. Girls.

Get changed for photos.
Back in 15 minutes.

What do you want us to wear?

Anything that will bring out
your best... points, Miss...?

Downs. Ida Downs.

I bet you come from Beds.

- No, Bristol.
- I should have guessed.

I've got a rather smashing
two-piece swimsuit.

Great, just wear
one piece of that.

Will they publish
pictures like that?

- Not in my paper.
- All right, I was only joking.

You go and get 'em both on.

Go on, get your gear ready.

- How's it going, love?
- Wonderful.

Since all this
started, I've let ten

rooms... all for
you... for nothing.

Wait till old Pete gets that
publicity really rolling.

The contest is in ten days.

You've still got your
permanent residents.

If I've got any left.

Ooh. You're a dirty old man.

Er... Mrs Philpotts.

I wish to complain. This
young woman molested me.

Well, I like that.

Whether you like it or
not, dear, is immaterial.

He pinched my...

Don't worry about it.
I'll sort it out.

Cheeky little thing. I'd like
to put her across my knee.

- I'm sure you would, Admiral.
- Yes, by Jove... What?

Mrs Philpotts. Are
you suggesting...

Damn it, for two pins,
I'd move out of here.

Good afternoon, sir.
Can I help you?

Yes. Have you got
any rooms, please?

Certainly, sir. Our
terms are £7 a day

or £40 a week all in.

Mr Fiddler said it had
all been arranged.

You see, we're in
the beauty contest.

Yes. So I see.

Oh, well... in that case, take
your pick. Take the lot. Go on.

Be my guest, room with
a view and all that

sort of thing. Righto,
have a good time.

Pete, we're waiting.
The photographer's

here. Where the
hell have you been?

Sorry, the train was late.
Some trouble on the line.

Trouble? With these
two? You're joking.

- This is Miss Bangor.
- Really? How do you do?

And this is Miss
Brakes... Dawn Brakes.

Dawn, my favourite
time for getting up.

I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.

You still are in my book, darling.

Sid, are there any rooms for us?

The woman behind the desk went all
peculiar and threw these at us.

She's overwhelmed.
They haven't done

this kind of business
since Mafeking.

Photo call in ten minutes.

Gorblimey, not again.

William.

I want you to come over
the promenade with me.

Yes...

Why?

I want you to take
my knickers down.

Pardon?

Well, they're on the
pole over there.

Oh, I see.

Well, you'd better take
my arm, because it

can be a bit tricky
crossing this road.

Right.

- It's already been done.
- Well. What hasn't?

- Excuse me.
- Not now, sonny, I'm busy.

Sonny? You want your eyes tested.

I thought they always built the
shock absorbers into the bikes.

Saucy.

Are you the bloke in charge?

That's right. Fiddler's the name.

I'm Hope Springs.

Hope Springs? I don't believe it.

True... Well, actually,
my real name's Muriel

Bloggs. But it was hardly
right for this game.

- What game?
- Beauty contests, of course.

Don't tell me you're a competitor?

Of course I am.

See?

Miss Easy Rider.

- I beat 14 other girls for that.
- Doing what?

I was at an advantage. We had
to do it on a motorbike.

I'd have thought
that was a handicap.

No, I mean I've been
riding a bike for years.

Good for you. But
this is a straight

beauty contest. No kinky stuff.

You feel I'm not right
for it, don't you?

No, I just don't want you to
waste your time, that's all.

Oh, I won't, don't you worry.

I look a lot different
in a bikini.

So does he, but he's not entering.

Just wait and see. You're
in for a big surprise.

Have you got a room
I can change in?

- Use mine.
- You won't come in?

Not until you're halfway through.

Maybe I'd better have
a room of my own.

Perhaps you're right. Come on.

Connie, have you got a
room for this young lady?

Of course, Sidney.

I think you'll find
that an ideal one.

Thank you, Connie.

Just a minute. It's for
the broom cupboard.

Right... where we keep
all the scrubbers.

- How...
- All right, keep your hat on.

Go and change in mine.
I'll sort it out later.

Ta. I heard that. Does she
fancy you or something?

You know how it is. A
widow with a place

like this, things
get on top of her.

Yeah, I bet they do... frequently.

Go on, get changed.

Ta. See you.

Ahem. Excuse me.

Mind if I join you?

Help yourself. It's
big enough, isn't it?

By Jove, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to
go. I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

Oh... so you want to play, do you?

Come on, then.

Argh, get off.

No, no.

Come on, lover. I've
only just started.

- That will teach the old buzzard.
- What did you do to him?

I think I tickled his fancy.

Well, do I pass now?

With honours, in at
least two subjects.

Saucy. Let's hope the
judges think like you.

If they do, they'll
all get locked up.

Promises, promises. Am I
too late for the pictures?

- No, go to the others over there.
- Ta.

That's the lot, is it?

Er... no. There's still
Miss Brakes to come.

- Oh, no, not Dawn. Is she here?
- That's right. Do you know her?

Do I? I'm not saying
anything against her,

but if this was a dog contest,
none of us would stand a chance.

If it was a cat show you'd
do all right, though.

I like the girl, honest.

It's not her fault she
has to wear a falsie.

What do you mean a falsie?

She has one bigger than the other.

- Is that right?
- No, left.

But you're crazy about her?

Oh, I wouldn't say a
word against her.

Like in the last
contest we were in.

We were sharing this
dressing room together,

and I had this fabulous
silver bikini.

And I just popped out for a while.

It could quite easily
happen in that outfit.

I'm not saying she
nicked it, mind, but...

Push, push.

Keep him coming.

Good boy. That's a...
Keep him quiet. Push.

Aagh.

- What's that?
- All right. It's only a donkey.

I know it's a donkey. What's
it doing in my lounge?

That's a good question.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

- Sid, meet Cleopatra.
- How do you...

- Have you gone out of your mind?
- No, it's for the photos.

Beauty and the beast. Get it?

Beauty and the beast.
What a great idea.

Come over here. Come on.

I am not having it
here. Take it out.

Be reasonable. It's
only for a few minutes.

Reasonable? I don't even
allow dogs in here.

It's not a dog.

I know it's not, but these
carpets are very expensive.

I'm afraid it's too late.

Don't just stand
there, get a shovel.

Yes.

It'll be very good for
the potted palms.

Get it out of here,
Sidney. Get it out.

Right.

We'll get a couple of
quick shots first.

This is what we'll do.
We'll get one of the girls

to sit on the donkey...
What's wrong with you?

Oh. Gosh.

- Are you ready for me now?
- More than ready, darling.

I want you to come and
sit on this donkey.

All right. Are you sure it's
safe? He doesn't look too happy.

He should be. He just got
a big load off his mind.

If you say so.

Wait.

Don't just stand there. Come
and give her a bunk up.

- What?
- A bunk up. Come on.

Oh, I see... right.

Ready?

There we are. All right, girls.
Come on, let's have you.

Round the donkey. Please. Come on.

That's it.

All right?

All right, Larry, we're ready.

Just a minute, I've
still got my robe on.

Hang on.

I knew it.

You thieving bitch.

- What's going on here?
- That's my bikini she's got on.

Really, I don't know what
she's talking about.

Just a minute.

She nicked it from my
dressing room last year.

Darling, I wouldn't be seen
dead in your old rags.

You'll be seen dead if
you don't give it back.

That's quite enough.

You stay out of this.

You rotten cow.

No.

Hope, come on.

Get it off.

Stop it, somebody.

Break it up. Come on.

Is Councillor Fiddler here?

- Just about.
- What?

What is going on?

Ladies, please.

Come on. You've done
enough damage as it is.

Come on, leave my
potted plants alone.

William, come on with the shovel.

Quick, before there's
any more damage.

Mildred.

Yaagh.

Mil...

Mildred.

You're up, then.

Of course I am. Didn't
you hear me calling?

No, I had the radio on.

I know you had it on.

I can't remember
when you had it off.

Neither can I.

Are you aware that it
is now five past nine?

Am I missing something, then?

My tea. I ordered it
for eight-thirty.

Better late than
never, I always say.

Here you are, then.

Thank you very much.

- Enough sugar?
- Quite.

And cigarette ash.

Isn't it time you started
thinking of getting dressed?

What for?

Have you forgotten what I kept
on telling you last night?

To stop snoring?

At ten o'clock, we
have an official

visit to the maternity hospital.

Do I have to go?

Of course you do.
They're expecting you.

I don't really feel
up to it, Frederick.

You've got to. You are the
Mayor's wife, God help him.

You have a duty to do.

And that doesn't
mean sitting around

here all day like an
old compost heap.

Yes, Frederick.

You should take pride in being the

wife of Fircombe's
leading citizen.

And what, may I
ask, is so amusing?

- You.
- What do you mean?

Here you are.

- Is that you, Rosemary?
- Yes.

Have you seen this?

Yes. Bloody disgrace.

Still, what can you
expect from a man?

My boy Lawrence took it, you know.

It's done him quite a
bit of good. And us.

Us? Why?

The more old Bumble lays himself
open to ridicule like this,

the better our chances of
having a lady mayor next time.

Gosh, yes. That would hit 'em
where it hurts, wouldn't it?

Oh, please, Rosemary. I
don't like any reference

to that area of their
so-called superiority.

By golly, you'd make a
spiffing mayor, Augusta.

We've got to keep up the pressure
against this damn beauty contest.

I agree. What's the next step?

I've been wondering.
Have you any pull

with anyone at the
maternity hospital?

Good Lord, no.

It's hardly my scene, is it?

Only the Mayor is opening a
new nursery there today.

I thought we might
arrange a little...

surprise for him.

How do you do?

Mr Prodworthy, I'm so
pleased you could come.

You didn't mind me
calling you, did you?

Not at all, Miss Brakes.

I saw your photos in the
paper. I'm impressed.

I thought perhaps
you could help me.

Of course. Anything.

A magazine wants
some pin-up photos,

and you'd be the
person to take them.

- Thank you... here, do you mean?
- No, on the beach.

Oh, fine. Oh, but I advise
plenty of warm clothing.

I don't think the
magazine would like that.

Why not?

They only want nudes.

You have done nudes before?

- Oh, yes.
- Shall we have a bash, then?

Pardon? Oh, er... pictures. Now?

Yes, they want them by
the end of the week.

Yes, but naked...

on the beach, in broad
daylight, in Fircombe?

I'm sure we'll find
a deserted spot.

Come on.

Oh.

I beg your pardon?

Of all the filthy rotten beasts.

Disgusting. You're a sex maniac.

I didn't... Honestly,
I didn't do a thing.

Say goodbye to Mrs Philpotts
for me, there's a good fellow.

That's about the fourth
that's left this morning.

You don't have to tell
me. Where's Mr Fiddler?

He's still up in his room. He just
sent down for some more coffee.

I'll give him coffee.

Good. It'll save me a trip.

Come in.

I'll have it here,
please, on the bed.

You won't, you know.

I'm sorry, I thought
it was my coffee.

That's ok. Look, I
came to apologise

for what happened yesterday.

Are you joking? Have
you seen the publicity

we got out of it? Front
page, every paper.

Good. I was hoping
it'd do the trick.

What do you mean, you were hoping?

Well, the donkey
wasn't a bad idea,

but there's nothing
like a really good

punch-up, particularly
amongst women.

You mean you started
it deliberately?

You're a clever little
devil, ain't you?

Well, I'm pretty sure
it was my outfit

she had on. Of course,
I could be wrong.

We should get together.

With your brains and my
beauty, we could go places.

I don't think I could
teach you much.

- You want a bet?
- I think I'd better be going.

Come here. What's the hurry?

You know what the others would
say about me being here.

"Why should she
have all the luck?"

They'd say I was trying to work
on you to fix myself to win.

They'd be dead wrong.
Nothing in the

world you could do
would influence me.

Hop in here and I'll prove it.

No, thanks. I'll take my
chance with the rest.

Send the others in one at
a time, and I'll prove it

to them all. Now you can't
say fairer than that.

I really think you would, too.

Leave it outside the door, please.

- Sidney. I want to talk to you.
- It's Connie.

- She mustn't catch you in here.
- Sidney?

Just a minute, love.

Quick, get in the cupboard.

My dressing gown's got caught.

- Oh, no.
- Sidney.

All right, love. I'm not decent.

- It's caught in the spring.
- Do something, for God's sake.

But turn the other way.

Sidney?

Coming.

Come in.

Sorry to keep you waiting...
just getting dressed.

You didn't get very far.

What's the matter?
Something's upset you.

Upset?

Four more of my regulars moved out

today. That's seven
gone in two days.

We don't want to discuss it here.
Let's go down to the office.

In your pyjamas? Charming, that
should get rid of a few more.

I'll put on my dressing
gown... No, I won't.

You go downstairs and
I'll follow straight...

- What is it?
- That's what I'm wondering.

There's my dressing gown.

I'd wondered what happened to it.

Won't be long.

- It's shrunk.
- Where is she?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

There isn't one. I always
go to the bathroom. Connie.

- Connie, wait a minute.
- Oh... hello.

I thought as much.

Connie... wait a minute.

Connie.

Gosh, you're right,
it is a bit nippy.

What do you keep looking
round like that for?

I'm just worried somebody
might come along.

So what? I'm sure they've
seen a naked girl before.

Well, I haven't. Well,
not like this, anyway.

You're not embarrassed, are you?

You shouldn't be. You know.

As a photographer, you should
regard these things objectively.

Nobody could regard those
things objectively.

Why, what's wrong with them?

Oh, nothing. They're, er...

Come on, let's get on
with the photographs.

Oh, I've still got my panties on.

Oh, er... haven't you
taken enough off?

Not for the magazine
these photos are for.

Oh. My God.

Ok, now, Larry?

Oh, help. Help. Get me out.

Help, help. Get me out.

It won't be long now.

- I'm used to this sort of thing.
- Quite all right, Your Worship.

- Here she is.
- Sorry to keep you all waiting.

It's a weakness of mine, you know.

That's all right, Lady Mayoress.

Frederick could tell
you. I have to get up

four or five times during
the night, don't I?

I'm sure the matron has no wish to

listen to our nocturnal
habits, Mildred.

I didn't mean those
sort of habits.

We haven't done anything
like that for...

Could we please get
on with it, Matron?

Yes, of course, Your Worship.

This is the new nursery.

As you can see, we've named it
the Frederick Bumble Nursery.

I am, of course, highly honoured,

but I would have thought
that Mrs Prodworthy

here, as chairman of
the hospital board...

Thank you, Your Worship,
but the committee

felt the honour should go to you.

The commemoration plaque
is at the far end.

Now I must ask you all
to be very quiet,

as the babies will all be asleep.

Of course. Bless
their little hearts.

Just leave them. Leave it.

Just leave them there. Leave them.

Just pull the cord when
you're ready, Your Worship.

Yes, of course, Matron. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is with the
greatest pleasure...

nay, even with pride...

that I unveil this
commemorative plaque

to mark the completion of
this splendid new nursery.

Who is responsible for this?

Who was responsible for this?

I'll have them...

Who did this?

Shut up, you little devils.

Shut up.

Who was it?

I tell you, I've never
been so humiliated.

And it's all your fault.

You and this wretched
beauty contest.

Come off it, Fred. It can't
be all that serious.

I tell you, I was
a laughing stock.

Even the babies were
wetting themselves.

I wish we'd known. We'd have
had a photographer there.

You won't need any photos, not
with Augusta Prodworthy there.

It'll be all over the town by now.

I still think you're making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Now if you hadn't been
wearing your underpants...

It was ghastly enough, thank you.

If you don't believe me, ask her.

She'll tell you.

Well, say something, woman.

Is there a ladies' handy?

Oh, shut up.

I warn you, Fiddler, I
will not be involved

in any more of your
publicity stunts.

No more.

Pity, because he's got
a good one lined up.

I do not care. Come
along, Mildred.

It would have done
you a lot of good.

Put you in a heroic
light for a change.

I don't wish to... know.

Oh?

How do you mean?

Heroic light?

You know Lovers' Walk, where
everybody goes for a snog?

Yes... what about it?

This is it. One of our
girls goes for a walk,

is attacked, has half
her clothes torn off,

but is rescued in the nick
of time by guess who?

Me.

What would I be doing there?

Well, you just happened to be
there, with your wife, of course.

What, me...

down Lovers' Walk with her?

You must be raving mad.

He's got a point there,
Pete. Tell you what.

We'll fix you up with
one of our girls.

You are raving mad. Oh,
let me get out of here.

Oh, it's you, Your Worship.

I didn't recognise you
with your trousers on.

Mildred. Let's get out of...

Oh, dear. Did I say
something wrong?

Not so as you'd notice.
Did you talk to Connie?

Yeah. I tried to explain to her
but she just wouldn't listen.

- Just like a woman.
- What do you expect?

She finds you and Hope
naked in your room and

you expect her to believe
nothing happened?

I still don't believe it
myself. I must be slipping.

Silly. I like to think a man
can have a relationship

with a woman which isn't
just based on sex.

I fully agree. She should
have money, as well.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's a fellow from the television
studios. He wants to talk to you.

Councillor Fiddler speaking.

Are you the person organising
the beauty contest?

- That's right.
- Well, I'm... Cecil Gaybody.

You don't say.

I do Woman's Things every weekday.

- Aren't you lucky.
- The magazine programme.

What did you have
in mind, Mr Gayboy?

Gaybody.

You know the kind of thing... come
down, interview some of the girls.

Oh, yes. And I think
that's a great idea. I

should be very happy
to lay it on for you.

- We could come down this evening.
- Six o'clock? Fine.

Byesy-wyesy.

Yes, and byesy-wyesy to you, too.

We're in.

I'm telling you, we're in. They
want to do a television bit on it.

- Great.
- On what?

That's what we've got to sort out.

It's got to be
something sensational.

Think.

You've had a lot of experience.
What we want is some big surprise.

Nothing would surprise
me in this game,

even if one of us
turned out to be a man.

That's it. That's it.

I love you. Didn't I tell
you you were a genius?

- Are you kidding?
- No, no. Can't you see it?

There are the girls lined up,
being interviewed on the telly,

then one arrives looking
absolutely fantastic.

Suddenly... pop.

One flat tyre.

Do you know, it could be
kind of funny at that.

It'd be money in the bank.

Aren't you overlooking
one small point?

- None of our girls are men.
- How do you know?

Don't be ridiculous, Sid.

All right, we'll get
a man to do it.

I'm sure the Mayor would be
only too willing to oblige.

I don't know.

I don't think we'd have
to look very far, do you?

You know, I think we might
just about get away with it,

- with a good wig and make-up.
- And flat heels.

Oh, no.

No, I'm not having that.

Come on, Pete, what
have you got to lose?

Nothing much, but I'm not
losing it dressed as a woman.

Nobody will know it's you. You can
change back immediately after.

I'm not changing my sex
for you or anybody

else and that's flat.
No, definitely no.

Stop wriggling.

I can't help it. I can hardly
breathe in this damn thing.

Then don't breathe.

That's fine. Don't move,
stop breathing...

Why don't you just
bury me and have done?

That would be a good stunt.

You can have the other
girls as coffin bearers

with black armbands and a
lily stuck up their...

There. Here.

Not bad. I wish your knees weren't
quite so knobbly, though.

Oh, I am sorry. I'll go to the

hospital and get
myself deknobbled.

Anything else you'd
like me to have off?

We could do with a little bit
more padding up here, though.

That's all right. We'll
just get them to

transplant the knobbles
from my knees.

I'll do that, saucy.

Hello.

Hello, is that Mrs Prodworthy?

Yes, it is. Who is that?

You won't know who this is, but...

- Choo-gai, hurgh.
- Blimey. Not much, she won't.

Kindly state your business.

Well, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but one of the entrants in the

beauty competition
is really a man.

What? I can't believe it.

Well, have you ever seen a young

woman using the
gentlemen's toilet?

No... but it's
possible, I imagine.

What, standing up?

Good heavens.

But this is incredible.
Which one of them is it?

I'm not prepared to say.
If you're at the hotel at

six o'clock, you'll have
a chance of finding out.

- Did she swallow it?
- Hook, line and sinker.

Willy, well done.
Not a word of this

to anybody,
particularly Mr Potter.

Of course not, Mr Fiddler.

Very nice, I won't forget...

Mr Fiddler? Could you...
I seem to have mis...

This is silly. I can't
even see my feet now.

You should worry. I haven't
seen mine since I was 13.

Come on. Sit down at the dressing
table and we'll try the wig on.

Now, what do you think
you look best in?

A blackout.

Which would you prefer,
a short or a long one?

I think this one.

There you go.

There. What do you think?

Do you know, it may
sound kinky but...

I could fancy myself.

You wait till you see
yourself in a dress.

Come up and see me sometime.

Who is it?

- It's me, Sid.
- Just a minute. I'm not decent.

What am I saying?

How's it going?

Hey... you're lovely.

Shut up.

No, really, I mean it. Come here.

Get away from me,
you dirty old man.

Well, Sid, what do you think?

Absolutely perfect. Look.
He'd fool anybody.

- Until I open my big mouth.
- You don't open your big mouth.

When they twig you're a bloke,

gallop back to your
room and change.

What do I do to show
them I am a bloke?

If the answer is what I think
it is, no, I won't do it.

It's all right,
don't worry. When I

introduce you, you
step forward, trip,

your wig flies off, I scream,
"Gorblimey, it's a fella."

Sensational.

Very subtle.

- Take this.
- Give me this.

Room 44.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

The television people are here.

Here we go. Now, stop worrying.

Go on, get into your dress,
there's a good girl.

No. It goes over your head.

Bend down.

You could do with a spot
of rouge on your cheeks.

Get out.

What television interview?

I don't know anything
about any interviews.

Excuse me, but we made
arrangements with

Mr Fiddler to film
here at six o'clock.

In here?

Not in this dreary room.
It's not Bleak House.

Look here, I refuse to
stand here any longer

- and take any more...
- Connie, leave it to me.

Get them out of here,
understand? Out. I'm

not having any more of
your little stunts.

Excuse us. Connie...

I can't just chuck them out.
Think of the publicity.

We can't possibly
get enough of it.

Really? I was under
the impression that

you were getting more
than enough of it.

Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.

Mr Fiddler, we've come
quite a long way,

and I'm really rather worn out.

And you look it... tired, I mean.

I'd like to get it over with.

Through here, please.

Hello, can I won't
keep you a moment.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, it wasn't... it was...

I'd like to see Mr Potter, please.

Yes, just one moment, I'll...

Ee, give over.

Mr Potter? I won't
keep you a second.

Yes, Potter, that's quite right.

It's room 43, the fourth floor.

It's all right, don't you bother.
I'll give him a buzz for you.

No, no, please don't bother.

I'd like to surprise him, anyway.

Yes, well, it's room
43, fourth floor.

Ho. Shut up.

Careful.

I think you'd better go
down a couple of flights,

so you can get used to
the frock. Come on.

All right. Quiet,
everyone, please.

Ready whenever you
are, Mr Fiddler.

Hang on, we've just
got two more to come.

Excuse us.

Here they are. Up here,
please. Come on.

By Jove, what a magnificent beam.

You clumsy cow.

- I'm awfully sorry.
- Don't worry, I'll do it myself.

Miss Potter, would you get
on the end of the line?

Be a darling, Miss Potter.

There we are. All set.

Thank goodness for that.

Now we'll start.

Come on, girls, don't forget,
tease, please, plenty of tease.

Come on, throw your
thingamabobs out.

Not right out, darling. It's
not an educational programme.

Yes, yes, I know.
But even supposing

that your information is correct,

I fail to see what
we can do about it.

Inspector, is there no law against
a man masquerading as a woman?

Well, if it's with intent to
defraud the public, yes, madam.

But he would only
be defrauding if he

was offering something
he hadn't got.

He would be offering
something he hasn't got.

It depends what he's offering.

Well, that is tricky.
Take this gentleman here.

He can dress up as a
woman if he so wishes.

She is a woman.

Oh, well, that's different.

- She can dress up as a man.
- She is.

Oh, this is getting us nowhere.

Inspector, is it
or is it not fraud

if a man masquerades as a woman

in order to win a prize?

That would be an offence.

Then that is all we wish
to know. Come along.

And now, Woman's
Things takes you to

the darling seaside
town of Fircombe,

for an exclusive
behind-the-scenes peep

at the drama in a
typical beauty contest.

Stop.

Madam, if you don't mind, we are
recording a television show.

You are recording
a public scandal,

that is what you're doing.

I beg your pardon?

I have every reason to believe
that one of those women is a man.

Really?

Do tell.

You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do. I had an
anonymous phone call.

Well, we'll soon sort that out.

Girls, you heard
what the lady said.

If it's true, would the guilty
one kindly step forward?

Satisfied?

Certainly not. I demand that each
one undergoes an examination.

- Physical examination?
- Exactly.

It's up to them. If it
was me, I'd be only too

happy to prove you wrong.
What do you say, girls?

Strip off, you mean?

Just to the undies.
That'll be enough.

Well, I'm game. Come on.

Miss Potter.

Keep shooting, Cyril,
it'll be a sensation.

You too, Miss Potter.
Now don't be shy.

- You rotten, stinking...
- That's him.

- Stop him, somebody.
- Stop him.

Stop that... person.

After him.

Tally-ho.

This way, my dear. Over here.

Up the stairs.

How dare you, you thing, you.

Serves you right for trying,
you dirty old lecher.

Help.

Sorry, wrong room.

Peter, in here.

Get your own clothes on.

Go on, get in the bathroom.
Get your make-up off.

Excuse me. Have you seen a
half-clothed... woman up here?

Why, yes. She came into my
fiancé's room a moment ago.

- It's in there.
- What is?

Don't ask me, sir.

Leave this to me, please.

I must ask you to open the
door. Please. It's the police.

Quick, on the bed.

Ahem.

How dare you burst in like that.

Excuse me, madam... sir.
We were looking for a...

Sorry. All right, come on.

Oh, you're wonderful.

- Peter.
- Oh, no.

See the way they're
pouring in. It's

even better than we bargained for.

Than you bargained for, you mean.

You're not still sore
about what happened?

Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.

I've lost my fiancée, I nearly get
raped by a sex-starved admiral,

and if it hadn't been for
Hope, I'd be in jail by now.

Her idea, was it? All
that rumpo on the bed?

It certainly wasn't mine.

What are you complaining
about? Consider

yourself dead lucky you
got anywhere near her.

I've got nothing against her.

It's just that I happen
to be in love with Paula.

Oh, forget it. She'll come
back. They always do.

Look at old Connie.
Last night she wouldn't

speak to me, today
she'll be all over me.

Hello, darling. Doing
all right out there?

I told you they'd come
flocking in, didn't I?

All over you... and
from a great height.

That's exactly how it
happened, believe it or not.

I suppose Peter asked you
to come and tell me this.

No, he doesn't know I'm here.

But he was so upset,
I thought I ought

to try and straighten things out.

You mean that this mysterious
Patricia Potter was Peter?

Yes.

The silly fool. What
made him do it?

It wasn't his idea. Sid
talked him into it.

From what I've heard about
him, I can well believe that.

Oh, Sid's not so bad. He's really

quite nice when you
get to know him.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise
you were keen on him.

Now you come to mention
it... neither did I.

There's a thing.

Look, are we the only two who
know Peter was this girl?

Yeah, why?

If Peter can be a beauty
queen, I'm damn sure I can.

Do you think I stand a chance?

Yeah.

Here, you'll be the greatest.

Mildred.

Mildred?

There.

That should do it good.

Now, perhaps, you
will get dressed.

Why?

The car will be here soon.

We are due at the fire
station at ten o'clock.

What for?

To inspect their new fire engine.

That should be exciting.

Will you please go to the
toilet before we leave?

I don't think I'll
bother, thank you.

I don't feel like looking
at fire engines.

Have you taken leave
of your senses?

Those firemen are
expecting you to be there

with me. What am I
going to tell them?

Tell them there's more than
one way to put a fire out.

And that's exactly how I
feel about their new engine.

As you all know, this degrading
spectacle is due to take place

at 3pm on Saturday
in the pier theatre.

And our primary objective now
is to ensure that it does not.

- Hear, hear.
- Now for your orders, then.

This is a plan of the
pier and the theatre.

Each one of you section leaders

will be in command of one
area of the offensive.

I must stress that
the success of the

whole operation
depends on surprise.

And I must ask you to regard
this briefing as top-secret.

I think there's someone
in the outer office.

Aha. All right, come in here.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to disturb anything.

Mrs Bumble.

What are you doing here?

Please... I'd like to join up.

Rosemary, get the candle.

Right, it's a deal.

Three o'clock in the pier
theatre on Saturday.

And thank you. Mr Gaybody.

How about that, Pete?
5,000 quid for

the exclusive television rights.

Marvellous.

What are you looking
so worried about?

We haven't seen those Women's
Lib pickets out all day today.

So what? We've got 'em
licked and they know it.

But why should they
choose to stop now?

That is women's
fundamental weakness.

They never know when to stop.

Don't worry. It's all plain
sailing from now on.

Yes, Inspector? What
can I do for you?

Excuse me, sir,

we've had information that Miss
Patricia Potter is here again.

- Impossible. He's here.
- That's what I said, sir.

But he can't... she can't be.

William booked her into
Miss Spring's room.

What the hell's going on here?

Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.

You're dead right,
matey. We will find out.

Oh... Oh, hello, Sid.

The Inspector seems to think that
you have Patricia Potter in here.

- Yes, that's right.
- You have?

I'd like to see him, please, miss.

You mean "her".

I'd like to see him
or her, please.

Ok. Come in.

Someone to see you, Patricia.

Yes?

- You are Miss Patricia Potter?
- That's right.

Is that the one what was
here before, Cookson?

I think so, sir.

I'm sorry about running
away like I did,

but I hadn't got
my best undies on.

Oh. Yes?

Do you still intend to
enter the beauty contest?

Of course. Why shouldn't I?

Because we have reason to believe
that you are of the male sex.

Oh, well, really.

Do I look like a man?

These days, it's very
often difficult to tell.

What about you? Do
you think I'm male?

I'd rather not say.

Well, there's only one way of
proving I'm not, I suppose.

No, no, don't do that.

It's all right. I've got
something on underneath.

Is that enough?

Yes. Thank you, miss.

I must apologise. I am
perfectly satisfied.

All right, Cookson, come along.

Nice work, darling.

Hey.

What about you, Peter?

Are you perfectly satisfied?

No.

But I bloody well soon will be.

By the... Ooh, dear.

- And by this action...
- And by this action...

- I, Mildred Bumble...
- I, Mildred Bumble...

publicly proclaim my
equality to man...

publicly proclaim my
equality to man...

and cast aside the
bonds of womanhood.

And cast aside the
bonds of womanhood.

- Proceed.
- Proceed.

Call the fire brigade, someone.

This is indeed a proud day for
the Fircombe Fire Brigade.

Very nice.

- Highly polished. What is that?
- That's the bell, sir.

The new high-speed hose.

Well, well, I must say, it all
looks very efficient to me.

What is all this?

Well, amongst other things, Your
Worship, this houses the lifeline.

The lifeline?

When any of the men are entering
a smoking building or suchlike,

first they attach one of
these hooks to their belt.

Oh, I see.

Very good, yes.

- Like this?
- That's right.

Your Worship, I'd like to
take a photograph of that.

Certainly, my boy, certainly.

- Good heavens, what was that?
- That's the alarm, I'm afraid.

How much is that, please?

50 pence, please, sir.

Half a quid? Blimey,
it'll have to be good.

I assure you, you won't see
anything like it again.

Great, inn't it?

I didn't expect a crowd like this.

- We'll be sold out soon.
- Thanks for helping, Con.

Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for anything.

You can't say I haven't
worked for it.

No, you're going to get
everything you deserve.

I've got to get up
to the theatre now.

Just make sure all this money
is locked up nice and safe.

- Oh, I'll take good care of it.
- That's my girl.

You'd better keep your eye on that
lot. We don't want any trouble.

Don't worry, sir. None of
them will get past us.

Good lad.

Yes?

Excuse me, I'm looking for
Paula... Miss Patricia Potter.

All right, darling, I'll
come out. Just a tick.

- Enjoying the view?
- Oh, sorry.

What is it, darling?

Paula, I don't want you
to take part in this.

But, darling, I'm enjoying
it. And I might even win.

I can't help it. I can't
stand the thought of

those people leering and
mentally undressing you.

They won't have to strain
their mentality much.

You're not going
out there in that?

Don't you think it's suitable?

Suitable? You're showing
your... button.

- My what?
- Your button. That.

Oh. Is that bad?

Don't you know there
are certain things

a woman just doesn't
show in public?

But I didn't think that was one of
them. My mother always told me...

I don't care. You're not going
out there and that's that.

Peter, you don't own me.

I damn well do. When
people meet my wife,

they'll say, "There's the
woman with the button".

Yes, darling. Let's see now...

How would it be if I wore
this bit down there?

Well, that might...

Darling, I'm going to marry you.

Don't worry, darling. I'll try and
find something more respectable.

Sun Ray to A Able.

Commence Operation Nobble.

Roger and out.

Five minutes, girls.

Excuse me.

Are you going to wear your own?

Yeah, I like it, actually.

It makes you look
younger. Doesn't it?

All right, Fred. All I
want from you is a few

well-chosen words to start
the whole thing off.

Yes, I had thought of
something along these lines:

"Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen..."

Great, that's just enough.

- Excuse me.
- Are you going to wish me luck?

- You won't need it, darling.
- You reckon?

I know. I'll speak to the
judges. They're mates.

- You great big stupid ape.
- What's the matter?

You think you can go
through life fixing

things, even me. Well,
you're dead wrong.

If I do win, it'll be
without any help from you.

Wait a minute. Come here.

Don't you see? I'm trying to
do something nice for you.

Well, if you want to do
something nice, wish me luck.

I do, but even luck
needs a bit of a shove.

You'll never change, will you? No,
Sid, but thanks all the same.

All right, good luck.

Do you mind? This is private.

This is the ladies' cloakroom.

Oh, Gawd.

Good afternoon, madam.

And although this venture
has not been welcomed

by some of our more
retrogressive residents,

I venture to say...

nay, nay...

I more than venture,

I proudly say...

I proudly say... what?

- Ready? I'll introduce you.
- Not quite yet.

All right, Fred.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this. The very first
Miss Fircombe beauty contest.

I am highly delighted
to be able to tell you

that all the contestants
you will see today

represent the very cream
of their profession.

Cream, let me say, that comes in
the most magnificent containers.

Thank you. Before
we go any further,

I'd like you to meet
the man who has given

unstintingly of his
time to Fircombe,

your own distinguished mayor,

Alderman Bumble.

Clear my throat.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get 'em off.

Get 'em off. Bumble.

That's your lot, Fred.
Don't overdo it.

It gives me great
pleasure to be here...

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for you to meet our
distinguished panel of judges,

who have given their
services entirely free.

First of all, we have
Miss Carlotta Strong,

principal of the Fircombe
School of Dancing.

Miss Charleston 1932.

Second, Mr Alf Foggett,
landlord of the Royal Oak.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen,

none other than Mr Roger Tipson.

Your own borough
sanitary engineer.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, now comes

the moment you've all
been waiting for,

the grand parade of all
our lovely contestants,

introduced to you
by Mr Peter Potter.

Our first contestant
this afternoon

is a young lady who is the present

holder of the title
Miss Dairy Queen...

Dawn Breaks.

Reminds me of HMS Bristol.

Thank you, Dawn.

Next a young lady who is
a late but nonetheless

very welcome entrant
to the contest...

Miss Patricia Potter.

By Jove.

Thank you, Miss Potter.

Third, we have a very
popular young lady,

who is the current
holder of the title

Miss Easy Rider... Hope Springs.

What's the matter?
Has she got fleas?

They all have.

Well done, Section A.

Get the next one on quick.

Contestant number four,

Geraldine Payne.

Section B, commence downfall.

Roger.

That's more like it.

What's happening here?

And now for a lady from bonny...

land, Miss Susan Brooks.

Oh, my God. Get the
rest of them on quick.

Miss Eileen Denby.

Miss Maureen...

- A-choo.
- Aagh.

Miss Gloria Grimes.

Miss Melanie... Parker.

Miss Frances Dent.

Miss...

Sun Ray to all sections.

Commence Cloudburst.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

There is no need to panic. If
you'll all try and keep your feet,

we will endeavour to find
out what has gone wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

This is your mayor
speaking to you.

I know how terribly
disappointed you must all be,

but we mustn't let it get us down.

Man the pumps. Abandon ship.

It's all right,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Keep your seats.
- It's a swindle.

There's Fiddler. Come
on, let's get him.

All right. Goodbye.

There he is.

Look out, he's gone raving mad.

Sid, wait for me.

"Thanks, Sid, this will pay for
all my hotel damages. Connie.

Love."

Love? The crooked old cow.

Stop.

There's another one. Hey.

- Sid, wait for me.
- Stop that woman.

Stop them.

Somebody stop those two.

Not bloody likely.