Carry on Emmannuelle (1978) - full transcript

♪ There's a woman in my life ♪

♪ Who doesn't care for a thing ♪

♪ She don't wanna go out dancing ♪

♪ She just loves to stay in ♪

♪ She just cares

about good loving ♪

♪ Never leaves me alone ♪

♪ If I'm not prepared for action ♪

♪ She goes out on her own ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard ♪

♪ I just don't wanna go home ♪

♪ If the feeling ever takes her ♪

♪ She don't care where we are ♪

♪ It's good loving in the disco ♪

♪ It's good loving in the car ♪

Madam... champagne?

Or is there anything madam would?

Steward?

Steward?

Are you coming?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

♪ I wish the woman liked dancing ♪

♪ I wish she played the guitar ♪

♪ I'd like to teach

her a new game ♪

♪ I feel a bit under par ♪

♪ I wish she played the piano ♪

♪ Before my knees hit the floor ♪

♪ I've got to get

her to slow down ♪

♪ I think I've had it for sure ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave

it all alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard ♪

♪ I just don't wanna go home ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I thought it was vacant.

Oh, my God.

I think I'd better go.

How do you do? How do you

do? Yes. My name's er...

Theodore Valentine.

You know, when the flight's over,

you must come and

have tea with me.

You'd love Mother.

She'd... she'd love you.

She... she's very...

Mother makes me wear

them. The weather...

Ooh.

My glasses. Where...

Oh, crikey.

Mummy. Ooh.

What is the purpose of your

visit to the United Kingdom?

I beg your pardon? I'm still

deaf from the flying.

We are having to be

very careful who we

are letting into this

country, you know.

How did you get in?

Oh, blimey. I'm totally British.

May I have the question

again, please?

What is the purpose of your

visit to the United Kingdom?

To make ze friends,

with ze British.

Is the purpose of your visit

business or pleasure?

Pleasure, definitely.

Ah, then you are

here as a tourist?

I'm being reunited with my

husband after a long separation.

Where is your husband now?

He's probably in the bath.

No, no. I mean, is he already

in the United Kingdom?

Oh, yes. For a long time.

And how long do you

intend to stay?

With my husband?

No, in our United Kingdom?

Does it matter? I

am an EEC citizen.

What are you going

to be doing here?

A little bit of this,

and a little bit of that.

Oh, please. You must

not be doing that.

You are giving me

naughty thoughts.

Good.

Er, will you be

seeking employment?

I hope not.

What is your husband's occupation?

I am.

Oh, dearie me. How does

he earn his living?

Ah, yes. In the service

of his country.

Could you be more

explicit, please?

Oh, yes, Monsieur.

I can be very explicit.

About your husband.

He is a very...

How you say?

High-up man.

Is he important?

Not impotent.

He has... other interests.

What is his position?

It varies.

What is his profession

or calling, please?

He is ambassador.

Oh, yes. I am

definitely developing.

My ribs are rippling.

My pectorals are

positively pumping.

And my thorax is throbbing.

I must get some stronger elastic.

- Can I help you?

- I am your mistress.

Oh, my God.

I knew she'd catch up with me

one day. It's my own fault.

Wait a minute. What

am I talking about?

I haven't got a mistress.

I don't have a mistress.

- You have now.

- I repeat, how can I help you?

Well, to begin with,

you can tell the

ambassador that his wife is here.

Where?

Here. I am here.

Are you sure?

I'm positive I'm sure.

I didn't know the

ambassador had a wife.

Now you know.

Madam.

Emmannuelle. Oh, what

a wonderful surprise.

I was not expecting you today.

Otherwise I would have been

at the airport to meet you.

You must forgive my masculine

odour. I have been pumping iron.

What is that?

Er, weightlifting.

Still the same... athletic Emile.

A flabby ambassador with

a derriere in pleats

is no advertisement for

his country. But you...

You, you haven't changed.

I flew Concorde to surprise you.

Ah, la belle Concorde.

How I love that long nose. So

phallic. So Francophallic.

Ah, that reminds me.

You have not met my wonderful

English butler, Loins.

Loins, this is my

wife Emmannuelle.

She has been travelling all around

the world and other places.

Cherie, Loins.

His Excellency meant Lyons,

madam. My name is Lyons.

I prefer Loins.

Likewise, madam.

May I take your coat?

Come. Now I'm going to show you

all over the houses.

Emmannuelle, you're naked.

Sacre bleu. I forgot I

wasn't wearing a dress.

- You're a naughty butler, Loins.

- Yeah...

Yes, madam.

Yes, I think that

is more appropriate

for the wife of an ambassador.

Phwoar.

Who was that, Lyons?

That, Mrs Dangle, is

the new mistress.

Oh, fancy.

Things might start looking up.

I shouldn't be at all surprised.

Hey, who was that?

Richmond, that was

the new mistress.

Fancy that. Things ought

to start looking up.

I have missed you, Emile.

And I you, my love.

But don't forget our

little arrangement

still stands. As long

as you don't object

to my body building,

I don't object to

you finding your

pleasures elsewhere.

And... what if I should

seek my pleasures with you?

Oh, no. I can't spare

a drop of adrenaline.

You must think of me

as a last resort.

Don't you want me

just a little bit?

Yes, just a little bit.

Show me how good you

are at weightlifting.

Lift me over your shoulders

and carry me over to the bed.

Are you mad?

I've not yet learnt how

to do a snatch and press.

Besides, I have a meeting with

the Foreign Minister shortly.

And I have a meeting

with the ambassador now.

I have an appointment.

We haven't made love since Paris,

before you were posted here.

- Oh, surely it's not that long.

- It's long enough.

Ooh.

Come, bury your head in my bosom.

No, no. I should have to

keep coming up for air.

I am in the mood

for playing games.

- Try badminton, hockey, bowls.

- Bowls?

Yes, bowls. The

English are mad about

bowls. Tennis bowl, volley-bowl.

Foot-bowl. All kinds of b...

Excuse me, sir. I hope

I'm not intruding.

No, no, no. We were

just discussing bowls.

Bowls?

I was having a work-up. I mean

I was getting worked out.

Having a work-out.

Yes. Will there be only fourteen

guests for dinner

this evening, sir?

Fourteen, yes. That is correct.

Then I shall inform Mrs Dangle.

Come and lie with me, Emile.

No, I must finish my exercises.

I can give you much

nicer exercises.

No.

- I am all hot for you.

- Well, have a cold shower.

That's what you said last

time and look what happened.

Oh, yes. I couldn't

find the stopcock.

- Caught you.

- Oh, it's you.

It is not nice to peep

through keyholes.

Sorry.

You are very rude.

Gordon Bennett. They're

having a phonographic orgy.

- Lift up your arms.

- What for?

Up, up, up.

But I don't understand.

Why should I lift?

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

- No, no, no.

- Don't be shy, cheri.

I'm not shy, I'm circumspect.

Come on. Don't make a

meal of it. It's my turn.

- But you are trembling.

- Yes, of course, I'm cold.

I'll warm you up.

Oh, but why me? You can

have Tom, Dick or Harry.

- I don't want Tom or Harry.

- Oh.

She's got him in a leg lock.

Well, I used to do that

when Henry was alive.

I'm sure you didn't do

it after he was dead.

- Here, what's he doing?

- Heavy breathing.

Ooh.

Oh, Richmond, I think you

should have a look at this.

Do you think he ought

to at his age?

It might jog his memory.

Here, what am I going to see?

Well, it won't be the Muppet Show.

Is it... is it Starsky And Hutch?

If you ask me, it's more

like Starkers And Crutch.

Hello, hello, hello.

What's all this, then?

- It's what the butler saw.

- Here. They're at it.

At what?

Here, hold my hat.

Come on. Get off.

- Turn over.

- No, no, I don't like.

- Emile, I am a woman.

- Yes, so I've noticed.

I am your wife. You

should not hide from me.

There's not much to hide.

Snow White meets the

incredible shrinking man.

I will make you love me if

it's the last thing I do.

Aargh.

I think she's knackered him.

Come on. Back on the job.

Get off.

- What is the matter?

- You've broken it.

Oh la la. Turn over and

let me have a look.

No, no, not that. My

back. I can't move.

- It's probably just cramp.

- No, no. I'm in agony.

Straighten your legs.

I can't straighten anything.

I'm completely bent.

- Bend back your toes.

- I caaan't... Oh.

- Don't panic.

- I can't panic, either.

Just lie still.

What else do you think I'm

doing, you stupid fool?

I give up. I'm going to get

changed and I'm going out.

What for?

I want Leyland to drive

me around London.

But what about me?

Don't worry, my dear.

I'm sure you'll

soon be feeling yourself again.

Is that you, Theodore?

Who were you expecting?

General Amin?

I've warmed your slippers.

They're in the oven.

Thank you.

Warmed them? You've roasted them.

Oh, Mother, I do wish you

wouldn't fuss over me so.

It's no trouble at all. I

do it for your arthritis.

- I've never had arthritis.

- There you are. It works.

Have you had your vitamin

C tablet this morning?

Yes, Mother.

And your vitamin B tablet?

- Yes, Mother.

- And your halibut oil capsule?

Yes. I've had so many pills,

I'll soon need a stomach pump.

Prevention is better than cure.

Dr Jones said to me,

"Mrs Valentine,

your son Theodore

is very delicate."

With respect, Mother, when he

said it, I was six months old.

He's a very clever

doctor, Dr Jones.

If you were at death's door,

he'd pull you through.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Theodore, you're

sickening for something.

Mother, come and sit down.

I want to talk to you.

Very well.

Now then, what shall

we talk about?

Mother, I've met someone

that's very dear to me.

Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?

No, Mother. I've met this girl.

This wonderful girl.

Don't be silly. There's

no such thing.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, nonsense. You're

far too young.

I'm thirty-four, and a half.

But you've got your whole

life in front of you.

You don't want to fritter it

away on some slip of a girl.

But, Mother, she's exquisite.

I know you'd like her.

I wouldn't count on it, dear.

I'm going to marry her.

Nonsense. I'll never

give you my permission.

I don't need your

permission, Mother.

You're just like your father.

He went off with some

slip of a girl and

he never got my

permission, either.

This your first time

in London, is it?

Well, keep your ears peeled,

cos little old Leyland here's

gonna give you the grand tour.

And why not? After all, I've

lived here all my life,

even before I was born.

And believe me, no one

knows better than I do

this is the greatest

city in the world.

If you're feeling lonely,

why don't you come up here?

No? Oh, well. It ain't compulsory.

Now up here you see

is Oxford Street.

That's where the tourists

come to do their shoplifting.

Oh, God. Laugh-a-minute Leyland,

they call me, up the morgue.

Look, love. You can see a

lot better from up here.

Ah, well, perhaps I should

put it on automatic

pilot and come back

there with you.

Cos I'm driving you now, you

know, in a Daimler pervertible.

The hood doesn't go down,

but the chauffeur does.

Well, we're heading for

Downing Street now, No.10.

You've heard of that?

Cos not many people

know that No.12 Downing

Street is the office of

the government whips.

If you like that sort of thing.

I'm feeling very hot.

Yeah. I'm getting a

bit warm myself.

Ah, now there's a sight to warm

the cockles, Trafalgar Square.

And there it is, an

inspiration to mankind.

Nelson's Column.

Lady Hamilton had it built

to remember him by.

Mind you, with a column like that,

how could she forget him?

It never fails.

Next time round, I

think I'll start here.

Thank you, Lady Hamilton.

I want to see the

guards getting changed.

They are very...

sexy, these guards.

When they get a butcher's at

you, you'd better be on guard.

What is the matter with them?

They never even looked at me.

Well, they're not allowed

to, not on duty.

You could strip off in front

of one of them guards,

and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

We shall see about that.

Drive me to St James's

Palace, Leyland.

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard I

just don't want to go home ♪

♪ If the feeling ever takes her ♪

♪ She don't care where we are ♪

♪ It's good loving in the disco ♪

♪ It's good loving in the car ♪

♪ But if I don't keep her happy ♪

♪ She would leave me, she would ♪

♪ So I got to hang on in there ♪

♪ Hang on in there,

hang on in there ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave

it all alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy

she's out on her own ♪

Hello there, ducky.

Emmannuelle. I hope

you're going to

wear something under that dress.

Oh, yes. Chanel ¹5.

No, no. Tonight you

must be respectable.

You must be on your

best behaviour.

Everything you say and do will

reflect on our beloved Republic.

But this is the latest from

Paris. It shows style.

It shows more than that. It shows

everything you've

got. Well, almost.

- Why's that so terrible?

- It's not nice.

How would you like

it if men were to

walk about in

see-through trousers?

I would like this very much.

There is nothing

wrong with the body.

There is no need to flash

it all over the place.

I think we should all go round

naked. We'd all be much healthier.

- We'd all be in bed with the flu.

- Nudity is perfectly natural.

No, no. Even Adam and

Eve had a fig leaf.

You must dress in a

way that is befitting

for the wife of an ambassador.

Especially in view of our

distinguished guests,

the Prime Minister,

the Metropolitan

Commissioner of Police,

the ambassador for the

United States of America,

Excuse me.

Field Marshal Hune,

Chief of Staff,

the Arabian ambassador.

The Lord Chief Justice

of the Appeals

Court and Master of the Rolls,

Admiral, sir John Hardiner,

not to mention all their

distinguished wives.

- How do you do?

- Not very often, I'm afraid.

Too much bench, not enough wench.

I will say my wife is a

better diplomat than I am.

Yes, I have it off with everybody.

Hit. Hit it off.

She means she hit it

off with everybody.

Ah, yes. And what were you doing

in the Far East, my dear?

Oh, nothing much.

Sleeping around, mostly.

Er... she means sleeping around

in many parts of the world.

Has it ever occurred to you

how easy it would be at

an occasion such as this

to assassinate your husband?

Assassinate my husband?

Who would want to do that?

I would be more concerned

about the method.

But...

How could anyone do such a

thing here at the table?

Easily. A weapon could

be concealed in a man's

belt or in a holster

strapped to his leg.

A lady could have a

gun under her skirt.

Merde.

Assassinate my husband.

That is more appropriate.

Oh, I've dropped my earring.

May I help, my dear?

No. Oh, no, no. It's

ok. I can manage.

Thank you.

The cost of living

must be brought down.

Oh, I agree.

Everything's going up these days.

You're so right.

The wheel has...

turned full circle

in my country now there's a...

definite trend towards the

swing against the backlash.

Thank you.

I didn't say anything.

In my country, it is the duty of

women to give pleasure to men.

I'm glad you agree.

Tell me, Admiral,

how do you enjoy the Navy?

Frankly, I can't stand the

sea. It makes me bloody sick.

Anything wrong?

On the contrary.

Ooh, my goodness. What

are you doing here?

I'm looking for a weapon.

Oh. You won't find one here.

- I'm trying to protect you.

- Protect me?

I decided to get to know my

husband's friends a little...

How you might say?

Better.

I was satisfied.

None of them had a

weapon to worry about.

These have arrived for you, madam.

Oh, they're lovely.

They most certainly are, madam.

"To my darling

adorable Emmannuelle.

With all my love, Theodore."

Loins, who is Theodore?

I haven't the slightest

idea, madam.

I don't know any Theodores.

Oh, well. I always

forget their names long

before I forget the

important things.

Tell me, Loins.

Do you, er...

believe in free love?

Anything free appeals

to me, madam.

And... do I appeal to you?

Yes, madam.

Oh, Loins, you English

are so frigid.

Perhaps not so.

After all, they do say the proof

of the pudding is in the eating.

In the... eating?

Yes, madam.

Are you hungry, Loins?

I think I could manage

a little nibble.

Coffee?

Pardon?

Are you for coffee?

No, thanks. I'm staying

here. I'd like coffee.

Yeah. He's in a world

of his own, you know.

He hasn't been the same since

he looked through that keyhole.

- I think it's disgusting.

- What? Having it off?

Oh, don't be so crude. You men

are all the same, sex mad.

Yeah, and proud of it. Richmond?

- Pardon?

- Sex.

No, thanks. I'd rather

have some coffee.

Ah, coffee.

Oh, here we are.

Here, me and Mrs

Dangle, we've just

been talking about having it off.

Rather you than me.

No, not together, you berk.

You've been a long time just

taking up a bunch of flowers.

What have you been up to?

Er, nothing at all, really. Just a

little intelligent conversation.

Loins, you forgot these.

You randy old retainer.

Could I have a cup of coffee?

You can have anything

you want, madam.

Aye aye. You've started

his motor running. Look.

Steady on, Richmond.

It's not proper, you

being down below stairs.

Why not? We are all human beings.

There should be no

class distinction.

I believe in brotherly love.

Here, that's incest.

Love is the most important

thing in the world.

Not to me, it isn't.

That's because you've

forgotten what

it's like to be loved by a man.

To feel the warmth of his body

next to yours,

to feel his hot

kisses on your lips.

You've started him off again.

We'll have to start putting

bromide in his coffee.

Making love is

wonderful. You cannot

be angry when you're making love.

Can't we talk about

something else?

Oh, no, it's good to

talk about it. It's

important to get things

off your breast.

Now, I will tell you

what we are going to do.

We will all describe our most

unusual amorous experience.

I couldn't possibly do that.

Oh, yes, you can. It will

release your repressions.

Who is going first?

I'll go first.

Leyland.

Very well, Leyland.

You have the floor.

Face down, I hope.

My most unusual experience

occurred one warm balmy

evening last spring

when this young

man's fancy lightly

turned to thoughts of lust.

Ooh, you fancy young men, do you?

Mrs Dangle.

Feeling in the need of company,

I transported myself

to my favourite pub,

the Tit And Sparrow

up Camden Passage.

It took me but a pint

to make contact with

a beauteous chickie

of the female gender

what would turn any

civilised man into a beast.

Despite my natural shy

reluctance, she was insistent

to the point of desperation.

She whisked me off to her

luxury flat in Mayfair.

Where to say her intentions were

dishonourable would

be an understatement.

No sooner did we reach her

lavishly furnished penthouse

with the chandelier poised

gracefully over the nuptial couch,

she removes my garmentation

in a flash.

Whisks me between the sheets.

I was about to

satisfy herself with

my irresistible

masculinity, when...

Oh, my husband.

Her husband.

I shan't tell you

exactly what happened

when she joined me in the closet.

The details... are too

pornographic, even for you lot.

Suffice to say that,

despite the cramped confines,

we achieved mutual satisfaction.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. My hangers.

It seems the lady had

an unusual hang-up.

She can only make

love in a closet,

standing up.

She always arranged it that way.

I found out later she was known as

the Closet Queen of Camden Town.

Richmond, you can go next.

Oh, thanks.

No, no. After all, he never

gets a word in edgewise.

He'd be lucky to get anything

in, edgewise or otherwise,

- if you ask me.

- We didn't.

- Richmond.

- Yeah?

I...

I'm not sure that I can

remember all the details.

Oh, come on.

Tell us your most

amorous escapade.

It's that far back,

he won't remember.

Oh, yes, I do.

It was during the war,

when I was in the army.

Oh, those were dark days.

You never knew which minute

was going to be your last.

You had to live dangerously,

and make every moment count.

I went to France to

fight the enemy.

Ah. I surrender.

Dans Les Bois, avec moi.

Avec what?

Oh, God.

It's never like this in Putney.

Ah. Ah, I surrender again. Ah.

Komm.

Hands hoch, in the

name of the Reich.

Not you, Fraulein.

The British soldier.

Kurt, take ze prisoner away.

Now, Fraulein, you are quite safe.

Oh, thank you.

You are a fine-looking woman.

Oh, naughty, naughty.

- I like you.

- Oh, cheeky.

- I am going to have you.

- No, no, you're not.

Yes, I am. I need to

caress a beautiful woman.

You're going to get a hell

of a shock if you do.

Come, I want to have you.

Gott im Himmel.

Englische Schweinhund.

Yes, my daughter?

The Germans are after me, Father.

Oh, mon Dieu. Don't

worry, my child. You

can stay here for as

long as you like.

Yes? Where will I sleep?

My niece won't mind

you sharing her room.

- Your niece? But...

- Colette?

Non, it's impo... possible.

Come along, my child.

For what I am about to receive...

thanks.

And I stayed there till 1953.

Just a minute.

The war ended in 1945.

I was in no hurry.

Loins. Now it's your turn.

Well, my most unusual

amorous experience,

believe it or not,

took place at the zoo.

Went to see his relatives.

Come on, Loins. Tell

us about the zoo.

Well, it was a lovely day.

And all around me

there was evidence

that spring was in the air.

What's the matter?

Come here, darling.

Let me out.

Help.

Here, did you get anything?

Pneumonia.

Mrs Dangle, your turn.

Very well.

I shall reveal everything.

Well, if you're going

to strip, I'm going.

Sit down.

My most unusual experience

happened in a launderette.

As anyone knows,

launderettes are better

than pubs if you're

after a pick-up.

I didn't know that.

If you ever get around to washing

your clothes, you'll find out.

Now, this particular

day, the place was full.

Unattached people.

Course, you get all

types in there.

But then, I prefer all types

to other types.

Through long experience,

and if there's one

thing I've had more

than anything else,

it's experience,

all you do,

if you're on the make, is

you say something like,

Excuse me, dear, can I

borrow some of your suds?

And if that doesn't work, you say,

My, but you've got

some saucy underpants.

But despite my unusual

attractiveness

and highly reclaimed sex appeal

that day didn't get off to

a very promising start.

But sometimes,

when you least expect it,

you see a stranger across

a crowded launderette.

♪ Striptease instrumental ♪

I knew, when I first laid

my eyes on his Y-fronts,

I knew...

that he

was the one.

Thank you, Mrs Dangle,

for a most unbelievable

experience.

And now I think it's

time for you, madam.

- Hear, hear.

- Hear, hear.

Well, I fear, in comparison,

mine may seem rather dull.

I really don't have

your imagination.

Why, don't you

believe it, darling.

They'll be queuing up for

the film rights to yours.

Well, all right.

My most unusual amorous affair,

you may find it hard to believe,

was with my husband.

He has not always been

the man you know.

Not very long ago,

he was one of the

dashing young sons

of la belle France,

with an appetite for the exotic

amour almost equal to my own.

We made love in

wild, crazy places,

beautifully,

elementally, in the air.

It was all so wonderful,

so dangerous.

Hemingway said, "To

make love beautifully

is to die a little each time."

Unfortunately, Emile

very soon saw the point.

Aargh.

Aaargh.

Poor Emile.

But now I think we all understand

the master's shortcomings.

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

Pardon me, madam, there's a young

man who wishes to see you.

Does he have a name?

I believe he said

Theodore Valentine.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's the one I don't remember.

Quite, madam.

Oh, well, better

keep him waiting a

moment while I make

myself respectable.

There, that should do it.

I do wish you wouldn't lie about

in this abandoned fashion.

It's not good for the

servants to see you topless.

- I've had no complaints.

- No, you are bold.

I've never seen anyone so bold.

Ah, why don't you stay here

and we can be bold together?

No, I haven't time.

I have a meeting

with the Minister

of Foreign Affairs.

Oh, him?

He doesn't have any affairs.

That's his problem.

Unlike you, I don't

judge everyone by the

amount of dilly-dallying

they get up to.

You're always too busy

to do the things I like.

I'm sure you don't need me to

help you do the things you like.

But I like doing the

things I like with

you, as well as

with others I like.

Sooner or later, you are

going to ruin our marriage

if you insist on trying to drag

me into your silly amours.

And for goodness' sake,

cover yourself up.

Tell her to cover herself up.

Emmannuelle?

Yes, Monsieur.

It's me, Theodore.

Don't you remember me?

Non.

But you haven't looked at me yet.

I don't recognise your voice.

Look at me.

Well?

You look familiar.

Concorde.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

That was very funny.

I didn't think so.

Didn't you? Well, I mean...

Wasn't it... good?

Well, it was...

different.

Didn't it mean anything to you?

Oh, yes. I will always

fly Concorde in future.

Since that wonderful

night, I haven't

slept, or eaten, or

even cleaned my teeth.

You don't need to clean your

teeth if you haven't eaten.

I have fallen in love.

Oh, you poor boy.

Who with?

Who do you think?

Is it anyone I know?

It's you, of course.

Oh.

I say, I've never felt like this

about anyone before, not even...

not even my own mother.

Emmannuelle,

I want to marry you.

Oh, I'm done. Shower time.

Oh, no.

Oh.

You may enter, Monsieur Concorde.

Did you hear what I said?

I want to marry you.

If you want to marry me, you

will have to ask my husband.

But I don't want to

marry your husband.

I should hope not.

Do you love him?

- Sometimes.

- You don't sound sure.

Oh, yes. I'm sure I

love him sometimes.

Well, will you be prepared

to leave him for me?

Certainly not. Not

for you or anyone.

Why did you give yourself to

me like that in the Concorde?

You mustn't think that

because I made love to you

that you are entitled

to any landing rights.

- I think I'd better go.

- Oh, you can stay if you wish.

I have a free morning.

My towel, please.

Now, look, I shall never

make love to you again

until you promise your

undying love for me.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

You can't tempt me again.

No?

Keep away from me.

- You said you love me.

- Yes, but I do.

Show me.

Theodore.

Oh, Theodore, you

have wet yourself.

There we are, darling.

All tucked in.

Nice and clean. Night-night.

Night-night, Mummy.

What are we going to dream

about tonight, darling?

Not her.

Why not?

Well, she'll only

bring you trouble.

Yes.

Have you dreamt about her before?

Yes, often, night and day.

Oh, you are in a state.

- I dreamt about her last night.

- Did you?

No, she wouldn't let me.

I must ring Dr Jones.

What can he do?

Well, he can give you an

injection or... something.

What for?

- Well, for whatever you've got.

- I like what I've got.

Well, I don't.

And I'm going to do

something about it.

Night-night, darling.

Now it's time for your afternoon

body-building session

with Harry Hernia.

Now, this afternoon,

I'm gonna show you

how to build up your

stomach muscles.

I don't think I got any.

Are you ready?

I am all yours, Harry.

- You're at it again.

- So is he, listen.

Let's all lie down on the floor.

Ooh, it's very hard.

Now, raise your legs in the air.

Ooh, no, I feel it.

- Who's he got in there?

- I don't know. I can't see.

Loins.

What are you doing?

Er, I was just tying

my shoelace, madam.

Yes, and I was helping him.

But, Loins, your

shoes have no laces.

Oh, I...

Madam, I...

I'm back.

Ah, yes, dear.

It's warm out.

You don't care what I do.

Today...

Today I made love to 14 soldiers,

21 sailors, and 16 airmen.

The Prime Minister announced

that the morale of the defence

forces has never been higher.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Why haven't your muscles

- developed like that?

- They will, eventually.

You'll never match

that gorgeous hunk.

I don't expect to match him.

That's Harry Hernia. He has

the most highly developed

rectus femoris in the

whole of Britain.

Has he?

Bye-bye this afternoon, and

don't forget your exercises.

Tonight they are going

to proclaim him

Mr Super Muscle.

Do you know him?

Of course. Yes. I have lessons

from him in pumping iron.

I think I would like to meet him.

Whatever for?

Body building.

- Where do you sleep?

- On the mat.

- Where do you sit?

- Sitting's bad for the posture.

You either stand,

squat, or lie down.

- Mind if I squat?

- Surely.

- Want something?

- Depends what you have in mind.

Drink, maybe.

Maybe.

Ok.

Oxo or Bovril?

Don't you have something else?

Sure. How about a glass of milk?

No, thank you.

What do you want to do?

Depends what you... have in mind.

A work-out, maybe.

- A work-out?

- Sure.

What do you want me to do first?

Now come on, lady, let's

take your clothes off.

Oh, can you help me with the zip?

Why, sure. Now let me

get my things off.

Can I help you?

I can manage.

Now take a look at this.

It's a beaut? What do

you think of that?

Incroyable. I've never

seen anything that big.

Now let's have a look at you.

Well, what's the verdict?

You definitely need

more exercises.

How about making love?

Very good exercise.

Builds up your lumber, and

your rectus abdominus.

But it's off my

training programme.

- Oh, that's a pity.

- Sorry, darling.

It's the Mr Muscles

contest and I want

to win that title before I retire.

That'll make it a hat trick.

I'm determined to

go out with a bang.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Ambassador's residence.

Well, I'm sure that madam

is asleep right now.

Very well, sir. Are

you sure it's urgent?

Yes, well, hold on

one moment, please.

Madam?

Madam?

Wake up, madam. There

is a call for you.

Madam, wake up, please.

He says it's urgent.

Who is that?

Ah, Loins.

What is it?

A phone call.

I believe it's a gentleman friend.

Tell him I'm out.

He already knows that

you're in, madam.

Take a message.

I did.

What was it?

He says that he wants

to speak to you.

Allo?

- Who is this?

- It's me.

Theodore. Are you alone?

- I'm in bed.

- Yes, but are you alone?

What do you want?

- I had to ring you.

- Why?

Because... I want to tell

you that I love you.

You love me?

Oh, Loins.

- Pardon? What did you say?

- Oh, nothing.

I love you.

Theodore, you don't fall in

love with someone like me.

Why not?

It's out of character.

Ooh.

Loins.

- Loins? You called me Loins.

- I didn't call you Loins.

I called Loins Loins.

Is Loins... Is Lyons

in bed with you?

Ah, no. He's just a

butler. Don't be silly.

He brought me a cup of tea.

I want you to promise

me to give up all

those men and come

and live with me.

And Mother.

He wants me to promise to

give up all those other men

and come and live with

him... and Mother.

I don't think that's

a very good idea.

- Why not?

- I'm happy where I am.

How can you say that?

Nobody loves you like I do.

You're not in a

position to refuse.

I'm in a position to

do anything I want.

If you don't do

what I ask, I shall

be forced to do something drastic.

Now you're laughing at me again.

Goodbye, Theodore.

Don't call us.

We'll call you.

Oh, come on, Loins.

It's time to get up.

Very well, madam.

Emmannuelle, come

along. You know that...

Emmannuelle, what on

earth are you wearing?

You're the one who's

always complaining

about me walking around uncovered.

I was hoping you would be ready.

I am, cheri. I'm always ready.

Let's go into the library.

Yes... I don't want to go into

the library to read books.

Neither do I.

We are supposed to be attending

an official function.

I don't want to go to

your function. I do not

like your functions.

They are all boring.

This is a football match.

I am to present a cup.

A football match, with all those

young, healthy men

with big thighs?

But if you don't want to

go, I can't make you.

Oh, give me time to get changed.

What kept you?

Get out there, quick.

Oi.

Come on. Get out. You're on.

Where are the players?

- Allo?

- Hello, Harry Hernia here.

Remember the other night?

Well, my trainer says

it's ok until Friday,

so how about it?

- Where are you?

- I'll meet you in ten minutes

outside your garden gate.

Oh la la, Harry.

I know you are a big man,

but this is ridiculous.

Move.

Must I? It's very nice like this.

Get in.

Start the car.

Theodore, what is this all about?

How do you know it's me?

Start the car.

I will not. I'm going

to have dinner with

my husband and the

Foreign Secretary.

They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.

That's crazy. My husband wouldn't

give you one franc to get me back.

Not for ransom. I'm

making you my prisoner.

I'm going to keep you to myself.

That's ridiculous.

I warn you. I'm

desperate. Start the car.

Non.

- Why not?

- I can't drive.

Oh, God. Why didn't you tell me?

- You didn't ask me.

- Change over.

Go on.

Oh. Oo-hoo.

It was worse on the Concorde.

If you wanted to

kidnap me properly,

you should have sneaked into my

bedroom in the

middle of the night,

chloroformed me,

and carried me over your

back to the car in a sack.

I thought of that, only

I've got a bad back.

- You can't drive with one hand.

- Yes, I can.

Theodore.

- You're not going to kidnap me.

- I am.

Aargh.

- I don't think so.

- I can't drive lying down.

Who is talking about driving?

Ah, there, now don't. No, stop.

Don't.

Stop.

Don't stop.

Oh, Emmannuelle, you're

making it very hard for me.

Emmannuelle, I may

have to do something

ruthless to bring

you to your senses.

My editor won't be interested

if it's not authentic.

It's authentic, all

right. I've got

the pictures here to prove it.

Well, now, what else has

this broad been up to?

It's all down there.

What's that?

Blimey. And that was with

the chauffeur, right?

Yeah, that's right.

We'll need substantiation

before we can run this.

I've got everything, photographs,

names, places, dates.

And all on affidavits.

Foreplay with the butler.

Did you use a wide-angle

lens on this?

I certainly did.

Aha. Menage a trois

with a Soviet ambassador and a

KGB man at the Soviet embassy.

Sounds like a case of

"reds on the bed".

Algolagnia with the

Minister of Sport.

- What's that?

- I don't know. Here...

Algo... algolagnia...

Spanking. Here, you should know

about that, you old devil.

When it used to happen

to me, I didn't

know you were

supposed to enjoy it.

Theodore,

what does "coitus interruptus

with the Prime Minister" mean?

It means, Mother, that the Prime

Minister's a very busy man.

Pygmalionism: amorous attraction

directed towards a statue.

Stone the pigeons.

What next?

Accepted her punishment from

the Lord Chief Justice.

A bit of habeas corpus with

the police commissioner.

Played strip Monopoly with the

chairman of the Bank of England,

and got herself in a very united

state with the

American ambassador.

Let me have a look.

I haven't got my glasses.

Aphrodite callipygous

with the guest

conductor of the Royal

Symphony Orchestra.

- Aphrodite calli... callipygous.

- It's all Greek to me.

It says, "Scopophilia is the

more urgent form of voyeurism."

The need to watch others undress.

Blimey, I've had that for years.

Not with an entire football team.

No, I'm a rugby man, mate.

Different shaped balls.

Because of his wife's alleged

misconduct in high places,

the President of the

Republic has indicated

that the ambassador

may be dismissed.

Because of the allegations,

the Soviet ambassador

sought political

asylum in the Soviet

Union... I beg your

pardon. That should read,

"The Soviet ambassador

today was sent to

a political asylum in

the Soviet Union."

The Prime Minister said today,

"There's nothing to deny.

What good is proof

without the evidence?"

The American ambassador said,

"Why don't you off and

mind your own business?"

- Will you all stand back?

- Could you move back?

Move back, please, sir. Thank you.

Where's the ambassador?

- Where's Emmannuelle?

- Any statement?

The ambassador and his

lady wife have asked

me to tell you they

are not at home.

And even if they were, the

answer would be, "No comment."

Hey, butler. You're the butler.

You must have seen something.

Yeah, tell us what the butler saw.

- No comment.

- Is it true

that she had an

affair with the all

the domestic staff except you?

Is that true?

That, sir, is quite untrue.

Ah, then the butler did do it.

No comment.

Don't like Harold Hump.

Can't stand him.

That's funny. He can't

stand you, either.

- Will you be quiet and listen?

- All right.

Hello, good evening,

good night and welcome.

Not since the Keeler

affair, or Watergate

has public interest been so

aroused in the affairs of state.

I refer, of course, to the case

of Madame Emmannuelle Prevert.

Now Madame Prevert has consented,

and I use the word advisedly,

to be interviewed for

the very first time.

- Madame Prevert.

- Pray-ver.

I beg your pardon.

Madame Prevert, thank

you for allowing

me to set the record straight

- for our viewers.

- Not at all.

Will you now take

this opportunity to

deny the allegations

made against you?

Non.

You won't take the opportunity?

Or you won't deny them?

- Which?

- Both.

He won't catch madam.

Quite. Yeah.

Do you deny the allegations that

have been made against you?

No.

Don't you mean yes?

No, I mean no.

You don't deny the

allegations at all?

No. Apart from a

little embellishment,

they are substantially true.

You mean, you're not going

to deny the allegations?

Why should I?

- Everybody else has.

- That's their problem.

- That's telling 'em, girl.

- Go it, madam.

Wait a minute. Let's

get this straight.

Is it true or false that

you actually had an...

affectionate encounter

with the Prime Minister?

True. I remember it quite well.

I don't always remember

everyone I have

an affair with, but

I remember him.

He was very charming.

He sandwiched me in

between a cabinet

meeting and a visit

from the unions.

Of course, he was a

little distracted.

I bet he was.

A bit? Ha, ha.

So would I be.

Do you mind?

What about the other people

mentioned in the press?

Oh, they were all

a bit distracted.

Busy people usually are.

- Really?

- That is why,

on occasions, I have to

resort to variations.

Do you realise what

you're admitting?

Yes.

Would you like to take this

opportunity to

express your regrets

- over these affairs?

- Non.

You don't deny them and

you don't regret them?

Yes, I don't.

Do you have a sense

of right and wrong?

Oh, yes.

- Then you'll admit you did wrong?

- No.

Have you no qualms about

the fact that your

actions are likely to bring

down the government?

- That's very unlikely.

- Really?

The papers omitted

to mention I'd given

equal time to the Leader

of the Opposition.

He sandwiched me

between a meeting of

the shadow cabinet

and a game of golf.

I bet he kept his eye on the ball.

Must be the only man who got

a hole in one on the 19th.

But why?

Why did you, an ambassador's

wife, do all this?

Can you think of any better way of

winning friends for your country?

Look...

Do you share the philosophy

of certain other ladies

who have said that by

making love to many people,

they are expanding the frontiers

of human relationship?

No. This is...

How you say?

Bullshit.

What about your husband?

Oh, he thinks it's bullshit, too.

What... what are you doing?

You talk too much.

We'll cut it there, ok?

It's live?

Whose bloody idea

was that? At least

cut it off the one

for the States, ok?

It's going out now, on satellite,

worldwide with translations?

Good night. What do you

think you're doing?

Good... good night, everybody.

Thank you.

Cut it. Cut it.

What are you doing?

Cut. Cut to the commercial

Cut, cut. Cut to the commercials.

At least it won't

hurt the ratings.

Theodore?

Theodore.

What are you doing?

Nothing, Mother.

You're not doing anything

naughty to yourself, are you,

like that disgusting

boy in that novel?

No, Mother.

Well, I've got some

lovely steamed chicken,

and mashed potatoes with butter

and parsley and herbs for you.

I'm not hungry, Mother.

But you haven't eaten for days.

You're not on hunger

strike, are you?

Yes, Mother.

What, because of

that dreadful girl?

Yes, Mother.

Then half the country

must be starving.

Don't you understand? I loved

Emmannuelle. I can't

live without her.

But...

I can't do anything right.

I'm going to shoot myself.

Oh, no, no, darling.

I must. I'm a failure.

You're all that Mummy's got

now that Daddy's gone.

I'm a complete failure.

No.

I told you I was a

failure. I missed.

Mummy's little teddy.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine. Ninety-nine.

- Say "ninety-nine."

- Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine.

I see. This stems

from the unfortunate

accident with that church spire.

Yes, you got the point.

No, you got the point.

And you're finding it difficult

to make love to your wife.

Yes. Can you help me?

You want me to make

love to your wife?

Ah... no, certainly not. I

want you to help me to do it.

Jolly good.

Please drop your trousers.

I'm quite sure

your condition is psychological,

not pathological.

There is absolutely no reason why

you cannot enjoy a perfectly

normal relationship

with your wife.

But I've tried and tried.

And you can't raise

any enthusiasm.

I can't raise anything.

You seem to have the

right equipment.

You're very kind.

Oh, doctor, your

hands are very cold.

Sorry.

Cough.

Yes. As I thought.

It's all in your mind.

Are you sure?

I'll prove it. Nurse.

Wait a minute. I've got

nothing on. I am not decent.

She's a nurse. She is used

to seeing things like that.

Open your coat, please, nurse.

Thank you, nurse.

You see.

There's nothing wrong with

you. You're making a fuss

- about such a little thing.

- I would not say that.

You will catch a cold in your eye.

It is incredible.

- What is?

- She must be in a very bad way.

What is it? Who's

she got in bed now?

You'll never believe me when

I tell you. The ambassador.

- Which one?

- Her husband.

Oh. Well, I suppose a change

is as good as a rest.

That was wonderful, darling.

Think nothing of it.

It's good exercise. It

builds up the lumber.

And your rectus abdominus.

- I'll tell you something else.

- What?

It's a lot better

than pumping iron.

I've never stopped taking my pill

since... since I left school.

Well, the pill is only

99.99% safe, you know.

I'm afraid you are

the unlucky 0.001.

I've never heard of that before.

I mean, I don't mind

becoming a mother,

so long as it doesn't interrupt

with my love life too long.

I would respectfully

suggest that a few

months lay-off might do

you a world of good.

It might do the world

a world of good, too.

Well, that's it, then. I

think we should celebrate.

Why not? Let's go

behind the screen.

For why?

To celebrate. I've been reading

all about how naughty you are,

and I'm thinking, we both

can be naughty together.

How dare you? I am a married lady.

Nurse?

Coming, doctor.

- Emile, I have some news for you.

- Yes? What is it, darling?

What would you say to an

addition to the household?

Oh, no, no, no. We already had the

inflation. Everything's going up.

There's Loins, Mrs

Dangle, Leyland.

Even old Richmond's had a rise.

I am talking about a

baby. I am pregnant.

Oh, I feel faint. I

must sit down. Oh.

Oh, I've come over queer. I'm

going to be a father. Oh.

- You don't mind?

- Mind? I think it's wonderful.

So do I, but I don't understand

how I get a baby on the pill.

I have a confession

to make to you.

I wanted to be the

only man in your

life and I thought, motherhood.

Motherhood?

A devoted mother doesn't

have time to dally.

What are you telling me?

When you were asleep, I

took your pills away.

But I haven't stopped taking them.

You thought you were taking them,

but I got a chemist friend

of mine to make up a

substitute and slotted

them into your packet.

- Oh la la.

- You are angry?

No. So all the time I have been

taking some harmless pills.

They weren't exactly harmless.

- What were they?

- They were fertility pills.

Hip hip... hooray.

Hip hip hooray.

Don't they look like their father?

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard I

wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard I

just don't want to go home ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪