Carry on Emmannuelle (1978) - full transcript

The beautiful and sex-starved Emmannuelle Prevert just cannot inflame her husband's ardour. In frustration she seduces a string of VIPs, including the Prime Minister and the American Ambassador. A jealous lover gives a list of all her conquests to the national press and a scandal ensues. But will she ever manage to get her own husband into bed?

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♪ There's a woman in my life ♪

♪ Who doesn't care for a thing ♪

♪ She don't wanna go out dancing ♪

♪ She just loves to stay in ♪

♪ She just cares
about good loving ♪

♪ Never leaves me alone ♪

♪ If I'm not prepared for action ♪

♪ She goes out on her own ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪



♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard ♪

♪ I just don't wanna go home ♪

♪ If the feeling ever takes her ♪



♪ She don't care where we are ♪

♪ It's good loving in the disco ♪

♪ It's good loving in the car ♪

Madam... champagne?

Or is there anything madam would?

Steward?

Steward?

Are you coming?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

♪ I wish the woman liked dancing ♪

♪ I wish she played the guitar ♪

♪ I'd like to teach
her a new game ♪

♪ I feel a bit under par ♪

♪ I wish she played the piano ♪

♪ Before my knees hit the floor ♪

♪ I've got to get
her to slow down ♪

♪ I think I've had it for sure ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave
it all alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard ♪

♪ I just don't wanna go home ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
I thought it was vacant.

Oh, my God.

I think I'd better go.

How do you do? How do you
do? Yes. My name's er...

Theodore Valentine.

You know, when the flight's over,

you must come and
have tea with me.

You'd love Mother.

She'd... she'd love you.

She... she's very...

Mother makes me wear
them. The weather...

Ooh.

My glasses. Where...

Oh, crikey.

Mummy. Ooh.

What is the purpose of your
visit to the United Kingdom?

I beg your pardon? I'm still
deaf from the flying.

We are having to be
very careful who we

are letting into this
country, you know.

How did you get in?

Oh, blimey. I'm totally British.

May I have the question
again, please?

What is the purpose of your
visit to the United Kingdom?

To make ze friends,
with ze British.

Is the purpose of your visit
business or pleasure?

Pleasure, definitely.

Ah, then you are
here as a tourist?

I'm being reunited with my
husband after a long separation.

Where is your husband now?

He's probably in the bath.

No, no. I mean, is he already
in the United Kingdom?

Oh, yes. For a long time.

And how long do you
intend to stay?

With my husband?

No, in our United Kingdom?

Does it matter? I
am an EEC citizen.

What are you going
to be doing here?

A little bit of this,

and a little bit of that.

Oh, please. You must
not be doing that.

You are giving me
naughty thoughts.

Good.

Er, will you be
seeking employment?

I hope not.

What is your husband's occupation?

I am.

Oh, dearie me. How does
he earn his living?

Ah, yes. In the service
of his country.

Could you be more
explicit, please?

Oh, yes, Monsieur.

I can be very explicit.

About your husband.

He is a very...

How you say?

High-up man.

Is he important?

Not impotent.

He has... other interests.

What is his position?

It varies.

What is his profession
or calling, please?

He is ambassador.

Oh, yes. I am
definitely developing.

My ribs are rippling.

My pectorals are
positively pumping.

And my thorax is throbbing.

I must get some stronger elastic.

- Can I help you?
- I am your mistress.

Oh, my God.

I knew she'd catch up with me
one day. It's my own fault.

Wait a minute. What
am I talking about?

I haven't got a mistress.

I don't have a mistress.

- You have now.
- I repeat, how can I help you?

Well, to begin with,
you can tell the

ambassador that his wife is here.

Where?

Here. I am here.

Are you sure?

I'm positive I'm sure.

I didn't know the
ambassador had a wife.

Now you know.

Madam.

Emmannuelle. Oh, what
a wonderful surprise.

I was not expecting you today.

Otherwise I would have been
at the airport to meet you.

You must forgive my masculine
odour. I have been pumping iron.

What is that?

Er, weightlifting.

Still the same... athletic Emile.

A flabby ambassador with
a derriere in pleats

is no advertisement for
his country. But you...

You, you haven't changed.

I flew Concorde to surprise you.

Ah, la belle Concorde.

How I love that long nose. So
phallic. So Francophallic.

Ah, that reminds me.

You have not met my wonderful
English butler, Loins.

Loins, this is my
wife Emmannuelle.

She has been travelling all around
the world and other places.

Cherie, Loins.

His Excellency meant Lyons,
madam. My name is Lyons.

I prefer Loins.

Likewise, madam.

May I take your coat?

Come. Now I'm going to show you

all over the houses.

Emmannuelle, you're naked.

Sacre bleu. I forgot I
wasn't wearing a dress.

- You're a naughty butler, Loins.
- Yeah...

Yes, madam.

Yes, I think that
is more appropriate

for the wife of an ambassador.

Phwoar.

Who was that, Lyons?

That, Mrs Dangle, is
the new mistress.

Oh, fancy.

Things might start looking up.

I shouldn't be at all surprised.

Hey, who was that?

Richmond, that was
the new mistress.

Fancy that. Things ought
to start looking up.

I have missed you, Emile.

And I you, my love.

But don't forget our
little arrangement

still stands. As long
as you don't object

to my body building,
I don't object to

you finding your
pleasures elsewhere.

And... what if I should
seek my pleasures with you?

Oh, no. I can't spare
a drop of adrenaline.

You must think of me
as a last resort.

Don't you want me
just a little bit?

Yes, just a little bit.

Show me how good you
are at weightlifting.

Lift me over your shoulders
and carry me over to the bed.

Are you mad?

I've not yet learnt how
to do a snatch and press.

Besides, I have a meeting with
the Foreign Minister shortly.

And I have a meeting
with the ambassador now.

I have an appointment.

We haven't made love since Paris,
before you were posted here.

- Oh, surely it's not that long.
- It's long enough.

Ooh.

Come, bury your head in my bosom.

No, no. I should have to
keep coming up for air.

I am in the mood
for playing games.

- Try badminton, hockey, bowls.
- Bowls?

Yes, bowls. The
English are mad about

bowls. Tennis bowl, volley-bowl.

Foot-bowl. All kinds of b...

Excuse me, sir. I hope
I'm not intruding.

No, no, no. We were
just discussing bowls.

Bowls?

I was having a work-up. I mean
I was getting worked out.

Having a work-out.

Yes. Will there be only fourteen

guests for dinner
this evening, sir?

Fourteen, yes. That is correct.

Then I shall inform Mrs Dangle.

Come and lie with me, Emile.

No, I must finish my exercises.

I can give you much
nicer exercises.

No.

- I am all hot for you.
- Well, have a cold shower.

That's what you said last
time and look what happened.

Oh, yes. I couldn't
find the stopcock.

- Caught you.
- Oh, it's you.

It is not nice to peep
through keyholes.

Sorry.

You are very rude.

Gordon Bennett. They're
having a phonographic orgy.

- Lift up your arms.
- What for?

Up, up, up.

But I don't understand.
Why should I lift?

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

- No, no, no.
- Don't be shy, cheri.

I'm not shy, I'm circumspect.

Come on. Don't make a
meal of it. It's my turn.

- But you are trembling.
- Yes, of course, I'm cold.

I'll warm you up.

Oh, but why me? You can
have Tom, Dick or Harry.

- I don't want Tom or Harry.
- Oh.

She's got him in a leg lock.

Well, I used to do that
when Henry was alive.

I'm sure you didn't do
it after he was dead.

- Here, what's he doing?
- Heavy breathing.

Ooh.

Oh, Richmond, I think you
should have a look at this.

Do you think he ought
to at his age?

It might jog his memory.

Here, what am I going to see?

Well, it won't be the Muppet Show.

Is it... is it Starsky And Hutch?

If you ask me, it's more
like Starkers And Crutch.

Hello, hello, hello.
What's all this, then?

- It's what the butler saw.
- Here. They're at it.

At what?

Here, hold my hat.
Come on. Get off.

- Turn over.
- No, no, I don't like.

- Emile, I am a woman.
- Yes, so I've noticed.

I am your wife. You
should not hide from me.

There's not much to hide.

Snow White meets the
incredible shrinking man.

I will make you love me if
it's the last thing I do.

Aargh.

I think she's knackered him.
Come on. Back on the job.

Get off.

- What is the matter?
- You've broken it.

Oh la la. Turn over and
let me have a look.

No, no, not that. My
back. I can't move.

- It's probably just cramp.
- No, no. I'm in agony.

Straighten your legs.

I can't straighten anything.
I'm completely bent.

- Bend back your toes.
- I caaan't... Oh.

- Don't panic.
- I can't panic, either.

Just lie still.

What else do you think I'm
doing, you stupid fool?

I give up. I'm going to get
changed and I'm going out.

What for?

I want Leyland to drive
me around London.

But what about me?

Don't worry, my dear.
I'm sure you'll

soon be feeling yourself again.

Is that you, Theodore?

Who were you expecting?
General Amin?

I've warmed your slippers.
They're in the oven.

Thank you.

Warmed them? You've roasted them.

Oh, Mother, I do wish you
wouldn't fuss over me so.

It's no trouble at all. I
do it for your arthritis.

- I've never had arthritis.
- There you are. It works.

Have you had your vitamin
C tablet this morning?

Yes, Mother.

And your vitamin B tablet?

- Yes, Mother.
- And your halibut oil capsule?

Yes. I've had so many pills,
I'll soon need a stomach pump.

Prevention is better than cure.

Dr Jones said to me,
"Mrs Valentine,

your son Theodore
is very delicate."

With respect, Mother, when he
said it, I was six months old.

He's a very clever
doctor, Dr Jones.

If you were at death's door,
he'd pull you through.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Theodore, you're
sickening for something.

Mother, come and sit down.
I want to talk to you.

Very well.

Now then, what shall
we talk about?

Mother, I've met someone
that's very dear to me.

Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?

No, Mother. I've met this girl.

This wonderful girl.

Don't be silly. There's
no such thing.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, nonsense. You're
far too young.

I'm thirty-four, and a half.

But you've got your whole
life in front of you.

You don't want to fritter it
away on some slip of a girl.

But, Mother, she's exquisite.
I know you'd like her.

I wouldn't count on it, dear.

I'm going to marry her.

Nonsense. I'll never
give you my permission.

I don't need your
permission, Mother.

You're just like your father.

He went off with some
slip of a girl and

he never got my
permission, either.

This your first time
in London, is it?

Well, keep your ears peeled,

cos little old Leyland here's
gonna give you the grand tour.

And why not? After all, I've
lived here all my life,

even before I was born.

And believe me, no one
knows better than I do

this is the greatest
city in the world.

If you're feeling lonely,
why don't you come up here?

No? Oh, well. It ain't compulsory.

Now up here you see
is Oxford Street.

That's where the tourists
come to do their shoplifting.

Oh, God. Laugh-a-minute Leyland,
they call me, up the morgue.

Look, love. You can see a
lot better from up here.

Ah, well, perhaps I should
put it on automatic

pilot and come back
there with you.

Cos I'm driving you now, you
know, in a Daimler pervertible.

The hood doesn't go down,
but the chauffeur does.

Well, we're heading for
Downing Street now, No.10.

You've heard of that?

Cos not many people
know that No.12 Downing

Street is the office of
the government whips.

If you like that sort of thing.

I'm feeling very hot.

Yeah. I'm getting a
bit warm myself.

Ah, now there's a sight to warm
the cockles, Trafalgar Square.

And there it is, an
inspiration to mankind.

Nelson's Column.

Lady Hamilton had it built
to remember him by.

Mind you, with a column like that,

how could she forget him?

It never fails.

Next time round, I
think I'll start here.

Thank you, Lady Hamilton.

I want to see the
guards getting changed.

They are very...
sexy, these guards.

When they get a butcher's at
you, you'd better be on guard.

What is the matter with them?
They never even looked at me.

Well, they're not allowed
to, not on duty.

You could strip off in front
of one of them guards,

and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

We shall see about that.

Drive me to St James's
Palace, Leyland.

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard I
just don't want to go home ♪

♪ If the feeling ever takes her ♪

♪ She don't care where we are ♪

♪ It's good loving in the disco ♪

♪ It's good loving in the car ♪

♪ But if I don't keep her happy ♪

♪ She would leave me, she would ♪

♪ So I got to hang on in there ♪

♪ Hang on in there,
hang on in there ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave
it all alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy
she's out on her own ♪

Hello there, ducky.

Emmannuelle. I hope
you're going to

wear something under that dress.

Oh, yes. Chanel ¹5.

No, no. Tonight you
must be respectable.

You must be on your
best behaviour.

Everything you say and do will
reflect on our beloved Republic.

But this is the latest from
Paris. It shows style.

It shows more than that. It shows

everything you've
got. Well, almost.

- Why's that so terrible?
- It's not nice.

How would you like
it if men were to

walk about in
see-through trousers?

I would like this very much.

There is nothing
wrong with the body.

There is no need to flash
it all over the place.

I think we should all go round
naked. We'd all be much healthier.

- We'd all be in bed with the flu.
- Nudity is perfectly natural.

No, no. Even Adam and
Eve had a fig leaf.

You must dress in a
way that is befitting

for the wife of an ambassador.

Especially in view of our
distinguished guests,

the Prime Minister,

the Metropolitan
Commissioner of Police,

the ambassador for the
United States of America,

Excuse me.

Field Marshal Hune,
Chief of Staff,

the Arabian ambassador.

The Lord Chief Justice
of the Appeals

Court and Master of the Rolls,

Admiral, sir John Hardiner,

not to mention all their
distinguished wives.

- How do you do?
- Not very often, I'm afraid.

Too much bench, not enough wench.

I will say my wife is a
better diplomat than I am.

Yes, I have it off with everybody.

Hit. Hit it off.

She means she hit it
off with everybody.

Ah, yes. And what were you doing
in the Far East, my dear?

Oh, nothing much.
Sleeping around, mostly.

Er... she means sleeping around
in many parts of the world.

Has it ever occurred to you

how easy it would be at
an occasion such as this

to assassinate your husband?

Assassinate my husband?

Who would want to do that?

I would be more concerned
about the method.

But...

How could anyone do such a
thing here at the table?

Easily. A weapon could
be concealed in a man's

belt or in a holster
strapped to his leg.

A lady could have a
gun under her skirt.

Merde.

Assassinate my husband.

That is more appropriate.

Oh, I've dropped my earring.

May I help, my dear?

No. Oh, no, no. It's
ok. I can manage.

Thank you.

The cost of living
must be brought down.

Oh, I agree.

Everything's going up these days.

You're so right.

The wheel has...
turned full circle

in my country now there's a...

definite trend towards the
swing against the backlash.

Thank you.

I didn't say anything.

In my country, it is the duty of
women to give pleasure to men.

I'm glad you agree.

Tell me, Admiral,

how do you enjoy the Navy?

Frankly, I can't stand the
sea. It makes me bloody sick.

Anything wrong?

On the contrary.

Ooh, my goodness. What
are you doing here?

I'm looking for a weapon.

Oh. You won't find one here.

- I'm trying to protect you.
- Protect me?

I decided to get to know my
husband's friends a little...

How you might say?

Better.

I was satisfied.

None of them had a
weapon to worry about.

These have arrived for you, madam.

Oh, they're lovely.

They most certainly are, madam.

"To my darling
adorable Emmannuelle.

With all my love, Theodore."

Loins, who is Theodore?

I haven't the slightest
idea, madam.

I don't know any Theodores.

Oh, well. I always
forget their names long

before I forget the
important things.

Tell me, Loins.

Do you, er...

believe in free love?

Anything free appeals
to me, madam.

And... do I appeal to you?

Yes, madam.

Oh, Loins, you English
are so frigid.

Perhaps not so.

After all, they do say the proof
of the pudding is in the eating.

In the... eating?

Yes, madam.

Are you hungry, Loins?

I think I could manage
a little nibble.

Coffee?

Pardon?

Are you for coffee?

No, thanks. I'm staying
here. I'd like coffee.

Yeah. He's in a world
of his own, you know.

He hasn't been the same since
he looked through that keyhole.

- I think it's disgusting.
- What? Having it off?

Oh, don't be so crude. You men
are all the same, sex mad.

Yeah, and proud of it. Richmond?

- Pardon?
- Sex.

No, thanks. I'd rather
have some coffee.

Ah, coffee.

Oh, here we are.

Here, me and Mrs
Dangle, we've just

been talking about having it off.

Rather you than me.

No, not together, you berk.

You've been a long time just
taking up a bunch of flowers.

What have you been up to?

Er, nothing at all, really. Just a
little intelligent conversation.

Loins, you forgot these.

You randy old retainer.

Could I have a cup of coffee?

You can have anything
you want, madam.

Aye aye. You've started
his motor running. Look.

Steady on, Richmond.

It's not proper, you
being down below stairs.

Why not? We are all human beings.

There should be no
class distinction.

I believe in brotherly love.

Here, that's incest.

Love is the most important
thing in the world.

Not to me, it isn't.

That's because you've
forgotten what

it's like to be loved by a man.

To feel the warmth of his body

next to yours,

to feel his hot
kisses on your lips.

You've started him off again.

We'll have to start putting
bromide in his coffee.

Making love is
wonderful. You cannot

be angry when you're making love.

Can't we talk about
something else?

Oh, no, it's good to
talk about it. It's

important to get things
off your breast.

Now, I will tell you
what we are going to do.

We will all describe our most
unusual amorous experience.

I couldn't possibly do that.

Oh, yes, you can. It will
release your repressions.

Who is going first?

I'll go first.

Leyland.

Very well, Leyland.
You have the floor.

Face down, I hope.

My most unusual experience

occurred one warm balmy
evening last spring

when this young
man's fancy lightly

turned to thoughts of lust.

Ooh, you fancy young men, do you?

Mrs Dangle.

Feeling in the need of company,

I transported myself
to my favourite pub,

the Tit And Sparrow
up Camden Passage.

It took me but a pint
to make contact with

a beauteous chickie
of the female gender

what would turn any
civilised man into a beast.

Despite my natural shy
reluctance, she was insistent

to the point of desperation.

She whisked me off to her
luxury flat in Mayfair.

Where to say her intentions were

dishonourable would
be an understatement.

No sooner did we reach her
lavishly furnished penthouse

with the chandelier poised
gracefully over the nuptial couch,

she removes my garmentation

in a flash.

Whisks me between the sheets.

I was about to
satisfy herself with

my irresistible
masculinity, when...

Oh, my husband.

Her husband.

I shan't tell you
exactly what happened

when she joined me in the closet.

The details... are too
pornographic, even for you lot.

Suffice to say that,

despite the cramped confines,

we achieved mutual satisfaction.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. My hangers.

It seems the lady had
an unusual hang-up.

She can only make
love in a closet,

standing up.

She always arranged it that way.

I found out later she was known as
the Closet Queen of Camden Town.

Richmond, you can go next.

Oh, thanks.

No, no. After all, he never
gets a word in edgewise.

He'd be lucky to get anything
in, edgewise or otherwise,

- if you ask me.
- We didn't.

- Richmond.
- Yeah?

I...

I'm not sure that I can
remember all the details.

Oh, come on.

Tell us your most
amorous escapade.

It's that far back,
he won't remember.

Oh, yes, I do.

It was during the war,
when I was in the army.

Oh, those were dark days.

You never knew which minute
was going to be your last.

You had to live dangerously,

and make every moment count.

I went to France to
fight the enemy.

Ah. I surrender.

Dans Les Bois, avec moi.

Avec what?

Oh, God.

It's never like this in Putney.

Ah. Ah, I surrender again. Ah.

Komm.

Hands hoch, in the
name of the Reich.

Not you, Fraulein.
The British soldier.

Kurt, take ze prisoner away.

Now, Fraulein, you are quite safe.

Oh, thank you.

You are a fine-looking woman.

Oh, naughty, naughty.

- I like you.
- Oh, cheeky.

- I am going to have you.
- No, no, you're not.

Yes, I am. I need to
caress a beautiful woman.

You're going to get a hell
of a shock if you do.

Come, I want to have you.

Gott im Himmel.

Englische Schweinhund.

Yes, my daughter?

The Germans are after me, Father.

Oh, mon Dieu. Don't
worry, my child. You

can stay here for as
long as you like.

Yes? Where will I sleep?

My niece won't mind
you sharing her room.

- Your niece? But...
- Colette?

Non, it's impo... possible.

Come along, my child.

For what I am about to receive...

thanks.

And I stayed there till 1953.

Just a minute.

The war ended in 1945.

I was in no hurry.

Loins. Now it's your turn.

Well, my most unusual
amorous experience,

believe it or not,
took place at the zoo.

Went to see his relatives.

Come on, Loins. Tell
us about the zoo.

Well, it was a lovely day.

And all around me
there was evidence

that spring was in the air.

What's the matter?

Come here, darling.

Let me out.

Help.

Here, did you get anything?

Pneumonia.

Mrs Dangle, your turn.

Very well.

I shall reveal everything.

Well, if you're going
to strip, I'm going.

Sit down.

My most unusual experience
happened in a launderette.

As anyone knows,
launderettes are better

than pubs if you're
after a pick-up.

I didn't know that.

If you ever get around to washing
your clothes, you'll find out.

Now, this particular
day, the place was full.

Unattached people.

Course, you get all
types in there.

But then, I prefer all types

to other types.

Through long experience,

and if there's one
thing I've had more

than anything else,
it's experience,

all you do,

if you're on the make, is
you say something like,

Excuse me, dear, can I
borrow some of your suds?

And if that doesn't work, you say,

My, but you've got
some saucy underpants.

But despite my unusual
attractiveness

and highly reclaimed sex appeal

that day didn't get off to
a very promising start.

But sometimes,

when you least expect it,

you see a stranger across
a crowded launderette.

♪ Striptease instrumental ♪

I knew, when I first laid
my eyes on his Y-fronts,

I knew...

that he

was the one.

Thank you, Mrs Dangle,

for a most unbelievable
experience.

And now I think it's
time for you, madam.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

Well, I fear, in comparison,
mine may seem rather dull.

I really don't have
your imagination.

Why, don't you
believe it, darling.

They'll be queuing up for
the film rights to yours.

Well, all right.

My most unusual amorous affair,

you may find it hard to believe,

was with my husband.

He has not always been
the man you know.

Not very long ago,
he was one of the

dashing young sons
of la belle France,

with an appetite for the exotic
amour almost equal to my own.

We made love in
wild, crazy places,

beautifully,

elementally, in the air.

It was all so wonderful,
so dangerous.

Hemingway said, "To
make love beautifully

is to die a little each time."

Unfortunately, Emile
very soon saw the point.

Aargh.

Aaargh.

Poor Emile.

But now I think we all understand
the master's shortcomings.

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard ♪

♪ I wish she'd leave me alone ♪

Pardon me, madam, there's a young
man who wishes to see you.

Does he have a name?

I believe he said
Theodore Valentine.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's the one I don't remember.

Quite, madam.

Oh, well, better
keep him waiting a

moment while I make
myself respectable.

There, that should do it.

I do wish you wouldn't lie about
in this abandoned fashion.

It's not good for the
servants to see you topless.

- I've had no complaints.
- No, you are bold.

I've never seen anyone so bold.

Ah, why don't you stay here
and we can be bold together?

No, I haven't time.
I have a meeting

with the Minister
of Foreign Affairs.

Oh, him?

He doesn't have any affairs.
That's his problem.

Unlike you, I don't
judge everyone by the

amount of dilly-dallying
they get up to.

You're always too busy
to do the things I like.

I'm sure you don't need me to
help you do the things you like.

But I like doing the
things I like with

you, as well as
with others I like.

Sooner or later, you are
going to ruin our marriage

if you insist on trying to drag
me into your silly amours.

And for goodness' sake,
cover yourself up.

Tell her to cover herself up.

Emmannuelle?

Yes, Monsieur.

It's me, Theodore.

Don't you remember me?

Non.

But you haven't looked at me yet.

I don't recognise your voice.

Look at me.

Well?

You look familiar.

Concorde.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

That was very funny.

I didn't think so.

Didn't you? Well, I mean...

Wasn't it... good?

Well, it was...

different.

Didn't it mean anything to you?

Oh, yes. I will always
fly Concorde in future.

Since that wonderful
night, I haven't

slept, or eaten, or
even cleaned my teeth.

You don't need to clean your
teeth if you haven't eaten.

I have fallen in love.

Oh, you poor boy.

Who with?

Who do you think?

Is it anyone I know?

It's you, of course.

Oh.

I say, I've never felt like this
about anyone before, not even...

not even my own mother.

Emmannuelle,

I want to marry you.

Oh, I'm done. Shower time.

Oh, no.

Oh.

You may enter, Monsieur Concorde.

Did you hear what I said?
I want to marry you.

If you want to marry me, you
will have to ask my husband.

But I don't want to
marry your husband.

I should hope not.

Do you love him?

- Sometimes.
- You don't sound sure.

Oh, yes. I'm sure I
love him sometimes.

Well, will you be prepared
to leave him for me?

Certainly not. Not
for you or anyone.

Why did you give yourself to
me like that in the Concorde?

You mustn't think that
because I made love to you

that you are entitled
to any landing rights.

- I think I'd better go.
- Oh, you can stay if you wish.

I have a free morning.

My towel, please.

Now, look, I shall never
make love to you again

until you promise your
undying love for me.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

You can't tempt me again.

No?

Keep away from me.

- You said you love me.
- Yes, but I do.

Show me.

Theodore.

Oh, Theodore, you
have wet yourself.

There we are, darling.
All tucked in.

Nice and clean. Night-night.

Night-night, Mummy.

What are we going to dream
about tonight, darling?

Not her.

Why not?

Well, she'll only
bring you trouble.

Yes.

Have you dreamt about her before?

Yes, often, night and day.

Oh, you are in a state.

- I dreamt about her last night.
- Did you?

No, she wouldn't let me.

I must ring Dr Jones.

What can he do?

Well, he can give you an
injection or... something.

What for?

- Well, for whatever you've got.
- I like what I've got.

Well, I don't.

And I'm going to do
something about it.

Night-night, darling.

Now it's time for your afternoon

body-building session
with Harry Hernia.

Now, this afternoon,
I'm gonna show you

how to build up your
stomach muscles.

I don't think I got any.

Are you ready?

I am all yours, Harry.

- You're at it again.
- So is he, listen.

Let's all lie down on the floor.

Ooh, it's very hard.

Now, raise your legs in the air.

Ooh, no, I feel it.

- Who's he got in there?
- I don't know. I can't see.

Loins.

What are you doing?

Er, I was just tying
my shoelace, madam.

Yes, and I was helping him.

But, Loins, your
shoes have no laces.

Oh, I...

Madam, I...

I'm back.

Ah, yes, dear.

It's warm out.

You don't care what I do.

Today...

Today I made love to 14 soldiers,
21 sailors, and 16 airmen.

The Prime Minister announced

that the morale of the defence
forces has never been higher.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Why haven't your muscles

- developed like that?
- They will, eventually.

You'll never match
that gorgeous hunk.

I don't expect to match him.

That's Harry Hernia. He has
the most highly developed

rectus femoris in the
whole of Britain.

Has he?

Bye-bye this afternoon, and
don't forget your exercises.

Tonight they are going
to proclaim him

Mr Super Muscle.

Do you know him?

Of course. Yes. I have lessons
from him in pumping iron.

I think I would like to meet him.

Whatever for?

Body building.

- Where do you sleep?
- On the mat.

- Where do you sit?
- Sitting's bad for the posture.

You either stand,
squat, or lie down.

- Mind if I squat?
- Surely.

- Want something?
- Depends what you have in mind.

Drink, maybe.

Maybe.

Ok.

Oxo or Bovril?

Don't you have something else?

Sure. How about a glass of milk?

No, thank you.

What do you want to do?

Depends what you... have in mind.

A work-out, maybe.

- A work-out?
- Sure.

What do you want me to do first?

Now come on, lady, let's
take your clothes off.

Oh, can you help me with the zip?

Why, sure. Now let me
get my things off.

Can I help you?

I can manage.

Now take a look at this.

It's a beaut? What do
you think of that?

Incroyable. I've never
seen anything that big.

Now let's have a look at you.

Well, what's the verdict?

You definitely need
more exercises.

How about making love?

Very good exercise.

Builds up your lumber, and
your rectus abdominus.

But it's off my
training programme.

- Oh, that's a pity.
- Sorry, darling.

It's the Mr Muscles
contest and I want

to win that title before I retire.

That'll make it a hat trick.

I'm determined to
go out with a bang.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Ambassador's residence.

Well, I'm sure that madam
is asleep right now.

Very well, sir. Are
you sure it's urgent?

Yes, well, hold on
one moment, please.

Madam?

Madam?

Wake up, madam. There
is a call for you.

Madam, wake up, please.
He says it's urgent.

Who is that?

Ah, Loins.

What is it?

A phone call.

I believe it's a gentleman friend.

Tell him I'm out.

He already knows that
you're in, madam.

Take a message.

I did.

What was it?

He says that he wants
to speak to you.

Allo?

- Who is this?
- It's me.

Theodore. Are you alone?

- I'm in bed.
- Yes, but are you alone?

What do you want?

- I had to ring you.
- Why?

Because... I want to tell
you that I love you.

You love me?

Oh, Loins.

- Pardon? What did you say?
- Oh, nothing.

I love you.

Theodore, you don't fall in
love with someone like me.

Why not?

It's out of character.

Ooh.

Loins.

- Loins? You called me Loins.
- I didn't call you Loins.

I called Loins Loins.

Is Loins... Is Lyons
in bed with you?

Ah, no. He's just a
butler. Don't be silly.

He brought me a cup of tea.

I want you to promise
me to give up all

those men and come
and live with me.

And Mother.

He wants me to promise to
give up all those other men

and come and live with
him... and Mother.

I don't think that's
a very good idea.

- Why not?
- I'm happy where I am.

How can you say that?

Nobody loves you like I do.

You're not in a
position to refuse.

I'm in a position to
do anything I want.

If you don't do
what I ask, I shall

be forced to do something drastic.

Now you're laughing at me again.

Goodbye, Theodore.

Don't call us.

We'll call you.

Oh, come on, Loins.
It's time to get up.

Very well, madam.

Emmannuelle, come
along. You know that...

Emmannuelle, what on
earth are you wearing?

You're the one who's
always complaining

about me walking around uncovered.

I was hoping you would be ready.

I am, cheri. I'm always ready.
Let's go into the library.

Yes... I don't want to go into
the library to read books.

Neither do I.

We are supposed to be attending
an official function.

I don't want to go to
your function. I do not

like your functions.
They are all boring.

This is a football match.
I am to present a cup.

A football match, with all those

young, healthy men
with big thighs?

But if you don't want to
go, I can't make you.

Oh, give me time to get changed.

What kept you?

Get out there, quick.

Oi.

Come on. Get out. You're on.

Where are the players?

- Allo?
- Hello, Harry Hernia here.

Remember the other night?

Well, my trainer says
it's ok until Friday,

so how about it?

- Where are you?
- I'll meet you in ten minutes

outside your garden gate.

Oh la la, Harry.

I know you are a big man,
but this is ridiculous.

Move.

Must I? It's very nice like this.

Get in.

Start the car.

Theodore, what is this all about?

How do you know it's me?

Start the car.

I will not. I'm going
to have dinner with

my husband and the
Foreign Secretary.

They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.

That's crazy. My husband wouldn't
give you one franc to get me back.

Not for ransom. I'm
making you my prisoner.

I'm going to keep you to myself.

That's ridiculous.

I warn you. I'm
desperate. Start the car.

Non.

- Why not?
- I can't drive.

Oh, God. Why didn't you tell me?

- You didn't ask me.
- Change over.

Go on.

Oh. Oo-hoo.

It was worse on the Concorde.

If you wanted to
kidnap me properly,

you should have sneaked into my

bedroom in the
middle of the night,

chloroformed me,

and carried me over your
back to the car in a sack.

I thought of that, only
I've got a bad back.

- You can't drive with one hand.
- Yes, I can.

Theodore.

- You're not going to kidnap me.
- I am.

Aargh.

- I don't think so.
- I can't drive lying down.

Who is talking about driving?

Ah, there, now don't. No, stop.

Don't.

Stop.

Don't stop.

Oh, Emmannuelle, you're
making it very hard for me.

Emmannuelle, I may
have to do something

ruthless to bring
you to your senses.

My editor won't be interested
if it's not authentic.

It's authentic, all
right. I've got

the pictures here to prove it.

Well, now, what else has
this broad been up to?

It's all down there.

What's that?

Blimey. And that was with
the chauffeur, right?

Yeah, that's right.

We'll need substantiation
before we can run this.

I've got everything, photographs,
names, places, dates.

And all on affidavits.

Foreplay with the butler.

Did you use a wide-angle
lens on this?

I certainly did.

Aha. Menage a trois

with a Soviet ambassador and a
KGB man at the Soviet embassy.

Sounds like a case of
"reds on the bed".

Algolagnia with the
Minister of Sport.

- What's that?
- I don't know. Here...

Algo... algolagnia...

Spanking. Here, you should know
about that, you old devil.

When it used to happen
to me, I didn't

know you were
supposed to enjoy it.

Theodore,

what does "coitus interruptus
with the Prime Minister" mean?

It means, Mother, that the Prime
Minister's a very busy man.

Pygmalionism: amorous attraction
directed towards a statue.

Stone the pigeons.

What next?

Accepted her punishment from
the Lord Chief Justice.

A bit of habeas corpus with
the police commissioner.

Played strip Monopoly with the
chairman of the Bank of England,

and got herself in a very united

state with the
American ambassador.

Let me have a look.

I haven't got my glasses.

Aphrodite callipygous
with the guest

conductor of the Royal
Symphony Orchestra.

- Aphrodite calli... callipygous.
- It's all Greek to me.

It says, "Scopophilia is the
more urgent form of voyeurism."

The need to watch others undress.

Blimey, I've had that for years.

Not with an entire football team.

No, I'm a rugby man, mate.

Different shaped balls.

Because of his wife's alleged
misconduct in high places,

the President of the
Republic has indicated

that the ambassador
may be dismissed.

Because of the allegations,
the Soviet ambassador

sought political
asylum in the Soviet

Union... I beg your
pardon. That should read,

"The Soviet ambassador
today was sent to

a political asylum in
the Soviet Union."

The Prime Minister said today,
"There's nothing to deny.

What good is proof
without the evidence?"

The American ambassador said,

"Why don't you off and
mind your own business?"

- Will you all stand back?
- Could you move back?

Move back, please, sir. Thank you.

Where's the ambassador?

- Where's Emmannuelle?
- Any statement?

The ambassador and his
lady wife have asked

me to tell you they
are not at home.

And even if they were, the
answer would be, "No comment."

Hey, butler. You're the butler.
You must have seen something.

Yeah, tell us what the butler saw.

- No comment.
- Is it true

that she had an
affair with the all

the domestic staff except you?

Is that true?

That, sir, is quite untrue.

Ah, then the butler did do it.

No comment.

Don't like Harold Hump.
Can't stand him.

That's funny. He can't
stand you, either.

- Will you be quiet and listen?
- All right.

Hello, good evening,
good night and welcome.

Not since the Keeler
affair, or Watergate

has public interest been so
aroused in the affairs of state.

I refer, of course, to the case
of Madame Emmannuelle Prevert.

Now Madame Prevert has consented,
and I use the word advisedly,

to be interviewed for
the very first time.

- Madame Prevert.
- Pray-ver.

I beg your pardon.

Madame Prevert, thank
you for allowing

me to set the record straight

- for our viewers.
- Not at all.

Will you now take
this opportunity to

deny the allegations
made against you?

Non.

You won't take the opportunity?
Or you won't deny them?

- Which?
- Both.

He won't catch madam.

Quite. Yeah.

Do you deny the allegations that
have been made against you?

No.

Don't you mean yes?

No, I mean no.

You don't deny the
allegations at all?

No. Apart from a
little embellishment,

they are substantially true.

You mean, you're not going
to deny the allegations?

Why should I?

- Everybody else has.
- That's their problem.

- That's telling 'em, girl.
- Go it, madam.

Wait a minute. Let's
get this straight.

Is it true or false that
you actually had an...

affectionate encounter
with the Prime Minister?

True. I remember it quite well.

I don't always remember
everyone I have

an affair with, but
I remember him.

He was very charming.

He sandwiched me in
between a cabinet

meeting and a visit
from the unions.

Of course, he was a
little distracted.

I bet he was.

A bit? Ha, ha.

So would I be.

Do you mind?

What about the other people
mentioned in the press?

Oh, they were all
a bit distracted.

Busy people usually are.

- Really?
- That is why,

on occasions, I have to
resort to variations.

Do you realise what
you're admitting?

Yes.

Would you like to take this

opportunity to
express your regrets

- over these affairs?
- Non.

You don't deny them and
you don't regret them?

Yes, I don't.

Do you have a sense
of right and wrong?

Oh, yes.

- Then you'll admit you did wrong?
- No.

Have you no qualms about
the fact that your

actions are likely to bring
down the government?

- That's very unlikely.
- Really?

The papers omitted
to mention I'd given

equal time to the Leader
of the Opposition.

He sandwiched me
between a meeting of

the shadow cabinet
and a game of golf.

I bet he kept his eye on the ball.

Must be the only man who got
a hole in one on the 19th.

But why?

Why did you, an ambassador's
wife, do all this?

Can you think of any better way of
winning friends for your country?

Look...

Do you share the philosophy
of certain other ladies

who have said that by
making love to many people,

they are expanding the frontiers
of human relationship?

No. This is...

How you say?

Bullshit.

What about your husband?

Oh, he thinks it's bullshit, too.

What... what are you doing?

You talk too much.

We'll cut it there, ok?

It's live?

Whose bloody idea
was that? At least

cut it off the one
for the States, ok?

It's going out now, on satellite,
worldwide with translations?

Good night. What do you
think you're doing?

Good... good night, everybody.

Thank you.

Cut it. Cut it.

What are you doing?

Cut. Cut to the commercial

Cut, cut. Cut to the commercials.

At least it won't
hurt the ratings.

Theodore?

Theodore.

What are you doing?

Nothing, Mother.

You're not doing anything
naughty to yourself, are you,

like that disgusting
boy in that novel?

No, Mother.

Well, I've got some
lovely steamed chicken,

and mashed potatoes with butter
and parsley and herbs for you.

I'm not hungry, Mother.

But you haven't eaten for days.

You're not on hunger
strike, are you?

Yes, Mother.

What, because of
that dreadful girl?

Yes, Mother.

Then half the country
must be starving.

Don't you understand? I loved

Emmannuelle. I can't
live without her.

But...

I can't do anything right.

I'm going to shoot myself.

Oh, no, no, darling.

I must. I'm a failure.

You're all that Mummy's got
now that Daddy's gone.

I'm a complete failure.

No.

I told you I was a
failure. I missed.

Mummy's little teddy.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine. Ninety-nine.

- Say "ninety-nine."
- Ninety-nine.

Ninety-nine.

I see. This stems
from the unfortunate

accident with that church spire.

Yes, you got the point.

No, you got the point.

And you're finding it difficult
to make love to your wife.

Yes. Can you help me?

You want me to make
love to your wife?

Ah... no, certainly not. I
want you to help me to do it.

Jolly good.

Please drop your trousers.

I'm quite sure

your condition is psychological,
not pathological.

There is absolutely no reason why
you cannot enjoy a perfectly

normal relationship
with your wife.

But I've tried and tried.

And you can't raise
any enthusiasm.

I can't raise anything.

You seem to have the
right equipment.

You're very kind.

Oh, doctor, your
hands are very cold.

Sorry.

Cough.

Yes. As I thought.

It's all in your mind.

Are you sure?

I'll prove it. Nurse.

Wait a minute. I've got
nothing on. I am not decent.

She's a nurse. She is used
to seeing things like that.

Open your coat, please, nurse.

Thank you, nurse.

You see.

There's nothing wrong with
you. You're making a fuss

- about such a little thing.
- I would not say that.

You will catch a cold in your eye.

It is incredible.

- What is?
- She must be in a very bad way.

What is it? Who's
she got in bed now?

You'll never believe me when
I tell you. The ambassador.

- Which one?
- Her husband.

Oh. Well, I suppose a change
is as good as a rest.

That was wonderful, darling.

Think nothing of it.

It's good exercise. It
builds up the lumber.

And your rectus abdominus.

- I'll tell you something else.
- What?

It's a lot better
than pumping iron.

I've never stopped taking my pill
since... since I left school.

Well, the pill is only
99.99% safe, you know.

I'm afraid you are
the unlucky 0.001.

I've never heard of that before.

I mean, I don't mind
becoming a mother,

so long as it doesn't interrupt
with my love life too long.

I would respectfully
suggest that a few

months lay-off might do
you a world of good.

It might do the world
a world of good, too.

Well, that's it, then. I
think we should celebrate.

Why not? Let's go
behind the screen.

For why?

To celebrate. I've been reading
all about how naughty you are,

and I'm thinking, we both
can be naughty together.

How dare you? I am a married lady.

Nurse?

Coming, doctor.

- Emile, I have some news for you.
- Yes? What is it, darling?

What would you say to an
addition to the household?

Oh, no, no, no. We already had the
inflation. Everything's going up.

There's Loins, Mrs
Dangle, Leyland.

Even old Richmond's had a rise.

I am talking about a
baby. I am pregnant.

Oh, I feel faint. I
must sit down. Oh.

Oh, I've come over queer. I'm
going to be a father. Oh.

- You don't mind?
- Mind? I think it's wonderful.

So do I, but I don't understand
how I get a baby on the pill.

I have a confession
to make to you.

I wanted to be the
only man in your

life and I thought, motherhood.

Motherhood?

A devoted mother doesn't
have time to dally.

What are you telling me?

When you were asleep, I
took your pills away.

But I haven't stopped taking them.

You thought you were taking them,

but I got a chemist friend
of mine to make up a

substitute and slotted
them into your packet.

- Oh la la.
- You are angry?

No. So all the time I have been
taking some harmless pills.

They weren't exactly harmless.

- What were they?
- They were fertility pills.

Hip hip... hooray.

Hip hip hooray.

Don't they look like their father?

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes I work so hard I
wish she'd leave me alone ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's out on her own ♪

♪ Sometimes it gets so hard I
just don't want to go home ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ She's loving all night ♪

♪ The woman is love crazy ♪

♪ Won't stop for a bite ♪